How aliens view earthlings

An alien aircraft has been discovered hovering over the earth. We’ve been able to intercept their communications back to their mother planet. Through complex mega-computers we’ve been able to translate their language. Turns out it’s very similar to Yiddish. The following is a recent communique detailing their impressions of us earthlings:

We recently have been able to access something called the internet. It is a shared data service that can only be accessed by fruit. We don’t know how they tap into these pieces of edible spheres  but specifically humans utilize apples for this purpose.

The internet is received in several ways, mostly through radio wave transmission. We were able to access it thanks to something called Verizon. There is another service – AT&T – but that one didn’t work.

All forms of information are available on things called websites. Based on volume of traffic we conclude the primary interest among all humans is pornography. In a country called the United States there seems to be a large allegiance to Fox News. Those same humans switch back and forth between Fox News and pornography.

Whereas we have libraries, earthlings obtain their reading material through a website called Amazon. Prices vary wildly. The smallest unit of United States currency is one cent and we found a book that only costs that amount. It’s called “It’s Gone! No, Wait a Minute” by Ken Levine. How terrible must it be to sell for the absolute minimum value possible? And it’s an autographed copy.

We were able to piece together a pretty accurate profile of the lifestyle of those citizens of the United States. There are websites where humans share captured video images of themselves. Two such heavily populated sites are Facebook and Instagram.

Here’s what we’ve concluded: Nobody works. Everybody is on vacation all the time. Everybody looks very flattering. No one’s hair is ever mussed. Everyone smiles all the time. They all seem to derive their life force not from water but from cocktails. Everyone is holding a cocktail in a strange container shaped like a funnel attached to a thin stem. Everyone has an obsession with small animals that are pleasing to the eye. The Fox News faithful share articles criticizing the United States leader.

Unlike our culture where we share complex ideas, on this planet they offer advice in the form of little inspirational sayings. Example: A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on its own wings. Always believe in yourself.

Each entry allows for feedback in the form of “likes.” If a reader approves an entry he may add his name to the “like” section. Based on the number of “likes” we conclude these broad simple generalizations really resonate with humans. The other thing, oddly enough, that humans appear to approve enthusiastically is death. We found many humans sharing that a loved one has passed away and numerous other humans register “likes.”

Humans find it important to document every meal with a captured video image. Apparently one cannot eat fried clams or boysenberry pie without letting the world know.

It is a good life these humans lead. Every night these humans go to concerts. Or restaurants. And it has always been thus. There is a feature called Throwback Thursday where humans share captured videos of themselves in the past – at concerts and restaurants. Interestingly, they always joke about their hair and appearance in those vintage images but they look just as foolish or worse today. Only their teeth is now whiter and the females seem to have larger breasts.

To sum up: We find earth a most inviting planet. We would like to remain here, even land and go on vacations and participate in pornography ourselves. Currency appears mandatory to survive on earth, and of course we have none. But we have come up with a solution. We have started something called a Kickstarter campaign. So far, in three days we’ve raised fifty-thousand dollars, all from Fox News faithful who would like us to take control of their government.