Black & Blue Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Hollywood and you know what that means – plastic surgery season!

Yes, it’s the time of year when stars or anyone over 28 can sneak off for a couple of weeks and get that face lift, tummy tuck, botox treatment, and boob job they’ve needed since October. Instead of Aspen or joining me in Hawaii they can spend the holidays locked away looking like raccoons or Mickey Rourke after a fight.

They need to be ready because in January the awards season begins!! A standard rule of thumb: an actress’ skin must be pulled tighter than the red carpet. What they don’t understand is that viewers don’t say, “Wow, she looks amazing!”, they say, “Wow, she looks like Barry Manilow.”

Lip enhancements are still the rage (as anyone who watches REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS knows). Here’s Meg Ryan. AMERICAN PSYCHO producer Clifford Streit said it looked like she installed a vagina on her face. Later, they actually did that operation on an episode NIP/TUCK. Meg would be so thrilled to know she's a trend setter.

There is a high rise hotel adjacent to Beverly Hills that reserves two floors exclusively for celebrities hiding out while recovering from their transformation to the Joker. Can you imagine how many poor room service guys are traumatized for life? “Here’s your club sandwich Ms Cox…AAAAA!!!”

It’s not just women of course who go in for these procedures. Here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. And have you noticed that every local news anchor is starting to look like Warren Beatty, including the women?

One celebrity who doesn’t buy into this nonsense is MODERN FAMILY'S Julie Bowen (pictured right). And despite being somewhat flat-chested, she’s found you don’t need a boob job to be provocative while at an awards ceremony.

But the astounding thing is that it’s not just stars who flock to the knife and suction hoses. In L.A. a large number of elective surgery patients are…are you ready?…real estate agents.

That’s right. You’ve got to look young and glamorous if you possibly hope to move that tear-down in Mar Vista. Why is the housing market in Los Angeles so screwed up? Because there are now 5,000 Liza Minnellis running around with real estate licenses! No wonder everyone makes fun of us!

In the rest of the world Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?” But here in the land of perpetual beauty, endless award shows, and a tight housing market Santa asks, “What don’t you like about yourself?”

The Dick Van Dyke Show in color

Tomorrow night CBS will show two colorized episodes of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.  Both are spectacular episodes, written by Bill Persky & Sam Denoff.   VanityFair.com posted a great article about the show, and even quoted me.  If you any interest in the show, it's well worth a read.   You can find it here.   I'll be curious as to your thoughts on the colorized episodes when you see them tomorrow night.   8:00 PM on CBS.  

Friday Questions

Take a break from Christmas shopping to check out this week's Friday Questions.

Boomska316 starts us off:

Has there ever been a show, successful or not, about what goes on in a writer's room? Or about the making of a sitcom? It seems like an idea that would've been tried or at least thought of before.

There was the short-lived JACKIE THOMAS SHOW in late 1992 that ended in early 1993. Tom Arnold starred as an obnoxious TV star and the show centered on his writing staff.

At the time, Arnold was married to Roseanne and a lot of the stories were supposedly taken from real life occurrences from her writing staff. But knowing how Roseanne really treated her staff, I imagine the stories were more fiction than non.

By the way, some great people were on that show including Michael Boatman, Maryedith Burrell, and now-director Paul Feig.

Update:  And I guess it doesn't go without saying, but THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. 

From cadavra:

Do you think the reason the broadcast networks are almost completely overlooked by the Emmys and other awards is because the talent is trying to get some sort of revenge for the nets' micromanaging shows to the point that any life and originality have been sandblasted away?

By talent I’m assuming you mean actors and writer/producers?

I wouldn’t say revenge is the motivating factor. Creative people just gravitate to where they are most appreciated. For years networks still had a stranglehold because they offered a much larger potential audience. But even that isn’t the case any longer.

Actors tend to prefer non-network situations because they’re not obligated to crank out as many episodes.  It's less of a commitment.  You might make 13 episodes over an eighteen month period for Netflix whereas you’d have to produce 22 episodes over a seven month stretch for a hit network show.

But the real reason movie stars are now doing television?  They're getting stupid money for doing these series. That’s a way bigger incentive than revenge.

Liggie asks:

Is the Los Angeles economy *that* dependent on the entertainment industry? I've heard LA described as a "company town", but I know a number of financial services giabts are based there, as well as some major manufacturing and aerospace firms. I can't imagine the area going belly-up if the studios picked up stakes and moved to another state.

Oh no? See what happens to the local economy anytime there’s an industry strike. When there’s a major work stoppage, like when SAG went out, it had a major ripple effect on stores, markets, tourism, restaurants; even coffee houses.

Of course entertainment is not the only industry in Southern California, but it’s a pivotal one.

And finally, from David P:

So, a baseball related Friday question: If you had a ballot, who would you vote for in the HoF this year?

Edgar Martinez, Ivan Rodriguez, Trevor Hoffman, and Vladimir Guerrero.

I’d never vote for Manny Ramirez, Roger Clemens, or Barry Bonds.

What’s your Friday Question?

Hooray! Bill King is in the Hall of Fame

So thrilled that Bill King was just selected to enter the broadcasting wing of the baseball Hall of Fame. It is a well-deserved honor. Only wish it wasn’t posthumous. He died in 2005 after being a mainstay in the Northern California sports scene. He broadcast for the A’s and Giants, also was the Voice of the Raiders and the Warriors.

King was maybe the most articulate play-by-play man in the business. His use of vocabulary and descriptive terms were extraordinary. And it seemed effortless. He always had just the right word, just the right adjective right there at his fingertips.  At some point he must've swallowed a dictionary.

He also could call an exciting play in a way that was positively electrifying. I know he received this honor for baseball, but for money Bill King was the best radio football announcer of all-time. That’s right. ALL-TIME. His Raider calls were thrilling. Here’s just one example:



Bill King was truly an original. He sported a beard and with deep-set eyes and looked like the devil. But a sweeter, kinder, more generous man you’d never find. I’m honored to say he was one of my mentors. When I was learning to broadcast baseball he critiqued several of my tapes. I learned a lot from him. And I’m sure I’m just one of many.

He was also very eccentric. He lived on a houseboat in Sausalito. He only drove beat up used cars. When one would conk out he’d just buy another. He was a history buff and an opera buff. When he did television sports he wore a suit jacket, tie, and (out of camera range) shorts and flip-flops.

Bay Area sports fans have long cherished Bill King. So glad that the baseball world has finally recognized his contribution as well.

Ken Korach, who was Bill’s partner and is now the Voice of the A’s, wrote a terrific and loving book about Bill. I recommend it for anyone interested in reading about a larger-than-life personality and a time in professional sports when personalities, not generic-sounding interchangeable robots, were valued. Congratulations to Bill King. Only wish he were around to give the acceptance speech.  I'm sure it would be so eloquent you wouldn't think it was a sportscaster.  

Remember Pearl Harbor

For many it’s getting harder to do. 1941 was a long time ago. Even before MY time, if you can believe it.

And it doesn’t help that Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor movie was such a trainwreck it’s not like anyone has any reason to see it.

Do they even still teach it in high school?   

For me, Pearl Harbor Day is especially poignant because I’m currently in Hawaii. It’s not just a memory to the Hawaiian people who are still around – it changed their world.

Clearly this was one of the darkest days in our country’s history. On the other hand, it rallied the country and led the way to some of our most shining hours.

I take some comfort in that since I feel our nation is being tested yet again. My hope is that, as in times of darkness before, we will prevail and even triumph.

But for today, I want to just remember Pearl Harbor, the brave men who fought for our freedom and brave women who contributed so much at home. You’ve been called the Greatest Generation. My sincere wish is that we can live up to your example.

Mahalo.

Going to the theater with Jackie Kennedy

With the Jackie Kennedy movie out this Oscar (I mean “holiday”) season, I am reminded of the time she and I went to the theater together.

Okay, pick yourself off the floor.

We didn’t go together in the sense of “arrive” together, but we did sit together.

You’re still not buying it, but it’s true.

Backstory: Larry Gelbart had a play on Broadway called SLY FOX. (Needless to say it was hilarious.) My wife and I were in New York and Larry arranged for us to have his house seats.

We sit down, third row center, settle in and I glance to my left. Holy shit! It’s Jackie.  In the seat right next to me. 

During intermission I decide to get up and go to the lobby. As I pass by her I rub up against her knees (which were bony by the way).  Okay, that was a dorky thing to do, but that was my brush with greatness.

The next day I called Larry and thanked him for the tickets. I mentioned that Jackie O. sat right next to me. He got very excited. “Did she laugh? What did she laugh at?” I said, “Yes, and hey, you never asked whether my wife and I liked the show.” He apologized, asked us, then wondered if I could remember any specific lines Jackie laughed at.

I’d like to say that’s my favorite Jackie/theater story, but it’s not. Supposedly she was at a theater and bumped into Stephen Sondheim. She asked what he was working on. He had to really hedge. How do you tell Jackie Kennedy you’re working on a musical called ASSASSINS?

From what I hear, the movie JACKIE is supposed to be great and Natalie Portman is amazing in it. I’m sure I’ll see it (although probably not in Maui). I’m curious as to whether they got the bony knees thing right.

THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN(WRECK) -- my review

I was reading the current copy of WRITTEN BY (the WGA’s monthly magazine) and something caught my attention. It was an article about Erin Cressida Wilson, the screenwriter of THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN.

One of the film’s producers was discussing the evolution of the book becoming a movie. There was studio interest even before the novel was released. Now I suspect this was the author of the article speaking, not a quote from the producer.  But in talking about Dreamworks snatching up the project this was the explanation:

Like everyone else in Hollywood at the time, the studio was seeking the next GONE GIRL, another female-driven mystery told by an unreliable narrator.

Wow. Talk about reducing art to formula.

And that, friends and neighbors, is how Hollywood thinks. Reducing someone's narrative to a silly logline. Another female-driven mystery told by an unreliable narrator.

Really? THAT’S what you got out of it?

“Let’s see a movie tonight. What are you in the mood for, honey?” 
 “I dunno. Something with an unreliable female narrator.” 
 “You’re in luck!”

And as they say, “Imitation is the sincerest form of Hollywood.”

The end result, in the case of THE GIRL ON A TRAIN, was a movie you’ve already seen thirty times. It wants to be BASIC INSTINCT, it wants to be BODY HEAT, it sure wants to be GONE GIRL.  It's none of them. 

I hadn’t read the book but halfway through the movie I completely figured out the mystery. What I didn’t figure was how utterly absurd the climax would be.

Emily Blunt, a wonderful actress, basically plays one-note the entire film. The rest of the cast was... in the movie. The story was disjointed, bouncing around in time, but that was a choice to stay true to the book. Every ten minutes I was questioning another logic point. It was one of those movies where characters did things because the writer needed them to, not because they organically decided to. The pace was slow and the erotic scenes felt programmed.

Hollywood needs to make movies based on original ideas and great stories regardless of whether it’s male or female driven, and whether the narrator is unreliable or not.

Notes on giving notes

Getting notes is rarely fun. But as all TV and screenwriters know, it’s part of the gig. And more often than not, the notes are coming from authority figures who have no creative instincts or are just clueless in general. Again, not all executives fit into this category. Some are terrific and their input results in a much better script. But for the most part, you’re getting notes from people out of their league. And it’s not that they’re not bright or wonderful people; they’re just not qualified for this task. It’s as if I had to give notes on choreography. “Do we like her when she kicks in that direction?” “I feel there’s too much hopping.” Seriously, what the fuck do I know?

That’s not much different from getting script notes from former business affairs veeps, former lawyers, or 2010 graduates from Smith.

The best notes are the ones seeking clarification. “I didn’t understand this?” “Why is she mad?” If you’re having trouble tracking the story then I haven’t done my job. I will always address those notes.

The second best notes are the ones that are SPECIFIC. If a concern is pinpointed, I can respond to it. Either I can do the note or not, but at least I know what the note is.

There was a longtime executive at a major broadcast network who was notorious for giving the most obtuse notes imaginable. These are two actual notes that I have received from him.

1. (He holds his hand in the air) “Your script is here.” (He raises the level of his hand) “I’d like it to be here.”   Huh????
2. “You’ve given me the meat the vegetables. But it needs more candy.”

How the hell do you write that? You spend half your rewrite just trying to decipher what to do? Have we raised it to this level? Or merely this level? Have we put in too much candy? Have we spoiled the meal? What is candy?

A Supreme Court Justice, I believe, coined the worst note ever. Justice Potter Stewart in 1964 ruled that Obscenity is not covered under the First Amendment. When asked the obvious question, “So what exactly is Obscenity?” he replied:

I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["hard-core pornography"]; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it,

I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT.

Talk about shooting at a moving target. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve received this note. And it’s totally useless. I’m not a mind reader, and even if I were, what good would it do me if you don’t have a thought in your head?

Obviously, you can’t always articulate what your problem is or exactly what you’re looking for. And it’s my job as a writer to provide fresh ideas, surprise you once in awhile. But give me some clues. Give me some parameters. Point to some examples. What was a previous instance and what satisfied you that time? What, do you know for sure, you don’t want?

The answer to I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT is...

THEN YOU’LL SEE IT WHEN I KNOW IT.

Give specific notes!!!  Thank you on behalf of the entire writing community.

This is a re-post from five years ago.

Best album cover EVER

Now this is who I want to see perform on AMERICA'S GOT TALENT.

And to make sure her fingers are properly manicured, what better salon to frequent than this?

Now there are some who claim the album cover is a hoax but I could swear she was playing last night at the Grand Wailea lobby bar. 

Friday Questions

Here are some Friday questions as we roll into December.

sophomorecritic starts us off:

You mostly see yourself as a writer and TV producer. At the same time, you've directed but you seem rather non-chalante about it. How many steps were you away in training and experience from being the kind of director that gets nominated for Oscars and gets recognition for a distinct style. For example, if the same exact production team existed but you were substituted in for Danny Boyle, Sophia Coppolla or Martin Scorsese, do you think you could have directed Lost in Translation, The Departed or Slumdog Millionaire and got close to the same result?

Are you kidding? Have you ever seen one of my CONRAD BLOOMS?? Those guys are HACKS!!

But seriously, no. They are all extraordinary directors. I couldn't hold Scorsese's viewfinder.

I will say this, though, from a technical standpoint: Although I have shot single-camera scenes, most of the time I direct multi-camera shows. It's quite tricky camera blocking four cameras all moving at once to capture all the action, all the angles, reactions, masters, and sizes, not to mention having cameras move in anticipation of characters entering the scene. And sometimes you have large scenes. Five or six actors, lots of movement, and only four cameras to cover it all on the fly. It can be very complicated and daunting.

Seasoned veterans in both forms seem to agree a multi-camera director can be taught how to direct single-camera in about a half hour. On the other hand, single camera directors sometimes need months to get the hang of multi-camera. So if Scorsese wanted to do a CONRAD BLOOM I still could whip his sorry ass.

From Matt:

Several of the MASH scripts in my collection contain the Call Sheet and Shooting Schedules. On the shooting schedule, I've noticed under "Cast. & Atmos." an item called "Mini Mash"

Is this a reference to the Stage 9 set?

Yes. We had the entire camp set up on that stage. Once Daylight Savings ended we stopped filming at the Malibu ranch. There was just not enough daylight to accomplish all the scenes we needed to film. In the summer we had 6 AM to 8:15 PM. But in the winter our window was 7 AM to 4:30 PM.

So if exteriors still were needed we shot them on Stage 9. Did it look great? No. Maybe one notch above the Brady Bunch backyard.

Night scenes looked better. Dark is dark.

In planning the season, we held back the episodes that did not require much outdoor shooting and moved forward the ones that did. And that made plotting out the season that much tougher. We might break a great story but have to sit on it while scrambling last second to get the script ready that was going into production the next day.

And finally, from Michael:

Is there a strong correlation between the episodes you wrote that you feel are your strongest and the ones that were nominated for Emmys?

Not necessarily. I do think the scripts that were nominated deserved to be, but there were others that I felt were as good or better that didn’t get any real recognition.

Of all the CHEERS we wrote I feel our best was called “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before”. That was the Frasier bachelor party episode (“Everybody have fun tonight… everybody Wang Chung tonight.”). I’m especially proud of that one because we worked off no outline. As an experiment we wanted to just riff and see where it took us. We knew the broad steps but nothing else. I think it came out great.

There’s a TONY RANDALL SHOW we wrote where Tony runs for office against the old incumbent. During the campaign Tony’s opponent dies and still beats him. It was a very funny show.  And ironically, this exact scenario took place in California during the last election. 

The best FRASIER we ever wrote – “Room Service” (Niles sleeps with Lilith) – never got nominated for anything. There were also a few episodes of ALMOST PERFECT that David and I wrote with Robin Schiff that I felt were nomination worthy.

But generally, unless you write for what we like to call a “tuxedo show”, your chances of getting a nod are slim. That is why we thought our agent was kidding when she said we had been nominated for a WGA award for one of our OPEN ALL NIGHT’S. By the time of the ceremony the show had been cancelled and the production company disbanded. We had to buy our own tickets and find someplace to sit. No, we didn’t win. The Guild wasn’t that crazy.

But I will say this, all the drafts we submitted, whether they were rewarded or not, were at least 90% ours. Lots of shows room-write and just assign credits. Others rewrite scripts extensively and keep the original writer’s name on it even though there’s nothing left of his work. There have been times in our career when teleplays we wrote were rewritten and sometimes even made better. But we never submitted those. So I’m proud to say that the awards we lost, we lost because of us.

What is your Friday Question?

Those little pleasures

Especially now, I’ll take all the pleasures – little or otherwise – that I can get. Here are a few of mine. What are some of yours? 

You’re listening to the radio and a song comes on that you really love and haven’t heard in awhile. Just the first few notes make you smile and you know for the next three or four minutes you’re going to be happy.

You're in a restaurant and get one of those tables at the window with a view.

You upload some computer program and it actually works. (This pleasure, by the way, has never happened to me.)

Same restaurant, you look around and see you have a better table than Beyonce.  

Your kid plays Tree #3 in the school pageant and gives a bravura performance.

You don’t need X-Rays until your next visit to the dentist.

Coke with real sugar. 

You’re trying to find a parking space in a crowded mall and someone pulls out just in front of you.

They honor the Group-On even after the expiration date.

You drink a Coke out of the bottle on a staggeringly hot day.

You get upgraded.

You take your first bite of a food you’ve been craving for weeks. And it tastes as good as you had imagined.

You’re watching reruns of a classic show, you’ve seen every episode ten times, and suddenly one appears that you’ve never seen before.  

You find a cherished toy from your youth at a flea market.

The Tylenol kicks in.

People you don’t even know wish you Happy Birthday on Facebook.

You have time for a nap.

You find a seat on a crowded subway car. And it’s next to someone who bathes.

You get TSA pre-check.

Your printer jams and you actually fix it yourself. Is there a greater sound than a printer resuming its print job?

You order medium rare and it comes out medium rare.

You stumble upon a new TV show you really like. And you set a season pass immediately because you know you’ll never find it again. What is Epix anyway?

You find that favorite cozy sweatshirt you thought your mom/step mom/spouse/lover threw out.  

IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE comes on.

UPS shows up with the package you’ve been waiting for.

The automated kiosk in the parking structure works. That rush of excitement and relief when the wooden arm goes up.

And finally… a new blog post where all the photos are of Natalie Wood.

RIP Grant Tinker

Television has not just lost a giant, it lost its Babe Ruth. Grant Tinker has died at the age of 90. The man who presided over MTM Enterprises in its heyday and then turned NBC into the number one network was 90. No one in the history of television has done more to lift the quality and advance the medium than Grant Tinker. And that’s not even what made him great.

As for those accomplishments: At MTM he was responsible for THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, RHODA, PHYLLIS, HILL STREET BLUES, ST. ELSEWHERE. Taking over NBC, which was mired in last place, he brought the world CHEERS, COSBY, TAXI, FAMILY TIES, GOLDEN GIRLS, MIAMI VICE, HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN, and dozens of other hit shows. Come Emmy time NBC would usually sweep. Compare that to today when broadcast networks are almost shut out at Emmy time.

His famous dictum was: “First be best, then be first.”

And he practiced it. He brought class, sophistication, and humanity to everything he touched.

In the early ‘70s he was married to Mary Tyler Moore. Coming off the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, she had a series commitment from CBS. Grant’s idea was to start an independent production company. MTM Enterprises was born. From there he produced other shows (such as THE BOB NEWHART SHOW) and built the company into a powerhouse.

But for me his greatest achievement was how much of a mensch he was. As a leader he was kind, thoughtful, smart, and treated everyone with respect. His philosophy was to hire the best people (like Allan Burns & James L. Brooks for THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW) and let them do their thing. Instead of injecting his own creative input (i.e. “notes”) he took on the role of protector – standing up for his writers against the networks, shielding them from unwanted interference. There’s no one like that today. Not even close.

MTM was Camelot for writers in the ‘70s. It’s where all TV writers wanted to work. When David Isaacs and I were starting out, MTM was our brass ring.

Happily, the first staff job we were offered was at MTM. It was for THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, produced by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses (who had produced THE BOB NEWHART SHOW). We were hired at such a low level that we didn’t even have a title or on-screen credit. The only time we’d see our names on TV would be when we wrote episodes. But we didn’t care. We were at MTM.

Driving onto the lot that first day was one of the greatest days of my life. And it got better. Later that afternoon we went down to the stage for our first runthrough. Grant Tinker showed up, specifically to see us. He introduced himself, knew our names, welcomed us to MTM, and told us to call if there was anything we needed. Again, we were NOBODIES. Baby writers. We stood there in awe. That he would take the time and make the effort to do that astounds me to this day.

That same level of respect and protection was afforded all of us on CHEERS the first year of that show. Grant was running NBC by then. The ratings were dismal, but he didn’t care. He loved the show, believed in the show, and not only kept it on the air but left us all alone to do it our way. Ironic that his name was Tinker when tinkering was the last thing he ever did.

Whenever I would see him I felt I was in the presence of greatness. And I was always surprised he knew who I was.  Even after our tenth encounter.  This was like "the prettiest girl in school knew my name."   

There was a flap over a joke from an early CHEERS episode that David and I wrote. Some adoption agency took issue with an adoption joke we had written (a pretty funny one actually). The complaint somehow made its way all the way up to Grant. He called us personally to say don’t worry, he’d take care of it. Who does that? I mean, seriously, who does that???

Over the next few days you will read tribute after tribute. If it seems like the industry is praising a saint that’s because (in this one instance) it’s TRUE. Television and popular culture can never repay the debt owed to Grant Tinker. And for those of us lucky enough to work for him, it’s a loss of incalculable measure. He was a visionary, a father-figure, an inspiration, a leader in the true sense of the word, and like I said, a mensch.

He was the best. And he’ll always be first.

The great turkey drop and other memorable radio contests

Back in the heyday of radio, contests were a major part of a station’s programming. Especially when there were two competing rock stations (back in the days when the same company didn’t own every station in town). Some of these contests would wreak havoc in the community. Case in point: Treasure hunts.

The station would announce they’ve hidden a key that opens a vault containing a fortune somewhere in town. Listen to the station for clues. First person to find the key wins. The station would give clues to help you zero in on it.  So people were glued to their radios. 

What would happen unfortunately is that listeners in their zeal would literally dig up the town looking for that damn key. They’d dig up peoples’ backyards, government lawns, private property, public parks.  They'd bust sewer lines, gas lines, would dig up cemeteries.  A few even took jackhammers to streets. These treasure hunters would tear up their cities to win that key. Eventually, the government had to step in and ban these contests.

But there were others. You know the famous WKRP Thanksgiving turkey drop?  (You probably saw it last week during Thanksgiving.)   It was based on a true incident that happened to WQXI in Atlanta.

Many radio contests have gone awry. Back in the ‘60s, KFRC San Francisco was giving away a shiny new car. Their jocks were driving it around town. I think you had to guess the exact mileage, something like that. Anyway, KFRC jock Howard Clark totaled the car at Fisherman's Wharf. Oops.

Also, KFRC: They once had a “Location X” contest. They chose some super obscure town somewhere in the world, had a ten second sound byte of it, and listeners had to identify the town. The winner would receive a trip there. Clues would be given to narrow down the location. This was a fairly standard contest of the time. And by controlling how difficult or easy the clues were, the station could keep the contest going for several weeks.

So KFRC begins this contest at 6:00 one morning. They took contestants once an hour. The person on line either the second or third hour guessed it correctly. She had been to that town, and in the sound byte recognized a certain distinctive church bell. Oops again.

My favorite story involves my grandmother. She and my grandfather were living in Hemet, California, which is out the desert in Southern California. I was staying with them one time in the mid ‘60s, sitting at the kitchen table, listening to KFXM from San Bernardino. Meanwhile, my grandmother was in the kitchen making dinner.

At the time there was a hooded rapist who was terrorizing the “Inland Empire.” The station ran a public address announcement asking people to “help find the hooded rapist.”

My grandmother shook her head and said, “Such a contest!”

I so miss radio. And my grandmother.

MOANA: My review

This may be the only review on the entire internet that pans MOANA. Oh well. At least you know I don’t just follow the pack.

First off – the obligatory disclaimer: I love animated movies. THE INCREDIBLES was exactly that. The TOY STORY series rocked. Hey, I loved THE LITTLE MERMAID and BEAUTY AND THE BEAST. And even ALADDIN (both the Disney version and the one with Mr. Magoo). THE IRON GIANT is not to be missed. And the classic old Disney features are still thrilling even though mothers in those films get killed a lot.

So I went in to MOANA wanting to love it. At worst I thought it would be FROZEN with better weather. MOANA had songs by Lin-Manual Miranda, which alone is worth the price of admission. Hawaii is a favorite location of mine. I’m going there again this week (fair warning to the papayas). And Disney animation is just dazzling.

Happy to say all of that was in the film in abundance. The songs were clever (although not remotely memorable), Hawaii was depicted as lush and tropical and without Hertz Rental Car kiosks, and the animation was painstakingly beautiful.

But the story was just a rehash of every Disney animation trope. Plucky young girl protagonist. Father who doesn’t want her to leave the island. (“Ariel, don’t go to the surface.” “Belle, don’t leave the town.” “FROZEN-girl (I forgot her name), don’t leave the town.”)

Then it’s the adventure, bringing comic animal sidekicks (who do something at the end to save the day), meeting comic cohorts (who come back to aid the heroine and save the day), action sequences, heart-tugging scenes of homesickness, a magic spell, and once it’s lifted, flowers start to bloom where ice/rock/lava used to be. Everyone works through their issues, family breaches are all mended, the town/island/ocean/country is saved.  And anytime the heroine (who always has huge sized eyes) is reluctant or scared to move on to the next story beat there’s a big power ballad that propels her to do so. It’s very formula. “Let it go” already.

The story itself was confusing. Some demigod stole a magic stone, which created a lava monster, and a thousand years later coconuts weren’t growing right on an island so the heroine has to travel across the sea, bring the demigod to some place, and then do something with the magic rock. Huh? And the demigod has to do something too, but I forget what it is.  If I had trouble, I can imagine what the eight-year-olds in the audience were thinking. Along the way there are more rules that get thrown in, and the ending makes no sense whatsoever.

And the movie feels like two hours. Back when Uncle Walt was in charge he understood that 75 minutes was max. If this group was making SNOW WHITE today I’m sure there would be 30 drawfs. I was checking my watch an hour into the film. Even the animation, which is so extraordinary, loses its pizzazz after the seventh angry ocean sequence.

MOANA is making a shit-ton of money, and like I said, every critic has lavished it with praise. So take my review as the lone dissenting voice. Either that or some critics were afraid to say they didn’t like it for fear that they’d be in the minority or they'd no longer get fast passes at Disneyland. Lin-Manual Miranda will probably win an Oscar because (a) this is his year, and (b) what else is there in that category? There’s no Bond movie this year. But at the screening I attended, parents were taking their kids out of the theater throughout the entire film. Warning: There are a number of scenes that might scare the shit out of your little tyke. ( Either that or mom needed to use the bathroom and that was her excuse.)

I realize that most people don’t go to Disney animated movies to follow a great story or marvel in the advancements in the art of animation. They go because of the formulas. It’s reliable. They get songs, cute animals, a courageous heroine who is maybe voting age, pretty images, and it’s 90 fewer minutes parents have to entertain their kids. (I’m sure by the end of Christmas vacation parents will wish the movie were four hours.) But it bothers me that critics are comparing MOANA to the best of Disney. That it is not.

I also worry that when they do the inevitable Broadway stage musical of MOANA people in the first twenty rows are going to get soaked.

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS meets Mad Men

I'm re-posting this because it's always one of my most requested posts. And it's perfect for the upcoming holiday season.  

A holiday tradition is A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS and we pretty much have a Mad Man to thank for it. John Allen was a Don Draper at McCann-Erickson in the mid 60s. On behalf of Coca-Cola he was lobbying for Charlie Brown. It would be the first animated adaptation of Charles M. Schultz’s classic PEANUTS comic strip. But Allen had to really twist arms because in typical fashion, CBS hated it.

They thought the animation was awful, the story too thin and depressing, the jazz score inappropriate for kids, and of course wanted a laugh-track. I'm surprised they didn't require a laugh-track on THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

And CBS was especially opposed to Linus reciting the story of the birth of Christ from the Bible. What the hell is that doing in a Christmas Special?

Oh, and they didn’t like that children were doing the voices of the…uh, children. In other words, all the things that made it distinctive; all the things that made it great. One high-ranking CBS program executive/visionary said it was a “piece of shit”.

And CBS had a lot riding on this. It was going to pre-empt THE MUNSTERS and follow GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. The quality had to be top notch to join that pantheon of excellence.

But John Allen pushed and pushed and finally persuaded the reluctant program chief to air the special. A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS premiered 51 years ago this month.

And got a 50 share.

It won an Emmy and a Peabody and became an instant holiday classic. I guess children doing the voices of children did not result in a viewer revolt.

CBS began running the special every year (taking credit for it of course). And it achieved the almost unheard of feat of getting higher ratings year after year. By 1969 it was scoring a 53 share.

CBS continued to air the special until 2000. ABC then took over. Don't know what channel it's on this year, but I'm sure someone is playing it tonight.  Or you can go on Netflix or Hulu.  I bet it gets a 50 share on Netflix too. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CHARLIE BROWN.

And thanks to John Allen.

Okay, you can start playing Christmas music now

Now that Thanksgiving is over and it's no longer August, it's okay for radio stations to start playing Christmas music.  (As if you've been waiting for my permission.)

There are number of stations that have switched to an All-Christmas music format.  They usually do gangbusters in the ratings.   I believe the trend began with a station or two in Phoenix.  KOST in Los Angeles picked it up and it filled their stockings with cash. 

Personally, I can't listen.  When I was in high school my part-time job was in a record store and of course during the Christmas rush I worked twelve hours a day.  And we played nothing but Christmas music.  I still can't hear Johnny Mathis without having Vietnam flashbacks.

But there are some Christmas songs I do like.  And it's always kind of refreshing to hear them again (SPORADICALLY!).  

I know it's schmaltzy but my favorite is "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters.  Sorry but it gets me every time.   And there's no cover version that even comes close to Karen. 

There's something nostalgic and heart-warming about hearing Nat King Cole's "Christmas Song."  (I love how many of the classic Christmas songs were written by Jews.)

Beyond that, I like a lot of the old early rock Christmas tunes.   The Phil Spector Christmas album (I wonder how he's doing in prison these days), "Little St. Nick" by the Beach Boys, and who doesn't love Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree?"    Of more recent vintage I love Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You."

And when I'm in a more traditional mood, I head right to Linda Eder's Christmas album.   If you're not familiar with her, Linda Eder is a spectacular singer.   Here's an example:

I don't even like that song, but I like her version.

Since I hear the same six Christmas songs over and over on the radio I can't imagine what a 24-hour Christmas music station must sound like.    Whereas news stations have "Traffic on the 4's", do Christmas stations have "Feliz Navidad on the 4's?"  How many times do they play Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" on that format?   Even if you're a fan of those stations, by December 23rd aren't you ready to arbitrarily just punch people?

But like I said, at least we're close to December.   So it doesn't bother me that Christmas music has returned to the airwaves.  It will bother me again however, when they're still being played in April.

the James Bond movie you probably never saw

There's always a cable network that this month shows a James Bond marathon.  Usually six times.  Last year I caught ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE. I don't think I had seen it since it first came out... in 1969. It’s pretty much the forgotten Bond film because it was the only one that starred George Lazenby. He had the misfortune of replacing Sean Connery and for good measure, was not an accomplished actor. He was more of a male model.

At the time he was skewered by the critics and public, and the movie essentially became the Fredo of the series.

But watching it again in retrospect, I have to say it was not that bad. In fact, it was way better than a lot of the later idiotic MOONRAKER and later Bond films. In one, Denise Richards plays a nuclear physicist for Crissakes!

Lazenby was not very good, and it was hard for me to really take him seriously since he looked like a more handsome Soupy Sales, but he sure wasn’t much worse than Timothy Dalton. He tried to have fun with the role, and so what if for one movie James Bond was a little goofy?

But the plot was pretty good. It stayed very true to Ian Fleming’s book and was a lot more realistic than later 007 adventures where he’s on the moon or taking Denise Richards seriously.

Telly Savalas supplied the necessary panache required for a Bond super villain. And also the necessary stupidity to tell Bond his world domination plan and save killing him for later instead of just putting a bullet in his head and going back to stroking his cat.

The Bond Girl was leggy Diana Rigg. And anyone who grew up watching THE AVENGERS in the ‘60s was already madly in love with her.   So this perpetual adolescent was way on board in this most-crucial category. 

The film also featured that great John Barry score with all those familiar kick-ass guitar instrumentals.  (Think about it -- when you go to a James Bond movie you NEVER come in late.  You're ALWAYS there for the beginning and that guitar lick.) 

But the best thing about ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE was that I hadn’t seen it in so long. I’ve probably seen every other Bond movie at least twice. Don’t you notice that when you come across a Bond marathon you always recognize the movie? You don’t always remember which one it is – you go “Oh yeah, the stupid Egypt one” or “the stupid Swiss Chalet” one -- but you watch the action sequence that you’ve seen already nine times. You try not to think how old that Bond girl is today, and you just resign yourself to whoever Bond is at that moment even if it’s not your favorite. (And by the way, although most people claim Sean Connery is their fave, there are a lot of folks who grew up on Roger Moore and prefer his interpretation. I can’t argue with that.) But it was great fun to watch sequences I hadn’t seen in decades. Even though some of the shots were adventures in bad blue screen -- the action, the James Bond theme, and the twenty guys after 007 all in matching uniforms shooting and missing at least 20,000 times (you’d think super villains could afford better marksmen… I mean, how much must those secret hilltop high-tech compounds that commision cost? Explosives alone have to be in the tens of thousands.) it still adds up to a real adrenaline jolt.

And then there’s the ending. I won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen it or read the book, but suffice it to say this movie does not have your typical Bond in a raft with Carey Lowell wrap-up.

So look for the inevitable Bond marathon coming later this month (or this week). Because ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE stars George Lazenby it’s usually buried in the middle of night. But record it. You might be pleasantly surprised. And you can fast-forward through the miles and miles of commercials. Of all the gadgets that Q has invented, nothing comes close to the DVR.

Remembering Florence Henderson

Like everybody, I was so sad to hear that Florence Henderson passed away Thursday.  She was 82.   I didn't really know her personally.  We met briefly one time at Dodger Stadium when she sang the National Anthem.  (She was a terrific singer.  Did you know that before Carol Brady she was a big Broadway musical star?)   We shared the same birthday and I think that's what we talked about in our two minute conversation.  So I can't give any real first-person account.

However, my daughter Annie and her writing partner, Jon Emerson, wrote an episode of INSTANT MOM (starring Tia Mowry) in which Ms. Henderson was a guest star.  They got to spend the day with her.  I asked Jon if he would share their recollection with her and he graciously wrote this post for the blog.   As you'll see, it's a terrific profile of a special woman.  Thanks, Jon.

Jon is right above her, Annie to her left

Writing the Mother's Day episode of a show called Instant Mom comes with a lot of network pressure. We pitched a story and were told “more.” We dutifully added more and were again told “more.” We added dancing, too many balloons, a mud fight, and thirty-five hundred other bits and gags. “More.”

We pitched having Florence Henderson show up and never heard from them again.

The episode centered on Stephanie's (Tia Mowry) first Mother's Day with her new family. Stephanie is crushed when the kids ignore her, only to realize that she forgot her own mother, Maggie (Sheryl Lee Ralph). She hastily takes Maggie for a spa day, but ruins the whole thing by moping about being ignored. Maggie suggests that the kids ignored Stephanie because they have a “real” mother, prompting a huge fight. Stephanie starts to fear if there's any truth to that. Is being a stepmom somehow less valid than being a “real” mom?

It's a fairly heady premise, so we needed a fun way for Stephanie to work through her concerns. We thought, “What if she went into the sauna and Carol Brady was there to tell her off?” That quickly ballooned to having the sauna filled with classic sitcom mothers, many of which we were lucky enough to book. But Florence Henderson was always the top of our list.

We knew Florence Henderson for about four hours. She was modest, kind, sharp, and had a mouth to make David Mamet blanche. She came into the scene cold and nailed every joke. She was even nice to the writers.

Reading tributes written by people who really knew her only confirms what we felt at the time: if you met Florence Henderson, you met Florence Henderson. No pretense, no ego, no playing up to a character that will be indelibly linked with her name. Carol Brady wishes she could be her.

The mothers in the sauna ended up being Florence Henderson, Marion Ross, Jackée, Meredith Baxter, and Tempest Bledsoe (makes sense in the scene).

A few takes in, Florence and Marion started to get punchy. (When the show reached out to see if they'd be willing to do the episode, they each agreed on the condition that we call the other to come do it too. Let that melt your heart for a moment.)

Here now is our favorite memory of working on Instant Mom, transcribed from an outtake we asked to have burned on a DVD. A DVD we will now have bronzed. The first line was from the script. Florence takes it from there.

MARION ROSS: Once you do that, everybody knows you’ve jumped the shark.

FLORENCE HENDERSON: Jump the shark? What does that mean?

MARION: They wanted me to say “fuck the shark” but I said no.

FLORENCE: Because everybody in Hollywood’s already fucked the shark.

MARION: You’re going to be sorry when that’s on YouTube.

FLORENCE: I couldn’t care less... So, Tempest, what was Bill Cosby really like?

However you imagined Florence Henderson, she was more.

Thanks again to Jonathan Emerson for that marvelous profile.  

Friday Questions

Black Friday Questions really, which are actually leftovers but spruced up.

Joseph Scarbrough has a question about anthologies.

If networks aren't willing to do anthology series because it cost too much to have new sets and new actors come in all the time... then, how is that any different from having new sets and actors on a regular weekly series? Like say if the main characters find themselves in a new diner, or at a hotel, or at a distant relative's house, and then all the guest actors? Isn't that kind of the same?

People generally tune into shows because they are familiar with and enjoy the characters. They like the continuity. Anthologies introduce new main characters each week.  So it's essentially a pilot a week.  And although there are swing sets (sets used only once) there are also primary sets that are used every week. These offset the cost of the new ones.

Plus, studios all have warehouses of sets. So a café you see on CSI can be dressed up differently and used on BONES.   They don't have to build them all from scratch.

But there are hybrids.   TIMELESS this season for one.  Same characters in different locations and periods of time.  QUANTUM LEAP was another.  In the ‘60s you had a couple of great ones like THE FUGITIVE and ROUTE 66. These had main stars who traveled to different towns each week and encountered Mickey Rooney or Yvonne Craig. But you watched because you cared about those series stars. (Only I watched because of Yvonne Craig.)

Mitchell Hundred asks:

As a writer/showrunner, how can you tell when a show has run its course?

When someone in the room suggests the talent show episode and you don’t automatically fire him.

Seriously though, for me, it's when the characters cease to surprise me. When there’s nothing any of them could say or do that I couldn’t predict in my sleep, then it’s time to go.

Well, actually, that’s when you negotiate a huge raise from the network and end the series a year later.

Freebie and The Bean (which was a fun movie from the ‘70s) wonders:

Do you think "marathon" showings of reruns help promote a show's popularity and ultimately its longevity?

Absolutely. A great example is WINGS. It was doing okay on NBC but when the USA network picked it up and aired it nineteen hours a day the ratings on NBC went way up. Same is true with LAW & ORDER and now NCIS.

Of course you have to have enough episodes to make this equation work. Hence, I don’t think we'll be able to resurrect BIG WAVE DAVE’S by showing the six episodes over and over again eleven times a day. Not that it isn’t worth a try.

And finally, from Chris:

Some shows (Seinfeld, Married...with Children, Night Court) ended every episode with the audience clapping whether there was a punchline there or not? How do you feel about doing that? It kind of makes it feel more like a live play.

I hate it because it’s very self-congratulatory. If something happens in the body of a show that results in a spontaneous round of applause then fine. But I hate applause at the end of a show and I hate applause when characters first enter. On my shows I always have the warm-up guy introduce the cast to the studio audience before the show. And I also have him introduce any notable guest stars unless their entrance is a big intended surprise. I furthermore dislike when characters comment on each other’s lines. “That’s hilarious!” “What a brilliant solution!”, etc. Ugh!  It's a pet peeve but I hate when shows toot their own horn.

What's your Friday Question?

Aretha Franklin is really Bleeding Gums Murphy

One of the bits David Isaacs and I wrote for THE SIMPSONS "Dancin' Homer" episode was a typical National Anthem at a sporting event that lasts forever. Here's the clip:

In today's Lions-Vikings game Aretha Franklin went ever longer. Note the graphic:

Happy (sitcom) Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. I look forward to the holiday, never writing about it. Every sitcom I’ve ever worked on, we’ve had the obligatory Thanksgiving episode. How many variations can you have on the big family dinner going awry? I think I’ve written the “turkey gets burned”, “relatives clash”, “nutty friends invited”, “can’t find a restaurant”, “kids break something”, “Guess who’s Coming to Dinner variation, “Meet the Parents variation”,“football gambler loses big”, “tofu turkey substitute”, “someone accidentally gets dragged seven blocks by the Mr. Potato Head balloon”, “mom’s a terrible cook”, “relative accidentally not invited”, “someone is allergic to something in the stuffing and has a funny seizure”, “power outage”, “thawing frozen turkey last minute”, “food fight”, and “the pilgrim re-enactment” episode fifteen times.

Hopefully, none of these things will happen to you this turkey day. And if they do, at least you’ll have your BLACKISH spec script halfway written.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks for reading this blog.

What I'm thankful for

Usually I do this and just provide a long list. It includes favorite restaurants, shows, apps, etc. But this year I just can’t do it. This year I feel so let down by my country that it’s hard to be in a celebratory frivolous holiday mood. It’s hard to be thankful for the freedoms we enjoy when I fear they’ll be taken away.

So I’ll just limit my thanks this year to people. And don’t worry; you’re on the list. I realize that by omitting burger joints and frequented websites this might read like an author’s book acknowledgements but so be it.

First and towering over everything -- my family, which grew this year. I have an amazing new son-in-law, Jonathan. Annie, you could not have made a better choice. And that’s from a father, and as everybody knows NO ONE is good enough for a father’s daughter.

Also, my first granddaughter, Rebecca. I know everyone says their grandchildren are the most beautiful and special in the world, but what can I say? In this case it’s true. And I’m thankful that she has the two most loving caring parents in the world, Matt & Kim. And the number one grandmother of all-time, "Ba Ba Debby" (who also owns that title in the wife department).   I look forward to many happy days playing with Becca… then handing her back.

I’m blessed with lots of friends. You are all special to me -- more special than you know. 

And this year, a shout-out to the cast and crew of my play. Collaborating with you for these last three months has not just been a joy but a salvation.

Finally, as promised, you blog readers. That fact that anyone gives a shit about what I think about anything still amazes me. But I am eternally grateful.

So this year I have fewer things to be thankful for but more thankful for the things I am thankful for.

Hopefully you have wonderful people in your life you’re thankful for too.

Two of my idols together at last

The Vin & the Boss.  How great is this photo???

RIP Joe Resnick

What a sad irony that on the day my play about baseball journalists closed in Los Angeles, one of the deans of the LA sportswriter scene, Joe Resnick, passed away from cancer. He was 62.

Newspaper reports of his death list his lengthy resume. For over three decades he covered the Dodgers, Angels, Kings, Lakers, Clippers, Ducks, UCLA, USC, the Olympics, Hollywood Park, and probably cricket tournaments somewhere. For all the words I’ve typed out over the years, he probably cranked out ten times more.

He wrote for the Associated Press but also freelanced for Fox Sports and many of the major newspapers around the country. If you ever read a sports section anywhere and there was an LA byline, chances are you’ve read Joe Resnick.

And yet, you probably have never heard of him. Such is the nature of working for AP. You don’t go on to become a columnist with a large following. You don’t get invited to be on ESPN daytime talkpaloozas. You don’t get your own show on HBO. You work in relative obscurity.

But for Joe Resnick, the work was its own reward. And that’s what the newspaper obits won’t tell you. It’s fair to say he worked 340 days a year. Maybe more. The only time off he would get would occasionally be in October if the Dodgers and Angels weren’t in the playoffs. Then he would have a two-week window before the NBA and NHL seasons began. On some days he would have a Dodger game in the afternoon then a Lakers or Kings playoff game at night.

And he loved every minute of it. Even though he bitched about every minute of it. Joe was that special combination of curmudgeon/wide eyed fan. He’d grumble about having to cover some event but when you’d say to him, why not just let someone else take the assignment, he’d always admit that he was looking forward to it.

He had a long list of things that annoyed him – editors who tampered with his work, athletes who gave unintelligible quotes, pitching changes, loud PA systems, fireworks shows when he was trying to write, and journalists who he felt didn’t show the job and sport the proper respect.

I worked closely with Joe for years when I was doing Dodger Talk. He was always the first person to arrive at the park and the last to leave. I would sign-off Dodger Talk 90 minutes after the game was over and Joe would still be banging out his story, double-checking obscure statistics that would give his account a unique perspective.

For three years I had dinner every night with Joe and fellow journalist Norm Peters at Dodger Stadium. He was Lou Grant only funnier. And a great storyteller. Joe would regale us for hours with stories of sports legends and events he witnessed firsthand.  Not only did he know ALL the sports greats -- they knew HIM. 

He also loved Mary Tyler Moore, '60s music, classic sitcoms, Canter’s pastrami sandwiches, a good laugh, and Vin Scully. The top photo is one I took of Joe and Vinny.

You know that “Lost CHEERS scene” – the scene David Isaacs and I wrote that was aired one time only before the 1983 Super Bowl and never seen again? Remember how a few years ago I unearthed maybe the only copy of it (and have since posted it on my blog every Super Bowl Sunday)? You can thank Joe Resnick. One day he was telling me that he videotaped every Super Bowl. I asked if he ever captured any of the pre-game coverage? He said only the last few minutes of it. I asked if he would go back and check 1983. Our scene aired just before the start of the game. Sure enough, Joe had it. I digitized it and the rest is blog tradition.

Joe never married. Joe had no kids. Covering sports was his entire life. Two weeks ago he received the Bob Hunter Award by the Los Angeles chapter of the Baseball Writers Association of America for his meritorious coverage of baseball. A number of local sportswriters went to his apartment and presented him the award. He said it was one of the happiest days of his life.

No LA pressbox will ever be the same. He will be greatly missed. And any future production of my play, GOING GOING GONE will be dedicated to Joe Resnick.