Friday Questions

Ah, the unofficial start of summer and higher gas and airline prices! Let’s get your holiday weekend started with some Friday Questions.

Mark is up first.

I read that they did write a script for Cleese to return to Cheers, but he turned it down. So the character was rewritten and recast with John McMartin for the episode "The Visiting Lecher" (McMartin's character is an old colleague of Frasier's, similar to Cleeses's).

No. Peter Graves was supposed to play that part but flaked out at the last moment – winning no friends among the CHEERS producers.

Joe asks:

Ken, there was a rumor going around for a while that the cast of “Friends” would reunite for a brand new season of the show, ten years after it had gone off the air. I could see this working maybe with monster hits like “Sienfeld” or “Friends”. Do you think something like that could ever really work, years after a highly successful show ended?

First off, it'll never happen with FRIENDS or FRASIER.  Not a chance.   Larry David pulled it off in a sense with the SEINFELD reunion as part of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM but even then they were playing themselves, not the characters.

But Jennifer Aniston is now a movie star, Courtney Cox has her own series, as does Matt LeBlanc. David Schwimmer is off doing theater, and Lisa Kudrow is always busy with some fun project or another. Matthew Perry’s latest series was just cancelled so he’s available, but I hope he winds up on THE GOOD WIFE instead.

There are several problems with resurrecting a series. It’s almost impossible to catch lightening in a bottle twice. The zeitgeist has moved on.

Another issue: will the series premise still hold up? Do you want to see those FRIENDS characters or SEINFELD characters still single, bouncing around aimlessly when they’re 50? Do you want to see Sam Malone chasing hot babes when he’s 60? It's no longer funny but sad.  And if you change the premise and everyone has grown up, moved on, had kids, etc. then it’s not the same show. And the new version is probably not as good.

One final thing: let’s be honest, like with your old high school sweetheart – sometimes it’s better to just hold onto the memory than see them today, if you know what I mean.

HOWEVER… if you bring a series back only a few years after it’s gone off the air it might have a chance. We’ll see this weekend with ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT premiering on Netflix, and next spring when 24 returns. But Kiefer Sutherland can still climb a fence. I don’t think you’d want to see Jack Bauer chasing bad guys when he’s eligible for AARP.

William Gallagher wants to know:

What do you think about stage directions in a script? From what I've read, you and David Isaacs often write quite sparsely but then you'll have a terrific line that the audience will never see.

I'm thinking most particularly of Frasier: Room Service where, having revealed Niles and Lilith in bed, your script says: "And if that's not an act break, we don't know what is."

David and I will do that from time to time just to reward people for actually reading our stage direction. Most people skip over it. So it’s a little incentive.

But yes, keep stage direction brief.  And thanks for noticing!

And finally, from John:

Ken, if I remember right, you said your favorite season of Cheers was Season 1 with the establishment and development of the characters. But since the show tends to be divided by fans into the pre- and post-Shelly Long years, do you have a favorite year among Seasons 6-11 for the Kirstie Alley episodes?

No. I have favorite episodes that are sprinkled throughout those years, and I think that some of our best episodes were written during that period, but no one season stands out for me.

And to answer your next question  -- there are those episodes from that era I consider our best –

“To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”
“The Big Kiss-Off”
“Rat Girl”
“Death Takes a Holiday on Ice”
"Loathe and Marriage"
"Finally Pt 1 & 2"
And the Bar Wars series.

What’s your question? Please submit in the comments section and drive carefully.

How I'd fix MAD MEN

MAD MEN is a wonderful show. It has richly deserved all the many honors it has received. Part of its appeal is that the viewer has to work a little to fully appreciate what's going on. He has to decipher subtle clues and make connections between events and moments – some that are separated by three or more seasons. The viewer is usually rewarded for such diligence with a deeper understanding of the characters and themes. And you get to feel superior to all the nimrods who think HAWAII FIVE-O is complex.

But this season it's become harder for even us diehard fans to follow. This was one of my Tweets from yesterday:

"I still haven't figured out last Sunday's #MadMen." -- Sherlock Holmes

According to what I've heard and read, Sherlock and I are not alone. In last Sunday's chapter: Everyone was on meth, Don was pitching gibberish, there were flashbacks where the kid they got to play young Don Draper (who at the time was young Dick Whitman) looked nothing like either Don or Dick, there were symbolic wooden spoons and moles, a burglar posing as the mom from GOOD TIMES, Betty no longer was a brunette and no longer wore a fat suit, hippies roamed the ad agency, Joan was nowhere to be seen, and the cast now equals the population of Lichtenstein. It was like somebody watching DR. WHO for the first time plus it was dubbed in Mandarin.

MAD MEN rolls out these more confusing episodes at their own peril. Loyal fans may throw their hands up and say it's just not worth it. Or they may get disgusted or even insulted that the show doesn't seem to care that they don't get it.

And it's not like they can make a mid-season adjustment. All of the episodes for this year have been filmed. If fans are fleeing there's nothing they can do.

Ah, but there is.

And so, as a passionate MAD MEN viewer, I offer these few suggestions to help bring the flock back into the fold.

At the end of each episode, instead of those nonsensical preview snippets (“This can't continue!” cut to: “I'm going to lunch” cut to: “I hate dogs!” cut to: “You...” cut to: “Lettuce?”) distribute a reading list of books that must be read by the next episode. The recent DR. FEELGOOD biography would have been on last week's list. Maybe five or six a week. It's a small price to pay.

For the “Previously on MAD MEN” segment – expand that each week to an hour. So lengthen the show to two hours.

Use Pop Up videos during the episode. Quick little blurbs like “Don gave Sylvia a red dress but equates red to being a whore and he detests whores because his mother was one and died during Don's birth and he was raised by whores so by giving Sylvia a red dress he is in essence calling her a whore.”

Flash one of these on the screen every ten to fifteen seconds to enrich the viewer's experience.

At the halfway point, instead of a commercial break, have James Brown and the rest of the CBS NFL TODAY crew analyze what we've seen so far. Let Dan Marino, Boomer Esiason, Bill Cowher, Shannon Sharpe, Jason La Canfora, and Lesley Visser kick around the plot points and get you ready for the second half. For example: they could compare the shots they've all gotten before big games. Also, throw in some highlights.

Instead of airing the show in spanish on the SAP channel, provide a running commentary, a la a director's track on DVD's.

Furthermore, form chat groups with each others so you can text back and forth during the episode and keep those slower members (I.Q.'s of only 130, the poor wretches) up to speed.

Encourage the faithful to hit pause, go back three or four times if there was something they didn't understand.  Watch the show in slo-mo if necessary.

That's it.  And you'll notice that nowhere did I suggest they alter their content or storytelling.  

Will these steps eliminate all confusion and bring back your loyal legion of fans? I don't know. But it's a start.

Any books I should be reading for Sunday night?   It's Thursday already. 

Location, location, location

My cable company offers a couple of nostalgia channels featuring old time series. I like to call it the “Doesn’t Hold Up Network” because a lot of these shows that I remember loving back in the day are now just awful. Who knew the years wouldn’t be kind to GIDGET?

The reason I find myself stopping at one of these channels (besides hoping to see Claudine Longet guest star as a murderer) is that as a kid growing up in LA, I recognize most of the locations that they used. So it’s kind of like stepping into a time machine, except the past is in black-and-white and I can fast forward through the assisted living commercials.

But a lot of local landmarks that have long since been turned into Jiffy Lubes and Casa de Cockroach apartments reappear in all their glory behind Honey West and Amos Burke.

ROUTE 66 is a great one for Way Back Machining. One week they were in the old Marineland and the next they stopped off at Jungle Land, home of many ferocious tranquilized animals. It’s a good thing the scenery is so nostalgic because the show itself was terrible. The dialogue tried to be Paddy Chayefsky and actor George Maharis tried to be, well… an actor. Long florid speeches filled with imagery and dripping with classical references describe a dog that chewed up a garden. What’s disconcerting is that at the time this show originally aired in the ‘60s I thought it was incredibly deep. Of course that's not why I watched it.  I was just hoping to see Claudine Longet with a gun.

What struck me most about these old hour shows is how cheesy the production values were. Today a cable show like SUITS and THE AMERICANS looks as sumptuous and well lit as a feature. If they get 3,000,000 viewers a week they're lucky.   Back then, on network television drawing an audience of 30,000,000 those old shows looked like they were made for $22. Except for Jack Webb-produced shows like DRAGNET and ADAM-12. $22 was the budget for the entire season.

Sidebar: Harry Morgan told me this -- Ever notice on DRAGNET that Webb & Morgan wore the same suit every day? That’s because they went out one day and shot footage of them getting in and out of cars and going in and out of buildings, and to match those all year long they had to be in those suits. I told Harry, “Well, at least you don’t have the problem of having to wear the same thing every day here on MASH. Oh…wait a minute…”

I think the difference is that audiences today have much higher expectations. They can spot a cheapo production. With HD cameras they can make home movies that look way better than KOJAK. (By the way, I see a lot of San Fernando Valley locations in KOJAK – a show set in New York.)

That’s something else I'm always on the lookout for – LA locations masquerading as other parts of the world. I once saw the Burbank airport substituted for Miami. Can’t think of many mountain ranges behind the actual Miami airport. The Fugitive traveled all around the country but one out of three small towns all seemed to have the same Main Street. How dumb was Inspector Girard that he never figured that out? 

So even though a lot of these programs don’t stand the test of time I still have a great fondness for them. What a treat that the Los Angeles of my youth has been so captured on film. I feel bad that kids growing up in Los Angeles today won’t have that same luxury. With production costs what they are, it’s now the kids in Vancouver who will be able to look back and see their city as it is today.

The great Mel Brooks

Great PBS special last night on Mel Brooks – truly one of the funniest people in the galaxy. I recently got the box set DVD's of his work and it's been a true joy revisiting the laughs.

Happy to say I've met him several times. The first was when I was working at the KIIS Broadcasting Workshop. He was at the radio station promoting his new movie, YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. Even then he was an idol of mine. Between THE PRODUCERS, BLAZING SADDLES, and the 2000 YEAR OLD MAN he was already a comedy God. I tentatively approached him the hallway, introduced myself and when I said my last name (pronounced La-Vine) he got me in a headlock and said, “From now on it's pronounced La-VEEN!”

A few years later when my partner David Isaacs and I were on MASH, one of our staff members was Ronny Graham (a funnyman worthy of his own post). Ronny was good friends with Mel. They had worked together in sketch reviews and wrote together on numerous projects (including SPACE BALLS). MASH was filmed at 20th and Mel was based there as well.

Sometimes at the end of the day Mel would wander into the writers room and hang with Ronny... and us. And always he was entertaining. So quick! So funny! Imagine getting a private show from Mel Brooks!

In most interviews Mel will tell a story about once being at a studio and meeting Cary Grant. He was completely in awe of him. Eventually he mustered the courage to introduce himself and they wound up going to lunch. Cary had such a good time he invited Mel to lunch the next day too. This continued day after day until finally Cary called his office and Mel said to his secretary, “Tell him I'm not here.”  I bring up this story for a reason.

So one night after work we're in the MASH writing room watching a dramatic Dodgers-Phillies NLCS playoff game when Mel pops in. He sits down and is hilarious as usual, except this time we really want to watch the game. It was the Cary Grant story. Three years before I was so in awe I almost couldn't approach him and now I was thinking, “Jesus! When is he gonna leave?”

But that was one isolated incident. Otherwise, I cherished the times I was privileged to be in his presence.

I still see him from time to time in our neighborhood sushi joint. God bless him, he's still holding court and delighting audiences, be they two or two million.

Most nights he has dinner with his dear friend, Carl Reiner. What I wouldn't give to be at one of those. And the Dodgers suck this year so there'd never be a reason to want to watch the game instead.

Thanks for the laughs and inspiration, Mel. Keep going for another 80+ years.

If I retooled AMERICAN IDOL

AMERICAN IDOL has announced it will undergo a major facelift in order refresh a clearly dying franchise. Not only do I not know who was crowned last week’s AMERICAN IDOL, I didn’t even know the finals were on. And I used to review the show every week the first five or six years. The judges are being replaced (even Randy, which is like closing the barn door ten years after the animals had escaped) and changes in the format are being considered. Allow me to project what I would do and what the show would look like as a result. I imagine some folks from Fox will read this and say “why don’t we hire Ken to fix all our shows?” I’m available for the right price.

OPENING TITLES. Same except for a slight name change. In big letters we see THE VOICE and then in smaller letters of american idol.

CUT TO THE IDOL DOME, THE SCREAMING FANS AND THEN TO THE STAGE WHERE JAY LENO ENTERS. 

JAY: Thank you, thank you. Anybody see the Dodger game last night? Who are these guys? I thought I was watching the Witness Protection Program. (hilarious laughter) And did you see where President Obama got a haircut? Yeah, he got a haircut.  Did you see those photos? Not a good job, Mr. President. He must’ve gone to Fantastic Uncle Sam’s. (Even more hilarious laughter) But anyway, we got a great show for you tonight. The theme is songs your parents sang in the car when you were between five and seven. As always, let’s meet our judges. First, the lovely Ann Curry!

(Applause)

ANN: Thank you.

JAY: Everytime I say your name I wanna eat Indian food. (big laugh)

ANN: Why?

JAY: Never mind. My mistake. And also we have music icon, Bob Dylan!

(Applause)

BOB: Thanegyldgigpgooo.

JAY: And finally, Marlee Matlin!

(Big applause. She signs “hello”)

JAY: Alright, America, let’s meet your Top Ten!

TEN PEOPLE FILE IN, RANGING IN AGE FROM 80 TO 6. HALF THE WOMEN HAVE BABIES IN TOW, AND THE GUYS LOOK LIKE THE VILLAGE PEOPLE.  BIG APPLAUSE. 

JAY: Say hello to Renaltina, Soophran, Thor, Ignatz, Pleimonemony-Beth, Madonna, Billy Joe Bob Tom, Cosmopolitan, and the twins Saramardja and Keith! (Applause) Okay, let’s get this show on the road. I haven’t been this excited since Conan got audited. (Big laugh) First up is Thor singing “the Theme from Rocky.”

MUSIC STARTS AND THOR LAUNCHES INTO HIS SONG.

THOR (singing): Gotta fly now, gotta fly now, gotta fly now, gotta fly.

HE FINISHES TO A THUNDERING REACTION. CUT TO THE AUDIENCE WHERE KEIFER SUTHERLAND IS APPLAUDING. UNDER KEIFER SUPER: 24 RETURNS IN MAY.

JAY: Great job. You know there’s a statue of Sylvester Stallone in Philadelphia – otherwise known as the “Little Bell.” (big laugh). So judges, what did you think? Bob?

BOB: Igheighexhejr ihtpsehtlmwe theiswoe weuantmetnetitltaw.

JAY: Right. Marlee?

MARLEE: Bob…said…what…I…was…going…to…say.

JAY: Good enough. Ann?

ANN: I was over in Afghanistan recently and found that anthems like that designed to motivate aggressive behavior in actual fact created a sense of false confidence that was ultimately counter-productive. They’re misleading, deceptive, and in reality put our soldiers in harm’s way. So I didn’t love it.

MARLEE: What…did…she…say?

BOB IS INCENSED THAT ANN PANNED THE SONG. HE LETS HER HAVE IT.

BOB:   Aneyltieyt meitshent diet dkit pwielcmsth eige msotxmmtak!

ANN STARTS TO CRY.

JAY: Oh here we go. Bob, apologize or America will hate you.

BOB: Ighehme thepwyye xhptyiishpt!

ANN: (still sobbing) I want a production deal!

JAY: We’ll talk about this during the break.

ANN: Bob has always had it in for me.

JAY: I’m sure that’s not true.

ANN: “Positively Fourth Street” – that was about me!

JAY: You were ten when that came out.

ANN: Oh? You too? I should have known.

JAY:  Me?

ANN:  You never fought for me at NBC!

JAY:  You never fought for me!

BOB: Yithpw thephg eith oqealxmmt uet ehwpieilp.

MARLEE: Bob…makes…a…good…point.

ANN:  Jimmy Fallon is funnier.

JAY:  At least people liked me at NBC when they fired me!

BOB: Uhg heulgthwweeen!

MARLEE FLASHES ANGY HAND SIGNS.

ANN (swatting her away):  Get your freakin' hands out of my face.

THE THREE JUDGES AND JAY BEGIN YELLING AT EACH AND EVENTUALLY PUNCHING EACH OTHER.

JAY: I haven’t lost control like this since the last CHEERS show. Hey,  If you want to vote for Thor folks, the number is 1-888-VOICE-01. Be right back. Max Greenfield’s gonna stop by later. Stick around.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL.

There you go. That's just a taste. But be honest, if you saw that wouldn’t you watch AMERICAN IDOL again? Fox, I’m expecting a call.

My toughest interview

In the minor leagues I had to do a pre-game interview every day.  Most of the players were happy to talk to me, but not all.  This is me interviewing Syracuse Chief, Lou Thornton in 1988.   By the way -- still easier than interviewing Barry Bonds. 

My commencement speech to the Class of '13

June is the graduation time of year. I guess a hundred years ago those commencement speakers were inspiring and offered thoughts and insights that were new and fresh. But now, Jesus! Be your own person. Never give up. You have a responsibility to society. Success comes from within. Show courage. You can make a difference. Set aside time to smell the roses. Let faith be your guide. Blablablablabla.

I’ve never been asked to be a commencement speaker and that’s probably a good thing because here’s some of the advice I might give:

Live at home with your parents as long as you can. Otherwise you’ll have to find a job. Rents are high. And then there’s laundry, food, and the family big screen.

Know that the music you think is so cool now will be laughed at by future generations.

Same with clothes.

Don’t follow your current favorite group around the country for the next thirty years. That becomes sad year one.

If you are going to honor your dear departed kitty Fluffy with a tattoo make sure all your subsequent pets are also named Fluffy.

Eat bad foods. You’re at an age when you can get away with it. And eat them at midnight. There’s plenty of time in the future for watching your carbs, eating your vegetables, avoiding red meat, and laying off the Yodels and Ring Dings. Soon enough you won’t be able to eat a bite after 8:00 without spending the night in the porcelain canyon . Do you want fries with that? Damn right you do!

Don’t buy SUV’s.

Practice safe and frequent sex. Have many romances and then fall in love when you’re 30.

Go back and study the history of your chosen field. Things actually happened before 1995.

Don’t blame your parents for everything. Your peers screwed you up just as much.

Sleep. It’s better for you than Red Bull.

You can no longer take an "incomplete".

Prepare yourselves. There will come a day – in your lifetime – that they will stop making original episodes of THE SIMPSONS. I know you don't believe me but it's true.

There’s a special bond having shared the school experience together. Stay in touch with your classmates. Even the ones you’ve slept with.

Don’t invest money in video stores.

Read novels that aren’t graphic.

Join communities that aren't virtual.

Save your journal or private diary. In twenty years you’re going to get such laughs.

Dream big but always have contingency plans. And then have contingency plans for your contingency plans.

Keep your student ID card. Use it to get into movies cheaper.

Guys, don’t wear hats. You’ll have plenty of time for that later once you’ve lost your hair.

Never take comedy traffic school.

Buy your alcoholic beverages by the glass or bottle, not the keg.

And finally -- Don’t sweat it if you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life. There’s a good chance the job you'll eventually want hasn’t been invented yet.

Congratulations to the class of '13. Now get out there and don’t fuck up my Social Security.

My final word (I hope) on Zach Braff and Kickstarter

I thought I was going to drop this subject but there have been more developments and I’ve been barraged by requests to comment. And since I can’t produce a slick video and get fifty major websites to embed it like some people can, I’ll have to take one more day on the blog to respond. Tomorrow I’m back to the usual nonsense I promise.

After getting the money he begged for on Kickstarter for his follow-up movie to GARDEN STATE, Zach Braff now has “gap” funding from Worldview productions. The Kickstarter campaign drew enough attention that he was able to achieve what he set out to do originally and that is get a movie financed that guaranteed him autonomy. I hope he refunds some of the Kickstarter money and I suspect he will. This was never a scheme to swindle anyone. And I have always said I admire that Braff wants to be true to his vision. But in essence those who donated money to his Kickstarter campaign were providing Braff bait. You were kind of pawns.

And again, young filmmakers in Kalamazoo don’t have the access to leverage their Kickstarter largesse and fame into making a financing deal with a production entity.

This gets back to the argument I originally made that in my opinion crowd funding sites should be championing the little guy, not $22 million dollar celebrities. For that opinion I have taken a lot of criticism. Who am I to say who should be allowed on Kickstarter? Who made me Grand Poobah of the internet? Hey people, do what you want. Support whoever you please. Buy Zach Braff a new Tesla if you like. But I think it’s wrong.

Kickstarter, in a response to my article and others like it, maintained support for Braff and other notables. Well, of course they did! Celebrities draw attention to their website and bring in more traffic.   If there’s a big winner in this whole brouhaha it’s not Zach Braff, it’s Kickstarter. Does the increased traffic result in more funding for the small productions? Maybe. I hope so. But it sounds suspiciously like the “Trickle Down Theory” to me. It’s up to you to decide whether that worked.

But it seems I am not alone in my stance. Kevin Smith, who I have never met, has been trying to get the financing to make CLERKS 3. On Reddit recently he wrote this:

"We nearly Kickstarted the budget back in November, but now I'm feeling like that's not fair to real indie filmmakers who need the help. Unlike back when I made CLERKS in '91, I've GOT access to money now - so I should use that money and not suck any loot out of the crowd-funding marketplace that might otherwise go to some first-timer who can really use it.

"So if I can get away with it, I'm gonna try to pay for CLERKS III myself. As much as I love the crowd-funding model (and almost did it myself in early 2009 with RedStateGreen.com), that's an advancement in indie film that belongs to the next generation of artists. I started on my own dime, and if I'm allowed, I should finish on my own dime."

Sound familiar?

Other points:

In his glossy promotional video Zach Braff maintains that studios would interfere with his casting choices. He recently signed Anna Kendrick (a hot actress with an Academy Award nomination) and Josh Gad (the toast of Broadway in BOOK OF MORMON and a highly sought-after TV and film actor). Uh… what studio would veto those choices? It’s not like he wanted to hire me to play one of the roles. If he was going to hire all unknowns or even non-actors I could see where a studio might have serious reservations. This is a business. But Braff just hired two hot extremely talented young bankable actors. So I don’t buy that argument unless he intends to have Josh Gad play his mother.

One final thought: Just because a celebrity goes on Kickstarter does not automatically mean they’ll fund their project. Poor Melissa Joan Hart. Despite her vow that she’ll follow you for a year on Twitter (maybe the greatest incentive EVER), she has failed to secure financing for her movie. She hoped for $2 million and got $51,605 from only 315 supporters. But the good news is that’s 315 fewer people she has to follow.

Okay, that’s hopefully it for me.  Zach, I await your next video.