Room Service 3

The plot thickens. Here’s more of the scene from the “Room Service” episode of FRASIER that David Isaacs and I wrote. The entire second act was one scene, more like a play.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM/BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

NILES IS HIDING IN THE BATHROOM. LILITH ANSWERS THE DOOR FOR FRASIER.

LILITH

Hello, Frasier. What are you doing here?

FRASIER

Surrendering, Lilith.

FRASIER ENTERS. HE HEADS TOWARDS LILITH AND TRIES TO KISS HER.

LILITH

But Frasier –

FRASIER

Oh, don’t punish me because I played hard to get last night. It took everything I had to resist you.

LILITH

But Frasier, this is wrong.

FRASIER

Who cares? Can you honestly say when you were lying in bed last night you weren’t thinking about me?

LILITH CONSIDERS A MOMENT.

LILITH

Yes.

FRASIER

Oh, drop the mask, Lilith. We both know why you came to Seattle. We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night.

FRASIER HEARS THE TOILET FLUSH.

FRASIER

Is someone in your bathroom?

LILITH

No, it’s a …defective toilet. Did that all last night. I’d better check it.

LILITH DASHES INTO THE BATHROOM.

INT. BATHROOM

NILES IS SITTING ON THE TOILET, ASLEEP. THEY TALK IN WHISPERS.

LILITH

Niles!

NILES

(startled awake)

Yes?

LILITH

You fell asleep and flushed the toilet.

NILES

Damn. Is he still here?

LILITH

Yes.

NILES

What does he want?

LILITH

He wants to make love to me.

NILES

Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you and then the minute my back is turned he sneaks over here and yes, I’m aware of the irony.

LILITH

I’ll just ask him to leave.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

LILITH RETURNS. FRASIER HAS REMOVED HIS CLOTHES AND IS NOW IN A BATHROBE.

LILITH

Oh dear God.

FRASIER

Oh, drop this charade, Lilith – you’re not even convincing.

LILITH

I think I’m going to be sick.

FRASIER

Well, that had a ring of truth to it…

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

WAITER (OC)

Room service.

LILITH

Go away.

WAITER (OC)

I have your ketchup, Ma’am.

LILITH

Not necessary.

WAITER (OC)

Okay, but I need the bill.

LILITH

Later.

FRASIER

Let’s just take care of this.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. THE WAITER ENTERS WITH A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP. DURING THE FOLLOWING THE WAITER NOTICES THERE’S A DIFFERENT MAN IN A BATHROBE.

WAITER

Sorry to disturb you. Here’s your ketchup… Sorry it took so long.

LILITH, WHO’S STANDING BEHIND FRASIER, SIGNALS THE WAITER NOT TO SAY ANYTHING.

WAITER

I’ll still need the bill. Where’s the cart?

LILITH

In the bathroom.

FRASIER

Why is the breakfast cart in the bathroom?

LILITH

Uh…I was going to take a hot bath while I ate.

FRASIER

Still, Lilith…food in the bathroom?

LILITH

Be back in a second.

LILITH GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

FRASIER

This is a little embarrassing. My ex-wife. We’re sort of reconnecting.

WAITER

Yes, Sir. That’s wonderful.

FRASIER

And who knows? It might work out this time.

WAITER

Ohh-kay.

LILITH COMES BACK WITH THE BILL.

LILITH

There you go. There’s a generous, generous tip there for you.

WAITER

Thank you, Ma’am.

FRASIER

Listen, while you’re here, would you please bring me up some eggs Benedict? Silly for her to eat alone.

WAITER

Ohh-kay.

THE WAITER EXITS.

FRASIER

Now where were we?

LILITH

Look, I don’t think it’s a good time for this.

FRASIER TAKES LILITH’S HANDS.

FRASIER

Why not, my darling? We’re here. We’re finally alone. You need your Frasier.

FROM THE BATHROOM WE HEAR A LOUD CRASH AS THE BREAKFAST CART GOES OVER.

FRASIER

(crossing to the bathroom) What the hell was that?

LILITH

Frasier, stop. Don’t go in –

THE CONCLUSION TOMORROW.

Room Service 2

Here’s more from the FRASIER episode, “Room Service”. Based on the current trend of sitcoms, this kind of comedy is no longer in vogue. It’s too bad. There should always be a place for it.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM – CONTINUOUS

NILES IN BED, LILITH AT THE DOOR, HAVING JUST ASKED “WHO IS IT?”

WAITER (OC)

Room service, Ma’am.

LILITH

(relieved, to Niles) Oh, that’s right. We ordered breakfast last night.

LILITH OPENS THE DOOR AND LETS IN THE ROOM SERVICE WAITER. HE ENTERS, ROLLING A BREAKFAST CART INTO THE ROOM. HE’S A CHIPPER FELLOW.

WAITER

Good morning, Ma’am, Sir.

THE WAITER STARTS TO SET UP BREAKFAST AT THE TABLE.

WAITER

I have eggs Benedict and eggs Florentine.

LILITH

Did you bring ketchup?

WAITER

Oh, No, I’m sorry. Let me go get that for you right now.

NILES

Ketchup on eggs Florentine?

WAITER

(Joking) Oh, your first breakfast together?

LILITH

Just get it!

THE WAITER EXITS. NILES GETS OUT OF BED AND SLIPS ON A BATHROBE.

NILES

Now I remember ordering this. It’s the breakfast I always order after a night of passion.

LILITH

Eggs Benedict…very rich.

NILES

Well, I only have it once a year. (then) Let’s dig in.

THEY SIT AT THE TABLE. THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

That was quick.

LILITH CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND IS JUST ABOUT TO OPEN IT WHEN THEY HEAR:

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith, are you awake?

A STARTLED NILES AND LILITH SPEAK IN HUSHED TONES.

LILITH

It’s Frasier!

NILES

What do we do?

NILES NEARLY KNOCKS THE TRAY OVER GETTING UP.

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith?

LILITH

Just a second.

NILES

Why did you answer?

LILITH

I don’t know. I’m not very good at this. Hide in the bathroom.

THEY BOTH DART FOR THE BATHROOM.

NILES

No, not you!

LILITH

Here, take the cart with you.

NILES STARTS TO PUSH THE CART INTO THE BATHROOM. THEN:

NILES

Food in the bathroom?

LILITH

Go!

LILITH SHOVES NILES AND THE CART INTO THE BATHROOM, KNOCKING NILES DOWN.

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith? Lilith?

LILITH

Coming.

LILITH RUNS TO THE DOOR, FEIGNS COMPLETE INSOUCIANCE AND OPENS THE DOOR.

MORE TOMORROW…

Room Service I

Even though I’m away on vacation I never stand down from my comedy watch. This is a scene from a FRASIER that David Isaacs and I wrote called “Room Service”. We wrote quite a few episodes of FRASIER but this was my favorite. It’s the beginning of Act II. Actually, the scene is all of Act II. I’ll be posting it throughout the week.

Lilith has just slept with Niles.

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM – MORNING

NILES AND LILITH IN BED.

LILITH

My God. What did we do? What did we do?

NILES

Well, first we –

LILITH

I know what we did. What do we do now?

NILES

Let’s just try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. (losing it) Every day in Arkansas! Why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

LILITH

Oh, so it was my fault, Mr. Sweet-and-Attentive? Why’d you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

NILES

The way the moonlight bathed your alabaster shoulders –

LILITH

Your sensitive and manly touch –

NILES

Yours too.

LILITH

Take me.

THEY DIVE FOR EACH OTHER BUT THEN PULL UP SHORT.

LILITH

We’ve got to resist this. It’s wrong.

NILES

Of course it is. Last night was simply two wounded people acting out of loneliness and confusion.

LILITH

Not to mention four bottles of wine. But for whatever reasons we’re here, we must never let this happen again.

NILES

Yes, of course. (beat) But just to clarify…because of the ramifications of our indiscretion or, because, you know…?

LILITH

You were fine. My God, you Crane men.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

NILES

(panicking) Who’s that?

LILITH

Don’t panic. No one knows we’re here.

NILES

I told Frasier I was driving you home.

LILITH

(now panicking) Why did you do a stupid thing like that?

NILES

It wasn’t stupid at the time. How did I know the minute we got inside this room you’d be on me like a hawk on a titmouse?

ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

(sotto) Just be quiet.

LILITH GETS UP, THROWS ON HER ROBE, AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

LILITH

Who is it?

MORE LATER TODAY…

Checking in from Greece

...where the people are too damn good looking.

Thought I'd check in while my wife hits every single store in Europe...even if it means going down hidden alleys. It's all the same crap!!

The networks are announcing their schedules. Word of them has not reached Santorini. Fun thing to do is just look at the titles, loglines, and casts and predict (a) which will be the first cancelled, (b) which will make it. Hint: the most hype, the greater the chance for (a).

Very soon I will be posting the second act from the favorite FRASIER episode that David and I wrote. It's the one where Lilith sleeps with Niles. Home next week and things will be back to normal. In the meantime, enjoy one of the scripts I'm proudest of.

Ken

Me and Queen Elizabeth

In 1991 I was a rookie play-by-play announcer for the Baltimore Orioles. I kept a daily journal that year and sold it as a book. IT’S GONE…NO, WAIT A MINUTE! (my classic home run call unfortunately) was published by Villard and released in ’93. It’s available on Amazon or on a remainder table near you. Fifteen years ago today this is what happened:

WEDNESDAY, MAY 15, 1991, BALTIMORE

A typical day really, except that the queen of England and the president of the United States attended the game. They saw the A’s win 6-3, although Randy Milligan hit his first home run of the year and then his second.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness Prince Philip are visiting the United States and wanted to view something that represented the “epitome of America”. That meant either the Shopping Channel or baseball. So our little ol’ ballpark on Thirty-third Street got the nod. The weather was glorious, the traffic horrendous, and the crowd merely moderate (32,501) to see this historic occasion (The queen was not as big a draw as free wristbands.)

The entourage arrived at 6:30 via motorcade and were whisked into a private reception hosted by club owner Eli S. Jacobs (whom I have yet to meet, by the way). The VIP party, which also included Mrs. Bush, baseball commish Fay Vincent (who told me before the game that the role of the commissioner in affairs such as these is “to be seen and then leave”), Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney, Mrs. Secretary of Defense, the Governor of Maryland, the British Foreign Secretary, and a number of the queen’s personal valets, secretaries, and foot stools. They all dined on crab cakes and hot dogs. (What, no crumpets and nachos??).

Everyone lingered over dinner for fifteen minutes, and then the royal party moved on to the Orioles dugout to greet the players of both teams.

I did not get to meet the queen. Jon Miller and I were on the air describing the proceedings. At 7:20 a receiving line of players was rushed through (viewed by the crowd on DiamondVision), and to the horror of the Secret Service, the president escorted Queen Elizabeth (or “Sausage” as Prince Philip calls her) up the top step into the on-deck area in full view of the masses. Personally, I feel Harold Baines would be in greater danger than the queen, but the Secret Service men held their breath just the same. The crowd roared its approval.

From there the royal party repaired back to Mr. Jacobs’ sky box on the mezzanine level just to the left of the press box. They sat comfortably behind bulletproof glass as a high school chorus mangled “God Save the Queen” and “The Star-Spangled Banner” over a sound system wracked by feedback.

They stayed for two whole innings, and I sort of felt bad because they were two very boring innings. Five walks, little action. Really, Your Highness, baseball is not that dull! I wanted her to stay longer, but by 8:45 the motorcade had shuttled her away. I also was hoping to have her stop by our booth and possibly read the “Esskay Meats Out-of-Town Scoreboard,” but that was not to be. See if I vote for her in the next election!

All in all it was a very exciting night. In three previous years in the minors the most important dignitary I ever saw attend a game was the Phillie Phanatic.

Happy Mama's Day

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!

This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

You cruise, you lose.

I’m still on my Mediterranean cruise. Thanks again to HH for maintaining my blog. For my weekend post I’d like to re-post my travelogue from a few years ago. It was our first cruise. We decided to take a test run. All that was missing was the iceberg.

*****

Back from our four day Carnival Cruise on the M/S Ecstasy. My daughter found it hysterical that we were "on Ecstasy" for four days. What we were really on was a floating trailer park. 2600 Jerry Springer guests descended upon San Pedro complete with T-shirts, black socks, tattoos, nose rings, wheelchairs, strollers, plaid shorts, knitting, disposable cameras, and disposable diapers (a few even for the babies on board). First we waited in line for close to an hour just to board. This would be a pattern. There were lines for everything. At least at Disneyland you end up going on the Indiana Jones ride. Here you get to the soft serve frozen yogurt machine.

Our cabin was small but at least had a window. Most of the cabins did not. But they all had curtains to at least give the illusion of windows. And some rooms had bunk beds. Four or five people living in a closet. And considering how these people ate I fully expect there are at least four cabins where the guests are now wedged in so tight that only the jaws of life will free them. One question overheard: Why do they put those little pats of butter on my pillow every night?

Each cabin has a ships' steward. We never saw ours. He just comes around once a night and folds towels in the shape of elephants. I guess he wasn't happy with his tip. Last night's towel was shaped like a giant penis.

It was a cattle car. Instead of asking whether we were having fun they should have been asking "got milk?"

We toured the vessel. There is a large upstairs dining room (pen) that my son immediately recognized as the mess hall from his dorm. From then on we referred to the Panorama Bistro as DeWick (his dorm's name). There is the Metro Bar (pen) where from the minute they arrived till the minute they left, there were the same twelve lushes at the bar. A casino (the Crystal Palace (pen)) offered nickel slots and blackjack adding to the feeling that we were held prisoner at Harrah's Tahoe. The Lido Deck (pasture) was the pool area. The pool was the size of a bowl of Hamburger Hamlet's Lobster Bisque. But there was a water slide. A water slide into a four foot bowl? Not a good idea. I doubt if Kathy Lee Gifford, spokesperson for Carnival, would let Cody go on it. You never heard the kids screaming because of the Calypso music that was being played at deafening levels. There were upper decks (pastures) with no shade and worse: no bars! A gym and spa perched at the top level. The showroom (pen) was the Blue Sapphire Lounge, named no doubt for the Kingfish's wife because you had to be in the Mystic Knights of the Sea to want to go on this cruise. The two main dining rooms were the Wind Song (named after a cheap perfume) and Wind Star. The decor of the entire ship was splashes of bright bright busy colors. It was like living in Jimi Hendrix's head.

Just walking around the ship with all its faux glitz and neon you needed Dramamine. Who cares if it's moving?

We all assembled for the big safety drill wearing our life jackets. So thrilled was I that my daughter was wearing one that said "Ms Ecstasy 69". (her room number). Imagine the lines for the lifeboats.

They screwed up and assigned us to two different tables. The food was basically "first class airline" cuisine. Fancy titles, small portions, served in mass quantities. I think the soux chef was hired away from Attica.

Checked out the entertainment at the Blue Sapphire pen. Out came the cruise director, Simon. Picture a skinny hyper British Alfalfa who thinks he's Jerry Lewis circa 1952, He's kind of the semi-retarded cousin every family has. We got a preview of the fabulous entertainment to follow in the nights ahead. The Ecstasy Orchestra -- four guys, the Ecstasy Dancers (who were busy handing out the Bingo cards), a man/woman singing duo that serenaded us with the Carnival Theme, and finally a schleppy comedian who opened his act with "my girlfriend is half Jewish, half Native-American. Her name is Bargain Hunter". The rest of his material wasn't as good. My kingdom for Buddy Greco!!

Next we checked out the celebrated midnight buffet at the DeWick pen. Here it is the middle of the night and these people are powering down pork ribs and beans drenched in bbq sauce. Long lines to get to the grease. The salad bar remained untouched. My kingdom for a Sizzlers!!

Next morning we arrived in Catalina. I pulled back the curtains to a glorious view of the island. I said to my wife, "There's Catalina." Obviously in need of a stronger prescription she looked out the window and said, "Where?" WHERE???

Breakfast at the Wind Star trough then an hour wait to get a shuttle boat to Catalina where I had a delightful time retracing Natalie Wood's last day.

Back on board in time for a refreshing Jacuzzi. This is a TRUE story. The day before when I checked out the gym facilities I noticed in the men's locker room that they had steam, and a sauna, and in a little room a Jacuzzi. So after working out and taking a scvitz I went out to the men's Jacuzzi donned only in a towel. I dropped the towel and casually stepped into the Jacuzzi only to realize that there was a big window and I had just taken off all my clothes for the Yoga class. Now some women entered from the ladies' side. My towel was across the room. Needless to say, I know how to make an exit.

Dinner was formal. My friend, Marc Sedaka, remarked that "formal" on one of these cruises meant long pants. He's right. On the other hand some people dressed as if it were their prom. Some women spent all day in the hairdressers. For a Carnival dinner!! My son was the best dressed of our family. Dark sports jacket, nice tie, khaki pants, and sandals.

There were 920 crew members, from 47 different countries. I kept checking for Iraqis, especially in the dining room.

I missed the "Austin Powers" dance class. Wanted to go. Too big a line.

Tonight was the gala midnight buffet, held in the Wind Song and Wind Star pens. Our Maitre D told everyone to bring their cameras. A few salads, sliced cheese, cold cuts, turkey a la king, rice, beef in sauce, fruit salad. Yeah, you want a picture of that. A dessert table with a guy cutting the cakes. If you asked for a second slice he glared at you.

The next morning we awoke in Mexico. According to the daily newsletter (the "Carnival Capers"...I hear they're looking for a political editor) no shuttle boats were necessary. We were docked. But you did have to take a shuttle bus into town at $6 per person (432,784 pesos). Personally, I had no desire to go to Ensenada. I had seen TRAFFIC. I had seen TOUCH OF EVIL. But my son wanted to buy me a beer (you can purchase liquor at 18) so that was good enough to get me off the boat. The minute we hit the dock there was a guy with a full portable bar. Then we had to walk through a shopping plaza. Finally after our shuttle ride we arrived in town where had a couple of XX's at Hussong's. It's like Cheers except "everyone wants your money". Wandering through town we were stopped at least five times asking if we wanted to go to peep shows. What, no cock fights?! At least I knew the ship was safe. Carnival International paid a kid $5.00 to watch it.

Back in the room I watched "Sabrina the Teen Witch" in Spanish. It was funnier that way. I should have gotten a massage. An ad in "Carnival Capers" proclaimed: "Viva la Mexico. We've gone CRAZY in the Spa today. 10% off all spa treatments." They weren't kidding. 10%!!!

We missed the kitchen tour. "This is where we microwave 10,000 meals a day".

Spent some time up on the Lido pasture at the crock pot known affectionately as the "pool". How fitting that I should be reading "Snobbery" by Joseph Epstein. Didn't bother to watch the ice sculpture demonstration...too many people. I did notice kids running up to the stage to save the discarded pieces of ice. Yes, those will make lovely souvenirs. I had to get down to the Wind Star pen so I couldn't stick around for the "Hairiest Man" competition. A woman won I think.

Entertainment that night (after a rousing game of Bingo) consisted of a Vegas type review. A big dance number celebrating beating the Japanese in World War II. The fifty or sixty Japanese guests didn't find it as stirring as the rest of the guests however. Then, finally, some real entertainment. A comic named Jerome who was actually hilarious. He did an R-rated show later that night that I caught (after passing on the Mexican Food midnight buffet at the DeWick pen) which was even funnier.

The third day was traveling from Mexico. I opted for a real massage instead of the $1 massage chairs adjacent to the casino. It got a little turbulent. A happy ending to that massage was not throwing up.

Among the questions asked various crew members on Carnival cruises: Does the ship generate its own electricity? (No, idiot, they roll out a long extension cord). At the photography booth: How will I know which one of these photographs is mine? What do they do with the ice sculpture once it's melted? And my personal favorite: What religion are those people who wear patches behind their ears?

Staging game shows is a popular feature. Hosted by Social Director, Simon ("hello ladies and germs") they played a version of the Newlywed Game that was quite amusing. Among the questions and answers: "Where's the starngest place you and your husband have made love?' Answer: "the kids bed". If a parrot was in your room every night what sound would he hear enough to be able to repeat it? Couple number two: He: "Shut Up!" She: "Are you done yet?" Describe your wife's naked butt when she bends over. Couple number three: He: "McDonald's Golden Arches".

Getting off the ship was another adventure. We were all awoken at 6:30 and began immigration, based on colored tags of our luggage (which we had to have picked up by midnight last night). Everyone had to clear customs before anyone could disembark. Out of 2600 people I was amazed that only 300 were still clueless as to what to do at 9 am. We were then asked to leave depending upon our color tags. But they had no way of checking. So we just went with one of the first groups, got right off, claimed our bags in two seconds and left.

All in all it was fun to get away, an interesting change of pace, I now know where Natalie Wood had her last meal, the weather was great, learned a lot about Bulgaria and the Czech Republic, laughed a bunch, won ten bucks last night in blackjack, saw first hand why the WWF gets ratings while PBS does not, watched fat guys do the Macarana, and best of all didn't have to fly anywhere so I avoided that line!!!

My favorite casting story EVER.

In 1993 my partner David and I were casting a pilot for CBS called BIG WAVE DAVE’S. One of the parts was for Jack. If you haven’t already, read yesterday’s post with a description of Jack and the sides we used for the audition. And now prepare yourself for RC. That’s not his real name but will do for our purposes.

Our office was on the Paramount lot. Our first floor window looked out at Gower Avenue. To set the scene, we were on the couch. To our left was the window to Gower. To our right was Sheila Guthrie, our casting director. Directly across from us was a chair for the actor and the door to our outer office where our assistant and other actors waited. That particular day we were seeing Jacks and Karens. The Karen role would eventually go to Jane Kaczmarek but that day there were maybe six other talented actresses set to read.

Normally the casting director goes out into the waiting room, brings in the actor, and introduces him. When it was time for RC, Sheila went out and came back in alone. She said he wanted to make an entrance. Uh oh, we thought. That can’t be a good sign.

A moment later the door bursts open and this fat sloth bursts in. He’s wearing just a t-shirt and shorts and carrying a large garbage bag over his shoulder (a la Dave). Oh, and he’s SOAKING WET.

We were a little startled but kept it together. He began reading with Sheila and then peeled off his t-shirt. Why we don’t know. He continued reading but now, for some inexplicable reason, he dropped his shorts. All he was wearing was his tighty-whities. And since they were soaked they were completely transparent. In other words, little Willy had now joined the reading.

Amazingly, Sheila managed to keep reading with him. David and I tried to remain composed but the absurdity of this was just too much. We both started laughing.

RC came to the Kampua’a, God of rain speech. He crossed to the window, stood in front of it, rattled the blinds (to represent thunder) and bellowed out his speech. At the same time a young couple, probably tourists, were walking down the street. We could see them from our angle. The couple turned to the noise and the girl went bat shit, screaming in utter terror.

By now David and I were rolling on the floor. RC must’ve felt he was KILLING. He did the last few lines with even greater panache. We’re now on the floor, tears streaming, sides hurting from laughing so hard. What do you say to this guy? We managed “Well, okay, we haven’t seen that before.” He thanked us for his time, gathered up his clothes and the garbage bag. We told him he could put his clothes back on but he said, “No no, I’ve taken up too much of your time already.” With that he walks into the outer office. Now we hear six actresses scream at the top of their lungs. We’re rolling on the floor again.

RC goes out into the hall to dress. The CHEERS offices were at the other end of the hallway. The CHEERS writers came out to see what was going on. From our office we heard those screams, which set us off for another twenty minutes.

Obviously, RC didn’t get the part. But for five minutes I must admit we were considering bringing him to the network.

Jack Lord works in mysterious ways

This is the audition from a pilot we wrote (and eventually got on the air), BIG WAVE DAVE’S. It starred Adam Arkin as Marshall, David Morse as Dave, Patrick Breen as Richie, and Kurtwood Smith as Jack. This was the audition scene for Jack. Tomorrow I will share the story of a certain actor who came in one day and read for this part. I will put this casting story up against anyone’s. Enjoy the scene and return for the story.

INT. BIG WAVE DAVE’S – DAY

THE DOOR OPENS AND AN ITENERANT BEACH-TYPE NAMED JACK ENTERS, CARRYING A BANGED-UP DAVE OVER HIS SHOULDER.

JACK IS SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDST OF MIDDLE AGE. HE WARS A TEE-SHIRT, SHORTS AND THONGS, AND HIS HAIR IS PULLED BACK INTO A PONYTAIL. HE HAS A KIND OF WILD LOOK IN HIS EYE.

JACK

Where do you want him?

MARSHALL

(indicating anywhere) Dave, are you okay?

JACK SETS DAVE DOWN ON A CHAIR.

DAVE

I’m in some pain. But it’s a good pain. It’s a pain that says “you’re on this earth and you’re living”… It’s the numbness in my hand I’m more worried about.

JACK WALKS OVER TO THE COOLER, INSPECTS THE CONTENTS AND PULLS HIMSELF OUT A COLD DRINK.

JACK

Twenty years on the beach and it’s always the same. Another bunch of Malahinis – total newcomers. You just keep coming.

MARSHALL

And you are?

JACK

Jack Lord.

MARSHALL

No. Really.

JACK

That’s my name…now.

MARSHALL

So, what have you done to the real Jack Lord?

JACK

I just took his name. It’s not uncommon for the people of Hawaii to adopt a name from royalty.

MARSHALL

Jack Lord?

JACK

He’s the biggest thing to ever hit this island. I met him twice, shook his hand. He told me to hang loose, and that’s all I’ve been doing for twenty years.

JACK DOWNS HIS FULL BOTTLE OF SODA IN ONE FRIGHTENINGLY QUICK SWIG. MARSHALL AND DAVE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS IF TO SAY: “WHO IS THIS GUY?”

RICHIE

Y’know, they say this area is filled with people who have just dropped out. They live on the beach or back in the hills. Apparently, a lot of them are psychos, but others are just like you or me.

MARSHALL

Yeah, if you’d spent the last twenty years smoking grass and drinking sterno.

THERE’S A QUICK BOLT OF LIGHTENING AND THE SOUND OF THUNDER, FOLLOWED BY A PELTING OF TROPICAL RAIN. THE THREE GUYS REACT.

JACK

There he is, right on time. Kampua’a, the God of rain. That’s Hawaiian. I suggest you get on some kind of good terms with him. He didn’t like the previous owner, ole’ Pipeline Paul. I think it rained every day of the year Paul owned this place. I guess we’ll have to see how he feels about you boys.

A LEAK DROPS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE WITH A PING, PING, PING, DEVELOPING QUICKLY INTO A STEADY STREAM.

JACK

Whoa, instant dislike.

Barcelona is all shook up

All of Barcelona is in SHOCK. People are walking around like zombies, just saying "why? why? WHY?" (They're saying it in Spanish but still). Street performers are finding it hard to swallow balloons or moon walk.

Chris got voted off last night???? CHRIS?????

I leave the fucking country for five days and this is what you people do? The only possible explanation I can think of is that too many people saw that wretched movie where Vin Diesal played a nanny and confused him with Chris.

I guess I shouldn't be that surprised. I mean, America elected Bush...twice. (Three times counting the wooden Indian old man). But the people in Barcelona, what do I tell them? What does anybody tell them?

When Taylor Hicks is announced as the new AMERICAN IDOL and dances like someone has a noose around his neck and is pulling it, Spain will probably break off diplomatic relations with the United States. Italy will soon follow.

The Bad Band Names Trilogy...Concludes

And now the rest of the bad band names.

[ r ]

Raging Pimps of Doom

Reluctant Stereotypes

Results of Inbreeding

Retarded Elf

Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries

[ q ]

Quasimodo and the Eunuchs

[ s ]

Sandy Duncan's Eye

Screaming Headless Torsos

Screaming Iguanas of Love

Screaming Moist Accountants

Septic Death

Seven Year Bitch

The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra

Shirley Temple of Doom

Shirley Temple Pilots

Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]

Skeptic Tank

Smegma & the Nuns

Smorgasborgnine

Solosex

The Sound of Munich

Spastic Colon

The Sphinctones

Stiff Richards

Stukas Over Bedrock

Swingin' Johnsons

[ t ]

Ted Bundy's Volkswagen

The Telephony Bandits of Doom

Testostertones

Thank God We're Immortal

They Tried To Frame OJ

To Live and Shave in LA

Toxic Shock and the Tampons

Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew

Tragic Mulatto

Transsexual Hitler

[ u ]

Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies

[ v ]

The Velcro Pygmies

Vic Morrow's Head

[ w ]

The Well Hungarians

Willie Nelson Mandela

[ y ]

Yoko Homo

[ z ]

Zombies Under Stress

Checking in from wherever

Hello from somewhere in the middle of the Mediterranean Sea,

So far...

Our cruise ship hasn't been overtaken by pirates.

There's the constant reminder of the POSEIDEN ADVENTURE because every woman looks like Shelley Winters.

The staff is either over friendly or scary. I'm afraid of my stewardess.

The ship's captain is funnier than the cruise director.

We've had a Judy Garland impersonator. Thankfully not one of the guests.

The American dollar is worth less than a peso.

No one seems to give a shit who gets voted off AMERICAN IDOL tonight.

No one's gotten seasick. But the Asian buffet was a challenge.

On to Barcelona.

Bad Band Names II - The Temple of Doom

More bad (and real) band names:

[ g ]

Gefilte Joe and the Fish

Gonoreagan

[ h ]

Headless Marines

Hell Camino

Herpes Cineplex

Hindu Garage Sale

Hitler's Bikini

HIV and the Positives

Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives

Hornets Attack Victor Mature

[ i ]

Inhale Mary

[ j ]

Janitors Against Apartheid

Jehovah's Waitresses

Jehovah's Witness Protection Program

Jesus Christ Super Fly

Jesus Chrysler Supercar

Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army

JFKFC

Jonestown Punch

[ k ]

Kathleen Turner Overdrive

Kerrigan's Knees

[ l ]

Lack of Afro

Lawn Piranhas

The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation

Lee Harvey Keitel

Lesbian Ninjas

Louder Than God

[ m ]

Mao Tse Helen

Mary Kay and the Cosmetics

Max Roach and the Holders

Minnie Pearl's Jam

Mr. Happy and the Genocides

Mussolini Headkick

My Dog Has Hitler's Brain

[ n ]

Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions

Nervous Christians and the Lions

Norman Bates and the Shower Heads

Not Drowning, Waving

[ p ]

Pabst Smear

Pearl Harbor and the Explosions

Penis DeMilo

Pepto Dismal

Phenobarbidols

Phlegm Fatale

Poultry in Motion

Pretentious Flamedogs

The Pro-Midget Mafia

Psychic Buddhist Gorillas

Psycho Sluts from Hell

Pungent Frustration

THE REST OF THE LIST TOMORROW...