Where are they now...if you can even remember who they are?

My last AMERICAN IDOL recap of the year will appear late tonight/early tomorrow. I’ll only recap it next year if the show gets a whole lot better than it was this season. I don’t think I could stand one more bad Alicia Keyes knockoff.

But the big finale is finally here. All of those kids we obsessed over for three months will disappear from our consciousness the minute Ryan says “Your local news is next”.

And so I started wondering, what’s happened to some of the previous AMERICAN IDOL contestants? Those household names we couldn’t remember now if we were hypnotized. So, as a public service, I have sought out many of these AI-alumni and have uncovered their whereabouts today.

RYAN STARR – (pictured above) Parlayed her singing talent to become a print model.

JULIA DEMATO– Completed her cosmetology studies in Fairfield, Connecticut and is touring the country as the “singing beautician”. Admission to her show includes dinner and a rinse.

KATHERINE MCPHEE -- Waiting for Linda Eder to retire so she can take over her career.

SCOTT SAVOL -- Just released his first CD: “Love Me or I’ll Beat the Shit Out of You”. Fan base mostly in prison.

AMANDA AVILA – (pictured right) trying to launch a singing career through her myspace page. Fan base mostly in prison.

KEVIN COVAIS (Chicken Little) – Graduated high school, now a mercenary in Rwanda. Sings Barry Manilow songs for the rebels to boost morale following a failed coup.

MIKALAH GORDON – Co-hosts AMERICAN IDOL EXTRA on cable channel 967. The buzz is she is now almost abrasive and overbearing enough to be considered for co-host of THE VIEW.

ANTHONY FEDOROV – Found better luck in his homeland. Is the current Ukrainian Idol. Really excelled on Anzhelika Rudnytska night.

MANDISA – Joining the “Legends” show at a downtown Las Vegas hotel, where singers impersonate legends (living and dead). She’ll be appearing as Fantasia.

JOHN STEVENS – Listed in Wikipedia as a former American Classic Pop Singer. Former? Jesus! He’s only 20.

JENNIFER HUDSON – Rumored to have won an Oscar. Could be the next Judi Dench.

CHARLES GRIGSBY -- Paula Abdul’s personal assistant. Hours are from midnight to two.

RUBEN STUDDARD – No one knows?

A WOMAN SAT DEAD IN FRONT OF HER TV SET FOR 42 YEARS

Thanks SO MUCH to everyone who responded to yesterday’s post. Your all-too-generous comments were greatly appreciated. Especially since – in the last two years – I’ve been accused of being a racist, sexist, plagiarist, toxic, homophobic, greedy, narcissistic, demented and my writing has been termed vile, hateful, irresponsible, and the unkindest cut of all – not funny.

The only one of those I really resent is being called demented. That's harsh and unfair.

So it’s heartening to read your lovely supportive comments. Thanks again.

Here’s a true story I’d love to see them do on COLD CASE. It was reported by the DailyRecord.co.uk:

A WOMAN SAT DEAD IN FRONT OF HER TELEVISION SET FOR 42 YEARS.

Zagreb resident Hedviga Golik fixed herself a cup of tea and sat down in her favorite armchair to watch a little TV. This was 1966. Her remains were discovered last week. The cup of tea was still by her side.

She was found by local authorities who had broken in in an effort to determine who owned the flat.

Neighbors thought she had just moved out.

A police spokesman said: "So far, we have no idea how it is possible that someone officially reported missing so long ago was not found before in the same apartment she used to live in.”

Uh, yeah… we’re heading into some serious Inspector Clouseau country here.

I know it’s a horrible story but I just can’t help imaging police breaking down the door, guns drawn, entering the living room and discovering this 42 year old corpse watching golf.

Yeah, hell. That person is right. I am demented.

My 1,000th post!

It’s only taken 2 1/2 years, several dozen anonymous hate comments I’ve had to delete, a post that led to a big brouhaha in the LA Times, numerous snarky award show and AMERICAN IDOL reviews, travelogues, movie previews, war stories, script samples, writing advice, and just general rants on anything that comes to mind whether I’m informed or not…but I have now reached 1000 posts. (For fun, here’s the very first one.)

When I began this little experiment in self indulgence a fellow blogger suggested I post at least a couple times a week in order to attract readers. So I decided why not post daily and really build a huge audience? So I did and it worked! Within three months I was getting six or seven people an hour!

Posting daily became a habit and now, incredibly, after 2 1/2 years I’m getting twice that many!

More importantly, I’ve made a lot of new friends.

And then there’s the blog swag. I’ve gotten a few books, DVD’s, and even an Astroglide mug!

This has been a fun hobby, a great outlet, and I look forward to the next thousand, although by then I should be so out of material that I’ll be telling you what I had for breakfast and what songs are on my iPod like those airhead teenagers on Facebook.

So anyway…

Today I want to hear from you. Especially you new readers and lurkers. How’d you find the blog? How long have you been aboard? Where in the world are you? What topics do you want to see more of (and less of)? Any suggestions ? When I write a TV show or a play I have the benefit of hearing an audience. But when I write a post and hit “send” it just goes out there… in silence. So it would be nice to get some feedback. I look forward to hearing from you (although I might regret that).

Thanks for your support and sticking with this blog. I know that out of 1,000 posts not every one can be a gem. Two, maybe three had to really suck.

Ken

Stage Parents: Wow, I struck a nerve with this one

Here’s another Natalie Wood picture but this time it’s because she is relevant to the post.

Getting a lot of fireworks on my recent article about stage parents. Check the comment section. Diana DeGarmo’s mother responded to my piece (hint: she didn’t love it), which set off a flurry of other responses.

First of all, I thank her for writing. As a humble little blogger it’s always an honor to receive first-hand reactions from people mentioned in my pieces. And if they spark debate, that’s even better.

I’ll let you decide where you stand on this issue. But I must offer my strong opinion that stage parents do exist and they can be very harmful to their children. Read any biography on Natalie Wood (see, I toldja it would all tie in).

Not all kids who go into show business are scarred for life. And not all supportive parents are monsters. But there are some. MANY.

I mean, for godsakes, Lindsey Lohan’s mother used her daughter’s success to get her own reality show.

Fortunately, I can't see Diana DeGarmo ever appearing in the tabloids or her mom hosting KID NATION anytime soon.

Game on, people!

I post this essay every year but even if you've read it, it's a good reminder. As for the above picture, I couldn't find anything really appropriate so when that happens I post Natalie Wood photos. What can I say? I love Natalie Wood.

Now that the networks have announced their fall schedules...

IT’S STAFFING SEASON!!!!

When a showrunner hears from the network that his pilot is not being picked up, his typical reaction is “Oh shit!” If he hears that it is getting a pick up, his reaction is also “Oh shit!” Because now he has to make the show. First order of business is putting together a staff and crew. Showrunners will get calls from agents they’ve never met, climbing on the phone and saying “Hey, guy, how was your weekend?” Like they give a shit how your weekend was. Submissions will be arriving by the truckload.

MAKE SURE YOUR SPEC IS ONE OF THEM.

You’ve slaved away for months. You’ve given it to people you trust and have revised and polished it. You’ve wisely taken out that dream sequence. Now you’re ready.

A couple of things to remember: Readers WANT to like your script. You may only get five or six pages to grab them but they’re desperately looking for the next great writer. Even if there are 500 scripts in the pile, if yours is good it’s going to be recognized. So make sure it’s in that pile.

If you have ANY connections, now is the time to use them. Call in favors. Reconnect with your estranged father. Email your former fiancée who you caught sleeping with your estranged father if her new boyfriend is in the biz. Drop the lawsuit against her even if she’ll make a call on your behalf. So what if it’s humiliating? You’re a writer. Get used to humiliation.

If you can get an agent, even a shitty agent, get him. As long as the agent is a WGA signatory you’re in business. It doesn’t matter that he’s currently renting Philip Marlowe’s old office and his last successful client wrote for MR. PEEPERS. You can do the legwork yourself. Print a bunch of copies of your spec, get his office to stamp them, then send them out yourself.

In some cases being with a small agency can be a plus because if you’re with WMA you know your agent has bigger clients he’s going to push first. That said, if WMA will take you on, thank the Gods and take it.

Check to see which, if any, studio will accept unsolicited scripts.

And finally, send your script to EVERY show you can. Don’t be picky. Send it to network shows, C/W, cable shows, Disney Channel shows, the Cartoon Network – anybody.

The goal is to get noticed. The goal is to impress. The goal is to get hired.

New writers will get their first break this staffing season. New writers will get discovered. Why not you??

Now get on that pile!!!

FRASIER: Room Service

David Isaacs and I wrote seven episodes of FRASIER. This is my favorite -- "Room Service". And this is my favorite scene. Directed by David Lee and featuring Bebe Neuwirth, David Hyde Pierce, Kelsey Grammer, and a superb cameo by John Ducey as the waiter.

It's that Upfronts time of the year

In case you might have blinked, the annual network Upfronts were this week. It’s the annual ritual where the major networks roll out their new fall schedules with great fanfare and entice Madison Avenue to buy advertising “upfront” for these new schedules based on a few clips and pilots that will be retooled or scrapped, committing billions of dollars on nothing more than blind faith. As I describe the process in my play – it’s as if you put an off-track betting window in a mental institution.

But this year it’s all been very low key, which begs the question – if the networks themselves aren’t excited about these new schedules why should we be? The networks claim they’re now adopted a new business model, programming year round. What that means is they’re waiting until midseason to roll out most of their new product (or recycled shows picked up after other networks canceled them).

In the past that’s been a good strategy, launch shows without the clutter and competition of all those fall premieres. But now that they’re all launching them together in January what’s the point? It reminds me of a bit from a HONEYMOONERS episode. Ralph and Ed have to move a heavy dresser. Ed gets the brainstorm that it would be easier if they removed the drawers. So they do… and then put them on top of the dresser.

Certainly the writers strike has been a factor. But I think the networks see that more as a convenient excuse to make fewer pilots and spend less money. In that regard I can’t blame them. For years they’ve wasted gobs of money on scripts and pilots that never got on the air. Their batting average has to be worse than Andruw Jones’.

But the answer is not to make fewer pilots. It’s to make BETTER pilots.

Hire the right people and let them carry out their vision. Trust them.

THE SOPRANOS never could have been hatched in the current system where the creator is bombarded with helpful input. Neither could SEINFELD, THE SIMPSONS, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, THE WIRE, FAMILY GUY, LOST, ER, DEXTER, and all those other good, I mean HIT shows.

Take a chance – set up your own off-track betting window. Let someone like James Gandolfini star in one of your shows even though he has a face like a knee. Give a writer who’s old enough to have a colonoscopy a shot to do the show he’s always wanted to do. You could be hugely rewarded.

And that excitement that is so clearly missing this Upfronts season will be back. Your horse will finally come in. .. while the so-called “experts” put all their money on K-VILLE to win.

They're your kids, not your clients

There should be a special place in hell reserved for stage parents. They should spend all eternity having to watch Hillary Clinton star as GYPSY and do her own singing.

The latest example of this unique form of child abuse is AMERICAN IDOL hopeful David Archuleta’s overbearing father being banned from rehearsals. No wonder when little David has to speak he sounds like a whipped puppy. You would too if your dad was the Great Santini. It’s hard enough to sing “Imagine” but when your dad is bouncing a basketball off your head during rehearsal it must really be tough.

Under the guise of “only wanting the best for their children” these parents drive their little meal tickets so hard that most wind up totally fucked up and the lucky few turn out like Brian Wilson . Social Services, please, take these kids away before they’re cast in ANNIE!

If Michael Jackson didn’t have the stage father from hell I’m sure he would have had a different life… and face.

You hear stories of toddlers standing in audition lines, 2 year olds wearing tiaras. Judy Garland was on diets and pills before she was old enough to smoke (seven).

A few years ago I went to an AMERICAN IDOL dress rehearsal and met the contestants in the make-up room. Diana DeGarmo had one of these hovering oppressive mothers. The AI staff member introduced me and mentioned some of my credits. All of the kids feigned giving a shit, politely said hello, and I left. Two minutes later Diana DeGarmo literally came sprinting down the hallway after me. She shook my hand, said what a pleasure it was to meet me, couldn’t have been more effusive and bubbly. And as she was doing this all I kept thinking was, “I bet her mother said ‘Diana, didn’t you hear what they just said? He’s a Hollywood PRODUCER. Get your ass out there and introduce yourself to that fucking idiot NOW!'”

I felt so sorry for her. As I do for all those kids who have auditioned for me over the years.

Whenever there’s a casting call, there they are – little robots just out of school, nicely dressed, sitting obediently in a room while their stage parents read VARIETY, check their Blackberrys for callbacks, and scream at agents on their cellphones. Meanwhile, these kids’ classmates are playing baseball, hanging out in the mall, ripping people on Facebook, drinking when no one’s looking -- you know, normal healthy kid activities.

And sometimes when the choice is down to two and they’re pretty equal I choose the one who I think would be screamed at the loudest if he didn’t get the part. How sad is that?

And the “lucky” ones who get the roles don’t get off too easy either.

I directed a few episodes of a series that featured a kid. He was a grizzled world-weary middle-aged man trapped inside the body of an eight-year-old. That was ten years ago. Today he’s probably golfing with Henry Kissinger.

The loss of childhood is not worth becoming an American Idol or a New Mouseketeer. In the name of all that’s decent and Natalie Wood, let your kids be kids. Let them have their own dreams.

Note to Mr. Archuleta: one loving father is worth more than 30,000,000 votes.

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 3

The fun weeks of AMERICAN IDOL are over. All the interesting stoners, tattoo ladies, hayseeds, emotional wrecks, biker chicks, foreigners, cretins, cheerleaders, divas, endomorphs, satyrs, and future serial killers have been voted off. Now it’s down to three and you know who’s going to win so it’s kind of like dragging a dead horse across the finish line to shoot it.

Sorry to say but AMERICAN IDOL has jumped the shark. I think it was the night Danny Noriega sang “Jailrock Rock.”

The format has gotten tiresome. We’re sick of seeing the damn Coca Cola backdrop. Tired of saying “Who the hell is that?” after each audience shot of a so-called “celebrity” (like we’re supposed to recognize the great Diane Warren). And bored to tears of hearing “in the zone,” “ you look gorgeous tonight”, and “you could sing the phone book, dawg”. At least Paula mixes it up by critiquing performances that hadn't happened yet.

If there was a theme this week it was “going through the motions”. David Archuleta, without the benefit of his dad Geppetto (banned from rehearsals by producers – my post tomorrow is on stage parents and why they should all be shot out of cannons) sang one of Billy Joel’s lesser efforts, then got down with “With You” displaying a funky side we haven’t seen since the Carpenters, and finally – the douchiest love song maybe ever, “Longer”. I contend it's impossible to sit through that song if you have a gag reflex.

But the little girls in the Idoldome screamed. So who cares? He’s going to win.

The one stand-out performance for me was David Cook singing Roberta Flack’s 70s hit, “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” (or, as I used to call it in my disc jockey days – “The First Time Ever Your Face was Sawed”.) Too bad he’s going to lose. His other two songs were better than anyone else’s. Too bad he’s going to lose. I think the Democratic Convention will have more suspense than the crowning of this year's Idol.

Poor Syesha Mercado was just schmuck bait – someone else to fill out the show. She sang her heart out, vamped, and even danced in slacks. And I’m sure as you read this they’re doing the final edits on her “have a nice life” tribute video. But not winning doesn't mean she'll have no career. Former losers have gone on to be huge rock stars, win Oscars, appear on Broadway, and lose ten pounds on the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

Next week I’ll just recap the finale. Although truthfully, I could be like Paula and just review it now.