PEOPLE magazine has announced the 100 Most Beautiful People in the World. Again, I’m not on it. Forget that it’s impossible to rate one person’s beauty over another, the pictures in the magazine all look so touched up and air brushed that Linda Hunt could be the most beautiful woman in the world. This begs the question, who’s the most beautiful in real life and who’s the most beautiful back lit? It’s one thing to put filters on movie cameras but some of these actresses have to be shot through horse blankets.
The best place to determine who has the most natural beauty would be the gym I attend. It’s small, no frills, and for some reason attracts a lot of celebrities. I’m guessing it’s the wall to wall mirrors. The article claims that Angelina Jolie is number one. I’m here to tell you, no way. They haven’t seen her on the Stairmaster. Skanky, tattoos, unwashed hair. Whenever she’s in the gym I pray that Jennifer Aniston doesn’t show up because if she saw that she lost her husband to THAT she’d blow her brains out.
One Jennifer who is beautiful, even after an hour on the treadmill is Garner. (Once I was on the next treadmill and so wanted to say, “Ben Affleck? What THE FUCK are you thinking??” But instead I just smiled and almost fell off the machine when she removed her sweatshirt.)
Cindy Crawford is another natural beauty. It’s fun to see her there and watch all the Brentwood Botox moms seethe.
And then there are the stars that move up a notch or two because they’re just so doggone nice and approachable. Colby from SURVIVOR is one. (Although, again, I’m sooo tempted to ask, “when you won that hatchback on the show and climbed into the back with your mother, what the fuck was up with that?”)
And then there are those that move down because they’re so unapproachable. Don’t worry, Ms. starring female lead of PEARL HARBOR , I’m not going to ask you for your autograph or why, in the scene where you enter Ben’s room to see him packing all his things you say, “Are you leaving?”
If PEOPLE did use our gym as it’s measuring device they would find that many of the most beautiful people aren’t celebrities at all. They’re housewives, trainers, firemen, and comedy writers (hey, I can dream). But the point is: to say that the competition for the 100 most beautiful people in the world can only be celebrities is probably inaccurate since it leaves out 99.9999999% of the people in the world.
Angelina , wash your hair. You just might crack the top four million.
Love this post. LOVE. IT.
ReplyDeleteUnbeleivable!! Jolie is SO not beautiful. There are just way more options than her. At least it is not Britney.
ReplyDeleteI love your take on this. And I can't believe Angelina doesn't wash her hair. It's so easy! Even I do it - every day!
ReplyDeleteSometimes twice a day!
Would you like to wash it for me, b-a-b-y?
ReplyDeleteMore gossip like this, please. I'll even pay. Love it.
ReplyDeleteHard to believe Angelina actually uses a Stairmaster. I just assumed her exercise regimen was relegated to seven-hour tantric sex sessions with Brad, or any other lucky bastard who stumbles into the mud hut out there in Namibia, followed by a peaceful night’s rest upside down in the cave.
ReplyDeleteI’m eagerly awaiting your follow-up from the co-ed showers.
Despite the over-saturation of Affleck in that post, I second that - damn what I wouldn't give to get sweaty next to Jennifer Garner. Ken you are a charmed man!
ReplyDeleteI really should think these things through a little more before I type them.
Okay, so I now I need to look around and see who's edging closer to me at the gym and who's running for the hills. Yeah, it's all about me.
ReplyDeleteKen, you're so much fun! C'mon, tell us who else works out at your gym and if they're nice people.
ReplyDeleteIs everyone at the gym too cool to be starstruck, or do men suck in beer guts on the treadmill when Cindy Crawford walks by? Do non-celebrity women work out in full makeup in case Brad shows up?
Yeah, gossip for a Friday. Perfection, Ken.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was going to UCLA I lived in BH/WeHo and the gym I went to I miss - not only was it laid back, but the celeb watching was killer. I always wondered why they were there, though, you know? When I am filthy rich, I think I'll have my own home, gym, thanks. But it must appeal to their 'social' natures to want to sweat with the 'little people.' I am still a little miffed that I decided not go to the gym on that Sunday where my mom went and spent an hour - an hour! - jogging next to jake gyllenhaal. I swear, I went in every Sunday for like 3 months and we never jogged together. Oh well, I did get to share smiles with Patrick Demposey, before the whole Grey's Anatomy bruhaha. He is, like they say, dreamy.
Keep'em coming, Ken :-)
-- Pascia
nice job ken. people tend to forget how much work it takes to manufacture the images of our stars. one of the biggest disappointments i carry with me is how so many of the actors i have met are zero's in the personality department. a friend, movie critic on tv and producer of a show i played the pit band on, told me that this was because an actor that truly doesn't have much personality presents a director with a blank canvas to paint on. it was food for thought.
ReplyDeleteGood post, and a real shame that People's pool of contenders is always celeb-centric. Of course, that's what sells magazines. But it would be good to see some of the really great looking people from various lines of work.
ReplyDeleteFrom WeHo to Burbank, I've seen Lorenzo Lamas and Faye Dunaway and a few other tabloid faces sweatin' it out to the oldies. They looked the same as their images, I don't remember it being a disappointment. FD wasn't wearing makeup but with her great facial structure, she can get away with it.
Obviously, we don't go to the same gym.
ReplyDeleteIt's cool that you leave them alone and report back.
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen many celebs at my gym, but I do hear a lot of industry people having conversations about how much life sucks and their agents are getting them too many jobs and they just don't have enough time to smoke pot anymore, all while they run on the treadmill.
In my opinion, the most beautiful people at the gym are the personal trainers. And they bathe frequently.
Funny, I just posted something related to this article on my blog, the read yours. Great post - I enjoyed reading it...
ReplyDeleteI was at the Mr. and Mrs. Smith premiere. I stood just a few feet away from Jolie, and I must say that Angelina is ridiculously hot in person , and I'm not even that enamored with her onscreen like some others are. Just sayin'...
ReplyDeleteIsn't Brad a bit of a skank in the personal hygiene dept, as well?
ReplyDeleteMaybe they've got that going for themselves; something they have in common-like. (I heard Brad really stinks, sometimes, on location, a lot.)
Although, it could be the lack of proper bathing facilities on such locations as those in "Legends of the Fall" I believe it was Anthony Hopkins that remarked upon Pitt's development of a strong, over-powering stench, or something.
ReplyDelete