Jan Smithers went to my high school!

Glad to see that a lot of you enjoy my excerpts from the book I'm writing on growing up in LA in the 60s. Here's a little snippet from 1966.Our high school made national news!

The March 21st edition of Newsweek magazine did their big cover story on “The Teenagers – a Newsweek survey of what they’re really like” and a good portion of it focused on Taft High. The cover featured a pretty coed sitting on the back of a motorcycle glancing over her shoulder at the camera. That girl was Taft senior, Jan Smithers. Jan, of course, would go to play Bailey on WKRP IN CINCINNATI.

The survey determined that there was in fact this so-called “Generation Gap” (who knew???). And it’s widened because the older generation is resistant to listening to and understanding us. Whatever. Taft was mentioned! And our very own Jan was selected as the cover girl!

For five minutes she was the absolute star of the school, eclipsing even the football star, and the girl who played a rape victim on BEN CASEY.

The cover itself was very telling. Yes, we were rebellious, yes we rode motorcycles but they were cute little motorcycles with drivers who wore jean jackets and California golden girls on the back who wore sweaters and white slacks. Hardly Brando in THE WILD ONE.

DH in HD

Coincidental with the broadcast stations dropping their analog signals I finally got an HD-TV. What took me so long? It wasn’t the price, it was the weight. My previous TV was a huge Sony Trinitron that got as good a non-HD picture as you could get… and it weighed a fucking ton. Recently one of those big chain stores offered great prices, free delivery and installation, and here was the kicker – they would take away your old TV. I’d sell it or donate it but no one from the Jewish Council of Women was going to show up with a crane.

Buying one of these HD suckers introduced me to a whole new world of confusion. LCD vs. Plasma? Response time? 1081 or some other number? LCD vs. LED? Sony or Samsung or Fuzijurutakiaki? Number of pixels. Energy savers. How black are the blacks? Generic cables or Monster brand cables? 4’ or 6’ or 120’? Every time the sales person would explain something I’d nod and say, “but you’ll pick up the old TV, right?”

I finally settled on one, had to wait ten days for it to be promptly delivered. And they made the mistake of only sending two guys instead of ten. How heavy was that old Sony? The two installers looked like the burly delivery guys in the Miller Beer commercials. Just sliding the TV out of the cabinet and setting it on the ground almost gave both a hernia. But eventually they set up the new one and wheeled the old meteor out. There was nothing in the news about any freeway bridges collapsing so I guess they arrived at their final destination.

I was sooo thrilled to see it go.

Once I finally turned on the new one I couldn’t believe I lived this long without it. And for the last few days I’ve been watching anything that’s on as long it’s in HD. Give me a documentary on carbon dating with shots of the Muir Woods and I’m there! MLB-TV replayed game seven of the 2008 ALCS. I watched eight innings even though I knew who won. And was rooting for the other team.

It’s like when I was a kid and our family finally got a color TV. And by color I mean faces looked purple and everything else was bright green and red. But it was a revelation. For days we all just camped in front of that thing watching whatever was in color. I sat mesmerized at the Osmond family singing on the ANDY WILLIAMS SHOW. “Wow! Look at those blue sweaters they’re wearing! This is the greatest entertainment EVER!”

So it was with that mindset that I turned on HBO-HD a couple of nights ago to watch LIVE FREE: DIE HARD. I figured, this is going to be fun. I loved the original DIE HARD, it’s an action movie – okay Bruce Willis is too old for this by twenty years – but the visuals alone should be eye-popping enough to warrant my time.

WRONG!!

What an unbelievable piece of shit. Maybe the single stupidest action movie of all-time. Who knew you could hack into someone’s computer on-line and blow it up? And that’s just in the first ten minutes. The stunts were so off-the-charts absurd that a Road Runner cartoon was stark realism by comparison.

And then there’s Bruce. Superman in a suit of indestructible titanium armor couldn’t survive the falls and crashes and explosions that Bruce weathered with relative ease. Sure, he suffered a few minor bruises and his back stiffened the way it might if someone his age reached down to pick up a penny without flexing his knees first. Otherwise, he’s hitching a ride on a moving F-35, beating the shit out of a woman while in a truck suspended precariously in an elevator shaft, and flying a helicopter after maybe one lesson.

Television was an amazing invention; color television, a startling advance: and high-definition, an absolute wonder. But the technology has not been invented nor ever will that would make LIVE FREE: DIE HARD be worth sitting through. As I slogged through this mess I kept wondering, is there anything in the world that could kill Bruce in this movie? And then it hit me. Yes! My old TV could fall on him.

Suddenly I longed for that old Sony.

The 2009 Tony Awards

Sorry I missed the Tony awards. There were a lot of performers I directed at one time or another. Neil Patrick Harris, Allison Janney, David Hyde Pierce, Kristin Chenoweth, Lauren Graham, Chris Siebert, and even if he wasn’t there – Nathan Lane. Not that any of them thanked me last night… or even won.

However, my brilliant but twisted daughter Annie and her writing partner, Brock Wilbur did watch and file this year's review. And if you were part of the 99% of America who didn’t watch the show either, no problem. You’ll still get some solid laughs. More than if I would've written it.

The problem with the Tony Awards: If you care about them, you’re probably there.

But it was a great show. One of the best in years.

It opened with a montage of performances from the year’s best musical nominees. The very first lines were sung by Elton John. Or so we assume? Sound problems plagued the show, and entire songs were inaudible. However, movie stars and rock musicians were deemed important enough to deserve working microphones. Case in point being the next performer: Brett Michaels and Poison. Does it count as hair metal if you need a toupee? The song was from “Rock of Ages”, and they were surrounded by Broadway’s version of 1980’s Sunset Strip hair-metal groupies; girls vastly more talented than real groupies because they can dance WITHOUT a pole.

They were then joined on stage by Shrek, Liza Minnelli, and the cast of “Hair”. Coincidentally, it’s the premise of our new sitcom pilot. Except they all run a pizza place.

Neil Patrick Harris, in a display of kindness, restricted his opening monologue to three minutes. Later, he closed the show with one of the best performances of the night, making it totally worth the five minutes he took from your local news. His parody of “Tonight” cleverly working in all the winners and suggesting a blowjob will get you a Golden Globe is why the Tonys remain the class of the award shows.

All of the ads were either for anti-depressants or anti-arthritis medication. We wonder who the target audience is. We’re getting sort of depressed just thinking about it…maybe we need some Cymbalta…

Lauren Graham and Oliver Platt introduced “Sit Down, You’re Rocking The Boat” by providing a plot synopsis of “Guys & Dolls”. Is it conceivable that someone would be watching the Tonys, but wouldn’t know “Guys & Dolls”?

Why is Maria in West Side Story always played by the whitest woman ever, while Anita is always played by a Carmen Miranda look-alike?

If your name is mentioned, you should probably smile. Odds are, the camera is about to pan your way. We’re talking to you, James Gandolfini.

Annie’s favorite part: Chris Sieber dancing on his knees as King Farquaad in Shrek. He should have won.

Brock’s favorite part: When Mullet-Douche from Rock of Ages gave Liza Minnelli a lap dance. Nobody won.

Poor Liza. She was so excited to have a microphone and her gay community that they practically needed a tranquilizer gun to get her off the stage.

Concern over Frank Langella lacking self-esteem was laid to rest, as he berated the Tony committee for his missing nomination.

Carrie Fischer was just happy to have escaped the hospital for the night. When did she go from the princess in the gold bikini to Jabba the Hutt?

Alice Ripley’s acceptance speech for “Next to Normal” could have been touching, but she needs to work on her delivery. “INSPIRATIONAL WORDS” should rarely be shouted with the same force as “GIMME YOUR WALLET!”

Bebe Neuwirth introduced the “In Memorium” segment despite looking like a corpse herself. It’ll be quite a stretch to see her next Broadway role as Morticia Adams.

How cute are the three little Billy Elliots? What a touchingly innocent acceptance speech, cut short by the network playing them off. These magic momen—

“Hair” definitely deserved to win Best Revival after their performance. It was even enough to make James Gandolfini smile…At least I think he was smiling. It was hard to tell with the lead male’s crotch in his face.

How many members of the original cast of "Hair" are now bald???

Tonight’s show took time to feature performers from touring companies. The only suitable response to “Mama Mia!” was “Jesus Christ!” Decidedly not superstar. Later, they featured five Frankie Valli's from the five different productions of “Jersey Boys”. A fine concept, until they all started singing together, without the support of the other vocal parts. The resultant discord was less Broadway glamor and more drunken frat sing-along. But we were thrilled to see Andrew Rannells up there (from dad’s yet-to-be-a-hit musical the 60s Project)! Hopefully next year he’ll be up there as a nominee (Andrew, not dad. Well, dad too, but more Andrew.).

It used to be that the offstage announcer occasionally dropped in a Tony fact or two. Now there are more statistics on the Tonys than the competing NBA Finals. Randy Thomas did great and never got confused. Not once did she say, “Angela Lansbury is 4 for 9 from the charity stripe”.

Congratulations to all of the winners, nominees and performers. It was a GREAT show. Standing ovation!

Thanks again to Annie Levine & Brock Wilbur.

Stay tuned for the Tonys

Since I am covering the Dodgers-Phillies game tonight and they’re not showing the Tony Awards on the Diamondvision board (despite the fan outcry) I won’t be able to review them. But I have a guest blogger who will!! It will be posted shortly.

That’s right. The Tony Awards are tonight. And they’re on television. CBS even. Let this be the year you watch them.

Okay, I'm weird but everybody is weird

I've been tagged. Challenged to list five of my weird habits. The real challenge is to hold it down to five.

1) In a restaurant, theatre, or any public place I can’t be seated anywhere near a child. This made it very difficult when I had my own small children. It’s not that I don’t love kids. I just love them more when they’re locked away in your home.

2) I don’t like anyone looking over my shoulder when I’m writing, be it a script, email, or love letters to Jessica Alba or Sandy Koufax.

3) I listen to 60s music when I write. And this includes radio station jingles from the era and Joanie Sommers Pepsi commercials. I love Joanie Sommers.

4) I can’t watch an old black and white movie from the 30’s or 40’s without thinking “everyone I’m looking at is dead”. Not that this spoils my enjoyment.

5) I go through breakfast phases. I eat the same thing every day for a couple of years and then switch. Currently it’s macadamia nuts and raisins. If I ever switch to Lucky Charms get “old Betsy” off the wall and shoot me.

6) I have no blood so I always dress warm. Stop making fun of Cosby for wearing those sweaters. They look cool.

7) I'm afraid if I install any computer program I'm going to hit the wrong button and crash every computer on the planet. I call this Y2Ken.

8) As a former disc jockey, I still talk-up records in my car. Right up to the vocal. I’m a master at this. It’s maybe my greatest skill…which is unfortunate since it’s also utterly useless. KHJ Boss Radio is not coming back anytime soon.

9) I can't leave a baseball game until it's over. This quirk has served me well since I go on the air after every Dodger game.

10) I watch HOUSE and believe I have whatever mystery ailment the patient of the week has. My doctor then assures me that bleeding out of my eyes is normal, just drink a glass of water.

Okay, so what are some of yours?

CHEERS: Boys in the Bar

I'd put the first year of CHEERS up against the best year of any sitcom. Here's one David and I wrote for that year called BOYS IN THE BAR. We won a WGA award, a GLAAD award, and were nominated for an Emmy for it. Taken from the headlines when former Dodger player Glenn Burke announced that he was gay, it concerns small minded thinking and stereotypes. When Sam publicly supports his ex-roommate who comes out of the closet the Cheers patrons worry that the bar will go gay. Here's the full behind-the-scenes story of that episode. And here's the episode.

Richard Burton and Jack Elam offered the same part

It's Friday Question time:

From Chris Andelman:

My question is about writing episodes for guest actors. Do you ever sign them first and then write with them in mind?

Yes, but not always. The CHEERS staff had an idea for a character they thought would be great for John Cleese. He liked the idea and agreed to played it. Peter Casey & David Lee then wrote a brilliant script.

When my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote the Tonight Show episode of CHEERS we had Johnny Carson going in. We kind of insisted on it.

A hot show will attract hotter guest stars. The Zeitgeist Factor is huge. Britney Spears did a HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER. I doubt they could have gotten her for ACCORDING TO JIM. Julia Roberts did FRIENDS. We couldn’t get Iron Eyes Cody for AfterMASH.

It always helps to hear the actor’s voice in your head as you write but most times you’re not afforded that luxury. You write a character and hope it will attract a big name.

In the first year of CHEERS David Lloyd wrote a wonderful episode called “The Spy Who Came In For a Cold One”. It’s about a larger-than-life figure who comes into the bar. Richard Burton had just done an episode of SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN (I think he and Lee Majors were friends) so we thought, “Let’s get him.” Burton passed. I forget who came up with this brainstorm but we then offered the part to Jack Elam. He was that terrific character actor with the wandering eye who always played scruffy characters, usually killers in westerns. I’m sure it’s the first time the same role had ever been offered to Richard Burton and Jack Elam. Elam passed. And we wound up with Ellis Raab, a rather flamboyant theatrical actor – who couldn’t have been more dissimilar to either Burton or Elam.













For the “Hot Rocks” episode of CHEERS, David and I thought we had Celtics’ star, Larry Bird. So we concocted a story where Rebecca thought he stole her earrings. Bird then dropped out. So we went with the next logical choice -- Admiral William J. Crowe, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

But if I had to break it down I'd guess you go to the guest star before you write the script 70% of the time. Maybe 71%

From Adrian:

Was hit with a question and wasn't sure how to answer it when they asked "sure it sounds funny, but what's the comic depth of the sitcom?" I'd love to answer that but I keep getting different takes on what exactly "comic depth" means. Can you help define it?

First off, I hate it when people say “Sure, it sounds funny”, or “Yeah, it’s funny but…” Do they have any idea how hard it is to MAKE something funny? “Yeah, you replaced six of his vital organs but…” So right away I want to smack those people. “Comic depth” sounds like one of those actor terms like “emotional center” or “total being”. There’s no such thing. It's bullshit. A better question might be where’s the reality of the joke? The best jokes come from relatable behavior that could plausibly happen.

That’s not to say the behavior can’t be extreme. Just justify it. Characters who are desperate or under tremendous pressure or are love sick (just to name a few examples) will do wacky things, irrational things, unpredictable things. But you buy it if you know exactly what has driven them to such extremes.

My other explanation is that “comic depth” is 2 feet 6 inches.

What’s your question?

Great minds or great memories?

Oops! Received this comment from blog faithful Doug McEwan:

"Raiders of the Lost AARP"

A perfect example of my point two columns back, that sometimes two brilliant minds will come up with the same joke independently, that it's not always a steal, because Tallulah used "Raiders of the Lost AARP" several times over on her blog back when the film came out a year ago.

Great Minds and all that.

Yes, it is very possible for two people to independently come up with the same joke or premise or subject for a painting. I just recently learned that Cezanne wasn’t the only artist to paint fruit. And in the case of “Lost AARP” that’s partly the case. It would be entirely the case if I hadn’t read Tallulah’s blog (she has a new piece that’s a riot, by the way). I had consciously forgotten it but my brain’s komedy kloset apparently did not. So, sorry about that Tallulah. And little Dougie.

This is why when I review award shows I always try to post them as soon as I can. Other reviews may tread on similar comic ground and I want to cover myself that I came up with the jokes myself and didn’t lift them from other sources.

But the greatest story of inadvertently stealing someone else’s material comes from singer/songwriter, Neil Sedaka. Neil is an incredibly talented musician. His performing career spans fifty years and he has written hundreds of hit songs including “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” and “Love Will Keep Us Together”. Neil was part of that Brill Building collection of superstar songwriters in the early 60s that included Carole King and Bacharach & David.

One day while noodling at the piano he came up with an incredible melody. He was ecstatic. This was the best melody he ever wrote. He quickly rounded up some musicians to do a demo. This was going to be a sure-fire smash.

The excited musicians gathered for the session, Neil proudly played the melody and they looked at him dumfounded. One had to gently remind him that that was Gershwin’s “Our Love Is Here To Stay”. I’m sure, like me, a red-faced Sedaka said…

Oops!

Hollywood in crisis! People no longer buying crap!

Hollywood is baffled. DVD sales are down. 18%, which is significant. How could this be the bewildered industry wonders? Especially since boxoffice figures are up 10%.

Is it the economy?

Do people like to “experience” entertainment so that’s why they like actually going to movies or concerts?

Is Netflix to blame? Or movies on demand?

The Writers Guild Strike? (Hollywood believes the WGA is the cause for all crises including Global Warming and the swine flu.)

So why are studios in such a panic if more people are going to the cineplex? Because they make windfall profits on DVD sales. And here’s the best part – they don’t have to account for them!

Boxoffice numbers are made public almost immediately, but Hollywood can easily hide the income totals derived from DVD sales. It’s the same reason the Mafia was so into the juke box business. Who’s to say how many coins were dropped into those slots? All the better to skim, and in the case of Hollywood, not pay proper royalties to writers, directors, and actors.

Does your heart break for the major studios yet?

And here’s the real terrifying thing for them – bad movies are the ones that are no longer selling.

In years past even the poorly reviewed boxoffice flops would bring in DVD bucks. Kevin Costner films left the shelves. But a curious thing has happened. People stopped buying crap. Even though they both did well theatrically, IRON MAN had brisk DVD sales while the new Indiana Jones RAIDERS OF THE LOST AARP tanked. HANCOCK flopped while WALL-E flourished. Both had nice boxoffice paydays.

You can see why the moguls are popping Lexapro out of Pez dispensers. Gone is their margin for error. Now they must – God forbid – make GOOD movies. And the problem here is that they have no clue how to do that. They can’t just hedge their bets anymore by greenlighting expensive Raider sequels or casting Will Smith.

Art house films aren’t doing well either but that shouldn’t be a surprise. You don’t buy Blu-Ray players and build tricked-out home entertainment centers to watch THE READER in surround sound.

At first it was real exciting to own DVD’s. Imagine, having your favorite films right there in your home! You can watch VOLUNTEERS anytime you want! But eventually the novelty wore off. I think it was the release of SPEED RACER that pushed the public over the edge.

So what does Tinsel Town do? Get even more cautious and gravitate even more towards safe commercial fare (MARLEY AND ME AND SOMEONE ELSE?). Still no guarantee. They could make better movies but that’s just crazy talk so let’s move on. No, I think Hollywood will find a solution.

They’ll just invent a new format. That’ll give them ten good years before people stop buying KUNG FU PANDA 9 and HD mini-chip sales drop 18%. But by then they’ll all be in Hawaii and it will be your problem. Covet that copy of MANNEQUIN 2. It may someday be obsolete.

the happy ending

Yesterday I told you about losing a radio gig because my “friend” stole my material. Now flash forward four years. I’m writing on MASH and doing a Saturday night disc jockey show on KTNQ (Ten-Q) in Los Angeles. Yes, I finally got to be on the radio in my own hometown. The station wasn’t in a high rise, it was in an abandoned mortuary in Koreatown but still!

I’m on the air for about six months when I get a call on the station hot line. It’s Rick Carroll, who was the program director of KKDJ. He asked if I remembered being thrown out of his office. I said, “Yes, I still have the tic.” He went on to say he owed me a big apology. He had been listening to me every week on Ten-Q and clearly his DJ, Bobby had stolen the material from me, not the other way around. It was a lovely gesture on his part and I appreciated it greatly.

The truth is, the only way I could get respect in radio was by leaving it. Before I became a writer I was always being told by my program directors to stop trying to do schtick. Just shut up and play the damn records. I can’t tell you how many memos I got insisting I was not remotely funny.

And then a strange thing happened. I sold a couple of scripts, quit radio full-time, and suddenly I was a comic genius. My content was fresh and original and hilarious.

It was the same schtick. In some cases the exact same jokes.

The point is this: don’t let other people tell you you’re not funny. What the hell do they know? Yes, your material and/or delivery might need a bit of polish, but the first step to success is believing in yourself. All you gotta do is find one person who likes you. Then the ones who didn’t will start going around telling people they “discovered” you. Trust me, it’s a beautiful thing not to take their calls.

Stealing jokes

If there’s one thing that all writers and comedians hate it’s people stealing their material. It’s certainly an occupational hazard but there should be a place in hell for those who steal jokes. You can shovel coal for all eternity with Milton Berle. I’ve had it happen to me on numerous occasions but none more egregious than this:

In the mid 70s I was an all-night disc jockey in San Bernardino. Trying to be funny every three minutes for the eight 7-11 night managers and half of them were probably tied up in the back. My dream was to someday be on the radio in LA, my hometown. Considering my voice I always figured it was a longshot. Meanwhile, one of my college campus radio buddies rocketed up the radio ladder of success and was a jock on KKDJ, the first top 40 FM station in Los Angeles. Their studios were in a skyscraper in Hollywood and their studio looked out over the entire city. This WAS the big time! I heard through the grapevine that there was an opening for weekend all-nights (clearly the worst shift in broadcast history). Still, for me it was the brass ring, primetime, and the pimp spot all rolled into one. Just think, I’d be talking to 7-11 night managers in Downey and City of Industry!

I called my friend (we’ll call him “Bobby”) and asked if he’d arrange a meeting with the program director, Rick Carroll. He did and I got a appointment the following day. When I got off the air that morning I took a bunch a tapes of recent shows and cobbled together an audition tape, featuring some of my best lines of the week.

I caught an hour’s sleep, put on my only decent clothes, and barreled up to Los Angeles. Rick Carroll ushered me into his office, we had some charming chit chat, and then he said, “So let’s see what you sound like.” He put on my tape and after two sets turned off the recorder. He turned to me and said, “Are you fucking crazy?” “Wha?” I was stunned. He continued: “How can you come into my office and give me a tape and steal all of Bobby’s material?” Now I was flabbergasted. “But it’s not… this is my stuff” I pleaded. Cutting to the chase he threw me out of his office.

I ran to a phone to call Bobby. Oh, he was apologetic. He was such a fan he used to listen to me in the middle of the night and subconsciously he guessed, he “borrowed” my material without realizing it.

Yeah. Right. It was an “homage”.

Then tell Rick Carroll the truth, I said. Well, that he didn’t want to do because he thought it might jeopardize his job.

He and I are not close today.

So I didn’t get the job and at the time thought I had missed my only opportunity to ever be on the radio in Los Angeles.

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. Tell you tomorrow.

Writing problem: what to do if you get stuck?

This happens often as you write your script or novel. You come to a point where you think you’ve written yourself into a corner. A plot point requires something and you just can’t get there. Wait a minute, he can’t swim to safety; he’s in a wheelchair. Exactly how is she going to get to the Pope to sell him Girl Scout cookies?

This is one of the benefits of a being in a partnership – sometimes he can solve it.

But when working alone, here are four handy tips:

First, don’t be afraid to go back. Yes, you spent an hour on the last page and there’s a great joke about renal failure but if it drops you off at a dead end replace it with something that works. Once you have it you’ll probably be able to make up for lost time and more.

So now that you’ve freed yourself, let your mind wander. Come at the problem from different angles. What if he doesn’t get drunk? What if she gets drunk instead? What if he kills the cable repairman tomorrow and not today (right away that makes more sense because the cable repairman is always a day late)? Way too often we get stuck thinking there’s only one way to solve a problem. There’s not. On LOST once there was some crisis and the solution was to “move the island”. Now that’s not the first thing you normally think of. Look for other options. They’re out there.

Second, go past it if you can. If it’s a joke you just can’t find, stick a pin in it and move on. Do the heavy lifting first and then come. It’s a lot easier to tackle the problem when you know it’s the final thing you need to do. But I say “if you can” because if the issue is a major plot point or character definition it’s usually better to solve it now. You don’t want to have to go back and rewrite six pages before the problem and then sixty pages after the problem once you’ve solved it. Or that could just be me. However, long speeches, specific jokes, finding the perfect paragraph to describe a setting – save that crap for later.

Third. Don’t panic. You’ll get it. It might not be in five minutes but you will. My partner and I always joke when we come to a bump that “that’s it. A thirty year career comes to end because we can’t figure how to get Daphne out of the room.” Yes, it’s frustrating but you’re a writer. You welcome pain.

And finally, just walk away. Take a break. Do anything else but write. For some this is hard. They don’t like to stop until they’ve finished a scene or a certain number of pages or ZACK & CODY comes on. But it’s okay to stop in the middle of a scene, the middle of a speech, the middle of a word. Clear your head. Go for a walk. Go see a movie. Go to bed. Let your subconscious mull over the dilemma. It will, trust me. Many times I’ll go to sleep with a pad and pen by my bed. In the morning the solution is somehow there. I also do a lot of problem solving in the shower. It’s hard to read back later because the pad is wet, but letting your mind drift while you’re in a relaxed state often unlocks the lock.

Let me show you an example. I don’t really know how to end this post. So for now I’m ju

Tonight on FAILURE THEATER...

Back in the 70’s and 80’s we had “Failure Theatre” Networks would air their unsold pilots. Here are just a few. Some are included because they’re particularly wacky, others are intriguing, and a few sound downright great.

A DOG’S LIFE – People dressed as dogs. Starring Barney Martin (SEINFELD) and Charles Martin Smith (AMERICAN GRAFFITI). No actors were injured in the making of this pilot.

DUFFY – A dog with human qualities. Dogs were in back then. I guess penguins are the new dogs.

DINER – Barry Levinson who wrote and directed the movie, wrote and directed the pilot as well. With Paul Reiser and James Spader (BOSTON LEGAL).

ETHEL IS AN ELEPHANT – MR. ED with very wide master shots. Starring Todd Sussman who, during that period, starred in fifteen or twenty failed pilots. Ethel’s career never recovered from this project.

THE FESS PARKER SHOW – The man who played Davy Crockett starred in a comedy.

FRANKIE & ANNETTE: SECOND TIME AROUND – You loved them in the Beach Party movies and wondered how long could they remain a couple before they finally had sex? According to this pilot, twelve years and counting.

FRAUD SQUAD – from Jack Webb productions. Frank Sinatra Jr. as the head of the LAPD Fraud Squad. Not intended to be a comedy but ohhh mannn…

FROM CLEVELAND – Featuring Bob & Ray and the brilliant cast of SCTV.

GHOST OF A CHANCE – Shelley Long, pre-CHEERS, as a zany ghost.

GOOBER & THE TRUCKERS’ PARADISE – The title alone should have warranted a pick-up. This is a spin-off of THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW and marks the very first appearance of Gomer Pyle.

GOOD PENNY – Billed as a comedy about an emotionally disturbed woman (that must’ve been a helluva pitch). Well cast with Rene Taylor in the starring role.

GREAT DAY – another premise chock full of comedic possibilities. Skid row derelicts in Los Angeles. Featured Al Molinaro (HAPPY DAYS) and as “Jabbo “– Spo-De-Odee.

HARRY’S BATTLES – Dick Van Dyke and Connie Stevens did not have the magic of Dick and Mary Tyler Moore, or even Dick and Hope Lange.

HIGH SCHOOL USA – After his “Garden Party-take-me-seriously-as-an-artist” period Rick Nelson starred as the principal in a series that featured a ton of 50’s and 60’s family sitcom cast members including Harriet Nelson, Jerry Mathers, Ken Osmond, Paul Peterson, Dick York, and Barbara Billingsley. Also Crystal Bernard (WINGS) who must’ve been 9 then.

HOW TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS WITHOUT REALLY TRYING – Adaptation of the Broadway smash. Written by Abe Burrows. NOT directed by James Burrows.

HUMAN FEELINGS – Billy Crystal playing an angel.

IF I LOVED YOU AM I TRAPPED FOREVER? Not only is that a great title, it was written by Larry Gelbart (MASH, TOOTSIE, OH GOD). This is one I’d really like to see.

KANGAROO IN THE KITCHEN – A Greenwich Village apartment overrun with animals. To me the real show would have been the poor people in the apartment directly below.

LOVEBIRDS – Eugene Levy in a sitcom.

ME & MRS. C. – Another comic goldmine premise: A widow living on Social Security. Starred Doris Roberts (EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND).

MR. & MRS. DRACULA – After 618 years of marriage they move to America. Bats out of water. Written by Robert Klane (WHERE’S PAPA, WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S) so it was probably damn funny.

NEWMAN’S DRUGSTORE – A Brooklyn diner during the Depression. God, I’d love to go in to Fox and pitch that today.

OFF CAMPUS – Coed rooming house starring Marilu Henner (TAXI) written by Marshall Brickman (ANNIE HALL, JERSEY BOYS). This is one of about seventy college dorm/sorority/coed rooming house pilots done during that era. Another one featured Michelle Pheiffer.

SITCOM – A spoof of the genre, following the Gooseberry family. Created by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses (THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, BUFFALO BILL). I read this script. HILARIOUS! And while we’re on the subject of Tom & Jay…

THE CHOPPED LIVER BROTHERS – Patchett & Tarses wrote and starred as two struggling stand-up comics. Add 50 years to them and you have…

THE SUNSHINE BOYS – Neil Simon wrote the pilot from his play, this time starring Red Buttons and Lionel Stander. I wonder if the network gave him notes.

I’m sorry but I would rather see any of these over the schlock reality shows that are being jammed down our gullets this summer. WIPE OUT???!! Don't the promos alone make you cringe? Bring back “Failure Theatre”!

I love this music video

It's from the 60s. There was a primetime show on ABC called SHINDIG. Primarily, it was a rock n' roll variety show. Here are the Hondells singing their big hit "Little Honda". Except that... they're riding Vespas. And watch what the girls do halfway through the song. This is a safety message you want to be sending to kids. God, we were gullible back then.

Inside info about FRASIER

First off, thanks so much to all of you who took the time to write in yesterday. WOW! I'm really blown away. If you haven't weighed in yet, I'd love to hear from you.

One feature that seems popular is the Friday questions. When I don't have the answer I try to go to the person who does. In this case, David Lee, one of the creators/executive producers/writers/directors of FRASIER. Thanks, David!

Dhppy asks:

I noticed the Frasier logo was always silver colored in it's final season. Was that designed to be a sign of it's platinum year or something to that effect?

As far as I recall, silver was chosen for the final year because it was one of the only colors left. It may have had some special significance as I don't remember using a metallic color before. Not sure. Changing colors every year was decided early on because when we watched CHEERS in syndication we found ourselves often asking "Which season was that show?" We now have replaced that question with "Which season was orange?"

Dhppy also wants to know:

Was there ever talk of getting Jean Smart as a regular on Frasier?
Not really. We of course loved her, but we found on FRASIER that it was better just to leave things open no matter how terrific the actor, so that if a story arc ran its course we could wrap it up rather than be stuck "servicing" an actor week after week . We did this over the years several times with terrific actresses since Frasier was always finding a woman of whom he thought "this time I think she's really the one" only to have it turn out badly.

Thanks again, David. What's your question?

3,000,000 and counting

It’s just a number and it’s not even accurate but according to my site counter I will hit 3,000,000 visitors this week. There are also RSS feeds, feedburners, and other ways that people access this blog that don’t show up in the stats so I’m told the actual number is significantly higher. I still have no clue how any of this works. I'd have an easier time comprehending the Theory of Relativity than Widgets.

But I do want to take this opportunity to thank all 3,000,000+ of you. I’ve been writing this nonsense for 3 1/2 years, almost 1500 posts. This blog fulfills a dream – to do a ton of writing for absolutely no profit.

Still, these milestones serve as a great excuse to ask you guys to write to me today. Especially new readers, lurkers, and AMERICAN IDOL finalists. Let me know where you’re from, how long you’ve been here, how you found the blog, and any thoughts of what you do or don’t like. I do pay attention to the feedback. You’ll notice I have not reviewed STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP in over two years. All I ask is you leave a name.

This has been a labor of love. And I can’t tell you how many great people I’ve met as a result of this folly. So to paraphrase the airlines: “I know you have a choice of 7,846,935,833,8563 blogs, thanks for reading mine.”

And thanks in advance for leaving a comment.

Shake-up at ABC

It’s not just Fox. ABC just let their SVP of Comedy go. Samie Falvey is being replaced presumably by Kevin Plunkett who runs comedy for their studio. I’ve had the pleasure of working with Kevin and he’s terrific. Not that he’ll ever buy anything from me but he’s a great choice.

Cliff Clavin explains Yorkshire pudding

Bonus Friday question: Dana Gabbard asks:

Maybe you could give us a peek at the legal process a script goes through. I know from reading the Making of Star Trek that someone researches whether a character's name is too similiar to an actual person who has the same profession as the character, etc.

There are a couple of research firm that comb through scripts to identify possible legal problems and double-check facts. You mention Hitler and they’ll say, “Former German dictator”, stuff like that.

One time on CHEERS we had a run where Cliff explained the derivation of Yorkshire pudding. The research person called me (since I co-wrote the episode) asking where I got that information. She had been researching it for two days and couldn’t confirm our claim. I said a waitress at Lawry’s Prime Rib restaurant told me. The researcher was apoplectic. “You can’t go with historical information based on hearsay from a waitress!” I reminded her it was Cliff telling the story. Who gives a shit if he’s right? She hung up satisfied.

My other research firm story is not so amusing. When my partner, David Isaacs and I were creating the MARY show for Mary Tyler Moore in 1985 we set the series in a Chicago newspaper. We gave the research firm a list of about twenty newspaper names. They came back with five or six that had cleared. We selected the Chicago Post. We filmed the pilot and then David went to Chicago to supervise the filming of our opening credit (yes, we even had opening credits back then). We had posters on the side of buses showing Mary.

At 9:00 the next morning I get a call from a gentleman who said he just saw a bus go by and was very concerned. He was the editor of the Chicago Post. I picked my jaw off the floor and said I’d have to get back to him. I then called Chicago information and sure enough there was the Chicago Post. The research firm had fucked up BIG TIME! MTM contacted him and was willing to arrange a settlement for use of the name.

Fortunately, the words Chicago Post were nowhere in the newsroom set. But the Post editor figured we’d have to reshoot the whole pilot at a cost of several million so he really had us over a barrel. He asked for a fortune. MTM countered with a very fair offer. He said they were bluffing. They gave him a deadline. He didn’t bite. We became the CHICAGO EAGLE. It cost a few hundred dollars to loop Eagle for Post in dialogue and a few thousand to reshoot the bus shots in Chicago. Far less than it would have cost had we settled. FAR less. But can you imagine the hassle? All because the research firm (who we fired, you’d be surprised to learn) didn’t employ as one of their resources the damn phone book.

Comedies are BACK!! Kinda. Sorta.

Yesterday I presented a general overview of this year's series pick-ups. Today let's focus on comedy (since drama is the same doctor shows/lawyer shows/cop shows/sci fi shows/procedurals/and spin-offs of the above with names of cities tacked onto the title).

ABC’s MODERN FAMILY is getting good buzz. Advertisers found it “flat out hilarious”. I’m not quite sure Don Draper would know a great comedy but still, it’s encouraging. MODERN FAMILY is a mockumentary about three suburban families.

For ABC’s comedy night, all four entries feature actors who have already starred in at least one hit comedy – Kelsey Grammer, Patricia Heaton, Ed O’Neill and Courtney Cox. Yes, they're playing it safe but give them credit -- they could have gone with Alex Karras, Jeff Conaway, Susan Clark, and Fran Drescher.

FOX is being a little more chancy. Their midseason entry, BROTHERS stars Michael Strahan, whose previous acting experience was playing defensive end for the New York Giants.

Every year there seems to be two shows that are exactly the same. This year it’s COUGAR TOWN with Courtney Cox as an older woman dating a younger man and CBS’ ACCIDENTALLY ON PURPOSE starring Jenna Elfman as an older woman dating a younger man. I’m sure this was a wildly popular premise among women network executives.

In maybe the weirdest pick-up, FOX renewed ‘TIL DEATH for a full season. Last year it did so poorly that FOX yanked it off the schedule in November and there are still a ton of episodes that remain unaired on top of the 22 new episodes just ordered. As long as FOX never puts 'TIL DEATH back on its schedule it could go for ten more years.

Gone is ACCORDING TO JIM (there IS a God!) and SCRUBS will be back but Zach Braff will only appear in six episodes. The industry is now nicknaming it AfterSCRUBS. I have some AfterMASH scripts if they need them. Just change "Soon-Li" to "Elliot".

NBC, once a broadcasting network, will be shelving 30 ROCK until midseason. Uh, it wins the Emmy for Best Comedy every year. Wouldn’t you sort of want that show on the air? Watch. The minute their first new show tanks it’ll be back on the schedule. So I’m guessing October 1st.

My best wishes to all the writers of all these shows. Keep the torch lit. The foundation of television has always been comedy (whether they know it or not). In success it's Jed Clampett hitting oil. And now more than ever, boy do we need to laugh.

2009 Upfronts recap

The Upfronts are over, the smoke has cleared, and the final tally for fall pickups is 32 new scripted series – 21 dramas and 11 comedies. So percentage-wise, that’s 33% sitcoms. Clearly an improvement over past years but remember, NBC has officially thrown in the primetime towel and scheduled Jay Leno every weeknight at 10. There go two or three potential new nurse dramas (leaving us with only three).

A couple of the networks have given up on Saturday night completely, airing reruns of dramas rather than new product. (What a contrast to the 70s when CBS Saturday night was the biggest night of the week with ALL IN THE FAMILY, MASH, MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, BOB NEWHART SHOW, and CAROL BURNETT SHOW. Today it’s NCIS reruns.)

SAMANTHA WHO? would have been picked up but ABC insisted producers cut $500,000 off of each episode’s budget… thus making it SAMANTHA HOW? The producers declined. Too bad. It was a decent show.

A couple of shows switched networks. MY NAME IS EARL apparently will move to FOX (I'm waiting for final confirmation but TBS is also interested) and MEDIUM will join the CBS lineup. NBC wanted to give MEDIUM a smaller order so the producers happily jumped to CBS who offered more. And now of course NBC is saying the show under-performed and they didn’t want it anyway. Had the producers agreed to stay at NBC they’d be claiming it’s the crown jewel of the network.

Greg Garcia, creator of EARL, was hardly miffed over leaving NBC. His quote: "It’s hard to be too upset about being thrown off the Titanic."

Both CBS and ABC are trying to establish a comedy night on Wednesday.

CBS added one new comedy. ABC ordered four and FOX ordered four. FOX then fired their comedy development VP.

Then there are the two almost-networks. No comedies ordered by the CW and NBC picked up two. NBC also (barely) renewed CHUCK after producers agreed to some "tweaking". I imagine that means cut the budget. Instead of a 3-D episode they may be forced to do 2-D. And they've made a product placement deal with Subway. Sarah Walker will now work at a Subway sandwich shop (thus becoming the smartest person EVER to work at a Subway). Oh, and the show won't air until next March after the Olympics.

Watch for more product placement deals in the future. It's going to be just like the 50s with tobacco companies dictating creative directions.

But of course the big story is that out of these 32 new series, a whopping 20 are owned by the networks . The only network that actually ordered more shows from outside production companies than in-house was ABC. 7 of the 10 were not ABC productions. The rest of the networks (and NBC) just stocked up on more of the shows they themselves own. Were they the best shows under consideration? You’re expecting me to say no but the answer is – probably because they owned most of the pilots too.

Tomorrow I’ll delve into more specifics comedy-wise. This season’s trends, what has good buzz, surprises, and the show that got renewed despite being yanked off the air last November.

P.S. If you were away all weekend, check out my Saturday post on the Worst Songs of All-Time. Always looking for new candidates.