Sunday, August 20, 2006

Fall Movie Preview Part One

Time for my annual (well, first annual) Fall Movie Preview. After the mindless summer fare it’s good to have some intelligent movies to look forward to.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH – two morons try to be Costco employee of the month to seduce a hot girl into bed. Before you say no girl is that stupid, just know they’ve cast Jessica Simpson.

IDIOCRACY – Mike Judge’s OFFICE SPACE follow-up. America has dumbed down to where the smartest person in the country is an idiot. Shot in current times.

JACKASS NUMBER TWO – So many unanswered questions in JACKASS NUMBER ONE.

ARTE LANGE’S BEER LEAGUE – The perfect date movie.

FAST FOOD NATION – For those sophisticated moviegoers who couldn’t get enough of CLERKS 2.

HISTORY BOYS – Tony award winning Alan Bennett play. Original cast and superb writing. Will probably get slaughtered by ARTE LANGE’S BEER LEAGUE.

LUCKY YOU – Poker movie starring Eric Bana who did his own stunts.

THE GUARDIAN – Coast Guard Reserve swimmers. And you couldn’t sell your ‘lifeguards at Grossingers’ spec.

MARIE ANTOINETTE – Sofia Coppola’s costume epic. The wigs alone cost more than LOST IN TRANSLATION. Stars Kirsten Dunst as the ultimate East Hamptons role model. Her last words were “Let them eat cake!” They should have been, “Spiderman! Help!!”

SAW III – Jigsaw goes after totem poles.

ALL THE KING’S MEN – Sean Penn movie. Expect angst, crying, meltdowns. Still hasn’t recovered from marriage to Madonna.

MAN OF THE YEAR – (not to be confused with EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH) Comedy starring Robin Williams (yawn). Also Lewis Black. I’m there opening day.

SHORTBUS – Actors engage in real sex. I’ll skip MAN OF THE YEAR to see this first.

SANTA CLAUSE 3: This time he fights Rocky Balboa.

OPEN SEASON – cartoon, celebrity voices. Next?

EVERYONE’S HERO – cartoon, celebrity voices. Next? Wait. It’s about baseball? See it.

BREAKING AND ENTERING – Can Jude Law kill another movie?

THE HOLIDAY – Can Jude Law kill another movie?

FLAGS OF OUR FATHER – Clint Eastwood’s Iwo Jima film. He didn’t want to hire any actors over 26. Was then talked out of playing one of the roles himself.

Part Two tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

Ken, after the fall roundup your companion piece could be reviews of baseball movies.

Anonymous said...

I'm highly anticipating Jackass Part Deux. These boys really suffer for their art. I heard they actually do all their own stunts.

I guess no respectable Hollywood stuntman would Crazy Glue his own beanbag to his leg.

Actors are such a fickle breed.

No intelligent beings were hurt during the making of this movie.

Mary Stella said...

THE GUARDIAN – Coast Guard Reserve swimmers. And you couldn’t sell your ‘lifeguards at Grossingers’ spec.

Isn't Kevin Costner in this movie? Hasn't he learned that he doesn't do well with water-based movies? His character was too stupid to live in Message in a Bottle and we all know how badly Waterworld tanked.

Third time's a charm?