Monday, June 30, 2008

Gee, what's Amy Winehouse up to today?

Did she spit on a fan today?

Was she hospitalized?

She hasn’t been arrested in a week, so perhaps that was on her to-do list.

Anyone new suing her?

Is she suing anyone new?

How long has it been since her last complete breakdown?

Did she destroy any hotel rooms in a drunken rage?

Does she or doesn’t she have Emphysema?

Does she or doesn’t she have an irregular heartbeat?

Has she been stung by one of the bees that obviously live in her hair?

Any new sex tapes discovered? And if so, is it worth watching?

Has she been voted the worst dresser of Cher?

Has she been called a racist again?

Has her health insurance provider dropped her?

Will her crack den be featured in ARCHITECHURAL DIGEST?

Is she in or out of rehab? And if so, which one?

Has she caused a ruckus in rehab when the attendants wouldn't let her watch the World Series?

Did she win six more Grammys?

Did she sell them for heroin? Or cartons of Virginia Slims?

Has her father had her committed?

Has any fan mistaken her for Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?

Has she been denied a visa?

Has she been denied a Costco membership?

Did she have a nice visit with her husband in prison?

Any new eating disorders we don’t know about?

Has she discovered there’s no such thing as “Recreational Ketamine”?

Did she get her tooth replaced?

Have plans been scrapped to serve as spokesperson for the American Lung Association?

Has she been deported from Norway for possessing cannabis and trying to tip the doorman with it?

Was her latest tattoo (the Teletubbies and Hitler) drawn with an infected needle?

I like Amy Winehouse. I love her music. It's distinctive, original, and no one will ever cover it on American Idol. But I worry that her self destructive behavior will finally catch up with her, that her record label will drop her, her concert tours evaporate, her fortune goes up in smoke or her nose, she's in total despair and finally one day I get that inevitable call. The one l I dread.

“Did you hear about Amy Winehouse?”

“Oh no. Don’t tell me. Did she…?”

“Yep. 5:00 this morning.”

“Oh Jesus, that’s so terrible.”

“Yeah. She signed with CAA and is meeting with writers about doing a sitcom. Are you free for lunch on Thursday?”


Anonymous said...

I think it's Ketamine, not Katamine. You just don't know your animal tranquilizers that are boiled into a solid form and then inhaled through the nose as a dissociative narcotic do you Ken?

Or so I hear anyways...

By Ken Levine said...

Thanks Simon. You're right. If I can't buy it at Target I don't know from it.

Anonymous said...

That little girl has lived more life (or a facsimile of same) than I have in all my hundred or so years. She's got nothing to look forward to . . .

Well, the sitcom thing, maybe.

Tallulah Morehead said...

You don't watch The Soup? Because it keeps me as informed on Amy as I need to be.

With a name like Wine-House, she HAS to be drunk. I was thinking of changing my last name to hers.

At least she isn't Whinehouse. then she'd really be annoying.

It takes a lot of work to get emphysema before you’re 30 (Hell, before you're 60!), but she tries harder. She's an achiever.

Jason said...

An intemperate musician? I'm shocked, shocked!

Janis, Billie, Elis...

Anonymous said...

The only thing that could be more terrifying than her hairstlye, her singing and the inevitable sex tape is that some fucker gives her a sitcom - it was bad enough when Ozzy Osbourne got his and the network decided to cast his actual family members.

Anonymous said...

Health insurance provider dropping her? Dear boy, here in socialist Europe we don't require such things ... we're not completely hopeless, like say ... well, you know.

I love Amy. But she's losing it. She can't sing like she used to. The drugs are taking effect and she slurs through all her performances now.

And Ken, if you love Amy take a chance on Duffy. The album is fantastic. She got her break thanks to Amy, but she'd been working on it for three years. It's well worth a listen.

Mary Stella said...

I live in the Keys and we aren't exactly the mecca of current events, new trends, breakout artists, etc., but I'm still surprised that I never heard of Amy Winehouse for her brilliant singing -- until she started hitting rehabs, hospital rooms, bouncers at clubs, and various other sterling behavior.

What does that say about her press people?

rob! said...

Ken, if you get that call, you just have to say "No, no, no..."


The Milner Coupe said...

This trainwreck has been a terrific pop sensation, but brilliant? I don't think so. Sharon Jones is the real thing. AW even used her band.

I don't love Amy Winehouse. I find it hard to forgive someone with such obvious talent that squanders it with such adolescent behavior. I didn't even know they had trailers in England. And they're gonna have to come up with more words for hideous to describe her photos.

Anonymous said...

Amy Winehouse punched a fan? She is like a music legend. Sinatra.

At least in a fight, no one could mess her face up.

growingupartists said...

Hey, she didn't invent the rebel without a cause.

Annie said...

Ken, if you get that call, you just have to say "No, no, no..."
Rob!, writers aren't allowed to say, "No." They have to say, "How high?"

Which in Any's case is completely appropriate.

Annie said...

oops....'AMy's case...' sorry - I think she smoked part of her 'M.'

Warren Fleece said...

If "Desperate Beehives" gets greenlit I'd say you've got the first season all mapped out.

Hmm-ya. Nice work Levine.

Tosy And Cosh said...

I don't know, I tend to suspect we'll be hearing "Rehab" on AI sooner or later.

nadia* said...

Someone actually covered Amy on the Canadian version of AI (Canadian Idol, obviously) last week. It went about as well as you might expect.

Other than that I have nothing to add.

Doug Walsh said...

Good voice, nice body, but man I'd hate to be on the receiving end of some tragic eyelash-related felatio mishap. Yikes!!!

It's only a matter of time before those things hurt someone.

Anonymous said...

Her problem is a control freak Daddy. Annie is a lucky girl.

Cap'n Bob said...

Don't know anything about her music and all I've heard about her convinces me she's a total mess. In the words of Mr. T, "I pity the fool."

Anonymous said...

Her next CD should be titled ENABLE ME, because that's what you're doing if you buy her music.

Mike McCann said...

>>She signed with CAA and is meeting with writers about doing a sitcom. Are you free for lunch on Thursday?”

Come on, you wouldn't want to try and make her into the next Tracy Ullman... or Katey Sagal (she could play Katey's kid sister or wayward alter ego).

As for "The Next Winehouse," her name is Adele.

Anonymous said...

OMG, a rock star being uncivilized? So all this stuff MTV has been telling us for decades, that rockstarts are nice family people, that never use curse words in their songs and overall responsible hard workers, it was all a lie? is this "rock and roll" music going to bring about the undoing of our society? say it ain't so Ken!

Anonymous said...

When I see that picture of her, all I can say is NO NO NO.