Wednesday, January 25, 2017

NOCTURNAL ANIMALS -- my sort of review

Amy Adams calls her agent.

AMY: Hey there.

AGENT: Hey yourself. This is so freaky. I’ve been in “Amy Adams Land” all morning, fielding projects for you.

AMY: Listen, I am so exhausted. I just finished JUSTICE LEAGUE. I’ve played Lois Lane three times now. All the running and CGI stunts – I’m pooped. And then ARRIVAL, I had to wear this bulky space suit, and those weightless stunts – ugh! For my next picture please find me something a little less taxing.

AGENT: Meaning what, love?

AMY: Think Bob Newhart on NEWHART. He just stood behind a counter. I want a role like that. But Oscar worthy certainly.

AGENT: I’ll see what I can do. I’ll be in “Matt Damon Land” this afternoon and then “the second daughter on MODERN FAMILY Land” tonight, but I’ll be back in your land first thing in the morning.

AMY: Thanks. I’m tired of being kidnapped or playing scenes with giant squids.

AGENT:  Amen to that.  Amen to that.

The next day Amy gets a call from her agent.

AMY: Hello?

AGENT: Amy, darling, it’s me, Mr. “I heard you and am delivering big time as I always do.”

AMY: Whatcha got?

AGENT: The perfect project for you. It’s called NOCTURNAL ANIMALS.

AMY: What’s it about?

AGENT: I don’t know.

AMY: You don't know because you only read my part or the movie is confusing?

AGENT: No, I think because it’s not about anything. What was SUPERMAN about?

AMY: Fair point. So what do I do in this movie?

AGENT: You read.

AMY: Read what?

AGENT: A book.

AMY: Then what?

AGENT: That’s pretty much it. I think there are some scenes in restaurants where you wait for people, but pretty much you read a book. No dialogue to memorize either.

AMY: Sounds promising, but how will I get an Oscar nomination?

AGENT: There’s this amazing scene where you get a paper cut.

AMY: Oooooooh! I could squint, I could curse, I could yelp, I could be brave, I could faint –

AGENT: I can think of maybe three other actresses in the world who could pull that off. And Fran Drescher doesn’t make movies.

AMY: Why am I reading this book?

AGENT: Your ex-husband sent it to you. He wrote this novel that is supposed to hit home and make you uncomfortable.

AMY: So I can squirm while reading it? Oooh, wait! I know. I’ll wear glasses while I’m reading.

AGENT: God, that is brilliant!

AMY: Hmmmm. I also want to show my sexuality, remind people that I’m hot. Oh, I know. I could read the book while taking a bath for some scenes.

AGENT: Inspired. I’m sure you could demand a rewrite.

AMY: It was hard for my fans to jerk off to me in ARRIVAL. I broke down language code.

AGENT: Your fans will be screaming: “Take the glasses off!”

AMY: I love it! Tell them I want the part.

AGENT: Great. Want me to send over the script?

AMY: Yes, yes! Great preparation. I can rehearse reading.

NOCTURNAL ANIMALS continues to play at some cineplexes.


Carol said...

Victoria Coren Mitchel wasn't all that thrilled with this movie, that's for sure:

I'd love to know your take on what she said (won't say what here in case people care about spoilers for this movie) and if you agree or not.

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen this yet but friends of ours did. The husband wanted to leave halfway through and the wife was loving it. Their child called with an emergency so they both had to leave(husband was ecstatic). My wife and I are looking forward to seeing this and discovering if we have the same reactions.

Stephen Marks said...

No it wasn't

Fred Willard said:

No it wasn't

Paul Reubens said:

No it wasn't

Jodie Foster said:

No it wasn't

Forest Whitaker said:

Yes it was

The Bumble Bee Pendant said...

I was crying reading this... it was so funny
i can just see the Agent jerking Amy around (probably while also jerking off).

julian said...

beautiful snark

Peter said...

Ken, a sort of Friday/podcast question:

Like you, I'm dismayed with who's in the White House now and I think free speech and holding those in power accountable is more vital than ever. But at what point does legitimate and justified anger/criticism become absurd hyperbole? I ask because of this tweet Joss Whedon posted today:

He says: "We have a dictator. Wow. We're THAT country now."

I like Whedon but isn't that comment just going a bit over the top? Such comments tarnish the efforts of those who put out proper commentary and concerns over Trump. Calling him a dictator - at this stage anyway - is ridiculous. He's one man who's disliked by most within his own party and he's managed to piss most of the intelligence community. Call him an asshole, a liar, a misogynist, all of which he is, but it's counter productive when someone like Whedon goes overboard and starts throwing words like dictator around.

Boomska316 said...

You say that as if Amy Adams in a bathtub is bad thing.

Fleetwood Shrumm said...

All I can say is that there are some movies I wish I had never seen because their imagery will haunt my head forever. I can't say more to avoid spoilers, but anyone who with beloved people in their life might find this film untenable. In this case, I have a wife and daughter and was mortified. The book was supposed to cause the ex-wife pain but it caused me pain as well.

I will say that no one plays unbearable stress and horrific shock better than Jake Gyllenhaal. He gets to the point where he's like those big-eye paintings that Tim Burton seems to cherish.

Ben K. said...

Hi Ken, here's a Friday question: As a showrunner, what would you do if you found a perfect-seeming trendy activity for your characters to get involved in, and then it turned out that competing shows were doing exactly the same thing? In the past, I imagine quite a few shows might have done virtually simultaneous episodes set at, say, a roller disco or a Lilith Fair-style concert or the game-filled offices of a tech company. Over the past few months, I think I've seen episodes of at least four different sitcoms in which the characters decided to try one of those "escape rooms," a theme game where you're locked in a room together and have to solve puzzles to get out. If you were on the tail end of this, would you stick with it (and risk your adventure suddenly seeming like a tired cliche) or take it out? Or would you try to avoid trends entirely, in hopes that your show doesn't appear so dated when it it's re-run in Netflix 4-D Hologram-Vision 10 years from now? said...

Nobody knows anything.


RCR said...

So say you have a sitcom pilot that you feel is really strong, but you don't quite have an idea of what network/service it could work best on. Where would you go from there? Would you pitch it straight to a studio, rather than a network? Is that possible?

John in NE Ohio said...

Possible FQ:

AMY: Hmmmm. I also want to show my sexuality, remind people that I’m hot. Oh, I know. I could read the book while taking a bath for some scenes.

You post this as a joke, but while AA may not have had this thought, I'm sure there was a producer/etc that did. I have not seen the movie, so I don't know how gratuitous the scene is, but how does something like this get presented to the actress? "Look, the movie is a little too cerebral to make any money, so we need to do a bathtub scene?"
Or more in your line of work - Kaley Cuoco in BBT - Does she know going in that she is the eye candy as much as anything (especially in the first couple seasons). Does she know that the situations in the comedy will be picked as much for their comedic potential as for her potential to be half clothed? Or is it downplayed until it is happening? I guess the real question is - what percentage of actresses know exactly what they are signing up for? If they go into it with eyes open, that is their choice and nobody should have a problem with that, but if they don't know, ...

MikeN said...

First thought you were talking about Political Animals, a USA miniseries. Gives credibility to the story that Bill Clinton was pushing Hillary to run in 2012. The whole thing was glorifying them.
Plot was a first lady who ran for president and lost to the first Hispanic president becomes Secretary of State and then decides to run against him. Side details that 'Bill' tanked the previous race so that he would be blamed and she would still be viable.

John in NE Ohio, of course they know, but the deal is you let them think it is artistic, with awards thrown in. Anne Hathaway said at the Oscars,"The rule is you get naked, you get nominated."

John in NE Ohio said...

MikeN -
Yes, naked=oscars. However, did Kaley C really take BBT as a prestige show? She took it as a paycheck, which is fine. And she has been around, so she probably knew what she was getting into.
But what about someone like Beth Behrs, who had virtually no credits before 2BG? Do you think she knew going in that they hired her legs as much as anything else? Maybe she did. I guess I'm just curious how much bait and switch is going on and how much the actors are completely aware of. And how precisely does it have to be specified? Does it say in the contract that there will be 3 bikini episodes per year, and you have to stay in shape? Back in the day, was it in the contract that Threes company and Charlies Angels were braless shows?