Since airport security has now made it impossible for anyone to travel unless absolutely necessary, the next best substitute is reading about the destinations you might want to have gone to. So as a totally self serving public service, here is one of my travelogues from 2003. Any publishers out there that want to compile them for a book, I’m interested. (told you it was self serving)
********
Back from one of my favorite places – Chicago. It’s truly glorious the three months there's no wind chill factor.
Debby and I went back to collect Annie who had been at Northwestern University for a five week intensive theatre program for high school kids. 135 "Cherubs" took classes in theatre. Annie's performed in "the Trial of Lizzie Borden" (O.J. with an axe). Happy to report she was fabulous. Note to all high school acting teachers: NEVER let teenage boys play "old men". Not only is it an exercise in bad make up it is always embarrassing. The Little Rascals wearing grown up clothes. Play it safe. Do "Grease".
Thank God Annie didn't tell the other Cherubs what I do for a living otherwise I would be coming home with 134 head shots.
Our flight to Chicago was delayed an hour and half because a latch wasn't fastened correctly. Airline mechanics have the perfect job. Union benefits AND they get to keep 200 people waiting. Have you been on American Airlines lately? No more do they serve meals in coach. They now employ "Bistro Service", which means paper sacks containing stale sandwiches, raisins, and chips. I found myself longing for those disgusting omelets. Next year "Intermezzo Service" when they just throw you cans of C-Rations.
We stayed at the Doubletree Suites (Holiday Inn with cookies). They have the following sign hanging on the towels in the bathroom
WHEN YOU CARE, IT SHOWS
"Dear Guest,
Everyday millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that have only been used once. YOU MAKE THE CHOICE:
A towel on the rack means "I will use again".
A towel on the floor means "Please replace"
Thank you for helping us conserve the Earth's vital resources. “
How many housekeeping people were they able to lay off as a result? How many trees were cut down to make those little signs?
I'm just glad that little sign wasn't on the toilet paper.
In the honor bar Sparkling Water cost $2.75. At that price they'll never run out of it. They care and it shows.
Dinner Thursday night at Hugo's Frogbar (which is Gibson's sister restaurant). Nothing like a Chicago steak. Best animal fat in America. Rush Street is quite the scene on a warm summer night. Packed with people drinking. Since valet parking is $9.00 I suspect none of them had cars so they all got home safely. The care continues to show.
Anytime you turn on Channel 7 Oprah is on.
The big thing in Chicago these days is "Caramel Crisp". This is caramel covered popcorn and the shop that sells it on Michigan Avenue has LINES. Considering the beef, deep dish pizza, pancakes, White Castle sliders, etc. that Chicagoians devour this must be considered eating light.
The other big craze is American Girl Dolls. These are well made expensive dolls that kids can get to look like themselves. There is a big American Girl Doll store with lines almost as large as for the gummy popcorn. There's something a tad Stepford about seeing all these little girls clutching dolls that bear their own likeness. Of course I'd kill to have a Ken Levine action figure so who am I to talk?
There is no greater place in the world to watch a baseball game than Wrigley Field. Nowhere even close. We went Friday afternoon. Cubs vs. Arizona (that classic rivalry). The game started at 2:20. By 3:20 they were beginning the fifth inning. The game ended at 10:05 (but more on that later). Picked up a Harry Caray bobblehead doll. Debby got a George W. Bush bobblehead. It will go great with our one for Alf. Outside of Wrigley Field they have a statue for Harry Caray, their longtime announcer. On Michigan Ave. they have a statue for another sportscaster, Jack Brickhouse. You have to love a town that erects statues for baseball announcers. Here in LA. the best they can do for Vin Scully is a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which is lovely until you realize there's also one for Bugs Bunny, Trigger, and Charlie Tuna.
Across the street from Wrigley is a stand that offers "Sunglasses and Tattoos".
Everyone sitting around us was plastered. We got a foul ball in our section that went off six hands before landing in the lap of the old lady wearing an Osbourne's T-shirt. Don't drink and catch.
At 4:15 the rains came delaying the game. Debby and I had to leave anyway, agreeing to meet Annie for dinner in Evanston at 5. It rained hard for three hours. I just kept wondering how many towels you could wash as a result. The Cubs and Diamondbacks resumed playing and would continue through 14 innings. We bar hopped along Rush watching the game cursing the futile Cubs like everyone else.
Chicago loves its Cubs but it's a tough love. Fans wear jerseys that say "Cork" in the Cubs logo. In Sunday's Tribune Mike Rosenbloom wrote:
Bob Hope's death at 100 leaves one fewer person who was alive the last time the Cubs won the World Series.
The Cubbies finally won in the 14th. Time of game: 7 hours, 40 minutes. A day/night single header. A thousand people were left in the stands. Every one needed a designated driver.
I saw the apartment building they used for the Bob Newhart Show. Bet I was the only person in fifteen years to recognize it.
Chicago in the summer is the home of the "Oblivious Tourist". Revolving doors completely befuddles them. Walking without just stopping in the middle of a crowded sidewalk? Big problem.
The Oblivious Tourist in the next room is now showering with the same towel for four days. The Oblivious Tourist in the room across the hall cares even more. He hasn't showered for four days.
There is a Pancake House for every three Chicagoians.
Gino's Pizza and Shaw's Crab House were delicious and fattening as ever. But the best meal we had was at Roys. Score one for Hawaii.
Every restaurant on Rush Street was packed on Friday and Saturday night....except the Lo Ca Locale. Tumbleweeds were rolling through that place.
In honor of the upcoming Elvis festival the WGN morning weather idiot AND the anchor, donned Elvis costumes. The anchor actually read a few news stories wearing that get up. What does it say about their journalistic integrity when the most credible member of their news team was Oscar red carpet booklicker, Sam Rubin live from LA?
Sunday afternoon produced the worst local flooding in 45 years. You could even wash bed sheets everyday with that much water. People were diving into theatres to get out of the rain...except for those theatres showing "Gigli". It was still preferable to be pelted with hail.
Coming home Annie was detained by airport security at O'Hare because of her teddy bear. They then searched through her backpack and let her go through, even with a pair of scissors. Huh???
The Oblivious Tourist was unclear that when he had to put his shoes in the plastic basket to go through the X-ray machine he had to take them off first.
Time to unpack and not wash any of our dirty clothes. Because of course, we care.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Friday, August 11, 2006
Do not try this at home
In case you missed it the first time around:
I have read some bad specs in my time and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.
Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.
Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.
And just because people tell you you look like Debra Messing doesn’t mean you should write a WILL & GRACE entitled “Grace’s Sister”. If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.
Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.
Don’t invent a format.
Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!
Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:
EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY
Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.
Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Peter Jackson or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.
Similarly, avoid dream sequences. The GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW is not looking for the next Fellini.
Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.
Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Ray Barone is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.
I was going to recommend you don’t do like one aspiring writer and make a joke in a CHEERS about Diane’s pussy because it’s crude, offensive, and inappropriate, but I saw the same joke two weeks ago on STACKED.
Still, I’d like to think there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.
Don’t marry off any of the main characters.
Don’t kill off any of the main characters.
Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.
Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.
The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.
Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.
And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.
Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.
I have read some bad specs in my time and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.
Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.
Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.
And just because people tell you you look like Debra Messing doesn’t mean you should write a WILL & GRACE entitled “Grace’s Sister”. If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.
Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.
Don’t invent a format.
Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!
Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:
EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY
Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.
Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Peter Jackson or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.
Similarly, avoid dream sequences. The GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW is not looking for the next Fellini.
Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.
Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Ray Barone is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.
I was going to recommend you don’t do like one aspiring writer and make a joke in a CHEERS about Diane’s pussy because it’s crude, offensive, and inappropriate, but I saw the same joke two weeks ago on STACKED.
Still, I’d like to think there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.
Don’t marry off any of the main characters.
Don’t kill off any of the main characters.
Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.
Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.
The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.
Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.
And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.
Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
It's nice to be the next Preston Sturgess
This is a typical story. In the mid 80’s my partner and I had a pretty good movie career going along with our TV work. (I think this was that honeymoon period between the time VOLUNTEERS was made and actually released…because that window was pretty short as I recall.) Disney wanted to meet us.
We trooped down to Burbank, appropriately entered the Dopey Building and met with this very nice energetic young executive. If we had any movie ideas he wanted us to bring them to Disney first. Because of our work on CHEERS we were the perfect writers for them. They were looking to do sophisticated romantic comedies with with and heart, and smart crackling dialogue. Very few people could do that but we could and that’s what they wanted. We were obviously very flattered and said when we came up with something we would call them. He then said, “Listen, while you’re here, we do have one project that’s open, and we think you guys would be perfect for it. EARNEST GOES TO JAIL.”
We graciously passed. We could write sophisticated comedy but we weren’t Noel Coward.
We trooped down to Burbank, appropriately entered the Dopey Building and met with this very nice energetic young executive. If we had any movie ideas he wanted us to bring them to Disney first. Because of our work on CHEERS we were the perfect writers for them. They were looking to do sophisticated romantic comedies with with and heart, and smart crackling dialogue. Very few people could do that but we could and that’s what they wanted. We were obviously very flattered and said when we came up with something we would call them. He then said, “Listen, while you’re here, we do have one project that’s open, and we think you guys would be perfect for it. EARNEST GOES TO JAIL.”
We graciously passed. We could write sophisticated comedy but we weren’t Noel Coward.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Rewrite night survival guide
Shows are getting back into production, meaning writing staffs are once again burning the midnight oil. Some tips from a grizzled veteran:
Take-out pasta does not travel well.
Avoid chocolate covered coffee beans. Someone once brought in a box of them to the rewrite room. Two hours later seven writers were bouncing off the ceiling, pitching nonsense, pitching the Pledge of Allegiance, one guy was pitching his Haftarah.
Bananas at midnight are a good idea. The contain potassium which will help keep you up and alert.
Cheese Doodles will not.
Take a break, get out of the office, and walk around the lot. You may think it’s adding fifteen minutes to your night but considering it will clear your head, you might catch your second wind and finish sooner.
Don’t spend an hour on one joke. Always remember the big picture. Table the thorny joke until the end. First and foremost is getting the story right. Tomorrow you can fix jokes.
Beware of show runners who are recently divorced. They have nothing to go home to and thus would much prefer to hang out all night with you.
Limit cast trashing to a half hour.
If there are one or two scenes that need major work or rewriting, do those first. You don’t want to get to 1:00 AM and THEN have to start tackling the hard stuff.
If you order BBQ food for dinner you are assured a long rewrite.
If you feel the need to pop something sweet in your mouth, don’t make it an M & M, make it a Tums.
Don’t breast feed in the room unless you plan to share with everyone.
Limit other show trashing to a half hour.
Drink lots and lots of water.
If you’re at page 30 and someone says “Can we go back to page 22?” KILL this person.
Don’t stop to watch the last two minutes of the Lakers game. That’s forty minutes. And probably overtime.
And if you stop to watch the end of the Mighty Ducks game – well, you just don’t want to be there.
Red Bull is not your friend. You may think it is until you see tomorrow’s runthrough.
Don’t get hung up on tiny details. If it needs to be googled or checked for spelling or added to a scene in act one, leave it to the people staying late to proof. We call that “Proofer’s Challenge”.
Limit discussion on how rich Chuck Lorre is to fifteen minutes. No, twenty.
Late at night when you’re punchy, you may write what you think is a hilarious run. Go back in proofing and cut it in half. The guys on the BOB NEWHART SHOW did not do this and I can pretty much tell you by watching the show just what time certain bits were written. Keep the best five jokes, discard the other seven.
Cellphones off until breaks.
Once you hit 1:00 AM it’s not a bad idea to call it a night, send the cast whatever you have, come back in the morning, finish, send them the remaining pages and have a later runthrough if necessary. The amount of work leftover will be addressed faster and sharper when you’re not all fried.
And finally, if you’re there for one night in a consultant role, the phrase you need to remember and say frequently is “See it another day.”
Take-out pasta does not travel well.
Avoid chocolate covered coffee beans. Someone once brought in a box of them to the rewrite room. Two hours later seven writers were bouncing off the ceiling, pitching nonsense, pitching the Pledge of Allegiance, one guy was pitching his Haftarah.
Bananas at midnight are a good idea. The contain potassium which will help keep you up and alert.
Cheese Doodles will not.
Take a break, get out of the office, and walk around the lot. You may think it’s adding fifteen minutes to your night but considering it will clear your head, you might catch your second wind and finish sooner.
Don’t spend an hour on one joke. Always remember the big picture. Table the thorny joke until the end. First and foremost is getting the story right. Tomorrow you can fix jokes.
Beware of show runners who are recently divorced. They have nothing to go home to and thus would much prefer to hang out all night with you.
Limit cast trashing to a half hour.
If there are one or two scenes that need major work or rewriting, do those first. You don’t want to get to 1:00 AM and THEN have to start tackling the hard stuff.
If you order BBQ food for dinner you are assured a long rewrite.
If you feel the need to pop something sweet in your mouth, don’t make it an M & M, make it a Tums.
Don’t breast feed in the room unless you plan to share with everyone.
Limit other show trashing to a half hour.
Drink lots and lots of water.
If you’re at page 30 and someone says “Can we go back to page 22?” KILL this person.
Don’t stop to watch the last two minutes of the Lakers game. That’s forty minutes. And probably overtime.
And if you stop to watch the end of the Mighty Ducks game – well, you just don’t want to be there.
Red Bull is not your friend. You may think it is until you see tomorrow’s runthrough.
Don’t get hung up on tiny details. If it needs to be googled or checked for spelling or added to a scene in act one, leave it to the people staying late to proof. We call that “Proofer’s Challenge”.
Limit discussion on how rich Chuck Lorre is to fifteen minutes. No, twenty.
Late at night when you’re punchy, you may write what you think is a hilarious run. Go back in proofing and cut it in half. The guys on the BOB NEWHART SHOW did not do this and I can pretty much tell you by watching the show just what time certain bits were written. Keep the best five jokes, discard the other seven.
Cellphones off until breaks.
Once you hit 1:00 AM it’s not a bad idea to call it a night, send the cast whatever you have, come back in the morning, finish, send them the remaining pages and have a later runthrough if necessary. The amount of work leftover will be addressed faster and sharper when you’re not all fried.
And finally, if you’re there for one night in a consultant role, the phrase you need to remember and say frequently is “See it another day.”
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
the night the Warm-up guy got ugly
With Tuesday being election day, I am reminded of the election episode my partner, David and I wrote for the TONY RANDALL SHOW.
I’ll pause for a moment while you say “what the hell was the TONY RANDALL SHOW?" It was an MTM series in the late 70’s starring the late Tony Randall as a judge in Philadelphia. It’ll probably never be shown again but it was a damn funny show.
In this particular episode, Tony’s character runs for Superior Court Judge, his opponent dies during the election but too late for his name to be removed from the ballot. Lo and behold, he wins. Tony was beaten by a dead man. The show played great all week with hardly any changes. We were expecting great things.
And then on show night, in front of the audience – death, nothing, tumbleweeds, crickets.
Needless to say, we were stymied.
One of the executive producers was doing the warm-up, and was so mad he turned on the audience. (It didn’t help that the entire staff was drinking frozen margaritas in the prop room between scenes).
He started saying things like, “Hey, I think your hearse is waiting”, “Hey, wasn’t that moderately amusing?”, and the tag was Tony entering his office which was now completely empty (his furniture moved in anticipation of the certain victory) to which the warm-up man shouted at the audience, “Get it?! What’s different about that room? Anybody?”
It was only after the crowd filed out that we learned the truth. The entire audience was Hispanic, bussed in, and spoke no English.
Remember all the bad things I said about the laugh track? We sure used it that week.
I’ll pause for a moment while you say “what the hell was the TONY RANDALL SHOW?" It was an MTM series in the late 70’s starring the late Tony Randall as a judge in Philadelphia. It’ll probably never be shown again but it was a damn funny show.
In this particular episode, Tony’s character runs for Superior Court Judge, his opponent dies during the election but too late for his name to be removed from the ballot. Lo and behold, he wins. Tony was beaten by a dead man. The show played great all week with hardly any changes. We were expecting great things.
And then on show night, in front of the audience – death, nothing, tumbleweeds, crickets.
Needless to say, we were stymied.
One of the executive producers was doing the warm-up, and was so mad he turned on the audience. (It didn’t help that the entire staff was drinking frozen margaritas in the prop room between scenes).
He started saying things like, “Hey, I think your hearse is waiting”, “Hey, wasn’t that moderately amusing?”, and the tag was Tony entering his office which was now completely empty (his furniture moved in anticipation of the certain victory) to which the warm-up man shouted at the audience, “Get it?! What’s different about that room? Anybody?”
It was only after the crowd filed out that we learned the truth. The entire audience was Hispanic, bussed in, and spoke no English.
Remember all the bad things I said about the laugh track? We sure used it that week.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Another typical Hollywood story
I was doing ALMOST PERFECT, the CBS mid 90’s sitcom that starred Nancy Travis. In the show, Nancy’s character had a cat, “Charlie”. We used him in about five episodes. Then I get a call from the cat’s owner/trainer/agent. He tells me that Charlie has been offered the lead in the remake of THAT DARN CAT but I was not to fret. Charlie really liked working on the show and with us. So he’ll stay with our show if we would up his fee and guarantee him all episodes produced. Naturally I was touched by Charlie’s loyalty.
I said as much as we too loved working with Charlie and greatly admired his many talents, I would hate to stand in the way of his feature career so I passed on his offer.
Unbelievably, we somehow managed to find another gray cat that could sit in a chair.
But here’s the thing…
A year later ALMOST PERFECT gets cancelled. I’m driving home, feeling really bummed out and I gaze up at a billboard touting a certain movie. My entire cast is out of work and there’s Charlie, the fucking cat, starring in a major motion picture, staring down on me, his Cheshire-like face plastered on a HUGE billboard on the Sunset Strip.
I lost track of Charlie after that. To my knowledge he didn’t catch on in films. That business can be so cruel. He probably returned to television and if there’s any justice he’s doing ARSENIC & OLD LACE in dinner theatre somewhere in Iowa tonight.
The moral: Use a litter box because you never know who you’re going to meet on the way down.
I said as much as we too loved working with Charlie and greatly admired his many talents, I would hate to stand in the way of his feature career so I passed on his offer.
Unbelievably, we somehow managed to find another gray cat that could sit in a chair.
But here’s the thing…
A year later ALMOST PERFECT gets cancelled. I’m driving home, feeling really bummed out and I gaze up at a billboard touting a certain movie. My entire cast is out of work and there’s Charlie, the fucking cat, starring in a major motion picture, staring down on me, his Cheshire-like face plastered on a HUGE billboard on the Sunset Strip.
I lost track of Charlie after that. To my knowledge he didn’t catch on in films. That business can be so cruel. He probably returned to television and if there’s any justice he’s doing ARSENIC & OLD LACE in dinner theatre somewhere in Iowa tonight.
The moral: Use a litter box because you never know who you’re going to meet on the way down.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Unsolicited material
First off, the runthrough went great. The cast was sensational, and the show is less than four hours. More work to be done but at least I didn’t have to get out of town under the cover of darkness.
Now to the real post:
A question from reader Jeff about unsolicited material, in this case pilot ideas with outlines. He asks:
“How would I, without connections in the television industry, go about pitching these ideas to networks and cable? “
*********
First thing you should do is document on paper every facet of your idea. The more detailed the better. Then register everything with the WGA. Go to their website (listed in my links section) for instructions how. I’m not saying that people in Hollywood would rip off your idea, I’m saying they’d steal your girlfriend too.
Jeff, on the major network side, unsolicited material is a very tough sell. They rarely if ever consider it. However, with NBC snooping around internet TV sites, they may be relaxing that policy. And if one does it, the others will. But assuming at the end of the day networks say they want to look outside the box but then buy the box, more important to them than ideas are the people who will execute them. Usually writers have to be on network shows for a few years before invited to pitch pilot ideas.
That means you may have to team up with an approved writer or producer. And in all likelihood they will try to give you a buy out – a one time payoff, then tell you to go away, with no further involvement or credit. Is that okay with you? (It probably depends on how much of a payoff?)
Finding producers or show runners who will want to be attached to your project is another whole bailiwick. Connections, luck, legwork, luck, perseverance, luck.
But here’s the good news: Cable and the internet. The old rules don’t apply. No rules apply. There are so many specialized cable networks and internet services these days that they don’t have enough product to fill their schedule. (Proof of this is that there are FACTS OF LIFE marathons.) You probably won’t get rich. And your show budget may not be as high as a dinner for two at Appleby’s, but at least you’d make a sale. And from there, who knows? You could be sitting on the next DATE MY MOM.
How you get to the people in charge of programming these networks? See: how to find producers and show runners.
Jeff, if you had asked me this question five years ago I would have said you had no shot. But in today’s Chicken Little marketplace this may be the perfect time to beat the odds, sell an unsolicited pilot, and maybe even be allowed to stay with it. Best of luck. And I’ll be watching ANIMAL PLANET looking for your name.
Now to the real post:
A question from reader Jeff about unsolicited material, in this case pilot ideas with outlines. He asks:
“How would I, without connections in the television industry, go about pitching these ideas to networks and cable? “
*********
First thing you should do is document on paper every facet of your idea. The more detailed the better. Then register everything with the WGA. Go to their website (listed in my links section) for instructions how. I’m not saying that people in Hollywood would rip off your idea, I’m saying they’d steal your girlfriend too.
Jeff, on the major network side, unsolicited material is a very tough sell. They rarely if ever consider it. However, with NBC snooping around internet TV sites, they may be relaxing that policy. And if one does it, the others will. But assuming at the end of the day networks say they want to look outside the box but then buy the box, more important to them than ideas are the people who will execute them. Usually writers have to be on network shows for a few years before invited to pitch pilot ideas.
That means you may have to team up with an approved writer or producer. And in all likelihood they will try to give you a buy out – a one time payoff, then tell you to go away, with no further involvement or credit. Is that okay with you? (It probably depends on how much of a payoff?)
Finding producers or show runners who will want to be attached to your project is another whole bailiwick. Connections, luck, legwork, luck, perseverance, luck.
But here’s the good news: Cable and the internet. The old rules don’t apply. No rules apply. There are so many specialized cable networks and internet services these days that they don’t have enough product to fill their schedule. (Proof of this is that there are FACTS OF LIFE marathons.) You probably won’t get rich. And your show budget may not be as high as a dinner for two at Appleby’s, but at least you’d make a sale. And from there, who knows? You could be sitting on the next DATE MY MOM.
How you get to the people in charge of programming these networks? See: how to find producers and show runners.
Jeff, if you had asked me this question five years ago I would have said you had no shot. But in today’s Chicken Little marketplace this may be the perfect time to beat the odds, sell an unsolicited pilot, and maybe even be allowed to stay with it. Best of luck. And I’ll be watching ANIMAL PLANET looking for your name.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Stand-in theatre
Progress report on the musical I’m co-writing, the 60’s PROJECT, due to open at the Goodspeed Theatre in fabulous Chester, Ct. on Thursday night. So far, so good. Today we have our first complete runthrough. It should give us a great indication of where we are. Especially since it’ll be in a rehearsal hall, without the band, lighting, costumes, visuals, and two of the actors are out sick.
It reminds me of the last few years working on CHEERS. By that time, practically every cast member had other things to do – projects, movies, golf tournaments, guesting on other shows, pedicures, buying real estate, speaking to acting classes on the value of rehearsal, etc. So it was not uncommon to go down to the stage for a runthrough and find it was Ted Danson, the script supervisor, First AD, Second AD, prop guy, and George Wendt. We’d come back to the office for the rewrite and say “How the fuck do we know what worked or didn’t?”
My favorite moment was when one of the cast members showed up the next day after missing a runthrough, saw that a favorite line had been cut, and screamed at the crew member stand-in for killing the joke.
The sad thing is that often times that crew member delivered lines better than the actor.
Wish us luck on the runthrough.
It reminds me of the last few years working on CHEERS. By that time, practically every cast member had other things to do – projects, movies, golf tournaments, guesting on other shows, pedicures, buying real estate, speaking to acting classes on the value of rehearsal, etc. So it was not uncommon to go down to the stage for a runthrough and find it was Ted Danson, the script supervisor, First AD, Second AD, prop guy, and George Wendt. We’d come back to the office for the rewrite and say “How the fuck do we know what worked or didn’t?”
My favorite moment was when one of the cast members showed up the next day after missing a runthrough, saw that a favorite line had been cut, and screamed at the crew member stand-in for killing the joke.
The sad thing is that often times that crew member delivered lines better than the actor.
Wish us luck on the runthrough.
Friday, August 04, 2006
There IS crying in baseball
Here’s why I love minor league baseball. Friday night the Newark Bears hosted a Britney Spears Baby Safety Night to spread the message of keeping babies safe while in cars. Remember, Mensa member, Britney was recently photographed driving with her baby on her lap? And then she was spotted putting her baby in a car seat facing the wrong way.
Fans attending the game received info on baby car safety (a BIG attraction to baseball fans), and one lucky fan won a free car seat. Not a free car – a free car seat.
But here’s my favorite part – those who came dressed as a baby got in free. How hard-up do you have to be to see a free baseball game that you’d to go out in public in a diaper? Tickets, by the way, cost $9.00,
Thank God there was no big call that went against the Bears. The crying and tantrums in the crowd would have gotten really ugly. The umpire might’ve been pummeled with rattles and teething rings.
Go see a minor league game…and please, strap in your children.
Fans attending the game received info on baby car safety (a BIG attraction to baseball fans), and one lucky fan won a free car seat. Not a free car – a free car seat.
But here’s my favorite part – those who came dressed as a baby got in free. How hard-up do you have to be to see a free baseball game that you’d to go out in public in a diaper? Tickets, by the way, cost $9.00,
Thank God there was no big call that went against the Bears. The crying and tantrums in the crowd would have gotten really ugly. The umpire might’ve been pummeled with rattles and teething rings.
Go see a minor league game…and please, strap in your children.
What actors hate
As mentioned in this space before, writers need to remember that actors perform their material. And there are certain things actors hate. As a public service, when writing your script, here are some of those traps that will make for unhappy actors and by extension, an unhappy you.
Actors hate having to give exposition. It’s dry, it’s informational, it’s not fun. Unfortunately, SOMEONE has deliver the exposition. The trick is to spread it around, find ways to hide it, and make it entertaining. Necessary information woven into a joke is a great solution. Exposition itself is a great topic for a later post.
Actors don’t like just asking questions in a scene. They didn’t spend four years finding their “inner center”, “emotional truth triggers” and portraying ice cream cones just to ask questions. But sometimes there is a great temptation to do that. Actor “A” knows all this information, Actor “B” needs to know it. In real life, it’s a simple conversation of Q&A. Not in actor-life. Massage the scene so that Actor “B” has some jokes or comments, or Actor “A” shares information without being prompted.
Similarly, actors don’t like just doing set-ups for other actors’ jokes. Bud Abbott is dead. Spread around the wealth. The tough thing here is knowing Actor “A” is funny and Actor “B” is a lox. Still, you have to throw him a bone or two. Or work in some jokes in the set ups themselves. Or re-cast.
Here’s a common rookie mistake: Having an actor in a scene and not giving him a line for a page or two…or four. If he’s in the scene he needs to have a purpose and needs to be a participant. If he has no purpose, find a way to get his ass out of there. You’d think actors want as much screen time as possible but they would MUCH rather be out of a scene than be a piece of furniture in it.
Here’s a biggie: parentheticals – those little bracketed indicators that suggest the intent of the line. Most actors are irritated, even offended by them. They feel it’s their job to discover the intent. And they like the freedom to interpret the lines as they choose. That’s fine to a point. I still use this device, albeit sparingly (same with underlining specific words I want stressed) because first and foremost I want my scene to be interpreted correctly. But like I said, I am very judicious. I never indicate (angry), (sad), or (jaundiced but insouciant).
That said, you’re probably writing your script to be READ not PERFORMED (actors hate capitol letters too.) So in the interest of having a reader better understand your script and maybe buying it, you can sprinkle in a few more parentheticals. (warning) But don’t go crazy.
Actors balk at thankless roles. The best friend, the harpy-wet blanket (see any ABC comedy wife except Rosanne), the “Ralph Bellamy” boring third guy in a triangle soon to be dumped (Ralph Bellamy played this role in HIS GIRL FRIDAY and 297 other movies), and any role played by Emily Mortimer. Find a way to make these characters interesting, complex, or maybe let Ralph Bellamy get the girl.
Long speeches: Actors like ‘em and hate ‘em. They like having a big juicy emotional speech and they hate having to memorize them. Forget that human beings don’t normally speak in long speeches, if you want to give a character a big speech, fine. Don’t give him six. And give him spots to breathe.
Actors protect their characters, as well they should. Writers sometimes have the tendency to sacrifice their characters’ integrity for the sake of a big joke. I gotta side with actors on this one. Once you’ve sacrificed a character you can’t go back. Find another joke.
And finally, most actors don’t want to be seen in an unflattering light. They may voice their objections in gobs of Byzantine actor-speech, but trust me, the real issue is they don’t want to look weak, or mean, or playing the girlfriend of the Elephant Man. They can have flaws but within reason. What you need to do here is either give the characters interesting shadings, multi-dimensions (not always weak, not always giving dogs caramels to eat) or make the parts so meaty that actors suddenly would kill to play them. Villains, in particular, can be delicious, despite how hateful and cruel they are. Is there a more fun character than J.R. Ewing? Or Simon Cowell? Or my favorite champagne villain, Alan Richman in DIE HARD?
By making a concerted effort to accommodate the actors’ needs (and most of these are just good general writing tips) you stand a much better chance that the actors will embrace your script and even add to it. Their wardrobe and make up issues? That’s someone else’s problem.
Actors hate having to give exposition. It’s dry, it’s informational, it’s not fun. Unfortunately, SOMEONE has deliver the exposition. The trick is to spread it around, find ways to hide it, and make it entertaining. Necessary information woven into a joke is a great solution. Exposition itself is a great topic for a later post.
Actors don’t like just asking questions in a scene. They didn’t spend four years finding their “inner center”, “emotional truth triggers” and portraying ice cream cones just to ask questions. But sometimes there is a great temptation to do that. Actor “A” knows all this information, Actor “B” needs to know it. In real life, it’s a simple conversation of Q&A. Not in actor-life. Massage the scene so that Actor “B” has some jokes or comments, or Actor “A” shares information without being prompted.
Similarly, actors don’t like just doing set-ups for other actors’ jokes. Bud Abbott is dead. Spread around the wealth. The tough thing here is knowing Actor “A” is funny and Actor “B” is a lox. Still, you have to throw him a bone or two. Or work in some jokes in the set ups themselves. Or re-cast.
Here’s a common rookie mistake: Having an actor in a scene and not giving him a line for a page or two…or four. If he’s in the scene he needs to have a purpose and needs to be a participant. If he has no purpose, find a way to get his ass out of there. You’d think actors want as much screen time as possible but they would MUCH rather be out of a scene than be a piece of furniture in it.
Here’s a biggie: parentheticals – those little bracketed indicators that suggest the intent of the line. Most actors are irritated, even offended by them. They feel it’s their job to discover the intent. And they like the freedom to interpret the lines as they choose. That’s fine to a point. I still use this device, albeit sparingly (same with underlining specific words I want stressed) because first and foremost I want my scene to be interpreted correctly. But like I said, I am very judicious. I never indicate (angry), (sad), or (jaundiced but insouciant).
That said, you’re probably writing your script to be READ not PERFORMED (actors hate capitol letters too.) So in the interest of having a reader better understand your script and maybe buying it, you can sprinkle in a few more parentheticals. (warning) But don’t go crazy.
Actors balk at thankless roles. The best friend, the harpy-wet blanket (see any ABC comedy wife except Rosanne), the “Ralph Bellamy” boring third guy in a triangle soon to be dumped (Ralph Bellamy played this role in HIS GIRL FRIDAY and 297 other movies), and any role played by Emily Mortimer. Find a way to make these characters interesting, complex, or maybe let Ralph Bellamy get the girl.
Long speeches: Actors like ‘em and hate ‘em. They like having a big juicy emotional speech and they hate having to memorize them. Forget that human beings don’t normally speak in long speeches, if you want to give a character a big speech, fine. Don’t give him six. And give him spots to breathe.
Actors protect their characters, as well they should. Writers sometimes have the tendency to sacrifice their characters’ integrity for the sake of a big joke. I gotta side with actors on this one. Once you’ve sacrificed a character you can’t go back. Find another joke.
And finally, most actors don’t want to be seen in an unflattering light. They may voice their objections in gobs of Byzantine actor-speech, but trust me, the real issue is they don’t want to look weak, or mean, or playing the girlfriend of the Elephant Man. They can have flaws but within reason. What you need to do here is either give the characters interesting shadings, multi-dimensions (not always weak, not always giving dogs caramels to eat) or make the parts so meaty that actors suddenly would kill to play them. Villains, in particular, can be delicious, despite how hateful and cruel they are. Is there a more fun character than J.R. Ewing? Or Simon Cowell? Or my favorite champagne villain, Alan Richman in DIE HARD?
By making a concerted effort to accommodate the actors’ needs (and most of these are just good general writing tips) you stand a much better chance that the actors will embrace your script and even add to it. Their wardrobe and make up issues? That’s someone else’s problem.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Make 'em laugh AND cry
Thanks for your great response to my unsold spec, SATISFACTION. If only any of you had money. But almost as good as seeing my movie on the screen is posting segments of it on a blog.
I love writing serious emotional scenes and still sneaking in comedy. Making an audience laugh when they don’t expect it is a hoot. I’m not always successful but love the challenge. The key is that the comedy comes out of the characters. People react to stress and heartache in different ways, often unexpected, unpredictable, and sometimes funny. Finding that balance between comedy and drama can be tricky but when it works it’s really worth the effort. Here’s an attempt to do that from this script.
Set in the world of Bakersfield radio -- where contests and promotions are king -- longtime local oldies DJ, Jimmy Lizard (Steve Martin), has just died. His closest friend and former colleague is Barry (Jason Alexander). Lizard’s boss was Sandy, someone way too young to be running an oldies station.
********
INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT – DAY
Barry drags in, dumps his suitcase, hits the button on his message machine as he goes to the fridge for a beer. A BEEP, THEN:
LIZARD
Barry? It's Lizard. Thanks again for coming up. Listen, if I should, y'know ..."go", I left an envelope for you. This is my dying wish. You'll know because it says right on the front "dying wish". It's a gift to my listeners, and it would mean a lot to me. I hate to place this burden on you but hey, I can't get Halle Berry on the phone. Anyway, I really appreciate it, and hopefully you'll never have to open it. Thanks.
Another BEEP, then:
RAY
Barry, call me the minute you get this.
(can hardly say the words)
It's Lizard.
Barry falls into a chair, knowing.
INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION STATION - LATER THAT DAY
Barry signs for Lizard's envelope. He dreads having to open it. He finally does. He shakes his head. How is he going to pull this off?
INT. SANDY'S OFFICE – DAY
Sandy and Barry. Sandy clutches the letter.
SANDY
I can't do this.
BARRY
But it's his dying wish, man.
SANDY
I'm sorry, Barry, no.
BARRY
Why do you think people listen to this radio station? For the same twelve records they've heard a jillion times? Bullshit. They listen for the connection, to when their lives were young and exciting and it was all still out there ahead of 'em. That's what Jimmy provided, man. He was their connection. For 32 years. As long as you heard Jimmy's voice there were still "Big Kahuna Luaus", and "Drumathons", and endless summers, and "Daddy could never take the T- Bird away". But now it's gone. We've lost a helluva lot more than just some schmoe who played old records.
(beat)
To honor his memory... and all of ours -- this is what he wanted.
Sandy looks down at the letter. Barry knows he's got him.
EXT. BAKERSFIELD – DAY
VARIOUS BEAUTY SHOTS OF THE CITY AS THIS PLAYS ON THE AIR:
SANDY
All of us at 88/KBF were saddened today by the death of our longtime friend and colleague, Jimmy Lizard. He was a great broadcaster, a greater human being, and this station will never be the same now that he's gone.
(beat)
In accordance with his last request, Jimmy would like you, his listeners to attend his funeral tomorrow. He realized that there wouldn't be room for everyone so, again -- according to his wishes -- when you hear Gabriel's horn blow be the first caller on the Bossline and you'll score two passes to the service.
I love writing serious emotional scenes and still sneaking in comedy. Making an audience laugh when they don’t expect it is a hoot. I’m not always successful but love the challenge. The key is that the comedy comes out of the characters. People react to stress and heartache in different ways, often unexpected, unpredictable, and sometimes funny. Finding that balance between comedy and drama can be tricky but when it works it’s really worth the effort. Here’s an attempt to do that from this script.
Set in the world of Bakersfield radio -- where contests and promotions are king -- longtime local oldies DJ, Jimmy Lizard (Steve Martin), has just died. His closest friend and former colleague is Barry (Jason Alexander). Lizard’s boss was Sandy, someone way too young to be running an oldies station.
********
INT. BARRY'S APARTMENT – DAY
Barry drags in, dumps his suitcase, hits the button on his message machine as he goes to the fridge for a beer. A BEEP, THEN:
LIZARD
Barry? It's Lizard. Thanks again for coming up. Listen, if I should, y'know ..."go", I left an envelope for you. This is my dying wish. You'll know because it says right on the front "dying wish". It's a gift to my listeners, and it would mean a lot to me. I hate to place this burden on you but hey, I can't get Halle Berry on the phone. Anyway, I really appreciate it, and hopefully you'll never have to open it. Thanks.
Another BEEP, then:
RAY
Barry, call me the minute you get this.
(can hardly say the words)
It's Lizard.
Barry falls into a chair, knowing.
INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION STATION - LATER THAT DAY
Barry signs for Lizard's envelope. He dreads having to open it. He finally does. He shakes his head. How is he going to pull this off?
INT. SANDY'S OFFICE – DAY
Sandy and Barry. Sandy clutches the letter.
SANDY
I can't do this.
BARRY
But it's his dying wish, man.
SANDY
I'm sorry, Barry, no.
BARRY
Why do you think people listen to this radio station? For the same twelve records they've heard a jillion times? Bullshit. They listen for the connection, to when their lives were young and exciting and it was all still out there ahead of 'em. That's what Jimmy provided, man. He was their connection. For 32 years. As long as you heard Jimmy's voice there were still "Big Kahuna Luaus", and "Drumathons", and endless summers, and "Daddy could never take the T- Bird away". But now it's gone. We've lost a helluva lot more than just some schmoe who played old records.
(beat)
To honor his memory... and all of ours -- this is what he wanted.
Sandy looks down at the letter. Barry knows he's got him.
EXT. BAKERSFIELD – DAY
VARIOUS BEAUTY SHOTS OF THE CITY AS THIS PLAYS ON THE AIR:
SANDY
All of us at 88/KBF were saddened today by the death of our longtime friend and colleague, Jimmy Lizard. He was a great broadcaster, a greater human being, and this station will never be the same now that he's gone.
(beat)
In accordance with his last request, Jimmy would like you, his listeners to attend his funeral tomorrow. He realized that there wouldn't be room for everyone so, again -- according to his wishes -- when you hear Gabriel's horn blow be the first caller on the Bossline and you'll score two passes to the service.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
How do you guys write?
I’ve been lucky enough to be in the same partnership for 33 years. Some time ago I got a letter from a young writer named Ken Levine saying, since we had the same name, could I give him any advice? I said, “Yes, find a partner named David Isaacs.”
Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.
It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.
We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.
Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.
And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's.
We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And I mentioned last week, scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed.
Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.
There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our secretary, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”
But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.
A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money before you get divorced.
Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.
It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.
We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.
Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.
And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's.
We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And I mentioned last week, scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed.
Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.
There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our secretary, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”
But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.
A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money before you get divorced.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Louie Louie
Thanks to Dan and Steve, the Pawtucket Red Sox radio crew for inviting back to do a couple of guest innings Monday night, despite the fact that I was even more horseshit on the air than my appearance Saturday night.
But the experience has made me nostalgic for the three years I broadcast in the minors for Syracuse and Tidewater. So many characters but none more outrageous than the announcer for Louisville (who was replaced by a guy named Joe Buck). This guy, we’ll call him “Louie” had a big booming voice and a style that only can be described as carnival barker. Having crossed into middle age, Louie was still a big skirt chaser, although in those days he generally wound up getting girls in big skirts.
One day Louisville is in Des Moines. He meets some woman at the hotel and they arrange to rendezvous in the lobby at 11 PM after that night’s game.
Unfortunately, the game drags on.
The visiting broadcast booth is right next to the main area of the press box with an open window between the two. Reporters can easily hear the visiting broadcasters.
It’s 10:40. Going into the 8th. The game has at least a half hour to go, then there’s wrapping up the broadcast, shutting down the equipment, and getting back to the hotel. No way will Louie make his 11:00 tryst.
As the two teams are changing sides and the pitcher is making his warm up tosses, the reporters start to hear play-by-play coming from Louie’s booth.
“Bottom of the 8th, Jones up, swings at the first pitch. Fly ball to right. Krellman makes the catch. One out. Next up is Smith. He swings at the first pitch and hits a grounder the first. Two quick outs…” etc.
Louis begins MAKING UP the play-by-play. Sure enough, “his” game is over in ten speedy minutes and he’s out the door. Louie belongs in the “Chutzpah Hall of Fame” for that one stunt alone.
But there were many others. Among them: getting thrown out of a game by an umpire for ragging on him from the press box, getting thrown out of an NBA game and costing his team a technical foul when he did same thing during his brief tenure as the San Antonio Spurs announcer, getting fired from the Minnesota Twins for illegally promoting a drag strip nightly on the broadcast he had ties with, getting canned from a Cleveland sportstalk station for accusing a team of “Jewing down” a player’s agent, and last I heard he was doing TV weather in a small Midwestern town and was arrested for fondling some woman’s breast in a carwash.
As a writer, if you were to put Louie in a script your producer would throw it right back in your face saying he was waaaaay too implausible. And he’d be right…except in minor league baseball. Guys like Louie made all the nine hour bus rides, make up doubleheaders, and dinners at Shoneys worth it.
But the experience has made me nostalgic for the three years I broadcast in the minors for Syracuse and Tidewater. So many characters but none more outrageous than the announcer for Louisville (who was replaced by a guy named Joe Buck). This guy, we’ll call him “Louie” had a big booming voice and a style that only can be described as carnival barker. Having crossed into middle age, Louie was still a big skirt chaser, although in those days he generally wound up getting girls in big skirts.
One day Louisville is in Des Moines. He meets some woman at the hotel and they arrange to rendezvous in the lobby at 11 PM after that night’s game.
Unfortunately, the game drags on.
The visiting broadcast booth is right next to the main area of the press box with an open window between the two. Reporters can easily hear the visiting broadcasters.
It’s 10:40. Going into the 8th. The game has at least a half hour to go, then there’s wrapping up the broadcast, shutting down the equipment, and getting back to the hotel. No way will Louie make his 11:00 tryst.
As the two teams are changing sides and the pitcher is making his warm up tosses, the reporters start to hear play-by-play coming from Louie’s booth.
“Bottom of the 8th, Jones up, swings at the first pitch. Fly ball to right. Krellman makes the catch. One out. Next up is Smith. He swings at the first pitch and hits a grounder the first. Two quick outs…” etc.
Louis begins MAKING UP the play-by-play. Sure enough, “his” game is over in ten speedy minutes and he’s out the door. Louie belongs in the “Chutzpah Hall of Fame” for that one stunt alone.
But there were many others. Among them: getting thrown out of a game by an umpire for ragging on him from the press box, getting thrown out of an NBA game and costing his team a technical foul when he did same thing during his brief tenure as the San Antonio Spurs announcer, getting fired from the Minnesota Twins for illegally promoting a drag strip nightly on the broadcast he had ties with, getting canned from a Cleveland sportstalk station for accusing a team of “Jewing down” a player’s agent, and last I heard he was doing TV weather in a small Midwestern town and was arrested for fondling some woman’s breast in a carwash.
As a writer, if you were to put Louie in a script your producer would throw it right back in your face saying he was waaaaay too implausible. And he’d be right…except in minor league baseball. Guys like Louie made all the nine hour bus rides, make up doubleheaders, and dinners at Shoneys worth it.
Can't get no...
This is one of those “please indulge me” posts.
Like most scriptwriters, I’ve got a drawer full of unproduced screenplays. But now I also have a blog. So if I can’t sell these scripts I can at least occasionally share some of my favorite scenes. Here’s one from a movie I originally wrote in the late 90’s, and have been rewriting ever since. It’s a bittersweet comedy called SATISFACTION and it’s set in the exotic world of Bakersfield radio. (I know what you’re thinking – with that topic and locale how could it NOT sell??? I wonder the same thing.)
Here’s the set up: Barry (picture Jason Alexander) and Jimmy Lizard (picture Steve Martin) were DJ’s together in Bakersfield 25 years ago. Barry left town and the industry and finds himself aimless and depressed. Lizard remained a jock in Bakersfield, playing the same goddamn ten oldies all these years but has a much better attitude about the world…even though he’s now in the hospital battling Leukemia. Barry comes to visit and they have a heart-to-heart.
******
LIZARD
Y'know, Barry, you lie in bed all day facing your own mortality and listening to oldies, and you start to do a lot of thinking. Stuff you never even worried about before. The existence of God, the meaning of life, that sort of crap. And hopefully you come to some conclusion, something that gives your world a little order. And I'm happy to say I have reached just such a conclusion.
BARRY
Yeah....?
LIZARD
We all spend most of our lives doing stupid shit.
BARRY
(after a long beat)
That's it?
LIZARD
That's it.
BARRY
So what's the point?
LIZARD
There's no point. It's just a conclusion. If you take the time we use to do something productive versus the time we spend chasing some girl who doesn't exist or watching "the Amazing Race" the ratio is probably 10-1 Race. Why we're programmed like that? I don't know. I was kinda hopin' being on my deathbed would make me smarter.
BARRY
C'mon, man, you're not on your deathbed.
LIZARD
Yeah, I know. Just trying to evoke a little sympathy. When I really do go I want it to be at home. On my death futon.
BARRY
So the point here is to do more with your life. Cut down on the stupid shit.
LIZARD
No, that's not it. Because the stupid shit seems to account for all the fun in life.
(beat)
But you want a point? Here's a point. Do what makes you happy. I've used my one precious existence to be a fucking disc jockey in Bakerspatch for 32 years, and you know what? I've had a blast. I'm never going to achieve great deeds, or leave a lasting legacy, or even bang those few select women I've always longed for, but Christ, how many of us do? The odds gotta be worse than Leukemia. So you might as well dig on the stupid shit.
BARRY
(with a smile and nod)
Okay. That's good. Real good.
LIZARD
Maybe the most important words ever written are on that billboard outside of town. "Sun, fun, stay, play".
BARRY
Deep.
They sit quietly for a beat. Then:
BARRY
So who are they?
LIZARD
Who?
BARRY
Those select women you want to nail.
LIZARD
Well, that's a little personal, but...
Lizard lies back and smiles, almost picturing them.
LIZARD
Cameron Diaz and Halle Berry.
BARRY
Alright! Two of the very best.
LIZARD
Catherine Zeta-Jones...
BARRY
There's more?
LIZARD
Ann Coulter, Jennifer Garner, Linda in accounting...
BARRY
Linda in accounting?
LIZARD
Bob Harlow's wife, Bonnie Bernstein from CBS sports, Cousin Ruth, both Gilmore Girls...
BARRY
Okay, I think I got it.
LIZARD
Ellen DeGeneres just to see if I can, Sister Mary from church...
And Lizard continues what is sure to be a long long list.
Like most scriptwriters, I’ve got a drawer full of unproduced screenplays. But now I also have a blog. So if I can’t sell these scripts I can at least occasionally share some of my favorite scenes. Here’s one from a movie I originally wrote in the late 90’s, and have been rewriting ever since. It’s a bittersweet comedy called SATISFACTION and it’s set in the exotic world of Bakersfield radio. (I know what you’re thinking – with that topic and locale how could it NOT sell??? I wonder the same thing.)
Here’s the set up: Barry (picture Jason Alexander) and Jimmy Lizard (picture Steve Martin) were DJ’s together in Bakersfield 25 years ago. Barry left town and the industry and finds himself aimless and depressed. Lizard remained a jock in Bakersfield, playing the same goddamn ten oldies all these years but has a much better attitude about the world…even though he’s now in the hospital battling Leukemia. Barry comes to visit and they have a heart-to-heart.
******
LIZARD
Y'know, Barry, you lie in bed all day facing your own mortality and listening to oldies, and you start to do a lot of thinking. Stuff you never even worried about before. The existence of God, the meaning of life, that sort of crap. And hopefully you come to some conclusion, something that gives your world a little order. And I'm happy to say I have reached just such a conclusion.
BARRY
Yeah....?
LIZARD
We all spend most of our lives doing stupid shit.
BARRY
(after a long beat)
That's it?
LIZARD
That's it.
BARRY
So what's the point?
LIZARD
There's no point. It's just a conclusion. If you take the time we use to do something productive versus the time we spend chasing some girl who doesn't exist or watching "the Amazing Race" the ratio is probably 10-1 Race. Why we're programmed like that? I don't know. I was kinda hopin' being on my deathbed would make me smarter.
BARRY
C'mon, man, you're not on your deathbed.
LIZARD
Yeah, I know. Just trying to evoke a little sympathy. When I really do go I want it to be at home. On my death futon.
BARRY
So the point here is to do more with your life. Cut down on the stupid shit.
LIZARD
No, that's not it. Because the stupid shit seems to account for all the fun in life.
(beat)
But you want a point? Here's a point. Do what makes you happy. I've used my one precious existence to be a fucking disc jockey in Bakerspatch for 32 years, and you know what? I've had a blast. I'm never going to achieve great deeds, or leave a lasting legacy, or even bang those few select women I've always longed for, but Christ, how many of us do? The odds gotta be worse than Leukemia. So you might as well dig on the stupid shit.
BARRY
(with a smile and nod)
Okay. That's good. Real good.
LIZARD
Maybe the most important words ever written are on that billboard outside of town. "Sun, fun, stay, play".
BARRY
Deep.
They sit quietly for a beat. Then:
BARRY
So who are they?
LIZARD
Who?
BARRY
Those select women you want to nail.
LIZARD
Well, that's a little personal, but...
Lizard lies back and smiles, almost picturing them.
LIZARD
Cameron Diaz and Halle Berry.
BARRY
Alright! Two of the very best.
LIZARD
Catherine Zeta-Jones...
BARRY
There's more?
LIZARD
Ann Coulter, Jennifer Garner, Linda in accounting...
BARRY
Linda in accounting?
LIZARD
Bob Harlow's wife, Bonnie Bernstein from CBS sports, Cousin Ruth, both Gilmore Girls...
BARRY
Okay, I think I got it.
LIZARD
Ellen DeGeneres just to see if I can, Sister Mary from church...
And Lizard continues what is sure to be a long long list.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Saturday night in Pawtucket
Spent the night in lovely Pawtucket, Rhode Island watching the AAA Pawsox do battle with the dreaded Buffalo Bisons. Arrived back home in East Haddam, Ct. just in time for the power to go back on – 30 hours after it had gone off.
The Pawtucket announcer is Dan Hoard, who was my partner when I broadcast for Syracuse in 1988. (Quick trivia note: when David Isaacs and I wrote the episode of THE SIMPSONS where Homer becomes a minor league mascot, I played the voice of the team announcer and gave him the name Dan Hoard.)
Dan and his current partner, Steve Hyder, graciously invited me to sit in and do some play-by-play. Proud to say that even though I hadn’t announced an inning in well over a year I was still in mid-season minor league form. I screwed up a home run call and a strike out.
There’s nothing like minor league baseball and being back at McCoy Stadium. As an added touch of class, after the game they invited Boy and Girl Scout troops to pitch tents in the outfield and camp out all night while on the Diamondvision Board they showed THE ROOKIE. The whole experience made me nostalgic for my days in the bushes and some of the characters I encountered. Over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing some of these tales.
One of my favorites was on a Syracuse Chiefs broadcast the year after I had left to call games for rival Tidewater. The Chiefs were in Omaha playing the Royals. My replacement was on the air. He had this habit of looking down at his statistics and occasionally missing things. A batter, Nick Capra just got hit by a pitch. This announcer looked down at his stats to give some arcane statistic. When he looked back up at the field this is what he said, “Ohmygod! There’s a CRAZED MADMAN running out onto the field!!! No, wait. It’s the Omaha trainer.”
I don’t feel so bad about my blown home run call. If nothing else, it gave me a chance to plug the title of my book – “It’s Gone!…No, Wait a Minute.”
The Pawtucket announcer is Dan Hoard, who was my partner when I broadcast for Syracuse in 1988. (Quick trivia note: when David Isaacs and I wrote the episode of THE SIMPSONS where Homer becomes a minor league mascot, I played the voice of the team announcer and gave him the name Dan Hoard.)
Dan and his current partner, Steve Hyder, graciously invited me to sit in and do some play-by-play. Proud to say that even though I hadn’t announced an inning in well over a year I was still in mid-season minor league form. I screwed up a home run call and a strike out.
There’s nothing like minor league baseball and being back at McCoy Stadium. As an added touch of class, after the game they invited Boy and Girl Scout troops to pitch tents in the outfield and camp out all night while on the Diamondvision Board they showed THE ROOKIE. The whole experience made me nostalgic for my days in the bushes and some of the characters I encountered. Over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing some of these tales.
One of my favorites was on a Syracuse Chiefs broadcast the year after I had left to call games for rival Tidewater. The Chiefs were in Omaha playing the Royals. My replacement was on the air. He had this habit of looking down at his statistics and occasionally missing things. A batter, Nick Capra just got hit by a pitch. This announcer looked down at his stats to give some arcane statistic. When he looked back up at the field this is what he said, “Ohmygod! There’s a CRAZED MADMAN running out onto the field!!! No, wait. It’s the Omaha trainer.”
I don’t feel so bad about my blown home run call. If nothing else, it gave me a chance to plug the title of my book – “It’s Gone!…No, Wait a Minute.”
the power is out
We had a thunderstorm yesterday at 4:30 and power went out. It's still out. So no post today but what a wonderful chance to browse through my archives. Hopefully, if I can get the hamster hooked up there'll be a post tomorrow.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Overwriting and why it's bad to write more than you need to make the same point
When reading a spec, one of the most common traps I see young writers falling into is overwriting. “Marshall’s Brother” (see yesterday’s post) may be rotten it’s economical. (I’m proud to say it’s well crafted shit.)
When I receive a spec the first thing I always do is check its length. If I get a hernia lifting it, that’s not good. A comedy screenplay should be no more than 120 pages and that’s stretching it. Sitcoms vary depending on the rhythm and format of the show. But if you write a spec EARL and it’s 50 pages, I can tell you sight unseen it’s waaaay too long. WINGS scripts (multi-camera) generally topped out in the low 40’s. When I was consulting on the show we had a writer who routinely turned in 65 page drafts. His rationale was that he gave us choices. We could whittle it down to the best 42 pages. Fine and dandy except THAT’S HIS JOB!!! If you can’t tell your story in the allotted time then maybe you’re not telling the story right. Or there’s too much story and that has to be addressed.
The only thing worse than a TV script of screenplay that’s overwritten is a stage play. Plays have no length requirement so the playwright has free reign to torture us long into next month. When a two character piece about what to pack for a vacation is longer than NICHOLAS NICKLEBY that should be a clue.
And then there’s the dialogue.
This may sound obvious but worth stating anyway: Always remember that actors have to perform your script.
Soooo many times I’ll see full page speeches with sentences so long and complicated that no human being on earth could ever deliver them. And certainly not in one breath. Read your script out loud. If you need CPR by the end of a speech, rethink. Dialogue has to sound natural, conversational. And rarely do we speak in big whoppin’ speeches.
When writing a TV spec, writers often go overboard on character quirks. They’ll hear Frasier utter something a little flowery and think that every word out of his mouth has to be Noel Coward. In fairness, shows themselves get caught up in that trap. On MASH the tendency to give every line a spin evolved into absurdity. In a later season (after I had left the series) Potter once said to Klinger, “It was curiosity that KO’d the feline.” WTF?? Who would ever say that? And why?
There is a tendency to want to impress by working in all kinds of complex themes and philosophies – show how you’re the next Paddy Chayefsky. In truth, it’s your inexperience not intellect that’s being put on display. If long intricate theories and complicated Byzantine ideas are your cup of tea, write a book.
More often than not these long speeches have characters express in detail their emotions and attitudes. Not only is it taxing to listen to this balloon juice it also gives the actor nothing to play. Might as well go on to the next scene. Sometimes a look or a gesture can say volumes more a two page speech that James Joyce would find too convoluted.
Whenever my partner, David and I go back to polish a draft we thin out the big speeches. If the speech is 14 lines we make it 11, if it’s 11 lines we make it 9. There are ALWAYS trims.
Same is true in stage direction. A reader sees a big block of stage direction I GUARANTEE he will not read it. You could describe a sex act in detail and he’ll flip the page.
As a rule it’s better to underwrite than overwrite. We have an expression. We like “open pages”. Much more white than type. This may sound obvious too but: You don’t get paid by the word.
Go back through your script. I bet you could lose two pages. (Probably page 8 and one other.)
When I receive a spec the first thing I always do is check its length. If I get a hernia lifting it, that’s not good. A comedy screenplay should be no more than 120 pages and that’s stretching it. Sitcoms vary depending on the rhythm and format of the show. But if you write a spec EARL and it’s 50 pages, I can tell you sight unseen it’s waaaay too long. WINGS scripts (multi-camera) generally topped out in the low 40’s. When I was consulting on the show we had a writer who routinely turned in 65 page drafts. His rationale was that he gave us choices. We could whittle it down to the best 42 pages. Fine and dandy except THAT’S HIS JOB!!! If you can’t tell your story in the allotted time then maybe you’re not telling the story right. Or there’s too much story and that has to be addressed.
The only thing worse than a TV script of screenplay that’s overwritten is a stage play. Plays have no length requirement so the playwright has free reign to torture us long into next month. When a two character piece about what to pack for a vacation is longer than NICHOLAS NICKLEBY that should be a clue.
And then there’s the dialogue.
This may sound obvious but worth stating anyway: Always remember that actors have to perform your script.
Soooo many times I’ll see full page speeches with sentences so long and complicated that no human being on earth could ever deliver them. And certainly not in one breath. Read your script out loud. If you need CPR by the end of a speech, rethink. Dialogue has to sound natural, conversational. And rarely do we speak in big whoppin’ speeches.
When writing a TV spec, writers often go overboard on character quirks. They’ll hear Frasier utter something a little flowery and think that every word out of his mouth has to be Noel Coward. In fairness, shows themselves get caught up in that trap. On MASH the tendency to give every line a spin evolved into absurdity. In a later season (after I had left the series) Potter once said to Klinger, “It was curiosity that KO’d the feline.” WTF?? Who would ever say that? And why?
There is a tendency to want to impress by working in all kinds of complex themes and philosophies – show how you’re the next Paddy Chayefsky. In truth, it’s your inexperience not intellect that’s being put on display. If long intricate theories and complicated Byzantine ideas are your cup of tea, write a book.
More often than not these long speeches have characters express in detail their emotions and attitudes. Not only is it taxing to listen to this balloon juice it also gives the actor nothing to play. Might as well go on to the next scene. Sometimes a look or a gesture can say volumes more a two page speech that James Joyce would find too convoluted.
Whenever my partner, David and I go back to polish a draft we thin out the big speeches. If the speech is 14 lines we make it 11, if it’s 11 lines we make it 9. There are ALWAYS trims.
Same is true in stage direction. A reader sees a big block of stage direction I GUARANTEE he will not read it. You could describe a sex act in detail and he’ll flip the page.
As a rule it’s better to underwrite than overwrite. We have an expression. We like “open pages”. Much more white than type. This may sound obvious too but: You don’t get paid by the word.
Go back through your script. I bet you could lose two pages. (Probably page 8 and one other.)
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
My worst script
In 1993 my writing partner, David Isaacs and I did a short run series for CBS called BIG WAVE DAVE’S starring Adam Arkin and David Morse. It ran that summer, got 19 shares, kept 100% of MURPHY BROWN’S audience and was cancelled. At the time CBS had starring vehicles in the wings for Peter Scolari, Bronson Pinchot, and the always hilarious Faye Dunaway so they didn’t need us.
We were given a production order of six with three back-up scripts. We assigned the first two back-ups to our staff and planned on writing the third ourselves. When the show was cancelled we put in to CBS to get paid for the additional scripts. They said fine, but we had to turn in the completed scripts. Gulp! That was fine for the first two scripts because the writers already had drafts. But all David and I had was a title, “Marshall’s Brother” (Arkin was Marshall).
We normally write scripts by dictating them to our assistant. (Lots of advantages to this rather weird method which I can discuss in a future post.) Having done this for so long we can usually write a half hour episode in three to five days. We called our assistant into the office and told her we were going to write a script before lunch. It was 11:30.
We had one ground rule. Anything pitched had to go into the script. There was no going back, not even to clean up a sentence. We came up with the idea that Marshall’s brother (Bill) had a hearing problem. Okay, we’re not proud of it, we know it’s not very PC, but this script was never to be produced, and we had a lunch reservation. A few weeks ago I shared some of our best scenes. Here’s one of our all-time worst.
BILL ENTERS.
MARSHALL
Hey, Bill.
BILL
What?
MARSHALL
I said hi.
BILL
Huh?
MARSHALL
Hi.
BILL
Can’t understand you.
MARSHALL
Hello!!!!
BILL
Oh. Hello to you. How you feeling?
MARSHALL
Fine.
BILL
Huh?
MARSHALL
I’m fine!!
BILL
Where’s Karen?
MARSHALL
In the back.
BILL
Huh?
MARSHALL
In the back.
BILL
In the sack?
MARSHALL
No. The back room.
BILL
Why is she sleeping so late?
MARSHALL
She’s not in bed.
BILL
She hurt her head?
*******
And so on for 42 of the most rotten pages in comedy writing history.
We finished the script in about 17 minutes, turned it in, got paid, but deep in my heart I know – one day, thousands of years from now, long after some global thermonuclear disaster, someone will discover this vault, open it, and the only thing left of my work, my one lasting legacy, will be the “Marshall’s Brother” episode of BIG WAVE DAVE’S.
I wish now we had taken our time and finished it in 23 minutes.
We were given a production order of six with three back-up scripts. We assigned the first two back-ups to our staff and planned on writing the third ourselves. When the show was cancelled we put in to CBS to get paid for the additional scripts. They said fine, but we had to turn in the completed scripts. Gulp! That was fine for the first two scripts because the writers already had drafts. But all David and I had was a title, “Marshall’s Brother” (Arkin was Marshall).
We normally write scripts by dictating them to our assistant. (Lots of advantages to this rather weird method which I can discuss in a future post.) Having done this for so long we can usually write a half hour episode in three to five days. We called our assistant into the office and told her we were going to write a script before lunch. It was 11:30.
We had one ground rule. Anything pitched had to go into the script. There was no going back, not even to clean up a sentence. We came up with the idea that Marshall’s brother (Bill) had a hearing problem. Okay, we’re not proud of it, we know it’s not very PC, but this script was never to be produced, and we had a lunch reservation. A few weeks ago I shared some of our best scenes. Here’s one of our all-time worst.
BILL ENTERS.
MARSHALL
Hey, Bill.
BILL
What?
MARSHALL
I said hi.
BILL
Huh?
MARSHALL
Hi.
BILL
Can’t understand you.
MARSHALL
Hello!!!!
BILL
Oh. Hello to you. How you feeling?
MARSHALL
Fine.
BILL
Huh?
MARSHALL
I’m fine!!
BILL
Where’s Karen?
MARSHALL
In the back.
BILL
Huh?
MARSHALL
In the back.
BILL
In the sack?
MARSHALL
No. The back room.
BILL
Why is she sleeping so late?
MARSHALL
She’s not in bed.
BILL
She hurt her head?
*******
And so on for 42 of the most rotten pages in comedy writing history.
We finished the script in about 17 minutes, turned it in, got paid, but deep in my heart I know – one day, thousands of years from now, long after some global thermonuclear disaster, someone will discover this vault, open it, and the only thing left of my work, my one lasting legacy, will be the “Marshall’s Brother” episode of BIG WAVE DAVE’S.
I wish now we had taken our time and finished it in 23 minutes.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Can the canned laughter
A reader, Rob, asked what I thought of the dreaded “laugh track”. The MASH DVD’s give you option to watch with or without. Which would be my recommendation?
Definitely: watch without the laugh track.
The only major disagreement the show ever had with CBS was over the laugh track. The “Eye” insisted upon it. I would always say, “where are all these people who are laughing at the chopper pad? Are they in bleachers just off camera? Are they under Hot Lips’ bed when she and Frank are having a private moment? Are they hiding in the still in the Swamp?”
The only concession the network made was that we could eliminate the laugh track during OR scenes. Great for us since as MASH fans all know, our big block comedy scenes were always during operating sessions.
Network thinking about laugh tracks is this: When you see a comedy movie in a theatre you are surrounded by people laughing. The laugh track helps recreate that communal experience when you’re sitting in your home alone. For fifty years networks have stuck by this theory despite not one shred of evidence to suggest it is valid.
Finally, now, networks are beginning to come around. Audiences have loudly stated they want new rhythms in sitcoms. They’ve also said they hate laugh tracks. And since some of the recent better comedies (like SCRUBS and the OFFICE) don’t use one and are embraced, networks are relaxing their yuck box choke hold.
Personally, I think a lot of credit should go to HBO. Their comedies (like SEX IN THE CITY) didn’t employ laugh tracks, and what do you know? Audiences were able to recognize that they were watching comedies all on their own. Networks tend not to be ahead of the curve.
For multi-camera shows there are actual live studio audiences laughing at the material. (On CHEERS we had to announce at the top of the show that we “were filmed in front of a live studio audience” because the public didn’t believe our laughs were real…although they were.)
The problem comes when you do multiple takes or pick-ups? How do you blend one performance with another? The answer is “sweetening”, adding a little laugh track to smooth out the transitions. The danger is to sweeten a little too much or embellish laughs that weren’t as big as the producers hoped.
And they’re not fooling anybody.
You know what’s funny and if a laugh track is orgasmic over a bad joke it’s not going to fool you into laughing yourself. Instead, it’s going to make you think the show is bogus. Laugh tracks are one of the reasons multi-camera shows are now an endangered species.
One final note: On CHEERS and FRASIER we used recorded laughs from our own shows. Not so with other series. A lot of the laughs you hear were recorded fifty years ago. Many of the people you hear laughing are now dead.
Talk about leaving a legacy. Grandma may now be a distant memory but she’s still with us, every week, laughing at Jim Belushi.
Definitely: watch without the laugh track.
The only major disagreement the show ever had with CBS was over the laugh track. The “Eye” insisted upon it. I would always say, “where are all these people who are laughing at the chopper pad? Are they in bleachers just off camera? Are they under Hot Lips’ bed when she and Frank are having a private moment? Are they hiding in the still in the Swamp?”
The only concession the network made was that we could eliminate the laugh track during OR scenes. Great for us since as MASH fans all know, our big block comedy scenes were always during operating sessions.
Network thinking about laugh tracks is this: When you see a comedy movie in a theatre you are surrounded by people laughing. The laugh track helps recreate that communal experience when you’re sitting in your home alone. For fifty years networks have stuck by this theory despite not one shred of evidence to suggest it is valid.
Finally, now, networks are beginning to come around. Audiences have loudly stated they want new rhythms in sitcoms. They’ve also said they hate laugh tracks. And since some of the recent better comedies (like SCRUBS and the OFFICE) don’t use one and are embraced, networks are relaxing their yuck box choke hold.
Personally, I think a lot of credit should go to HBO. Their comedies (like SEX IN THE CITY) didn’t employ laugh tracks, and what do you know? Audiences were able to recognize that they were watching comedies all on their own. Networks tend not to be ahead of the curve.
For multi-camera shows there are actual live studio audiences laughing at the material. (On CHEERS we had to announce at the top of the show that we “were filmed in front of a live studio audience” because the public didn’t believe our laughs were real…although they were.)
The problem comes when you do multiple takes or pick-ups? How do you blend one performance with another? The answer is “sweetening”, adding a little laugh track to smooth out the transitions. The danger is to sweeten a little too much or embellish laughs that weren’t as big as the producers hoped.
And they’re not fooling anybody.
You know what’s funny and if a laugh track is orgasmic over a bad joke it’s not going to fool you into laughing yourself. Instead, it’s going to make you think the show is bogus. Laugh tracks are one of the reasons multi-camera shows are now an endangered species.
One final note: On CHEERS and FRASIER we used recorded laughs from our own shows. Not so with other series. A lot of the laughs you hear were recorded fifty years ago. Many of the people you hear laughing are now dead.
Talk about leaving a legacy. Grandma may now be a distant memory but she’s still with us, every week, laughing at Jim Belushi.
What's on my desk?
A question for writers that has been circulating the blogosphere recently is “what’s on your desk?” Since I’m in Connecticut I will have to answer by memory.
My iMac desktop computer (the half egg shell model with the monitor on a Pixar type neck, that was so cool until the new model and now it’s passé).
Mouse on a UCLA mouse pad.
External Hard Drive (back up EVERYTHING, people).
Printer.
Froggy Gremlin childhood toy.
Bob Hope in Dodger uniform bobblehead. (which makes as much sense as Odalis Perez in a Dodger uniform.)
Cup o’ pens.
Fathers Day cards.
Family photos.
A Gary Larson FAR SIDE card showing the BEWITCHED writing staff brainstorming in the fourth season. Brilliant notions like: “What if Endora casts a spell on Darren?”
Allstate accident report I was supposed to fill out in 2003.
Plastic Bob’s Big Boy (I’m a Bob’s Big Boy fanatic and can never figure out why that checkered jumpsuit look didn’t catch on.)
Five old drafts of my musical, with practically every page dog eared.
XM radio program guide.
A hard bound copy of GREAT PRETENDERS: MY STRANGE LOVE AFFAIR WITH ‘50’s POP MUSIC by Karen Schoemer. (Fun reading. I recommend it.)
My SPORTS ILLUSTRATED 2006 swimsuit model desk calendar. I can’t wait for another Michelle Alves week.
A spec pilot from my rabbi.
A spindle of CD’s that includes albums from Frank Zappa and Joanie Sommers.
Dodger Stadium and Pauley Pavilion replica paperweights.
Lucite encased picture of me with AfterMASH writing staff (that includes Larry Gelbart).
Vintage typewriter from 1890 with the carriage return arm on the right side. Still easier to write on than using FINAL DRAFT.
93/KHJ Boss Radio mike flag.
Box of brads and paper clips.
My bobblehead collection which includes Harry Caray, Speedy Alka-Seltzer, and Jesus Christ.
Emmy consideration Linda Eder interviews horse lovers ANIMAL PLANET DVD.
And -- Oh God – I think there’s still a sandwich.
My iMac desktop computer (the half egg shell model with the monitor on a Pixar type neck, that was so cool until the new model and now it’s passé).
Mouse on a UCLA mouse pad.
External Hard Drive (back up EVERYTHING, people).
Printer.
Froggy Gremlin childhood toy.
Bob Hope in Dodger uniform bobblehead. (which makes as much sense as Odalis Perez in a Dodger uniform.)
Cup o’ pens.
Fathers Day cards.
Family photos.
A Gary Larson FAR SIDE card showing the BEWITCHED writing staff brainstorming in the fourth season. Brilliant notions like: “What if Endora casts a spell on Darren?”
Allstate accident report I was supposed to fill out in 2003.
Plastic Bob’s Big Boy (I’m a Bob’s Big Boy fanatic and can never figure out why that checkered jumpsuit look didn’t catch on.)
Five old drafts of my musical, with practically every page dog eared.
XM radio program guide.
A hard bound copy of GREAT PRETENDERS: MY STRANGE LOVE AFFAIR WITH ‘50’s POP MUSIC by Karen Schoemer. (Fun reading. I recommend it.)
My SPORTS ILLUSTRATED 2006 swimsuit model desk calendar. I can’t wait for another Michelle Alves week.
A spec pilot from my rabbi.
A spindle of CD’s that includes albums from Frank Zappa and Joanie Sommers.
Dodger Stadium and Pauley Pavilion replica paperweights.
Lucite encased picture of me with AfterMASH writing staff (that includes Larry Gelbart).
Vintage typewriter from 1890 with the carriage return arm on the right side. Still easier to write on than using FINAL DRAFT.
93/KHJ Boss Radio mike flag.
Box of brads and paper clips.
My bobblehead collection which includes Harry Caray, Speedy Alka-Seltzer, and Jesus Christ.
Emmy consideration Linda Eder interviews horse lovers ANIMAL PLANET DVD.
And -- Oh God – I think there’s still a sandwich.
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