Wednesday, March 21, 2018

EP64: Surviving Hollywood Rejections

Everyone in show business gets rejected. Ken shares some of his most memorable rejections and offers tips to help you rise above them. 

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

I miss comic strips

There are fewer and fewer comic strips these days. Not surprising considering there are fewer and fewer newspapers. And the one still hanging on are shrinking.

Yet fans of comic strips are DIEHARD fans. Whenever I bring up the topic on this blog I get a flood of comments; most very passionate. And I think that’s great. Keep 'em coming.

There is something about comic strips that instills fierce loyalty. Next to politics I think our country is most divided over Calvin & Hobbs.  But TV series can only dream of such loyalty. 

Since I no longer get a daily paper (I used to for years but they just started stacking up unread – I followed the news through the internet like everybody else), I rarely see the comic page. But when I do I’m usually disappointed. The jokes just aren’t that funny.

Were they funnier when I was a kid and there were way more strips? Probably not. My sense of humor was less than razor-sharp when I was 10. But I loved them. I loved the draftsmanship. I also loved the link to the past. Most of these strips were created before I was born. There was a sense of history and legacy to them. It was kind of cool that my dad and I both loved Popeye as a kid.

At one time, when I was in high school, I thought having a nationally syndicated comic strip would be a nifty way to make a living. I was a pretty fair cartoonist back then. In researching it more closely I learned that it was extremely hard to enter the field. Very very few new strips broke through.

But that wasn’t my biggest deterrent. It was the fact that I would have to come up with seven new jokes a week. Every week. Who could possibly survive under that pressure? Now of course, in television, I had to come up with seven jokes every fifteen minutes and do it for decades. But at the time it was a daunting task.

I did however get a comic strip into one paper. It was the local Woodland Hills weekly paper and this is when I was in high school. My strip was about teenagers (duh!), and I delivered a finished panel (all in pen & ink just like the big boys) every week. The strip ran for maybe three months. But then I was downsized. The paper was cutting back and my strip was a real luxury. I was making $5 a month.

Ultimately, I think I made the smarter choice to go into screenwriting. But it breaks my heart to see the slow decline of comic strips. At its best it’s a wonderful art, and today more than ever, we need all the creative outlets we can find.  Good Grief! 

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

A writers' dirty little secret for actors

There are numerous situations on television series where the actors are at odds with the writers. Usually over the way actors treat the scripts.

But here’s what these actors don’t understand:

If you are respectful of the writers, if you present your concerns in a positive way, if you don’t antagonize them you will only be helping YOURSELF.

I’ve been in both situations — casts that were lovely and casts that were nightmares. Usually in those latter cases it’s one monster (no names but see the picture) who poisons it for everybody.

On the shows where the actors were lovely the writers bent over backwards to give them great stuff. They were also incredibly protective of the actors and their characters. More protective sometimes than the actors were themselves. We made sure characters didn’t come off too stupid or insensitive. We made sure every actor was being serviced. We’d say so-and-so has gone three pages with really nothing to do. Let’s give her a big joke.

Listen actors — we don’t need YOU to tell us you need more jokes. We don’t need YOU to tell us your character is being unnecessarily heartless. But if you do, if you throw the script back in our face, if you just tank scenes you don’t like you do so at your own peril. Yes, we may fix something you screamed about. But in the room you’ll have no advocates. No one will want to stay one minute later to see if we might give you a better joke. We’re professionals and we’ll turn out professional product. But don’t expect any allegiance. Don’t expect anyone to fight on your behalf. Don’t expect one of the writers to be bothered by a story point and have it keep him awake for one minute.

On the other hand, treat us with respect, consider our feelings, think of us as partners not enemies, and we’ll walk through walls for you. Like I said, YOU’RE the one who most benefits. And all it takes is simple human decency. Well, simple for some actors.

Monday, March 19, 2018

Will the real David Letterman please stand up?

It’s been a Letterman weekend. The OPEN ALL NIGHT clip I posted Saturday and then I watched his new Netflix series where he conducts in depth interviews. The one I watched (of course) was the one with Barack Obama.

Obama, of course, was magnificent. Charming, funny, articulate, smart, and caring. But what struck me was Letterman. I thought to myself, “Who is this guy?” It’s like he’s adopted a new public persona.

This David Letterman has grown a ridiculous gray beard, let himself go, and now seems to pass himself off as a man of great conscience and concern for humanity. Huh? We see him walking the bridge in Selma with John Lewis and at one point to Obama he makes this confession that when the Civil Rights marchers were there originally he was on a cruise to the Bahamas, and he almost mists up when he says, “Why wasn’t I in Selma?” WTF? David Letterman a freedom fighter? He made it sound like he’s been haunted by this guilt his entire life. That’s a lovely sentiment, but I’m sorry, I don’t believe it for a second.

I have been a fan of David Letterman’s dating back to when I first knew him as an aspiring stand-up at the Comedy Store in the mid-‘70s. I LOVED his NBC morning show, also loved his NBC late night show, and thought his CBS show was… okay. But in every case he was playing a “character.” Originally the wholesome kid from the Midwest who had a mischievous edge eventually morphing into a cranky curmudgeon and now an… I dunno, national treasure? But none of those are really Dave.

At first he was a very ambitious young man. Eventually he became very sullen, very bitter (why I don’t know), very closed off.

But all the years I’ve watched him, both on stage and on television I never feel I’m seeing a genuine person. And it's one thing if you’re a comic and do your one hour set. Steve Martin is not a wild & crazy guy. But if you’re going to be on television for an hour a night for thirty years I would like to think I’m getting to actually know you. Jimmy Kimmel feels more genuine to me. So does Jon Stewart. Even John Oliver. Yes, he’s revved up but I get the sense that’s the real him.

David Letterman keeps trying on characters. Maybe the problem is HE doesn’t really know who he is. But I'll become a much bigger fan when he figures it out. 

Sunday, March 18, 2018

If you have no plans for tonight

And in you're in the LA magnificent megalopolis, come see a Cafe Play I wrote for the Ruskin Theatre Group in Santa Monica.   These are plays we wrote this morning, are being rehearsed now, and performed tonight at 7:30 and 9:00.  Here are details.  It's always a fun night.  Say hello if you come.  I'll be there for both shows. 

The comedy rule of 2's

If only this could get me membership in the Magic Castle.

I have this astounding ability to watch a lot of sitcoms and pitch the jokes mere seconds before the actors say them, almost verbatim. It’s an amazing skill. Houdini never could do that. Audiences are mystified.  Talk about magic. 

Of course, the truth is that after years of writing comedy I just can identify the most obvious punchlines. And there are shockingly way too many sitcoms that are guilty of this.

You might think this is a byproduct of multi-camera shows where rhythms have become stale and predictable, but single-camera shows are sometimes worse. They often resort to irony so it’s not even jokes. It’s catch-phrases or “Gee, THAT went well.”

If I can predict a joke it’s just lazy writing. Either that or the staff is just not very good. So I choose to believe it’s laziness.

What’s keeping me out of the Magic Castle is that by now you’ve seen so many sitcoms that you too can probably perform this psychic skill.

I blame the showrunners. Someone has to approve these clams. Someone has to say, “Yeah, that’s good enough.” Someone has to say, "Fine.  I've got Lakers tickets." 

On CHEERS we had the rule of 2’s. If the writing staff was working on a joke and any two writers pitched essentially the same punchline we automatically discarded it. Didn’t even matter if it was funny.  Our feeling was that if two writers could come up with the same joke so could some audience members. And so it was quickly jettisoned. There was no debate. Ever.

When you’re trying to come up with a joke sometimes your first punchline might be the obvious one. Especially if you came up with it quickly. Learn to dig deeper. Is there a better joke? Is there a fresher joke? Is there something more unexpected? Maybe even something from out in leftfield?

Because sitcom audiences are more sitcom savvy your job is much harder now than it was back when we were writing CHEERS. And yet, I bet if you watch a CHEERS today there will still be jokes that surprise you and make you laugh.

Now I realize that not every show is CHEERS or is even going for the type of humor we went for. But you can strive to be the best in your genre, whatever it is. 

I know it sounds like a real contradiction. Comedy writing is a highly competitive business and yet high-priced comedy writers often get away with being lazy. I suppose it’s a matter of personal pride. Just consider this:  The last thing you want is for me to thank you for getting into the Magic Castle.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Here's a TV rarity

There was a very short-lived show called OPEN ALL NIGHT.  I believe it was 1981.  It lasted 13 weeks on ABC.  David Isaacs and I wrote two of the episodes and appeared in one.  Shockingly, we were nominated for a WGA Award for one of our OPEN ALL NIGHT episodes.  (Yes, we lost. The show was off the air by then and the company disbanded.)   But it was a very funny show about an all-night convenience store created and ran by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses, who produced the best years of THE BOB NEWHART SHOW.

The show was very nutty.  And from time to time they had bizarre cameos.  Here's one of strangest.  David Letterman on OPEN ALL NIGHT. 

Friday, March 16, 2018

Friday Questions

This turned out to be an all MASH Friday Question day.

Joe starts with a question about the MASH article that ran in the Hollywood Reporter a few weeks ago.

Great article, but I have one question, Ken. They said Gene Reynolds and Larry Gelbart both left after season 4, but Gene stayed another year, right?

Also, he was listed as a creative consultant for the rest of the show. How much was he involved when you and David were running the writers room?

Yes, Gene stayed for season five and was the showrunner. He left after that to run LOU GRANT for MTM. But he remained a consultant.

Once a week, David Isaacs, Burt Metcalfe, and I would go up to Gene’s house with outlines. Gene would go over them and make suggestions for improvements. It was a weekly master class on story structure. I can’t begin to calculate how much I learned from those sessions. Gene has the uncanny ability to hear a story and almost instantly know what’s wrong with it and what would make it better.

To this day, when I’m stuck on a story I think to myself: What would Gene do?  He's the best I ever worked with in that department. 

From Pete Grossman:

The show was peppered with Yiddish words - Hawkeye yelling "Dreck!" (Shit) during the river of liver and ocean of fish scene; "Mazel Tov" (Good Luck [said with a congratulatory tone] uttered from Pat Morita's character; Col. Potter responding with "Emis" [truth] later in the show's run. For the last one, I remember watching it with my father when it first aired and my dad asking me, "How does Col. Potter know Yiddish?" Sure, there's a certain conceit, but wondering how much it was discussed if at all, as most of the population isn't quite up on their "farshtand" (understanding) of the language. Thanks!

I suspect that was Larry Gelbart’s sensibility. And I think it stems not so much from Larry trying to make the characters more Jewish but from his love of words and language. Larry was always looking for colorful words and expressions you might not expect. It’s one of the many reasons his writing was so sharp and layered.

Podcast listener Chris Dellecese asks:

Why did Henry Blake get a huge goodbye episode on MASH but nothing for Trapper John? Did it involve the timing of who left when?

The producers knew ahead of time that McLean was leaving the end of season three. So they had time to plan his exit.

Wayne decided not to come back after the season wrapped. So Gelbart & Reynolds just had to explain away his disappearance. Whether he was asked to come back and do a farewell show or not, that I don’t know. That all happened a year before David and I came aboard.

But when Larry Linville left after season five we invited him back for the season six opener to explain away Frank Burn’s departure, but he chose not to return.

And finally, from Cedric Hohnstadt:

You've written before that flaws are what make characters interesting and entertaining. During a recent bout of insomnia I was lying in bed trying to think through the flaws of various MASH characters. I got stuck when I came to BJ. Hawkeye could be idealistic, impulsive, mischievous, womanizing, and a bit self-righteous. BJ, on the other hand, was mostly just a warm, friendly family man - intelligent and funny but (aside from an occasional mischievous streak) he was overall a very balanced and grounded guy. I'm sure that made him a good compliment to Hawkeye but I would think there was also a real danger of him becoming a "vanilla" character. How did you get around that problem?

There was a huge distinction between Hawkeye and B.J.   B.J. had a mustache. 

But seriously, it was a problem. We tried to make him more stubborn than Hawkeye, more obsessive with patients, a practical joker, and we gave him a higher moral standard than Hawkeye. There were times when B.J. and Hawkeye would clash over medical treatment. Still, we felt somewhat handcuffed by B.J.’s lack of flaws. Mike Farrell is such a wonderful actor and if I'm being honest, there were times he was not well served. 

What’s your Friday Question?

Thursday, March 15, 2018

The Levine & Isaacs partnership process

Here’s a three-part Friday Question that takes up a whole post. It’s from Mike Bloodworth and is about my longtime partnership with David Isaacs.

I know some writers prefer to write alone, but previously you've stated that there are advantages to having a partner. However, did you always agree on scripts? Did you ever feel reluctant to compromise on a line? How often, if ever was there conflict?

No, we don’t always agree. And sometimes the arguments have gotten spirited. But the key is we never make it personal. We can argue tooth-and-nail over some story point and then break for lunch and talk about baseball.

When it comes to specific lines, we have a rule. If one of us pitches a joke the other doesn’t spark to and can’t convince him in like two minutes we just throw the line out completely and go for something entirely different. Usually it takes less time to come up with something new than to argue over a line and ultimately one person is unhappy.

All that said, for the most part we're in agreement.  

The key to this and the partnership in general is that you have to have respect for your partner’s opinion and talent. So if I pitch a joke and David thinks we can do better I trust his judgment.

Do you guys have specialties? Having worked with you I know that you're a great "straight man." Is one of you better at set ups, punch lines, story, exposition, etc.?

No, we’re surprisingly similar. Normally we work head-to-head. But early in our career we would take one script assignment a year and break it up. I would write one act and David would write the other. We would then put them together and do the polish together. I swear, you couldn’t tell who wrote which act.

One difference is that very early on I tended to go to fast and David tended to go too slow. We were each a good influence on each other.

Eventually we fell into a groove and write together at a good comfortable clip.

And as for jokes, people always ask if I wrote a certain joke and I tell them I don’t remember. It sounds like I’m being coy, but the truth is one of us will pitch a joke, the other will modify it, and together we will further shape it. So I really don’t remember.

Not all Lennon and McCartney songs were written by both John and Paul together, especially toward the end of the Beatles. Was every Levine & Isaacs written by both of you? Or is that billing just part of your agreement?

Every Levine & Isaacs script was written by both of us. In some cases one more than the other, but that’s the value of a partnership. If one of us had the flu and the script had to be in by Friday the healthy one would do the lion’s share of the work on that draft. Or if I was off doing baseball, one of us would take the first draft and the other would then do the second draft. Then we always did the final polish together.

But the overwhelming majority of our scripts were written with me and David in a room together dictating to a writers’ assistant.

Every partnership is different. There is no right or wrong way to collaborate. It depends on you. But this is our process and I’d say it works for us since we’ve been partners for over 120 years.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

EP63: Ben Mankiewicz, The Voice of TCM

Ken interviews TCM host Ben Mankiewicz. They discuss TCM, how the network works, how he works, classic movies, his career, and even a little baseball.  It’s movie buff heaven.

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Pilot season update

All of the networks are in the process of casting their pilots for the upcoming TV season. Having been a part of that on numerous occasions I can tell you it’s the world’s most insane version of musical chairs.

Actors race from audition to audition. Producers must decide quickly because often someone they think might possibly be good for a role is on the verge of taking something else. Do you take him pre-emptively or keep looking? Might somebody better come along? Or will it turn out you let the best guy get away?  It's maddening!

Like swallows returning to Capistrano, New York actors fly in for pilot season. These are the casting Olympics. It’s a wild time and everything is up in the air.

But here’s what I’m seeing more and more now: Deadline Hollywood, the online trade website de jour, posts announcements on who’s been cast in what pilot. And invariably, I’d say almost 100%, it’s an actor who has already been in at least one series. They’ll have his name and in parentheses, the show or shows he’s been in before.

So my question is: How does a new actor break in? What do you have to do? It’s not like these actors with a previous series are necessarily that great. A third of them will be fired during pilot production or after. Do the networks really believe that someone who was a supporting player on THE REAL O’NEALS has a big enough fan base that he’ll actually bring in an audience?

Having done primarily multi-camera pilots I do see where it’s an advantage to hire people who have had multi-cam experience. They’re used to working in front of an audience. They’re used to memorizing entire scripts. But you get that with theatre actors too. You don’t need someone who had a recurring role on DR. KEN.

I feel bad for young actors. I wish I had the answer. But just know that if you somehow, someway DO break in, then all the network casting people who dismissed you two years ago for a one-line part will today be shoving your name down the throats of producers with ultimatums to use you or else.

And so it goes in pilot season.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018


WARNING: Political Post. If you’re a Trump supporter, have a lovely day. We’ll hopefully see you tomorrow.

WARNING #2: I moderate comments so any pro-Trump rant gets deleted. Yes, I know, that’s not very democratic of me. Complain to the unbiased folks at Fox News.

Now to the post.

Oh joy! Our fucking idiot toxic treasonous elected official (I can’t even bring myself to use any term even resembling “leader”) is coming to California today.

First he’s going to San Diego to see prototypes of this ridiculous wall that will never be built. I guess he doesn’t realize that the people of Mexico know about ladders. You’d think he would tour the Navy base there, but I doubt he even knows there’s a Navy base there. I doubt he even knows we have Navy bases. I’m sure he’ll be disappointed that the Gaslamp area of San Diego has been cleaned up and his favorite strip joints are gone. Expect him to try to endear himself to the San Diego population by wearing a Chargers hat.

Then he goes up to LA for a fundraiser in Beverly Hills. This will result in road closings. Obama used to come and it was a mess. But at least we knew a day or two in advance what the road closures were. As of yesterday they weren’t divulging that information. Why? The location of the fundraiser is being kept secret for fear of protests.

You can bet that when those roads are closed today the protesters will be there, letting our scumbag-in-chief know that he’s as welcome as the Bubonic Plague.

Did you ever think the day would come when the president of the United States would have to sneak into town like a wanted fugitive? In an American city? It used to be an honor to host the president of the United States. Even if he was from the other party. You might disagree with him politically but you were at least sure that he was trying his best to preserve Democracy and improve the public’s way of life. This guy’s only focus is to stay out of a prison and keep Stormy Daniels from telling the world he’s a lousy lay.

No industry people will be at this Beverly Hills fundraiser. In fact, there is talk that if one does go he’ll be blackballed in Hollywood. They want donors to pay $230,000 to attend. Who can afford that other than gun manufacturers? My guess is for that kind of money they can hold the fundraiser in one bungalow in the Beverly Hills Hotel. And by the way, there will be a protest at 4:00 in Beverly Hills by the political group Union Del Barrio regardless of where this fundraiser/hideout is.

The governor invited our irresponsible lying disgrace to humanity to visit the state’s high-speed rail construction projects. “You see, in California we are focusing on bridges, not wall,” Governor Brown said in a letter to our Shithead-in-chief, but since it wasn’t wrapped in a Happy Meal it was never read.

Tonight he plans to stay at our 73 story downtown hotel thus closing off two blocks in every direction and wreaking havoc, which is the only thing he can successfully do.

He’s only here for one day, thank goodness. The next time he visits I hope it’s to stay in San Quentin, and then he can remain for the rest of his life.

Since there will be a lot of traffic today I’ll just stay home and ship off ladders.

Monday, March 12, 2018

It's easier to write them than go to them

When you make your travel plans, try not to fly to New York during a Nor’easter. Back from Fun City, where I was really lucky to get INTO Fun City. I had a play in the ANDTheatre Company’s One Act Festival and was excited to see it. After all, this was my first time on Broadway. Okay, well… Broadway adjacent. But it was just around the corner from the Stephen Colbert theatre, so that’s not… Rochester.

We were leaving Los Angeles on Wednesday, just when the storm hit. Our flight wasn’t until 2:34 PM. I woke up and checked the JetBlue website. Every JFK-bound flight was canceled… except for ours. And the two or three taking off that night. I signed up for text alerts fully expecting “DELAY: Now leaving June 1st.” Shockingly, the flight took off on time. Needless to say it was jammed as they squeezed in as many of the canceled travelers as they could.

During the flight I was able to watch live TV. They had the local NY stations, all of whom had STORMWATCH COVERAGE. In LA, we have STORMWATCH COVERAGE if it drizzles. But the scenes I was seeing were horrifying. Adorable Millennial field reporters (all with darling first names like Stacy and Nina and long names with lots of consonants –we support diversity) standing in snow up to their hips with howling winds and snow gusts, saying things like: “We’ve lost New Jersey. It’s gone. No one can find it.” Yikes. Traffic reports declared that the Long Island Railroad was shut down in many areas and thousands of commuters were stranded. The Top level of the Verrazano Bridge was closed. There were fifteen shots of buried cars and guys who looked like Kevin James trying to dig them out. And this is what we were flying into.

Man, this play better be great.

The snow had mostly let up by the time we landed (on time and on the tarmac). But getting into the city was an ordeal.

Let me stop here and say NEVER EVER EVER use Carmel Car Service. The worst. We had pre-arranged a car with them. We were instructed to call when we were ready to leave. We did, they told us where to wait and said it was would be five to seven minutes. Twenty minutes went by. I called again. They put me through to the dispatcher. "A half hour, probably an hour, but maybe sooner so please stand out there." It was 34 degrees and snowing. I said, don’t you pre-arrange a car? That’s why we reserved ahead. “Sorry” was his nonchalant response. NEVER use Carmel Car Service. And please tell your friends. We called LYFT and a guy was there in three minutes.

So we made it into Manhattan. Fortunately, the storm was only one day. Most of the city was sufficiently plowed by Thursday and a hiker found New Jersey on Saturday.

The rest of the weekend was fine. Cold, but I didn’t need to put chains on my boots to walk around.

Happily, the play was GREAT. The whole program was terrific, but I was blessed with a fantastic director, Scotty Watson, and a stellar cast of Michelle Conti and Emmanuel Elpenord. They really crushed it. Big laughs (which is my meth). Thanks also to Kristine Niven for including my play, THE HOOK UP in your program.
Added bonus, I got to meet a few of my blog readers and podcast listeners.

I must say, it was a thrill to have a theatre piece done in New York. That’s always been a dream. When I was in college and Neil Simon was churning out hit plays year after year, I thought that might be a good way to make a living. Maybe live in a nice brownstone, write a play a year, get it on Broadway, make a fortune, sell the movie rights and have Jane Fonda star in it even though she’s not funny. So why did I go to LA and try my luck in TV instead?


Thank God for them (with apologies to New Jersey).

Sunday, March 11, 2018

The one word to look out for

Now with YouTube, everybody makes videos. HD cameras are so inexpensive that full-length films can be produced on a shoestring budget. Recording an album no longer requires a million bucks. You can do all the engineering and processing on your iMac Mini.

But what the new technology still can’t do is provide feedback.

You still have to show it to your friends and get their reactions. But rarely, if ever, are you going to get an honest appraisal. They’re not going to insult you. They’re going to be very diplomatic. You have to learn to read between the lines.

Here’s what people say when they really hate something.

“That was really fun.”

If you hear “fun” you’re doomed.

It used to be “Well, you did it!” or “How did you do it?” or “That was something else!” but those are so old school. “That was really fun” is both a veiled compliment and right up to date.

My favorite left-handed compliment came the night of the big industry screening for VOLUNTEERS, the Tom Hanks/John Candy movie that David Isaacs and I wrote. We’re standing in the lobby receiving guests. It’s me, David, and to my right – Walter Parkes, one of the producers.

People are coming up congratulating us until one woman took our Walter's hands in hers, looked him straight into the eye with a pained expression, and said, “Oh Walter, we love you anyway.”


I laughed so hard I almost fell over.

We live in a time of superlatives. Awesome now means okay, perfect means acceptable, and epic means it will be remembered for four hours.  So "fun" has been elevated to where it now means sucks. 

Oh, for those days when people were honest and told you “I never knew you had it in ya.”  So beware of false flattery. 

I know what you're thinking.  You want to go to the comments section and respond to this post by saying "that was fun."  I'm ahead of you.   You'll have to be more creative. 

Note: For those new to the blog -- whenever I can't find an appropriate photo to go along with the subject matter I post a picture of Natalie Wood.  And the investigation has been re-opened, ya know?

Saturday, March 10, 2018

The NEW Annie Hall

Or should I say the "old" Annie Hall?   A senior center in Manhattan has done a reboot of the Woody Allen classic ANNIE HALL. 

I'll pause here for a moment to say this is not about Woody Allen to hopefully cut down on all the angry comments like "how can you support a child molester?" etc.    Will this disclaimer do any good?  Probably not, but remember I moderate all comments.  This is about Annie Hall not Woody Allen.

The New York Times recently did a story about this re-boot, which you can find here.  

Two young filmmakers found that Alzheimer patients sparked to old movies and experienced temporary improvement.  Eventually the filmmakers decided to do a 30 minute version of ANNIE HALL casting all senior citizens.  There are no plans for its release, but Woody Allen has given them his blessing and apparently the project was a huge success. 

Having spent a lot of time dealing with an aging parent in a skilled nursing facility, I can instantly see the value that having a real "project" could mean to these people.   Whether I ever get to see the finished product or not I give it a thumbs up. 

Sometimes MAKING a motion picture is more important than the picture itself. 

Photo from NY Times.

Friday, March 09, 2018

Friday Questions

Hello from Gotham. Here are this week’s Friday Questions.

Albert Giesbrecht starts us off:

Ken! I didn't know you directed Dharma & Greg! Was Jenna Elfman as nice and friendly, as Dharma was on the show?

Absolutely. I first knew Jenna from our mid-90’s show, ALMOST PERFECT. I think we gave her one of her first jobs. She guested as an daffy secretary and was hilarious. You could tell right away that she was special.

And she fit in right away. After the filming we all went out to a karaoke bar. Jenna joined us. I was thrilled that her career took off. She’s as nice as she is talented, and I would work with her again in a second.

From Bill in Toronto:

Ken, from any of your careers, can you give an example or two of times anyone on the production really rose to the challenge and performed in a standout way you’d like to recognize here?

Yes. Frankie Bellina, our propmaster on CHEERS. You have no idea what a difficult assignment he had. Think of all the glasses on all the tables. And the bowls. And from scene to scene they changed and all had to match. How he kept it all straight I will never know.

Plus, CHEERS was filmed in front of a live audience. It’s not like he had a half-hour between scenes. He was a dervish.

Also, I want to heap praise on Larina Adamson. She was our line producer on two series and three pilots. Without a doubt the best in the business. She was a magician. Any stupid thing we wanted she made happen… and within budget.

So often you will ask your line producer for something and they’ll tell you it can’t be done or there’s no money in the budget for it. Not Larina. I think she was part Genie.

These are just two of many many spectacular crew members I had the honor of working with.

Curt Alliaume asks:

Who are some of your favorite baseball announcers now working?

I’ll just stick to radio for this round.

Jon Miller & Dave Flemming from the Giants. Ted Leitner of the Padres. Eric Nadel of the Rangers. Tom Hamilton of the Indians. National Treasure Bob Uecker of the Brew Crew, Pat Hughes of the Cubs, Howie Rose & Josh Lewin of the Mets, Andy Freed & Dave Wills of the Rays, Marty Brenneman of the Reds, Jim Powell of the Braves, Steve Physioc, Ryan Lefebvre, and Steve Stewart of the Royals, and I’m sure I’m leaving someone out.

And finally, from Jahn Ghalt:

When you do reshoots that are from last week's show, are they in front of an audience?

If so, do you do them before the scheduled show? Do you let the audience "in" on the circumstance?

Most of the time they’re not in front of the audience. They’ll be filmed either the day before during camera blocking or after the audience has been released.

Sometimes though, if it’s a long scene, or a scene we felt would really benefit by having an audience we will have the warm-up person set up the situation.

But a lot will depend on actual show to be filmed that week. If it’s complicated and we know will be a long night we won't subject a tired audience to another scene. However, if it’s a simple show that should take only a couple of hours to film we may sneak in that additional scene.

I’m in New York to see my one-act play, THE HOOK UP being performed as part of ANDTheatre’s Annual 10-minute Play Festival at Theatre 54. I will be attending tonight and tomorrow night’s performance. If you’re around, swing by and say hello. Here’s info. Thanks.

Thursday, March 08, 2018

Reference material

Often times when writing a script I’ll make a specific reference. Might be to a certain movie or person or fad that once was. One of the keys to comedy is specificity. If you’re looking for a dog name, Dachshund is funny but Schnauzer is funnier.

The trouble with a reference however is that it means nothing if the intended audience doesn’t know it. And over time things fade into the mist. At one time you could do a joke about a horse head at the end of someone’s bed and everyone knew that was an iconic GODFATHER reference. But now? Yes, THE GODFATHER is one of the most well-known and classic movies in history. And it’s still being shown frequently in revival theatres, on TV, and on streaming platforms. But it’s well over 40 years old. Most people today weren’t alive back then. Did you get the reference?  And don't feel bad if you didn't. 

Writers talk about a three-percenter. That’s a joke only three-percent of the audience will get. Sometimes you sprinkle one or two in not so much to get a laugh but to establish authenticity of the period. We did that on MASH. An Adolphe Menjou joke might appear. But it helped put you in the time and place and the six people in America who knew who he was laughed hysterically.

So it’s always a guessing game with references. If you know some specific reference you just sort of assume everyone does, right? But you have to stop and take stock. Do I know this because it’s of general knowledge? Or did my growing up in Los Angeles as opposed to Toronto give me a greater exposure to the reference? Other factors: gender, religion, level of literacy, length of time.

It’s just one of the many things comedy writers wrestle with.

And then there’s the flip side.

I’ll be in a writing room and someone will pitch a joke with a specific reference that I don’t know. But a few others in the room laugh. My first thought is “should I know this reference?” Why don’t I know this reference? Other people knew it, why not me? Is there a hole in my wealth of knowledge? On the other hand, not everybody laughed. Was it because they didn’t know the reference either or they didn’t think the joke was funny? I’m always a little insecure about that.

It’s like there used to be a TV game show called PASSWORD. Two teams of two people competed. One team member would be given the "password" (say HANDKERCHIEF) and with only one word clues would try to get his partner to say the password. (Notice how I felt the need to EXPLAIN how PASSWORD worked.) I always thought, what if I got on that show and was given the password to communicate to my partner and I didn’t know the word? Obviously it’s a common enough word that everyone else in the world knew it and I’d look like a complete idiot on national TV. Same with references except substitute five writers for seven million viewers.

This is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night. I should probably take a Nidol. I mean a Tylenol PM.

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Finally in print: My bitchy snarky Oscar review

As promised, here's the text of my Oscar review. You can hear it on my podcast. It's better when you hear it.
The Academy Awards celebrated its 90th edition by being 90 minutes too long. Jimmy Kimmel did a nice job, there were a few laughs, more preaching than a Baptist service, little in the way of surprises and suspense, and for the most part, well… so dull I thought I was watching THE PHANTOM THREAD.

Cary Grant never won an Oscar. But Kobe Bryant now has. In this year of #MeToo and #TimesUP movements, I guess the Academy forgot about his rape charges in Colorado. But hey, he was the youngest player in the NBA to score 31,000 points.

Meanwhile, last year’s winner Casey Affleck was nowhere to be seen and Kevin Spacey didn’t appear in the Best Actor montage. It’ll be interesting to see if they ultimately make it into the “In Memoriam” section when their time comes, or maybe there will be a special section for #ThemToo/#TimesUp.

I’m guessing the ratings will be abysmal since fewer people saw all of the Best Picture nominees combined than the “Watch what whipped cream does in a vacuum cleaner” YouTube video. And the Oscarcast was longer than the actual Dunkirk rescue.

More on the ceremony later, but first a look at the Red Carpet shows.

It was unclear how many stars bypassed Red Carpet host Ryan Seacrest because of his sexual abuse allegations. This is like letting Mel Gibson host the Red Carpet show for the B’nai Brith Awards. But stars that did snub him included Jennifer Garner, Mira Sorvino, Viola Davis, Ashley Judd, Margot Robbie, Sandra Bullock, and all of the women nominated for Best Actress. His only interview for the first 45 minutes was with Sophie Carson, host of All-Access. Then he got music people like Diane Warren, Mary J. Blige, and Miguel. Oh, and Kelly Ripa. Yeah, motion picture superstar Kelly Ripa came over.

E! instituted a 30 second time delay on their Red Carpet coverage. This from a network where it’s okay to say “shit!” And 30 seconds is more than enough time for any actress to change her position twice. ABC and E! are standing behind Ryan… for the moment. But applications are being accepted for all eighteen of his jobs. And did you notice during the Oscarcast, in all the AMERICAN IDOL promos, he wasn’t pictured or mentioned once. Will he ultimately take the fall? We’ll know next year if Brian Dunkleman returns to host AMERICAN IDOL. (By then it might be on its third network – Buzzr.)

But the good news for Ryan is this finally puts to rest that pesky rumor that he’s gay.

Meanwhile, over at KTLA Channel 5, not a lot of star power there either. Hosted as always by footstool to the stars, Sam Rubin and 12 pound co-host, Jessica Holmes they were in mid Oscar-season form. Sam introduced Raphael Saadiq and Tara Stinson as “Raphael Saadiq and your friend here.” Worse was when he said, “Here’s Bradley Whitford and two of his co-stars.” He meant Lil Rel Howery and Betty Gabriel. But even KTLA had no idea who they were. They posted the graphic “Cast of Get Out.”

They interviewed Eva Marie Saint who at 93 still weighs more than Jessica Holmes. Sam said she was 92. Then he said to Ms. Saint (my neighbor, by the way), “Many people are teary today having read Steve Lopez’s story in the LA Times all about you” to which she said, “No, it was about my husband.” Oh well, at least he knew who Eva Marie Saint was. I think he did. He didn’t call her Jane Fonda.

This year’s show was heavy on issues. Dreamers, diversity, immigration, gun control, women’s rights. There are two ways to achieve these lofty goals – educate and change the mindset of millions of Americans or remove one man from office.

Remember at the Golden Globes all the women wore black in support of #MeToo. Supposedly the Academy asked that they didn’t do that for the Oscars so of course they caved and all came in bright colors. In Hollywood, “conviction” means making Aquaman even though there are a billion superhero movies already. Usually, part of the snarky fun of my reviews is taking shots at the horribly dressed women, but this year I’ll be called sexist and racist and a body-shamer so I’ll refrain. Unlike you who probably took vicious shots in your living room of Andra Day who wore shower curtains, and Kelly Ripa whose train made it look like she was dragging a clown. You can say those things. I no longer can. It would be wrong for me to suggest that Jennifer Lawrence looked like she worked the corner of Santa Monica Boulevard and LaBrea.

Randy Thomas did an excellent job as the Oscar announcer. More diversity is great unless you have to pronounce all those names. Miraculously, she did and did them perfectly… although who the hell would know?

Jimmy Kimmel’s opening monologue had some good jokes. Giving away a jet ski to the winner with the shortest acceptance speech was fun. But if they really wanted to shorten the program by a half hour – don’t put the creative arts people in the back rows. Or at least provide Bird scooters for the visual arts and make up winners to get to the stage while Faye Dunaway is still awake.

Kimmel mentioned that only two Academy members have ever been expelled. Harvey Weinstein and actor Carmine Caridi (for sharing screeners). As a result of Caridi, housekeepers and gardeners no longer decide the Oscar winners.

I was happy with most of the results, although I was rooting for Woody Harrelson. Of former CHEERS cast members, Woody has the best shot of winning an Academy Award. Unfortunately, in the pool, I have “Man Who Said Sinatra.”

Best Director, Guillermo del Toro seems like a genuinely nice man. Sally Hawkins had to really trust a director to have sex with a fish. (I bet there’s a whole section for that on Pornhub.)

Best single line of the night: Winner Allison Janney: “I did it all by myself.”

Looking spectacular this year was Gal Gadot, Jennifer Garner (Ben Affleck is an idiot), Margot Robbie, and Eiza Gonzalez.

Do you think Kobe Bryant would have won if he were a Celtic?

God bless Eva Marie Saint and Rita Moreno. Ms. Saint was elegant and added a real touch of class to the affair. She got a standing ovation even though two-thirds of the audience had no idea who she was. Ms. Moreno wore the same dress she wore in 1962 when she won. Anyone who can fit into the clothes they wore in 1962 deserves a second award.

In a pathetic attempt to attract younger viewers. The latest STAR WARS cast was carted out as presenters. It’s like when Ed Sullivan brought out Topo Gigio “for all you youngsters.” By the time the STAR WARS cast was announced it was too late. Their target audience was watching BOB’S BURGERS.

Many of the speeches were heartfelt. Even though I didn’t know them or anyone they were thanking. But you realize you’re watching the greatest moment of their lives, which is wonderful… until it becomes the greatest five moments.

Frances McDormand had the speech of the night. It was insane. But fun in that “Dennis Hopper as King Koopa in SUPER MARIO BROTHERS” way. She left the stage (eventually) with two words: Inclusion Rider. My two words: What’s that?

Was the bit where Jimmy and a bunch of stars went next door to unsuspecting people in a movie theatre really funny on its own or just because it was a break from the endless tedium at the Dolby Theatre? It gave more camera time to Gal Gadot so that was a plus, but these bits and lengthy movie montages felt like padding a show that was already hopelessly long. Other than Paul Thomas Anderson, who thinks that’s a good thing?

Sandra Bullock looks terrific in any light. Am I allowed to say that?

Viola Davis came as Diana Ross. Am I allowed to say that?

Jesus, it’s the Academy Awards. For the Best Song performances get singers who can sing. Both “The Mystery of Love” and “Remember Me” singers sounded like a cat getting a bath. Kudos to Mary J. Blige, Andra Day, and Keala Settle for crushing it during their tunes. Of course they all lost.

Have you ever seen more standing ovations in your life? Christopher Walken got one for still having a career after PETER PAN LIVE. Mexico got one for not being the United States.

Harvey Weinstein survivors Ashley Judd, Annabella Sciorra, and Salma Hayek gave a passionate speech on the need to end sexual abuse (even though I’m not sure I know the meaning of “intersectionality”), and introduced a moving but heavy-handed short film on the movement. But here’s the thing: Don’t show it to us. Show it to studio heads. They’re the ones who can do something about it. We tweet and like the tweets.

I could not fast forward through the ROSEANNE trailer fast enough.

Credit to conductor Harold Wheeler and his expert musicians. They had to play hundreds of music clips with zero notice. There’s no time for sheet music.

Tiffany Haddish was funny. Maya Rudolph… stood next to Tiffany Haddish.

I say this every year: The “In Memoriam” segment should never cut away from full-frame shots of the people being remembered. And when you watch it, don’t you always wonder who’s going to be last? For my money it should have been John Mahoney… who they left out completely.

Another reason why ratings will likely crater – There was a time when Tom Hanks was a presenter. And Clint Eastwood. And Elizabeth Taylor. And Jack Nicolson. Now it’s Wes Studi and Danielle Vega.

Greta Gerwig now joins Lena Dunham as former “Flavors of the Month.” But I eagerly await Greta’s next project. She’s smart, talented, and not an attention whore. For example, I bet Greta won’t tell the world when she’s having a hysterectomy.

Best Actor winner Gary Oldman thanked everyone but his four former wives.

My daughter Annie points out that if the Best Editing winner gives a long speech they should take away his award.

How many times did they cut to someone in the crowd and you said, “Who’s that?” Next year that’s my Oscar drinking game and I figure to be smashed by Best Sound Mixing.

Meryl Streep has become the new Jack Nicholson. She sits front row center in a bright red dress and everyone pays homage to her from the stage. A survey showed that over the last 12 years more actresses have thanked Meryl Streep than God. And the ones that didn’t are now on the Disney Channel.

I hate when presenters single people out while announcing the nominees. “Four directors and Greta Gerwig!” “Four nominees and one trailblazing woman!” Greta and the trailblazer receive big applause but it’s disrespectful to the other nominees, who are just as deserving or more deserving. And this year two of those non-trailblazers won.

Great to see Faye Dunaway & Warren Beatty again – Hollywood’s version of Sarah Palin & Dan Quayle. They got a standing ovation for being lucid. At least this year they announced the right winner. Anything but THE PHANTOM THREAD.

At the end of the day I envied those people who were in the theatre across the street. They got to see a movie, Gal Gadot, and free Red Vines.

UPDATE:  The ratings set record lows.  Down 19% from last year's low ratings.   

UPDATE 2:  I'm traveling today so it might be a while until I post your comments.  But I will get to them.  Thanks. 

Tuesday, March 06, 2018

Writing drama

Here’s a Friday Question that led to a rambling answer and dedicated post:

It’s from suek2001

Ken...your episode "Billfold Syndrome" was on last remains a classic in my book. I do have a question. For the meatier guest roles like Jerry Nielsen, did you have to audition them or were they just sent to you? Your gift of comedy is well known but that episode showed a fantastic drama narrative...Did writing for a clear drama become a desire for you?

First off, thanks for the kind words. That’s one of my favorite episodes too.

Actors were brought in to audition. Sam Christensen & Joyce Robinson were terrific casting agents and consistently brought us terrific choices. Kevin Geer was awesome as Jerry Nielson.

As for the second part of your question (and here’s where it gets winding), I’ve always enjoyed writing drama. So has my partner David Isaacs. In our time at MASH we never shied away from it.

But I have to admit we didn’t have very much prior training in it. When we pitched showrunner Gene Reynolds the very first time, the one story he really sparked to was Hawkeye being temporarily blinded by a heater explosion. Gene's one reservation though was that it was very dramatic. Had we written any drama?

We both lied through our teeth and assured him we had written tons of drama in college and that it was a piece of cake. There was no way we were walking out of there without a MASH assignment. (Neither of us had ever written any drama at that point.)

He took a chance and we took a chance and fortunately it all worked out.

About fifteen years ago I was writing spec screenplays, many on my own. I had some success (sold a few) and some misses. They were all comedies.

But there was subject matter I was interested in that was not particularly comedic and did not lead to a happy ending so I decided to write a straight dramatic screenplay instead. It was very cathartic to write (and also quite painful).

Ultimately I was very proud of it. Larry Gelbart read it and thought it was one of the best things I had ever written.

So I called my movie agents at the time (they worked as a team) and said I was bringing in a new spec script. They were both very excited (meaning: they SAID they were excited). Then I happened to mention it was a drama.


You could hear crickets. It’s as if the phone went dead. Finally, one of them said tentatively: “Well… why’d you do that for?”

They were not pleased I was not handing them a comedy.

I told him the issues I wanted to tackle in the script were dramatic by nature and my desire to be true to the subject matter.

More silence.

One then said, “Well, is there any comedy in it?” I said that there were light moments. This wasn’t an exercise in gloom like INTERIORS.

“Could we sell it as a black comedy then?” he asked.

“No!” I said. “It’s a drama. I’ve written a drama.”

They said, “Okay, we’d love to read it” with the same enthusiasm I would have if a distant relative gave me a thousand page mini-series about crossing guards to read.

They read it, said they liked it, but there was a problem. It was set in the present day. Unless it was a period piece they claimed they couldn’t sell a drama. I said, “So I do the same movie but put wigs on the men you could sell it?” They didn’t realize I was being sarcastic.

I never sold the movie. I’d still like to find some investors and make it. But I did leave that agency. So one good thing came out of the experience.

I suspect one or more of my plays will become more dramatic depending on the subject matter. I base my work on the idea and my passion for it, not how comedic or dramatic it might be. I enjoy writing comedy the most but welcome any chance to stretch myself and tackle more dramatic subjects.

And that’s how a question about MASH resulted in a post about agent-bashing over something totally unrelated that took place twenty years after MASH ended.

Monday, March 05, 2018

Last night's Oscars

As is my tradition, I reviewed last night's Oscars.  So where is my snarky bitchy report?  Like last year, I recorded it for my podcast.   If you look right below the masthead you'll see it.  Just click the big gold arrow.  Also, there should be a separate blogpost where again, you just click on the arrow.  Or you could just click here.

Why am I doing it this way?   As always, I'll be honest with you.  I'm trying to build an audience for my podcast.  The Oscar review is the podcast equivalent of stunt casting.  Hopefully I'll attract some new listeners who decide to stick around and become regulars.   I used the Oscar review to do the same thing during the early years of the blog.

I know, however, there are some loyal readers who are hearing impaired, or never listen to podcasts, or read my blog on their devices and can't easily access the big gold arrow, or just prefer to read it.   So for them, I will post it here on Wednesday.

But if you want to hear it while the ceremony is still fresh in your mind (assuming the show didn't put you into a coma), please check out HOLLYWOOD & LEVINE.  One of the reasons I prefer doing it as a podcast is that by delivering the material myself you really hear the jokes as I intended them.

So thanks for your support.  And hopefully subscription.


Snark subjects include Ryan Seacrest, Kobe Bryant, THE PHANTOM THREAD, bad singers, Carmine Caridi, "Dreamers," Roseanne, and standing ovations.  

EP62: My snarky 2018 Oscar Review

Ken’s annual snarky bitchy Oscar review. Sometimes he’s even fair. He sits through the Oscars so you don't have to. 

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Sunday, March 04, 2018

Is there a harder job...?

... than host of the Oscars?

Jimmy Kimmel hosts his second Oscarcast tonight.  (I will be reviewing it.  Check out my podcast.)  I thought he did a very good job last year, although he got a little rattled during the insanity when Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty announced the wrong Best Pictures.  I think once he has a few of these under his belt he'll know how to handle any unforeseen situation.

But he has a relaxed manner and seems to be a good fit.  And it's really a thankless job.  That industry audience in the auditorium takes itself VERY seriously.  You can poke fun at them... up to a point.  But they're a tough crowd to win over.  There's a lot of tension.  These people really want to WIN.  They're not there to have a good time and listen to jokes.  That's the Golden Globes.  These awards COUNT.

And the host must also keep things moving, restore order, and set the tone.  Just how glamorous or lowbrow will the ceremony be?   With Seth MacFarlane there were songs about boobs.  Real elegant.

But look at the number of big names who flamed out as Oscar host.

Chris Rock
Jon Stewart
David Letterman
Ellen Degeneres
Whoopi Goldberg
Steve Martin & Alec Baldwin

Billy Crystal had a good run, but when they brought him back a few years ago his act felt very stale.

It's a lot easier to fuck up than do well, and the eyes of the world are upon you.  So I wish Jimmy Kimmel the best.  Especially since Faye Dunaway and Warren Beatty are expected back.

Saturday, March 03, 2018

RIP David Ogden Stiers

Devastating news that David Ogden Stiers has passed away.  He was only 75.   Probably best known for playing Dr. Charles Emerson Winchester on MASH he had a long distinguished career in films, TV, the theater, and voice work.

I first met David in 1976 when he guest-starred in an episode of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW that my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote.   He played a radio talk show host named Robert W. Cleaver.  He was naturally hilarious.  That same year he also guested on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and MASH Executive Producer, Burt Metcalfe had seen him and was impressed.

We joined MASH after that season and the first task we all encountered was replacing Frank Burns since Larry Linville decided to leave the show.   We wanted the new character to be much smarter than Frank, a worthy adversary for Hawkeye and BJ.   There were no casting sessions, no lists compiled.  Burt suggested David Ogden Stiers, we were wildly enthusiastic over the idea, and that was that.

Stop me if I've told these stories before, but the week before production David came up to our office and we heard him read the character.  He chose to do it in a thick Boston accent.  We told him we were concerned that it was hard to decipher some of the words.  He said, "Well, what if I backed off just a little bit?"  He re-read it with that slight adjustment and we said, "Perfect!"  That's the way he played it from then on.

David Isaacs and I actually wrote the first episode featuring Charles although it didn't air until late in the season.  The episode is called "The Merchant of Korea" and dealt primarily with a poker game.  Since there was no need to film at the Malibu ranch it was held back to the latter part of the year when going to the ranch was unfeasible due to lack of daylight.   That script served as the template.  Jim Fritzell & Everett Greenbaum then wrote the terrific hour episode that introduced him.

The night of the premier we had a big party.  I was sitting next to David on the couch and just before the show aired I said, "In one hour your life will change forever."  He thought I was being a tad over-dramatic.  Three days later he said to me, "My God.  You're right. I can't go anywhere without being recognized."

There's always the worry when you introduce a new character that fans will not take to him.  In David's case it was instantaneous acceptance. 

David was a wonderful gentle soul.  And quirky.  He didn't drive -- not easy in Southern California.  He rode a scooter (way ahead of his time).  He engineered sly practical jokes. He was truly loved by the cast and crew.  

David rarely gave interviews about his time on MASH.  He didn't want to just be remembered for that show.  In documentaries and articles he always declined to participate.  But I know he was intensely proud of his contribution to MASH.   And through MASH his brilliance will be seen and appreciated for years and years to come.

RIP David Ogden Stiers.  I salute you... with tears in my eyes. 

A new post for Sunday will appear later in the day.  Check back.  

Porn Star Karaoke

This is a re-post from 2005.  And if you read all the way through you'll see how it relates to today.  Enjoy.

There’s a bar tucked away in a Burbank strip mall between a cleaners and donut shop that on Tuesday nights presents “Porn Star Karaoke”. My friend Kevin and I checked it out and needless to say it was a classy affair. Laminated signs listed the rules, one being “No oral sex in the bathrooms”.

I knew we were in for a great evening when I saw the “Porn Star Karaoke” banner on the stage next to a menorah.

The adult world’s elite showed up – twenty gum popping smoking bimbos in halter tops and hot pants, raccoon make up and (as Kevin said) enough silicone in their bodies to be legally considered a Mattel toy. They were accompanied by the usual assortment of buff porn kings who dyed their hair even though they're 25, and fat middle aged guys in pony tails and billowing Hawaiian shirts. They were probably the girls’ dads.

The stars started filing in around 10. Ron Jeremy was there at 6.

The D.J. set the elegant tone for the evening by saying to the first porn crooner “You’re not allowed to talk about how hot your pussy is”. She took it in good spirits and mimed choking on the microphone. It’s how I always pictured the Rainbow Room.

Musical ability is not why these girls are known as Golden Throats. Not one of them could sing a note. But they did find other ways to bring home their songs. One did Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back” and demonstrated by dropping her pants. If Diana Degarmo did that she’d be an American Idol today.

Two more made out with each other on stage (how else are you gonna fill that instrumental bridge?), while a porn king who looked like Eric Roberts in "Star 80" only sleazier walked right up to the stage with a digital camcorder and filmed extreme close ups of their breasts ("someday I hope to direct").

I was disappointed none of the stars sang Janis Joplin’s heartbreaking classic “Down on Me”.

The place was rocking and yet there was some guy at a table just reading a book. That must've been a helluva book.

They gave away prizes and I won one! It’s the first time in my entire life I’ve ever won anything. How fitting it should be a porn DVD -- the 2 disc collector’s set of ETERNITY starring Stormy Danials, Jessica Drake, and a horse. Plus, it comes with a director’s track. ("I began by shooting extreme close ups of breasts".)

Unfortunately, we had to leave before I could get up and do my medley from “Fiddler on the Roof”. But there’s always next week…and the following week…and the week after that.

Friday, March 02, 2018

Friday Questions

Who has some Friday Questions?

Tom Galloway does.

While there are actors who have prestige (Hanks, Streep, let's say Clooney, Mirren, etc.) it seems for the last few years it's the franchise or overall type of picture that opens, not any of the actors to any great degree. So, while for example you've got the Chrises as "stars" (Hemsworth, Pratt, Pike, etc.) I don't think any of them have done well with movies outside of particular franchises. And unlike Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, etc., I can't think of anyone who can open a comedy these days. 

Kevin Hart maybe if you go strictly by boxoffice performance. But comedy really took a bath last year. Deservedly so based on the material itself. Amy Schumer, Tina Fey, Will Ferrell, Melissa McCarthy, Adam Sandler, Rebel Wilson barely made a dent. Who knew? Stars aren’t enough. Audiences want good writing.  Amy Schumer in a movie does not automatically make it funny.

Bob Gassel asks:

I notice MASH never did a flashback to events from before the series started (Hawkeye getting drafted, Klinger first putting on a dress, etc), was this ever discussed, or was it forbidden in the show playbook.

It was a creative choice not to leave Korea. So if we wanted to show scenes from home they were home movies shown in the camp.

Flashbacks were never discussed during my tenure. But there was an episode where relatives of the 4077 members got together for a party stateside. There was some discussion over whether we see any of it and ultimately we decided not to. Part of the feeling we wanted to convey was that these soldiers felt isolated and cut off from the real world. So if they couldn’t be there we didn’t want the audience to be there either.

Someone who calls herself Maris Crane wonders:

On the shows you have written for, are there any characters that you just instinctively got?

I’d have to say Klinger, Frasier, Martin Crane and don’t make fun of me but Diane Chambers.

And finally, from Tom:

Given the high turnover rates in the ranks of studio executives, what is the downside to re-submitting a script a couple of years later that a previous regime had said no to? A) Who would know? and B) Even if they did know, it's a new set of decision-making eyes, no?

Every script submitted to a studio is logged in. Then they all receive “coverage.” That’s a two-page report summarizing the plot, critiquing the writing, and making recommendations to either consider or reject the screenplay.

So to answer your first question, they would all know. New decision-makers rarely look back at past regimes. Either the script was originally rejected or if recommended the new regime generally thinks it must be shit because the old regime was shit.

What's your Friday Question?  Leave it in the comments section.  Thanks.

Thursday, March 01, 2018

Why I hate Robert Redford

It’s not enough he was a great looking guy, a huge movie star, and an Oscar-winning director? Now he also has to take credit for writing the screenplay of ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN?

Fuck him.

The screenplay is credited to William Goldman. For those not familiar, he wrote BUTCH CASSIDY & THE SUNDANCE KID (the film that actually launched Redford’s starring career), THE PRINCESS BRIDE, MARATHON MAN, and many others. He’s also written a ton of brilliant books, both fiction and non-fiction. His book about the movie industry, ADVENTURES IN THE SCREEN TRADE is still the definitive read on the subject. Suffice it to say, the man is a GIANT. He’s my screenwriting idol.

Goldman took on the near impossible task of taking the book of ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN with its complicated cast of players, and tangled-web of deceits and cover ups and somehow turned it into a cohesive dramatic structure that fit within the time limits of a movie. And he miraculously made it compelling even when everyone in the world already knew the ending. 

He did draft after draft, before and during the filming. Ultimately he won the Academy Award for Best Screenplay. And yet he still wishes he hadn’t bothered with this assignment. To win an Oscar and still regret taking the project speaks volumes, doesn’t it?

Redford, in his biography and a Vanity Fair article claims that HE along with director Alan J. Pakula booked a room in a hotel and spent a month rewriting Goldman’s “disastrous” screenplay.

Fuck him.

Journalist Richard Stayton, in an article for Written By Magazine (put out by the WGA), investigated this claim. He managed to secure practically every draft. It was an exhaustive process. Ultimately, he concludes that William Goldman, not Robert Redford wrote ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN. To quote him:

Writers write, and actors – for the most part – speak their lines. After reading Goldman’s script, that distinction seems both clear and indisputable.

So again, fuck you, Robert Redford.

Anyone in a position of power who uses it to take credit for someone else's work is a scumbag in my book. That Redford would deny credit to a man who did a near-impossible job of turning a long complex piece of nonfiction into a riveting motion picture (not to mention that this man was a key figure in your career) is reprehensible. Is your ego that big? Is your need for praise that great? Is your disregard for others that enormous?

This is why I hate him. And this is why I say once more, but in capital letters this time: