It's time for AMERICAN IDOL to say goodbye

As longtime readers of this blog know, for years a regular weekly feature was reviewing AMERICAN IDOL. I could usually count on at least one memorable performance, two dead-on comments by Simon Cowell, and twelve idiotic statements by Paula Abdul. At the time the show was fresh and people were actually talking about it the next day. There are so few shared TV experiences anymore. IDOL and GIRLS and that’s pretty much it. And both are similar in that they feature a lot of masturbation.

I eventually stopped critiquing IDOL because it became so formulaic and predictable that I stopped giving a shit. Apparently, so has America. Although the ratings are still good they’re a shadow of what they once were and actually winning and becoming an AMERICAN IDOL now only guarantees you’ll be asked to sing the National Anthem at spring training games. I think the only way people would pay to see Taylor Hicks is if their ticket would also include admission to the rides and other attractions at Six Flags Magic Mountain.

And then the big blow – Simon Cowell left. Yes, he’s still around, doing the same act on another show, but that’s like Lucille Ball leaving I LOVE LUCY to do HERE’S LUCY. Replacement judges have come and gone and the franchise has trudged on.

So I decided last night to check back in and see how the show is faring. It’s the first time I’ve seen it this year. The open auditions are tedious and Hollywood week is an exercise in making Millennials cry so I waited until the live show and the contestants had been whittled down to ten. New judges, new format, new excitement is what the producers and Fox promised. How’d they do?

Same old same old.

AMERICAN IDOL is now completely by-the-numbers. There’s only one new bright spot, which I’ll get to later. The Top Ten were just faint carbons of previous contestants. They can all sing, or, to be more accurate, BELT. But no one stands out. No one is original. No one is a star. So who cares? It’s like voting for State Treasurer.

The musical theme was songs once sung by former American Idols.  In other words:  songs we've already gotten clearance on.   

The judges have been swept out save for Randy Jackson. That’s like the final episode of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW when everyone at WJM got fired except Ted Baxter. This year’s panel includes Keith Urban, who’s engaging and handsome and likes everything (even his wife’s last seven terrible movies), Mariah Carey who fulfils the Paul Abdul role of being a complete vapid idiot (one of her critiques last night: “Hashtag: Pow!”), and then that one bright spot I was talking about – rapper Nicki Minaj.

She dresses like a drag queen who works the noon-to-six shift at the corner of Santa Monica Blvd. and Cherokee, shows up late for a live show, talks in a nasal monotone New York accent (picture Selma Diamond on morphine singing hip hop) but says wildly entertaining absurd things. None of the judges give any guidance or musical insight that is remotely useful and constructive, but that’s what we’ve come to expect from all of these dunderheads other than Simon. The trope of the night was “comfort zone.” Every contestant was either in or out of his or her comfort zone. But Nicki at least tries to say something unexpected. So what if half of what she says is insane?

And Ryan is… Ryan.  Just biding his time until he can oust Matt Lauer. 

The show was two hours, which included the usual amount of padding. The first contestant didn’t begin singing until seven minutes into the program. Those seven minutes were filled with introductions, screaming applause, and pleas to download the new IDOL app. Do the math: ten singers, each singing for two minutes. That’s twenty minutes of performance in one-hundred-and-twenty minutes of airtime.

The contestants were all central casting versions of past hopefuls.

There is Curtis, the fat African-American gay guy. Janelle, the blond dumb Kellie Pickler. You’ll notice that half these kids have weird names. That’s become an IDOL staple. If you can sing and your name is Mary, you’re toast. Change it to Maribelliah.

Devin is the sensitive gay kid who looks like Tin Tin. Angie is the All-American cheerleader with big hair and voice. Gotta have one of those. And at some point she’ll lose out to an African-American contestant to prove that the show isn’t biased. (Nine black ex-contestants are suing the show claiming racism.) This was Nicki’s critique of Angie’s singing: “I love the way you walk in heels.”  Bravo!

Paul is the gay Clay Aikens kid who claims he’s not influenced by Broadway but if he were singing "Anarchy in the UK" it would sound like a show tune.

Candice is this year’s Jennifer Hudson. A heavy-set African-American with powerful pipes. Am I the only one who is reminded of “The Crying Game” when I watch her on stage?

Lazaro (unusual name? Check) is the obligatory challenged contestant. He stutters. There’s usually one who has some physical or emotional disability to draw the sympathy vote.

Also there’s Kree (unusual name? Check) the white belter. Instead of critiquing her, Nicki explained how she makes buttermilk waffles in the morning, when to put butter on, when to microwave them, etc. and then said that’s what Kree’s performance reminded her of – making waffles. Okay, it makes zero sense, but can you honestly say you saw that one coming?

Burnell (unusual name? Check) was the hip R&B dude. And finally, Amber, the gorgeous black contestant who can belt loudest of all. Mariah commented on the theatrics of her performance. She liked “the wind in the dress flowing. I know someone else who does that. I can’t think of her name.” How about Marilyn Monroe? Ever hear of her? Even the studio audience laughed at how stupid that remark was. Nicki said, "I would pay to see you wear pink lipstick."  Ellen wasn't this funny once.

A couple of times the judges gave singers standing ovations – all except Mariah who admitted that her dress was too tight. She was stuffed into it like a sausage casing, and let’s just say Randy Jackson could have gotten into that dress with less effort.  

Time was I’d review AMERICAN IDOL every week. This concludes my AMERICAN IDOL review for the season. It's tired, it's over, it's time for Ryan to anchor the NBC Nightly News.  If Nicki says something really goofy, please let me know.

Levine. Out.

How to get laughs without writing jokes

Most people think that to be a good comedy writer you have to be a good joke writer. That’s not true. Joke writing is a nice talent to have.  But would you believe there are ways of writing hysterically funny scenes without a single “joke?”

How? It’s in the structure. It’s in the comic premise that you set up. Give your character a goal. And then pile on ways that make it harder and harder for him to achieve it. Guilt, circumstances, temptation, pride, embarrassment, ego, time restrictions – these factors can be the comedy writer’s best friends. The more frustration you can build for a character the better.  And sometimes really loading it up can make it funnier. 

The truth is it’s hard to write jokes. Especially when there’s not much happening. But if you design a solid comic premise the lines will flow and the laughs will come.

Let me give you an example. Bob wants to call off his wedding to his fiancé, Jen.

First, a portion of the scenes with jokes:

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

JEN IS SITTING AT A TABLE. BOB ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.

BOB: Hi, Jen. Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was ridiculous. I should have kept the car home and taken a turtle.

JEN: Y’know, we have a subway here in Los Angeles.

BOB: We do? Where?

JEN: That’s the problem. No one knows where it is. If Bin Laden rode the LA subway he’d still be alive today.

BOB: So, anyway, I wanted to talk to you about something.

JEN: Must be important if you’re taking me here. Look at these prices. I needed to take out a second mortgage just to look at the menu.

BOB: I think we’re okay as long as we don’t order the Endangered Special of the Night.

JEN: That would be Nicole Kidman.  So what do you want to talk to me about?

BOB: Oh, it can probably wait until we order and I clear it with my accountant. Are waiters endangered here too? I haven’t seen one yet.

JEN: Bob, are you hands shaking?

BOB: Oh, that happens all the time.

JEN: Really?  That's not good for a surgeon.


You get the idea. Now the same scene beginning sans jokes:


 INT RESTAURANT – NIGHT

JEN IS SITTING AT A TABLE. BOB ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.

BOB: Hi. Sorry, I’m late.

JEN: That’s okay. I’m so crazy about you you could be an hour late and I wouldn’t care. God, I love you so much.

BOB: Yeah, right, well…

JEN: Y’know what I was doing while waiting for you?

BOB: No.

JEN: Giving a lot of thought to that … thing you said you always wanted a woman to do to you during sex?

BOB: Yeah?

JEN: The one I said no girl would ever agree to. Well, if it would make you happy and give you that much pleasure then let’s do it tonight when we get home.

BOB: Really? You’d do that for me?

JEN: Yes, my little perv.  I wouldn’t do it for just anyone, that’s for sure. But my future husband, okay. Oh, and I went on birth control pills. I know, it’s against my religious beliefs, but you hate using a condom. So you said on the phone you wanted to talk to me about something?

BOB; I did?  Uh… yeah. Right.

JEN: Oh, before I forget. We sent out the invitations.

BOB: You did? I thought we were going to wait until we signed the contract with the Sheraton.

JEN: Right. I forgot to tell you. We’re not doing it at the Sheraton. We’re holding the wedding at the Ritz-Carlton. Daddy said, he’s only got one daughter, and this should be the happiest day of her life, and what’s the point of having money if you can’t spend it on something really joyous? So he sold his boat, signed the contract, and gave them a non-refundable five thousand dollar down payment. Y'know, you're the first boy my parents ever liked.  They used to say I didn't know how to pick 'em, but you sure proved them wrong.  Oh, and your mom wants me to wear the ring that's been in your family for two hundred years.  I'm the daughter she never had, she says. 

BOB: She always hated my former girlfriends too.

JEN: Speaking of relatives, now that we have a bigger venue daddy invited all the relatives. You know they all think he’s kind of a schlub and this will be a chance for him to really show off. They’ll be coming in from all over the world. Even my grandma, who’s 92 is flying in from Russia. She can hardly move but she insists on being here. She said -- and this is so sweet – her life has been so hard and filled with so much tragedy, but seeing me walk down the aisle will give her a contentment and piece of mind that will make everything – even the loss of her husband and seizing of her house and disappearance of her daughter, two daughters actually -- seem okay. It will all be worth it to see me married. Are you okay? You look a little green?

Which scene would you rather watch?

Lots of elements go into good comedy besides jokes – structure, performance, timing. The key is creating good characters and putting them in fun situations. Who cares how you get the laugh?

EXCLUSIVE!! The REAL story behind Ann Curry's firing.

There’s been much finger-pointing following the public execution – excuse me, “reassignment” of Ann Curry from her position as co-host of THE TODAY SHOW. Who’s to blame? NBC? Matt Lauer? Well, it turns out with all the corporate take-overs NBC has endured over the last couple of years, the man really pulling the strings is none other than Charles Montgomery Burns. This blog has received a secret tape made in his office that explains the whole messy affair. This is a byKenLevine.com exclusive. I expect to be flooded with calls from every major news organization and CNN.

But here first, for my loyal readers, is a transcription of that recording:

BURNS: Smithers! Ger in here!

SMITHERS: (over an intercom) Yes, sir.

(Burns hums “MMMBop” and two beats later Smithers is heard entering.)

BURNS: What took you so long?

SMITHERS: I was giving Dan Harmon notes.

BURNS:  What show is that nitwit on?

SMITHERS:  COMMUNITY. 

BURNS: Oh!  He needs to use Chevy Chase more!

SMITHERS: That’s exactly what I told him, sir.

BURNS: He’s the only one who’s funny on that misbegotten show.

SMITHERS: He should be the face of our network, sir.

BURNS: Without question! The kids love him.  But that’s not why I brought you in here, Smithers.

SMITHERS: Chelsea Handler said no to your sexual advances, sir.

BURNS: Drat!  Promise her a sitcom.

SMITHERS: Which hotel would you like me to reserve a suite?

BURNS: I don’t care. The one I had with that Whitney person will be fine.

SMITHERS: Ah, yes. The Times Square Marriott. The champagne, Viagra, and hair piece will all be chilled and waiting.

BURNS: Excellent! Now to the business at hand. We have to fire Ann Curry.

SMITHERS: Absolutely, sir. The girl has to go. I can't believe we waited this long.  But may I ask why?

BURNS: Why?  Why?  Why she had the audacity to slap my face.

SMITHERS: Uh, that was Julie Chen, sir.

BURNS: Oh. Well. The yearning has passed. Fire her anyway.

SMITHERS: I’m afraid that due to the union we’re going to have to show cause before we can do that, although it needs to be done.

BURNS: Damn those infernal unions! From now on I want MEET THE PRESS to come out of Ottawa. We'll break them, the bastards!

SMITHERS: Yes, but returning to Ann Curry…

BURNS: A reason for dismissal? Oh, fiddle-di-dee.  She doesn’t sparkle on cooking segments. Off with her head.

SMITHERS: That is unconscionable I will grant you that, but I’m not certain it’s enough -- avoiding-litigation-wise.

BURNS: There’s no chemistry.  How about that?

SMITHERS: Actually, I think she and Matt Lauer get along nicely.

BURNS:  I mean no chemistry between her and ME!

SMITHERS:  Gotcha, sir.  Zinc and Yttrium.

BURNS: She doesn’t measure up to past hosts. Now Deborah Norville, she was the oyster's ice skates. And the public loved her.

SMITHERS: You might be thinking of Katie Couric.  Or Jane Pauley.

BURNS: Well, whoever had the colonoscopy. Now that was great television. In fact, take a note: I want all NBC talent to have on-air colonoscopies. Let's see ONCE UPON A TIME compete with that!

SMITHERS: I of course agree with you that Ann Curry is a liability, but there may be a PR issue.

BURNS: How so? And stop sniveling on my desk.

SMITHERS: Sorry, sir.  Well, as valid as those reasons to let her go are, the public might not see it that way. And instead they might blame you, sir.

BURNS: Me? What did I do? Is it my fault she can’t cook a ham and is married to Les Moonves?

SMITHERS: Uh, that’s Julie Chen.

BURNS: Well, whoever says “This is TODAY on NBC” and is Asian, fire her sorry ass!  But do a colonoscopy first.  And blame someone else.

SMITHERS: Right.  Of course.  I suppose we could say Matt Lauer wanted her off the show.

BURNS: Who’s he?

SMITHERS: Her co-host.

BURNS: Yes! Yes! That’s it! He’s jealous of her talent. She wouldn’t sleep with him. Something like that so the public will be on his side.

SMITHERS: Only one problem, sir, although that is a brilliant idea.

BURNS: She did sleep with him. Oooh, wait’ll Moonves hears about that.

SMITHERS: No. I have a number of memos from Matt saying he really does believe in her and strongly advises we give her more time. Eventually, he claims, the audience will really love her.

BURNS: So he is sleeping with her.

SMITHERS: No. I believe that’s how he truly feels.

BURNS; Well, destroy those memos!   Shred them!

SMITHERS:  They're emails, sir.

BURNS:  Then shred the computers!  

SMITHERS: What if he goes to the press?

BURNS: Hmmm. We have to put the fear of God into him. I know. Make him host the Golden Globes red carpet show.

SMITHERS: Sir, with all due respect, he didn’t kill anybody.

BURNS: I don’t care! Besides, this will all blow over in two days. Nobody is going to care. I didn’t get to run the National Broadcast Company by not knowing precisely what the public likes and doesn’t like.

SMITHERS: Fair enough, sir. So who should replace her?

BURNS: I’ve had my eye on that Rachel Maddow. Call her and reserve my suite at the Times Square Marriott.  Chill the champagne and Viagra.  Heh heh heh!

SMITHERS: Alright, sir. But I really don’t think that’s going to play out the way you think it will.

(At that point the tape cut out.)

GIRLS and "likeability"

A recent article in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY defending GIRLS accuses the haters of not appreciating the show because the characters aren’t likable. The writer, Melissa Maerz says:

PEOPLE WHO HATE GIRLS are missing the point. Hannah (Lena Dunham) and her friends are supposed to be many things — vulnerable, arrogant, ambitious, delusional about the way their clothes fit — but likable isn't one of them. If you want likable, don't watch Louie or Curb Your Enthusiasm or Seinfeld or any other great complicated-antihero comedies, many of which were created by people who play whinier versions of themselves and none of which have earned half the hate that's been firehosed at Dunham, who created Girls.

I think she’s missing the point.

First off let me say, that this is not a post debating GIRLS. Many of you love it; many of you hate it – enjoy or loathe to your heart’s content.

My issue is her contention that non-fans of the show only respond to likable characters, which she seems to define as nice, sympathetic.

Being nice is not what makes a character likeable. Being interesting, compelling, relatable, and in the case of comedy – funny is what people respond to.

They can infuriate you, they can confound you, they can annoy you, but there’s something about them that keeps you glued to the screen. Clearly, it’s subjective, but I’m sure that many people who don’t like the GIRLS girls do like Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld.

I will say this:  networks do try to steer writers towards making their characters nice. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten the network note, “Gee, we don’t like her when she does that.” And when you argue that the point of comedy is conflict and characters need flaws to be funny that rarely sways them.

But now that HBO and others have pushed the envelope – specifically to do shows networks WOULDN’T do – networks are relaxing their stance (somewhat). I still think we’re a few years away from seeing a BREAKING BAD-type series on ABC following THE MIDDLE. (Can you imagine back in the day when TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL was on CBS what the reaction would have been had Vince Gilligan pitched them BREAKING BAD?  Yikes!)

Today we root for Russian spies, Mafia families, serial killers, and worse. In the pilot of THE SHIELD, the star of the show shoots a fellow cop for God’s sake. And we’re riveted! GIRLS doesn’t put people off because it’s not THE DONNA REED SHOW.

To me Ms. Maerz’s argument is somewhat condescending. It suggests that people who respond to GIRLS are too unsophisticated to appreciate “complicated” characters (to use her word). No. A large part of the audience just doesn’t find the quirks in Lena’s ladies interesting enough to follow, much less care. Period.

So why is this? Why are some complex characters compelling and others off-putting? Writing certainly but I believe a huge factor is casting. Anyone other than Shelley Long and America might have hated Diane Chambers, despite the brilliant writing by the Charles Brothers. I’m guessing Harvey Keitel as Michael Scott and THE OFFICE would not still be on the air. Could it be – and I’m just asking (before you bombard the comments section) – that someone other than Lena Dunham playing Hannah might prompt the haters to like her more? Or any of the girls for that matter?

When Carl Reiner created THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW it was originally called HEAD OF THE FAMILY and a pilot was shot starring Carl Reiner as Rob Petrie. It tanked. He was smart enough to swallow his pride and replace himself with Dick Van Dyke. Here’s the interesting thing about Lena Dunham for me. I’ll be honest. I don’t like her character on GIRLS. But I love her in real life.

Later in the article, Ms. Maerz goes on to say:

People who hate Girls also think it's narcissistic. But it actually encourages us to take a hard look at some unflattering personalities and understand where they're coming from.

That’s fine but if we don’t enjoy the characters why would we watch? Your message may be a good one but if it’s not getting through then what’s the point? Narcissistic characters are great comic foils. Just think of Frasier, and Diane, and every character Charlie Sheen plays, and everyone on SEINFELD. We’ve already gotten that message.

Hannah (Lena Dunham) and her friends are supposed to be many things — vulnerable, arrogant, ambitious, delusional about the way their clothes fit — but likable isn't one of them.

Actually likeable is ALL of them. 

I hate Pop-Up ads!!!

Okay, this is me going on a rant.

I will not buy anything I see in a pop-up ad. They are the most annoying form of advertising ever devised. I know the big problem with the internet is that no one has figured out yet how to make a substantial profit out of it. That certainly is my problem. Banner ads are only slightly effective. And newspapers and other sites have found it’s difficult to charge people for their services when other outlets will provide it for free. Why go to reputable newspapers when there are people like me in their underwear banging out blogs?

But I can’t imagine anybody… ever… in any corner of the universe… buying something they see from a pop-up ad.

It’s as if you’re watching a concert and suddenly from out of nowhere someone gets right up into your grill and screams “HEY, WANNA BUY LIFE INSURANCE?!!” What are the chances you’ll say “Sure. Thanks. I specifically went to this remaining-Beatles reunion just hoping someone would sell me long term life insurance”?

Wouldn’t it be more likely you’d knee him in the groin and threaten to kill him and his family if he ever again came within one mile of you?

That’s the common reaction when people are assaulted by pop-up ads. First off, they resent the product. Like me, they’ll probably boycott it. It doesn’t take Don Draper to figure out that boycotting is not a good end result to an advertising campaign.

Seriously, should an X10 camera ad pop onto my screen I will scramble to my mouse and obliterate it faster than if it were a sex scene between Larry King and a goat.

Girls, name me one time a guy ever won your heart by continually yanking at your hair. This form of attention getting DOES NOT WORK!

Of course the idiot advertisers who think otherwise are devising new ways to skirt pop-up blocking programs and making their CLOSE tabs so small no one can find them without a microscope so strong it can differentiate atoms.

As for you websites that allow these obnoxious pop-ups, I understand that you need revenue, but you run the risk of pissing off your readers and losing your audience. And once you have no traffic your sponsors will go away too. So it’s a lose/lose/lose/lose/lose situation.

Just know this: I will never “CLICK HERE TO WIN MY PRIZE”. I will never “CLICK HERE FOR DETAILS”. I will only “CLICK HERE TO HAVE EVERYONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS KILLED BY MUTANT COWS”.

I feel better now. Thanks.

Richard Burton & Jack Elam offered the same part

Here's a belated Friday Question time:

From Chris Andelman:

My question is about writing episodes for guest actors. Do you ever sign them first and then write with them in mind?

Yes, but not always. The CHEERS staff had an idea for a character they thought would be great for John Cleese. He liked the idea and agreed to played it. Peter Casey & David Lee then wrote a brilliant script.

When my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote the Tonight Show episode of CHEERS we had Johnny Carson going in. We kind of insisted on it.

A hot show will attract hotter guest stars. The Zeitgeist Factor is huge. Britney Spears did a HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (back when Britney Spears meant something). I doubt they could have gotten her for ACCORDING TO JIM. Julia Roberts did FRIENDS. We couldn’t get Iron Eyes Cody for AfterMASH.

It always helps to hear the actor’s voice in your head as you write but most times you’re not afforded that luxury. You write a character and hope it will attract a big name.

In the first year of CHEERS David Lloyd wrote a wonderful episode called “The Spy Who Came In For a Cold One”. It’s about a larger-than-life figure who comes into the bar. Richard Burton had just done an episode of SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN (I think he and Lee Majors were friends) so we thought, “Let’s get him.” Burton passed. I forget who came up with this brainstorm but we then offered the part to Jack Elam. He was that terrific character actor with the wandering eye who always played scruffy characters, usually killers in westerns. I’m sure it’s the first time the same role had ever been offered to Richard Burton and Jack Elam. Elam passed. And we wound up with Ellis Raab, a rather flamboyant theatrical actor – who couldn’t have been more dissimilar to either Burton or Elam.













For the “Hot Rocks” episode of CHEERS, David and I thought we had Celtics’ star, Larry Bird. So we concocted a story where Rebecca thought he stole her earrings. Bird then dropped out. So we went with the next logical choice -- Admiral William J. Crowe, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

But if I had to break it down I'd guess you go to the guest star before you write the script 70% of the time. Maybe 71%

Friday Questions

Here are answers to some of your Friday Questions:

Mitch gets us going:

Your comment about ONE DAY AT A TIME falling between the cracks prompts a question, Ken. Have all your years in television, as a writer, a director and a show runner, given you any insight into why some shows remain perennially popular while others fade out? It doesn't necessarily seem to be question of quality. There are lots of excellent shows that rarely, if ever, see the light of day, while some not-so-excellent shows retain their popularity.

That’s a hard question to answer because there are so many shows and so many variables. But here are a few general thoughts. Some shows stay out of syndication because there are rights issues. These tend to be series that were independently produced. CYBILL was hung up in rights issues for years. So too BARNEY MILLER.

WKRP IN CINCINNATI had a unique problem. As an AFTRA show and not SAG they were able to use music without paying high license fees during their network runs. But that changed when they went into syndication. And as fans know, they replaced actual songs with covers and it hurt the overall effect greatly.

Other times the studio that owns the series is unaware they own it. Case in point is ALMOST PERFECT. We made it for Paramount. CBS/Viacom now owns the library and although we have 34 episodes and it has been in syndication twice (USA and Lifetime) I don’t think anyone there knows they have the show. And I don’t know who to contact.

Most long-running shows do go into syndication and for whatever reason a few don’t click. I suspect that was the case with ONE DAY AT A TIME. It didn’t get decent ratings and disappeared. Why audiences didn’t respond? I couldn’t tell you. To me it’s a lot better than other shows from that time that still air.

One element that undercuts a series’ syndication value is topical references. They make the show seem dated. The perfect example of this is MURPHY BROWN. How many of you would enjoy Dan Quayle jokes? Many many Dan Quayle jokes.

Seems to me the shows that do best in syndication – and this is comedy I’m talking about – are the ones that are more universal and more relatable. The characters and situations are as identifiable now as they were when the shows first aired. Family shows tend to age well.

Some shows survive because they’re just damn funny and entertaining. THE GOLDEN GIRLS continues to kick ass. And then there’s Lucy.

I think in fifty years in whatever platform television shows will be shown they will still be running I LOVE LUCY and MASH twelve times a day. I hope my heirs spend the ten-cent residuals wisely.

Steve Catron wonders:

Was there ever a thought of giving Winchester a spin-off show. I always thought it would be terrific if he went back to Boston with new-found humanity and clashed with his old money family.

Trust me when I say 20th and CBS approached everybody. The result of course was AfterMASH and a pilot called R*A*D*A*R that never made it to series.

But few people remember that during MASH’s run the same producers – Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds created a show called ROLL OUT. This was for the 1973-4 season and was a military comedy set in France during World War II. The war may have been won but that battle was lost.

From Adam:

I've noticed that comedies tend to keep either one director or a few directors and use them for the run of the show (or at least an entire season) where dramas will have a maybe 13 or more directors in a season. Is this just a timing issue between a half hour and an hour long show?

Hour shows require several days of prep and “tone meetings” as they’re called where the producers go over the script with the director to explain their intentions line by line. There may be complicated sequences, locations to scout, effects technicians to consult, etc. The DGA requires sufficient prep time be provided for the director.

In multi-camera shows there’s no generally no real prep. Same sets, same people, same tone.

Also, single-camera shows generally film for twelve for more hours a day. Not so with multi-cam. Most days you rehearse the actors and wrap by 5:00. It would be grueling for one single camera director to do episode after episode.

Now you might say, well the cast of single-camera shows have to deal with that week after week. Yes, but each cast member is not usually in every shot. On the other hand, sometimes they are (Kiefer Sutherland in 24, Hugh Laurie in HOUSE) and in those cases yes, the actors are fried by the end of the year.

And finally, XJill asks:

I have checked off a box on the 'ol bucket list and got tickets for some Spring Training games at Camelback Ranch. I would love some pro tips on what to do, etc. to get the most out of my Spring Training experience!

Get out there early. In the morning you can usually watch workouts, and minor league games on backfields for free. It’s a relaxed atmosphere and often you can get autographs and pictures with players.

Then walk over to the park and watch batting practice. For the game I’d suggest you bring a cap or visor because there’s little shade. And don’t even bother scoring because there will be so many substitutions.

The later in spring training you go the more you will see the regulars. By the final week the regulars will be playing six or seven innings at least.

Bear in mind this year that with the World Baseball Classic a lot of regular players will be absent for several weeks. And of course, there will always be a few idiot players who still can’t enter the country because of visa problems.

Say hi to all the guys for me.

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. Play ball!

Solving a writer's nightmare

What do you do when you have to write a script and on page two you’re stuck? You’ve cleared the story with the producers, the outline has been approved, you have a deadline, and four lines after FADE IN you come to a screeching halt. I feel an arctic breeze go up my sphincter just thinking about it.

It’s happened to me. It’s happened to most writers I know. It can happen to you. And there’s no flu shot you can take to prevent it.

So what do you do?

Well, all I can tell you is what we did and then maybe what we should have done.

My partner, David Isaacs and I had gotten a freelance assignment on a show called THE PRACTICE. No, this wasn’t the legal drama created by David E. Kelley. This was a sitcom in the late ‘70s starring Danny Thomas. It was essentially BECKER (except Danny had a son who was a Park Avenue doctor, while he was a neighborhood sawbones and much of the series conflict stemmed from that). The show had two things going for it.

1) Danny Thomas was a gifted comic actor, especially when playing a crank.
2) The show was created by Steve Gordon, who later went on to write and direct ARTHUR. No one wrote funnier dialogue than Steve Gordon.

The story we were assigned was that Danny (Dr. Bedford) got an Afro-American intern and one of his long time patients was uncomfortable being examined by him. Dr. Bedford was outraged, racially charged issues ensued, and tell me, if you can. where any of that is funny. But this was the story they wanted to do and we went off, approved outline in hand, to write the first draft.

We hit a brick wall the minute we pulled out of the garage. Although the story was a lovely little morality tale, gleaning comedy out of it was like getting blood out of a turnip or Larry King.

For three days we just stared at each other.

Finally, David suggested we shake up the routine. “Let’s drive to San Diego, lock ourselves in a hotel room, and just blast through the script” he said. The idea was to just get anything on paper. And that’s what we did. We found a large hotel in Mission Valley, ordered room service (okay… several drinks), and dove in. Sure enough, we broke through and completed a very rough draft by the end of the weekend. We drove home, spent the next few days trying to punch it up (or, as I like to say “putting lipstick on a pig”). And we turned it in.

The producers were happy and gave us second draft notes. Even though the notes weren’t major there was just enough story restructuring to almost send us back to San Diego. We persevered and finally turned in the second draft. The series was cancelled an hour later. Our episode was never filmed.

I had such mixed feelings. For all the work we put into that damn script we at least wanted to see it performed. On the other hand, if our instincts were right and the story was essentially a downer, the table reading might’ve been a train wreck. And you know who would have been blamed for it.

We’ve used this technique of getting out of town and conducting marathon writing sessions several times subsequently. Most of the movie VOLUNTEERS was written over a four-day period in San Diego. The change of scenery is helpful. Being in a hotel room where there’s nothing else to do is advantageous. And it harkens back to those romantic days when Broadway shows would have out-of-town tryouts and the playwrights would pull all-nighters in their New Haven hotel rooms turning turkeys into eventual blockbusters.  Forget how many shows closed out-of-town. 

So that’s a helpful tip, and I recommend it.

But here’s what we should have done: When it was clear to us that the story wasn’t working we should have called the producers and expressed our concerns. We were young and quite frankly afraid to do that. After all, they had approved the outline. So the assumption was that the story worked, and if we couldn't get it to work it was only because we sucked as writers. If the producers wrote that same script it would positively sing. We didn’t want them to say to us, “You’re the writers. It’s you job to make it work! Do we have to do everything for you?”

In truth though, you save a lot of time and effort. And if your instincts are right they’ll see your point and call you back in to re-work the story. Or they’ll think it works as is and walk you through why. Maybe they’re right and you just didn’t see it in proper perspective.

But if you’re a freelancer or a staff writer and you absolutely can’t lock into the story, put aside your pride and fear and speak up. Better the producers get the call from you then from the stage on the first day of production.

Final note: We learned that lesson and several months later we found ourselves in a similar situation with a script for another show. This time we decided to call the producers. David got on the phone and said, “Hi, this is David Isaacs” and the producer (who sat with us in his office for three goddamn  days breaking the story) said, “Do we know each other?”

So there’s no downside. You get your story problems addressed and if the producers are irritated that you called they won’t remember who you were.

10,000 hours of practice

 This is one of those posts that seems like it's about sports but it's more about life and has a funny payoff.  Non-sports fans are invited to give it a try. 

They say you need 10,000 hours of practice. I say that’s true – give or take 7,000 hours. It’s true in writing and certainly in learning how to do sports play-by-play. There is no substitute for experience. At least when you try to hone your craft as a writer you can do it inconspicuously. To learn play-by-play you need to go to a venue and announce the game. That means a recording device and talking out loud in a public setting. Not for the faint of heart. But you can’t learn it by just turning down the sound on your TV. You need your own eyes to scan the field and describe what you see.

I used to bring a tape recorder to the upper deck of Dodger Stadium and call games from the cheap seats. I figured, if someone was paying good money for a ticket they didn’t want some buffoon sitting next to them mangling play-by-play. But in the general admission section the seats were unreserved and if someone took issue with my announcing they could just sit somewhere else. Also, folks are so plastered up in that level they don’t even know you’re there. Forget that the players look like ants and the bullpens are in the next time zone. But that’s what I did for two years until I felt I was accomplished enough to send tapes to the minor leagues.

I also practiced basketball by going to Clippers games. Back then it was easy. No one came. I had entire sections to myself. I was running late one night and they held the game for me. Seriously, no one came.

But just because you don’t have a major league team in your town doesn’t mean you can’t learn your craft. There are probably college and high school games in your area. You can sit in the stands of a high school and call a baseball game (for you non-American readers – substitute cricket or rugby or whatever they play in your country).

My favorite story involves a young announcer (who went on to become a major league announcer) who decided to call a high school basketball game. He set up his equipment in the bleachers. It was a mid-week game and the stands were practically empty. The only problem was he didn’t know any of the players. So he decided that since this was just an exercise he called the teams the Lakers and the Celtics and assigned the players names of real NBA players. So one guy was Magic Johnson, another was James Worthy, another was Larry Bird… you get the idea. Pretty ingenious, wouldn’t you say?

So the game begins and he starts calling the action.

“Magic into the front court, right wing to Worthy, baseline to Cooper – turns, 10 footer… no good… rebound by Parrish, ahead to Johnson, left wing to McHale. He shoots a three-pointer…GOOD!”

Unfortunately, since the gym was so empty everybody could hear him. And by everybody I mean the players themselves. They found this incredibly unnerving. After about five minutes a time out was called. Both head coaches went to the scoring table and huddled with the officials. A moment later  the announcer was thrown out of the game.

I’m guessing the players were really rattled. Or maybe just annoyed with the assignments. “Hey, why can’t I be Magic Johnson? Why do I have to be A.C. Green?” “How come I’m on the Celtics? I want to be on the Lakers.”, etc.

So again, when you’re writing your spec in Starbucks, you can do it blissfully unnoticed. You don’t have to call out stage directions. You don’t have to say:

“Bald guy crosses to counter to add sugar, cute blonde orders double latte and fumbles for her credit card. On her sheepish expression, we:”

Yes, it takes 10,000 hours of practice. But the time spent being escorted out of arenas, stadiums, or coffee houses counts.   Best of luck! 

DOWNTON ABBEY season 3 review

Okay, now that’s it been a few weeks since the DOWNTON ABBEY season finale I think I’ve given sufficient time for everyone who has recorded it to watch it. If not – SPOILER ALERT and WATCH THE DAMN THING ALREADY. This is especially true for you folks in the UK since it aired in your country months ago.

Anyway, these are my thoughts on the third season.  What are yours?

I’m a huge DOWNTON ABBEY fan but was very disappointed in season three.

It got off to a very rocky start with Shirley MacLaine appearing as Cora’s mother. She’s done some fine work in the past, but I had no idea what she was playing. I have the sense she didn’t either. Surely, she could have drawn from all her many past lives and landed on some legitimate character. She also wasn’t helped by the script. Julian Fellows saw fit to make her one-note – the boorish American who just preached change and modernization.  I resented that.  We have other layers, Julian. We square dance.  Shirley will be back next season, probably because prohibition is coming in the U.S.

I was also bothered that there wasn’t one scene between Shirley’s character and her daughter, Cora.

And speaking of Cora, it pains me to say the one cast member of the show who clearly is awful is the one American. Elizabeth McGovern has one expression, like she just bit into an olive pit.

On the other hand, Hugh Bonneville (who plays Robert) is, as always, marvelous. The first two seasons he provided stability and humanity to the series. And this season he’s Inspector Clouseau, bungling through every situation. He’s an incompetent businessman, makes the wrong call that costs his daughter her life, always says the wrong thing, is intolerant, out of step, and a lousy cricket player. Please restore him to the elegant patriarch of the family and not have him morph into Archie Bunker in tails.

When the series began I wasn’t a Mary fan and now I love her. I realize she’s the “Michael” of this Corleone family.

As you know I was devastated when Sybil died. But when Matthew bought it at the end of the season I was pissed. I certainly understand the reason for killing these people – the actors wanted out of the show. Or they questioned lines.   And Julian Fellows said in an interview that offing them was not his preference. But since they were both members of the Crawley family, he couldn’t justify them going away and never returning, especially since they both now had babies. If it had been actors who played help they could easily just get other jobs at UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS and move away. But it’s a tougher buy with family members. He also said that he asked both Dan Stevens (Matthew) and Jessica Brown Findlay (Sybil) if they’d agree to come back for two or three? They both said no, they wanted a clean break. So off with their heads. 

Unlike in America, actors in England don’t sign on for more than three seasons of a series. In the colonies they can be signed from five to seven years. Both Dan and Jessica said they wanted to take advantage of their popularity to strike while the iron is hot. But here’s the thing: They are only hot BECAUSE of DOWNTON ABBEY. In many ways they owe their careers to that show. So it doesn’t seem an unreasonable request to give thanks to the people who believed in you and hired you and built this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you by staying another season or two. And remember, they only film eight or nine a year. If you’re on a US hit drama you make 22-24. So what are we talking about? A three or four month commitment to make another season of DOWNTON ABBEY? You can’t still do your Broadway shows or movies? Watch. You’re going to see one of them in some awful TNT pilot or Katherine Heigl movie and say, “you left DOWNTON ABBEY for that?”

I also took issue with the way they killed Matthew. That whole two-hour finale was a snooze (nothing happened) with a ridiculous tacked on death scene. Hit by a truck? Really? That’s the best you could do? I had heard of Matthew’s imminent demise so my only question was how were they going to do it?  Drive-by shooting? A trip on the Hindenburg? Beaned by a cricket ball?  No.  The way they actually did it was routine and boring. If you’re going to do that, why not just a meteor fall on the poor bastard?

By the way, when Sybil died, the evil side of me wanted to see Mary put her arm around Edith and say, “Well, I guess you weren’t the unluckiest sister after all.”  Too soon???

Poor Edith just got the shit beaten out of her all year. Anytime she had even a shred of happiness it was yanked from her.  She's left at the alter by an older man with a gimp arm!  That's ten years of therapy right there.  But ultimately, if you project thirty years into the future I see Edith living in New York, a titan of the publishing world, and married to a young Marlon Brando while Mary is running a bed & breakfast. Robert sells the estate and moves to Germany, which proves to be just his latest poor decision, and Cora chokes on an olive pit.

I like the support staff the best. Evil Mrs. O’Brien (first name: Cruella).  She was a hoot as was conniving Thomas who is forever wrestling with his superiority complex, his inferiority complex, and his homosexuality. By the way, there are two characters named Tom – the sniveling servant and Sybil’s widower. With so many characters it’s not confusing enough that two have the same name? There are other great British names.  What about Ringo?   But I digress.

While most guys fantasize about sleeping with Mary or Sybil or the hot new young cousin, Rose, my fantasy is having a butler like Mr. Carson. I like the idea of someone being in a tizzy because my bobbleheads are not aligned perfectly.  The scene in the finale when he held the baby was a killer.

Daisy I just want to slap.

And I hated the whole Mr. Bates-in-prison storyline. He’s one of my favorite characters (how can you not love a man of honor, dignity, and rage?) and I want to see him at the McMansion. Seemed like a waste having him walk in a circle in the prison yard every week. Instead of slamming some jailbird bloke up against the wall, let’s see him stuff Thomas into a dumbwaiter.

My favorite character is still that old dowager herself, Maggie Smith as Granny. Has the best lines and has the best limp. Somehow I can’t see Lady Mary ever uttering droll remarks, and there won’t be a lot of witty badinage between Lady Edith and Brando (especially if he's been drinking).

The storylines seemed to wander this season. I thought it was waaaay too convenient that Robert’s investments go belly-up and he loses the family fortune but out of nowhere an acquaintance Matthew didn’t know dies and leaves him all this money. If they’re going to play it like that – when Sybil died why didn’t they just introduce Adele as the daughter Robert gave up at birth and now just happens to be in town for a golf junket?

I’m hoping season three was just a hiccup and season four rights the ship. It would be nice to see a little happiness in Downton Abbey. Oh, who am I kidding? Here’s what I really want – Lady Mary and Mr. Carson to hook up. Yeah! Now that would get me going to my phone and pledging PBS twenty dollars.

Meet the creators of THE GOOD WIFE

 (I wanted to call this post "Inside The Good Wife" but that just seemed wrong.)

One of the many fine programs the WGA Foundation sponsors is their “Anatomy of a Script” series in which showrunners and screenwriters discuss in detail their shows/films. Moderated beautifully by Robin Schiff, each week the best scribes in the business discuss their craft. I attend these whenever I can.

Last Thursday’s session was particularly great. Michelle & Robert King, the creators/writers/showrunners of THE GOOD WIFE spoke. For my money, THE GOOD WIFE is the best drama on television – an even more remarkable feat because it’s on a major broadcast network and not a cable channel. They have to make 22 episodes every year as opposed to some shows that only make 13 or even 8 every year-and-a-half or two years.

There was a lot of juicy insider dish on the show, but I thought I’d share a few of the general writing principles and tips they shared. So even if you don’t watch THE GOOD WIFE or are less enamored by it than me, these are still some very valuable pointers.

They kept talking about something I always harp on – always be looking to do something that hasn’t been done. Avoid clichés. Avoid formulas. Find characters you haven’t seen before. Kalinda, the investigator, for example. They wanted her to be a person of mystery. It seems fresh that someone whose job it was to uncover information never revealed any about herself.  Fun spins on characters and relationships.

Along those same lines, the Kings try to start each episode with a montage or something unexpected. They’re always thinking: “what haven’t we seen before?” Not easy to achieve, especially in a legal procedural.  How many thousands of legal procedural episodes have you seen? On CBS in one year alone? Sometimes, they said, they will marry three different ideas to come up with a unique one. What they didn’t say but I will is that that approach is frustrating and hard and time consuming. But it can be the difference between being a good writer and a hack.

Example: How many times on lawyer shows have you seen the star handle a case that mirrors whatever personal problem they’re wrestling with? The Kings avoid that. They're too overused and too convenient. In reality, whatever case comes along you deal with regardless of your personal issues.

They advised young writers not to hold back. If you’re doing a pilot and you have some cool ideas but you want to save one of them for future episodes (should there be future episodes) – don’t. Cram all of your cool ideas in the script. Other cool ideas will come. And Robert suggested that by putting everything into the pilot script it will almost propel you to coming up with other cool ideas.

They advised young writers to take a workmanlike approach. Write as much as you can, every day if possible. And don’t get too hung up on making everything perfect. That’s one of the beauties of television – you don’t have time to endlessly craft a script like you do in features. Actors are on the stage waiting. So you find yourself writing dialogue more out of impulse and emotion as opposed to chiseling each word.  (That was a mistake my partner and I made early in our career.  The end result: it drove us nuts and the writing was too careful.) 

When writing a procedural scene (i.e. discussion of the case de jour) there also has to be a character element to it. There’s some emotional undercurrent between the characters during the scene. It’s not CSI where characters just recite lab babble and forensic gobbledygook to each other.

The CBS hour-long format calls for five act breaks. The way the Kings construct a story is to determine what those act breaks are first and then work back from there. Side note: That’s how we break sitcom stories too.

Each scene should move the story forward. (If young writers feel the need to get a tattoo, that's what they should get -- each scene should move the story forward.   Then throw in a rose or skull or something.)

The best TV writers love TV. Watching television shows is not a burden, not homework, but something they genuinely enjoy doing.

Robert compared showrunning to playing Tetris. You’re jiggling shapes (i.e. show elements) to make straight lines. And a big key is the script. If the script is weak it will have a ripple effect. The production will be harder, the editing will be harder – again to use the Tetris analogy – a sub-par script is that shape you just can’t twist to get it to fit.

Networks are always looking to over-clarify. Robert believes viewers are very savvy and can handle a little ambiguity. Personally, I feel it’s so much more elegant to define characters by behavior than by saying who they are. In the GOOD WIFE pilot, Alicia’s (Julianna Marguleis) kids program her cellphone to play THE TWILIGHT ZONE theme whenever their annoying grandmother calls. Finding those little moments tell you volumes about characters in a much more ingenious way.

You have to love your characters. (Get that tattoo too.) As Michelle said, “Exploring what these characters might do, thinking about these characters – it’s fun.” I couldn’t agree more. That’s not saying they have to all be angels, but it’s my job as a writer to get the audience to love these characters as much as I do.

And here’s the awful truth and comforting thing about writing. You need to take chances. But… you never know. The Kings are so smart and have such a great command of their show. This year they presented a story arc involving Kalinda and her returning husband. The audience (myself included) hated it. It was wrong on so many levels. And yet, quite candidly, they admitted they never saw that coming. They weren’t thinking they were taking a big chance. They completely missed it. And if showrunners of that caliber can misfire, so can anybody. Also to their credit, they acknowledged and took steps to scale back the story even though it caused major logistical headaches. But the point is, if you take a shot at something and it doesn’t work, don’t get down on yourself. It happens to all of us, regardless of credits, awards, and nights being honored. It’s the price you pay for taking risks. But boy is it worth it.

The WGA series continues this Thursday. I keep waiting for their salute to BIG WAVE DAVE’S, but I guess they’re just saving that for when they really want to pack the joint.

Sunday miscellaneous

Who does Nate Silver like for the next Pope?

The good and bad about Los Angeles: Yesterday it was 82 degrees. But you couldn’t drive north. A major freeway is under construction, most northbound lanes are closed for the weekend and surface street traffic on the Westside was completely snarled. A citizen’s group has snapped into action. To protest traffic delays they’re holding a rally, which will cause...more traffic delays.

NBC’s disastrous mid-season continues. For the first time ever, in February sweeps they finished fifth behind Telemundo. And yet WHITNEY is still on the schedule.

I did a blog post on how terrestrial radio plays too many commercials. Tim Conway Jr. on KFI, Los Angeles ripped me on the air for a half an hour, claiming that terrestrial radio is healthier and more popular than ever. This rant was broken up by a six-minute block of commercials. I noticed that Tim didn’t open the phone lines to hear what listeners thought.

Happy to see that Andre and Maria Jacquemetton have signed an overall deal to write and produce new shows for WB. Although they didn’t get much recognition, they’re terrific writers who contributed a lot to MAD MEN over the last six seasons.

Jennifer Lawrence’s sweaty clothes from SILVER LINING PLAYBOOK sold for about $1500 at a recent auction. Imagine what Monica’s dress would bring in.

Networks are currently casting their pilots for the upcoming season. Almost without exception they’re hiring actors coming off recent shows. So in other words, this pilot season is going to look exactly like last pilot season except the actors will be wearing different costumes.

Warner Brothers is the NBC of movie studios this year. GANGSTER SQUAD, BEAUTIFUL CREATURES, and now JACK THE GIANT SLAYER have all bombed spectacularly. Time to release HANGOVER III even if it’s not finished.

But at least in the summer Warner Brothers has the new Superman movie. NBC has AMERICA’S GOT TALENT.

So now we learn Taco Bell uses horse meat? It doesn't help.

THE WORLD BASEBALL CLASSIC has begun! And if you find that exciting, tickets are now on sale for next year’s NFL Pro Bowl.

If you watch THE AMERICANS, who do you root for?

And finally, I’d love to see the inventor of this go on THE SHARK TANK:

When your girlfriend's father HATES you

From time to time I've been featuring excerpts from my book about growing up in the San Fernando Valley -- THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (available here.. PLEASE BUY IT). One prompted a comment from fellow classmate Alexis along with a request:

contrary to what you remember, I remember thinking you were cute, funny, and...well, cute and funny will have to suffice.

You should relate the "Helene" story...

I'll settle for cute and funny. Here's the "Helene" story.  Remember names have been changed to protect me from physical abuse.

My actual dating life wasn’t much to speak of. I thought there was some promise with Helene Papadakis but that didn’t turn out swimmingly. A good start though. I took her to see “Thunderball” and then Bob’s Big Boy. She let me put my arm around her during the underwater fight sequence. She ate a French fry off my plate (always a sign of intimacy). And at her front door – the BIG moment – she let me kiss her goodnight. It was not a big kiss mind you. And lips only. But it wasn’t the handshake and “I had a really fun time, thank you” and the subtle door slam.

I was so confident I called her for a second date on Monday. Usually I needed at least three weeknights to get up the courage. She accepted and all was right with the world.

But on date #2 I met her father. These are always awkward encounters. They look at you like you’re going to knock up their daughter, get her hooked on heroin, and coerce her into joining a cult. We are always assuring them that we’re really nice young men, we wouldn’t dream of touching their daughter (much less do any of the things we fantasize about while masturbating nightly to them), and we all want to be astronauts. Still, I sensed a hatred that went beyond mere suspicion and apprehension. I started getting the vibe of Jew Hater.

Helene and I were hitting it off though, so I chose to rationalize that he wasn’t anti-Semitic, he just preferred suitors of any other religion in the world. On date #3 I drove her home (arriving safely before the midnight curfew), kissed her goodnight, got back into my 1960 Comet, turned on the ignition… and the car wouldn’t start. Shit. Probably a dead battery but maybe I had flooded the engine. So I waited five minutes, tried again, and still nothing. I went back to the house, tapped lightly on Helene’s bedroom window, and told her I needed to use the phone to call the Auto Club. She let me in but by now was wearing a bathrobe. Nothing sheer, just a big comfy terrycloth robe. I called the AAA and we sat in the kitchen waiting for the tow truck. About five minutes later her dad entered the room and almost had a seizure. There was his daughter in a state of disrobe (even though she WAS wearing a robe) with this…this… red sea pedestrian!! I hastily explained why I was there, trying desperately not to use any Yiddish expressions. Finally, I said, “My battery is dead” and he snarled, “It better be!”

With that he dashed out to the car and told me to start it up. I turned the key just praying it wouldn’t start. Thankfully, it didn’t. He stomped off to the garage and returned a moment later with jumper cables. In short order he got my engine to turn over.

I politely thanked him very much and then he leaned into me and said, “Your fucking car is blocking my driveway.”

O-kay...

That was the last time I ever went out with Helene.

Now flash-forward two years.  I'm a student at UCLA.

I also took “Abnormal Psychology,” which proved helpful years later in dealing with actors. One of the assignments was to do some inappropriate behavior in public and study everyone’s reaction. This seemed stupid to me. You knew what their reaction was going to be. Based on the behavior, either anger or discomfort. So I figured, if I’m going to do this pointless exercise I might as well have a little fun with it.

So I put on a jacket and tie, grabbed my trusty broken briefcase, and set out once again to sell Amway products.

Except, this time at 11:00 at night.

Knowing that homeowners would be furious, I figured why go door-to-door and disturb them? I didn’t have to repeat this behavior twenty times. I really only had to do it once. So I got in my car, headed to one house in particular, marched up to the front door, and at about 11:30 rang the bell.

Helene’s anti-Semite dad answered the door and was practically apoplectic when he saw me. I launched right into my pitch. “Hi, there, Mr. P. Sorry to bother you so late but I’m trying to make as much money as I can. I really love money. And I have two other jobs, because like I said – I really love money. So could I show you some miracle products that…?”

I think that’s as far as I got. He literally chased me off the property. Mission and assignment accomplished.

In memory of Bonnie Franklin...

So sorry to hear of the passing of Bonnie Franklin. She was 69. In the mid ‘70s thru mid ‘80s she was the mom on ONE DAY AT A TIME. I had the pleasure of working with her on ALMOST PERFECT in the ‘90s and we remained friends. She also did a screenplay reading for me.

For whatever reason ONE DAY AT A TIME has fallen between the syndication cracks. You don’t see the reruns very often. And it’s a shame because you’re missing a terrific comic actress. What Mary Tyler Moore did for single women in the ‘70s, Bonnie did for single moms. Her character handled the struggles of single parenting with grace and humor.

Especially humor. That was an era in which many sitcoms had very dramatic premises. And dealt with tough social issues. The comedy had to really come from character. Lines were funny because the actor delivering them had just the right attitude, just the right light touch. Bonnie was the best. Her timing, delivery, and comic sense was impeccable. And she brought such warmth and strength to the part that you didn’t just laugh, you cared. If you were a teenage girl during the years of ONE DAY AT A TIME you wanted Bonnie Franklin to be your mom, even if you loved your real mom.

I got the chance to direct her in an episode of ALMOST PERFECT and marveled at how much extra she brought to her role and how effortless she made it seem. She was the consummate professional. A writer and a director's dream. 

She also sang, danced, was nominated for a Tony, appeared in movies, plays, and was very active in educational programs and local theater companies. She will be greatly missed.

I hope some cable channel does a ONE DAY AT A TIME marathon. Bonnie Franklin deserves a hallowed spot in television history. She already has one in my heart.

Creator/deserters

Ready for some Friday Questions? 

Gazzoo starts us off:

For decades I’ve been convinced that the first two episodes of the seventh season of M*A*S*H were meant to be run in reverse order, can you confirm this? “Peace On Us” should have been the premiere…the opening scenes imply BJ is actually growing his moustache at that time, not to mention that the big storyline seems more fit for a season opener. In the episode that actually did air first, ”Commander Pierce”, BJ already has his moustache and is wearing the dyed red shirt that he didn’t make until “Peace On Us”. Do you recall anything about this and why the eps were flipped?

You’re very observant. Yes, PEACE ON US was supposed to be our season premiere. David and I wrote the episode. Ronny Graham wrote COMMANDER PIERCE. But after looking at the finished product we along with executive producer. Burt Metcalfe determined that Ronny’s show was better so we kicked off the year with that. There was that slight continuity problem, but we felt it was worth it. Ronny’s script was terrific.   We made the right decision.

Chris asks:

Dan Harmon said he wanted nothing to do with Community after getting fired, yet he still gets an executive consultant credit, just as NBC promised. How does that work, can you get that credit (and the money for it) without having anything to do with the show?

Yep. It’s not uncommon. Usually that contingency is written into the contract. Sam Simon has a credit on THE SIMPSONS and hasn’t been involved with the show for years. Personally, I think his contribution was so enormous in those early years that he deserves the recognition.  Another example is WONDER YEARS. Neal Marlens and Carol Black received credit throughout the series run but left early on.

I always joke that the best gig a TV writer can have is “creator/deserter.”

Phil Nicols has this question:

I just saw some FRASIERS where Kelsey Grammer was the director. I wondered how an actor can direct multi-camera shoots when, presumably, they're too busy in front of the camera.

(I can understand it better for single-camera, as someone like Alan Alda on MASH isn't going to be in every shot, but multi-camera looks more difficult.)

Generally when an actor directs an episode it’s one where he’s light in the show. For multi-camera shows the actor/director really has to rely on his first assistant director and camera coordinator to monitor the performances and cameras.

Lots of actor/directors of multi-camera shows are not adept at camera blocking and thus let the camera coordinator handle camera assignments. It is a very technical and somewhat confusing process that takes time and practice to master.

Kelsey, I will say, has taken the time to study camera blocking and does assign his own cameras.

There was one actor/director I worked with (who will remain nameless) who was a great cast member, adored by his fellow actors. But when he would direct an episode he became a complete hard-ass. I suspect the pressure of the job would get to him, but boy, it was a real Jekyll & Hyde situation.  Then, the next week, when he was just a cast member, he was back to being Mr. Nice Guy.

Tim wonders:

I was watching Newsradio, and then for some reason, I wanted to watch some Frasier. And I noticed that aside from the little opening jingle and the ending theme, that Frasier had no musical soundtrack. I also noticed that the show had no exterior establishing shots. Newsradio, on the other hand, had both.

So was there a specific reason why Frasier didn't use any of those conventions or trappings?

Yes. Because every other show did and they wanted to be distinctive. Interestingly, now networks demand that all shows have truncated open titles and themes. But FRASIER was one of the first. The networks reason for this was to avoid tune-out. I disagree with that philosophy but that’s a whole ‘nother discussion.


Ed queries:

Have you ever watched a re-run of a show you wrote or contributed to and thought there was no way it could have been better? Like it was the perfect show or as perfect as it was going to get?

Well, certainly not PEACE ON US. Seriously though, no. Even in my favorite episodes there are always a few lines I’d like another whack at. That said, there are episodes I am very proud of and my tinkering would be minor.

Of course, there are other episodes I don’t particularly like for whatever reason and generally don’t re-watch them. If I’m channel surfing and come upon one I generally keep going. There must be something fun on the Hitler Channel. 

And finally, from Micah:

Do you think shows would be better if they had longer-term commitments going in -- or after say a year? Seems like you'd be able to break story arcs, character development, etc, if you could plan further out. Or does the deadline pressure help create the best shows because they HAVE to do their best or face cancellation?

It would be lovely to have an entire year going in. But realistically, that’s not feasible. What if your show tanks the first week or two (see: any NBC mid-season show this year)? No way is the network going to air twenty more episodes. And who can blame them?

However, there are two new interesting models. The 10-90 platform a few shows like Charlie Sheen’s ANGER MANAGEMENT has. If after ten episodes the network wants to renew the show they have to pick up 90 more episodes.  That's the case with ANGER MANAGEMENT.  FX is now on the hook for 100 episodes total. 

And NETFLIX orders thirteen episodes of original series like HOUSE OF CARDS and the upcoming return of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. They then offer all thirteen episodes at once. It makes it difficult to do story arcs since the viewer is free to watch the series in any order he wants, but how nice to know you get to make all the episodes ordered.

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks, guys!

The 30th anniversary of the last MASH episode

Today marks the 30th anniversary of the finale of MASH. For many years it was the single highest rated television program in history. Not sure what finally eclipsed it – either a Super Bowl or the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB episode where Chaz Bono lost seven pounds. In any event, it was an event.

Having been a writer on the show for four of its eleven years, here are some random thoughts and reflections from inside the Swamp:

How important was MASH to me personally? When producer Gene Reynolds gave my partner, David Isaacs and I our first assignment it completely changed our lives. The response to that script (“Out of Sight/Out of Mind” – season five) launched our career. Whatever success we enjoyed for the next thirty years would not have happened had Gene Reynolds not taken a chance on two young nimrods who lied and said they had also written drama besides comedy.

Meeting and working with Larry Gelbart was like taking composing lessons from Mozart. And I learned more about storytelling from Gene Reynolds than all the other writers I worked for combined.

An agent once advised that MASH writers should remove that credit from their resumes because it flagged them as too old. I would clean the grease trap at McDonalds before I took MASH off my resume. I’m enormously proud to be associated with that show, even if it means I don’t get a 2 BROKE GIRLS assignment.

A few years ago there was a MASH reunion and a group photo was taken. Standing among those brilliant actors and writers I thought to myself – this is what it must be like to be on a Super Bowl winning team. So the next day I went to Disneyland.

More fun than the last episode airing was the final wrap party. It was held on a Saturday night at Morton’s in Beverly Hills. Very swank. Very posh. We all wore our dressed greens. The great Bobby Short was hired to play. Several of us were standing around the piano listening to him sing and I turned and noticed that the person standing right next to me was Gerald Ford. (He was on the 20th Board of Directors at the time). For several minutes I just chatted up a former president of the United States. You don’t get that at the KEEPING UP WITH THE KARDASHIANS wrap party. (Of course no one at that party would even know who Gerald Ford is.)

I am so fortunate to be associated with not just one national phenomenon (MASH) but two (CHEERS) and counting. Wait until THE SIMPSONS finally ends. Of course, by that time whoever succeeds Obama will be the former president at that wrap party.

If I’m being honest, I didn’t love the finale. I thought it was too long (although I could see why the network wanted it long – ka-ching!) and I did not like some of the storylines. (Some I loved though, like the Charles subplot with the instruments.) But in particular, I had (and still have) a big problem with the story about the Korean mother who smothers her baby to silence it so villagers won’t be detected. This came from an actual event we uncovered in the research. It was around during my years. Although I find the story utterly heartbreaking, I felt it crossed a line and was too heavy for MASH. Just my opinion.

The one moment of the finale I absolutely adored was at the end when Hawkeye glanced out the helicopter and saw GOODBYE written in stones. Thanks to executive producer Burt Metcalfe for that inspired idea.

The way the script was written was each writer or writing team took turns working with Alan Alda on half hour segments. David and I were producing CHEERS that year and did not participate. We were up against them all for the WGA Award and won. I’d like to think it was due to our brilliance, but it’s tough to win a comedy award when you kill babies.

Although this was the last episode to air, it was not the last episode filmed.

With all due respect to us, the first four seasons – the Larry Gelbart/Gene Reynolds years – were the best of the series. Certainly the funniest.

The night the show aired the cast and selected staff members screened it at the studio on a movie screen. I preferred to watch it at home on a normal television. This made it more of a shared experience for me. And I didn’t have to dress up again.

And finally, there will never be another MASH. Happy 30th anniversary. I only wish Larry were still here to enjoy it.