When
I take my seat in an airplane the first thing I do is seek out the Sky
Mall magazine. I am forever amazed by the ungodly prices they charge
for bizarre hokey items. Who buys this crap? Here are some of the
chotzkes in my most recent Sky Mall. Warning: This is a re-post from five years ago so the prices are probably higher and half these products are probably now banned. Vuzix iWear – Glasses that are supposed to simulate the big screen experience. $249. More if you want the iMax experience.
Gravity Defyer Shoes. Somewhat self-explanatory. $200. Or, for $4 you could tape Slinkys to your current footwear.
HairMax LaserComb – it’s a comb, it’s a laser. It’s the miracle answer to hair loss. Only $449! Perfect for that cue ball who spends thousands on a toupee that looks like a toilet seat.
X5 Hair Laser – See LaserComb but substitute metal ice pack. $299.
A Portable Alarm Clock for your iPhone. Uh, doesn’t the iPhone already have an alarm clock? $99.95.
Computer Speakers for your iPhone. Not to be confused with any speakers that are the same size and use the same plugs. $149.99.
Retractable Banner Pens – Okay, this you could really need. A thousand for only $950.
Hand Therapy Bars -- $59.
Water trappers -- $169. And they’re fade resistant!
Exclusive Microfibres Trellis Mat to protect high-traffic areas. Here’s the good news: it’s low profile so it will never obstruct your door. $149.
Ingeniously engineered EZ Bed that features an extra-plush mattress, a highly supportive frame, and new dual comfort zones. $299. Who buys a bed from a catalog? "I dunno, it sure seemed firmer in the picture."
Wolfgang Puck-designed toaster – otherwise known as a “toaster”. $99.50.
Cinema style Popcorn Maker – Who doesn’t crave seven tubs of popcorn while watching the National Geographic Channel? $199.
Electric Vortex Solo Heater – Nothing heats a room better than Vortex power. $169.
All-in-one Recycling System – patent pending. Perfect for the person who has compacted and non-compacted items. The idea Christmas gift! $299.
Personal Breathalyzer -- $199. Because expensive gadgets know when to say when.
Feature-laden solar emergency radio – Ideal for those sunny day emergencies. $80.
A Bill Sorter – for only 199 of them.
The Custom Keeper -- 25 cubic feet of storage -- A far better name than laundry hamper. $199. Pretty much everything is $199.
The world’s largest write-on map mural – Only $149. The house with cathedral ceilings at $2,000,000 is not included. But what a mural!
Voice activated R2-D2 – “makes any home feel like it has been transported to a galaxy far far away”. The ad goes on to say it features “distinctive happy and sad sounds faithfully mimicking the real thing… right down to his occasional bad mood." If you buy this (at only $169.95) you are too nerdy to live.
The Electric Tint Changing Ski Goggles – No changing goggles while hurtling down the diamond course. $249.95.
The Upside-Down Tomato Garden – $79.95.
The Hand Crank Two Way Radio – Think of all the money you’ll save on two dollar batteries! Only $99.95.
The only Digital Camera Swim Mask – And it’s waterproof! $99.95.
The Sleep Regulating Sun Lamp – It produces no harmful UV radiation so that’s a plus. $249.95
Adjustable Sheepskin Slippers – You wake up in the morning, it’s 20 degrees in the house, you want your feet to be comfy as you putter around the kitchen. $49.95.
The Motion Sickness Relief Wrist Band – It keeps time and reduces nausea! $139.95.
The Finger Drum Mousepad -- $39.95.
The Mind Spa – This comes with a Catwoman type mask and a control unit that combines soothing sounds and calming lights. $349. From SuckerBornEveryMinute Industries.
The Carbon Fiber Heated Vest --$149.95
The Continuously Freshening Feline Drinking Fountain – What cat would be caught dead drinking out of a bowl these days? $69.95. For an extra ten dollars they should throw in a cat.
The Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer – It uses “proven germicidal UV technology ". And it sanitizes a toothbrush in only seven minutes! $29.95.
The Foldaway Lateral Stepper – $99.95. Or you could just step from side to side yourself for free.
And finally…
The Children’s ATM Bank – No more breaking into piggy banks, kids! Get a debit card and go to town! $39.95.
"Prices are probably higher" and popular murderous fury against airlines is also probably higher too. I was on Frontier Airlines earlier this year where water is $1.99 a glass and the TV screens only showed repeating popup demands to insert your money card if you want to keep watching. The whole air travel business is one big mini-bar fridge that's going to screw you hard...puff...puff...
ReplyDeleteRant over, now it's off to church.
Funny and timely, proving that you still have it as a DJ.
ReplyDeleteBrowsing the catalog on a flight from San Antonio to Atlanta Tuesday I ran across the Side-O-Bacon throw pillows!!!
I kid you not, pillows, that look like a package of raw bacon slices!
Ken, any plans to review Interstellar? I'd love to know your opinion on it. I saw it yesterday and thought it was magnificent. The visuals are incredible and it packs more ideas and ambition into one film than most sci-fi films put together. It's not without it's flaws. Like most of Nolan's films, it's too long and at times overwrought and the characters are sexless in the same way Inception was. But it's a great film nonetheless and as a baseball fan there's a couple of scenes you'll like.
ReplyDeleteYou can't write about SkyMall without mentioning/linking to this! http://iwriteforskymall.tumblr.com
ReplyDeleteThe cat fountain? Highly recommended by a lot of people. Gets the cat to drink more, which is good if you feed kibble. HOWEVER. We had one, and to take it part to clean it was an ordeal, and no matter how I cleaned it, no matter how often, including soaking the pieces in hot soapy water with a little bleach, and then rinsing it well, completely changing the water on a daily basis.... a few of my cats were continually getting sick, non descript illnesses where we all knew they weren't well, but we didn't know what with. A bottle of antibiotics, they'd be fine.... and six weeks later...right back again. It all stopped when we ditched the water fountain, and got an easy to clean deep bowl.
ReplyDeleteWe got it because our cats love
running water, but decided that there's this called a faucet? And we can run that at a trickle for them to get their water...and turn it off when they are done.
I think that's just for first class and business class today. In the steerage (coach), we get to bid for tap water in a paper cup and re-heated burritos. Question on A or B?, now that it's in its last week of performances. Could the play's premise be used for a TV sitcom, or would that be challenging for 80 percent of Americans who like their sitcoms simple? Also wondering if any network suits, or their underlings, made it to the Falcon Theatre?
ReplyDeleteI love how most of them are "The" something. As if there's only one.
ReplyDeleteI just do the crossword puzzle and study the different airplane models and routes. I have thumbed through the catalogs in the past and, like you, wondered who buys this crud. Apparently no one, or there would be pages torn from the magazine.
ReplyDelete