Bonus Friday Questions

Since it’s such a popular feature I thought I’d add a bonus day of Friday Questions. See? I DO read the comments.

Tore W. gets us started.

In an earlier post you listed all the people you enjoyed working with which -- amongst others -- included the entire main cast of Frasier except John Mahoney. I hope it was a slip of memory, but I'm starting to fear that he might not be as nice and kind as he is in my imagination. So the question is: How was it to work with John Mahoney?

Just an oversight I ASSURE you. John was fantastic to work with. He’s one of those actors who just seemed to elevate every line you gave him. And made it appear effortless. I spent a lot of time talking football with John. He is a huge football fan.

Happy to say that John was in a CHEERS episode we wrote, and from that appearance Casey, Lee, and Angell thought he’d be great to play Frasier’s father.

I also worked with John on BECKER and THE TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW. To say I’m a fan is putting it mildly.

Herschel queries:

I've written a 15 page short with three characters. When I write I find it difficult to hear three different voices in my head. Is that bad? Is there a method or way, as a writer, to write with a different voice as you write? I guess that's the genius of a great writer.

Write very detailed profiles of your characters. Where are they from? How do they dress? What are their attitudes about things? How old are they? Does one talk slowly? Or with an accent? Fill up pages with little traits and background info. 

Sometimes if you model characters after people you know you can hear those people in your head. 

A great way to distinguish your characters is to make them all very different from each other.

And the best advice is to just LISTEN to people. Sit in a food court and just eavesdrop on conversations. What slang expressions are they using? How halting is their speech? How articulate are they? Do they cut each other off? Do they leave out pronouns? Do they babble? Or practically whisper? Do they say “like” six times in every sentence?

You can even jot down certain expressions or traits you’ve observed.

The more you can delineate the characters in your head, the better.

Barefoot Billy Aloha asks:

So, I'm watching and laughing along with Cheers and one of the bar wars episodes you guys wrote (S11-EP19, Bar Wars VII, The Naked Prey)when I see a familiar face sitting at the bar.

What in the Wide Wide World of Sports was golfer John Daly doing as an extra?

You’re either very observant or spending too much time watching the extras. Yes, occasionally we would slip someone of note in the background. One of my favorite sports columnists of all-time, Allan Malamud (pictured: left), would pop up in the bar three or four times a year during the later seasons. Steve Bailey, a longtime LA sports announcer and one of my broadcast mentors also spent some time swilling beer at the bar.

We were also not above throwing relatives in there too. Rhea’s dad Phil became a regular and even a recurring character. My dad can be seen from time to time at the juke box hustling young women.

I, meanwhile, made only one appearance for one scene during the last Bar Wars episode. I was pretty great, if I do say so. At least as good as John Daly.

From ally:

Why is your name before David's on the title card? Did you flip a coin to decide?

Sssssssh. Don’t tell David.

Actually, my name came first originally because I called him and said I’m going to try writing a script, would he like to write it with me?

But once we started actually selling I made an offer some other teams employ – we could rotate the names from year to year. At that point David said leave it. Our credit flashes on and off so quickly and his relatives knew where to look so we just kept things status quo.

However, when David and I wrote ALMOST PERFECT scripts with Robin Schiff we did shuffle the names.

Douglas Trapasso has a question that is timely considering the technical snafu during game one of the World Series.

Have -you- ever worked play by play when there was a major technical flareup like in Game One? How did you ad lib through it?

One time calling a Mariner TV game in Detroit the monitor went out as did the audio channel allowing the director to talk into my ear. I didn’t know if I was still on the air or if I was but the picture wasn’t. I just said on the air that we’re having technical issues and began calling the game as if on radio in case the audience wasn’t receiving video. Turns out it was just my monitor, the audience was receiving the picture just fine. So some of the viewers were probably thinking, “why doesn’t this idiot shut up? He’s telling us all this stuff we can see.” It would not be the first time a viewer thought I should shut up.

Once, while announcing for the Orioles, we were in Cleveland for a night game. This was the old stadium, a cavernous grim drafty structure on the shore of Lake Erie. I was alone on the radio. My partner was doing television.

Five minutes after the game began the lights went out. It was still light enough to play but they decided to take a delay until the problem could be corrected.

Our format required that once a game began we would not send it back to stations during delays. So I had to ad lib.

Now usually with a rain delay there are satellite images and they can guestimate how long the delay will be. But with this, no one had any idea.

And since it was the very start of the game, I had nothing to recap. I could give the pitching match up and keys to the game, etc. but I had just done all of that.

I don’t recall much of what I said but I reprised all the pre-game nuggets, and I know I did a whole bit about how hard it was to get an electrician to make house calls after business hours. I said the PA announcer should ask if there was anyone in the house who could solder. I think I then created this electrician character who I said they found in a bar. Everyone was holding their breath that he wouldn’t have to climb up one of the light towers. Then I said he’d only take cash and a hat was passed around in the Indians’ dugout. Goofy stuff like that.

The delay lasted forty-five minutes. And this was the night after I had call a double-header by myself in Kansas City where both games went into extra innings.

And still, I loved every minute of it.

More Friday Questions coming on Friday. Leave yours in the comments section. Thanks.

Short attention span blogging

Random thoughts in no particular order of importance except for the first one.  

Happy Birthday to my son, Matt. I love you kid. You make me proud every day.

Congratulations to the Kansas City Royals. I’m sure glad I didn’t have to host “Mets Talk” last night.

The difference: The Royals had multiple gamers; the Mets had multiple Buckners.

Anyone notice that when Fox showed Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock at the World Series they ignored Trevor Noah who was standing right next to them?

Is THE DAILY SHOW still even on?

Now that BURNT bombed can Hollywood finally stop giving us these clichéd movies centered around rogue egomaniac chefs who treat everyone like shit in the name of food preparation? Having to use Ragu does not make you a tortured artist.

Attention Hollywood: Moviegoers would rather watch Matt Damon grow potatoes than Bradley Cooper whipping up a souffle.

Fox coverage of the World Series was exhausting. Every single pitch was analyzed. Just let the game breathe. To borrow from THE MARTIAN, stop trying to science the shit out of this.

Fox analyst Frank Thomas had these comforting words: “The Mets have nothing to hang their heads about except they didn’t play very well and gave away the World Series.”  Gee, why didn't you speak at my graduation? 

And the indignities continue. When the Royals get their Championship Rings on opening day next year, guess which team they’ll be playing? Yep. The New York Mets.

The Academy screeners have begun arriving. I got FURIOUS SEVEN last week. There’s a waste of money. We don’t need to watch screeners to know that Vin Diesel deserves a Best Actor nomination.

The movie I’m most looking forward to this season is TRUMBO. I hear Bryan Cranston is extraordinary in it. Who knew the goofy dad on MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE was our next great American actor?

I’m also hearing great buzz on the new Aziz Ansari comedy, MASTER OF NONE that arrives this week on Netflix.

When Ben Carson watches SUPERGIRL, does he think it’s real?

What am I gonna do with all those tiny Scotch bottles the kids didn’t take for treat-or-treat?

Considering all the NCIS’s, joining the Navy must be like joining Al Capone's gang.   How many crimes can one branch of the service have? 

The producers of QUANTICO are being sued for stealing the idea of the show. The amazing thing is that anyone wants to take credit for that ridiculous premise.

Sorry to hear of Al Molinaro’s passing. It goes back to my mantra. Hire FUNNY people. I was surprised to learn that he was 96. I never worked with him but everyone I know who did loved him. And he got into show business the smart way. He made a fortune before becoming an actor.

Do you remember him more as Murray the cop on THE ODD COUPLE or Al Delvecchio on HAPPY DAYS?

Note to Howard Stern: Re-up with Sirius/XM. Sue them of course but stay on the air. The King of All Retirement does not have the same ring. Besides, you know you love to be on the radio.

I’m looking to put together some kind of get-together in Los Angeles this month to celebrate the ten-year anniversary of this blog. Does this even sound like something you’d like to attend? I’d hate to be standing all alone at the Palm or Chuck E. Cheese.

Networks are trimming series orders like crazy. I feel bad for the midseason shows that haven’t even premiered yet and already their orders are getting cut. “Hey, what did we do?”

I have a ten-minute One Act Play currently playing Monday nights at the Whitefire Theatre in Studio City as part of their HOLLYWOOD SHORTS festival. It’s a comedy starring Paul Pape and Liz Bliss, who are both hilarious despite my direction. The piece is called WAITING FOR GO. I’ll be there so if you drop by say hi.  8 PM tonight. 

It's dark out already?

This is always one of most depressing days of the year – the day we go off Daylight Savings Time. I hate that it gets dark so early. And I’m in Los Angeles. I can imagine what it’s like in Maine.

This was especially true when I was a kid. I couldn’t stay out and play past 4:30. And there was always school the next day. Who needed that shit?

Looking back though, I did have one fond memory of late fall Sunday afternoons – watching NFL football. Of course this was sooooo long ago that Los Angeles actually had a team.

I was a big Rams fan. I guess at heart I still am although fuck ‘em for moving to St. Louis. If they return I’ll be a fan again… although when things come back they’re usually not the same. I call that the “Hawaii 5-0 Syndrome.” They were not very good in my childhood. In 1959 they were 2-10. (Ironically, one of their wins was against the Packers in Green Bay. Final score: Rams 45, Vince Lombardi 6.)

I’m going way back before the AFL really had a toehold. The NFL was the Big Kahuna. Here’s how far back I’m going – the NFL actually had a competent commissioner. One of the many things that Pete Rozelle did right was set up the television package. One network – CBS – carried all of the games. Every team split the rights equally. So a small market team like Green Bay would get as much as the New York Giants. Unlike baseball, there was true parity.

And the broadcast schedule was the same for every team. In every market that had an NFL franchise, you got one or two games a week. All of your road games were televised and only home games that sold out a few days before kickoff. Otherwise, you saw another game.

Since the Rams played in the Coliseum with a seating capacity of over 100,000 (and they sucked) they never sold out. But that was okay. Here’s why:

Local team announcers called the games. There were no national guys – no generic slick interchangeable robots with the same voice. The game callers had regional accents, and distinctive styles, and were passionate about their teams. They added way more to the experience than just whiz-bang graphics and endless replays.

The Rams had the great Bob Kelley calling their games. I assume most teams had a similar rotation. Kell would call the home games on radio and the road games on TV. (Bill Brundage would call the road radio games). Kelley's TV color guy for years was (are you sitting down?) NOT an ex-player. Gil Stratton, a local sportscaster and former actor (he was in STALAG-17) provided the analysis for several years. And the fun thing here was that Kelley had no use for him. He completely ignored him. This was a typical exchange:

KELLEY: Pass to Arnett – incomplete.

STRATTON: Bob, the Rams are relying way too much on their passing game, don’t you think?

KELLEY: Second and ten from the thirty-four.

I used to love when the Rams were home because that meant we usually got the early game. Before Monday Night Football all games started at 1:00 on Sunday. If you were on the West Coast that meant games from the East started at 10:00. I’d watch a game in the morning and listen to the Rams in the afternoon. I imagine if you were on the East Coast and saw a Rams game it must’ve been doubly depressing because it was already dark where you were and still sunny in California.

But I loved those morning East Coast games more than anything. I’d hear the elegant Chuck Thompson (later to be my partner with the Orioles) call the Baltimore Colts, the stentorian Ken Coleman of the Cleveland Browns and Van Patrick of the Detroit Lions. I forget who called the Bears and Eagles but do remember Chris Schenkel of the Giants (sorry I didn’t get to hear Marty Glickman do their radio), and the best of the best – Ray Scott of the Packers.

Scott had the voice of God and used it to perfection. He style was very minimal. This was a typical call that would send shivers through my body.

SCOTT: Taylor. First down.

I know. You had to be there. But it was thrilling.

Those were different times. I will say this – there was never a World Series game after Daylight Savings back then. As much as I love baseball, it just seems wrong still playing in November. “Hey you kids. Get off my outfield!”

Halloween memories

This has always been one of my favorite holidays, especially when the kids were little. Taking them trick-or-treating and seeing them so excited and happy was one of the true joys of parenthood. And then eating the candy they collected was fun too. Of course there’s always that one eccentric house. We had a dentist who gave out toothbrushes. Thank goodness he wasn’t a proctologist.

And where I live, near UCLA, there was always a second wave of trick-or-treaters.  After the kids had turned in for the night, sorority girls in yummy costumes would ring the bell. I’d be holding the candy bowl for them in one hand and my Emmy in the other.

During Matt & Annie’s elementary school years there was also the annual Halloween carnival. This was a public school catering to the local neighborhood but we were hardly a typical neighborhood. One year I volunteered to make snow cones and Hugh Hefner and his six bimbos strolled up to my cart. He had a kid in the school. A noted soft-porn actress whose children attended the school offered this for the silent auction: A two hour nude session where you could photograph or paint her. The principal graciously declined that offer, but I bet it would have brought in a lot more money than the autographed WINGS script I donated.

For the school’s “Haunted House” Gene Simmons participated. He would pop up and stick out that four-foot tongue. One mother was so freaked she literally sued the school.

Ah, good times.

One thing I learned though -- Halloween is an OUTDOOR holiday.

My son’s birthday is November 2nd. (Happy upcoming birthday, Matt!). When he turned five Halloween night fell on a Saturday. So for his party we invited a bunch of his friends to the house where I would take them all out trick-or-treating and then they’d come back for pizza and cake. 5-7 PM. No muss. No fuss. Great plan.

Except it rained. No, it POURED.

First off, as parents deposited their kids they asked if we’d take siblings since they couldn’t take them trick-or-treating in the rain. Of course we said yes, and so at 5:00 I had forty screaming crazed children running around my house – chasing each other with hatchets, and fairy wands, and Star Wars blasters. After relentlessly trying to wrangle this supercharged mob I finally sat down on the stairs and took a breath. I was so proud of myself. I had gotten through it. It’s almost 7. Then I checked my watch. 5:20.

If you have little kids enjoy these precious Halloweens. Soon enough they’ll outgrow you, want to be with their friends instead, and trade blasters for tequila shooters. At least I still have my memories… and the sorority girls keep coming around.

One last Halloween note: I’ve always found it odd that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in this holiday so they stay home…on the only night of the year when people would actually open their doors to them.

Happy Halloween.

Boo!

This is a repost from several Halloweens ago.

Friday Questions

This year for Halloween I’m going as a blogger. Here are this week’s FQ’s.

TF leads off:

Do you have a favorite on screen credit "title card" for want of a better name?

That is to say - a favorite broadcast image from a show with your name juxtaposed against something/someone pretty/weird.

See the above screen grab. This was from the movie VOLUNTEERS. As a baseball fan it was cool to have my name over Roger Maris hitting his historic 61st home run.

This was another favorite.  Our first.  It was from THE JEFFERSONS and at the time, we had no idea whether this would be the ONLY on screen credit we'd ever have.  

From Belle:

Throughout the course of MASH Hawkeye has a habit of sniffing his food before eating it, something which seems to have started quite early in the show's run. By the time it was actually acknowledged properly, it had been happening for a while. Do you know if that was something that was written in and just not used straight away, or if it was something Alan Alda started doing and the writers eventually decided to use?

It’s something that Alan came up with. The food, by the way, was not bad at all. It was from the commissary. The problem was they’d be eating for quite some time. Most of the time we had scenes in the mess tent there were five or six people sitting at the table. We did multiple takes – masters, two shots, and singles for reactions. So two bites could easily turn into twenty.  That's a lot of creamed corn.

Stephen wonders:

Ever written something that, looking back with more modern sensibilities, you wish you had done a little differently?

No. Not for PC reasons. Whatever I wrote was appropriate for the times. I can’t worry that maybe two generations from now some people are going to find a certain reference offensive. Get a life future generations!

There are however, shows I’ve written in the past that I wish I could have back, but that’s because I feel I could now tell the story better or beat the jokes.

Matt asks:

It seems to me several TV shows have such strong premises that I don't see how they can be long running shows. For example QUANTICO. There are 12 recruits, one is a spy. Once you catch the spy what is the series about? How can you delay catching the spy more than one season?

Is this type of problem a concern or does everybody just assume that if it is possible they will figure something out.

It should be a concern, but apparently it’s not. Networks are now so desperate to hook in viewers that they will mortgage a series’ future to open big. What will BLINDSPOT ever do that’s more compelling than finding a hot naked tattooed woman in a duffle bag?

Networks now just hope that once a series is launched the producers will find a way to keep the stories going. And often they don’t.

Take PRISON BREAK. The first year was great, watching inmates planning their escape. But once they got out the series wandered all over the place.

As a showrunner, it was always important to me that anything my partner and I developed had legs. We were going to be the ones breaking stories. We were the ones who sitting in rewrites at 3 AM. If we didn’t know what the show was about we would be trapped in that room forever.

I’m waiting to see long it will be before another naked girl will be discovered on BLINDSPOT. This time it will be a star. Stunt casting.

I’m also waiting to see how long before the tattoos will be ads for products.

The Bumble Bee Pendant asks:

We really like UNDATEABLE on NBC. We liked it when it was taped before a live studio audience and now that it's always LIVE before an audience.
The show is consistently laugh out loud funny and we smile the whole way through.

I know NBC forced it to play live (twice a night) for it to be renewed and on the air (Friday nights).

However, doesn't this eventually hurt the syndication of the reruns? I can't imagine LIVE shows play as well on a repeated cycle. Doesn't this hurt the property and the payments for the future?

Not if the show is genuinely funny. If the only reason it survives is because of the novelty of the live presentation then that will wear off soon. But if it's entertaining in its own right, then it should do fine.

What’s your FQ?

Thanks!

... to everyone who took the time to tell me who you are.   I greatly appreciate the support and will do my best to keep you entertained or at least suitably distracted.   If you haven't checked in, please do.  Just add a comment with who you are, where you're from, how old you are, why you're here, and what you do or don't like.  Enough of you seem pleased with the current variety of topics that I don't feel compelled to add medical advice or photos of pets.   Thanks again. 

Who are you?

I try to do this at least once a year -- throw it back to you.  I'm always curious as to who is out there.  So today I'm asking you to file a comment.

I'd like to know where in the world you are?  How old you are?  How long have you been following the blog?  How did you find out about it the first time?    How often do you read it?  What do you hope to get out of it?  What's your blood type?

And I know I'm leading with my chin but I'd also like feedback.  What topics and posts do you like and (besides baseball) what areas don't you like?

I especially want to hear from the lurkers and new followers.

Any and all suggestions are welcome.  This blog is coming up on ten years next month.  But it's still very much a work-in-progress.

Thanks for reading.  Thanks for participating.  Thanks for buying my books (those of you who had). 

My thoughts on THE MARTIAN

Hollywood movies take creative license. They all do. The question is whether the audience is willing to suspend belief. STEVE JOBS has taken a lot of heat for its stylized portrait of a real person. And yet, THE MARTIAN has gotten a free ride. I’ve seen THE MARTIAN and it’s excellent. No real spoiler alert here since you all basically know the story. Matt Damon is an astronaut who is stranded on Mars. He survives on his ingenuity. NASA attempts to rescue him.

Matt Damon is sensational. You know an actor has star power when you can watch him grow potatoes for two hours. (Imagine Keanu Reeves in the part and the movie loses $400 million.) Screenwriter Drew Goddard’s adaptation of Andy Weir’s book is both exciting and surprisingly funny. And director Ridley Scott returns to familiar territory, once again directing a movie set on Mars. (THELMA & LOUISE and HANNIBAL being the others.)

But if you want to get picky…

Yes, they say they took great care to ensure that the science was correct. And I’m sure some of it was. But again, if you wish to step back and really analyze it, you can find tiny holes in the plot and execution that the filmmakers obviously just glossed over in the name of “creative license.”

So just to show that every movie fudges with the truth, even boxoffice darlings, let me point out a few examples of why discerning moviegoers might have big problems with this film.

First of all, Mark (Damon’s character) got absolutely no help from the Martian people. You’re telling me that not one Martian would offer jumper cables or even a Mars bar? This alone almost ruined the movie for me.

They didn’t use Apple computers? Really?

There was not enough diversity among the astronaut crew members. This is the same problem I had with THE KING’S SPEECH and THE SOUND OF MUSIC. Oh sure, there were African-American and Asian scientists, but they don’t count. What’s important is the crew. In this case, one Hispanic and one guy who didn’t have pretty hair. I’m not saying they HAD to have a Martian, but they left themselves wide open to criticism.

Sean Bean played a high official at NASA. He was once a Bond villain. Don’t they do security checks?

When watching in 3D the Russet Potatoes don’t jump out at you.

He never celebrated Christmas. If he can grow potatoes, why not a tree? Uh, this is not a summer release, people.

Oh?  He was alone on Mars?  Then who were these guys?

You mean to say there were all these supplies on board but not one volleyball?

And finally, later in the movie Damon is wearing glasses. Why wasn’t her wearing them earlier? I saw the film at a WGA screening where screenwriter Goddard did a Q&A afterwards. And one fellow Guild member actually asked him that question. Why wasn’t he wearing glasses earlier? Suddenly my other quibbles don’t seem so far fetched, do they?

I recommend you see THE MARTIAN despite its glaring flaws.

The best way to enjoy the World Series

Both the Mets and the Royals have GREAT local radio announcers.  If you have the AT BAT app or get Sirius/XM you can hear these broadcasts.   The Mets have a sensational team in Howie Rose and Josh Lewin, and the Royals counter with terrific broadcasters in Steve Physioc and Ryan Lefebrve. Check 'em out.  Especially now that Jon Miller isn't doing the national radio. 

Supergirl

Okay, I liked SUPERGIRL.

But why?

Is it because I’m still eight and always loved Superman comics and anything associated with Superman?

Is it because I’m still fourteen and like seeing a hot girl in a skimpy outfit fly?

I’d like to think there are other reasons because if not then Jesus, I’m either immature or a perv.

There are other reasons, thank goodness. First and foremost, it was a pleasure watching a superhero who LIKED being a superhero. The reason little boys all loved Superman was because we all secretly wanted to BE Superman. (Well, not so secret. When the original TV series came out me and all my friends ran around the neighborhood with towels tied around our necks. My grandmother once said, “He can fly, he can stop bullets – God forbid he’s Jewish.”)

The point is, there was actual JOY happening on SUPERGIRL – unlike that atrociously depressing Zack Snyder version of Superman. Melissa Benoist wants to be Supergirl. Yeah, it’s a burden and there are all these super villains (I just zone out during all the backstory and legend balloon juice), but she’s having F-U-N fun.

I also liked how earnest she was. I prefer my superheroes positive and plucky, instead of damaged souls who are haunted by the murder of their parents or listen incessantly to right wing talk radio.

There were a lot of exciting action sequences, but I kept reminding myself this was the pilot. Next week, when they’re making the show for whatever the network license fee is her biggest stunt might be bending a lead pipe. I hope they keep the action up because the dialogue was Kryptonite. At one point her Earth sister says, “I wanted to be a star. You could actually touch stars.”  Jeepers!

The rest of the cast was fine. Calista Flockhart, her devil-Prada boss, has skin the color of Great Caesar’s Ghost. Chyler Leigh plays her sister. One of the rods from Kara’s spaceship must’ve broken off on impact and lodged up Leigh’s ass. Kara saves her life by averting a plane crash she was on, and her reaction is to scold Kara for exposing her powers. “Hey bitch, how about thank you?” Mehcad Brooks is “James” Olsen, not Jimmy Olsen and is African-American. Diversity enters the Superman universe. And Jeremy Jordan plays Kara’s friend/confidant/possible love interest if it turns out there’s enough diversity and he doesn’t have to be gay.

Do I have quibbles? Sure I do. It’s mindless, it’s silly, and God forbid Kara is Jewish!

But the bottom line: SUPERGIRL is a guilty pleasure. It’s COVERT AFFAIRS with flying. It’s ALIAS with a cape.

And it’s not on my DVR just because I’m either eight or fourteen-years-old, although maybe if I were, CBS would once again give a shit that I was watching.

Some people you might want to know

Last week in a blog post I made a reference to Oscar Levant. He was a personality/actor/musician with a razor sharp wit, a drinking problem, smoking problem, and a thousand and one neuroses. He spent time in mental institutions. He said some of the funniest lines in his day. He composed music for twenty movies. No less than George Gershwin thought no one played and interpreted his music better than Oscar Levant. In his later years, Levant would be a frequent guest on talk shows, chain smoking and shaking so bad it appeared he was having a seizure. He even hosted his own local talk show in Los Angeles, when he wasn’t hospitalized. He once fell asleep on the air interviewing a guest.

When his first wife married the movie theater tycoon Arthur Loew, he found the hotel they were staying at and on their wedding night at 2:00 in the morning called the room and asked Arthur, “What’s playing at the Loew’s State tonight and what time does the feature go on?”

He once said, “There is a fine line between genius and insanity and I have erased that line.” A noted hypochondriac, this is what it says on his grave stone:

                                            OSCAR LEVANT
                                                1906-1972
                                      See, I told you I was sick

Pretty interesting guy, no?

Some readers took me to task for referring to someone they felt was too obscure (i.e. they didn’t know who he was). I noted in the comment section, and repeat here – either just skip the reference or, if you’re curious enough, look it up. Gone are the days you had to schlep to the library. Two/three clicks and you can find out all you ever wanted to know about Oscar Levant. Or any public figure.

I also mentioned that I learned a lot about show business that came before me by seeing unfamiliar people (like Oscar Levant) on talk shows and seeking out their backstory. I owe a great debt to Jack Paar (you may have to look him up too) for exposing me to many of these colorful individuals.

So what I’d like to do today is list a bunch of names. If you are a serious student of comedy you should be familiar with these people, or at least a lot of them. Maybe some of them you are. But exploring their work might open you up to exciting new vistas. So that’s your homework assignment if it feels like something worth it to you and something you want to do.

Here they are. There are way more but this is a good start.

Bob & Ray
Kaufman & Hart
Laurel & Hardy
Abbot & Costello
Mosher & Connelly
Gosden & Correll
Klavan & Finch
Patchett & Tarses
Persky & Denoff
Larry Gelbart
Nat Hiken
Patrick Dennis
“Sgt. Bilko”
Preston Sturges
Jack Benny
Stan Freberg
Doug Kenney
Chuck Jones
Billy Wilder
Jerry Belson
Carole Lombard
Buster Keaton
Bob Hope
Fred Allen
Gary Larson
Jackie Gleason
Art Carney
Audrey Meadows
Moms Mabley
Steve Allen
Tom Koch
Gary Owens
Andrew Bergman
Richard Pryor
Robert Benchley
The Smothers Brothers
The Marx Brothers
The Charles Brothers
The Zucker Brothers
The Farrelly Brothers
S.J. Perelman
I.A.L. Diamond
Sophie Tucker
Phyllis Diller
Neil Simon
Bob Uecker
Jonathan Winters
Lenny Bruce
Peter Sellers
Sid Caesar
David Lloyd
Carol Burnett
Jeff Martin
Steve Gordon
Harold Ramis
Herb Gardner
Pat McCormick
Pat Paulsen
Senor Wences
Jack Lemmon
Ian Frazier
Flip Wilson
Paul Rudnick
John Hughes
Dale Launer
Jay Ward
Walter Matthau
Ernie Kovacs
Elayne Boosler
Mort Sahl
Tom Lehrer
Godfrey Cambridge
Elizabeth Montgomery
Tony Randall
Mort Drucker
Gary Burbank
Abe Burrows
Edgar Bergen
Marshall Brickman
Alan Arkin
Arne Kogen
Don Knotts
Louie Nye
Alan King
Jan Murray
Foster Brooks
Dave Thomas
P.J. O’Rourke
Zero Mostel
James L. Brooks
Danny Kaye
Eve Arden
Victor Borge
Dudley Moore
Dan Ingram
Dick Gregory
Terry Southern
Jackie Mason
Jackie Vernon
Robert W. Morgan
W.C. Fields
Ben Hecht
Gene Wilder
Steve Martin
Tracey Ullman
John Cleese
Mel Tolkin
Carl Reiner
Christopher Guest
Ivan Reitman
Lowell Ganz
Babaloo Mandel
Dorothy Parker

Look up even five.   I bet you'll thank me.

You're also welcome to add names I inadvertently omitted.

NOTE:  Woody Allen was omitted only because you all know who he is.   He was a HUGE influence on me and I suggest if you haven't read his comic essays or seen his early "funny" movies you're in for a real treat. 

Love Letters

This is a revised re-post.  I first wrote this piece in 2006.  I was reminded of it last night because I finally saw LOVE LETTERS.  This version starred Ryan O'Neal and Ali MacGraw.  They were both terrific.  I'm friends with Ryan and went backstage after.  Thrill of thrills, I got to meet Ali MacGraw.  Like every Jewish boy of my generation, I fell in love with her in GOODBYE COLUMBUS. 

So I thought I would reprise my LOVE LETTERS post.  But it was shocking how many of the people I had listed are now gone.   Thus I've had to sprinkle in a few new pairs.  Enjoy again for the first time:

LOVE LETTERS by AR Gurney is an enormously successful play. Ingenious in its design, an actor and actress sit at tables or stand at podiums and just read love letters. So no blocking or rehearsal or memorization is ever really needed. Actors can easily rotate in and out of the piece and frequently do. This can result in prestigious A-level actor pairings but there have also been productions by Charlton and Lydia Heston. Since I couldn’t attend either of those I shall wait to see LOVE LETTERS until one of the following pairings is announced:

Ann Coulter & Al Franken

Woody Allen & Mia Farrow

Donald Trump & Megyn Kelly

Bruce Jenner & Caitlin Jenner

Marc Cherry & Nicollette Sheridan

Ben Affleck & Jennifer Garner

Billy Bob Thornton & Angelina Jolie

Tom Cruise & anyone

Mary Tyler Moore & Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Regis Philbin & Kelly Rippa

Dr. Laura & Dr. Phil

Liza Minelli & David Gest

Donnie & Marie

Paula Abdul & Simon Cowell

George W. Bush & a mannequin

Andrew Dice Clay & Amy Grant

Bjork & Bob Dylan

Kermit & Miss Piggy

Matt Lauer & Ann Curry

Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt

Pamela Anderson & Rick Salomon (divorced for the third time)

Stephen Collins & anyone

And of course, Broadway’s favorite stunt casting duo, whether they fit the roles or not….

Nathan Lane & Matthew Broderick

Here's the product you HAVE to have!!!

But don't just take my word for it. Here are some actual reviews:


Wendy Sherer ("Cosmetic Guru") from Pittsburgh, PA, writes: "Not only a wonderful teaching model, but while trying to find the tumors, I discovered, it acts as a makeshift stress ball! When I am in line at the grocery store I just whip out this handy little bugger and squeeze away [and] the line around me just [disappears]."


Tricky Rick of Satantonio, TX, says, "finally a product I can use." "Who doesn't love playing with scrotum? I know I do! So does my wife. But sometimes I have to leave the house to, I don't know, go to work or buy groceries and I have to take my scrotum away from my wife's hands. This made her sad... until NOW! Now she has a scrotum to play with when I'm not around. I also find it useful when I feel the need to play with a scrotum other than my own and don't want to impose on coworkers, friends, family members (I said 'members') or our local priest."

C.H. Risk finds that it "makes a great fashion accessory." "They are a real lifesaver on the cold winter days, and the ladies go wild for the smooth, polished look."

And the winner is:

Thanks to my friend, Alexis for turning me on to this vital product. Not sure why she thought of me though.

Re-posted just in time for holiday shopping.

Sitcom Room 2015

Highlights from the Sitcom Room.

Attendees were treated to a great panel on writing. From left to right, the moderator (only me), Jane Espenson (ONCE UPON A TIME, GAME OF THRONES, BUFFY, HUSBANDS), Jim Vallely (ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, GOLDEN GIRLS, TWO AND A HALF MEN), and a couple of young writers talking about breaking in today, Annie Levine & Jonathan Emerson (INSTANT MOM, GOOD LUCK CHARLIE).

I believe these were the attendees.

After my long-winded lecture on comedy writing the attendees were split up into four four "writing rooms."  They were given a scene to rewrite.  The problems were all on the page.  The actors were great.  Andy Goldbert, Mandy Kaplan, Jack Zullo, and Annie Abrams. 

The writing teams were then given network and studio notes.  "Studio Head" Bob Rosenfarb gave them the bad news.

At this point the groups went to their writing rooms.  Lots of smiles.

But within twenty minutes...

The next morning the groups got together to watch the revised scenes they had written.  Here are a few of the actors rehearsing tirelessly.

They then performed the scenes.  Every one got big laughs.   My kids grow up so fast.

SITCOM ROOM was a great weekend.   Thanks to Dan O'Day, Andrea Wachner, Bob Rosenfarb, my cast and panel, and especially my attendees.  Hopefully they had fun, learned a lot, and will catch up on sleep by 2016.  

Friday Questions

Let’s get to some Friday Questions to get you ready for the weekend.

Mitchell Hundred leads off:

How do you prevent yourself from overusing a character (i.e. to an extent that the novelty or the thing that made them popular in the first place gets worn out)?

This is always a tough call because if an actor is really scoring you naturally just want to keep going back to that well. We faced that with the Colonel Flagg character, played so well by Edward Winter. Ultimately, we felt once a season was just about right. The character was a little cartoonish so we felt once a year was enough. And he was so funny that his appearance always became an event.

On FRASIER, the Bebe character, a tour de force for Harriet Harris, was so strong, but the feeling was “Bebe” would have more impact if used in spots. The goal was to have her appearance be a real treat for the audience. And it was.

Although, for my money, Harriet Harris is hilarious in whatever role she plays.

From MikeK.Pa:

What’s your feeling about sight gags in sitcoms? I could think of classic ones from THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, THE HONEYMOONERS and I LOVE LUCY but couldn't think of any recent ones. Are they outdated like the silent movies, which relied on them and made comedies by Keaton, Chaplin and Lloyd truly universal (except for the translated title cards) and timeless?

I unabashedly LOVE sight gags. Even on sophisticated shows there’s room for physical comedy. We did them on MASH, CHEERS, and FRASIER. And did you ever NOT laugh at Kramer on SEINFELD? 30 ROCK did some sight gags as I recall.

Why there is less of it today on sitcoms I can’t say. There certainly are wonderful physical comedians out there.

And sight gags are still a staple of films, especially studio releases. Has there been a trailer in the last ten years for a comedy that didn’t feature a pratfall?

Dan Ball asks:

Which actor, whether they played either a series regular or even frequent background player (like Al Rosen or Phil Perlman), was the best ad-libber on CHEERS? Like they could take what was written on the page and take it up a few notches, either by changing the words themselves on the spot or killing it with their timing? Someone who would always deliver something way better than what you guys had imagined in the writers room.

None of the actors ad libbed, but they pretty much all lifted the material. If I had to pick one though it would be David Hyde Pierce on FRASIER. If there ever was an alchemist it was David. I was and continue to be in awe of his ability (and his kindness). And talk about a great physical comedian. If you haven’t seen this yet, treat yourself. Sheer mastery.



ChicagoJohn wonders:

Occasionally, I see a show that sends me into a writing frenzy. The show is sooo f*#king good that I'm inspired and jealous at the same time.

1) does this happen to you?
2) what shows have "sent you writing"?

When my writing partner, David Isaacs and I were just starting out we happened to get tickets to see the filming of a MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. It was the famous “Chuckles Bites the Dust” episode written by David Lloyd.

We didn’t know whether to be incredibly inspired or intimidated because what were the chances we were ever going to write anything that even approached being that good? You don’t know whether to shoot for the moon or give up.  Fortunately, we hung in there... although we're still trying to write something that good.

What’s your FQ?

STEVE JOBS -- my review

As readers of this blog know, I love Aaron Sorkin’s writing. Yes, it’s stylized; no, real people don’t talk like that – but it’s smart and thought provoking and in a world where Donald Trump is actually a serious candidate for President and people give a shit about the Kardashians it’s a nice fantasy that not everyone is a dolt.

Sorkin always chooses arenas filled with bright Mensa members so you believe that his characters are at least capable of spontaneously delivering a masterful speech with a killer closing line. He’s not writing SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT 9.

His latest endeavor is STEVE JOBS. Clearly a fascinating subject, Jobs was a visionary, a tyrant, a genius, a nutcase, a failure, and spectacular success. All before breakfast. He was admired and feared. He was a perfectionist to where Oscar Levant would say “lighten up.” Jobs was truly larger-than-life. Unless you had Ashton Kutcher starring as him, it’s hard to imagine a bad movie about such a dynamic personality.

Add to the mix, Danny Boyle as director. He is without a doubt one of the finest, most creative, visually stunning directors we have. So on paper this was an absolute Dream Team making this film.

The result is very good. But if the real Steve Jobs were running the studio he would probably send it back for more development, rewrites, and reshoots. It’s an iPad that still has some bugs in it.

And to a certain extent, I blame the director.

Sorkin wanted to do a biopic that wasn’t the standard linear timeline you most often see. He also knew he couldn’t tell the whole story. The book he adapted is probably 10,000 pages (I don’t know. I have the Kindle version. It just tells me what percentage of the book I’ve completed. I read it a few years ago and seem to recall he was well into his teens before I reached 2%.) I applaud Sorkin for that. What he came up with was an interesting conceit. He would show the introduction of three of his signature products. The action would take place during the final few minutes before he had to go on stage and make his presentation.

Taking a bit of creative license, in all three scenarios people in his life would appear and get into verbal wrestling matches with him. His ex, his daughter, his former business associate, his former tech partner, his girl Friday.  Who provided security for these venues?  

Now in real life, at least some of these people might say “there may be a better time than five minutes before you have to address thousands of uber nerds.” Perhaps a discussion of why he was fired from his own company ten years prior could come at another time. When I was about to go on the air and broadcast a baseball game to a thirty-station network I generally did not get into a big argument with a former girlfriend over whether she should convert.

But like I said, it was a conceit and artists do that all the time. I think it would have served the material better if it were a play, but that’s neither here nor there.

So why I’m I blaming the director?

Because the dialogue, as rich and wonderful as it was, was relentless. Each segment played the same – fast paced, up against the clock, juggling crises – but without a break it was ultimately exhausting. David Fincher figured that out directing Sorkin’s SOCIAL NETWORK. He left some room for the audience to breathe. As a result, it was much easier to process, and when there were those high-charged super Sorkin exchanges they really popped. There were sections of STEVE JOBS when I admit I zoned out.

The film plays at one level – hyperspeed. Danny Boyle should know better. God forbid Jobs sat back, had a cup of tea, and reflected for five minutes. Instead, it seemed like he was mainlining Red Bull while downing bottle after bottle of 5-Hour Energy and then washing it all down with Jolt Cola.

Michael Fassbender was terrific as Jobs. Seth Rogen stood his ground as Steve Wozniak. Jeff Daniels is now a veteran of Sorkin-speak and Kate Winslet had the thankless role of his marketing director/handler. Still, she had some good speeches when she wasn’t saying, “Steve, you’re late. Steve, you can’t do that. Steve, let me tie your tie.”

At the end of the day, IF you are a Sorkin fan, you will be entertained. But you won’t learn anything new about Steve Jobs.

To me the essence of Steve Job is that his greatest gift is what ultimately killed him. He had this belief that he could will things into being. Engineers would tell him certain things were impossible, he would say they’re not, and sure enough he was right. The success of Apple is his vision and ability to create reality. That blind faith built a multi-billion dollar business and changed society.

But when he was diagnosed with cancer, instead of treating it medically and vigorously, he let it slide, counting on his ability to control outcomes. Well, this outcome he couldn’t control. To me, that’s a better story – the price of greatness, the irony that his greatest strength proved to be his greatest weakness. None of that was touched on in the movie – which I understand, but I would have been more interested in that story rather than would he and his teenage daughter reconcile?

Oh well. Maybe it’s time for a remake. What’s Ashton Kutcher doing these days?

Does anyone remember THE DREW CAREY SHOW?

Most TV shows are forgotten. They air for a short while, get cancelled, and poof, they're gone forever. In many cases mercifully. Of course, now there are so many shows on so many platforms that some are forgotten even though they’re still on.

A few cancelled shows remain as faint blips on the radar because their creator now has a blog and keeps reminding people of them. (No names because I don’t want to call any of those almost perfect people out.)

But rarely do you have a long-running series that has completely disappeared into the ether. You figure a show that stayed on the air for nine seasons would be in syndication or on a streaming service or the complete series would be available on DVD. BECKER, which deserves way more credit, still pops up on Netflix and is occasionally seen in syndication.

MURPHY BROWN had its day but the topical nature of the humor proved to be its later-life downfall. Still, you can rent one season on Netflix.

But then there’s the case of THE DREW CAREY SHOW. From 1995-2004 this show aired on ABC. It was never a smash. The best it did was finish 13th for a couple of years (which is damn good).  And then the ratings dropped like a stone. It’s last year it finished 150th. (Not sure why ABC kept picking it up, but whatever.)

There’s a couple articles about this in Uproxx.

A lot of the actors have gone on to do other things. Carey is hosting THE PRICE IS RIGHT. Kate Walsh is on GREY’S ANATOMY, Craig Ferguson became a talk show host and is now doing game shows and I don’t know what. And among the writers was the great Sam Simon.

If anything, you’d think the show would still be on the air in Cleveland.

But nope. After an initial limited syndication run, it’s been gone for years. And even then, only five of the nine seasons were shown. Due to music rights, it’s not even on Netflix or another streaming platform. You can only find the DVD of the first season.

I just find it odd that a series that ran for nine full seasons has vanished from the cultural landscape. And it brings up several questions I have for you dear readers: Do you remember THE DREW CAREY SHOW? If not, what is your age? And for those that do remember it, is it something you miss and would like to see again? I’m very curious. For all I know there is mad love for THE DREW CAREY SHOW. Or the distributors are right and no one gives a shit.  You decide.  Thanks.

How did "Lilith" get her name?

Here’s a question that actually came from a Facebook friend. And I’m doing it as a complete post because it’s a CHEERS question I receive a lot so I want to give it the maximum exposure.

David Kruh asked:

Where did you get the name Lilith?

First of all, I didn’t name her. The writing team of Cheri & Bill Steinkellner did – originally just for a teaser. But the character was so funny and she and Frasier were such an interesting couple that Lilith (Bebe Neuwirth) just kept returning and eventually became a series regular.

Cheri Steinkellner was gracious enough to answer the question on Facebook, but I wanted to share it with all of you. So here it is:

Last name first, Billy and I named her Sternin as a pairing for Frasier in honor of our old "Who's The Boss?" writing buddies, Rob Sternin and Prudence Frasier (they went on to co-create "The Nanny").

We wanted a first name to go with it that embodied stern-ness, like a Dickensian or Hodgson-Burnett headmistress in a high-necked blouse and tight bun; (the seed of the character is Frasier's "I can count the comb-marks in your hair" - but that's another story). Back in the 80s, we had to use actual books with paper pages to look stuff like names, and our favorite was written by Leslie Dunkling (whose name we gave to a character in Disney's Teacher's Pet).

"Lilith" was the sternest, least-nonsense, comb-mark-counting-est name we could find. The Biblical badass didn't factor in. It just sounded right to our ears and made us laugh.

I think we’d all agree that Lilith was the PERFECT name. Thanks, Cheri. They went on to write some great episodes of CHEERS and eventually became co-showrunners. Not much after that – Emmys, a few series they created, and a Tony nomination for musical of the year.

Are you ready for some idiotic commercials?

The only time I watch commercials is when I’m watching a live sporting event and am forced to.

So that means Sunday afternoons as I watch NFL football. The commercials, I've discovered, all fall into three or four categories.

The new car commercial. Always a city at night, gleaming skyline, and for some reason the streets and highways are completely deserted except for this one shimmering car. It roars over bridges, barrels through tunnels, and speeds through downtown. Forget a policeman or stoplight, there’s never another car.  Or pedestrian.

The driver is often in a tuxedo. So he’s going to a black tie event the night after the city has been evacuated. He never wonders why a heavy populated urban center is deserted. If I could hop in a new car and be assured police would put up barricades and detain 2,000,000 people allowing me to go from Santa Monica to the Staples Center without stopping once at 7:00 on a Friday night, I would buy that car. Assuming of course that it was always washed and waxed. If I can’t see the lights of the city reflecting off my hood in cool geometric patterns the deal is off.

The subliminal selling point of cars used to be that you’d get women and get laid. Now it’s that you can make a left hand turn at any intersection.

There are still the truck commercials. They haven’t changed. They’re tough. They’re rugged. You can haul redwoods. You can drive through mud.  When am I ever going to haul trees?  I live in a deserted city. 

Crappy franchise junk food is another popular category. Every combination of meat, cheese, bacon, and sauces on every combination of bread, roll, tortilla, or wrap. Burger King is boasting a black bun for Halloween. Um, doesn’t that suggest burnt?

These commercials generally feature some super hot babe eating one of these monster sloppy drippy bacon laced heart attacks, which to me is even less plausible than driving through a deserted Times Square on New Year’s Eve.

Taco Bell is selling healthy alternatives like salads with the slogan “Un-Freshing-Believable.” Uh, “un-fresh?” Doesn’t that sound like the food is anything BUT fresh?  Don Draper let that go through?  It actually makes no difference because the minute they show lettuce on a Taco Bell commercial they’ve lost their audience. Ironically, you never see a Kardashian eating a salad, just a triple-deck Tabasco pulled pork sandwich with pineapple slices and cinnamon-swirl cheddar french toast .

Beer commercials are plentiful and they too have not changed their approach. All are geared to stupid frat boy/man children who love their teams more than their girlfriends, which is easy because none of them have girlfriends.

And for every other commercial, no matter what the product, whether it’s food or life insurance – there’s an NFL player in it. Usually in uniform (because as we all know, football players never go anywhere without their shoulder pads). These commercials are all designed to be humorous. I could throw a touchdown pass in the Super Bowl before one of these guys could deliver a joke. It’s just one clam after another. LeBron James in TRAINWRECK is the Charlie Chaplin of pro athletes.

It’s a great temptation to just DVR the games, but I like the feel of watching a sporting event in real time. I like having the ticker to follow the scores of the other games. And if Ian Eagle is calling the game I don’t want to miss any of his deliciously wicked throwaway lines. But we’re not halfway through the season and already I’m tearing my hair out. I just want to get in my car, floor it, and drive. Unfortunately, there’s stop-and-go traffic on Wilshire at 4:30 on a Sunday.  I hate you, Madison Avenue!