Actors: How to give notes to writers

Actors, here are some tips on how to convey your script concerns to writers in a way that might result in them addressing your problems without hating you, slashing your tires, or making you the butt of room jokes for seven continuous months.

One ground rule though: This is predicated on your note being a legitimate concern with the sole purpose of improving the show. There’s no hidden agenda of “this puts me in a bad light” or “I want to have the last line” or “this guy is not handsome enough to be my boyfriend”. We understand that you will never actually say your problem is “I don’t want the audience thinking I’m not attractive enough to snare a better looking boyfriend” so you will couch your objections in actor-double-speak. “It’s counter to my character’s arc” and that sort of shit. Understand this: we see through that crap immediately. And there’s nothing we hate more than arguing over the script under the guise of art and integrity when we all know damn well it’s purely about your vanity.

So, let’s assume you have a legitimate concern. We writers don’t like to admit it in public but we acknowledge that you live with the characters you’re playing, you internalize them, you do give them a lot of thought (sometimes too much thought), and ultimately you’re the one who will be in front of the camera, naked to the world. Begrudgingly, we also admit that a lot of your instincts are correct. Your suggestions many times improve the script.

So it’s just a matter of communicating your concerns in a way that will make us receptive to you and here’s the key – WANT to make those changes.

Quite simply, it’s all about showing us respect.

When we come down to the stage don’t glare at us like we killed your puppy. If the script doesn’t work it, we didn’t do it on purpose. Try to remain positive. Give us the impression that you’re not overly concerned, that you have every faith that we can fix it. Is that hard to do sometime? Yes, of course. But you’re ACTORS. Act!

One trick is to start by praising something. You love “this” but just have some issues with “that”. We know you’re bullshitting We do the same thing when giving notes to other writers. But we appreciate the gesture.

If you want us to shut you off completely just say, “My character would never say that!” Whether it would or not, you say those words and we hate you.

You throw a script on the ground, expect us to walk away.

Please don’t say something we wrote is “stupid”. I can’t tell you how many times an actor claimed a certain story point or character action was “stupid” and “no one would ever do this” when in truth it stemmed from an actual incident that happened to the writer. Don’t trap yourself. Just ask. You can very nicely say, “this bit seems a little out there. Do you know of anyone who really did this?” If the answer is no, our next response will probably be, “You think we went too far?” You smile and say, “Well, kinda, yeah.” Our rewrite will include examining that bit.

I worked on a show once where an actress, a noted British thespian questioned some bit of business by saying, “So my motivation for this is what, darling? I’m an out-patient?” Her way of registering protests was with slightly pointed humor. This can be disarming or really backfire depending on the tone. Be careful. In this case, she was a sweetheart and we knew there was no malicious intent. That line became our way of questioning something for the rest of the year.

If you don’t think your character would say something we’ve written please tell us (nicely!!) why. We’ll never expect you to come up with the alternate line, that’s our job. But guide us a little. We’re not mind readers. And if you can, explain your problems in plain English and not actor-speak. “This line goes counter to my emotional center” does not help us a whit.

Expressing your objection in the form of a question often softens the blow. “Don’t you think I’d be curious when I see him come to bed in clown make-up?” Often times it’s easier for us to just say, “We’ll look at that” rather than try to justify it.

And once we say we’ll address it just thank us and move on. Don’t keep belaboring the point. We got it. We’re on it. You made your sale. Walk away.

Sometimes we’re not sure if it works or not so we want to see it. When you show it don’t purposely sabotage it. Trust me, we can tell in one nanosecond if you are. And if you are, we’re likely to dig in our heels and insist that it stays.

Here is why we need you to give it your best shot in a runthrough. If you commit to the material and it doesn’t work then we know it’s our fault and not yours. By seeing it on its feet we can often see what’s wrong with the scene. An alternative might occur to us. A scene may not work but there are three great jokes in there that do and maybe can be saved.

Don’t try to win every battle. Give us a few. If we really believe in our best professional judgment that something works or will get the laugh, let us have it. We’ll be so much more willing to change something for you that we’re not as cock sure about. Again, it goes back to respect. Trust us a little.

Don’t question EVERY line. After awhile we’ll hide from you, or in the case of a drama, kill you off.

And finally, let me share with you the single best way to give a writer a note and almost be guaranteed that he’ll agree to fix it. This comes from Nick Colasanto (who played Coach on CHEERS). Whenever he had a problem (which wasn’t often) he’d start off by saying, “Look, I’m happy to do it just as written, but…” Then we would lay out his concerns. But the fact that he offered to do it as written, we ALWAYS, every time, went back and adjusted the line to his satisfaction. Try it. It will work!

Thanking us the next day when we have made your changes also goes a long way in the goodwill department.

Bottom line: we all want to make the best show. Unfortunately, we’re also all under tremendous stress, have giant egos, and are a mass of insecurities. These are some tips to help actors deal with writers. I bet you actors have an equal or longer list of things we writers can do better in dealing with you. I may flinch but I’d be happy to hear them.

So you think you can wipeout on a Japanese dance talent show?

I decided to spend a rare night off last week catching up on network television.

OH
MY
GOD!!!

Since when did the summer become an absolute toxic waste dump for cheesy reality shows?

Flipping around from one to the other, this is what I found:

I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW – Two teams of American idiots compete against each other on a Japanese game show similar to DOUBLE DARE but without the elegance. Rome Kanda is the Japanese host. Picture Crazy Eddie from his stereo stores or Sean Penn in MYSTIC RIVER. This maniac just shouts – EVERYTHING!! Even Sam Kinison backed off for a sentence or two.

The stunts are zany and wacky and we’re told on their website “hilarious”. In the episode I saw contestants had to kick soccer balls while wearing vision impairing goggles. Seriously, how uproarious is that? And then they hit beach balls off of teammates heads with golf clubs onto a grossly sticky surface while the other team had to remove the balls. And the kicker: the team retrieving the balls would get stuck and couldn’t move easily! Only a comic genius could have conceived a stunt so incredibly inspired. Contestants are slipping. The host is screaming. Tacky Japanese graphics in day-glow colors are flashing on the screen. A Japanese studio audience is doubled over with laughter at the dumb Americans, probably thinking “And we couldn’t beat these guys in a war?”

The winning team got to eat beef; the losing team went on a fishing boat trolling for seaweed. I had to turn it off at this point. My sides were splitting.

That was on ABC. Its lead-in was WIPE OUT. Twenty-four morons compete in giant Rube Goldberg-like obstacle courses, invariably falling into mud. Obstacles include such fan favorites as “Big Balls” and “Plank in the Face”. Are tears running down your face from laughter?

The only thing surprising about this show is that it’s co-hosted by John Henson of TALK SOUP. Isn’t this just the kind of thing he spoofs so savagely? It’s sad to see this brilliant satirist doing play-by-play on fat people socked in the chops by automated boxing gloves.

FOX countered with SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE hosted by British hottie, Cat Deeley. One of the judges is Nigel Lythgoe, whose claim to fame is being one of the producers of AMERICAN IDOL. How this qualifies him to judge dancing I do not know. When a group of men did an African routine he said, “Africa is a continent that puts up with so much crap but when they get together, they can really dance.”

The other regular judge is someone I’ve never heard of – Mary Murphy. Her bio on the show’s website claims she’s an “in-demand film and television star”. Oh. Okay. And it further states that she does “crowd pleasing work”. Talk about an impressive resume!

The contestants were all fine dancers, at least to me. But then I don’t have the trained eye of someone who is “crowd pleasing”. The hoofers all flew around the stage, spinning and leaping. What do I know? The women wore skimpy outfits and looked hot; the men were all ripped. No chance the zaftig girl from HAIRSPRAY would ever get past week one on this show.

During commercial breaks, the local LA Fox affiliate did their nightly news tease – showing footage of Michael Jackson with his hair on fire. It seemed to compliment the evening perfectly.

NBC aired AMERICA’S GOT TALENT, the U.S. version of the British hit show that introduced the world to Susan Boyle and destroyed her life. Like its fellow reality shows, the host was somebody I had never heard of. Nick Cannon. His bio boasts that People magazine cited him as “one of the top ten most successful young people in Hollywood”.

Huh?? For what?

The bio goes on to explain he’s “a multi-faceted entertainer: film star, comedian, musician, writer and executive producer of his own hit TV shows.”

Huh?? What TV shows???

His big contribution to the program was standing just off stage telling each contestant to “Go get ‘em, y’all!”

The judges are…

Piers Morgan (who?), the obligatory pompous British guy who apparently just won the CELEBRITY APPRENTICE show, so who better to judge talent? Prior to that he was a newspaper editor, the ideal training ground for any entertainer.

Sharon Osbourne – a complete joke, and then…

David Hasselhoff from BAYWATCH. That’s like letting Kellie Pickler determine Nobel Prize winners.

Acts I saw were a 74 year withered fungo bat dressed like Elvis doing a disco number, three Spice Girls wannabes, an AMERICAN IDOL reject, a double-jointed dancer, and a magician in a blue Phantom of the Opera mask. In other words – a freak show. AMERICA’S GOT WEIRDOS.

Meanwhile, the studio audience was not just enthusiastic, they were absolutely orgasmic over this WAITING FOR GUFFMAN level talent.

Jesus, I long for the days when networks would fill their summer hours with failed pilots, endless reruns, and Captain & Tenille specials. Has the world gone nuts? Seaweed fishing in prime time. Sharon Osbourne. Geriatric disco dancers. I should be given a $50,000 first prize check. I performed the most difficult task of all. I SURVIVED A NIGHT OF AMERICAN REALITY SHOWS.

Hey, weren't you "Jerk at the bar"?

A trainer in my gym is also an actor. (I know – knock you over with a feather). He recently appeared on the Showtime series CALIFORNICATION playing the fan favorite, “Hollywood Asshole”. And knowing him, I bet he was good in it. Some of his previous roles included “Jerk at the Bar”, “Thug #2”, and to prove he has range – “Jogger”.

An actress I know has these impressive credits: “Vegas Showgirl” on CSI. Also “Bikini Girl”, “Sheik Girl”, “Cute Girl”, and “Homewrecker”.

Another actress friend boasts these credits on imdb: “Waitress”, “Saleswoman”, “Assistant Candidate #1”, and the part she’s best known for -- “Desperate Woman”.

And one of the most talented comic actors I know lists these on his resume: “Caterer”, “Waiter”, “Delivery Boy”, “Great Great Grandfather” (he was in his 30’s at the time), “Husband”, “Exterminator”, and my personal favorite – “Squid”.

Forget being a star, most actors in Hollywood would be thrilled for a role that actually had a name.

Usually these parts are one or two lines, usually day player roles. But not always. Remember the old guy who used to sit at the bar at CHEERS. His name was Al Rosen. He became a semi-regular. He had lines in probably thirty episodes. His name on the show was “Man Who Said Sinatra”.

“Sinatra” was the first line he was assigned, he got a good laugh, and a few weeks later the writers were looking to give a line to a bar patron and someone suggested, “What about the man who said Sinatra?” And thus a legend was born.

It’s not easy being an actor. And for every one who gets a part as “Punk #2” and “Guy in the Sewer” just remember – there are five others who auditioned for those parts and didn’t get them.

Yours truly,

Schmuck with blog

Walter Cronkite

He told us that President Kennedy had died.

He told us that we had landed a man on the moon.

He walked us through national conventions.

No one was elected President until he said so.

The Viet Nam War ended when he said it was time to go.

He reported on the bombings of London.

And the Olympic skiers in Squaw Valley.

There were never any articles about his hairstyle.

We never knew whether he was Republican or Democrat.

He reassured us in times of national crisis.

Celebrated our triumphs and called us on our shortcomings.

He had no agendas.

He wasn’t folksy or perky.

He was the voice of reason.

The conscience of the country.

He was just… Uncle Walter. The most trusted man in America. And now that voice has been silenced. We’ve lost the last true journalist the broadcast industry will ever see. Just how monumental is his passing?

Name me one person, anybody, who could be called the most trusted man in America now. I can’t think of one either.

God bless you, Walter Cronkite. You were the best that ever was.

And that's the way it is.

How many F-bombs can you drop?

Here are some answers to your Friday questions. I’ll also be answering over twenty more in my teleseminar on the 25th. It’s free. Go here if you’re interested.

Michael Tassone has a question and only uses the F word five times.

Are there any golden rules of thumb when it comes to using profanity in comedy? I think about the wedding singer in Old School who starts adding fuck to the lyrics he's singing. I thought he went one fuck too far. What do you think? Why is fuck so fuckin funny?

Obviously, it depends on the project. On DEADWOOD I assume a polish of a script meant adding fifty more. On HANNAH MONTANA you’d be hard pressed to get in one.

Assuming this is not for network television or a Sunday school play…

If a character you’re writing is foul-mouthed (like a sailor or rapper or anyone in a Judd Apatow film) then you’re just being true to who they are. But generally speaking I say less is more. Not because I’m a prude but because the word loses its impact.

Sometimes I feel writers use the word as a crutch. Isn’t there a funnier, more elegant comeback than “Fuck you, dude!”?

My basic rule of thumb: take the high road.

Bob Summers wonders:

Have you ever been forced to write an episode based on a real current event? (WKRP Who concert trampling episode, for example.)

I wouldn’t say “forced” but on MASH most of our stories stemmed from actual incidents. We did extensive research, interviewing doctors and nurses and veterans from Korea. Some of the real life stories they told were so outrageous we had to actually tone them down.

Also, have you ever been on a show where the premise was the victim of bad timing? (ABC's "Invasion" in 2005 about the strange aftermath of a hurricane debuts weeks after Katrina.)

On CHEERS we had a rule: never include an elderly public figure in a joke because we would be responsible for their death. If we had done say a Rose Kennedy joke, we just knew that five minutes before it was to air NBC would break in with a bulletin that Rose Kennedy had just died. We didn’t want that kind of blood on our hands.

David and I wrote a SIMPSONS that inadvertently was the victim of horrible timing. The episode is called “Saturdays of Thunder”. In it Homer feels he needs to be a better father so we had him go to the Bill Cosby Fatherhood Center. Channel 11 in Los Angeles reran that episode just hours after it had been announced that Cosby’s son had been tragically murdered. Needless to say they got phone calls.

And finally, from the lovely Mrs. Trumbull:

I enjoy Chicago's MeTV, home of "I Love Lucy," "Dick Van Dyke," "Andy Griffith," "Bob Newhart Show" "The Cosby Show" etc. All reruns. What is the typical deal for actors, writers and others these days on reruns?

It depends on what the guild contracts were when those shows were produced. For I LOVE LUCY, no one gets royalties. For shows in the 60s and early 70s I believe the actors, writers, and directors received residuals for only ten airings.

Starting in I believe 1978 the situation improved to where we all get residuals in perpetuity. We’re paid on a de-escalating scale of course, but free money is free money. I’m very fortunate to have come along during this era, which is why I’m so gung-ho union. I want to ensure that future generations of writers receive the same or better benefits.

Thanks for your fucking questions. If you have one just leave it in the fucking comments section.

My take on the Emmy nominations

The Emmy Award nominations have just been announced. As always, I’ll be reviewing the Emmy telecast. But here are a couple of initial thoughts:

One name conspicuously absent this year: mine!

Thrilled that FAMILY GUY made the cut for Best Comedy. But the SIMPSONS deserved that honor years ago.

Also nice to see HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER finally making the cut. But the funniest comedy, BIG BANG THEORY, didn’t.

Who would I have bumped? THE OFFICE. Not its best year.

22 nominations for 30 ROCK. I like their chances.

Nominees in certain categories have been expanded this year. So actors who still have been shut out should feel really snubbed and could make life on their sets a living hell for the next month. Showrunners and P.A.’s beware.

MAD MEN might not be a shoo-in this year.

Will this be the year that long deserving Hugh Laurie finally wins an Emmy? If he loses to Simon Baker who just smirks his way through THE MENTALIST I’ll be pissed. If he loses to Michael C. Hall for DEXTER, well, okay.

Hey, they still have a category for “Best Mini-Series”! Do they still even make mini-series? Same with “Best Main Title Design”. That category should be renamed “Best Ten Second Opening”.

Jim Parsons is to BIG BANG THEORY what David Hyde Pierce was to FRASIER.

Sarah Silverman earned a “Best Lead Actress in a Comedy” nomination by playing herself. How does that work?

Seriously. I wasn’t nominated for anything.

My vote for the “Best Lead Actress in a Comedy” even though she’ll probably lose – Christina Applegate for SAMANTHA WHO?

According to my scuttlebutt, there are a lot of writers and crew people in Hollywood rooting for anyone to win but Mary-Louise Parker.

The usual suspects are in the Best Competition Reality Series. Expect THE AMAZING RACE to win again. They could have expanded that category to fifty and I SURVIVED A JAPANESE GAME SHOW still wouldn’t make the cut. I’ll be reviewing that delight and other beauties like WIPEOUT next week.

Based on his work on the TONYS, Neil Patrick Harris is a great pick to host the show. Even better than former emcee, Heidi Klum.

Sentimental choices: I hope Phil Abraham wins “Best Drama Director” for MAD MEN, Ted Danson cops the “Best Guest Actor in a Drama” for DAMAGES, and the “Outstanding Music Director” Emmy goes to Harold Wheeler for DANCING WITH THE STARS.

Why is Charlie Sheen nominated for “Best Comedy Actor” and Jon Cryer nominated for “Best Supporting Comedy Actor”? I thought the kid was the half of TWO AND A HALF MEN.

Tracy Morgan got nominated for something and I didn’t?

Thrilled that LOST got recognized for Best Drama. Same with Michael Emerson getting a Best Actor nod.

How did Amy Poehler and Kristin Wiig, two very funny ladies, get nominated for “Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series”? Since when is SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE a comedy series? Wasn’t it a variety show for the last thirty years or so?

If Dianne Wiest doesn’t win for IN TREATMENT Al Franken should demand a recount.

Wow! Bob Newhart was nominated for “Best Supporting Actor in a Mini-series Or Movie”. Payback for not winning every year for Dr. Hartley.

Heidi Klum was nominated and I was shut out?

Alan Alda was recognized for “Best Guest Actor in a Comedy Series” for his stint on 30 ROCK. Alan has now been nominated in every category except “Outstanding Prosthetic Makeup For a Series”. Maybe next year, Alan.

There’s a category called “Outstanding Special Class” where BATTLESTAR GALACTICA is up against the Bruce Springsteen Superbowl halftime show.

Steve Peterman, if you win for HANNAH MONTANA, I’ll be in my living room cheering.

Four of the five “Best Writing for a Comedy Series” noms went to 30 ROCK scripts. Deserving but where’s the love for BIG BANG THEORY?

Four of the five “Best Writing for a Drama Series” are episodes of MAD MEN written or co-written by Matthew Weiner. Even if he splits the vote he’s still a lock.

Speaking of locks, Tina Fey as Sarah Palin.

Congratulations to all the nominees. And I guess I’m okay that I wasn’t nominated. At first I took it personally but then I realized, I didn’t do anything this year.

Writers can't find work in adult entertainment

As if it wasn’t hard enough to make a living as a screenwriter these days, now another market is apparently drying up. According to a front-page article recently in the New York Times, the porno industry is cutting way back on scripts for their features.

Sidenote: What does it say about the state of the newspaper industry when this is on page one of the Gray Lady?

Due to the internet the average attention span of adult entertainment viewers is three to five minutes. (Attention span or task efficiency?) Not that every story needs to have the complexity of THE WIRE but five minutes is a little thin for a feature length movie even by porno standards. You don’t have to lay out the real estate agent’s backstory but you do need to explain why she’s showing a house nude. Incredibly, audiences don’t seem to care.

So screenwriters who might otherwise make a nice living in pornos are forced to lower themselves and write mainstream studio films instead.

At one time the adult industry was all about making movies with plots. The success of films like DEEP THROAT and BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR created the illusion that porno films might be suitable for more general audiences. Decent people like you and I might be able to justify purchasing a XXX-rated film because it’s not a feature about a gangbang and hot girl-on-girl action, it’s a study of lust in the old west. Porno producers had this fantasy that women would be drawn in as long as there was a plot. Women love a good story they reasoned and what could be a better one than a 21 year old horny housewife letting in a hunky tatted-up pizza delivery boy?

But now porno production mills are gravitating toward just sex scenes (“vignettes" they delicately call them) strung together by a loose theme, like “girls in glasses” or “sluts of the Vatican”. Free YouTube-type porno websites are showcasing small clips. DVD sales have taken a nose-dive. The adult industry is scrambling, looking for new profit opportunities. Their best avenue to date is mounting websites that people must subscribe to. And this requires new material updated daily. So these studios are just cutting to the chase, going right to sex scenes. Who cares why a smoking hot Asian girl is a cantor?

And thus a long-standing art form is soon to go by the wayside. Gone will the subtlety, the nuance, the spellbinding narratives we’ve come to expect from skin flicks. And it’s not just writers who are suffering.

The Times article quotes reputed porn star queen Savanna Samson who laments the plight of actors. She claims she took her acting seriously and used to prepare studiously for her roles. An example is the rich multi-layered character she portrayed in 2006’s THE FLASHER. She played a psychotic who became a flasher and had hardcore sex in public due to mother issues. You just don’t find good roles like this for women.

Hopefully, the pendulum will swing. I’d hate to think my original notion about a psychotic pool boy who has sex on diving boards and doesn’t change the chlorine often enough will not go unsold, or worse, be adapted for Dane Cook’s next summer studio comedy.

Weekend in Milwaukee

Here's the last leg of my road trip with the Dodgers. Vegetarians beware. Part one is here. From Gotham it was a late night flight to Milwaukee where we stayed at the historic Pfister. The Pfister is pfirst class. It’s an old regal downtown hotel that just happens to be haunted. Some ballplayers are so freaked they stay elsewhere, or sleep holding a bat for protection. Carlos Gomez of the Twins was getting out of the shower and his iPod suddenly went haywire so instead of calling AppleCare (or Ghostbusters?) he raced out to the lobby without his pants. I shared a room with the Ghost of Christmas Future. He says “UFC Undisputed” will sell out quick this season so shop early.

One thing I’ve discovered about Milwaukee – it’s in a time warp. The buildings, the cars, the people – it’s 1956. Friday night’s postgame concert featured newcomers Buddy Holly and the Crickets. In an attempt to blend in I wore an “Adlai Stevenson for President” button.

Missed the 60th annual “South Shore Frolic”. Friday’s big attraction for the kiddies: a chainsaw artist. And if that’s your cup of tea, visit the Ambrosia Chocolate Factory where Jeffrey Dahmer was a trusted employee.

I did however get out to Karl Ratzsch’s for the best German food this side of Stalag 13. Order anything with a “Z” in its name.

Miller Park, home of the Brewers, boasts a retractable roof (handy since it snows 300 days a year), cheerleaders, a giant slide where mascot Bernie Brewer plunges into suds throughout the game, and national treasure Bob Uecker (their longtime radio voice).

The retractable roof can be problematic. One sweltering summer day they closed it during a game because thundershowers loomed. But the result was they trapped the heat and humidity IN the ballpark. Someone said that when the fat lady finally did sing she was a size 4.

Miller also has something no other ballpark in the land can match --- the world’s greatest bratwurst. That comes as no surprise, certainly, this is Germantown, but they’re even better than expected. One bite and you can actually feel an artery clog up. Yet it’s so good you finish it anyway. The record for most bratwursts consumed here in one day is seventeen by a gentleman from Menomonee Falls. From what I understand, he’s buried somewhere down the left-field line. The condiments for these brats consist of the usual mustard-onion-relish fare along with sauerkraut and something they call “Secret Stadium Sauce.” Nobody will divulge just what is in this thick red secret goo, but it was allegedly discovered during an early experiment of the Manhattan Project.

And then there are the tailgate parties. Folks here jam the parking lots long before game time and crack out the barbeques and coolers, filling the air with heavenly aromas and grease. If you love block parties with total strangers whose only common bond is the mass consumption of life-endangering substances, you’ve gotta love Milwaukee. I, of course, do.

All in all it was a great trip. The Dodgers won six, Manny hit .349 with three home runs, no one threw a syringe onto the field, I survived a tornado and German cuisine, and the Ghost of Christmas Future also wants to remind you to use zip codes when sending packages through the mail. Thank you.

Have a great summer and Merry Christmas wherever you are!

Free teleseminar info can be found here. Spaces are filling up. Thanks.

Finally! A new travelogue!

A number of readers have asked why I don't write those funny travelogues anymore? It's because I haven't gone anywhere. But recently I accompanied the Los Angeles Dodgers on a three city road trip, hosting my Dodger Talk radio show live from those venues. Since it's three cities it's long. So I'm breaking it up into two part. San Diego and New York today. Milwaukee tomorrow. Milwaukee for sure deserves a post of its own. I hope this was worth waiting for.

No one goes from San Diego to New York to Milwaukee unless they’re running from authorities or on a road trip with a big league ballclub. Many thanks to Scott Akasaki and the Los Angeles Dodgers for making the trip and travel so easy. I am now permanently spoiled after only one week. Also thanks to KABC, who told me to “start packing” and did not mean I was fired.
It was the 4th of July weekend in San Diego – “America’s Last Resort Community” (maybe my favorite city slogan of all-time) and firework shows were everywhere. At Legoland non-guests were allowed to watch them from the parking lot for only $2!! If you were outside the parking lot Legoland security officers would apprehend you and insist you only look down.

A number of communities had fairs and festivals for the 4th. Many featured circus workshops, which makes sense considering the increase in San Diego traffic. Now when locals carpool they can get 30 in a Kia.

Speaking of the circus, Manny Ramirez -- lovable baseball drug policy abuser and all around spectacular hitter – returned from his 50 game suspension. This caused a media frenzy the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the Farrah Fawcett funeral three days before. Manny held a press conference before his first game. He agreed to talk about anything other than his suspension, steroid use, drugs in general, who his doctor was, and the resignation of Sarah Palin. However, we were able to ask if he was looking forward to playing that night and if it was okay to pet on the first date.

At least there were no bees. The day before the Padres game was delayed almost an hour because a swarm of bees invaded the outfield. First thought: make them a fan giveaway (“Bee Night for the first 50,000 fans wearing netting”), but cooler heads prevailed and a beekeeper was summoned to round them all up (and release them in the new Yankee Stadium).

I watched fireworks from the broadcast booth at Petco Park while on the air. It was like hosting Dodger Talk during the Baghdad bombings.

Missed the San Diego County Fair. Was hoping to enter the watermelon seed spitting contest (soon to become an Olympic event), worm racing, the frozen t-shirt contest (whatever the hell that is), most patriotic costume competition (I even had my “Daughter of the Revolution” dress packed), “Kazoo that Tune”, and what old fashion county fair would be complete without the traditional “Cellphone Texting Contest”?

Breakfast recommendation: The Broken Yolk. A mainstay of Pacific Beach, now also located in the Gas Lamp district. Be different. Try the eggs.

Sunday was getaway day. An afternoon game with the Padres then an evening flight to New York. The Dodgers blew a five run lead in the 9th and finally won it in the 13th. Time of game: a brisk four hours and thirty-three minutes. We staggered into our New York hotel at 3:45 a.m.

That hotel was the Le Parker Meridien, which is a huge upgrade from the Grand Central Hyatt – location of other teams and Columbian drug dealers. Le Parker Meridien is very chic. The décor is a cross between Art Deco and the Jetsons. It provides sophistication and class for the discerning guest and cartoons in the elevator for Manny Ramirez.

New York was glorious! Perfect weather! You know you’re getting close to Central Park when you’re accosted by five people on every corner wanting to rent you a bicycle, sign you up for a bus tour, or sell you half price tickets to NAKED BOYS SINGING.

How Jewish is New York City? At the Redeye restaurant on 7th they offer miso matzah ball soup. Just like “Obaasan” used to make.

New York Post headline: NEW SEX CAPITAL? IT’S BROOKLYN. In lieu of the Dodgers I guess that’ll do.

Spotted on 57th street: a person NOT checking their cellphone! Spotted on 6th avenue: a young man wearing Aladdin sneakers. Disney characters embossed on athletic footwear just seems wrong on so many levels.

There’s a street vendor on Madison Avenue who hands out business cards. Call “Cheikh” anytime for bags, scarves, and jewelry. His card table is located at 77th St. & Madison Avenue… unless it rains or he’s run off.

The Mets now play in their $800,000,000 new home, Citi Field (although it should be called “Taxpayers’ Field”). What a vast improvement over Shea Stadium, where every tunnel was a sewer and Lyndon Johnson was president the last time it was painted. Citi Field has all the amenities of modern stadiums – lounges, private clubs, luxury boxes, and stands so close to the action you can get clocked with a flying bat. But its most impressive feature is a huge rotunda celebrating Jackie Robinson. So between that and the exterior, which is a nod to old Ebbetts Field in Brooklyn, the ballpark is pretty much an ode to the Dodgers. That’s fine for me but the Mets have a rich history themselves and I wish more of that was on display. Where’s a statue of Choo Choo Coleman?

Most new ballparks have gleaming concourses adjacent where fans can spill out into restaurants, bars, and souvenir arcades. At Citi Field you have your choice of muffler stores, repair garages, and auto body and paint shops. Usually the teams get a cut of the action but in this case I suspect the Sopranos got there first.

That nice weather I mentioned ended Tuesday just as a group of us piled into a towncar at midnight to leave the park. I wanted to stay longer and browse for fuel pumps but was overruled. So we headed back to the city right when a tornado hit Yonkers. (Since when did New York become friggin’ Kansas?) The sky opened up and we were deluged with rain. Add to that construction work near the 59th Bridge so we were living “Bonfire of the Vanities” during a monsoon. And picture Mel Gibson from LETHAL WEAPON as the driver… with Jews in the car.

“Manny Mania” continued. The New York press converged on him like a Tootsie Roll at a fat farm. He agreed to not answer the same questions he didn’t answer in San Diego.

From there it was on to Milwaukee. That story tomorrow. Hint: Food is involved.

And below is info on my free teleseminar.

My free teleseminar is now open for registration

Thanks to all of you who sent in questions. On Saturday, July 25th starting at 2 PM Eastern Time (11 on the West Coast, who knows in Iceland?) I'll be answering these questions in a totally free teleseminar. Here's where you go to sign up and see the questions I'll attempt to tackle. Space is limited so sign up today. Jesus, I sound like an informercial. Sorry, if you register by midnight I won't also throw in a free Pocket Fisherman.

Once again, if you're interested, here is where you go.

No salesman will call. Void where prohibited by law. No animals were harmed during the writing of this announcement.

Your life is not a sitcom!

Over the years I’ve been pitched hundreds of ideas from people not in the business. I was handling funeral arrangements for my grandmother's passing and the mortician pitched me a movie. Small sample size, but so far there’s not one pitch I’ve sparked to. Most of the pitches go like this:

“I work at __________ and you wouldn’t believe how funny it is there? I mean, the things that go on, I could tell you stories, you could write a GREAT sitcom about it.”

If I’m lucky they’ll leave it there but most times they add one or two of those hilarious incidents. They’re usually on a caliber of “we got a guy who never puts sugar in his coffee and one time when he wasn’t looking some slipped in some sugar and then when he drank he went, “Eeeeeuu! Did someone put sugar in my coffee?” At this point the storyteller is usually convulsing with laughter just recalling this classic event. I’m praying for a meteor.

“Tonight, on a very special episode of LAMP SALESMAN, someone slips sugar in Dan’s coffee.”

Just because you sell lamps, or work in a real estate office, or a Costco, or in a barbershop, or at a train station and there are co-workers who are a little quirky, this does not mean you have the premise for a sitcom. You have the premise for a work location. And chances are, even with those zany “nuts” you work with, your situation is no funnier than any of the others.

Here’s what nobody ever pitches me: a show about a relationship. THE OFFICE is funny because of the relationship between Michael and his employees. It is funnier still because of the relationships among the employees. What they actually manufacture is completely unimportant.

Start with the characters first.

What about the dynamics between them are interesting, fresh, and could sustain stories week after week? And then, what is the best setting to put them in? One that hasn’t been seen before is a plus but not imperative. How many shows and plays and radio series have been set in bars?

That said, there are some areas that are tougher sales than others. Madcap terrorist cells probably won’t fly.

But the next time you come up to me, assuming it’s not in a funeral parlor (and his movie idea was just friggin’ awful), and you have a great idea for a series, start with who are they are, not what they do. And if they truly are interesting you won’t even need those hilarious incidents.

Aaron Sorkin to rewrite MONEYBALL

Heading home from Milwaukee. My travelogue in a day or two.

When it was announced that the MONEYBALL movie project was back on and that Aaron Sorkin had been hired to rewrite the script a number of sports websites linked to a satirical piece I wrote about three years called IF AARON SORKIN WROTE A SHOW ABOUT BASEBALL. I was spoofing his then-series, STUDIO 60. Thanks to Rob Neyer of ESPN and others I've gotten a ton of hits. But for regular blog readers or new blog readers here's a reprint. Everything old IS new again.

This is how I imagined a typical scene would go.

EXT. KAUFFMAN STADIUM -- NIGHT

THE MANAGER, LEO, TROTS OUT TO THE MOUND TO TALK TO BELEAGURED PITCHER, DANNY (THERE’S ALWAYS A DANNY). THE BASES ARE LOADED. THE CROWD IS GOING NUTS. IT’S GAME SEVEN OF THE WORLD SERIES.

LEO
You can’t get a good lobster in this town.

DANNY
Last I checked we were in Kansas City.

LEO
4.6 billion pork ribs sold every year and 18.9 tons of beef consumed annually since 1997 –

DANNY
They like their beef, what can I tell ya?

LEO
But you’d think just for variety’s sake.

DANNY
I can still throw my curve.

LEO
For strikes?

DANNY
I’m not throwing enough?

LEO
I’ve seen more lobsters.

DANNY WALKS TO THE ROSIN SACK, GIVES IT A SQUEEZE, DECIDES TO KEEP WALKING. HE AND LEO NOW WALK OUT INTO CENTER FIELD.

DANNY
It’s just that…

LEO
What? Kathy?

DANNY
No. Cabs. There’s no cohesiveness on this team. After road games, 25 cabs for 25 players. There used to be a thing called “the greater good”, forgoing your needs for the betterment of the team and community who looks to us for their identity and self worth. When I’m trying to save a game I’m really trying to save a factory. If baseball is a metaphor for life, then responsibility is its first cousin simile. And Kathy.

LEO
That’s a “1” on your back and not a “2”.

DANNY
I can’t help it. She knocks my sanitary socks off.

THEY CROSS THE CENTER FIELDER, HECTOR.

HECTOR
(in thick accent) Hey, Skip. You know where we could get a lobster around here?

LEO
Order a steak with butter sauce.

THEY REACH THE WALL AND BEGIN WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I only became a pitcher because of her.

LEO
Does she know that?

DANNY
She knows that a human arm is not supposed to throw a baseball 100 miles per hour. And she knows that Jesus Christ could strike out Babe Ruth every at bat for ten years without so much as a rotator tear. But to answer your question – what was your question again?

LEO
Can you still throw your curve ball for strikes?

DANNY
No. The other one.

LEO
Does Kathy know you became a pitcher for her?

THEY REACH THE RIGHT FIELDER, AN AFRO-AMERICAN NAMED CHET.

CHET
Look up in the stands, guys. Not four black faces. Would Jackie Robinson even want to break into this game now? If this sport speaks to minorities now it speaks in Spanish. Afro-Americans make up less than 5% of the major leagues. Compare that to basketball, football, or even golf. Satchel Paige said, “don’t look back, something might be gaining on ya.” I just did. It’s now hockey.

LEO
Play a little closer to the line.

THEY CONTINUE WALKING AROUND THE WARNING TRACK.

DANNY
I think she knows.

LEO
But do you really know if she knows?

DANNY
No.

LEO
Then you know what you’ve got to do.

DANNY
Yeah.

LEO
Throw strikes.

DANNY
Right. Thanks.

LEO
And when you get home –

DANNY
Yeah?

LEO
Tell her.

DANNY
I’ll take her out for a lobster.

LEO
What do you mean, 25 cabs for 25 players?

AS THEY START AROUND THE WARNING TRACK FOR ANOTHER LAP, WE:

FADE OUT.

This is why there are no TV opening titles today

Hello from Milwaukee -- home of cheese, breweries, and the great Bob Uecker. Known as Mr. Baseball, Uecker is the longtime voice of the Brewers and star of TV's MR. BELVEDERE. Everyone I know knows that show but no one I know has ever sat through an entire episode of it. And yet it was on for years.

I found the opening titles of the show along with a bunch of others from 1986. It's startling how alike the sitcom openings were (and cheesier than Wisconsin). Random zany and touching clips from episodes and God awful treacly theme songs. It's GOLDEN GIRLS gone bad then worse than worse still.

So here they are (starting with MR. BELVEDERE). It will take some of you down memory lane. Others will be pushed into a mine shaft. A couple of these shows are jaw dropping, notably LIFE WITH LUCY. All I can say about that show was the main titles were the least embarrassing thing about it.

Along the way you'll also discover some actors who went on to bigger and better things.

So here they are. And for everybody who says they love the 80s, this might be the ultimate test.

How to deal with rejection

Hello from Milwaukee where the Dodger road trip and Manny Ramirez traveling circus continues. Here are some Friday questions direct from the great Midwest.

From Scott Siegel:

What did you do about rejection or about disappointment or disgust from this business before you got a blog and could vent?

Yet another advantage of having a partner is you have someone to bitch with. But seriously, rejection always hurts – no matter how much success you’ve had. And there’s little comfort in knowing it’s all subjective, a lot of the people making the decisions are idiots, timing is sometimes wrong, etc.

But you have to somehow shake it off and move forward. Don’t dwell on it. If your pilot wasn’t greenlit don’t read the ones that were.

Sometimes rejection can turn out to be a good thing. Perhaps you know why a project was passed on and can use it as a learning experience. Sometimes you look back and thank God you didn’t get a certain job because a better one came along shortly afterwards.

But two coping methods have helped me.

1) Always have several projects you’re working on. Don’t put all your eggs into one cliché. You never know which project is going to hit. Plus, it gives you something to do while you wait for answers. I’ve always been a firm believer that you make your own momentum. Good things happen (often unexpectedly) when you stay busy.

2) Uber executive Barry Diller maintains that when a project of his fails, or a business deal doesn’t happen he always just says “Next?” Move on. The word “next?” is one of the most important in any writers’ vocabulary. Watch. I’m going to use it right now.

Next?

Craig M wonders:

When writing a script, do you plan for the time when the show will be rerun in syndication? Do do write a scene thinking, this is the one they can cut without harming the story?

Honestly, no. We never thought about what scene they could cut. Probably because we knew they’d cut the wrong one anyway.

But here was our take on syndication – if we knew we were writing an episode for a series that was likely to go into syndication we wrote as many of them as we could. On MASH, CHEERS, and FRASIER we always volunteered to write the episode through Christmas break or write the script that had an insane deadline even if it meant working around the clock. We put in extra nights, extra weekends, we cut vacations short. But we knew that every episode we wrote was going to keep paying off for years so it was well worth the extra effort.

And it’s very satisfying that work we did years ago is still being seen and enjoyed today. But it’s mostly the money.

It appears to be “Scott” day. Here’s one from Scott B.:

Are there any writers around town who have a reputation for accidentally "borrowing" or outright stealing from other shows or writers? How does a room deal with them? And have you ever discovered after the fact that you accidentally lifted something from another source?

Back in the 80s I knew a freelance drama writer who would go to the UCLA library and leaf through old TV GUIDES from the 60s and just lift stories from earlier shows. He had a successful career for quite a while. He's now out of the business.

One of the funniest writers I ever knew, Jerry Belson (I profile him here) , was working with us on CHEERS, pitched a joke that didn’t go over and defended it by saying, “this got a huge laugh on THE ODD COUPLE (a show he also wrote for).” When we said, “Jerry, you can’t pitch an ODD COUPLE joke he said, ‘hey, what went before is good too.” He was kidding of course but generally the practice is frowned upon. And if a writer is known to steal from other shows he’s quickly drummed out.

As for my partner and I accidentally lifting something from another source, that happened once on MASH. We found an interesting story in the research, wrote up an outline, and took it to our consultant Gene Reynolds. He suggested a way to tell the story. It was written, produced, and aired. MASH had just started re-running (Friday nights at midnight on CBS). Two nights after our episode aired my partner was watching the rerun from an early season and it was THE EXACT SAME SHOW. Only difference was Larry Gelbart did it better (duh). Amazingly, Gene never picked up on it, neither did any of the actors or the crew. It happens. But it’s still the most embarrassing moment of my career.

If you have a question or wish to reopen old wounds just leave it in the comments section. Thanks. I must get out now to eat some heavy German food.

CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES

There’s a new comedy trend afoot – lead characters who see themselves very differently from the way the rest of the world perceives them. Seth Rogen in the recent release OBSERVE AND REPORT plays a psycho security guard who thinks of himself as an ace crime fighter. Michael of the OFFICE, Amy Poehler’s new character in PARKS AND RECREATION, the ballplayer in EASTBOUND & DOWN, all the way back to Will Ferrell’s ANCHORMAN and Ted Baxter’s anchorman.

It’s a rich comedy vein. Characters with an inflated self-importance are always funny (except for George Bush). And by far, the greatest, most hilarious example of this is Ignatius J. Reilly.

Reilly is the centerpiece of the funniest book I’ve ever read, A CONDERACY OF DUNCES by John Kennedy Toole. Ignatius J. Reilly is this highly eccentric disgusting sloth who believes everyone in the world is out of step but him. His distorted worldview is a riot and practically every sentence of this rather large tome will make you laugh. For my money, it’s a comic masterpiece.

The story behind the book is not so humorous, however. John Kennedy Toole wrote it while in the Army in 1962 at the age of 24. He then spent seven years trying to get it published with no luck. Toole was so despondent that in 1969 he killed himself. His mother continued to peddle around the huge smudged manuscript, finally getting it to author Walker Percy who reluctantly agreed to read it. Much to his amazement it was astoundingly good. With Percy as a champion the book finally got published.

And promptly won a Pulitzer Prize.

If I may be Oprah for a moment, check it out. Especially if you’re an aspiring writer with a spec script or novel and a stack of rejection letters. Don’t give up. You could be sitting on the next CONFERACY OF DUNCES. Be around to enjoy it.

Here are a couple of excerpts.

Ignatius explains what should be studied for a proper education:

"Then you must begin a reading program immediately so that you may understand the crises of our age," Ignatius said solemnly. "Begin with the late Romans, including Boethius, of course. Then you should dip rather extensively into early Medieval. You may skip the Renaissance and the Enlightenment. That is mostly dangerous propaganda. Now that I think of it, you had better skip the Romantics and the Victorians, too. For the contemporary period, you should study some selected comic books.... I recommend Batman especially, for he tends to transcend the abysmal society in which he's found himself. His morality is rather rigid, also. I rather respect Batman."

And finally, Ignatius has a run in with some women showing their art at a church. He is a hot dog vendor in New Orleans, by the way.

Ignatius lumbered over to the picket fence, abandoning the hopeless cause espoused by the wagon, and viewed the oil paintings and pastels and watercolors strung there. Although the style of each varied in crudity, the subjects of the paintings were relatively similar: camellias floating in bowls of water, azaleas tortured into ambitious flower arrangements, magnolias that looked like white windmills. Ignatius scrutinized the offerings furiously for a while all by himself, for the ladies had stepped back from the fence and had formed what looked like a protective little grouping.

"Oh, my God!" Ignatius bellowed after he had promenaded up and down along the fence. "How dare you present such abortions to the public."

"Please move along, sir," a bold lady said.

"Magnolias don't look like that," Ignatius said, thrusting his cutlass at the offending pastel magnolia. "You ladies need a course in botany. And perhaps geometry, too."

"You don't have to look at our work," an offended voice said from the group, the voice of the lady who had drown the magnolia in question.

"Yes, I do!" Ignatius screamed. "You ladies need a critic with some taste and decency. Good heavens! Which one of you did this camellia? Speak up. The water in this bowl looks like motor oil."

"Let us alone," a shrill voice said.

"You women had better stop giving teas and brunches and settle down to the business of learning how to draw," Ignatius thundered. "First, you must learn how to handle a brush. I would suggest that you all get together and paint someone's house for a start."

"Go away."

"Had you 'artists' had a part in the decoration of the Sistine Chapel, it would have ended up looking like a particularly vulgar train terminal," Ignatius snorted.

"We don't intend to be insulted by a coarse vendor," a spokeswoman for the band of large hats said haughtily.

"I see!" Ignatius screamed. "So it is you people who slander the reputation of the hot dog vendor."

"He's mad."

"He's so common."

"So coarse."

"Don't encourage him."

"We don't want you here," the spokeswoman said tartly and simply.

"I should imagine not!" Ignatius was breathing heavily. "Apparently you are afraid of someone who has some contact with reality, who can truthfully describe to you the offenses which you have committed to canvas."

"Please leave," the spokeswoman ordered.

"I shall." Ignatius grabbed the handle of his cart and pushed off. "You women should all be on your knees begging forgiveness for what I have seen here on this fence."

CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES. I wish I were you and didn’t know how it ends.

Comedy trailers

The eternal conflict between comedy screenwriters and the guys who make trailers: Invariably the trailer will give away the four or five best jokes. Now that’s good for discerning moviegoers because you’ll know in three minutes whether this is a movie worth seeing. If the jokes in the trailer are turds in the punchbowl (or if that specific gag is featured) you know you’re only in for an hour of a half of cinematic waterboarding. But if the jokes make you laugh then maybe there are others in there you’ll find amusing too.

Also, if there is any physical comedy in the movie whatsoever you’ll see it in the trailer. Pratfalls are to comedy previews what explosions are to action films. Pratfalls are such a staple of comedy trailers that they’re included if they don’t appear in the movie. In an earlier post I talked about how my partner and I were once hired to write five funny trailer moments for a comedy that had none. They filmed our gags, built the trailer around them and never put them in the actual movie. By the way, the movie did good business.

This practice even extends to dramas. If a character trips on the way to his execution they’ll feature that in the trailer to show there are lighthearted moments in death camp flicks.

Comedy writers and producers argue that giving away the five best jokes kills the surprise and hurts the movie. But here’s the dirty little secret: Audiences laugh at the big jokes ANYWAY. Even if they know they’re coming, even if they’ve seen them ten times already, they’ll still fall out of their seats. The trailer people are right, damn it.

And in romantic comedy trailers there will always be a scene where one member of the couple sees the other naked, usually in an embarrassing situation. Now if the naked person should fall out a picture window, land in a wedding cake causing it to get all over everybody and have a hilarious quip like “That better be the little bride and groom that’s sticking up my ass” I think the studio can guarantee the biggest opening for a Mike Myers movie EVER.

Netflix pick of the month: THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3

Not the one that’s out now. The real TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3 from 1974. It’s hard to believe that Walter Matthau and Denzel Washington would ever play the same role… and Matthau would play it better. But that’s the case here.

Unlike the remake, the original movie (taken from a novel by Morton Freedgood using the alias “John Godey”) was not driven by star power and splashy action sequences. It was a finely-tuned, unpretentious suspense thriller that held your interest every minute… and actually had some great funny lines.

Matthau as the transit authority dispatcher came with a cynical attitude, hardly your typical heroic figure but far more refreshing. Robert Shaw in the John Travolta chief villain role really sold the fact that he was the smartest bad guy ever. To outwit him would be a challenge. Travolta played it like Vinnie Barbarino gone bad.

The original film posed a couple of nifty questions.

How could a frumpy subway dispatcher outsmart a master criminal?

How could the hijackers escape a sealed subway tunnel?

A couple of quick notes: For some reason the movie doesn’t feel dated. I guess dark tunnels haven’t changed much in 25 years. And the four bad guys assume the names of colors (Mr. Green, Mr. Gray, etc.). Sound familiar? Quentin Tarentino lifted that for RESEVOIR DOGS.

The music by David Shire enhances the tension enormously, as does the crisp direction by Joseph Sargent (who cut his teeth directing TV). The screenplay is by Peter Stone, a sensational screenwriter and playwright. (Among his credits: CHARADE and an overlooked little gem, MIRAGE).

So travel back to the days when movies didn’t have to be blockbusters to be successful. When good stories were more important than good buzz. When the leading man could have jowls. Rent THE TAKING OF PELHAM 1-2-3. It’ll be the best subway ride you’ve ever taken.

Writing tip: Beating jokes

When is something funny enough? That’s a little hard to say since every example is different and every case is subjective. But as a general rule, whenever I write a joke I ask myself two questions.

Is it funny?

What would be funnier?

Just getting a yes on the first question is no easy task. And by funny I mean FUNNY. Not wry, not amusing, not lol, not smiley face, but something that will make people actually laugh. And not just people – strangers. It’s hard. It’s why they used to pay the big money.

So when you feel your joke has passed the rigorous mirth test it’s tempting to take a moment, pat yourself on the back for being a comic genius, and move on to the next triumph That’s what most comedy writers do.

Don’t be one of them. Ask the second question. How can you make the joke funnier? What’s a more offbeat reference that achieves the same result? What’s fresher? Is there a better set up? Is the wording just perfect? Or is there just a better line altogether?

Small example of a joke just to give you a sense of my thought process. When Manny Ramirez was suspended for violating baseball’s drug policy I was asked if I was surprised. My first thought was, “At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Mother Teresa was a dope dealer.” The incongruity of Mother Teresa selling drugs seemed funny. But “is there something better than dope dealer? What I came up with is this: “I wouldn’t be surprised if Mother Teresa was a gun runner.” That seemed to suggest a funnier image, Mother Teresa haggling with terrorists over AK-47’s.

At some point of course you've got to land on a joke and go with it otherwise you can spend the next fifty years trying to get Liz Lemon out of a room. But don't just automatically settle for the first thing you come up with. That sounds obvious but you'd be surprised how many writers do.

A better example is the hilarious current release THE HANGOVER. How many bachelor party gone-bad-in-Vegas screenplays do you think there’ve been? A thousand? Ten? Four idiots getting shitfaced and in trouble in sin city is comic gold. But I bet none of those scripts had tigers, chickens, missing babies, and Mike Tyson. Okay, well most of them didn’t have Mike Tyson. But you catch my drift. Reach.

There’s an expression in the writing room – “Can we beat this joke?” Don’t settle. ESPECIALLY if you’re writing a spec script.

Eventually you’ll train yourself to automatically think that second question. It could be the subtle difference between good and “you’re hired”.

CHEERS: Rat Girl

Here's another one of my favorite CHEERS. David Isaacs and I won a WGA award for this one. Rat Girl. It has my favorite last line from any script we've ever written.

Happy July 4th!!

Hello from San Diego where I am on the road with the Dodgers and the Manny Ramirez traveling circus. From here we fly to New York then Milwaukee. A travelogue will follow.

But for today, a holiday question that could save your life.

Why the hell do people buy home fireworks?

How many fingers and eyebrows do they have to lose? How many trailer parks have to burn down before they learn?

What parent in his right mind with children would set off something called a 12 inch “strike force missile”? Or a “Mad Dog”, “Bazooka Bear”, “Titanium Cracker”, “Dragon’s Wrath”, “Big Mama Jama”, “Brutal Force”,“Nuke Power”, “Pull String Grenade”, “Assorted Color Ammo Smoke”, “Caliber Blast”, “Car Bomb”, “Big Earthquake”, “Jumboshell Fountain”, “Pyrogyro”, “Cracker Jack in a Box”, “Deadly Fire”, “Battle of New Orleans”, “Pay Back”, “Mucho Grande – small” (isn’t that an oxymoron?), “Air Raid”, or of course the ever popular “So X*@! Good”?

Explain to me where these are “safe and SANE”.

Better to go to a city park, ballpark, or Steven Spielberg’s house. Enter a 5K race, cheer on a parade and pray that the grand marshall is someone more impressive than Bob Sagett.

Have a wonderful day. Display your flag proudly. And celebrate the greatness that was America – 1776 to October 2000. And January 2009 to the present.

Manny's back

Dodger slugger/goofball Manny Ramirez ended his 50 game suspension for violating baseball's drug policy Friday night in San Diego as the Dodgers begin a nine game road trip. I'm on that trip and will break in at any moment if there is important Manny news ... like he needs to tie his shoe. Every reporter not covering Michael Jackson is here. It's a media frenzy. Must get back to the game. Manny just walked to the Gatorade bucket. From San Diego and then New York and Milwaukee, this is your intrepid blogger/Dodger Talk host, Perez Levine.

Who was the last customer on CHEERS?

Thanks for your Friday questions. Here are four more:

From Bob Sassone:

Who was it who played the last customer at Cheers, the one who Sam told the bar was closed? I have a friend who insists it was someone famous but I say it was just part of the crew/cast/behind the scenes people.

That final customer was agent Bob Broder. He represented the Charles Brothers, Jimmy Burrows, and more importantly, me and my partner. Bob was instrumental in getting the show on the air and keeping it on the air. Also, he was (and still is) the best agent we ever had.

From another Bob -- Summers:

Do networks really buy shows that they know are only going to make it four or six episodes?

Networks rarely give orders, even short ones, to shows they don’t believe in. If they do it’s usually to fulfill a commitment. A number of years ago there was a comedian NBC wanted to keep in the fold as a possible replacement for Johnny Carson when he retired. So they gave this comedian a six episode order for a sitcom. They hated the resulting episodes so much they kept the show on the shelf for a year. Finally, they decided to just burn it off and air the show.

That show was SEINFELD.

In the past, when networks didn’t own the shows, they tried on several occasions to order six episodes and the studios balked (back in the days when they could). The practice was generally discontinued and shows got picked up for thirteen.

Still there were some short-order shows like for the summer. Our series BIG WAVE DAVE’S was one. Considering it got a 19 share and kept 100% of its lead in, MURPHY BROWN’S audience it deserved a better fate than six and out. Not that I’m bitter all these fucking years later.

Doug R has a good one:

How often does it happen that someone is hired onto a writing staff, and it turns out he or she isn't as good as their spec script or other sample indicated? How long are they given to turn it around before they're given the boot?

Back in primitive times (the 70s) writers were not hired on staff until they turned in a freelance script that impressed the producers enough to hire them on staff. That’s how we got our first two staff jobs (THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, MASH).

But now shows hand out very few freelance assignments. And if someone writes an impressive spec chances are several shows will want him. So to sign him the producer must take a flyer and put him right on staff. No longer is there an opportunity to test the neophyte writer beforehand.

So yes, way too often these people don’t work out. Their scripts don’t live up to their specs, they’re a zero in the writing room, they don’t get any better, and the dazzling spec script gave no indication that they didn’t bathe.

Generally, there are options built into their deal so that after six or thirteen episodes the producer can elect not to pick up their option.

But hiring writers today is like buying a house based on a couple of pictures you’ve seen on the internet.
And finally, from Kevin Stern:

When did you get your first chance to direct for television? What did you have to do campaign-wise to get the job and move out of the writer's room? Were you prepared for the task on your first day/week?

In 1994 I directed an episode of WINGS. The account of that experience is here. I had been auditing directors for several years and during my show running stints I often would reblock scenes, deal with actors, and oversee editing. I once asked Jimmy Burrows what’s the best advice he could give me in preparing to direct? He said, “Get the job” and he’s right. You can audit forever but until you’re the one in the driver’s seat you’re never going to really learn.

But how do you get that first job? In my case, I was lucky. I had been consulting WINGS since the series began so everyone in the production was familiar with me (and a few even liked me). Producers Peter Casey, David Lee, and David Angell took a chance and gave me an assignment. And David Lee was kind enough to spend a whole Saturday helping me with the camera blocking. So the short answer is I knew somebody and caught a good break.

What's your question??

100 things...

I’m working on my new book, 100 ‘100 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE” BOOKS TO READ BEFORE YOU DIE.

I’m still researching but here are some:

100 Suicide Notes to Write Before You Die

100 Paula Marshall Pilots to Watch Before You Die.

100 Doorbells Jehovah’s Witnesses Need to Ring Before They Die.

100 “Best of Sinatra” Albums to Buy Before You Die.

100 Episodes of SILVER SPOONS to Watch Before You Die.

100 Lines to Wait On at Disneyworld Before You Die.

100 Wedding Gift Crock Pots to Return Before You Die.

100 Susan Boyle YouTubes to Watch Before You Die.

100 HBO Channels To Order Before You Die.

100 Reasons to Avoid Women With 100 Cats Before You Die.

100 POLICE ACADEMY Movies to See Before You Die.

100 Starbucks to Visit in Beverly Hills Before You Die.

100 Things to Do With a Cucumber Before You Die.

100 Items to Get at the Sizzlers’ Salad Bar Before You Die (an hour later).

100 AFTERMASH Action-figures to Collect Before You Die.

100 Archive Posts From This Blog You Have to Read Before You Die.

Bonus chapters:

100 Star Trek Conventions to Attend Before You Kill Yourself.

100 Twitter Feeds to Follow After You Die.

You're invited to add your own. "100 Best '100 Best' Comments".