All you ever wanted to know about Extras (people not the show)

Here’s an EXTRA Friday Question:

It’s from RichD.

So the recent mention of WINGS here inspired me to revisit the series on Netflix. While making my way through the first seasons I again noticed the older red-haired woman who worked at Roy's counter, which got me to wonder about the background performers who are the extra-equivalent of series regulars on various shows.

I would assume that these are pretty sweet gigs. When they are first cast is it with the intention that they will be recurring?

Are they hired episode-by-episode or offered a season long contract? While I'm assuming that they aren't there for table reads, how much different is their schedule from the speaking cast?

Usually the extras (or “background” as they are also called) who are essentially regulars are also stand-ins for the main cast. They’re the same height and size of the stars. During the days when directors are blocking the show with the camera crew these extras stand-in during the long somewhat arduous process of assigning individual shots. Here’s a fun fact: Do you know who Bill Cosby’s stand-in was on THE COSBY SHOW? None other than Samuel L. Jackson. This was before he became an Avenger.

Certain extras do become de facto regulars. On MASH we used the same nurses. I don’t know if I ever knew all their last names but they were Sherry, Gwen, Kellye. And over time a few extras were given lines. Kellye for one, and Jeff Maxwell as Igor. And of course, the extra’s extra – Roy Goldman (pictured: right).

Roy used to show up in every 20th Century Fox show. He’s on juries, he’s at picnics, he’s the back of Hitler’s head in Mel Brooks’ TO BE OR NOT TO BE. Roy was the Where’s Waldo of 20th. Or at least Zelig.

Don’t know your definition of “sweet gig”. Extras don’t get paid that handsomely and frankly, it’s pretty boring. They spend an inordinate amount of time just waiting or standing, or waiting and standing.

On the other hand, they’re IN the business. They go to work at Hollywood studios. They’re on the stage, they get fed, and in many cases they form friendships with the cast and crew. So on the list of jobs that suck – hanging out with George Clooney all day would not be one of them.

I’m sure some extra assignments are worse than others. I wouldn’t want to be a knight on GAME OF THRONES, standing around in heavy armor all day. And a friend of mine got a gig on a movie and was told to report to Six Flags Magic Mountain at 5:00 AM. Fun, she thought. For three days she rode a roller-coaster for twelve hours a day. Can you imagine? Over and over and over again. She almost died.

On single-camera shows extras are just hired for the days they’re needed. Could be one, could be five days a week.

On multiple-camera shows they’re hired for two days – camera blocking and shooting day.

Now everyone has cellphones, but I remember on CHEERS we’d take a break before the afternoon runthrough and all the extras would form a long line at the phone booth outside the stage to call their answering machines to see if they had a gig lined up for the next day.

Pay scale: Extras make much less than speaking actors. And by speaking I mean even one line. This is why for the most part extras just react but don’t speak. I believe they can speak as a group (like cheering for someone), but no individual lines without being bumped up to actor status for that episode.

A famous example is Al Rosen, the old guy at the bar on CHEERS. (Sorry for the fuzzy foto.)  He had been an extra for a couple of years and then one episode we gave him a line. I forget the set-up but his answer was “Sinatra.” From then on whenever we gave him a line he was listed in the cast as “Man Who Said Sinatra.”

Not sure the conditions of their hiring – I assume most are on a day-by-day basis, although stand-ins and recurring extras might be hired on a more long term arrangement. And I assume there’s no exclusivity. If an extra gets a higher-paying speaking part elsewhere, I’m sure they’re free to take it.

Whenever I directed a show and we had extras in various scenes I always instructed the Second Assistant Director (whose job it was to organize the background) to try to stage the scenes in such a way that all of the extras get at least a little on-camera time. I always feel bad for the extras who stand around for three days and then are never seen.

On the other hand, extras can sometimes kill you. One idiot will be looking into the camera or not reacting and it distracts from the scene. So if you ever get to be an extra someday DON’T DO THAT. You’ll find your career is a very very short one.  Someone else will be hanging out with George Clooney instead of you, and if that isn't a deterrent I don't know what one is.  

Adam Carolla is a moron!

Adam Carolla’s comments in the NEW YORK POST this week are so unbelievably stupid they almost don’t dignify a response. Here’s a portion of the interview. 

POST: The lesson you learned from a sexual harassment seminar was “Don’t hire chicks.” Do you hate working with women?

CAROLLA: No. But they make you hire a certain number of chicks, and they’re always the least funny on the writing staff. The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”

POST: The “are women funny” debate has grown very contentious. You’re not worried about reactions to this?

CAROLLA: I don’t care. When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds. When it comes to comedy, of course there’s Sarah Silverman, Tina Fey, Kathy Griffin — super-funny chicks. But if you’re playing the odds? No.

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was? Honestly.

I’m embarrassed to be in a same species as this fucking idiot. His ignorance is just staggering.

I mean his argument is so misguided and wrong that there’s really no need to even refute it. Of course women are funny. And not just the three he mentioned. If I were putting together a writing staff I would hire any one of these women in a second:

Robin Schiff
Jenny Johnson
Nell Scovell
Jane Espenson
Alexa Junge
Merrill Markoe
Shana Goldberg-Meehan
Jenny Bicks
Heide Perlman
Liz Astrof
Treva Silverman
Dana Klein
Janis Hirsch
Kate Angelo
Anne Flett-Giordano
Suzanne Martin
Jenn Crittenden
Cheri Steinkellner
Kathy Ann Stumpe
Annie Levine
Mindy Kaling
Linda Teverbaugh
Eileen Heisler
DeAnn Heline
Ilana Wernick
Samantha Bee
Ellie Kemper
Laurie Kilmartin
Kathleen Madigan
Christine Nangle
Kelly Oxford
Gina Gold
Lizz Winstead
Elizabeth Meriwether
Dottie Zicklin
Nahnatchka Khan
Tracy Newman
Jennifer Celotta
Wendy Goldman
Lori Kirkland
Terri Minsky
Joyce Gitlin
Cathy Yuspa
Rachel Sweet
Susan Beavers
Janet Leahy
Regina Stewart
Danielle Sanchez-Witzel
Nancy Steen
Caroline Williams
Betsy Thomas
Eileen Conn
Marley Sims
Jennifer Fisher
Ellen Byron
Diane English
Lissa Kapstrom
Cindy Chupak
Sheila Lawrence
Maya Forbes
Miriam Trogdon
Laurie Gelman

And those are just writers, and I’m sure I’ve accidentally omitted several names and there are many other terrific women writers who I just have not worked with or am familiar with but should be. (There are also comediennes, playwrights, authors, actresses, you name it.)

On the other hand, let me tell you who I wouldn’t hire:

Adam Carolla

Despite his very impressive comedy credentials – host of a podcast, host of a failed morning radio show, host of several failed TV talk shows on cable networks, and contestant on CELEBRITY APPRENTICE – he’s just not that funny. 

Adam Carolla also sees himself as a contractor who can build houses. I bet if I did a little research I could name fifty women who could build houses better.

Random rants

Otherwise known as "Short attention-span blogging"…

There’s something terribly wrong when the animated episode of COMMUNITY is eligible for an Emmy but not episodes of existing animated series.  I say THE SIMPSONS should kill Bart and submit it for Best Drama. 

Arsenio Hall is back. He’ll have a late-night talk show next fall. Can Joan Rivers, Magic Johnson, Tempest Bledsoe, Craig Kilbourne, Tony Danza, and Caroline Rhea be far behind?

SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN is one of the few success stories this summer boxoffice season. Someone compared it to DIE HARD. Really? Will studio pitches by writers now be Snow White on a train, Snow White on a cruise ship?

The Critics Choice Awards were given out last night. What? You hadn’t heard? HOMELAND won Best Drama. What’s significant is that MAD MEN lost. COMMUNITY won as Best Comedy but only finished second as best Cartoon Series.  Julianne Moore was named the Best Actress in a Movie/Mini-series for GAME CHANGE. So Sarah Palin finally won something.

The three things in life you can always count on -- death, taxes, and Adam Sandler's new movie bombing. How many more until Hollywood finally gets wise and realizes he’s the next Mike Myers?

From my daughter, Annie on air travel: Why would anyone pay for headphones to see THE ARTIST?

A writer friend of mine wondered -- Rodney king had swimming pool?


Glad SUITS is back. But I don’t know why everyone makes a big deal about the young attorney. He’s Doogie Lawyer. The real star is the other guy -- Gabriel Macht. He’s this year’s Julian McMahon.

Can’t wait for the new Aaron Sorkin show.  It debuts Sunday night on HBO. 

I'm especially looking forward to Jane Fonda playing her former husband, Ted Turner.   Not only did she get a nice settlement in the divorce, now she can write off the entire marriage as research.  

It’s the graduation time of the year, complete with commencement speeches. So far, the most inspiring this June comes from Universal President and COO, Ron Meyer, who told the graduating seniors of UCLA “You don’t have to be an asshole to succeed.”

Warning to Mariners fans: I’ll be calling the games this weekend in San Diego.


Creepiest idea ever: The Landmark Theaters in West L.A. (and I assume elsewhere) have a theater with no chairs. Just couches. That’s fine for couples. But there are also longer couches, which you are asked to share with complete strangers. Yeah, I want to see MAGIC MIKE sitting next to two guys I don’t know. Or the TWILIGHT SAGA with two teenagers going at it.

A number of you have asked what I thought of the new book for former NBC President, Warren Littlefield? I’ve very much looking forward to it, but haven’t read it yet.  From what I hear, he claims Don Ohlmeyer did not live by Ron Meyer's rule. 

Who do Red Soxs fans hate more -- Alex Rodriguez or Bobby Valentine?

Roger Clemens was acquitted yesterday of all perjury charges. I don’t think there’s one baseball fan who still doesn’t believe he took steroids.

There’s a new Jiffy Lube opening in Reseda. Scheduled to appear: the Stanley Cup.

Thanks to everyone who has bought my new book. Please feel free to write an overly complimentary review on the Amazon page. Or buy it if you haven’t already.

I noticed this at two airports last weekend: A sign as you entered TSA security checks said if you were born on this day in 1937 or before you no longer had to remove your belt and shoes. I guess it’s official. The retirement age for terrorists is now 75.


And finally, congratulations to June Foray who just won a Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Performance in an Animated Program. How old is June? Let’s just say she hasn’t had to take her belt and shoes off for almost twenty years. You may not know the name but you sure know the pipes. June is the voice of Rocky the flying Squirrel, Natasha, a bunch of Smurfs, and only a million others. Iconic Looney Tunes director, Chuck Jones once said, "June Foray is not the female Mel Blanc, Mel Blanc was the male June Foray." Congratulations, June. Many more.

Welcome to the Hotel Zico California

Spent the weekend in Northern California. Attended the graduation ceremonies at Stanford. My daughter-in-law, Kim received her doctorate in Electrical Engineering. I offered to punch-up her thesis but she said no, it was funny enough. We’re all very proud of her. My dad asked if she could prescribe marijuana.

Needless to say, finding a room anywhere between Gilroy and Daly City on graduation weekend was a chore. The decent places jacked up their rates and were reserved for a year.  And since it's Stanford, they charged even more. 

So we had to be creative. Looking on line we discovered the Hotel Zico in nearby Mountain View. It was described as a “Mediterranean style boutique hotel.” We like Mediterranean style boutique hotels.   So we booked it for the weekend.

The description went on to say it was “nestled in a soothing suburban setting.” That was our first clue that perhaps we were somewhat misled.


The Hotel Zico is right off the 85 Freeway. And by right off I mean, it was practically in the carpool lane. The hotel entrance was poorly marked and tucked behind an on-ramp. So if you turn one minute too soon you wind up on the freeway headed to Los Altos.

The Zico is flanked by this roaring freeway on one side and a giant electrical tower on the other. As for the building itself, perhaps a “Mediterranean style warehouse” might have been more precise.

The clerk at the desk was Wilford Brimley with a long pony-tail twisted to look like a rope extending down to his back. I glanced around warily just to make sure there were no stuffed birds on the desk.  I said we didn’t want rooms facing the freeway (Annie was with us).  So we were assigned to the electrical tower side. To block that eye-sore, large trees are practically pressed against the side of the building. So there was no light in the room whatsoever.  Dracula could have woken up at noon and had the whole day. And to ensure that your room was as dark as a Kentucky coal mine during a lunar eclipse, the bathroom was painted dark blue.


The room had a sickly chemical smell as if they were purposely hiding something. I kept imagining Janet Leigh’s body parts hidden in the walls. The bathtub was filthy and there was one towel for two people. Ants scurried across the desk. Annie’s room key had to be re-programmed seven times.

From the hotel website: “Just 35 miles south of San Francisco puts the best of the bay area’s restaurants, shops, and attractions temptingly close.” A) 35 miles is only close if you’re traveling by helicopter, and B) the attractions that are “temptingly close” are – a Burger King, a Jack in the Box, a tire shop, and a tobacco store.

They boast wonderful amenities. No pool, no Jacuzzi, but a private bocci ball court, and a “mini store” in the lobby, which was two vending machines.

Got back to the room Friday night at 11:00 only to discover that there was major construction going on on the freeway. Jackhammers and drills practically in the room. The walls were shaking. At any moment I expected Janet Leigh’s leg to pop out.

I called the front desk. Wildord assured me they were told whenever there would be construction and they hadn’t received any warning about tonight. So, what, I’m making it up? It’s not really happening? I asked to be moved. He said they were sold out. By the way, I should mention, over a three day period I did not see one other guest, ever.

So these were our sleeping options: Keep the window closed, hear only muffled deafening construction but swelter. Keep the window open and try to sleep with the jackhammers in your ear. Window closed and turn the air conditioning on. The A/C was a wall unit from 1964 that made more noise than the work crew. Or take advantage of one of Hotel Zico’s many fine amenities: ear plugs.

On Saturday night it was the same story. Although this time it sounded like they were dropping giant concrete chunks from a bridge to the ground. Loud teeth-rattling crashes joined the jacks. My wife and I are in bed. She’s trying to read. I’m trying to find the Giants-Mariners game on TV. They don’t carry that channel. HGTV but no Comcast Sports.  Another world-class amenity. At 11:00 our room phone rings, startling us. It’s Wilford. Apparently the guest in the room underneath called and complained we were jumping. What the fuck?!  She thought the noise from the freeway was coming from our room???

That’s when I put on my shoes, marched downstairs, and went all Sam Kinison on this clerk.

Checked out the next morning. Again, never saw another guest. There was a new clerk at the desk. She made the mistake of asking how our stay was. I ran down the list. She was completely unmoved. No reaction at all. I mentioned I write travel books. Nothing.  Let's see when I alert them to this blog post. 

So that’s my charming stay at the Hotel Zico.  My rating: From 1-10 with 10 being best, I give it a 1. I’d give them a zero but I suppose it’s worth a point that my body parts aren’t now in the walls.

My Next Life by Woody Allen

On this Father’s Day (the most sacred holiday of the year) I’d like to wish a happy one to my dad, who also happens to be my hero, mentor, and best friend.

Here are some pithy Father’s Day quotes:

“To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” -- Ernest Hemingway

“A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.” -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.” -- Bill Cosby

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.” -- William Shakespeare (especially if the mother is Anna Nicole)

"When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." – Mark Twain

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.” -- Charles Wadsworth

And finally, a salute to Screaming Jay Hawkins. Screaming Jay was a r&b/blues singer. His big hit was “I Put a Spell on You” in which he came out of a coffin. The man was a crowd pleaser. And also a lady pleaser it seems. Upon his death when it was time to divvy up the estate it was discovered he had 57 children. Screaming Jay will not be saluted on Planned Parenthood day.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there. Note to wives and daughters: Dad wants copies of my new book, available in Kindle version and in paperback. 

The Best of Batman

I imagine people are already getting in line for the opening of THE DARK KNIGHT RISES, the new Batman movie that opens July 12th. As a way to climb on that batwagon and plug my book -- THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s) I thought I would include the passage

about "our" Batman and feature some examples. The Kindle version is available now as is the paperback. There are no ads on this blog you'll notice. The way you can support this site is to buy my book. Hey, you'll get a lot more enjoyment out of it than a PBS tote bag. Here's where you go for the Kindle. And this link'll get you the paperback.   Thanks so much!

...January 12, 1966

That’s the night Batman premiered.

It instantly became my new favorite show. Me and everyone else under 20. “Camp” and “kitsch” were the zeitgeist of the day and the Caped Crusader was its superhero. Fight scenes were punctuated with on-screen comic book words POW! BAM! ZONK! The Caped Crusader was played by an actor who had the agility of a hunchback. But Adam West’s goofy sincerity struck just the right chord and this tongue-in-cheek comedy was an instant smash (Sorry. I meant SMASH!).

You look back at those old Batman episodes and think, “What schlock!” And in fairness, by season two we thought that too. By the time Otto Preminger played a villain, we had moved on.

Is it worth it to go to film school?

Here are this week’s Friday Questions. What’s yours?

Gareth Wilson asks:

Actual working screenwriters seem very skeptical about the relevance of film school to screenwriting employment. I gather that a diploma from even the best film school is meaningless when trying to get work. So is it possible to design a course that actually teaches you to write salable scripts, and what would it look like?

It really all depends on who your teacher is. My partner, David Isaacs, teaches screenwriting at USC and is terrific. USC has a very prestigious program but if David were teaching at the DeVry Institute I would say go there instead.

To me the real value in going to a noted film school is that they provide better networking opportunities when you get out. The UCLA, USC, NYU, Yale, Harvard, Northwestern mafias do exist.

As for a class teaching you how to write salable scripts – at the end of the day you have to have the talent to write scripts anyone would buy. Courses can provide the guidelines but ultimately you’ve got to have the chops.


If I may be immodest for a moment, I think the best single course for learning how to write sitcoms is my Sitcom Room seminar that I offer every fall. It’s the only course that really simulates what a working environment is like and gives you a chance to write for actors then see your work performed. To my knowledge it’s the only class like it. There’s only so much theory you can digest. You learn by being given a solid foundation and then asked to do it.

Ger Apeldoorn queries:

Joe Keenan once said, that although the farces were hammered out in the room just like any story, he preferred to take them home to work out the plot points. Are there any other things that are hard to do in a room?

Uh, yeah. EVERYTHING. Breaking stories is particularly tough. The good news about doing them in a room is you get different ideas. But the bad news is often times these ideas coming from every direction only creates more confusion.

For the same reason, it’s often hard in a room to write a detailed argument. Too many voices. Can you imagine room-writing an episode of WEST WING? Heads would explode.

From ao:

Who decides on which pilot to pick up? What happens to the ones that were not picked up? Just shove into the dark space of pilot black hole? And will TV networks ever air pilots that were never picked up for us (the audience)? At least show it online. I would love to see it.

Network top brass make the final decisions. You’d think they would simply pick up the best shows, but it’s much more complicated than that. Other factors include testing, commitments, whether they own the show or not, license fees, desire to be in business with a certain piece of talent, target demographics, need, time slot, compatibility with other shows, trends, etc. There’s a lot of horse trading that goes on behind-the-scenes.

It used to be if a pilot didn’t get picked up the network would gladly sell it to another network. They are then off the hook financially. But when NBC picked up THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN after ABC passed and it became a big hit, ABC was very embarrassed. So for a long time if a network passed on a pilot they would rather just eat the cost then chance that someone else could turn it into a big hit.

But that was in a different economy. Today networks are again happy to have studios shop failed pilots around. Recouping their investment is worth more than possible embarrassment.

There was one case where David Frankel took his failed pilot, sold it as a short film and won an Oscar for it. And from time to time in LA, a small theater will stage failed pilots as if they were one act plays.

You’re welcome to come by the house and I’ll show you my failed pilots.


Liggie wants to know:

Friday question, professional advice edition. How do you prepare your voice for the long baseball broadcasts? I've started a job in the travel industry where I have to talk for four hours straight (ticket counter, line organizer, direction giver), and my throat's shot when I go home.

First, learn how to use your voice. Learn how to breathe and how to speak from your diaphragm and not your throat. The best vocal teacher in Los Angeles is Darlene Koldenhoven (I know. Great name, isn’t it?).

Protect your voice. Avoid loud rooms and clubs where you have to shout to be heard. Don’t have dairy products before a broadcast. It causes phlegm. So stay away from ice cream.

Air conditioning is also an enemy of the voice. 

If possible, do some vocal exercises before your shift. Always have plenty of water. Stay hydrated. Keep your vocal chords lubricated. Hot tea and honey is also good. Alcohol is not.

Suck hard candy. That’s what Vin Scully does.


And finally, relax. Tense voices are strained voices. Here again, breathing is key. Pace yourself, do the necessary preparations, breathe right, and you should be okay. Unless you’re calling hockey. How does Doc Emrick do it???

MAD MEN season 5 review

Okay, I gave you a few days to catch up on the MAD MEN finale. If you still haven’t seen it, then SPOILER ALERT. But if you have, or don’t care then read on.

I’m very curious as to your opinion of this season. A number of critics I admire and who analyze the shit out of the show every week took issue with the fact that this year they (and by they I mean Matt Weiner of course) spelled things out more than ever before. In the final episode Pete tells the new love of his life (who has no idea who he is after her recent shock treatment – there’s always some little complication between young lovers) everything that’s wrong with his life. And Don reveals to Peggy his fear that important people in his life always leave him. There are four or five other examples along the way. 

The critics contend that these admissions are quite bald and very uncharacteristic of MAD MEN. The show (and by the show I mean Matt Weiner of course) always prided itself on its subtlety. The writing staff (and by writing staff I mean Matt Weiner, of course) seemed to give the audience more credit in the past – that they could figure out these attitudes and emotions themselves. They didn’t them to be spelled out.


And that’s true. MAD MEN at its best uses behavior, originality, and surprising story turns to convey the most complex emotions and ideas. No explanations are needed. How the characters react to situations informs us of who they are and what they want. No one does that better than Matt Weiner (and by Matt Weiner I mean Matt Weiner of course).

But that subtlety comes with a price. The audience has to WANT TO put in the time and effort to gleam the themes and decipher the intended messages. When they do it’s great! You have real watercooler television. People taking the time to debate your show. It doesn’t get any better than that (except for awards and money and fame). But if the audience isn’t as invested or loses interest and doesn't want to play then there’s the danger of losing them completely.

For that reason I didn’t really mind the more overt explanations. I worry that the show may have a bigger problem. I wonder if fans are starting to get tired of these characters’ dilemmas. To me the common theme was that nobody was happy even though everybody should have been happy. Whatever they had wasn’t enough. After awhile you start feeling you’re watching THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MADISON AVENUE.   As a writer, this has always been my test:  If the audience might say, "I wish I had that problem" then construct a different problem. 

If I could respectfully make one suggestion for next season it would be to make the characters’ plight more relatable and sympathetic.   I think back to the first season.   I even loved Betty.

That said, I thought there were some brilliant episodes and moments in this year’s shows. The Richard Speck installment was riveting. I love Ginsburg. Can’t get enough Sally. Roger on LSD should be his permanent state. Joan can do no wrong even when she does. You can’t punch Pete enough. And Peggy going all “Lou Pinella” on Don after the botched presentation was maybe the best scene of the year.

But the competition is getting tougher, it’s harder and harder to top yourself, and Matt Weiner has his work cut out for him (and by Matt Weiner I mean Don Draper, of course).

I will be on a podcast

Today at 7 PM EDT/4 PM PDT I'll be Stu Shostak guest on his weekly podcast.  We'll be talking MASH, television, and my new book THE ME GENERATION... BY ME.  (Kindle version here.  Paperback here.) 

Anywho, here's the link to Stu's site.  Should be fun.   Hey, the man's had Betty White on his show.  And from I hear, she's going to be really pissed if you don't buy my book. 

Advice for young writers

A question I’m always asked is:

If I’m writing a spec script for an existing sitcom, should it be in a two-act or three-act format.

Some backstory. For years sitcoms followed the two-act formula. There was a big commercial break in the middle. Then some networks decided it would easier to retain the audience if they sprinkled the commercials throughout. Thus there were two breaks during the body of the show, not one. And thus the three-act format was born (or hatched).

This is important information because it means that the template was changed not so that stories could be better told but because of commerce.

My feeling always was that if I did my job and constructed an act break strong enough, it would hold the viewer through the commercials. The great Carl Reiner had an expression when he ran THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. He wanted his act breaks to be “Hey, Maes!” The husband is watching the show in the living room and the act break is so compelling he yells out to his wife who’s in another room, “Hey, Mae! You gotta get out here and see this!”

The two-act structure is clearly better for storytelling in such a brief period of time. Plays can be three-acts, but they can also be three hours. Sitcoms get about twenty minutes. The two-act format: In the first act you build to a peak problem. Then in the second you resolve it. Nice. Neat. Hopefully the animated promo for WHITNEY at the bottom of the screen is not too distracting and you can follow the storyline. In the three-act structure you work towards a problem in the first act, work towards a complication in the second, and then have only a few minutes to resolve it in the third. Sometimes the animated promos are as long as the acts.

So what do you do if you’re writing a spec for an existing sitcom and they employ the three-act model? First, I would always follow the format the show uses. Showing them how they could do their series better does not generally win points.

But I would hedge. I would make one of the act breaks very strong, preferably the first one. The second is a complication and I’d make it a funny one if possible. So you’re ending that act on a good laugh. This structure does have one advantage: It forces you to get right to your story and build to an act break quickly. Young writers often get lost meandering around at the beginning of their scripts, trying to find the voices of the characters and just get comfortable writing that show. This structure reduces that.

Here’s how I plot out sitcom episodes: I come up with premise, then decide the act break (or breaks), arrive at a conclusion, and then fill in from there. I don’t plot A to B to C to D. I plot A to D to F then fill in B, C, etc. And along the way I’m always looking for the funniest, cleverest, most surprising ways to tell that story.

One other point: You have to follow this three-act structure because that’s what your show uses. But agents are also going to ask you for original material. At that point it’s totally up to you. It’s your pilot. You set the format. See how the story works best for you. Or, if you write a one-act play, it can be one-act.

As always, best of luck. Someone has to break through. Why not you?

Note:  Longtime readers of this blog know that whenever I can't find an appropriate photo I post one of Natalie Wood.  

What was HBO thinking???

HEMINGWAY & GELLHORN is so bad that if Hemingway were still alive this would have killed him. It’s hard to believe HBO could miss so badly but this is the HEAVEN’S GATE of cable.

What it’s supposed to be: a sweeping historic romance between two colorful larger-than-life characters.

What it really is: a seeping hysterical booty call between two cartoon characters.

Clive Owens plays Kevin Kline playing Cole Porter playing Ernest Hemingway. And he is Oscar worthy compared to Nicole Kidman’s performance, which wouldn’t get her cast as a walk-on in a high school play. Her take on a hard-bitten, hard drinking, bad-ass journalist Martha Gellhorn was absolutely laughable. Carol Kane would be more believable.

Every macho bullshit cliché is included in this bomb. Papa reels in giant marlins, has a rifle collection, mounted big game, drinks out of the bottle, eats raw onions, sings rebellious anthems, plays Russian roulette, wears flak jackets, and goes off to wars. Except when he’s at the wars he just sorta hangs out. Picture Geraldo Rivera in Iraq.


Nicole doesn’t pack a gun but never goes off to the front without her trusty red lipstick.  War is Hell-ena Rubenstein. 

The turgid, sexually-charged dialogue between her and “Papa” sounds like an old script from DRAGNET. I’m telling you, there are more laughs in the first ten minutes of this movie than the entire season of WHITNEY.

Typical line of cheesy dialogue: “FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS is selling like ice cream in hell.”

One stylistic device they employ is blending into black-and-white. But they fade in and out of it completely at will. Forty-five times. And sometimes for good measure, they tint the color sepia. Remember how your grandma used to keep adjusting her first color TV? That’s what this was like.

Every frame of this movie is bogus. One of my favorite moments: Nicole has arrived in Spain. She’s in her hotel room, sleeping. The door bursts open and Papa storms in with three documentary filmmakers. They set the camera up at the window. We see out the window. Cut to actual newsreel footage: no less than half a million people are in the streets as troops march forth. None of this would wake her up? Later she storms beaches. Thank God the lipstick is waterproof. 

But they saved the very worst for the last. At this point the film stopped being unintentionally funny and became just jaw-droppingly atrocious. Should you make it to the end (and I doubt you will), there’s maybe the worst scene in the history of cinema. Nicole is observing the horrors of the concentration camps. Her concerned face is super-imposed over these gruesome shots and then dissolves into a skull. I just sat there flabbergasted. They didn’t really do that? They couldn’t really do that? Well… they did.


Worth noting is the supporting cast: Some terrific actors just wasted. Robert Duvall, David Strathairn (adventures in bad make up), Tony Shalhoub (no Emmy this time, Tony), Parker Posey, and Bob from BECKER.  That’s right. Bob is in it!  

What bothers me most about this astounding misfire is that it's a movie about writers. How many of them are there? They’re a hard-sell at best. We’re generally less exciting and cinematic as say Navy Seals. So when one is made and sucks it just makes it harder for the rest of us to get our movies. This is especially true in my case now that I have a new book out. A big budget film set in the swinging ‘60s about a teenage dork who draws comic books and can’t get to the beach because he can’t drive yet suddenly is no longer a slam dunk to be made. Thank you, HBO. First you give us LUCK and than this. I need a drink.

My 2012 Tony Awards Show Review

Time once again to review the lowest rated Awards show in America – the Tonys. I have more Twitter followers than Tony Awards Show viewers. And in L.A. it competed with the Gay Pride Parade so no one was watching.

Thus it’s understandable that there was no pre-Tony’s Red Carpet Show, which is a shame. Would love to see Ant and Miss South Carolina broadcasting from the Times Square R Train subway platform as all the stars got off.

The Tonys are also the only awards show to still be tape-delayed to the West Coast. I think they will air sometime next Thursday.

Part of the problem is that no one outside of Manhattan and Fire Island know any of the nominated shows. The two big musicals were NEWSIES from a 20-year-old Disney movie starring songbirds Christian Bale and Robert Duvall and ONCE, the small Irish movie that delighted audiences in all twelve art houses it screened in.

But the Tonys are only once a year in the summer so you can understand why CBS continues to air it despite so little interest. I mean it’s not like it’s a weekly series about Broadway. What network would be crazy enough to have one of those, spend big bucks on it, and then renew it? Even NBC couldn’t be that foolish, could they?

Usually the purpose of the Tonys is to celebrate excellence in New York theater, but this year it was to pimp the Royal Caribbean cruise line. They even featured a ten minute number from HAIRSPRAY direct from a ship in the Atlantic Ocean. Why spend money on a big name host? Next year just have cruise director Sergio emcee the Tony Awards.

My delightfully caustic daughter, Annie and her writing partner, Jon Emerson are also contributing this year. Annie (during the JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR number): “That musical has had more revivals than Jesus.”

Host Neil Patrick Harris was charming as ever, but his opening number didn’t have the same zing and sodomy jokes that last year’s had. Cruise director Sergio will be better next year. You’ll see.


The big surprise was James Corden winning Best Actor in a Play over Philip Seymour Hoffman, Frank Langella, John Lithgow, and James Earl Jones. I suppose if you want to outperform some of the greatest actors of our time just smash a trash can lid on your head.

Very happy that Nina Arianda won even though you’re saying who is she and what did she win for?

This year we had JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR, GODSPELL, THE BOOK OF MORMON, and LEAP OF FAITH. Don’t producers know that JEWS are the people who go to the theater? What’s next? A Mel Gibson one-man show?

Let’s face it -- the big prize for a dazzling performance on Broadway isn’t a Tony. It’s a TV series the following season. Congratulations to Andrew Rannells and Josh Gad!

Have not seen Best Play, CLYBOURNE PARK but hear it’s wonderful. All the nominees this year were supposedly great. They’ll get their chance again next year when they’re all up for Best Revival of a Play.

The theater community was thrilled and relieved when Audra McDonald finally won for lead actress. Her four other Tonys were just for supporting actress. Highlight of her speech was saying it was an honor to get raped by Philip Boykin every night.

How nice to have an awards show where the “Harvey” they’re saluting is Fierstein not Weinstein.

DEATH OF A SALESMAN won for best revival of a play, which makes sense since it’s maybe the best contemporary play ever written.

Was I dreaming? Did they really play walk-off music when Mike Nichols was making his acceptance speech? Seriously? They devote ten minutes to a bunch of Croatian kids singing a HAIRSPRAY medley but have no time for Mike Nichols?

Sheryl Crow looked fabulous! May she look that way for the next forty years.

ONCE was the big musical winner. I’ll see it on my next Royal Caribbean cruise to Costa Rica.

CBS kept promo’ing Ricky Martin as if that was a big deal.

In Los Angeles this was a Channel 2 news tease: “A mother and her two kids are missing. The search after the Tony Awards.” As if the search party couldn’t be torn away from their TVs while Ricky Martin was still scheduled to perform. 

The universally panned GHOST performed a number. To show that Mark Evans was the ghost he was followed by a blue spotlight. Annie said, “Why not just throw a sheet over his head and call it a day?”

Ellen Barkin has turned into Cloris Leachman.


I always find in unnerving to see a Judy Garland impersonator who isn’t a man.

Not hard to guess what demographic watches the Tonys. Sponsors included Embrel, Celebrex, and Cymbalta. I’m sure when the ship stops in Mexico you can pick up all of them for a fraction of their regular price.

The production numbers are always more fun at the Macy's Parade where they do the same thing but in 20 degree weather. If I don't see steam coming out of mouths I'm not as transported.

Ever notice that every Broadway musical has these same two songs -- “Love Me For Who I Am” and “I Have to Follow My Dream”? Or did you just fast-forward the minute you saw Matthew Broderick attempting to dance?

Play people take themselves waaaaaaaay too seriously. Musical people take nothing seriously. I prefer musical people.

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER won for best scenic design of a play. I thought it had no set. And it was up for Best Play even though there’s singing and dancing.  Hell, submit it for an Oscar as Best Foreign Film.  

Of all the great songs in FOLLIES, they chose that one? Danny Burnstein’s orange suit blended right into the red curtains. This won’t be a problem on the Royal Caribbean because the stage curtain is blue. And a Bingo tournament follows the show! 


Bernadette Peters was exquisite in her strapless purple gown. It’s what the well-dressed mermaids are all wearing this season.

Notice the guy with the giant Lion King head in the audience? I’m guessing that was the only person in the audience you were able to identify. Good luck to the poor schmucks sitting behind him. Annie: “As if Julie Taymor isn’t hated enough.” Jon: “Ruining the experience one person at a time.”

As usual, off stage announcer, Randy Thomas, was smooth and flawless. I want to win just so someday I could hear her say my name (and maybe plug my book).

Judith Light won the Tony for best revival of a face.

Tony speeches tend to be more heartfelt than other backslapfests. Lots of tears, even from the women. I loved when James Corden acknowledged the mother of his child and said, “I can’t wait to marry you.”

PORGY & BESS won Best Revival of a Musical. It seemed like thirty producers got up to accept the prize. All of them white.

Mandy Patinkin and Patti LaPone were presenters together. That’s like Godzilla and Mothra on the same stage. There must be teeth marks on every piece of backstage scenery at the Beacon and three neighboring theaters.

Otherwise, Hugh Jackman won an award for being Hugh Jackman. Ricky Martin was not worth the hype. Side effects of Cymbalta include a fast heart rate, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, canker sores, high cholesterol, and acne.

The show ran over. Normally that’s no big deal but there are three missing people out there with no one looking for them.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to join the after-theater crowd for an elegant midnight barbeque buffet on the Lido Deck.

Sea you at the theater!

My new book is now available in paperback

Okay, all of you who said you'd wait for the paperback when the Kindle came out, now's your chance to make good. Please go here to order. Many thanks. And of course the Kindle version is still available right here.

Seriously, it would make a great Father's Day gift and if you order now you'll have it in plenty of time.  Trust me, Dad doesn't want a brunch.  He wants THIS. 

Here are two reviews -- one from someone I don't even know.  Tomorrow I review the Tonys (not that anyone will watch them). 

Fun and funny stuff....an entertaining look back at the 60's through the eyes of a normal L.A. valley boy... insightful and dead-on. The Claudine Longet chapter was worth the price of the book by itself! Jam-packed with hilarious morsels, this book is nice because it's not some cheap 120 page double spaced nothing like one often seems to find in books attempting comedy. Anyone who grew up during or around this decade is sure to love it. ...Amusing and enjoyable read!

-Frida

Ken Levine is a true pro and gentleman who writes with amazing charm, candor, insight and self-deprecation. The man's humanity comes shining through on every page. It's the story of a real guy telling a real story about a genuine slice of American life, not another navel-gazing treatise on the tumult we've heard a million times before. You emerge from this quick and exhilarating read feeling like this a guy you want to know better. He isn't afraid to show his nerdy warts or to admit he loves his parents. Indeed, something emerges in the prose that's uplifting and unexpected: We see a side of the '60s we haven't experienced before -- the real side featuring ordinary people leading ordinary lives. There's a sublime grace in that. Bravo to Ken for a book that's as honest as it is entertaining.

-Ray Richmond -- Contributor, Deadline Hollywood

You'll be supporting this ad-free blog (hint hint), alleviating yourself of any guilt, and enjoying a look back at a happier time when no one knew how to dress. 

Should announcers say there's a no-hitter going on?

YES!!

This topic always crops up whenever there’s a no-hitter in progress. The latest example was last night in Seattle where six Mariner pitchers combined to no-hit the Los Angeles Dodgers. I wasn’t watching the Dodger telecast with Eric Collins so I don’t know how he handled it. I watched the Mariners’ telecast with Dave Sims and he dutifully reported throughout the game that a no-hitter was in progress.

And as sure as the sun rises, Dave has taken a lot of flack for it.

People, let's get REAL.  

Announcers can’t “jinx” the outcome of a baseball game. That responsibility is YOURS. If you’re watching a no-hitter and get up from the couch to get a beer you alone will cost the pitcher his one chance at immortality. If you scratch your nose during warm-up tosses or answer an odd number of emails during an even numbered inning the entire game will change.

So don’t blame us announcers. It's not our fault.  Nor is it the players who play the game. Or the umpires whose decisions control the game. Nor is it the official scorer who must rule on judgment calls. It’s YOU. All YOU. Especially you who ate mixed nuts during the game and didn’t eat all the cashews last. How could you do that to your team? 

Dave Sims did a great job last night. If I were in his place I would have handled it the exact same way.

So far I’ve called two no-hitters. Amazingly, no one ever congratulated me for being responsible for these two historic accomplishments.

Congratulations to Kevin Milwood, Charlie Furbush, Stephen Pryor, Lucas Luetge, Brandon League, Tom Wilhelmsen, and YOU for combining on a seven-man no-hitter.  

Speaking farce-y

One writing question I'm often asked is how are farces constructed? I’m sure fifty different comedy writers would give you fifty different approaches but this is mine.

First off there must be jeopardy. Something the characters need very badly and are willing to go to the greatest lengths to achieve. The situation can be totally absurd to us but to the characters themselves they’re very real. In fact, the greater the jeopardy the crazier they can act.

Secondly, a farce is built on a lie. A character lies and then to keep from getting caught must lie again. The lies multiply, the character digs himself into a deeper hole. And generally, there are several characters forced to lie. Often the lies contradict each other.

Needless to say, this takes careful planning. The structure of a farce is critical. Things have to happen with exact precision. The pressure must never let up. Constant roadblocks must be introduced. Complications on top of more complications. The vice tightens…and tightens…and tightens.

Generally, farces take place in real time. There are no fade outs, no dissolves, no relief. And as the piece builds the pace quickens. If done right, a farce should be a snowball rolling down a hill, gaining momentum and size.

Neil Simon, who wrote the wonderful farce RUMORS, is quoted as saying “At the final curtain, the audience must be as spent as the actors, who by now are on oxygen support. If the audience is only wheezing with laughter, you need rewrites or actors with stronger lungs.”

They’re incredibly tough to pull off but unbelievably satisfying when you do. And for my money, no show ever did them better than FRASIER.

Who doesn't love a pie in the face?

Here are some more of your Friday Questions... brought to you by -- my new book. Click here or on the cover and relive the '60s whether you were alive during them or not.

Jennifer starts us off:

As someone who staged a massive pie fight for one of your shows, (you can watch it here) I was wondering if you had any thoughts on visual comedy. The reason I ask is that I've noticed among many aspiring writers a tendency to look down their noses at visual comedy. As if any script that isn't dialogue-dialogue-dialogue is automatically lowbrow.

I’m a HUGE fan of physical comedy. Even sophisticated comedies benefit from physical humor. We use it on every show we’re on. MODERN FAMILY currently does a great job working it in.  So does PARKS & REC. And as a director I’m always looking for physical business to supplement the dialogue.

The truth is physical comedy is the most enduring. I LOVE LUCY will be funny 100 years from now.  Last night's hilarious DAILY SHOW will not. 

The trick is finding the Lucys who can pull it off.

I always invite my younger readers to seek out some of the great physical comedians of the past. Buster Keaton, Laurel & Hardy, W.C. Fields, Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, Charlie Chaplin – any serious student of comedy needs to be exposed to their work.  Plus, you will be richly rewarded. 

And younger readers need to consider this: when you see pie fights and other scenes you’ve seen countless times by countless performers – THESE early comedians INVENTED those routines. They’re not homages, they’re not parodies, they're not Adam Sandler trailer pratfalls – they’re ORIGINAL.

I hold great physical comedians in the absolute highest regard.

Natalie asks:

Say the writing staff is going over a script and somebody finds a plot hole, major continuity error, inconsistency, glaring factual mistake...is there any discussion about fixing it or is the attitude just "eh, it's TV, the audience doesn't care."

Well, it depends on the show of course, but on shows I’ve been on the answer is: we have those discussions ALL THE TIME. I like to think that we’re much harder on the material than the network and the viewer. Questions like, “Would she really do that?” and “isn’t this weird?” are asked constantly.

From watching a number of current sitcoms I’m guessing it’s less important now – but I was always a stickler that the story work first. Making the show funnier is the easy part. Finding a story that tracks, is cleverly told, is grounded in reality, and draws the audience in emotionally is the hard part (which is probably why some shows don’t bother). 

That said, there is a thing called “icebox logic.” Supposedly this is derived from Alfred Hitchcock. You watch a movie, it all makes sense, you go home, raid the fridge for a snack at midnight and suddenly you go, “Hey, wait a minute. Fred couldn’t know about the heist. He was in the submarine all that summer.” In other words, it’s a logic problem but one most people won’t notice. And there are times in the writers room when we’ll hit a snag that we'll try to determine whether it really needs to be addressed or is just icebox logic.

Sometimes continuity discrepancies are inadvertent. We’ll establish something not remembering that something else was established four seasons ago. But if there’s some question, or it’s pointed out, or easily referenced we’ll always adhere to continuity.  On CHEERS, Frasier established that his father was dead.  Who knew he'd get his own spin-off years later?  In that case, we did explain it away with an explanation. 


From Mahesh:

Why do so many sitcom sets have doors that swing in and out? Is it for cost, and time purposes, so the actors don't have to take a while to open and shut the doors if they're simply leaving a scene?

First off, if you're noticing this, the writers are not doing a good enough job of sucking you into the story.  That's what I mean above.

Those are usually doors to the kitchen and they allows actors to go in and out carrying things like platters without having to juggle handles.


And finally, from ScottUSF :

Once again, I've become a big fan of 2 new shows this year that have now been cancelled - "Alcatraz" and "Awake" - both 1 hour shows that try to tell a long story over a season/series. I was a HUGE fan of "Lost" and lukewarm on "Flashback" but I still enjoyed it.

Neither Alcatraz, Awake, nor Flashback got a chance to wrap up their storylines. How can a viewer find out what the plans were to wrap up the story?

Well, you can't.  Unless there's a final episode that just isn't aired, there generally is no wrap up.  

When a viewer follows a serialized series he assumes a risk. There is always the possibility the show will be cancelled and the story will abruptly end without resolution.

When shows of this genre work they hook the audience in (as with LOST or ONCE UPON A TIME), but when they don’t the networks can’t get rid of them fast enough. The other big problem with serialized shows is that it’s hard for audiences to join in the middle. So it’s hard to pick up new viewers.

How I generally approach serialized series is this: I’ll wait, hear what’s catching on, see what folks are talking about and then go to Hulu or On Demand, catch up, and then jump on the train. That’s the way I pick my hockey teams too.

What’s your question?  And thanks for buying my book if you do. 

Another one of my rants

Interesting article in USA TODAY this week (they’re more than just pie charts y’know) about all the hidden travel expenses that hotels, airlines, and rental car firms slip in. They think they’re being clever. What the article doesn’t say is this: How much are they all losing on good will and repeat customers?

Let’s look at hotels. Ever check the prices in honor bars? Four mini-Oreos: $19. A little tin of cashews: Your monthly car payment. Should you be desperate enough to buy anything you’ll notice it’s stale because that same package of Oreos has probably been there for six months. I’m reminded of NBA goofball, Benoit Benjamin. It’s his rookie season. He goes on the team’s first road trip. He stays at a nice hotel. He sees the honor bar – all the food and little liquor bottles, and thinks “Wow, what great free stuff!” So he empties it all into his suitcase and off he merrily goes. The team gets a bill for $3000.

The point is: people who aren’t as clueless as Benoit Benjamin recognize that the hotels are taking advantage of them. And they resent it. So when hotels (and airlines and car rental companies) cry that they’re not making enough profit, the public says “We’ll sell you a Kleenex for $30.”

Room service. In addition to inflated prices for the always mediocre/always cold/always soggy food, some hotels also slip in a service charge and gratuity. What’s the difference between the two? And most hotels don’t tell you gratuity is included so many customers add on yet another tip. When they realize this, no amount of free little bottles of conditioner will appease them. 

Happy to say though that hotels are now getting hoisted on their own petards. Dollar charges to use the phone? Gonesky. We all have our own phones. Some hotels charge $12-$20 a day for internet service. Screw that. Many people have their own 3G plans. If the hotels charged $2 a day we might say, sure, for the high speed and convenience. But $12 when you can get the same plan for a month? Even the Kardashians know better (well, Khloe maybe). So instead of maybe 50 guests paying $2 a night, they get two paying $12. I’d do the math for them not without a service charge. And maybe an activity fee. 


The Golden Globes are held in the Beverly Hilton. Hundreds of media types cover it. So for that one night the hotel used to charge literally hundreds of dollars for one-day internet access, knowing the journalists needed to be on-line. Think of it. HUNDREDS of dollars. For Wifi.   Radio waves.  Today they’d be lucky to get ten bucks from the entire press corps. And I say to the Beverly Hilton “Join my network – KISSMYASS.”

In-room movies used to be a huge cash cow for hotels. But they charge as much for one semi-recent Adam Sandler leadburger as Netflix charges a month for everything. So now we watch movies we’ve downloaded or get streaming while in the room. And the porn we can access is hard-core. No more paying good money and not getting the money shots.

Ironically, it’s the high-end hotels that do most of the gouging. Go to a Comfort Inn and the internet is free along with a continental breakfast.  There's someone skinning a raccoon in the next room but still.  The USA TODAY article said a guest at a W. wanted six drinking glasses brought up to the room and the hotel wanted to charge $1.50 a glass.

The high-end hotels feel they can get away with this nonsense because of business expense accounts. And in that regard I have mixed feelings. When someone from Time-Warner gets outrageously overcharged by the Beverly Hilton, whose side are you on?

Airlines charge ridiculous prices for food. All that has accomplished is pissing off travelers and boosting the business of every airport Burger King. Yes, that Double-Whopper is going to close up an artery but it still costs less than an American Airlines snack pack which contains three Wheat Thins and a morsel of cheese.

Airlines will quote you one price for economy class but then when you book (on line because they charge you to speak to an actual person sitting in Tulie, Greenland) you find all the decent seats cost extra. An aisle is an upgrade these days. How many times over the last few years have you thought about going somewhere but decided the air travel was just too expensive and the hassle too great so you bagged it?

Advertisers now only go after younger demographics. Why? Because their contention is younger people are just starting to establish brand preferences. Us old crones (35 up) are set in our ways. We’ll never change toothpaste brands again, even if a new one comes along that actually cleans teeth. Obviously, Corporate America places a very high value on brand identification.

So why screw it up by being so blatantly greedy that you chase customers away? You spend billions to advertise and lose a potential life-long customer because you charge for drinking glasses? Is this good business sense?

Adding hidden expenses and inflating prices are practices that is backfiring.  Yes, I know profit margins are less and these mega-conglomerates have to be creative in finding new streams of revenue. But give us something for what you’re charging.

This is my concluding message to hotels, airlines, and any big business looking to slip things by us: Beware! There is a Napster out there with your name on it.

For your Emmy consideration: Not the usual suspects

Got my Emmy ballot. Can’t say that I’ve watched all the shows or seen all the Emmy screeners. ( In some cases, are you kidding? "For your consideration:  ARE YOU THERE, CHELSEA?") But of the true contenders, I have tried to sample a few.

What usually occurs is that Academy members ultimately write down the same names. So with apologies to Jon Hamm and Tony Shaloub (who will probably get nominated for MONK again even though it’s no longer even on the air) I would like to suggest a few worthy names you might not be considering.

Timothy Olyphant for JUSTIFIED. It’s amazing that someone can play a character who is so fucked up and yet so ultra cool. He does it with subtlety, charm, inner strength, and most impressive – a hat.

While we’re on JUSTIFIED, Walton Goggins deserves a nod as Boyd Crowder (red neck poet) as does Neal McDonough as a villain so mesmerizing and weird that they should have changed the title of this show set in Kentucky to BLUE GRASS VELVET.

Kelsey Grammer in BOSS leaves no piece of scenery unchewed, but he’s so commanding and displays so many sides of this complex evil-tragic-dynamic character that he is worth considering.  It's like FRASIER meets THE SHINING.


Damian Lewis and Clair Danes of HOMELAND not only deserve to be nominated but also to win. Danes is the Meryl Streep of TV and Lewis can sure play a character who keeps secrets. Did you know he’s British?

It’s time for Christina Hendricks to finally get some Emmy love. She combines the best qualities of a fine actress and Jessica Rabbit.

Martha Plimpton raises RAISING HOPE.  Oh, and give her one for Best Guest Star in THE GOOD WIFE. 


Zoey Deschanel will get a nomination for THE NEW GIRL (deserved) but I’d like to see Krysten Ritter of DON’T TRUST THE B—IN APARTMENT 23 get a nod. Adorkable is fine but funny is better.

REVENGE is best served gold – Emily VanCamp wreaks delicious havoc.

For Best Supporting Actor & Actress in a Comedy: Just list the entire cast of PARKS & RECREATION.

And finally, dark horse of dark horses – Mary McCormick of IN PLAIN SIGHT. She tosses off one-liners with more ease and skill than most sitcom stars. And she too sometimes does it while wearing a hat.

Okay, those are some of mine. Who are some of yours?

How accurate are Nielsen ratings?

No one really knows.

There are statistical models to support their validity. They’ve been doing it a long time and have revised and improved methods over the last fifty years. But still – one schlep in Clovis, New Mexico who hates Amy Poehler because she reminds him of a girl who once dumped him could represent 2,000,000 viewers.

With more and more people getting cable boxes or satellite boxes it’s easier to track just what is being watched. But those still don’t tell you WHO is watching. How many are in the room? What are their ages? How many left the room after the 15th vagina joke on 2 BROKE GIRLS (so five minutes in)?

And then there is the issue with shows on the DVR. How long do you give someone to watch a program before it no longer counts? Nielsen has a formula but is it valid or just arbitrary?   Last week I watched a sitcom episode that I had DVR’d and noticed there were Christmas commercials in it. I’m sure the sponsors could care less that I finally got around to it. And just because someone records a show doesn’t mean he’ll ever watch it.

And if you record a show and don’t watch it for weeks, is that your pattern or you were just on vacation?

How many viewers like a show but won’t watch it on the air, preferring to wait for the DVD to come out so they can watch the whole season at once? So you’re big fans of the show but Nielsen doesn’t know that.

But wait! There’s more!

Watching content on-line. That’s become even more popular because there’s that much more television being streamed and with inexpensive devices like AppleTV you can watch these shows on your big screen TV.  And don't forget about people now watching shows on their iAnythings.  The A.C. of A.C. Nielsen stands for “Aw crap!”

And yet, all programming and advertising decisions are based on the Nielsen numbers.  Yes, it's a crooked card game but it's the only game in town. 

Radio had a similar problem. Ratings were taken via diaries issued to listeners. On good faith, you were expected to keep a detailed log of what station you listened to, when you turned it on and when you turned it off. So essentially it charted the listening habits of diligent people.

And then a few years ago the People Meter was introduced. This is a little device that looks like a beeper. You just take it with you. It picks up and documents any radio signal you hear. How accurate is this an indicator? You could be in your car, stopped at a light for two minutes and the clown next to you has Eminem blasting. The People Meter hears it and registers that you -- a 78 year-old white lady from Beverly Hills --  listens to a hip hop station.

Still, it’s a far more accurate system than the diaries. And interestingly, the results when they started using People Meters were very different from the diary input. Big case in point: the oldies format.

Before People Meters, the oldies format was out of favor. Lots of station that had been playing oldies for decades saw their numbers dwindle and bailed on the format. Even WCBS-FM in New York, maybe the country’s number one oldies station, abandoned the format for the ill-advised “Jack” format.

Then People Meters came along and what do you know? Not only did listeners still listen to oldies stations, there were way more of them and listened way longer than anyone had ever thought. WCBS-FM is back to playing the Beatles. In some markets, the oldies station -- once thought passe -- is the number one station in town.  That's a big discrepancy between diaries and People Meters. 


Might the same be true of television? If an accurate measurement could be made, might we find that shows we thought no one was watching actually had decent numbers? How many series got cancelled that should have been given another chance? Is it possible that even fewer viewers watch WHITNEY than NBC thinks and they renewed a certified bomb?

This always reminds me of the chain gang in football. These are the guys who stand off on the sidelines with the yardage markers. When a ball is close to a first down the chain gang is summoned out to the field. Two guys run out, they place the markers down and rule. Is the nose of the ball over the line? We’re talking inches here. Entire games sometimes depend upon these calls. And two nudniks run out to the field, not even in a straight line, and their word is final. Huh? In this day and age of high technology they can’t install lasers that accurately tell you whether the football has crossed the first down plane?

And the NFL could install this hardware. At least TV has an excuse – they don’t have such sophisticated methods of calibration. Damn Steve Jobs for dying before he could solve this problem too!

In the meantime, the livelihood of thousands of people in the television and advertising industry still depend on the two nudniks zig-zagging their way to mid-field.