Summer Movies Preview: Part Three

Here's the final batch of summer movies you need to be warned about.

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM – (Who we kidding? BOURNE 3) Matt Damon’s amnesia is traced back to the trauma of being friends with Ben Affleck.

SURF’S UP – Penguins are currently Hollywood’s A-list cartoon animals. Please stop before THE SORROW AND THE PENGUIN.

CAPTIVITY – Perfect casting: Elisha Cuthbert who’s been kidnapped so many times in 24 she can’t ride in a car unless she's in the trunk.

CARE BEARS: OOPSY DOES IT! – Gooey entertainment for very small children and Paula Abdul.

TALK TO ME – Don Cheadle as an ex-con now a DJ. Not the G. Gordon Liddy story.

BECOMING JANE – starring the very becoming Anne Hathaway as the original wild and crazy party girl, Jane Austen. Watch her wrestle with writers’ block and the paparazzi.

HOT ROD – Andy Samberg’s quest to be the next Will Ferrell takes him to the familiar arena of hot rod racing.

THE INVASION – Nicole Kidman, fresh from her triumph in BEWITCHED, teams with Daniel Craig in this update of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. For inspiration Ms. Kidman drew upon her marriage to a noted Scientologist.

EL CANTANTE – Marry J-Lo and get to star in movies with her. Husband de jour, Marc Anthony is Jennifer’s latest co-star in this biopic about the late Puerto Rican salsa legend Hector Lavoe. If she had married Puff Daddy instead the movie would be the biopic of Barry White.

THE TEN – Paul Rudd, in between TV pilots, stars in this contemporary look at the Ten Commandments. Also stars Jessica Alba (pictured) who I would be willing to break at least four, maybe five commandments for.

THE COMEBACKS – spoof on those ROCY/HOOSIER/FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS feel-good sports movies. Directed by Tom Brady (but not the one who’s the QB of the New England Patriots so don’t expect much.)

SUPERBAD – Boy are they asking for it with that title. Coming-of-age teen comedy written by Evan Goldberg & Seth Rogen so it probably is funny.

RUSH HOUR 3 – Why? No, seriously. Why??? Really. I’m not kidding. Why?????

STARDUST – Claire Danes plays a fallen star (not a has-been celebrity like Tara Reid but an actual celestial object). A marketing challenge since no one knows what the hell this movie is about.

THE BROTHERS SOLOMON – Will Arnett, Will Forte but not the one Will who sells tickets -- Ferrell.

HALLOWEEN 9 – Masked homicidal slasher, Michael Myers goes on a bloody rampage when he is forced to watch THE VIEW.

DADDY DAY CAMP – an actual sequel to DADDY DAY CARE. This is the end of my summer preview as well as the movie industry itself.

AMERICAN IDOL this week

Those of us who lived through the 70’s are still apologizing for the music. Especially disco. Especially Bee Gees disco. But thanks to AMERICAN IDOL and “Sweatin’ with the Oldies” they remain with us… like migraines.

Barry Gibb sounded like Sean Connery with loose dentures.

When the only “groupie” they showed in the audience was Judge Judy you knew you were in for a creaky evening. Although Simon probably loved it. Finally! Some REAL music! What’s next week? Music of the Cowsills?

The four contestants had quite a challenge. It’s hard to be great when the songs aren’t.

Melinda slogged through “Love You Inside Out”. She could have used better lyrics and the Solid Gold Dancers.

And let’s just say it, okay? Blake Lewis is a one-trick pony. The beat boxing, the robot moves. It’s as if Pee Wee Herman decided to become a rock star.

After singing “Staying Alive”, LaKisha may not. As usual she ignored her mentor’s suggestions, although in this case she probably couldn’t understand him. “yousssssshh sssssssshhhould deffffffffinnnnllllleelllleeeeeeeee shhhhhinnnnggggg falssssshetttttttterrrrrrrr.”

Great to see Haley Scarnato in the audience. Oh, what she could have done with a hand held microphone and “How Deep Is Your Love” !

How come they kept cutting off Simon while letting Paula (who looked like a raccoon) utter random sounds in her eternal quest to formulate one cogent thought? But hang in there, Paula. You give a monkey a typewriter and eventually he’ll type a word.

Bee Gees songs the contestants could have used included: “New York Mining Disaster 1941”(a disco classic), “Jumbo” (I’ll refrain from the obvious), “Don’t Forget to Remember”, and their ode to rough sex, “Fanny Be Tender With My Love”. So many great hits and yet Blake chooses an obscure song.

When he sang “This is Where I Came In” was I the only one thinking, “No, this is where you go out”? On Thursday morning Blake fans may be wearing black argyle sweaters in mourning.

Jordin Sparks (the girl with the big voice and Teri Hatcher face) gave the best performance of the night with “To Love Somebody”. Unlike the three others, she didn’t fall into the disco trap. As for her second song, there’s a reason no one does cover versions of Barbra Streisand tunes. Just because she’s the size of Barbra doesn’t mean she can sing like her. No one can. Well, maybe Linda Eder.

Here in LA there was a huge brush fire roaring in Griffith Park, even threatening the famed Observatory. Every local station was cutting away for bulletins…EXCEPT Fox. God forbid we missed Ryan’s sparkling exchange with Judge Judy or didn’t get the latest poop on the song writing contest.

LaKisha hit a real clunker note at the end of “Run to Me”. She did not look happy. I just imagine her walking off the stage muttering, “Goddamn motherfuckin’ Bee Gees songs. How the fuck can anybody sing those Goddamn motherfuckin’ jive ass lily white bullshit vanilla Bee Gee songs?”

All in all it was a pretty lackluster show. Tomorrow we’re going to learn that LaKisha or Blake go home and Barry Gibb admits he put in his brother’s teeth by mistake.

Summer Movies Preview: Part Two

More of the fabulous movies you'll be seeing this summer...or not.

EVAN ALMIGHTY – The sequel to BRUCE ALMIGHTY but with the much funnier Steve Carell now starring. Lauren Graham as his wife showing off those comedy chops she displayed in CONRAD BLOOM. So expect all the laughs to come from Carell and special effects.

SICKO – Michael Moore documentary on the health care industry. The studio is keeping the subject matter tightly under wraps and considering Michael Moore is the biggest publicity whore on the planet this probably means the film is icko.

FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER – Jessica Alba and the Silver Surfer – it’s Bogey & Becall all over again.

KNOCKED UP – Great buzz on this Judd Apatow comedy about a one-night stand where Katherine Heigl gets knocked up. Ryan Seacrest appears as himself. (No, he’s not the father. How could he be? He’s gay.)

NANCY DREW – The original Veronica Mars, America’s most famous teen sleuth is back with Emma Roberts in the Pamela Sue Martin role. (For my generation Pamela Sue is the Sean Connery of Nancy Drew. ) I don’t care what happens in a Nancy Drew mystery as long as she dresses preppy. Call me a perv but guys know what I mean.

MR. BROOKS – Kevin Costner as a Hannibal Lector evil guy. I’d say it’s a stretch for him as an actor but anytime Kevin Costner plays anything other than a washed up old baseball player it’s a stretch.

HOSTELL: PART II -- This time it’s the gals who get tortured. Brings new meaning to “piece of ass”.

DEATH AT A FUNERAL – The big summer release from State the Obvious Pictures.

MARTIAN CHILD – The Cusacks together again! John adopts a kid who thinks he’s a Martian. John just assumes he has a rich imagination until he vaporizes his dog.

GRACIE – Elisabth Shue organizes a woman’s soccer team. Say goodnight, Gracie.

THE REAL DIRT ON FARMER JOHN – is not a documentary on chicken beaks or whatever gets ground up into Farmer John Dodger Dogs, it’s about agriculture of all things.

BLACK SHEEP – Just check out the poster above. I will see this movie but not wear my wool sweater.

THE SIMPSONS MOVIE – The chance to watch THE SIMPSONS without promos for TILL DEATH. Well worth ten bucks. Twenty even. Could just be what the franchise needs to finally make some money.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX – Daniel Radcliffe won’t be naked like he was in the stage production of EQUUS so riding that broom won’t cripple him.

PAPRIKA – Psychedelic anime sci-fi adventure. Best viewed after smoking, er.. “Paprika”.

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME – Lindsay Lohan plays two characters. She's excited. It's her first two dimensional performance. If Lindsay’s in a summer flick then fellow vapid vamp, Mandy Moore can’t be far behind.

LICENSE TO WED – and here she is! Along with Robin Williams playing the wacky whatever. Half the cast from THE OFFICE is in this romantic comedy including John Krasinski, Angela Kinsey, Brian Baumgartner, and Mindy Kaling. Swap Jenna Fischer for Mandy Moore and you may have something.

NO RESERVATIONS – Catherine Zeta-Jones and Aaron Eckhart in the U.S. remake of the German film, MOSTLY MARTHA about a lonely woman who has no life and no friends and must take care of her niece after her sister tragically dies. Not surprising, the German version was billed as a comedy.

TRANSFORMERS – Directed by Michael Bay so the transformers won’t even be convincing as robots.

HAIRSPRAY – Movie version of the musical version of the movie. John Travolta plays a fat 1960’s housewife, reprising his role from BATTLEFIELD EARTH.

1408 – Any screenplay by Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski (ED WOOD) of a Stephen King story has a chance of being a real winner. 1408 is a hotel room that becomes every guest’s worst personal nightmare. “We’ll leave the fright on for you.” Based undoubtedly on the 7 Springs motel in Palm Springs.

RESCUE DAWN – Christian Bale and Steve Zahn escape a brutal Laotian POW camp where they are beaten and tortured and fight for their lives in the murderous unforgiving jungle with no hope of rescue. German director, Werner Herzog decides to give comedy a try.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY – Adam Sandler and Kevin James pose as a gay married couple to qualify for domestic partner benefits. Your typical high concept idiotic studio comedy. But the screenplay is by three terrific writers – Barry Fanaro, Alexander Payne, and Jim Taylor so possibly it’s worth seeing. But I’ll let my friends be the canaries I send into this mine shaft.

THE STRANGERS – Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman return home to find three masked strangers who need to terrorize them and use their bathroom.

Tomorrow: my weekly AMERICAN IDOL recap. The movie previews conclude on Thursday.

Summer Movies Preview: Part One

The summer is here… according to Hollywood. So here is your Summer Movies Preview ’07. Over 60 block and not-so-blockbusters featured during the next few days.

SPIDERMAN 3 – Word is not as good as the first two (better known as the “Godfather Phenomenon”). Producers were smart not to change locales and have Spiderman battle his foes in Phoenix.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 3 – I’m still so confused by what happened in PIRATES 2. I just hope Keira Knightley ate more than one celery stalk the entire shoot.

LUCKY YOU – Drew Barrymore “high stakes poker” movie. Been on the shelf for two years – always a good sign. Hollywood’s attempt to ride a zeitgeist that is now over. But at least they’re releasing it. Not so with 1975’s “Backgammon is for Lovers” starring Sally Struthers.

GEORGIA RULE – Once fine actress Jane Fonda now plays over-the-top goofy matriarchs (the Ghost of Signorney Weaver Future). Pair her with Lindsay Lohan (the Ghost of Paris Hilton Past), and thunderously unfunny Dermot Mulroney and you have the summer’s first nail in the coffin of romantic comedies. There's not one single man who will go see this movie unless dragged to the theater.

PARIS, JE T’AIME – LOVE ACTUALLY meets AMELIE meet GRINDHOUSE. 83 different sequences from 18 segments by different directors. Confused yet? And you have to read to understand what they’re saying.

WAITRESS – Supposed to be great. The Sundance darling. Keri Russell in this indie comedy with a tragic backstory. The writer/director, Adrienne Shelly was murdered shortly after completing this film. I hope it’s the hit of the summer.

BUG – Ashley Judd in terror for the three billionth time. This time it’s bugs in a motel room. Get her already!!

EVEN MONEY – Kim Basinger. CGI required to make her appear even slightly tolerable.

THE EX – Zach Braff and Jason Bateman in a black comedy described as a cross between ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and SCRUBS. Also stars Amanda Peet so it’s a cross between those two TV shows and STUDIO 60.

THE WENDELL BAKER STORY – Written and directed by Luke Wilson. Satisfies the studios need for the obligatory “Ex-con saves a retirement community” comedy.

28 WEEKS LATER – sequel to 28 DAYS LATER. Plans underway for 28 YEARS LATER. Tentative release date: June 4, 2035, a week before SHREK 38.

DELTA FARCE – Larry the Cable Guy joins the Iraq War. Yes, someone actually greenlit this.

SEVERANCE – DELIVERANCE at a corporate retreat in the mountains. Young cocky executives stalked and chopped up. My guess is you’ll be rooting for the stalker.

BROOKLYN RULES – Alec Baldwin as a notorious mobster leaving rude uncalled-for phone messages to mob rivals.

A MIGHTY HEART – Angelina Jolie in a drama that could restore her to fine actress and not just home wrecker.

OCEANS THIRTEEN – Major Hollywood stars having great fun while the audience has none. Ellen Barkin is in this one. After her huge divorce settlement maybe OCEANS FOURTEEN should be the story of robbing her.

LIVING FREE OR DIE HARD – And the endless sequels continue. Bruce Willis thwarts terrorists at the Motion Picture Country Home.

RATATOUILLE – Pixar and the writer/director of THE INCREDIBLES, Brad Bird. I will be first in line.

SHREK 3 – Substitute “Rocky” for “Shrek”. Or "Police Academy". Or "Big Mama's House".

YOU KILL ME – Ben Kingsley as a hitman with an alcohol problem. I’d hate to be the bartender who has to tell him he’s had enough. Directed by John Dahl, a very talented and underrated director. Could be very promising. Also features Tea Leoni still trying to desperately salvage her career after SPANGLISH.

Tomorrow: Part two... including THE SIMPSONS MOVIE, HARRY POTTER, and THE REAL DIRT ON FARMER JOHN.

Goodbye Radar music video

I just came across this, a bizarre music video of GOODBYE RADAR, the last episode of MASH my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. I must say I always saw Radar's departure as a potential music video but I always pictured him entering a comic book. Oh well. This works too. Enjoy.

TNT is in trouble

TNT has a potential programming problem. If Fred Thompson decides to campaign for president this summer they have a tough choice to make. Thompson is a mainstay on LAW & ORDER, a show that TNT runs 23 hours a day. With equal time laws they must offer every other candidate equal air time or stop airing his episodes thus reducing their inventory to the Juice Man infomercials. Oh, if only the NBA playoffs lasted till October instead of merely June.

The alternative is to air the shows other candidates have starred in. Hillary Clinton played Screech’s mom for several seasons of SAVED BY THE BELL but fans will concede those weren’t the great years. Congressman Tom Tancredo was a contestant on THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB but left after only a couple of episodes following an altercation with fellow dieter, Bizarre.

Who can forget Rudolph Giuliani as the neigborhood crank on BECKER? Or Joe Biden tripping the light fantastic with Paulina Porizkova on DANCING WITH THE STARS?

Does TNT really want to show all the never aired episodes of EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT just because Mitt Romney played Heather Graham’s love interest? And what kind of numbers could they draw reprising WHO’S YOUR DADDY hosted by Wesley Clark?

Al Gore was on the popular SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLAND but was voted off week two because his tribe mates just got so sick of hearing about the environment. Barack Obama recurs in flashbacks on LOST as the brother Kate never talks about but those appearances are sporadic. And John McCain lasted only three weeks on ALL MY CHILDREN after his character was killed for sleeping with Babe, Di, Colby, Brooke, Erica, Krystal, Myrtle, and Opal.

But there is some hope for TNT. Considering the amount of residuals Fred Thompson would lose by having his L&O episodes preempted he may realize that even if he won and became president of the United States he’d still be taking way too big a pay cut. His agents (always looking at the “big picture”) are working feverishly to get him to drop out of the race.

Coming Monday: My gala Summer Movies Preview

Anti-pornography film

This is a 1965 anti-pornography film narrated by local Los Angeles newscaster, George Putnam. He was the inspiration for Ted Baxter. Looking back, he was obviously right. We all have been horribly corrupted. Oh, if only we had seen this film before it was too late.

Free Paris! Free Paris!

Now HERE'S a reality show I want to see -- Paris Hilton has been ordered to spend 45 days in jail for violating probation.

I'm sure she'll be welcomed with open arms by the other inmates.

Bet she wishes she were Nicole Richie. She could then slip between the bars.

Any thoughts???

the D.C. Madam defense trial

The D.C. Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, believes that by outing her clients they will rally to her defense. Interesting logic.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

A lawyer is questioning a witness.

LAWYER
Now senator, just tell us what happened on the night –

SENATOR
Day. It was my lunch hour.

LAWYER
On the day in question.

SENATOR
First let me state that there was no sex involved. I merely received a massage.

LAWYER
From who, senator?

SENATOR
(pointing) That young lady, there. Erotica.

LAWYER
The court will note the senator is pointing to the young lady in hot pants, leather boots, nurses cap, chewing gum.

SENATOR
That’s a licensed nurse’s hat.

LAWYER
Duly noted. So how did you find her?

SENATOR
Lovely. Just look at her.

LAWYER
No. How did you procure her, senator?

SENATOR
Oh. I was looking for massage therapists in the yellow pages and just selected her at random. 1-800-RUB-MEE.

LAWYER
And she came to your office?

SENATOR
No. The office is a little small. I’m a junior senator. But that day I was house-sitting a friend’s condo.

LAWYER
He was out of town.

SENATOR
Working late.

LAWYER
Go on.

SENATOR
We met at noon and both took off our clothes.

LAWYER
The masseuse too?

SENATOR
She didn’t want me to feel self-conscious.

LAWYER
You didn’t find that unprofessional?

SENATOR
I did and asked her to please keep on the hat.

LAWYER
I assume she brought her own massage table.

SENATOR
Actually, in her rush to be on time she said she forgot it.

LAWYER
So what did you use?

SENATOR
Fortunately, there was a bed in the condo.

LAWYER
She then began the massage.

SENATOR
Well, not right away. We had a glass of wine first.

LAWYER
Why, senator?

SENATOR
She said I seemed tense.

LAWYER
Isn’t that what the massage was for?

SENATOR
I asked that too and she said if I didn’t shut up she would consider me a bad boy and punish me.

LAWYER
Which you didn’t want.

SENATOR
We’re talking Monday, the 12th? No. All I could afford that day was the massage.

LAWYER
Did she actually give you the massage?

SENATOR
Yes. She performed it. But no sex. Legally, as long as I am on my stomach we are both allowed to be naked. And remember, technically she wasn’t – the hat and all.

LAWYER
So describe the massage for this court.

SENATOR
First she started working on my pecs and chest.

LAWYER
I thought you were on your stomach.

SENATOR
I was. At all times.

LAWYER
Then where was she?

SENATOR
Under me.

LAWYER
And you didn’t find this unusual?

SENATOR
I told you. I couldn’t afford to speak up.

LAWYER
And how long did this go on for?

SENATOR
Three minutes the first time, and twelve minutes the second.

LAWYER
I see. And now you no longer employ Ms… uh… Erotica.

SENATOR
No. Not since the shocking charges.

LAWYER
And what do you do now for massages?

SENATOR
I’ve begun going to Margaritaville, who – before you get any ideas – is a licensed practitioner of the full body Belize massage method. And unlike Erotica, is very thorough. I’ve used her six times. Not once did she forget the hammock.

LAWYER
No further questions, Your Honor.

SENATOR
I appreciate this opportunity to set the record straight. And I’m sure the other 985 witnesses feel the same way.

THE (HAPPY) END

Thanks for the memories

For you non-AMERICAN IDOL fans, here is what I was going to post today before being so moved by last night’s results show that I fast forwarded through.

Some quick miscellaneous blurbs….

This is the worst headline I’ve seen recently, after the Angels beat Kansas City on Monday night –

Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels' Colon

If you’re writing a 30 ROCK spec, still include Alec Baldwin whether he’s still on the show or not. Just don’t introduce the character of his daughter.

And finally, here’s my favorite Bob Hope story, told by one of his writers. Bob was once in Tel Aviv. It was a night off so he and his staff went to an Israeli comedy club. One comic, speaking only in Hebrew, was killing. Even Bob was laughing. One of his confused writers turned to him and said, “Bob, you speak Hebrew?” to which he replied, “Nah, but I trust these people.”

And for those measley 30,000,000 folks who do watch AMERICAN IDOL...

AMERICAN IDOL results show and pimp parade

This is a typical AMERICAN IDOL results show:

Give to our charity!
Enter the song writing contest!
Buy our itunes!
Check out our website!
Watch our Ford commercials again!
Enter our Challenge contest!
Download our videos!
Buy tickets to our tour!
Enroll in our camp!
Get our Season 6 CD!
Drink Coca Cola!
Visit the Idol store!
Watch us next week!

And along the way… watch more footage from Africa, suffer through “highlights” of last week’s interminable results show, endure Ryan Seacrest’s Neanderthal-on-the-street interviews at Farmer’s Market, wade through highlights of the previous night’s show, mist up over sappy loser journey videos (Oh, that precious moment when they were once in the same room as Bono), and sit through Randy and Paula answering simple questions and setting American literacy back ten years.

The AMERICAN IDOLS Results show is the only program where you fast forward through the show and watch the commercials.

But this week two contestants were sent home so the actual entertainment portion of the one hour show was doubled to four minutes. It also meant Ryan wasn’t able to plug the exciting new AMERICAN IDOL WAR ON TERRORISM that will begin right after the summer tour and just before Sanjaya replaces Rosie O’Donnell on THE VIEW.

At least this week they brought back Antonella and not Bush. And they dispensed with the horrible group singing number that always sounded like the finale of the Country Bear Jamboree stage show at Disneyland.

Musical acts included the completely random Robin Thicke (whose voice was so high garage doors all over America were going up) and Bon Jovi who surprise, surprise – got to plug his latest tour.

Very little suspense with Chris and Phil being voted off. Both seemed to know it and handled their dismissals with class and humility. If Phil had Bon Jovi’s hair he’d be a finalist. Chris was dressed in fatigue green so he’s ready to hunt down terrorists as AMERICAN IDOL doesn’t just GIVE BACK they also TAKE BACK!

Now we’re down to four. Melinda, Jordin, LaKisha, and Blake. Anything can happen although 99% of the time on Wednesday nights nothing happens.

AMERICAN IDOL: Rock Week

Despite the fact that Jon Bon Jovi has sold 120,000,000 albums, Simon Cowell apparently was unfamiliar with him. So were a number of the contestants. And that’s all you have to know about ROCK N’ ROLL – AMERICAN IDOL style. It might as well have been Klezmer night.

I’m sure Simon longed for the days when REAL rock stars like Peter Noone and Barry Manilow served as the guest mentors.

For his part, I thought Jon Bon Jovi gave the best advice all season, even better than Diana Ross advising the kids to start getting face work done now.

So last week’s Cheeseathon brought in $70 million between donations and corporate sponsors. I’m thrilled that number was so high, but of the $70 mil only $5 was from News Corp. What a magnanimous gesture. Especially since News Corp. probably made another $40 million selling advertising for the two nights.

Great seeing Antonella Barba and George Bush on the same show.

The program Mr. Bush really should appear on is SO YOU THINK YOU’RE SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

Phil Stacey looks enough like Frankenstein without having that microphone cord wrap around the back of his head. Randy thought he gave his best performance. Paula was just excited she didn’t look like a seal in those white pants. And Simon didn’t like the song selection. Unfortunately Bon Jovi never did any cover versions from OLIVER.

Usually, they put the weakest performance number two and this week was no exception. Jordin Sparks was the happy, perky rocker chick. Her look and song felt a little “dress up”. Still, I think she’s safe because this week’s vote total will be combined with last week’s when she wowed America singing a selection from Simon’s favorite hard rock composers, Rogers & Hammerstein.

Don’t you wish Sanjaya were still around for Bon Jovi night??? Flitting about the stage singing “Bad Medicine”. “I got a dirty down addiction/It doesn't leave a track/I got a jone for your affection/Like a monkey on my back.” The tweeners would LOVE it!!

This week’s knife in the heart moments: Jordin telling Jon Bon Jovi that her mother grew up on him. That’s what every fading rock star wants to hear. And Ryan saying to offed-contestant Gina, “Rock week. This must be KILLING you.” Add another seven years onto that therapy, Gina.

LaKisha looked like she was wearing a Houston Astros rainbow road uniform from 1972. What was with that huge red stripe? However, she gave one of her best performances after several disappointing weeks. Was it the judges’ comments that turned her around? No. I like to think it’s because she saw Kimberley Locke on the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

Simon kissing LaKisha was a great moment. Ryan was so jealous.

I liked Blake with the dark hair. He looked like a young Charles Grodin. And finally he tossed away the argyle sweaters and went back to his strength – doing bizarre totally original versions of songs that today seem fresh and hip and in five years will look ridiculous. But this night he shined. And I’ll never be able to sing “You Give Love a Bad Name” again without lapsing into Daffy Duck.

Chris Richardson’s idea of taking a risk is singing through his mouth. He’s awful. He will need more than a charity to keep him on after this week.

And Melinda continues to prove she can sing anything. She got the pimp spot this week and delivered big time. The judges compared her to Tina Turner. I agree. She was so dead-on for Tina Turner that if I were Melinda I’d get a restraining order on Ike just to play it safe.

Two finalists get voted off tonight. After last week’s staged sacrifice of Jordin (nice of the producers to do that to the one 17 year old contestant… on their celebration of humanity night) I’m sure her fans will be out in full force. Chris is toast. Probably Phil. But maybe LaKisha. I sure hope not. I’d hate to see her on that big CELEBRITY FIT CLUB scale with Ant making bitchy jokes and Rosie O’Donnell yelling, “You go girl!”

Chicago in April

Note for new readers: Whenever I go out of town I file these travelblogs in the hopes that an editor will discover them and want to compile them for a book. I keep waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

Chicago in April. It’s either 8 degrees or 80 degrees. We experienced both. Summer in the city and winter in the cabin of an American Airlines Boeing 767. It seems that since AA refurbished their 767’s anyone in rows 20-24 sit in an arctic blast. The airline is aware of the problem but it would take money to repair so better to just freeze out 28 passengers every flight. And who knows? Maybe soon they can charge for blankets and hot coffee and make a tidy profit. In other words -- doing what they do best.

My wife and I were in the City of Wind to see the musical revue our daughter, Annie wrote and directed at Northwestern. It was so genuinely funny that I went from relieved, to proud, to threatened. I hope she hires me someday. I’m preparing a sample of my work. (“Frasier, dad? Do you have anything more recent?”)

On Saturday the temperature went from 50 to 80 and the entire city poured outdoors. Patio cafes were brimming, parks were jammed, surgeons were moving operations to the roofs of local hospitals.

There was no need for me to go to L.A. TAN to get some color. And I was able to walk four blocks without getting frostbite so no need to workout at L.A. FITNESS – two mainstays of Chicago.

KAMA SUTRA: THE MUSICAL and MENOPAUSE: THE MUSICAL are both currently playing. Each is the story of Madonna.

Every expressway – in and out of the city on a Friday – is a parking lot. If I worked downtown I think I’d rather never see my home again than to fight that traffic.

And yet, despite the brutal weather, congestion, and Cubs everyone is so NICE. And unlike Los Angeles, waiters are actually waiters not actors thinking they’re playing waiters.

I guess 28,000,000 nice people help compensate for Frank Lloyd Wright.

Among the many great sights in Chicago was gas under $3.00. Most of our photos from this trip were me at a Citgo station.

There is a local chain called the Homemade Pizza Company. They prepare frozen pizzas for you and you take them home. They have no ovens. I can think of another name for the Homemade Pizza Company – “Any Market”! I wonder if they offer delivery services: “Guaranteed to arrive frozen or your money back.”

Chicago is known for its great museums. Did not get to the American Bar Association Museum of Law (didn’t want to brave the long lines), the National Asian-American Sports Hall of Fame, the Leather Archives & Museum (perfect for showing off that L.A. TAN), or the International Museum of Surgical Sciences (I wonder if they have a hands-on room for the kiddies?).

I passed a place offering “Generic Dentistry”. What the hell is that? They use the CVS brand Novocain? Kenmore spit sinks?

Plans continue for “the Spire” (pictured), that 150-story tower to be erected on Chicago’s lakefront (along with three floors of underground parking). During winter windstorms that thing will swing back and forth like a metronome. The developers say that’s a good thing -- your views change. I hear Oprah wants the south-west corner penthouse so on a clear day she can see her other home… in Santa Barbara.

And not to be outdone, nearby Evanston unveiled plans for a 49-story condominium skyscraper that would be the largest building in Chicago’s SUBURBS. It would kick serious ass over the puny 31-floor Oakbrook Terrace Tower. Do you think if Northwestern had a football team that went to a bowl game more than once every thirty years the city wouldn’t feel compelled to erect these er…giant shafts? I’m just asking.

On Sunday I took the “El” to the southside – where the stockyards meet the shore. Went to see the “other” Chicago baseball team play (y’know, the one that actually won a World Series in our lifetime). The White Sox were hosting the Los Angeles Angels of Some Other City in Fine Print. Considering the traffic on the Santa Ana Freway if you do live in Los Angeles and want to see your Angels it’s easier to go to Chicago.

“The Palehose” play in U.S. Cellular Field (formerly Comiskey Park). U.S. Cellular must’ve really paid through the nose to get them to change the name from Park to Field too. The park/field/stadium/yard/crib/diamond is 16 years old and has already been refurbished. Good thing too. It’s much improved. You used to get vertigo from the upper deck. Now you can sit up there without harnesses. If you haven’t been to “the Cell” since the name change, check it out. Great fun. And the hot dogs are fresh. They were probably made across the street.

When I was broadcasting for the Baltimore Orioles I called the very first night game there. I also filled for four hours during their very first rain delay. That and my Emmy are my two proudest achievements.

I remember they used to announce on the P.A. that this was a residential area so fans were asked to please leave quietly so as not to wake up the neighborhood. Then they would shoot off deafening fireworks every time a White Sox player hit a home run.

Gee, folks in "Chicagoland" sure seem to like Barack Obama more than Hillary Clinton. Even though Hillary is from Chicago.

When kids on the street say, “Do you want to buy the Tribune?” they mean the whole corporation.

Sunday night was beautiful – warm, balmy, perfect for walking around. But just to remind us this was Chicago, a huge lightening storm appeared out of nowhere complete with loud crashing thunder. Or, it could have just been Jim Thome hitting another home run for the White Sox.

Either way, it’s my kind of town.

Tomorrow: The AMERICAN IDOL recap. Here's hoping they get back to music and stop trying to be sincere. It really puts a crimp in my snarkiness.

What are the odds???

The best career choice I ever made was getting out of radio and into television writing. Well... actually it was all the radio stations that fired me that helped nudge me in that direction. But in between my long stretches of unemployment and pleading for all-night shifts in Fresno I did have a lot of fun... and compiled a lot of stories.

Like...

There once was a time when Clear Channel didn’t own every radio station in America. There used to be such a thing as “competition” (an arcane word you may have to look up in the dictionary). In the mid 70’s in San Francisco there was quite a battle raging between KFRC and KYA. I was a disc jockey at KYA at the time (as Beaver Cleaver), working the coveted 10 pm – 2 am shift. Across town, KFRC countered with Beau Weaver (pictured). Despite this “heated” rivalry, Beau and I were friends and I would usually meet him for a bite after we got off the air (unless I got a better offer from one of the hot young listeners. In other words, I met Beau every single night.)

KFRC’s playlist was very rigid. At KYA I could pretty much play anything except “the Unicorn Song”. One night I had an idea and called Beau on his hotline. I had him tell me the songs he was going to play that hour and in what order. I then played the same songs at the exact same time. The phones at both stations went nuts. People were breathlessly telling me that KFRC was playing the same songs I was playing. I told them that was ABSURD! I hated those motherfuckers! Beau told his flabbergasted callers the same thing. Why would he play the same songs as those pathetic losers at KYA?

We got a good chortle out of this and decided to repeat the stunt…every night from midnight – 1:00. The listeners were just going bat shit!! One called the Guinness Book of Records. Another sent the probability tables. Eventually, the KFRC program director found out about this, blew a gasket, and that was the end of that. It was great fun while it lasted.

And then the ratings came out. From midnight - 1:00 Beau Weaver creamed me. And I thought to myself, Jesus how bad am I when we played the exact same damn records???

It’s a lesson I learned in television, and when I was on MASH and we were up against THREE’S COMPANY, no matter how much they begged, I wouldn’t give them any of our sucking chest wound jokes. I like to think it’s the reason MASH lasted 11 seasons instead of six. Thank you, Beau Weaver.

I alone caused the downfall of CBS Radio

Pictured: Dan Ingram & Dan Taylor

It all started with me.

Several years ago I was doing weekly commentaries for WCBS Newsradio in New York. My unique humorous observations of the world – y’know, like the crap I post here. Then the ratings came out and we got crushed by sister station WINS. Thanks, little sis. They decided to take the station in a different direction -- away from me.

As has happened several times with prime time series I created and executive produced, I was canceled by CBS.

Whenever that occurred on the TV side CBS immediately began to flourish. Ratings went up, breakout shows emerged. Even Letterman’s ratings went up .000000001.

But on the radio side it’s a different story. Letting me go apparently has cursed the entire division.

First Howard Stern left, costing CBS 12,000,000 listeners and far more than that in revenue (rom $50.8 million to $18.7 million). Given an entire year to find a replacement they chose David Lee Roth, who was so bad and so hated that he was losing in the ratings to police calls.

Then came the staggeringly boneheaded decision to change WCBS-FM’s format from oldies to JACK. CBS-FM was an institution in Gotham, had great ratings, and made big profits. Now it’s down there in the ratings with AM stations at 1600 on the dial that play music from countries only cab drivers recognize. And financially it’s taken a bath. Why play the Beatles when they can play Flock of Seagulls?

Same story here in Chicago where they let a valuable franchise get away for a format whose name describes its ratings – JACK.

But at least CBS radio had Imus.

Oops.

And this time they don’t have a year to replace him. They have to do it now. Not too many thirty year seasoned radio performers with large loyal audiences out there. I wonder if they have a call in to Ted Nugent.

And to add insult to injury and Asians, two hilarious disc jockeys from another CBS station in New York were suspended for broadcasting a six minute crank call to a Chinese restaurant that was filled with ethnic and sexual slurs. Inspired stuff like “flied lice”. Oh, and not only did the station air it – they REPLAYED it.

CBS radio is in dire straights. I feel somewhat bad that I’m the cause of it. Of course I feel worse that there was not one letter of complaint when WCBS let me go.

I suppose if they hired me back that might break the curse. Getting better management and putting WCBS-FM back on the air might help too. Honestly, if I were CBS I would go with those last two suggestions first. It seems the other nine radio stations that fired my sorry ass during my checkered career didn’t suffer any ill effects. In fact, they’re doing better than CBS-TV. Hmmmmm?

More Keaton on Frasier

Hello from sunny Chicago,

Yes, David and I did write this episode. What makes it so significant for us is that David Angell was supposed to write it. But then came 9/11. We were honored that Casey & Lee chose us.

Here are two more clips that answer the question -- was he for real or a scam artist?

Michael Keaton on Frasier

David Isaacs and I wrote the FRASIER episode where Michael Keaton guested as Lilith's con artist brother. This time he returns paralyzed, now a Born Again minister. Frasier's not buying it.

Whole Foods

Hello from Evanston, Ill. where we're visiting our Northwestern attending daughter, Annie. I've asked her to be my guest blogger today. Here's a piece she wrote last year. Not to get overly sentimental but as her father, I couldn't be more proud.

Today’s Rant: Whole Foods

I must admit that I’m not sure what I hate more: the institution of Whole Foods itself or the religious Whole Foods shoppers. Thus I feel it necessary to examine each.

Despite the fact that I single-handedly keep “Splenda” in business, I am in no way opposed to organic, natural products. What I am opposed to is (a) the idea that everything at whole foods is in some way healthier, and (b) charging an arm and a leg because they’ve written eight lines of BS about all the oh-so-healthy things in their products. This stuff isn’t that damn good for you! I understand that there are no preservatives in pure sugar, but it is still sugar! I could drink a bag of all natural sugar-cane, and I’d still develop diabetes. Oooooh, its oh-so natural. Well I got news for you Whole Foods, I’ll take a couple preservatives if it means that I’ll still have enough money to buy groceries in two weeks.

And there are the idiots, the former hippies. The ones who pick up a $20 loaf of bread because it has fibers from the Hicabutusism tree in West Africa, where little magical all-natural fairies plow the soil until the perfect grain is achieved. Get a grip, people. Wonderbread has little magical fairies too, they’re call sweat-shop workers!

Plus, there are the people who will subscribe to anything with “free” written somewhere on the package, and by that I’m obviously not referring to the price. Gluton-free, Carb-free, Nutrion-free. Didn’t Billy Preston teach you that “nothing from nothing leaves nothing?” I believe that these “free” packages should really mention what is going into the product so that you can lose a little bit of Extiohydrosis, or whatever the hell they come up with. If it were up to me, the labels would read a little more like this: “Organic, wheat-free, TONS OF FAT” Though I think that beating the delusional shoppers over the head with the item itself might be a better option.

And for hippies, these people are pretty aggressive with their carts. Knocking people off at the pass to make sure they get their “extra squishy tofu” and their Extihydrosis-free crackers. Weren’t you people fighting against capitalism or was that just a figment of my imagination?

Annie

Weekend recommendations

As I wing to Chicago for the weekend, here are a few entertainment suggestions.

Not sure if it’s playing in your city but if so, check out a lovely romantic comedy called THE VALET. It’s a French movie, and you know the lines are genuinely funny when they get big laughs just from reading them. The writer/director is Francis Veber, who also did THE DINNER GAME and THE CLOSET. He’s kind of like the Woody Allen of France but didn’t marry his step-daughter. The premise is simple and funny – a billionaire (Daniel Auteuil -- pictured -- in his 4 billionth French movie) is photographed with his supermodel mistress. In order to salvage his marriage he tries to convince his wife that the other guy who just happened to be in the picture was the supermodel’s real boyfriend. That guy, a schleppy parking valet gets to spend a month living with the supermodel. Along the way there are many laughs, very funny quirky characters, and an intelligence you rarely find in US Hollywood studio factory romantic comedies. No pratfalls. No one falls into a bucket of urine. No one’s toupee flies off when someone farts. However, I hear the Farrelly brothers have optioned it for an American remake so expect all of those improvements as well as used condoms and a few retards.

I know I’m late jumping on the bandwagon, but if you haven’t seen DEXTER on Showtime you’re missing a thoroughly engrossing show. If you’re going to welcome one sociopath into your living room every week, make it Dexter. (I've only seen a few episodes so please, no spoiler comments.)

Showtime is starting to gain on HBO in the interesting original series race. They’ve come a long way since FAT ACTRESS. (Let’s hope there’s not a FAT ACTRESS 2 with Valerie Bertonelli.)

A good new book out is THE TRIGGER EPISODE by Tom Straw . It’s a mystery set in the world of sitcoms. It moves like a shot and has a lot of funny moments. Tom Straw is a veteran of sitcoms having survived both Bret Butler and Bill Cosby. So for him this must be his SLAUGHTERHOUSE FIVE.

A terrific kick-ass internet radio station is GREAT BIG RADIO. Good driving rock n’ roll from the last four decades. It’s what JACK thinks it is and is not.

Have a great weekend. Daily posts will continue during my getaway to the Hog Butcher of the World.

The Sitcom Room is sold out

Thanks to all of you who enrolled. We are now closed. There is
now a waiting list if you are still interested.

If you'd like to be on the waiting list, please use the registration form
at the Sitcom Room website.

Where it says "Your Comments," tell us you want to be on the waiting list. We WON'T charge your credit card, but we'll keep it on file. If we have a cancellation, we'll contact the first person on the list to see if they want to grab the open spot. Then we'll move down to the second person, etc.

For those who signed up, get ready for a very cool weekend. And thanks again.