Answering questions and dispelling myths

Hello from somewhere between Australia and New Zealand.  You can follow my progress on Twitter if you're bored enough.   Just go here.   Never standing down from my blog watch, even from the end of the earth, here are Friday Questions:

RockGolf is up first:

According to EW.com, there are plans underway for a TV series based on Romancing the Stone. Since you & your partner largely re-wrote the script for the original, can see it working as a regular series?

We re-wrote the sequel, JEWEL OF THE NILE. Big difference. I see no reason why it wouldn’t work if they stuck more to the original and less to ours and cast the show well. A romantic-adventure series sounds fun. The hardest part to cast will be Danny DeVito’s character. He added so much to both films. Hey, maybe Danny could just do it himself. He still looks great in a white suit.


birdie wants to know:

Is it true that Alan Alda's (absolutely hilarious) character in Crimes + Misdemeanors was at least partially or loosely based on him? It is listed in the imdb FAQs but you can't always trust those, so I was wondering if you have any additional insight.

No.  Not at all.  This guy was a pompous egomaniac who took delight in pontificating on comedy despite knowing nothing about it.   Alan couldn't be more gracious, humble, and down-to-earth.  He never lectured, never threw his weight around.  He was a sincere pleasure.  Trust me, if Alan were like that character he brilliantly portrayed in CRIMES & MISDEMEANORS, he would have been killed in his dressing room by season four.



LouOCNY asks:

Does every show make a gag reel up, and do some of the stars and crew get a copy of it? Some of them are so classic: the Trek ones, MASH, the LAUGH IN is funnier than the show was - I could watch Arte Johnson riffing dirty on Tyrone Horneigh (thats Hor - NAY) forever...

Most shows prepare gag reels for either their Christmas party or Wrap Party. Generally, they are not meant to be distributed. At one time the show’s editor would just slap together a montage of outtakes. But over time these gag reels became more elaborate, with graphics and themes. On CHEERS, FRASIER, and the shows we ran we always insisted on a montage of all the guest stars that appeared throughout the season, even if they only had one line. And on ALMOST PERFECT we also included shots of every crew member.

But most gag reels are filled with expletives and it’s not fair to the actors to have them released publicly. I have a couple of ours but they're not for release.  Just for private viewing and blackmail.

Usually, gag reels that are distributed have been edited to remove any real objectionable material. When you see these Dick Clark blooper shows, you’re seeing just the tip of the iceberg.

That said, I love those blooper shows. The first show I ever directed, a WINGS, Crystal Bernard drops a cake in an outtake. That has been shown numerous times and I get a nice residual check from Dick Clark every airing. Keep showing it! The cake slips out of her hands. It’s hilarious! Other blooper shows should show it too. Or maybe THE SOUP. Anyone who can write a check.

And finally, from Tamara @31dates:

I recently heard an interview on NPR with the founder of M.A.D.D. She was talking about the early days of her non-profit and how she wanted to gain public support. She mentioned that she approached Cheers and that the show helped. Can you share that story? Thanks!

As I recall, the cast did some public service announcements for them. And we made sure our characters always acted in a responsible way. We did whatever we could to champion their very worthwhile cause.

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks! Now I’ve got to get back to looking at...water.

Writing advice you might not want to hear

Since I can't think of an appropriate photo...

This is one of those Friday Questions that deserves a separate post. It’s from Chad (even though he admits that that is not his real name).  

My question is about crafting and selling scripts. You mention that story credit goes to the person who submits the episode outline. I realize this is a necessary part of the process in getting each story told...but I'm not really an outline kind of writer. I jot down some relevant notes/lines/jokes and then head into the first draft, which is where the story really takes shape. Writing the entire story in advance always throws me off because I know that when I get in the groove, it's gonna shift directions easily. So the basic question is, is this practice frowned upon and if so what's your advice on how to amend it?

Chad (or whoever you are) – how can I say this nicely? If you want a career writing for television throw out that shit and become an “outline kind of writer”. Outlines are mandatory.

Let me walk you through the process.

First off, you only have a limited amount of time to tell your story. And you have to tell another story next week. And the week after, and the week after that. You have no time for seeing where the Muse might want to take you.

TV episodes are highly structured. As a showrunner, this is my method and thinking:

Working with the staff, we arrive at a notion we feel would make a good story. We then construct the beats – usually not in a linear way (first this happens, then this, then this, then that, the end). I want to know the act breaks first. I want to know the ending. I want to know where the fun of the story is. I want to know the characters' attitudes.  Then we work back from there and fill in the rest.

Then we revise. Is there a better act break? Is there a more inventive ending? Are we getting the most bang for our buck comedy-wise? Is the show too plot driven? Are all the characters well served? Does part of the story work but part still feel undercooked?

In the interest of efficiency and good story telling, I make sure all these questions are answered before someone goes off to write the draft.

Once we’re all happy with the story I ask the writer to give me an outline. Each show is different but I like detailed outlines. 8-12 pages, complete with a lot of suggested jokes.

I give the writer notes on the outline. Sometimes minor, sometimes throwing out whole sections or subplots. If the story changes significantly I request a new outline.

Once the outline has been approved then the writer goes off and does the first draft. Usually under time constraints. But he’s got the story all worked out, the block comedy scenes all in place, and a lot of good jokes.

When my partner and I set out to write an episode, even if we’re the showrunners, we take the time to write an outline for ourselves. We just don’t have the time to feel our way around blind alleys. We can’t count on finding “our groove”.

And now more than ever, outlines are mandatory. Because now stories have to be approved not only by showrunners but by the studio and network as well. I’m not saying that’s a good thing (in fact, it’s not) but hey, that’s the new reality.

I don’t know how Aaron Sorkin or David E. Kelley (pictured right) work. I know they’re very prolific and write scripts very quickly. I suspect they may not work off outlines as lengthy as ours but (a) they still work out the story in some detail first, and (b) they’ve been doing it for so long that they’ve developed internal mechanisms to guide any mid-course corrections. But that comes after years of experience and extraordinary God given talent.

Look, here’s the bottom line: constructing stories is the hardest part of the process. It’s much easier and more fun to just go off writing. So human nature would suggest that if you can skip the hard part why not do it?

Because that method is fraught with traps. It’s inefficient, it’s unreliable, and it’s not collaborative in an industry that is built on collaboration.

So my advice? Learn to outline, and more than that – accept the process. It’s here to stay. And you know what? It’s a bitch, but it works.

Is anybody really listening?

When network ratings are low we always joke that “no one is watching”. And by nobody we mean probably a million. And yes, when that number was more like fifteen million for even low rated shows, one million seems paltry. On a smaller scale is radio. Even when you’re a small station playing informercials for colon cleanser you always assume there is somebody listening.

This theory has been put to the test.

Back in 1988 I was broadcasting minor league baseball for the mighty Syracuse Chiefs (the then-AAA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays). I had a great partner, Dan Hoard (now the voice of the Cincinnati Bengals and U. of Cincinnati) and a truly horrible radio station. Our signal was so bad at night that you couldn’t hear it in parts of the ballpark. Eventually the team sought a better station, but in my year fans would move from section 30 to section 6 to hear us once the sun went down.

During one roadtrip we traveled to Denver to play the equally-mighty Zephyrs (this was before the Rockies). The venue was the old Mile High Stadium. The park sat 70,000. For Zephyr games against us they drew maybe 2,000. So the stadium looked completely empty every game.

There was no baseball pressbox per se. They just stuck us in a luxury booth near home plate. And that was fine. There was more than enough room. But there were three rows of seats behind us and the team sold those. So there were paying customers in the broadcast booth constantly telling us to shut up. "Hey, we paid ten dollars for these seats!"

One of the games became a marathon. We were in maybe the 14th inning. It must’ve been 1:00 AM in Denver. The fans in the rows behind had long since left.  Dan was doing the play-by-play that inning. He wondered out loud how many people were listening. He said, “Tell ya what, if you’re listening right now call the station (he gave out the number) and we’ll give you two free tickets to an upcoming Chiefs game!” I was waving, “Stop! Don’t do this!  This can't end well.” It was 3:00 AM in Syracuse. But Dan went ahead.

You can probably guess how many calls we got. None. Zero. Zilch. The big goose egg. Despite several mentions (bordering on pleading).

Sometimes when someone says no one is listening, they’re RIGHT.

Oh… and when the game was over – we then had to do a half hour postgame show. Needless to say, we really gave it our all.

Hello from Melbourne, by the way.  For updates on my journey I invite you to follow me on Twitter.  Just go here.   Thanks.

R.I.P. Dick Tufeld

One of the great all-time voices has been silenced. Dick Tufeld passed away. For many years in the 50’s & 60’s he was the voice of Disney, a gazillion movie trailers, two gazillion variety shows, and the Academy Awards. He would always finish the closing announcements and say, “This is Dick Tufeld speaking.” I’m sure many people thought “Speaking” was his last name and “Tufeld” his middle.

You might know him as the voice of the robot in LOST IN SPACE. No one ever made more money saying, “Danger! Danger!”

He was a longtime friend of the family. Only once did I impose upon his talent. Back in college a friend and I tried to put together a syndicated radio series – one hour profiles of singing stars. Forget that we had no idea how to market or distribute these. But we put together a demo. I wrote the script. We needed someone to voice it. This was a program we had hoped to sell to major stations of the day like KMPC Los Angeles and WNEW New York. We couldn’t just grab some skeesix who worked at Shakey’s and whose sum total of broadcast experience was, “Number twelve, your pizza’s ready!”

So I called Dick. Asked if he’d do it as a favor. We had no money to offer but promised him a partnership. Even at the time he had to know he his chances of making a dime were the same as being hit by a meteor. But he agreed to do it anyway.

I booked a session in a recording studio, Dick arrived (on time), scanned the script, said “Okay, let’s try one.” For the next two hours he voiced the copy. And not only was he effortlessly magnificent, he could not have been more professional. He would ask if we wanted something a different way. He would do multiple takes until he was satisfied. Did we have any notes?   As if some 19 year-old pisher is going to tell Dick Tufeld how to read a line. 

Trust me, a lot of big time voice-over guys would have blown in, said, rushed through the script in one take, and split before the engineer could hit the “stop” button on the tape recorder. Not Dick. He treated this and us as if it were the General Motors campaign.

The project went nowhere. But years later when I was doing BIG WAVE DAVE’S we needed a voice-over for one line. I called Dick. He did it. It took two minutes, and we paid him a thousand dollars. I told him it was the profits on syndicated show.  Watch out for meteors. 

In a very transient business he worked for over half a century. Why? Because he was the best at what he did, and equally important over time -- he was the best person at what he did.

The only thing more beautiful than his voice was the man himself.  I will miss him.  The next time God needs an introduction it will be Dick Tufeld Speaking.

Short-sighted casting

In a follow up to a Friday Question from ChicagoJohn (who wondered if we had ever passed on an actor who later became a big star and did we have any regrets?), a few more names have come to mind.

And one rather unusual incident.   Especially in light of my post on how difficult it is to land a part in a TV series. 

Like I had said, when you pass on good actors it’s generally because they’re just not right for the particular roles.

We passed on Lisa Edelstein (but hired her for something else). We passed on one actress but made a note that she’s really funny and we should definitely keep her in mind for something else. That was Jane Lynch.  Whatever happened to her?

And then there are the actors we wanted to hire but didn’t get approved by the network. I won’t mention their names because I don’t want to embarrass any of them. Although examples of network gross misjudgment is legendary. At one time Tom Cruise, Madonna, and Tim Robbins were all not approved for projects.  And George Clooney was not approved numerous times. 

One actor we wanted to hire backed out when he found out it wasn’t a pilot but a series. He was just looking to make a big pay day on a failed pilot and then move on. When he learned this was a series and an actual commitment he ran for the hills.

Again, no names, but in one case we wrote a character with a specific actor in mind. We were thrilled that the actor agreed to meet with us. And he read it just the way we pictured it. But once we heard it we thought we could do better.

But the strangest incident was this: We were casting AfterMASH. Martin Short came in to read and was wonderful. Too wonderful.

We took him aside and said, “Look, if you want the part, it’s yours. But honestly, this role might be too restrictive for you. You’re too talented and funny for this part. We’re not sure you’d really be happy. Again, if you want it, it’s yours. We’d love to have you. And it is a regular on a (then) prestigious network series. But you might be better served elsewhere.”

He passed. We wound up eliminating the character.

Actors always talk about regretting the parts they declined. I bet there are quite a few examples of actors regretting the parts they did accept. You’re welcome, Martin.

Great letter from Eric Stonestreet

A post I wrote a couple of years ago about how tough it is for actors to get cast in TV series has suddenly gone viral.   Here's the post entitled Guys are not going to want to f**k her.   Among the comments I received a fabulous one from Eric Stonestreet -- Cam on MODERN FAMILY, so I thought I'd share it.    Thanks, Eric.  Continued success to you and every actor trying to realize their dream. 

I have read this and passed it along to other actor friends ever since you wrote it. It is such a great read and is so accurate.

I honestly lost count of how many jobs I didn't get through the years because no one thought anyone would ever wanna fuck me. Let's just say, for argument sake, it was EVERY job.

I hope what an actor takes when reading this is; so much is out of our hands. And to focus ONLY on the things that ARE in our control: The prep we put in, the read we give, the time we respect, and the courtesy we show each other.

It was 12 years before I got the job I have now. I know some have gotten breaks in a shorter time and I know very talented actors who have yet to get their break. Whatever the case, if the passion is there, keep up the fight. I am proof it can happen.

And I have taken your advice Ken. I go to the parties, do the photo shoots, do the parades, and fly on the company jet.(once) I'm enjoying the ride because I know one day it will all be over and then no one will wanna fuck me again.

Best,
Eric Stonestreet

The No-Frills Airline

After flying fourteen hours to Sydney, this seemed very appropriate. Talk about being ahead of their time -- this is a sketch from THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW from either the late '60s or early '70s. It stars Carol, Harvey Korman, and the incomparable Tim Conway. And they thought they were exaggerating.