Travel Tips for winter

Traveling is a nightmare anyway, but during the winter it gets even worse. But fear not, blog faithful. Here are some suggestions for winter air travel:

Check the weather forecast. If it’s not 72 degrees and clear EVERYWHERE in the United States, reschedule.

Do not call the airline for a weather update. You’ll learn it’s cool and overcast in New Delhi.

Allow two hours before the flight, ten hours for the tarmac, two hours for the unscheduled fuel stop, and two hours to retrieve your luggage. And if you’re flying from LA to San Francisco, 45 minutes for the flight itself.

If you print your ticket on one of those self-help stations realize that the chances of it working are the same as five cherries coming up on a slot machine.

Best to print your ticket at home the night before along with the flight schedules of every other airline going to your destination, airport shuttle schedules, Amtrak schedules, and the 1-800 numbers for Ramada, Holiday Inn, Hilton, Marriott, Quality Inn, Best Western, and the YMCA.

Never turn in your rental car until it’s the final boarding call on your flight.

Never fly to, from, or around Chicago.

Always use skycaps. And if you choose to ever see your luggage again, tip.

Remember: “the white zones are for assholes in SUV’s only”.

You are allowed several little three-ounce bottles of something but not one three-and-a-half-ounce bottle of the same thing.

You might want to put that Astroglide into a nondescript little bottle.

Don't book connecting flights in the winter, even in Hawaii.

Don't buy furniture off the Sky Mall.

Don’t have children if you plan on flying anytime in the next fifteen years. Even if it’s one trip.

If they announce they’re overbooked and are looking for volunteers to take a later plane for free trips take it. The flight is going to be cancelled anyway. And you’ll have a jump at getting reservations at the airport Hilton.

Have your laptop, ipod, cellphone, iphone, Gameboy, Blackberry, camcorder, transistor radio, electric razor, hand held fan, and pacemaker fully charged. Ten hours on the tarmac is a long time.

Upgrade.

Before you get on the flight take Airbourne, water, Xanex, Oscillococcinum, Clariton, Ambien, and tequila.

Fake a limp so you can pre-board and guarantee there will be room in the overhead compartments for your stuff.

Bring your own DVD’s, music selection, food, blankets, pillows, reading light, water, magazines, newspapers, coffee, toilet paper. And just to be on the safe side, your own oxygen masks and floatation devices.

But it’s not a good time to catch up on the first season of LOST.

Play the drinking game. Take a swig every time you hear “we apologize for the inconvenience”. Not recommended for those unwilling to get completely shitfaced.

Drinking game #2: “We thank you for your patience.”

Don’t kid yourself. EVERYONE is flying “stand by”.

The scary part used to be the landing. Now it’s pushing off from the gate.

Beware of free WIFI hotspots in airport terminals. Hackers use these to break into your computer. Not a joke.

It’s quieter and smoother in the front of the plane. And screw what they say, if you’re in Coach and you want to use the bathroom go to the ones in First Class.

And finally, always remember: it’s NEVER the airlines' fault. It’s the weather, air traffic controllers, mechanical problems, baggage handler strike, FAA rules, homeland security, airport restrictions, lawmakers, the billy goat curse, lunar eclipses, and most of all -- the media.

This is a re-post from six years ago.  Unfortunately, nothing's changed.

Product Placement '50s style

Product placement is hardly new. Back in the '50s sponsors were incorporating their products into shows on a regular basis. Here's an example from MAKE ROOM FOR DADDY starring Danny Thomas. Notice how artfully they work in the commercial. If you weren't paying strict attention, why, you'd never even know.

Friday Questions

Well, tonight’s the night. I debut on TCM this evening hosting the Neil Simon film festival. 8 PM in the east, 5 PM in the west. THE ODD COUPLE, THE OUT OF TOWNERS, and COME BLOW YOUR HORN tonight. I haven’t seen any of my intros so I can only hope I don’t come off like Ralph Kramden selling “Chef of the Future” kitchen widgets on TV.

In the meantime, how about some Friday Questions?

Becky has a pair – a twofer on the 2nd.

I've heard that acting drunk is a difficult skill to master. Some of the best I've seen are Jenna Fischer on The Office and Dick Van Dyke. Who are your fave boozers a la screen?

It is hard because most actors make the mistake of playing fall down drunk – staggering around, slurring their words, etc. There used to be a comedian named Foster Brooks whose entire act was doing this. He was very funny but it was the ‘60s when there was much less sensitivity to those who had alcohol-related issues.

The key to playing funny drunk is having the character play against it. They’re trying to appear that they’re not intoxicated and telltale signs only leak out.

The actors you mentioned would be high on my list too along with Shelley Long. David Isaacs and I wrote a first season episode of CHEERS called “Truce or Consequences” where Carla gets Diane sloshed. Shelley played it so Diane never lost her dignity despite being in an unfamiliar inebriated state. It’s one of my favorite episodes and it’s all because of Shelley.

I just started a writing job (in a very different field than TV/ Movies) and am terrified every day that I'm a fraud. Did you ever feel this way and if so, how did you fake (and ultimately develop) your writing confidence? My sponsor says vodka is not an option.

Becky, here’s the dirty little secret – ALL writers are terrified that they’re frauds. And worse, they’ll be exposed for the frauds they are. So you’re in good company. You just have to suppress it.

Experience helps a lot. Knowing how to deal with certain writing problems because you’ve encountered them before instills a confidence that you can overcome hurdles.

Positive feedback is also very helpful. It’s comforting to know you’re on the right track.

But at the end of the day it’s the struggle between believing in yourself vs. your insecurity. And you just have to fight through it.

The good news is that most of us are not frauds.

Scott asks:

Is it okay for a writer to recycle his own ideas, even if they were already used on another series or film? Is there an ethical problem with it? For example, a friend has a 16mm print of a 1960s series titled HEY LANDLORD. The episode in question, written by Garry Marshall and Jerry Belson, was recycled over a decade later on LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY, even to the point of carrying over a lot of the dialogue. If it's your script (and in this case I believe it was Marshall and Belson's series), is there a problem with reusing parts of it elsewhere, even if you're just reusing a few of the jokes?

As long as the writer is recycling his OWN material I see no problem with it. Especially if the material was first used in a project that is now no longer distributed. I’ve heard Broadway composers talk about reusing songs they wrote for shows that died quick deaths. But again, the key is that you are the author.

You mentioned Jerry Belson. He was one of the funniest people I have ever met in my life. He and partner Garry also created the TV version of THE ODD COUPLE. On CHEERS, Jerry came in once a week to help us punch up scripts. He’d usually contribute one or two of the best jokes of the show.

A couple of times though, he pitched a joke, and when the Charles Brothers didn’t put it in Jerry would say, “Hey, it got a big laugh on THE ODD COUPLE.” We all would say, “Jerry, why would you pitch a joke from another show?” to which he would answer with a twinkle, “What’s gone before is good too.”

Also on CHEERS – there were times when good jokes were cut for time and we’d put them in later scripts. The cast would say, “Hey, didn’t we do this joke?” We had to remind them that it never aired.

I have to admit, I’m currently writing a play and I included a joke I first wrote for an episode of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW in 1976. If MeTV ever starts airing THE TONY RANDALL SHOW I’m fucked.

And finally, from Tim Rifenburg:

In an episode of Cheers they had Robert Urich as a guest star when Woody was trying to be an actor. Since they kept mentioning Spenser For Hire and Urich's role in it, I was wondering if there was any push back from the Network. I know they aired it but I was wondering if there was any concern about promoting another network's show. It made sense from a story point since Spenser did some filming and pick ups in and around the Boston area.

There was a time when you were never allowed to mention a show from another network. Same with products. You could never identify a competitive product. It always had to be “Brand X.”

I think the lines got blurred because of late night talk shows. Johnny Carson would talk about NBC and eventually their competition. Guests who were in series on one network would go on competing networks to plug their movies.

And when networks wanted to show sports highlights they had to credit the network that aired the event originally.  So you heard "CBS" on NBC and vice versa. 

Eventually all networks relaxed the restriction. Yes, we sort of plugged an ABC show but somewhere down the line an ABC show plugged an NBC series.

Audiences also got more savvy. It’s like, who are they kidding with Brand X? Or that a show is on “another” network. We all know what that network is. Why not just say it?

What’s your question? Hope you’ll join me tonight on… that certain cable network that shows movies uncut and commercial free.

My New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year!

Here are my New Year’s resolutions:

Host movies on TCM. 

Finally watch THE WIRE.

Get ALMOST PERFECT on Netflix or Hulu.

Go to the gym at least twice a week. (My gym is usually packed in January and by March it’s me and two other guys.)

Stay off the 405 freeway when it’s crowded (so only take it between 2-4 AM).

Visit my friend in Walla Walla.

Get more productions of A OR B?

Meet Claire Danes.

Learn to do an accent in my improv class.

Direct more episodes that my daughter and her partner write.

See a Broadway show I wish I had written.

Go somewhere in the world I've never been.

Recover from the jet lag.

Watch and listen to as much Vin Scully as I possibly can.

Finish writing my new play.

Learn what half the features on my car are.

Not piss off the North Koreans.

Continue to support the WGA’s Foundation.

Give DOWNTON ABBEY one final chance.

Champion strict gun control.

Get a humor piece in the NEW YORKER.

Get a cartoon in the NEW YORKER.

Avoid the incredibly tasty fried chicken wings at the Hamburger Hamlet (now that it has reopened).

Keep Tetris playing down to three hours a day.

Answer more Friday Questions (which I'll be able to do if I keep the previous resolution).

Clean my desk (a perennial resolution but this year for sure!)

And finally, solve the Natalie Wood case.

Let's see how many I keep.  What are your resolutions?

May 2015 be for you what 2014 was for...

Jimmy Fallon, Matthew McConaughey, Stephen Colbert, Corey Kluber, Cory Schneider, FARGO, Daft Punk, WALKING DEAD, Jason Robert Brown, the San Francisco Giants, ALL THE WAY, Iggy Azalea, Mike Trout, Lorde, 12 YEARS A SLAVE, Neil Patrick Harris, Lorenzo Cain, Cate Blanchett, Kevin Durant, Louis C.K., Aaron Paul, Sidney Crosby, Caleb Johnson, Jared Leto, FROZEN, Luke Kuechly, Gail Mancuso, Clayton Kershaw (until October), Madison Bumgarner (in October), Julianna Margulies, Jessie Mueller, The San Antonio Spurs, the Duggars, Lena Hall, Chris Pratt, Greg Popovich, Red States, Lupita Nyong’o, Sophie Okonedo, Idina Menzel, UConn Huskies, Kacey Musgraves, Jose Abreu, Ansel Elgort, A GENTLEMAN’S GUIDE TO LOVE AND MURDER, Goren Dragic, Sarah Silverman, Sam Smith, Giancarlo Stanton, BREAKING BAD, the Los Angeles Kings, Tina Fey (it’s always Tina Fey), Michael Carter-Willams, Mark Rylance, Meghan Trainor, Craig Wayne Boyd, Peyton Manning, MODERN FAMILY, Julia Louise Dreyfus, Alfonso Ribeiro & Witney Carson, Jacob deGrom, Benedict Cumberbatch, Jamal Crawford, Audra MacDonald, the Florida State Seminoles, Transformers, the Seattle Seahawks, Anna Gunn, Vince Gilligan, FKA twigs, HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH, Bryan Cranston (it’s always Bryan Cranston), James Monroe Iglehart, the Kansas City Royals, and me for having blog readers like you.

Happy New Year!

INTO THE WOODS -- My review

This is a rave review for a movie that a lot of people didn’t like. It’s based on a musical I loved that a lot of people didn’t like. The music was composed by a genius who leaves a lot of people cold. Such is the magic and mixed reviews of INTO THE WOODS.

Here are the two biggest complaints I hear: 1) It’s too long. 2)  It's too short.  (They cut stuff out.)

Several songs from the musical were absent from the movie (notably the reprise of “Agony”) but a Broadway production can last 2 ½ hours or more. And there’s an intermission. Gone are the days that a motion picture features an intermission. (Gone with the wind) So trims had to be made. Composer Stephen Sondheim wrote an original song for the movie and even that got tossed. There goes the Oscar.

The length issue usually stems from the second act suddenly turning very dark. If you’re not on board with that creative choice you’re in for a squirmy forty minutes.

SIDEBAR: In the musical, act one ends with everyone seemingly living happily ever after. Act two spins all that on its ear. When the musical was first tried out in San Diego, people thought the end of the first act was the end of the show. Sondheim himself had to go out to the parking lot every night and tell people to come back, there was more.

Sondheim’s music is intricate and I have to say that for me, personally, there are times when I’m awestruck by his work and other times I want to yell at the stage or screen “Stop trying to be so fucking cute and clever!” And then a song like “No One Is Alone” comes along and he tears my heart out.

In the case of the movie version of INTO THE WOODS, none of the basic complaints bothered me. I knew the story going in, I knew most of the songs going in, so those weren’t concerns.

But I had my own trepidations before seeing the film. I always hate that studios insist movie stars be cast in musicals, even if they’re not as good or as right as the Broadway cast. Clint Eastwood in PAINT YOUR WAGON for godsakes! Russell Crowe in LES MIS? And I saw that Meryl Streep was playing the witch. Of course she was. Hollywood thinks Meryl Streep can just do anything. Who cares if she can sing? But you know what? She can sing. Beautifully. And she found just the right tone of humor and heartbreak. She made every moment work. Damn her. She CAN do anything.

The rest of the cast was equally sparkling. Emily Blunt – wow. Anna Kendrick – give me her over Anne Hathaway. James Corden – what the hell is he doing giving up a movie career that’s about to take off to do a late night talk show on CBS? Chris Pine – a pleasant musical comedy surprise. Tracey Ullman – another one who can do anything. The only sour note for me was Johnny Depp. What happened to that guy? He used to be a great actor. Now he’s become a cartoon. At least Christopher Walken waited until he was old to become a caricature.

The other concern I always have going into film adaptations of musicals is how weird it sounds when people on screen just break into song. On the stage there is a certain theatricality that allows you to buy it, but the harsh reality of being in the real world in movies often turns the film into COP ROCK. The badass Sharks and Jets singing show tunes and pirouetting in WEST SIDE STORY looked ridiculous.

But since INTO THE WOODS is set in a fantasy world, the singing felt organic. I bought it. And the fact that I love the songs themselves also helped I’m sure.

I find the storyline brilliant. There is so much underneath the clever narrative about parenting and relationships and abandonment. Witches can be right. Giants can be good.

Rob Marshall, who did an amazing job of adapting CHICAGO for the screen, was the perfect director for this project. And James Lapine, who wrote the libretto did the screenplay. What a concept – letting the writer who understands the material the best write the movie.

So I loved the film.  And I recommend it... to people predisposed to love it too. 

And more proof that life is real and not a fairy tale: This is a Disney movie and they had some issues with certain story points and songs. Even the great Stephen Sondheim got studio notes.

TOP FIVE -- my review

Everyone is saying that Chris Rock’s new movie TOP FIVE is his ANNIE HALL. It’s actually his ANNIE HALL meets STARDUST MEMORIES. A grown up romantic comedy with incisive observations, lots of laughs, and a lead character whose central problem is that he’s a comic who wants to be taken seriously. Not the most universal dilemma. I’m sure if someone else (who wasn’t a bankable movie actor and studio favorite) wrote this it would remain forever on the BLACK LIST pile of great unproduced screenplays.

TOP FIVE not a perfect movie. It’s a little long and at times repetitious. But on the whole it’s a huge step forward for Rock as an artist, writer, and director.

But here’s why it’s number one in my TOP FIVE comedies of the year – the laughs come from CHARACTER. They come out of ATTITUDE. They’re grounded in REALITY. What a pleasure after all the R-Rated stupid, implausible, loud, forced, immature, schticky unfunny yuckfests that Hollywood currently pawns off as comedies. How refreshing that the protagonist isn’t some slothy man-child acting like he’s 13 stuck in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. “Duuuuuude!”

Why is Hollywood so afraid to make these kinds of smart adult comedies anymore? I know they’re slavishly pandering to teenagers but do they really think that little of them that they can only laugh at Seth Rogen vomiting on himself? Do they think Millineals will flee the theater en masse if there is a scene of two adults walking down the street just talking?

Chris Rock is very funny in this movie… when he wants to be. But there are times he doesn’t. And those moments work too. In fact, some of them work better. And he’s surrounded himself with a great supporting cast. Cedric the Entertainer KILLS. Kevin Hart rocks. Jerry Seinfeld is hilarious. Tracy Morgan delivers. Adam Sandler is even funny for the first time in ten years. And DMX steals the picture.

The only weak link for me was Rosario Dawson as his love interest. Again, personal taste, but I just don’t get it.

TOP FIVE is very satiric. It skewers Hollywood film-making, reality television, and our pop culture society. But it also speaks to relationships, battling personal demons, and finding meaning in your life and work. The existential issue isn't the fraternity next door is too loud. 

Warning: the language is a little blue. Yes, the movie is sort of like ANNIE HALL if Jews said “motherfucker” every five words.

Critics are absolutely ga-ga over TOP FIVE, which is fine except they might create unrealistic expectations. No, it is not a masterpiece. But in today’s landscape, a comedy that is genuinely funny even SOME of the time is considered one.

Go see TOP FIVE.  Even the North Koreans agree it's better than THE INTERVIEW.

Tomorrow:  Another movie review.  Hey, they're all coming out at the same time.

Neil Simon (and me) on TCM

Here's the info from the TCM website on the Neil Simon Film Festival that begins this Friday.  Just click here.   There will be 17 Neil Simon movies shown the month of January, hosted by your intrepid blogger/Simon fanboy.   Join me for the laughs and factoids.

Trailer moments

When you go in and pitch a comedy idea to a movie studio, they’ll usually ask you, “What are the trailer moments?” Sometimes they’ll ask this in lieu of, “What is the story?” But studio comedies are all about boxoffice. High-concept ideas, bankable stars, sequels, franchises.

Some studio people will tell you (but deny it) that sometimes the trailer is more important than the film.

Nancy Meyers makes trailers and then just pads the remaining 89 minutes with filler.

My writing partner and I were once hired to write some jokes expressly to be inserted into a trailer. It was maybe the greatest and shortest gig we ever had. We asked, if the jokes work, will you put them in the movie itself?  No.

When you watch comedy trailers, be aware – these are the funniest moments in the film. These are the big pratfalls (trailer makers LOVE pratfalls), the best zingers, and what they hope will be the most memorable moments. Or, in the case of Nancy Meyers, the only moments.

So if the trailer isn’t funny, if the jokes are forced, if the physical stunts are lame, if the best they could do was a gag about shit on Katherine Heigl’s face, then you can bet the movie will be what’s on Katherine Heigl’s face.

But what if the trailer is funny? Knowing that these are the best jokes, you may wonder if it’s still worth seeing because you know all the highlights? Here’s the amazing thing. The laughs in the trailer get the biggest laughs in the theater, even though most of the audience has been exposed to the jokes already. It's bizarre. 

However, the same does not hold true for giving away plot twists in the trailer. Spoiler alerts might not apply for jokes but they sure do for stories. And as a general rule, if you can set up the premise easily and clearly in a trailer, then you don’t need thirty minutes of screen time to do the same thing.

Trailers today have become an art… and a science. The amount of creativity and research that goes into previews is staggering. I can’t imagine J.D. Salinger ever went to his editor with a new book he intended to write and heard the editor say, “What are five good blurbs?” But that’s the current feature world. So when you pitch your comedy, make sure someone gets hit in the nuts, at least two people are humiliated, people dance to a 60s hit, the punchline to a joke is “vagina”, and you feature Betty White. Close your sale, and then go write STALAG 17.

This is a repost while I celebrate the holidays.

How did we handle drinking on CHEERS

Does anybody read the Friday Questions in the archive?  Here's a repost of some from four years ago.  The answers mostly still apply.

Lairbo is up first.

On CHEERS, I can recall few, if any, scenes of someone actually being drunk at the bar. Were there rules or guidelines about this? If so, were they from the network or the creators?

I think everyone (the Charles Brothers, Jim Burrows, NBC, Paramount) were in agreement that the drinking had to be handled responsibly. No one ever drove home drunk. There were a few cases where cabs were called for homeward bound patrons.

The conceit with Norm was that he could hold his liquor. So we never played him drunk or with impaired judgment.

I want to say we never got laughs out of drunks at the bar but there was Al. A case can be made that he was just punch drunk, not alcohol drunk, but he sure acted like a tosspot.

Sam of course, was a former alcoholic and the message was delivered many times that you don’t solve your problems by drinking. And that goes for egg nog, by the way. The benefit people got from going to the CHEERS bar was the camaraderie and support they gained from each other. Remember, the theme is “where everyone knows your name” not “where fifty dollars will get you shit-faced”.

From RockGolf:

Which IQ is easier to write for: smart or dumb? And which do networks prefer?

Both have their plusses. It’s “easier” I suppose to write dumb characters, but smart characters allow you to write with sophistication, and I personally prefer that. Anyone can write morons; it takes a certain skill to service witty, truly intelligent characters.

But I can’t stress this enough: play every character to the top of their intelligence, regardless of their IQ. I’ve said this before, but the best dimwits are the ones who are dumb for a legitimate reason. Coach was hit in the head by too many fastballs. Woody was a naïve country boy. There’s a logic to everything they said. It’s just not the correct logic.

Networks prefer any show that gets ratings. If it’s FRASIER, fine. If it’s HEE HAW, also fine.

Kevin asks:

Ken, You've talked about not liking it when the director of Volunteers broke the fourth wall. What do you think about the practice of putting an "inside" joke into a sitcom? For instance, How I Met Your Mother has done it at least twice: Barney recreating the end of Doogie Howser in one show and recently when Jorge Garcia shouted out the "Lost" numbers in an episode. Even Frasier did it once when Laurie Metcalf as Nanny G asked Fraiser how he'd feel playing the same role for 20 years. For the joke to work, the audience has to know the reference, which can be a big risk.

Inside jokes are tricky. They can be great little rewards for fans who are really paying attention. Or your close friends, or eighth grade teacher that you want to rip.  But you have to be careful that the audience doesn't feel excluded because there are too many references they don’t get.

Personally, I like inside jokes. Always have. I loved in HIS GIRL FRIDAY that Cary Grant makes mention of an Archie Leach (which was his real name). And he describes Roz Russell’s fiancée as looking like the actor Ralph Bellamy (Ralph Bellamy actually played the part of the fiancée).

I’ve slipped in my fair share of inside jokes. But the trick is to hide them so they go right by the general audience. It’s comedy camouflage. But never do an inside joke at the expense of a bigger joke that everyone would get. You’re doing a show for millions of people, not just your eight friends (unless you’re on NBC at 10:30).

And finally, from Debby G:

You're taking an improv class? Just for fun or to help your writing or because you see a job at The Groundlings in your future? Once you became an established writer, did you still take classes, read how-to books, etc.? Or did you feel you'd advanced beyond those things?

I’m taking it mostly for fun but also to keep sharpening my skills, in the same way that professional golfers still take lessons. I have no aspirations of performing in an improv group or becoming an actor, but learning how to create characters and even more importantly, commit to them helps me as a writer.

Plus, it’s a hell of a lot of fun.

I’m in a class taught by Andy Goldberg. Most class members are improv veterans so it’s primarily a group of enormously talented people (and me) essentially having a jam session.

Did I mention it’s great great fun?

Friday Questions

Friday Questions to scan on your smart phone as you wait in line to return yesterday’s gifts:

Barry Traylor starts us off:

I have been binge watching the episodes of MASH with Harry Morgan as Col. Sherman T. Potter. I am old enough to remember him from Dragnet but I really love him as Col. Potter on MASH. What was he like to work with?

A dream. Had the ability to read a scene once and have it memorized. Could do take after take and give the same great performance.  Always on time.  Always prepared.  Could play any emotion.  Had perfect comic timing.  The consummate pro.

And he always had such great stories. Before television Harry did hundreds of movies. Mention any major Hollywood star and he would have four stories – usually hilarious. Spencer Tracy, Gary Cooper, Elvis – he worked with them all.

Just last week I saw some old movie on TV starring Joan Crawford (she seems to be a recurring theme in the blog this week) where she played a maniacal Broadway diva (big stretch for her) and Harry had a large role playing opposite her. My first thought was, “Damn! I wish I had known about this earlier. Oooooh, the stories Harry must’ve had.”

The last time I saw Harry it was at a local restaurant. It had been years since we’d seen each other. But he remembered my name instantly and at 89 or 90 still had a vice-like handshake.

It was an honor and a joy to know him. How nice that his work will continue to be enjoyed and appreciated long after his passing.

Texas Annie wonders:

How do you create decent comedy in these days of political correctness, trigger warnings, advancing narratives and backlash?

I try to ignore all of that. As long as my comedy doesn’t intentionally try to hurt someone and is not grossly inappropriate for the audience I’m targeting, I just try to write the funniest and sharpest material I can, knowing full well that some people will always be offended. The trolls will resurface as sure as day. So I expect it.

And it doesn’t even have to be a charged issue. I could make the most innocuous joke about orange juice and someone will write in furious because their uncle once choked on a glass of orange juice and I’m an insensitive asshole.

But I keep going back to that great Larry Gelbart quote:

If you write something that doesn’t offend anybody, go back and do it over.

-30- has a radio-related question:

In your multi-station radio career, you never seemed to be the morning man or did I not read the posts closely? It would seem like the comedian should be on in the AM, not 10 at night. Please explain.

Because I had a “youthful” voice, stations always put me in the evening “teen” timeslot. But you’re right. If they were smart they would have assigned me to mornings.

EXCEPT – when I was at K100 in Los Angeles. When I did nights the morning man there was Robert W. Morgan. On my best day I couldn’t carry that man’s headphones.

Truth be told, I never relished getting up at 3:30 every morning. Your life just becomes trying to catch up on sleep. Still, the money was better and the audience was bigger in morning drive. Had I been asked, I’m sure I would have done it (except at K100). Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten fired as often. Unless I slept through my alarm too many mornings.

And finally, from Hamid:

What's your favorite show or movie that Ted Danson has done outside of Cheers and Becker? Mine is Three Men and a Baby, but I also have a soft spot for Loch Ness, a very underrated film.

BODY HEAT, a steamy movie from 1981. Ted plays a tap dancing District Attorney and is hilarious. It’s also my favorite Kathleen Turner movie, but for different reasons.

What’s your Friday Question?

A Mommy Dearest Merry Christmas to you all

May your family have as wonderful a Christmas as Joan Crawford's.

A Great Big Radio Special

Tired of Christmas music even though it's not Christmas yet?  Or... do you miss the year 1975?

Well here's the place for you.

GREAT BIG RADIO, one of the internet's BEST radio stations, is saluting the Golden Year 1975 now through the end of New Year's Eve.  You'll hear the news, commercials, radio airchecks, and all the music that made 1975 the middle of that decade. 

Relive such treasured memories as...

The Watergate assholes were convicted.

WHEEL OF FORTUNE premiered.

CAA was formed.

The Thrilla in Manilla happened.

Australian television switched to color (a little late, don'tcha think?)

UCLA won the NCAA basketball championship.

Microsoft was founded.

The Vietnam War ended.  (Remember when wars ended?)

Levine & Isaacs sold their first script.

Carlton Fisk hit his home run. 

Beaver Cleaver did weekends on B100 San Diego.

THE PRICE IS RIGHT expanded to an hour. 

THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW was released, immediately causing weekend insomnia.

And Lyme Disease was first discovered.  

So join Howard Hoffman as he turns back the clock to 1975 and grows an afro again.   He's kicking it off live at 3 PM Pacific, 6 PM Eastern.

Just click here.

When NOT to take down your Christmas decorations

I assume your Christmas decorations are up.  It's Christmas Eve.  And Merry Christmas Eve, by the way.   But the question is always:  when should you take them down? 

This is my friend Kevin’s house in the residential San Fernando Valley. He’s Jewish but loves to celebrate the colors and lights of the season. This tradition began (as most things do) because his girlfriend at the time really loved Christmas decorations.

There’s not another house on his block even remotely as elaborate. I bet you can see Kevin's house from space.

Most people take down their Christmas decorations after the first of the year. Certainly by Memorial Day.

But I guess if you take them down earlier you face dire consequences.

A couple of years ago Kevin made the mistake of striking his on December 26. This caused an absolute shitstorm with his neighbors. Their wrath knew no seasonal bounds. Kevin’s house was egged, he was left threatening notes, and people he didn’t even know called to scream at him.

But the coup de grace was this: His neighbor from across the street, who he never talks to and has no relationship with whatsoever, called him.

KEVIN: Hello.

TINA: Kevin, this is Tina from across the street. WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!

KEVIN: Excuse me?

TINA: Why did you take down your Christmas decorations? Are you INSANE?

KEVIN: Um, Christmas is over.

TINA: Yes, but I have a big New Year’s Eve party every year and one of the big attractions is that everybody likes to look at your decorations. And now you’ve RUINED MY PARTY!

I mean, how do you possibly respond to that other than sending invitations for their next New Year’s Eve bash to the Hells Angels?

Now to review: Out of the goodness of his heart (the girlfriend has long since moved on to Tiger Woods or whomever) Kevin puts up the decorations on his own time and at his own expense.

And this is how he’s rewarded.

Kevin, I wouldn’t entirely take down your holiday decorations this year. I would remove all the lights and the big snow globe like you normally do but I would hire a Department Store Santa to sit on your front porch with a fucking bazooka. A few blasts from Rudolph the Red Nose Rocket Launcher and by God, your neighbors will once again rekindle that holy spirit of Christmas.

But wait -- there's more.  

Last year there was a power outage in his neighborhood and all the neighbors blamed HIM.  His decorations overloaded the system.    More angry emails and calls.  Then it was discovered that (a) it was a grid problem miles away, and (b) Kevin uses his own generator.   So again, nice way to thank somebody for providing enjoyment for YOU.

May you have a wonderful Christmas Eve... unless you live on Kevin's block.  

How the Sony hacking has impacted its employees

Here's another side of the whole Sony crisis -- the impact leaked data will have on its unfortunate employees.   A good friend of mine was personally involved.  Here is his account.  Let it serve as an eye-opener and warning to anyone else who also could be affected.   Not a lot of humor in today's post but it's something you should read.  Thanks again to my friend for sharing this valuable information.  

There has been a lot written about the Sony breach lately, some of it factual, some of it comical (see SNL’s cold open on Saturday). But all the news can basically fall into one of 3 categories: 1. The hack of Sony, apparently by the North Koreans. 2. Sony’s lack of regard for data security, which is damningly apparent by Sony’s own emails, which were revealed by the hacks. 3. The unsung victims of the hack, whose private information has forever been revealed. While anyone can see humor in #1, as one member of the group of unsung victims, making fun of our plight is really unnecessary.

My spouse and I have always been aware of the need to keep private information private and we practice what we preach. My spouse, however, is a former Sony employee and, at one time or another, 6 people’s social security numbers (5 + my spouse) were provided to Sony for the purpose of their life and/or health insurance benefits. My spouse was nowhere near being included on the list of highest Sony earners that was one of the earliest releases by the hackers.

When my spouse left Sony, there was no need for Sony to keep any of their beneficiary information. Sony did so. Sony could have and should have encrypted all current and former employee data and keep it off the normal network and on a more secure network. It is apparent Sony did not follow state of the art practice regarding data security. Sony has had multiple breaches, including their PlayStation network in 2010 and a breach, which may have been a dry run, of a network in Brazil earlier this year. Regardless as to whether this was a foreign government, a really smart 11th grader or the Second Coming who hacked Sony, Sony’s data security practices point to negligence.

What has this meant for us? We have changed every login and password. We have put “two-step” verification on everything we could. Still, hackers have attempted to get into two of our accounts on multiple occasions; we know this because the two-step authentication was activated. We have evidence that social security numbers have been stolen, sold and are being used.

Sony’s answer to all of this is to provide us with AllClearID, for free, for 12 months. AllClearID has told us we are safe; however, we spent hundreds of dollars on Lifelock and that has painted a different story. We believe this will play out over years, not months. For every Sony employee who had minor children as beneficiaries, those kids “virgin” social security numbers are valuable because it will be years until fraud might be detected. What is Sony doing for the real victims – the people who had no control over their data and who were just showing up and doing a job to help one of the premier entertainment companies earn profits – in the long term? We look forward to finding out answers.

So please – make fun of Kim Jong-Un all you want, but understand that some of your friends and neighbors are unwitting victims and if they are smart, they are doing everything they can to protect themselves.

My thoughts on the Sony crisis

Lots of you have asked my opinion, not that it matters, but here ya go.

First of all I thought it was a great story when they did it on THE GOOD WIFE two weeks before Sony was hacked.   Yet another reason why it's the best show on television.

As for all the ramifications of the North Korean’s hacking Sony and pressuring them to cancel the release of THE INTERVIEW, like I said on Twitter -- the North Koreans had no problem with EXPENDABLES 3?

Look, Sony was between a rock and hard place. They cancel the release and people say they’re caving to terrorists and we need to protect our First Amendment rights. But were they to release the film and one person got injured at a theater people would be screaming that Sony only cared about profits and not the well-being of the public.

President Obama said they should have called him first. Really? You can just do that? Call the president when you have a problem? What’s his number? Maybe he can get ALMOST PERFECT finally released on Netflix.

I’m curious as to what our government’s appropriate response will be. Get Carrie Mathison out of Afghanistan and put her on the next plane to Korea.

There have been some in the industry who have ripped the media for reporting all the dishy email exchanges. They make very valid points – it’s an infringement on privacy, nothing illegal was exposed, etc. But still – come on. There are entire industries built on airing Hollywood’s dirty laundry. The public loves that shit. And always has. If Scott Rudin calls Angelina Jolie a "spoiled brat" news outlets are going to run with it.  Most of the time Hollywood feeds these media outlets themselves. They can’t claim “Any publicity is good publicity” and also say “Our affairs are nobody’s business.”

And while we’re on that subject, Amy Pascal really needs to use spellcheck.

As these events unfold day after day I can’t help but scratch my head and think – this is all over some shitty Seth Rogen comedy?

North Korea might be behind it, but they had some help. This was clearly an inside job. Somebody who knew where all the bodies were buried. Has there been a Sony employee who got docked for punching in late one day?

Am I the only one who noticed the GUARDIANS OF PEACE go by GOP?

Here in LA, even the billboards for THE INTERVIEW are hastily coming down. God forbid the North Koreans see on spy satellite that the billboard is still up on La Brea and Venice Blvd. They might take military action.

Ultimately, somebody is going to take the fall for this fiasco. It could be Amy. Work on that spell check before you send out resumes.

To me, maybe the most disturbing aspect of this story is that George Clooney drafted a petition denouncing North Korea’s action. He circulated it to all the big stars, studio execs, agents, and pretty much anyone in power in Hollywood, enlisting their support.

No one would sign it. No one.

What a gutless industry. And then they’ll go on award shows and praise themselves for their courage and risk taking. They’ll wear pretty colored ribbons in support of “causes” they care so deeply about. Meanwhile, they’re terrified some nameless nebulous “evil doer” will think unfavorably of them. It’s like the movie FORCE MAJEURE. A husband tries to save himself over his family during an avalanche. That’s Hollywood except they race to save themselves at the first sight of snowflakes.

No one signed.

There are a lot of lessons to be learned from the Sony hacking. How to better protect computer systems, how to respond to cyberterrorism, how to cover stories like this, how to pay more attention to spelling, and when things get tough – how to run like hell away.

You can hear me on the radio

Just a reminder: I'll be on 100.3 THE SOUND in LA and on line at 6 PM PST and 9 PM EST, playing an eclectic selection of shit I like and telling stories (some of them true) about the songs and what they mean to me. 

Just go here and click on the "Listen Live" button.  It's a pretty cool station.  You very well may bookmark it. 

Again, not to over-hype it, but I play a Captain Beefheart song.  I KNOW you'll want to tune in for that.

Oh... and no Christmas music.

My Turn

Radio station 100.3 THE SOUND in LA has a very cool feature.  On Sunday nights at 6:00 they invite a guest DJ to come in for an hour and play whatever the hell he wants.  Tonight, it's me.

Since the station's format is Classic Rock I decided not to play my favorite marching band tunes, Gregorian chants, Osmond Brother favorites, or love songs from William Shatner.   What I am playing are cool songs from the '60s and stories about growing up in LA.  Kinda like the stuff I talk about in my book, THE ME GENERATION...BY ME (which you need to order now to be ready for Christmas).

Among the tasty selections I will be playing are songs by Love, the Rose Garden, Steppenwolf, the Beach Boys, the Doors, and OF COURSE Captain Beefheart.   Plus "Rubber Biscuits" by the Chips.

Plus, there's an added significance.  In the mid '70s I was a disc jockey on that station when it was K100 and I was Beaver Cleaver.   Since my radio stints usually ended with stories about being fired (see last Thursday), I of course have one for K100.  I walked into the station one day and the program director, Bill Watson, called me into his office and delicately couched it this way:  "Hey, babe, we're making some changes and you're one of 'em." 

So join me tonight if you can and Watson doesn't get to me first.  You just go here.  Then click the listen live button.  6 PM PST/9 PM EST... and everything else in between.  I have no idea what time that is in Bhutan.   

All I want for Christmas...

is Jews.

And the original (one of my favorite Xmas songs):

Friday Questions

Ho ho ho. Last Friday Questions before Xmas.

Mike starts us off with a (holiday) CHEERS question.

When did the Charles brothers step down as showrunners? I had been under the impression it was after season six, but Warren Littlefield, in "Top of the Rock," said they dialed back their involvement toward the end of season two, and were barely involved by the start of season three. I noticed a few other mistakes in that book, so this may be one of them. But I figured if anyone knew for sure the answer, it would be you.

Warren wrote a terrific book that I recommend, but no, his recollection in this case was not accurate. The Charles Brothers didn’t dial back their involvement until season six when the super-capable team of Peter Casey, David Lee, and David Angell took over. (Casey, Lee, and Angell went on to create WINGS and FRASIER.) Glen & Les still received outlines and were involved in the direction of the show. They came back and reclaimed the reins the final season.  And of course, they wrote the final episode with that wonderful last scene late at night in the bar with everybody reflecting on their lives. 

Judith wants to know.

I read today in the H'wood Reporter that Jean Smart was attached to a role in the NBC series, Mr. Robinson, but "opted to move on when the series was shifted from single-to multicam."

I'm not asking you to read Jean Smart's mind, but, just in general, why would a shift from single to multicam be a reason for an actor to exit a show?

Some actors don’t like having to perform every week in front of a live audience. In Ms. Smart’s case, she had done quite a bit of multi-cam and single-cam so I suppose she just prefers single.

But the dirty secret is, multi-cam is a much easier gig for actors. Five day production schedules. For three and sometimes four of those days you’re done by 5:00. Single camera shows often require actors to work punishing twelve or sometimes fifteen-hour days. For my money, there’s no contest. But I’m not an actor (by mutual agreement of the industry).

T Harris asks:

Do you think the mood you are in influence your enjoyment of a film or TV show? Years back I saw The Royal Tenenbaums in the theatre and HATED it. A short while ago, I saw it on TV and enjoyed it. Maybe I was just in a bad mood when I saw it in the theatre.   In a similar vein, I hated The Middle when it premiered and didn't watch again until recently. Now I think it's rather well made with decent acting by all.

Your mood is key. Dan O’Shannon talks a lot about that in his book, WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?   Imagine pitching a comedy pilot the day after 9-11.  David and I had that unenviable task and we actually sold it.   How good do jokes have to be to work that day? 

On the other hand...

When we were doing that series for Mary Tyler Moore we were supposed to shoot a show the night the Challenger exploded. We wondered whether we should postpone since the studio audience probably would not be in a mood to laugh. But we reasoned that by the evening they’d probably be so happy for a couple hours escape from the story that filming that night might be welcomed. (Okay, we also were told how much postponing a day would cost.) So we shot the show that night. The audience was dead. It was painful. And we had a funny show. And then it hit me. The show’s primary set was a newspaper bullpen. We had photos of news events that ringed the set. One of them was the Challenger. Ooops.

And finally, from Andrew Parker:

If you were doing BIG WAVE DAVE'S now, would you do it single cam or multi-cam?

Single-camera DEFINITELY. I think the show was hurt by not being able to show Hawaii. But back in those days every sitcom was multi-camera. We had a big fight with the network over the opening titles. CBS wanted us to do the quick ten second opening. We argued that to do a show about Hawaii and not at least see 30 seconds of Hawaii made no sense. They finally relented. Of course, they then cancelled us. But hey, we won that one.

What’s your Friday Question? Deliver it in the comments section.  You can't depend on Santa.