Wednesday, April 23, 2008

KOMEDY KONTEST Semi-finalists

Again, congratulations to Doug McEwan, winner of the Komedy Kontest. Also congratulations to Steve Zeoli, cfang19, jbryant,and the always familiar z5CBuE8Z3PMf0Cc6FPnMApMnke0 for making the finals.

These are the other entries the judge liked and considered very seriously. Getting it down to five was a bitch. I’m sure I’m going to receive a few comments saying “this one” or “that one” was better than any of the five finalists but remember, this is all subjective. It’s the opinion of one person (granted, a highly regarded professional but still, just one person).
I post these to show that there were a lot of great entries. And again, my thanks to all who contributed.


Danny had such a fear of commitment that he….

…revealed on the third date his plans for a Star Wars/Start Trek/He-Man themed wedding (ladies choice)

… just had his 13th sex change operation.

…abandoned every blog comment before fini...

...began his prayers with "To whom it may concern..."

... had "Whatsername" tattooed on his bicep.

... changed his name to Undecided Voter and moved to a purple state.

… signed his love letters “anonymous”.

...only dated Alzheimer's patients.

...booked his honeymoon flight on American Airlines.

... would only watch new TV Series starring Jason Alexander.

…refused to take his parents' name.

…only dated fictional characters.

…was never married to the mob, they just kinda hung out together.

...was murdered by customers behind him at Baskin-Robbins.

…only dated women on death row.

…refuses to read "Us" Magazine.

...only eats waffles.

...spends every Tuesday night dialing 1-877-IDOLS-ALL.

…named his cat "we'll see how it goes"

... would say, "I'm seeing someone else" if he was stranded with a blond on a desert island.

…only yells “NO DEAL” at the T.V.

…never took the wheels off of his trailer house.

…could crash weddings to cure his hiccups.

...said "Runaway Bride" was his favorite movie.

...made his outgoing answering machine recording a break-up message.

…dated only the skinniest pale women in the crackhouse.

...stopped eating cereal because every box claimed "some settling may occur".

…keeps introducing Marcy as his first wife.

…was recently featured on the program "Switzerland's Most Wanted."

…broke up with his speed dates before the 8-minute buzzer.

... got married but still lives with his parents.


Professional comedy writer Lenny Ripps was given this same assignment. Here's his response. (Lenny was not the judge, by the way).

Danny had such a fear of commitment that his bathroom towels were labeled "His" and "Whores".


Anonymous said...

I liked the "his" and "whores" one better than all of them. :P

Anonymous said...

way to kick a dog when she's down, man....
really. i'll be ok. i mean, i ate an entire pan of brownies(home-made and piping hot, by the way) after the finalists were announced.
what? ever heard of comfort food.
but now, what to do. i got a figure to keep. i'm a sleigh ride away from menopause and to be cold-cocked outta nowhere with yet another list(of the ohter/semifinalists) that seems to include everyone but wanna know what i'm gonna do right now? i'm gonna go wake up my beloved and make wild passionate love to him and right before i have an orgasm, i'm going to yell, no wait, i'm going to scream out my own name instead of his. then i'm gonna bake another pan of brownies and lick the spatula and the bowl!!!
call me devastated. i want another contest, ken!!!
BRING IT ON!!!! (from the author of MY SUNNY DISCLAIMER and many other brilliantly misguided missives)

Anonymous said...

yep. me too. no wonder he's a pro.

Anonymous said...

my above comment was in reference to Carlo Conda's comment.

Anonymous said...

Ken...remind me when your last hit comedy was.

Bitter Animator said...

Yep, another vote for the 'his' and 'whores'. That's excellent.

I've got an awful case of sour grapes seeing that shortlist though. Not that I'm a bad loser. No sir, not me.

Anonymous said...

That was a list of nearly all the other entries that provoked laughs from me. Frankly, I'm very glad some of those weren't among the five finalists, as I doubt I'd have prevailed against a few of those, and I'm REALLY glad "His and Whores" wasn't eligible.

But two that I laughed at that were not on this list (and NOT written by me) were

"...changed his last name to Jeffs." (maybe you need to be descended from Mormon polygamists, as I am, to really love that one.)

"...had a blow-up dog."

As Tallulah always says, awards and prizes are meaningless ... unless you win one.

Anonymous said...

"Anonymous," you symbol of class,

remind me when your last attack of cowardice was.

Oh right, it was at 4/24/2008 12:13 AM

Anonymous said...

Doug you're SO witty.

Anonymous said...

Cat fight!! Cat fight!!

Um, I guess that means nobody here is interested in my brownies or my sex?

Bitter Animator said...

Well I'll take the brownies if you're offering. As for the sex, well, okay maybe but I don't know your beloved so I'd hope he'd go gentle on me.

Anonymous said...

Um...As I pointed out in the winner announcement thread, I wasn't actually one of the five finalists. "spike" should be in my place. Glad to see I got one in the semi-finals though.

You know, I read all the contest entries, and I have to admit I didn't even understand at least 50% of them. I scratched my head so much, it left a permanent bald spot. If any more proof were needed that comedy is hard, this contest provided it.

By Ken Levine said...

Wow. If my kontest results in even ONE person having sex I will have done my job.

JSWN, your beloved owes me a drink.

Anonymous said...

Hey wait a sec -- z5CBuE8Z3PMf0Cc6FPnMApMnke0? Of the Philadelphia z5CBuE8Z3PMf0Cc6FPnMApMnke0s? I think I knew your brother.

Just kidding. But this is no joke - z5CBuE8Z3PMf0Cc6FPnMApMnke0 just happens to be the birth name of one "Larry Gelbart." I think we've got a ringer, kids.

Anonymous said...

The joke form the pro you mentioned is funny, which is to be expected because he made this little short on youtube:

Anonymous said...

Sure "his and whores" is was funny years ago too when I first heard it.
Old joke.

stålar said...

The Jason Alexander, the crackhouse and the one about the mob made me laugh. The pro joke was funny too obviously, but I still consider B a worthy winner.

Anonymous said...

Hate to admit it, but anonymous is right: "His and Whores" is the punchline to a 'sleazy hotel' joke. If you do an advanced Google search of that exact phrase, you'll find it.

It appears that Lenny Ripps has committed the comedic equivalent of dodging Bosnian sniper fire. ;-)

Tom Quigley said...

Speaking of having sex, I'm still waiting for someone to give me the name and phone number of the blonde holding the sign -- or a reasonable facsimile of her holding anything (And Gail: yes, your version of the line was funnier than mine)...

Anonymous said...

Lenny may have repurposed the punchline "His and Whores," but he put it in a different context. The different set-up makes it a different joke.

Richard Cooper said...

Wow, two of mine made the semi-finals, Baskin-Robbins and the crackhouse.

Hmmm... there's another joke in there, somewhere.

Failed Minimalist said...

"kept introducting Mary as his first wife."

That's the winner by a stretch. Classic. That's the one that would play best on film.

Great job, all

Anonymous said...

"Some settling may occur" beats 'em all in my book.

Though I invariably wind up behind the guy in the Baskin-Robbins joke.

Anonymous said...

>>JSWN said...
Cat fight!! Cat fight!!

Um, I guess that means nobody here is interested in my brownies or my sex?<<

I didn't realize you were offering. Can we have the brownies first?

Anonymous said...

I worked with a news broadcaster 20 years ago who introduced her husband as her FIRST husband.

dating Alzheimers patients
cereal may settle both made me laugh out loud... I'm easy

Anonymous said...

eh...we're going to have to respectfully agree to disagree on that one, jbryant. The line's funny, but I prefer a fresh take to somebody pulling a chestnut out of a bag. I feel the same way when somebody raps over a classic riff and calls it a new song. But, that's just me...

Anonymous said...

sharon - Thanks (the Alzheimer's joke was one of mine)

cpo snarky - I wasn't defending Lenny's joke so much as making an observation. "anonymous" said it was an old joke, when actually it's a new joke with a 'repurposed' punchline. (Love your user name, by the way. Recently saw the Don Rickles documentary, which had footage of Johnny Carson's visit to the "CPO Sharkey" set to rag on Don for breaking his cigarette box.)

Anonymous said...

That was a great documentary, wasn't it? I had to miss out on last week's conversation with Rickles at the Television Academy. He's really one of the last of a breed.

Anonymous said...

jbryant--there is no "re purposing" in the comedy world--it is known as stealing--I am not a pro and I hope Ken jumps in with some words of wisdom. Then again Len was born in 1949 and for all I know, he wrote the original joke. to comment?

Anonymous said...

Kitten fight!! Kitten fight!!

Ken, my beloved owes you a double.

By Ken Levine said...

I wonder how many babies will be born because of this blog.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous - no repurposing or stealing in the comedy world? That's pretty funny.

Anonymous said...

scratch that - I see what you're saying - repurposing IS stealing.

But a lot of writing, comedy or otherwise, involves creative "theft." It's all in the execution.

Anonymous said...

The cat's mane was "we'll see how it goes."


Anonymous said...


I have to lay off the barbiturates while blogging at 2 in the....zzzzz....

Anonymous said...

The first time I met my now-husband, I told him I'd just been to Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas (oh, how I miss that place!), that I'd found out they did weddings there, at that someday, that's where *I'd* get married. It's part of what made him fall for me: "Wow, this weird broad loves Trek more than *I* do!". And a few years later, he granted me my wish, by throwing me the Nerd Wedding of My Dreams, on the bridge of the Enterprise-D, and an hilarious reception after in Quark's Bar.

You just gotta use that line on the right nerd. I thought the other ones were pretty funny, though. :)

Cheers, thanks a lot,