Oh, have times changed

So far I'm enjoying DESIGNATED SURVIVOR (although when is going to just "Jack Bauer" on these people?).     Kiefer Sutherland plays a U.S. President.  There's also a U.S. President on SCANDAL.   Both shows are on ABC.   That last fact is important to this story.  Other networks and streaming services have actors are portraying the Commander in Chief as well.  There must be five or six of them.  And as I watch these, I can't help thinking back to when David Isaacs and I sold a pilot to ABC that had a U.S. President character and how that made our life so difficult.

This is a story of development hell, network interference, a flawed premise, total absurdity, and how different things were in 1980.    

The pilot we pitched and sold was centered around the White House press corps. This seemed an interesting area to us – the notion of people working closely together who were close friends but also rivals. We imagined a plethora of stories of reporters roaming the White House corridors, making friends with White House gardeners and maids, trying to out-scoop each other. We could have romantic rivals, eccentric grizzled reporters, eager newbies, etc.

We could also create this world of the administration. WEST WING long before WEST WING.

And we could include political humor, something that was non-existent in sitcoms at the time.

So the show would be edgy, smart, satiric, very contemporary.

That was our pitch and that’s what ABC loved and bought.

We went off to do research. Thanks to a friend who was a White House correspondent, we got temporary press credentials to join the corps.

What we learned was this: the reporters had NO access to the corridors of the White House. They could NOT just roam the hallways. They all had to stay together as one pack in the pressroom. All day long they just sat. They all got the same presidential itineraries, all received the same briefings. If there was a photo op they were all herded as one into the Oval Office, behind ropes, then told to return to their pressroom. Interaction with the President had to be formally requested and granted. You couldn't just happen to be next to him at the urinals.

When the president traveled so did the corps., but as one group. They flew together, were bussed together, and basically did exactly what they did at the White House – sit around and kill time. Wow!!!

This was maybe the least dynamic character comedy premise EVER. But that part wasn’t ABC’s fault; it was ours for pitching this idea without knowing what the hell we were talking about.

Still, we figured we could save it. Create fascinating characters and watch them interact with each other.  Good series are ultimately about relationships anyway.

Originally, we planned to have two young reporters who had a love/hate relationship. We changed that and made the woman the press secretary and the guy a brash new reporter who just got the White House beat.  And they had once had a thing together that ended badly.  Now you had the fun of the reporter needing this person who he had previously dumped. And there was still a little spark for both of them. There was mileage in that. (Here’s how long ago this was: our prototype for the young guy in our pilot was David Letterman.)

So we had interesting characters and we still had the unique arena of national politics.

Here’s where ABC stepped in. We were not allowed to be specific regarding the president. We couldn’t say whether he was a Republican or Democrat. Well, this was sort of a problem. How could we give him a point of view? Sorry. No party affiliation.

We also couldn’t give the president a NAME. Not even a fictitious one. We couldn’t call him President Smith. They thought even a name was too political.

We weren’t allowed to debate issues. So what was anybody going to talk about?  Does anyone know a good barber?

Imagine a lawyer show where no one was allowed to mention the law. It was madness! ABC was concerned our show would be too controversial. President SMITH was too controversial?

Why the fuck did they buy this???

It gets worse.

Our pilot story revolved around one reporter getting to do a one-on-one interview with the president. Which reporter will it be? We decided to go with this story because, well… it’s the ONLY story this premise allowed for.

The last scene was our brash reporter interviewing the president. We artfully avoided issue questions. Note from ABC: We are not allowed to SHOW the president. We can hear him voice over, but actually seeing him is too specific.

But if you ever go to the White House you’ll notice that there photos of the president EVERYWHERE. Same for most government agencies but certainly in the building where he lives. We couldn’t use an identifiable actor’s picture of course, so my solution was a photo of my dad (pictured: right) . My father looks very presidential. He has often been mistaken for Sam Wanamaker or Ted Baxter.  Nope. ABC wouldn’t allow it. No pictures, not even of a person no one in America knows.

We dutifully turned in the second draft -- which ultimately was 45 pages of absolutely nothing -- and to our great relief, it was STILL too incendiary. ABC passed. Shucks! Today we’d be able to say we once did a David Letterman failed pilot. Unless they said we couldn’t actually show the reporter, which in retrospect, was highly likely.

But ABC did say they loved working with us and implored us to bring our next idea to them first. Would it surprise you to learn we didn’t?

I'm trying an experiment

I've been on Twitter for several years and want to see if by Tweeting more I actually get more followers.   So I'm Tweeting lots of nonsense I hope you'll find amusing in 140 characters or less.   How has the experiment gone so far?  I've lost 20 followers.  

But a lot of my Tweets are anti-Trump so that's to be expected. 

If you'd like to read my misguided take on politics, show biz, and society please follow me on Twitter.  You can click here or the Twitter icon to the right of this post. 

In a month I expect to either go viral or be down to three followers. 

But I'm asking you to make this experiment a success.   Together we can make Social Media great again! 

Ever have an MRI?

Getting an MRI is never fun. A few years ago I needed one. Hearing the stories of how claustrophobic it can be squeezed into that tube, I asked my doctor whether I needed some sort of tranquilizer. He said he’d be happy to prescribe one but it meant I couldn’t drive home on my own. I asked how long the procedure would take? He said, not long. He just wanted to see one thing. Maybe ten, fifteen minutes.

So I decided not to take the tranquilizer. I could hang in there for ten/fifteen minutes. Besides, I could then come straight from work, wouldn’t need to inconvenience anyone to give me a ride home, etc.

The appointed day...

I arrive at the MRI center and learn I have to be in the tube for forty-five minutes. Shit! That's a little longer than ten. And there are no tranquilizers in sight. I express my reluctance and the technician says, “I think I can help you. We have these headphones. Normally, we play soothing music to help relax the patients." I said, "Like what? TIMOTHY?" He didn't get it. Probably neither did you. (It's a record about a guy who gets trapped in a mine and is eaten by the other miners. But that's for another fun day.)

The technician boasted that on this particular MRI they had television.

“How are you gonna wedge a television in that tube? There’s no room as it is,” I asked, still worried that I wasn’t on major drugs.

“We line up a mirror to a television that’s behind you. You see the image and hear the audio over the earphones.”

"Fine. Whatever. Let’s do it."

So they slide me into the tube. It’s as terrifying as you imagine. I’m handed a bulb to squeeze if I’m about to freak out. I begin hearing the loud rhythmic metallic clanging as it begins to record an image.  That noise alone is terrifying.  And then the fact that your laying in the barrel of a cannon.  They turn on the TV. And that’s when things went from scary to truly frightening. The show they put on was THE NANNY. And not just any episode of THE NANNY. Oh no, this was the one-hour best-of highlights show from THE NANNY.

For forty-five minutes I was forced to lie still in this tube that was no more than an inch away from my face and be subjected to non-stop Fran Drescher at her most extreme.

I thought about squeezing the emergency bulb.  But really, would I be the biggest pussy they'd ever seen?   "Hey, Fred, you shoulda seen the idiot we had in here last night.  He had a meltdown because he didn't like the channel."  

I somehow tough it out.

But they finally wheel me out. I am sweating and hyperventilating. They ask if I'm okay, and I say, “Yeah, I guess so. How did the rest of the Focus Group do?”

The CHEERS intelligence graph

Compliments of Neatogama.com.

As someone who wrote these characters for nine years, this would be my order:

Lilith
Frasier
Diane

(now comes a big drop)

Sam
Rebecca
Carla
Norm
Cliff

Coach
Woody
 
Sam was dumbed down over the years but at least during the first few seasons he was very smart and savvy.  So if you average his IQ over the seasons he still comes out way ahead, certainly better than Cliff.

I can't believe they put Cliff anywhere near the top.

Why Coach over Woody?   They were both pretty addled.  But you figure that before he was hit in the head by too many fastballs, the Coach was probably smarter.  Although, now that I think about it, how intelligent do you have to be to just get out of the way?  


This is a re-post from four years ago.

Friday Questions

It’s Friday Question Day, and weekend three of my play GOING GOING GONE at the Hudson Theatre in Hollywood. Hope you can see it and realize that the half-price ticket offer makes it well worth it to fly to Los Angeles from wherever in the world you are.  And tonight, there will be a meet-and-greet before the show.  Just go here for tickets and information.

Wayne starts us off:

Going to see your play next week. (Now THAT’S the way to get your FQ answered.)

What is the running time of a full-length play?

What is the page count of the scripts?

Lengths vary. Some are as short as an hour, NICHOLAS NICKLEBY was something like twelve hours. Bring a sandwich.

Generally plays are in the 90 minute to two hour range, but not necessarily. Eugene O’Neill tends to go long. I've teased him about that. 

And musicals are generally two-plus hours with an intermission. They always talk about the “11:00 number.” That’s the big wind up show stopping song, and if you do the math – if opening curtain is at 8:00, there’s a fifteen or twenty minute intermission, and then the show ends around 11:10 – that’s close to three hours of performance.

My play runs 90 minutes with no intermission. That’s sort of the new trend – eliminating intermissions, playing straight through. For my comedy that all takes place over one night in the same locale, that’s ideal.

What’s interesting to me is that many theaters prefer no intermissions. You’d think they’d want the break to sell more concessions. It’s not like they could have vendors going down the aisles during HAMILTON yelling, “Peanuts! Get yer peanuts, here!” (Although for my play about baseball that might work.)

In the play format each page is about a minute. Mine’s a little shorter because it zips along. GOING GOING GONE is 81 pages.

Here’s another theater question from an Anonymous reader:

I'd be interested to hear about the business end of playwriting.

Say I'm 22 and newly arrived from Genesco, Illinois. I've got the most brilliantly written piece of art since Deuteronomy. I've got an apt in the dumpy heart of Hollywood and 12-year-old Toyota. Now what? I don't know anybody in LA and I don't make friends easily. Nobody back home knows anybody in LA. I'm ready to knock on doors but where are the doors? How does this business work? It's not like there's an ad on Craig's List for "Playwright Wanted." What, at the most basic fundamental level, do I do to get started?

First off, use your name. Plays written by “Anonymous” rarely get produced.

Then join ALAP, the Alliance of Los Angeles Playwrights. They’re a great organization with many events and chances to network.

Check to see what theater companies in town have playwrighting units; support groups that hear and critique each other’s work.

See if there are extension courses at UCLA. The idea is to meet people and become a part of the theater community. Go see a lot of small theater. Often the playwright or director will be there. They’re usually accessible if you tell them you loved their play. Even if you lie.   I know it works with me.

But ALAP is your best first bet.

Andy Ihnatko wonders:

As the author of the play AND an experienced booth announcer, which is harder: watching an actor make a choice with your character that you didn't originally imagine and don't immediately agree with, or watching an actor choose to do things that look perfectly normal to anyone in the audience, but make you want to scream "WE NEVER BLOW ON OUR COFFEE CUPS THE COFFEEMAKERS ARE ALWAYS SO ANCIENT THAT THEY BARELY CAN MAKE ANYTHING WARM!!! SO FAKE!!!!"?

I can always express my concerns to the director, and that generally clears things up.

Yes, it’s frustrating if an actor makes a choice that to me doesn’t ring true. But often an actor will make a choice I hadn’t considered and it’s better than what I had envisioned. So you take the good with the bad, but generally there’s way more good.

And finally, Steve has a television question about unforeseen circumstances.

What do you do if a death or other event happens between taping a show and broadcasting it makes some of the jokes seem in questionable taste?

Hopefully you can get the network to change the airdate to allow some time to pass. Or, if you do have some time and it’s worth it (because it’ll be expensive), go back and either edit out the sensitive material, or replace it if you’re still in production.

Unforeseen circumstances occur more often in dramas than comedies. World events such as plane crashes or terrorist attacks that mirror events on some entertainment shows often result in the shows being forced to scramble or postponed until enough time has passed. That happened with the 24 pilot as I recall.

What’s your Friday Question?

For those who like to laugh

There are still about ten half-price tickets left for tomorrow night's performance of my new play, GOING GOING GONE in Hollywood.  And before the show a meet-and-greet.  It's a great way to begin the weekend, support this free blog, and meet other readers. 

Just go here to order tickets.  Type in the promo code 008.   Tickets will be only $15. 

Here are some more reviews. 

Erin Conley -- On Stage or Screen.

Serita Stevens -- Splash Magazine.

Mark Evanier -- News From ME

Now back to today's blog post.

The hardest-working person in theater

Here’s another chapter in the making of a play – notably mine – GOING GOING GONE, currently playing at the Hudson Theatre in Hollywood.

Now the play is up and just clicking along. Getting to this point was not easy. The week before opening we had two dress rehearsals and then two previews with audiences. The first one was a disaster. The air conditioning in the theatre went out. There’s a reason David Letterman kept his studio in the 60’s and not 90’s. The first rule of comedy: People don’t laugh when they’re having a heat stroke.

The second preview went better although there were sound problems. But hey, that’s what previews are for. By opening night, everything worked and we were on our way.

To give you an idea of what goes on behind-the-scenes I want to focus today on the hardest working person in the production. No, it’s not the director, or producer, or even playwright (although he in particular is VITAL). It’s the stage manager.

Emyli Gudmundson is ours, and despite the bizarre spelling, is the one person that keeps the show going.

Here’s a list of just some of the things she does:

Organizes the rehearsals. Sends out notifications to the actors, prints out scripts, and prepares the rehearsal hall (setting up tables, chairs, props, etc.).

During the rehearsals she keeps track of all the blocking and makes notes of things the director or cast might need. She also keeps track of when the actors are required to go on a break.

After each rehearsal she has to file a report that goes to the producers, director, me, and I’m sure Putin. It lists what exactly was rehearsed and what additional requests the cast or director might have.

She then coordinates with the set designer, sound designer, lighting designer, costume designer – anyone who has “designer” in his or her title – along with the prop director and theatre representatives. She coordinates the building of the set.

She makes sure actors have suitable dressing rooms, props and sets get stored properly, and there are water bottles.

Before each show she dresses the stage, setting up the props. If there is food involved (like there is in my play), she arranges for the groceries and a microwave to cook them in. After each weekend she takes the costumes to the cleaners and picks them up before the next weekend’s shows.

After opening night the director generally disappears. The stage manager is then the de facto director. She leads the cast through a read-through before the first performance of the weekend. If there is a fight on stage Equity requires a fight rehearsal before every show. The stage manager runs that.  If the director phones in notes for the actors it is the stage manager who delivers them.  Not me.

Sometimes there are critics or VIP’s that request specific seats. The stage manager sets that up.

The stage manager also checks levels and lighting cues before each performance.  

If there are any technical problems the stage manager does the trouble-shooting , and in Emyli’s case, she solves most of the problems.

All of the sound and lighting cues are built onto a computer program and during the actual show someone has to trigger all of those cues? Guess who that is? Yep.

One night she had to fill-in and usher.  

During the performance, Emyli is in the booth having to pay strict attention to every second to the play so she can execute the cues. I’m getting tired just writing all of this.

After the show she stores the props and makes sure everything is put away properly. Then she writes a detailed report on the performance – the audience size, whether they were attentive, any screw-ups with explanations why, any instructions for the forty-seven “designers.”

Emyli is always the first to arrive and last to leave. Writing the play was easy compared to what she does. So my eternal gratitude to Emyli and all the stage managers that lurk in the shadows but keep theater alive.

Writing alone

Writing alone is a lonely enterprise and having the social interaction of a partner or writing room can make the process a lot more fun and (if you have the right partner/room) expedient.

But what if you have to write alone? How do you develop the discipline to face the tyranny of the blank screen?

This is a task made even more difficult these days because we have the internet and worse, Pokeman Go. 

There’s no right answer; just various methods and tricks others have used. You have to find the one that’s right for you. But here are a few options:

Pick a specific time of day and force yourself to sit down and work at that time. Could be early morning or the middle of the day while the kids are at school. I’m a night person. I will tend to write late at night when the house is quiet and there’s nothing on TV but infomercials and GOLDEN GIRLS reruns. Many like to get up early, get their writing out of the way and be done for the day.

Pick a specific amount of time. An hour, several hours. Writer/goddess, Jane Espenson goes on half-hour or hour “writing sprints” where she clears the deck and works non-stop during those periods. 

Some people need goals. They have to write a certain number of pages or scenes before they step away. If they finish that script by Tuesday they'll treat themselves to a Thai massage at that new parlor next to the bail bonds place.

I will tend to write until I'm stuck on something. I'll then stop, even if it's in the middle of a sentence. I'll put it down for the night. Usually, if I allow my subconscious to work on it overnight I will come up with the solution in the morning. Then I can go back to work and have a head start. Others must power through until they finish a scene, regardless of how long it takes. They need that sense of closure. Can't fault 'em for that. It's just not the way I personally work.

Finding comfortable conditions is key for some writers. Are you a “must be isolated with no noise whatsoever” kind of a person? Or are you a “must be in public where there’s activity and energy all around” kind of guy?   Proust used to write in bed.  If Shakespeare were still alive I'm sure he'd be a Starbucks man. 

Does music provide some inspiration? A noted poet friend of mine has Jackie Wilson records blaring while she writes poetry. They all end up reading like “Lonely Teardrops” but still.

One method I don’t recommend but writers have been using it for centuries is getting completely shit-faced before writing.  Get your supplies at Staples, not BevMo. 

Another method that works for some (but not for me) is waiting until the last minute and then just blasting forward. They need that self-imposed pressure and prelude to their next heart attack.

Look, writing is hard. If it wasn’t then Kim Kardashian would be doing it (especially if she could do it in bed). But if you find the right way to work (for you), it can make the process far more manageable. Personally, I’m not the best person to ask. I checked my email twice while writing this post.

But how do you work and why?  If we can't all write together, we can at least tell each other how we do write.  

Come to my Theatre Party!

This Friday night, if you come to my play, arrive early for a little reception at the Hudson Theatre Cafe.  I thought this would be a great way to meet and thank some of you for supporting this blog over the last eleven (yes, eleven years).  And you get to see my play, GOING GOING GONE, which is getting boffo reviews.  Like last week, I am making a special offer for readers.  Half-price tickets.  Just go here, type in the Promo Code 008, and order tickets for Friday night.  Seating is limited.

If schmoozing with me isn't enough, here are a couple of reviews.

Ron Irwin-- LA. Examiner

Suzanne Birrell -- Discover Hollywood

Thanks much.  Hope to see you Friday night.  Now back our regularly scheduled post. 

PITCH

A lot of readers have asked what I thought of the new Fox series, PITCH – especially since I have a real familiarity with the world it lives in.

The short answer is I like it.

I have the problem that lawyers have with legal shows, doctors have with medical shows, and vampires have with post-apocalyptic shows.

There are a lot of technical baseball points they get wrong that as an insider I notice, but I doubt most viewers would. And I totally get the notion of creative license.

A few things do bother me though. When Ginny Baker arrives at the clubhouse none of the Padres players know her. But if she came up through their organization (which they said she did) then she would have played with most of these guys somewhere along the line in the minors.

The characters in general are kind of stock. Dan Luria plays the gruff but lovable rumpled manager. You’ve seen that guy in a hundred baseball movies. A lot of managers are young today and relate differently to the players. And Bob Balaban plays his usual weasel asshole. He’s such a good actor. Just once I’d like to see him in a role where I didn’t want to punch him in the face.

Kylie Bunbury is fine as Ginny Baker. I believe her way more than that movie where Reese Witherspoon was supposedly an Olympic Gold Medal softball player. And Mark-Paul Gosselaar is equally fine playing Kevin Costner in BULL DURHAM. I’m not an Ali Larter fan but never have been. To me she’s the bad version of Rhea Seeehorn.

My big question is where is the series going? After awhile Ginny either fits in and just becomes a part of the team, or she doesn’t and she’s released. After they do the stories about her breaking in, her notoriety, and adjusting to life in the majors then what?

I guess they’re kind of going for a Jackie Robinson type scenario but the stakes and hatred was off the charts for Jackie. Ginny gets to go on KIMMELL.

Still, I love the game action sequences, seeing actual big league stadiums, and I’ll always have a soft-spot for series that employ baseball announcers. Especially for the Padres (since I was once one). If I have one quibble – use the radio guys. Give Jesse Agler and Ted Leitner some love.

For now I’m on board with PITCH. And I’m sure once December and January roll around I’ll be thrilled just to watch a show about baseball. And I can’t wait for them to do the episode where Ginny takes steroids and they swap out Kylie Bunbury with Barry Bonds with a wig.

CAA

There’s a new book out called POWERHOUSE: THE UNTOLD STORY OF HOLLYWOOD’S CREATIVE ARTISTS AGENCY by James Andrew Miller.

It’s an oral history of CAA and author Miller (as opposed to Arthur Miller) managed to speak to practically everyone involved, including Michael Ovitz and Ron Meyer (the two real spearheads of the agency).  Very impressive of Mr. Miller to track all these players down.   Especially in a town where no one takes anyone's calls. 

I found the book fascinating, but I also had the advantage of living through that period and knowing a lot of the profiled young turks personally. Not sure if the average “non-pro” (the Hollywood Reporter’s description of someone not in the entertainment industry. Osama Bin Laden was a “non-pro.”) would enjoy it as much. And it is 752 pages. (I bet no CAA agent has actually read the book. They’ve scanned the coverage.)

But maybe you would like it. It’s a Shakespearean tale of blind ambition, greed, betrayal, politics, business savvy, inflated ego, and gift baskets. It’s also a look back at an industry that has changed radically since those days when one high-powered agent could control all of Hollywood. Now it’s Marvel Comics.

My partner and I were with CAA for one year. It was not a pleasant experience although we do like many of the agents who work there. What became very clear to us, and the book confirmed countless times, was that the agency always placed their needs over yours. Your career was to best serve them. So if you wanted to get more into the feature world, but they saw you as a TV showrunner who would allow them to put together a rich package deal, that is where they steered you whether it was your preference or not.

And look, the truth about ALL agencies is that if you’re hot they love you and send you gifts and treat you like LeBron James. If you’re not hot, good luck getting one of them to call you back before Haley’s Comet next returns.

My favorite CAA story is this:

Remember when you were a kid in school you would hold a book open but have a comic book inside? The teacher thought you were reading OF MICE AND MEN when you were really reading Wonder Woman? I was on vacation in 1982 at the Kahala Hilton in Hawaii. Michael Eisner, then of Disney, was there with his family. Several CAA agents were staying at the Kahala as well.

One afternoon I went to the pool and three CAA agents were reading scripts; all with the standard red covers and CAA lettered in white. But inside their scripts they were reading books. God forbid a CAA agent would be caught reading actual literature! Better the world should think he’s using his precious time to read SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 3.

So you can read 752 pages, but that one story pretty much tells you all you need to know about CAA.

How to memorize scripts part 2

Here’ the final  installment in how actors memorize scripts.  Part one was yesterday.  These come from actors you know. As you’ll see, no two methods are even remotely similar.

Actor 1:

The repetition from rehearsals is very helpful. But, of course, on "Cheers" we had lots of changes. That's why starting in the middle of the week was so constructive.

I could study during the weekend. I would mark the common consonants, like the "t"s or the "s"s or whatever. Sometimes the letters were near alphabetical, but even if they weren't the consonants gave me a landmark in my long paragraphs.

********************************

Actor 2:

When memorizing lines, I make it a rule to lay off xanax or klonopin.

Most shows aren't that good, so it's difficult to stay awake anyway. Usually, I read the whole script first so I understand the story. Then, I sit in a chair in the corner of my bedroom and literally memorize page by page, reading each line and the cues, and then by putting my hand over my lines (i.e. covering up my lines) and trying to say them. It helps me to say them out loud.

I stay with each page until I can do the whole page and then move on. In a long play, I aim at only five pages a day. For plays, I also like to know my lines as soon as possible, even before we start, even though a lot of directors don't approve of that (because, they believe, you get locked in to line readings. I disagree- particularly in a really wordy play. I think if you know the lines really well you can say them in any way that occurs to you during rehearsal.

I also like to go over my lines in my head wandering around the street - if I can do them with all the distractions of the city - then I really know them, even though you look pretty stupid to all the people passing you by .

It has to be a little faster for film and tv - although I do the same things. It helps me to imagine the blocking, even if what I imagine doesn't always turn out to be correct.

Honestly, I'm not particularly good at memorizing. I know people who are dazzlingly fast - they can read down a page and they've pretty much got it. They almost never sit in a corner somewhere and work on it... just by rehearsing and osmosis they get it. Alec Baldwin's ability to memorize fast is astounding. Somehow, they see the page in their head.

A bunch of people hire assistants to constantly grill the lines - I don't usually do that but it's really common.

**************************

Actor 3:


Hi Ken,

It is fairly easy for me to memorize lines at this point.

Normally, there is an objective to whatever I am saying in a scene (ie: I know what I want to say) so the lines are obvious to learn.

Sometimes it is harder when there is a long speech. That is harder to learn - I have to make sense of it for me then just say it over and over until I know it in my sleep.

I have little clues for memorizing too: if I have to remember a list of things in a speech I remember the first letter of each word.

The hardest lines to remember are those in another language.

**************************

Actor 4 (a soap opera star):

A great deal of it depends on certain skills that you're either born with or you're not. If you are born with the capacity to memorize, so much the better for you. However other factors do come into play. One of those is your comfort and familiarity with the character you're portraying. If it's new and you're just kinda feeling your way along, might be slightly difficult at first. However, if it's a character with which/whom you are completely familiar and at ease then you know, almost before the writer puts it on the page, what you'll say and how you'll say it. Another factor is the leeway, if any, that an actor is given with his/her lines. On a soap, for instance, with sometimes PAGES of dialogue or (heaven help us) a monologue, you (more often than not) will be given a little room to ad-lib. Get all the correct information out, give your partner their correct cue and make it sound natural and real...and you can get away with a lot.

Stage trained actors usually fare much better on the screen than the other way around with regard to memorization. There's very little ad-libbing tolerated in the theatre and so that training is invaluable when making the leap to TV or film. However, the advantage of doing live theatre is the rehearsal process, which can take weeks of doing the same scene over and over...and THAT'S where much of the memorizing is done for the stage. For the screen, big or little, if you are just not a good memorizer, the only thing you can do is go over and over and over and over...and over it with a partner or in the mirror. Sentence by sentence if you have to.

****************************
Actor 5:

Years ago I was taught a method called the "key word" method for memorizing commercial copy quickly when auditioning for commercials in NY where the copy is presented to you when you get to the audition. You only have a few minutes to look at it before you're whisked in to go on camera. The "key word" is the word that jumps out at you when you are reading a line and is different for everyone, but hopefully is the "heart" of a sentence. You circle it and memorize it. Then in theory you have a list of "key words" that bring up the complete sentence when needed.

Now, my actress wife has also influenced me and her method is one that I have used more and more the older I get. Seeing a picture in my mind of the sentence and matching an action to it at the same time.

An actor also has an action for each line. Actions being verbs. For example, in typical arguments between two romantic leads in a scene, often one character will get to a point where they "present", "list", "defend" (all active verbs) their P.O.V. with a "laundry list" of idea. In the actor's mind when you get to that place in the scene in my mind I know what is to be said is the "laundry list", and I match that to my action/verb "defend my P.O.V.", "present my reasoning", "list my reasoning", etc.

The process typically gets harder the older you get because for most of us our memory begins to go, but with these tools and techniques, hopefully we can stay adept at memorizing for more years than we should. They are good brain exercises too. All memorization ... jokes, poetry, speeches, etc. are good for our brains.

******************
Actor 6:

I'm what is called a "quick study" -- I can learn pages in a few minutes. Apparently, that has to do with what side of the brain you work on -- and that's not a choice!

I learn through images. I see a line and I see the picture of the line. For example, "I love you, you're the greatest man I've ever known, but if you don't clean up that office, I"m going to leave you!"

I see the man I love standing in a room full of paper which he is not putting in a trash can and then I see myself leaving.

The picture -- to the action -- to the line.

Sometimes, there is a word I get caught on and then I use a muscle memory technique. The brain is a muscle and if you lift 20-30 times all the other
muscles (the tongue etc.) remember. So, I repeat by rote over and over and over until the muscle remembers and then I don't have to think about that word -- it comes -- the muscle just
does it.

Finally, my acting technique, Meisner, learned in grad school -- lines are just an extension of the physical action. So when you are working out the part you are in motion moving from
set piece to prop to person etc. and it's like a dancer with choreography you just know what the action is your playing and you move in that direction and the lines come because you know where you are headed based on the intention and action of the scene.

Thanks again to all the actors who participated.  

How to memorize scripts

I'm forever amazed at how actors can memorize entire plays and TV scripts.  I've been reminded of that recently watching my cast of GOING GOING GONE memorize a 90 minute show.  (Half-price tickets are still available for Sunday.   I take any opportunity to plug it.  Just go here.)   But it prompted me to re-post a two-part series I did almost four years ago on memorization    I surveyed a number of very successful actors and actresses to learn how they memorize scripts. Their answers were all fascinating and wildly different. There were too many to squeeze into one post so tomorrow I’ll share the rest. I’m sure a few of you have methods of your own. My thanks to these actors for their generous participation. Memorization is just one of the many skills I don't have to be an actor.

Actor 1

Read the scene a few times. Try not to read it out loud a lot. Then get a pad and scribble your dialogue as quickly as possible without worrying about being able to read it back later...no punctuation. Write as fast as your brain goes. Keep doing that until the lines come fast.

Then have someone read the scene with you a few times, or do it yourself covering the dialogue with something until you get to it.

If they're good lines it'll go quickly. If they're crap lines, do the same thing but curse a lot while you're doing it.

******

Actor 2

I have a lousy memory. And it isn't - for me at least, though I expect this may be generally true - something that gets easier with time, since, with time, one's memory declines.

I HATE memorizing.

Then, there are 2 categories of memorizing: 1) Theater - must be word perfect. Them's the rules, since the script is "rented" from the owner, not purchased. 2) tv/film: depending on who the producers are, who the director is, how much clout the writer has (lots if he's a producer - as you know), one may be able to get away with a bit of paraphrasing...or "improving". More in drama than comedy, I think.

Here's how I memorize, and it's totally obsessive/compulsive.

I number all my lines. If there is more than one scene, and the scenes do not immediately follow each other, than I treat each scene separately. After numbering, I go through the scene, making sure I can do each line by memory. Then I make sure I can do each pair of lines by memory. 1&2. 3&4. 5&6, etc. Then I do 2&3, 4&5, 6&7, through to the end. Then by 3's. 1-3, 4-6, 7-9, etc. Then 2-4, 5-7, 8-10, etc. Then 3-5.... Then by 4's, 5's, 6's, until I'm doing the entire scene's lines from memory. If there are lengthy speeches, I also treat them as separate entities with this method. This is a method of my own devising, and probably a rotten way to go about it. Some people simply look at dialogue and remember it. Some people should not ever step in front of my car.

And that's how I do it. If working creatively is heaven, then my process is hell.

Oh, and one also has to memorize cues...or just wait until there's a lengthy silence and then begin speaking. Cues, sometimes, are actually more difficult, unless they actually "cue" the next speech.

Friendly cue: What time is it?
Unfriendly cue: I'm feeling kind of...mushy.

******

Actor 3

Hmmmm.... Good question. It just comes from a combo of looking it over and the repetition of saying the lines. I think I'm a visual learner because if I can visualize the type and where it was on the page, the words come. It's probably second nature at this point. It's also really great for me to have at least one night of looking at it just before bed. Then, somehow, the next day ...as if by magic....it's there. ( I go into a terrible panic when handed pages on the set!)

Overall, I would say that the more often someone practices the skill the better they become at it. I'd advise a new actor to work on various monologues regularly .....just to become easy with the skill (I'd recommend Shakespeare.)

I do have to say that good writing is easier to memorize. Bad writing can be a real struggle. CSI is a nightmare!

**************

Actor 4

The truth is that the only time I actively memorize is when the lines are awkward or poorly written. Then it is sometimes necessary to go over the words again and again until you find a way to make them 'fall trippingly off the tongue'.

When doing a play, where everything must be learned at once, I usually find that by the time I have studied my way through the script several times I have already picked most of them up. The thing that seals it is the blocking process; suddenly you just know that when you cross down stage left and pick up that glass you say "X".

The same is true when you are shooting movies and long form TV. You just do it scene by scene, and working with the other actors makes it all come alive and be much easier.

Now sitcoms - that can be a real challenge since those darn writers just keep fussing and adjusting up until the moment they are thrown off of the sound stage by the janitor after the final taping. I made the mistake of telling the Charles Brothers that I was a very quick study. It got to be a sort of game with them to give me brand new lengthy orations just as the stage manager was counting down. Certainly kept me on my toes!

Tomorrow the rest. Hope you find this topic as fascinating as I do.

Friday Questions

Week two of my play. Come see it. Half price tickets for tonight.  Use Promo code  008.  And now, for some Friday Questions.

Jahn Ghalt leads off with a question about my book.

This reminds me to encourage you to write another memoir as a follow up to

The Me Generation.. by ME

Why not make this a Friday Question:

Ken, how is your outline coming along for the next volume in your Memoir Series?

It may seem contrived, but doing one book for every decade looks like a winner for me - I'd buy several copies for me and all my sufficiently aged, worthy friends.

Thanks so much for the support. Unfortunately, the amount of time it took to write vs. the sales didn’t propel me to just jump right in and begin the next decade. Too bad, because lots of neat stuff happened in the ‘70s. Maybe if I sell a few more copies of THE ME GENERATION…BY ME I’ll feel differently, but for now I’m writing plays.

From Don R:

The basic premise of CHEERS was that Sam Malone was an alcoholic who owned a bar. To my knowledge, there was never a story that had him falling off the wagon, or getting close. Was that a deliberate decision by the producers?

Yes there was. Season one. “Endless Slumper” written by Sam Simon.

Jeff Alexander asks:

When is a "spinoff" not a "spinoff?"

When "Cheers" ended and Dr. Frasier Crane started the 1993-94 season with his own, enormously popular "Frasier" series, that certainly was a spinoff.

But is it a "spinoff" when a series introduces one character as a guest shot and then. lo and behold, next year, that character has his/her own series? I'm going all the way back to "All In The Family"/"Maude" for this one -- Bea Arthur was on AITF twice, first visiting the Bunkers, then in the second spot at her own home in Tuckahoe with husband Walter (Bill Macy) and daughter Carol (played there by Marcia Rodd).

My point is that seemed more like a pilot for the series than a spinoff.

I've read that "Maude" was considered a "spinoff" but disagree. Still, I may be splitting hairs with a meat cleaver, but I'd like to read your thoughts on that, Mr. Levine.

Technically, if a series is launched from another series, even if it’s a one-shot appearance, it’s considered a spin-off. Mork was introduced on HAPPY DAYS. THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW was technically spun off from THE DANNY THOMAS SHOW. In one episode Danny winds up in Mayberry and encounters Andy Taylor.

Obviously though, that’s not the spirit of the term spin-off. Rhoda and Phyllis were integral characters of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW before they were given their own series. The Jeffersons lived next door to Archie and George, Lionel and Weezy made appearances at the Bunker home. Maude was Archie’s relative. And when MAUDE was spun off, her maid, Florida then got spun off on her own (GOOD TIMES).

You see fewer spinoffs from sitcoms these days because quite frankly, there are so few that are big enough hits to warrant it.

Speaking of spinoffs (gulp), Ray has an AfterMASH question regarding credits and Larry Gelbart.

I watched the AfterMASH clip. I remember watching it was on after the original's run, and remember wanting it to succeed just because I'd come of age with so many of the characters. It did raise a Friday-questionish question in my mind, though:

The clip shows Larry Gelbart getting a "developed by" credit. Although I probably didn't pay attention as the years were unfolding, I later interacted with "elsig" on MASH newsgroups and learned that he had little to do with the original series after the first few seasons. So was this development credit for AfterMASH a homage, a negotiated term, or did he have actual input into the production of the sequel?

First of all, Larry had a big involvement in season one. He conceived the series, wrote the one-hour pilot, spent two or three days a week with us, directed some episodes, and helped us break stories and rewrite scripts.

As for the “Developed By” credit: There is a WGA credits manual that specifies the difference between actually “creating” a series and “developing” one. Certain conditions have to already exist in Writer A’s script so that when it is significantly changed by Writer B, Writer A gets Created By credit and Writer B gets Developed By credit.

As for the MASH/AfterMASH situation, I am purely speculating, but Larry Gelbart on MASH got a “Developed for Television” credit (which is somewhat unusual). But of course the characters were already established in the original movie (and the novel that led to the film for that matter).

So for AfterMASH, since some of the same characters were used from MASH, I suppose Larry was only entitled to a “Developed By” credit. However, you’ll notice there is no “Created By” credit in either series. So I’m guessing that’s why. But I can assure you Larry and Larry alone created and wrote every word of the AfterMASH pilot, regardless of his credit.

What’s your Friday Question? And thanks in advance for any of you who do come out and see my play. I’ll be there all weekend, so please say hi.

Another great review...

... for my new play GOING GOING GONE.  You can read it here.   Ten half-price tickets still remain for tomorrow night and are few are left for Sunday.  Saturday night is sold out.  So grab 'em while you can.  Just go here and type in Promo Code 008.  

Now back to today's regularly scheduled blog rant. 

This guy is a fucking idiot!

And surprise – I'm not referring to a political candidate!

It’s Mike Lazzo, the executive vice president and creative director of Adult Swim.

He was accused recently of purposely not hiring women creators or showrunners because (are you ready?): “When you put women in the writers room, you get conflict, not comedy.”

What an asinine, idiotic, short-sided, WRONG thing to say. Seriously, how does this moron have this job?

It’s such a staggeringly ignorant statement that it almost doesn’t seem worthy of argument.

Let me just say this: Female writers are every bit as good and funny as male writers and in many cases better.  Period.  Unlike this buffoon, I’ve been in writing rooms with women writers. I've hired women writers.  I've relied on women writers.  My statement is a fact.

According to a Buzzfeed report, Adult Swim employs the lowest number of female writers of any network. 1 in 34 are women. And according to Buzzfeed based on information passed on by employees, it is Lazzo who is responsible.

On Monday he tried to clear it up. Here’s what he said: “Women don’t tend to like conflict, comedy often comes from conflict, so that’s probably why we (or others) have so few female projects.”

Okay, so compare that to his earlier statement where he said the problem was women give you conflict, not comedy. Now he’s saying the problem is women don’t give you conflict.

It's just mind boggling.

And he’s proud of his assertion and his policy.   Even if it's just lip service, you think he would apologize and promise to hire more women.   But no, not even that. 

There’s been a big push to increase diversity in all ranks of television, which is far overdue. But when you see how few women writers are being hired – in general, not just on Adult Swim – make sure you include them in the diversity category.

And you can see why it’s so difficult for them – backward-thinking executives like Mike Lazzo are in positions of power.

Oh, and by the way, it’s also why television is not nearly as good as it could be.

Special offer to see my new play!

I want as many of you who live in Southern California to see my new play, GOING GOING GONE.   It's getting great reviews (like this one).   So this week I am offering tickets at half-price to you loyal readers.  Some good seats remain for this weekend -- Friday & Saturday night and Sunday matinee.   Comedies are always more fun when there's a packed house.   So join us!

You just go here.

And type in promo code: oo8.

You can then buy tix for half price.  

It's a very funny play with a great cast.  And I'll be there if you want to say hello or ask me about the Infield Fly Rule. 

My all-time favorite GONG SHOW act

You know television -- one show becomes even a modest hit and every network scrambles to put on seven just like it.   This summer ABC ran a series of rebooted vintage game shows.  ($25,000 PYRAMID, MATCH GAME, etc.) and I guess the numbers were decent (i.e. anyone was watching) so now they're going back and seeing what other retro game shows they can raise from the dead.

First up:  THE GONG SHOW. 

For those who don't remember the original from the '70s and '80s, it was essentially AMERICA'S GOT TALENT but with idiots.  Most of the performers were awful and got "gonged" off the stage.  I don't think you were allowed to join the improv group, the Groundlings unless you had been on that show six times.  Most of the non-traditional talents were goofs (or at least I'd like to think so).   It's the kind of thing that's funny for like three episodes then YOU give them a gong.  

Show creator/CIA operative Chuck Barris produced and hosted.  At the time he was considered a clown.  Today he'd be the Republican candidate for president.   There was even a movie about him that George Clooney directed called CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND.  

Personal note:  He's also the guy who threw me off THE DATING GAME. 

But with the prospect of this show reappearing (ABC bought it with Will Arnett directing) I thought I would share my all-time favorite GONG SHOW act.   This aired in September 1977 but only on the east coast.  You'll see why.   They won't let me embed it so you'll have to click here and go to the link.  It's worth it.

Stay for the whole thing because panelist Jaye P. Morgan has the line of lines. 

I can't imagine how the new version could possibly be an improvement over this.

Ve are making MOVIE MAGIC here!

I recently showed an episode of ALMOST PERFECT that centered around the production of an hour cop show. My friend, Lee Goldberg good-naturally pointed out some inaccuracies. I reminded him of how on terrific shows like THE GOOD WIFE, cases go to trial in one day, and thus began a fun exchange of the creative license that shows and movies take.

In the past, I wrote about the things we did in CHEERS that required a suspension of belief (in some cases, a MAJOR suspension of belief). You can find that here.

Creative license is part of storytelling. The one day I was on the set of a Billy Wilder movie (BUDDY BUDDY), Mr. Wilder wanted a wall heater to turn on and instantly glow. One of the technicians told him it took thirty seconds for the filaments to get hot. Mr. Wilder then replied in his distinctive accent: “Young man, ve are making movie magic here! Did you ever notice there is always a parking space right out front and couples always get the best window table? Movie magic!” The wall heater glowed instantly upon turning it on.

The problem arises when the arena is something you yourself are very close to. Lawyers cringe watching legal shows. Doctors have big trouble accepting the shenanigans that go on in medical dramas. So the inaccuracies really stick out whereas the average viewer just goes with it. A doctor friend of mine said he was always able to diagnose the mystery ailment in HOUSE by the first act break. (My problem with HOUSE was the patient rooms all being glass cubicles. You really want to use your bedpan with strangers walking by.)

On MASH, we had a medical consultant, a nurse on set, and a military advisor and we still took some liberties (like them being there for eleven years when the Korean War was just over three).

As a former radio disc jockey, I had lots of technical issues with WKRP IN CINCINNATI but was able to get past them all because Jan Smithers was in the show.

But my favorite example is going to see the baseball movie, BULL DURHAM with a professional ballplayer. I was broadcasting for Syracuse at the time of the movie’s release and went to see it with a few players to kill some time on the road. I loved the movie (still do). But as we walked out one of the players said, “What a piece of shit!” He had even thought of walking out. “What was your problem with it?” I asked. “There was that scene where the count was 2-1 and the catcher called for a slider. That would NEVER happen.” Amazingly, that glaring inaccuracy did not bother the rest of America. (Of course this is the same player who hated WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT because he thought Toontown wasn’t realistic enough.)

We all walk a fine line. There’s an old expression “Never let facts get in the way of a good story,” but there’s also the obligation to be as accurate and realistic as you can. Still, aren’t movies long enough without having to watch Julia Roberts drive around for ten minutes looking for a parking space and then walking two blocks to the restaurant? Imagine 24 if things really took place in real time. “Tonight Jack Bauer drives from CTU to Van Nuys and gets as far as Coldwater Canyon.”

VE ARE MAKING MOVIE MAGIC HERE.

Thanks!

Opening night of my play GOING GOING GONE came off without a hitch.  No chandeliers fell on the audience.  No one was injured doing flying stunts.   No one forgot the lyrics to any song (forget that it wasn't a musical).   Somehow everything came together.  To the entire creative team, my sincere thanks for a boffo show and I look forward to five more weekends with you all.

Sunday was emotional because it was Vin Scully's final broadcast after 67 years.  My play, set in a pressbox, is dedicated to Vin.   The above photo is of me, my amazing cast (Troy Metcalf, Dennis Pearson, David Babich, and Annie Abrams), and the man of the hour.

"Hope you'll make your plans to come on out and see us," as Vinny would say.   Performances Friday and Saturday nights at 8:00 and Sundays 3:00.   We close November 6th. 

You can go to Goldstar or Plays411 for tickets and information.   It's a small theatre and seating is limited so drop everything you're doing and get your seats now.   Thanks much.  We now return you to today's regularly scheduled post.  Just scroll down or click here. 

The one question I'm asked more than any other

I’ve answered it a couple of times but it always bears repeating, especially since it’s a question on any young hopeful writer’s mind.

Jerod Butt is the latest to ask:

How does someone begin to figure out whether or not he wants to get into sitcom writing, and what to do about that if he lives in the middle of Nowhere, Midwest; has a crappy, break-even job; has a sizeable amount of college debt; and needs to see either Dr. Hartley or Dr. Crane about the direction of his life but cannot because of expensive insurance?

You could always call Dr. Crane on the radio.  

But seriously, I’ll give you the good news first and then all the hurdles. It doesn’t cost anything to see if you want to become a sitcom writer. You want to be a director? Get out your checkbook. Even short films on iPhones require some moolah. Want to be an actor? Either someone has to hire you or you have to help finance a production.

But writing only requires your time and a computer. And if you’re reading this post I assume you already have a computer.

Bonus good news: If ultimately what you write sucks you don’t have to show it to anybody. If I’m helping finance your short film, Mr. Spielberg-wannabe, I want to see the finished product. Bad scripts can hide at the bottom of drawers or disappear with one key stroke. And since our first efforts doing anything tend to be bad, you can improve in relative obscurity. Learning to do baseball play-by-play I was not afforded that luxury. I’d be calling games into a tape recorder at Dodger Stadium while drunks would taunt me and offer unsolicited critiques.

So if you’re unsure as to whether sitcom writing is for you, take a shot. What have you got to lose? Probably the best first step, after maybe reading a how-to book or two (and going through my archives) is to write a spec script of an existing show. What’s your favorite sitcom? Which show best jibes with your comic sensibilities? Study that show. Watch multiple episodes. Figure out how they tell their stories. And then write one.

It will more than likely be terrible. But did you love writing it? Are there elements in it that are good – maybe some great jokes, or fun ideas? I guess the big question is whether you enjoyed the process and were encouraged enough to write another?

If so, keep going. Every script will be better than the previous one. Delve deeper into comedy writing. Is there a college course you could take? Helpful videos on line?

And this brings me to your next concern? Can you break in to sitcom writing if you live outside of LA? Yes. But it’s much harder. MUCH harder. You may write a great script, enter it in a contest, win, and get the attention of agents or executives. But it sure helps if you’re out here. For one thing, you can network. You can make connections.

There are writing seminars and industry people appear at WGA Foundation programs or college programs. You can meet showrunners and craft services people.

You can also put together a support group of other hopefuls. There are plenty of other young scribes just like you. When you’re in Wisconsin and have the burning desire to be a sitcom writer you’re somewhat isolated. You can’t throw a dead cat in a Studio City Starbuck without hitting five of them.

But now comes the hard part. Should you take that leap and move to LA? All of a sudden the pursuit is no longer free. And there are no promises of success.

This is the point where you really have to look into your soul. How badly do you want this? How feasible is it realistically (especially if you have college loans or worse, owe Mastercard)? Only you can answer that question. You can get feedback on your scripts. Do people think they’re awesome? But at the end of the day, you have to decide whether it’s worth it to take the big plunge. You will struggle. At times it will be very discouraging. It's not cheap out here.  But at least the weather is nice.

So that’s the good and bad. Practically every writer whose name you see on sitcoms faced the same dilemma. They wrote their specs, impressed someone, and eventually broke in. Many had to relocate to Los Angeles. It can be done. It has been done. Will you be next?

Hope that helps.   And whatever you decide, best of luck.  

The pilot you will never see

If you do, I'll have to kill you.

This is one of those posts where I will ask you to kindly indulge me. There’s no great point. No major lesson. This is just a chance for me to vent and get something off my chest. When you read why you will surely understand. Thank you for humoring me today.

Okay. Here we go…

I owned one of the first home VCR’s. Bought it in the mid ‘70s. It played 3/4 inch tapes in cartridges that were the size of today’s Mini Coopers. The machine weighed a thousand pounds. You needed two people to lift one. It cost $1500 in 1976. I bought it to tape shows David Isaacs and I wrote. The salesman was showing me all the nifty features. It had a pause button. I could freeze-frame. There was also a slow-motion feature that allowed me to advance the tape frame by frame. Now, I thought this was fine for me. I could freeze-frame my credit, but why on earth would anyone else want these features? The salesman said, “Schmuck, why do you think people buy these damn machines? To watch porno!” The slow-mo suddenly made perfect sense.

A few years later VHS became the standard. The tape was 1/2 inch, would record up to six hours of content, and the cartridge size went from Mini Cooper to Mini Mac. I bought one of those and my 3/4 inch machine became obsolete. I eventually gave it away. Let the Council of Jewish Women figure out what to do with the freakin’ thing.

But I kept the 3/4 inch tapes I had recorded. And of course I haven’t played any of them for years. God knows how much they've deteriorated over time? At best the color would be smeared and washed out. At worst I’d be looking at dust. Recently, during a spring-cleaning project I discovered a box of these clunky relics. Most were MASH episodes. I now had DVD copies that were far superior in quality to those musty cartridges and took up a fraction of the space so I got rid of them.

But there was one tape I kept – the first pilot David and I were ever associated with. We wrote it for NBC through Universal for the 1976/77 season and it didn’t go. Back then networks aired their unsold pilots in the summer. We used to call this programming FAILURE THEATER. On July 20, 1977 our pilot aired on NBC.

A little backstory: During our early freelance period we met a certain producer who took a liking to us. He had a development deal at Universal. He said if we ever had a pilot idea to bring it to him. We were newbies at the time and couldn’t get in to pitch networks ourselves, but if we were under the umbrella of this veteran writer/producer the networks would hear our spiel.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE had recently premiered and was a huge hit with the younger generation. Our idea was to do a cross between SNL and THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW – a local late night comedy sketch show in San Francisco where the cast also wrote the material. The sensibility of the humor would be very edgy (like SNL).   We were 30 ROCK and STUDIO 60 only 30+ years earlier.

This producer liked it. We took it to NBC and we sold it in five minutes. We came back with an outline that they approved, and a first draft that they loved. Minor notes, a second draft, and based on that script NBC greenlit the pilot. Gee, this pilot stuff was easy! 

At that point we were cut out of the process completely. A producer was brought on board, Bo Kaprall, and he did a page one rewrite, keeping only our premise, basic story structure, and characters. Let’s just say we weren’t thrilled with the results. The casting was terrible. Not that the actors themselves were bad; they were just miscast. (One of the actors we later hired for MASH.)  We had a character who was supposed to be an old Jewish Catskills writer. They hired Pat McCormick. You get the idea.

We were invited to the taping (how nice of them). And I just remember being horribly disappointed with the final result. But that was then. Would time be kind to our first official television pilot?

I have a good friend, Stu Shostak who has the facilities to digitize old tapes. (If you have stuff you want digitized this is your man.) So last week I brought him probably the only remaining copy of THE BAY CITY AMUSEMENT COMPANY and as he made a digital copy I got to screen it again for the first time in 35 years.

OHMYFUCKINGGOD!!!

This was easily the single worst piece of shit I have ever seen. Watching this travesty was like having your wisdom teeth removed without Novocain. And our names were on it. And not just that. Kaprall tried to get shared writing credit and we fought him and won in arbitration. We went to great effort to get our names on this stinkburger. (Why? Because creator credit means royalties for every episode and we didn’t want to surrender any of that, especially to someone who had made the show worse).

The direction was atrocious. Everyone was playing so big and burlesque you wanted to crawl under a chair. Mugging, double and triple takes for every clam joke.  Imagine Jerry Lewis at his most insane wacky zany nutty maniacal  – he was Ben Stein compared to how these actors were asked to perform.   The also wore gorilla suits, loud jackets, cowboy outfits, and were pulled around by their neckties.  I guarantee they tested worse than the Manson Family.

And our names were on it. And back in those days there were only three networks so even if the show finished last in the ratings, more people saw it than last week’s AMERICAN IDOL.

I will give you two examples of actual jokes used in this pilot. Our idea was to have the level of humor edgy and hip like the original SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE remember? Instead, these were the types of gags that made it to air.

The owner of the station was a Gene Autry type. When he tells the writer/performers that he has a problem one says to him (and this is verbatim): “Did your horse make doo doo in the house again?”

Our names are on this!

Later at one of the character’s apartment everyone barges in around dinner time. One asks: “Is that a roast?” And another answers: “No, it’s a chicken in blackface.”

Kaprall WANTED his name on this?! Holy shit!

You will never see this pilot. No one will ever see this pilot. I will never see this pilot again. And I will never say another bad thing about 2 BROKE GIRLS ever again.

It's Opening Night!

Well, this is it. Opening night. It’s the day my emotions always swing back and forth between “this is what it’s all about!” and “why the fuck did I do this?”

But mostly (this time) I’m very excited. I loved writing this play. It’s usually a good sign when I don’t get to page five and realize there’s no play here. Or I get to page seventy and realize I’ve accidentally written CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF.

I’ve surrounded myself with a great cast, director, and crew. On the one hand, that makes me feel very secure. On the other, it means that if the play fizzles it’s all my fault. If jokes don’t get laughs I can't blame Lester Holt.

We’ve been rehearsing for a month. When rehearsals begin you think a month is an eternity. Then you blink and people are filing in.  But the actors are ready and the air conditioning works. 

So what’s left is just the normal first night jitters. If anyone in a theater production doesn’t have them there’s something wrong. That’s what makes live theatre so great. I’m going to keep telling myself that all day.

Tickets are available for all remaining performances. A few half price tickets are still available for tomorrow.  Come see if I’m really funny. Now through November 6th at the Hudson Guild Theatre in glamorous Hollywood (as OFF Broadway as you can get without being in the ocean). 

Good luck tonight to everyone involved. Love you all.