Superman II

Yesterday’s Superman post sparked a lot of conversation so I thought I’d spend one more day on the Man of Steele.

Thanks to those of you who actually tried to justify how Superman could fly a little girl around the world without incinerating her. As far fetched as those theories are I buy them over Bush’s explanation of why we need to be at war with Iraq. If you haven’t read those comments please do so. Another reader explains how he can walk through walls by rearranging his atoms, but then again, who can’t?

Here’s what else I’d like to know. Where does Superman store his Clark Kent clothes when he’s Superman? One theory is that the logo on the back of his cape is a pouch, and he stores them in that. But still, a suit, his glasses, and shoes? And he must keep an iron in there too because when he changes back his suit is never wrinkled. Help me out physics professors.

Bud Collyer played Superman on the radio. He’s the wiry guy with the goofy bowtie who used to host TO TELL THE TRUTH (Game Show Network every moment they’re not showing old CARD SHARK episodes). When he played Clark he even gave him a different voice. Some of those old radio shows from the 30’s and 40’s are available and they’re a riot. Because it’s the radio Superman must talk to himself and describe everything he’s doing. “Alright, I’ll just twist this steel bar, there we go, then crash through this brick wall…that’s done. Now I’ll fly to Paris. Up up and away! Alright, I’m in the air now. A skydiver is yelling at me. No, sorry, I don’t have a camera!…etc.

People don’t realize but the whole Superman legend, (Krypton blows up, the baby is sent to earth, his rocket lands in Kansas instead of Nazi Germany thank God) was originated by the radio show not the comic book. Same for the character of Jimmy Olsen.

Phyllis Coates or Noel Neill? Who was the best Lois Lane? For fifty years now people have been debating this issue. Very sad people. Personally, I’d have to go with Noel. The deciding factor for any true fan is which one would you like to see kidnapped in your basement? I think Phyllis would scream and threaten that Superman will get me. Noel would compliment me on the new fake wood paneling.

To this day I can’t drive by the Los Angeles City Hall without thinking this is really the Daily Planet building.

I’m hoping the new movie will be good. For awhile Nick Cage was supposed to play Superman. On what planet including Krypton did that make sense? Kevin Spacey is playing Lex Luthor, a Bobby Darin impersonator who got bad reviews and wants to take it out on the world.

Since Superman seems to reside in Metropolis, why would any criminal want to rob banks there? Get in the car. Go to Cleveland. It’s a lot cheaper than lead helmets or commissioning machines that turn things upside down.

Another great thing about Superman is that he can go anywhere. Imagine if Spiderman moves to Phoenix. He can maybe swing from the Wal Mart to the Tastee Freeze.

Just as Sean Connery is THE James Bond, George Reeves IS Superman. There will never be another. Even though every other actor playing Superman can fit into the suit.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's a logic problem

Some sources say that George Reeves’ birthday is one day this week. Others say it’s in January. How fitting that mystery should shroud even that. George Reeves played Superman in the 1950’s TV series ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN. The circumstances surrounding his death are also cloudy but will soon be cleared up because Hollywood has a movie coming out on the subject. (Murder? Suicide? Kryptonite?)

I must admit I have always loved that show. I know it dates me but I was the target audience when it first came out. I still watch it in reruns (it’s now on cable channels so obscure they don’t even have names) and bought the first season DVD the day it came out. I’ve since given up running around the neighborhood employing a towel as a cape. My wife finds it humiliating.

When I watch the episodes now I am filled with a warm sense of nostalgia. I also am struck by how incredibly STUPID I was as a kid. There are moments in that show that are so preposterous that even as a seven year old I should have said, “Heyyyy, wait a minute.”

Okay, forget that no one can tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman just from the glasses even though they look alike, have the same voice, and build. (Teri Hatcher had the same problem in the later series although in her case she was probably just too distracted terrorizing the crew because her Perrier was three degrees too cold.) I’m talking about these little gems (and I bet some of you have a few too):

In one episode Superman flies a little girl around the world. In three hours. At that speed with the g-forces I’d guess she’s be vaporized just outside the Metropolis city limits. And she’s just wearing a little sun dress and flimsy sweater. In one scene they’re flying over Mount Everest. He asks if she’s cold and she assures him she’s not. That must be some sweater because at that altitude it must be minus 300 degrees. But I bought it.

Remember the episode in which Superman was frozen? Oh no! How will he pass for Clark Kent? Simple, with some shoe polish and Lois Lane’s make up. Son of a gun, it worked!! No one noticed there was anything different between a normal person and a man wearing pancake makeup on his face and hands and jet black shoe polish in his hair. It worked for me.

The Daily Planet was a great metropolitan newspaper with a staff of three reporters. Yeah, that sounded about right at the time.

They were always quite liberal on their definition of X-Ray vision. Instead of just looking through objects, this Superman was able to see things from miles away. The one catch was that he couldn’t see through lead. There’s no lead anywhere in a straight line between the Daily Planet building and India?

Which brings me to my favorite moment of all. In one episode the bad guys got the brilliant idea that if they wore lead helmets that fitted completely over their heads that Superman could never identify them. Okay, forget fingerprints, they went to so much trouble to have these helmets made. And wasn’t it hot in those things? I guess not.

So in one scene two of these lead heads are going up to Perry White’s office in the Daily Planet. We see them walking down the hall. Picture this: Two men in suits, lead helmets, with fedoras. Two extras (“staff members”) pass them in the hall AND DON’T EVEN NOTICE THEM. Ho hum. Nothing unusual. Just two businessmen in helmets and hats. Now I fall off my chair. Then I thought “those helmets look good with those suits”.

Coming out this summer will be a new movie version of Superman. I’m sure the effects will be dazzling, you won’t even see the strings when he’s flying. The logic holes will not be as large as the galaxy and all seven year olds will buy it. But the issue will still remain – what can Clark Kent do to better disguise himself? I have the answer. Play him gay.

Taking things for granted

Sorry that my beloved UCLA Bruins didn’t win the NCAA championship (I blame it on that one bad call) but couldn’t be more proud of them for getting that far. When I went to UCLA we won the national championship all four years and truthfully, I never fully appreciated just what a monumental feat that was. We got so used to winning that I almost took it for granted. You learn later, often too late, that that’s not the case. So in that spirit, here are some other things we may be taking for granted.

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Vin Scully will always broadcast for the Dodgers.

Katie Couric will always co-host THE TODAY SHOW.

Email will be free.

That Twinkie you ate in 1993 will leave your system.

Major airlines will provide pillows and blankets for free.

Ryan Seacrest is straight.

Time won’t run out on Jack Bauer.

The Yankees will win because they have a higher payroll than General Motors.

Major sporting events will be on free TV.

You’ll be able to hear the Beatles on the radio.

There will be three new Woody Allen movies a year.

The Lakers will always finish higher than the Clippers.

Sharon Stone will think you want to see her naked in a movie.

Splenda is good for you.

There will always be one or two groups on tour calling themselves “the Beach Boys”.

There will be Marlins in Florida and Pirates in Pittsburgh.

You’ll love it at Levitz.

There will be a SAW III.

There will be a ROCKY XXVI.

There will be rainforests.

There will be a New Orleans.

My first directing assignment

You never forget your first. I’ve now directed over 50 episodes of television but none stand out like that maiden voyage. It was an episode of WINGS in 1995 called “Portrait of a Con Artist as a Young Man” (written by Jeff Richmond & Joyce Gittlin). The premise was that addled mechanic Lowell (Thomas Hayden Church) makes these large twisted pieces of metal that a museum director considers art. Comedy ensues (despite my efforts). Tommy is a gifted comedian (the fact that the rest of the WINGS cast was on suicide watch when he was nominated for an Oscar notwithstanding). But he never reads a line the same way twice. Nor does he move the same way twice. Forget matching problems, I had no idea what the star of the show was going to say or do the entire week. Kind of hard to interject the patented “Levine Touch” when that’s the case.

The rest of the cast was nice (and by that I mean “tolerant”). I had been a consultant and writer on the show since the pilot so we knew each other very well. But there comes a point in the run of a series where the cast feels they’ve got their characters down, they no longer need to rehearse that long, and well…they want to go home. This usually happens around season four. (On one show I directed it happened episode four). We were in season six. The cast didn’t want to just go home, they left their engines running. So we’d do a scene once. They’d walk through it. I’d be ready to say let’s go again and they would say, “We got it, let’s move on”. I, the director, the floor general, the man in control of the stage, would be thinking “you have WHAT?” My first scene was in the airport terminal. Casey (Amy Yasbech) was celebrating her birthday. All of the other characters came in, one at a time, from different directions with presents. And they all gathered around a table where a birthday cake was perched. Nine characters, all stacked up, each with props, torn wrapping everywhere, delivering lines to each other in every possible combination. Time taken to rehearse that scene: a half an hour. “We got it. Let’s move on.” I had visions of adding little bits of comic business, working out any rough spots, fine tuning the pace so the script just crackled. No. By noon we had a runthrough. One of the cast members had to buy something at Adrays before going out to hit a bucket of balls so we had to move it along. Needless to say it was ragged. I didn’t win any points with the producers when cast members would come up to me and ask “I forget. Am I in this scene?”

The next two days were more of the same. But now the Oscar nominee got bored saying the same lines over and over (i.e. twice) so he started changing them…which is a nice way of saying KILLING them. My mantra became, “Please say the lines as written”.

Day four was camera blocking. First scene up, the party. Nine characters, ten pages. And you can plan your camera assignments in advance but if one assignment changes, let’s say Camera B can get a better single of Tim Daly than Camera C as you had envisioned, then the rest of your roadmap goes right out the window. That happened to me the second line of the show. Little wonder I was taking FOREVER to do this. The cast was getting antsy. The first AD kept pointing to his watch. Every crew member I spotted was rolling his eyes. The camera coordinator started giving me suggestions to speed up the process. Then the DP started giving me suggestions. But often they were opposing suggestions, thus confusing me more. The camera coordinator told the DP to butt out, it was none of his business. The DP took exception with that. They almost came to blows. Yeah, I really ruled that stage with an iron hand. I think it took ten hours to complete camera blocking.

Show day. We rehearsed all afternoon, had a dress rehearsal at about 3:00 that lasted an hour. Then we were free until the filming began at 7:00. At 6:30 the audience was let in. At 6:35 I’m handed pages, the rewrite following the dress rehearsal. They had written a BRAND NEW SCENE. What the fuck?!! We couldn’t rehearse on the stage, the audience was now there. I ran backstage, gathered the actors and walked them through it. Then I went to the camera operators, told them there was a new scene, gave them assignments off the top of my head, said just do the best you can and after the audience goes home I’ll block and shoot it properly. All the while I’m sweating through my suit.

Filming begins. It starts with a thirty second pause then Tim Daly calling out, “Say ‘action’, Kenny!” Helen (Crystal Bernard) brings the birthday cake with lit candles to the table for Casey. It slips out of her hands and she drops it. Cut! Fire marshals run out to the set. It’s a twenty minute delay. Then Tommy decides to really improvise. I go out into the stage and tell him nicely to do the line as written. Take two. He does another line. I repeat my request. Take three. Yet a third line. I go out to the Oscar nominee and tell him I will punch his fucking face in if he doesn’t say the line as written. He does the line right. No one can say I’m not an “actor’s director”.

Eventually we get to the new scene. I’m at the quad split, watching all four cameras. Huddled around me are the producers, studio executives, and network people. I call “action”, the scene begins, the cameras start moving and fishing and on the monitors it is utter chaos. People out of focus, shots of the wall, a close up of a nose. (like the last real of AFTER THE FOX) And to make matters worse two cameras collide into each other. Now the network guy must be thinking this director is INSANE.

We finish the show. I spend the next two weeks in a fetal position. I get a call from the producers. They edited the show together (a Herculean task since nothing matched) and discovered it was short. So they wrote a new scene to be filmed after they get done filming this week’s show. That means I start rehearsing and blocking at around midnight. You can imagine the happy cast I had.

And the scene is a dream sequence…with effects. And props that need to be smashed. But there are only two breakaway props so we only have two chances to get it. The first take the actor smashed it at the wrong time – blaming of course, ME. Mercifully, we got the shot the next take, I finally yell “Wrap!” at about 2:00, and drive home muttering to myself that Steven Spielberg had it EASY directing RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARC.

To this day I thank the cast and the producers for their patience. Especially Crystal Bernard who called me at home to say what a great job she thought I had done. Likewise for Tony Shaloub taking me aside, giving me a pep talk. That meant a lot.

Over the years I’ve gotten a lot a better, I’ve gotten a LOT faster but 70% of what I know about directing I learned from that first assignment. And 60% of it was what not to do.

My baseball picks

Monday for me will be the greatest sports day of the year. My UCLA Bruins are in the NCAA Championship Game and it’s the Opening Day of Major League Baseball. Even though it’s supposed to pour in Los Angeles and there will be six angry letters to the LA Times saying “why isn’t there a dome over Dodger Stadium?” I can’t wait. (There will also be one moronic article by a certain sports columnist saying, “Yeah, UCLA is winning but they’re not flashy enough”.) As I hold my breath for Monday night, I turn to my first love – baseball.

Is there anything better than the unbridled optimism of Opening Day? Sure, the Pittsburgh Pirates and Tampa Bay Devil Rays have no shot. From the first pitch they’re just playing out the string. But most other teams do have a chance. The Colorado Rockies could hang in there until May.

This is the time of year when all baseball fans make their predictions. Here are mine. But these are not the usual. Anyone can predict the Yankees and Braves and Cardinals. I’ll give you my longshot picks. A couple of years ago if you had put down a hundred bucks in Vegas for the Florida Marlins to win the World Series you would have made a LOT of money. You’d have done okay picking a Fall Classic of the White Sox and Astros last season, too. Considering the odds, it seems to me a better bet to take a shot at some under the radar teams that might surprise instead of the Yankees where the payoff is so small.

So here are my division winner picks for 2006.

NLW – Giants
NLC -- Houston
NLE -- Phillies

ALW – Rangers
ALC – Indians
ALE – Blue Jays.

Laugh now. Talk to me in October.

PLAY BALL!!!!

GO BRUINS!!!!

The Real Don Steele

The Real Don Steele would have been 70 today. He passed away on August 5, 1997. For thirty years The Real Don Steele ruled the Los Angeles airwaves, most notably on 93/KHJ “Boss Radio” in the 60’s and 70’s. Outrageous, electrifying, thrilling – that was Real on…and OFF the air. Reelradio.com has quite a few samples of his work. If you want to hear the greatest cookin’ jock to ever crack a mike in the heyday of top 40, check him out.

Real also appeared in some highly prestigious films such as EATING RAOUL, DEATH RACE 2000 (starring Sylvester Stallone), ROCK N’ ROLL HIGH SCHOOL, and Ron Howard’s first directing effort, GRAND THEFT AUTO. Television credits are equally as impressive: TALES FROM THE CRYPT and HERE COMES THE BRIDES.

I had the pleasure of working with him at two radio stations, K100 and TenQ in LA in the 70’s. He also fell off my couch stinking drunk one night and my wife still invited him to dinner again.

His catch phrase was “Tina Delgado is alive, ALIVE!” shouted by some unknown frenzied girl. No one ever knew the story behind it. Who Tina Degado was. How he came to use it. Even what the hell it meant. But it didn’t matter. It was all part of the excitement this larger-than-life personality created for “the magnificent megalopolis of Boss Angeles” three hours every day…and especially on “Fractious Fridays”.

Every year on his birthday, April 1st, I wish that maybe his passing is just an April’s Fool joke. That would be so like him. And at 3:00 I could turn on the radio, “Devil with a Blue Dress” by Mitch Ryder would come blazing out of my speaker and I would hear “The Real Don Steele is alive, ALIVE!”

He is in my heart. And always will be.

How can...?

How can there possibly be a Michael Eisner talk show?

How can the GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW reach 100 episodes?

How can American Airlines charge $4.00 for crackers?

How can El Coyote on Beverly Blvd. stay in business?

How can Rob Schneider keep making a living as an actor?

How can Paula Abdul even remember her name?

How can MAMA MIA still be running on Broadway?

How can George Mason be in the Final Four (not that I’m complaining)?

How can Jessica Simpson want to adopt a child?

How can Jack Bauer’s cellphone always get great reception?

How can Joan Rivers close her eyelids?

How can Neil Sedaka not be in the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame?

How can anybody put together a piece of Ikea furniture?

How can Bonnie Bernstein think it’s better to host the Sprint NCAA tournament over-the-phone than sideline reporter for the CBS television network?

How can Barbara Walters be on INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO?

How can the JACK format still be on the air in New York?

How can ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY think Gene Wilder’s performance in YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN was the 9th greatest acting performance of ALL TIME??

How can Bucky still be on AMERICAN IDOL?

How can oil companies get away with charging almost $3.00 a gallon?

How can baseball commissioner Bud Selig hire a man who is part owner of the Red Sox and involved with ESPN to handle the “impartial” investigation of steroids?

How can the star of TRUE LIES be the governor of California?

And the biggest question of all:

How can George W. Bush actually be the President of the United States?

Who hires directors?

The question was asked: who selects directors for TV shows? I can only speak for comedies but usually the show runners. Unless it’s a pilot and then it’s the network (and some of the directors they LOVE I wouldn’t let behind my cellphone camera). All directors must be studio and network approved but during the season that’s usually just a formality. I’ve never been told I couldn’t hire a particular director. There were a few I wish somebody did. When a director is recommended as “Andy Ackerman on a budget” RUN.

I was lucky enough to be trained by James Burrows, the Mozart of sitcom directors. After observing for a couple of years I asked him what’s the best advice he could give me? He said, “Get the job”. And like everything else he told me, he was right. You need to be thrown into the deep end to learn how to swim.

Yeah, but getting that job is easier said than done. This is where “who you know” REALLY comes into play.

Often times writers get their first directing break on their own shows, or as a reward for being on a series a long time. But I’ve seen First AD’s (Katy Gerritson of FRASIER, Lenny Garner of WINGS, Pamela Fryman, many others), editors (Andy Ackerman, Darryl Bates, etc.), camera coordinators, and line producers (e.g. Jay Kleckner, Tim Berry) get the nod too. On the worst show I ever freelanced for, I was followed by the wife of a studio executive. She showed up the first day and said to the actors “So like what, you walk around and stuff and I say okay?” (After the mutiny she was replaced, probably by the craft services guy.)

My first assignment was on WINGS. To this day I thank Peter Casey, David Lee, and David Angell for giving me the shot. I suppose it’s easier for a first-time director when the project is an indie feature that you wrote. Everyone looks to you since the movie is seemingly your vision.

In television you’re the substitute teacher for the Sweathogs. You do your best to act like you know what you’re doing but the cast KNOWS you’re not a director, not yet anyway. And you can’t blame them. Whenever a cast member wants to write a script we don’t take them seriously either (and God are we right most of the time. GAAAA.). It takes a while to learn actor-speak. Who knew a helpful note wasn’t “NO! Anything but THAT!!”

And then there’s the crew. Especially if you’re not one of them they HATE you first time out. With good reason, of course. You don’t know shit and you’re slow. There is nothing more terrifying than sitting down in front of the quad split (the feed from each camera) for the first time and hearing four grizzled camera operators whose credits include I LOVE LUCY, snarl, “Okay, whattaya want?” That’s the moment it starts coming down both legs. You worked all weekend with your little plastic men, moving them around, writing down your shots, getting all prepared, and now it’s like NONE of that matters. Even writing a block comedy scene for Courtney Thorne-Smith starts looking pretty good to you compared to this. What should take five hours takes eleven. No wonder the crew wants to impale you on the boom mike.

Somehow you get through it…unless you’re that studio executive’s wife. She’s probably an executive now herself GIVING directors notes. (So you like say ‘action’ and stuff and I say okay?) It’s a great accomplishment and if you’re ever hired again the second one can only get easier.

On Monday the tale of my first directing assignment complete with two crew members almost coming to blows and two cameras crashing into each other on show night in front of the audience. Where’s the Valium?????

Why writers direct

Billy Wilder, a superb writer/director was once asked if he thought a director should be able to write. His answer was: “No, he should be able to read.” The question always arises: why do writers want to direct? As a writer who also became a director ten years ago I can tell you the answer. And it’s not the answer you expect.

Most people think it’s to protect your material. That’s a factor certainly but especially in television the show runner is king. The director is his bitch. David Chase doesn’t have to direct every SOPRANOS episode to carry out his vision. David E. Kelley never even goes down to the stage. In features it’s obviously different. There it’s the director’s show and the writer is lucky if he gets a drive-on at the gate. But studios rarely hire writers to be first time directors unless they’re big successes and if they are big successes chances are their material wasn’t ruined. And the independent route is expensive and very risky. Directors have to be turning your period piece love stories into sci fi slasher pictures to make you want to mortgage your house.

No, the real reason writers want to direct is this: directing is easier. Sure there are long hours, a million stupid questions (who gives a fuck what color the floss is? It’s floss!!), difficult actresses, and Faye Dunaway. But your job is to make something that already exists work. That’s a whole lot easier than creating something out of nothing. I wish I knew who said it but supposedly a writer who was sick of always hearing about the “Capra Touch” set 120 blank pages in front of him and said, “Here. Put the Capra Touch on this.”

Directors also have cinematographers to make them look good, special effects guys, second unit directors, Industrial Light & Magic, editors, Judi Densch. But writers just have that blank screen.

Writing is lonely, directing is social. Writing is wishing, directing is making. Writing is losing your credit in arbitration, directing is taking credit for everything.

And yet, in my heart of hearts, I know I’m a writer. It’s my first love, it’s who I am. And if I ever needed further proof, Cedar-Sinai screwed up and billed the DGA health fund as my primary instead of the WGA and I’ve been on the phone trying to straighten this fucking thing out for two months.

Morning radio

Now that Howard’s gone there’s nothing to listen to on the radio in the morning. Certainly not if you’re looking for a laugh. (Sure, Howard is on Sirius but unlike sex, I feel it’s morally wrong to pay for it). Locally there’s Kevin & Bean on KROQ but I can’t take that head banging music at 7 A.M. (When will we finally see the “tender” side of Metallica?). Don Imus has gotten so bitter and craggy he’s morphed into his own face. The hole left by Rick Dees’s departure is no hole at all. The best I can do is XM and their three comedy channels.

But my choices seem to be the old school “classic” comedians station which should be renamed “I dunno, at the time they seemed funny” or the X-rated current comic stations, which is really the “Lewis Black challenge” and no one seems to come even close. Four out of five women comics are lesbians and that’s their whole act. How many times can you hear “If God wanted us to be with men he wouldn’t have invented vibrators” jokes? And if they’re not lesbians they’re Sarah Silverman clones (and even Sarah Silverman is becoming a Sarah Silverman clone these days).

What’s a commuter to do? I’d listen to NPR but then I’d have to hear the news. And the Jerry Lewis book on tape was not nearly as deliciously appalling as I had hoped it would be.

But then last week, a miracle. A great morning show. A great comic. Everything I had been craving all this time, all in one. Elayne Boosler was filling in on the Stephanie Miller syndicated show.

I’ve always been a fan but hearing Elayne handle this show reminded me of just how much better she is than most of her carpet munching or testicle collecting peers. She’s not the current “Flavor of the Month” but she is topical, relatable, quick, and very funny. Here are a few examples of what she said this week:

*****

You know what Al Jazeera means in English? Fox News.

What's the difference between a blog and a diary anyway? Well, I guess the Blog of Anne Frank wouldn't have had as much cachet.

Why are the Muslims so mad about the cartoons? If you can't draw the prophet and they've never seen the prophet, how do they know it was a picture of the
prophet? I thought it was Mandy Patinkin in a turban.

I think gay people should be allowed to marry each other. Just so they stop marrying Liza Minnelli.

On the news I saw two men in their eighties get married after living together faithfully for fifty three years. Who thinks this destroys the sanctity of marriage? Rush Limbaugh and his fourth ex wife.

He calls us elitists? Unlike him, I don't send my maid out when I need drugs. When I need a fix I get in my car at four in the morning and go downtown. And I know my drug dealers kids names.

I don't know if Barry Bonds is using steroids, but he did win the Kentucky Derby last year.

Athletes are upset that Bonds may have an unfair advantage because he distorted his body? Welcome to the world of women. You can't even watch the Oscars if you don't have implants.

Botox? Women spend five hundred dollars to get a shot of animal botulism in their foreheads, yet, they worry about mad cow disease. Eat a bad hamburger for two dollars, see if you like your face frozen like that before you spend
all that money.

The whole country gets ridiculous plastic surgery now. You know women are getting "vaginal rejuvenation"? Do they send it to Miami for a week?

Yes, women are getting their vaginal lips shortened. I can't imagine why. I guess it makes your legs look longer.

******

Elayne still tours and according to her website is involved in a number of projects, including the “Tails of Joy” animal rescue foundation which she started. (www.tailsofjoy.net)

I wish she toured more. I wish she did more SHOWTIME specials. But most of all I wish she got her own radio show. I mean, they gave one to Mickey Dolenz and David Lee Roth for godsakes. Why not someone who’s good? VERY good.

My best of my worst

I’ve been tagged by Kevin Arbouet of tenspeedbrownshoe.blogspot.com. These questions all revolve around “the worst”. And when you think of the worst you naturally think of me.

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1. WHAT'S THE WORST THING YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN?

It’s hard to top (or bottom) AfterMASH. Take the three weakest characters of MASH, put them in the hilarious confines of a Veteran’s Hospital and you have a recipe for classic comedy. I thought at least I’d make a fortune in merchandising on those AfterMASH Action Figures.

2. WHAT'S THE WORST LINE YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN?

From an episode of MASH. A marine says “Radar, you and your rat are okay”. I defy any writer/blogger to come up with worse.

3. WHAT'S THE WORST ADVICE YOU'VE EVER GIVEN?

A writing teacher said take the money you would be paid for a script, divide it by the number of pages, and for each page ask yourself “is this page worth $200 (or $300 or whatever it was)?” Just writing this my tic came back.

4. WHAT'S THE ONE TIME YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD HAVE SPOKEN UP BUT YOU DIDN'T?

When Fox wanted us to cast a certain former ALLY McBEAL regular in a pilot of ours. As someone said afterwards, “he not only killed it. He then fucked its empty skull”.

5. WHAT'S THE WORST PITCH MEETING YOU'VE EVER HAD?

Very early in our career my partner’s friend was a secretary for a certain producer. She arranged a pitch meeting for us. When we got there he accused us of getting the meeting through “Nazi tactics”. It went downhill from there.

6. WHO'S THE ONE PERSON YOU'D NEVER WORK WITH AGAIN AND AREN'T AFRAID TO NAME?

Mary Tyler Moore. Wait, let me rephrase that: MARY TYLER MOORE!!!

7. WHAT'S THE WORST SCRIPT IDEA YOU'VE EVER HAD?

A romantic comedy about a woman having an affair with Saddam Hussein. I could never find the magic between them.

8. WHAT'S THE WORST THING ABOUT YOU BEING ON SET?

Going down for runthrough, hearing that the script has problems, and the cast looking at you like you killed their puppy.

9. WHAT'S YOUR WORST WORKING HABIT?

Writing a blog when I should be working on something that might actually pay me money.

10. WHAT'S THE WORST MISTAKE YOU'VE EVER MADE?

Created a show for Mary Tyler Moore. (in case you’re scoring -- failed comeback vehicle two of five). As the saying goes: We dragged a dead horse across the finish line to shoot it.

BIG LOVE. Big deal

Have you seen this show yet? Is the thinking “How can we do DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES but only have to pay for one husband?”

This show makes no sense. Bill Paxton plays a guy who has three wives, three homes, a dozen kids, and has only one job…in the easy money making state of Utah. Excuse me but he would be dead by now.

Oh, and there’s this other little wrinkle. It’s supposed to be a secret. How do you pull that off? What do you write on your tax return when they ask for spouse? What picture do you put on your Christmas card? Don’t other mothers get suspicious when there’s a different woman every day driving carpool when it’s their turn? How do they set up their Cingular family plan? What will Jehovah Witnesses think when the same guy answers the door at three houses?

And what’s in this for the wives? Jeanne Tripplehorn is the first wife. She once had him to herself. Why would she give that up? Why would the middle (trophy) wife, Chloe Sevigny, accept this arrangement when she could still nab an unmarried man? How many bad dates on match.com did she have to have before she agreed to this situation? And why would either of them go along with young Ginnifer Goodwin as either wife #3 or jailbait #1?

The deal is he’s supposed to rotate each night between them. Big surprise! He has trouble getting it up each night. So he takes Viagra. He should also take everything that Barry Bonds takes. And these are three beautiful women. I bet in reality a polygamist family’s photo must look like the Green Bay Packers team picture.

If the show’s ratings decline or if his impotence problem continues they could always rename the show DEADWOOD.

There’s a scene in the pilot where the three women are dividing up the nights and fighting over him. (This is Bill Paxton, remember. It’s not Sean Connery.) If my wife was one of the three I bet she’d be saying “YOU take him. Take him for the week. The month.”

He’s got a friend who’s also a polygamist but who cheats? Huh??? What’s his excuse – my wives don’t understand me? I need some variety?

Then he’s got wacko parents who live at the compound. Truthfully, I’d rather see stories at the compound. Maybe there I could learn the philosophy behind this perfect-for-cable-exploitation way of living. And even if not, there’s Bruce Dern and Harry Dean Stanton – far more interesting to watch than Bill Paxton zipping up his fly or three women preparing breakfast for twenty.

At every level this show seems bogus. For a better example of how a series treats a religion with sensitivity and accuracy might I suggest SOUTH PARK?

the "Elite Ate"

Have these March Madness games this weekend been unbelievable? As a UCLA alum I am over the moon thrilled. But the tourney on the whole, has been spectacular. Duke losing. Texas losing. Cinderella teams. Buzzer beaters. Only thing missing is Bonnie Bernstein. As we nail down the last two spots in this year’s Final Four here is a travelogue from a few years ago when I made my first March Madness trek to Vegas.

GO BRUINS!!!!!!

***********

What a pathetic way of dealing with midlife crisis. I just got back from four days in Las Vegas where I sat in a sports book and watched 48 college basketball games. It's the first week of March Madness, the NCAA college basketball tournament. My friend Steve always puts together a group of guys to go for that first weekend. This is usually the same group that played poker the night of their senior prom and still have baseball card collections. How honored that I was invited this year.

I rarely go to Vegas. Can usually do about one day. Two if I'm lucky (and who's ever lucky in Las Vegas??) But being starved for entertainment and having just catalogued my baseball card collection I accepted.

Stayed at the MGM Grand. Was afforded all the personal touches one could expect from a hotel that boasted 10,000 rooms. Prices were determined by whether your room was findable. We arrived at about noon on Thursday and quickly headed down for the sportsbook. It was already packed. No chairs, much less tables. Big screens all around but almost impossible to follow even one game, or remember which game was on which screen. So now I couldn't find a chair, couldn't find the correct game, couldn't find my way to the elevator through the casino, and couldn't find my room. I had been in Vegas 45 minutes.

To insure this seating problem wouldn't happen again everyone in our group had to take a morning, get up at 5 and come to the sportsbook to stake claim to a table and chairs. And then wait four hours for the games to begin. I couldn't find the alarm clock either.

Of the 64 schools participating I really only cared about one -- UCLA. They got knocked out in the first round. (Fire Steve Lavin.) Now I'm supposed to get excited about Coppin State???

Each night after the games ended at about nine we all went out to a nice dinner. Most great US restaurants have a Vegas outlet. So we ate at Smith & Wollinsky's, Chinois, the Palm, and Gallaghers. It was either that or the Chuck Wagon Buffet. Amazingly, we spend twelve hours in front of nine screens, screaming and yelling and tearing our hearts out, slamming the table when we lose our two dollar bets and yet, later when we go out to dinner, everyone is just throwing around money, dropping hundreds like they were nothing.

Saturday night between the games and dinner the guys decided they had to see the Holyfield-Lewis fight on closed-circuit. So we went to the Orleans hotel (the elephant's graveyard for headliners. Melissa Manchester, Frankie Avalon, Captain & Tennille, probably the Cowsills, Karen Carpenter if she were still alive) and for a refreshing change -- sat in a ballroom on card chairs and watched TV...except we had to pay a tidy sum just to get in. If there’s ever a schmuck convention we’ll all be the first invited.

One of the guys in our group (who will remain nameless but you're on this distribution list and you know who you are) is the ultimate waiter killer. Four days and the rest of us were ready to kill him. We had to change tables in every restaurant, he sent back every order (sometimes twice), walked all the way across the casino (four miles) to return a cinnamin bun I had gotten him because there was frosting on it (like he couldn't just SCRAPE IT OFF!!) and almost brought a clerk to tears at Haagan Daz when he claimed she shortchanged him in his waffle cone. At that point me and one of the other sad sacks said we would punch his heart in if he didn't just take the fucking ice cream cone and move on. Yeah, that's how the MGM makes it money, skimming on the ice cream in waffle cones. I made sure I never ordered what he did because I didn't want them spitting in my food by mistake.

Sunday night finally arrived and we headed home. McLaren airport always had this wonderful feature -- recordings of stars telling you to use the people movers. I remember once hearing Totie Fields a week after her leg was amputated. The tradition remains but the level of stars has dwindled. This time I heard Judd Hirsch. Come on guys. Even the headliners at the Orleans are better than that. They couldn't get Vicki Lawrence to record a damn public service announcement??

I wound up breaking even, having a lot of laughs, unfortuantely bumping into a guy I knew in high school who is now an insurance agent and is calling me for lunch, and ultimately saying I was glad I went. But not enough to want to go again next year.

Weekend techno-thoughts

Note to whoever designed the word verification program in the comments section of this and most other blogs. You’re supposed to copy the letters that are shown but half the time you can’t read them. What is that goofy slanted font they use? And why? I apologize to anyone trying to add a comment who has to go through this process more than once because the “q” looked like an “a” or the “ffft” looked like “fltf”. The idea is to eliminate spammers not anyone who doesn’t have X-Ray vision.

Traffic is usually much lighter on the weekend thus leading me to believe that most people log on at work. In essence, it means that if they’re going to read my blog somebody better be paying them.

Anyone know of a website where I can download (legally of course because heck, it’s only right) obscure oldies?

Does anybody actually buy anything they see advertised on the side of a blog? Which brings to mind this question: which is more annoying – commercials in movie theatres or pop up ads? Why would you advertise your product in venues where you’re loudly booed or people pay good money for programs to block you?

There is some on line fantasy stock exchange where blogsites are the “companies”. Could someone tell me where to find it, how the hell it works, and should I be worried that the sites I’ve recommended will stage a hostile takeover?

Thanks in advance to those of you who graciously would like to answer. Just remember the difference between the “v” and the “u” is that what looks like the “v” is the really the “u” and what looks like the “u” is really the “n”.

Where are all the CHEERS scribes now?

A number of you have asked where the various CHEERS writers are these days and what they’ve been up to since the show’s run ended in 1993. The short answer is we were all hot for ten minutes, all got studio development deals, created a bunch of series (a few you’ve heard of, most you haven’t), branched out into different areas, and get together with each other to bitch about the current state of the industry.

Specifically, as far as I know….

Glen & Les Charles have moved out of LA and are living the good life. They’ve dabbled some in features and wrote PUSHING TIN starring Jon Cusak and Angelina Jolie. I saw them recently accepting an award on TV LAND and they both looked great.

Peter Casey & David Lee went on to create and run WINGS and FRASIER. David is currently a very sought after theatre director. Peter is working on a feature project with me and my partner, David Isaacs.

David Angell partnered with Casey & Lee, co-creating WINGS and FRASIER. Tragically, David and his wife Lynn were in the first plane that hit the World Trade Center on 9/11.

David Lloyd consulted on WINGS and FRASIER and wrote some of the best episodes of each, just as he had done on CHEERS, TAXI, and THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. David is traveling and probably gets residual checks in the mail every other day.

(NOTE: Back then every show had at least four Davids on staff. Things have changed. Today it’s four Matts.)

Heide Perlman joined James L. Brooks’ production company, created the ABC series SIBS, and has since worked on a number of series including FRASIER.

Cheri & Bill Steinkellner – With Phoef Sutton created BOB starring Bob Newhart then by themselves created HOPE & GLORIA, the Emmy winning animated show TEACHER’S PET (starring Nathan Lane) and wrote the screenplay for the movie of TEACHER’S PET (which got sensational reviews and deserved a better fate). Currently they are doing the book for two Broadway bound musicals including SISTER ACT which premiers later this year at the Pasadena Playhouse.

Phoef Sutton (pronounced “Feef”) teamed with the Steinkellners on BOB then on his own created a number of series including THE FIGHTING FITZGERALDS with Brian Denahy and a very interesting short-lived sitcom for CBS called THANKS set in pilgrim times. He also has quite a few screenwriting credits including MRS. WINTERBOURNE and THE FAN starring Robert DeNiro. In his spare time he wrote a published novel. Currently he is producing BOSTON LEGAL and wrote and directed a short film starring Joe Montagne that is winning festival awards left and right. I’m sure someday he’ll get around to sonnets.

Tom Reeder consulted on a number of series including THE COSBY SHOW and FRASIER. He lives at the beach and is too happy as far as I’m concerned.

Dan O’Shannon created several short-lived series (including a very interesting one about a married woman contemplating an affair) then became the show runner on FRASIER. Ever versatile, Dan was a producer last season on the Sci-Fi hour show THRESHOLD for CBS.

Tom Anderson – created LIVING SINGLE and is living in Cleveland. I’d rather be Tom Reeder.

Earl Pomerantz produced the first year of COSBY, created TV’s only multi-camera sitcom Western, BEST OF THE WEST, MAJOR DAD, and an ABC series about his own life. He also guested on BUFFALO BILL as the “Human Salmon”. Recently he consulted on ACCORDING TO JIM, and currently writes magazine articles, and is a commentator for NPR.

Sam Simon co-created THE SIMPSONS. He too has a bunch of credits but shit, he co-created THE SIMPSONS. Who cares about the others?

Ken Estin co-created the TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW, the TORTELLIS (spin off of CHEERS), produced ALMOST PERFECT with David Isaacs and I, and currently has several TV and feature projects in the works.

Rob Long & Dan Staley – created the obligatory number of short-lived series including GEORGE & LEO starring Bob Newhart and Judd Hirsch. (I’m the only former CHEERS writer who did not create a show for Bob Newhart). They worked with David and I on BIG WAVE DAVE’S. (We tried to get Bob Newhart but settled for Jane Kaczmarek.) Rob wrote a hilarious book on the TV industry called CONVERSATIONS WITH MY AGENT. In addition to his work with Dan he also contributes political articles to magazines and newspapers, does weekly humorous commentaries for Public Radio’s KCRW called “Martini Shot”. He’s the funniest Republican in the country.

Kathy Ann Stumpe – went on to produce EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND and write quite a few episodes. She too likes to go to her mailbox.

Janet Leahy is currently the show runner of BOSTON LEGAL. Whenever there’s an article about the top women writers in television she’s always included.

Let’s see, who else? Oh yeah, Fred Graver became the President of VH-1.

Writing the outline

The story is hatched. The staff has written the beats on the board. Now the writer writes the outline. How long should it be? How detailed?

Each show has its own format and requirements but at CHEERS outlines tended to be about ten or twelve pages, single spaced on one half of the page leaving the other half blank for notes.

Make the outline as detailed as you can. In sitcoms that means suggested dialogue, and some of the jokes. This is always a little tricky because you don’t want to write too many jokes – the outline becomes too dense and you want a few new jokes to surprise and totally delight the staff when you turn in the script – but do provide a fair amount. Especially in the big comedy scenes.

Here’s what not to do: “Carla enters, says something hilarious to Cliff, he comes right back at her with a killer topper, they argue about Florida or the Red Sox or something, everyone else chimes in zingers until finally she konks him on the head with something funny.” Believe it or not, I’ve actually been handed outlines where the writers did this – writers who I suspect are painting houses today.

Usually you will turn your outline into the producer and staff who will then give you notes. Soooo many script problems can be solved at this point in the process. If your outline is detailed enough the story problems will become evident. If new scenes or different turns are required it’s much easier to flag them at this stage than later when you’ve written an entire draft.

Once the outline is approved don’t use every joke you’ve submitted. Use most, certainly the ones the staff specifically pointed out that they liked, but always be looking to beat your jokes. Trickier is when there’s a joke that someone on staffed pitched. It’s a judgment call but still, if you think you can do better as a rule I say go for it. When David and I started out we brought a cassette recorder to all our note sessions. We then went home and felt compelled to jam in every joke the producers pitched. Most of them were later taken out…by the producers who pitched them in the first place. And here’s a secret: most of the time the person who pitched the joke doesn’t even remember it.

One thing I always tell writers – don’t be afraid to question something in the story you don’t like or get. Don’t kill yourself forcing something to work you feel doesn’t. Just because the staff pitched it out to you doesn’t mean it’s right. Feel free to speak up in the notes session. Also feel free to point out your concerns in the outline.

At the end of the day, before you can go off and write the script you need to know that (a) everyone is on the same page, and (b) you know what the hell you’re writing.

Questioning also applies once you’ve begun your draft. If you get stuck at some point, realize once you’re into it that something doesn’t work don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole Pick up the phone. Even if you have the solution but it veers from the outline, check in and let someone know your plans. Producers rarely love surprises.

A good outline is a writer’s GPS system. Don’t leave home without it.

Tomorrow: Where have all the CHEERS scribes gone, long time passing?

Breaking CHEERS stories

Okay, I’m in a CHEERS mood. So for the next three days my posts will be CHEERS related. Today I’ll answer a reader’s question on how we broke stories for CHEERS. Tomorrow I’ll discuss how much and what we included in our outlines, and Friday I’ll answer another reader’s question about where the various CHEERS writers are today.

Breaking stories was easily the hardest thing we had to do. Believe it or not, writing the jokes was comparatively easy.

Breaking the stories was always a group effort. The entire writing staff would gather to pitch ideas. A good many of them would stem from personal anecdotes that happened to one of us. Something about a writers room, in two days you find yourself revealing the most embarrassing incidents and traumatic events that ever happened to you to a group of still virtual strangers. But anything for a story idea. And the personal ones tended to be more real and certainly more bizarre.

I always loved when an actor would say “no one would be that stupid to do this” and it was something I had actually done.

For every story we used there were always twenty or thirty we threw out. The core of every story had to present a substantial problem for one or more of the characters. And it had to have some comic spin. When an idea is on the table and the writers are able to come up with possible scenes and twists and jokes that’s a pretty good indication that we may have hit gold. And very often a story will evolve into something completely different from what you started with. You begin with Sam has to hire a new bartender and an hour later it somehow becomes Lilith’s pet rat dies and she keeps it in her purse.

A point of pride on CHEERS and FRASIER was that they wouldn’t do any story that another show had done. If you pitched something and someone said, “Oh, I saw something like that on TAXI we’d junk it.” Same with the actual story telling. We were always looking to tell stories in a fresh way.

Once we had an area we liked this is how we generally broke the stories: Our first question was always “what’s the act break?” Then “what’s the ending?”. Then "when's lunch?" Once we had the big midpoint turn and the ultimate conclusion we’d go back and fill in the acts. Sometimes we would lay out a story and see that two or three characters would be excluded. So in order to service them we would do a B story that usually could be told in two or three scenes.

We also tried to make sure each character got a few central stories each season – even Norm and Cliff. We tried to mix up the stories – not all romance related, not all work related. But early on, especially in the first year, we always tried to have at least one Sam-Diane run to keep their relationship alive. It might only be a few lines but we knew that their dynamic was at the heart of the series.

Stories took anywhere from a couple of hours to several days to we still haven't solved it.

Which brings me to my final point -- storytelling is a very inexact science. Some weeks the stories played great and other weeks we wrestled the damn thing to the ground every night. The learning curve only takes you so far.

But somehow the series managed to tell over 200 of them (many I'm quite proud of), which to me is a testament to how good the premise was, the actors were, and the vision set forth by creators Glen & Les Charles and James Burrows.

The World Baseball Classic?

And so ends the first World Baseball Classic – which is really no more than “Bud Selig’s X-games”. MLB and the commissioner would tell you it was a huge success. Of course he’ll also tell you steroids are not a big problem and he doesn’t sleep in his suits. So did you care? Or did it just seem like an ESPN event? Excuse me -- ESPN-2 event. In the LA TIMES Sports section on Monday even the Lakers came before this story.

Here are some thoughts:

There are a lot of Yankee haters like me who found it hard to even root for the US team. The biggest fans of the WBC have to be the Red Sox Nation because Johnny Damon hurt his shoulder.

Bragging rights are nice but for real incentive, the winning team should replace the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in the American League.

Great that the championship game was held at Petco Park because there’s a huge Cuban and Japanese population in San Diego, California.

Maybe I’m a little bitter because I couldn’t get a job announcing for Finland.

If a Cuban player is missing I would check George Steinbrenner’s house first.

Most of the big All-Stars passed on the event. It’s like putting on Woodstock with Herman’s Hermits as one of the headlining acts.

Canada beat the US team. As comic Elayne Boosler said, “they weren’t even wearing skates”.

Please don’t let the final game of Roger Clemens’ storied career be the US vs. Mexico at Angel Stadium.

My favorite moments were watching managers and umpires yelling at each other in different languages.

All any major league ballplayer had to do to be eligible to play for Bhutan or Cameroon was fly over their countries once.

I’m surprised Pete Rose didn’t try to latch on to some country’s team. Even if it meant defecting TO Cuba.

There were ties in the WBC. That’s sac religious. Crying is allowed in baseball before ties.

There could also be suspensions if the pitching staffs got depleted. It’s the “World Kissing Your Sister” Classic.

And then when they DO have an exciting game -- that kid pitcher from Panama hurling a no-hitter -- they stop it after 7 innings because of the ten run mercy rule they’ve instituted.

There’s an expression that applies here – “Bush League”, meaning small time, inferior thinking. It was inspired by our President.

Here’s a wacky idea: schedule the tournament in January or early February when baseball fans really need a fix, not during March Madness and the return of PRISON BREAK.

Oh, by the way, Japan beat Cuba 10-6. At least there’s a Disneyland in their country to go to.

Let’s now get back to baseball that has some REAL meaning – the Cactus League and Grapefruit League results.

Tomorrow: How we broke stories on CHEERS.

I've Been Everywhere, Man

The Sunshine Boys hit the road. My writing partner, David and I (only hours away from actually BECOMING the Sunshine Boys) headed for Naples in the sunshine state to do research for our latest ersatz pilot. I then moved on to New York.

We arrived in Ft. Lauderdale then headed across Alligators Alley. Didn’t see any gators but apparently at the first light of day they do come out to the highway. The dumb ones try to cross. The smart ones stand along the side selling tickets to the world famous Sarasota Clown museum.

South Florida has two of my favorite things – great weather and GOOFINESS. If you love Americana, Jimmy Buffet, stone crabs, early bird specials, and spectacular beaches this is the place for you.

Were a studio paying for this trip we would have stayed in Naples. But since it was our own dime, Bonita Beach was our Gateway to the Gulf home. In the 20’s there was this cult, the Koreshans, who believed that Bonita Beach was the center of the world. They were a celibate tribe so unfortunately no longer exist. (Darwin works) Just a state park in their honor. And if I’m not mistaken, the Hampton Inn we were staying at is at the center of Bonita Beach, and room 229 just to our left is the absolute DEAD center of the world.”

No wonder the Holiday Inn across the street is proud. Their marquee proclaims “Number one guest rated shower heads.”

Favorite store name (maybe ever): “Master Bait & Tackle Shop” on Bonita Beach Rd. Yes, I purchased t-shirts.

You drive down Whippoorwill Lane and come to an intersection. On the left is a hospice, on the right is a nudist colony.

Everyone here is from somewhere else. A native is someone whose had to renew their Florida driver’s license.

Florida is the home of many fun attractions. Disney World is okay but even better, in Naples, is “Jungle Larry’s Safari”. It’s a seedy zoo with drugged animals. During Hurricane Wilma last year some of the animals escaped. The spider monkeys got into the nearby Athletic club. The club wanted to get rid of them (their membership charter is very specific on qualifications) but you can’t kill monkeys in the city limits. I can almost imagine a rep from the club addressing a city council meeting. “In order to offset the damage of Hurricane Wilma and help our high school majorettes get to this year’s Rose Parade, as a fund raiser we’d like to propose a cookout/monkey shoot.”

Not to be outdone, there is also “Jungle Erv’s Airboat World” – see the everglades mangrove jungle. With gift shop. I’m surprised funeral homes in South Florida don’t have gift shops.

Other local attractions I missed: “Weeki Wachee”, a live mermaid show and the “Dinner Train Theatre” where shows open out of many towns.

Never got to a spring training game. The traffic on US. 41 and I-75 was so bad it would have been faster to drive to Scottsdale, Arizona than Ft. Myers.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Wilma, all the palm trees in the area tilt south. As do some of the people.

A consultant to the local tourism board suggested they never mention the “H” word (hurricane). Instead, just say it’s their “windy” season. Cows blowing across the highway kind of wind.

Forget the cost of homes. Dockmaniums, to store your boat cost $200,000. Used to be free.

South of Naples you get into DELIVERANCE country. Everglade City. In the 80’s it was the hub of a huge marijuana smuggling business. Eventually they were busted and 80% of the men in the town were indicted and sent off to prison. Well, now they’re back and very bitter. It’s a rough town. DEADWOOD with shrimp boats. It’s the only town with a mayor with a mullet. Not the place for David and I to go to for lunch and ask which theatre is showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Big Collier County museum attraction: an old tank just sitting on the lawn. What makes it such a unique attraction is that it has a parking space.

There’s a guy in Naples who looks like he’s right out of the SOPRANOS named Johnny. Since he has an auto repair shop on the same street as a hospital he calls himself “Doctor Johnny”. His local commercials feature him in scrubs standing over a sick engine barking out orders to a buxom nurse. “Nusre, wrench! Stat!” Johnny’s other job is city councilman.

Naples has a bandshell but no concerts because of noise restrictions.

This is a big Republican area. Billboard spotted: a cute baby with the words “Please don’t abort me.” Excuse me, but HOLY SHIT!!!

And under construction nearby is a whole new town funded by pizza czar Tom Monaghan, to be named Ava Maria. Center of the town will be a Catholic University (are you picking up the theme here?) that will proudly feature the largest crucifix in America. Jungle Jesus’ Church Tour.

I spotted a Confederate flag bumper sticker that read: “Heritage not Hate”. Why not just “Oktoberfest not Holocaust”?

They love their festivals in S/W Florida. Among them is the wine festival, the harvest festival (who will be this year’s Miss Vegetable?), and my favorite -- the Swamp Buggy Festival featuring the “Mile ‘o Mud” race, and the Swamp Buggy Queen. One lovely tradition is that once she’s crowned she’s then thrown in the mud.

Best restaurant in Ft. Myers – Cru.

Did not personally see the dreaded Skunk Ape, but a local resident claims this creature does exist and coincidentally resides on his property. He even has a blurred video. He’s hoping to attract tourism. Jungle Larry in incensed.

There are 103 golf courses in the Naples area. Only 8 are public courses. If your ball goes into the rough just leave it. The Skunk-ape might get ya.

Visited a good friend who lives in Gulf Harbour, near Ft. Myers. Gorgeous gated community. There’s one house that has its own casino. Amazingly it’s not owned by an Indian.

Drove back over Alligator Alley. I knew I was in Miami when I saw my first driverless Cadillac.

Stayed in Ft. Lauderdale next to the “Fishing Hall of Fame”. This actually exists. Who are the inductees? The Old Man from OLD MAN IN THE SEA? Ted Williams? Captain Ahab? The crew from PERFECT STORM?

Thanks to Jungle Maggie, Jungle Randy, Jungle Arnie, Jungle John, and Mayor Bill for making our stay at the center of the earth so enjoyable.

On Thursday David returned home and I flew to New York to continue work on the musical I’m co-writing. The flight was like being trapped in a Haddassah meeting. “Morty, here, I brought some Craisins for the trip.” “I’m not hungry.” “Eat something or you’re gonna have gas!!”

It was 85 degrees in Florida, 40 in New York.

Stayed at the Hotel Wales on the Upper East Side. It was the smallest room I’ve ever had. Too bad I was alone. I could have easily qualified for membership in the Mile High Club.

Around the corner was Woody Allen’s place. I left a note saying the next time he goes to London to film a movie I’d be happy to house sit and baby sit Soon-Yi.

I was the only person in Manhattan with a non-spray tan.

Saw RING OF FIRE, the music of Johnny Cash. It was a hoot (and a nanny). My only criticism: they didn’t include his jingle for the Victoria Station restaurant chain. No study of the Man in Black is complete without it.

Also saw JERSEY BOYS, the story of the Four Seasons. Not your typical Broadway crowd. Every goomba of New Jersey was in the audience. There must’ve been 100 women named Carmella. I thought I saw Dr. Johnny from Naples. The show was SPECTACULAR. It was so good that after twenty minutes I stopped fearing for my life. JERSEY BOYS will win every Tony Award there is…or next year there will be a lot of missing Tony voters.

Whether you prefer to “Walk Like a Man” or “Walk the Line” you can’t go wrong with either of these shows.

Friday was St. Patrick’s Day. 40 degrees is not ideal weather for wearing kilts. I do hope that guy was going to the parade. Because of all the celebrating rowdy drunks needing rides it was impossible to get a taxi…from 10 AM on.

I met Phoebe Cates and she was gorgeous. How nice to see someone I’ve had a crush on for twenty years and not go “GAAAAA!”

All in all, a great trip. I got a lot of work done, saw some terrific shows. My only regret is seeing JERSEY BOYS the night before I met Phoebe Cates. I so wish I didn’t sing “Can’t Make My Eyes Off of You” to her in the middle of Madison Avenue.

Reality Bytes

Now that we’re in March, networks start carting out their reality shows. People locked in a room, AMERICAN IDOL with inventions, etc. So as a public service, here are a few of my suggestions for reality shows:

DONNER PARTY SURVIVOR: every week the losing tribe votes someone off the island then eats them.

THE BOSS – interning for George Steinbrenner thus combining the Apprentice with Fear Factor.

CELEBRITY POSSE SWAP – Bette Midler’s fag hag entourage switches with Alan Iverson’s.

TIGHTROPING WITH THE STARS – Just because.

JOE WELFARE – Women with bad judgment compete for Mr. Wrong.

THE UNBELIEVEABLE RACE where people from Iowa have to take the subway from Woodlawn to Bay Ridge.

CELEBRITY MAKEOVER where every week Diana Ross gets something else done, and finally:

THE BACHELOR IN PRISON. Be careful where you put the rose.