How'd you like to go to work here everyday?

Last week on AMERICAN IDOL the contestants went to 20th Century Fox studios. And they were each interviewed standing right in front of my old office. Of the many movie lots I was fortunate to work at, 20th was probably my favorite.

Especially during MASH.

Back then I drove into the studio past the New York street built for HELLO DOLLY. Today there are office buildings. Goodbye Dolly. I drove past the MASH stage (9) – actually I raced past the MASH stage so I wouldn’t be stopped by an actor who had a script question. My parking space was in the old western town square used for BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID. I was mere steps from the whorehouse.

Our office was in “the Old Writers Building”. And that was before I was one. It was a two story Swiss chalet, featured in BABES IN TOYLAND and any other film that had elves. Supposedly, our office on the second floor once belonged to F. Scott Fitzgerald. Zelda’s empty gin bottles were still behind the couch so it must be true.

There was always filming going on. CHARLIE’S ANGELS were there every other week. I guess the angels broke up a lot Swiss drug rings. But I’d walk out of the building and there would be Jackie Smith in a tight jump suit pointing a gun at me. This is why I wanted to be a writer, by the way.

The Old Writers Building still exists but western town is a memory, replaced by trailers. Jackie Smith can still get into that jumpsuit so that’s pretty cool.

The commissary was in the PEYTON PLACE town square. Remember the white gazebo? That was still there. Not anymore. Replaced by a massive parking structure.

What is now Century City used to just be part of the 20th Century Fox lot. But they lost so much money on CLEOPATRA that they had to sell some of it off. But in the late 70s a good portion still remained. There was a private bridge over Olympic Blvd that led to a back lot where a ton of scenery was stored. My partner and I would walk to Century City for lunch past several of the original STAR WARS sets.

Today the bridge is gone as is the back lot. There is a large office building and a parking structure. (“Pave paradise, and put up a parking lot”) The STAR WAR sets are in the Smithsonian or some prop guy’s den. They would have been in my den if I were smart back then.

A trip to the prop building was like a day in the greatest Hollywood museum ever. Priceless props were just collecting dust. Yul Brynner’s belt buckle from THE KING AND I was even there! Why didn’t I steal that too?! I am such an idiot!

Every afternoon we could watch dailies. The screening room was right behind Commissioner Gordon’s office from the TV version of BATMAN. Remember how the Batmobile would park right in front of the building and Batman and Robin would bound up the stairs? On the other side of the façade was probably the producers watching the Julie Newmar in her cat suit from the day before.

And all of this was before even going on our set and watching them film scenes that are still being shown today.

It was a golden time that I cherish now and happy to say, recognized and appreciated at the time. Dream factories were more dreams and less factories. When I have occasion to drive onto the lot today I usually pass by the former site of the old western town and think of that great exchange in BUTCH CASSIDY.

BUTCH: What happened to the old bank? It was beautiful.
GUARD: People kept robbing it.
BUTCH: Small price to pay for beauty.

Join me tonight on KABC radio

I will be filling in for Al Rantel tonight on Talkradio 790 KABC in Los Angeles and on the web at KABC.COM from 6-11 PM PDT. I'll be discussing the pros and cons of the tentative SAG agreement, and will be interviewing David Fury (one of the producers of 24), Nikki Finke of HollywoodDeadlineDaily.com, casting director Sally Steiner, and the founder of the matchmaking website SeekingArrangement.com. I also will be throwing topics out to talk about so if you're listening, call. 1-800-222-KABC. It'll be a great way for you to meet me and plug my blog so I don't have to do it. That's tonight from 6-11, tomorrow from 9-11.

My latest most humiliating moment

I got new glasses recently. And by paying a little extra I got this spiffy feature where they darken in the sunlight.

They’re regular glasses! They’re sunglasses! All in one!

It’s an amazing thing.

Unless you go on television.

Last week I was invited to do a guest spot on the Dodger pre-game show for KCAL 9 in Los Angeles. It was a live broadcast. My Dodger Talk partner, Josh Suchon, and I were placed on the field for the segment. It was 6:40 in the evening. Dusk to be more poetic.

They turned on a big spotlight and we were on the air. We answered a few questions. All was going well. Or so I thought.

My glasses reacted to the spotlight as if “Hey, he’s looking right into the sun… from maybe the surface of Mercury”. As a result they got dark. And I mean DARK.

Depending on how charitable you wish to be, I looked either like one of the Blues Brothers or a complete idiot. Aw, who we kidding? A COMPLETE idiot.

I didn’t realize this until one of the hosts from the studio asked me about my sunglasses.

Sunglasses? I'm not wearing sunglasses. (then) Uh oh!

Imagine finding out you look stupid while on live television. I made some joke about my entourage letting me down but again, who we foolin’?

After the show the host that asked the question felt bad. Maybe I was blind or just had surgery or something. I shudder to think what the viewers thought. How can Ray Charles cover the Dodgers? The few times I do get my face on television I try not to horrify people.

It’s been several days. I’m still getting shit from my media buddies in the press box. I suspect it will go on for months (years?). Thank God I'm not currently on the writing staff of a sitcom. Stuff like this is comedy GOLD! Short of walking into the rewrite room wearing a toupee nothing would set off a barrage of vicious insults like this.

Oh, if I were only Jack Nicholson. And by the way, that’s not the first time I’ve said that.

BRADY BUNCH XXX

People say why remake the classics? Usually I agree but I think this updated version of THE BRADY BUNCH may in fact be an improvement over the original. What do you think?

Why TAXI was better

Fellow writer/blogger Earl Pomerantz has a GREAT post on why he thinks TAXI was better. And it's not why you think.

Check it out here.

It's time for Dodger Podcast

Besides blogging and my other writing projects (I have many irons in the freezer!) I host Dodger Talk after every game on KABC radio in Los Angeles. And now through the wonders of electronics the station has decided to podcast Dodger Talk. You can hear them here. Much more fun than actually watching or listening to the games is hearing callers bitch about them. So join Josh Suchon and me as we give out our game balls, talk people off the ledge, and break for traffic.

Did Hawkeye marry Hot Lips?

Here are some Friday questions. What’s yours?

rita asks:

It's "did-they-or-didn't-they"-time on the German MASH-forum again. this time the big question is, did Margaret and Hawkeye marry *each other* or did they marry *someone else*?

They married other people. We don’t know who. If I was Hawkeye I would have gone after Nurse Marcia (pictured). Hot Lips probably married Dick Cheney.

Someone who didn’t leave his name but should wondered:

Were you were inspired by something that happened a few years before your great "Cheers" episode where Sam pitches Piels.

A few months after the Yankees' 1978 comeback against the Red Sox, Luis Tiant signed with New York as a free agent.

He did an ad for the short-lived, barely FDA-approved Yankee Franks where he exclaimed "It's great to be with a weiner!"

Actually, no. We gave our casting director a list of possible names and Luis was available. Or at least sort of available. He was pitching winter ball in Puerto Rico and flew in between starts. The scene in question from a first year episode called “Now Pitching: Sam Malone” (that David and I wrote) was a TV commercial that Sam does with Luis, a parody of a then-popular beer campaign. Luis had maybe three lines. It took at least forty takes. Afterward, we gave him a little tour of the set and he said (at least this is what I think he said, it was impossible to understand him) “Hey, I’m going to give this acting a try”. He’s currently in between representation if any agent is interested.

And finally, from Dave Sikula (with parentheticals inside parentheticals):

I've gotten hooked on "Green Acres." Other than the production values (they seemed to have a budget of about twelve dollars, and everything is overlit [but then everything was in the 60s]), it holds up and is still an extremely funny show.

That said, I'd guess that all but a handful of the 170 episodes (over six seasons) were written by Jay Sommers and Dick Chevillat. (I think I've seen only three eps not credited to them, and we're well into Season 4.)

Would it be possible today for a team of two writers to have that kind of productivity? Most shows I see now have a huge staff of writers, assistants, and "producers." I suppose it's possible, but could you and David, say, maintain that pace for six seasons and still keep up the quality, or would you just burn out?

David and I could easily write five or six years worth of television by ourselves. The only thing is – they’d be shit. By season three think Jack Nicholson in THE SHINING. David and I wrote or rewrote practically all of season 7 of MASH and it damn near killed us. Contrast that to Larry Gelbart who essentially wrote the first four years of MASH himself and the show was never even remotely as good after he left.

It takes a very special talent to write an entire season of television considering the time pressures involved. David Kelley can do it. So can Aaron Sorkin. A few others too. Josh Schwartz I believe. It's a real gift and I hate and admirer them for it.

But having a staff of other writers is not a bad thing. Having fresh eyes, different perspectives, and different strengths can only produce a richer show. And keep the show runner out of the UCLA Medical Center (or at least delay his stay).

Multi-camera shows are not dead!

And neither is Kal Penn but that's a different story.

The same network honchos who said multi-camera sitcoms were a tired obsolete format are now heralding them as the savior of comedy. What a difference two years of no new hits, a failed economy, and the BIG BANG THEORY can make. This pilot season is loaded with standard traditional (formerly tired, obsolete) multi-camera comedies. Suddenly family shows, workplace shows, and buddy comedies are fresh instead of hackneyed. Makes you wish you saved those bell bottom pants, huh?

As I’ve said often on this blog in between AMERICAN IDOL recaps and Natalie Wood tributes, with rare exceptions every great enduring American sitcom has been multi-camera – from I LOVE LUCY to THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, BILKO, the HONEYMOONERS, the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, ALL IN THE FAMILY, MAUDE, ODD COUPLE, BOB NEWHART SHOW, TAXI, CHEERS, FRASIER, FRIENDS, RAYMOND, to SEINFELD.

It’s not the number of cameras. It’s the quality of the execution. It’s the writing.

But that’s not why they’re once again in vogue. It’s because they’re CHEAPER. They cost less to produce than single-camera shows like 30 ROCK. Yes, multi-camera shows like BIG BANG THEORY and TWO AND A HALF MEN get ratings (despite networks’ earlier insistence that they no longer would) but that’s just gravy. THEY’RE CHEAPER!!!

Networks now contend that in these tough economic times viewers once again have an appetite for comedies. That doesn’t explain why they also had a healthy appetite for them in the prosperous 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s but still. We’ll take whatever rationale suppliers have for commissioning comedies. People want to laugh during El Nino years – sure.

My very best wishes to all the young writer/producers who have multi-camera pilots under consideration. I hope you create the next great wave of comedy. I hope you bring fresh voices to the table and introduce us to new hilarious worlds. But I offer one piece of advice. And this is from a guy who’s ecstatically happy with his current job hosting baseball shows on that cutting edge of technological communication, AM radio – multi-camera shows are hard to do. Harder than you think. And there have been very few opportunities for young writers to learn how to do it. But there’s good news. The writers who DO know how to do it? They’re still alive. They’re still out there. They’ve written and produced all those great shows that inspired you to want to be a comedy writer. They’re now at Starbucks. They’re the men and women in the corner saying, “Fuck that Brett Butler!”

Hire one or two of them.

You don’t have to hire them all. You’re going for a new attitude, a different tone. Which is great. It’s what you should be doing.

But…

When you and your young staff are at a runthrough and something doesn’t work can you identify just what that something is?

And how to fix it?

Can you and your young staff rewrite an entire script overnight?

Can you come up with that big joke at 3:30 AM that gets you out of the act?

Do you know how to deal with temperamental actors? (“Fuck that fill in the blank!”)

If you know your show is going to be long can you watch the quad split and know if you have the proper coverage to make the necessary lifts?

Can you budget your time between the writing, editing, casting, politics, and hand-holding required to turn out 22 episodes in about 30 weeks?

Can you get a tee-time at Riviera?

The experience these “veterans” provide will prove invaluable. And the Brett Butler stories alone will be worth their hire.

AMERICAN IDOL -- Movie night for the top (magnificent?) 7

Wait a minute? The judges had to double up because they were taking too long? We only get Simon’s critiques half the time? That’s like the producers of MORK & MINDY trimming an episode down to time by keeping Pam Dawber and cutting out Robin Williams. It’s insane! The show has never had to resort to this before. So let’s do the math: three judges, no problem. Four judges, IDOL & MINDY. What number can I call to vote Kara off? And if the issue is contractual, you don’t have to fire her. She can critique the contestants on the tour.

Another way to trim five minutes is to eliminate Ryan’s grand entrance down the stairs. This is a reality show, not LORETTA YOUNG THEATER.

I know I can be a little rough on Paula but I must say she looked stunning Tuesday with those bejeweled oxen reins around her neck.

This week’s theme was movie night – or more correctly – Bryan Adams movie night. With a billion titles to choose from most contestants selected dreary ballads. If only I had mentored them instead of Quentin Tarentino (who was great, by the way. Except he’s starting to look like Hitler.) I would have chosen much better movie tunes to perform.

ALLISON IRAHETA opened with “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing”. Yes, she’s only 16 but she sounds like she was breast fed on unfiltered Marlboro’s. Simon, Paula, and the leader of the Third Reich liked her but a better selection would have been: “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”.

ANOOP DESAI did one of the Bryan Adams songs. He pleased the two judges that were allowed to speak but could have wowed them had he opted for “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp”or “Moon River”.

ADAM LAMBERT – Wasn’t sure this week if he was Boy Genius or Boy George. Did “Born to be Wild” but instead of the hard rock Steppenwolf rendition he went more for “Disco Tex & the Sexolettes”. Adam is always interesting although Simon was a little disappointed. I’m sure, like me, Simon would have preferred him to sing, “Where the Boys Are”.

MATT GIRAUD should be kicked off the show for reminding me there was once a movie starring Marlon Brando and Faye Dunaway as the romantic leads. And there was a sex scene. GAAAAAAAA! Matt lent his usual vocal gymnastics to another Bryan Adams song and left the judges cold. Personally, I think the falsetto and gravelly riffs would have been far more effective on “Bibbidy-Bobbidi-Boo” but I never ruled Germany so no one asked me.

DANNY GOKEY sans the glasses emoted his guts out on “Endless Love”. For his big finale he looked up to the heavens, which was very moving unless you thought he was going to the widower’s card again to enlist some sympathy votes. But that would make you very cynical. Just like thinking Danny didn’t wear glasses so he could get some of Kris Allen’s votes. You’d really have to be jaded to think that. Der Fuhrer gave Danny good advice – curtail the hand gestures and just sing the song, but he vood not listen! The result was a tad over-the-top. For that kind of raw, from-the-kishkes, heart wrenching tearjerker he should have done the “The Woody Woodpecker Song” from WET BLANKET POLICY.

KRIS ALLEN did a nice job with “Falling Slowly”. Mindy scolded him for choosing an “obscure” song even though it won an Oscar. Maybe if he sang a more recognizable movie classic like “Pass That Peace Pipe” from GOOD NEWS, “Zing a Little Zong” from JUST FOR YOU, or “Freddy’s Dead" from SUPERFLY she would have appreciated him more. We were denied Simon’s comments for that???

No matter what LIL ROUNDS sings Simon thinks it’s wrong. Still, it was fun to hear her stand up to him, even if he was right. I like Lil, just don’t love her. For weeks Simon has been trying to zero in on just what kind of singer she is. I can tell you that. Background. Lil over-sang and later under-sang “The Rose”. So the only tune I could think of for her was the “Theme from ROCKY”. Three minutes of instrumental then…

Trying hard now
It’s so hard now
Trying hard now
Getting strong now
Won’t be long now
Getting strong now
Gonna fly now
Flying high now
Gonna fly, fly, fly

Unfortunately, for dear Lil, I think she’s going to be singing…

Gotta pack now
I’ve been sacked now
Don’t look back now

It’s too bad because at this stage of the competition all of the contestants are good. Don’t you hate it when movies have sad endings?

P.S.
The show still ran long.

Writing for BARNEY MILLER

BARNEY MILLER is one of those forgotten gem sitcoms from the 70s. I guess because they were taped and now look like crap you rarely see them pop up in reruns. Set in a dectectives’ squad room in an NYPD precinct, BARNEY MILLER was a quirky character comedy revolving around the detectives and the nutcases that walked through their door (most in handcuffs).

It was created by Danny Arnold who was a true character. Brilliant, unpredictable (a nice term for bi-polar), demanding, and kind, Danny was an A-list show runner and a type-A+ personally. The man had a heart attack on the treadmill in his doctor’s office getting his heart checked. He had an oxygen tent installed on the BARNEY set so he could keep going during demanding shooting nights (which lasted routinely until 5 in the morning because of all the pick-ups he wanted). The results were fabulous but what a cost.

When David and I were starting out BARNEY MILLER was just starting to take off. It was one of the show we really wanted to write for. We had sold a couple of things and were making the freelance rounds. Our agent called with the good news that Danny had read our material and loved it. He wanted a meeting.

That meeting was one of the best EVER. We walked into his office and there was the nicest, most ebullient cigar-chomping uncle you’ve ever met. He was effusive in his praise. We couldn’t have been more excited. It was like the prettiest girl in school let you eat at her lunch table.

He invited us to come back with some story ideas and very much looked forward to working with us. A week later we were back in his office with our notions.

I noticed a bit of change right at the start. He was a little more gruff. Probably just the result of a long day. We started pitching and every idea was met with, “NO!!” “FUCK! ARE YOU KIDDING?” “JESUS, HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED OUR SHOW?” Needless to say we were shaken. After he had rejected all of them we started out and just before getting to the door he said, almost as an afterthought, “That Yamada gambling thing. I don’t think there’s anything there but if you want to develop it more you can.” Not exactly a sale.

But we went home and decided to develop it anyway. We wanted to show him that if nothing else we weren’t intimidated by him… although we sure as hell were.

We turned in an outline. He bought it. Had us in for notes and was very complimentary. We implemented his changes and turned in the revised outline.

He cut us off.

Well, we figured, so much for BARNEY MILLER. At least we got outline money.

Two weeks later I get a call from Danny’s assistant. Could we be in his office tomorrow at 8:30? Swell, I thought, he wants to chew us out again.

But we go and it’s the happy ingratiating Danny. “Boys! Come on in. You want a doughnut? How was your weekend?” He had read over our outline again and decided it was terrific. He had just a few tweaks. We were told to dash off a revised outline and then we’d go to work on the draft.

Two days later we delivered the new outline. And the following day…

He cut us off.

It just didn’t “jump off the page” for him. But he paid us for a second outline.

Elements of those outlines appeared in future shows but what the hell? He did pay us.

We never did a BARNEY MILLER assignment but a few years later when we were head writers of MASH he called and asked if we wanted to be his showrunners for the upcoming season. We chose to stay with MASH.

The guys who did take the job worked a million hours a week, learned a hell of a lot, got paid a fortune, and Danny gave them Rolls Royces… which they used to drive themselves to Cedar-Sinai hospital.

I wish some cable channel – any cable channel – would show BARNEY MILLER. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a treat.

Harry Kalas 1936-2009

This is a sad day for baseball and especially Philadelphia. A real person has passed away. Harry Kalas, the longtime voice of the Phillies collapsed in the broadcast booth before a game in Washington and died shortly thereafter. He was 73. Kalas also narrated NFL films and broadcast NFL football for Westwood One. He was inducted into the baseball hall-of-fame in 2002.

Harry had the deepest voice you’ve ever heard. It was strange hearing God tell me to go to the fridge right now and get a beer. But more than the richness of his baritone was the warmth of his voice. Harry was a genuinely nice man and it came across on the air. When you listened to him it was very assuring to know that God was a good guy.

I’ve known Harry for close to twenty years. Had dinner with him in the Dodger Stadium press box last summer. For fun I would have him say mundane things like, “Take out the garbage, willya?” just to hear it in that voice.

The Phillies won the world championship last year and Harry got to make the final call. It’s only fitting that he would go out on top. After all, who is better than God?

In fond memory of Dr. Kutner and Amerca's intelligence

Has television finally so blurred the line between reality and fiction that it is now impossible to distinguish which is which? Or, are we just a country of morons?

On last Monday’s episode of HOUSE, the character of series regular Dr. Lawrence Kutner committed suicide. Very sad episode. Why did he do it? What is the meaning of life? Who will be tormented by this and who will end up sleeping together as a result? You know, mourning.

And now there is a Lawrence Kutner Memorial Facebook page. With photos in his memory. And a discussion board where grieving loved ones can share their memories. Here are some:

Wow, I have to say that I am shocked that he died. Ever since he was introduced he became my favorite character besides House. My favorite memory has to be when he electrocutes himself with the paddles. Also when he ran that fake House help site. He was such a funny and intriguing character and will be missed.

Kutner was a great docotr and a good person, he will be sadly missed. I loved it when he shocked himself why using the difibulators, would do anything. Rest in peace Kutner.

Kutner was always the Princeton Plainsboro staff member I wanted to drink with most. I'll miss him.

I'm devistated. (sic)

Why, why, why, that was a shocker, now who is House going to hire?

R.I.P. Old Friend You Will Be Missed

RIP, Dr. Kutner. I hope your next life brings you joy.

Long live kutner, never miss them until there gone...

Yeah, but see here’s the thing – IT’S JUST A FUCKING CHARACTER ON A TV SHOW!! THE ACTOR IS NOT DEAD YOU CRETINS!!!

Kal Penn, who PLAYED Lawrence Kutner voluntarily left the show to take a job in the Obama administration. So to Rush Limbaugh he’s actually dead but to the rest of the world he’s still very much alive.

And for anyone who can’t understand that, you are welcome to use this comment section (assuming you are smart enough to click on the word “comments”) to post your loving memories of Bambi’s mother.

Steve Gordon

Every couple of years I want to introduce or re-introduce you to Steve Gordon. Tragically, he died of a heart attack in November of 1982 at age 44. He is still one of my inspirations, and whenever I begin writing a screenplay I always reread one of his. It’s called ARTHUR.

For my money, nobody wrote sharper or funnier comic dialogue than Steve. His only other produced screenplay was THE ONE AND ONLY, which airs from time to time on HBO. It stars Henry Winkler as an narcissistic actor who becomes a TV wrestler in the early days of television. Like ARTHUR it’s brimming with wonderful lines.

And if you haven't seen ARTHUR starring Dudley Moore, I have just one made-up word for you: Netflix.

Steve started in advertising in the early 70’s. Feeling he could write a better play than the ones he saw, he banged out TOUGH TO GET HELP. In true storybook fashion it went straight to Broadway with Carl Reiner directing and John Amos starring. Okay, it closed in one night but still!

Through Reiner’s introductions, Gordon moved on to television, doing freelance episodes for shows you’ll never see again and within a couple of years created his own series, THE PRACTICE for NBC starring Danny Thomas (shown on the left). Picture Becker meets Uncle Tanoose. That’s where I first discovered Steve. The dialogue just crackled. My partner and I had just finished our first MASH and suddenly we were hot for five minutes. We pretty much had our pick of freelance assignments. And we chose THE PRACTICE.

Working with Steve we found him to be charming, incredibly funny, and maybe the most nervous intense human being I had ever met. Ohmygod! Two hours with him and I wanted to take up smoking. But it began a relationship that lasted until his death.

THE PRACTICE was cancelled in its second season. Next he created a series called GOODTIME HARRY about a womanizing sportswriter, starring Ted Bessell. It had Steve’s trademark brilliant dialogue but little network support. ABC scheduled it Saturday nights at 10:30. (If there’s a worse time slot for a comedy in the sixty year history of television I don’t know what it is. THE COSBY SHOW would have gotten a 2 share Saturday night at 10:30.)

You’re probably sensing a pattern. Terrific work. Fairy tale-like big breaks. Failure. Is it any wonder he made Richard Lewis seem mellow?

Steve turned to screenplays. The pattern continued. His very first script got produced (THE ONE AND ONLY) and did little at the boxoffice.

And then came ARTHUR. Breakthrough! It was the number four boxoffice hit of 1981. It earned Gordon an Academy Award nomination for screenplay and a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for John Gielgud.

Steve was finally on his way. The hottest comedy writer and director in Hollywood. And then he died.

Some patterns are just hard to break.

I wish more of his scripts were available. If you have one, let me know. There is a special collection of his work at the University of Toledo but rarely will you see his name on TVLand. (I’m hoping that someday THE PRACTICE with Danny Thomas will resurface on DVD or at least on the Lebanese channel.) Steve Gordon was a genius and continues to make me a better writer today.

If only George Carlin were here to see this...

Taken from the AP wire:

DENVER (AP) - Kelly Coffman-Lee wanted to tell the world about her love of tofu by picking the letters for her car's license plate. But her tofu fondness ran into a snafu at the Division of Motor Vehicles, which blocked her plan because they thought the combination of letters could be interpreted as profane. Her suggestion for the plate on her Suzuki: "ILVTOFU." Department of Revenue spokesman Mark Couch said the letters could be misinterpreted.

I wonder, what are the seven dirty foods you can't spell on a license plate?

Point of View questions

My recent cranky POINT OF VIEW post sparked some Friday questions.

Andy Ihnatko asked:

I loved the novelty of "POV." What sort of problems were created by some of those sequences?

I mean, did you all discover that the layout of the 4077 compound "made sense" even when you found yourself filming the actual route a casualty takes from the chopper pad? Did you have to build out sections of the OR and hospital that were never designed to be shot from that kind of angle?

It sounds like one of those interesting creative events where the thought "Hey! We'll shoot everything from a patient's perspective" takes just five seconds to conceive, but then brings up huge problems...!

Fortunately, the MASH compound at the Malibu ranch was laid out just like a real MASH unit. So when you saw those shots of the chopper pad and the path leading to the tents, all of that was already in place. We did have to build ceilings for certain sets like the O.R. Patients wheeled into operating rooms rarely see klieg lights and boom mikes (unless you’re Jimi Hendrix).

A special camera mount had to be fitted. There were no steady cams. The poor cameraman was practically crushed by the heavy equipment on his chest.

And every scene had to be one continuous take. The HOUSE episode (directed brilliantly by Dan Attias) was able to have the patient blink and have trouble focusing. And they were able to do quick jump cuts. We didn’t have that luxury. There was nothing to cut away to so each sequence had to be filmed in its entirety. A few were very long or complicated which meant many many takes.

The actors found it really fun and challenging the first day. By the fourth they hired a hit man to kill both me and David.

And Charlotte asks:

Are "stunt" or otherwise out-of-the-ordinary episodes (like "Point of View") the most sought-after writing assignments by the writing staff on a TV series? Because of the creative challenge and the potential for the episode to really standout if it turns out well? Or do the regular writers on a series tend to shy away from these more unusual stories for the same reasons: because of the greater writing challenge and the greater risk that for all their extra work the episode might end up standing out all right, as a laughable disaster.

Show runners or head writers tend to take these unusual assignments because they’re more prestigious (“tonight on a very SPECIAL episode of TIL DEATH…”) and stand a better chance of getting nominated for an award. Wait. I mean, they take these because as artists they welcome the chance to really challenge themselves. Aw, who am I kidding? We all want an Emmy.

In the case of POINT OF VIEW it took two seasons of lobbying to get the producer to go for it. And we were honest. We told him this would be either the best or worst show of the year.

But we really believed in the story. It wasn’t just a gimmick. It was a novel way to view the characters in a very different light. I’d like to think if you had never seen an episode of MASH before POINT OF VIEW that by the end of the show you’d know who everyone was, what their relationships were to each other, and how they coped with the unbelievable pressure and craziness of the war. In many ways, we were constructing a second pilot.

And yes, we did get several nominations (including an Emmy nom) but we never won with POINT OF VIEW. Maybe if we did a colonoscopy episode and saw the world through the patient’s ass, that might have gotten us the gold. We were so close. Just chose the wrong end.

What’s your question?

Bad tables in restaurants

I’m one of those people that hate to be shown to a bad table. In addition to the discomfort of being by the kitchen or next to the screaming baby, I always take it as a personal insult. The host just assumes I’m an idiot and doesn’t know the difference. Or I’m too unimportant to be shown a decent table. Better to leave the good one open just in case the Pope should happen in off the street.

I feel all diners should enter a restaurant wearing a badge. Either a green one or red one.

The green one means “Hi, my name is Gomer and you can seat me in the kitchen next to the grease trap if you want, or put my party of eight at a table the size of a silver dollar in the section with no view and trainee waitress.”

And the red one means, “Stop. I don’t pay your prices to sit next to the coat room, behind the bus station, under the hurricane-strength air conditioning vent, or next to Fran Drescher. Yes, I’d like a booth. Why would I prefer a table that’s in every waiter’s path? And if you try to give me a bad table I’m only going to ask for a better one so save yourself the step.”

Restaurant management might balk claiming everyone will then surely wear red buttons. But you know what? I bet 70% of the population still opts for the green.

Hey, look who stopped by to say hello

Hi, this is Babe Ruth. First I’d like to tip my cap to Ken for letting me be his guest blogger. Since it’s the start of baseball season and he's in San Diego covering the Dodgers (so no AMERICAN IDOL recap this week, which pisses me off too) he wondered if the old Bambino had any new curses and as a matter of fact I do. So woe be to the following:

THE NEW YORK YANKEES – for vacating the house that I built for a gaudy new stadium purely out of greed. The Red Sox ain’t moving from Fenway. The Cubs ain’t abandoning Wrigley. The Mets are one thing – Shea was a dump. But the original Yankee Stadium was a cathedral and you don’t raze it just so you can construct luxury pews. Good luck making new memories with Ramiro Pena. And fans beware, there are some seats with obstructed views. You can't see the players but you can see the in-stadium steak house.

HOLLYWOOD – for all those bad movies about me. William Bendix -- the guy from THE LIFE OF RILEY? And then John Goodman? Jesus Christ! Who’s next? Hillary Duff?

THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS – What kind of pussy name is “Blue Jays”? How the hell is a Blue Jay supposed to strike fear in the hearts of opponents? “Blue Jays” wear pigtails and sell cookies, “Giants” stomp on people and get arrested with Mickey Rourke.

Same with…

THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS OF ANAHEIM – When you think of an “angel” you don’t think some bad ass dude who’s gonna grind your guts into garters. Fuck no. You think of Nicole Kidman prancing with wood nymphs and shit. Who cares if you’re from Los Angeles, Anaheim, or California ? If your team name is “angels” your city of record is Fantasyland.

And along those lines…

THE HOUSTON ASTROS – Name me a team that cowers going in to “Minute Maid Park”. It might as well be “Summer’s Eve Stadium”. Get a better name! There are no fucking tool companies that are looking for corporate sponsorship?

ESPN – It’s bad enough you’ve saddled the great Jon Miller with Joe Morgan (pitchers need to throw strikes, we get it!) but now you’ve added Steve Phillips ? That’s like adding cufflinks on pants. There’s nothing either of those clowns could say that Jon Miller couldn’t say better and more succinctly (hey, look at me, using a word like succinctly!). Maybe Jon Miller should play me in the next movie. At least I’d sound smart.

PLAYERS WHO USE STEROIDS – Talent, conditioning, proper diet, and beer isn’t enough???

CBS – for canceling ALMOST PERFECT. That Nancy Travis was a cutie. If I were 30 years younger and alive…boy!

And finally…

LADY GAGA – What the fuck is that?!

Again, thanks to Ken for letting me blog with you today. If I have anything else to add I’ll send you all a Tweet. So long everybody!

By the time I got to Phoenix

This travelogue is a combination of three trips to Phoenix I made this month to cover the Dodgers’ spring training.

It was quite a culture shock going from Hawaii where everything was named Wailea and Lahaina to Phoenix where I drove over Skunk Creek.

This is a sprawling city of giant shopping malls broken up by sports complexes. Oh and numerous aircraft boneyards. From rusted out WWII planes to 747s that haven’t flown since Braniff went under, they’re all here. Was hoping to swing by and pick up an L1011 fuselage but time got away.

Other major attractions Phoenix can boast about: the world’s largest Kachina Doll, the world’s largest inflatable dam, and the world’s largest sneezing nose – a fitting tribute to the many allergies people suffer from in these parts.

Famous sons of the Valley of the Sun include Steven Spielberg, retired golfer Alice Cooper, Wonder Woman, Hugh Downs, Barry Goldwater, and most prominent of them all – American Idol Jordin Sparks.

To get anywhere in Phoenix – to work, a restaurant, the rental car outpost from the airport – you just get on the freeway and go 13.2 miles. Everything is 13.2 miles away. Except Circle K’s. There are two on every corner. How much beef jerky can this town chew?

I’ve seen ads for the University of Phoenix in Los Angeles and St. Louis and Philadelphia but who knew? They also have a branch in Phoenix!

On my first trip I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express near the big University of Phoenix stadium, (home of the Superbowl losing Cardinals) which looks like an enormous Jiffy Pop bag just before it explodes. What college has an enormous stadium but no football team?

You can sure feel the effects of the economy. The Dodgers kicked off the Cactus League season against the Cubs in Mesa. Usually Cubs tickets are harder to get in the desert than oceanfront property but this year even opening day didn’t sell out. Obama’s bailout plan is going to have to include scalpers I’m afraid.

Next day we headed to Scottsdale (13.2 miles) to face the dreaded Giants. Scottsdale is the ritzy section of Phoenix. As you approach it the car dealerships get much more upscale.

Scottsdale is gorgeous. Known for its swank resorts, golf courses, art galleries (you better like “southwestern”), and the Bob Crane murder.

Most restaurants in Phoenix are a chain but at least in Scottsdale they’re Morton’s and Roy’s. Most everywhere else they’re McDonald’s and Roy Rogers.

But it was not worth driving 13.2 miles for fine dining when right nearby there was a Tilted Kilts. Who knew anyone could improve on Hooters? The breasts seemed more real, the kilts more skimpy. And for an even finer culinary experience I recommend the chicken wings appetizer. When they arrive ask for a different dipping sauce so the hot tattooed Betty Boop has to return and lean over your table to deliver it. Any top chef will tell you – it’s all in the presentation.

The new Dodger complex in Glendale is magnificent! Camelback Ranch (not to be confused with the Mustang Ranch – the other spring training destination for most men). Camelback Ranch looks like it was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright after a long night at Tilted Kilts.

But the amenities for the fans are amazing and if there’s anything better than having a picnic with your family, sitting out on a grass berm and watching major league baseball in the sunshine I don’t know what it is. Okay, maybe also getting a Valentino Pascucci home run ball and several fans got those.

Hung out with my buddy, Kurtwood Smith at one of the Dodger games. Kurtwood’s a great actor. You’ve seen him in a million things including DEAD POET’S SOCIETY, THAT 70s SHOW, and of course BIG WAVE DAVE’S. Recently, he’s been on 24. Not that Dodger fans aren’t the most knowledgeable in all of sports but Kurtwood said he went up to the concession stand and people were calling out at him, “Hey, man, lighten up on Jack Bauer!” (SPOILER ALERT: Kurtwood gets killed… for the 500th time in his career.)

Missed the big ostrich festival. Ostrich races AND Foghat!!!

Best Phoenix TV show bar none is “Lone Butte Casino’s LUCKY BREAK” every Saturday night at 10:30 on CBS 5. It’s a cheesy AMERICAN IDOL ripoff hosted by Olympic Gold medal swimmer Amy Van Dyken. Grand prize is a dinner for two at the Verona Chop House. One of the judges is a plumber. I’m not making this up! One of the contestants was 83 and just had a hip replacement. Did not bust a lot of moves in her routine. Halfway through the judges blasted an air horn to stop her. Nice. She had to be helped off the stage. Next up was her daughter who got the air horn even faster. Five contestants ended in a tie so to break it they each had to sing Happy Birthday. One actually stumbled over the words. She won.

Come ye all to the annual Arizona Renaissance Fair. Wear ye heavy garb of velvet and wool or ye full suit of armor. Imagine if they held this in August. Merry Old England during the Bubonic Plague.

The local oldies station, KOOL has a very limited playlist. “China Grove” by the Doobie Brothers. That’s it. But for their big weekend feature playing all the hits from the 60s-80s they add “Long Train Running” by the Doobie Brothers.

You can go Indoor Skydiving in Phoenix. A simulated freefall chamber will drop you 13,000 feet at 120 mph. It seems to me skydiving (outdoors) requires courage but offers an incomparable thrill. Indoor skydiving down an elevator shaft requires losing a bet at a frat party.

Pheeniks is number nine on the US list of most misspelled cities.

I was really stylin’ the second trip. My rental car was a maroon Chevy hearse. At least that’s what it looked like. I kept checking to make sure Bob Crane wasn’t in the back.

Alas, spring training is over. Last week rooms at the Holiday Inn Express were $165 a night. This week they’re free with a ticket stub from the Ostrich races. But if you’re a baseball fan or you just want to see if the Red Lobster in Phoenix is any different from the one in your town, you’ve got to come to Arizona in March. I’ll never be able to see HOGAN’S HEROES again without wanting to go back.

In Treatment/Be-Tipul

The second season of IN TREATMENT premieres this week on HBO. In case you’re not familiar, it’s a nightly drama that follows a psychiatrist as he treats various patients and is in therapy himself. Some viewers (like me) LOVED season one, others had enough crap in their own lives to deal with. But the writing and acting was superb and it’s always fun to play along at home and scream out your own helpful advice like “Waaa waaa, get a grip!” and “Of course he doesn’t sleep with you, you’re a raving bitch!”

IN TREATMENT is actually an adaptation of the popular Israeli series, BE-TIPUL. A pretty faithful adaptation. Only the names and Jews have been changed to protect the American public. On Friday I attended a seminar at UCLA on both shows. Among the panelists were original co-creator, Hagai Levi and Rodrigo Garcia who masterfully piloted the US version.

There was the usual scholarly discussion -- much talk about metaphors, cultural relevance, whether the series will stop Global Warming, etc. But the real treat was seeing and being able to compare both versions of the same episode.

Assi Dayan plays the therapist in BE-TIPUL. He’s much more rumpled than Gabriel Bryne. You can’t imagine him being asked to pose for Cosmo’s “Sizzling Shrinks” photo layout. Dayan’s character is more world-weary but his country is always being attacked so you gotta cut him some slack. Rarely are rockets fired on suburban Maryland.

Dayan’s home office is very sparse. Not nearly as well lit or appointed as his American (with an Irish accent) counterpart. We Americans need warmth and soft hues in order to unburden ourselves. Israelis are fine in blinding sunlight.

The episode screened involved the fighter pilot (Blair Underwood in IN TREATMENT) and with very few adjustments the scripts were identical. One thing I liked better in BE-TIPUL – both pilots bring an expensive coffee maker to their session. Each explains that he got a great deal on ebay by bidding during a night when everyone was glued to their TVs. In the US version that meant the AMERICAN IDOL finale; for the Israeli version it was a suicide bombing. That's a far better and darker joke.

The edge goes to BI-TIPUL’s opening credits. Although IN TREATMENT’s fluid waves are simple and elegant, BI-TIPUL features a kaleidoscope of black ink dots on a white screen suggesting a Rorschach Test. Both use the exact same theme.

And although the actress that plays Laura (Melissa George) is quite luscious, her Israeli counterpart Ayelet Zurer (soon to be seen in ANGELS AND DEMONS) is drop-dead spectacular. With Ayelet as the temptation, Dayan’s ethical dilemma isn’t whether he should sleep with her, it’s when he does sleep with her in his office, does he still charge her for the session?

From what I understand IN TREATMENT strays from the original more in season two. Great. I look forward to watching every minute of both. As a preview for American audiences, one of the new patients is Hope Davis playing a woman who can’t reconcile why Laura Linney has a bigger career, and John Mahoney as a father who can’t understand why his two sons are so prissy.

The Real Don Steele

The Real Don Steele was larger than life. For thirty years he ruled the Los Angeles airwaves, most notably on 93/KHJ “Boss Radio” in the 60’s and 70’s. Outrageous, electrifying, thrilling – that was Real on…and OFF the air.

Typically, after his afternoon show he would go to a Hollywood watering hole, Martoni’s and get plastered. Steele never did anything in moderation. One night Sinatra walked in with his fierce bodyguards and disappeared into a back room. Steele wanted to meet him. The others at his table told him it was a bad idea, Sinatra never liked intrusions, and he was in no condition to meet anybody. That didn’t stop Steele.

He marched into the back room where Sinatra was now eating, surrounded by his henchmen. Frank looked up and was startled. Steele stood before him and in his loudest booming voice began singing “Strangers in the Night”. Then, after one chorus, passed out face first in Sinatra’s pasta.

Talk to anyone who knew and loved him. They have a hundred of their own stories, each as good or better.

The Real Don Steele would have been 73 this week. There is a tribute website that features pictures, and a few samples of his work. If you want to hear the greatest cookin’ jock to ever crack a mic in the heyday of top 40, check him out.

Real also appeared in some highly prestigious films such as EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000 (starring Sylvester Stallone), ROCK N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, and Ron Howard’s first directing effort, GRAND THEFT AUTO. Television credits are equally as impressive: TALES FROM THE CRYPT and HERE COMES THE BRIDES.

I had the pleasure of working with him at two radio stations, K100 and TenQ in LA in the 70’s. He also fell off my couch stinking drunk one night and my wife still invited him to dinner again.

His catch phrase was “Tina Delgado is alive, ALIVE!” shouted by some unknown frenzied girl. No one ever knew the story behind it -- who Tina Degado was or how he came to use it. Even what the hell it meant. But it didn’t matter. It was all part of the excitement this larger-than-life personality created for “the magnificent megalopolis of Boss Angeles” three hours every day…and especially on “Fractious Fridays”.

His birthday was April 1st, I wish that maybe his passing is just an April’s Fool joke. That would be so like him. And at 3:00 I could turn on the radio, “Devil with a Blue Dress” by Mitch Ryder would come blazing out of my speaker and I would hear “The Real Don Steele is alive, ALIVE!”

He is in my heart. And always will be.

Thanks to Nancy Plum for the following montage from the first day of TenQ. In the bottom left photo that's me standing behind Steele.

They can tell this joke on the BBC????

Dustin Hoffman tells a delightful joke on the distinguished British Broadcasting Corporation.

The Method is madness

It’s Friday question day. Today’s comes from reader Chester Carlson:

Glenn Close was new to movie making when filming "The Big Chill." Looking back, she laughs at her inexperience/naiveté. Such as when she told the director her character would never have chosen the china pattern on the plates etc. used in the big dinner scene.

Did you ever have a stage actor or actress bring too much stage technique to a TV set? Or maybe need to tell someone to tone down their Method? How did you handle it? Lawrence Kasdan was polite to Close while she was saying this. What would you do?

First off, I am not a big fan of method acting. You’re “acting”. You’re “playing” a part. The idea of having to “become” the character you are portraying in order to do it justice is fine unless the character is a hooker or serial killer. The “Method” ends when you have to actually turn tricks or shoot fifteen people. The “I was just doing research for my guest starring role on CSI: MIAMI” defense rarely spares the defendant the chair, even with a good review from Tom Shales.

I was directing a show once where a character had to clean something offstage. He asked me where exactly off stage? I walked to a spot and said, “Here. No, wait… here.” During the show he scrubbed the floor in that spot, seen by no one. And p.s., if it helped his performance you’d never know it. And his scrubbing skills weren’t so hot either.

I know I’m generalizing and there are exceptions but often times when actors apply the Method technique they take things and themselves so seriously in their quest for “the truth” that “funny” flies right out the window.

If I’m casting an actor and I see he’s had Method training I tend to beware. Obviously, if his audition is great I’m going to hire him even if his acting coach is Pia Zadora but if there are two equal candidates I would probably opt for the non-Method actor.

As a director it’s my job to get the best performance out of every cast member and have them all peak at once on show night. Each actor has his own approach. I need to embrace that and make each one feel comfortable. On stage, I encourage actors to employ whatever process works best for them, even if it’s Method. I might have to answer more questions, or allow an actor certain freedom to find moments or emotions but that’s what the director is there for. I see my job as being a big net. Actors are free to experiment because they know I’ll never let them fall. I’m always there to catch them.

I would have had long talks with Glenn Close over china patterns because that’s what she needed then. I would listen intently and take her concerns seriously. Then during a break I would go back to my trailer and blow my brains out.

My favorite definition of acting comes from that icon of the theater and silver screen, Benjamin Franklin who said, “The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.”

What’s your question?

Punchlines that write themselves

Comedy writing Tip: Always be on the lookout for the absurdity that surrounds us daily. Most people don't pick up on it. Learn to see the world differently. If nothing else, you'll sure go through life having a lot more laughs. Here are some examples:
Just how nuts is the entertainment industry? Here are recent actual headlines from the HuffingtonPost. They’re not meant to be jokes but who can write stuff this good?

Madonna Tours Impoverished School In $2800 Sweatsuit

Kendra Wilkinson Starting Own Line Of Stripper Poles

"Slumdog" Kid Rubina Reportedly Paid More For TV Ad Than Oscar-Winning Film

Halle Berry Mentally Ready For Another Baby

SWEET TWEET: Jennifer Garner took Violet, 3, to the Brentwood Country Mart in L.A. Sunday.

Josh Hartnett Calls 911 For Stomach Cramps

Cash-Strapped Former TV Star Holds Garage Sale

Chris Brown, Rihanna No-Show At Kids' Choice Awards

"Real Housewives" Countess Dumped -- Via Email -- By Her Count

David Hasselhoff Denies Work, Admits Botox

And then there’s this: the stupid quote of the year (so far). Spencer Grammer (Kelsey Grammer’s daughter and star of ABC Family’s GREEK, pictured above) was profiled earlier this week in USA TODAY. I quote from the article:

The writers’ strike and the cancellation of BACK TO YOU contributed to her father’s heart attack, Grammer says. “He’s got these houses and this family, and you’ve got to make money.”

I find this amusing since her dad has a stake in FRASIER, his own very successful production company, and receives acting and/or directing royalties from over 400 episodes. Has he kept this from her so she doesn't ask for a raise in her allowance? Is she so into Twitter and Facebook that she never bothered to learn what her father does for a living? Does she somehow think he's got 40 houses? It's a pretty idiotic statement. Keep an eye out for them. They're everywhere. To write funny you have to "think" funny. And a great way of training yourself to do that is to really pay attention to the goofiness that's all around you.

There's a lot of low hanging comedy fruit out there. You just have to pick it.

AMERICAN IDOL -- Top 9

This week’s theme was “Songs we can make more money from”. They could be anything as long as they were available on itunes. Next week will be Coca Cola themes from the 60s and 70s. The following week – songs with the word Ford in them.

A few initial thoughts: I don’t know if Paula got a new eye job or pumped collagen in her face instead of Botox but she’s starting to look like Jack Palance. And I’ve just concluded that I hate Kara. Why? She may be a lovely person but the way she whines and pretends to be so pained -- it just reminds me of every network and studio junior executive, two years out of Sarah Lawrence, who has given me insipid writing notes over the years. “Kennnnn, I really lovvvve this script but I just want to see more, y’know, more heart, more humanity, more… I dunno, I just want to like Mussolini more.” So whenever she gives a critique that’s all I hear.

New opening. The judges make an entrance now. I like it. If the MOD SQUAD were still on the air, that would be their opening titles.

Anoop Desai got things going by attempting Usher’s “Caught Up”. He was one bad ass altar boy. I can’t remember verbatim what Kara said but I think it was: “I really lovvve the characters but I just wish the priest had more… I dunno, penis jokes.”

Megan Joy gave Bob Marley’s “Turn Your Lights Down Low” her usual gatling gun interpretation. She wore enough string necklaces to qualify as a Mardi Gras float. I think Kara said: “I know grandpa is dead but can he still come back at the end?”

Danny Gokey did a nice version of Rascal Flat’s “What Hurts the Most”. I’m a fan of his. If the Disney Channel ever does a biopic on Robert Downey Jr. Danny will get the part. Kara: “I am such a fan of this script but you know what it needs? Backstory. Who are all those other people on the subway with Bob? What does each one want?”

Allison Iraheta came dressed as American Girl Doll: Cyndi Lauper. My only criticism with her singing No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” is that she didn’t sing it directly to Kara. Best moment of the night: Paula complimenting Allison on playing the guitar by saying, “Glad you brought your ax.” Yeah! Look at Jack Palance, talking all street and shit!

Scott MacIntyre wowed the judges with Billy Joel’s vintage oozeburger, “Just the Way You Are”. Again, I’m paraphrasing. Kara: “I love that you made the Scott character blind but then you don’t have him bumping into things so really, what’s the point?”

Matt Giraud tried to show he was contemporary by doing “You Found Me” by Fray. This is like when Bing Crosby sang “Hey Jude”. Kara: “Mxixwehesdd wxkxxighggg meemememmnetnetm”. (After awhile that’s all I hear.)

Lil Rounds made a courageous choice. She dared to sing a Celine Dion song without fireworks and fifteen chorus boys. If Lil were on season two the judges would be genuflecting. But now in season eight, despite her pipes, she’s just another boring belter. This week however she brought her two adorable children so she could have sung the national anthem of Iraq and still sailed through to the next round.

The two best performances were saved for last. Kris Allen did a killer version of “Anal Sunshine When She’s Gone” (at least that’s what it sounded like). And Adam Lambert again proved that he’s in a completely different league than the rest of these nimrods. Best singer, best showman, most original contestant in years. And with the new do he looks like a gay Dean Cain. He chose Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music White Boy” and once again established himself as the only reason to watch the show this season.

Not that Kara won’t have notes. But Adam is the one contestant smart enough to just ignore them. And that’s why he’s going to be the next AMERICAN IDOL.