Well here’s one that really did happen. Just last Wednesday, in that always crazy kooky town of Albuquerque, New Mexico.
A guy and his girlfriend were watching a porno movie at 10:30 in the morning in their house. (A far better alternative than THE VIEW). The girl, 20 year old Amanda Moya (pictured above) suddenly thought a certain porn actor who had just entered the scene was in fact her boyfriend. (Wouldn’t he have to resemble the actor in two ways? But I digress.) She want bat-shit. This is the kind of "previous experience" she must have felt he was obliged to reveal before they moved in together...and had a kid.
Amanda grabbed a large kitchen knife and started chasing him around the house. The terrified look-alike called 911 on his cell as he dodged his knife-wielding beloved.
Wearing only shorts he bolted out of the house and ran down the street for his life, still on line with 911. Meanwhile Amanda followed, hell bent to go all Benihana on him.
He breathlessly told the dispatcher that Amanda had already stabbed him and bitten him on his chest. And then he offered, “She already has battery charges against her. She’s not even supposed to be around me.” (Quick reminder: they live together. And have a child.)
The 911 operator told him to get to a store while she called authorities. (How come you never see this high-speed chase on COPS?) Amanda, with thoughts I'm sure of becoming the next Lorena Bobbitt, remained in hot pursuit.
The victim tells the dispatcher that he sees the arriving cops. But he’s worried they'll just keep heading to his house. The dispatcher says, “Do they see your girlfriend?” He says, “Yes!” She says be sure to point her out. (A crazed woman waving the O.J.-weapon-of-choice isn’t enough to catch a policeman’s attention?)
Amanda was arrested and charged with aggravated assault & battery. Sometimes a happier ending than guy-gets-the-girl is cops-get-the girl.
Watch your local listings. Scheduled for next summer release: SLICE OF LOVE starring Lindsay Lohan, and introducing Rock Hard.
You need to watch Cheaters, you'd see this sort of drama all the time. It's a class show. That and Blind Date, if they were on Network TV Les Moonves would dump Julie Chen and Big Brother in a NY minute and not ever go back.
ReplyDeleteOkay... my word verification is haxse!
ReplyDeleteI think blogger is trying to tell me something.
You know, if this had just happened at a disastrous dinner party, instead of at 10 AM (WHO watches porn that early? Even I don't watch porn that early. Never until noon!), it would be Joe Keenan script.
ReplyDeleteYou'd think she would want to make CERTAIN it was her boy friend before going all Norma Bates with the cutlery.
Women. Can't live with them, because they'll kill you.
Another story that makes me glad I'm gay.
Ever notice how the emergency dispatchers never veer from their script? The how-to-dispatch manual doesn't encourage improvisation.
ReplyDeleteNo siree, hence the "be sure to point her out"!!
amanda,are you kids on the ecstasy again?
ReplyDeleteor did you crush up the painkillers you sticky-fingered from your cancer stricken Grandmother's medicine cabinet and snort them instead of drinking them with a full glass of water like the directions say?
um, new mexico....isn't that sean young territory?
ReplyDeleteKen, I know you'll delete the above spam posts, but the user name (Steve Cadick) would be the perfect name to play Rock Hard's best friend.
ReplyDeleteAh, just another slice of life....
Makes you feel a little better about your lonely bachelorhood, doesn't it Ken?
ReplyDeleteIf I had a boyfriend who turned out to be a porn star I'd just look at him and go, "So how come you never do that stuff to me?"
ReplyDeleteThat's why I love living in New Mexico: never a dull morning, or a dull knife, in this case.
ReplyDeleteMaybe someone can turn this into a little scene for Legion, "an apocalyptic action thriller starring Dennis Quaid, Kate Walsh and Tyrese Gibson," which is now shooting at the College of Santa Fe's Garson Studios. (On my campus.)
In this scene, the man's cell phone doesn't work due to, well, the apocalypse, and the woman chases him all the way down I-25 to Mexico while mushroom clouds are springing up on the horizons to the north in Los Alamos and to the east in Roswell.
Every apocalypse needs a little comic relief.
Emily, please call me.
ReplyDeleteYeah RAC, explain to her why you are unable to do that to her *snicker*
ReplyDeleteWhoa, Sebastian, don't eat all your Snickers before lunch, dude.
ReplyDeleteI want to date Emily Blake!!!
ReplyDeleteI think it's a sweet story. The climax (no pun intended), would of course be the girl getting bailed out of jail, only to wander out of the police station, to see her betrothed waiting for her, leaning up against his car. There is some apprehension as she approaches him, he still looks hurt about her attempting to kill him. Then he takes a bouquet of flowers out from behind his back. Smiles all around. They embrace. Cue music and credits.
ReplyDelete[note from studio executive] Can we give her a quirky best friend, and maybe an ethnic minority best friend for the guy?
I think this phallocentric plot might be perfect for an Apatow production, perhaps as a natural sequel to "Knocked Up." Those who had trouble believing that Katherine Heigl would fall for Seth Rogen might more readily accept her chasing him around with a butcher knife.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Emily! Amanda certainly has her priorities screwed up... so to speak
ReplyDeleteI can't remember when I laughed that hard!
ReplyDeleteAmanda Moya, eh? That surname sounds like it might be the Spanish feminine for "mohel."
ReplyDeleteYou just don't see many women going into that line of work (mohel).
ReplyDelete10AM Porn viewing is usually reserved for Meth users. Which would explain the shocking turn of events.
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to see why many episodes of "Cops" are filmed in NM.
B
"Women...can't live with them...pass the beer nuts." - Norm Peterson
ReplyDeleteHey anonymous: Can I take Remedial Porn at 9:30am? I'm bad at Meth.
ReplyDelete"Women - can't live with 'em, can't stuff 'em in a sack." - Newhart's Larry
ReplyDeleteFunny! More due to the narration than the content itself, but then aren't they all?
ReplyDelete