For my consideration

As a proud member of the TV Academy I am currently being sent DVD screeners for Emmy consideration. Remember when you were a kid and something you had ordered (like a toy) finally came in the mail? Oh, the anticipation! The excitement of seeing that package or envelope arrive! Well, it’s like that every day!

Except, when you were a kid you were thrilled when you opened the package. When I open most of these I’m saying, “Huh? What the hell is this show?”

With 455 scripted shows and God knows how many unscripted shows out there, it’s shocking how many television programs I’ve never heard of. In some cases, I don’t even recognize the network. Elaborate programs too (at least based on the cover art).  Costume dramas and battle scenes and crucifixes. 

And as I thumb through them one by one I feel a certain pang of guilt. There may be two or three of these shows that are really terrific. Some very talented and dedicated people poured their hearts and souls into these shows. And the studio must’ve spent a fortune sending them out. Some of the boxes and packaging is extraordinary. They should give out an Emmy for packaging.

But Jesus, life is too short. And if there is a series I do want to watch they often only include a couple of episodes. Sometimes they also provide a code so you can watch the series in its entirety on line. So there’s thirteen hours, or more precisely – twelve hours I won’t be watching something else.

In some cases I look at the screeners and think, “This is just a waste of money. This is setting $20,000 on fire.” TWO BROKE GIRLS as Best Comedy? In what universe? Feed the homeless with that money. 

So I sift through the entries and pick out generally ten or twelve things I want to watch. There’s usually a couple of series that have received good buzz that I haven’t seen so out of curiosity I’ll throw them on. And it’s worth the time I take cutting up the others (you’re not allowed to pass them on to anybody so the best way to prevent that is to snip snip), in order to have those twelve shows I feel are worthy of my time (not spent watching baseball or SUPERGIRL).

And every so often I’ll open one of those packages and it will be like when I was a kid. Last year it was FARGO. This year it’s… well, the packages are still coming.

Episode 19: “Final Call”–-The Last CHEERS episode

The last CHEERS episode drew over 42 million viewers. Ken discusses the making of that classic show, bringing back Diane, the filming, airing, and disastrous TONIGHT SHOW that followed.  For fans of the show this week’s episode is a must-listen. Also, have you heard the CHEERS theme in its entirety?  You will this week.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

My craziest rehearsal

It was back in 1999 when I was directing the Al Franken sitcom LATELINE in New York. We filmed at the Kaufman-Astoria studios in Queens. Other tenants included THE BILL COSBY SHOW and SESAME STREET (Yes, how ironic is that?). The month was November so it was quite cold.

The Kaufman-Astoria studios took up a city block. But across the street were typical retail businesses – dry cleaners, Greek restaurant, liquor store, etc. It’s not like Southern California where the Warner Brothers lot is sprawled out over many acres.

Our filming schedule was this: We shot the show on Tuesday nights before a live studio audience. Wednesday we had a table reading of the new script. Thursday and Friday we rehearsed on the stage. On Monday the camera crews came in and we did all the camera blocking. That brought us again to Tuesday (shoot day).

In LA, after a Tuesday filming, crews arrive in the middle of the night, strike any swing sets, bring in the new sets for the upcoming week, and begin dressing and painting them. By Wednesday at noon the stage is ready for actors to rehearse.

Not in New York.

In New York, crews swap out the sets on Wednesday. I asked the producer if they had crews who could do that in the middle of the night and he said, “Yes, but you don’t want ‘em.”

So to accommodate that I would hold table readings on Wednesday and just send the actors home. I had a terrific cast so two days of rehearsal was more than sufficient.

But one week the script called for a guest actress who had a very pivotal role. One lady really stood out in casting but had a conflict. She was not available that Thursday. Our choices were to go with someone else or rehearse on Wednesday that week instead. I opted for the latter. I just thought this actress was way too special to let get away.

So we hired Allison Janney.

All sound stages have what is known as an “elephant door.” That’s the door that is essentially a wall. You need a door that size to move fully erected sets in and out. In Hollywood studios, those doors open to the interior of the lot. Here it opened to the city street.

So picture the scene. I’m rehearsing the actors. There’s all the hammering and banging as crews are dismantling sets and wheeling them loudly across the stage. Since the giant elephant door is open it’s now 35 degrees. We’re all wearing parkas and gloves.  We can see our breath. And since the open stage door was on a city street curious bystanders were free to just saunter in to see what was what. At one point I turned around and there were eleven strangers standing behind me just watching.

At that point I just wrapped for the day. I figured, end this before someone in my cast gets frostbite, someone in my cast gets laryngitis from yelling over the jackhammers, or I start getting directing notes from bystanders.

The show came off great and Allison Janney was amazing. I’d like to think that episode caught the attention of NBC and maybe paved the way for her to get THE WEST WING. Or star Al Franken said, “This is too crazy.  I should get into something else more sane... like politics." 

Come see my new play!

THIS IS BOTH A BLOG POST AND BLOG EXPERIMENT. (Theatre Companies please read the whole thing.)

Very excited that one of my one-act plays has been selected for the 8th Annual Festival of Shorts by the Edmonds Driftwood Players outside of Seattle. Come see it July 7-9. Here’s where you can go for more information. As a real departure for me, it’s a comedy.

Playwrights will tell you that unless you’re the toast of New York theatre it’s very difficult to find places that will produce your play. I’ve been very lucky that both my last two plays and several one-acts have found full productions.

And here in Los Angeles it’s even harder because of the new Equity rules that jack up costs to where even modest productions are now prohibitive. Instead of TWELVE ANGRY MEN you can only do TWO ANGRY MEN.

Part of the overall problem is that theatres have “seasons.” So they’ll schedule maybe five or six productions a year. And one of them is always Christmas-themed and one is always LOVE LETTERS starring local news anchors. You submit your play and sometimes a year could go by before they respond. And in fairness to the theatres, I’m sure they all get inundated with material. I can only imagine some of the dreck these artistic directors have to wade through.

So playwrights must have patience. If they’re lucky enough to get a call from a theatre company saying they’re interested in their play I bet the initial reaction from more than half of them is “Oh. I submitted a play to you?” It had been so long they forgot. Submissions are like giving a note to Lassie and telling her to go across the Grand Canyon for help. “Hurry, Lassie!”

There are theatre websites that list various festivals and competitions and for fun I’ve entered a few. They each have different requirements (only plays about Nordic women cleaning fish with the word “lawnmower” in the title), deadlines, application restrictions. Some want you to produce it and stage it yourself, which begs the question: Then what do I need you for? And although my primary interest is in writing full-length plays, there are more opportunities for one-acts and the name of the game is getting your work on stage.

So I’m thrilled that my one-act LOVER’S LEAP will hit the boards in Seattle. I’ll go up for it, so if you’re in the theatre say hello and don’t blame me for the slow Mariners start.

NOW FOR THE BLOG EXPERIMENT

As mentioned, I have two full-length plays that both received great reactions and reviews. One is A OR B?, which is a two-character romantic comedy, and the other is GOING GOING GONE, a four-character comedy set in a baseball pressbox. I would love to get more productions of them. I have an agent who is sending them out, but as I wait the year for responses, I thought I’d take a more direct route.

YOU.

A OR B? received a fantastic production at the Hatboro Theatre outside of Philadelphia. And that came about through a reader of the blog who was involved with the theatre.

So here’s my experiment: If you’re a theatre company or own a theatre and you’re looking for a crowd-pleasing comedy, please get in touch. You can email me at bossjock@dslextreme.com. I’ll provide copies of the plays and press packets. (Let’s see if anyone takes me up on it.) Both plays are very funny, and let’s get real -- how many times can you do LOVE LETTERS? It’s gotten to the point where the weekend weather girl and local mattress store owner are starring in it.

Thanks much.

The top 10 "Hollywood" movies (at least according to me)

Reader Sandra, you got your wish.

Wondering as a Friday question or just as a separate post, if you can make a list of movies that portrays Hollywood best as per you.

Some lists do exist on net, but by outsiders and journos. Which movie do you think portrays Hollywood screw-ups/odd-balls/wackos best ;)

There are lots of movies. Hollywood loves itself. And there are everybody’s obligatory favorites like SINGING IN THE RAIN, THE BAD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, and A STAR IS BORN (all eight versions except the Barbra Streisand one). And I’m sure I’m going to get a lot of comments from people annoyed that I didn’t include this movie or that. So to save you the trouble – I didn’t care for ADAPTATION. I hated HAIL CAESAR and BARTON FINK. I adore Preston Sturges films but SULLIVAN’S TRAVELS is my least favorite. S.O.B.’s big moment was getting to see Julie Andrews’ breasts, so big whoop. Ultimately, what I decided to do is just select my top ten (in no apparent order except for number one).

SUNSET BOULEVARD – The ultimate Hollywood Babylon film. Billy Wilder’s haunting 1950 tale of a screenwriter moving into an old mansion owned by a deranged former silent film star, Norma Desmond, is still the gold standard. “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille” is one of the great lines in all of cinema. Gloria Swanson plays Faye Dunaway (although she doesn’t know it).

THE BIG PICTURE – This forgotten film from 1989 is a comic gem. It was co-written and directed by Christopher Guest and stars Kevin Bacon, Michael McKean, and even the great Emily Longstreth. Part satire/part nightmare. And standout supporting performances by J.T. Walsh and Martin Short. Find and watch this movie immediately.

THE PLAYER – Robert Altman’s dark tale of modern Hollywood starring Tim Robbins is enough to send you packing for a return trip to Des Moines.

THE STUNT MAN – Peter O’Toole’s finest role when he wasn’t playing a guy named Larry. Richard Rush crafted a visually striking film that blurs the line between what’s real and surreal. This is another rarely seen film that’s worth seeking out.

GET SHORTY – Elmore Leonard’s perfect blend of crime and comedy populated with rich characters. How could you not love someone named Chili Palmer? One of Travolta’s best comeback vehicles.

SWIMMING WITH SHARKS – Kevin Spacey played the biggest Hollywood asshole ever. Modeled after probably fifty guys who modeled their behavior after producer Joel Silver.

L.A. CONFIDENTIAL – Hollywood noir at its best. Curtis Hanson’s masterpiece. Russell Crowe’s best movie. And I don’t think he hit anyone on the set.

BOWFINGER – Steve Martin’s nutty take on Tinsel Town. Eddie Murphy is a riot in this film. I think Martin also modeled his character on Joel Silver.  (So did Trump apparently.)   

THE ARTIST – The modern day silent movie that won Best Picture in 2011. To hold an audience’s interest with that one gimmick was pretty impressive.

MULLHOLLAND DRIVE – is pretty cool and erotic. David Lynch so don’t expect a lot of big production numbers.

Those are mine.  What are yours?  

PRE-viewing the current pilots

Okay, the Fall pilots are in (you were worried, right?). They’ve been filmed – in some cases re-filmed. Studios have done their pre-testing. Yes, it’s not enough the networks test pilots; studios now pre-test them – the same way studios now have pre-table reads before the actual table reads.

Soon it will be staffing season, but showrunners of pilots are meeting with writers now. It’s pre-staffing season. So writers will be taking a lot of wasted meetings because once the pick ups are announced most of these showrunners will have nothing to offer.

Within a week or so the networks will announce their new Fall schedules and also pick up shows for mid-season. This is called the Upfronts – when advertisers buy time “up front” for the upcoming season. Most of the hit shows have already been renewed, and a few pilots are getting early pick ups. So it’s pre-Upfronts, which is interesting because “Upfront” is another way of saying “pre,” isn’t it?

Those early pick ups give showrunners a real head start in staffing. Or, more accurately, it gives the showrunners who don’t get early pick ups a real disadvantage.

And now comes nervous time, coupled with RUMORS. Industry websites are filled with articles this time of year handicapping pilots.  It's all about the buzz. 

What shows are front runners? What shows are losing momentum? What current shows are on the bubble? What shows are dead? What shows have support in certain circles but are still considered longshots? What shows may have poor “linear” ratings but are doing okay overseas and may still be worth renewing?

Decisions are made based on testing, based on commitments, (another “pre”), whether they themselves own the show, what the global prospects are, where it might fit in the schedule, whether it has a suitable star in it, whether it appeals to the exact audience that network is trying to reach, whether it can be produced for a lower license fee, whether it’s a legacy show, whether it fits a need, whether it’s good counter-programming, whether the network wants to be in business with that producer, whether bubble shows get an uptick in the ratings, and oh yeah – whether it’s any good. (And I’m sure I’m leaving out a few factors.)

But wait – there’s more (as they say on those infomercials)!

Projects arrive out of the blue at the last minute. A studio will finance a “presentation” that suddenly a network loves. This year networks have decided that reboots of old shows are in so when Roseanne announced she would make more of her show (good luck to those writers) there were several networks that leaped at the opportunity. AMERICAN IDOL is getting a reboot. That resulted in a bidding war. Think about it – if AMERICAN IDOL goes on your schedule (probably mid-season), how many hours over how many days a week does that eat up? In other words, how many scripted shows that would have been ordered don’t get ordered? (One reboot means six boots.)

So you can imagine the anxiety showrunners are experiencing at this very moment. Their show is on, their show is off, it’s being considered for mid-season, there’s talk of recasting, they’re getting a pick up of 13, they’re getting a pick up of 6, they’re dead, they’re alive again, they’re alive but dead. AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

The ultimate decisions get made in New York, and super agent Bob Broder once coined the phrase: “Everything turns to shit over Mississippi.” Shows the networks loved in LA somehow lose favor by the time the final decisions are made in Gotham. Testing is in, pressure is applied by other more powerful producers, and don't forget AMERICAN IDOL.

Things can change by the minute.

And they do.

One producer I know was told his show was on the schedule and the network put him on a plane to New York for the Upfront presentation. A limo picked him up at his house, whisked him to LAX, where he flew first class across the country. When he got to JFK there was no car waiting for him. That was strange, he thought. He then got a call from his agent. The show was dead. Sorry. So no car was provided and the luxury hotel reservation was cancelled. If I’m not mistaken, the producer had to turn right around and fly back on his own dime.

Good luck to everyone in this maddening game of musical chairs. You might want to make appointments with therapists now. Pre-appointments.

My meeting with John Lennon

It wasn’t a long meeting. But it was memorable.

Winter 1973. I’m an engineer at KABC and KLOS radio in Los Angeles. Essentially I worked as a board op for KLOS. That meant I played the records and commercials. Union rules prohibited the disc jockeys from doing anything other than turning on and off their microphoness. Oh, and they could talk. They got that concession.

It was a cool job. KLOS played what today we call “classic rock.” Album cuts and Layla. I loved the music and the jocks were all terrific dudes. I’m still friends with Jim Ladd, Marc Driscoll, and Dion Jackson from that talented staff.

Occasionally I would have to go across the hall and handle KABC talk shows. That was fun too. Talk radio in those days welcomed different points of view, not just one. Imagine such a concept – a balance of ideas. I know. It was crazy.

I’m working one Saturday night on KLOS. I’m on my break. It’s about 9:45. The 10:00 KABC talk show host was Elliott Mintz. There was a long hallway at KABC/KLOS that led to the side entrance. I step out of our studio and happen to glance down the hallway. Holy shit! There’s John Lennon and Yoko Ono buzzing to be let in. They were Elliott’s scheduled guests. ( Elliott is still Yoko’s publicist, by the way.)

I duck my head into the KABC control room and say I’ll get them. Then I barrel down the hall and usher them in. I introduce myself and shake hands with them both. Yoko’s handshake is firmer than John’s.

He’s wearing a blue jean shirt and khakis. She’s wearing a huge black fur that must weigh sixty pounds.

I’ve got about twenty seconds alone with John & Yoko as I lead them down this long hall. What do you say to them?

At the time there was a very popular album by the National Lampoon that featured a very funny send-up of John called “Magical Misery Tour.” In that song he’s forever yelling, “I’m a fuckin’ genius!”

I don’t know what possessed me but I say to John, “So… what’s it like being a fuckin’ genius?” Without breaking stride he gives me a big grin and says, “Pretty nice, actually!”

That was it. We arrive at the studio and Elliott takes it from there. I couldn’t even hang back to watch the interview. I was due back at KLOS at 10:00.

But it brings up an interesting question. If you get to meet someone you idolize and you have time to ask him just one thing, what would it be? I’m sure had I known in advance that I would be meeting John I would have prepared something a little less – how should I say it? – obnoxious, but I just had the sense he would take the question in the spirit it was asked and in fact he did.

I didn’t have time to ask Yoko a question. Which is probably good. I don’t think she would have seen the whimsy in “What dead animal is that?”

So there’s my twenty second brush with greatness… and his wife.

Here's "Magical Misery Tour".

Some thoughts on rewriting

Got one of those Friday Questions that is worthy of an entire post. 

It’s from SeanK.

Ken,

You’ve mentioned a couple of times doing an un-credited re-write for Jewel of the Nile. I’m curious about that, mainly as it pertains to the ability to add it to your resume. Assuming only known writers would be asked to do a re-write, I suspect there’s enough Kevin Bacon-esque connections that it would be easily verified should it come up. But, well, does it come up? Why was it un-credited (your call or theirs)?

Larry Gelbart once stood up at a WGA membership rally just before a strike and said, “At some point everyone in this room will rewrite everyone else in this room.”

He was right.

Rewriting is as much a part of Hollywood as rumors and hookers. It is such a common practice in the feature world that the rare exception is the screenplay that makes it to the screen not having been rewritten by six other writers.

Screen credit is determined by a Credits Manual sanctioned by the Writers Guild. An arbitration is ordered any time a new writer is put on a project, whether the new writer requests it or not. In general this Credits Manual is there to protect the original writer. In the old days directors would routinely futz with scripts and slap their names on them. No more unless they deserve it.

Those arbitrations can get very hairy. The 1994 FLINTSTONES movie had no less than sixty writers involved at one time or another. (I know what you're thinking -- sixty writers for that?!)

Many A-List writers make a handsome living doing uncredited rewrites and polishes. What they sacrifice in credit they make up for in compensation. Some of these scribes command $100,000 a week to provide their genius. (I’ll pause a moment while you pick yourself up off the floor.)

When a studio brings a new writer on a project they are contractually obligated to let the other writers know. Of course they don’t but they’re supposed to.

There are no gag orders on rewriters. The Hollywood trade publications often print who is now rewriting what. There are websites that list project status reports complete with the latest writers assigned to scripts.

So I’m not breaking any confidentiality agreement by revealing that my partner and I did a rewrite on JEWEL OF THE NILE. A paper trail does exist. Plus, I have our draft (in English and French. Our script had to be translated into French for the Moroccan government to approve before allowing us to shoot in their country.). So if you want proof of our involvement you’re welcome to check with 20th Century Fox, the WGA, or call the King of Morocco.

For a couple of years we did a lot of rewrites. Both MANNEQUINS and several movies that ultimately never got made. We rewrote some big names. One in particular is a prominent comedy writer I truly admire and even though the script needed work and he wasn’t available I still felt weird about it (but not weird enough to turn down the assignment).

And just as Larry Gelbart said, a number of big names rewrote us. Often there’s animosity between the original writer and the new guy brought on to fuck up your brilliant screenplay. But not always. David Isaacs and I had an original script rewritten by Cameron Crowe and we became friends with him. (It also helped that we thought he improved our script considerably.)

In television it’s the showrunner and staff that rewrite practically every script. There’s the old adage – “Writing is Rewriting.” What it should really be is – “Writing is Rewriting Someone Else”.

At least no one else rewrites this blog. Although, if that prominent comedy writer did it would be a whole lot funnier, damn him.

Friday Questions

“May” I interest you in some Friday Questions?

Brad Apling starts us off with an FQ about audiences for multi-camera shows.

Did you ever have an episode that you thought was really good but the audience acted ho-hum about or one which you thought was average humor yet the audience reacted as if it was the greatest piece of humor the world has ever known?

Yes. Sometimes you just get a bad audience, but when you watch the show edited together it plays great. Steven Moffat, the great writer of SHERLOCK, DR. WHO, and one of my all-time favorite sitcoms, COUPLING said there was an episode very early in the run of COUPLING that died before the audience. Part of the problem was that there was going to be subtitles through a large part of it. When the show was assembled and the subtitles were in place the show played so well that Steven feels that was the episode that really launched the series.

And the flip side of your question is also true. There have been times when a show played gangbusters in front of the audience and then when we watched the rough-cut we scratched our heads and said, “This is terrible. What are they laughing at?”

From John J:

Sometimes when I watch a show I will wonder where I know some random actor from. On IMDB I will see that he does a couple of episodes a year plus some smaller movies. So my question is, can he make a living like this? How does the average non A-lister pay the bills?

Uh, he has another job. He’s a waiter, an Uber driver, a real estate agent, a carpenter. Character actors who support themselves and their families on acting alone are very fortunate. Most have to supplement their incomes.

That’s why I always say if you want to be an actor you have to really really love it.

Johnny Walker wonders:

Thinking about the realities of having to produce work on demand, have you ever been given an assignment where you were really unhappy with the story? Obviously I guess your job as the writer is to do the best job you can, but how do you reconcile the fear that your name is going to be on something you may not even like?

Yes, and eventually I learned to call the showrunner and work through the problem. But when David Isaacs and I were starting out and getting freelance assignments we had one that absolutely stymied us. It was an episode for a sitcom called THE PRACTICE (not to be confused with the David E. Kelley legal show of the same name years later). We actually came in with the story and they bought it. But once we started writing we realized it didn’t work. We were afraid to tell the showrunner for fear he might just cancel the assignment.

But writing every line was like pulling teeth. Finally, David had a good idea. He said, “Let’s shake things up. Let’s get out of here and write somewhere else.” So we drove down to San Diego, got a hotel room, and pretty much locked ourselves in while we powered through the draft. If he hadn’t made that suggestion I think we’d still be on page three.

I never worry about my name being on something that's not outstanding.  That's the breaks of the game.  There are episodes we've written that got rewritten and I felt made worse.  You live with it.  

And finally, Jim S. asks:

Do you have any special phrases for baseball that you use in non-home run situations?

For example, the late, great Ernie Harwell used to say, when a player took a called third strike, "he stood there like the house on the side of the road."

I will use that phrase when I just might sit stunned and not do anything for a couple of seconds when something surprising happens.

No, I don’t. That’s kind of a folksy style that was perfect for Ernie and a few others like Red Barber, but it’s not me.

I also never developed an exclamation phrase either like “Holy Toledo!” or “Holy Smokes!” or “How about that?” I wanted to use “Fuck-a-doodle-do!” but for some reason radio stations frowned upon it.

What's your Friday Question?  

Why radio sucks (one of the reasons)

Been listening to some broadcast media podcasts lately (boy, do I know how to have fun), mostly about the radio industry. Experts and programmers and consultants giving advice – promote your brand, embrace social media, yada yada.

And they all say radio needs to find more talent, people who are genuinely creative and great communicators. They bemoan the fact that these people are hard to find.

But see, here’s the problem:  when I was a kid radio was exciting. Every station had live DJ’s. They had freedom to be personalities. They had distinctive styles (well, some did and then fifty other jocks in smaller markets copied them).  They howled like wolves.  They had an impact. They drew big audiences. They mattered. And it was not unusual for a creative young person (like myself) to want to go into radio.

Today, I don’t know any Millennial who wants to make a career in radio. Why the hell would he?  That's like wanting to be a butter churner.  With so many more options available in video and music and numerous internet outlets where you can get your project – whatever it is – directly out to the public, why would anyone with artistic abilities or a need to express themselves bother with a medium that is dying, eliminating talent, exploiting the talent it has, and none of his peers listen to anyway? What’s to aspire to – being on a morning zoo making bad vagina jokes? Doing voice tracks for seven stations all for the price of being on one? Finding clever ways to say generic things so listeners will think you’re actually in Yakima?   What idiot has stars in his eyes for THAT? 

And these radio conglomerates that are bemoaning this lack of new blood have only themselves to blame. How are young broadcasters supposed to gain experience? No longer are there weekend all-night gigs in small towns? No longer are there first jobs where you can be terrible. If anyone ever uncovers a tape of me from my Bakersfield stint I will have to kill him. And when I play the tape during the trial no jury will convict me.

So where is this talent pool supposed to come from? Who wants to move to Baton Rouge to do Metro Traffic for five stations at minimum wage? Who wants to move to El Centro to do a daily six-hour morning show, three hours of station production, and three hours of going out on sales calls… for minimum wage? Video didn’t kill the radio star. Radio did.

And a final note to these giant conglomerates – assuming you all don’t go bankrupt in five minutes (which you will), there IS plenty of talent out there. Funny, fresh, vibrant, relevant with the rare ability to excite, entertain, and connect with an audience. Yeah, they’re out there. You fired them all.

Episode 18: How Many of You Are from Out of Town: Sitcom Warm-Up Comedians

A key element of any TV show done before an audience is the warm-up man. There is an art to this very unique role. Ken was the warm-up man for CHEERS and shares stories of that show and many others. Plus, an interview with Stu Shostak, one of the top warm-up men in the business.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

30 Ways to Survive in Hollywood

Here’s a FQ that became an entire post:

Pete Grossman asked:

Ken, can you offer some insight about living a smart financial life in show business? (OK, how many people did I just lose?) As a career in the arts is filled with pratfalls and high hopes, hot streaks and cold shoulders, what do sharp writers, actors and other people in the biz, in your opinion, do right to stay financially sound?

Save your money.

Don’t have four ex-wives.

Don’t buy a big house the day you’re hired on DOUBT.

Don’t invest in Atari.

Don’t shop at Whole Foods.

Get your lattes at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Diversify.

Send your kids to state schools.

Don’t have kids with the second wife.

Don’t have kids.

Fire your Life Coach.

Never get sick.

Marry Oprah.

Put Regular gas in your car instead of the recommended Upgrade – especially if the car is leased. What do you care how it runs in four years?

Don’t invest in musicals.

Don't buy homes for relatives you've never met.

Lie and say you're not in the industry then apply to game shows. 

Don’t put Melania Trump’s name on your product.

Start a podcast.

Don’t sell Los Angeles Chargers merchandise.

Group-ons.

Don’t fly First Class.

Convince your daughters to elope.

Wait until movies come to HBO.

Don't run for president.

Drop the posse.  

Don’t book the next Bill Cosby tour.

Shop at Old Navy.

Don’t buy Lakers season tickets (for so many reasons).

Sell your old scripts on eBay now, while two or three people in the world still give a shit about them.

The WGA strike has been averted... and other random topics

Well that was a nail biter. The WGA strike was averted at the very last minute when the Guild and Producers agreed on a tentative three-year deal. I don’t know the details. But if our negotiators are happy, I’m happy. I’ll get in my 10,000 steps a day elsewhere.

I’ve always been proud to be a member of the Writers Guild but never more than today. My extreme thanks to everyone from the negotiating team to the strike captains, Guild officers, and to the membership whose 96.3% strike authorization vote was I’m certain the reason we DID get a deal and avert a strike.

Also, thanks to the AMPTP for being reasonable and practical and getting it done. Like I’ve said, the ball is ALWAYS in their court.

Thank God Trump didn’t negotiate the WGA contract. We’d be on strike for four years.

But forget the WGA negotiations. The BIG story that has the entire industry buzzing is Ryan Seacrest announced as Kelly Ripa’s co-host. A year of auditions and speculation and rumors and lobbying for THIS???

Only seven more rounds of NBA playoffs before the finals.

Had a fantastic weekend mentoring at the WGA Veterans Retreat (along with David Isaacs and Peter Casey). I would put our military up against any other military in the world – in preparedness, in strength, and in comedy pilot writing.

Congratulation to all the Tony nominees. I don’t know who they are (I wrote this before the announcement and quite frankly was a little more concerned with the WGA saga… and who would be Kelly Ripa’s co-host) but I think you can bet on Bette.

HOUSE OF CARDS returns. I’ve always loved HOUSE OF CARDS but since the election I can’t stomach to watch any White House themed show. Maybe after the impeachment.

Cynthia Littleton of Variety.com had the best WGA strike coverage.

We had an earthquake last night in Santa Monica. It registered 3.0. Not a good night to be on the Ferris wheel on the pier.

Might Aaron Judge be the real deal? Yankee fans think so. Of course they felt that way about Steve Balboni.

Shake Shack or In N’ Out?

I’m loving season three of BETTER CALL SAUL, but I’m tired of Chuck. Every time he’s on the screen I pray for an electrical storm.

Check out my podcast this week, especially if you ever plan to fly on a US airline again. Find out what “calculated misery” is and why you’re the victim of it. “Fly the fiendish skies.” Click on the big gold arrow above.

Sean Hannity has threatened to leave Fox News. That’s like O.J. threatening to leave Brentwood.

I will be on 790 KABC radio talking with Doug McIntyre about the WGA strike this morning at 9:06 PDT. I have no idea what time that is in Iceland. Sorry. I was hoping maybe I could use this to audition for Kelly Ripa’s co-host, but now, what’s the use?
.
I hope you didn’t fall in love with YOU THE JURY. Fox pulled it after two airings. Even  I WANNA MARRY HARRY and THE SWAN lasted longer than that.

Fox also cancelled PITCH. Haters will blame Joe Buck.

Does anybody need 2,000 picket signs? 

Hackers kidnapped the new season of ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK and is demanding ransom from Netflix. $1,000,000 but Netflix has countered with $12.95 a month for 76,924 months.

How does the NBA Playstation game announcers give up to date info on games that actually took place the day before? Siri is nothing compared to these guys.

The pilots are in, speculation is rampant, and soon we will know which shows got picked up and which shows didn’t. Like I always say to the writer/creators – the winners go to work and the losers go to Hawaii.

The President of the United States knows nothing about the Civil War. I guess he didn’t go to “Ask Mr. Lincoln” attraction at Disneyland.

Loving FARGO. This year the story takes place in Minnesota. If you haven’t seen FARGO, it’s like JUSTIFIED but in a Blue State.

Yay.  No strike.  Finally, some GOOD news!

This year's summer blockbusters! (Yawn)

I blame JAWS.

Before JAWS came out in 1975 there was variety in the movies that were released for the summer. Oh sure, you’d get a James Bond flick and a few action movies. But you also got some romantic comedies, some dramas, and even some films worthy of Academy Awards.

And then JAWS came along. And it was this huge blockbuster. And movie studios realized that with kids out of school and available to see movies every night of the week and not just weekends they could make a mint by programming to them. And what did young people want to see? Big exciting action special-effect thrill rides.

Thanks, Steven Spielberg.

(I say that knowing full well it’s not really his fault, and JAWS was a helluva good movie.)

At first studios ventured into the blockbuster market cautiously. One or two a summer. After all, they were expensive to produce with no guarantees. You could lose a shitload of money. Of course you could also make two shitloads of money, have a franchise that would lead to six sequels, merchandising up the wazoo, tie ins with Burger King, and a whole “land” in an amusement park.

So each studio started producing four and then five every summer and then these successful franchises began accumulating until now you look at the summer previews and it is practically ALL superheroes, sequels, prequels, animated sequels, reboots, gore fests, explosion porn. It’s the summer of CGI. Sprinkled in are some raunchy comedies. Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn – boy, has America waited breathlessly for THAT pairing! Summer movie making has become very formula.

I used to look forward to summer movies. And a good popcorn yarn is a fun diversion on a hot July night. But leafing through the ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY Summer Movie Preview there was little that interested me. THE MUMMY with Tom Cruise? When was the last good PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN? Twelve years ago? There have been so many reboots of SPIDERMAN I don’t know if this one is a sequel or Lester Holt is playing him.

It all just seems like overkill – at least to me.   But then I’m not the target audience. It's all a big money grab.  Who cares if the movie is shit as long as it opens big?  Meanwhile, I have to wait until the end of November when the Meryl Streep/Daniel Day Lewis movies come out.

So my question to you, since I’m sure you read up on all these movie previews – which, if any, of these potential summer blockbusters are you looking forward to and why? And remember, they’ll all be on HBO by Halloween. Thanks.

Who knew that shark from JAWS would still be wreaking havoc 42 years later?

My radical new texting policy

My friend Kevin has a policy that I have recently adopted. I will not carry on a text conversation. Text messages are great for short alerts.

I’m running late. 

I’m at baggage claim. 

I’m pregnant. 

But they’re not designed to replace conversations. After a couple of quick back and forths, if you want to continue to converse with me I will CALL you. You’re obviously there. You just texted me two seconds ago.

Yes, the ability to send text messages that are received instantly is pretty amazing. Clearly, the purpose of human thumbs is to communicate. But even more amazing is that by simply pushing a few buttons you can actually TALK to the person. Imagine, carrying on a dialogue in real time. And hearing the other person’s voice. Not having to decipher what ob meant when the person hit the wrong key. Being able to express a thought longer that a tweet.

Since I adopted this policy, there have been a few times when someone has tried to engage me in a text conversation. So I would call them. And they were always startled. Completely in shock.    It’s like, “Ohmygod, did somebody die?” Has it been that long since people talked to each other that it is now awkward?

So if you want to tell me you’re on your way, your flight is late, or my hair is on fire, then by all means text me. But anything else, let’s talk by smartphone.

If this policy works I then might suggest something really insane – we actually get together and talk face to face. I know.  WTF? 2M2H.

My thoughts on ROSEANNE coming back to television

Everybody (and I mean EVERYBODY) is asking me about this (of course) so I thought I would respond.

There was an announcement yesterday that a reboot of ROSEANNE was in the planning stages. It would be an eight-episode limited series starring the original cast. Presumably, a number of networks are interested.

Considering my history with Ms. Barr (she called me an ass hat among things), my readers want to know what I think.

Bruce Helford and Whitney Cummings are slated to co-run the show. What do I think? There is not enough money in the world. That is an absolute suicide mission. I wouldn’t wish that job on anybody… except maybe Trump.

But I would definitely watch the show. At its best ROSEANNE was a smart, funny, groundbreaking show. Will the new version be as good? I’d like to think yes. I sure hope so.  We could really use a smart grounded sitcom that isn't just geared to Millennials.  The bigger question is will the writing staff live through it?

What I find ironic though is that networks are so opposed to multi-cam shows because they’re labeled as old and retro and networks are looking for NEW and DIFFERENT, yet they’re reviving old multi-cam series. WILL & GRACE will be back. FULLER HOUSE, BOY MEETS WORLD, and ONE DAY AT A TIME are already back in some form, now to be joined by ROSEANNE. Could this be the chance BIG WAVE DAVE’S has been waiting for?

Best of luck to the new ROSEANNE. God speed, which is what you say to all soldiers going off to war.

Friday Questions

Closing out April with more Friday Questions. By the way, this was Shirley Temple’s birthday. She was born a day before my mom. But as the years went passed it seems she was born several years and a day before my mom. How does that work?

VP81955 gets us started.

It appears the only genre "premium" or subscription channels such as Showtime, HBO. Hulu, Netflix or Amazon are loath to touch is the multi-camera, filmed-before-an-audience sitcom -- despite their continued popularity, particularly in syndication. Do you believe this is because:

* relatively few showrunners not named Chuck Lorre comfortable with the format?
* filming before an audience requires a weekly production schedule, thus limiting the possibility of "binge watching"? (It's not like a game show, where you can run a week-long strip of five eps.)
* they are more disposed to single-camera series, and don't consider multi-cams "hip"?

Well first of all, there are multi-camera shows on premium platforms. ONE DAY AT A TIME, THE RANCH, and FULLER HOUSE just off the top of my head.

There are plenty of excellent showrunners who are familiar with the format but these networks are not seeking their services.

Production-wise, multi-cameras are easier and less expensive than single-camera shows. A lot of these streaming networks wait until a whole season is in the can so it makes no difference that they’re filmed on a weekly basis.

People binge-watch CHEERS.  Why not ONE DAY AT A TIME?  

And finally, yes, there is definitely the “hipness” factor of single-camera shows. They are less formulaic. But a good multi-camera show can rival a well-made one act play. Yes, a lot of current multi-cams are dumb, but they don’t have to be. CHEERS and FRASIER sure weren’t dumb. And neither was SEINFELD or FRIENDS. Or GOLDEN GIRLS for that matter. It’s the execution not the number of cameras.

And while we’re on the subject -- Donald Benson wonders:

On a show that's close to a stage play like "Frasier" or "Cheers", is there an impulse to cast even the small parts with "overqualified" actors as a sort of insurance?

You hire the best actor you can find. No one is “over-qualified.” I’ve seen big movie stars completely bomb on a multi-camera show. Likewise, I’ve seen Tony winners lay an egg in multi-camera.

The more qualified and professional the better, but it’s also exciting to discover raw talent. Each case is different.

rchesson asks:

I've been listing to (and enjoying) your podcast and have a quick question. How tightly scripted are your podcast comments? I'm sure that you are shooting for a specific run time for each segment so I would assume some level of scripting. Your commentary sounds almost ad libed.

With the exception of my Oscar review, everything is ad libbed. I make notes but otherwise just wing it. My goal is to sound conversational and communicate one-to-one to the listener and I can’t do that when I’m just reading something. That extemporaneous approach stems from all my years in talk radio. You can’t script a four-hour show or three hour baseball game. Thanks for listening. Please subscribe.

From Reesa:

A production company in England is currently reading a pilot/TV bible I wrote. I've been tempted to write beyond the pilot episode (first season) but would that be silly? Any advice is appreciated.

At this point another episode would just be a sales tool and I don’t think that’s necessary. You could write episode two for the exercise or fun of it. But I would think a better use of your time would be to write another pilot. Double your chances of selling something. Good luck.

What’s your Friday Question… besides “Who is Shirley Temple?”

NBC.commercials

I missed the premier of GREAT NEWS on NBC Tuesday night, and I was curious to see it. Anything with Tina Fey attached is worth a look-see. (My quick review of GREAT NEWS: It felt like a very promising spec script of 30 ROCK.)

So I went to NBC.COM figuring they would have the episode available for screening. And they did.

I don’t usually watch shows on NBC’s website. In fact, I believe this was the first. (If Tina Fey was attached to TAKEN I might have watched that when it debuted. But she wasn’t.) I have watched shows on other networks’ sites and on ON DEMAND but never the Peacock’s.

The “com” in NBC.COM should be for “commercials.” I couldn’t believe it. I was inundated with them. Usually, when you stream a show or watch ON DEMAND there’s a :30 spot that pops up a couple of times. I get it. It’s the price I pay for the convenience of being able to watch the show on my schedule.

But this was ridiculous. There were as many or more than a broadcast half-hour. The show itself felt like an intrusion. And at least with a broadcast show I can fast-forward through the commercials and any promos for CHICAGO FIRE. Not here.

I’ll be honest, if I wasn’t in the industry, if I didn’t feel I was obligated to watch the entire show – I would have bailed by the second spot break. Tina Fey or no.

If a major objective of streaming network shows is to increase their sampling, NBC is going out of its way to chase away potential viewers. Do they receive that much revenue that it’s worth it to them to bombard the potential audience with commercials and clutter? What you are left with (assuming you stick it out) is a very unpleasant experience.

One way around this of course is to charge for their content. CBS All Access now has a subscription website. To entice eyes the “Eye” features dedicated fare like THE GOOD FIGHT and next year a new STAR TREK franchise (DEEP SPACE 10?). But other than that it’s just a lot of CBS programming, random movies, and a library of shows people are dying to see again like CAROLINE IN THE CITY and NASH BRIDGES. And in some cases, they don’t even offer the complete series. Only 50 episodes of TAXI are available. They made way more than that. (Not to mention that some of these series can also be seen on other streaming services like Netflix and Hulu.)

I would hope that the one perk you get is no commercials, but I don’t subscribe to CBS.COM so I don’t know. Do they run commercials? My cynical guess is that they do. Less than NBC.COM but still, with CBS you’re paying for the service. So CBS would be hitting you twice. Again, that’s IF they have commercials. I’m just assuming they are. I would be very happy to be wrong.

I totally understand the need for commercials to support broadcast television. Commercials pay for the shows. But networks can be mortgaging their future by airing too many of them. And this becomes especially apparent while streaming because audiences are not conditioned to a heavy spot load. So there’s the danger that they’ll do more harm than good. What they think is GREAT NEWS might really be bad news.

Episode 17: How the Airlines Screw You and Why

“Travel” is the theme for this week’s episode. Ken tells how he survived a cyclone on a cruise ship and how bad the ship’s lounge show was that night. Also you’ll learn that airlines make your flying experience miserable on purpose. Ken tells you how and why they do this and whether there’s anything you can do to prevent it.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

G-g-g-groin Injury

It’s another catch-up-on-Friday Questions Day. I’m trying to answer as many as I can so I’m squeezing in extra Q-Days.

Joe starts us off:

I admire your whole body of work, but there's one scene of yours that's one of the funniest in TV history. When you were broadcasting baseball, were you ever tempted to do a Sam Malone rap talking about a player had a groin injury?

Tempted? I actually did it once on a Mariners broadcast.  (Maybe that's why I'm not still there.)  The episode Joe is referring to is “Eye on Sports” where Sam becomes a local sportscaster and feels he needs a shtick to go along with reading the scores.

From B Smith:

When shooting outdoors scenes for MASH out at the Malibu Ranch, you were presumably shooting as many bits and pieces for various episodes as you could to take advantage of light, climate etc. But since various episodes were directed by various directors, did you send a number of them simultaneously with you so they could shoot their episode parts? Or did you just go for one episode at a time, and if finishing early shot generic footage that could be edited in anywhere, or even knocked off early?

We would shoot one episode at a time. We tried to have 8 1/3 pages of exteriors to justify a day at the ranch. If an episode had much less we held it back until the fall and just filmed the whole show on the stage – even the exterior scenes.

That way only one director was required.

However, after every three episodes we planned a day of pick-ups on the stage. This was for tiny scenes that never got filmed, scenes we wanted redone, or new scenes we felt needed to be added. In that case, we did invite the different directors to come and do their scenes. But if they were unavailable, either Gene Reynolds or Burt Metcalfe filled in and directed the scenes.

Here’s a first – a reader question and another reader answered. The question is from -30- and the answer is from Andy Rose. I couldn’t have said it any better myself.

How were the syndicated weekly Top 40 radio shows--Watermark, Casey Kasem, Dick Clark--produced? Were they completely scripted in advance? Was there any improv or spontaneity? Were they recorded in real time or were the voiceovers done separately and then put together with the records by an editor? I can't imagine Dick Clark hitting talkovers perfectly for 3 hours or, for that matter, taking half a day to record a show every week.

Re: the countdown shows... The narration was scripted and recorded all at one time, although Kasem sometimes asked his engineer to play the end of a record for him to make sure his segue matched the tone of the song.

In the pre-computer days, the reel with the host's lines had to be mixed with the music, jingles, and commercials in real time on a multitrack. Then the master was put on vinyl, and the show was mailed to each station on 33 1/3 records. Later on, they started shipping CDs instead. Now, they are distributed as computer files via FTP.

I’ll be honest. I didn’t know all that. Thanks, Andy.

And finally, Greg Thompson has a question after listening to my baseball-themed podcast episode.

How were you able to simultaneously do baseball play-by-play AND be on a TV writing staff? During their seasons, both are full-time jobs with a lot of evening work. And how did you work it out with your writing partner?

By the way, I listened to your early-'90s snippet of play-by-play on your podcast and thought you were great. Wish you were doing the Angels right now.

Me too. That was great fun.  I could do the groin injury rap for Halo fans. 

But to answer your question...

When I was doing baseball fulltime I would write scripts on the road and send them in. The TV production season started late summer and went until March. Fortunately, I was on mostly bad teams so never had to worry about those pesky playoffs. I was back in LA to continue my TV career during the baseball offseason.

However, for my three years with the Padres I was just doing weekends for them. So that was easy. I’d either drive down to San Diego on Saturday morning, or grab a Friday night flight to wherever they were on the road. The entire week I’d be wearing my "TV" hat. 

There were a couple of times though when the Padres needed me last minute during the week. On several occasions I worked until 4:00 at Paramount. Drove to Burbank airport, hopped a flight to San Diego, got a cab to the ballpark, did the game, went to the hotel, got an early morning flight back to Burbank the next day and was back in the office at 9. That was a little nuts. But for the most part it all worked out fine.

David was supportive. I think it helps that he was a big sports fan too. We always structured our partnership so that there was room if either of us wanted to explore other things.

What’s your Friday Question? I may even get to it on a Friday.

The latest strike update

Just to get you up to speed, the WGA Strike Authorization vote is in and the sentiment is pretty clear.   96.3% voted YES.  And to all of you who did vote YES I say thank you. 

Obviously, the membership is united.  I've been through four strikes and several other potential work stoppages and I've never seen a number like 96.3.  Those percentages are reserved for Ken Griffey Jr. being inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Negotiations resume today, but now the WGA committee has some leverage.  I love how a number of articles about yesterday's vote say, "the ball is now in the AMPTP's court."  The ball is ALWAYS in the AMPTP's court."  This deal will close when they want it to close.

But in an uncertain time in our economy and with memories of the hardships of the previous strike ten years ago, for the WGA members to vote 96.3% in favor of a strike, that tells you the issues we are fighting for are damn IMPORTANT to us. 

I always felt that the AMPTP was waiting until the vote to see just how united and committed we were.  I don't blame them.  Why make concessions when you don't have to?   But now they know.  It's an entire union of Norma Rae's. 

Hopefully now, with the strike looming a week from today, the AMPTP will finally set aside the bullshit and begin meaningful negotiations.   My feeling is the ultimate deal that will be struck will be exact same whether it's this weekend or in three months.   So why not do it now?

Make 100% of the movie and TV viewers happy. 

We get it!

There’s a new trend in comedy that annoys me. Of course, considering the state of the world and the number of things that piss the living shit out of me, this is somewhat minor, but it’s a blog on comedy so I’m bringing it up. And who knows? Maybe I’ll get enraged by the end. I doubt it, but we can see.

Here’s my problem: comedians and late night talk show hosts now have this annoying habit of acting out a joke after telling it. They get the laugh on the punchline and then do a thirty-second bit over-dramatizing it. “She didn’t go out because it was raining” is then followed by “AAAA! AAAAA! I’m getting wet. Oh no. I’m melting. My hair. AAAAA! AAAAA!”

WE GET IT.

I was always taught to get the laugh then move on.  Never belabor a joke.  

John Oliver does this to distraction. As much as I enjoy his program, usually fifteen-minute chunks is all I can handle. Stephen Colbert, who is totally crushing it these days, has fallen into this habit as well. And on the recent Louis C.K. special I just watched, he too resorts to this on occasion.

It’s one thing if the punchline sets up a bit and there are new jokes in the dramatization, but most of the time these just explain the joke you’ve just seen. So the monologues feel padded. It’s like putting filler in hamburger. “Hey, what’s going on? This Big Mac tastes like sawdust. Yuch. And they charge the same price. Next time I’m going to Burger King.” (See what I did there?)

Okay, that’s my rant. Let me check. Nope. My blood pressure has not gone up. I have no desire to break any furniture. But you are welcome to have a meltdown over this. Or at least recognize it the next time you watch John Oliver. And hey, reading this just meant five less minutes you were watching the real news. So you’re welcome.

One of my favorite scenes

Of those that remember a movie my partner David Isaacs and I wrote, VOLUNTEERS, the scene most recall is the “what is time again?” scene. So here it is.

To refresh, it’s 1962 and Tom Hanks plays Lawrence, a spoiled preppy who takes his roommate’s place in the Peace Corps in Thailand to avoid a gambling debt. He befriends At Toon, a Thai villager. They’re kidnapped and brought to the lair of Chung Mee, a fierce warlord. To spoof all those characters who spoke so cryptically in these types of movies we decided to have Chung Mee speak exclusively in cryptic double-speak.

INT. CHUNG MEE’S DINING ROOM – DAY

A spacious atrium. Chung Mee, financed by the CIA, has loads of household gadgets – blenders, air conditioners, etc., none of which work on account of there’s no electricity. It’s the thought that counts. Instead of air conditioning, an AGED MAN pulls the rope for an overhead fan.

Chung Mee is feeding fish raw meat as At Toon and Lawrence are brought in by the huge sumo guards. Chung Mee has an unlit cigar in his mouth. He dips the end in a brandy snifter.

LAWRENCE
This is nothing. My parents have friends who are twice this pretentious.

CHUNG MEE
The bridge you are building. When will it be completed?

LAWRENCE
The bridge? You’re interested in our bridge. Here you go –

He takes a wooden match and strikes it along the stubble of one of the monster sumo guards presenting Chung Mee with a light. A frantic scuffle ensues, but Chung Mee stays cool and accepts the light, eyeing Lawrence shrewdly through the smoke.

LAWRENCE
We’ve got a fine young man working on it, but it’s hard to say. Why do you want to know?

CHUNG MEE
Opium is my business. The bridge means more traffic. More traffic means more business. More business means more money. More money means more power.

LAWRENCE
Before I commit that to memory, would there be anything in this for me?

CHUNG MEE
Speed is important in business. Time is money.

LAWRENCE
No, you said opium is money.

CHUNG MEE
Money is money. And money is my objective.

LAWRENCE
Then what is time again?

CHUNG MEE
When the bridge is completed, you can have whatever you need.

LAWRENCE
Got it. (to At) And they told me to go on those interviews at Yale. (to Chung Mee) Well, gosh. Of course, for now, I’d want to run things in Loong Ta. And then, when I’m ready to leave, passage to Bangkok and a plane ticket to America. And – it’s hardly worth mentioning – twenty-eight thousand dollars in cash. I have some library books overdue.

AT TOON
Nice knowin’ you.

CHUNG MEE
I want the bridge finished in six weeks or you are finished in seven.

AT TOON
(to Chung Mee) You’re goin’ along with that?

LAWRENCE
No problem, commander. The bridge is yours.

CHUNG MEE
And you are mine.

LAWRENCE
It’s only fair.

A door opens and a beautiful Eurasian WOMAN enters. She wears a slinky low-cut dress and gloves. She is obviously the most enchanting creature Lawrence has ever seen.

CHUNG MEE
Business is completed. After business comes pleasure. Pleasure is also my business.

LAWRENCE
For me?

CHUNG MEE
If I say “yes” and not “no.”

AT TOON
You want me to translate?

LAWRENCE
Got it. (to Chung Mee) A little incentive. You’re a sly boots. (walking to the woman) Lawrence Bourne the Third, junior partner. And you, of course, would be…

LUCILLE
My name is Lucille.

NOTE: Lucille speaks English with a very thick Chinese accent. It’s indecipherable, so her words are always SUBTITLED.

LAWRENCE
Pardon me?

LUCILLE
My name is Lucille.

LAWRENCE
What?

CHUNG MEE
Lucille! Her name is Lucille!

LAWRENCE
Oh, Lucille. That’s highly erotic. How did you get a name like that?

LUCILLE
My mother was English.

LAWRENCE
What?

CHUNG MEE
(losing patience) That is her name!

LAWRENCE
She’s staying for dinner, of course.

CHUNG MEE
Yes, but you are leaving.

LAWRENCE
Right now? I just got here. (sidles closer to Lucille, sotto) What do you see in him? Are you a chubby chaser?

Lucille grabs Lawrence’s hand and bends the fingers back. He winces in pain.

CHUNG MEE
Lucille is my bodyguard. She doesn’t like it when my orders are questioned.

Chung Mee snaps his fingers and Lucille releases Lawrence.

LAWRENCE
Thank God my fly was zipped.

Chung Mee snaps his fingers again. The two henchmen grab Lawrence and At, leading them out.

LAWRENCE
Glad to be aboard.

AT TOON
Thank you for dinner and not killing us.

LAWRENCE
I’m free any night. Lucille… Did I mention that back home I own a Corvette?

The group exits.

Where were you in 1991?

I recently came upon the baseball play-by-play demo I made while with the Baltimore Orioles.  This is the demo that got me the job with the Seattle Mariners.   It's somewhat unique so I thought I'd share it.  Most people back then (1991) just sent cassette tapes, usually of a half-inning.   And some began with a few highlights. 

I thought, to be different, I would make a video presentation.  I would marry my radio call to the TV picture so the viewer could see how well I called the action along with hearing me.   Also, I figured if they had something to watch they might not get bored.  I imagine after the tenth audio tape the listener just zoned out.

During that season ESPN did a profile feature on me. That served as the perfect introduction plus it included some pretty nifty highlights.   

Disclaimer:  I'm a better announcer today.  This was my first year.   And big glasses were the style back then.  I have no excuse for the helmet hair.

Enjoy and please be kind.
 

Ken Levine Demo by stusshow

My S.I. article on Dave Niehaus

I wrote an article for SPORTS ILLUSTRATED recently on Hall of Fame Broadcaster, Dave Niehaus. He was my partner with the Seattle Mariners and a great friend.   In the Northwest he is beloved.  Recently it went up on line so I thought I would share it with you.   You can find it here.   "My oh my" I miss that guy.