Friday Questions

 

Friday Questions coming at ya. Duck!

Garrett starts:

Most shows are now going into the summer hiatus. On shows like Cheers and Frasier, did their main sets just sit on the sound stage all summer? Or were they struck so the studio could use them for other things?

Those two particular shows did not strike their sets. They stayed up all year. Coincidentally, they were both on the same stage – Stage 25 at Paramount.

On Stage 19 at Paramount, the WINGS set remained all year. But that’s where we filmed the ALMOST PERFECT pilot. In order to save money, we used Helen’s house as Nancy Travis’ house – just repainted it and substituted new furniture, and we wheeled out the plane and put the office set and restaurant set in the space normally reserved for the hanger. That’s how huge the hanger space was – you could fit two other sets inside of it.

orenmendez checks in:

Recently I've noticed some shows switching back and forth from the number of acts per episodes. Parks and Rec used to always be 3 acts, but in the past few weeks it moved to a 4 act structure, with the 4th being just one or two scenes, then the tag. 2 Broke girls is usually 3, but sometimes it only 2 acts.

How is this decision made, and how should I pick the structure if writing a spec?

It’s usually the network that decides the format based on how they feel they can maximize their commercial load while still keeping the audience from tuning out. Rarely is it, “I think you could tell your stories better if you followed this format.”

I just helped out on a pilot. It was a multi-cam, had a cold opening, three acts, and a tag.

Give me two acts and a tag or teaser any day. And while I'm at it, let's go back to vinyl.

As for your spec, follow any format the show uses on at least a semi-consistent basis. I always advise writers to try to obtain a copy of a script from the show you’re specing. Sometimes the cold opening is as long or longer than an act. It helps to know whether they call the first scene a cold opening, a teaser, or act one. Little stuff like that.

Did you know that in CHEERS scripts we never wrote INT. CHEERS – DAY? It was always INT. BAR – DAY. The more accurate you are, the better.

From Leemats:

Re: "Anger Management," can you talk a bit about how the 10/90 structure works? I heard they have to deliver 90 episodes over two years. At 45 episodes per year, wouldn't the quality suffer? (Granted, I saw the first two episodes and don't really consider this a quality show.)

With this volume, do they get to have a writing staff that's twice as big as most sitcoms?

I don’t know what their schedule is but I do know they’re cranking out episodes at a furious pace. And yes, the quality suffers. The writing staff is not way larger. The writers they have work incredibly hard and I imagine incredibly fast. I suspect there’s not nearly as much rewriting.

I wonder what the mindset is, I really do. On a network show, 24 episodes was a killer. But we broke our backs to make sure each episode worked. We threw out whole scripts after table readings sometimes and stayed up all-night fixing jokes. If an ANGER MANAGEMENT episode isn’t coming together do they make drastic changes or do they say, “Well, out of 100 there are going to be a few duds” and just let it go? I ask this not as a put-down but a serious question. I can’t imagine the pressure that writing staff must be under.

And finally, from Mark:

I was wondering when it comes to multiple-part episodes and double-length episodes, under what basis would an actor be paid?

Per episode. If a series is normally an hour like MAD MEN and they do a two-hour premiere he gets paid twice.

Where it gets a little dicey is when a show will do a “super size” episode, just adding five or ten minutes. I suspect the actors don’t get paid more but you never know. I’m sure their agents ask for more.

Several times my writing partner David and I turned in a script that the staff thought could be expanded into a two-parter by adding a scene or two. We then got paid for a second script. It was a beautiful thing.

One final note on two-parters, and I’ve said this before. Usually, when a half-hour show expands the story is right in the middle – too much for one half hour and not enough for a full hour. There’s usually padding. They should be a part-and-a-half not two-parters.

What’s your question? Please leave it in the comments section. Thanks much and have a great weekend.

What shows influenced me?

Here’s one of those questions that deserves an entire post.

It’s from longtime reader Mary Stella:

I'd like to know what shows influenced you the most in television and how, and what's your dream three-hour night of television, including any shows from any decade, including now.

The first show that influenced me was CRUSADER RABBIT. I was probably four. But what I loved was that in addition to being funny (at least to a discerning four-year-old), the stories were inventive and episodic. Other cartoons made me laugh, but this one also hooked me into the narrative. I couldn’t wait for the next episode to see what happened and usually the plotting was ingenious (at least to a sophisticated four-year-old).  So CRUSADER RABBIT ignited my love of storytelling.

THE ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN was also an early influence, but thank goodness I outgrew wearing those capes.

I always loved sitcoms. I was about nine when I first saw the “$99,000 Answer” episode of THE HONEYMOONERS. I didn’t see the payoff coming (I was less sophisticated at nine), and (SPOILER ALERT) when Ralph couldn’t identify the song Norton played as a ramp-up to every other song during their practice sessions I laughed for twenty minutes. It’s the biggest laugh I ever had in my life. And it was the first time I ever wondered, “How did they do that?” From then on I started watching sitcoms differently, paying more attention to the construction and appreciating the writing more. I can still watch those original 39 episodes on a continuous loop.

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW was a revelation. It was the first (at least to me) sophisticated comedy. The level of humor was smart and grown up. Everything else was broad and situation based. Plus, Dick was a comedy writer. Not only did it seem like the world’s coolest job – you go to an office, write funny stuff and laugh all day with other funny people – but super hot girls like Laura Petrie were actually attracted to you. Yes, this was a fantasy more far fetched than BEWITCHED but fourteen-year-old bespectacled wise-ass nerds could dream.

In college I became enamored with Woody Allen and thought if I was ever going to become a writer I would concentrate on screenplays. Then I saw THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and knew television was for me. Still, to me, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW is the perfect sitcom.

The early ‘70s was a golden age of sitcoms. Shows like MASH and ALL IN THE FAMILY were both inspiring and intimidating. MASH, in particular. I’ve always loved language and the early Larry Gelbart years were extraordinary. It was so unique.  Every other show had set-ups and punch lines, this one just had a steady stream of witty remarks, turns-of-phrase, imagery, and absurdity. No one could do that like Gelbart. Trust me, I tried for four years.

Once I entered the field myself then it was more specific writers than shows that mentored and influenced me. Writers like Gelbart, James Brooks, Allan Burns, Tom Patchett, Jay Tarses, Gene Reynolds, Glen & Les Charles, Garry Marshall, Jerry Belson, Steve Gordon, and David Lloyd.

Okay, that answers the first part of your question. Now for my dream three-hour night of television. I’m going to cheat. I’m just going to concentrate on comedies. Dramas take up two slots. So here are my all-time favorite sitcoms. The odd thing is that with these nostalgia stations like MeTV, a day may easily come when this is the line-up.

8:00 THE HONEYMOONERS
8:30 THE BILKO SHOW
9:00 THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
9:30 THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW
10:00 MASH
10:30 CHEERS

So now I throw the question back to you? What would be your dream three-hour night of TV, dear readers?

In case you missed it...

Thanks to everyone who participated in last night's teleseminar on writing partners featuring me and my writing partner, David Isaacs.   Great questions.  It was a lot of fun.

Many of you asked if there was a way to get a recording of it?   Yes, if you are already on our alert list.  You'll be emailed the details of how to obtain it.

If you are not on the alert list then I'm afraid it's not available.  BUT... you can download another SitcomRoom seminar I did last year.  Just go here.   And of course, it's free. 

Thanks again!

Writing partner etiquette

Tonight at 9 PM Eastern/ 6 PM Pacific I’ll be holding another FREE teleseminar. The topic is writing partners and my partner, David Isaacs will be joining me. We’ll answer all your questions. If you’re interested in participating and not already on the alert list here’s where you go to sign up.   You must sign up by noon PDT.  Did I mention it's FREE?

This is the type of subject matter we’re going to discuss:

What happens when a partner pitches a joke that he thinks is great but the other partner thinks it sucks?

This happens all the time. If it doesn’t there’s something wrong.

The key is this – you have to really respect your partner’s opinion. One main reason writers team up is because they want that feedback. Especially for sitcoms. It can be tough writing comedy in a vacuum. You’ll feel a lot more secure if someone you trust also thinks a joke or bit is funny. But if you think your partner is a great guy, and can introduce you to some hot girls but thinks Pauley Shore is the funniest comedian in the last hundred years – find someone else.

Next, make this commitment to each other: both members have to agree to whatever you ultimately turn in. And make this a cardinal rule.

Now… you pitch the single best joke ever written and your partner makes that “meh” face.

Cardinal rule number two: You can argue but never make it personal. Many times David and I are arguing over the story we're breaking. A half-hour goes by; we’re no closer to a resolution than we were when we started, but we put it down and go to lunch. And if you were at the next table you’d never know that fifteen minutes ago we were ready to kill each other.

It’s hard, I will grant you that. You get very passionately swept up in an argument and it’s so easy to slip and say, “this is why women hate you” but resist temptation.

So when David and I find ourselves in situations where one pitches a joke that leaves the other cold, we have this rule: If the joke pitcher can’t convince the pitchee in like two minutes why it should go in then just throw out the joke entirely and come up with something else. Trust me, it’s easier and takes less time to come up with an alternate joke than to fight for forty-five minutes and ultimately one partner is unhappy, resentful, etc. (which breaks cardinal rule number one). Again, this relies on trust. You may not agree with your partner but you do acknowledge that he knows what’s he’s doing and perhaps he’s right in this instance.

Here’s another dilemma. One partner pitches a joke, the other thinks it’s funny but you’re both on the fence. Is the joke maybe out of character? Is it a callback but maybe one callback too many? Are you sure the actor can pull it off? Is it a little jarring? Too topical perhaps? Might it be crossing a line of good taste? There’s no clear cut answer here. It depends on the joke itself, the show’s sensibility, and what time of night it is. Do you just want to go home?

Most of the time if a line or bit requires that much discussion we’ll opt to discard it. However, there are also times we’ll just say, “Fuck it! This is fucking funny. Let’s put it in.”

And when it doesn't work you can always blame your partner. NOTE: That's a joke. Cardinal rule number three: Never throw your partner under the bus. And if that doesn't seem obvious then you shouldn't be in a partnership to begin with.

More war stories and tips tonight. Hope you can join us.

How can anything be funny today?

Imagine being a comedy writer, being in the writers’ room along with the rest of the staff, rewriting a script that will be filmed tomorrow, and you get word of the Boston explosions.

Try being funny after that.

That’s what numerous rooms all over town faced yesterday in the wake of that senseless cowardice attack.

If it was not imperative that the script had to be finished that afternoon, I suspect most staffs adjourned for the day.

And if the script was to be filmed today, the showrunner explored pushing it a day. How much would that cost and would the studio okay it?

In some cases, as incredible as it may seem, the writers had no choice but to go right back to work.

And they had to produce. They had to be funny.

Even the writers who were able to take part of yesterday off are back at it today. How funny do you feel 24 hours after the tragedy?

This is the hardest part of this job. There are times when the last thing in the world you want to do is come up with jokes. And all of a sudden, the script you’re writing seems incredibly trivial. Still, you’re expected to not only deliver on demand but at the highest level. No one is going to give you a break in late May when the episode airs because the restaurant scene was written during Boston.

Television comedy writers are sometimes maligned for having easy jobs. We just hang out, crack jokes, and get well-paid. We also have to be funny when we’re sick and funny when we’re heartsick. I don't point this out to seem valiant.  It sucks!

Trust me, we feel like shit having to produce comedy on a day like yesterday or even today. We feel like ghouls. We all see the sick irony in what we’re being asked to do. But we do it the best we can.

And then we  all go to therapy.

My deepest condolences and sincerest prayers to the victims of yesterday’s unconscionable catastrophe.

What's currently happening in the world of pilots

We’re in the middle of pilot season. For those not intimately involved, here’s what’s currently happening:

Network executives are running all over town to get from runthroughs to table readings to filmings. And Coldwater Canyon is closed. As they’re stuck on Laurel Canyon desperately trying to make a runthrough for a pilot they pretty much know is dead they’re muttering to themselves. “Why can’t they spread out these pilots?”

Table readings used to consist of the cast sitting around a conference table with writers, execs, etc. sitting in one row behind them. Now there are so many executives that the cast is generally at one long table like a dais and there are rows of chairs – theater seating.

So to get a jump there are now often pre-table readings.

Actors are being fired after table readings and runthroughs. Networks, studios, producers, and directors try to reassure their nervous casts but actors aren’t dumb.  The pressure can be enormous, especially if a pilot isn't going well. 

Actors are being fired because their parts are being eliminated. Almost every pilot goes into production way too long. The sister, the fourth roommate, the zany mechanic – they’re usually the first to go.

Or, those side characters score and suddenly became the second lead.

Creator/producers will ask their writer friends to come in and help out on rewrites during production. Half of these consultants will show up, sit in the room, and not say a word.

Every cast will have one actor who is a handful. Hopefully, it’s only one, it’s not the star, and whoever it is is worth it.

Some sitcom pilots get massively rewriteen. Here’s what I don’t understand:  the script was good enough to get a pick up, and the actors hired were the ones who got the biggest laugh with that material. Why is it now all shit?

Several pilots will implode. Most of those never should have been greenlit in the first place.

Jim Burrows will direct most multi-camera pilots.

If you have a project in the running at CBS, yes, Chuck Lorre’s new pilot will fill one of the slots. Not because he has three shows on the schedule already, but because this pilot is very funny and well cast.

Buzz in everywhere and totally unreliable. A good table read will result in the media saying it’s a lock for pick up.

All decision are made in New York.

Movie directors now direct drama pilots because it’s a big payday. They work a month and collect a fat royalty for the life of the series and never even watch the show after that. 

Pilots that networks love they can suddenly hate… and then love again… and then hate.  This can go on for weeks.

When you read that a list of shows is “also in contention” it usually means they’re dead.

No one wants to turn in their pilot first. The network sees it, likes it, but by the time they have to decide they’ve seen it seven times and are bored with it. All producers try to get their pilots in one minute under the deadline.

Networks always claim they’re high on the pilots starring big stars. Especially when the pilot is in production, that’s to placate the stars.

Just because a network has given a project a firm order even before the pilot is produced doesn’t man it will be one of their best new shows. It often means the opposite.

Forget the buzz, ultimately it’s testing that will determine the winners.

If you have a pilot, best of luck. You can catch up on sleep during the flight to New York.

"Why can't they spread out these pilots?" 

My celebrated "hippie" period

Here's another excerpt from my book THE ME GENERATION...BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60).  I'm going to keep doing these until I sell enough books to get in the Amazon top 10... or at least 10,000.   Here's where you go to get your ebook copy.  And here's where you go to get the handsome paperback.  Read the reviews.  Many are from people I don't even know. 

By 1967 I had been as far south as San Diego, far north as Santa Barbara, far east as Las Vegas, and far west as the end of the Santa Monica pier. But that was about to change. My dad announced that we were going up to San Francisco.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I had wanted to go to San Francisco more than anyplace else in the world. I was intrigued by all the buzz about the music scene there, Haight-Ashbury, the Summer of Love, and okay, I’ll be honest – I just wanted to see a Giants game at Candlestick Park.

As always, we drove. I still had not been inside an airplane. Our family trips tended to be on the frugal side. We stayed at a Travelodge motel on Lombard St. in the Marina district. We should have slept in the Impala. It had more room.

But I didn’t care. I was just thrilled to finally be there. We saw the sights, traveled the bridges, dined at Kans in Chinatown, hopped cable cars, slurped crab cocktails at Fisherman’s Wharf, and gawked at the basketball-sized bazooms on Carol Doda whose image was proudly and largely displayed at the topless Condor club in North Beach where she jiggled them three times nightly.

Side note: Carol had risen to prominence in 1964 when many delegates from the Republican National Convention went to see her act.

I also got my first glimpse of the Haight-Ashbury district. This was hippie Mecca, the epicenter of the counter-culture revolution. Love was free and the drugs were reasonable. With Scott MacKenzie’s “San Francisco” as their anthem, young people from all over the country migrated to the Haight. Harvard Professor Dr. Timothy Leary, the noted advocate of psychedelic drug research (LSD) coined the catchphrase: “Turn on, tune in, drop out”. (That same year Leary would marry his third wife. Hard to tell whether the bride was really beautiful that day; all the guests were on acid.) This was a Utopian society, an oasis where you were free of the shackles of expectation and civilization. A haven for spiritual awakenings, creative inspiration, and yes, even consciousness expanding.

Haight-Ashbury looked exactly as you’ve seen it in documentaries and movies of the 60s. Loads of hippies in colorful garb (some with face paint) milling about, rolling joints, playing guitars and tambourines. Murals on the sides of buildings, head stores and ma & pa markets. And vivid kaleidoscopic color everywhere – from Tie Dyed clothes to rainbow store signs to a blue building with a yellow door. Imagine Jimi Hendrix as the art director of SESAME STREET. But it was festive and fun.

And as we drove through this idyllic world I thought to myself, “Ugggh! How the hell can anyone live here? It’s so dirty and crowded. What happens if you get sick? What kind of privacy would you get in one of these cramped apartments? How clean are the bathrooms? What’s the TV reception like?”

I had zero desire to turn, tune, drop, or whatever else was necessary to move to Haight-Ashbury and join this freaky scene.

It's one thing to be a hippie. It's another to give up creature comforts.

Jonathan Winters 1925-2013

Jonathan Winters was quite simply a comic genius. I was privileged to watch him in action a few times and was absolutely in awe. No one was faster, more inventive, or funnier than Jonathan Winters.

And it was all off-the cuff.  Amazing.

He passed away yesterday at 87. What a brutal week this has been.

I was first introduced to Jonathan Winters as a kid. He would appear as a guest on Jack Paar's Friday night variety program and those were always the wildest shows. Jonathan never had a “monologue” or set routine. Paar would hand him an object like a stick and he would morph from a fisherma to a violinist to a lion tamer, canoeist, mental patient – you name it.

All the wacky stuff that Robin Williams does – Jonathan Winters originated it.

He later appeared in MAD MAD MAD WORLD, lots of other movies, MORK & MINDY, and few people remember he won an Emmy for playing Randy Quaid’s dad in a 1991 forgotten sitcom called DAVIS RULES.

But as popular as he was, he could have been more popular. He battled demons – depression, drinking – he even spent some time institutionalized. But it’s the old Oscar Levant line: “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity and I have erased that line.”

Jonathan and I had a mutual friend in Gary Owens. I would sometimes see him when I saw Gary. Gary wrote his autobiography and had a book signing at a (now defunct) bookstore in the San Fernando Valley one evening. A number of us got up to speak. When it was Jonathan’s turn he just began riffing on what Gary did in the war. It was spectacularly funny. Even line a gem. And the thoughts just flowed effortlessly out of his brain. It would take me six months to write that monologue and it wouldn’t be half as good.

Like I said, I was in awe. He pulled ideas and references from so far out in left field he was behind the bleachers.

Offstage he was a very quiet, almost shy man. But he was also just a second away from a great quip. At another function I was talking to him and Gary when another comedy writer sauntered over. The writer starting going into schtick, obviously trying to impress Jonathan. Jonathan just listened quietly for a few minutes then put his hand on the writer’s hand to gently stop him and said, “That’s why Dean left Jerry, y’know?” But that was Jonathan – offbeat, original, and in the kindest way could absolutely level you.

Robin Williams is just one of many who have been influenced by Jonathan Winters. I suppose there’s a little Winters in my comedy DNA.

I’m only sorry that a lot of his best work was the improvised material he did on late night talk shows because that was long ago and far away. For young people Jonathan Winters might just be a name. But for those of us who got to see him in action, he was Sinatra, Picasso, and Groucho all rolled into one, which is only fitting since he played so many characters.

R.I.P. Jonathan Winters. The world is a less happy place.

Friday Zweifel

Do people look forward to Friday because of my questions or the weekend? I’ll foolishly assume the former.

Anja leads us off:

Please can you share your insight in how far translations usually get guidance from the original writers, if any? In Germany, every single non-German series or movie gets broadcast dubbed or, on rare occasion, subtitled. Over the years many translations (The Simpsons an often cited example) have been mocked by fans for notoriously bad translations, missing or misreading lots of jokes. Are translations generally supervised, or would this even be negotiated when something is sold to tv-stations abroad?

(Notice how this ties in with my CHEERS theme in German post from last weekend???)

The U.S. writers are never consulted. We have no idea what’s happening to our dialogue. When David Isaacs and I rewrote JEWEL OF THE NILE we needed the screenplay cleared by the Moroccan government so someone translated our draft into French. My wife, who speaks a little French, said everything was just translated literally. So of course most lines made no sense. The government cleared it.

I found this on line recently. Scenes from an episode of our series ALMOST PERFECT dubbed into German. You tell me if it makes sense… or is funny.


Fred Beiderbecke asks:

Watching COMMUNITY on Netflix the shows seemed to be slightly different in lengths, usually about 21 minutes and seconds. How do you do the timing for the time allowed? Do they ever sell more commercials and tell you to cut time, or vice versa?

The network gives you a format down to the second for how long your show can be. Usually, when an episode is first assembled it’s too long. We have to edit it down to time, which is fine because there are always jokes that don’t work, moments you could lose, things that could use tightening up, etc.

Rarely will a major broadcast network let you go over. I seem to recall they did let us once on FRASIER. Cable networks are not as strict.  They can go long on occasion.  What those cable networks need to do though is alert folks so our DVR's don't cut off and we miss the last seven minutes of a show -- like what happened last week with THE AMERICANS on FX.   Hint hint. 

Broadcast networks have no problem however if you come in short by either thirty seconds or a minute. They won’t add a commercial. They’re usually at the maximum amount allowed anyway. But they will happily add promos.

The format you are given remains the same from week to week unless you change time slots. Then it could change, but only by thirty seconds or so. Again, this is more a broadcast network policy. Cable might be looser.

From chuckcd:

ZERO HOUR was cancelled after just three episodes by ABC. How many episodes did the network order? (Or what is the usual number). What happens to the unaired episodes?

I don’t know the specifics on that show but now that networks own the studios they can order as many or as few as they want.

Back when networks couldn’t own shows they had to negotiate with studios for their product. Network license fees rarely were enough to produce high quality shows so the studios would be on the hook for the overage. As such, studios pressed for at least 13 episodes to give themselves a chance at recouping their investment.

Networks eventually got tougher and offered six on occasion. Depending on the deal the studios accepted. And then networks were allowed to own product and all bets were off. Now networks can order five or four. And once they place an order they can cut it back. When UP ALL NIGHT was yanked for re-tooling and the decision was made to convert to a multi-camera camera format, the initial order was for four. That got reduced to one. And now that’s even gone.

For hit shows they can add additional episodes… usually at the very last minute when the staff is working on fumes.

And now of course there’s the 10/90 model that you see on selected series like ANGER MANAGEMENT. FX had to order ten at the outset and if they wanted to renew, it had to be for ninety (which they did, by the way).

What happens to unaired shows? Most of the time the network just eats them.  Or stream them.   A few decades ago networks would air their unsold pilots in the summer, just to try to recoup some of the costs. They weren’t good but they were original material and back in those re-run days, original programming in the summer was a rarity. This was pre-reality. Networks couldn’t fill their schedules with marginal celebrity-diving shows.

What’s your question?  Dank.

Free teleseminar!

I will be conducting another free teleseminar (i.e. great big telephone conference call) next Wednesday, April 17th at 9 PM Eastern/ 6 PM Pacific.  The subject is "writing partners" and I will be joined by my writing partner, David Isaacs.   We'll be answering all the questions about partnerships that you have sent in.  

Here's how it will work:  Just sign up for my SITCOMROOM alert list and we'll email you the details.   Again, it's absolutely free.   No salesmen will call.  No one wins any trips.  You can unsubscribe at any time.  We only use the list to alert you of free stuff like teleseminars and videos, and any new Sitcom Room seminar news before I announce them publicly.   (In fact, those on the list have known about this teleseminar for two days.  Perhaps you've seen people walking around with big smiles and wondered why.) 

So mark your calendar, or text yourself, or whatever.  If you're looking for a partner, looking to dump a partner, deciding whether you need a partner, wonder how the process works, or you just want to sit back and hear some fun stories and possibly useful advice, join us next Wednesday night. 

Again, here's where you go to sign up.   Thanks.   

 Now back to your regularly scheduled blog.

B100 reasons to love radio

Happy to say I was a disc jockey back when radio was fun. In the ‘70s there were two formats that appealed to young listeners. Laid-back album oriented FM stations where all the DJ’s were stoned or at least aspired to be. And Top 40 where the presentation was high energy. Speed instead of downers. I gravitated towards Top 40. There was more freedom to be zany, you could talk every three minutes instead of every fifteen minutes (after long far out album sets), and you could play jingles and sound effects and wild tracks of people telling you to shut up. Top 40 was a better fit for my personality. I was not cool. I was not mellow. I thought “Nights in White Satin” sucked.

The only downside to Top 40 radio was that you played the same damn ten songs over and over again. That’s what eventually drove me out of it (that and being fired a lot). But playing “Kung Fu Fighting” four times a night every night almost turned me into Mary Todd Lincoln.

In 1975 KFMB-FM San Diego became B100. Programmed by a radio genius, Bobby Rich, it was a wild fun station with the slogan “Better Boogie” (whatever that meant). By then I had retired from radio full-time and was in Los Angeles launching my TV writing career. But I still did weekends on B100. Thank goodness the station had a trade deal with PSA airlines and the Travelator Hotel (where all the stewardesses stayed and slept with everyone but me). I was using the air name Beaver Cleaver and having the time of my radio life. Imagine Seth MacFarlane but not as tasteful.

Almost from day one the station was a huge hit. San Diego kids were very discerning when it came to “Boogie” and appreciated that ours was better.

For the one-year anniversary of the station, program director Bobby Rich put together a weekend special – 100 hours on non-stop music. No commercials. And better than that, he invited top disc jockeys from Southern California to come down and make guest appearances. Rich Brother Robbin, Dave Conley, and Chuck Browning (former well-known San Diego personalities) and Billy Pearl (formerly of KHJ and once my roommate) joined the airstaff for 100 hours.

To mix it up everyone worked one-hour shifts. And in a couple of cases we doubled up. I did an hour teamed with Rich Brother Robbin and another with Billy Pearl.

Pretty much anything went. Inside radio jokes flew. At the time there was a syndicated program rock stations were airing called the Fantasy Concert, where a Woodstock-like concert was imagined. (They played "Kung Fu Fighting" but put crowd noise underneath it.)  So I did the Concert from Rock n’ Roll Heaven. In an Ed Sullivan voice I introduced all dead acts. There were Mama Cass ham sandwich jokes, Jimi Hendrix jokes – like I said, good taste was not a high priority.

And for most of the weekend everyone hung out at the station. It was one continuous party. Hopefully the listeners got swept up in our enthusiasm and rowdiness because we were probably terrible. It’s like seeing home videos of the party you thought was so awesome. In the light of day taking off your clothes and peeing in the cat box was not the great idea you thought it was at the time.

But the point is radio was fun. It was live, it was audacious, and sadly, I don’t think will ever be like that again.

Today marks the anniversary of that anniversary so I thought I’d play a compilation of the weekend produced by B100. Thanks to Airchexx.com for the exhibit.   Get ready for Audio Red Bull, mixed with speed, and then a Mountain Dew chaser. I apologize to the cat.

If my life were like MAD MEN

I watch MAD MEN and enjoy it. Then I read Alan Sepinwall’s recap and realize, “Holy shit! I missed half of what was going on!"  There was all this symbolism and existential meaning and I was concentrating on whether we’d see Megan naked.  Matthew Weiner writes on numerous levels and I marvel at Alan’s ability to analyze each one.  But it got me wondering – what if my life were like MAD MEN?

I went down to the beach for what I thought was lunch. But really I was trying to recapture my youth. It harkens back to the day in 1989 when, during a WINGS rewrite, I turned to Steve Levitan and said “I used to go to the beach all the time as a kid.” Not coincidentally, that particular WINGS episode had a moment where Joe ordered a sandwich from Helen.

For lunch at the beach – I had a sandwich.

The only question is – did Helen represent my mother? Or Manuel who makes sandwiches at the Apple Pan? Or Helen Dukoraniweiz, a girl I once sat next to on a bus? Sometimes there are no clear answers in my life.

The following day I was in the Hamburger Hamlet in Van Nuys, unbeknownst to me celebrating or mourning the passage of time as I did at the beach, thus perpetuating that theme, when I bumped into an old friend from my radio days.  She said, “Hi Beaver” reminding me that I had two identities. To the world today I’m known as Ken Levine, but back then as a disc jockey, I answered to the name Beaver Cleaver. A chill went up my spine as a deep dark secret suddenly resurfaced. There had been a Beaver Cleaver. I had taken his name. And all the time I used it I lived in mortal fear that I would be discovered… and sued. I was living a lie, and not even making good money.

For a long time I kept this from my wife. And then one night she broke into my desk. And there they were. KYA surveys with my picture. Airchecks of me on WDRQ playing more of Detroit’s rock and soul. I explained it was a past life. Beaver Cleaver was dead. Well, not the real Beaver Cleaver but the persona Beaver Cleaver. She accepted that but asked why I picked such an utterly stupid name? I don’t know. Sometimes there are no clear answers in my life.

My radio friend’s name was Helen. Wait, could that be the Helen who made Joe his sandwich? She said I was sort of her mentor. At first she was very timid. It was hard for a woman to break into primarily a man’s business. But as time went on she became more confident, and eventually she took on the style and characteristics of me. She would have changed her name to Beaver except for… well, you know.

I had dinner that night at the Apple Pan with my daughter, Annie. Her real name is Diana. New theme: we all have dual identities. But does that theme clash with the other theme that we all long for the past (if in fact that was the other theme – I know it had something to do with reflection)?

I remember the day Annie came to work with me. It was last Friday when we both helped punch up a pilot. I thought back to how she has changed over the years – how she’s developed from a little girl into a lovely young woman, and how I’m still pitching the same jokes. In fact, the joke I pitched for that WINGS scene that was rejected made it into the pilot.

Later that night I was sitting at a bar at the Courtyard by Marriott in Century City (no significance, I just get points toward a free room) feeling sorry for myself. Did that joke mean all of our past experiences are valuable and will at some time be called upon? Or does it mean that I’m just a hack? Sometimes there are no clear answers in my life. Jesus, I’ve even started repeating sentences.

A mysterious woman sat down next to me. She ordered a martini and the chicken wings appetizer. WINGS? She noticed I was depressed even though I said nothing. But my crying might have been a tip off.  She said, “Are you sad because you’re lonely?” No. “Sad because you’re getting older?” No, but thanks for bringing that up. “Sad because you’re in need of sex?” No, unless that’s an offer. “Sad because there’s ultimately no meaning? No. “Then what is it?”

I took a drink, thought back to the beach and the pilot and my daughter and all the other clues and suddenly it became crystal clear.  I didn't need to join some crackpot artist colony in Palm Springs or have seven affairs.   The existential answer made itself visible to me.  Here's what I realized:

This is the type of article that would be perfect for the New Yorker’s “Shouts & Murmurs” feature but they never even respond to my submissions.

At that point the PA began to play "Hooked on a Feeling" by David Hasselhoff . I have no idea why.  And then the lights went out but the song kept playing.  This is tough to take every week. 

Annette Funicello 1942-2013

This one hit me hard. Very hard. Me and fifty-million baby boomers. Annette Funicello passed away yesterday at age 70.  She had a major and lasting impact on all our lives. 

We were the first generation weaned on television. Even though our screens were twelve inches, the images were only in black and white, there were only a handful of channels, and often the reception was snowy or blurry, television was the most amazing wonderful incredible invention of all-time. Think of your awe when you first saw the iPhone and the things it could do. Now multiply that by a million. That was TV in the ‘50s.

Every afternoon every one of us came home and turned on this magic box. And we all watched the exact same show. THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB on ABC. It was on five days a week and it starred kids… just like us. They were peppier than we were, could sing and dance better, and were cuter but it was still us reflected back on our television screens.

We got to know these kids – the Mouseketeers -- Cheryl, Bobby, Lonnie, Cubby, Karen, Doreen, a bunch of others, and Annette.

Annette was the one who stood out, and I can’t tell you why exactly. There was something special about her. She always seemed so accessible, so nice. Not that the other girls weren’t, but I got a vibe, even at six, that they had stage mothers just off camera ready to ground them if they sang a wrong note. Annette seemed regular, which therefore made her special.

At a time when girls were this complete mystery to me I still felt that if I knew Annette in real life that she would be my friend. She wouldn’t care that I was younger and kind of goofy-looking and couldn’t sing or dance if the Nazis were holding my parents. She would still accept me. Now multiply that by fifty million.

Annette was also the first Mouseketeer to noticeably uh, develop. So she stood out in that way too. If she wasn’t every little boy’s first crush before, that certainly sealed it.

Later she went on to record some icky pop records and star in a series of BEACH PARTY movies with Frankie Avalon. It was the early ‘60s version of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY. By then she had large helmet hair and never wore string bikinis. But it was Annette. Just seeing her without the mouse ears was erotic enough.

She disappeared from the public eye and raised her own family.  After twenty-five years I'd say she was entitled to a little me time. 

It breaks my heart to think that she suffered the last twenty years of her life with MS and sacrificed a normal childhood to better all of ours. If it’s any comfort, she was truly loved by an entire generation. And we mourn her passing deeply. You never forget your first. Thank you, Annette, for being my dear friend even though I never met you.

How Matt Lauer can save his career

INT. STARBUCKS – BEVERLY HILLS

CHARLIE SHEEN IS AT A SMALL TABLE HAVING COFFEE. HE’S JOINED BY MATT LAUER.

MATT: Hey, Charlie, thanks for seeing me.

CHARLIE: No problem. No one’s ever flown all the way across the country just to have coffee with me before. At least no man.

MATT: Well, I need some advice.

A HOT WOMAN CROSSES BY.

CHARLIE: Hey Angela. Unless you wanna give me a blowjob I have nothing to say to you, bitch.

ANGELA: Oh, Charlie, you’re so funny.

SHE SPITS ON MATT AS SHE MOVES OFF.

MATT: See? Right there. That’s the problem.

CHARLIE: What?  I didn't see a problem.

MATT: Women hate me! I’m charming, personable, warm. They spit on me. You slug them, trash their homes, dump them and your ratings go through the roof. What’s your secret, man?

CHARLIE: Well, first of all I’m better looking than you. There’s that. I have hair. You’re pretty bald, always wearing a suit. You’re the guy women go to for a loan.

MATT: I should get a toupee and dress like Justin Bieber?

CHARLIE: Good start.

MATT: I have to dress like this.  I host THE TODAY SHOW.

CHARLIE: Really?  You do?  I didn’t know that. Sorry. I don’t mean to offend.

ANOTHER HOT WOMAN WALKS BY.

CHARLIE: (to the woman) Wash your hair, dear.

SHE CHUCKLES THEN SPITS ON MATT AND MOVES OFF.

MATT: No, it’s alright. Only 2% of America watches.

CHARLIE: 2%? Jesus. More people came to my “Violent Torpedo of Truth” concerts. What a fucking mess. Women booed and threw things at me. I then got another sitcom with a guarantee of a hundred episodes so I’m set for life.

MATT: Unbelievable.

CHARLIE: In what way? I don’t understand.

MATT: Never mind. Look, I’m going to lose my job if I can’t win back the women audience.

CHARLIE: Win them back? So at one time you had them?

MATT: Yes, for twenty years.

CHARLIE: That’s pretty solid. So what horrific thing did you do that caused an entire sex to revile you?

MATT: I didn’t smile enough when Ann Curry talked.

CHARLIE: Say what?

MATT: I seemed distant.

CHARLIE: Are you shitting me?

MATT: And so when they fired her, it appeared I was behind it.

CHARLIE: Were you?

MATT: Well sure, but that’s not the issue.

CHARLIE: So what did you do?

MATT: I denied it of course. I worked with spin doctors. We blitzed the media with press releases from NBC executives saying I was the lone voice who wanted to keep her. Also, I send out damage control tweets. I pretend I’m excited over cooking segments.

CHARLIE: Wait! Stop! I’m getting physically ill. Alright, I got the answer. Here’s what you do.

MATT LEANS IN AND CHARLIE BEGINS TO WHISPER ADVICE.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TODAY SHOW SET – MORNING (TWO DAYS LATER)

THE SHOW’S IN PROGRESS. MATT IS ON CAMERA.

MATT: Thank you, Al. Glad I brought my umbrella. Now before we go to the next segment, there’s something I’d like to say to all you viewers. There’s been a lot of controversy and hearsay surrounding the firing of Ann Curry and my supposed role in it. Let me take a second to clear up a few things. First of all, Ann Curry sucked! She had no business being a co-host. Am I the only one who noticed that big stick up her ass? Jesus, people! Every interview was gut wrenching. Idiots got eliminated from THE VOICE. Big friggin’ deal! And you heard when I tried to have a little banter with her. It was like joking with a waiter. Can’t be done. And you knew it too. Yes, you did. So excuse me for not being phony and cooing all over this dead weight. Excuse me for being honest and feeling the exact same way you did. What the hell? We dump this broad and suddenly you love her? She’s a freaking victim? Yeah. I tried to get Ann Curry fired. What of it? You’re going to tell me Savannah isn’t way hotter? And look at those tits. Wow! She’s also younger, or are we going to pretend that that doesn’t matter? I’m tired of being blamed for this! Morning TV is a war, people. And I’m a warlord. I’m going to win! Win! Win!

TO PUNCTUATE THIS, MATT GETS UP AND BEGINS SMASHING THE FURNITURE. THREE SECURITY GUARDS RUSH ONTO THE SET TO RESTRAIN HIM.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. TODAY SHOW – MORNING (THE FOLLOWING WEEK)

A CONTRITE MATT LAUER IS READING FROM A SHEET OF PAPER.

MATT: The regrettable remarks I made on this program last Monday were the result of an adverse reaction to pain medication I had been prescribed. I have been and continue to be under medical supervision. I apologize to all my fans and any viewer for my deplorable behavior. I was sick.  I was out of control, but I was sick.  Let me repeat that:  I was sick.  I hope you can someday see it in your hearts to forgive me.  Thank you. That’s all I have to say.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT.  ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT – THAT NIGHT

SHOW IN PROGRESS. HOST NANCY O’DELL IS ON CAMERA.

NANCY: The big story tonight is that NBC has renewed Matt Lauer’s contract and he will continue as the host of THE TODAY SHOW for at least ten more years for what we hear is a substantial raise. Congratulations, Matt. And please call me. I’d love to go out and get a drink with you.

FADE OUT.

CHEERS theme in German

Where everybody knows your name became you have to always produce papers.

Time we'll never get back

We hear all the time that we spend a third of our lives sleeping. What about other precious time?

How much time that we’ll never get back do we spend…

Idling at intersections?

Waiting in doctors’ waiting rooms?

Trying on clothes we don’t wear?

Going through TSA inspections?

Re-reading paragraphs of books we’ve already read?

Talking to phone solicitors?

Sitting through commercials before movies start?

Waiting on the line for tech support?

Waiting in line at Starbucks?

Sitting on tarmacs?

Watching the little spinning beach ball?

Waiting for rock concerts to begin?

Channel surfing?

Reading bad jokes people email us?

Sending bad jokes to others?

Wrapping presents?

Stuck in traffic?

Playing Angry Birds?

Watching bad movies because we paid to see them?

Standing at bus stops?

Scrolling through Facebook postings of your friends’ adorable pets?

Reading this blog?

Eliza Dushku and my swimming pool

One advantage or disadvantage of living in Los Angeles is that some production company might want to use your house for filming.   My house was almost used once.  Talk about the one that got away.  Here's the sad story:

One day five years we get a knock on our front door. My wife answers to find the location manager for a new pilot called DOLLHOUSE. It was a Joss Whedon production. She was aware of the name. He was my marching buddy one day on the strike line. Anyway, they were interested in using our pool for the pilot. They had been scanning GoogleMaps and from 300,000 miles our pool seemed to be the right shape and color.

He took pictures, said ours was one of a number they were considering, and gave her his number if we had any questions.

I came home that night and was not enthused. The thought of a film crew – sixty guys named Dave – trampling through my house and yard did not excite me. They always say they’ll leave the house exactly as they found it but do they really? What if they break my priceless bowling trophy? Plus, it’s just an invasion of privacy. I don’t want to be sunbathing nude while Dave, Dave, Dave, and Dave drag cables across the patio.

And there was a chance they’d want to film the second night of Passover, which is when we had 35 people coming to the house.

Yes, they pay you but weighing all the factors, it just didn’t seem worth it. I called the location manager, politely passed, and then, purely out of curiosity, asked what the scene was about. The conversation went something like this:

LOCATION MANAGER: Eliza Dushku would be swimming laps.

ME: Eliza Dushku?

LOCATION MANAGER: Yeah, she’s been cast as the star.

ME: Eliza Dushku? In my pool?

LOCATION MANAGER: Well, thanks for letting us take a look.

ME: Wait. Wait a minute. Eliza Dushku would be at my house? Swimming in my pool? Getting out and drying off? Maybe a few times? And you'd be paying me? Would I be allowed to be there?

LOCATION MANAGER: Of course. It’s your house. Have a good weekend.

ME: HOLD IT! Wait! I think we can do this. Yes. Definitely. I’m back in.

LOCATION MANAGER: But you said there was likely to be a conflict.

ME: What? The Jewish holidays? No, don’t worry about them. It's not like they’re carved in stone. Would I be allowed to invite my poker buddies?

LOCATION MANAGER: We found some other good pools anyway, so it’s really no big deal.

ME: Where? They can’t be as nice as mine. What if I waive the fee? The poker guys don’t have to come.

LOCATION MANAGER: Listen, I’ve got another call…

ME: Joss Whedon! He’s a very close friend of mine. I know he’s going to want to use my place.

LOCATION MANAGER: Well, you could always call him.

ME: I don’t know his number.

LOCATION MANAGER: Goodnight, sir.

ME: Tell ya what, could you have him call me? Ken Levine. We marched together at 20th. I wore the ALMOST PERFECT baseball cap. He asked “Was that a show?” Really. We got very tight.

DIAL TONE

ME: Hello…? Hello…?

They did not use my pool. Whoever’s pool they did use, they used multiple times. And the show lasted a couple of seasons so they probably used that pool multiple times. Oh, and they didn’t shoot during Passover.   You can search for my house on Google Maps by just typing in the word "schmuck."

A rare un-aired Larry Gelbart pilot

UPDATE:  UNFORTUNATELY, THIS VIDEO HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN.  I invite you to scroll up or down and read other posts.   Sorry about that.

Few people know that Larry Gelbart wrote the first pilot of THREE'S COMPANY. Actually, the first American adaptation of the British series. Imagine the THREE'S COMPANY you know but with smarter jokes and different girls.   I don't know why they decided to completely throw out his script once they recast but they did.   Actually, there were three THREE'S COMPANY pilots.  Ritter and Joyce DeWitt were in the second but with a different blonde.  She was replaced by Suzanne Sommers and the rest is dubious history.   John Ritter, Norman Fell, and Audra Lindley were in all three versions as was that insipid theme song.  (I know I'm going to get a bunch of irate readers commenting that I'm crazy and that the theme was great, but I'm standing my ground on this one.)

Ironically, there was a period of time when MASH was on Tuesday nights up against THREE'S COMPANY and TC killed it in the ratings.  It was only when CBS moved MASH to Monday nights at 9:00 did the show really take off.   David Isaacs and I were very relieved.  We were the head writers then and it was reassuring to know the show faltered in the ratings due to the competition and not us.   We didn't want to be known as the writing team that killed MASH.

Although Larry never got a created by or developed by credit he did receive a nice royalty for every episode. 

I don't know how this re-surfaced after so many years but it's worth taking a look.  Enjoy a look into the alternate universe.

Coping with comedy writer depression

This is a serious Friday Question. More humor tomorrow but today I need to address this. Usually I frown on Anonymous posters but not in this case. 

Here's his question:

Ken, I'm a mid-level writer and have been writing on sitcoms for about six years. Alan Kirschenbaum (pictured above) and Lester Lewis' suicides were chilling because I see how this job may have driven them to it. I see that kind of pain all around me, in other sitcom writers, in myself. How did you keep your head straight when you did your time working on staffs? Yes, I'm aware of how great the WGA's mental health benefits are, but aside from that, did you land upon an effective way to deal with all the lows? Sorry to be anonymous, but I'm sure you understand why.

First off, my heart goes out to you. And anyone who feels despondent in their life or life’s work. Depression can be a killer.  But therapy and proper medication have helped millions recover and go on to lead normal, healthy, happy lives. 

Besides advising you strongly to seek counseling I can only tell you what works for me. I’m not a medical professional, nor can I speculate on the reasons why Alan and Lester chose to take their own lives. My guess is their careers were a factor but there were others as well.   I didn’t know either of them very well. I worked with Alan briefly on a couple of shows; Lester I never met.

I can also point out that like any writer, I have weathered my share of disappointments, doubts, failures, and frustrations. They come with the territory.  There was one period, after doing the MARY show that I needed to drop out and not do anything for three months. So these are battle-tested methods, at least regarding me. I hate when actors give acceptance speeches after winning big awards and say, “This just proves if you love what you’re doing and stay with it you’ll make it.” Bullshit! You made it. You were incredibly lucky, were blessed with God-given talent, or your slept your way to the top, but don’t be giving advice to others as if anyone can follow your path.

Here was mine:

David Isaacs and I were just starting out. We had sold a couple of freelance scripts and were completely starry-eyed. And then we heard that a writer for ALL IN THE FAMILY, on his way to a Sunday rewrite after working grueling hours every day for weeks, felt chest pains, pulled off to the side of the freeway, had a heart attack and died. He was in his 50’s. This was a sobering moment for us. Even then, even in the euphoria of finally breaking into the business, we realized that literally killing yourself for the sake of a script was foolhardy.  As a result, our mantra has always been…

It’s just a stupid television show.

It may not seem it at the time of crisis but if you step back, allow yourself a little perspective, you’ll see that it’s true.

It’s just a stupid television show.

Yes, you want to make your show great. You want it to be something you’re immensely proud of, something seen by millions of people. You work your ass off, as you should. But at the end of the day…

It’s just a stupid television show.

A few years ago a writer killed himself after a bad table reading of a MR. ED reboot pilot. Can you imagine something that tragic and absurd?

Look for other things in your life that you enjoy or give you meaning. If as a God-forbid you have to get out of television, you will probably find that’s not the worst thing that's ever happened to you.  It might just be the best. Re-inventing yourself is not a bad thing. I will admit it’s harder to do that the older you get. Opportunities dry up with age. But it’s certainly worth exploring. A lot of my contemporaries have found satisfaction in other fields. One former comedy writer teaches Russian Studies in college, another is now an author, still a third runs a bed & breakfast in Vermont.

Is there something else you’d like to do? It may not even be a dream job, but if the stress is way less, if you go home at a decent hour, if you’re able to watch basketball for the first time in fifteen years, then maybe it’s worth it.

I got very lucky. At the end of that MARY experience I had an “Is that all there is?” moment and decided to chase my other passion, baseball announcing. It was a lark more than anything. When I went to the upper deck of Dodger Stadium with a tape recorder I never seriously believed I’d make it to the major leagues. The truth? After spending a year locked in a writing room, I was just thrilled to be outdoors. It worked out for me amazingly well, but that was just a bonus.

And then there’s Alan Ball. I’ve told this story before but he was on staff of CYBILL and was miserable. So at night, for his own sanity, he wrote a spec screenplay. That was AMERICAN BEAUTY.

I offer these merely as examples that there are alternatives. A lawyer I knew said “Fuck it” and opened a crepe restaurant. A former big league ballplayer is writing a musical. A former comedy writer is going to nursing school. What else floats your boat?

And finally, to the person I say, you are welcome to contact me. My email is bossjock@dslextreme.com. I’m happy to sit down and have coffee with you and do whatever I can. Comedy is hard but shouldn’t be that hard.

My best wishes to all of you in this painful situation.

It's just a stupid television show.

These are the pilots they're making this year

In a mission far more dangerous than anything they’ve tried on COVERT AFFAIRS, THE AMERICANS, HOMELAND, 24, or CUPCAKE WARS, I managed to obtain the official list of this year’s pilot pick-ups. I was only able to read it once before having to eat it for security reasons. But I took notes – in Klingon of course, as a necessary precaution in case they fell into the wrong hands. One can’t be too careful when it comes to pilot loglines.

So at great personal risk to me, here is what the networks are generally developing for the 2013/14 season:

A hundred variations of a single-parent struggling to maintain their career while raising an insufferable sitcom-one-liner-joke-machine precocious kid.

Groups of thirtysomethings trying to navigate the dating scene. Barney Stinson meets FRIENDS.

Every other pilot is about parents moving in with their kids or kids moving back in with their parents. And the parents are always overbearing and outspoken.

Every workplace has an obnoxious mean boss.

Another big trend is loosely-based autobiographical accounts of dysfunctional families. Playing the diversity/alcoholic/mental illness card to delight and touch you.

And then there’s…

SEX IN THE CITY with divorced men, SEX IN THE CITY with older women.

Fathers and daughters working together. (JUST SHOOT ME but… well, it is JUST SHOOT ME.)

Adaptations of books, mostly dating books.

Loose cannon shithead must raise a precocious kid. ONE AND A HALF MEN.

So much depends on the execution and for all I know a few of these are great. America’s next classic sitcom could be buried in there somewhere. So I’m withholding any judgment…

BUT….

This is the actual logline from one of the ordered pilots:

A single-camera comedy that follows Kimmie and her two best friends, who make it a priority to eat pizza in their pajamas and watch a movie before their strict midnight bedtime every Friday.

I dunno. I somehow can’t imagine that premise supporting 100 episodes. But I could just be jealous because I didn’t think of it.

Now remember – none of this you heard from me… including best of luck to all of you who have pilots in contention!

One of those great network stories

 ABC has a pilot in development.  Here's the logline:  When Terry Gannon, a recently divorced, single mother, temporarily moves in with her estranged father, a beer swilling former baseball player, she reluctantly starts coaching her son's underdog little league team and is drawn back into the world of sports she vowed to leave behind. 

This is not the first time this basic premise has been tried.  I wonder if the ABC pilot gets the same note as the CBS version. 

Right around this time in 1979 CBS premiered a new sitcom called THE BAD NEWS BEARS. It was an adaptation of the terrific movie of the same name. (If you haven’t seen it, check it out. Walter Matthau, Tatum O’Neal, and a young very weird Jackie Earle Haley) In the TV version Jack Warden played the Matthau part.

Here’s that premise: a little league team of rag tag junior high misfits is coached by an alcoholic former minor leaguer down on his luck. Hilarity and dropped fly balls ensue. 

The series debuted and did well enough to get renewed for the Fall of 1980. It was on Saturday nights. Most of the shows were filmed on Westside little league fields.

Research was conducted based on the audience and the time slot, and once the show was picked up CBS gave the producers one note.

Cut out any baseball.

The (then) Saturday night audience was largely women and women didn't like baseball.

The producers reminded them this was a show about baseball. The Bad News Bears were a little league BASEBALL team. CBS said, “make it more about the relationship between Jack Warden and the kids.” And they said, “Yeah, but he’s their BASEBALL coach.” They countered with, “Well, then do more with the romance between Warden and Catherine Hicks, who played the junior high principal. So it should be a romantic comedy even though the premise is about baseball and kids and now neither were emphasized?  "We don't care as long as there's no baseball."

Try that for a writing exercise future-showrunners. 

BAD NEWS BEARS had their season debut in September, and for whatever reason, tanked in the ratings and was soon cancelled. Remember, when it debuted in the spring it got good enough numbers to be renewed. So what was the difference? Could it perhaps, just maybe, by some slim chance be… BASEBALL?

Good luck with the ABC pilot.

Inside THE PRICE IS RIGHT

My daughter Annie recently attended the taping of THE PRICE IS RIGHT (it will air tomorrow morning, Wednesday) and along with her writing partner, Jon Emerson files this account of it:

Recently, a friend of mine came to visit and wanted to do something “touristy” in the city. I happen to live very close to where they tape THE PRICE IS RIGHT and my dad happens to enjoy getting a day off from blogging, so it didn't take long to put two and two together...

We got in line around six in the morning and were already behind a half-dozen people praying for the chance to “come on down.” A regular Algonquin Round Table. (IKEA round table; actual retail price: $199.)

There was the married couple from Utah who drove ten hours literally just for this taping. As soon as it was over they were headed right back. I didn't ask how he chose which wife to bring, but I assume she was the one who does the grocery shopping.

And Scott, the entrepreneur, whose real goal was to get on SHARK TANK. His latest stroke of genius was a combination watch and stun gun. (Mederma Scar Cream; actual retail price: $20.)

As the line grew behind us, I began to realize we were dressed like complete idiots. In that we were the only ones not dressed like complete idiots. A rainbow of t-shirts covered in blood, sweat, and Puffy Paint. (Dimensional Puffy Fabric Paint; actual retail price: $9.99 for a pack of six.) Each shirt featured witty turns of phrase like “Sock It Drew Me” and “Just Drew It!” I almost Drew my brains out.

In line at six in the morning and we finally got through the CBS gates around nine. Much to our chagrin, we were just put into another line. Our newest line companion was Michael Polosky. This was Michael's thirty-seventh taping of THE PRICE IS RIGHT. He knew every single thing I could have ever wondered about the show except what made me think coming to it was a good idea.

At last we were given the iconic price tag name badges. The show requires you put your full legal first name on the badge, meaning I had to be Diana. Nobody ever calls me Diana, so for all I know, they did call me down and I just ignored it. That'll make for a fun blooper reel. (Game Show Moments Gone Bananas (DVD); actual retail price: $13.)

Everyone in line was divided up into groups of twelve to sixteen people. Each group was interviewed so that the producers could find contestants for this particular episode. Personally, I thought I nailed my interview. I was charming, I was funny, I was a sure-fire TV sensation.

I was seated in the very back row.

We would have been closer to the stage if I sat on my couch at home.

I will say this, though... I don't know if it was the psychedelic set, the allure of winning a trampoline, or what, but as soon as I sat in that metal folding chair, I went from mumbling “I hate this” to screaming “PICK THE KAYAK!” in sixty-seconds flat. (Mark 1 Economy Stopwatch; actual retail price: $8.)

Drew Carey came out, the place went nuts, and only six hours from the time we got in line, we finally heard: “It's the Price is Riiiiiight!”

THE PRICE IS RIGHT is currently involved in a $7.7 million lawsuit. I think the producers might be worried they'll have to pay out because one of the big prizes of the show was a BBQ shaped like a pickle. Sure, people won cars, but I don't remember the old PRICE IS RIGHT requiring you to return those cars to the nearest Enterprise location with the same amount of gas in the tank as when you got it.

For most of the audience (read: old women) the biggest draw of the show was the raw sexual magnetism of Drew Carey...'s male model assistant “Hot Rob.” “Hot Rob” is the first male model the show has ever had. From the looks of him, he gets paid per ab. (Total Gym XLS; actual retail price: $999.)

At one point, Drew read the contestant's bids incorrectly and called the wrong person up to the stage. The audience felt terrible for her as she danced her way up to Drew and then had to walk back to her podium. Then Hot Rob gave her a hug and the audience wanted to kill her.

After the taping, they had us all stay behind to do pick-ups. It was mostly contestants having to recreate their psychotic sprinting from their seats to the stage. Can you imagine? “I'm so sorry you didn't win that trip, that car, any of the furniture, and you got beaten in the Showcase Showdown by only a dollar... But, hey, at least you got that hot dog cooker. Now run down here again and put a little more enthusiasm into it.”

They let us all go home and I have to admit I was thrilled with the experience. Sure, I didn't get called up to be a contestant, but I buy everything with coupons anyway, so how good could I have done?

This particular episode airs tomorrow. I'll be the one way in the back trying to stop a 200 year-old woman from rushing the stage to get at Hot Rob. (Trojan condoms; actual retail price: $14.)

That's the end of this blog post. Thanks for reading and don't forget to have your pets spayed or neutered.

Thanks again to Jon & Diana... I mean Annie.    

NEWS FLASH: I will be taking over GIRLS

An official announcement will be made later today, but I have been given an offer I couldn't refuse and so I am returning to series television. I just signed to be the new showrunner of GIRLS.  I know.  Mind blowing, isn't it?  I still can't believe it myself.  This is a deal that has been in the works for months. It’s one of the reasons I am not doing baseball this year. I needed to free my schedule.

Here’s what happened and trust me, it was completely out of the blue. Unbeknownst to me, Lena Dunham is a huge fan of my blog. GIRLS has been in ratings-freefall all second season long, and when HBO renewed it for a third year it was with the stipulation that they would make significant changes.

When Lena was out here in January for the Golden Globes we met for two days, I spelled out my suggestions for the show, and she embraced them. Further meetings with Judd Apatow and HBO followed and a deal was hammered out. One of my stipulations was that I would still be able to continue this blog. Judd said if I was really in a bind for time he’d write a few things for me. Or have Seth Rogen do it. Thanks, Judd.

So what are my changes?  You'll read about these tomorrow in Alan Sepinwall's and Maureen Ryan's columns but why shouldn't you know before anyone else?

First of all we’re going to do the third season multi-camera, shot in front of a studio audience. HBO was concerned they were getting away from the comedy and this will help in that regard. Now when there are laughs you'll know.  Yes, the objection has been voiced – won’t that format make the show seem less groundbreaking? No, and here’s why: Lena will do the same amount of nudity, except now in front of an audience. When have you ever seen that before on a sitcom? In many ways it will be more groundbreaking. And Lena, I'm in awe of your bravery. 

Lovers of the show fear not. There will still be masturbating and anal sex but now there will be applause at the end, just like you do at home.

We’re also adding some fresh daring characters. To address the criticism the show is too white, we’re adding an African-American. Bill Cosby returns to television as Doodles, an irascible homeless guy who has an opinion on everything. He’ll befriend Hannah and explain to her why hip hop music is destroying the black community.

For a big season kick off, Judd has graciously agreed to do a crossover episode with the cast of THIS IS 40.  Leslie Mann and Rebekka Johnson who played Gyno Nurse will be reprising their roles. The public interest should be HUGE.

Also, I plan to take advantage of the fact that the stars of the show all have famous fathers. So Brian Williams and David Mamet will both become series regulars. Brian will be Hannah’s wacky landlord, Mr. Higgenfroofer, and David will be her opera singing neighbor.

I hope you are as excited about these improvements as I am… or Lena is.

Today is April first. We go back into production one month from today. Look for the official announcement later today. Here’s a quote from it:

I feel so honored that Lena Dunham has chosen me to help her realize her vision.

GIRLS rock!!! 

To make it clear, especially for those who read this beyond April 1st -- this post was an April Fool's gag.  I am not taking over GIRLS.  It would have meant having to take off my clothes.  I'm pretty sure America doesn't want to see that.   Thanks for playing along.  Hope you had fun with it.