How many of you contestants are from out of town?

The life of an aspiring stand up comedian is a grueling one. Years of knocking around, working crappy comedy clubs, first on open mic nights before eight drunks, then being banished to “the road”. Playing towns where you’re the first Jew they’ve ever seen, waiters talking and serving during your set, hecklers, hecklers who are funnier than you, “half price beer and weapons welcome” night, retirement homes where it’s hard to hear over the oxygen tanks, endless meals at Shoneys, all for little or no pay. It’s a tremendous sacrifice with absolutely no guarantees. But if you’re good, REALLY good, and you pay your dues, catch a few breaks then maybe – just MAYBE you could grab the brass ring –

…and become the next Wink Martindale.

It seems that the new pot of gold at the end of stand-up rainbows is hosting game shows. Howie Mandel, Bob Saget, Louie Anderson, Jeff Foxworthy, and now Drew Carey are leading contestants through bonus rounds. This is bad news for TV weathermen, disc jockeys, and Regis Philbin.  Let's revive THE WEAKEST LINK with Roseanne (it would be worth it just to hear her try to pronounce the questions).

I’m only sorry Sam Kinison isn’t still alive to host THE PRICE IS RIGHT. Couldn’t you just see it?

“No, you stupid bitch! $135.95 for a Hamilton Beach 4-slice toaster? Do you live in a FUCKING CAVE?! It’s $42.99. It’s a fucking toaster! It cooks up bread. How much do you pay for things? That shitty T-Shirt you’re wearing on NATIONAL TELEVISION, how much did you pay for that? $4000?! Jesus, even the dumb motherfucker next to you was only off by ten bucks and he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel!”

Wait a minute. Does anybody have Lewis Black’s number?

The bottom line: if you’re a young comic coming up, don’t worry about your material, just memorize the rules for the wet T-shirt contest and never miss a chance to emcee karaoke night.

Coroner changes the cause of Natalie Wood's death

As many of my longtime blog readers know, I am obsessed with the Natalie Wood drowning case.   I don't believe her death was "accidental."  And now, apparently, neither does the LA County Coroner.  The cause of her death has been changed from "accidental" to "undetermined."   Okay, not yet a "homicide"  but we're getting there.  Still, Robert Wagner's got to be calling his lawyer asking, "Does mean Columbo is going to be coming around a lot?" 

Yes it does.  It means this now becomes an ongoing investigation.  And hopefully a real one.   Natalie's sister, Lana is happy.   She told KCAL9 last year, “I don’t think ‘I’m sorry for your loss Mr. Wagner’ is an investigation.”

The change was made, according to detectives, “because some of the bruises on her body were inconsistent with death by accident.”   My question of course is, you didn't notice that until just now?
Recently, the captain of the yacht Natalie, Wood, R.J., and guest Christopher Walken were on came out with a book claiming Wagner made no effort to search for her despite being aware of her disappearance.   This has raised some eyebrows and probably would have made even more noise if the captain wasn't on a promotional tour at the time of his big announcement. 

Hey, a thought just occurred: if I say I have new information on the death of Natalie Wood in my book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME do you think I could get on THE TODAY SHOW too?  I can just see it.

SAVANNAH GUTHRIE:  Ken, your book is about the '60s.  How does Natalie Wood's death in 1981 figure?

KEN: Before we get into that, let me tell you a great story of how I threw Neil Young out of the listening booth at Wallich's Music City.

SAVANNAH:  You don't have any new information, do you?

KEN: Moe Howard of the Three Stooges was once in my car...

SAVANNAH:  And didn't you write a blog piece on Ann Curry?

KEN:  The thing that's so interesting about the '60s is that...

SAVANNAH:  This is Today on NBC. 

I hope the investigation goes well and we finally know the real story.

The history of Rock & Roll... in twelve minutes

This is totally great.  Chicago guitar salesman Alex Chadwick strums out 100 R&R riffs in twelve minutes.  The man can pick it!   Hot licks!  Yeow!

Check out this very weird photo.

It looks like the girl is sitting and the guy is hugging her neck, right?   Look again.  It's the other way around.  He's sitting, she's hugging.   Oh, our crazy brains!

Did Robin William really ad lib all those great Mork lines?

Thank God it’s Friday (Question Day). What’s yours?

Nick gets us started:

Is there much room for ad libbing on the set of sitcoms? I know in films it can work because you shoot multiple takes - but in a sitcom format (i'm thinking of Robin Williams in Mork and Mindy) do writers appreciate when actors ad lib or is it generally frowned upon?

Some shows like CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM are built around the actors improvising after being given a detailed outline. Most scripted sitcoms don’t allow for ad libbing except maybe early in the rehearsal process.

On multi-camera shows, cameras change shots based on line cues so it’s imperative the actors speak the lines as written or else you're going to have three cameras crashing into each other.  That's generally not good. 

Robin Williams didn’t “exactly” ad lib on MORK AND MINDY. I know this first-hand. He’d deliver a line on the first take. Then deliver another on the second. And still a different one on the third. The studio audience would be in awe of how quick and inventive he was. But here’s the thing. The “ad libs” were just the jokes that had been in the script and were replaced. Writers wrote them, not Robin.

Not to take anything away from Robin and his enormous talent, but he is notorious for stealing other people’s material.

From Ane:

I'm lucky enough to work as an assistant to the dramaturge in a theater and sometimes I get to watch rehearsals. I've noticed that the directors can get extremely specific about what they want from an actor. And the actors do their best to please. What's it like when working with "big stars"? Do they get lots of directions on what kind of emotions they should display and so on, or is it more like "Do whatever you want, we trust you"?

That depends on the director’s style. Some, like James L. Brooks (pictured: right) are incredibly precise. “On this line lift the cup up to here, cock your head just a bit to the left, and give him a look like ‘you know what he’s after but our history together should tell you that I’m wary but not to where I can’t be convinced.” It’s actually quite impressive to watch him do it.

Some actors love that. And several have won Oscars for their performances in Jim Brooks movies so you can’t knock it.

But other actors hate it. They like to find the moments themselves so they find this technique very stifling. I remember once watching Jim direct a scene with two actresses. One just relished the input while steam was coming out of the other’s ears.

Then there’s Woody Allen. He very rarely “directs” an actor’s performance.  He lets them just do their thing. And many actors have won Oscars performing in Woody Allen movies. So there’s a lot to be said for that method as well.

But here’s the thing with Woody Allen – he has the luxury of being able to get the very best actors in the world. Does Meryl Streep really need to be told how high to lift the cup?

And if an actor can’t give Woody the performance he really wants he merely replaces him.

For me as a director, I’m like the dad teaching his kids how to ride a bike. I let them ride on their own but I’m running alongside steadying the bicycle whenever needed, telling them to slow down occasionally and warning them that they’re headed straight for a fence. So far no one's ever won an Oscar on any of my movies.  But in fairness, I've never directed a movie. 


GMJ has a question about Nicholas Colasanto:

I noticed he directed over 29 different television series between the mid-1960s through the early 1980s. Have you ever had a chance to see any of his projects? I suspect his professional way expressing his concerns to writers extended to his work as a director before "Cheers".

I’ve seen a lot of his HAWAII FIVE-O’s (the original “good” version). Directing one-hour TV is quite a feat. Unlike features, you have to be fast. It has to be hard enough banging out an hour show in the crunch time allotted without having to stage elaborate action sequences. But Nick apparently had the knack.

He was also a highly respected acting teacher.

ScottyB has a question about one of the Bar Wars episodes that David and I wrote for CHEERS. It’s the one where the Cheers stunt apparently kills Gary.

At what point of a show's run do y'all sit there hashing out a script for the week, have someone go, "You know what would be really cool? Let's have Carla's disembodied head float around Gary's bar and pretend it gives him a heart attack!" and know whether it's even possible (in '80s technology, that is) for someone to be able to make Carla’s big head float around in an endless video loop?

This is why it’s great to have a partner. I didn’t remember how we arrived at that stunt, but my partner David Issacs did. Here’s his answer:

Can't remember all the details, but as we did in all the Bar Wars escalations we were looking for something that topped the last one. It really came out of the idea that because of Nick Tortelli, Carla would have TV repair and tech skills, so she could hook it up. We checked to see if it was possible that it could work in theory and it was something she could set up and run.


D.I.

Thanks, David. And thank you guys for all your questions.

Before I blogged I drew

In my book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s), which you should buy already, I talk a lot of cartooning and doing caricatures during my teen years.  I went through a real Al Hirschfeld period.  He was the caricaturist of the NEW YORK TIMES for sixty years.

Once I got to the UCLA campus radio station KLA (all of this great stuff is in the book) I did the posters for them.  I was so terrible on the air I probably would have been fired had I not been able to draw.

Anyway, one of my KLA colleagues, Sharon, recently unearthed a couple of the posters.  So I thought I'd share them today.

This was for a concert we presented.  Since everyone knows exactly what each member of the Grassroots looks like, you can see how expertly I captured them all.

Likewise, you know all of these people of course.  By the way, Bill Pearl became Billy Pearl (a very successful disc jockey in the '70s who wound up on KHJ), Steve St. John became Steve Weed (a long time successful program director and jock with stints that included WXLO New York and KIIS Los Angeles), Don Enright became a well-known TV and movie producer, and Vincent G. Thomas is Tom Greenleigh who went on to own radio stations. 

I haven't drawn in a few years.  Maybe I'll pick it up again.  Let me know if you have a concert you want promoted. 

What to do in Hawaii

If you’re in Hawaii on July 29th here’s something really cool to do!

Ron Jacobs, local personality known as Whodaguy and the architect of the KHJ Boss Radio format along with co-creating AMERICAN TOP 40 and hatching the San Diego Chicken – is staging a one-man show one-day only. He’ll be reflecting on his life growing up in Hawaii and God-knows-what. Ron is the one of the most colorful interesting people I’ve ever met. Trust me, you’ll get more fascinating stories, laughs, insight, and culture out of this concert than from four museums, three books, six luaus, four pineapple factory tours, and five Elvis movies.

Speaking of the King, he and Jacobs became friends. Ron emceed his first Hawaiian concert. And this was after Jacobs pulled a stunt on the radio parading around a fake Elvis that caused a statewide frenzy. Or, in the case of Ron Jacobs -- just par for the course.

It’ll all the be there – from the war to the surf craze, from the hula to Ho, natives and haoles, statehood, tourism, mysticism, Judaism, the dawn of rock n’ roll, the birth of Obama, radio, cool cars, and lots of words with k,a,e,u,h,o,n,and i's in them. Plus, a never-before attempted feature -- a talk radio segment, where you can call him on your cellphone and ask questions.  Talk radio live.  I'm curious to see if he hangs up on someone. 

Imagine Garrison Keillor on Maui Wowie with a little Hunter S. Thompson, Mark Twain, and Dr. Emmet Brown thrown in. 

Here are the details. Wish I could be there.

This is a once in a larger-than-lifetime opportunity. And all you need to know to summarize just who this gentleman is and what he does:

"It is fitting that Jacobs is performing at the site of the former Insane Asylum in Kaneohe."

Andy Griffith 1926-2012

So sorry to hear of the passing of Andy Griffith. I never worked with him, only met him once. It was at a memorial service for one of his writers.  Just the fact that would attend says a lot.

Andy was an amazing performer. He could be scary evil as in FACE IN THE CROWD, or your cuddly uncle. His likability quotient was off the charts. And as Sheriff Andy Taylor he represented the best of what America once was -- trustworthy, kind, homespun, humble, and (here's a blast from the past) used common sense.

Oh, and his show was funny.

I find it interesting that in this day and age of edgy comedy, THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW still airs like 18 times a day and gets good ratings. There still is a place for warm gentle humor set in small town America with characters who had a genuine affection for each other -- a place free of cynicism and vagina jokes.

Ironic that this comes a day after my Cosby post.  Like Bill Cosby, Andy Griffith involved himself in all the show's scripts.  But unlike Cosby, he treated his writers with great respect and they stayed with him for years.

Younger readers might just know Andy as the old country lawyer, MATLOCK. The hair was white but the humanity, and savvy was still there. I hear all those über smart Aaron Sorkin characters talk and think, I bet Matlock could outsmart 'em.

Much older readers remember Andy from his bumpkin Air Force private in NO TIME FOR SERGEANTS. If you haven't seen it, rent it. Imagine Woody Boyd from CHEERS only ten times funnier.  (And the film features a cameo by a young struggling actor named Don Knotts.)

I wonder if anyone remembers his stand-up act. That's right, Andy Griffith was originally a comedian (and also a musician). His routine of describing a football game although he had no idea what was going on remains as hilarious today as it did fifty years ago. I was a weird kid and wanted to see top flight comedians. Andy was one I made a point of seeing. And it wasn't because I was just a sucker for North Carolina humor.  I just marveled at his timing.

And if none of this sounds familiar, they mimicked his voice for Huckleberry Hound. 

For years Andy lived in Toluca Lake in the San Fernando Valley in a nondescript house on a corner. Just one of the neighbors. A friend who lives in Toluca Lake said one Christmas Eve he heard carolers and wandered outside to see. There they were on a flatbed truck going through the neighborhood.. Led by Andy Griffith. Would you expect any less?

If there was a Mayberry they would surely have a 4th of July parade today. Even as everyone fought back tears. Because a celebration of America is a celebration of Andy, and that's worth a parade, a picnic, and fireworks... as long as Barney isn't lighting them.

Bill Cosby: mentor?

This post is along the lines of Sunday's.

I’ve always been a big fan of Bill Cosby. Loved his comedy albums as a kid, took my wife to Las Vegas to see his stand-up act (more like a sit-down act. He just sat in a chair, smoked a cigar, and held a giant audience in the palm of his hand), and admired THE COSBY SHOW (at least when it started). He was a true original and his comedy came out of reality. You laughed because you related.  He was also a damn good spokesman for Jello. So I respect his work. We’re clear on that, right?

Recently, WRITTEN BY, the WGA’s monthly magazine did an article where they referred to Bill Cosby as a writer’s mentor. I think they were being a little overly generous. I wouldn’t call him a mentor.

I’d call him an egotist who worked his writers as if they were pack mules.

I know. You say potato and I say potato.

There’s no question that there was much to be learned from Bill Cosby, and those writers who survived did take lessons that helped them in their future work. But what a cost.

The article explains how the process worked on THE COSBY SHOW. The staff worked out a very rough story area on Wednesday, then wrote an entire script over the weekend. Cosby would shit on it at the table reading on Monday. If there were lines he didn’t like he would read them in funny voices. Rather rude to the writers who killed themselves all weekend to service you. Then would come the hours of notes, Cosby would tear the whole script apart.  Often, with his big cigar, he would literally blow smoke into the writers' faces.  And then the staff went back to now write a completely new script and cough. Those rewrites, even in the article, were termed grueling.

And this went on week after week. Hundred hour weeks were common. Month after month. At least he didn't smoke $2 Tiparillos.

Oh, and did I mention, at the end, Cosby ad libbed stuff?  I’m sure it was funny but why put everybody through that just to ultimately do it yourself?

Talented showrunners would understandably bolt after a season or even a few weeks of this. One writer was so fried after she quit that she spent six months working at the Coney Island Aquarium.

Are there shows with long hours? Absolutely. Is it difficult to write for a comedian who has a very strong voice? You betcha. But you know that going in.

However, to have a star just arbitrarily toss out draft after draft and force his staff to write around the clock for seven months is unfair and highly disrespectful.

I don’t know why the staff bothered to do anything for the table draft. Why work hard crafting jokes and scenes and moments when everything's just going to be dismissed? Just write down the first thing that comes to your mind and head for the train. The fact that the staff didn’t do that (and never did that) says something about how admirable and professional they were.

Fact: Writers burn out. Fact: Writers do not do their best work at 4:00 AM after being in the room for fifteen hours. How would an actor like it if he were asked to strenuously rehearse every day from 7:00 AM until 11:00 PM and then an audience would be brought in and he'd be asked to perform NOISES OFF for two hours?

The fact that Cosby established this grueling schedule and maintained it shows, to me, a lack of consideration and compassion. Yes, the show was a smash hit, and he was the 800 pound gorilla, but I will never be convinced it would have been any worse had the writers not spent 70% of their time writing material that everyone knew was gong to get thrown out. I could however, make an argument that the shows would have been even better had the staff not been walking zombies.  And if some of the better writers had not quit.

But that’s the way they did it. A number of people made fortunes of money (including sweater manufacturers). And the show is a classic.

Call Cosby brilliant, call him the man who saved sitcoms, call him a game-changer, a visionary, a titan in the world of comedy. But mentor? I was fortunate that I had mentors who didn’t send me screaming to an aquarium.

Ann Curry was weak on cooking segments. KILL HER!

Ann Curry was weak on cooking segments!

That’s the horsehit explanation Steve Capus, the idiot president of NBC News gave for why they had to unceremoniously dump Ann Curry as co-host of THE TODAY SHOW.

Yeah. That was the problem. America tuned out in droves because Ann wasn't enthusiastic enough about whipped potatoes.  It wasn't the guests.  It wasn't that NBC's primetime lineup had become a national afterthought?  No, sir.  It was those damn potatoes!  Turn in your apron, Ann.   We can't allow you to bring down the National Broadcasting Company any longer.

Attention journalism schools: Forget international relations. Ditch Political Science. Teach cooking!

You tell me what’s worse -- A top executive of a major television network publicly humiliating a lifelong loyal employee by saying something hurtful and unconscionable or not being excited enough when corn muffins come out of the oven?

Ann Curry didn’t deserve that.  Jeff Zucker didn’t deserve that. Well… maybe Jeff Zucker. But not Ann Curry.

So why was she fired… excuse me – “re-assigned to exciting new challenges?”

THE TODAY SHOW ratings have declined. GOOD MORNING AMERICA is nipping at their heels. Robin Roberts apparently can baste.

Ann Curry is 55. Savannah Guthrie (her replacement) is 40.

This was NBC’s plan all along. Ann was just a placeholder while Savannah got more seasoning. Her goose was already cooked, to use metaphors that obviously have great priority at NBC News.

Everything NBC does this year revolves around its Olympic coverage. The Olympics will bring back millions of viewers who fled because of WHITNEY, THE PLAYBOY CLUB, etc. NBC is trying to maximize that coverage to promote its shows. So they want the new TODAY SHOW line-up already in place.  Pity because Ann is really a whiz on the mesquite grill and would absolute kill it on the 4th of July party segment, but alas, she’ll never get the chance.

Look, if they wanted to replace her it's their prerogative.  But they could have handled this matter sooo much better. And there’s a good chance it will backfire on them. Remember Deborah Norville, Mr. Capus? For years, the co-host of THE TODAY SHOW was Jane Pauley (pictured: right). The audience took to her. She asked knothead questions at times but made a mean strudel. After 13 years it was announced that she was being “re-assigned to exciting new challenges” and replaced by Deborah Norville, who was a rising star at NBC (and younger than Pauley). The audience perceived Norville to be a backstabber who squeezed Pauley out and they just hated her. Ratings plummeted and Norville was gone in five months.  Savannah beware! 

Ann Curry may not be flashy, may no longer be 40, and might not give a fuck how you make blintzes, but she’s the consummate professional, intelligent, sincere to a fault, and even in what has been described a “public execution” she has handled herself with dignity and grace.

Just compare these statements:

Ann Curry to the viewers of TODAY: “I have loved you and I have wanted to give you the world. And I still do.”

And:

The President of NBC News: “We gave her a year to prove herself, and ultimately we came to the conclusion that she had played at the highest level she could. When you’re in the major leagues of our profession, you’ve got to continue to be at peak performance in order to stay there.”

Here is Ann's final sign-off from THE TODAY SHOW. I offer her nothing but gratitude and wish her nothing but enormous success and happiness. For Steve Capus, I hope in three years he's covering a neighbor dispute over sprinkler heads for some Public Access channel.

Actors: How to give notes to writers

Actors, here are some tips on how to convey your script concerns to writers in a way that might result in them addressing your problems without hating you, slashing your tires, or making you the butt of room jokes for seven continuous months.

One ground rule though: This is predicated on your note being a legitimate concern with the sole purpose of improving the show. There’s no hidden agenda of “this puts me in a bad light” or “I want to have the last line” or “this guy is not handsome enough to be my boyfriend”. We understand that you will never actually say your problem is “I don’t want the audience thinking I’m not attractive enough to snare a better looking boyfriend” so you will couch your objections in actor-double-speak. “It’s counter to my character’s arc” and that sort of shit. Understand this: we see through that crap immediately. And there’s nothing we hate more than arguing over the script under the guise of art and integrity when we all know damn well it’s purely about your vanity.

So, let’s assume you have a legitimate concern. We writers don’t like to admit it in public but we acknowledge that you live with the characters you’re playing, you internalize them, you do give them a lot of thought (sometimes too much thought), and ultimately you’re the one who will be in front of the camera, naked to the world. Begrudgingly, we also admit that a lot of your instincts are correct. Your suggestions many times improve the script.

So it’s just a matter of communicating your concerns in a way that will make us receptive to you and here’s the key – WANT to make those changes.

Quite simply, it’s all about showing us respect.

When we come down to the stage don’t glare at us like we killed your puppy. If the script doesn’t work it, we didn’t do it on purpose. Try to remain positive. Give us the impression that you’re not overly concerned, that you have every faith that we can fix it. Is that hard to do sometime? Yes, of course. But you’re ACTORS. Act!

One trick is to start by praising something. You love “this” but just have some issues with “that”. We know you’re bullshitting We do the same thing when giving notes to other writers. But we appreciate the gesture.

If you want us to shut you off completely just say, “My character would never say that!” Whether it would or not, you say those words and we hate you.

You throw a script on the ground, expect us to walk away.

Please don’t say something we wrote is “stupid”. I can’t tell you how many times an actor claimed a certain story point or character action was “stupid” and “no one would ever do this” when in truth it stemmed from an actual incident that happened to the writer. Don’t trap yourself. Just ask. You can very nicely say, “this bit seems a little out there. Do you know of anyone who really did this?” If the answer is no, our next response will probably be, “You think we went too far?” You smile and say, “Well, kinda, yeah.” Our rewrite will include examining that bit.

I worked on a show once where an actress, a noted British thespian questioned some bit of business by saying, “So my motivation for this is what, darling? I’m an out-patient?” Her way of registering protests was with slightly pointed humor. This can be disarming or really backfire depending on the tone. Be careful. In this case, she was a sweetheart and we knew there was no malicious intent. That line became our way of questioning something for the rest of the year.

If you don’t think your character would say something we’ve written please tell us (nicely!!) why. We’ll never expect you to come up with the alternate line, that’s our job. But guide us a little. We’re not mind readers. And if you can, explain your problems in plain English and not actor-speak. “This line goes counter to my emotional center” does not help us a whit.

Expressing your objection in the form of a question often softens the blow. “Don’t you think I’d be curious when I see him come to bed in clown make-up?” Often times it’s easier for us to just say, “We’ll look at that” rather than try to justify it.

And once we say we’ll address it just thank us and move on. Don’t keep belaboring the point. We got it. We’re on it. You made your sale. Walk away.

Sometimes we’re not sure if it works or not so we want to see it. When you show it don’t purposely sabotage it. Trust me, we can tell in one nanosecond if you are. And if you are, we’re likely to dig in our heels and insist that it stays.

Here is why we need you to give it your best shot in a runthrough. If you commit to the material and it doesn’t work then we know it’s our fault and not yours. By seeing it on its feet we can often see what’s wrong with the scene. An alternative might occur to us. A scene may not work but there are three great jokes in there that do and maybe can be saved.

Don’t try to win every battle. Give us a few. If we really believe in our best professional judgment that something works or will get the laugh, let us have it. We’ll be so much more willing to change something for you that we’re not as cock sure about. Again, it goes back to respect. Trust us a little.

Don’t question EVERY line. After awhile we’ll hide from you, or in the case of a drama, kill you off.

And finally, let me share with you the single best way to give a writer a note and almost be guaranteed that he’ll agree to fix it. This comes from Nick Colasanto (who played Coach on CHEERS). Whenever he had a problem (which wasn’t often) he’d start off by saying, “Look, I’m happy to do it just as written, but…” Then he would lay out his concerns. But the fact that he offered to do it as written, we ALWAYS, every time, went back and adjusted the line to his satisfaction. Try it. It will work!

Thanking us the next day when we have made your changes also goes a long way in the goodwill department.

Bottom line: we all want to make the best show. Unfortunately, we’re also all under tremendous stress, have giant egos, and are a mass of insecurities. These are some tips to help actors deal with writers. I bet you actors have an equal or longer list of things we writers can do better in dealing with you. I may flinch but I’d be happy to hear them.

Vin Scully is a National Treasure

Vin Scully is in his 63rd season of calling Dodger baseball. The probation period is almost up.

But seriously, he is the Mozart of baseball broadcasters and I can’t imagine another announcer ever being as good.

And he’s always been there. Night after night, summer after summer.

Well, Scully is now 84, and Dodger fans are keenly aware that he won’t always be there. It’s hard to even contemplate Dodger baseball without Vin Scully. So we’re all savoring these precious opportunities to still have him in our lives and living rooms.

The Dodgers were in San Francisco earlier this week and one night I decided to “pull up a chair” and watch the entire game. I’m not even sure he could find the words to describe what a pleasure it was.

For the first three innings he does a simulcast on radio and television. Radio is really where Scully is the absolute master. He described the blue sky and the “smudges” of clouds. You can picture them, can’t you? 

Scully works without an analyst. No former ballplayer to jump in and tell us that the pitcher needs to rely more on his four-seamer and not his cutter. Zzzzzzzzzz.  When analysis was called-for Scully was on top of it. A runner was at first base thinking of stealing and Scully talked about how he was trying to read the pitcher. He said the runner was watching the pitcher’s left shoulder and the back of his right knee for tell-tale signs of whether he was going to throw to first base or the plate. Good stuff (I will be stealing).

But best of all was how Scully effortlessly and endlessly found interesting things to talk about.

They showed a shot of the San Francisco Bay and Scully recalled how Roy Campanella used to drive his boat to the ballpark. He had a small boat that he steered up the river and hitched it at the Polo Grounds when the (Brooklyn) Dodgers were playing the (New York) Giants.

A batter hit a screaming line drive just past Dodger pitcher, Clayton Kershaw. Scully remarked that a pitcher didn’t have to actually get hit to be shaken-up. He recalled an incident in the early ‘60s when Dodger slugger, Frank Howard hit a rocket that went right through the legs of Mets’ pitcher Alvin Jackson. Jackson needed a good five minutes of walking around, conferring with teammates, buying time before he was composed enough to pitch again.

In the 7th inning the ballpark was visited by a flock of seagulls. Scully told us that this was a nightly occurrence. When the fans all stood for the 7th inning stretch and sang that alerted the birds that the game was soon over. The crowd would disperse leaving popcorn, peanuts, and basically – dinner.

Obviously, these birds flying around can be a distraction. To get rid of them, once the fans left, the Giants began playing the sound of a hawk over the P.A. They heard the hawk, were freaked, and scattered. But after a few nights Scully said the bird figured it out. They stopped leaving. And the hawk ploy was discontinued.

If there’s anything I’ve taken from Vin Scully when I’m calling games it’s that a broadcaster has to be a storyteller. There is so much down-time in baseball. How can I fill the time in an informative but also entertaining way?

It’s been several days since I watched that game. I couldn’t tell you the score. I forget who did what. But I sure remember those seagulls and Alvin Jackson and Roy Campanella pulling up to the Polo Grounds in his boat.

And that was just one game.

Vin Scully has called over 10,000 of them. I for one, am going to listen to and treasure every remaining one I can.  You should too.  At one time you could only hear him if you were in Southern California.  But now with the MLB Network, Sirius-XM, and MLB.COM there are ways to pull in his broadcasts wherever you are in the world.   So "pull up a chair" in Altoona and Sydney.  You'll be glad you did. 

Oh no! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced

There is no joy today in Hollywood.   The relationship the town thought would last forever..  or at least six years, is apparently ending.  How could this not work?  I mean, the man jumped up and down on Oprah's couch?  What greater show of love has there ever been?

Get ready for an onslaught of TMZ/People/National Enquirer/ET/Gawker coverage of this monumental story.   Let the speculation begin!  Was Tom sleeping around?  Is this because ROCK OF AGES bombed?  Was their separation during his movie shoots too much for the marriage?  Did Kelsey Grammer say something to Tom?  Did Katie secretly influence Chief Justice Roberts' decision?

Now comes the custody battle, the statements from each sides publicists, the details of the pre-nup agreement, and the Barbara Walters specials. 

I feel bad for their daughter, of course.  TMZ's gain is Suri's loss.  But brace yourself.  This is just the beginning.  Get ready for the NON-STORY OF THE YEAR. 

Getting tickets to see TV shows

Wrapping up the week and month with Friday Questions.

Unknown starts us off. At least he’s not Anonymous.

I have a friend who is taking his wife and teenage kids to L.A. in August and wonder if you have any "insider" suggestions for studio tours and the like. Is it too late to try to get tickets to a filming of show? Or are these something they'll have the opportunity to get same day (assuming they pick the right day)?

Call or write the networks ahead of time to get tickets to watch tapings of sitcoms or talk shows. Or at least when you get here. There used to be a booth at Farmers Market on 3rd and Fairfax that would issue tickets to TV shows.  There might also be one in Hollywood. 

First thing you need to know is this: tickets to all television shows are free. That goes for THE BIG BANG THEORY, AMERICAN IDOL, even DR. PHIL. So don’t let any scalper or studio executive try to sell them to you.

Some shows are in great demand and have long waiting lists. Typical capacity for TV studio audience is about 200. Popular shows are a tough ticket as are game shows like THE PRICE IS RIGHT where audience members could become contestants and win crap.

On the other hand, new shows have trouble getting audiences and often have to hire companies to bus groups in. It’s pot luck what you get. It could be the next FRIENDS or the next JOEY.  But it's a show. And it's air conditioned. 

If there’s a specific show you want to see, contact that show directly.  The sooner the better.

Most sitcoms film from August to March.  Game shows are on cycles.  I believe JEOPARDY resumes in July.  Alex should be sufficiently recovered by then.  

Also, note that sometimes game shows tape two or three episodes at one time. They’ll tape one show, change wardrobe, take a break, and a half-hour later tape the next one. So allow yourself some time.

As for tours, they’re all very touristy. Universal is the biggest.  Don't expect to see any real movies being filmed.  You will see authentic gift shops however.  But it's cool to be on the lot.   Paramount used to have a walking guided tour that was an absolute joke.  They'd take tours into the studio barbershop.  Now that there’s even fewer shows on the lot, if the tour still exists it’s really bogus.

I don’t know whether 20th, Sony, Warners, or CBS Radford have tours. Check them out though. Either one of those lots would be worth seeing.


Tom in Vegas has a question I’m often asked.

What exactly does a show runner do? I've never seen this title listed in an credits, and I'm wondering if it's the same as a producer?

It’s fascinating that there are so many titles and yet not one for the person who’s actually in charge.

In short, the show runner is the ultimate boss. He has final say on scripts, casting, post production, hiring staff and directors. He dictates the tone of the show, and has final cut. Along with all that power comes tremendous responsibility and pressure.

The show runner must deal with the actors, network, studio, business affairs, agents, managers, and critics. In addition to whatever creative gifts they have it is most helpful if they have a Masters degree in Economics, Psychology, and child rearing.

And if possible, they should be able to function at peak capacity under severe sleep deprivation… for nine months.

You’d think for all that they’d be entitled to a less generic title. It’s like calling astronauts “space guys” or Supreme Court justices “top deciders.”


From Amy:

When stars get their own sitcoms, why do their characters tend to share their first name, even in cases (unlike Seinfeld, for instance) where they're playing an entirely different person? Do the networks think that we won't recognize them otherwise?

This is one where I’d have to take a guess, and your guess may be as good as mine. In some cases I think it’s a way for the star to subliminally remind you (and everyone else) that it’s THEIR show.

And in other cases, the actor is just so identified with their name that it would seem weird to have them answer to anything else. I mean, Lucille Ball was LUCY. You could call her Madge but who are we kidding? She’s LUCY.

And finally, Scott Miller has a question that relates to my new book, which you should buy already.

How did you find high school/college age radio geeks around the country pre internet? I would have joined you in NYC or Pittsburgh, but I'm a couple of years younger than you.

I used to write radio stations from around the country asking for tapes of their programs and jingles (thus making me the all-time King of Nerds). A few would comply, most would ignore, but some sent me the names of other radio geeks who had also requested tapes. I contacted them. A few already knew others and a network of guys who couldn’t get a date was born.

What's your question?  Leave it in the comments section.  Thanks! 

Best known for something else

Lots of people have heard of the Tommy John Surgery. Done primarily on baseball pitchers, it’s a procedure where they take a tendon from your knee or hip and use it to replace a ligament in your elbow that’s shot.

Today it’s very common, and like I said well known. But how many people know who Tommy John is? My guess is most think he’s the surgeon who invented the procedure. Wrong. He was a major league pitcher who was the very first to undergo this operation. At the time, it was very experimental and risky. It’s not something you can try first with hamsters. And even if you could, how would you even know if the surgery was a success since hamsters can’t grip a baseball? The real inventor of the surgery was Dr. Frank Jobe in 1974.

Still, Tommy John will forever be linked to the surgery, long after his playing career is forgotten (which, to many is already).

But it brings to mind the question (at least to me) of how many other public figures will be remembered for something other than what they did to originally achieve notoriety?

Prime example: Arnold Palmer. Once the Tiger Woods of golf (minus twenty mistresses), his name is now identified, almost exclusively, with that refreshing drink that is half ice tea/half lemonade. I would imagine there is more than one reader who is saying, “Arnold Palmer was a golfer too?”

Quick aside:  When Arnold Palmer orders one of those drinks does he say, "I'll have a me?" 

Shirley Temple was a major Hollywood child star in the ‘30s. She even won a little Oscar. But most folks only the know the name because of the Shirley Temple cocktail – a non-alcoholic drink of ginger ale and a little grenadine.

A variation is a Roy Rogers cocktail. It’s made with cola and grenadine. Roy Rogers was a cowboy movie and TV star.   You didn't mess with Roy.  How scared would horse thieves and bank robbers be if Roy sidled up the bar and ordered cola and grenadine?  "And don't forget that maraschino cherry, podner."   

George Foreman was a heavyweight boxing champ. You might only know him as the grill you bought off the TV.

Mae West was a bawdy movie actress in the ‘20s-‘40s (a Tallulah Morehead wannabe). Now her legacy is a personal flotation device. Sidenote: My favorite Mae West quote -- I'm the lady who works at Paramount all day... and Fox all night.

John Hancock was a great American patriot and statesman.  But to most he owns an insurance company.  And for that matter, Abe Lincoln is remembered as a U.S. President not a vampire killer.

This extends to comic book characters too. Andy Gump was this loveable Sunday funnies schmoe who wound up being the name for portable outdoor toilets. What a tribute!

I’m sure there are others. Can you think of them?

More advice for young writers

There was a great exercise in Andy Goldberg's improv class recently. Yes, I still take an improv class. (You'd think I'd be better after all these years, but I take it anyway.)

This was the exercise: we had to play a character based on someone we knew. Not a celebrity -- no Al Pacino impersonations -- and not a caricature. We had to pick a real person we knew and really try to become him. Voice cadence, body language, attitude, pet phrases, endearing (or annoying) quirks.

The result was a series of wonderful scenes. Everyone in the class rose to the occasion -- even the guy who usually just gets by on glibness. Oh wait. That was me.

Anyway, the thought occurred that this is the perfect exercise for writers. So often writers create characters that are generic, or cliched, or not even that well-drawn. A great idea is to model your characters off of specific people you know. Imagine them playing the parts. Hear their voices in your head. I bet it will be so much easier to write them.

Draw up a list. Who are ten really interesting, maybe bizarre, people you know? At first you'll wonder if you can come up with ten. Then you'll hit fifteen and realize you're still just listing family.

We all know people who are naturally funny. Most don't try to be. But their take on the world, their reaction to frustration, the way they eat their food -- that's all comedy gold when you're developing your script. Especially now since agents and producers all want original material along with spec scripts for existing shows.

So don't just create slacker dude -- model him after Chad who you buy your weed from. Looking for a real asshole? How about that guy, Scott, who dumped you at your aunt's funeral?


A great example of this is GIRLS. I'd be shocked if Lena Dunham didn't model all of those characters after people she knew. And then took actual conversations from them.

Now you might say, yeah but the people I use as models will see themselves and hate me. 90% of the time when I have done this the person in question will come up to me and say, "hey, I know someone just like that!".

Start writing that list.

As for the character I chose? He was a writer friend who always whined. Not that he was always complaining. That's just the way he talked. So I played him at a restaurant on a date, and all he did was deliver good news. He got a promotion, increase in salary, etc. And he whined through the whole speech. Without a single "joke" I got laughs throughout.

And there are countless other people I could have used.  Just in the class alone.

Seriously, start writing that list. 

If Aaron Sorkin wrote THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW

Aaron Sorkin is back!  I loved THE NEWSROOM.  It's the perfect vehicle for his whip-smart dialogue.  (It was also nice to see the wonderful Emily Mortimer finally not in a thankless role.)

But essentially THE NEWSROOM was BROADCAST NEWS as written by Aaron Sorkin.  James L. Brooks wrote that terrific movie along with co-creating THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.  So that got me thinking -- what if Aaron Sorkin wrote THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW?   Here, with great affection for Mr. Sorkin, is how I envision what a scene might look like: 


INT. W.J.M NEWSROOM – DAY


MARY AND MURRAY ARE WORKING AT THEIR DESKS. SUE ANN ENTERS.

SUE ANN: Hello, union mules. I’m in a wonderful mood. Care to guess why?

MURRAY: You just learned you’re not part of the 17.8% of the population that has a venereal disease?

SUE ANN: Oh, Murray. Oh -- bald, condescending, working drone under the delusion that your pension will cover you in retirement despite inflation now at 4.3% while the cost of living rises at a rate of 11.5% -- Murray, you should be more worried than I. Those statistics are even higher for homosexuals.

MURRAY: I’m not gay.



SUE ANN: Oh, Murray. Oh – confused, indignant, cross dressing – Murray. We’re a more tolerant nation now.

MURRAY: Tell that to Harvey Milk, Billie Jean King, Merv Griffin, Cesar Romero, Waylon & Madame...


MARY: Merv Griffin?

MURRY: So I hear.

MARY: Who’s your source?

MURRAY: That’s confidential.

MARY: Is he reliable?

MURRAY: Who said it’s a he?

MARY: It’s a she?


MURRAY: I’m not saying that.

MARY: Then it is s a he.

SUE ANN: Unless it’s both.



LOU ENTERS.

LOU: It was Joan Rivers who Murray bumped into in the owner’s box at Metropolitan Stadium where the Twins were hosting the Tigers and beat them 4-2 on a come-from-behind double by Cesar Tovar. Time of game: 2:55. Paid attendance: 23,710.

MARY: Joan Rivers?  That still doesn’t answer whether the source was a he or she?

SUE ANN: Or whether Cesar Tovar is related to Caesar Romero?

MARY: One’s with an extra ‘a’.

MURRY: How did you know, Lou? It was a private conversation. There was no one else in the suite. I’ve never told a living person.

LOU: I’m smart. Everyone who's smart on this show knows everything.


TED ENTERS.

TED: Lou, what is the name of that big glowing thingy in the sky? I think I saw it again.

LOU: That’s the sun, Ted.

TED: I knew you’d know, Lou. (then) Are you sure?

SUE ANN: Doesn’t anyone want to know why I’m in such a good mood?


MURRAY: Or why Cesar Tovar is missing an ‘a’?

TED: You got laid.

MURRAY:  Wow.  When even the dumb guy gets it...

LOU: You met a drunk insurance salesman at that new Tex-Mex place on Marquette – Diablo Cody’s. He was despondent that the life expectancy in the U.S. just climbed to 71.2, which means unless rates went up another 3.676548% the insurance industry will lose $6.2 billion this year and $8.5 the next. So you fellated him.

SUE ANN: You bet your missing ‘a’!


TED: Can I talk now?

MURRAY: I don’t know, Ted. Can you?

TED: Lou, he’s being insubordinating again.

LOU: What is it, Ted?

TED:  Standing at the mirror doing my two-hour brow exercises this morning I came to a major revolution. News is boring. Our government does this, our soldiers are fighting that – who cares? What we need, in my humble but influenza opinion is this –  bias. We should skew the news to what I believe in and ignore the rest.


MURRAY: But you’re an idiot, Ted.

TED: I like to think of myself as a registered voter. 

SUE ANN: Now that I think about it, Aetna has an extra ‘a’.


MURRAY:  That's a ridiculous idea, Ted.  Worse even than you hosting a special on finding Al Capone's vault.  

LOU: Not so fast, Murray.  Ted, you may just have something there.


TED: I do?  I mean, I do. 

MARY: What? Oh, Mr. Grant!

LOU: No, no. Hear me out. America places 36th in literacy, 165th in attention span, 78th in learning English and there are only 73 English speaking countries, but we're 3rd in world ignorance.

TED: (proudly) God bless the U.S..

MURRAY: You’re missing another ‘a’.

LOU: We’re getting killed in the ratings by WHEEL OF FORTUNE…

SUE ANN: Doesn’t Merv Griffin own that show?

TED: He’s queer, y’know.

LOU: Maybe a newscast by a moron for morons is just where this country is heading.


ALL OVERLAPPING:

TED: And I'm the right man for the job!

MURRAY: But you can’t do that!

LOU: We gotta do something.


MURRAY: It’s wrong! It’s immoral!

SUE ANN: Immoral is fun!


MURRAY: What about integrity?


SUE ANN: I’m now covered for fire and floods.

TED: It’s my show. And I should be able to say what I want even if I don’t know what I’m saying!

LOU: Look, we’re fighting for our lives here. We’re only ten years away from cable television.

THEY ALL START YELLING AT ONCE UNTIL FINALLY:

MARY: Stop this! Quiet! All of you! I can't stand this any longer!

THERE’S SILENCE.

MARY: Do any of you know how hard it is to be a single woman in 1972?

TED: It’s 1972?



MARY: Shut up, Ted! Do you know how hard it is to be single, alone, and yes, I’m beautiful and wear fabulous clothes, but despite the propaganda to the contrary, there is a glass ceiling for women and it’s lower than the moon roof on a Nova hatchback. According to the Horner study, we women internalize that high achievement will be rewarded in a fair society when in truth we are deceiving ourselves and sacrificing a part of our souls, not to mention our identities. The survey concluded that most women in the corporate world from the late ‘60s to early ‘70s would ultimately choose the traditional sex-role stereotype when faced with conflict between their feminine image and expressing their competence and interests. How sad is that?  How completely dispiriting?  And I can’t find a man! Even with my looks! Any yet, I refuse to give up my sunny disposition. I refuse to bow to the insidious cynicism that is creeping into our collective consciousness. And I refuse to blow insurance salesmen in order to have a social life! Or home protection! I may not be getting paid, and I may not be getting laid, but I am doing something important. I’m helping to inform the public. I’m helping to ensure that when it comes time to choose the leaders who will determine the very future for us and our children – well, your children. It doesn’t look like I’m having any anytime soon. But when we’re asked to make those crucial decisions, I want to make sure we're responsibly and accurately informed. Just because ceilings are glass doesn't mean windows have to be... although, yes, most of them are.  But you get the idea.  And you want to talk about ‘a’s that don’t belong – what do you need an ‘a’ in Murray for?

MARY STORMS OFF. THERE’S SILENCE AS THEY ALL LET HER WORDS SINK IN,   FINALLY:

MURRAY: Wow.  If I wasn’t gay I’d do her in a second.

FADE OUT.

What ever became of Kelly Kelly Kelly Kelly?

Here's another reader question where I can go to the source itself. 

From Bradley:

Do you know what became of Jackie Swanson after Cheers? She was terrific as Kelly and I assume the writing staff agreed given all the excellent material she was given.

She was and is terrific.  Jackie was nice enough to provide this update.  As you'll see it's been quite a rollercoaster ride.  I must say, in light of everything, I'm struck by what a wonderful attitude she has.  There's a reason why Jackie always lit up the room.   Thanks for sharing your story, Jackie. 

Great hearing from you. I'm a longtime fan of your blog. Thanks to the person inquiring about me and what I'm up to.

This time last year, I was on the set of CONTAGION as Gwyneth Paltrow's body double. My wardrobe was exquisite! I worked with Steven Soderbergh. Great day with him in dual roles as both Director and DP. Steven the Director was also our cameraman. Also, he drives a gorgeous mint green vintage Volkswagen in real life.

In November, I had a great experience working in an ensemble comedy pilot written and directed by Deborah Ridpath. Sadly, three days later, my sister, Becky passed away. (Becky inspired me to become an actress. She was wonderful in a community theatre production of Our Town.) Liver failure due to complications after a long battle with alcoholism. Becky was not only my sister but one of my dearest closest friends. I spend lots of time with her son, my nephew Jack. Becky visited the Cheers set many times and was present when Woody married Kelly. Prince was also present for the wedding episode written by David Lloyd. Becky and I always made multiple trips to the candy drawer on the Cheers set.

Lots of commercial work. National campaigns for Stacey's Pita Chips, Orville Redenbacher, tech spots plus numerous car commercials and some PSA's for anti-meth.org. Various other spots. I love working in commercials. Some fantastic directors and very creative people involved. One day on a mountain in Aspen Colorado and another day on a frozen snow covered lake in Minnesota. Usually some great travel involved in commercial work. And I LOVE to travel.


On April 12th, I was driving on the 10 freeway mid-day. Traffic flowing at 65 mph and suddenly out of nowhere, Boom! I was hit by a "distracted" driver. She swerved across lanes of traffic and hit the right rear passenger side of my car. Basically a pit maneuver breaking my rear axle.

My car FLIPPED over and slid upside down a great distance. Came to rest upside down blocking lanes 3 and 4. The freeway was shut down. My car a total loss. I crawled out of the window onto the freeway. First time in ambulance. Fortunate no serious injuries and no broken bones. Concussion. Glass in right hand and ankle/foot lacerations. Bruised forehead. I was wearing my seat belt. And I honestly believe my health and fitness provided some protection. I am an avid runner. Very active and healthy. I am grateful to be alive. Too many "distracted" drivers, Ken. I'm sure you've noticed. Everywhere, driving seems to be secondary - people texting eating talking on the phone and people with pets in their laps. Kissing their dogs whilst driving. Yikes.


Looking forward to traveling this summer. Paris. And hiking Half-Dome in Yosemite. One of my favorite hikes! More work. Reading writing and cooking.

I'll be 49 on June 25th. Looking forward to it. Here's to Life. Cheers! Hope you and your family are well. Last time we saw one another was the memorial service for David Lloyd. One of my favorite television writers. For Cheers.  And for Mary Tyler Moore. Chuckles The Clown. Chuckles bites the dust.

Okay, I better send this off now. It's almost midnight and I have an audition tomorrow.  Read any good books lately? Any suggestions?  (Yeah.  Mine!)

My best. Talk with you soon.
Thank you.
Jackie

Thank you.   I know I speak for all my readers when I send sincere condolences and best wishes for all good things in the future. 

My commencement speech to the Class of '12

It's the same one that I gave last year's graduates but wisdom is worth re-posting.

June is the graduation time of year. I guess a hundred years ago those commencement speakers were inspiring and offered thoughts and insights that were new and fresh. But now, Jesus! Be your own person. Never give up. You have a responsibility to society. Success comes from within. Show courage. You can make a difference. Set aside time to smell the roses. Let faith be your guide. Blablablablabla.

I’ve never been asked to be a commencement speaker and that’s probably a good thing because here’s some of the advice I might give:

Live at home with your parents as long as you can. Otherwise you’ll have to find a job. Rents are high. And then there’s laundry, food, and the family big screen.

Know that the music you think is so cool now will be laughed at by future generations.

Same with clothes.

Don’t follow your current favorite group around the country for the next thirty years. That becomes sad year one.

If you are going to honor your dear departed kitty Fluffy with a tattoo make sure all your subsequent pets are also named Fluffy.

Eat bad foods. You’re at an age when you can get away with it. And eat them at midnight. There’s plenty of time in the future for watching your carbs, eating your vegetables, avoiding red meat, and laying off the Yodels and Ring Dings. Soon enough you won’t be able to eat a bite after 8:00 without spending the night in the porcelain canyon . Do you want fries with that? Damn right you do!

Don’t buy SUV’s.

Practice safe and frequent sex. Have many romances and then fall in love when you’re 30.

Go back and study the history of your chosen field. Things actually happened before 1995.

Don’t blame your parents for everything. Your peers screwed you up just as much.

Sleep. It’s better for you than Red Bull.

You can no longer take an "incomplete".

Prepare yourselves. There will come a day – in your lifetime – that they will stop making original episodes of THE SIMPSONS. I know you don't believe me but it's true.

There’s a special bond having shared the school experience together. Stay in touch with your classmates. Even the ones you’ve slept with.

Don’t invest money in video stores.

Read novels that aren’t graphic.

Join communities that aren't virtual.

Save your journal or private diary. In twenty years you’re going to get such laughs.

Dream big but always have contingency plans. And then have contingency plans for your contingency plans.

Keep your student ID card. Use it to get into movies cheaper.

Guys, don’t wear hats. You’ll have plenty of time for that later once you’ve lost your hair.

Never take comedy traffic school.

Buy your alcoholic beverages by the glass or bottle, not the keg.

And finally -- Don’t sweat it if you don’t know what you’re going to do with your life. There’s a good chance the job you'll eventually want hasn’t been invented yet.

Congratulations to the class of '12. Now get out there and don’t fuck up my Social Security.

The Teenage Fair

Here's another excerpt from my new book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).   You can get yours in Kindle or paperback.   It's a fun read and a great way to support this blog so I'm not forced to sell fruit at freeway offramps. 

The Hollywood Palladium was an art deco theater built in the’40s in Hollywood to stage big band concerts. In the ’60s it was the spring break home of the Teenage Fair. The Palladium inside and outside was filled with exhibits and booths. Guitars on display, decals, flyers, motorcycles, dance contests, electronic equipment, cosmetics, surfing demonstrations, radio remotes, record racks, and live concerts. Meanwhile, on the side of the building there was a large billboard showcasing Nana Lil’s favorite -- Lawrence Welk and his Champagne Music Makers, complete with bubbles that were supposed to ascend from a champagne flute but instead appeared to come from his nose.

I wanted to bring a date but the two-hour bus ride each way was a problem for those princesses.

I’m guessing the fair was a lot more happening at 10:00 on Friday and Saturday nights. But at noon on a Tuesday it was pretty dead. In ten minutes I was already bored. So I meandered past the drug paraphernalia exhibit and adjacent Army recruiting booth (yes, I recognized the irony even back then) to see which superstar was performing in the main room. It was a couple and they were god-awful. No wonder they were booked for the lunch hour. She was this scrawny Goth chick and he was this middle-aged goomba with a huge schnoz, a Beatle haircut, and a fur vest. Luigi Flintstone & Morticia. She at least could sing. He sounded like an ambulance siren. There were maybe eight of us watching this pathetic display, convinced that these were the two biggest losers on the planet. On the other hand, I can say I discovered Sonny & Cher.

Friday Questions

As I head down to San Diego for a weekend of broadcasting Mariners games on 710 ESPN Seattle, MLB.COM, and the Mariners Radio Network, here are this week’s Friday Questions.

God Shammgod is up first.

Do you prefer a compact set or a bigger one? Remember when "I Love Lucy" moved the action from the cramped apartment set to the huge farm set? It didn't seem to work as well.

If the show is centered on primarily two characters (like I LOVE LUCY) then I much prefer a smaller set. It’s more intimate. You like to have both actors in the same shot if possible. And as a director, I don’t have to worry about long boring crosses while actors move from one end of the set to the other.

There are times when a large elaborate set will overwhelm a scene. The actors disappear into it.

One mistake production directors make is building giant two-story sets for multi-camera shows shot before a studio audience. They’re so big a camera would have to be in the next zip code to show the whole thing. And you never see the second story unless a character goes up or down the stairs. It’s a complete waste of time and money.

For workplace shows or large ensembles a larger set makes sense. You don’t want all the characters forever on top of each other. My favorite was the CHEERS bar, designed by Oscar-winner, Richard Sylbert. It was roomy yet intimate, interesting yet not busy.

And then there is the lunch counter in Wing's and the diner on Becker. It was like the actors were practically sitting on each other's laps....

I had no problem with the WINGS airport terminal unless everyone was perched at Helen's lunch counter, but I did have issues with the BECKER diner (strictly from a shooting aspect.  Visually it was a cool set.)

But in the diner you had this large set with all the action pushed up against one wall. Actors sat at the counter and that was that. Very static and most of the set was unused and unseen.

When I directed BECKER I did whatever I could to move people around, sit them in booths, have Reggie (and later, Chris) serve tables so there would be movement, we’d get to see the set, characters would have to turn away from the counter so we shot them from different angles.

It meant being creative and finding plausible reasons to move the cast around, but the alternative was just planting everybody at the counter and I just hated that.

On the other hand, Becker's office was fantastic.  Plenty of interesting hallways and angles and the counter in the reception area was in the middle.

From Ted:

All of us loyal readers are in awe that you were able segue into a second successful career. But how much did age-ism in the industry we love contribute to your decision to switch careers?

None at all. At the time I went to the upper deck of Dodger Anaheim Stadium to learn how to do baseball play-by-play, I was in my mid-30’s. So I was still in that eleven minute window when I was my prime as far as Hollywood was concerned. Which is another reason so many people in the industry thought I was completely nuts to go off and broadcast minor league baseball for peanuts when I had such a viable career in L.A.  The truth is I managed both careers. 

But my philosophy is you’re never too old to re-invent yourself. Especially when it involves following your passion.

George asks:

How often do sitcom writers in the writers room talk about theme when breaking stories?

On good shows the theme is ever-present. And when you come up with story notions you see if they fit into the overall theme of the show. This is assuming your show even has a theme. The good ones do. Many don’t.

I’ve found that if you don’t a theme, a real direction, then you have no idea what you’re writing. And this leads to confusion, blind alleys, inconsistent shows, and long nights of spinning your wheels.

On the other hand, if you do know what your series is about, you can select the story notions that work in that framework and discard the ones that don’t. Ultimately, that saves you soooo much time and effort.

What are some themes?

30 ROCK – A woman trying to make it in a man’s world.


THE OFFICE – Average people fighting monotony and trying to make more of their lives.


ALL IN THE FAMILY – A man is terrified that the world he always knew is changing and he has no handle on the new world.

Think about how each episode directly or indirectly leads to its theme.  

And finally, from Steve:

Do you know if there were any discussion about having Sam's ex-wife appear at some point on Cheers? I always expected that she'd pop up at some point; seemed like a built-in way to create some drama somewhere down the line. I assume it's rare (for a long-running show) to have something like that mentioned in the exposition that then never got used at all.

As a reader pointed out, she appeared in one episode – the second. She was played by Donna McKechnie (who was the original Cassie in the Broadway smash, A CHORUS LINE, winning a Tony for her performance). The episode was called “Sam’s Women” written by Earl Pomerantz. Donna was hired to play one of Sam’s dates. It was only during a rewrite did we make her Sam’s ex-wife, and the reason was we simply needed a joke.

But I believe the feeling later on was that an ex-wife would only get in the way, so that little history was swept under the rug. We just proceeded as if she never existed. Don’t you wish you could do that with your ex-spouse?

What’s your Friday Question? Please buy my book. Wait. no.  What I meant to say was please leave your question in the comments section. Sorry. And thanks.