My favorite schlocky movie

A number of you have asked what is my favorite schlocky movie? That would have to be the Roger Corman 1975 masterpiece, DEATH RACE 2000. It's your typical low budget exploitation science fiction apocalyptic violent cross country auto race romp. The tagline:

IN THE YEAR 2000 HIT AND RUN DRIVING IS NO LONGER A FELONY. IT'S A NATIONAL SPORT!

I have to love a movie where the Real Don Steele's name is on the one-sheet but Sylvester Stallone's is not. (The above poster hangs in my office.)

The delightful confection of a story is that there is a cross country race in modified Batmobiles and the drivers get additional points for running down pedestrians. (Hey, don't laugh. It's still a better premise than the last RAMBO.)

Here is a sample.

Warning: Not for the squeamish -- and by that I mean anyone who can't bear to watch really bad cheesy special effects.

Fragments or smaller...

I’m going to need therapy for Separation Anxiety when IN TREATMENT goes off the air. And I know I’m a bad person but I still hate Sophie. Just once wouldn’t you love to see a scene where a psychiatrist says to a teenage patient, “the problem isn’t your parents or the environment. It’s that you’re a fucking Emo bitch!!”?

So AMERICAN IDOL announced their mentors for this season. Mariah Carey will instruct the kids on proper diet techniques, plastic surgery options, how to marry the best Svengali, and preferred diva bad behavior. And I’m sorry Amanda Overmyre was voted off before she could sing one of mentor Andrew Lloyd Weber’s tunes on “Plagiarism Week”.

Miley Cyrus gets immortalized in wax at Madame Tussauds in New York this week. And speaking of wax figures, Dolly Parton will be another AMERICAN IDOL mentor.

The baseball players union is looking into possible collusion charges to explain why Barry Bonds -- under indictment by the Grand Jury, universally loathed, now old, and too big to fit into any uniform – hasn’t been signed to a big deal by a major league team. Collusion charges are also being investigated regarding the non-signing of F.P. Santangelo and Stan Musial.

LOST this season has been phenomenal! Every episode has had a mind-blowing ending. Especially last week's with Sun & Jin. And I keep watching the flash-forwards hoping to see if gas prices ever go down.

Career goal I can strike off my list: TV game show panelist/personality. But the dream is still alive to become a Mouseketeer.

ABC will carry the presidential debate on April 15th. Judges determining the winner will be Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba, and Bruno Tonioli.

The opening weekend of March Madness – the only orgy your wife will let you attend.

I hate myself for laughing but KLAC sportstalk host Big Joe McDonnell said this about the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce settlement: she made a lot of money for spreading her leg.

Can you Digg it? Part II

Having me explain this is like Kellie Pickler asked to explain Quantum Physics but my good buddy (Ken's Damn Friend) explained there are ways to attract new readers. There are websites that alert people to interesting features or articles they might not otherwise find. So KDF installed this little Bookmark icon at the bottom of each post. If you like a particular post you can click on it and then click on any number of aggregator sites (Digg being one of them).

What happens as a result? I haven't a fucking CLUE. But it's supposed to be good.

Thanks for your support and my real daily post/rant is right below.

Open letter to airlines: we hate you

Major airlines spend billion of dollars annually on splashy ad campaigns trying to get our business. “Friendly Skies”, “Doing what we do best”, blah blah blah. . And no one’s buying it. In fact, we all hate you. Traveling is now an ordeal and you’re a big part of it. Security lines are a pain but that’s fifteen minutes. The rest of the six hour wisdom tooth extraction is all you. If airlines really want our patronage and loyalty, save the ad budget. There are better uses for that money. Just adopt the following simple policies.

TALK TO US – Even if it’s five announcements in five minutes. We hate to be left in the dark. Don’t worry that the news will upset us. What we’re conjuring up is far worse.

Pilots are real chatty on the PA when they’re pointing out the sites of Lubbock, Texas on your left, but when we’re just stuck at the gate, and we see maintenance men and guys with clipboards coming in and out of the cockpit, tell us what the fuck is going on. When we’re stuck on the tarmac for a half hour let us know why. It’s not like you’re busy. You’re just sitting there in idle like the rest of us.

When our flight is delayed and a hundred frustrated people are milling around the gate, would it kill you to give us an update? You say you do but trust me, YOU DON’T. Instead we have to go up to the counter so you can blow us off individually.

We’re not just doing this to annoy you. Many of us have connections to make.

TELL US THE TRUTH – Not every flight is delayed due to weather at O’Hare. There has to be a different reason the Sydney to Tokyo flight is cancelled. And get your stories straight. Ask two airline officials why a certain flight is delayed and invariably you’ll hear weather problems from one and maintenance problems from the other. (And the truth of course is neither)

Also, you KNOW when a flight gets in late that is supposed to turn right around it’s going to be late taking off again. First you assure us it’ll still get off as scheduled and then you systematically push back the departure time every fifteen minutes. It’s going to take off an hour late. You know this. Tell us.

Arrival times are now padded to make it appear more flights are on time. Don’t crow about your sparkling on-time record. We know it’s bullshit.

One airline justified its charging extra for heavier luggage because they were concerned for their baggage handlers, worried that the additional strain would result in back problems. But that extra fee we pay, does it go directly to the baggage handlers? Does ANY of it go to them, even indirectly? No. Of course not. Just who do you think you’re kidding?

Passengers are tired of being lied to. You must either hold us in contempt or think we’re all really stupid. Either way you have let the credibility gap widen to the length of a cross-country flight.

PRETEND THAT YOU CARE – Okay, we get it that you don’t. That’s very clear. And you’re in a quandary. If you do pretend you give even the slightest rat’s ass about us then you’re not telling the truth again. We’ll give you a pass on this one. I can’t say just act pleasant, that might not compute. So just act like you would if you wanted something from someone.

Now of course I understand that not all airline employees are like this. Some are lovely compassionate people who genuinely want to help. Have them wear badges so the others can see whom to emulate.

Look real busy and active so you give the impression you care that the flight gets off on time. Recently I was on a delayed flight and of course told the reason was weather at O’Hare (I was flying to Hawaii). Then I overheard the counter agents say the pilot was late. He hadn’t shown up yet. Fifteen minutes later this guy strolls in with a Starbucks coffee he must’ve waited in line ten minutes for. Two hundred people arrive late, half of them miss their connecting flights because the woman ahead of the pilot had to ask which muffins were diet.

IF YOU’RE GOING TO CHARGE EXTRA FOR A PIECE OF LUGGAGE THERE SHOULD BE A BIG PENALTY IF IT DOESN’T ARRIVE -- And I don’t mean within the month. I mean on THAT flight. It’s bad enough you lose our bags but now we have to pay you for the privilege?

IF THE FLIGHT IS DELAYED GIVE US THE FUCKING SNACK PACKS FOR FREE. Half the passengers won’t take them anyway because they’re disgusting at any price, even free but it’s a nice gesture.

HAVE ENOUGH BLANKETS AND PILLOWS. You had ‘em before.
GIVE US THE AMENITIES WE WANT. For instance -- snacks
with our drinks. A little bag of peanuts. Those stale pretzel sticks. Is that too much to ask? You say you’re trying to save money? Shit can the goddamn Sky Mall magazine.

And finally….please PLEASE….

STOP APOLOGIZING – It’s so disingenuous and patronizing. You’re not sorry. Not in the least. If you were you’d adopt the above guidelines. And everyone knows you won’t.

That's all. You're now free to go about screwing the public.

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 11

I think there were one or two product placement ads in the show this week. But they were handled so subtly and deftly it was hard to even notice.
Yeah yeah yeah!

It was Beatles night again. The producers paid for that songbook and by God they were going to use it! Last week it worked great. This week it was the Camp Chippewa talent show for parents weekend. The judges were right that the song selections were bad. If only the contestants had come to me first.

Amanda Overmyre sang “Back in the U.S.S.R.” She should have sung “I Want to be Your Man”. Every Amanda performance is the same. But don’t take my word for it. Go to iTunes and download her songs today!

Kristy Lee Cook – So many better songs she could have chosen besides “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”. For example: “I’m a Loser”, “Don’t Bother Me”, “The End”, and of course, “You say Hello and I say Goodbye”. Terrible again. Wants to be Carrie Underwood. Instead she’s Carrie Stiffaswood. You can read all about Carrie Underwood and all other American Idols by going to my blog -- Kenlevine.blogspot.com – and writing “American Idol” in the search box. Or you can text the words “Ken Levine Carrie Blog Idol pitchy.”

American Osmond, David Archuleta rebounded nicely after last Tuesday’s misstep. This week he sounded as good as the fidelity you’ll get in your new AT&T Nokia phone. His “Long and Winding Road” was the best performance of the night. I like David but there’s something unsettling about him. It’s always the nice, sweet, perfect boys who get caught wearing their mothers’ clothes.

Michael John tried to condense “Day in the Life” into 90 seconds thus making it “Couple Hours in the Life”. It’s the first time I’ve ever heard a medley of one song. Total disaster. Michael must feel pretty low right now. But you know what would perk him right up? An ice cold Coca Cola! Unlike his horrible rendition of a Beatles classic, Coke is the real thing!

Brooke White – This week we discovered her Achilles Heel and it turns out it IS her Achilles Heel. Brooke can sing but she can’t move. Fine when she’s at the piano, a Clydesdale when she has to dance. She sang “Here Comes the Sun” and was not great. But to her credit, she acknowledged that. I love her honesty. Every week she somehow wins me over – the way Ford will win you over when you take a test drive of the new Mustang! Or, go to Kenlevine.blogspot.com and just order one!

Simon was right about David Cook. He’s not as good as he thinks he is. Paula jabbered on for five minutes about the ear monitors some of the contestants wear to better hear themselves sing. David Cook must wear his 24/7. He did “Daytripper” but not the Beatles arrangement. He chose the better-known and far superior Whitesnake version. But you can download both on itunes and judge for yourself! And you can then vote by going to Kenlevine.blogspot.com.

I finally figured out who Carly Smithson reminds me of – Divine in a dark wig. This week she unveiled her new “7” tattoo on her knuckle – in honor of the number of colors now available for the new ipod mini! She did a nice job with “Blackbird” although Simon took issue with the song selection and I must agree. A better ballad would have been “I Am the Walrus”. Has there ever been a better, more heart tugging lyric for a torch singer than, “Yellow matter custard/dripping from a dead dog’s eye”?

Carly’s “7” tattoo could also be referring to the IQ of Jason Castro. He butchered “Michelle” and didn’t know that “ma belle” was French. He thought it was “Michelle, my bell” and what woman wouldn’t melt being compared to a fire alarm? Speaking a “ma bell”, AT&T has the fewest dropped calls! Go to Kenlevine.blogspot.com and find out more!

Syesha Mercado whined through “Yesterday” as she whines through every song. But at least she dropped the Don King hair.

Chikezie is trying to stand out. There’s no question about that. But unlike the new Ford Mustang that stands out because it’s classic design mixed with modern technology, Chikezie’s version of “I’ve Just Seen Her Face” was a blend of Baby Face and Country Bear Jamboree. Last week he had a fiddle, this week a harmonica. I can’t wait until next week when he trots out the Latin zither for “Beatles-songs-covered-by-other-artists” week.

And finally, Ramiele Malubay who took ass kissing and boot licking to a new level by emulating Paula Abul. What was with that stupid hat? She sang “I Should Have Known Better”, which she should have. A Beatles song more in line with her personality would be “I’ll Cry Instead”.

All in all this was a lackluster week -- worthy of the Freddy & the Dreamers songbook. So who do I think will go home this week? I’ll let you know… after the break.

MASH writers reunion

Pictured L to R: Burt Metcalfe, David Pollock, Tom Reeder (partially hidden), Elias Davis, me, Karen Hall, Mike Farrell, Gary Markowitz, Dan Wilcox, Thad Mumford, Rick Mittleman, John Rappaport, Burt Prelutsky, Larry Balmagia, David Isaacs, Allan Katz, Gene Reynolds.

Thanks to the Writers Guild for organizing a recent MASH writers reunion. It was great to see everyone, I’m honored to be in their company, and I still have notes on all of their drafts.

The purpose of the reunion was that the WGA is trying to get a “Fair Market Value” bill passed through the California legislature (Bill #1765 if you're scoring). Here’s why:

A studio like 20th Century Fox produces a big hit like MASH. Some of the members of the creative staff (in this case Alan Alda and Larry Gelbart) have an ownership piece of the series. 20th offers the show for syndication. There’s a bidding war. They take the best offer – a huge windfall. Alan and Larry share in the largesse. And since residual rates depend on the deal – actors, writers, and directors receive nice royalties. Everyone wins.

But now these studios are all swallowed up by mega conglomerates. And agendas change.

20th becomes the property of News Corp. News Corp. wants to start a cable network (FX). They need programming. MASH would be perfect. So instead of renewing a rich syndication deal, they sell it essentially to themselves for nothing. Now the profit participants get nothing. News Corp. receives all advertising revenue from MASH and uses the show to lure viewers and build their cable network. Ultimately, the cable network will be more profitable to the conglomerate than the syndication sale. Residuals are smaller and the creators get screwed.

That’s what News Corp. did with MASH and X-FILES, and Universal did with WILL & GRACE. In all three cases the profit participants sued and each received a giant settlement. The congloms have done this with other series and have gotten away with it because the cost of litigation is so high.

So the Guild is trying to prevent this practice in the future. And this bill would go a long way towards that end. Over the next couple of months we MASH writers will be going to Sacramento to plead our case to state legislatures. We might even get to see the Governor if we promise to say we didn't hate AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS.

What does it say when we have to get an actual law passed because “everyone wins” just isn’t good enough for them?

Note: A number of readers have asked how they can help. Bless you. We need people to send letters to state senator Sheila Kuehl in support. I've provided a sample letter in the comments section. Thanks.

Note #2: Next up: A recap of tonight's AMERICAN IDOL. I hope it's all ice skating music night.

If a major studio gave notes on JUNO

Diablo Cody won an Oscar for the screenplay of JUNO. Whether you like the movie or not you’ve got to agree that the film had a distinctive voice and clear vision. But that’s because it was sold to an independent. If Cody had sold the spec script to a major Hollywood studio however, this is the notes memo I imagine the producer would receive:

First of all the title is confusing. JUNO. It’s the same name as that city in Alaska, even spelled the same way. Research tells us that Nina is a popular name with the target demographic. Also Kristin, Chloe, and Caitlin (but with a C, not a K).

When Juno says “it all started with a chair”, we’re missing an opportunity for a block comedy scene and a trailer moment by not seeing the actual sex act between Juno and her boyfriend. Make it funny and not explicit of course. We’re missing a bet for physical comedy – two horny teenagers, a chair – imagine young versions of Jim Carrey and Carol Burnett. Wow!

In this current draft the parents react to Juno’s pregnancy announcement by accepting it. This seems false. We’ve certainly never seen a scene like this. We believe they should be furious. Unless they really scream at Juno we don’t believe they love her.

The very notion of an abortion clinic is a downer. Not to mention controversial. Do we even have to raise this issue? How ever they handled it in KNOCKED UP, just do that.

Are there really cheeseburger phones? Let’s just make it a cellphone so we can sell the product placement.

Can Juno’s girlfriend be funnier? Give her a “tude” as the kids say. As it is now she’s just supportive and quirky and allows Juno to describe her true feelings so what’s the point?

We love when Juno’s mother tells off the ultra-sound person. Do more of that. Let her tell off Juno’s teachers. Let her tell off the kids who don’t approve of Juno. It’s even worth adding characters so the mom can tell them off too.

You set up this great potential relationship with Juno and the yuppie husband but never pay it off. What if they sleep together? Think of all the fun complications that could cause. Not to mention all the possibilities for comedy. Sex with someone with a big belly – clumsily trying to find a good position, she could be on top of him and crush him with her weight, he could hurt his back. Again, nothing explicit but there’s got to be a way of making sex with a middle aged man and a pregnant teenager hysterical.

At the end the teen boyfriend/father should declare that he won’t let Juno give away her baby – THEIR baby. Just picturing that moment gives us chills. And when Juno sees her baby for the first time, her heart melts…and trust us, test scores will go right through the roof. Juno realizes there’s no way she could give up this precious child to someone else and she and the father agree to raise it themselves. It’s more satisfying and sets us right up for the sequel. Remember, we’re not making movies, we’re making franchises.

Casting: Ellen Page will not sell tickets. We’ve taken the liberty of slipping the script to Miley Cyrus along with a firm offer. If she passes we feel Amy Adams could play young.

We like your suggestion of Jennifer Garner but not as the yuppie wife. The part of Juno’s mother is bigger and has that great scene with the ultrasound technician. Not that Allison Janney isn’t a gifted actress but with that much screen time we’d prefer someone who is more attractive. Jason Bateman we’ve never heard of. We understand he comes from television. Ben Affleck would be a better choice. For the friend we envision that girl from HAIRSPRAY. The minute you see her on the screen you know – comic relief.

Jason Reitman is a talented director but very “independenty”. Tom Shadyac is looking for something after EVAN ALMIGHTY. We’ve been trying to get into business with him since THE NUTTY PROFESSOR. This could be the project. We’ve also taken the liberty of making a firm offer.

And finally, the dialogue in this script is way too stylized. Half the time we have no idea what the characters are saying. We have grave concerns that this baby writer does not have the skill or experience to elevate this script to the level of AMERICAN PIE, which is how we envision it. We strongly recommend you replace her. We have a list of approved writers – all Ferrally Brothers veterans.

JUNO has the chance to become a breakout hit. Funny, provocative, and deeply touching. But first we have to change it radically from its present form.

Notes from the front: our pilot pitch meetings

Now that the strike is over writers are beginning to come up with pilot ideas for next season. To help get you in the mood, here are a few things that happened to me and my partner during some of our network pitch sessions:

We had to pitch a pilot the day after 9-11. The VP cried. (We sold it)

We pitched ABC (years and many executives ago) and started with a joke. We said we had an idea that was tailor made for their network. We called in “Tuesday Night Football”. The girl with the pad was writing it down as if we were serious. (We didn’t sell the idea or TNF that day.)

Our PA on CHEERS who used to get us lunch became the VP of comedy at a major network. We had to pitch our PA. (No sale. But we were offered drinks.)

The comedy VP (who later became the president of that network) once asked us “What is the opening episode of the seventh season?” Huh??? How the fuck do you answer that? We said “the clip show, featuring all the highlights of the many Emmy winning episodes.” (No sale)

This happened several times: The VP hears our pitch then says they bought something just like it only yesterday. But if it’s any consolation ours is better. Oh yeah. Tremendous consolation. That’s like “if I hadn’t met your brother first I would have slept with you.”

We were overseeing two young writers. The studio rep began the meeting by introducing all of us to the network people by saying, “So with Ken & David we have the old with the new.” Jesus! Why not just say, “we went over to the broadcast museum and dug up the guys who wrote MR. PEEPERS”?

We had a great pitch once. The VP called to say it’s not final but we were on “the one yard line”. Turns out we hit a tough goal line stance. And the clock ran out.

We pitched a show that took place between midnight and six. The network said, “We LOVE it. We’ll buy it. Only one small alternation. Can it not take place between midnight and six?” Uh, then what are you buying? They weren’t sure but they liked the area. (No sale there but we did sell it elsewhere.)

Easiest pitch we ever had -- David Isaacs, Robin Schiff, and I went into CBS to pitch ALMOST PERFECT. We said, “a young woman – on the day she gets the job of her life meets the guy of her life. How does she juggle the two?” SOLD. Just like that.

And finally, how original do the ideas have to be? In 1976 we sold our first pilot to NBC. It was called BAY CITY AMUSEMENT COMPANY. The premise was a behind-the-scenes look at SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. Considering they had two shows on the air last season with that exact same premise I’d say just pick up our show instead. Unfortunately, 30 ROCK is better than our show, and half of our cast is now dead.

Tomorrow: What if a major Hollywood studio gave notes on JUNO?

Ohmygod! What were they thinking???

As the Dodgers play two exhibition games in China this weekend (and I know you'll join me for Dodger Talk on KABC at 1:30 in the morning) here is a 1986 music video that the then-Dodgers made that probably set the franchise back ten years. Gather your friends, hang your best disco ball, and dance along to the BASEBALL BOOGIE.

Flexing my WINGS

Channel surfing recently I came upon the first episode of television I ever directed – a WINGS. It was also one of my toughest. Complicated crowd scenes, a stunt, dream sequence, a difficult actor, and that was nothing compared to the “new scene”.

For a neophyte multi-camera director, camera blocking is a nightmare. The show is performed like a play in front of a live audience. Four cameras are going simultaneously, recording all the action. You have to make sure everything is covered, you have all your close ups and reactions. This requires methodical instructions to each cameraman for every little move or change in the scene. You must also anticipate action, like having a camera already in place for a character’s entrance. It’s a complicated maddening process when you’re new and don’t know shit.

I’ve now directed 50 episodes. I can camera block a show now in about 4 or 5 hours. Back then it took 12 – and I was jamming! Jimmy Burrows can do it in like eleven minutes.

So getting back to my WINGS. On show night we had our standard dress rehearsal at 3. The actors broke for dinner and make-up at 5. The writers went back to the room to do their customary polish – a new line here or there.

At 6:30 the audience began filing in. At 6:35 I received the revised pages. And to my horror discovered…they added a whole new scene!! I can’t rehearse it or block it because the audience has already arrived. I came very close to wetting myself.

What I decided to do was go backstage, gather the actors in the scene, and roughly block it out in the wardrobe room. Then I went to the cameramen and told them basically what was going to happen and asked them to just get what they could. After the show when the audience had left I’d go back and stage and block it properly.

So the filming began. I was sitting in front of the quad split – a bank of four monitors that show what each camera is shooting. Next to me was the NBC executive assigned to the show.

Things were moving along. There was a big mishap in the first scene when Crystal Bernard accidentally flipped a whole birthday cake over but we had another one and the clip was shown for years on blooper shows so I’ve made some royalties.

And then we came to the “new scene”. It basically played well for the audience but you should have seen the quad split. Cameras were swishing around, only getting the top of heads, framing shots in bizarre positions, weird tilts, missing the actors completely, changing sizes on the fly. It was utter madness. Not having been briefed, the NBC exec almost flew out of his chair. When the scene was over he was so apoplectic he couldn’t speak. Sensing this, I decided to have a little fun.

I called out, “Okay, moving on. I got what I need. I’m happy.” As the cameras rolled to their next scene marks the NBC guy almost had a heart attack. I told him I was going for something stylistic and when it was all put together it would look great. What’s the point of directing if you can’t leave your mark? The show runners and writing staff picked up on what I was doing and all chimed in their support. For the rest of the show this network guy just paced.

He was very relieved when we finally let him in on the joke. So relieved that he didn’t even bother to stick around for the re-blocking and shooting of the scene. I think his exact words were, “Anything’s gotta be better than that crap you shot before”.

What director wouldn’t be over-the-moon THRILLED with that vote of confidence?

The Sunshine Boys of Summer

One of the joys of my new assignment as host of Dodger Talk on KABC is getting to go to spring training in Florida, and one of my joys as a dad is being able to bring my son along with me. For five days Matt and I drove around the state, went to ballgames, watched ballplayers in their natural habitat, and bonded as only a father and son can at Hooters.

First stop was Ft. Myers. As a blog reader reminded me, it’s in the county with the highest foreclosure rate in the nation. Every county wants to be number one.

Ft. Myers is the spring home of the Minnesota Twins and Boston Red Sox. I saw a thousand people wearing Red Sox hats and jerseys. The only time I saw the Twins logo was on a really scary rally monkey in a CVS pharmacy.

Stayed at the LaQuinta Inn. There’s a sign in the elevator: “In case of fire – RUN”.

People think of Ft. Myers as a beach community, a golf community. No, it’s the home of furniture stores. Hundreds and hundreds of furniture stores. No wonder there’re so many foreclosures. In every condo there must be seven divans, eleven coffee tables, and three dining room sets. Who has anything left over for mortgage payments?

Ft. Myers is also where Thomas Edison invented the phonograph so it’s the birthplace of music piracy.

Hit the Dodgers-Red Sox game on Thursday at City of Palms Park, not too far from the estate of noted anti-semite Henry Ford. It was a typical well-played spring game with the Dodgers scoring seven runs in the ninth inning off of two pitchers who will spend the summer as mop up men in a beer league.

Convenience stores don’t get robbed enough that a Florida chain had to name theirs “Grab n’ Go”?

On Friday we hit the ATM machine at the Fifth Third Bank (I’d hate to be the voice-over announcer doing those commercials), took in the Red Sox game, and sat with ESPN baseball guru Peter Gammons who told us some great stories like the kid who played winter ball in Venezuela and mailed an entire shipment of cocaine to the team’s spring training ballbpark. He’s in the outfield one day and seven federal agents call time and take him away in handcuffs.

The three-hour drive across the state through “Deliverance Country” went without incident. No banjos, no townfolk who make Henry Ford seem like the B’nai Brith Man of the Century.

You think I’m kidding? There’s a Yeehaw Junction.

Based on a three star rating, we checked into the Windsor Garden Hotel in Palm Beach Gardens. Their slogan: “Taste and see the artistry”. Our tiny room was practically on the highway. We could see and taste the artistry of fumes. There went one star.

Since it was Friday night and even the Outback Steakhouse had a 70 minute wait (Why??? It’s an Outback Steakhouse!), we decided to give the hotel’s highly regarded restaurant a try. It was five tables and a bar filled with loud drunks from Ohio. The waiter was also the one bartender and I imagine the fine chef. There went star number two.

Later in the room, I stepped into the bathroom to discover water pouring down from the ceiling. A virtual waterfall that destroyed all of my toiletries. We were moved to an ugraded room. Next to the drunks from Ohio. Three stars and you’re out.

Caught up with the Dodgers again Saturday at Jupiter to play the Cardinals and do my first of two daily radio shows. There was nowhere to sit. You’d think with all those goddamn furniture stores in this state they would have a few chairs.

NFL icon Bill Parcells was in the next booth with Tommy Lasorda. They played a three-hour game of “Can you top this?” Tommy won because he now has his own brand of wine. I so wish I were making that up.

In the 7th inning a vendor yelled out, “Last call for beer and soda!” Soda??? People can’t drink soda after 3 PM?

On to Vero Beach after the game. Thought I saw one motorist off to the side failing a breathalyzer test for having one Pepsi too many.

Matt, my broadcast partner Josh Suchon, and I went to grab a fast bite before our radio show. We made the colossal mistake of going to Applebee’s. Yes it had tiffany lamps and was very colorful. But as the saying goes: “you can put lipstick on a pig, it’s a still a pig.” The worst service ever from a staff that collectively was dumber than Kellie Pickler. The food, when it finally arrived after an hour, was essentially army chow with fun names. As we were leaving, one of the Dodgers was coming in. We told him, “No!! Go back! Go somewhere else!” He did. I consider it a favor worthy of his next World Series ring.
This is probably the Dodgers’ final season at Vero Beach. For 60 years they’ve been coming to this converted World War II naval base and it is finally sinking in why the Navy chose this location. It takes forever to get to it. No Axis Power army would bother. So you can understand why even die hard fans from Los Angeles go as far as the Epcot Center and stop.

But if you do arrive it is baseball heaven. Fans can stand right by the batting cages and practice fields. It’s your chance to call a guy “a piece of shit” and have him actually hear it!

Streets in the complex are named after Dodger Hall-of-famers. “Jackie Robinson Ave.”, “Duke Snider Drive”, “Vin Scully Way”. Next year the Baltimore Orioles might take up residence there. Somehow it won’t be the same walking down “Boog Powell Road”, “Moe Drabowsky Blvd.”, “Gus Triandos Way.”

Larry King was on hand for Sunday’s game. He threw out the ceremonial first wife.

Did our three-hour radio show from the press box Sunday night. We were on the scene live to call the action if a fan who had too much Tommy Lasorda wine snuck onto the field and took a pee. I’ve got to say I love my broadcast team. My partner Josh is terrific and a breeze to work with, and our producer/engineer extraordinaire (also named) Josh keeps us laughing even when we have to go back on the air in five seconds with the injury report.

Drove to Orlando on Monday to reluctantly fly home. I found it amusing that just after you pass Disney World there’s a billboard advertising VASECTOMY.COM, “It’s easier than you think”.

If you turned in an Avis car needing gas it was $7.20 a gallon. If you went to the gas station right near the rental car return locations it was $4.60 a gallon. But if you drove another two blocks (like we did) it was $3.19.

This was one trip I hated to see end. So many laughs and stone crabs. And as a lifelong Dodger fan it was a very meaningful experience for me to be able to introduce my son to the players. I just wish he wasn’t wearing his Red Sox sweatshirt when I did it.

For Matt's views on the trip (which is a little more baseball oriented) visit his blog, Dirty Watah and just scroll down a little. Commentary and photos.

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 12

First off, show of hands: Who gives a shit about the new opening titles?

And then that new set. Yikes! Talk about extreme overkill. It's like a combination Thunderdome/Celine Dion’s living room. And all the lights and strobes, I felt like I was watching the Orange Bowl Halftime show.

All in all I thought the performances were pretty good this week. But that could be because they were singing Lennon & McCartney songs not Diane Warren. And Simon spoke for us all when he said, “Shut up, Paula!”

Brooke White (pictured above) is still my favorite. Her no frills version of “Let it Be” was heartfelt and touching. Interesting that the contestant with the most soul is a blond Girl Scout from Mesa, Arizona.

Meanwhile, the one male African-American wore an argyle sweater vest and tie. The only gang he could get into is “Up With People”. Chikezie sang “She’s a Woman” and gave his best performance. And I’m sure when someone suggested doing that intro with a fiddle he said, “Yeah. Now that’s funky!”

David Hernandez did “I Saw her Standing There”. He’s obviously sung that song before, with the same dance moves. Except this was the first time he wasn’t oiled up and girls didn’t stuff dollar bills down his Speedo.

Even though the judges weren’t wild about Michael Johns I thought he was great. They keep saying this is a singing competition until someone just stands there and sings. Next week he should borrow Haley Scarnato's shorts.

Syesha Mercado sang “Got to Get You Into my Life” as if it were a foreign song she learned phonetically. Boring belter. Will be gone before they start doing those Ford commercials.

I hope Ramiele Malubay gets voted off. Let’s give her a real reason to cry. Note to Ramiele: “In My Life” was not designed to be sung by someone who still needs fake ID to get a drink.

Jason Castro is morphing into Lisa Edelstein to such a degree I think he’s now growing breasts. Why are the judges so wild about this guy/girl? I don’t get it. He attempted “If I Fell” and it was way out of his range. He hits clunker notes, has trouble flipping to his head voice, and has the excitement of someone who drinks gallons of that Prozac water.

And is it just me or has Carly Smithson’s Irish accent gotten thicker? She is going to kick ass on Celtic night! For an added edge over the other contestants she should tattoo 1-866-IDOLS 06 on her forehead.

David Cook reminds me of Austin Powers. He’s a good singer but I thought “Eleanor Rigby” was a haunting melancholy ballad. Who knew it was heavy metal?

Amanda Overmyer wailed on “You Can’t Do That”, a song referring to her black and white striped slacks. I like her but she sings everything the same. I worry she’s a one trick pony…or more accurately considering those pants – a one trick zebra.

Kristy Lee Cook tried to do “8 Days a Week” as a country song. It was utterly ridiculous…bordering on William Shatner. Jews sing country songs better. Next time Kristy, sing “Rocky Raccoon” (if there is a next time).

And finally, David Archuleta. Who could believe that the one song that was too challenging for a great singer was “We Can Work It Out”? Drunks at ZBT parties can handle that tune while their heads are in a bowl. Considering how far ahead David was, it almost feels like a prize fighter told to take a dive.

I think from here on out, in addition to eliminating one contestant a week, they should also remove one piece of the set.

Revised Nakamora story

Details change as Hollywood stories get passed around. Heard from a number of writers that the Nakamora story happened on an MTM show not TAXI. But the particulars are right. And Jim Brooks was involved. Allan Burns (who was there that night) checked in to say the script was written by Dave Davis and Lorenzo Music.

Thanks to Allan, Sam Simon and a few of my other colleagues for setting the record straight.

Later tonight: my recap of Tuesday's AMERICAN IDOL. So I guess I better watch it now.

Comedy writers beware!

Comedy staff writers have shorthand expressions for types of jokes. Example: a “Bono”. A Bono is a joke that changes everyday. It comes from an Italian restaurant in West Hollywood once owned by Sonny Bono (hence the modest moniker). The restaurant failed and two months later it was a sushi place. Six months later that joint folded and another Italian eatery went in. Every time you turned around it changed. Actual definition of a Bono: Nothing works in this location.

In every episode there is always at least one “Bono”, a joke that bombs the first day and is replaced with another that also flames out, and so on throughout the week. I think the batting average for finally getting a joke that works is about 50%.

Another expression writers use is “Nakamora”. First a little backstory.

One of the classic comic devices is a “call back”. You make reference to something in a scene then later make another reference to it. Call backs are often used to get out of scenes. Generally if the first reference gets a laugh the call back will get a bigger laugh. And if you reprise the reference later in the show it often gets a bigger laugh still.

One night on TAXI they were filming an episode that made reference to some Japanese product made by Nakamora (a fictional company). It didn’t get a laugh. Then there was a call back to it to wrap up the scene. That too died a horrible death. The producers looked at each in horror. The reason: they had another six Nakamora references lined up and ready to go in the episode. And sure enough, one after another – bomb, thud, crash, burn.

So now when we pitch the third or fourth call back one of us will invariably caution, “This could be a Nakamora.” More often than not we’ll heed the warning and go in another direction.

And, as the ultimate call back, whenever comedy writers now need a name for a Japanese product they will usually call it Nakamora in tribute. And it finally gets a laugh, albeit with only a hundred comedy writers and maybe now, you.

Back home from Florida. AMERICAN IDOL recap and trip travelogue later this week.

My favorite euphemism for breasts

“Cut the casual profanity in half”. That’s the memo we received every week for every script for MASH. Network television may change but Standards & Practices have always been there, are there today, and will be there long after Global Warming has destroyed every living thing on this planet other than AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.

Thanks to a very vocal group of insane zealots, the major networks are obliged to broadcast only material deemed “acceptable” to the public. Of course what is acceptable and by whose standards? What is “looking out for the public’s best interests” and what is censorship? And what about changing times and mores?

It would be easy to portray the Standards & Practices people as villains but the truth is, they’re caught between a rock and a hard place too. Where do you draw the line when the line keeps shifting?

So it becomes a bullshit game producers and S & P people have to play. Every week when we’d receive the “cut the casual profanity in half” memo (casual profanity being hells and damns) we would comply. Then we would add twice as many to next week’s script so we could keep the ones we wanted.

We once tried to slip something by. Radar was showing a visiting general to the VIP tent and we had him saying, “Right this way your VIPness.” The CBS censors flagged us. It was a big deal and we caught hell (actually we caught hell hell but I cut the casual profanity in half) Now on TWO AND A HALF MEN Charlie Sheen can’t go four speeches without saying penis.

Remember the ruckus when NYPD BLUE showed partial nudity? Major arguments occurred over just how much of Dennis Franz’s ass they could show (I was on the side of “none”). The Janet Jackson wardrobe “malfunction” resulted in a naked breast being shown on CBS for five seconds during the Superbowl and it caused a national uprising. And yet, recently, I saw a CSI where they were performing an autopsy on a beautiful young woman and she was completely naked. Her bare breasts were clearly visible for three minutes (and even dead they were spectacular). That was okay. So do you criticize the S&P guy for letting that go through or applaud him?

Years ago CBS had lists of euphemisms for unmentionable body parts and I had the S&P person read off the list over the speaker-phone while my writing staff rolled on the floor in silent laughter. Okay, it’s one thing to call breasts “boobs” or “jugs” or “cans”. I’ve heard of those. But “sweater meat”??? Which hood was CBS getting their street slang from? Sweater meat??? That's my favorite euphemism.

Like I said, this is a network issue that is not going to go away. And it’s the zealots more than the networks that are causing it.

But I’ll leave you with this – my favorite S&P story. Way back in the 70s on MAUDE the censor had a big problem with a certain joke. The producer fought him until Mr. S&P finally said, “Okay, let’s compromise. You can do the joke on the 8:00 taping but if it gets a laugh it has to come out.”

How the fudge do you argue with that??

A number of commenters say there is now too much profanity and sex related fare on TV and there should be more family oriented programs.   I don't disagree.  I just think there's room for both.   And if you want to go for family fare, there's a huge audience out there for it.   Just ask the Disney Channel.

For your listening pleasure...

Among my guests tonight on KABC is Vin Scully. Join Josh Suchon and me from 7 - 10 live from Vero Beach. It's cold as hell up here in the press box. I'd hate to think we're talking to ourselves. You can listen on line here.

Vin Scully. Did I mention Vin Scully?

What's on my desk?

A question for writers that has been circulating the blogosphere recently is “what’s on your desk?” Since I’m in Florida I will have to answer by memory.

My iMac desktop computer .

Mouse on a UCLA mouse pad.

External Hard Drive (back up EVERYTHING, people).

Printer.

Froggy Gremlin childhood toy.

Bob Hope in Dodger uniform bobblehead. (next to Koufax he was my favorite Dodger.)

Cup o’ pens.

Fathers Day cards.

Family photos.

A Gary Larson FAR SIDE card showing the BEWITCHED writing staff brainstorming in the fourth season. Brilliant notions like: “What if Endora casts a spell on Darren?”

Allstate accident report I was supposed to fill out in 2003.

Plastic Bob’s Big Boy (I’m a Bob’s Big Boy fanatic and can never figure out why that checkered jumpsuit look didn’t catch on.)

Five old drafts of my musical, with practically every page dog eared.

XM radio program guide.

A hard bound copy of GREAT PRETENDERS: MY STRANGE LOVE AFFAIR WITH ‘50’s POP MUSIC by Karen Schoemer. (Fun reading. I recommend it.)

My SPORTS ILLUSTRATED 2008 swimsuit model desk calendar. This week it's Fernanda Motta AND Ana Beatriz Barros week!

A spec pilot from my rabbi.

A spindle of CD’s that includes albums from Frank Zappa and Joanie Sommers.

Dodger Stadium and Pauley Pavilion replica paperweights.

Lucite encased picture of me with AfterMASH writing staff (that includes Larry Gelbart).

Vintage typewriter from 1890 with the carriage return arm on the right side. Still easier to write on than using FINAL DRAFT.

93/KHJ Boss Radio mike flag.

Box of brads and paper clips.

My bobblehead collection which includes Harry Caray (pictured), Speedy Alka-Seltzer, and Jesus Christ.

Emmy consideration Linda Eder interviews horse lovers ANIMAL PLANET DVD.

And -- Oh God – I think there’s still a sandwich.

Suspending belief is one thing, but...

In the wild discussion in last Thursday’s post about NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN and its questionable logic a couple of people made reference to the recent bloated version of KING KONG. Someone pointed out how ridiculous it was that Naomi Watts is just wearing a sheer white gown when it’s snowing and freezing. I could sort of buy that because I knew Kong would grab her and she’d be wrapped in the world’s biggest fur.

Other things we could debate – would a giant insect do that? Did the movie really need to be five hours long? Were the survivors from LOST on the other side of the island? Etc.

But there’s one flaw in logic I just can’t get beyond.

These people go to a remote tropical island and discover its inhabited by dinosaurs and a giant gorilla. And the explorers decide, “Let’s take the gorilla! We could put him on Broadway, charge admission.” Excuse me, but you’ve got DINOSAURS there!! Creatures no one in a gazillion years have seen. Why not bring THE DINASAURS HOME??!! Don’t you think THEY would be a slightly better attraction than a large gorilla?

It reminds me of the old joke about how CBS developed the 1986 sitcom, MY SISTER SAM. A group of program executives were watching an episode of MORK & MINDY starring Robin Williams and Pam Dawber and one cried out, “Quick! Get us the girl!”

Spring Movie Preview Part II

Here are more Spring movies for your seeing or skipping pleasure.

NIM’S ISLAND – Jodie Foster in a physical comedy so she’ll probably go on a big publicity tour to warn the public of the dangers of losing your balance.

THE RUINS – A beast in the jungles of Mexico whose diet consists of nuts, berries, and American tourists.

SMART PEOPLE – Dennis Quaid gets hit on the head and starts sleeping with Sarah Jessica Parker, which explains it.

PROM NIGHT – A psycho killer spoils a senior prom when he brutally murders the beautiful attendees. I suspect the nerds of the world will be rooting for the killer.

SUPERHERO MOVIE – Spoof of superhero movies, directed by fellow blogger Craig Mazin. Could open directing doors for me and Perez Hilton.

21 – Kevin Spacey in Vegas caper. When big showrooms won’t hire him to do his cheesy Bobby Darin act he seeks revenge by swindling the hotels.

SHINE A LIGHT – Rolling Stones concert filmed by Martin Scorsese. Robert DeNiro as Mick Jagger.

STREET KINGS – Keanu Reeves. What more do you need to know?

HAROLD & KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY – Is it Oscar season already?

FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL – Guy goes to the tropics to get over his ex and bumps into her and her new beau. For the non-raunch version of this same story see “Adventures in Paradise” FRASIER, season two (written by me and my partner).

BABY MAMA – Tina Fey looking for a surrogate mother. I love Tina Fey. I’d have her baby.

THE TOURIST – New York City sex clubs and Hugh Jackman – something for everyone.

THE BANK JOB – or DOG DAY ELEVEN.

PARANOID PARK – Gus Van Sant movie. A skateboarder accidentally kills a security guard. What part of “Get out of the way!” did the victim not understand?

Spring Movie Preview Part I

Hello from Florida where my son and I are checking out Spring Training. So no AMERICAN IDOL recap this week. But in its place, here is my annual Spring Movie Preview – what you’ll be Netflixing this Fall.

SEMI-PRO – Number nine in the Will Ferrell “Beating a Good Idea to Death” series of films spoofing professional sports. This time he’s an ABA basketball player. Up next: the competitive world of pillow fighting.

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL – Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson put on period clothes to prove they’re serious actresses and play the legendary Boleyn sisters, Serena & Venus.

10,000 BC – English speaking guy encounters an Egyptian civilization back when dinosaurs ruled the earth. The Flintstones sounds more factual.

MARRIED LIFE – Set in 1949 when divorce was not in style but killing your wife was.

MISS PETTIGREW LIVES FOR A DAY – Amy Adams drags Frances McDormand around London for a day. Adapted from the 1938 novel “I SAY, ARE THOSE NAZI PLANES FLYING ABOUT?”

FUNNY GAMES – Naomi Watts and Tim Roth are a married couple terrorized by two psychopaths. HOSTEL meets WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?

DR. SEUSS’ HORTON HEARS A WHO! – Jim Carrey so bring on the Green Eggs because they already have the Ham.

TYLER PERRY’S MEET THE BROWNS – Who cares what it’s about? It will gross $200,000,000 and no one you know will have seen it.

DRILLBIT TAYLOR – Owen Wilson in a comedy so delightful you’ll forget he tried to kill himself. Produced by Judd Apatow so expect penis jokes…but funny penis jokes.

THE GRAND – Woody Harrelson in a poker comedy. Co-stars funnyman Werner Herzog. This I gotta see.

CHAPTER 27 – The killing of John Lennon. Very similar to the movie THE KILLING OF JOHN LENNON. This one stars Lindsey Lohan, hopefully not as Yoko Ono.

STOP-LOSS – Iraq War drama starring Ryan Phillippe, taking advantage of the Iraq-themed film craze that has revitalized the industry.

MY BLUEBERRY NIGHTS – Starring singer Norah Jones. Don’t Know Why.

LEATHERHEADS – Romantic comedy set in the now-cliched world of 1920’s football. George Clooney stars and directs so maybe he can give a fresh spin to this tired arena.

Part II tomorrow.

Why I thank God I never worked with Cybill Shepherd

If the ST. ELSEWHERE/CHEERS scene is one of the more famous crossovers in television history then the ALMOST PERFECT/CYBILL crossover has to be one of the least. But since a reader asked about it and I was there firsthand, I’m going to discuss it anyway.

Quick refresher for the .000006% who never heard of ALMOST PERFECT or don’t remember it – it was a sitcom I co-created/produced/
wrote/directed on CBS for two seasons in the mid 90s. Comedy goddess Nancy Travis played a single woman juggling her personal and professional life. On the day she gets the job of her life (head writer for a testosterone heavy cop show) she meets the man of her life and both are full-time jobs. I know I sound like Roger Clemens proclaiming his innocence but ALMOST PERFECT really was a damn good show.

CYBIL featured Cybill Shepherd as an over-the-hill actress. It was on CBS for about four years and was a modest hit. Second banana Christine Baranski deservedly won an Emmy for her role. Needless to say Ms. Shepherd was not pleased. But that’s another Hollywood bad-behavior story for a later day.

CBS thought it would be a hoot to do a crossover teaser to promote both series. Usually when that happens it’s two shows from the same production team. Such was not the case here. We were Paramount and since CYBILL starred an actress who was a nightmare it of course was produced by Carsey-Werner (right alongside ROSEANNE and GRACE UNDER FIRE).

So a number of issues had to be settled. What exactly was the scene? Which staff was going to write it? Would it be filmed on our stage or theirs? Would it air on our show or theirs?

Nancy, as always, was agreeable to anything. Ms. Shepherd insisted her team write it, it be filmed on her set, and aired on her show. Otherwise she would refuse to do it. Always the team player. We went along with it, just relieved that she didn’t also insist on singing.

Fortunately, I was (and still am) good friends with the CYBILL showrunner, Howard Gould. Together we conceived the idea. Cybill’s actress character would be coming to Nancy’s producer character to audition for her show. Yes, it made sense then that the scene be shot on our soundstage since that’s where Nancy’s office was Ms. Shepherd could give a rat’s ass about that so we shot it at her place.

I was happy to let Howard write the scene. He’s terrific. I wish he could have written whole episodes of our show. When finished, our team polished Nancy’s dialogue a little and sent it back. Ms. Shepherd read it and insisted on more jokes…for herself. After two or three drafts everyone (meaning her) was happy.

Next question: When to film this? They were on a different shooting schedule than we were. Guess who had to change their whole weekly routine to accommodate whom.

The actual filming took forever because Ms. Shepherd had to be backlit in every shot. Nancy was not to be backlit at all. And I can’t say for certain because I wasn’t there, but I think Ms. Shepherd required cue cards.

All of this over a four minute scene that ran once.

One final thought:

Howard Gould has since written a hilarious play about a Cybill Shepherd-type character called DIVA. If it’s ever staged in your neighborhood see it. If you want to read it (and trust me, it’s brilliant) it’s available through Samuel French.

Meanwhile, I'm off to Florida for Spring Training. Talk to you tomorrow from Ft. Myers.

St. Elsewhere goes to Cheers: the inside story

In maybe the strangest cross-promotion in television history, there was an episode of ST. ELSEWHERE where three of their main characters went to the Cheers bar. Readers are always asking me about this scene so I thought I'd go to the source. John Masius is a multi-Emmy winning writer who co-wrote and produced the episode. He graciously has agreed to fill in the details. Many thanks, John.

how st.elsewhere came to cheers: a revisionist history

tom fontana, john tinker and i wrote the episode..bruce paltrow directed it..
the episode had three story arcs..westphal dealing with his autistic son,
craig coping with his mentor's alzheimer disease and auschlander coming to
grips with his own mortality..we thought it would be fun to write a scene
where the three friends met for a drink after work..something we had never
done...and obliquely share their concerns and fears...so we thought why not the cheers bar? tartkoff loved the idea, paltow called his old friend burrows
and they hashed the production constraints...one day to shoot during a cheers hiatus week...perleman and ratzenberger graciously signed on..
i wanted the coach behind the bar but he was dead...so creatively we decided to go for it and wrote essentially a one-act play that was the entire third act of the episode..due to the constraints of the three-camera set
we shot pretty much in one direction..blew through 15 pages,twice our normal load in one day...i remember it being a great fun day..the show turned out well...it was picked to be aired at our 20th anniversary event
held at the paley museum of t.v. and beer-drinking...the only negative feedback was from the charles bros who didn't like the dialogue we wrote
for carla and cliff...however their bastard step-brother ed charles, utility
infielder extroidinaire for the '69 mets, was a big fan of the episode..
john masius

The Moment of Truth

Only days away from another edition of the big new Fox hit, MOMENT OF TRUTH. Let’s see whose lives they ruin this week. For the sake of prize money, contestants subject themselves to a lie detector test and must correctly answer terribly personal humiliating questions.

Last Monday night some blonde bimbo married to a guy who looks like Fogell from SUPERBAD admitted that she’s cheated on her husband (they’ve been married all of two years) and she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend and would rather be married to him. Oh, and the punchline: she then lost all her money answering a question untruthfully. The question: Do you still think you’re a good person? Her answer: Yes.

HORN BLAST! NO! YOU LOSE!

So as a public service of this blog (and you know I’m all about public service) here is a test. If you’re thinking of becoming a contestant for MOMENT OF TRUTH you must be able to answer all of these correctly. (spoiler alert: the correct answer to all of them is True.) Good luck.

TRUE OR FALSE?

I will do anything for money.

I consider myself a whore.

I will destroy my marriage for cab fare.

I will sell my children for whiskey.

I believe the world was formed 200 years ago.

I have sex with animals…usually at their request.

I believe everything our government says.

I go to Oriental massage parlors for massages.

My favorite author is Teri Hatcher.

My recreational drug of choice is steroids.

I have a child who’s also a sibling. Maybe two.

I voted for Sanjaya…for president.

I have an ear wax fetish.

I am too stupid to live.

If you get 100% it’s (a) the first time that’s ever happened for you, and (b) time to contact the producers and make your fortune… that you’ll probably trade away for a bag of magic beans.

Girl Scout Cookies

My daughter Annie provides today's post from Evanston, Illinois.

So I was walking down the street today…well more like sliding down the street...when I came across a stand for Girl Scout Cookies. Naturally I was delighted—I wait all year for this. So I go up to the stand prepared to buy some “Thin Mints” when I see this: Girl Scout Cookie 100 calorie packs.

I was horrified. Girl Scouts shouldn’t know what calories are much less be counting them. Now I must admit that I do purchase 100 calorie packs. I enjoy cookies that are shrunk down to the size of scrabble tiles. But I’m not seven years old.

If parents are worried about portion control then they should serve smaller portions not teach little girls about caloric intake.

And here’s the worst part. On the back of each of the cookie packs it says this:

“Girls can burn calories and have fun with 30 minutes of activities like these: Ice Skating—126 calories. Gymnastics—72 calories…”

WHAT?!

Why don’t they just start giving out merit badges for weight loss? Or maybe their uniforms could only go up to size “medium” ...y'know, for incentive. Why can’t they just call them “fun packs” like the good old days? When these little girls start thinking they’re fat and asking how many calories are in their graham crackers and juice box, don’t say I didn’t warn you.