The scene I'd like to see

INT. HOTEL SUITE -- Day

A CANDIDATE IS HAVING A SCOTCH.   HIS CAMPAIGN ADVISER ENTERS.

ADVISER: I’ve prepared your speech for tonight's Religious Council Dinner.

CANDIDATE: Which God do I believe in for this one?

ADVISER: Still waiting on the polls, sir.

CANDIDATE: How religious are these nimrods?

ADVISER: Somewhere between tolerance-for-all and wearing sheets.

CANDIDATE: Fine. Just no kneeling or dunking anything.

ADVISER: Check. Singer Amy Grant will introduce you.

CANDIDATE: Oh. Then I will have something in common with this organization. We all want to fuck her.

ADVISER: Not according to Gallop. She trails Faith Hill by a wide margin. And Carrie Underwood – off the charts.

CANDIDATE: You and your polls. They’re all bullshit.


ADVISER: Sir, they’re accurate within a .05% margin of error. Except for audience testing on JOHN CARTER. Hard to believe Disney could miss that badly.

CANDIDATE: According to my non-scientific survey, no one in America watches television or movies anymore.

ADVISER: Sir, how can you say that?

CANDIDATE: Have you seen any of the shows that depict American politics?

ADVISER: No. I just watch DEADLIEST CATCH and GLEE.

CANDIDATE: They all portray us as back-stabbing, lying, low-life, buffoons.

ADVISER: Really? Then insiders must be consulting on those shows.

CANDIDATE: It’s staggering!  On VEEP, the chick from SEINFELD plays the Vice-President and is completely brain-dead. Her staff is one Iago after another. Then there’s BOSS starring Frasier. Jesus, everyone on that show fucks over everyone else. It’s how I imagine the William Morris Agency to be.  Or Shutter Island. And then that movie about Sarah Palin. According to that she was so fucking stupid she didn’t even know what countries fought in World War II.

ADVISER: Well, give them points for accuracy.

CANDIDATE: In all of these shows everyone swear like sailors. Including the fucking candidates. You watch the Sarah Palin movie, you’d think John McCain was in DEADWOOD. The general level of cynicism and distrust is overwhelming.

ADVISER: What about WEST WING?

CANDIDATE: A.) That was years ago, and B) that wasn’t about real politics. That was Candyland with people who talked fast. Today’s shows are way more realistic. And that’s why I believe no one watches television.


ADVISER: Because Americans would be so disheartened if they did?


CANDIDATE: No. Because I don’t understand how any reasonably intelligent person – and by that I mean one who knows that Nazis were the bad guys – could watch these shows and still buy into the bullshit we deliver to the public. How can anyone listen to our highly crafted speeches and believe we believe a single word of what we say? The photo ops are obviously so staged. I’m really going to get the Hispanic vote by eating a taco at some fucking fiesta? I’m honestly going to get more women voting for me because I wear the red tie over the yellow tie? It’s all so calculated, orchestrated, artificial and the worst part is – for the most part we still get away with it.

ADVISER: Well, BOSS is on Starz so no one sees that.

CANDIDATE: But they do see the others. And there was that George Clooney movie, IDES OF MARCH. Same thing. And if you can't vote for George Clooney, then hell, what's the point of the Constitution?  Face it, what we really do and what we’re really like is a worse kept secret than Barry Manilow being gay.

ADVISER: So what are you suggesting? That you drop the F-bomb at the Religious Council Meeting tonight? Say what you really believe? “Hi, I’m Jim Turner, I’m running for Governor, and I want to fuck Amy Grant!”?


CANDIDATE: You’re right, of course. I’d never win.

ADVISER:  She has something like fifteen kids!


CANDIDATE:  It’s just somewhat sad, don’tcha think? Here we are, supposedly the brightest, most informed people in the nation, and we only use those gifts to manipulate the public for our own personal gains.


ADVISER: Barry Manilow is gay?


CANDIDATE: (resigned): Get me the red tie.

Throwing Neil Young out of the store

Here's another excerpt from my new book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s), available for Kindle users.  Just go here or click on book cover on the right.  My sincere thanks to those of you who have downloaded it.  The paperback version will be released very soon.  Did I mention I do this blog for free and a great way to support this site AND receive literally hours of literary enjoyment is to buy this book?   (Hey, at least I'm not saying buy this book or I shoot this dog.   Yet.) 

This is from 1966.  I just got a job in the mall at Wallich's Music City Records.  

Considering that my classmates were all boxing groceries or changing the grease traps at McDonald’s, I considered myself extremely lucky to be hawking 45’s.

I manned the singles counter. That meant I helped customers, restocked the bins, and let people into the listening booths. Just like in the Hollywood store, you could sample albums for free. A lot of rock bands lived in nearby Topanga Canyon and less-nearby Laurel Canyon and would slither down the hill to check out the competition. The great Captain Beefheart was a Wallichs regular!

We had one rule: no smoking pot. We didn’t want the 70-year-old grandmother to get a contact high following Captain Beefheart in the booth, not to mention those glass cubicles served as the store window. Public displays of illegal behavior were bad for the store’s image.

The biggest transgressor was the Buffalo Springfield’s Neil Young. And he was a shithead. I used to throw him out once a week. Plus, he slept with and dumped a girl I had a crush on so I took every opportunity to kick his raggedy ass to the curb.

Two notable co-workers: Steve Hall, who went on to become a world-renowned pianist/ recording artist and died way too young. And Skip, who frequently brought his pet ocelot to work. I pleaded with Skip to lock it in a listening booth with Neil Young.

Night managers would come and go. These were usually alcoholics who owned decent suits. They’d generally last about three months. One night manager we had for awhile, who was not on the sauce was Nik Sullivan. I once asked him what he did before this and he modestly confessed he played guitar in a group. I said, “Really? Which group? Any one I’ve heard of?” He said, “Yeah, Buddy Holly and the Crickets.” “Oh bullshit!” I said. He shrugged, meandered over to the Buddy Holly section, pulled out an album, and son of a bitch, there he was.

Nik is on the left

Talk about being extremely lucky. He escaped death twice. First when he decided not to board that doomed flight that took Holly’s life, and second when I let a robber into his office who had a gun.

In fairness, I didn’t know he was a robber. Hey, he didn’t wear a mask. I was thrown. Instead, he wore a tailored suit and said he was the manager of the Hollywood branch. He had done his homework. He knew Nik’s name. So when he asked if Nik was in the office I said, “Sure, go on back.” He walked out five minutes later with a week’s receipts after pointing a loaded pistol at Nik’s head. Where is an ocelot when you need one?

Nik didn’t blame me, said anyone in my place would have done the same thing; still it’s always nagged at me that I almost got a Cricket killed.

For more samples and to order, here's where you go.  Thanks!

Now this is what I call a wedding proposal

I predict this will be copied in seven new romcoms within the next year alone.

Friday Questions. It is Friday, right?

Here are this Friday’s Friday Questions. Leave yours in the comments section. I’ll be doing some bonus Question days because they’re starting to pile up and I want to get to as many of them as possible.

Texas 1st is 1st:

I was watching the 1st season episode of Cheers called "Now pitching: Sam Malone." In it, Sam does a commercial for a beer. It really worked as a commercial with the setup. It even felt like it would work in the world today, maybe with a current era pitcher in Sam's role, and a real beer for a client. was this something you had seen, or did this come about from you and David?

That was a parody of a beer campaign that was popular at the time. I think for Miller Lite. We used former Red Sox great, Luis Tiant. It took about twenty takes, but I didn’t care. Got to hang out with El Tiante!

I've worked with a number of athletes.  Most are just...okay as actors.   As long as you don't place too much comedy burden on them.  The exception was Kevin McHale.  He was fantastic.  We not only gave him more to do during the week, but we brought him back for another episode.  I still think he's wasting his time in basketball.  He could have a future!

Bradley wonders:

Before computers, did you type up your own scripts or was that job given to someone else? Also, do you still have copies of these old scripts? I can imagine the early ones only ever existed on paper (and TV, of course).

When my partner David Isaacs and I began we carved the scripts into rocks. Seriously, when we started we’d get together and David would take down the script in longhand on college notebooks. I would then type them. We bought a used IBM Selectric that resulted in my first hernia.

When we wrote our first couple of screenplays we splurged and hired a woman to type the scripts for us. This was all "pre-computer".

Once we got on staff of MASH we still wrote in longhand but had our assistant, the wondrous Ginny, type the drafts.

Things changed on CHEERS. We learned how to dictate scripts to our assistant. And that’s how we’ve done it ever since.

Yes, I do have original drafts of our old scripts. I also have all the handwritten notebooks and outlines. I keep waiting for the Smithsonian to call but they never do.

I also have all my scorebooks from all my years of calling baseball.  I keep waiting for Cooperstown to call.  And waiting... and waiting... and waiting... 

Anonymous (please leave a name, even a Klingon one) asks:

How much do announcers get together? You were just in Cleveland, did you see Tom Hamilton, etc.? Are there any you particularly enjoy spending time with?

Also, most people love or hate their hometown announcer but are there any whom you think are undiscovered gems?

Announcers from various teams do socialize together. Tom Hamilton and I have been friends since we were both in the minors in 1988. I was in Syracuse and Tom was in Columbus. Same with me and Gary Cohen of the Mets (Pawtucket), Greg Brown of the Pirates (Buffalo), Terry Smith of the Angels (Columbus), and Vince Controneo of the A’s (Iowa).

I pretty much hang out with all the opposing announcers, but if I had to pick one – Eric Nadel of Texas (pictured: right) is probably my best bud on the circuit. We get together whenever our two clubs play and correspond frequently.  Imagine the shit I gave him when the Mariners scored 21 runs against the Rangers Wednesday night! He’s also a terrific announcer, by the way. So I hang out hoping that some of his brilliance will rub off on me.  I'm waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

For undiscovered gems – Andy Freed and Dave Wills, the radio team for the Tampa Bay Rays are awesome. Both are good in their own right and the chemistry they have together is special.  I used to listen to them even when their team was horrible. 

And finally, from mp:

I caught a bit of the M*A*S*H movie on HBO last week and it made me wonder about writing on a show that was adapted from a movie. (I know it was already running for a few seasons before you joined, but I am hoping you may be able to provide some insight.)

Before the show had time to set a new identity, how did the showrunners instruct the staff writers to regard the movie?

Easy. Larry Gelbart pretty much wrote the whole first season himself (not to mention seasons two through four). Along with Gene Reynolds, he forged the style and the rest of us just followed it.

When we came aboard, we first met with Gene who loaded us down with research material, history books, and the original book MASH by Richard Hooker.

Reading the book was very strange. The Hawkeye in the book was much more like the Hawkeye in the movie. So it was hard to merge Alan Alda with that character. Trapper was off the show by that point so that wasn’t an issue, but imaging Hawkeye from the text was like watching a 3D movie without the glasses.

Have a great weekend! And if you're looking for reading material (hint hint), you're welcome to order my new book.  The Kindle version is available now.  Paperback soon.  Here's where you go.   Many thanks.

My favorite comic book movie

I just saw THE AVENGERS. I figured, why go the first night? Like everyone else it seems, I found it rollicking good fun. Joss Whedon knows how to hold an audience, choreograph mayhem, and even more impressive – get good laughs along the way.

Robert Downey Jr. was a hoot! Gwyneth Paltrow turned in a lovely cameo (thus giving her plenty of time for her colon cleanses). Samuel L. Jackson traded his PULP FICTION afro for an eye patch but he was still "Jules." At any point I expected him to stop and say, “Now that’s a mighty fine burger.” Mark Ruffalo managed to fill Edward Norton’s big green shoes admirably as the Hulk. Jeremy Renner is good in every action movie he’s in… which is every action movie now being made. Chris Evans can throw and take a punch. Chris Hemsworth keeps that delicate balance of superhero and GAME OF THRONES character. Cobie Smulders was used perfectly -- she delivered an occasional line of bald exposition while in a body suit.  And standout for me was Scarlett Johansson who is easily the hottest, baddest-ass half-Jewish girl in cinema today!

Like I said, I liked it a lot. And I had not seen all the individual prequels yet still found it easy to follow and care.

Two quibbles – but these apply to practically all comic book movies.

1) There’s always a major fight scene over Manhattan and pedestrians are watching. No! They’d be running for their fucking lives, not turning back until they reached South Dakota. They wouldn’t be looky-loos from floor-to-ceiling windows in skyscrapers while giant alien space ships are slicing these concrete towers in their wake. Okay, maybe Roger Sterling from MAD MEN but that’s just because he’s so drunk and bored.

2) Superheroes come together and save the world and instead of thanks, a ticker tape parade, and a guest spot on THE TALK, the government calls them a nuisance and wants to shut them down. Huh?  What?  Sarah Palin is a great American, but Iron Man needs to be held in check?

Still, I’d have to say THE AVENGERS is up there as one of my favorite comic book movies. But it’s not my favorite.

SUPERMAN II is.

The special effects, which were eye-popping when it was originally released in 1980, now look primitive. And the thought that Superman would give up his powers for Margot Kidder stretches credibility even in a comic book world. But Christopher Reeve was so damn great as the Man of Steel.

And… here’s why this movie wins for me… for all the heart-pounding action and dazzling destruction, Superman ultimately uses his brain to outsmart his super villain opponents.

That’s what was missing for me in THE AVENGERS. They won on might, on taking advantage of their various superpowers.  You got a little of that with Scarlett but she's Jewish.  Invaders were smashed, pierced, clubbed by hammers, whacked by shields, and thwarted by flying sardine cans with energy lasers. Stirring and spectacular, and if you watched it in 3D – all taking place in your lap – but to me not as satisfying as that one great moment where Superman squeezes General Zod’s hand and you realize he tricked him. That was worth fifty explosions. And then Clark Kent goes back in the diner where those rednecks roughed him up and you’re cheering the minute he steps into the room. That’s a payoff, boys and girls!

I know there will be an AVENGERS II (hell, there was a MANNEQUIN II) and my only suggestion for it would be to incorporate some ingenuity into the world saving.

Next up for me is the new Batman. I’m sure it will leave me exhilarated, confused, and depressed. But isn’t that what a good popcorn movie is supposed to do?

By the way, if you haven’t seen THE AVENGERS yet (or you have but left during the closing credits), stay till the very end. You will be rewarded. Joss Whedon always has another little surprise up his sleeve.

Gary Burghoff explains Radar

I love when I can sometimes go to the source.  Reader Michael Rafferty submitted a Friday question.  Here's the question and the answer from the man himself, Gary Burghoff.  My EXTREME thanks to Gary for his time and very illuminating response. 

On MASH, first season, Gary Burghoff played Radar pretty much the same as he did in the movie version. But,over time, Radar was softened and became more gentle and naive. Was this a decision of Burghoff or was this a creative decision of Larry Gelbart et al.?

Here's Gary's answer:

In the original feature film MASH, I created Radar as a lone, darker and somewhat sardonic character; kind of a shadowy figure. I continued these qualities for a short time (review the Pilot) until I realized that the TV MASH characters were developing in a different direction from the film characters. It became a group of sophisticated, highly educated Doctors (and one head nurse) who would rather be anywhere else and who understood the nature of the "hell hole" they were stuck in.

With Gelbart's help, I began to mold Radar into more Innocent, naive character as contrast to the other characters, so that while the others might deplore the immorality and shame of war (from an intellectual and judgmental viewpoint), Radar could just REACT from a position of total innocence. This made RADAR super ACTIVE, free and very interesting on a primary "gut" level, which at times delivered the horror of war (as well as the dark humor we became known for) in an effective, universal way that anyone could understand.

Larry, in one interview, was quoted as saying that Radar was his favorite character to write for. I think he liked the fact that the character lacked guile and he could write from his own honest "child's-self" as apposed to having to create "clever" intellectual hyperbole.

ACTING IS RE-ACTING. LARRY gave Radar "permission" to REACT IN SPADES!! in a free, delightful and direct manner. Once these decisions were made, RADAR became PURE JOY to play!! God bless Larry Gelbart and his talented writers such as your most excellent SELF!

I hope this helps.

Love "Ya~ Gary

Love ya, too.  And P.S., Radar was one of my favorite characters to write as well.  It was a true honor to pen the "Goodbye Radar" episodes.  

MY BOOK IS NOW AVAILABLE!

The Kindle version of my new book, The Me Generation.. By Me (Growing Up in the '60s), is now ready to download. Only $6.99. You can order yours here.

The paperback should be out in a couple of weeks. They’re still cutting down trees.

Longtime readers of this blog know I’ve been working feverishly on this for the past three years. I’ve posted rough draft excerpts from time to time. Well, finally it’s ready! This is my memoir of my attempt to come-of-age in Southern California in the '60s. Obviously, it’s the most personal thing I’ve ever written… and hopefully one of the best.

There are elements in here that everyone can relate to, regardless of age. For baby boomers it’s a nostalgic (or acid) trip in the Way Back Machine, and younger readers will find my trials and tribulations to be universal. Same angst, same insanity; only phone service has changed.

If this sounds like a sales pitch it’s because IT IS. I really am proud of this book and want you to buy it.

So to that end – I’m posting a portion of the introduction along with some shameless blurbs that should send you scrambling to Amazon to get yours today!

Thanks so much to all of you who do get a copy. There are some laughs, I promise you.



INTRO

They say if you can remember the’60s you didn’t live through them. But that’s not true. 99.9999% of the largest generation the world has ever known grew up in the ’60s and were not so drugged out that the decade became a mere purple haze. 99.999999% of them didn’t attend Woodstock, move to Haight-Ashbury, protest the war by burning their bras or banks, or form a band that played Woodstock. Most of us went to school, had summer jobs, wrestled with adolescence, and enjoyed being catered to by the media and Madison Avenue because of our sheer size.

And the world changed dramatically while all of this was going on. But in the background.

Meanwhile, I set out on a journey to find myself and my place in the world set against the most confusing decade of the century. At the time, however, I didn’t know it was a journey. I just thought it was life.

Books on the ’60s generally read like history timelines. (SPOILER ALERT) “Camelot,” then JFK is killed, then the Beatles, then the war, then hippies, then college protests, then more assassinations, then Woodstock, then we land on the moon. The final exam is Tuesday. Please review Chapters 5-12.

Films on the ’60s all have the same tired storyline. Clean-cut All-American kid smokes one joint, moves to San Francisco and becomes either a hippie or college revolutionary. Throw in long hair, goofy costumes, and a Jefferson Airplane soundtrack and you’ve distilled the entire decade into ninety minutes.

What seems missing is an account of what it was really like growing up in this most amazing and turbulent period. The problem of course, is that there is no one story. You have 76,000,000 people all with unique experiences. I’m sure a high school quarterback’s book would be very different from mine. How can he get enough rest for the big game when all these girls are calling him night and day? I have no idea what that world was like. Nor do I know what attending schools with separate drinking fountains for whites and blacks was like. Or having to shovel snow to get to class. Or coming home to a broken home. I grew up in Los Angeles, two parents, one brother, Jewish, uncoordinated, insecure, cynical, ambitious, weird. This is my story. I can’t guarantee it’s the most definitive account of the ’60s but I promise you this – it’s 100% candid and 85% accurate, give or take a few details.

So I invite you to join me on my journey (now that I realize I was on one) through this most exciting decade. Along the way you’ll encounter JFK, and Vietnam, and the peace marches. And also bomb shelters, teen sex, lack of teen sex, the draft, the Monkees, dress codes, Batman, cheerleaders, malls, the space race, water pipes, SATs, LSD, ROTC, SDS, CBS, NBC, ABC, WABC, KHJ, UCLA, FM, underground FM, acne, driving lessons, the generation gap, the credibility gap, Gidget, transistor radios, rabbit ears, Mustangs, Motown, ideals, Sonny & Cher, Sonny Liston, sunny California, storm troopers on the roof, Beatlemania, the Sunset Strip, 007, 1A, 4F, 45’s, Wolfman, the Man From Uncle, Uncle Sam, Hanoi Jane, Mr. Clean, Mr. Ed, Ed Sullivan, dancers in cages, undercover narcs, Love Ins, Drive Ins, the Dating Game, the World’s Fair, the lottery, Coppertone, Koufax, theater-in-the-round, student stand-bys, The Fugitive, John Wooden, Woody Allen, nose jobs, summer jobs, angst, joy, anger, and boredom.

The Me Generation… By Me looks back but also forward. What happened to those ideals? That youth? That attention? The times, they have a’changed.

Personally, I loved growing up in the ’60s. Hopefully after reading my account of it, you will too.

BLURBS

Ken Levine is the guy you most wanted to be riding in the back seat of the car on a Saturday night as you and your buddies cruised the streets of your hometown-- the smartest, funniest, most observant guy you knew, the guy who never missed a thing, and knew just how to tell the rest of you about it in a way you'd be repeating for days to come. For those of us who didn't know him back then, this book is the next best thing-- hop in. You won't want the ride to end.

-- Bob Greene, author of Be True To Your School and CNN commentator

Ken Levine is not an ordinary person, so it figures that his formative years were not exactly normal either. When you grow up in the Valley and your adolescence is all about testosterone, sports and sixties rock 'n' roll, you're doomed to become one of television's brightest talents and one of radio's most sarcastic broadcasters. Trust me, your youth was never this much fun. Vicarious little victories await you, lucky reader.

-- Howard Kaylan, the Turtles

Ken Levine's career path is close to unique. I don't know anyone else who has written for Cheers, and also called grand slams and no-hitters set against the cheers of a packed ballpark.

-- Bob Costas, NBC

Again, here’s where you go to order. Some glowing reviews from people who know me should be up soon.

Memorial Day then staff work begins!

Happy Memorial Day. This is the time of the year when writing staffs go back to work. If you’re an aspiring TV scribe, I hope someday that’ll be you. Here’s what you can sort of expect…at least on the comedy side.

The first week will just be sharing vacation stories, home remodeling nightmares, debating the Dan Harmon firing,  trashing WHITNEY. You’ll go out for long lunches, bitch about how much other writers make, compare Prius prices, recommend apps for your iPad and iPhone, and discuss the upcoming summer movie slate. My blog might come up. Half will like it, half will think it’s a piece of shit.

You’ll mosey back to the office, maybe talk in very general terms about the season ahead, some scatter shot thoughts on characters and stories, then go home at 4.

Week two you’ll come in and the showrunner will panic. He’ll realize you’re now hopelessly behind. From there you get to work, really delving into the characters, spitballing story areas, eventually breaking stories. You still go home at 4 but at least you’re getting something done.

Over the next few weeks the stories will be outlined, assigned, written, turned in, and rewritten by the staff. You start having lunch brought in, going home at 6…and then 7… and then 9. By the time you go into production in August you might have four scripts ready to go with a few others in the pipeline. And hopefully you’ll have seen every summer movie you wanted to see, made your vacation plans for next year, bought that Fender guitar, remodeled that kitchen, fulfilled every dinner obligation, read all those books on your nightstand (hopefully one of mine), and took pictures of sunsets so you’ll remember what they look like…because now the real fun begins.

The actors come in rested and the first day of production you’re ready to kill them for it. And so it begins.

Your first real break comes when you can say "Happy Thanksgiving".

Okay, I gotta weigh in on the Burger Debate

On Friday I mentioned that I thought Five Guys is giving In N Out Burgers a run for their money. This sparked many great comments from various animal fat aficionados. Personally, when it comes to love of burgers, I fall just behind Wimpy. So here on this lovely holiday weekend when no one wants to really tackle any weighty issues ( I for one am Dan Harmon’ed out) I thought I’d share more of my burger thoughts. Please chime in with more of your own.

Five Guys seem tastier to me than In N Out. I like the buns better, there are more condiments, yes they’re more expensive but you don’t need fries. Just eat the free peanuts. That said, if I’m at some school carnival or organized daytime function and an In N Out truck arrives, I fall to my knees in appreciation.

Several people mentioned Hamburger Habit. Been there a couple of times. Okay but didn’t knock my socks off.

I’ve had White Castle when I was on the east coast. Don’t get it. Lethal pellets dipped in anti-freeze. Not for me.

I hear the Shake Shack is great in New York. Can’t wait to try it. Also on my list in Boss Angeles is Umami Burgers. It’s gotten a lot of hype.  But it seems a little “designery” for me. They feature truffles. Really? That sounds like a burger you’d get in the private club at Laker games. What do you think?

Best burger I ever had in New York was in the Parker-Meridian hotel. Don’t even know the name. Just go to the lobby and look for the line where no one is toting luggage.

Some of you praised the Fat Burger (perhaps a local LA chain – sorry New Zealand). My daughter, Annie has a great rule. “Never eat in an establishment where consequences are in the title.” This applies to Fat Burger or Tombstone Pizza. I don’t mind Fat Burger. I make sure I get my burger char-broiled.  And they're made to order. 

I know it’s an LA thing but for sheer nostalgia I head straight for Bob’s Big Boy in Toluca Lake. Imagine a Big Mac only good.

I’m surprised none of you Angelinos mentioned the Apple Pan. Now this is an exceptionally tasty burger with or without the hickory sauce. Topped off with a slice of pie and you are in cholesterol heaven. The one downside is you can only sit at the horseshoe counter. When it’s crowded there are people standing behind you imploring you to chew faster. So I always feel a little rushed. The waiters have been there a thousand years and are fast. They’re the Blue Man Group with aprons.

Worth the wait (and there WILL be a wait) is Father’s Office in Santa Monica. Good selection of beers there too… just like in my father’s office.

I also love The Counter. Not sure if it’s just an LA chain or has spread elsewhere. Co-owned by Jon Favreau, which means nothing in terms of this discussion, but I might get more hits on Google. What I love about The Counter is that you get tons of choices. You fill out essentially an All-Star ballot. Twenty toppings. Six bun choices. Thirty condiments. Eight cheeses. And try the sweet potato fries.

Somewhat brought up Tommy’s Burgers on Beverly & Rampart. Open 24 hours and always busy. Tasty, messy chili burgers. There are a couple of picnic tables, but most people eat them in their cars. Very bad idea. They come in wax paper and within seconds the chili drips, gets on your upholstery and trust me when I say, it NEVER COMES OUT. You will smell that chili for the life of your car. Now if it could do that to leather, what do you think it does to your stomach?

There's also Carney's chili burgers.   Not as good as Tommy's but certainly better located.  Just look for the train car on the Sunset Strip.  

Burger King is what you order at the airport when Chili's Two is closed. McDonalds is… McDonald’s. Carl Jr.s is Hardee’s on the east coast and terrible on both.

There are a number of highly touted joints in downtown Los Angeles. I love hamburgers but not that much.

Still my favorite however, is Cassells at 6th & Berendo in the Wilshire District. Full disclosure: It’s not precisely as good as in the old days when Alvin Cassell owned and operated the place. Now it’s across the street, under new management, but the quality is almost the same. Their grills are on a slant so the grease slides down. The condiment bar is loaded and the best thing is their homemade potato salad made with a hint of horseradish. Only open for lunch.  And it's not just me.  The Korean Times also recommends it. 

Are you as hungry as I now am?  See you at Bob's.

What the puck is this?

The Los Angeles Kings are in the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Long-suffering fan are ecstatic, and this town (now that the Lakers have been eliminated in the NBA) has really gotten swept up in Kings fever.   Me too.  Go Kings!   But I must admit -- I know nothing about hockey.  But being ignorant has never stopped me before.   Here is a re-post from November 14, 2006 about my night out watching a Kings game.  Hopefully this will get you into the spirit for the Stanley Cup or at least give you a couple of laughs.   Plus, it's the Memorial Day Weekend.  Nothing say summer like hockey.

Among the many things I know nothing about are computers, women, and hockey. Last night I was invited to an L.A. Kings hockey game where the other two things I know nothing about were nowhere in sight. A friend offered to teach me the sport so I figured, what the hell? It was a night out at the Staples Center and I needed more three-hold paper. The mighty Kings had lost 9 of 11 so getting tickets was not a problem. In fact, they said if we were running late, call, and they’d hold the game for us.

Big difference from a Laker crowd. Celebs for the Lakers include Jack Nicholson and Denzel Washington. Here it’s actor, Larry Mann and Jaimie Farr. More Hollywood stars used to attend Kings games when Gretzky was playing for them. That was back at the Fabulous Forum. They would sit right on the glass in the seats actual fans could never afford. There was a lip protruding from the glass which these celebs thought was for putting their drinks on. They didn’t realize players would be crashing into it. Goldie Hawn and company were unceremoniously drenched. It was a beautiful thing.

Different dress code, too. Laker fans come all pimped out. Kings fans all wear jerseys. More than a few should also be wearing goalie masks. But they were loud and boisterous and unlike me, seemed to know what was going on.

I sat next to a lovely gentleman who had had seven Red Bulls. But he assured me that until nine he was okay. Meanwhile, he spent the last two periods doubled over with his hands covering his head. Now I know why the Kings are off to such a poor start. I suspect he is one of their scouts.

Two 17 minute intermissions made for a lot of beer sales. By the third period everyone was rowdy. A Shark player got hit in the kisser with a puck. As he staggered over to the bench fans were yelling, “Get back on the ice, you baby!” The NHL is the official sport of the American Dental Association.

The P.A. system at the Staples Center is the worst. It was like how the Peanuts characters used to hear their teacher. Of course it didn’t help that every hockey player has fifteen consonants in his name.

As a novice I had just as much fun during the intermissions. Fans were invited to send text messages that would be posted on the scoreboard so we tried to send cleverly veiled obscene ones. I’m guessing we weren’t the first. None got posted. But truthfully, who gives a shit about “Hi, Mom,” “Kings rule”, and “Jess, would you marry me? Alex”?

The game was good but not nearly as exciting as the human bowling event between the first and second periods. The only way to be eligible to play was to fail a breathalyzer test.

No major brawls which was disappointing. Although there was a lot of physical contact. A penalty is defined as something that maims a player for life. Usually that’s a two minute infraction.

What’s wrong with this picture? The Sharks actually have a player who’s Afro-American. Mike Grier. That’s even more astounding than a white guy in the NBA. (His dad, Bobby Grier, is a coach for the New England Patriots).

Met up after the game with the Sharks radio announcer, Dan Rusanowsky. Even the broadcasters have long unpronounceable names. Boy, you REALLY got to be a fan to listen to hockey on the radio. “Tverdovsky over to Kostopoulos, now to Visnovsky, intercepted by Nobokov.” It’s like a Russian novel book-on-tape.

One thing I do know about hockey, it’s wall-to-wall action, great fun. And when you get down to the last five minutes and the game is tied, it’s totally wild. The Kings won 4-2 and the human bowler knocked down four pins.

Visual aids

Earlier this week I posted the travelogue from my recent trip to Seattle, New York, Boston, Cleveland, and Denver.  With my trusty iPhone 4s I also took pictures.  Here are some.  

I stay in a luxury hotel when in Seattle.

My view from the booth at Yankee Stadium.

Yes, that's a rat.  Waiting for the D train and bitching 'cause it's late.

Me and my terrific broadcast partner -- Rick Rizzs.   (Thanks to M. McCann for the photo)

Boston.  Some people go for the history, or to see the Cheers bar.  I go for the fried clams.

Oh yeah.  And Fenway Park.

From our booth.  Yes, we're high up.  Above the Timber Line.

Accommodations for our radio reporter, Shannon Drayer, were exceptional.   Here she is broadcasting live from the plush location provided.

My colleague, Dave Sims.  Hey, check out that dapper hat!

Charlie's Diner in Boston.  Notice the sink in the corner.   When you order the pancakes, also order a towel.

Our clubhouse in Cleveland.   The players are all hiding from me as usual.  It's a fun little game they play.

Posted in the Progressive Field press dining room:  Jack Graney was the very first player-turned-broadcaster.   That pretty much says it, doesn't it?

Magic hour in the magic city.

That's the line to get into the Horseshoe Casino in downtown Cleveland... at 1:00 AM.   You'd think they were giving away free iPads, wouldn't you?

View from my window in Denver.  I paid extra but it was worth it.

Coors Field, Denver on a typical sunny/stormy day.

And finally, Monet has his haystacks series.  This is mine.

Friday Questions

Getting you ready for the long Memorial Day Weekend, here are some Friday Questions. Two things – one important and one inconsequential. Drive carefully this weekend and leave your questions in the comments section. Guess which is the important one.

71dude is first up.

Were you and David invited to work on the "MASH" finale?

No. But at the time we were co-producing CHEERS and they had a very large staff at MASH.  We didn't feel slighted in the least.   Had we been asked we wouldn't have been able to do it. 

The way that final MASH script was written was fascinating. It got broken down into half-hour portions and divided up among the writers or teams of writers. Those writers would then co-write their section with Alan Alda. And trust me, that final episode was long enough without adding another half hour for me and David.

Jim S. asks:

Have you ever called a game that went down in the history books? What's it like to call a game that has the potential to make history. Are you more nervous, do you get charged up more? (I guess that's like 18 questions, but you get my point?)

I’ve called two no-hitters, the last game at Memorial Stadium in Baltimore, the first game at Jacobs Field in Cleveland, the Padres winning a division championship, a triple-play, a balk-off win, and was there the day Glenn Davis made three errors on the same play. Talk about a “bobble” head.

I’m both charged and nervous. The beauty of baseball is that those big moments are deliciously suspenseful (except the Glenn Davis one) so I always feel my job is to just describe what’s happening and let the drama take care of itself. I try not to get too excited or hype the situation too much.

When I called the first game at Jacobs Field (now Progressive Field) I was alone on the radio for the Mariners describing the scene – all the pregame pomp and circumstance, President Clinton throwing out the first pitch, the stadium decorations, presentations, etc. Little did I know, CBS radio picked up our feed and I was actually broadcasting worldwide on the CBS radio network and the Armed Forces Radio Service. Thank God I didn’t know. I probably would have been so petrified I’d sound like Porky Pig.

From Jim S. to James P.:

In re-watching Cheers, I noticed that Diane was mentioned infrequently after she left. However, in the 10th and 11th seasons, she came up pretty frequently, the point where in the last season, she was being mentioned every few episodes.

My theory is that you guys wanted to minimize references to the character after she left to let viewers get accustomed to Rebecca on her own terms. But when you were planning the finale, you realized Diane returning would make for a great end and wanted to foreshadow that. Any thoughts?

What we found was that when Diane was mentioned it always got a laugh. So it became a running joke. She jilted Frasier at the altar and he couldn’t let it go.

That said, we only did it sparingly, not wanting to beat the joke into the ground.  And they were not in preparation for the finale.  At the time, we didn't know when the finale would be, whether Diane would be involved, or if Shelley was even interested and available. 

But that’s when you know a show has really arrived – when you can get character laughs from characters who are no longer even there.


From DouglasG:

Any recollections of the actress Rachel Roberts? She met such a tragic end, but was a gifted comedic (Foul Play)and dramatic actress (Picnic at Hanging Rock.

Rachel Roberts played the nanny on THE TONY RANDALL SHOW. She was a wonderful British actress. At one time she was married to Rex Harrison.

She had a lovely subtle way of giving us notes. I remember one time she questioned some activity David and I gave her to do. She approached us and in the sweetest voice possible said, “So what is my motivation here, darling? I’m an out-patient?”

I still miss her.

From Paul:

You have such an interesting background. From DJ, to Hollywood big-wig (IMO), to MLB broadcaster. Quick question, did you pick the Mariners or did the M's pick you? How did that process work?

I was broadcasting for the Baltimore Orioles in 1991. We were finishing a road trip in Kansas City and heading home to host a series with Seattle.

The Mariners got into town early and their great announcer, Dave Niehaus, had a transistor radio and was listening to my broadcast from KC while in the bus heading to the hotel. Very fortunately for me, he really liked what he heard.

When there was an opening that Fall he remembered, called me, and invited me to apply. I did immediately. So in a sense they came to me and I came to them.  Thank goodness they did.  Far and away my favorite team to broadcast was (and is) the Seattle Mariners.  

And finally, from Becca”

Is In 'n' Out Burger really as good as people say?

I think so. But Five Guys is really giving them a run for their money in my book.  What do you guys think?

Happy Memorial Day Weekend everybody!  I'm suddenly hungry. 

More thoughts on your Dan Harmon thoughts

Thanks to everyone for all your comments on my Dan Harmon posting. Thanks to Dan for linking to the piece.

In between the folks agreeing with my position and the ones saying I’m old, out of touch, and should just be sent to the glue factory, a number of you brought up an interesting speculation – namely that networks are becoming obsolete and that the future of creative content will lie in other, newer arenas like the internet. So a maverick showrunner need not be concerned because if he has a large enough fan base he can circumvent networks completely.  

Some thoughts on that from a guy who, depending on your viewpoint, comes from a position of first-hand involvement in the TV industry or from Jurassic Park.

Television is definitely heading in that direction. In ten years we probably will watching shows on delivery systems not yet invented.

We’re in transition, no question. But here’s the thing – it’s a slow transition. Very slow. Why? Because no one’s really figured out yet how to make the kind of money on the internet that networks can collect broadcasting over-the-air or on cable.

I know people who produce very popular webisodes. They get linked, they win awards, and their primary goal is to have a network buy them and turn them into full series. A time will come when that’s not necessary; when webisodes will be substantial money-makers on their own, but that day is not here yet.

Commenters brought up Joss Whedon and J.J. Abrams as examples of writers who have (deservedly) achieved cult status. But they needed something to launch them. They needed the networks. Doesn’t even have to be a major network. Joss did it with BUFFY on the WB. And I’m not saying you absolutely can’t achieve cult status without the mass exposure that a network provides, but it’s much harder and the success stories are way fewer.

At some point you need the big guys. Kevin Smith makes his little indie film, CLERKS. It gets attention at Sundance. Lots of kudos. But it wasn’t until Miramax came along and distributed the movie that it took off and launched Smith’s career. Thank you, Harvey Weinstein.

What the internet affords you (today) is freedom. I’ve had this blog for 6 1/2 years now. No one gives me notes. No one approves what I post. It’s all very liberating. But nobody pays me. Yes, I suppose I could accept Google Ads but they'd just junk up the site, and the income I’d receive is negligible. Now if a major advertising agency came along and offered me a bundle to place a banner for Coke or American Airlines, sure I’d do it – but who am I kidding? I’m a little blog. Coke and American Airlines are not going to take funds away from their Upfronts budget to sponsor Friday Questions.

Even current showrunners with 200,000 readers or Twitter followers can’t yet parlay their numbers into the kind of money they’d need to tell the networks to kiss their ass.

Here’s the reality check: Yes, there are more networks to choose from today (which is a good thing!). And even a small one like AMC can be your golden ticket IF you happen to create that magic breakout show. But the bigger bankrolls, the better salaries (even though they’re way less than they used to be), and the most exposure are still on the major networks. At least at this moment.

It’s exciting to me that COUGAR TOWN, a show ABC cancelled, is getting new life on TBS. What I don’t know is what the budget will be. My guess is it will be less. Can Bill Lawrence do it without compromising the show?   I'm hoping he can.

And over time, when cable networks continue to drain audiences from the Big Four that may change. There will come a day when getting a show on Adult Swim means as much (financially and ratings-wise) as getting one on CBS.

Just not today.

Today you still need to make a good deal. You need your "Harvey Weinstein."  Sorry, but you do.

You could bankroll your own show but that’s plenty risky. You do a show on NBC. You get paid for running it and you get an ownership stake. The show gets cancelled and you just walk away with whatever money you made and vacation in Hawaii. You bankroll your own project. It doesn’t fly. You’re selling your house and moving to El Centro. Do you have faith that your 1,000,000 Twitter followers will support your project enough that you’re willing to mortgage your house on it?

An Anonymous (of course) commenter said: In the age of the Internet, having a built-in, young, loyal audience that you're directly connected with can be pretty useful, "fanboys" or not. Old world media veterans should do well to remember this.

Uh huh. This Old world media veteran invites you to write a check.

By the time I get to Boston, Cleveland, and Denver

This is part two of my five-city travelogue broadcasting for the Seattle Mariners.  Part one (Seattle and New York) was yesterday.  

Went to Boston by train. Our ace pitcher, Felix Hernandez sounded the horn. He was very excited. They don’t let him do that on planes. This was more of a commuter train. I thought I saw Don Draper get on at New Haven. But it was fun to look out the window and gaze at the magnificent scenery. I never realized how dark this country is at night.

We were in Boston for two days. This trip was like the Newt Gingrich whistle-stop tour on Super Tuesday. Found a great diner for breakfast. Charlie’s. Try the cranberry pancakes. You’ll notice a bathroom sink in the corner of the dining room. Don’t know why but at least it’s not a urinal.

Stayed in town just long enough to lose two games to the Red Sox. The British had better luck in Boston than we did. The Bosox now had something like 74,286 consecutive sellouts at Fenway Park, but for our series many of those fans must’ve come dressed as seats. Especially the second game, which was played in a light steady rain.

Yet for sheer ambiance there’s no better ballpark in the world than Fenway Park. I love when the half-empty… I mean sellout crowd sings “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond in the 8th inning. What says baseball more than an ode to feeling-up Caroline Kennedy? Has anyone ever actually listened to those lyrics?

On to Cleveland and the Indians.

The big news there was the opening of a casino downtown. No, it wasn’t an “Indian” casino. It was the Horseshoe Casino and it debuted the day before we arrived. How starved is this city for entertainment? People stood in a long three-hour line in the freezing cold just for the privilege of losing their money.

It was “Puppy Palooza” night at Progressive Field for the first Mariners-Indians game. There were 500 dogs in the crowd. Little tykes were fighting angry German-Shepherds for foul balls.

Game two was a noon affair, or 9:00 AM back in Seattle. I thanked our listeners for setting their alarms for Mariners baseball. There were more people in line for the casino than at the ballgame. More dogs too.

We lost to the Sons of the Wigwam in ugly fashion then winged on to Colorado. I fully expected to see Phil Keoghan from THE AMAZING RACE waiting at our hotel to tell us we were eliminated.

Here’s the difference between Seattle and Denver: Mariners games are sponsored by the Washington State Dental Service; a Rockies’ sponsor is Green Mountain Guns.

Wandered over to the 16th Street Mall, a picturesque tree-lined outdoor mall featuring every franchise restaurant and shoe store in America short of Arby’s (which is both). It was a lovely warm night, folks were dining at outdoor cafes and in one block I encountered two guys beating the living crap out of each other. One spectator thought they were street performers. Bystanders were trying to separate the two brawlers and this girl tossed in a quarter. And this was six hours after there had been a shooting on the mall. Yeah, I guess you’re not going to get too much protection from the Washington State Dental Service when you hit the mean malls of Denver.

This may be the only town in America where there are more medical marijuana clinics than Starbucks. And they all have appropriate health-industry names like “Cannabis Street.”

The Rockies game the day before our arrival was halted by a swarm of bees. This is the second time this year that the Rox have encountered this problem. In spring training in Scottsdale, their game was invaded by bees and ingeniously the ground crew got rid of them by smearing cotton candy and lemonade on a cart. This attracted all the bees. My broadcast partner, Rick Rizzs said, “Who did they get to drive the cart?” Excellent question. And I thought the clean-up crew in Cleveland after “Puppy Palooza” had it rough!

Friday it was 85 and clear. Saturday it was 45 and snowed an hour away. But that’s Denver in the spring… and summer… and fall… and winter.

The Mighty M’s swept all three games! Our young catcher, Jesus Montero hit a mammoth home run. They put baseballs in a humidor now at Coors Field to keep them from flying out at alarming rates in the thin atmosphere, but I said on the air you could put that ball in the humidor, you could dip it in caramel, bake it at 450 for three hours and it would still leave the yard. What a bolt!

The Mariners headed home and I returned to Los Angeles, flying the crowded skies of United. What a culture shock to the go from the luxury of a charter flight to the cattle-train scene from DR. ZHIVAGO.

Thanks to the Mariners, 710 KIRO, my broadcast partners Rico, Kev, Blow, Big Sims, Big Ticket, Mark, and Shannon, and all the listeners who didn’t turn off the radio the moment I came on. I had great fun but it’s good to be home. Now what am I gonna do with all these hats?

For more travelogues -- and who wouldn't want more? -- check out my book, WHERE THE HELL AM I?  TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED.   Only $2.99 on Kindle.  Soon I'll have my new book to plug and won't have time to plug this one.  So buy now! 

Around the country in 14 days

Back from a whirlwind two weeks of calling Mariners baseball that took me to five cities, four time zones, two leagues, and eight different start times. But no cyclones!

Just an earthquake.

Fortunately, it was only a 1.7, occurring a mere five minutes after I arrived in Seattle.

But the sun was actually shining so as long as the Space Needle didn’t go down, folks in the Emerald City didn’t give a shit.

When the weather is nice there is no more beautiful spot in the world than the Pacific Northwest!

This sojourn took me first to Seattle then a road trip to New York, Boston, Cleveland, and Denver. But it could have been worse. It could have been New York, Boston, Tokyo, and Denver.

Had dinner the first night with one of my broadcast partners, Dave “Wanna buy a hat?” Sims. (Dave now has a very fine hat company and won’t be satisfied until every man in America either looks like Sinatra or Super Fly.) He took me to Japonessa downtown. If God were a sushi chef, this is what He’d serve. One bite of the tropical roll and you’ll be Meg Ryan in WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. I bought three hats.

Safeco Field is an awesome ballpark. From the upper deck you can see Mt. Rainier. Unless the roof is closed, in which case you can see the catwalks. The Mariners took two-out-of-three from the Detroit Tigers. I felt a little rusty the first game, but by the second when I sang “Happy Trails To You” on the air I started getting my groove back.

President Obama made his announcement supporting Gay marriage. He arrived in Seattle just two days later. Unfortunately, we missed him, having flown to the east coast. It’s too bad. We could have had him on the broadcast, and think how much more impact his proclamation would have had if he made it on our “Between the Baselines” pre-game segment with Shannon Drayer. His handlers obviously aren’t thinking.

The day after his announcement, this was the actual headline in the Seattle Times:

WITH DICKS IN, ALL 6 WA CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS FAVOR REPEAL OF GAY MARRIAGE BAN.

No foolin’! The reference was to Representative Norm Dicks but still!

Flew to New York on the team charter. I am now sooo spoiled. You could use any bathroom in any cabin! Seriously!

Weather in New York was equally as glorious. No one was wearing their Carole King schlump coats. Stayed at the New York Hilton. It has 2000 rooms but in Manhattan that’s considered “boutique.”

This was right in the middle of “Upfronts” season, when the major television networks decide on their Fall schedules. So the streets were littered with failed TV pilots. What are “Upfronts” exactly? In a play I wrote I describe them thusly:


The networks announce their new Fall schedules then the advertisers buy commercial time "up front". Spending billions on nothing more than blind faith. It's like if you put an Off-track betting window in a mental institution.

Met up with my wife and daughter. I’d like to think they flew across the country to see me but the truth is they were there to see NEWSIES. I just happened to bump into them at the Papaya King.

Took the D train out to Yankee Stadium. Snapped a photo of a rat on the platform the size of a Mini Cooper. Still, it costs $35 to park at Yankee Stadium so as long as the rat doesn’t gnaw on my face I’m taking the subway.

The new Yankee Stadium might not be the cathedral the old one was, but someday at Notre Dame they’re going to realize they can’t install the luxury pews they want and will do the same thing. And the new ballpark is state-of-the-art. They did it right! Great sight lines, wider concourses, giant murals of Yankee greats (although where’s Mickey Rivers?), and yet they preserved that familiar upper deck frieze and fans who will spit on players who lie unconscious after crashing into the wall.

On Saturday they celebrated Yogi Berra’s 87th birthday. He was there at home plate, sitting on a golf cart. The Yankees presented him a cake and waived the $35 parking fee.

Sign on FDR Drive for Manhattan Mini-Storage: “NYC: Tolerant of your beliefs. Judgmental of your shoes.”

At the game on Sunday most of the ballplayers used pink bats and some wore pink cleats. Oh, I hope it was for Mother’s Day.

Had lunch in the pressroom with old buddy, Keith Olbermann. It’d been awhile since we’d seen each other. I was doing practice play-by-play from the stands of Dodger Stadium and he had a television career.

We took one-of-three from the dreaded Yankees, but considering their payroll, let that be a lesson to ‘em!

Part two tomorrow.  For more travelogues I invite you to check out my book, WHERE THE HELL AM I?  TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED.   Kindle version is only $2.99.   That's a laugh every three cents.

Dan Harmon's firing: My take

A lot of you have asked my take on the NBC firing of Dan Harmon from COMMUNITY – a show that he not only was running but created as well. First I should mention that I don’t know Dan Harmon, nor have I personally had any involvement with the show. So it’s like when there’s a big news emergency and networks bring on so-called “experts” like earthquake psychics or terrorist cell consultants and they sound incredibly knowledgeable but then you realize they don’t know shit. That’s me in this situation. Ken Levine – former showrunner expert.

That said, here are some random thoughts:

Networks have been firing showrunners for years. You just never heard about it. Before social networks and the internet, showrunners were essentially invisible. Just names in the credits. Now showrunners have become quasi-celebrities themselves, which I think is a good thing. Only 70% of the viewers think Joel McHale makes up those funny things he says instead of 90%. But the point is, this isn’t precedent setting.

It’s always easier to fire writers than actors. People do notice when their favorite star has been replaced by Ashton Kutcher. (Which tells you how off-the-charts psycho Charlie Sheen had to be to get canned from TWO AND A HALF MEN.)

Shows tend to survive without the original creative force. Even WEST WING when Aaron Sorkin was sacked. Even MASH when Larry Gelbart quit. MASH is a perfect example. If they could replace the genius of Larry Gelbart with a couple of knuckleheads like me and my partner and the show still survived, then you know it’s pretty bulletproof.

Networks now control every aspect of the production. There are no more independent studios to stand behind showrunners who are under attack.   And if there is an indie studio, they're partnered with the network.   It's the Tony Soprano business model.

For a network to fire a showrunner, his behavior had to be pretty unruly. The network weighs the value of his contribution with the nightmare of dealing with him and must decide if he’s worth it. Dan Harmon apparently wasn’t worth it.

And let’s be real. NBC has no faith in COMMUNITY. They scheduled it in a death slot of Friday night. They’re only looking to appease viewers and show that they’re cool, and make more episodes to fill out a possible syndication deal (i.e. more money for them). So if the creative quality of the show suffers for these last thirteen episodes, no one in Burbank gives a rat’s ass.

Harmon complains that he wasn’t properly told of NBC’s decision. Fact: There is no civility in Hollywood anymore. Courtesy? Respect? That’s over. From another era. People are fired by texts. People are fired on vacation. People are fired at Christmas. Submitted material receives no responses. That’s just how it is now. Gone is even the pretense of humanity. But writers can take heart, executives do the same thing to each other now.

From what I’ve heard second-hand, Dan Harmon was very erratic. There are horror stories of 24-hour writing sessions. A number of writers have supposedly run screaming from the show. So if these stories are true (and I have no proof that they are), it’s not just NBC that has problems dealing with him.

The Chevy Chase incident. Forget who said what to whom and who was an asshole and who was a bigger asshole – the fracas never should have gone public. And it was Harmon who spilled the beans by airing his dirty laundry during a stand-up routine. Networks frown on this.

Although I personally thought some of the format-bending episodes of COMMUNITY didn’t work, I always admired Dan Harmon’s fearlessness in doing them. I love his desire to challenge conventions and push the envelope. Again, networks only love this when the show becomes SEINFELD.  Then all the execs who hated it, take credit for it.  If it doesn't become a break-out hit then they do hate it. They’ll never say they hate it but they do. They’d much prefer something safe and predictable. Something they know how to give notes on.

I look forward to what the new showrunners might do. It could be they improve the show. Who knows?

And finally, I worry that Dan going public with this will ultimately hurt him. Other networks might put him in the “too much trouble” bin. He’s a talented guy but he’s yet to create FRIENDS. And I wonder, is this worth it? Besides getting all this stuff off his chest, what is the upside of going worldwide with this feud? Yes, your fanboys rally around you and you’re a media martyr, but they’re not the people who can say “yes” to your next project. They can’t make the decisions that will shape your career.

Ultimately, I wish Dan Harmon well. I hope I’m wrong. I hope two networks are lining up to get his next project. And I’m very sorry he got fired, if for no other reason than it must make Chevy Chase really happy. That really pisses me off.

Here it is -- My new book cover

Here it is. The cover of my new book, coming out within weeks or sooner. Also, I have a new website dedicated to the book. Feel free to check it out.

And to answer your question: the girl on the left is Ann Jillian; the one on the right -- you'll to have to read the book.