Overwriting and why it's bad to write more than you need to make the same point

When reading a spec, one of the most common traps I see young writers falling into is overwriting.

When I receive a spec the first thing I always do is check its length. If I get a hernia lifting it, that’s not good. A comedy screenplay should be no more than 120 pages and that’s stretching it. Sitcoms vary depending on the rhythm and format of the show. But if you write a spec EARL and it’s 50 pages, I can tell you sight unseen it will be unseen. WINGS scripts (multi-camera) generally topped out in the low 40’s. When I was consulting on the show we had a writer who routinely turned in 65 page drafts. His rationale was that he gave us choices. We could whittle it down to the best 42 pages. Fine and dandy except THAT’S HIS JOB!!! If you can’t tell your story in the allotted time then maybe you’re not telling the story right. Or there’s too much story and that has to be addressed.

The only thing worse than a TV script of screenplay that’s overwritten is a stage play. Plays have no length requirement so the playwright has free reign to torture us long into next month. When a two character piece about what to pack for a vacation is longer than NICHOLAS NICKLEBY that should be a clue.

And then there’s the dialogue.

This may sound obvious but worth stating anyway: Always remember that actors have to perform your script.

Soooo many times I’ll see full page speeches with sentences so long and complicated that no human being on earth could ever deliver them. And certainly not in one breath. Read your script out loud. If you need CPR by the end of a speech, rethink. Dialogue has to sound natural, conversational. And rarely do we speak in big whoppin’ speeches.

When writing a TV spec, writers often go overboard on character quirks. They’ll hear Frasier utter something a little flowery and think that every word out of his mouth has to be Noel Coward. In fairness, shows themselves get caught up in that trap. On MASH the tendency to give every line a spin evolved into absurdity. In a later season (after I had left the series) Potter once said to Klinger, “It was curiosity that KO’d the feline.” WTF?? Who would ever say that? And why?

There is a tendency to want to impress by working in all kinds of complex themes and philosophies – show how you’re the next Paddy Chayefsky. In truth, it’s your inexperience not intellect that’s being put on display. If long intricate theories and complicated Byzantine ideas are your cup of tea, write a book.

More often than not these long speeches have characters express in detail their emotions and attitudes. Not only is it taxing to listen to this balloon juice it also gives the actor nothing to play. Might as well go on to the next scene. Sometimes a look or a gesture can say volumes more a two page speech that James Joyce would find too convoluted.

Whenever my partner, David and I go back to polish a draft we thin out the big speeches. If the speech is 14 lines we make it 11, if it’s 11 lines we make it 9. There are ALWAYS trims.

Same is true in stage direction. A reader sees a big block of stage direction I GUARANTEE he will not read it. You could describe a sex act in detail and he’ll flip the page.

As a rule it’s better to underwrite than overwrite. We have an expression. We like “open pages”. Much more white than type. This may sound obvious too but: You don’t get paid by the word.

Go back through your script. I bet you could lose two pages. (Probably page 8 and one other.)

Afternoon everybody. NORM!!!

These are "Normisms" from the first season of CHEERS. My partner and I wrote a bunch of them. It was a running bit that lasted all eleven seasons. However, if you don't know it's a running bit it's usually not as funny. We learned that the hard way on CHEERS. We filmed the first eight shows or so before the series premiered in September of 1982. The "Normisms" for those tapings, some of the best and the ones you'll laugh loudest at, were met originally with confused silence. Enjoy them again and you're welcome to guess which ones David and/or I came up with.

Oooooh, Katie Couric says a "bad" word.

There is a new video circulating the web of Katie Couric anchoring CBS's election coverage on January 8. It's when she was off the air, chatting with the crew. As you know I'm not a huge fan of Katie Couric doing the news but I really feel she got a bum deal here. She's being portrayed as this crazed out of control tyrant who is overly demanding, profane, and disrespects her fellow colleagues.

Come on, people!

Judge for yourself but to me she's doing nothing wrong. She never has a meltdown, is keeping the atmosphere light for her crew, mocks Meredith Viera in the most innocuous way, and big fucking deal -- says shit. She's a grown up. She wasn't on the air when she said it. So who cares?

Here's the video. What do you think?

The DGA deal and other topics

The DGA just announced a tentative agreement with the AMPTP. As a writer and a director, I'm waiting for more analysis before I decide whether that's a good thing or not.

Meanwhile, could Nikki Finke have picked a worse week to go on hiatus? Now I have to get my strike updates from the crank who stands in front of Jamba Juice.

There’s a new kid on the blogosphere. Earl Pomerantz, writer of TAXI, CHEERS,THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, creator of MAJOR DAD, BEST OF THE WEST, and one of the original producers of COSBY, now has a blog. He’s very funny. Here’s a sample from his first post:

I’m proud of my credits, except perhaps for one. I acted in a movie called "Cannibal Girls." Pretty girls pick up hitchhikers, lure them home promising certain enticements – I can’t remember what they were, though I remember the pretty girls didn’t button their shirts all the way up. After serving us a sumptuous banquet, the pretty girls kill us and eat us. I can’t recommend "Cannibal Girls", since I haven’t seen it all the way through.
You can check out Earl’s blog here.

Lock your doors and hide your daughters and football memorabilia. O.J. Simpson is out of jail again. Who needs to write jokes when the actual bail bonds firm he used is named “You Ring We Spring”?

Jack Bauer is out of the hooskow next week. He’s staying in the Emmy winner’s wing of the Glendale jail.

Picketing highlight of the week: Elvis Costello was marching with us Wednesday at 20th.

Expected temperatures for the two NFL championship games: New England 23 degrees with 20 mph winds. Green Bay 6 degrees. Might we have Ice Bowl 2? Why in God’s name does anyone go to those games? Brett Farve gets $9 million dollars. The idiot fan with the cheese hat gets frostbite and trench foot. Can you not be a real Packer fan if you haven't lost the tips of three fingers? Do these people know the games are ON TELEVISION?! Starting price for a ticket to Lambeau Field (I kid you not): $588.

Great headline in THE ONION: “Phil Simms Mistaken for Life-Sized Cardboard Cutout Of Phil Simms”.

Because SEINFELD is Giant quarterback Eli Manning's favorite show, the Milwaukee affiliate will not air it Saturday night, figuring Manning will be in his hotel room and probably would be watching it. Maybe they should also send Jessica Simpson up to his room.

By the way, new nickname for Jessica Simpson among Dallas Cowboy fans: Yoko Romo.

I will be guesting Friday with Paul Harris on KMOX, St. Louis from 2-3 pm. I imagine we’ll be discussing the WGA strike and ways to make a chicken.

How perfect that up against the season premiere of AMERICAN IDOL NBC aired THE BIGGEST LOSER.

Mac users: is there anything worse than seeing that damn little spinning beach ball?

Woody Allen is often criticized for churning out a movie a year but at least his premises are fresh and original. His new one CASANDRA’S DREAM is about two brothers who kill someone in the act of a crime. And before you say that’s the exact same premise as BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD just know Woody Allen’s movie is completely different. It's set in London.

They have “Open Mic” nights in comedy clubs. How about “Open Knife” night at Benihana’s?

TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNER CHRONICLES

I think I would cheerfully let Terminators try to kill me if I could have Summer Glau as my protector. Is it too weird to have a crush on a robot? Now I’m starting to finally understand LARS AND THE REAL GIRL.

Summer Glau (pictured above) plays a “good” Terminator, assigned to protect teenager John Connor from the “bad” Terminators who are trying to whack him before he can grow up and save the world. Scientologists believe the same is true of the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes baby. The Terminator legend is more grounded.

TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES (which premiered to big numbers against no competition on Fox) is essentially THE BIONIC WOMAN meets THE FUGITIVE. But unlike THE BIONIC WOMAN, which is a dreary saga only Harlan Ellison would love, THE TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES is kind of fun. Don’t confuse it with a mini series about Supreme Court Justice Sandra O’Conner, this is an action show in the spirit of HEROES, 24, and the last two minutes of MONK.

And Summer Glau steals the show. She’s everything Bionic Woman, Michelle Ryan is and a bag of (computer) chips.

Sure THE TERMINATOR defies the laws of physics, nature, gravity, and time but they follow PRISON BREAK so logic is obviously a complete non-issue.

A few things I worry about:

Leah Headley, who plays Sarah, needs some of Roger Clemens’ steroids. She’s trying her best to act tough but it’s like Calista Flockhart: Bad Ass.

I miss Arnold Schwarzenegger, the original Terminator. Who can ever forget his great line, “Fuck yooo, asshorrr!” In this TV version will John Conner be hunted down each week by a different Oakland Raider lineman?

When they time travel they must do so naked. Is Summer Glau anatomically correct?

And here’s the only thing I think would make the show better:

If they’re going to use different Terminators, why not have celebrity Terminators? Wouldn’t you just love to see Ann Coulter shot with bazookas, hit by a truck, electrocuted with a million volts, and crushed in a vice? Throw in slow-motion and you have multiple Emmys.

THE TERMINATOR: THE SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES has promise. But I’m now a cyborg chaser so you can’t completely go by me.

Force manure

As expected, networks and studios “with deep tremendous and heartfelt regret” wasted not a nanosecond evoking force majeure to terminate overall deals all over town. Their real regret is that they couldn’t do it Christmas Eve. Over fifty deals killed already.

The 20th Century Fox tear-stained press release said, "Because of the adverse effects of the ongoing WGA strike on our business, we have been forced to terminate overall deals with a number of talented writers and producers.”

FORCED? FOX was forced? The week that AMERICAN IDOL returns? Three weeks before they carry the Superbowl? Two days after their new TERMINATOR show premiered to record numbers? Where's all that money they made by selling the Dodgers?

Any writer or director or non-writing producer who had a deal and didn’t have a HIT show currently on the air was axed. ALIENS IN AMERICA (great buzz, bad numbers), K-VILLE (bad buzz), JOURNEYMAN (no buzz) -- the creators who they loved in July were kicked to the curb in January. Even actors like Hugh Jackman saw his production company heave-ho'ed. Good luck CBS getting him to host the Tony awards anytime in the next ten years.

The worst offender of course was Disney (that bastion of family values). Their TV production arm, Touchstone ABC, dumped thirty overall deals. 20th, CBS Paramount, WBTV, and UMS only terminated half that number. So far. They're the studios with a heart.

When every one of these development deals were originally announced in the trades, invariably the studio president was quoted as saying they were so “thrilled to be in business with X, X has such a unique voice, X is just the kind of writer we want at this studio, X is so gifted, this deal begins what we know will become a long term partnership. “

And now, these same unique gifted talented artists? Get the fuck off the lot! NOW!!!

Most if not all of these writers will work again after the strike. At least one will go on to create a monster hit. And there will be some studio that let him get away thus losing out on a billion dollars. But hey, they sure showed him!

Other fired writers will turn to the internet and other venues when the strike is over. And the studios will get pilots picked up subject to A-list show runners being attached and guess what? They’re not available. Or they’re not interested. Some projects will go up in smoke. And these A-list show runners were already right there on their lots, just sitting in their bullpens, ready to go.

Yes, the networks and studios have tremendous regret…at least they will in another year. In the meantime, enjoy the little money you save. Don’t spend it all on one victory lunch.

24: the next two hours

First off, thanks to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY for including me in their list of the "100 Greatest Websites." I've just renewed my subscription for five years.

Yesterday I revealed the first two hours of what 24 had planned for this season. Here are the next two. I know it's more fun to actually watch the four hours over two nights but since the show has been postponed for a year I figured this will at least keep you. So fasten your seat belts.

The following takes place between 3 and 4 PM.

A nuclear bomb explodes outside Washington D.C. Fortunately, this does not interrupt air travel. Chloe calls the kidnappers, says, “If you kill Juno (her baby) you won’t get the Anthrax shipment. Why you’d even want Anthrax I can’t imagine but it’s going to take longer to remove from the government’s secret storage warehouse at 10875 Magnolia Blvd.” Abdul-Paula will give her another hour but ups the ransom as a penalty. She must now also bring $8.95 for the Huggies. Chloe asks if he is responsible for the nuclear blast. Abdul-Paula is enraged. “Sure, it’s always the TERRORISTS!”

Chloe calls Jack to update him. Fortunately, he gets cellphone service at 35,000 feet. Jack now has one hour to get to Washington D.C., save Audrey, find out who set off the bomb, then fly back to Los Angeles to rescue Chloe’s baby.

4:00:00

The following takes place between 4:00 and 5:00 PM

Jack lands at Dulles Airport and catches a cab to the city. A postal worker spots him and another chase ensues. Hundreds more are dead. Since there’s no traffic in Washington DC (enough commuters were killed in the nuclear blast to make driving a real pleasure) he arrives downtown in five minutes.

The President calls. President Taylor (played this season by Cherry Jones: pictured) heard Jack was in town and has a special top secret mission for him. He’s instructed to report to the White House. He calls Chloe but there’s pandemonium at CTU. Apparently someone released nerve gas and only Karl Rove happened to have a gas mask. Fortunately, Chloe locks herself in the conference room, which like all glass-enclosed rooms is sealed air tight. Chloe’s baby has an accident and as Abdul-Paula goes for the handi-wipes the baby accidentally activates a timer to a series of suitcase bombs that in two minutes will blow up every Dunkin Donuts in Los Angeles.

Jack arrives at the White House and is ushered into the Oval Office. President Taylor hands him a letter. “This is my Verizon bill. It’s overdue. See that it’s sent by midnight tonight.” The bomb timer ticks away. 5 seconds…4 seconds…3 seconds…2 seconds…1 second. BOOM! Fortunately there are no Dunkin Donuts in Los Angeles so the damage is minimal.

Jack is about to leave when President Taylor stops him. She has one more thing he needs to look at. The CIA and Oprah's people did some uncovering and apparently Jack’s great-great grandfather was Hitler. Audrey is being strapped to electrodes. Applause from the attendants. Chloe is calling maintenance to come fix the air conditioner. It’s stuffy in the sealed conference room. Karl Rove’s wife is downloading music illegally. Former President Palmer prepares Banana Foster. Kim and her captors rob a Hibernia Bank branch in San Francisco. Jack goose steps to a mailbox.

5:00:00

If 24 HAD been on

Like many of you, I was eagerly awaiting the beginning of another season of 24 Sunday night and am disappointed it will be put off for another year. However, I have EXCLUSIVE advance information on what happens the first four hours (two night premiere). The hell with a spoiler alert, you’re going to want to read this – whether you’re a 24 fan or not.

The following takes place between 1:00 and 2:00 PM.

It’s one year later. In an effort to slow things down in his life, Jack quits CTU and joins the U.S. Post Office, assigned to their Culver City branch. He’s making the adjustment well. For the entire first hour he is helping one customer. She needs stamps.

2:00:00

The following takes place between 2:00 and 3:00 PM

He finally says “next!” and his next customer is former colleague/computer geek/charm school drop out Chloe. She’s frantic. She just had a baby and it was kidnapped. If she doesn’t pay the ransom in one hour it will be killed. Jack asks why she waited until the last minute? She says she didn’t. She’s been in line for six hours! Fortunately, Jack is owed a break (since he hadn’t had one in over ninety minutes). He calls his daughter Kim who is currently kidnapped herself. Leave it to Kim to have a ‘tude. “I’ve been locked in this cellar for like what, eight months? And this is maybe the second time you’ve called?” Jack feels tremendous guilt for one second then presses on. Does Kim know anything about the Chloe kidnapping? “Oh sure, it’s always MY captors!” Jack says that’s not it. Maybe she’s heard something. Kidnapper scuttlebutt, shop talk, an inquiry to sublet the cellar? Kim says she’s got to go, they’re changing her ropes.

Chloe is beside herself but has to tell Jack that because he’d never guess from her blank expression. He vows to see what he can do but could Chloe help out by providing him the blueprints of every building in Los Angeles? She says no problem, that’ll only take a minute, and returns to CTU, which has now been relocated to where Tower Records used to be on the Sunset Strip (other than the electric fence that encircles it and the armed guards on the roof you’d think they were still open and selling the Taylor Hicks’ CD for 80% off).

Seven minutes later she has a lead. In a stroke of luck that could only happen on 24 it seems the ransom note was written on personal stationery. Abdul-Paula Shakira, terrorist organizer/AMPTP public relations consultant. Fortunately he’s only two blocks away. Jack hijacks a mail truck and heads over there. The postal inspector is irate. Jack has broken protocol! A madcap chase ensues at 5 m.p.h. with other postal vehicles in hot pursuit. Shots are fired. Hundreds are dead.

While in one of the many tunnels that Culver City is famous for, Jack gets a call on his cellphone. Reception is perfect! It’s former President Wayne Palmer, now a sous-chef at Duke Ziebert’s in Washington D.C. He just learned that Jack’s former flame Audrey Raines has had another breakdown. She thinks she’s an actress. Audrey's been admitted to the local drooling academy. They’re scheduled to administer shock treatment that will probably kill her, or at least render her lifeless (which is how she always was anyway).

Jack calls Chloe. Stall the kidnappers. He has one thing he has to do first. What? Fly to Washington D.C. and rescue Audrey. Chloe is upset (not visibly or audibly of course). She got him the blueprints and everything. Jack is annoyed. Why doesn’t anyone trust him? He’s saved the world seven times already for Chrissakes! You’d think he’d be entitled to a little respect. Chloe begrudgingly says okay but still believes he took steroids. New co-worker Karl Rove overhears this conversation and sends a text message to his Iranian wife who is in the middle of breaking down an M-16. Jack turns around and heads to LAX, which conveniently is only two blocks away. Audrey is in a padded cell doing the Faye Dunaway “wire hangers” speech from MOMMY DEAREST. Kim’s captors are filling out their tax forms, listing her as a deduction.

3:00:00

Next two hours tomorrow.

Dumb entertainment reporter theater

It's a common mistake. John Cusack is often mistaken for... Kevin Spacey.



Do your homework, people! Or at least go to a movie.

Sunday night I will be on KABC radio again from 7-10, talking sports. If I have time after analyzing the latest AMERICAN GLADIATORS I might even get into the NFL playoffs. But I dunno. I only have three hours.

This is the night 24 was supposed to premiere. For those fans who need a fix, tomorrow I will reveal what was supposed to happen. Okay, I may take a "few" liberties but I'm sure I'm pretty close.

Bill Idelson

Writer/actor Bill Idelson passed away last week. He was 88. His acting credits are as recent as WILL & GRACE and as far back as network radio. (He once was a regular on a radio series playing a character named “Skeezix”.) Maybe his most famous role was playing Sally Rogers boyfriend on THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. Talk about being ahead of your time. He was the consummate nerd in 1962.

I knew him as a comedy writer. In the 60s and 70s he was on the A-list. (THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE ODD COUPLE, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, GET SMART, GOMER PYLE, THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW, LOVE AMERICAN STYLE, even that laugh riot TWILIGHT ZONE.) He won two Writers Guild Awards (one for GET SMART and the other for ANDY GRIFFITH). He did an episode of MASH for us that was a sheer delight (meaning: we didn’t have to change any of it!).

But Bill’s real contribution was as a teacher. For years he held a comedy writing class in his house – BILL IDELSON’S WRITING WORKSHOP, For Writers who want to be professionals. Many of today’s top comedy scribes were mentored by Bill. And if you were in his class you could always call him, bounce ideas off him, seek advice, which he always freely and lovingly gave. More than anything else, Bill was a great cheerleader. So supportive of young writers. He didn’t just teach, he inspired.

In his own words, his philosophy:

Pointing out that an idea has been done is off limits. If you say it’s been done, everything stops dead, but if you stick with it, it will probably turn out to be something totally different. And it shows it was good to go on the air. The main thing is to keep a positive attitude. If you start turning things off before they are developed, you’re going to put everybody in a frightened mood, and they are going to get very negative.

I don’t know about you but that’s the kind of guy I want teaching me a creative skill.

He wrote a book WRITING FOR DOUGH. It's well worth checking out.

I bet on the picket lines next week there will be a lot of great Bill Idelson stories. I’m only sorry he won’t be there with us, telling them himself.

Thanks to Hanks

Another week of picketing at 20th Century Fox is in the books. Happy to report no one fell in the fountain this week. In fact, no one has fallen into the fountain since the holiday break.

News crews are still showing up and reporting on us. Except now they're all foreign language. Who knew that Rwanda TV had a Hollywood correspondent?

Gee, I guess the honeymoon is over. When wunderkind Ben Silverman became Prez of NBC he made a big show about how he was the writer’s best friend. He invited writers to bring their projects to NBC because he above all other network chieftains appreciated and valued writers. After the Golden Globes were canceled this week he said, "Sadly, it feels like the nerdiest, ugliest, meanest kids in the high school are trying to cancel the prom. But NBC wants to try to keep that prom alive."

Okay, we may be the nerdiest and ugliest but meanest? Us?! Did we break off negotiations? Did we refuse to bargain in good faith? Did we hold the entire town hostage, cost innocent workers their jobs all in the name of greed and winning? No, it was the popular kids who did that. And so I say fuck your prom. We nerds wouldn’t be allowed in anyway.

In addition to a lot of writers on line being offended by that remark they were also pretty much in agreement that the “life is high school” metaphor is now really old and cliché. But that could just be another example of how mean they are.

So the NBC fallback plan is for the Golden Globes to be considered a “news story”, not an awards show. Uh, doesn’t that tarnish the news department’s credibility and reputation just a tad? Somehow I can’t see Huntley and Brinkley announcing the Golden Globe winners and then turning to John Chancellor to analyze why “Walk Hard” didn’t win best song.

If anyone from CAA is reading this, we haven’t had our churros in a long time now. Where are you guys?

I love Jon Stewart but he is really being a dick. He knows damn well why Letterman got a waiver and he didn’t. Letterman’s show is produced by his independent company. Stewart’s is produced by Viacom, the aft section of the death star. Stop being petulant. Aren’t there Republican debates every night to make fun of? Rudy Giuliani’s staff went door to door in New Hampshire wearing Yankee caps. You can’t do ten minutes on that?

On the other hand, God bless Tom Hanks. He’s the first big name superstar to come out publicly and urge the AMPTP to end the strike. He said, "I just hope that the big guys who make big decisions up high in their corporate boardrooms and what not get down to honest bargaining and everyone can get back to work." Thank you, Tom. They don’t care if every writer and below-the-line worker in the world hates them but they do care that you might be unhappy.

Someone said that the cost of THE GOLDEN COMPASS is more than all the revenue the WGA would receive if the AMPTP accepts our offer. And yet somehow our offer is irresponsible and would cause complete financial ruin to the industry.

Meanwhile, the WGA announced the feature nominees for their annual awards. Here’s the list. Congratulations to all the very deserving screenwriters. The guild also announced it is discontinuing its big gala presentation this year because of the strike. But that's okay. We’re used to not going to proms.

What do you mean there's no midseason?!

The last time the writers went out on strike it was March, right at the end of the TV season. We were out three months before the AMPTP even knew it. This time our work stoppage has caused a lot more havoc. January is traditionally the time when midseason shows premiere, existing hits resume with new episodes, and the Golden Globes herald in the much anticipated season of self-serving award shows. But not this year. Here in ’08 look for a barrage of reality shows, two or three remaining episodes of your favorite scripted shows, recycled cable series (CBS airs DEXTER but turns it into PG, which I suppose means instead of killing people he just lectures them), and AMERICAN IDOL. We all just take it for granted that TV’s second season begins in January. And it got me thinking – what else do we just take for granted? What else won’t we appreciate until they’re gone? Here are a few I’ve thought of. I’m sure you can provide more.


Vin Scully will always broadcast for the Dodgers.

Email will be free.

The Clintons will always be married.

That Twinkie you ate in 1993 will leave your system.

Major airlines will provide pillows and blankets for free.

Time won’t run out on Jack Bauer.

There will always be Yankee Stadium.

There will always be record stores.

“Paul Harvey…good day!”

Gasoline will always be at the bargain price of under four dollars a gallon.

Major sporting events will be on free TV.

You’ll be able to hear the Beatles on the radio.

Tattoos will always be in fashion.

There will be three new Woody Allen movies a year.

There will always be new games for your Playstation 2.

The Lakers will always finish higher than the Clippers.

Labor Day will mean the Jerry Lewis telethon.

There will always be newspapers.

Roger Clemens will be inducted into the Hall of Fame.

Sharon Stone will think you want to see her naked in a movie.

Splenda is good for you.

Manny will be Manny.

There will be anti-trust laws.

The New York Giants and New York Jets will always play in New Jersey.

HBO will always have better original shows than SHOWTIME.

There will always be one or two groups on tour calling themselves “the Beach Boys”.

There will be Marlins in Florida and Pirates in Pittsburgh.

Your little TV with rabbit ears will always get a signal.

You’ll love it at Levitz.

There will be a SAW VI.

There will be a ROCKY XXVI.

There will be rainforests.

There will be a New Orleans.

There will be a United States of America.

Overcoming Writers Block Part 2

Thanks again to all the writers who have contributed to this post. Again, for pictures I am offering incentives as to why you WANT to break through your writers block.

LLOYD GARVER (FRASIER, HOME IMPROVEMENT, ALF, THE NORM SHOW)

Years ago, I actually took a course about writer's block at UCLA extension. We were taught stuff that you and I pretty much already know: put anything down, keep moving forward, etc. One interesting thing was that many people are afraid to mess up the perfect blank page with what they think is shit (obviously, I'm not one of them), so they have a hard time getting started. This was in the pre-compute days, and the teacher suggested that those people draw on the paper, crumple it up, do anything so that it's not pristine. Then they won't feel like they're messing up a perfect page with their first draft attempt.

For me, if someone is paying me or even waiting or expecting what I'm writing, I have no or little trouble with writer's block. I'm motivated by fear -- "fear of getting in trouble," so I put something down.

Other things that I do if I get stuck -- if I've been sitting at the computer, I try writing longhand. Or I may try dictating into a tape recorder.

I do not use a yo-yo to relax me. (Note from me: I do.)

ALAN EISENSTOCK (MORK & MINDY, WHAT’S HAPPENING, author of nine books)

I've never had writer's block. Like some well-known writers, I have a trick. Hemingway supposedly sharpened pencils to get him going. Faulkner supposedly fucked and drank all night and started blasting away at his typewriter every morning. I've heard that Joyce Carol Oates runs five miles every morning.

Here's what I do.

I tape a copy of my mortgage statement above my computer.

Works like a charm.

PHOEF SUTTON (BOSTON LEGAL, CHEERS)

Sweating blood and hitting your head against the keyboard?
I'd have written sooner but I couldn't think of what to say.

MARC FLANAGAN (TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW, MURPHY BROWN, GRACE UNDER FIRE)

Is not writers block just a romantic notion, an artist in crisis, an excuse to drink absinthe or take some kind of drug...isn't it just a state of depression. I wrote an episode of "High Society", I was working on it as an Exec Prod. Jean Smart (so talented) played a trashy novelist ( a Jackie Collins type) and we tried to tell a story about her missing a deadline because of writers block. The story never took off, the lesson we learned was that writers block is neither dramatic or amusing, perhaps too internal a conflict... as a condition or a narrative device - it stinks.

RUSS WOODY (MURPHY BROWN, DREW CAREY SHOW, BECKER)

Here's some stuff that helps me:

Read--Classic novels, works you most admire; Joseph Heller, Hosseini, Hemingway, Palahniuk, Steinback, the greats. Spend a day or two just reading. Read as fast as you can. Gets the brain working faster.

Also--read books about writing. It can be very inspirational.

Journalize--write in a journal, no limits, no boundaries, no spelling worries, no censors, just write. About dreams, about things/people that make you angry. Write a letter to your dead mother, or mine. Or just write gibberish (to free yourself up). Write five pages of rambling, incoherent thoughts. Something will click.

Read biographies about great writers. Read about how they had blocks and drank themselves into oblivion or beat their wives or cats, or shot someone, or committed suicide. Makes you feel a little less alone. Except for the suicide thing.

Then rent the movies you most love/admire. Just watching them can spark other ideas, inspire, motivate.

But, mostly read. Read, read, read.

MIKE TEVERBAUGH (DREW CAREY SHOW, ALMOST PERFECT,

I walk. The anxiety becomes too much and I have to expend that energy by walking. That's one of the reasons I purchased one of the much-maligned Blackberries. I can type on it and make notes of whatever pops into my head while I'm out walking. I have, on occasion, been very rude to neighbors who see me out wandering around and want to join me. And then I spend the next hour obsessing about whether or not I've hurt their feelings. Anyway, that's what I do.

TOM CLEAVER (Roger Corman classics)

I personally think Hemingway had it right when he said a writer had to sit down in front of the typewriter for an hour every day at the same time, whether anything came out or not. Eventually it gets so boring sitting there, you come up with something. And then the good news is that computers make All Writing Is Rewriting so much easier, so you don't have to worry that everything appearing on the screen is gold.

I also have a rule when working: I can't go fuck off and do something enjyable till there are 5 pages done that day. Hopefully, things get good and the enjoyable thing to do that day is to write. But 5 pages a day will get you through to "fade to black."

JON SHERMAN (RULES OF ENGAGEMENT, FRASIER, SABRINA, blogger)

If by "writer's block" you mean hitting a wall on something, well, then I turn to other friends and/or family (some of whom are writers, some not) and bounce it off them to see what they think. I have one friend who loves it when I turn to him for ideas. Needless to say, he's an actor.

If, on the other hand you mean running out of ideas completely, well, then I would turn to my agency. They appear to have no shortage of (mostly crappy) properties. I was actually pitched "Life's Little Instruction Book" as a series because as one agent said, "every page in it is an episode idea!"

Yeah. Every episode in it is an episode idea. Just like every relative you have works someplace that "would make a great series!"

Except that what makes a great series isn't the idea, it's the execution. If all you needed was an idea, "Hello, Larry" (Following the breakup of his marriage, radio talk-show host moves from Los Angeles to Portland) and "Frasier" (Following the breakup of his marriage, psychiatrist moves from Boston to Seattle to become a radio talk-show host) would have had pretty equal success.

ALLAN KATZ (MASH, RHODA, MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, ROSEANNE)

If you don't care about the quality of what you write, writer's block is never a problem.

STEVE PETERMAN (HANNAH MONTANA, MURPHY BROWN, SUDDENLY SUSAN)

I get into a room with six other people and a clock. We look at the clock, realize that we don't possibly have enough time to write the next episode, let alone have a block about it, and then we write it.

ALEX EPSTEIN (Canadian screenwriter, author of excellent book: CRAFTY TV WRITING)

1. I turn off the wireless internet and force myself to actually focus on the problem. That cures most cases, which are really just letting distractions get in the way.

2. I find talking through the problem with my wife, or another writer, or an assistant, helps quite a bit.

3. Analyze the scene. What does each character want? What is the relevance of the scene to the overall piece? Actually writing down the bones of the situation often makes clear what I need to be writing.

4. Look at other people's work that's similar in genre. If I'm doing a horror comedy, I watch horror comedy.

5. Clean my desk (pay bills, etc.). Likewise, this results in a feeling of accomplishment, reduces angst, and gets the bills paid. The theory is that afterwards I'll be better able to focus on the writing. I'm not sure this is true, but I've got to pay the bills some time.

ME (you know the credits)

Start a blog.

Overcoming Writers' Block

First: A brief announcement. I hope to do another free Teleseminar in a few weeks, discussing writing and answering your questions. Anyone interested in the details (when they become available) just register at THE SITCOM ROOM site. If you've already registered no need to do it again. The last one was a lot of fun. I discussed stuff like this:
A reader asked how you overcome writers’ block. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Different writers use different methods. So instead of just sharing my approach I thought I’d ask a few working writers for their take. One said, “Music, crying, and/or Ativan. Any one, but preferably all.” Here are the others. Many thanks to the contributing scribes.

Note: As you know I like to include photos to spruce things up. But other than this spiffy cartoon I can't think of what to post about writers block. So instead I'll just offer pictures that might serve as incentives -- pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. You know me -- anything to help. Enjoy.

BILL KELLY (ENCHANTED)

I'm not sure I believe in it, at least for myself. To
me, "writers block" suggests a tormented artist
searching for the muse in some wretched Parisian
garret, which is a much more glamorous image then some
lazy slob splayed on the couch watching Love Boat
reruns instead of working (guess which one I am).

I'm not one of those people who "hate
writing". I just hate getting started. And you have
to write 'something', even if it's bad, in order to
have 'something' you can make better.

My work days usually find me trapped between the twin
tensions of my inherent laziness and my increasing
self-loathing that I haven't done anything yet.
Eventually, the self-loathing desperately overtakes me
and I start feverishly working.

Surprisingly, that's the best part of the day.

IAN GURVITZ (BECKER, WINGS, author: HELLO, LIED THE AGENT, writer/director of the feature LA BLUES, blogger)

I think the best solution is to do something else. Take a walk. Go shopping. Sleep. Anything that takes you away from the way you've been thinking about the problem because that road has run you into a wall and to continue to think that way will result in your just banging your head against the same wall, like the marching band during the riot scene of Animal House. Even though you can never really get your mind off it, doing some other activity often lets the mind settle so that whatever part of you that comes up with ideas can make new connections, which often results in a new way through the problem, whether it's a clever solution or deciding that the problem really didn't exist. If that doesn't work, then I would suggest just blasting your way through it and hope a connection hits you along the way. Or working on something else and seeing, over time, whether the story really wants to be written.

In either case, since a story rarely come out fully formed, these moments are simply part of the process and the desire or need to write it will drive you through. That is my assessment of writer's block and it is correct.

ELAYNE BOOSLER (writer/comedienne)

I feel one cannot hope to successfully write anything without first alphabetizing the linen closet.

DAVID POLLOCK (MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, MASH, FRASIER)

I completely give in to writers block and distract my mind by throwing myself into obtaining the answers to obscure research questions distantly related to the project. For example: Why was Schulyer Colfax kicked off the ticket as Vice Presidential running mate for Grant's second term? Who were the ten best righthand hitting Dodger left fielders who platooned with lefthand hitting Gene Hermanski in the late 1940s and early 50s? Which ethnic group was put out of business when the Vietnamese took over all the manicure boutiques. Etc., etc.

CHERI STEINKELLNER (CHEERS, BOB NEWHART, TEACHER’S PET, SISTER ACT (musical heading to Broadway)

Morning Pages (Julia Cameron, Artist's Way). I
don't do the full Artist's Way regime, and I usually
don't even do this - but when I do it usually works,
and is always interesting at the very least. Morning
Pages = free-writing 3 stream-of-consciousness
notebook pages first thing in the a.m., still in bed,
fresh from sleep and dreams, and not yet distracted by
the day's to-do list. It's a habit you need to get
into (and it's easier to get out of, that's for sure)
but it invariably gives more than it takes!

JANE ESPENSON (BUFFY, BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, GILMORE GIRLS, blogger)

I always tell people that nothing cures Writers' Block like having a job. If a script is due, if you HAVE to write it, then, magically, there is no block. Conversely, of course, writing projects of your own, spec projects with no deadline and no one waiting to read what you've done --- that gets harder after you've become used to hard deadlines and guaranteed payment. I force myself to complete those only sometimes -- when the idea strikes me as so good that I really feel driven to complete the project. Maybe, in cases like that, Writer's Block is actually acting as a good executive -- keeping me focused only on the best ideas!

ROB LONG (CHEERS, author: CONVERSATIONS WITH MY AGENT, host of MARTINI SHOT on NPR)

I give into it.

(Well, honestly, I've never experienced writers block, if by that you mean the desire to write but the inability to actually do it. I suffer from what experts call "laziness," which is a much different thing. I don't want to write. I can't really concentrate. I surf the web aimlessly. I lie about how much work I've done; I lie to editors about being "five minutes from emailing the piece"; I lie to myself, especially, when I say, "You know what? I'll get up early tomorrow and...")

LEE GOLDBERG (PSYCH, MONK, DIAGNOSIS MURDER, FAST TRACK feature, blogger)

I have never had writer's block...what I've had are scenes I couldn't make work...and that's almost always because the initial conception of the scene or story was flawed. Fix the structural problem and the "block" will disappear.

DAVE HACKEL (BECKER, WINGS, FRASIER)

No magic answer for this one. Mostly I try not to sit at my desk and try. I do anything else. Take a walk, go to the gym, read a book -- anything. I find that that's when the solution to what I'm blocked on comes to me -- when I'm not trying. Guess I can't take the pressure. And if I do sit and try to beat it, the only thing that works for me is to start posing questions to myself, i.e. pitch to myself. And just at it is in a writers' room, I pose everything I can think of from the ridiculous to the ridiculouser and shoot myself down mercilessly. In the end -- a solution comes because, quite frankly, it has to.

JENNIFER FISHER (TITUS, ELLEN, WANDA AT LARGE, HOME IMPROVEMENT)

I put my fingers on the keys and just start stream of consciousness typing everything I’m thinking about at that moment – the complete inner dialogue. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why haven’t you finished this yet? You can’t write. You’re an asshole. A lazy fucking asshole.” You know, all the good self-loathing usually comes to the surface first. And I’ll even write about the fact I have writer’s block and ask myself what it’s about, all the while typing it out. I just let all those voices tire themselves out and usually that unblocks me so the rest can flow.

Either that, or go to a movie so I can later lambaste myself for, once again, procrastinating.

More tomorrow.

Levine on the picket line

After a delightful holiday break it was back to the picket lines Monday. Very big turnout at 20th. Too big.

There was a guy wearing nothing but a speedo, necktie, black shoes and socks. It's shocking to think you’d see something like that in Los Angeles. He held a sign that said Computer.TV supports the writers. Just what we need – some idiot in a speedo supporting our cause. Actually, representing our cause since I’m sure he’ll be the sole focus of any news coverage. And you wonder why the AMPTP has zero respect for us.

Needless to say, the abuse he took on line was biblical. Giving a couple hundred disgruntled comedy writers a moron in a speedo is like giving a dog a pork chop.

Other topics discussed: Roger Clemens (guilty as hell), Hillary (lots of Captain Queeg comparisons), the Golden Globes cancellation (so something good has come out of this strike), NFL playoffs, Jimmy Kimmel appearing on Leno’s show (What a coup! Getting a guy who won’t be on TV again for at least two minutes), and Leno going on Kimmel’s show (because an hour of Jay just isn’t enough), LET THERE BE BLOOD and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN – two movies that the critics fawned all over but a lot of people on line hated, it’s time for Dick Clark to finally give up NEW YEAR’S ROCKIN’ EVE (I understand your reluctance to turn it over to Ryan Seacrest, Dick but really...it's time, buddy.), all the possible side deals the Guild is making with indie production companies like UA (hard to believe Tom Cruise is not aligning himself with Sumner Redstone), and Mike Huckabee crossing our picket line to go on THE TONIGHT SHOW and claiming he didn't "know" about the strike. Yeah, right. Which is why they hustled him in and out through the Univision entrance.   It's been in all the papers, Mike!

We’ve been on strike now for two months. 20th is on its fourth giant billboard already. Have we really been out since MR. MAGOO’S EMPORIUM or whatever the hell that bomb was?

20th was flying a frayed and torn American flag. Uh, isn’t that against the law? I’m just sayin’.

In a week or two I'm sure there will be seven AMERICAN IDOL billboards. It returns in a few weeks. FOX is counting on that to get huge ratings and bury the other networks who can’t compete because of the strike. One of the features of this blog is that I review AMERICAN IDOL after each performance show. Despite some flack I take for it, it’s my most popular feature of the year. Traffic goes way up, I acquire new readers, etc. But this season, as long as we’re on strike I don’t want to do anything to help promote a FOX show. So no AMERICAN IDOL reviews until this mess is resolved. Sorry fans. Hope you understand.

On my sportstalk show Sunday night on KABC I was heartened that no one wanted to discuss the AMERICAN GLADIATORS. This month we're in for a blizzard of new crummy reality shows. I hope they all fail.

Back at it tomorrow morning. It’s supposed to be colder. If the speedo cretin is there we can really test the theory of shrinkage.

"Shirking civic duty for 40, Alex."

I’m on call for jury duty this week. In LA county that means every night you call in and see if your group is required to report the next day. If it is you go to the courthouse and join a few hundred others cooling their heels. If you’re called for a trial you are then shuttled into a courtroom where lawyers and the judge question you and determine who will serve on the jury. If, at the end of that day you’re not selected you’ve completed your obligation. The city asks you to perform this civic duty once every year to eighteen months so that’s certainly reasonable. And I think if selected for a trial I get $15.00 a day, which would make me the highest paid non-Letterman writer in America if called. And almost pays for gas to the courthouse.

I’ve had jury duty several times but have never served on a jury. The closest I came was a few years ago in Van Nuys. I was herded into the courtroom with probably fifty others and told this was to be a gang related murder trial that would last four weeks. The woman judge asked if there was anyone who wanted out due to hardship. Thirty hands went up. I didn’t bother. “Planned trip to Spring Training” didn’t seem like it would fly.

One by one the alleged hardship cases filed into the judge’s chamber to plead their case and one by one their request was denied. A woman who was 8 1/2 months pregnant was not excused. Several self-employed people were not excused. Alex Trebek, the one celeb in our group, went in to see the judge. He was excused. What the fuck?! Will the nation’s literacy level go down two points if a JEOPARDY taping has to be postponed?

We were then given questionnaires to fill out. Profession, age, was anyone in our family a policeman, was anyone in our family shot be a policeman? That sort of thing.

The attorneys began individually questioning us. The pregnant woman had to use the bathroom in the middle of her session. She was using the bathroom every twenty minutes. Still, she got selected.

Another woman, who was maybe thirty, was asked if she had ever been on a jury before. “Yes” she said. When was it? About a year ago. Was there a verdict in the trial? Yes. What was the trial? A rape case. What was the verdict? She couldn’t remember. COULDN’T REMEMBER?! A woman couldn’t remember the verdict in a rape trial?! She was selected to the jury.

One man said he had been on a jury but only as an alternate. Was there a verdict in the trial? He said no but there sure as hell would have been had he been on the jury. He was excused.

They finally got to me. We were supposed to state our name, hometown residence, and profession. What I wanted to do was say, “Ken Levine, Los Angeles, the host of JEOPARDY” but I didn’t think it was worth going to jail for that joke. My interview was rather short. First question: “Do you have any trouble with people owning guns?” I said yes, I was a writer on MASH and… Before I could finish my thought: “Thank you. You’re excused.”

Unfortunately we can’t ask questions of them. We can’t say, “So is this trial going to be boring as shit or is it something that might be interesting?” “Will there be visuals?” “Can I stop you if I’ve already seen this on LAW & ORDER?” “Is it okay to wear my FREE THE CHICAGO SEVEN T-shirt?” “Can I still get text messages during the trial?” “At any point can I object?”

Anyway, if I ever was going to be on a jury now would be the perfect time – me being on strike and all. I just have to hope the attorney doesn’t ask if I wrote for MASH or reads my blog.

Love Letters

First, a self serving programming announcement. I will filling in Sunday night co-hosting the Sportstalk show on KABC radio in LA from 7-10 pm pst. You can also hear it here. Name me a better gig. I have to watch the NFL playoff games all weekend.

Feel free to call. 1-800-222-KABC. Surely I'll say enough stupid things that you'll have to correct me on.

LOVE LETTERS by A.R. Gurney is an enormously successful play. Ingenious in its design, an actor and actress sit at tables or stand at podiums and just read love letters. So no blocking or rehearsal or memorization is ever really needed. Actors can easily rotate in and out of the piece and frequently do. This can result in prestigious A-level actor pairings but there have also been productions by Charlton and Lydia Heston and Shirley Jones & Marty Ingells. Since I couldn’t attend either of those I shall wait to see LOVE LETTERS until one of the following pairings is announced:

Nick Counter & Lorena Bobbitt

Lars & the Real Girl

Amy Winehouse & Kenneth from 30 ROCK

James Wood & Sean Young

Paul McCartney & Heather Mills

Hillary Clinton & Barack Obama

Ann Coulter & Al Franken

Woody Allen & Mia Farrow

Sherri Shepherd & Gore Vidal

Kellie Pickler & Randy Jackson

Michael Jackson & Elizabeth Taylor

Billy Bob Thornton & Angelina Jolie

Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman

Whitney Houston & Bobby Brown

Mary Tyler Moore & Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Regis Philbin & Kelly Rippa

Dr. Laura & Dr. Phil

Liza Minelli & David Gest

Jack Klugman & Lauren Becall

Donnie & Marie

Bill Clinton & (the voice of) Monica Lewinsky

Paula Abdul & Simon Cowell

Lou Ferrigno & Marlie Matlin

Andrew Dice Clay & Amy Grant

Bjork & Bob Dylan

Katie Couric & Walter Cronkite

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt

Richard Hatch & Tonya Harding

The President of Iran & Rene Taylor

Robin Williams

What if they gave an awards ceremony and no one came?

Golden Globe nominated actors are expected to skip the ceremony in support of the Writers Strike. “Accepting the award for Denzel Washington – Warner Elementary School crossing guard, Harold Rumplemeyer.”

NBC however, insists that the show will go on. But instead of the Grand Ballroom at the Beverly-Wilshire hotel, the ceremony will be held in the back room of the Shakey’s Pizza parlor on Fairfax and Olympic.

Why is this important? Because studios use these bogus awards to help promote their movies. No ratings = no boxoffice spike. And should the Oscars be boycotted by stars then the effect is major.

I’m reminded of the 1980 Primetime Emmys when SAG was on strike. The show was hosted that year by local KNBC news anchor, Kelly Lange. The only actors who showed were Powers Booth and Yoko Shimada, an actress they dragged over from Japan who was appearing in NBC’s upcoming miniseries SHOGUN.

My sincere thanks to SAG for supporting our strike and realizing that our fight is their fight…and everyone’s fight.

Leno and Letterman are back

Letterman and Leno are back.

Letterman now has writers. Letterman can now get the big guests guilt free. Letterman’s quips are as funny and inspired as ever.

And Leno still kicks his ass.

It’s time to call it, ladies and gents. After fourteen straight years of winning night after night after night and now finishing first with his writers tied behind his back -- Jay Leno is the king of late night. CBS will claim it’s still too early to make that call, and the public just needs to become more aware of Dave, but who are we kidding? Give Letterman the Emmys, give Leno the crown. And CBS should save that spin for Katie Couric.

Personally, I question the wisdom of the WGA's decision to grant Letterman’s company a waiver allowing his (and Craig Ferguson’s) writers to go back to work. At a time when the Guild is trying desperately to maintain unity, letting some writers go back to work while everyone else can’t is potentially very damaging. And it’s not like morale is at an all-time high anyway. Despite those stirring chants.

Supposedly the big rationale for the waiver is that it will lift Letterman's ratings, and NBC-Universal-GE will see its long time franchise, THE TONIGHT SHOW finally collapse after 40 golden years and so to avoid that calamity the network will press the other death stars to make a settlement. Considering Letterman's track record that feels a little like Wile E. Coyote sending away for the ACME Strike Solution Kit.

And yet, I shall continue to follow the marching orders. I’ll be out there again Monday with my trusty sign (unless I have jury duty in which case I’ll long to be out there with my trusty sign). I’ll be picketing the Golden Globes (of course I do that every year whether there’s a strike or not). And I hope that any member who, like me, is uneasy with this waiver move will still consider the bigger issues and stand strong with the rest of us.

Oh, and how dumb is NBC? How do they recognize and reward Jay Leno, this juggernaut who has preserved their franchise beyond their wildest dreams? By booting him out in 2009.

These are the people we’re negotiating against. Hang in there members. And Dave.

Walk Hard: the Dewey Cox Story

For whatever reason moviegoers do not want to see WALK HARD. You’d think it was DEUCE BIGELOW 4 or a Tom Cruise Iraq War movie. Frankly I’m surprised. How could a comedy by Judd Apatow (THIS year) that got good reviews and co-stars Jenna Fischer be such a bomb? P.S. I LOVE YOU did better business the first weekend with toxic reviews and Hilary Swank cast as a comedienne for godsakes!

So when I watched WALK HARD I couldn’t help being somewhat distracted trying to figure out what went so horribly wrong. I mean, no less an authority than ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY crowned Judd Apatow as the current smartest man in Hollywood.

Here’s what I thought. There are some huge laughs in it. That alone should attract more people than P.S. I LOVE YOU. There’s probably an hour of funny stuff. How many comedies today can say that? The trouble is the movie feels like it’s three hours. My standard complaint with Apatow movies is that they’re too long but this time the length really drags down the material.

But since the movie was dead on arrival, it had to be something else. Was it the paper thin premise? Spoofing a genre the kids obviously don’t give a shit about? The time period (although that same era didn’t seem to hurt DREAMGIRLS or HAIRSPRAY)? Was it John C. Reilly? Does he just not connect with young audiences (although he was fantastic)? If Will Ferrell played the part would the movie have done better? Did the trailer turn people off? Did they sense repetition? Did the jokes get old even after 45 seconds?

I dunno. It’s a puzzler. But then again I’ll never make ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY’S smartest list. Or sexiest list.

Would love to hear your views.

I will say this: Paul Rudd as John Lennon was HILARIOUS. Maybe if Apatow had done that as a movie...

Juno

2007 was a great year for screen comedies. SUPERBAD, KNOCKED UP, WALK HARD (my review tomorrow), ENCHANTED, RATATOUILLE, THE SIMPSONS MOVIE, WAITRESS, and DAN IN REAL LIFE. They almost make up for GEORGIA RULE and I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK & LARRY.

And now comes JUNO. Yes, you’ve heard the hype. It’s the critics’ darling, and writer Diablo Cody is being hailed as the new voice of her generation (even though she writes about a different generation), so there’s every reason to go into the theatre expecting a big loud thud. But surprise surprise, it was not a major letdown. It was actually…good. Very good even. One of my top ten favorites of the year.

The subject was teen pregnancy. Juno gets pregnant and (SPOILER ALERT) has a baby.

It was funny, touching, quirky – everything every indie movie says they are but aren’t. The dialogue just crackles although I have to stop short of saying Cody is this remarkable fresh new voice because Don Roos writes in the same style (see THE OPPOSITE OF SEX). But boy can she write. As good as the movie was I enjoyed reading the screenplay more.

Cody did so many things right. She created vivid unique characters, gave them major problems, took them on emotional journeys, had a strong point of view, and was smart enough to construct a simple story. It was easy to follow, tracked, and built to a satisfying conclusion. It sounds simple but so many spec screenplays are so complicated you can’t follow them without a code book.

I could see why director Jason Reitman responded to this material. Anytime you can get to page 50 without having to say, “What the hell is this movie about?” you know you’ve got a potential winner.

Cody was very lucky in that her script fell into the right hands with Reitman. The cast, tone, and look of the film was pitch perfect. God forbid if the Farrelly brothers had made this movie there’d be a fifteen minute water breaking set piece with people slipping on the embryonic fluid. But Reitman stays true to the material and doesn’t try to add his own “special touch”, which is Hollywood-speak for fucking up the picture.

Ellen Page was sensational as Juno. It was so nice not to see Mandy Moore in the role (as a major studio would have insisted). And who knew? Jennifer Garner can really ACT? I think with this film she’ll now start getting the roles Julia Roberts used to get and thinks she’s still young enough to get (sorry Julia, mother and congresswoman parts await).

The only thing I will say is don’t expect JUNO to be some groundbreaking movie that will change the industry and you forever. But seeing a smart original little film with a great script and performances should be enough, right?