The Golden Globes -- my review

First let me say the Golden Globes is to the Oscars and Emmys what the Rupert Pupkin Show is to THE TONIGHT SHOW. Especially this year. The nominations are staggeringly ridiculous and shows are in categories that bear no resemblance to the genres they belong in. So there is zero credibility and importance as to who wins.

Among the absurd snubs this year: THE WALKING DEAD, Tatiana Maslany, Lisa Kudrow, Julia Roberts, Maggie Smith, BIG BANG THEORY, MODERN FAMILY, MAD MEN, and SONS OF ANARCHY (well, everyone ignores that one). Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston gets nominated for wearing a back brace for her part. That’s “acting.”

As a reminder, the Hollywood Foreign Press is a grand total of 89 critics, some of whom are literally waiters. People win these awards for being generous tippers. Considering members of the Hollywood Foreign Press can be bought, some of them might be NFL referees.

But let’s travel over the potholes on Wilshire Blvd. to the Beverly Hilton Hotel where the red carpet is just out of view of a construction site (“Would you like a hard hat, Ms. Blunt?”) to review last night’s sanctimonious Golden Globe Awards. Helping me this year is the comedy writing team of Annie Levine & Jonathan Emerson. They pitched in some lines and stopped me from changing the channel when F TROOP came on MeTV.

First up was the NBC Red Carpet show, anchored by Matt Lauer and Savannah Guthrie. Matt always looks so uncomfortable. And why not? THE TODAY SHOW is getting killed in the ratings and all the other network morning hosts are in Paris covering the major news story of the day while he’s in Beverly Hills (adjacent) interviewing George Clooney’s wife.

Amal Clooney is gorgeous but scary thin. You won him already. Eat something.

Matt fawned all over her, stating she is an accomplished attorney who has handled high-profile cases, and Jon wanted him to add, “But none of that matters because you’re now Mrs. Clooney.”

Lots of the stars were wearing lapel pins in support of Paris. I’m sure when they were issued a few weeks ago they were intended to be in support of Sony, the hacked studio.

Helen Mirren wore a fountain pen on her gown in support of “free speech.” Hollywood cares. On camera.

When Bill Murray was asked how he felt about being a double nominee he said it was “better than being a double amputee.”

Savannah asked Eddie Redmayne what his process was for becoming Stephen Hawking? Jon thought his answer should have been: “I sat down.”

Nice of Savannah to remind Matthew McConaughey that “LAST year was really your year.”

With that new beard and mustache, McConaughey looked like either a Civil War General or outfielder for the Boston Red Sox.

Yeah, now Matt & Savannah need Amy Adams. They didn’t a few weeks ago when they dumped her interview and NBC publicly claimed she was difficult. But on the red carpet they were practically licking her pumps. You could almost see the thought bubble over Matt’s head: “Why aren’t I in Paris?!”

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler again were the absolute highlight of the night with their opening monologue. Some great lines and their dueling Bill Cosby impressions were both hilarious and tasteless.

Unfortunately, after that – ten minutes into a three-plus hour ordeal, the laughs stopped. Nothing was particularly funny, even Tina & Amy. Their bit about the North Korean film critic not only died. But it was reprised and died three times. (In comedy we call that a Nakamura – a running bit that doesn’t work… again and again and again.)

I think Hollywood is finally starting to hate Ricky Gervais as much as America does.

Emma Stone looked like a table cloth got caught on the back of her dress.

Again, the nominees for each category were selected randomly. And there are so many genres lumped together in these categories that it’s impossible to keep everything straight. I apologize if I sometimes get confused as to who won what.

J.K. Simmons won for Best Foreign Film. Now that he’s a Golden Globe winner maybe he won’t have to star in a bad new NBC sitcom this year.

Speaking of “foreign films,” since this is the Foreign Press, aren’t American movies the ones that should be considered foreign?

Joanne Froggatt won for Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries, TV Movie, Stage Play, Musical, Puppet Show, Opera.

Jeffrey Tambor won for Best Actor and Actress for TRANSPARENT.

Naomi Watts looked like the world’s most delicious Easter Peep.

Half the show was winners trudging up the side stairs to the stage. It was like watching a security camera at LAX.

Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader were so unfunny I thought I was watching an old sketch from the CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE SHOW.

Every time they cut to Oprah she was overcome with emotion. I’m sure the tears were real when she lost. Poor Oprah can’t even win an award she can buy.

How come in the George Clooney film tribute they didn’t show him as Batman?

Show Business is so brave. They gave George Clooney a standing ovation for proclaiming: “We won’t walk in fear!” and yet NONE of them would sign his weenie petition last month denouncing Sony’s hackers. Forget the North Koreans, Hollywood is afraid of the Foreign Press.

Catherine Zeta-Jones came as a Catherine Zeta-Jones impersonator.

Amy Adams won for BIG EYES and thanked everyone but Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski, the two writers who found the project and toiled relentlessly for eleven years to get it made.

Best speech of the night was by Wes Anderson. Annie wondered if THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL won because people had mustaches.

Worst speech was Michael Keaton’s. I guess it was meant to be inspirational. You could come from a poor GRAPES OF WRATH background, brought up in a large family that struggled for every meal on the table. And still you could become a pretentious actor.

Prince and Claire Danes wore the same outfit. He at least pretended to be blind.

One of the Gyllenhaal’s won for something.

Kevin Spacey couldn’t find anyone to come with other than Kate Mara, the girl he killed in the season premier last year?

Most touching moment: Gina Rodriguez winning for JANE THE VIRGIN. Her acceptance speech was so heartfelt I felt bad that it wasn’t for a real award. I’d like to say this gives her show some much needed exposure but more people watch the CW than NBC.

Congratulations to Billy Bob Thornton for winning Best Animated Film for his work in FARGO.

Why didn’t they show Anna Kendrick? She looked stunning. Was she not wearing a solidarity pin?

Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda now have the same face.

They kept cutting away to Frances McDormand who looked like her husband had dragged her to a time share seminar.

Annie: I hate when writers give terrible speeches.

More people wrote BIRDMAN than appeared in it.

Jon thought Gwyneth Paltrow came dressed as Pepto-Bismol.

Keira Knightley’s print gown must’ve been an ode to her bug collection.

Did it seem like most of the winners had foreign sounding names or accents? Or was that just a coincidence?

Since there were no actual comedies nominated I forget which show won Best TV Comedy. Was it THE AFFAIR? Might have been. Or might as well have been.

I'll tell you what didn't win Best TV Comedy -- JANE THE VIRGIN, although ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY reported on its website that it did.  If you're going to screw up EW, at least report that SELMA won.  Oprah is so sad. 

And finally, in a salute to the big winner, BOYHOOD -- the show seemed like twelve years.

Look, the Golden Globes is a bogus fabricated TV “event” – much like the Pro Bowl. The best we could hope for is an entertaining fun silly show where shit-faced celebrities say things they shouldn’t and Salma Hayek has a wardrobe malfunction. But instead it was like attending Mitt Romney’s election night party.

Bring on the Oscars. Or even the Kids Choice Awards. They at least know that BIRDMAN isn’t a comedy.

Up next is...

From last Friday night, here's my wraparound for MURDER  BY DEATH, written by me and Courtney O'Brien.  Lots of names.  I stumbled a few times while taping this bad boy.  Join me on TCM next Friday night for three more Neil Simon films, including THE GOODBYE GIRL.  And now... MURDER BY DEATH. 

INTRO:


Hello and welcome to TCM. I’m Ken Levine – a TV writer and director, and here to once again shine our “Friday Night Ppotlight” on the work of Neil Simon. Tonight we’re going to bring you two Neil Simon double features.

In our first pairing, we have movies showcasing Simon’s tongue-in-cheek take on the mystery genre. For the second helping, it’s a double order of movies set in and around hotels.

Up first we bring you the 1976 murder mystery spoof “Murder by Death,” a film that is very much a sign of the times.

In the mid-1970s, parodies were incredibly popular. Writers and directors were spoofing many genres – Mel Brooks first parodied the western genre with the wildly funny “Blazing Saddles,” and then he took on monster movies with “Young Frankenstein.” the year before, Woody Allen gave his own spin to sci-fi flicks with “Sleeper.” so Neil Simon decided to take on the murder mystery genre, writing this film directly for the screen and drawing influence from Agatha Christie’s best seller, “And Then There Were None.”

In “Murder by Death,” Simon poses the question, “who is the greatest gumshoe of them all?”  He not only channels Miss Christie and her two major detectives – Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot – but also Dashiell Hammett’s Sam Spade, played most famously by Humphrey Bogart. Simon also includes his satirical versions of Nick and Nora Charles from the “Thin Man” film series, along with Charlie Chan.

All the names have been altered. Here you’ll meet Jessica Marbles, Milo Perrier, Sam Diamond, Dick and Dora Charleston, and Sidney Wang.

As you’ll see, Neil Simon and his producer Ray Stark rounded up an all-star cast: in alphabetical order, as they were billed: Eileen Brennan, Truman Capote -- yes, Truman Capote -- James Coco, Peter Falk, Alec Guinness, Elsa Lanchester, David Niven, Peter Sellers, Maggie Smith, and Nancy Walker.

Now. Warning: this is hardly a politically correct movie. Charlie Chan jokes alone are asking for it, but then to have Peter Sellers play the character – there are a few “yikes” moments in this film. From 1976, directed by Robert Moore, also with James Cromwell and Estelle Winwood, here’s Neil Simon’s “Murder by Death.”

OUTRO:

Though some of the jokes and puns may not work, the major problem Neil Simon had with “Murder by Death,” and perhaps an issue for some of you as well, was the casting of Truman Capote as the eccentric millionaire, Lionel Twain. Ray Stark, the producer of the film, thought the sheer publicity of casting Capote would draw an audience – and he was right. “Murder by Death” was a big box office hit.

But Simon thought Capote was completely wrong for the role – especially since he had no acting experience – and it showed.

Simon’s first choice for the role was Orson Welles, who wanted to do it but unfortunately had another commitment.

Coming up next, another mystery spoof from Neil Simon -- this one starring Peter Falk, and a film that blends “Casablanca,” “the Maltese Falcon,” “To Have and Have Not,” and many other classic Hollywood mysteries.

And then I said...

These transcripts from my TCM intros have been a hit.  (Hey, you get the info and don't have to actually watch me.)  Here's my wraparound for THE OUT OF TOWNERS.  Many thanks to reader Johnny Walker for un-capping the all-caps.   It was written by me and Anne Wilson.  

NOTE:  Tomorrow I will review the Golden Globes. 

INTRO:


Hi, I'm Ken Levine – a TV comedy writer and a playwright -- back again as your host for this month’s “Friday Night Spotlight” on Neil Simon.

You know Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong, will”? Well, that basically sums up our next movie. It’s called “THE OUT OF TOWNERS,” released in 1970, with an “original” screenplay by Simon – although it’s really more of an adaptation.

In 1967, Neil Simon wrote a broadway play called “PLAZA SUITE,” which was initially comprised of four, one-act plays that all took place at New York’s Plaza Hotel. Well during rehearsals, he realized that one of the stories – called “THE OUT OF TOWNERS” – didn’t really work.

It was about a man who, with his wife, come to New York to interview for a job – during which time, seemingly everyone and everything in the city appears to be conspiring against them.

But just hearing about the ridiculous mishaps were not nearly as funny as actually seeing them. So Simon took the story out, leaving “PLAZA SUITE” with ultimately three one-act plays. And instead, wrote the “OUT OF TOWNERS” as a screenplay. The result is the movie we have coming up next.

To play the leading man – who really gets put through the ringer – who better than the buttoned-up, yet always-ready-to-explode Jack Lemmon?

Lemmon was one of Neil Simon’s favorite actors, having already costarred in the movie you just saw, “THE ODD COUPLE.” and in turn, Lemmon was such a fan of Simon’s that he signed on to do “THE OUT OF TOWNERS” without even reading the script. Simon gave him the rough storyline over lunch one day and Jack Lemmon said he was in.

Oh, if it were that easy for the rest of us.

Playing Lemmon’s wife in our movie – with great comic timing – is Sandy Dennis, whose mousey character makes a perfect foil for Lemmon’s caged Daffy Duck.

Here, with appearances by Billy D. Williams and Paula Prentiss’ sister Ann Prentiss, who looks like Paula Prentiss. From 1970, “THE OUT OF TOWNERS.”

OUTRO (Note: the final gag is they are about to land back home in Ohio when their plane is hijacked to Cuba.)

Wow. I don’t know about you, but that ending really threw me for a loop. In this post- 9/11 world, it certainly plays differently than it must have to movie audiences in 1970.

But having said that, I really do love this film.

Interestingly, Neil Simon is a New Yorker through and through -- in fact, he actually became a playwright because he didn’t want to move to Los Angeles. Yet this movie is hardly a love song to his beloved city. We see the real New York – warts and all – with Simon incorporating a number of things that were happening in the Big Apple at the time, such as sanitation and transit strikes, crowded hotels and crime.

I mean, Woody Allen’s “MANHATTAN” this is not.

Maybe it was just his sneaky way to keep people from moving to New York. Hey, it worked on me.

Up next in our Friday Night Spotlight – a movie based on a semi-autobiographical play that marked Neil Simon’s first solo writing effort on Broadway. It’s from 1963 and stars ole’ blue eyes.

RIP Taylor Negron

I was shocked to learn that Taylor Negron has passed away. He was only 57. Cancer. I’ve known Taylor for many years, and worked with him as recently as last year when we both did a reading for Comedy Central’s Sit-n-Spin. The first time I met Taylor was in the late ‘70s when he was doing an improv show for THE L.A. CONNECTION on Venice Beach one Sunday afternoon. He was so funny and so inventive that he inspired me to get into improv myself.

You may not know the name but you’ve seen him in hundreds of movies and TV shows. He was Mr. Pizza Guy in FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. He was the villain in THE LAST BOY SCOUT.

Taylor had the rare ability to play exaggerated characters and make them seem absolutely real and believable. He was also a chameleon. Give him any character and he could pull it off. He could also elevate just about any material you gave him.

And offstage, he was the dearest soul. I will miss his smile, the twinkle in his eye, and his uplifting spirit. Taken from us way too soon. RIP Taylor.

Okay, here's another one

Here's another script from my TCM Neil Simon Film Festival.  Written by me and Courtney O'Brien.  It's for CALIFORNIA SUITE, which aired last night... but so late on the East Coast that probably very few saw it (live).   It's in all-caps because that's the way it was prepared for the teleprompter.  I'm too lazy to take the time to turn it into upper and lower case.  Enjoy. 

HI, WELCOME BACK. I’M KEN LEVINE, A PLAYWRIGHT AND TV WRITER, AND YOUR HOST FOR THIS MONTH’S “FRIDAY NIGHT SPOTLIGHT” FOCUSED ON THE WORK OF NEIL SIMON.

IN OUR LAST FILM, “PLAZA SUITE,” SIMON SHARED WITH US THREE STORIES ALL TAKING PLACE IN THE SAME HOTEL ROOM AT NEW YORK’S FAMED PLAZA HOTEL. WELL, UP NEXT, WE TRAVEL TO THE WEST COAST AND THE BEVERLY HILLS HOTEL FOR A FILM FROM 1978 CALLED, OF ALL THINGS, “CALIFORNIA SUITE.”

THIS ONE TOO, WAS ORIGINALLY A PLAY. SIMILAR IN FORMAT, IT CONTAINS FOUR STORIES – EACH ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, SOME MORE COMICAL THAN OTHERS. BUT IT’S MUCH MORE CINEMATIC. THE CAMERA OFTEN LEAVES THE ACTUAL SUITE. SO IT FEELS MORE LIKE A – Y’KNOW – MOVIE.

FILLING THE SCREEN ARE SOME OF THE BIGGEST STARS OF THE DECADE – JANE FONDA, BILL COSBY, RICHARD PRYOR, MICHAEL CAINE, MAGGIE SMITH, WALTER MATTHAU, ELAINE MAY, AND ALAN ALDA.

AT THE TIME ALDA MADE THIS FILM, HE WAS ALSO STARRING IN THE TV VERSION OF “MASH,” I WAS A HEAD WRITER ON THE SHOW AT THE TIME AND IT’S BIZARRE TO THINK THAT NEIL SIMON AND I WERE WRITING FOR THE SAME ACTORS. I WOULD KID ALAN AND SAY, “WHO IS BETTER, ME OR NEIL?” ALWAYS A MENSCH, ALAN NEVER GAVE ME THE HONEST ANSWER.

I DID ASK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF WORKING WITH NEIL SIMON. HE SAID THAT SIMON WAS USUALLY ON SET, VERY APPROACHABLE, AND IF YOU HAD A PROBLEM WITH A LINE OR MOMENT IN THE SCRIPT HE WAS ALWAYS AVAILABLE AND HAPPY TO ADJUST IT. ACCORDING TO ALAN AND MANY OTHER ACTORS, NEIL SIMON IS AN INCREDIBLY COLLABORATIVE ARTIST – PROBABLY ONE REASON HE WAS ABLE TO GET SUCH TALENTED PEOPLE TO APPEAR IN BOTH HIS PLAYS AND HIS FILMS.

HERE’S AN EXAMPLE -- FROM 1978, DIRECTED BY HERBERT ROSS, HERE’S “CALIFORNIA SUITE.”

 OUTRO

IN HIS MEMOIR, NEIL SIMON WROTE THAT THE CENTRAL STORYLINE OF THE FILM AND PLAY “CALIFORNIA SUITE” WAS THE ONE INVOLVING DIANA AND SIDNEY, PLAYED BY MAGGIE SMITH AND MICHAEL CAINE. AND I HAVE TO SAY, IT’S ALSO THE STORYLINE WITH SOME OF THE BEST LINES, ESPECIALLY THE WAY MAGGIE SMITH DELIVERS THEM. OF COURSE, FANS OF DOWNTON ABBEY ARE NOT SURPRISED BY THAT.

WHEN DIANA SAYS, “GLENDA JACKSON NEVER COMES AND SHE’S NOMINATED EVERY GODDAMNED YEAR” – IT’S TRUE. JACKSON RECEIVED 4 OSCAR NOMINATIONS IN A SIX YEAR PERIOD – AND WON TWICE, HER SECOND TIME AS THE BEST ACTRESS OF 1973 OVER MARSHA MASON, WHO WAS SIMON’S WIFE AT THE TIME.

AND AS GREAT AS EVERYONE IS IN THE FILM, MAGGIE SMITH WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO RECEIVED AN OSCAR NOMINATION – AND SHE WON FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS. SHE’S IN THE ACADEMY AWARD HISTORY BOOKS AS THE ONLY PERSON TO WIN AN OSCAR FOR PLAYING SOMEONE WHO LOSES AN OSCAR.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING ME TONIGHT. I’M KEN LEVINE, YOUR FRIDAY NIGHT SPOTLIGHT HOST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR NEIL SIMON. COMING UP NEXT, MORE MOVIES, WITHOUT INTERRUPTION. ENJOY.

'Cause you asked for it

A lot of you have asked me to post some of the scripts from my TCM stint hosting the Neil Simon Film Festival.  Here's the first one.   In all, I did seventeen of these.  As you can see, I try to include a lot into a very short time.  Hey, I can't get by on just smoldering looks to the camera.   This was from last week.  THE ODD COUPLE.  This script was written by TCM producer Anne Wilson and me.  Try saying it out loud without screwing up.  If you can you're better than I am.   NOTE: Thanks to an anonymous commenter who changed the text from all-caps to regular. 


 INTRO

Hi, I’m Ken Levine – a playwright, tv writer and director and i’m thrilled to be TCM’s “Friday Night Spotlight” host for January. this month, we’re saluting a Pulitzer prize and Tony winning playwright and a screenwriter I’ve always admired, Neil Simon – someone with an amazing work ethic and also a master at using humor to both enrich his characters and move his stories forward. trust me, that’s an art and no one can do it better.

On Broadway, Simon has been prolific but he’s also had great success in Hollywood, which we will showcase every Friday night this month.

We start with his work that’s probably had the greatest longevity, originating on broadway in 1965 but with countless stage, TV and film versions done over the years. it’s “THE ODD COUPLE,” our movie released in 1968, starring jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau – Matthau reprising his stage role.

Lemmon plays Felix Unger, a man despondent over splitting with his wife. with nowhere to go, he moves in with his best friend Oscar Madison – that’s Matthau. the two are polar opposites: Felix is a neat-nick, hypochondriac, TV newswriter. Oscar is a slob, a sportswriter with a “who gives a crap?” attitude. so the comedic possibilities are endless.

The idea for the story actually came from Neil Simon’s brother Danny – also a writer – who was, himself, divorced and rooming with a friend who just split from his wife. the two brothers agreed the situation was ripe for a comedy so Danny started writing. but after several false starts, he eventually told Neil to take the story and run with it – so he did – still giving Danny a percentage of the profits.

Neil had trouble writing the play as well. In out-of-town previews, the first two acts were hilarious but the last act just died. neither Simon nor the play’s director Mike Nichols could figure out how to make it work. It was a theatre critic in Boston who suggested the fix – that two characters who appeared early in the play, “THE PIGEON SISTERS,” be brought back to help tie the story up. That did the trick.

It was a huge hit and won four Tony awards, including one for Neil Simon. This film version -- with an Oscar nominated Neil Simon screenplay -- was also a smash. Here -- from 1968, “THE ODD COUPLE.”

OUTRO

As i mentioned before the film, Neil Simon did numerous rewrites for the play, but by comparison he felt the screenplay for this movie was one of the easiest he’d ever written. That’s because nearly all of the dialogue from the play went directly into the film.

I’ve seen the play and it is great, but I admit some sequences play better in the film because they could open things up on location. One example is that scene with Jack Lemmon clearing out his sinuses in the diner – it’s way funnier in a public place.

now, Lemmon and Matthau were both terrific in this movie and they are one of the great movie teams. and I know I may get in trouble for saying this – but to me, when I think of Oscar and Felix, I think of the two actors who played them in the 1970’s TV sit-com: Jack Klugman and Tony Randall.

Maybe it’s a generational thing – you know, like the different answers you get when asking someone “who is ‘the real’ James Bond?” (Sean Connery) but to me, Klugman And Randall are “the real” odd couple.

Stick around for another Neil Simon treat. up next from 1970 -- once again starring Jack Lemmon.

Friday Questions

Friday Questions but first a plug: I’ll be hosting four Neil Simon movies tonight on TCM. MURDER BY DEATH, THE CHEAP DETECTIVE, PLAZA SUITE, and CALIFORNIA SUITE. It starts at 8:00 on the East and 5:00 on the West. Come for the wraparounds. Stay for the laughs.   Thank goodness for DVR's.  I wonder how many people on the East Coast are going to see my outro for CALIFORNIA SUITE live at around 3:00 AM.

Now to the business at hand:

One More Question gets us started.

I was having a discussion with myself in my head last night about whether certain characters could only have worked, or become iconic, with the actors who in fact played them, due to one of those cosmic convergences where the character found its soulmate actor.

For example, I feel like Diane Chambers, the Crane brothers, Urkel, and Columbo could not have become iconic with any other actors in the role. I don't know if Archie Bunker, Ralph Kramden, and Fonzie (the later version, not the first season Fonzie) could have worked at all with any other actor.

Do you think there are characters that, no matter how well-written, can only work or become iconic with just that one soulmate actor who was born to play them? Or is there always another actor out there who can give that character that special quality that makes it work or break out?

This question has sparked a lot of debate in the comments section. My answer is yes and no (Fuck Yes or No).

There are certain characters, where the actor has so embodied the role that it’s almost unimaginable to picture anyone else in the part. Phil Silvers as Sgt. Bilko is one. Humphrey Bogart as anybody Humphrey Bogart played is another.

But for the most part, I think if a part is well-written then a multitude of actors can play it. This is especially true in the theater. For many people who grew up in the ‘60s, the ODD COUPLE is Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau, who starred in the movie. But for younger generations it’s Tony Randall and Jack Klugman.  And on Broadway originally it was Art Carney and Walter Matthau.  And at one point they switched roles. 

Now let’s take Diane Chambers. I have always contended that without Shelley Long playing her the series dies after thirteen weeks. She made a potentially unlikable character funny and adorable and real while still keeping Diane's infuriating qualities. That’s not just hard to do. It’s next to impossible.

But…

Now that the character is established and the Sam & Diane relationship is established, if there were say a theater production of some of the episodes I could see the character working with someone else. It might be different, and you might have to put Shelley out of your mind, but who knows? It could be an interesting alternate interpretation.  Not saying it would be better per se, but I'd be curious to see what someone else could do with the role. 

Henry Winkler turned a supporting character (the Fonz) into a breakout star. There is a HAPPY DAYS musical. Do you really think there’s no one else who can play Fonzie? How about anyone who’s ever been in GREASE?  That said, whoever plays him in the musical, no matter how capable, probably could not have made the character a breakout star the way Henry Winkler did. 

Carroll O’Connor WAS Archie Bunker – in America. Another actor played him first in Great Britain.

Who IS James Bond depends on which one you grew up with... although it's really Sean Connery. 

I must say that when I saw the English version of THE OFFICE I couldn’t imagine any other actor playing the Ricky Gervais part. But God bless him, Steve Carell pulled it off. So in my opinion, in most cases you can find other actors to play iconic roles. It’s bloggers you can never substitute.

Mark Solomon asks:

As great as the film is, I agree with your statement on the TCM broadcast that the TV series defines "The Odd Couple."  Do you have a favorite episode?

There were a lot of great ones. I think my favorite is the flashback when they were in the service stationed at Fort Ira Epstein.

There was a Blackout episode I recall that was also hilarious.

What are some of your favorites?

Here’s one from another Mark:

I see actors leave successful shows for miserable failure (MacLean Stevenson, Katherine Heigel to name a couple) and I wonder what the problem is.

Is it that they can't read scripts and see how they would end up? Do they have bad agents steering them to bad projects? Do they have so few offers they take what they can get? Do they not have an idea of how they want their career to develop? Do they just work with the wrong people all the time? Did they have minimal talent that only looked good in certain situations but couldn't hit a curve ball if their life depended on it?

Pathetically, I've wondered about this for years and hope you could shed some light on it.

You’d have to take each one on a case-by-case basis. First off, remember there have been actors who have bolted successful TV series and made it as big movie stars. Clint Eastwood, Goldie Hawn, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and James Garner to name a few. But clearly they are the exception to the rule.

In a number of cases, actors who are supporting players feel it’s worth leaving a hit series for the chance to star in a vehicle.  They're rolling the dice.  Unfortunately, some of these actors are second bananas for a reason.

And in other cases, actors are just given bad advice from their management teams. You read all the time about actors firing managers and agents and attorneys. Although in some instances, the actor is to be blamed. Agents will often inflate an actor’s status to win their favor – telling them they’re hotter or more popular or in more demand than they really are – and if the actor believes them it’s at his own peril.

Sometimes a TV actor will do a movie that becomes a big hit and think it's because of them.  This can be a costly misjudgement.  

One other factor, sometimes actors just get tired playing the same character over and over and need to move on. Again, it’s a personal choice.

Personally, I feel the odds are so staggering against an actor being cast as a regular in a huge hit series that if you are you should ride that gravy train as far as it will take you. But that’s me, a guy who can’t act his way out of a hard rain.

What’s your Friday Question? See you tonight on Turner Classic Movies.

The music "bumnpers" on CHEERS

That's what we call those little musical passages that transition scenes -- bumpers. 

On Elvis' birthday I thought I would do a music-related post.  Here’s one of those Friday Questions that became an entire post because I have a special guest to answer it.

Dan Ball asks:

When I watch CHEERS, I always wonder how music was handled? I know Craig Safan scored the whole series (along with some great scores for THE LAST STARFIGHTER and REMO WILLIAMS), but would he actually score each episode or record a bunch of cues at one recording session per season that the director/editor could whip out in the editing room? Was it actually the director and editor who chose those cues? You've probably had to sit in this music chair plenty times in the past, so what's your strategy for picking the best ear candy for us, the audience? Are you more/less demanding in your scoring tastes because of your background in radio?

I didn't select the music cues.  For the shows I ran I had our line producer handle that.  Nor was I involved in the music on CHEERS.   So I personally don’t know the answer to Dan's question, but I figured why not go to the source? Craig Safan was nice enough to provide the answer.

You’re both right! I would score around half of each season’s episodes specifically for individual episodes. Usually these were recorded in groups of three episodes per session as there were union minimums and only one episode’s worth of music wouldn’t fill up that minimum amount of the musicians’ time. But I didn’t score each and every episode… I also recorded a “library” of musical cues in the “Cheers” style at the beginning of each season. Then that library was used for the shows that weren’t individually scored. Of course any new music I’d write for shows during the season would get added to that library so it would become quite extensive and after so many seasons… well you get the idea. It wasn’t the director or producer or editor who would choose the library music cues… it was the music editor. That would be Chips Swanson who was the music editor during the entire run of “Cheers”.

Thank you so much, Craig. And just know I’d be happy to return the favor. If you ever want me to conduct a session for you sometime, just say the word. But seriously, how cool that actual artists give their time to contribute inside info to this blog?

F**k Yes or No

Read a great article by Mark Manson called “Fuck Yes or No.” He contends that relationships, dating, and mating dances need not be as complicated as they are. Basically you just eliminate all the grey areas and being in relationships where one partner is less enthused than the other. You say goodbye to all the intrigue and drama of trying to persuade someone to date you, sleep with you, marry you, buy your book about growing up in the ‘60s.

I’m distilling the article down to just a couple of paragraphs. But the gist is that if someone is not into you they never will be so move on. And if you’re not really into someone move on as well. So when you’re deciding about somebody your choices are “Fuck yes!” or “No.” Blow off all the game playing, arbitrary rules, etc.

The article, especially the way Mr. Manson details it, makes great sense. His arguments are logical, reasonable, and sound.  I wish I had read it while I was in college.  God, the years of therapy it would have saved me.

The only problem with "Fuck Yes or No" is for writers. On CHEERS we’d have no Sam & Diane if they followed this advice. If we couldn’t have mind fucking, power struggles, game playing, shifting attractions, illogical decisions, indecisions, hurt feelings, anger, embarrassment, misunderstandings, and aftershave jokes we’d have no show.

Same goes for all romantic comedies. Imagine Aaron Sorkin characters not over-thinking every molecule of their relationships. Or just watching Pam and Jim for a half hour each week answering phones and trying to drum up new business. If “Fuck Yes or No” was practiced on THE MINDY PROJECT there would just be thirty minutes of Mindy mugging (not to mention the problem this would cause ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY radio on Sirius/XM if they couldn’t speculate on her love life for six hours a day).

For us writers, messiness, conflict, damaged egos, lying, false expectations, and lovers making asses of themselves is the oxygen we breathe. In our world bad sex is good sex. For artistic purposes life is still High School. For Mr. Manson’s REAL world life is Costco.

What do you guys think?

My day as Robert Osborne

Yesterday, I talked about getting the amazing opportunity to host this month’s Friday Night Spotlight series on Neil Simon for TCM. Today I'll talk about the hard part – having to actually do it.

The plan was to fly into Atlanta on a Tuesday, tape the wraparounds for all seventeen movies on Wednesday, and then fly home on Thursday.  I was given a per diem, but in Confederate dollars. 

Since the Simon tribute is over five Friday nights I had to bring wardrobe changes. I didn’t want to be like Lori Greiner on SHARK TANK who, for all her millions, seems to have only two dresses. I assembled a suit, several sports jackets, lots of slacks, seven shirts, and eight ties. I boarded the plane with a giant garment bag and asked the flight attendant to please hang it for me. She said, “Are you going away for two weeks?” I said, “No, two days. I have trouble making decisions.”

Got to Atlanta and it was 20 degrees. Hot-lanta my ass.

The next day was driven out to the studio somewhere in the suburbs. I kept looking for Tara. Never found it. The first thing I noticed was that the craft-services table was way better stocked than most sitcoms.  Southern hospitality exists!

I took great pains to pack so there’d be a minimum of wrinkles. But much to my delight, they had a wardrobe person who had an iron and a steamer. This was way more first class than I’m used to. A makeup person was also provided, which was helpful because I’m terrible at applying my own makeup.

Was led out to the set, which was just a cool blue backdrop. There were two cameras and a crew of about twenty. I have no idea what ten of them were doing. But they all looked busy.

I had done on-camera work on baseball games, but I had never used a teleprompter. This is an acquired skill. The words scroll down and you have to read them but not look like you’re reading them. You have to seem conversational. And your eyes can’t dart back and forth.

I’ll never say anything bad about Ryan Seacrest again.

But my feeling was that as long as I could see it I was essentially just reading radio copy, and I’ve done that for years. The teleprompter is attached to the front of the camera so when you’re reading it you’re staring right into the lens and making direct eye contact with the viewer. Offstage, an operator adjusts the speed with which the text scrolls. Your first impulse is to speed up for fear that the sentence will be gone before you get to read it. But with a good operator (and this woman was fabulous), they adjust to your speed. So if you slow up, they slow up. It took me a few intros to really get comfortable with this process.   Still, I couldn't dawdle.   I had a ton of info packed into each intro and outro and a limited amount of time to deliver it. 

The director explained the plan. Camera one would start wide and slowly push in. At one point in the middle of my intro I was to shift my feet and turn to camera two, who would also start fairly wide. Okey dokey. Camera one was told to get into its first position. It backed way up. But remember, the teleprompter is on the front of the camera. Once it reached its starting position the teleprompter became the size of a postage stamp.

HOLY SHIT!

Thank goodness I had written the script. I was able to make out enough of the words to figure out what I was trying to say. But it was tricky. Especially at first. It’s not good form to be squinting. As the day went on I got better.

I was also very aware that all eyes were on me. Like I said, there were twenty crew members, and I know the drill. The more I screw up; the longer everyone has to stay. Fortunately, everybody was incredibly nice, supportive, and fun to be with. If I ever get another sitcom I want to steal half of them (even though I don’t know what some of them do).

Now everybody screws up. Actors go up on lines all the time. The director yells cut, they have to reset, re-slate, and do another take. Still, it’s a little embarrassing to screw up your own name in front of an entire crew.

But things ran pretty smoothly, thanks in large part to the crew. Every few wraparounds I would change outfits. (It doesn’t take that long, Lori. You really should do it.). And in about five hours we were done.

All in all, it was a spectacular experience. My sincere thanks to Anne Wilson and everyone at TCM for giving me this extraordinary opportunity. And best of all, I love that I can share these Neil Simon movies with everybody. His work has inspired and guided me throughout my career. I often re-read Neil Simon plays just to be reminded of how to do it right and what to strive for. That I’m the one who gets to introduce these movies to an audience of longtime fans who relish them, and hopefully a large number of younger viewers who are being exposed to his brilliance for the first time is a true blessing. I hope you’ll join me this Friday and every Friday this month. And again, I can say that because I didn’t look fat.

How I got to be a TCM host

Now that my TCM intros have begun airing, thought I’d share with you the process. A few quick points:

At least I didn’t look fat.

Yes, that’s my real hair color. I’ve never dyed my hair. No. Really.

Oops. They misspelled FRASIER, but that will be corrected for this Friday.

I think my best work Friday night was the outro to COME BLOW YOUR HORN, which aired at 2:00 AM in the East. Next week I hope to do my best work earlier.

So how did this come about? I had written a tribute piece to Neil Simon last May. He truly is one of my idols, and if you’re a young comedy writer you NEED to read and learn from his work. I guess some folks at TCM are fans of this blog because when they were looking for someone to host the film festival someone over there thought of me. Having been a screenwriter and playwright myself helped I’m sure, as did the fact that I called baseball games on TV and have been on camera (don’t tell anybody that it’s been quite a few years though). In any event, when they approached me I was thrilled and honored. This was probably early fall.

Do I actually know Neil Simon? Yes, and mostly no. I was at the 20th Century Fox commissary one day having lunch with Larry Gelbart and he walked in. He joined us for about ten minutes. But we really connected during those ten minutes. Or was it five? And then about ten/twelve years ago we both worked out at the same gym and I would see him every week. (I’ll pause while you do your jokes about writers going to a gym.) He was casting a play, I recommended one of the actors from ALMOST PERFECT, Matthew Letscher. He ended up going with Matt and was thrilled with the result (natch). So Neil was very grateful and we would chat from time to time.

I wonder if Neil watched any of the Friday Night Spotlight last Friday, saw me, and said, “Hey, that’s the schmuck from the gym!”  A guy can dream. 

TCM began assembling the films. They asked if I had any favorites I wanted included and I did. THE HEARTBREAK KID (original version -- the new version sucks). It wasn’t originally on their schedule but they procured it. Once the line-up was finalized they sent me DVD’s of all seventeen selected films. So I had my own Neil Simon festival in September.  (You should've stopped by.)  I reread his memoirs and tracked down facts about the various movies. I was also encouraged to offer personal reflections and anecdotes.

I then worked with a terrific TCM producer, Anne Wilson, and together we wrote the scripts for the intros and outros.

I tried to fill them with interesting facts, stories you might not have heard, a look into the creative process, an opinion or two, and you know me – some cheap laughs.

I was doing all of this while my play A OR B? was in rehearsals and previews at the Falcon Theatre so I was crafting the TCM wraparounds while rewriting the play each night. Oh, and writing the blog. It was a busy time. My Tetris scores suffered terribly.

The play’s run ended mid November and two days later I was on a plane to Atlanta to tape them.

TOMORROW: The actual taping.

Travel Tips for winter

Traveling is a nightmare anyway, but during the winter it gets even worse. But fear not, blog faithful. Here are some suggestions for winter air travel:

Check the weather forecast. If it’s not 72 degrees and clear EVERYWHERE in the United States, reschedule.

Do not call the airline for a weather update. You’ll learn it’s cool and overcast in New Delhi.

Allow two hours before the flight, ten hours for the tarmac, two hours for the unscheduled fuel stop, and two hours to retrieve your luggage. And if you’re flying from LA to San Francisco, 45 minutes for the flight itself.

If you print your ticket on one of those self-help stations realize that the chances of it working are the same as five cherries coming up on a slot machine.

Best to print your ticket at home the night before along with the flight schedules of every other airline going to your destination, airport shuttle schedules, Amtrak schedules, and the 1-800 numbers for Ramada, Holiday Inn, Hilton, Marriott, Quality Inn, Best Western, and the YMCA.

Never turn in your rental car until it’s the final boarding call on your flight.

Never fly to, from, or around Chicago.

Always use skycaps. And if you choose to ever see your luggage again, tip.

Remember: “the white zones are for assholes in SUV’s only”.

You are allowed several little three-ounce bottles of something but not one three-and-a-half-ounce bottle of the same thing.

You might want to put that Astroglide into a nondescript little bottle.

Don't book connecting flights in the winter, even in Hawaii.

Don't buy furniture off the Sky Mall.

Don’t have children if you plan on flying anytime in the next fifteen years. Even if it’s one trip.

If they announce they’re overbooked and are looking for volunteers to take a later plane for free trips take it. The flight is going to be cancelled anyway. And you’ll have a jump at getting reservations at the airport Hilton.

Have your laptop, ipod, cellphone, iphone, Gameboy, Blackberry, camcorder, transistor radio, electric razor, hand held fan, and pacemaker fully charged. Ten hours on the tarmac is a long time.

Upgrade.

Before you get on the flight take Airbourne, water, Xanex, Oscillococcinum, Clariton, Ambien, and tequila.

Fake a limp so you can pre-board and guarantee there will be room in the overhead compartments for your stuff.

Bring your own DVD’s, music selection, food, blankets, pillows, reading light, water, magazines, newspapers, coffee, toilet paper. And just to be on the safe side, your own oxygen masks and floatation devices.

But it’s not a good time to catch up on the first season of LOST.

Play the drinking game. Take a swig every time you hear “we apologize for the inconvenience”. Not recommended for those unwilling to get completely shitfaced.

Drinking game #2: “We thank you for your patience.”

Don’t kid yourself. EVERYONE is flying “stand by”.

The scary part used to be the landing. Now it’s pushing off from the gate.

Beware of free WIFI hotspots in airport terminals. Hackers use these to break into your computer. Not a joke.

It’s quieter and smoother in the front of the plane. And screw what they say, if you’re in Coach and you want to use the bathroom go to the ones in First Class.

And finally, always remember: it’s NEVER the airlines' fault. It’s the weather, air traffic controllers, mechanical problems, baggage handler strike, FAA rules, homeland security, airport restrictions, lawmakers, the billy goat curse, lunar eclipses, and most of all -- the media.

This is a re-post from six years ago.  Unfortunately, nothing's changed.

Product Placement '50s style

Product placement is hardly new. Back in the '50s sponsors were incorporating their products into shows on a regular basis. Here's an example from MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY starring Danny Thomas. Notice how artfully they work in the commercial. If you weren't paying strict attention, why, you'd never even know.

Friday Questions

Well, tonight’s the night. I debut on TCM this evening hosting the Neil Simon film festival. 8 PM in the east, 5 PM in the west. THE ODD COUPLE, THE OUT OF TOWNERS, and COME BLOW YOUR HORN tonight. I haven’t seen any of my intros so I can only hope I don’t come off like Ralph Kramden selling “Chef of the Future” kitchen widgets on TV.

In the meantime, how about some Friday Questions?

Becky has a pair – a twofer on the 2nd.

I've heard that acting drunk is a difficult skill to master. Some of the best I've seen are Jenna Fischer on The Office and Dick Van Dyke. Who are your fave boozers a la screen?

It is hard because most actors make the mistake of playing fall down drunk – staggering around, slurring their words, etc. There used to be a comedian named Foster Brooks whose entire act was doing this. He was very funny but it was the ‘60s when there was much less sensitivity to those who had alcohol-related issues.

The key to playing funny drunk is having the character play against it. They’re trying to appear that they’re not intoxicated and telltale signs only leak out.

The actors you mentioned would be high on my list too along with Shelley Long. David Isaacs and I wrote a first season episode of CHEERS called “Truce or Consequences” where Carla gets Diane sloshed. Shelley played it so Diane never lost her dignity despite being in an unfamiliar inebriated state. It’s one of my favorite episodes and it’s all because of Shelley.

I just started a writing job (in a very different field than TV/ Movies) and am terrified every day that I'm a fraud. Did you ever feel this way and if so, how did you fake (and ultimately develop) your writing confidence? My sponsor says vodka is not an option.

Becky, here’s the dirty little secret – ALL writers are terrified that they’re frauds. And worse, they’ll be exposed for the frauds they are. So you’re in good company. You just have to suppress it.

Experience helps a lot. Knowing how to deal with certain writing problems because you’ve encountered them before instills a confidence that you can overcome hurdles.

Positive feedback is also very helpful. It’s comforting to know you’re on the right track.

But at the end of the day it’s the struggle between believing in yourself vs. your insecurity. And you just have to fight through it.

The good news is that most of us are not frauds.

Scott asks:

Is it okay for a writer to recycle his own ideas, even if they were already used on another series or film? Is there an ethical problem with it? For example, a friend has a 16mm print of a 1960s series titled HEY LANDLORD. The episode in question, written by Garry Marshall and Jerry Belson, was recycled over a decade later on LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY, even to the point of carrying over a lot of the dialogue. If it's your script (and in this case I believe it was Marshall and Belson's series), is there a problem with reusing parts of it elsewhere, even if you're just reusing a few of the jokes?

As long as the writer is recycling his OWN material I see no problem with it. Especially if the material was first used in a project that is now no longer distributed. I’ve heard Broadway composers talk about reusing songs they wrote for shows that died quick deaths. But again, the key is that you are the author.

You mentioned Jerry Belson. He was one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life. He and partner Garry also created the TV version of THE ODD COUPLE. On CHEERS, Jerry came in once a week to help us punch up scripts. He’d usually contribute one or two of the best jokes of the show.

A couple of times though, he pitched a joke, and when the Charles Brothers didn’t put it in Jerry would say, “Hey, it got a big laugh on THE ODD COUPLE.” We all would say, “Jerry, why would you pitch a joke from another show?” to which he would answer with a twinkle, “What’s gone before is good too.”

Also on CHEERS – there were times when good jokes were cut for time and we’d put them in later scripts. The cast would say, “Hey, didn’t we do this joke?” We had to remind them that it never aired.

I have to admit, I’m currently writing a play and I included a joke I first wrote for an episode of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW in 1976. If MeTV ever starts airing THE TONY RANDALL SHOW I’m fucked.

And finally, from Tim Rifenburg:

In an episode of Cheers they had Robert Urich as a guest star when Woody was trying to be an actor. Since they kept mentioning Spenser For Hire and Urich's role in it, I was wondering if there was any push back from the Network. I know they aired it but I was wondering if there was any concern about promoting another network's show. It made sense from a story point since Spenser did some filming and pick ups in and around the Boston area.

There was a time when you were never allowed to mention a show from another network. Same with products. You could never identify a competitive product. It always had to be “Brand X.”

I think the lines got blurred because of late night talk shows. Johnny Carson would talk about NBC and eventually their competition. Guests who were in series on one network would go on competing networks to plug their movies.

And when networks wanted to show sports highlights they had to credit the network that aired the event originally.  So you heard "CBS" on NBC and vice versa. 

Eventually all networks relaxed the restriction. Yes, we sort of plugged an ABC show but somewhere down the line an ABC show plugged an NBC series.

Audiences also got more savvy. It’s like, who are they kidding with Brand X? Or that a show is on “another” network. We all know what that network is. Why not just say it?

What’s your question? Hope you’ll join me tonight on… that certain cable network that shows movies uncut and commercial free.

My New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year!

Here are my New Year’s resolutions:

Host movies on TCM. 

Finally watch THE WIRE.

Get ALMOST PERFECT on Netflix or Hulu.

Go to the gym at least twice a week. (My gym is usually packed in January and by March it’s me and two other guys.)

Stay off the 405 freeway when it’s crowded (so only take it between 2-4 AM).

Visit my friend in Walla Walla.

Get more productions of A OR B?

Meet Claire Danes.

Learn to do an accent in my improv class.

Direct more episodes that my daughter and her partner write.

See a Broadway show I wish I had written.

Go somewhere in the world I've never been.

Recover from the jet lag.

Watch and listen to as much Vin Scully as I possibly can.

Finish writing my new play.

Learn what half the features on my car are.

Not piss off the North Koreans.

Continue to support the WGA’s Foundation.

Give DOWNTON ABBEY one final chance.

Champion strict gun control.

Get a humor piece in the NEW YORKER.

Get a cartoon in the NEW YORKER.

Avoid the incredibly tasty fried chicken wings at the Hamburger Hamlet (now that it has reopened).

Keep Tetris playing down to three hours a day.

Answer more Friday Questions (which I'll be able to do if I keep the previous resolution).

Clean my desk (a perennial resolution but this year for sure!)

And finally, solve the Natalie Wood case.

Let's see how many I keep.  What are your resolutions?

May 2015 be for you what 2014 was for...

Jimmy Fallon, Matthew McConaughey, Stephen Colbert, Corey Kluber, Cory Schneider, FARGO, Daft Punk, WALKING DEAD, Jason Robert Brown, the San Francisco Giants, ALL THE WAY, Iggy Azalea, Mike Trout, Lorde, 12 YEARS A SLAVE, Neil Patrick Harris, Lorenzo Cain, Cate Blanchett, Kevin Durant, Louis C.K., Aaron Paul, Sidney Crosby, Caleb Johnson, Jared Leto, FROZEN, Luke Kuechly, Gail Mancuso, Clayton Kershaw (until October), Madison Bumgarner (in October), Julianna Margulies, Jessie Mueller, The San Antonio Spurs, the Duggars, Lena Hall, Chris Pratt, Greg Popovich, Red States, Lupita Nyong’o, Sophie Okonedo, Idina Menzel, UConn Huskies, Kacey Musgraves, Jose Abreu, Ansel Elgort, A GENTLEMAN’S GUIDE TO LOVE AND MURDER, Goren Dragic, Sarah Silverman, Sam Smith, Giancarlo Stanton, BREAKING BAD, the Los Angeles Kings, Tina Fey (it’s always Tina Fey), Michael Carter-Willams, Mark Rylance, Meghan Trainor, Craig Wayne Boyd, Peyton Manning, MODERN FAMILY, Julia Louise Dreyfus, Alfonso Ribeiro & Witney Carson, Jacob deGrom, Benedict Cumberbatch, Jamal Crawford, Audra MacDonald, the Florida State Seminoles, Transformers, the Seattle Seahawks, Anna Gunn, Vince Gilligan, FKA twigs, HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH, Bryan Cranston (it’s always Bryan Cranston), James Monroe Iglehart, the Kansas City Royals, and me for having blog readers like you.

Happy New Year!

INTO THE WOODS -- My review

This is a rave review for a movie that a lot of people didn’t like. It’s based on a musical I loved that a lot of people didn’t like. The music was composed by a genius who leaves a lot of people cold. Such is the magic and mixed reviews of INTO THE WOODS.

Here are the two biggest complaints I hear: 1) It’s too long. 2)  It's too short.  (They cut stuff out.)

Several songs from the musical were absent from the movie (notably the reprise of “Agony”) but a Broadway production can last 2 ½ hours or more. And there’s an intermission. Gone are the days that a motion picture features an intermission. (Gone with the wind) So trims had to be made. Composer Stephen Sondheim wrote an original song for the movie and even that got tossed. There goes the Oscar.

The length issue usually stems from the second act suddenly turning very dark. If you’re not on board with that creative choice you’re in for a squirmy forty minutes.

SIDEBAR: In the musical, act one ends with everyone seemingly living happily ever after. Act two spins all that on its ear. When the musical was first tried out in San Diego, people thought the end of the first act was the end of the show. Sondheim himself had to go out to the parking lot every night and tell people to come back, there was more.

Sondheim’s music is intricate and I have to say that for me, personally, there are times when I’m awestruck by his work and other times I want to yell at the stage or screen “Stop trying to be so fucking cute and clever!” And then a song like “No One Is Alone” comes along and he tears my heart out.

In the case of the movie version of INTO THE WOODS, none of the basic complaints bothered me. I knew the story going in, I knew most of the songs going in, so those weren’t concerns.

But I had my own trepidations before seeing the film. I always hate that studios insist movie stars be cast in musicals, even if they’re not as good or as right as the Broadway cast. Clint Eastwood in PAINT YOUR WAGON for godsakes! Russell Crowe in LES MIS? And I saw that Meryl Streep was playing the witch. Of course she was. Hollywood thinks Meryl Streep can just do anything. Who cares if she can sing? But you know what? She can sing. Beautifully. And she found just the right tone of humor and heartbreak. She made every moment work. Damn her. She CAN do anything.

The rest of the cast was equally sparkling. Emily Blunt – wow. Anna Kendrick – give me her over Anne Hathaway. James Corden – what the hell is he doing giving up a movie career that’s about to take off to do a late night talk show on CBS? Chris Pine – a pleasant musical comedy surprise. Tracey Ullman – another one who can do anything. The only sour note for me was Johnny Depp. What happened to that guy? He used to be a great actor. Now he’s become a cartoon. At least Christopher Walken waited until he was old to become a caricature.

The other concern I always have going into film adaptations of musicals is how weird it sounds when people on screen just break into song. On the stage there is a certain theatricality that allows you to buy it, but the harsh reality of being in the real world in movies often turns the film into COP ROCK. The badass Sharks and Jets singing show tunes and pirouetting in WEST SIDE STORY looked ridiculous.

But since INTO THE WOODS is set in a fantasy world, the singing felt organic. I bought it. And the fact that I love the songs themselves also helped I’m sure.

I find the storyline brilliant. There is so much underneath the clever narrative about parenting and relationships and abandonment. Witches can be right. Giants can be good.

Rob Marshall, who did an amazing job of adapting CHICAGO for the screen, was the perfect director for this project. And James Lapine, who wrote the libretto did the screenplay. What a concept – letting the writer who understands the material the best write the movie.

So I loved the film.  And I recommend it... to people predisposed to love it too. 

And more proof that life is real and not a fairy tale: This is a Disney movie and they had some issues with certain story points and songs. Even the great Stephen Sondheim got studio notes.

TOP FIVE -- my review

Everyone is saying that Chris Rock’s new movie TOP FIVE is his ANNIE HALL. It’s actually his ANNIE HALL meets STARDUST MEMORIES. A grown up romantic comedy with incisive observations, lots of laughs, and a lead character whose central problem is that he’s a comic who wants to be taken seriously. Not the most universal dilemma. I’m sure if someone else (who wasn’t a bankable movie actor and studio favorite) wrote this it would remain forever on the BLACK LIST pile of great unproduced screenplays.

TOP FIVE not a perfect movie. It’s a little long and at times repetitious. But on the whole it’s a huge step forward for Rock as an artist, writer, and director.

But here’s why it’s number one in my TOP FIVE comedies of the year – the laughs come from CHARACTER. They come out of ATTITUDE. They’re grounded in REALITY. What a pleasure after all the R-Rated stupid, implausible, loud, forced, immature, schticky unfunny yuckfests that Hollywood currently pawns off as comedies. How refreshing that the protagonist isn’t some slothy man-child acting like he’s 13 stuck in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. “Duuuuuude!”

Why is Hollywood so afraid to make these kinds of smart adult comedies anymore? I know they’re slavishly pandering to teenagers but do they really think that little of them that they can only laugh at Seth Rogen vomiting on himself? Do they think Millineals will flee the theater en masse if there is a scene of two adults walking down the street just talking?

Chris Rock is very funny in this movie… when he wants to be. But there are times he doesn’t. And those moments work too. In fact, some of them work better. And he’s surrounded himself with a great supporting cast. Cedric the Entertainer KILLS. Kevin Hart rocks. Jerry Seinfeld is hilarious. Tracy Morgan delivers. Adam Sandler is even funny for the first time in ten years. And DMX steals the picture.

The only weak link for me was Rosario Dawson as his love interest. Again, personal taste, but I just don’t get it.

TOP FIVE is very satiric. It skewers Hollywood film-making, reality television, and our pop culture society. But it also speaks to relationships, battling personal demons, and finding meaning in your life and work. The existential issue isn't the fraternity next door is too loud. 

Warning: the language is a little blue. Yes, the movie is sort of like ANNIE HALL if Jews said “motherfucker” every five words.

Critics are absolutely ga-ga over TOP FIVE, which is fine except they might create unrealistic expectations. No, it is not a masterpiece. But in today’s landscape, a comedy that is genuinely funny even SOME of the time is considered one.

Go see TOP FIVE.  Even the North Koreans agree it's better than THE INTERVIEW.

Tomorrow:  Another movie review.  Hey, they're all coming out at the same time.

Neil Simon (and me) on TCM

Here's the info from the TCM website on the Neil Simon Film Festival that begins this Friday.  Just click here.   There will be 17 Neil Simon movies shown the month of January, hosted by your intrepid blogger/Simon fanboy.   Join me for the laughs and factoids.

Trailer moments

When you go in and pitch a comedy idea to a movie studio, they’ll usually ask you, “What are the trailer moments?” Sometimes they’ll ask this in lieu of, “What is the story?” But studio comedies are all about boxoffice. High-concept ideas, bankable stars, sequels, franchises.

Some studio people will tell you (but deny it) that sometimes the trailer is more important than the film.

Nancy Meyers makes trailers and then just pads the remaining 89 minutes with filler.

My writing partner and I were once hired to write some jokes expressly to be inserted into a trailer. It was maybe the greatest and shortest gig we ever had. We asked, if the jokes work, will you put them in the movie itself?  No.

When you watch comedy trailers, be aware – these are the funniest moments in the film. These are the big pratfalls (trailer makers LOVE pratfalls), the best zingers, and what they hope will be the most memorable moments. Or, in the case of Nancy Meyers, the only moments.

So if the trailer isn’t funny, if the jokes are forced, if the physical stunts are lame, if the best they could do was a gag about shit on Katherine Heigl’s face, then you can bet the movie will be what’s on Katherine Heigl’s face.

But what if the trailer is funny? Knowing that these are the best jokes, you may wonder if it’s still worth seeing because you know all the highlights? Here’s the amazing thing. The laughs in the trailer get the biggest laughs in the theater, even though most of the audience has been exposed to the jokes already. It's bizarre. 

However, the same does not hold true for giving away plot twists in the trailer. Spoiler alerts might not apply for jokes but they sure do for stories. And as a general rule, if you can set up the premise easily and clearly in a trailer, then you don’t need thirty minutes of screen time to do the same thing.

Trailers today have become an art… and a science. The amount of creativity and research that goes into previews is staggering. I can’t imagine J.D. Salinger ever went to his editor with a new book he intended to write and heard the editor say, “What are five good blurbs?” But that’s the current feature world. So when you pitch your comedy, make sure someone gets hit in the nuts, at least two people are humiliated, people dance to a 60s hit, the punchline to a joke is “vagina”, and you feature Betty White. Close your sale, and then go write STALAG 17.

This is a repost while I celebrate the holidays.