Sunday, January 24, 2016

Tweets from Gettysburg

Thanks to Twitter, angry bitter disgruntled people now have a place to take pot shots at everybody from the safety of their mother’s basement.  The hate is starting to trump even the narcissism. There will probably be 40,000 tweets ripping me because of this post. 
By the way, moderating comments has worked out better than I expected.  I can moderate over my phone.  So one click from anywhere and trolls are rejected without me even reading their stupid nonsense.  I see the name, CLICK, gone.  It's a beautiful thing.  But I digress...

Twitter can be a great forum. For comedy writers it’s a chance to toss off your one-liners and have them heard (or at least read). Some of my best stuff has been wasted on waiters and strangers in line. Now my best stuff can be wasted on strangers on line. (I enthusiastically invite you to follow me and be one of them.)

But Twitter can also be a troll’s paradise. I’ve noticed that all of the national sportscasters calling these NFL playoffs have been absolutely pummeled by members of this social network. Death by a thousand tweets. The announcers are stupid, they’re biased, they’re too old, their ties are an affront to society. Yikes! The truth is they’re not biased, they’re under a lot of pressure, and producers often pick out their ties for them.

So it got me to thinkin’. What if Twitter existed during the time of Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address? I imagine this is the kind of stuff we'd see.

@lunkhead – I’m at Gettysburg Address w/ 67 others.

@dissgrntled – Shit! Linken is tall!

@shorty – I hate tall people!

@bobballoobobballoo – At least we can see him.

@shorty – Who WANTS to see him?

@mauron -- You are fucking hilarious dude! RT @shorty – Who WANTS to see him?

@loserboy4 – Is that a beard or a beaver on his chin?

@zippy – Abe’s making a pubic appearance.

@lunkhead – HA! RT@zippy – Abe’s making a pubic appearance.

@lunkhead – Talk louder pussy chin! I can’t HEAR YOU!!!

@shorty – Who WANTS to hear you?

@zippy – 4score + 7years. What the fuck is that?

@bobballooobobballoo – Math???? In a MF’ing speech?

@loserboy4 – I want to punch him in the face.

@dropoutat9 – LINCON YOU SUCK!

@dissgrntled – Why does he hate the south? Fuck you, Abe!

@zippy – How much is 4score +7years?

@mauron – 150

@bobballoobobballoo – 16.

@lunkhead – His voice makes me sick.

@zippy – Choke on your beard, dickwad!

@loserboy4 – What does konsecrate mean? He uses all this $10 words.

@dyspeptic – I want to punch him in the face.

@dropoutat9 – Can we get a president who doesn’t hate the north?

@lunkhead – Or can shave.

@zippy – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA RT @lunkhead – Or can shave.

@bobballooobobballoo – Where’s his wife? I hear she’s hot.

@dissgrntled – She’s a whore.

@mauron – This guy is so LAME. He just said the ground is hollow. Really? Then how come we’re not all falling in?

@loserboy4 – That’s weird. I thought the same thing you did. Great minds…

@lunkhead – With that beard he looks like Ape Lincoln.

@shorty – The missing Link-n.

@dyspeptic – LMAO! You dudes should entertain the troops.

@bobballooobobballoo – Hi, I’m Ape Lincoln and I’ve come here today to say blahblahblahblahblahblahblah.

@zippy – Yeah. Nobody cares dude!!

@dissgrntled – By the people, 4 the people, of the people – WTF? did you run out of words for people? You suck! No, you really suck!

@loserboy4 – I want to punch him in the face.

@mauron – That’s it? That’s the whole speech? That was like 5 minutes.

@shorty – What a gyp.

@dyspeptic – Yeah. We want more!

@lunkhead – I hate you!!!!!!!!

@dropoutat9 – You’re a tool!!

@loserboy4 – And a douche!!!

@dissgrntled – And an A-hole!!

@dyspeptic – LOL Just got that. RT @zippy – Abe’s making a pubic appearance.


R Baugh said...

Trolling is bad, and the negative shots without justification are terrible, but mostly because they get lumped in with all the legitimate criticism that the networks should take seriously.

While I agree that trolling is bad there are many legitimate criticisms of the NFL broadcasters last weekend especially the FOX crew. Not so much in bias as just simple lack of knowledge of the teams playing. It seems that the number 1 broadcasting teams are not as focused on actually preparing as the other team. For example, it is clear that a guy like Ian Eagle is well prepared and knowledgeable about teams he may have seen once or twice a year, but Joe Buck doesn't even seem to try anymore. He said that last week that "Russell Wilson doesn't have much experience playing from behind" which it only would have taken a bit of research to see the team came back more than a couple times this year, and that isn't even to mention last year's NFC championship game.

I know it is hard to talk for three hours, and I will give the guys a break generally, but they have a job that many of us would love to have, and when you see a guy who happens to be the son of great broadcaster, seem like he is mailing it in, well I can see where people would be upset.

In baseball it is similar but the dislike comes from a generational difference. The old guard barely acknowledges the changing understanding of the game and even rails against it. Adherence to stats like batting average and RBIs when clearly the successful teams have even moved beyond it, and attitudes against sabermetric thinking. The biggest thing I hate about many baseball announcers is when they use an example stat like "batting average against lefties on sunny days in August" as evidence of how silly advanced stats are, when that is exactly the type of stats that sabermetricians want to see eliminated.

Announcers are out of touch with today's younger, smarter, and more deeply thinking audience, and that is why they get so much backlash. The average fan knows more about sports today and they not only watch sports to be entertained but to think. This isn't just true about sports as we talk about here with TV, people are watching smarter and more intellectually engaging shows. So when we get announcers who are less prepared than we are to watch the games, it produces a bad broadcast.

So while you funny joke fires back at the dumb people who criticize without thought, there are others out there who see a real issue with sports broadcasting. If you're going to send out unprepared broadcasters to present the game then expect people to fire back.

Aaron Sheckley said...

I've never been on Twitter and I got off Facebook a few years ago, mainly because I found out I didn't want to know the spur of the moment, unfiltered thoughts of people I knew. People just seem to feel way more free on Twitter to release that (rightfully) hidden inner monologue than they ever would feel in real life. Finding out your delightful niece was actually a raging homophobe, or that a friend was one of those "well, of course it's the Jews' fault" type of guys, convinced me that life is better when you don't know every thought of the people close to you, let alone the raging masses of basement dwellers.

BA said...

Just like Youtube, puts the ugliest part of the id into the driver's seat. LOL 27 IDIOTS HATED THIS POST

404 said...

"Ape Lincoln" - "The missing Link-in" -- Ken, those two lines were absolutely brilliant. Made me laugh out loud and spill some coffee.

Charles H. Bryan said...

@realDonaldTrump I wouldn't give you five bucks for this guy, even if they put his picture on the money.

Barry in Portland said...

Laughing out loud this morning, and I needed it. Thanks.

Mr. Hollywood said...

So you've basically just told everyone that if they want you to read it, use a name that has recently gotten through moderation. It might not get posted, but you'll read it.

Michael said...

Ah, you have a Civil War historian lurking here. So I can tell you that a lot of the anti-Lincoln editorials read all too much like those tweets.

Ironically, the speech didn't go over big at the time. But that day, the main speaker was Edward Everett, a longtime scholar and diplomat known for his classical allusions. He talked for two hours, which was the approximate time that kind of speech would go then. He later wrote to Lincoln that he wished he could have said so well in his two hours what Lincoln conveyed in his two minutes. Everett knew he was in the presence of greatness.

Joseph Scarbrough said...

I never understood the point of Twitter: it's sole purpose is already a basic function on Facebook, Myspace, and other social outlets, so what's the point? Same goes for tumblr, it's essentially Twitter for pictures, which again, is already a basic function on Facebook; not to mention there's already image-hosting sites out there (Photobucket, Imagebam, et al).

Mark Fearing said...

Very funny idea! Tweets from great events in history?

Frank Beans said...

@realDonaldTrump - This guy's beard looks like something my combover took a dump on his neck

Mike Barer said...

This is better than SNL.

Mike Barer said...

@joseph Scarbrough I use both, but I use Facebook for personal contact and twitter to air my thoughts and to hear others.

Richard Y said...

Bob Newhart did a great take on the Gettysburg Address back in the 60s in his 'Button Down Mind'. I can't seem to readily find it to post here but like much of Newhart's stuff -quite funny.

Charles H. Bryan said...

@realDonaldTrump RT "@jwboothactor Trump is the man to #MakeAmericaGreatAgain" Thanks for the support, JW! Love theater!

Jimmy said...

@ Joseph Scarbrough: At least part of the appeal of tumblr is that the site is cool with its members posting gigs and gigs and gigs (and gigs) of porn.

Frank Beans said...

@realDonaldTrump - I could manage the Yankees a thousand times better than this guy and George Steinbrenner put together.

DrBOP said...

@SarahP BREAKdown of the American Family = BLAME LINKUN!!!

He claims to have FOUR fathers! @legscrossed @chastitybeltsareus
@sparetherod @iwillnotshutup @liberalsarecommies @allofthem

Alan C said...

This is right up there with the Gettysburg PowerPoint.

Andrew said...

There's actually a version of the Gettysburg Address as delivered by Trump. Google it.

Bob The First said...

This was a FANTASTIC post, Ken! Thank you, as a member of the "internet generation" who hates everything about that appellation, this made me laugh a rueful laugh. Always love reading your blog, and thanks for your posts day in day out, but this one FTW, as the half-Twits say.

Anonymous said...

Loved this Ken..but I have a writer's question....

I recall years ago, Johnny Carson said the one thing you can't joke about is Lincoln's Assassination...I watched a rerun of Carson the other night..and he was outright booed over a joke about it. I love Lincoln but am perplexed as to why that's the "third rail" of comedy. I'm sure modern edgy comics could get away with it but would a sitcom writer include a joke about that event(minus Seth Mcfarlane)? Has enough time passed?

Jeff b said...

"What are you wearing, Abe? ....A sort of cardigan?!"