April in New York

From the Queen's City to Queens, this is part 2 of my recent road trip with the Dodgers. Part one was yesterday.

We dropped two of three to the struggling Nationals and headed for Gotham. Instead of flying, the Dodgers chartered a train. That way we didn’t have to stop in Trenton. I love train travel. It’s great fun to look out the window (with my one good eye) and see places I’ve never seen before. Who knew there were so many smoke stacks in Wilmington, Delaware? Or that the landfill was so close to Newark? I would not classify any of the towns we passed through as “inland San Franciscos”.

Stayed at the very swank New York Palace, formerly the Helmsley Palace. The place has lost something without infamous owner Leona Helmsley (the Queen of Mean) screaming and belittling employees (a practice I assume she continued in Federal Prison while serving time for income tax evasion. “Why aren’t there fresh flowers in this exercise yard?!” “You call that a rape?!”)

But the Palace was a bit snooty. I asked the concierge if there were any nearby coffee shops. “Coffeeeee Shopsssss?” he sneered. You’d think I had said, “Hey, are there any titty bars near here where I could get a blowjob?” He told me there was a “Beeeestro” about a block away that served fifty-dollar whores. He actually said “sandweeeecheees” but I know what he meant.

The rain we had been ducking in Cincinnati and DC caught up with us in New York. Monday night’s game with the Mets was washed out and we played a doubleheader on Tuesday night. Oh was that fun! Seven hours of baseball in 37 degree weather with 40 mile gusts and we lost both games. But if you can believe the New York Times, this was still preferable to sitting through the new revival of PROMISES PROMISES.

Denzel Washington is currently on Broadway starring in FENCES. Women are flocking. He could be staring in FECES and they’d still pack the theater every night.

Best hamburger in New York is at CitiField. Join the others in line at the Shake Shack.

I think I saw Jack Bauer chasing a terrorist down Third Avenue carrying a dirty bomb in a Bloomingdale’s bag.

Yankee Stadium, the REAL Yankee Stadium, is now just a pile of rubble. Who needs tradition and cherished memories when you can have luxury suites?

Did not make it to Carnegie Deli so added three months to my life.

The final game of the road trip was held in a typhoon and the Mets won that one too. There were so many hot dog wrappers blown onto the field you’d think it was a ticker tape parade down Fifth Avenue for Gandhi. The Dodgers staggered back home after going 2-7. Was it the pitching? Hitting? Poor defense? Manager Joe Torre had another explanation. He turned to me on the plane and said, “YOU!” I have a feeling my next Dodger trip will be to Cambodia.

Still, I had fun, and win or lose the Dodgers are the classiest organization in baseball. Thanks to them and KABC for letting me tag along even if I personally ruined things for everybody else.

“Put Pete in the Hall”.