Click bait

Is the purpose of a late night talk to get ratings or merely to serve as click bait? Is the real objective now the number of online viewings for various segments? Get enough eyeballs and you can sponsor the clips.

Les Moonves of CBS, at a recent session at the Bank of America Merrill Lynch Media, Communications & Entertainment Conference, called online clip viewing a “great secondary source of revenue.”

He also acknowledged that Letterman wasn’t into that. I’m guessing that’s one of the reasons Dave was pushed out the door. (And I’m sorry, no matter what he or anyone publicly says, I believe Dave was “asked” to leave for a younger host.) In discussing Colbert’s appeal versus Letterman's, Moonves said: “It’s a younger demographic and a hipper demographic. So Colbert could be a significant profit center.”

Profit center, source of income. Yeah, Dave, don't let the door hit you on the way out. 

I have no problem with late night clips being available online. I watch them too. But I worry, will the programming of these late night shows change in order to maximize click bait? There used to be a flow to these nocturnal programs, there used to be a rhythm. I suspect one reason Dave was less excited about carving up his segments for online bite-sized viewing was that he often had running jokes through his show. Those callbacks would mean nothing if taken out of context.

Continuity used to be a big part of these shows. “Remember last night when we…?” Well, continuity is gone when viewers can watch clips from any day.

Now segments need to be flashy. Now each one needs a hook. NBC getting Fallon was a brilliant stroke if click bait is the goal. Playing games with celebrities, singing with them, karaoke – perfect programming for attracting online viewers.

Will Stephen and the other Jimmy be pushed to do more of that themselves? Will monologues give way because they don’t draw as many clicks? Will guests be selected based on their internet popularity? Will late night shows become the networks’ version of Monty Python’s “Now For Something Completely Different?”

My fear is that a little of the spontaneity and unpredictable nature of late night talk shows will give way to pre-packaged bits and promotable segments. I worry that the producers will forget that first and foremost they’re making a TELEVISION show. There are times I almost yell at the screen, “Hey, instead of programming for people who aren’t watching, how about programming for the people like me who ARE?” It’s kind of disconcerting to realize then networks don’t want me even when I am watching.

And warning: The major broadcast networks have a big edge on the late night audience because they deliver the most affiliates and are the big guns. But if click bait is the goal then it’s a level playing field. Conan on TBS can out click you. Or anyone who comes along on any network.  Roseanne are you listening?  Come back! 

Happy Birthday to my hero

If you’ll indulge me, I’m going to devote today’s post to wishing my father, Cliff the happiest of birthdays. Since he’s not on Facebook he won’t receive the flood of birthday greetings that everyone receives so he’ll have to make do celebrating old school – reading a blog post.

Dad turns 88 today. Happy to say he’s as sharp and feisty as ever. He lives in a retirement community and tells the women residents he’s a pornography director looking for new talent. He’ll excuse himself from breakfast saying he has to speak at the UN later. He’ll challenge residents in walkers to a race.

Gee, where do I get my sense of humor?

He once started a whipped cream fight at the dinner table when I was a kid. As a teenager, he took me to see Jack Benny, Bob Newhart, and Danny Thomas perform in Las Vegas. He introduced me to Laurel & Hardy, Jackie Gleason & Art Carney, Bilko, Looney Tunes, and the Three Stooges. He told me there was this new TV show he thought I’d like. It was THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.

He worked as a radio executive for many years, first as the sales manager of KABC in Los Angeles and eventually the General Manager of 50,000 watt WLS in Chicago. John Records Landecker, on his last show a few weeks ago acknowledged my father.

But more than that, my dad is my hero. For all his many accomplishments, I am proudest of how highly regarded he is by all who have worked with him and all who know him. He treats everyone with respect and conducts business with grace and integrity. Could a kid have a better role model?

So Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you. And I think a whipped cream fight in the main dining room is long overdue. Just sayin’.

The 20th Century lot... back in the 20th Century

One of the many perks of writing MASH in the late ‘70s was going to work every day at the 20th Century Fox lot. At that time it was Disneyland for TV geeks.

We worked in the Old Writers Building, which was a Swiss chalet. I was told our office was once F. Scott’s Fitzgerald’s. There were some empty gin bottles behind the couch so that's probably true.

We parked in the western town used in BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID. We drove onto the lot past the New York street from HELLO DOLLY. Near the commissary was the famous gazebo from TV’s PEYTON PLACE (okay, you have to be a certain age to give a shit about that one.).

There was still a foot bridge over Olympic Blvd. and a backlot. David and I would walk through the backlot on the way to lunch at Century City. There we’d see STAR WARS sets just collecting dust.

We used to watch dailies in a screening room that was behind the facade for the Gotham police department from the TV BATMAN.

Mel Brooks made his movies at 20th which usually meant extras walking around in Nazi uniforms.

CHARLIE’S ANGELS was filmed on the lot and you’d bump into one of those girls at least once a week. Even more if you hung around their trailers.

For some reason Evil Knieval, the daredevil who would try to ride motorcycles over the Grand Canyon and spent most of his life in hospitals, had a production deal and was always around.

But the best other show that filmed on the lot was THE LOVE BOAT. First off, there were always gorgeous 6’ 9’’ showgirls wandering all over the lot. But that was nothing.

Every sitcom star and second banana from that era and prior eras guested on THE LOVE BOAT. And we would see them all the time at the commissary. It was liking going to the world’s greatest nostalgia show every day except the celebrities still looked recognizable and you weren’t charged $20 to get in.

Among the “stars” I got to see up close and personal were: Carol Channing (Hello Dolly), Connie Stevens (Hello Cricket), Erin Moran (Hello Joanie), Charo (although I saw her just two weeks ago on the Paramount lot), Arte Johnson, Ethel Merman, Dick Van Patton, Ted Knight, Betty White (she’s been in everything), Nancy Kulp, Florence Henderson & Robert Reed (Tom isn't the only Brady), Alexis Smith, Don Adams, Elaine Joyce (pre J.D. Salinger and Neil Simon), Phyllis Diller, Lyle Waggoner, Cesar Romero, and if you can believe it – Jimmy Osmond. And that’s just scratching the guest star surface. For me it was awesome – my childhood flashing before my eyes, all these icons of my youth eating Chinese chicken salads.

And then there are the ghosts of years gone by that you know walked the same streets, although when I saw Ethel Merman I wasn’t sure if she was real or one of those ghosts.

Being on a major Hollywood studio lot was a real privilege in those days. Today, to save money, lots of shows are filmed in rented warehouses in Valencia or the City of Industry. Gone is the mystique when you have to drive halfway to Bakersfield to get to your soundstage.

Hollywood really was a magic town at one time. But that was when filmmakers and showmen were in charge, not CEO’s and mega-conglomerates. There won’t be many ghosts in Valencia (especially in the summer when it get sooooo damn hot).

My favorite scripts

Here’s one of those Friday Questions that became an entire post. Once I start writing about myself things naturally just get lengthy.

David (not Isaacs) asks:

What do you feel is the best stuff you've ever written or been apart of? Produced or otherwise. What are you proudest of? What would you consider to be the essential viewing for a fan of Ken Levine & David Isaacs?

Were someone to stage a Levine & Isaacs film festival (like that’s ever going to happen), here are the episodes I would have them show (in no particular order or ranking):

MASH – “Point of View” – An entire episode shown through the eyes of a patient. Clearly our most unique work. But I can’t mention it without acknowledging the extraordinary job that director Charles Dubin did. We visualized it; he realized it. Nominated for several Emmys. Sorry we didn’t win but still furious that Charles didn’t win.

MASH – “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” – Our first MASH and the script that really launched our career. The speech that Hawkeye delivers explaining what it’s like to be blind was word-for-word from our first draft. It’s the best single speech we’ve ever written.

MASH – “Goodbye Radar, Part 2” – Our swan song was Radar’s as well. I think what made this episode so powerful was that we didn’t give anybody a big speech. The tag still chokes me up. Nominated for an Emmy.

THE TONY RANDALL SHOW – “The People Speak” – Most of you are saying “What’s the Tony Randall Show?” This was an MTM series produced by the same people who did THE BOB NEWHART SHOW. Tony Randall played a judge. In this episode he runs for superior court justice and loses to a dead man. There are some big laughs in it.

CHEERS – “Boys in the Bar” – From season one. Sam defends his old roommate who came out of the closet and the regulars worry that the bar will go gay. Sensitive subject matter for 1982 but it came out great. We received the WGA and GLAAD award and were nominated for an Emmy.

CHEERS – “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before” – Frasier’s bachelor party. What I love so much about this episode is that we broke from tradition and wrote it without any outline. Strictly free form. We wanted to create the feel of a real bar experience where conversations were varied and fragmented. The only “story” we had going in was that Frasier would question whether he wanted to go through with the wedding and decides by the end that he does. Wasn’t nominated for anything.

CHEERS – “The Big Kiss-Off” – There’s nothing socially redeeming about this one at all. It was just really funny. Sam and Woody make a bet to see who can kiss Rebecca first.  Just silly fun.  Not even considered for a Peabody. 

CHEERS – “Rat Girl” – Lilith keeps a dead rat in her purse. We won the WGA award for this one, beating out a SEINFELD episode. Every time I see Larry David to this day he grouses about it.

CHEERS – “Death Takes a Holiday on Ice” – Eddie LeBec is killed by a Zamboni machine and Carla learns her late husband was a bigamist. Nominated for an Emmy (and told by members of the blue ribbon committee that we had won, but we didn’t).

FRASIER – “The Show Where Lilith Comes Back” – First season, first appearance by Lilith. Lost another Emmy but in this case we were just happy to be nominated. The FRASIER pilot won, as it should have.

FRASIER – “Adventures in Paradise Part 2” – Might be our single funniest episode ever. Frasier faking an orgasm still kills me.

FRASIER – “Room Service” – Niles sleeps with Lilith. As a comedy writer you dream that just once you write a script that comes out this well.

ALMOST PERFECT – “Pilot” – Written by me, David, and Robin Schiff. I still think it’s a helluva pilot.

BIG WAVE DAVE’S – “Pilot” – We have never written any half hour before or since that got a ten-minute laugh spread.

BIG WAVE DAVE’S – “Him” – Aired once and never seen again (although it’s up on YouTube). The lead character experiences what it’s like to go through childbirth by trying to catch a marlin. How often do you see that storyline on a series?

THE SIMPSONS – “Dancin’ Homer” – Our first foray into animation. I also got to do a voice and create a character (the Capitol City Goofball – I still have my original drawing of it somewhere). This is probably the only credit many of my younger readers know.

Okay, there’s 8 fun-filled hours. If you have other favorites I’d love to hear ‘em and why. Thanks. As for producing, I have no favorites. Just thrilled that I was associated with so many great series.

Happy binging.

Jewish New Year Jingle

In honor of the Jewish New Year, here is an actual radio jingle KMPC Los Angeles had made for the occasion.  These are the Anita Kerr Singers.  I'm sure they got a lot of play out of it.

More great unsold pilots

Here are more great unsold pilots. Yesterday I also had a bunch.   From the unsold pilot book by Lee Goldberg.  You can find it here.  Remember, these are all for real.

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER    ABC-1964 -- Two aliens from Venus come to earth, meet an inventor, and go into business with him selling to unknowing earthlings products created for another planet.

13 THIRTEENTH AVENUE    CBS-1983 – Similar to one of yesterday’s entries, this one features a widower and his son who move into a Greenwich Village apartment building inhabited by a model who’s a witch, a C.P.A. who’s a werewolf, a lawyer who’s a vampire, a superintendent who’s a troll, and their psychiatrist.

WHERE’S EVERETT?    CBS-1966 -- Alan Alda (of all people) as a young father who goes to get the morning paper and finds that aliens have left an invisible baby on his doorstep. (Oooh, if only I knew about this when I worked with him on MASH…)

YAZOO   NBC-1984 -- William Conrad (the Fat Man from Jake &) is a widowed journalist who goes fishing one day, falls asleep in the boat, and wakes up in a magical world called Yazoo, populated by the Peppercorn Puppets. (I can't believe this one didn't go.) 

AFTER GEORGE   CBS-1983 – Susan Saint James as a widow who discovers her late husband programmed his personality into the computer that operates their house. (MY HUSBAND THE HARD DRIVE)

JUSTIN CASE   ABC-1988 – One of the 12,000 ghost pilots but this one featured the great George Carlin as a ghost private eye.

WHO GOES THERE?   CBS-1965 – Two troublesome ghosts haunting a southern California tract house materialize as General Custer and Indian Chief Running Dog.  (Tract house or crack house?)

IT'S A DOG'S LIFE  NBC-1979 – From the people who brought you ALL IN THE FAMILY comes this tale (tail?) of actors dressed as dogs. (Long before WILFRED)

K-9000   Fox-1989 – A loose cannon on the LAPD has a microchip implanted in his brain by a hot woman scientist allowing him to talk telepathically with his new partner, a genetically-enhanced German shepherd.

POOCHINSKI   NBC-1990 – Dog pilots were also big.  Stanley Poochinski is a tough, ill-mannered cop who has been gunned down in the line of duty and reincarnated as a talking, flatulent English bulldog.

THE ELIZABETH McQUEENY STORY  NBC-1959 – Bette Davis as the leader of an all-female dance troupe that travels through the Old West.

MURDER IN MUSIC CITY  NBC-1979 – I saved the best for last.  Sonny Bono as a Nashville songwriter who becomes a detective. (When he caught the bad guy did he say, “I got you, babe!”?)

Hilarious unsold pilots

You think some of today’s shows are strange? Friend of the blog and writer extraordinaire, Lee Goldberg once wrote a book listing unsold TV pilots from 1955-1990.  He has recently updated it.  You can buy it here.  I recommend it.  Some of these are priceless.  These are actual projects.  Writers pitched them with a straight face and sold them.  Scripts were commissioned and then networks said, "Sure, we'll shell out millions of dollar to make these".   Can you imagine what didn't get picked up?   Anyway, with the new development season in full swing, let's go back and relive past gems. 

 
DANGER TEAM ABC-1990 – Kathleen Beller plays a bookkeeper-turned-private eye who solves crimes with the help of three animated clay figures. (Whatever happened to Kathleen Beller (pictured above)? She was soooo hot.)

GOOD AGAINST EVIL ABC-1977 -- Dack Rambo is a writer who happens to fall in love with Satan’s girlfriend.  (Don't you hate it when that happens?)

HIGH RISK ABC-1976 -- Six former circus performers team up to solve crimes. (A better title might have been JUSTICE DU SOLEIL.  Notice how many of these delightful dramas were developed by ABC?)

JUDGE DEE ABC-1974 -- Khigh Dhiegh is a roving judge in seventh century China, deciding right and wrong and solving crimes. (We had an idea for a show but it was set in the eighth century and no one wants that era.)

MADAME SIN ABC-1972 – Maybe my favorite of all of them. Bette Davis as an all-powerful dragon lady who kidnaps a former C.I.A. agent (Robert Wagner), brainwashes him with a special ray gun, and enlists him in her high-tech global intelligence agency that operates out of her Scottish castle. (Again, I'm not making these up. I couldn't.)

McCLONE NBC-1988 – Master thespian, Howie Long is pursued by evil clones.

MOMMA THE DETECTIVE CBS-1981 – Esther Rolle (from GOOD TIMES) as a maid who solves crimes.

NICK KNIGHT CBS-1989 – I bet we see a new version of this in like five minutes. Rick Springfield is a crimefighting vampire on the San Francisco police force.

HURRICANE ISLAND & STRANDED – two of the many “people are shipwrecked on a remote island” pilots. But none of them had the hatch.

ETHEL IS AN ELEPHANT CBS-1980 -- A New York photographer who shares his apartment with a baby elephant.

GREAT DAY ABC-1977 -- As described: “This pilot was supposed to illustrate how fun life is as a skid row bum in New York’s bowery.” Featured in the cast: Billy Barty and Spo-De-Odee.

A LITTLE BIT STRANGE NBC-1989 – A widower raising a bizarre family. He and his son are warlocks, his daughter is a witch, his mother-in-law is psychic, his brother a soul-singing bat (yes, a bat), and his nephew is made of mud. A “normal” girl marries into this family.

MARS: BASE ONE CBS-1988 -- A family adjusting to life on Mars, where they live next door to a Soviet technician and his American-stripper wife. (Note: the 1988 WGA strike forced cancellation of this project. I think part of the problem was that they wanted to shoot on location.)

MIXED NUTS ABC-1977 – (not to be confused with MIXED NUTS -- one of the worst movies of all time) The lives and hilarious misadventures of the doctors and psychiatric patients of a mental institution.

MR. AND MRS. DRACULA ABC-1980, 1981 -- The Dracula family moves to a New York apartment. In the second version they live in the South Bronx. Okay, now that makes sense.

SGT. T.K. YU NBC-1979 – Korean stand-up comic Johnny Yune is a Korean LAPD detective/stand-up comic. (This pilot was in competition with one of ours, about a guy-girl comedy team. And neither got on the schedule. Instead, NBC picked up PINK LADY AND JEFF, a comedy-variety show starring a stand-up comic and Japanese girl group who couldn’t speak English.  Sometimes the most absurd pilot gets on the air.)

Tomorrow: More pilots include one with Alan Alda raising an invisible baby and Sonny Bono fighting crime.  You're gonna wanna be here!

9-11 and David & Lynn Angell

I re-post this every year on this date and always will. 

9/11 affected us all, profoundly and in many cases personally. Two of my dear friends were on flight 11. David and Lynn Angell. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought of them, missed them, and not felt grateful that they were in my life.

David and I worked together on CHEERS, WINGS, and FRASIER (the latter two he co-created). We used to call him the “dean”. In his quiet way he was the one we always looked to for final approval of a line or a story direction. He brought a warmth and humanity to his writing that hopefully rubbed off on the rest of us “schickmeisters”. And he could be funny – sneaky funny. During long rewrite sessions he tended to be quiet. Maybe two or three times a night he’d pitch a joke – but they were always the funniest jokes of the script.

For those of you hoping to become comedy writers yourselves, let David Angell be your inspiration. Before breaking in he worked in the U.S. Army, the Pentagon, an insurance firm, an engineering company, and then when he finally moved out to L.A. he did “virtually every temp job known to man” for five years. Sometimes even the greatest talents take awhile to be recognized.

I first met David the first season of CHEERS. He came in to pitch some stories. He had been recommended after writing a good NEWHART episode. This shy quiet man who looked more like a quantum physics professor than a comedy writer, slinked into the room, mumbled through his story pitches, and we all thought, “is this the right guy? He sure doesn’t seem funny.” Still, he was given an assignment (“Pick a con…any con”) and when the script came back everyone was just blown away. He was quickly given a second assignment (“Someone single, someone blue”) and that draft came back even better. I think the first order of business for the next season was to hire David Angell on staff.

After 9/11, David’s partners Peter Casey & David Lee called me and my partner into their office. There was a FRASIER script David Angell was about to write. (It was the one where Lilith’s brother arrived in a wheelchair and became an evangelist. Michael Keaton played the part.) Peter & David asked if we would write it and for me that was a greater honor than even winning an Emmy.

David’s wife, Lynn, was also an inspiration. She devoted her life to helping others – tirelessly working on creating a children’s library and a center that serves abused children.

My heart goes out to their families. To all of the families.

I still can’t wrap my mind around it.

So tragic, so senseless, and even fourteen years later, so inconceivable.

Friday Questions on Thursday

I’m doing Friday Questions on Thursday this week only. But tomorrow is 9-11 and I always repost my piece on David & Lynn Angell on that date. Friday Questions return to Friday next week.

Wendy M. Grossman asks:

Do you find it easier to track character and plot details and remain consistent over a long period of time now that we have computer databases and easier means of updating documents like the show's bible?

Yes, it’s much easier to monitor continuity IF….

the producers and writers bother to check. But honestly, most of the time they don’t. And things do occasionally fall between the cracks so the writers will give a character a sister when he once had a brother, etc.

When I was on CHEERS and FRASIER it wasn’t enough that we had once done a similar story. We tried to make sure that no other show had done that story. If we were going down a road and someone in the room said MURPHY BROWN did something similar we threw the story out. So we were trying to monitor everybody.  There were times we were more successful than others. 

Mark wonders:

Why is stupid funny? I know that in many commercials it's just bad writers taking the easy way out, but what about with Extras (an amazing show) with the girl friend who was just painfully stupid. Or the roommate in Notting Hill. There have been characters who weren't very smart but they had redeeming qualities (Don Knotts on Andy Griffith, Coach on Cheers but maybe they were just naive and unworldly rather than not very smart), but I just don't get these. Especially the commercials when I wonder if they think their aim is only to sell to idiots.

So, is stupid funny or not? Isn't it a difficult knife edge to walk along to do it right?

This is pure speculation on my part, supported by no empirical evidence whatsoever, but I think dumb characters give us a sense of superiority. Look how much smarter we are.

As I’ve said in the past, dumb characters also allow us to provide exposition for the dumb audience members out there. When the smart character explains to the dummy what’s going on, he’s actually explaining it to equally clueless segment of the audience.

From Greg:

When shooting a multi-cam show, how often would you go on location?

Depends on the show, the budget, and most importantly – how large the soundstage is.  Generally, though, you try to avoid it.  Going out is expensive, time consuming, and the studio audience always feels a little cheated. 

But I’ve shot outside many times for multi-cam shows. I’ve probably filmed scenes on the Paramount New York street at least a half dozen times. In one case there was a traffic jam with snow.

I’ve filmed out at Griffith Park. One of my actors wrenched his back and had to be taken to the hospital on a stretcher. That was take one.

I’ve filmed on the 20th backlot, the Radford backlot, but the most fun was a big crowd scene for an episode of DHARMA & GREG. We shot at Ghiradelli Square in San Francisco. I had about 100 extras, scaffolding, cameras in sniper positions, and a million guys on walkie-talkies named “Dave.” I really felt like David Lean that night.

DrBOP is next:

Absolutely stoopid question, but do you always wear a suit on the day of a shoot?

On a multi-camera show in front of an audience, yes, I always wear a suit when I direct. Even if I’m not directing, If I’m on the floor at all, as either a producer or writer I wear a suit.

Why?  It’s just a sign of respect for the audience. And I liken it to basketball head coaches. They always dress nice for games. I just think it’s a classy thing to do.

What’s your Friday Question? Just leave it in the comments section. Thanks.

The first Stephen Colbert Show

This is one of those reviews where I’m more interested in what you guys think. Here’s why? After watching the first Stephen Colbert Show I checked out some reviews to see how they jibed with mine and they were totally opposite. And of course, far be it for me to tell the New York Times they’re wrong. (They’ve been known to throw my Sunday paper on the roof.)

So I’ll share my thoughts with curiosity as to whether they’re shared or singular. Please weigh in and since politics may rear its ugly head, don’t attack each other.

Ready? Here we go.

Oh wait. Not yet. First a disclaimer:

I love Stephen Colbert. I’m a huge fan. I applauded when I learned he got this gig. He’s enormously talented, is an amazing interviewer (no one has a quicker or funnier mind), and he can even sing and dance.

Now I’ll begin.

No, no. One more thing. Sorry.

He was under enormous pressure last night. The expectations were unrealistically high. There was the whole summer build-up, a big audience, and a culture that makes its mind up in 140 seconds and characters or less. Good luck feeling comfortable under those conditions. And the key to success in one of those late night shows is putting the viewers at ease.  It’s hard to do that when you have enough adrenaline coursing through your veins to lift a Buick.

Now to the review.

I thought last night’s show was the first waffle you make Sunday morning and throw away. I have high hopes for the Colbert show, but it’s going to take some time and adjustments.

Understandably, he was trying way too hard. Again, the expectations. The local CBS affiliate in Los Angeles had a countdown in the bottom corner of the screen during its 11:00 news. “Once we get through this gang war shooting we got COMEDY coming up in only 9 minutes! Now 8 minutes!”

But my big problem was he didn’t know who he wanted to be. And that’s what he’ll have to settle on and grow into. Was he the goofy guy dancing around at the beginning? A zany irreverent host with pre-taped bits? A character similar to the one he played on COMEDY CENTRAL? A political pundit? Will he be sincere or a put on? At times he was all of these. Pick one (my vote is the political pundit).

One thing about Letterman, from the day he first stepped out onto the stage for his NBC morning show he had his persona down. I’m certain Stephen will find his. But sooner rather than later.

The only time he felt relaxed and in his element was the interview with Jeb Bush. That was by far the highlight. And way better than his interview with George Clooney. That was clearly rehearsed and forced. The phony movie clips were really lame. The truth is he had nothing to ask him. Give Colbert a reason to interview someone and nobody is better or funnier.

I worry that doing a mainstream latenight talk show he’ll be saddled with too many Sofia Vergaras. That’s like asking Peter Serkin to play “Chopsticks.”

I liked the hummus commercial and some of the Donald Trump jokes, but Trump is such an easy target. Was he really worth devoting five minutes? I was hoping for something with a little more bite.  Have we forgotten Mike Huckabee already?

The few major newspaper reviews I read loved the show (and maybe you did too -- I want to know). But as I was watching I tried to imagine people who were not intimately familiar with Stephen Colbert. He may be an icon to us cool kids, but I bet there are way more people than you think who really don’t know him. Or never got that he was playing a satiric character on THE COLBERT REPORT. Based on last night, I’m not sure they were knocked out.  And winning them over is more important than winning me over. 

But to those new to the dance, I ask you not to judge based on one show (unless you loved it). Give him a chance.  This show is on five nights a week every week.  It's a work-in-progress.  Stephen Colbert is smart, incredibly funny, and he’ll figure it out. When he does he could have the best latenight show of the bunch. Of course, by then the New York Times will hate him.

Oh shit.  There goes my paper on the garage again.  

So what did you think? 

Viva Las Vegas

Hello. Back from Las Vegas where I had a speaking engagement as a fundraiser for the Doberman Rescue of Nevada. He hasn’t worked since THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW. Stayed at New York New York. You never know when you might bump into Sondheim at the quarter slots.

Less than 40% of Vegas income now comes from gaming. The big $$$$ these days is in nightclubs and now dayclubs – crazy decadent hotel pool parties, where Jesse Pinkman and his goofball friends from BREAKING BAD can lose fortunes of drug money, destroy their livers, and still not get laid.

Lots of New Yorkers stay at New York, New York. Why? The inside is supposed to duplicate Manhattan but it looks like Sesame Street during nuclear winter. And I’m not sure nature lovers will be fooled by the Central Park themed casino.

Haven’t you native NY’ers ever wanted to go to Europe? Paris is only a block away.

Oops. The U.S. postal stamp of the Statue of Liberty was based on the Las Vegas replica, not the real one. You’ll notice on the stamp Lady Liberty looks more like a showgirl than the original. Lawsuits are pending.

I requested a quiet room, and was given one… except when the Big Apple roller coaster went by every two minutes with people screaming their brains out.

Meanwhile, Celine Dion is back in residency at Caesar’s. She hits that high note in “All By Myself” and windows shatter nightly in the Octavius tower.

The Linq Hotel has a Ferris wheel larger than the one in London. Good luck to the folks in rooms near that behemoth. Each pod has its own bar and can hold up to forty drunks. Must be real fun when those suspended pods start swaying. Forget the noise; you don’t want to be walking underneath that thing.

The Linq is the old Imperial Palace (and the former Quad Resort). Gone are the “enterdealers” or “dealertrainers” or whatever the hell they were called. Stevie Wonder is no longer dealing blackjack. But the auto collection remains. I wonder if the big attraction is still Hitler’s towncar. If you can’t see the fountains at the Bellagio or the erupting volcano at the Mirage at least you can catch der Fuhrer’s ride.

Add caption

Security at the Linq is very tight.  You don't want to mess with one of these guys.  

At one time Sinatra was a headliner. Now it’s the ventriloquist from AMERICA’S GOT TALENT.

Of course the Trump hotel has the word TRUMP prominently emblazoned everywhere. In a gambling town why advertise LOSER?

New to Vegas to help class up the joint: A replica of the famous Manneken Pis bronze sculpture of a little boy urinating. It’s now proudly peeing in front of the D Hotel downtown. After midnight you can see real people doing it.

The Aria Hotel offers an hour-long “indoor hike” through its casino, facilities, and shops. Las Vegas -- your healthy getaway.

Went on two local TV morning shows to promote my appearance. My 6:00 AM wake up call was the rollercoaster. On one show the two co-hosts asked the audience to vote on their favorite breakfast food. Matzo brei did not make the top five. I followed a cowboy promoting barrel races. We had so much to discuss in the green room.

Treasure Island has discontinued its live mermaid show. The ship is gone, replaced by a CVS. Is there no Historical Society in Las Vegas?

My idea for a theme hotel: Woodstock. Buy an empty field, charge people $200 a night to sleep on the ground in the dirt, erect a stage, and hire Ten Years After and Sha-Na-Na to play twelve-hour sets.

There are walkway bridges on the strip and sidewalks bordered by wrought-iron fences to keep pedestrians off the street. And yet, one or two pickled cretins are hit by cars a week. Typical last words have been: “Parr-tayyy!” “Whoooo!” and “Hey, which one of these is Hitler’s car?”

Sheri’s Ranch in nearby Pahrump, Nevada stages concerts along with its brothel activity. So when wives check credit card bills husbands can say they were there for a show. Wives might still be wary. “You spent $1,000 to see Paul Revere and the Raiders?”

If you go to the “Divas,” female impersonator show at the Linq you get a coupon for a free buffet and you can see a Britney Spears impersonator who is probably better than the real Britney Spears appearing across the street at Planet Hollywood.

But wait! There’s also a Prince tribute show (or is it “the artist known as the impersonator of the artist known as Prince”?), a Michael Jackson tribute show (for adults 9 and older), Sinatra tribute show (this guy is such a good mimic he even roughs people up like Frank), Bee Gees tribute show (which should be called “Stayin’ Alive”), and Four Seasons tribute show (JERSEY BOYS). I spoke at the Las Vegas Academy of the Arts. Good turnout but I’m sure more would have attended if a Ken Levine impersonator had appeared instead.

The 14th floor pool has reopened at the Cosmopolitan Hotel following its recent pool fire. The fake palm trees and cabanas went up faster than a Ford Pinto. Note to poolside partygoers: Yell “Fire!” not “Awesome!” Guests on higher floors went out to their balcony to watch the blaze and smoke got sucked into their rooms thus setting off the smoke alarms resulting in several floors being evacuated. I personally, might not have waited for the alarms to flee the 30th floor in a hotel fire.

Uber is coming soon to Las Vegas. No official start date has been announced but they should be hitting pedestrians within the next few weeks.

The Hash House a Go Go at the Linq is the Hungry Heifer with Snickers flapjacks.

Which reminds me, Mariah Carey is back soon, but only an impersonator can now fit into her gowns.

Cirque de Soleil has a show in every hotel except Circus Circus.

There’s a Dean Martin Drive that intersects with Jerry Lewis Way. On that corner is a pawnshop. You’d think there’d be a bar and clown college.

Drove by Wayne Newton’s Casa de Shenandoah estate (which is surrounded by pod malls. Wendy’s as far as the eye could see.) Newton has fallen on hard times financially and has been forced to sell his beloved garish complex. Among his debts: $600,000 to the Oakland Airport for parking fees. Jesus, man, take the BART.

I miss the days when the mob owned Vegas and hotels weren’t fairy castles or pyramids, people dressed for the evening, being a VIP didn’t mean you earned rewards points, statues didn’t piss, slots paid off in coins, swimming pools were for swimming, casinos were quiet, and when Elvis came to town it was to film a movie; not marry people. Oh, and there was no crime. But as always, Vegas was great goofy fun. I lost dough but saved Dobermans.

For more of my travelogues, I suggest my book WHERE THE HELL AM I?  TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED.  You can get a copy for only $3.99.  Here's where you go.  Help support this free blog and provide me the funds to go on other trips.  You'd be surprised how far one can go on $3.99. Thanks.

Bring back Jerry!

Seems like only yesterday the Labor Day holiday songs started flooding the radio. As I sit here on this low cyber-traffic weekend I’m reminded of how, as a kid, September was always a big month. So much to look forward to.

As hard as it is to believe, when the networks unveiled their fall shows it was a BIG DEAL. A real big deal. Remember “NBC WEEK”? When they rolled out their new fare they also offered full-color glossy yearbooks you could send away for. I must’ve had six. Now it’s “NBC WEAK.” CBS had a half hour “preview show” in which they would show snippets of their new shows. It got the highest rating of the week. During the summer you would watch daytime game shows just to see the promos. ABC usually got the jump on the other networks by premiering their new lineup first. THE JETSONS was water cooler stuff.

And to coincide with the new season, US automakers unveiled their new models for the year. All summer they would tease you by showing the cars hidden under large sheets. Major speculation over whether the Chevy Impala’s fins could get any larger. They were already the size of A-frame houses. And what was this new car Ford was introducing called the Mustang?

And of course, we had the Jerry Lewis Telethon.  Almost 24 hours of the most saccharine, maudlin, cheesy glitz-filled entertainment/sales pitch hosted by the incomparable Jerry Lewis.  At a moment's notice he could go from tears to cross-eyed clown.  And always on hand was Tony Orlando, Norm Crosby, jugglers, and cabaret singers from the best Travelodge lounges in Henderson.   By hour 19 Jerry usually went totally off the rails.  All live.   That, my friends, was MUST SEE TV.

But this year there's hope.  There's a new Neil Patrick Harris live variety show on tap.   Could this be the return of Jerry?  And it's on NBC.  Where can I send away for the yearbook? 

Character actors

My heart goes out to character actors.

When you read casting breakdowns there are a lot more productions seeking, “Male, 30’s, handsome, charming” than “Overweight, 50’s, Italian/Russian mix, unibrow”.

And the few character actors that are successful enough that they don’t have to be service managers at Jiffy Lube ultimately get trapped by their own success. Producers will glance at their headshots or see them read and say, “Him again? Jesus. This guy’s been on a million shows. Can’t we find any new overweight Italian/Russians? “

When you walk into a room and the producers go, “Hey, it’s the ‘can you hear me’ guy!” or “I’ve seen that big white head before. Aren’t you Jack from Jack in the Box?” you’re dead.

Or if a production is to be filmed on location in say, Houston. They’ll cast from the local pool there. Yes, that Nazi soldier might speak with a drawl but it’s cheaper to over-dub him than fly a real Nazi halfway across the country.

And time is never a friend. They get too old to play the cute waitress, the ballplayer, or Julia Roberts’ best friend (although Julia Roberts miraculously never ages herself).

If a character actor isn’t hot agents often lose interest. There’s always some Chihuahua who’s easier to book.

The most heartbreaking casting session I ever held was on MASH. We had a USO subplot in an episode and needed an accordion player. One by one, ten accordion players came in to audition. They all looked right, they all could play “Lady of Spain”. We had to choose one, which we did. But I felt so terrible for the others. How many calls do they get from their agent saying “MASH needs an accordion player”? How many of them kissed their wives goodbye on the way to the casting session saying, “I know I haven’t worked in six years but I’ve got this one!”

So the next time you’re in Jiffy Lube or Wal-Mart or Staples be nice to the clerk. He may be one hell of an accordion player.


This is a re-post from four years ago.

Katey Sagal's first job

In 1985, my partner, David and I created a comeback show for Mary Tyler Moore called (oddly enough) MARY.  We were extremely fortunate to have a great casting director in Molly Lopata.   All summer we spent auditioning actors for the series.  Most you've heard of.  Some even big names.

One day Molly brought in a newcomer to read for the role of Jo Tucker, Mary's acerbic workmate.  We loved her.  She was funny, real, and so fresh.  A definite call-back.

Eventually we had to go to CBS to get cast approval.  They asked to see two candidates for each role.  For the part of Jo we brought in Kathy Bates and this newcomer.  Both were wonderful.  CBS was thrilled with either pick.   We decided to go with the newbie.  There was just something very special about Katey Sagal.

Here is a sample of her work on MARY.  I don't know who put this together but many thanks.   It not not only shows her comedic side but her singing ability too.

Friday Questions

Back from Vegas and I may be broke, but I can still answer some Friday Questions. What’s yours?

Carson Clark asks:

I've been listening to some of the old radio show comedies on the Sirius/XM classics channel. I was wondering what it would be like for you to write a radio comedy script? Would it be easier, more challenging? On a side note, I can believe audiences piled into a theater to watch actors talk into microphones.

In a sense I have written radio plays. Director Jim Burrows always contended that CHEERS episodes were just radio plays. Many times during CHEERS filmings Jim would turn away from the stage and just listen. The cadence and the pace and the words were more important than camera angles.

I agree with him. Today it’s more about style – mockumentaries or shotgun dialogue or naturalistic dialogue so naturalistic that everyone is mumbling.

CHEERS was about characters and attitudes and emotions. To appreciate the show you had to listen. I don’t know if it was easier or harder, but it was more rewarding writing something knowing the writing was the most important factor.

As an experiment, put on a first season episode of CHEERS and turn away from the flatscreen. Just listen. See what you think.

To your other question – I believe people came to watch radio shows for the same reason they come to watch TV shows – to see how they’re made. There’s something special about being on the inside. For audiences used to listening to radio shows it must’ve been a hoot to see how they were done, to watch the guy insert sound effects, to see their beloved actors in person, and for radio there was the added attraction that the shows were going out over the air live. Believe it or not, I’m too young to have ever been in a studio audience of a radio show, but I would have loved it I’m sure.

From Keith:

Friday question: Any thoughts on Antenna TV bringing Johnny Carson back?

I don’t imagine they will hold up all that well overall. The monologues will feel very dated. Spiro Agnew jokes won’t land. The sketches quite frankly, were always hokey.

But what I hope does hold up are the interviews. Carson was an absolute master at those. He got a lot out of his guests, he really listened, and he was incredibly quick with a quip.

Plus, he got good guests. So it will be fun to see some of those.

I suppose there is also the nostalgic value of being able to watch an entire old TONIGHT SHOW and not just clips. It’s like taking the Way-Back Machine for a spin. For me, two or three spins should be enough.

scott has a Friday question regarding sitcom sets:

The interior courthouse set on The Andy Griffith Show is the only set I can recall where we get a 360 degree view of he interior. Were there others that you can recall?

Most single-camera sitcoms have sets that can be shot from any direction. The Swamp on MASH for example.

But what about multi-camera shows, filmed before a studio audience? You’d never expect to see them have a fourth wall.

Well, again I refer you to the first year of CHEERS. In a few episodes there is a fourth wall. You see the other side of the bar. We filmed those angles after the audience had left. The only reason we stopped was because it took too long to bring in the fourth wall, move the cameras into the set, and shoot it. The added depth wasn’t worth the time and effort. But check it out, although not when you’re just listening to an episode.

And finally, from Alex:

Speaking about sets, Ken, I have a question. When a show filmed in front of an audience requires a major change to a set, how is that handled? For example, there is an Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Marie backs the car through Raymond's living room wall. Later in the episode, the wall is repaired again. And there's a Cheers episode where Rebecca turns the pool room into a chili parlor. The pool room is wrecked when the pressure cooker Rebecca is using explodes. When major changes have to made to a set, are those scenes filmed separately from the rest of the episode, or does the audience just sit and wait for the crew to make the necessary changes?

Those scenes are pre-shot, usually the day before. They’re then quickly edited and shown to the studio audience the next night.

However, there have been exceptions. If the big stunt happens at the end of the show sometimes they will film it in front of the audience.

For example, there was a CHEERS episode David Isaacs and I wrote where Cliff was distraught that his mother was selling the family home. So he chained himself to a beam in the living room. Norm eventually talks him into giving up, and saws through the beam. The moment they exit the house the second floor collapses and everything crashes to the ground including a toilet. With the great Jim Burrows directing, we did that live for the audience. Needless to say, they went nuts.

On ALMOST PERFECT I directed a big pie fight and we did that in front of the audience too. Although, to cover my ass, I also pre-filmed it the night before. It took about twelve hours to clean up. I’d hate to be the warm up guy who had to fill twelve hours.

The Fall Preview -- oh boy!

Every January the LA TIMES Calendar section would devote a Sunday edition to all the new movies coming out that year. As you read through the thumbnails you thought, “this is going to be the best year for movies EVER.” Every premise sounded intriguing. Aside from all the sequels (even back then) there was one novel idea after another. And each film had A-list actors, directors, or writers attached.

Then you started watching them as the year unfolded. Ugh! What happened? One LONE RANGER (starring the great Johnny Depp you know) after another.

The following year would be the same thing. And so on.

Now that we’re in September we’re getting assaulted with promotion for the new TV season and movie season. Fall Previews are everywhere. And of course this year there’s not a single project that isn’t a can’t-miss.

Flash forward to November and half the new shows will be cancelled. CBS will wish they still had RULES OF ENGAGEMENT to plug in the lineup. NBC will beg the NFL to let them air football every night. Some highly touted movies will gross eleven cents in three weeks of wide release. And more people will be watching BREAKING BAD on Netflix than the new “hit” series.

With that in mind I recently leafed through ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY’S Fall Preview. Wow zowee! One director’s hands were sweaty because the script was so riveting. Four or five actors were predicted to become breakout stars. Current stars gushed over their upcoming roles. Oscar buzz was everywhere.

And now I realize, I don’t believe ANY of it. They could be touting this new TV series called THE WIRE and I’d be like, “yeah, yeah, probably a piece of shit.” A new STAR WARS is coming! So what? This could be another Jar Jar Binks STAR WARS.

I feel like Charlie Brown and the football. Lucy tees it up, Charlie goes to kick it, she pulls it away, and he falls on his ass. And this happens repeatedly. Charlie never learns. I’ve been so inundated with hype, so besieged with hyperbole that I now don’t buy any of it. Sorry, Lucy, find another chump.

So then I asked myself, “if you feel that way, why are you even reading this?” And my answer was, “You’re right. This is insane” and I tossed the magazine away.

Obviously there will be some Oscar-worthy films coming down the chute in the next couple of months. And one or two new shows (out of eighty) will be worth watching. Please let me know what they are. You guys won’t pull the football out from under me...will you?

Why...?

Why do In & Out burgers taste better off the truck than at their permanent locations?

Why are there rain delays in baseball when it’s not raining? Anticipating rain is not actual rain.

Why do people go to football games in the East and Midwest during December when they’re on television?

Why aren’t the great songwriters of the ‘60s and ‘70s still writing hit songs?

Why are there so few multi-camera shows on television when the ones that are get better ratings than single-camera sitcoms?

Why does Jacksonville, Florida have an NFL team but not Los Angeles?

Why doesn’t Broadway strive to turn out more shows like HAMILTON and FUN HOME and fewer adaptations of franchises, safe revivals, or jukebox musicals?

Why does Donald Trump think a giant fence will keep anybody out?

Why is Adam Sandler still starring in movies?

Why are ice cream sandwiches suddenly the rage?

Why was “Jack” from Jack in the Box dumped?

Why is Batman sleeping with his nanny?

Why did the Red Sox let Don Orsillo go?

Why have stores put up Halloween displays already?

Why do most shows we loved as kids not hold up?

Why the hate for Anna Gunn? She played a thankless role beautifully.

Why am I looking forward to SUPERGIRL?

Why does Hollywood keep remaking old TV shows? And a follow-up question, why haven’t they remade ALMOST PERFECT?

I'm finally playing Vegas!

No, I'm not opening for Sinatra (yet).  But tomorrow night I will be speaking at the Las Vegas Academy of the Arts at 7:00.  I'll be discussing my career and ways to reinvent yourself.   Okay, and maybe I'll sing a few of my hits. 

But it's for a good cause -- the Doberman Rescue of Nevada.  (the dog, not the character in SGT. BILKO)

Tickets are only $29.  I'm also doing a Meet-and-Greet at 6:00 for $49.   You can finally get that selfie with me you've always wanted. 

Tickets are available online.  Just go here.   Again, it's for a really good cause.

So I'm off to Vegas today.   I'll also be appearing on a couple of local morning TV shows to promote the event tomorrow.  Who is awake in Las Vegas in the morning before 9?

See ya in Sin City. 

Who is your favorite TV president?

A recent Reuters poll found that fictional TV presidents scored a much higher approval rating than our actual president. Even Francis Underwood kicked ass. And not only did he kill people, he had the audacity to propose cutting Social Security.

So my question to you, dear reader, is who is your favorite TV president?

Is it Jed Bartlet from WEST WING? I suspect all his votes will come from Blue States.

Francis Underwood and his wife might split his vote.

President Laura Roslin on BATTLESTAR GALACTICA has to deal with killer robots but that’s easier than senate subcommittees.

I’m guessing David Palmer from 24 gets a lot of votes. He seems like a strong compassionate leader and you can call him if someone dents your car at Costco.

Ol’ Fitz Grant from SCANDAL should fare better with women and Ashley Madison subscribers.

Mackenzie Allen from COMMANDER IN CHIEF will do better with men (older men).

And Selina Meyer from VEEP is for those who believe the ability to make you laugh is way more important than the ability to lead. I see Trump voters going this route.

There are probably a few I left out. There was a different president every year on 24. And after the pilot I stopped watching MADAM SECRETARY so I have no idea who Tea Leoni is dealing with there.  Write-in votes are acceptable.  Also, there are way too many movie presidents to throw in this mix so I’ll just confine the discussion to TV.

Usually when I post anything even remotely political it results in heated debates. Let’s see how ugly the discussion gets and how personal the attacks are when the fighting is over Jed Bartlet vs. Frank Underwood.