Believe it or not his first draft was 147 pages. (Do NOT try this at home, kids.) Steve was kind enough to give it to me. At 147 pages there obviously were scenes that never saw the flickering light of the projector. But here’s one of those missing scenes. Don’t you wish you could write this well? I do.
When Arthur (Dudley Moore) goes to Linda’s (Liza Minelli) apartment after proposing to Susan:
INT. LINDA’S BEDROOM – NIGHT
It is a small room. Linda sits at the edge of the bed. Arthur paces.
ARTHUR
Nice. Really a nice place.
LINDA
I’m thrilled. A lush likes my furniture. Talk.
Arthur reaches for a yearbook that is on the table.
ARTHUR
Is this your yearbook?
Linda jumps off the bed and rips the yearbook out of Arthur’s hand.
LINDA
God damn it! I have to get up and go to work tomorrow! Now stop fooling around. What do you want? You want to see a funny picture?
ARTHUR
Yeah.
Linda flips through the book. They are close.
LINDA
This is me in the school play – I played Juliet. Martin Feinberg played Romeo. Look at the hair. God! Martin Feinberg became a lawyer.
ARTHUR
What did you become?
LINDA
I’m a waitress. I’m studying to be an actress.
She flips through the book.
ARTHUR
You want to be an actress?
LINDA
No, schmuck… I’m studying to be an actress because I want to be a carpenter. (in the book) Look at this! Me playing vollyball! This guy went to prison.
ARTHUR
Sure… he probably got a lawyer who wanted to play Romeo. Did you go with anyone?
LINDA
Not really. My mother was sick then. I came home from school and spent as much time with her as I… anyway… it wasn’t a good time. This girl here…Mona… used to get laid 20 times a week.
ARTHUR
She looks tired there.
LINDA
Where did you go to school?
ARTHUR
I went to eight prep schools. I was thrown out of all of them. I was real unhappy as a kid.
LINDA
With all your money?
ARTHUR
Yeah. I had a big house. But nobody wanted me in it.
Linda puts her hand on Arthur’s face.
LINDA
You’re a lovely man.
ARTHUR
Lovely?
LINDA
Don’t worry about it. It’s the best thing I’ve ever said to anyone. Why haven’t you called me?
ARTHUR
Uh… that’s why I came here tonight. I think about you all the time. I am so fond of you…
LINDA
If you’re breaking up with me… I think it’s only fair to tell you that we’ve never had a date.
ARTHUR
(smiling) I am breaking up with you. We were so good we didn’t need dates.
LINDA
Why don’t we see each other and then break up?
ARTHUR
Listen… there’s stuff. Let’s not get into it. I can’t see you. Remember that ring?
LINDA
I had a feeling about that ring… you don’t clean that… you guard it.
ARTHUR
I gave it to somebody tonight.
LINDA
My ring? So what are you doing here?
ARTHUR
I had to see you to tell you I can’t see you.
LINDA
Neither of us is crying. Everything’s okay. You are the strangest person in North America.
ARTHUR
Yeah. Well… goodbye. It would probably be a mistake for you to come to that party Wednesday.
He starts toward the door.
LINDA
Yeah.
He turns.
ARTHUR
It’s the best way. There’s a lot involved.
LINDA
Right.
Arthur kisses her on the lips.
ARTHUR
(after the kiss) Goodbye. I guess this is it.
He continues to hold her.
LINDA
You’re holding me and kissing me. In my bedroom. With what you drank… you may be clearing up my sinuses.
Arthur kisses her again.
ARTHUR
Let’s just say goodbye. This is silly.
He kisses her again. This time it grows into a passionate kiss.
LINDA
(after the kiss) How long ago did you get engaged?
ARTHUR
About four hours ago. Jesus… this is wonderful.
LINDA
Make sure you come by your honeymoon night. Let’s stop. I enjoy you… but there are certain rules.
ARTHUR
Right… Goodbye.
He exits.
In the actual movie this scene was rewirtten and is much shorter. He goes to her apartment to give her $100,000 guilt money which she doesn't take. (Great shot of her dad outside the door, practically dissolving into tears.)
By the way, in the first draft Linda is not Italian. She's Jewish. Davidorf is her original last name.
Glad you mentioned the dad. Barney Martin is the icing on the cake in that movie.
ReplyDeleteWhat timing and pace and emotional ups and downs and humor and ... well everything. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI just watched this again the other day. What a classic. It certainly didn't need a sequel, or a remake. Thanks for posting this excerpt Ken. I would have loved to have read the whole screenplay.
ReplyDeleteEarl B sez:
ReplyDeleteAlways loved Arthur. It's where I first noticed the difference between what some comedians call big room and little room bits. For example, the whole "He's taking the knife out of the cake!" bit plays like gangbusters in a packed theater, but painfully unfunny to a sole viewer (at least this one).
Assuming I'm making any sense, could you write a little about the structure and/or placement of such things? Have you ever, in your writing, thought "This is a good, clever joke, but at this point in the script I need a bellylaugh"?
"If you’re breaking up with me… I think it’s only fair to tell you that we’ve never had a date."
ReplyDeleteThat's good.
I was on a date once, took the girl to see Brian De Palma's "Blow Out" (starring John Travolta). The movie upset her so much, she was crying and kind of mad I had taken her to see it. I thought, "What am I going to do?!" I had seen "Arthur" the week before, so I drove across town, got there in time for the last showing. She loved it, it saved the night.....and I got laid. I owe that movie!
ReplyDeleteHow rich are you?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
Pilot Joe
How rich are you?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a dime for every dime I had.
A real woman could keep you from drinking.
She would have to be a really big woman.
Do you think you would ever share the whole original draft? I think so many people would want to study it like you have. Even a "long" scene like that seems effortless. Makes you wonder what the original version would have been like.
ReplyDeleteDon't you hate Perry's wife?
ReplyDeleteTo Pilot Joe: It's how Dudley Moore drunkenly slurs "big" that really makes that line kill. KILL. I watched it a few years ago and laughed hard at that one too.
ReplyDeleteTo Steve Bailey: The dad is really good.
To Ken: I am chauffered drunkenly around New York nightly in 2019 and no one complains...of course my man Francois mows them down before they have the chance. A Drunken sod, but he's cheap. You may resume your vulgar blogging now.
Sean
I don't see what's the big deal. The scene was O.K., but it reads like a first draft. Maybe it's funnier in context. That is, I've never seen "Arthur." If I had it might appreciate it more.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of Liza Minnelli, she was on the news the other night. Singer Michael Feinstein opened a new supper club at Vitello's restaurant in Studio City, CA. Yes. It's the same Vitello's where Robert Blake shot his wife. Liza was there to help him open the club. She didn't look or sound too good. But, she has had a rough life.
M.B.
Why do so many "Anonymous" posters sign their name to their (usually) vapid posts ?
ReplyDeleteLINDA
ReplyDeleteNot really. My mother was sick then. I came home from school and spent as much time with her as I… anyway… it wasn’t a good time. This girl here…Mona… used to get laid 20 times a week.
ARTHUR
She looks tired there.
Yes, Your Honor, that was the moment I caused the pileup on the causeway. No, apparently I have not learned not to read Ken Levine's blog while driving.
Dudley and Liza were wonderful, but John Gielgud stole every scene he was in.
ReplyDelete"I'll alert the media."
ARTHUR is on my short list of funniest movies of all-time. It is up there with A Thousand Clowns and My Favorite Year. Along with Pilot Joe I love the restaurant scene between Dudley Moore and Jill Eikenberry('Take my hand'-'that would leave you with one ' or 'do you have any objection to naming a child Vladimir,even if it's a girl') I also love the scene at the Plaza where he tells his aunt and uncle about Princess Gloria;about how small a country she comes from 'Rhode Island could kick the crap out of it in a war...It's 85 cents in a cab from one end of the country to other, we're talking small. They recently had the entire country carpeted.' Princess Gloria was played by Anne DeSalvo, who was also great in My Favorite Year. I am reading Top of the Rock, Warren Littlefield's book. The chapter of the evolution of Frasier was packed with stuff I didn't know;the original idea was Kelsey being a Malcolm Forbes type and that Niles wasn't included until someone brought in a picture of David Hyde Pierce.
ReplyDelete“She looks tired there.”
ReplyDeleteSLOL — snort laughed out loud.
Any chance we—your loyal readers—could read that script?
I don't find drunk humor funny anymore. At that time I may have. I have watched the film in recent years and found a lot of the Dudley Moore character very unfunny. Different time I guess.
ReplyDeleteI dont find drunk humor funny anymore. I may have then. I have watched the movie in recent years and found the Dudley Moore character very unfunny. Different time I guess.
ReplyDelete