Saying goodbye to GOING GOING GONE

Dennis Pearson, me, David Babich, Troy Metcalf, Annie Abrams, Emyli Gudmundson

This is a love letter to anyone who worked on my play. Or came to see my play (especially yesterday in the rain). 

After extending for two weeks, GOING GOING GONE ended its current run yesterday. It was a truly remarkable experience. We were getting SRO crowds almost every performance. And the only reason that we’re closing, if I’m being honest, is that the new Equity mandate goes into effect on December 14th and suddenly even a hit Equity-waiver show makes no sense financially. (That whole situation is a travesty and may kill small theatre in Los Angeles, but that’s for another post.)

Hopefully I can find more homes for the play, and if possible, I will try to use as many people from this current production as I can get.    After the final performance we had a little wrap party complete with a cake that misspelled GOING GOING GONE. 

There are enough horror stories about the theatre for me to appreciate that I had a charmed experience with GGG. No one had a meltdown, no one was injured in a Spiderman flying apparatus mishap, no one had to be replaced last second because they came down with scurvy or were deported.

Oh yes, we had our little bumps in the road. All live shows do. The night of our first preview the air conditioning went out. Several laughs suffered by people having heat strokes.

The play’s theme is our need to be remembered. At one point I have a discussion on being remembered for something other than your major accomplishment. My example was Arnold Palmer. World-class golfer but will best be remembered for the drink. I had two pages of great Arnold Palmer jokes. On the Sunday night of our tech rehearsal (only days away from opening), Mr. Palmer passed away. I suddenly had to scramble and write a whole new scene. I want to thank George Foreman for staying alive these last few months.

We had one very cool stunt where a foul ball destroyed one of the reporter’s laptop computers. A Rube Goldberg-like contraption was erected so the ball would be released on cue. Happy to say “most” of the time it worked. There were a couple of other minor technical glitches along the way, but hey, live is live.

Basically, everything went swimmingly. Our reviews, for the most part, were raves. There’s one critic who just hates everything I do, but who doesn’t have one of those? At least she’s not a relative.

I walked you through the rehearsal process with a series of posts on this blog so I won’t go into that again. But the hard work paid off. By the third week the actors really locked into their characters and settled into a nice groove. Most of the time they’re all on stage at once. The audience obviously focuses on whoever is talking, but I recently decided to watch the actors who weren’t talking. They were totally into the moment, reacting to what was being said, following the action of the field, doing their work-related tasks. I was as impressed with that as their performances.

I’m always fascinated by a live audience's reaction. Depending on the night, they could be raucous, somewhat subdued, or a mixture of the two. And lines that get big laughs one night get nothing the next while others that didn’t work the previous night go through the roof night two. On some nights certain straight lines get huge laughs. Don’t know why but I’ll take it.

Friday night audiences tended to be less boisterous. I think that’s because it’s the end of the week and they were tired. Saturday nights were usually the best, and Sunday matinees were a wild card. I had the best and worst audiences during Sunday matinees.

For one audience we had a nine-year-old and an eleven-year-old in the first row. Not sure they got all the jokes. I hope they didn’t get all the jokes. We also had some industry folks come and with luck that could mean some work for the actors. I think a couple have already gotten auditions based on casting people or producers seeing them in this play.

I asked the actors how they felt about the play closing. After months of rehearsal and memorization and really growing into their roles, what is it like when a show is over and you no longer get to play that character? Troy Metcalf said there had been shows he absolutely loathed. He hated everything about them. And yet, when they were over he said he was always “Mildly depressed.” So for shows like ours, he said the next few weeks would really be tough. The other actors agreed. Next weekend, when they don’t have our theatre to go to they said they’d really feel it.

Meanwhile, they started striking the set five minutes after the audience left.   Theatre is the ultimate pop up store.  

For me, it’s time to go to work to try to find it another home.

I am completely indebted to my amazing cast – Annie Abrams, Troy Metcalf, David Babich, and Dennis Pearson, along with our voice-over cast of Howard Hoffman, Harry S. Murphy, and Darlene Koldenhoven. My director, Andy Barnicle has now done two plays for me and I hope does every one I write in the future. I’ve said it before, I’m a director and I’d rather have him. Producer Racquel Lehrman put together a terrific team, stage manager Emyli Gudmundson somehow kept everything together, and Lucy Pollak sure got the word out. As all these strangers would fill the theatre every night I kept wondering, “How did these people even know about this?” And a special thanks to playwright extraordinaire, Wendy Graf, for being my LA Theatre Scene guru.

It’s very hard to say goodbye to dedicated, talented, lovely people you got to know and became very close to over a four month period. Hopefully, we can all stay in touch and even better, work together again on another production of GOING GOING GONE.

I was able to record a performance so I have that along with the memories and poster (which is too large to hang anywhere). On to the next production, wherever that may be. If you have a theater, call me.

A blog tradition: My Thanksgiving travel tips

The Thanksgiving holiday is the peak travel weekend of the year (in America. The rest of the world could give a rat’s ass about Thanksgiving.) So as a public service, here again -- and with a few additions -- are some travel tips:

Leave for the airport NOW.

Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price to pay. Plus, the airlines now charge you for check-in luggage AND blankets. Pretty soon pressurized air will also be extra.

Southwest has no reserved seating. Get in one of the latter groups boarding. You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else. Even in the last row.

If you have children under the age of five tell your relatives one has an earache and make everyone come to YOU.

Those people in the Stand-By line – those are the same people who think they can get rich selling Amway products, and the Tooth Fairy really exists. Don’t fly Stand-By unless you like sleeping in airport terminals for five days.

If you rent from Hertz plan on a two hour wait just to get your car. Unless you’re one of their “preferred” customers in which case allow only one hour.

When rental car companies recommend you use premium gasoline put in regular. It’s cheaper, it’ll run just fine, and it’s not your car.


Before you pull off the road to a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, remember their namesake is a rat.

Air travelers: avoid O’Hare. Better to land in Dallas, even if your destination is Chicago.

If you’re dropping someone off at the airport don’t even think you’ll be able to stop. Have your travelers practice the tuck and roll from a moving car. The first couple of times they’ll bounce but by the fourth or fifth try they should have it down.

Watch the DVD of HOSTEL on your laptop. The bigger the screen, the better.

There’s more legroom in Exit rows. When the flight attendants ask if you are willing to help out in case of emergency just say yes. Like it’s going to make a big difference anyway if you crash.

When you’re stuck in St. Louis and all flights are grounded (and trust me, you WILL be), grab lunch at JBucks.

If you’re flying on an airline that doesn’t have reserved seating never sit next to anyone who is already eating or reading Ann Coulter.

Before you fly to New York and have to negotiate JFK just remember – the parade is on TV. And it’s the same friggin' balloons as last year. The only difference is that the stars of NBC’s big new hit from last year, ARE YOU THERE, CHELSEA?, won’t be there (thank God).

Never pay to see an in-flight movie starring Debra Messing.

Put a big strip of duct tape on your luggage so you’ll recognize it easily. And it makes a nice fashion statement.

If you’re flying with small children see if there’s such a thing as “Flintstones Valium”.

In-flight alcoholic beverages are expensive. Better to drink heavily at the airport before boarding.

And finally, watch PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES again and think of it as a “best” case scenario.

Happy trails to you all.

Levine's Laws

I find these laws to be self evident…

There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.

Theatre audiences will always boo an Adam Sandler trailer yet he will keep getting movies.

There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.

A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.

In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from forwarding it to your family.

The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.

Networks will always say they want cutting edge new shows then pick up whatever pilot Sarah Chalke is in.

When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.

The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.

When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage doesn’t last.

The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

The driver in front of you is an idiot.

And of course, my most famous law...

The lead-off walk always comes around to score... unless it doesn't.   (I've never been proven wrong.)

Friday Questions

This is the closing weekend for GOING GOING GONE! It’s been a huge success and I thank everyone who came to see it. Now to your Friday Questions:

RyderDA starts us off:

Do you think it would be possible to resurrect something like THE DICK VAN DYKE show -- an incredibly funny and very successful sitcom from ~50 years ago -- on an "almost" word for word basis? Many -- not all -- of the stories, jokes and dialog are timeless.

No. Interestingly, I had a conversation with Bill Persky, one of the showrunners of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW on just this very subject.

We both agreed that times and society has changed so dramatically that the show would have to be totally re-imagined.

Laura and Rob would no longer sleep in separate beds for one thing. But housewife Laura getting a job was frowned upon in the MAD MEN early ‘60s.  Today she absolutely would have a life outside of the home. 

There would have to be diversity in the writers’ room. Sally Rogers’ end game might not be to find any decent guy to marry.

The ALAN BRADY SHOW that they wrote for would have to change. There are no more comic-hosted primetime variety shows. So what do they write? A late night show like Fallon or THE DAILY SHOW? Or a sitom?

I agree that many of the themes of the original DICK VAN DYKE SHOW are timeless and universal. And that’s one of the reasons why it still resonates today. But it’s also dated. 50+ years is a long time.

From AJ Thomas:

There was a TON of hype for NBC's THIS IS US. All of the reviews said the show was great, and quite possibly the best thing to ever grace the airwaves. Now, I don't know how many episodes were screened, but I can only imagine it being 1 or 2. Do you really think it is that possible for a show to be that good off of one episode?

Sure. It’s possible, but not always done. Plenty of examples can be cited: THE SOPRANOS pilot was extraordinary. So was the pilot for MAD MEN, THE GOOD WIFE, WEST WING, and ER. Hard to find better sitcom pilots than CHEERS, FRASIER, THE GOLDEN GIRLS, and MODERN FAMILY.

But most series do require time to find their groove and develop. You don’t always hit a home run the first time you swing. But however you arrive at a long-running series, it’s the end that counts.

k2001 asks:

One weird Friday question....I have noticed that MASH incorporates a lot of scenes of people driving in jeeps...there's a lot of scenes with people riding/driving in jeeps..long shots...close ups...no dialogue..no real reason...I was curious if that was padding for time...

No, not at all. If anything we were always too long. But we needed those shots to establish geography and also to give the show a little production value.

Remember, at the time, MASH was pretty much the only sitcom that was not filmed in front of a studio audience. So showing the scope of our show was just one more plus. Every other show was stuck in a living room. 

And finally, a question from an Anonymous source. Please leave a name.

I remember Peter Boyle doing a magnificent range of characters (a partial list- A Brando -Wild One, Human Fly circus character reminiscent of old Lancaster Hecht flics, and then Western hero at end) in "Steelyard Blues' and I never see this on reruns. ( Donald Sutherland Jane Fonda headliners )

Why do some films just disappear while others that are not as good seem to be on a constant play list?
What other obscure films would you recommend?

A lot depends on which company or studio owned them and who is distributing them. Lots of films from independent companies now long out of business are either just collecting dust or are part of distribution companies that either aren’t selling them or don’t even know they own them.  

When I hosted that Neil Simon festival on TCM I wanted them to show HEARTBREAK KID. They had to dig it up, and they told me that was the first time they had aired that movie. They didn’t even know about it until I mentioned it.

Some obscure movies I love: Peter Boyle starred in one called JOE. There’s a real fun comedy from the late ‘70s called BETWEEN THE LINES. The movie version of A THOUSAND CLOWNS is wonderful. Does GOODBYE COLUMBUS still air? If so, check that out. Also THE LAST SEDUCTION, DINER, THE STUNT MAN, RED ROCK WEST, MIDNIGHT RUN, and the twenty others I can’t think of right now but you should seek them out today anyway.

What is your Friday Question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks.

Daytime filler TV

During the baseball playoffs, once we finally found FS1 (up near the Korean channel), we were bombarded with ads for the Skip Bayless-Shannon Sharpe show, yet another talking-heads sports debate smackathon. The daytime hours are filled with them. So-called experts analyzing the crap out of everything from LeBron James’ bathroom habits to Tom Brady’s dexterity assembling Ikea furniture. In an attempt to make the debate good television the participants generally scream at each other, taunt each other, and act like Raider fans.

A thousand hours a week are devoted on these various cable shows to which backup quarterback the Dallas Cowboys should call on first. They’re still arguing over last year’s NBA Finals. They almost get into fist fights over whether Corey Kluber should throw a slider on a 2-1 count.

It’s madness. And mind-numbing. And complete bullshit. These “experts” are wrong more often than they’re right. And even when they’re right, who cares? The instrument has not been devised that can measure my indifference over Ohio State’s road schedule.

And yet these ads proclaim these shows on FS1 (and ESPN) as must-see TV. There are 276 of these daytime cable sports talk shows. On a recent Monday (where they had the previous weekend of NFL to analyze along with that night’s MNF game, the baseball playoffs, and previewing the start of the NBA season) 269 of these shows were beaten in the ratings by GUNSMOKE on TV LAND. What does that tell you?

GUNSMOKE (a fifty-year-old Western) averaged 676,000 viewers. ESPN’s “First Take” drew 312,000 and FS1’s Skip Bayless’ show attracted a paltry 131,000. GUNSMOKE outranked the both of them combined.  America is skipping Bayless. 

Yes, I’m sure the sports smackdowns drew more younger viewers, but how many considering such low overall totals? And how much are these cable networks paying to produce these live shows and lock up these hosts while TV LAND probably shelled out pocket change for GUNSMOKE.

So the next time Fox airs an ad saying FS1 is the number one cable network (where the fuck do they get that?) and Skip Bayless is a major star, just remember, Matt Dillon is kicking his ass. THAT’S the Dallas Cowboy Skip needs to worry about.

My conspiracy theory

Why does every one hour drama now have to have a lurking conspiracy? It’s not enough that people pop into a Time Machine and hurdle through dimensions? There has to be the suggestion that some nefarious organization is pulling the strings?

Every show that has a government agency (even a made up one) now must have moles or is really a tool for some Ernst Blowfeld.

Good guys might actually be bad guys or maybe even really bad guys who belong to a secret organization intent on wreaking havoc or at least holding up traffic.

ORPHAN BLACK got so twisted in conspiracies and agendas that I eventually gave up.

This trend has gotten so out of hand that on a recent series space ants were plotting some conspiracy. We were asked to really wonder what ants were really up to.

When the X-FILES established a “don’t trust anybody” template it felt fresh. But that was twenty years ago. The idea of keeping the audience guessing was fun – for awhile.

But now every show does it. Every agent is a double or triple agent. Everyone who works for an organization with initials really works for an organization with different initials.

What they don’t realize is that the audience is numb to it all now. Writers might think it’s super cool to introduce all these diabolical clandestine conspiracies, but news flash – we no longer give a shit.

We’re no longer shocked that the Mr. Rogers character is a terrorist, or the PTA mom is buying that new dishwasher by sending secrets to North Korea. (Any organization with initials…) We don’t gasp at these shocking reveals; we yawn. “The big twist that everyone will be talking about” – no one will be talking about it.

Stop trying to fool us, surprise us, turn your show into THE USUAL SUSPECTS. It’s now a cliché. Putting real people into compelling situations and watching them struggle against the elements and themselves to overcome real problems might actually be enough to hold our attention. Try it. If nothing else, it’s different.

American comedy vs. British comedy

A very interesting perspective on the difference between British comedy and American comedy from the always-wonderful Stephen Fry.

What do you think?

Although his take is a vast generalization, I think there’s a lot of truth to it. Especially the last part. American actors, by and large, don’t like really playing seriously flawed, damaged characters. He uses FRIENDS as an example. All of their flaws are cute flaws, quirky flaws, amusing flaws. They’re not major fuck ups. British comics are happy to play hopeless losers.

But here’s the key. Here’s what they understand. It’s all about comic dignity. These British misfits will go to any length to preserve their dignity, to try to fool the world into thinking they’re not colossal fuck-ups, and comic dignity is one of the great tropes of comedy.

No one wants to be embarrassed, no one wants to look like a fool, so people will go to extraordinary lengths to preserve their dignity. To me, that’s what makes Oliver Hardy so consistently hysterical.

My all-time favorite moment in BREAKING BAD (SPOILER ALERT if you haven’t seen it), is when Gus has half his face blown off, staggers into the hall, and of all things, adjusts his tie before dying. THAT was comic BRILLIANCE.

So there is a difference, but it behooves the smart American comedy writers and actors to study the British model and see what they can learn from them. Not that they invented these tropes, but they sure do them to perfection.

Thanks!

Thanks to all of you who responded to my request yesterday and checked in.   It was very heartening hearing from you.   I had no idea I had so many Canadian readers.  Or readers named "Jeff."   I greatly appreciate your feedback and support and for now will keep things as is.   And I have some ideas for new things for next year.  Stay tuned.  

Thanks again.  And for those who haven't yet checked in, please feel free to join the party.

My eleventh anniversary

This month will make it eleven years since I started this blog.   I've tried to maintain a new post a day (except for last week although some of you noted that technically it was a post) for all eleven years. 

I'll be honest with you, last week was very tough.  As blog moderator I blocked a lot of your comments (besides the usual idiot trolls who I just delete and don't even read).  Considering the emotional state you knew I was in, I didn't need gloating, I didn't need ugliness, I didn't need to be told to just suck it up.  We all go through shit in our lives and for the most part I spare you mine. That's not what you log on for and I get that.  You want to be entertained, you want my dubious advice, you want anything to distract you from work.  Thus I keep churning out the posts even when I'm dealing with the crap we call life. 

So when one time I announce that I'm really wrecked and people write in saying stop whining and go back to funny posts I get very cranky. 

There were several points last week when I seriously thought, "Fuck this!  What do I need this grief for? I'll just shut the blog down, walk away, and pick it back up again if and when I feel like it."   I decided ultimately not to do that, but I'm sort of at a crossroads here.

What I always do for these annual anniversary posts is ask you to take charge.  I'd love to know who is out there and why you're here?  Especially now.  So if I may, in the comments section could you please tell me who you are, where you're from, how old you are (you can round it off), how you found the blog, how long you've been reading it, how often you read it, and what you like and don't like about it?   You can be honest.  I know a lot of you don't like baseball posts but every so often I do them anyway.  And you'll notice I've done very few AMERICAN IDOL recaps lately.  But this feedback has helped me shape the content of the blog as I've tried to provide you with more of what you prefer.   This year it's going to help me decide how to go forward. 

So thanks in advance.  And thanks for being a part of a great eleven year run. 

Looking for diversions?

Tired of hearing post-election coverage?  Want to take a break and listen to something else for the next few hours or four years?  If you want to travel back to a simpler time when we hated President Johnson and President Nixon (but LOVED the music), check out  RichBroRadio.com. Best oldies station on the net.  Lots of songs you remember but haven't heard in ages. 

And for a more recent vintage of oldies, an irreverent station that really cooks, may I suggest GreatBigRadio.com?

My playbill

Only two more weekends for my play, GOING GOING GONE currently running at the Hudson Theatre in Hollywood. Happy to say we’re completely sold out again this weekend.  Next weekend is the last of this engagement. 

So people are asking what’s next for it? I don’t really have an answer. I’m exploring possibilities (if you have a theater gimme a call), but obviously I’d love the play to go to Broadway. 

The trouble is, if I list that I am primarily a TV writer in my bio for the PLAYBILL it’s like putting a big target on my chest for New York theatre critics. So I thought I’d fudge, tailor it a tad for the Broadway theatre crowd. What do you think of this?

Ken is the adopted son of Stephen Sondheim. His godfather was Bob Fosse who he met while walking Gwen Verdon’s dog. He spent his formative years building the sets for LES MISERABLES. A Peace Corps stint followed where for two years he introduced the Broadway musical to poverty stricken villages throughout Cambodia.

Ken returned to New York where he walked Carol Channing’s husband. He became somewhat of a play doctor, coming in uncredited to save A CHORUS LINE, PROOF, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE (originally titled: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH WEEZY). WHOSE AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?, AVENUE Q., AIN’T MISBEHAVIN’ (additional dialogue), GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS (talking Mamet out of the dance numbers), and THE ODD COUPLE (originally titled: TWO AND A HALF MEN).

An experimental work of his own played three nights in Chicago and four nights in Cleveland. It was called the 2016 WORLD SERIES.

He has never seen a television show, watched a movie, or read any book not written by John Simon or Frank Rich.

Because I just wanted to post something funny

This is a re-post from six years ago.  After this past surreal week I just wanted to post something funny.   No redeemable content whatsoever.  So I dug up one of my favorite humor pieces from the past -- my review of the 2010 AVN Awards Show.  These are the porn industry's equivalent of the Oscars. And believe it or not, they were aired on SHOWTIME. 

WARNING and SPOILER ALERT: What follows contains graphic language, sexual content, and winners of many major categories like “Best Anal."   In other words, I'm not taking the high road today.  I'm just doing whatever it takes to get some laughs.  I can't speak for you, but I NEED them today.  So journey back to 2010.  And by the way, everything I report here -- every quote, every movie title, every award category is transcribed verbatim.   And THAT'S what makes it funny.  
Is there anything more deliciously absurd than the AVN awards Juxtapose class and elegance with the porn industry and you have the most hilarious television event of the year!

The evening started gloriously with the red carpet show. Co-hosted by porn queens selected more for the way they hold the microphone versus what they say into it, Jessica Drake and Jesse Jane got the stars to really open up (as it were). We learned that Bree Olson got her screaming green gown at a wedding store in Indianapolis for two hundred bucks (Sarah Jessica Parker -- take note for next year's Oscars). We learned that female porn stars prefer working with Evan Stone because “He likes to have sex with women.”

Another popular male star among his thesps was Eric Everhard. Do you think Eric is his real name?

Also co-hosting was Dave Navarro, a guy who looked shockingly like the devil and left visible slime trails when he walked on the red carpet . In interviewing the “Burning Angel Crew”—four hard-looking tatted trollops in Army Surplus prom dresses – Davie paid them the ultimate compliment, “Damaged little tattoo girls are the hottest thing”.

One starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.

Kristin Price was asked about her gown and said, “I got this at ‘I can’t pronounce it’.”

Sasha Grey, who also doubled as the “fashion expert” (an honor bestowed upon her because her gown didn’t look slept in) asked Tori Black what she was wearing and Tori answered, “A dress”. I guess when you wear one so rarely it’s a big deal. I guess when you wear anything so rarely it’s a big deal.

Pictured right are "fashion expert" Sasha Grey and Lucifer.

Dave Attel hosted the show, which is a desperate career call for help. And worse, Margaret Cho was a presenter. Not even a co-host; it was her, a male star, and a transsexual giving out some group sex award. And I thought it was sad when Margaret had that bad sitcom on ABC.

Kagney Linn Karter won Best New Starlet. Considering the lifespan of a porn career she could also win a Lifetime Achievement award at the same ceremony.

Sasha Grey was the big winner of the evening. "Best Anal" AND "Best Oral", thus displaying her versatility as an artist. Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”

Porn princess McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews. SHOWTIME went to no expense to produce this extravaganza. Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”

I'm not making any of this up. Honest.

Later, when Sasha won for "Best Anal" she proudly announced she never uses Vicodin.

Performing anal is not easy we learned from one of the presenters. It “requires the ability to abstain from food 24 hours before the scene.” Maybe that’s why anal isn’t for everybody.

There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??

I did pretty well in the office pool this year. ASS WORSHIP 11 was money for me! I shouldn’t have bet on JON & KATE FUCK 8 but I did win with ANAL CAVITY 6. By the way, what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY 1-5??

Sunny Leone (pictured right) was the best dressed. Is there such a thing as a mini-formal? Her gown was so short you would know whether she had a Brazilian. That said, it was very tasteful. And it fit her great, although she did admit she had to double-tape her tits. Sam Rubin never gets that kind of great information out of the stars.

I love who gets thanked during AVN acceptance speeches. One platinum bimbo said, “Thanks to all the guys who DP’d me.” A male star saluted the fans. “You watch my movies. You jerk off…” A girl-on-girl winner, Tori Black to her co-star Lexi Belle: “Thank you for licking my box so nicely.” Tori went on to win another award and said, “I’d like to thank everybody who let me fuck them over the last couple of years.” When has Meryl Streep ever delivered an acceptance speech that poignant?

Several awards were not shown on television. So just to get you up to speed… “Best Specialty Release, Other Genre” – ASSES OF FACE DESTRUCTION 5, “Best Squirting Release” – SQUIRT GANGBANG 4, and “Clever Title of the Year” – WHO’S NAILIN’ PAYLIN’?,

One of the categories was “Best Anal Release”. Isn’t that maybe the worst name for an award ever??

But my favorite moment of the night came during the “Best Actor” award. One of the presenters said this (word for word): “There’s a thing called acting chops, which is different from fucking. True acting is when a man can blow his entire load all over a woman’s face and still remember his lines.”

Poetry. Sheer poetry.

Friday Questions

Friday Question Day, Veterans Day, and the second-to-the-last weekend for GOING GOING GONE at the Hudson Theatre. The show has been selling out every night. Come join the fun.

And now to your FQ’s:

Adam Chase gets us started.

I've been watching the new NBC show Timeless. The male lead is very attractive and I said to my wife, "they will come up with a reason to get him shirtless very soon." And in the second episode it happened. My question is how is the decision made to put actors in situations where they are shirtless or in a bra and panties? Is there pressure from the network, producers, writers who really want to see the female lead in a bra and panties?

I actually think there’s more pressure to dress provocatively on premium cable channels than broadcast networks. Shows like CALIFORNICATION and even GAME OF THRONES (at the beginning) almost had a mandate to flash a lot of skin.

Personally, I’ve never received a network request to have an actor take off a shirt or an actress dress more suggestively. But I work in comedy. My guess is it doesn’t happen very often (even on Fox).  In dramas however, investigations always seem to lead to strip bars.  Or maybe that's just a coincidence. 

Had I received such a network request I would have refused it. Sorry, but I’m not the guy to go down to the stage and tell an actress we need to see more of her boobs.

Ironically, the few times I’ve done shows where actors take off their shirts, it’s the actors themselves who suggested it.

Stephen Marks asks:

I'm to hung over to look this up but wasn't Joe Buck the name of the Jon Voight character in Midnight Cowboy, or am I wrong?

No, you are right. Joe Buck (the sportscaster) was born (and named) one month before MIDNIGHT COWBOY opened. Now if Anthony Rizzo’s parents had named him Ratzo….

From opimus:

MeTv is running promos with Jamie Farr.He said the episode" Movie Night" was adlibbed but, IMBD lists multiple writers. How much adlibbing went on?

None, with all due respect to Jamie, whom I love. Even on the famous episode, THE INTERVIEW there was no ad libbing. Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds “interviewed” the cast members and they ad libbed their answers. Then Larry went back, and shaped their responses, adding jokes, rephrasing, cutting, etc. and produced an actual script. When the episode was filmed, the cast performed the script to the letter.

Louis Burklow asks:

Ken, how did the partnership survive your time as a baseball announcer? I believe David and you were still a team during those years, right? If so, did you only write together during the offseason? If not, how did you work it when he was in L.A. and you were in Syracuse, Baltimore, Seattle, San Diego, etc.?

Most of the time, David and I would split up a script assignment. He would write one act in LA and I’d write the other on the road. Then we put them together, talked on the phone, and did a draft together. David would also come visit me at my various baseball homes and we generally would knock out a script.

But fortunately, the TV production season begins in late summer so I was able to be back for most of it.

When I was calling games for San Diego, things were really easy, which is why I took that job. Jerry Coleman, their Hall-of-Fame lead announcer was doing the CBS Radio game of the week and the Padres needed someone to work weekends. Larry Lucchino, the president of the Padres had been the president of the Orioles when I was calling their games. He remembered and liked me and out of the blue I got a call from San Diego.

So I would either drive down to San Diego for the weekend or hop a plane Friday night for wherever the Padres were on the road.

I did that for three years and would have done it forever, but CBS lost the radio rights to ESPN so Jerry was back full-time and my services were no longer needed.

Two of those years were the most productive and INSANE of my career. In addition to calling Padres games, my series, ALMOST PERFECT got picked up so I was showrunning, writing, and directing that. Plus, I had sold a spec screenplay and was doing rewrites during weekends in hotel rooms.

The most insane weekend was this: I was directing an episode of ALMOST PERFECT that week. Our production schedule was Wednesday-Tuesday. We shot in front of a studio audience on Tuesday night. So Friday I’m on the stage all day rehearsing with the actors, go back to the room and lead the rewrite until 9:00 when I have to race over to LAX. I take the redeye to Pittsburgh, all the while preparing for my weekend broadcasts. Catch a little sleep in Pittsburgh, work on the movie, go to the ballpark to announce the game on Saturday night.

Sunday morning I had the production office Fed Ex the latest version of the ALMOST PERFECT script to the hotel (today -- one click and it's there). I call the Sunday game, hop on the team charter, and head back to San Diego. During the flight I carefully work out my camera blocking for AP and rewrite another scene of my movie. Once we land, I race over to a commuter airline and take the first flight to Los Angeles. Monday morning I’m back on the stage with the camera crew assigning the shots.


Yes, I was crazy. 

HAPPY VETERANS’ DAY. We owe you all a great debt we can never repay.

How do you write funny when you're distraught?

I imagine there a lot of people still in utter shock. They’re at work or school but just going through the motions, walking zombies. Whatever your task it must be very difficult. Suddenly work-related projects that felt so important two days ago are now viewed as almost inconsequential. Imagine you’re a comedy writer churning out a weekly sitcom.

The question is always asked: “How can you be funny when you’re distraught or grieving?”

And the answer is: you just do.

Now I’m sure sitcom staffs are not turning out their most inspired stuff today. But I bet they’re all in session. They’re not just paying you because you’re a good comedy writer; they’re paying you because you can create on demand.

There’s no waiting for the muse to touch you. Scripts have to be fixed NOW. Story problems have to be solved NOW. Scenes need to be way funnier NOW.

To be able to do that requires a certain skill set. It’s one you learn over time, motivated more by fear than artistic passion. But the good ones learn it. There are times it’s crazy. David Isaacs and I had to pitch a pilot to CBS the day after 9-11 (and we sold it).

How each writer goes about learning that skill set depends on who they are and their temperament. For me, strangely enough, I find it somewhat easy.

When I was a kid, one of the things I thought I might want to do when I grow up was be a cartoonist. As a pre-teen I drew my own elaborate comic books, and when I was 16 I got a comic strip in the weekly Woodland Hills newspaper. I made $5.00 a week. I was eventually let go for budgetary reasons. But I flirted with the idea of having a nationally syndicated comic strip. I discarded the notion because of the pressure. I would have to come up with seven jokes a WEEK. Now I laugh, of course, because as a comedy writer I have to come up with seven jokes in five minutes. But at the time that seemed enormous.

But drawing proved to be my salvation. The weekend John F. Kennedy was killed was one of unspeakable national tragedy and sadness. The entire country stopped. For three days everyone stayed glued to their televisions. Every channel had it. The independents worked out arrangements with networks so every station on the dial carried either CBS, NBC, or ABC. I was 13 at the time.

Monday was the funeral. And I had had enough. I went to my room, shut the door (to drown out the set in the living room), played my rockin’ 45 records (radio stations were still all tragedy all the time) and drew a comic book. It saved my sanity. And I learned something about myself.

Writing during periods of despair is not a burden; it’s an escape. At least for me. For a while I can shut out the real world and enter the fantasy world I am creating. I can put my emotions on the shelf and concentrate on the characters’. In this bubble I can even write funny.

For me, having a writing project in times like these is like having a life raft. Thank goodness I have a new play that I’m working on. That’s how I got through yesterday, and once this post is written, today. Is it denial? Burying my head in the sand? Reverting to childhood? I don’t care. It’s who I am and what I do. Whatever your process with dealing with grief, I hope you have an outlet too.

No post today

For the first time in eleven years I am not posting anything today.  I am too stunned, terrified, appalled, and furious.   I never thought the day would come when I would be ashamed to be an American. Perhaps tomorrow I will be back posting.  In times of extreme crisis we need our diversions.  And laughter.   But today, this moment, I find nothing funny, nothing hopeful.  Nothing more to say. 

The most important thing I will EVER ask of you

Vote today for Hillary Clinton.  Donald Trump MUST BE STOPPED.

I don’t do a lot of politics in this blog. It’s primarily an entertainment-based destination. And that’s fine. You can find politics on a hundred million other blogs and websites. Whenever I do occasionally introduce a political topic I always get a flurry of outraged commenters who swear they will never visit my site again. That’s fine. I don’t have advertising. I don’t have to show Coca Cola or Sprint that my audience is rising. If I lose readers because I feel passionate about something and they don’t agree, and they’re not paying for the privilege of this content, then be on your way and I wish you well. Ironically, most of the people who swear they will never read me again are back in two weeks as if nothing happened.

But today I’m getting political. Because this is not just a matter of blog traffic, or ideology. It’s life and death. Today we face maybe the greatest single threat in the history of the United States. And perhaps the future annihilation of our planet. You think I’m exaggerating? I am not.

Donald Trump is a dangerous man and is not qualified to be the President of the United States. He’s uninformed, reckless, a sociopath, a horrible human being, and all the things he’s promising you he will not deliver. In fact, he thinks you are morons for even believing him. And in that, I will agree with him.

This is the man you want controlling nuclear weapons?  His aides don't feel he's responsible enough to have his Twitter account. This is the man you want at the helm during major international crises? It’s just terrifying. Yes, I’m a Democrat, and I’ve had this blog for eleven years. You never saw me write a post like this about Mitt Romney, or John McCain, or even George Bush. But this is different. This is life-threatening.

Think of it this way: Let’s say you’re going to take your family, friends, everyone you love in your life on a plane flight. Would you trust the safety of your loved ones to someone who’s never flown a plane, says he knows more about flying than anyone, and only wants the job because it’ll make him look good? Would you be comfortable at 35,000 feet during a lightening storm with Donald Trump at the controls? Fuck no.  You'd all die horrible deaths.  This is the same thing. He will recklessly send your children off to war, he will rule with fear and ignorance and self-interest, and he may even escalate world tensions to where the unthinkable will happen. Most of us are too young to know first hand, but atom bombs have been dropped on civilians and have killed thousands. That threat is REAL.


So you may think we need a “change,” or you may believe the bullshit FBI email brouhaha (which, big surprise, proved to be FALSE), and you may find it refreshing to have a politician who “speaks his mind.” But we’re talking about the lives of your loved ones and YOU. This is serious shit, people.

You may think Hillary Clinton is not an exciting alternative.  So what?  You're not electing the next host of the Oscars.  But she’s super qualified, she’s super experienced, and she cares about the principles of this country and YOUR welfare. If you’re a Trump supporter she cares more about your damn welfare than even you do.

We must keep Donald Trump out of the White House. And to do that, each and everyone of us MUST get out and vote for Hillary Clinton today.  Don't sit it out because you're a Bernie supporter.  Don't sit it out because the polls are favorable and it's an inconvenience.  Don't do something stupid like wasting your vote on someone else who has no chance.   This is not the time to make a statement of protest.   This is the time to overwhelmingly defeat Donald Trump.   Voting for Hillary Clinton is the ONLY way to do that. 

It floors me that ANYONE can still be undecided at this late date. Jesus. The man is a racist, feels it’s okay to grab women by the pussy because he’s famous, is facing huge lawsuits for fraudulent practices, refuses to disclose his income tax, is in bed with Russia, knows nothing of foreign affairs,  went bankrupt numerous times, doesn't pay his workers, has threatened to throw his opponent in jail like dictators do, has a tax plan that will only benefit the rich, hasn’t paid income taxes in almost twenty years, will repeal Wade v. Roe, came off like a buffoon in every debate against a knowledgeable opponent, refuses to accept the results of the election, is supported by the KKK, calls prisoners-of-war "losers," can be baited by MODERN FAMILY writers, the current President (who has enormously popularity) feels he’s grossly unqualified, and his own party has all but disowned him. What the fuck is there to decide?

If Hillary does a lousy job as president you boot her out in four years. If she does a lousy job I’ll be leading the charge. But if Trump does a lousy job as president there may not even be a country in four years.

Look, you and I have been friends for eleven years. We have shared a lot of laughs and hopefully I have enriched your life even a little with my stories and advice. I’ve never charged for it. I’ve never really asked you for anything. Now I am. It’s that important to me. It’s that CRUCIAL to me. I beg you with all my heart and soul, vote today for Hillary Clinton.

Thank you.

THIS IS... not okay

THIS IS US did an episode recently where the Kevin character, who stars in a fictional lightweight sitcom, has a complete meltdown on the stage. He wants to be taken seriously as an “actor.”

Not sure if producers want the audience to admire him for his stance or dislike him for his misbehavior.

But my daughter, Annie, who has worked on sitcoms, had another take. And independently, I had the same reaction.

When a star of a television show has a tantrum and possibly shuts down a series he is costing over a hundred people their jobs. Suddenly, his “integrity” and need to be respected as an artist goes right out the window.

Most of those hundred people make way less money than the Kevins of the world. They have families to support, jobs are not that easy to come by, there's rarely stability, and they work extremely hard for zero recognition.

When we worked with Michael Douglas on the JEWEL OF THE NILE rewrite he had a great expression. He said, he as the lead had to take “responsibility as the star.” It was his job to set the tone on the set. And his job to recognize that hundreds of people depended upon him.

It is not a responsibility to be taken lightly. Peoples’ lives and livelihoods hang in the balance.

After the first season of ALMOST PERFECT, my fellow co-creators, David Isaacs and Robin Schiff, were called to New York to meet with Les Moonves. He wanted us to get rid of the boyfriend. This is a decision we vehemently opposed. The center of the show was the relationship between Nancy Travis and her boyfriend. Without that we pretty much had nothing. We could have stood up in the meeting and said, “Well, that’s not the show we signed on to do” and left. ALMOST PERFECT surely would have been cancelled and we would have been spared killing ourselves in season two trying to find clever entertaining stories.

But we had a staff and a crew, and it would have been totally irresponsible for us to just abandon them for the sake of our so-called “artistic integrity.”   Sometimes Hollywood is hard. 

THIS IS US is just a TV show (a very popular one) and what the ramifications are of Kevin’s blow up are up to the producers. I’m sure they’re laying out a string of behaviors to help define all of the characters over time.

But from an insider, more important than preserving the integrity of fictional characters on TV shows are taking care of the people who make them.

Comedy writers can be bad ass

In the summer of 1990 I was broadcasting for the Tidewater Tides, the AAA affiliate of the New York Mets. It was a Sunday afternoon game and I had to read a commercial for the Day’s Inn at Military Circle – “Home to the visiting teams of the International League”. I noted that our dreaded rivals, the Columbus Clippers (Yankees ) were coming to town next and said, “Why don’t you call them all at 5 a.m. and welcome them to Tidewater.” Now you have to bear in mind that no one listened to minor league radio broadcasts other than players’ wives.

Or so I thought.

The next afternoon I arrived at the park only to learn that the Clippers had been besieged with pre dawn wake up calls. Needless to say they were pissed.

I guiltily went down to their clubhouse and apologized to their manager, Rick Down. He was very gracious, said he had heard it on the air and thought it was pretty funny. He also felt this would stir up the team, I might have done him a favor. (It did. They won that night. So now I had pissed off both teams.) But Rick was very forgiving.

The Clippers’ trainer however, was not. He went ballistic when he saw me, calling me words that were too harsh even for DEADWOOD. And he vowed to get back at me when we were in Columbus the following weekend.

I calmly asked if he ever watched CHEERS. He said, “Yeah, why?” wondering why that was relevant to anything. I then asked if he ever caught some of the bar wars episodes between Cheers and Gary’s Old Towne tavern? Again, he said, “Yeah. So what?” “Well, I wrote those shows, motherfucker, “ I said, “Do you really want to get into a practical joke war with me?”

That was the last I heard of the trainer.

The moral is clear.

Do NOT fuck with comedy writers! EVER!

We may appear harmless but we can fill your office with sheep just for looking at us funny.

Louis C.K. weighs in on the election

I couldn't have said any better myself.

Friday Questions

Friday means two things now. FQ’s and another weekend of my play, GOING GOING GONE at the Hudson Theatre. Come see it. The laughs are on me.

Cat starts us off:

Ken, I've been able to spot Warren Littlefield sitting at the bar in the final season of Cheers, but I haven't been able to spot you!

I’m in the last Bar Wars episode sitting at the bar hitting on one of the other CHEERS writers.

YEKIMI asks:

While watching an episode of Johnny Carson on Antenna TV, Woody Harrelson was on and talking about a couple of plays he was in and had written. Pretty funny actually, he plastered a playbill on the front of Johnny's desk, had a T-shirt on with the name of the plays on it and had the plays spelled out in tape on the bottom of his shoes which showed when he crossed his legs. So......Did you ever see the play he wrote? 

Did you ever discuss playwriting with him or did he come to you for advice or did you ask him for advice? 

Did that give you the inspiration to write your plays or was it something in the back of your mind that you were thinking about doing anyways one day? Or was this just "The world be damned, I'm doing this on my own!" moment?

Honestly, I had no idea Woody ever wrote plays. Or wrote anything. That’s all news to me, which is weird because you’d think he’d let everybody on the set know so we could all go and support him. But with Woody, ANYTHING is possible. 

He never discussed writing with any of us. He was very respectful of the writing of CHEERS (as were all the actors, God love 'em).

I got into playwrighting because I’ve always loved the theatre, and enjoyed all those years of writing multi-camera shows where I got the benefit of hearing live audiences react. As a comedy writer, the ultimate high for me is hearing people laugh. So playwrighting was a natural.

Also, no network notes.

From John Fox:

The original Leave It to Beaver series broke a lot of new ground for sitcoms - first to have a finale, prioritizing story over simply going for the laugh - things that were later evident in M*A*S*H, among others. Did that have anything to do with your choice of Beaver Cleaver as your "boss jock" stage name?

No. Not at all. At the time I took the name (1974) disc jockeys all had interchangeable generic names. Johnny Mitchell. Bill Williams. Tom Stevens.

I was looking for a name that would instantly stand out and be remembered.

Also, I was able to use the name to do shameless double entendres – none of which I’m proud of today.

Thomas Mossman queries:

In mentioning your love of A Confederacy of Dunces, it brought to my mind the multiple efforts to bring the book to the big screen. Why do you suppose no ones been able to do it, Steven Soderburgh's suggestion of "bad mojo" aside?

My partner, David Isaacs and I even tried to get the rights ourselves to try adapting the book. We were unsuccessful. You talk about red tape – yikes. But ultimately I think we dodged a bullet.

The text is so voluminous and so much of the humor is the lead’s character’s inner thoughts and how they conflict with the reality he’s encountering.  Just to dramatize the story doesn’t do the book justice.

There have been numerous attempts. I think I’ve read no less than five CONFEDERACY screenplays (including the one Soderburgh oversaw). All felt flat and empty.

Another major problem is finding an actor who can play the lead, Ignatius J. Reilly. It’s not easy to play fat and disgusting and still lovable and sympathetic. Our original idea was John Belushi (which tells you how long ago it was when we were interested in the project).

Recently, there was a stage play adaptation starring Nick Offerman from PARKS & REC that played in Boston. The reviews were positive to mixed. But I would sure be curious to see it. And if they pull it off I tip my hunter’s hat with two earflaps.

What’s your Friday Question?

My thoughts on the World Series

Well, first of all, THAT is why baseball is the greatest game EVER. There are so many variables, so much strategy, and so much pressure to succeed in a sport where even the best fail 70% of the time. Athletes have to be versatile. They have to hit a baseball (which many say is the hardest thing to do in sports) and also field your position or pitch (unless you’re a Designated Hitter. And then you have to stay out of the clubhouse fridge during the game).

And then in the post-season, the tension gets ratcheted up another level. You don’t have 162 games to make your mark, you have seven. Or five. And Bill Murray comes to every game. (I wonder how many Cubs-Diamondbacks games he attended this year.)

Unlike with other sports, momentum for a series can change drastically from game to game depending on the starting pitcher. You could score ten runs one game then be shut out the next. Tom Brady is going to throw his touchdown passes on a pretty consistent basis (regardless of how much air is in the ball).

So I point that out to all the people who think baseball is just dull. It’s not (most of the time).

I was thrilled that the Cubs won. I only wish Harry Caray and Ron Santo were there to see it. I got to know Harry when I was doing play-by-play for the Padres. Proud to say I once peed next to him in the Wrigley Field press bathroom.

Harry Caray story:  Whenever I would go on the road I always brought a transistor radio and listened with an earpiece to the other team’s broadcast during the innings I wasn’t on. I picked up a lot of great nuggets, which is a nice way of saying I stole information from the other broadcasters. But we were in Chicago playing the Cubs. The visiting radio booth at Wrigley is very small. I was wedged into the front row along with my partner, Ted Leitner. Ted is on the air and I’m listening to Harry in the next booth.

There’s a fly ball to the Cubs centerfielder, Brian McRae. Harry says on the air, “Fly ball to center and Carmen McRae makes the catch.” I bust out laughing. But there’s nowhere I can go. Ted is glaring at me. I’m in a fetal position under the desk. I just couldn’t help myself. I must’ve laughed for ten minutes. When I finally told Ted he laughed for five.

Theo Epstein secured his spot in the Hall of Fame last night. Breaking the longtime Red Sox curse and now the longer-time Cubs curse? Welcome to Cooperstown. The Mariners should hire him now. They’ve never been to the World Series even once.

But before you anoint Theo as the undisputed genius of baseball, he also paid a fortune for Jason Heyward, the biggest bust in the game.

For my money, the MVP of the series was John Smoltz. A-Rod's analysis was also very good. Pete Rose is the Bud Melman of Fox sports.

Did the Cubs deserve to be World Champions? They had to beat two Cy Youwng winners – Clayton Kershaw and Corey Kluber.  They had to come back from a three game deficit.  They had to walk a mile from their bus to the Progressive Field clubhouse.  You bet they deserved to win.

They’re probably still partying at Wrigleyville (even if you read this on Saturday).

How not to celebrate in Chicago: In 1959 when the White Sox won the pennant, Mayor Daly sounded the Civil Defense alarm (the world’s loudest party noisemaker). But this was during the heat of the Cold War and there was mass hysteria as Chicagoians thought they were being attacked by nuclear missiles.

I think managers today over-manage the shit out of these games. It’s absurd that starting pitchers now only go five or six innings. In 1965 when the Dodgers beat the Twins in Game Seven of the World Series, Sandy Koufax only had one pitch working, was pitching on two-days rest, was on fumes, and hurled a complete game. That’s what starters DID. It kills me to hear announcers fawn all over a guy for only giving up two runs in five innings. “He was brilliant tonight.”

The end result is that both managers overworked their bullpens and paid the price. There's only so much you can whip those horses. 

Aroldis Chapman gave up the two-run homer to Davis to tie the game in the eighth, but was the pitcher of record when the Cubs scored so he was the winning pitcher. In baseball we say he “vultured” that win. (Although, credit where credit is due, he did go back out and pitch a scoreless 9th).

When the TV guys mentioned that Chapman had been suspended earlier in the season for Domestic Abuse (and I’m sure he was thrilled that Joe mentioned that) I was glad they didn't follow up by saying “So he’s a little more rested than the rest of the staff.” 

Wasn't it nice to see baseball on a channel we could all get? 

It’s hard to really root when you have laryngitis.

Does David Ross know how to make an exit, or what? To answer your next question: I checked and I don’t think he’s Jewish.

It's always a "Ross", isn't it?  David Ross.  Cody Ross. 

Home field disadvantage:  The home team won only two of the seven games.  

Nice to see Bonnie Hunt. I thought she was in the witness protection program.

Like I said on Twitter, I can’t root for any Ohio team with Trump leading in their polls. Sorry Indian fans. Otherwise, I love everything about your team and ballpark.  And you have a great announcer in Tom Hamilton. 

Did you take advantage of your free taco?

This will be the highest rated World Series in years. I’m sure it obliterated all late night competition. Seth Meyers, James Corden, THE GOLDEN GIRLS – all were left in the dust.  Stephen Colbert probably finished way behind the rain delay. 

I would let Steve Bartman ride in the parade. And I fully expect to see Ferris Bueller in there singing “Twist & Shout” on a float.

Not a great umpiring crew. Sam Holbrook was missing calls all night. And when you see how many calls are overturned during challenges you have to wonder how different the results of other World Series would have been had they had In-Game Reviews. I know Cardinal fans since despise Don Denkinger.

Last night was pretty much a “must win” game.   And yet, I hear idiot announcers say that in June. 

Nice touch showing that old Harry Caray Budweiser commercial after the game.

Happy for Pat Hughes who has been a world champion Cubs announcer even when they were in last place (which was often).

My son, Matt, is a great baseball fan and what a treat for this classic game to fall on his birthday. Cub fans will remember your birthday forever.

I’m always a little depressed at the end of the World Series because it means no more baseball. But for folks in LA, you can still get your fix by going to my play, GOING GOING GONE at the Hudson Theatre until November 20th. (Wasn't that shameless?)  This weekend (like last weekend) is completely sold out, but some tickets remain for the last two weekends. Come on out. You’ll laugh a lot more than at anything Pete Rose said during this series. Here’s where you go. Thanks.

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs and their fans.    And a tip of the cap to the Cleveland Indians and their fans who are not voting for Trump. 

Happy Birthday, Matt

Happy Birthday to my son, Matt.  Big year.  He became a father, and his team at Apple just unveiled the new 13" MacBook Pro.   Love you, kid.

-- your proud father

Now to today's regularly scheduled post. 

Back when radio was fun...

Terrestrial radio is doing everything it can to kill their industry. All syndicated shows, eighteen minutes of commercials an hour (or more), informercials on the weekend, everything on the cheap.

Podcasts are growing. Yes, they don’t have the reach of terrestrial radio – YET. But they will.

And a big reason? They’re communicating. They are hosted by people who are talking right to you. Listening to a few of these podcasts, I'm reminded of something else that was great and now abandoned by terrestrial radio.

The live-read.

The live-read is a commercial but read aloud by the show host or (back in the day) the disc jockey. It’s not produced. If there are commercials in podcasts they’re usually live-reads. Who has the time, money, and studio facilities to produce spots when the host can just read the copy?

And here’s what great about live copy: If the host can goof around a little with the copy and make it entertaining the commercial suddenly becomes programming. What’s the biggest gripe listeners have about radio? Too many commercials. Live-reads can turn a negative into a positive.

New York listeners of a certain age certainly remember Dan Ingram on WABC. Or the Real Don Steele in Los Angeles on KHJ. They always managed to slip in some irreverent quip or gentle dig that made the live-read commercial hilarious. When you can program a radio station where listeners look forward to the commercials you are really doing something.  Today I can only think of Howard Stern who still sometimes gets to read live spots.  

And ad libbing around live copy doesn’t have to be funny. People are mesmerized by a good salesman. Again, I have to go back to another era (since no one today is doing it) to Paul Harvey and Arthur Godfrey. Hey, even I wanted to buy a tractor when Paul Harvey was selling them.

It’s a win-win for all concerned. The listener is entertained, and the sponsor gets more recognition.

So why doesn’t terrestrial radio do this anymore? Two reasons: It means they have to employ actual live announcers, and secondly, they don’t give a shit if their programming is better or the sponsor is happier or the ratings go up. They just care about making as much money as they can – until they go bankrupt… which is coming and soon. But by then, more people will be listening to podcasts so whatever.

National announcers do not hate your favorite team.

Vin Scully, as impartial an announcer as you’d ever find, covered major national sporting events for both NBC and CBS. He once told me for every letter he received claiming he hated a fan’s local team there was another from a fan of the opposing team accusing him of the same thing. Al Michaels has said something similar.

Here’s the truth: National announcers don’t hate your local team. They have no vendettas. They carry no billy goats.

Joe Buck, is currently in the hot seat calling the World Series. I think he has haters from every professional sports franchise, even rugby teams in New Zealand. In San Francisco recently a pub printed a shirt: “Hey, Joe. Go Buck Yourself.” Good sport that he is, Joe signed the shirt.

But you don’t get to that level of national broadcaster without displaying extreme professionalism. You have an obligation to serve fans of all teams along with people who don’t give a shit either way.

Hometown announcers can be more partial and in some cases they’re ridiculous. “Phil Rizzuto was doing a Yankees postgame show when his broadcast was interrupted with a bulletin that Pope John Paul I died. Phil went back on the air and said, “Wow, news like that can spoil even a Yankees win.”

But even local announcers tend to be at least fair. They have to be if they want to preserve any credibility.  Hawk Harrelson of the White Sox even once said something nice about an opponent.  I think it was in 1993. 

Back in the ‘50s and ‘60s the lead announcer from each team participating in that year’s World Series got to call the games on NBC. It was really a treat – the only time we’d get a chance to hear other teams’ mouthpieces.

Even big homers like Harry Caray (St. Louis) and Bob Prince (Pittsburgh) toned down their cheering during the Fall Classic. They were on the air coast-to-coast. They realized they had to be more neutral.

And something else to consider. National announcers have directors talking into their ears the entire game, steering them towards topics. Joe might hear “We’re putting up a graphic on how many errors the Cubs have made this postseason.” So Joe has to discuss that on the air. And some Cubs fans will then think he’s got it out for their beloved team.

You can’t win.

So Joe Buck or Jim Nantz or Mike Breen or Sean McDonough or Doc Emrick does not hate your team.

Here’s what they do hate:

Bad games. Blowouts. Lopsided affairs. Garbage time. Rain delays.  When you’re calling a 10-2 game in the third inning you can almost hear America click off your broadcast. And then it’s just dragging a dead horse across the finish line to shoot it.

Announcers root for exciting games. Nail biters. Extraordinary feats. High emotional drama. A great storyline. Thrilling come-from-behind charges. Records being challenged. Sudden death. Decent eyelines from the booth.

If they’re calling a “Best-of” series they’re rooting for it to go down to the final game. So tonight, in the back of his mind, Joe might be hoping the Cubs win, but only so there will be a game seven. But more than that, he’s rooting for game six to be one for the ages no matter who wins.

If anyone roots for one team over another it’s the networks. Look, Fox is THRILLED the Cubs are in the World Series. They haven’t won since 1908. Fox is enjoying the best WS ratings since 2004 – when the Boston Red Sox won for the first time in like a hundred years. Networks want big market teams with national fan bases. The Cubs, Yankees, Dodgers, Red Sox, Cardinals. Joe Buck may not hate the Giants but Fox sure did when they played the Cubs in the NLDS. For Fox the ultimate nightmare might be Houston vs. San Diego. Or Tampa Bay vs. Arizona.

One of the most exciting World Series in the last twenty years was 2002 – the Angels vs. the Giants. No one watched. Two west coast teams. America yawned, despite the thrilling games themselves. Don’t you think ABC would rather the Celtics and Lakers in the NBA Finals rather than Oklahoma City or San Antonio?  Don't you think CBS would prefer a Super Bowl of Dallas vs. New England? 

Networks also root hard for series going six or seven games. They lose money on four-game sweeps.

So for tonight (and maybe tomorrow), if you want to hear an announcer more on the side of your team, listen to the radio broadcasts of Pat Hughes for the Cubs and Tom Hamilton for the Indians.  (You can get them on the MLB At Bat app and also Sirius/XM.)  Both are exceptional play-by-play men. And more than that, both are very fair. You know where their allegiance lies, but when Cubs’ pitcher Aroldis Chapman forgot to cover first base Sunday night, which resulted in a single, Pat and analyst Ron Coomer called Chapman out for the bonehead play it was. You won’t see any “Hey Pat, Screw Hughes” T-shirts in any Chicago pub.