Wednesday, March 03, 2010

AMERICAN IDOL: Girls will be Boys

AMERICAN IDOL pulled a last minute switch, having the boys sing last night and the girls tonight instead of the other way around. This is due to contestant, Crystal Bowersox – the hippie chick – being taken to the hospital for an undisclosed ailment. Hopefully she’s okay to perform this evening. And even if she’s not who’s going to vote off someone rushed to the hospital? Last year’s whackjob, Tatiana Del Toro is probably kicking herself right now saying, “Damn! Why didn’t I think of that?! All those wasted psychotic episodes!”

Before we get into the guys, an open letter to Ellen: BE FUNNY. Not just a wry comment now and again. BE FUNNY. That’s the only reason you’re there. You clearly know nothing about music, I think even Paula had a larger vocabulary, and you can’t finish a single complete sentence. Your function on the show is to entertain, not make Randy and Kara look smart.

Speaking of Kara, did she fall asleep in a tanning booth this week? She looked like George Hamilton in drag.

Because Fox is trying to milk two hours out of a one-hour show, there was a whole lot more filler this week. Startling revelations like the big fat guy who cried all through Hollywood Week likes musical theater. No!!! Or that English is the second language of the Korean kid. Jack Bauer usually has to torture people to get those kinds of secrets out of them.

The theme this week is “Billboard Hits”, so that much pretty includes everything but the David Hasselhoff discography.

Anyway, on to the guys – This year’s crop is like going to Smart & Final and buying all generic brands. The only thing that distinguishes one from the other is their neck tattoos (bar codes?). There’s not an Adam Lambert in the bunch. Hell, there’s not even…whoever that guy was who was in the Navy.

Two of them – Alex and Tim – should be trying out for the Mouseketeers. And Aaron is really Rachel Maddow at 16.

The most distinctive contestant is Casey and that’s only because he’s really Sawyer from LOST. This must be Sawyer’s storyline in the LOST alternate universe. On IDOL he goes by “Casey” but that doesn’t mean anything. On LOST he also goes by “James”. Kara usually drools over this guy and applauds wildly with her legs, but this week she was more critical. As Simon said to her (in the line of the night), “Did he not return your calls?”

Otherwise, there was the battle of Jermaine and Todrick, the riffing African-Americans, throwing plaintive “oh-ohhhs” in the middle of any word. “What’s love got to do with oh-ohhh it?” Neither will be around long. Then there’s Andrew, still trying to top the magic of improving a Paula Abdul song.

Mike, the football linebacker who probably has THE PAJAMA GAME soundtrack on his iPod, gave the performance of the night doing James Brown’s “This is a Man’s World”. And Lee, the big teddy bear, did a nice turn with “Lips of an Angel”. They're safe. Everyone else is iffy.

Hopefully the women are better, Ellen is funnier, Crystal is back, and Sawyer isn’t transported back to 1977 before Kara can lick cookie dough off his chest.


Unknown said... want Ellen DeGeneres to be funny...

Good luck with that.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure this is one of the shows that does this, but an american phenomena that has really gotten on my nerves lately...I thought of it because you mention making a two-hour show with one-hour of material...
I live in Norway, and when we see shows from the US we have maybe one commercial break for every four that you see were in the show (where they fade to black,and come back)...and the trend now, for too many shows is before the break they show you what is coming up after the break. After the break they show you what you saw before the break (sometimes from the START of the show EACH time) AND what's coming up, then get to the "new" material.
It's like they think everyone in the US has got Alzheimers.
I've stopped watching shows that do this.

Michael Tassone said...

Watching AI and/or any reality show makes me feel bad about myself. Like I'm enjoying the degradation of other people. Sure, some of them have it coming but the whole premise seems wrong to me.

A. Buck Short said...

Lonestar Update.

This morning's gubernatorial primary results headlines in the --
Houston Chronicle: Perry, White win TX primaries.
Dallas Morning News Perry, White win big.

If the winner of the next one is sworn in by former Soliciter General/Surfer "Hanging Chad" Ted Olson, will he end the oath of office with, "Olson, don't call me chief!"

Sorry, nobody else to share that with. Now back to our regular programming.

Hollywoodaholic said...

I heard Cowell's brother Tony on a radio program this morning explain that Crystal had to go to the hospital for an event related to her type 1 diabetes, but that she would be ready to perform tonight. The show definitely needs her voice, and I guess at this point we can officially call her a'showstopper.'

Kenji said...

Actually, contestant Crystal Bowersox (no comma needed, Ken) had to be rushed to the hospital for an emergency teeth-whitening. Then they realized it would take all night.

Kirk said...

@A Buck Short--Great Caesar's ghost!

Anonymous said...

This show has officially jumped the shark. The guys are amazingly mediocre. The songs they keep tapping into are the same songs previous seasons tapped into. The responses... make it your own... Wait, don't make it your own, make it simple... are growingly ridiculous and redundant... Paula's departure and Simon's upcoming one look like good decisions by them, current ratings aside.

D. McEwan said...

"Anonymous said...
I live in Norway... the trend now, for too many shows is before the break they show you what is coming up after the break. After the break they show you what you saw before the break (sometimes from the START of the show EACH time) AND what's coming up, then get to the "new" material.
It's like they think everyone in the US has got Alzheimers."

Trust me, we find it just as annoying in America. (Say Hi to my great-grandmother's family in Oslo for me.)

Kara applauding with her legs. Great image, though it's very hard to give a standing ovation that way.

But trust me, Sawyer has a much better body than Casey. When Kara got his short off him, Casey had not so much a body as a flesh-tube from neck to ankles. Not a muscle on that boy anywhere. Sawyer has a build.

If Ellen's suddenly going to start being funny, shouldn't she try that on her own show first? Then, if it goes well (I have my doubts), experiment with it on AI.

Ian said...

I don't think Kara deserves the bashing she's been getting... she's hardly the cringe-inducing-off-her-meds-what-the-hell-did-she-just-say mess that Paula Abdul was. She has solid credentials in the music business, and - any resemblance to George Hamilton notwithstanding - I think she's hot. I'd be just fine with her doing the cookie-dough thing to me.

To the guy in Norway, yep... we have shows here that spend more time hyping upcoming segments than those segments actually take to air. Check out "Access Hollywood" and others like it.

I saw a Rick Steves travel show on Norway just a few days ago, and I was just about to pack my bags. A beautiful place, and everybody looks like they've just wandered out of a fashion catalog...

They have progressive social programs, an educated populace, and a national health care system that sees you from cradle to grave. How, I wonder, do they do that? Then I find out that the population of Norway, the country, is about the same as Los Angeles, the county.

Anonymous said...

I respectfully disagree. Big Mike was lame. The best performance of the night was obviously The Mullet, although I will confess the cadence helped him out.

Unknown said...

Too bad they don't have the brains to hire me as a music consultant. For just one example, the right guy putting the right effort into the relatively little known Dwight Twilley Band song I'm On Fire would bring down the house-rocking beat, really great lyrics. Do NOT confuse it with the 5000 Volts song of the same name which sucks badly or the Bruce Springsteen song which doesn't suck but is a totally different song. Listen to the ORIGINAL version and then try to tell me I'm wrong.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Kara applauding with her legs. Great image, though it's very hard to give a standing ovation that way.

No it's not. Sex on the desk with her legs in the air. I think I've truly spent far too long procrastinating. Back to writing. I apologize.

jackscribe said...

This year is a do-miss year. You're right on with Ellen. This comedian left 'funny' at the door. Last night, she used "great" three times in one sentence. I remember when great was reserved for just that. Completely agree that AI has jumped the shark.