Monday, December 03, 2012

Oscar campaigns

We have officially entered Oscar season. This is the time of year Harvey Weinstein, Steven Spielberg, and Will Smith live for. Studios will spend big bucks on campaigns – all designed to cop those coveted Oscar nominations. You'll see posters, full-page ads, DVD’s, private screenings, and appearances. Hell, if you’re an Academy member Steven Spielberg will come to your house personally and help you clean your storm drains. He wants them statuettes!

But what of those other poor deserving films that can’t afford a splashy billion-dollar campaign? Shouldn’t they get a chance to sing their own praises too? I say yes, and so as a public service, here are some movies and achievements that deserve your consideration this Oscar season.

“Katy Perry cements her place as America’s finest actress in this riveting and haunting tale.” -- Bert Schmeldenbaucher, Mojavie World Telegram.
“Best movie of the year!” -- Jeffrey Lyons, syndicated film critic

“After seeing Arnold in this film, movie lovers are all saying, ‘where have you been?’” -- Betsy Dorkuspig, Utica Tattler
“Now these are action stars!” – Titus Wigglebottom, Octogenarian Yearly
“Best movie of the year!” – Jeffrey Lyons, syndicated film critic

“Finally! A slasher movie that also tackles personal finances!” – Yetta Pimskotch,
“Alice Eve makes you forget about Fernanda Andrade.” – Ollie Putz, Buttonwillow Daily Recycler
“Best movie of the year!” – Jeffrey Lyons, syndicated film critic

“Best child-as-plant film since LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS” – Medla Markanheimer-Wong, her podcast
“You’ll cry so much you can water your lawn” – Phoebe Stegmata, Aetna Insurance, inter-office memo
“Best movie of the year!” – Jeffrey Lyons, syndicated film critic

“Groundbreaking filmmaking. It has no ending. Either that or I missed a reel.” – Zena Fitzwilly, Gratiot World-Gazette
“Greatest ending of the year!” – Jeffrey Lyons, syndicated film critic

“I didn’t want it to end. Someone should invent a board game of this.” – Lally Agamemnon, French Lick Keen Observer
“A masterclass in imitating Michael Bay” – F.X. Stottlemeyer, Film as Art magazine
"Rihanna and Brooklyn Decker prove that acting is more important than special effects" -- Darvy Dalrimple, Tea Party Telegram
“Best movie of the year” – Jeffrey Lyons, syndicated film critic

“What LES MISERABLES should have been” – Lisa Freep, President of the Tom Cruise fan club
“It was liking having your favorite actors join you for Karaoke night” – Burford Bozelboof, Mercenary Life magazine
“Best movie of the year” – Jeffrey Lyons, syndicated film critic

“Step aside Meryl Streep. Katherine Heigl rises to the level of national treasure in this uproarious comedy.” – Fawn Ipskow, Roswell Forever newsletter
“Four stars and all of them are Katherine Heigl” – Mary Beth Margaret Rose St. Swithens, Jewish Journal
“And you didn’t think she could top herself after ZYZZYX ROAD but by God Katherine Heigl is that good! – J.R. Junior Jr., critic, Channel 64, Public Access, Apopka, Florida
“Didn’t like it. I don’t get Katherine Heigl.” – Jeffrey Lyons, syndicated film critic

If any of these wins an Academy Award I want to be thanked. Best of luck to them all.


RJ Hope said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RJ Hope said...

If any of them win an Oscar, the respective studio should offer you an overall deal.

The only one on this list I did see was "Rock of Ages." An early scene in the movie, in a record store, had a song by "Skid Row" called "I Remember You" which was released November 1989. The movies' setting was 1987 as superimposed in the opening scenes. I didn't like the fact that they mashed up different songs. As a songwriter, I not a fan of this practice. Tom Cruise should of passed on this one.

Mac said...

Jeffrey Lyons lives! There's a UK critic called Paul Ross who bigs up the most indefensible crap - rumour has it he does this so his name will appear on the DVD cover.

I just googled 'ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN" - I thought you'd thrown in a made-up one, but seems that actually got made. "PlantBoy - The Early Years."

Michael Stoffel said...

Thanks for reminding me that this was the year that Hollywood butchered my guilty pleasure-novel series.
Katherine Heigl is not was not will never be Stephanie Plum.
Tom Cruise, even standing on a stool, is not Jack Reacher!

Phillip B said...

Random sentences from the web - making me miss Rex Reed.

"Lincoln" is not only the best movie of the year .... it is the most important.

And it very well could be the best movie of the year. I just still am hesitant it is gonna be a slam dunk with the GENERAL public.

The Wall Street Journal calls it the best movie of the year, and I concur. It is highly original and a sheer delight. OK, so what's it about?

Life of Pi isn't the best movie of the year. But it's hands-down the greatest 3D film to arrive since James Cameron's game-changing Avatar.

Among the challenges faced now for “Holy Motors” is bridging that divide between those who think it is the best movie of the year and those ...

Sam Mendes' James Bond action-thriller Skyfall may not just be the best movie of the year, it may be the best Bond movie ever made.

Those Miserables might have the best movie of the year but at Christmas time I want to laugh, feel good, and enjoy my family.

Brian Phillips said...

Come back Pat Collins and Walter Monheit, all is forgiven!

Unknown said...

Gigli: "Best Movie Of The Year" - Jeffrey Lyons

Citizen Kane: "Could have been better" - Jeffrey Lyons

Johnny Walker said...

It's been a great year for Jeffrey Lyons!

emily said...

Great review names,
Great media names,
Great humor.

Thanks again Ken!

Mitchell Hundred said...

I met Yetta Pimskotch at a party once. She is not a very nice person.

Murray said...

Aloha from Wailea, Maui. If you have any restaurant suggestions, please pass 'em along. Mahlo, y'all.

Sorry for the tardy response, but, hey, I'm in Maui. Yesterday we visited the "up country". Ate lunch at "Colleen's" in the Haiku Marketplace. Past Ho'okipa to mile marker 11.

Wonderful place. Our whole table enjoyed their meals. I had the best chicken salad sandwich in years. Aloha from Kihei!

GRayR said...

Good old Roswell makes it into Ken's blog.
The other paper of record in Roswell is The Roswell Daily Record. And there are UFO graphics throughout the paper.
The big event of the weekend was the Christmas/Holiday/UFO parade. The best part is when they light all the hot air balloon burners and parade them through town. Not the balloons just the burners. The picture does look cool. Don't know how they feel about Katherine Heigl, unless she is an alien, then of course Oscar time.

RCP said...

Praise from the Utica Tattler? Nowhere to go but down from there.

Great laughs - thanks, Ken!

XJill said...

Battleship actually made my end of year list : "Best Use of Actual WWII Veterans and AC/DC in an Action Movie Sequence" because I loved that scene!

And Rock of Ages was (intentionally??) hilarious - would be very fun at a midnight screening with everyone in 80s garb.

Jerry Peters said...

What about some thoughts on the passing of one of my favorites...Larry Hagman?

Mike said...

I'm still waiting for America to wake up and realise that The Artist was a French film. (It's too late to claim those ticket refunds.)
But what a genius Oscar campaign! While continental Europe makes some commercial fayre in English (like Luc Besson's Taken), my TV tells me that the good stuff comes with subtitles. So how can Europe beat the partisan, pro-Hollywood system and avoid being relegated to the kiddies' table of Best Foreign Language Film.
1) Make the film about Hollywood.
2) Make it silent.

badhatharry said...

I saw "Katie Perry's Part Of Me In 3DD." It was much better.

badhatharry said...

Also, it was very nice meeting you in Enterprise Fish Co a few weeks ago. You and Annie are very nice people. I felt awkward interrupting your meal, but then you kept engaging me in conversation. Keep up the good work, and tell your son to slow down in Taft.

Newtronic said...

Hi, Ken

I'm a big fan. Here's a Friday Question. On Frasier, it was always a treat to see the recurring character Bebe Glazer show up as Frasier's agent. The character is memorable not only because of the great lines, but she is played with comedic strength, verve and perfect timing by Harriet Sansom Harris. Do you have stories about the character or the actress? (I believe she first appeared in a episode written by Angell-Casey-Lee)

Newtronic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Donald said...

"Best blog post of the year." Jeffrey Lyons.

"What my dad said."--Ben Lyons