Written by Treva Silverman

Here are some scenes from THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW written by Treva Silverman. These are from her first drafts. For those not familiar with the show, Mary's friends are Rhoda (Valerie Harper), Phyllis (Cloris Leachman), and her boss is Lou Grant (Ed Asner).


Rhoda, who has been dieting for months, has just returned from a meeting at Weight Losers and is telling Mary about it.

INT. MARY’S APT. - NIGHT

RHODA
So there was this big event tonight. Once a month the group leader announces how much combined weight all the Weight Loser groups lost in the whole city. And you know how much we dropped this month? Nine thousand, three hundred and thirty three pounds.

MARY
Really? Wow!

RHODA
(musing)
More than nine thousand pounds. I don’t really like to dwell on it, actually. I mean, if you took all that fat and shaped it around, kind of, you could make over six hundred strange little people –- six hundred mushy little round things. Who need a lot of muscle toning.

(As Rhoda's saying this, Mary unthinkingly starts unwrapping a candy bar. Suddenly she stops, flustered, uncertain what to do.)

MARY
Oh….uh --

RHODA
No. Look, I mean, you have a right to live, too. And I have to learn how to deal with the….candy area of life. I can’t expect the whole world to stop what they're doing and survive on cottage cheese, now, can I? (A slight, almost imperceptible licking of her lips; plaintively) Mair, what does chocolate taste like?

MARY
Taste like? Really?

RHODA
Yeah…Tell me…and don’t hold anything back.

MARY
(taking a bite) Well…uh…well, it tastes…dark….

RHODA
(a little involuntary moan emanates from her throat; embarrassed) Oh, sorry….(dreamily) Yeah…dark…right…it’s dark and…textury…and richly smooth, right?

MARY
Well, yes…in a way…

RHODA
(a far-off gaze) What about almonds? Does it have almonds?

MARY
(hesitantly) A few…

RHODA
Oh, good, I love almonds! Are you eating an almond right now?

MARY
Uh, yes. Rhoda --

(Mary, self-conscious, turns a little away. Rhoda follows her, mesmerized. Finally Mary finishes the candy bar as Rhoda lives along with each bite.)

RHODA
(sighs) Oh, Mary…that was the best candy bar I ever watched. (Hopefully) You know what I feel in the mood for? Why don’t you have some butter pecan ice cream right now?

MARY
No, I don’t think so. (doubtfully) Thanks.

RHODA
Maybe later?

MARY
We’ll see.


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Lou and Mary are in Mary’s apartment, talking.


INT. MARY’S APT. – NIGHT

(There’s a knock at the door. Phyllis bursts in. She’s wearing a very glamorous long dress.)

PHYLLIS
(upbeat) Hi, hi!

LOU
(unthrilled) Hi, hi.

MARY
Hello, Phyllis.

(Phyllis holds her arms out, demonstrating her dress.)

PHYLLIS
New dress. (whirls around) You likee?

MARY
(politely)
Oh, very much.

PHYLLIS
(to Lou)
Lou, you likee?

LOU
Yeah, I……likee.

(Phyllis, in her own little world, laughs merrily.)

PHYLLIS
I saw it on the rack…and I thought, but it’s so glamorous. Do I dare wear something this glamorous? I mean, I’m not a model or anything….the very idea….I mean, me? A model?

(There is no reaction.)

PHYLLIS (Cont.)
(laughs) Me?

(She waits She laughs again. No reaction.)

PHYLLIS (Cont.)
A model?

(She laughs. Nobody reacts. She slowly stops laughing. Her eyes narrow.)

PHYLLIS (Cont.)
(flatly) What I’m saying is I think I’m not beautiful. I’m saying I’m almost plain -- too plain to ever become a model. Under any circumstances. Whatsoever.

MARY
No, you’re not, Phyllis. You…I mean…you know, maybe you could be a model.

PHYLLIS
(after a beat, preens) Oh, you’re just saying that.

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Beginning tomorrow: my Fall Movie Preview. I summarize so you don't have to.