Back from five weeks in East Haddam, Ct. and nearby Chester, Ct. where the musical I’ve co-written, THE 60’s PROJECT is in production. My eternal gratitude to Michael Price and the super folks at the Goodspeed Theatre for their hospitality. support, and bug balm. I’ve never worked with a classier, more professional bunch.
If you love Americana (which I do more than just about anything other than money), the “Nutmeg State” is for you. And Sourtheastern Connecticut was particularly beautiful and affectionately goofy.
Stayed at a lovely apartment. Very tastefully furnished. Naked drawings and statues throughout. Even the drinking glasses featured topless women. It’s like I was in my own house.
A local pet store sells reptiles and “critters”. And if you buy a cage they’ll give you two free “long haired dwarf mice.”
Roadside sign spotted: SCENIC ROUTE, NEXT 0.3 MILES.
A fork in the road -- one sign points to Camp Beth El, the other to Christian camps.
There are few Cajun places in the south as good as the New Orleans restaurant in Old Saybrook. Their noontime special is a FAT ASS LUNCH. I qualified.
“Casual” is another name for “fried” when it comes to funky fun seafood restaurants. Lenny & Joe’s is the best.
People could not be nicer.
Keep a can of OFF with you at all times.
If there’s a ten minute thunderstorm anywhere in Connecticut, power and cable goes off for the entire state. Usually for 24-30 hours. The state symbol should be a flashlight.
As green and lush and gorgeous as this place is in the summer I bet the fall is even better. With all the salt in the Connecticut River the red and gold colors of autumn must be extra striking and vivid.
If you go to Killingworth, take a drive down Roast Meat Hill Road. I’m not kidding. There’s really a Roast Meat Hill Road.
The Merchant House on US 154 sells Vera Bradley apparel (e.g. purses) and fireworks. Ideal for milady terrorist.
The local East Haddam liquor store closes at 8. And all day Sunday. Blue laws are still in effect. You don’t see a lot of Yale students here.
My 60’s PROJECT writing partner, Janet, got a manicure where the top coat was hoof veneer. Beware any beauty parlor where their celebrity clientele includes Secretariat.
Take I-84 to New York. The highway is smooth as glass. The second you cross into New York state you hit potholes.
Boy, they love Nathan Hale. One good quote (“I regret that I have but one life to give for my country”) and the guy is a God. Attractions include his house, his school house, his barbershop, the Dairy Queen where he used to make Blizzards.
Connecticut is also the birthplace of Anika Noni Rose who will become a big star after DREAMGIRLS is released.
The Tylerville convenience store sells worms in the freezer section between Ben & Jerry ice cream and tater tots. There’s something terribly wrong when worms are more expensive than long haired dwarf mice.
Towns have colorful names like Moodus and Old Lyme (the actual home of Lyme Disease).
I felt like I was in Twin Peaks. And come to think of it, after the first week, I never saw Laura Palmer. Hmmmm?
At the local Bank of America drive-thru ATM I waited in line behind a motorcycle gang. Guess they needed some extra cash for new chains.
Good morning! The menu at a Middletown diner leads off with “Breakfast Cocktails.” If you go out for pancakes, better have a designated driver.
Do not pass a market without stocking up on bug spray.
Most restaurants close on Monday nights. Every one that is open sells pizza.
Big tourist attraction in East Haddam is the Gillette castle. I can just picture their knights, all using swords with the patented four blades for a smoother, closer kill.
There is not yet a Starbucks in every small town. This might not be true by the time you read this.
Sign in Centerbrook: CALIMARI RECYCLING. From what TO what???
The ambience is very New England. By that I mean a Dunkin’ Donuts on every corner. And their coffee is FAR better than Starbucks.
All you see are people on motorcycles. What you never see are motorcycle helmets. They should rename one of the more treacherous streets Motorcycle Meat Hill Road.
If you bought a house here in 1792 you could sell it today for at least double what you paid for it.
There is better cellphone service in Antarctica than Southeastern Connecticut.
Had lunch at the Griswold Inn in Essex, which claims to be the oldest Inn in America – serving since 1776. There must be a hundred old Inns on the East Coast making that same claim. This one had the very first hand blower in their bathroom. But at the time it was just a guy who blew onto your hands.
If you’re hungry, haven’t eaten in four days and only have one dollar, spend it on mosquito netting.
Larry, Darryl, & Darryl are alive and work at every gas station in the state.
There are wonderful hiking trails. You can see nature at its finest and discover Laura Palmer’s body.
A lot of these small towns look like movie sets. If you like bed & breakfasts, Laura Ashley-like dress shops, tchochkes, and cemeteries this is your heaven.
Some big Indian casinos nearby. For you history buffs, Tony Orlando is appearing frequently.
Based on the number of sightings, I’m beginning to think Connecticut is an Indian word for road kill.
There is a Goodspeed airport in East Haddam. One Cessna, a red shack that says 42B on the roof (no running through long terminals trying to make connections.) and a burned out Quonset hut (the “Admirals Club”). It still takes two hours to get through security. Only airport employee is Grizzly Adams on a tractor demanding $5 landing fees.
In Deep River the ice cream parlor is next door to the tattoo parlor. Perfect for the motorcycle gang that has a sweet tooth.
Only passed through New Haven. Wanted to stop by that venerable jewel of the Ivy League, Yale and tell the students to stop trying to be comedy writers. Go into law or politics for Christsakes! You’re at Yale!
And never got to Hartford. Didn’t want to fight all the tourists stampeding to the Insurance Capital of the World.
But in five lovely weeks I’m sure I saw all the major attractions of the Nutmeg State…except, now that I think about it, nutmeg.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
SEINFELD
A viewer wondered what I thought of SEINFELD. I would rate it one of the greatest series of all-time for the masturbation episode alone! (Plus, it fits into my belief of “write what you know”)
SEINFELD is one of the very few shows to truly have a VOICE. The show created its own world. It’s own logic. It set its own rules – primarily by shattering existing ones. Contrivances, conveniences, stories about nothing, characters never growing or learning, Jews – SEINFELD shattered all the taboos.
In today’s television landscape I don’t know what’s harder – coming up with an inspired vision or holding onto it. There is SO much interference these days, so many notes from so many people. Just remembering what your vision was takes a Herculean effort.
Quick aside: years ago my partner, David, and I were doing a pilot for Paramount. After the network runthrough we got the requisite blizzard of notes from the network and studio brass and suddenly the Paramount Facilities Manager weighs in with a bunch of lines and moments that “concerned” him. WTF?? I was pissed. I gently stopped him and said, “Excuse me, do I tell you which stage to assign?”
SEINFELD is exactly the kind of comedy networks say they want and should be airing but they’ve now created an interference infrastructure that makes it impossible to mount the next one.
Consider SEINFELD’s origin. In the late 80’s, Jerry Seinfeld was a frequent guest host of the TONIGHT SHOW. NBC thought he might make a good candidate to replace Johnny Carson after he had retired. They wanted to keep Jerry in the fold. To throw him a bone they let him have a situation comedy. The original order was for six. Jerry chose sitcom neophyte, Larry David to create and run it. The network didn’t really care. It was just an exercise anyway. (At first he was paired with sitcom vet, Fred Barron but that lasted maybe eleven seconds.)
They made the six episodes. The network hated them. The testing came back. Lowest EVER. The network buried the show. They waited a year to air them. But the response wasn’t horrible (among the very few people who even saw them, buried in a bad time slot), Carson was still hanging on, Jerry was getting antsy, so NBC ordered a few more.
And so it went for a few years. Positive buzz started building as people discovered this gem of a show and when the network moved it to Thursdays at 9:30 behind top rated CHEERS it really took off. And then of course, all these network executives who hated it, never understood it, and tried to kill it now took credit for it.
Hatching a successful sitcom is like winning the lottery. So many things have to fall in place, so many amazing people have to all be available to come together at the same time. What if Jason Alexander happened to be attached to another pilot? What if Larry David didn’t know Michael Richards from their days together on ABC’S FRIDAYS? What if Larry David were writing a movie and didn’t have time to create a TV show? Or if Carson wasn’t planning to retire? Or if NBC thought Johnny’s heir apparent should be Gallagher?
I marvel at SEINFELD. It’s hilarious, it’s inspired, it’s revolutionary, but most of all, it was given a rare opportunity (maybe one that will never come again) and it DELIEVERED. It truly was the “master of its own domain”.
SEINFELD is one of the very few shows to truly have a VOICE. The show created its own world. It’s own logic. It set its own rules – primarily by shattering existing ones. Contrivances, conveniences, stories about nothing, characters never growing or learning, Jews – SEINFELD shattered all the taboos.
In today’s television landscape I don’t know what’s harder – coming up with an inspired vision or holding onto it. There is SO much interference these days, so many notes from so many people. Just remembering what your vision was takes a Herculean effort.
Quick aside: years ago my partner, David, and I were doing a pilot for Paramount. After the network runthrough we got the requisite blizzard of notes from the network and studio brass and suddenly the Paramount Facilities Manager weighs in with a bunch of lines and moments that “concerned” him. WTF?? I was pissed. I gently stopped him and said, “Excuse me, do I tell you which stage to assign?”
SEINFELD is exactly the kind of comedy networks say they want and should be airing but they’ve now created an interference infrastructure that makes it impossible to mount the next one.
Consider SEINFELD’s origin. In the late 80’s, Jerry Seinfeld was a frequent guest host of the TONIGHT SHOW. NBC thought he might make a good candidate to replace Johnny Carson after he had retired. They wanted to keep Jerry in the fold. To throw him a bone they let him have a situation comedy. The original order was for six. Jerry chose sitcom neophyte, Larry David to create and run it. The network didn’t really care. It was just an exercise anyway. (At first he was paired with sitcom vet, Fred Barron but that lasted maybe eleven seconds.)
They made the six episodes. The network hated them. The testing came back. Lowest EVER. The network buried the show. They waited a year to air them. But the response wasn’t horrible (among the very few people who even saw them, buried in a bad time slot), Carson was still hanging on, Jerry was getting antsy, so NBC ordered a few more.
And so it went for a few years. Positive buzz started building as people discovered this gem of a show and when the network moved it to Thursdays at 9:30 behind top rated CHEERS it really took off. And then of course, all these network executives who hated it, never understood it, and tried to kill it now took credit for it.
Hatching a successful sitcom is like winning the lottery. So many things have to fall in place, so many amazing people have to all be available to come together at the same time. What if Jason Alexander happened to be attached to another pilot? What if Larry David didn’t know Michael Richards from their days together on ABC’S FRIDAYS? What if Larry David were writing a movie and didn’t have time to create a TV show? Or if Carson wasn’t planning to retire? Or if NBC thought Johnny’s heir apparent should be Gallagher?
I marvel at SEINFELD. It’s hilarious, it’s inspired, it’s revolutionary, but most of all, it was given a rare opportunity (maybe one that will never come again) and it DELIEVERED. It truly was the “master of its own domain”.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Fall Movie Preview Part Three
Here’s the conclusion of my Fall Movie Preview. I know I’m leaving out THE GRUDGE 2 but that’s on purpose.
THE FLOCK – Richard Gere as an agent in charge of monitoring sex offenders. LAW & ORDER: SVU with a hammy over-praised movie star. At least he doesn’t dance.
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 3-D – If successful expect NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 2-3-D.
DREAMGIRLS – movie version of stage musical about a Supremes type singing group. AMERICAN IDOL should-have-been-winner, Jennifer Hudson plays Diana Ross type character. To research for the role Jennifer slept with Barry Gordy, Smokey Robinson, all of the Temptations, Miracles, and all the other Supremes’ boyfriends.
LASSIE – Peter O’Toole in the title role.
VENUS – Peter O’Toole in the title role.
PUSH CART MAN – Street vendor in New York City. How did this blockbuster not come out in the summer?
APOCALYPTO – Mel Gibson written & directed movie moved from summer release to now to coincide with his Jew hating comments. I won’t see this movie or ever speak again to anyone who does.
ERAGON – love story between a teenage boy and female dragon. I assume there are special effects. It’s SPLASH except she can light BBQ’s.
THE PAINTED VEIL – Naomi Watt’s trades in King Kong for another monster, Edward Norton.
ROCKY BALBOA – Guess they ran out of numerals.
PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS – Will Smith and real life son in bonding movie hopefully not about preparing for the national Spelling Bee.
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM – Ben Stiller plays a security guard at the New York Natural History Museum. Co-stars Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, and Bill Cobbs as dinosaurs that come to life when the museum closes.
THE NATIVITY STORY – No logline provided so I have no idea what it’s about.
MISS POTTER – Hoping to lure Harry Potter fans who don’t pay much attention. It’s the story of Peter Rabbit author, Beatrix Potter. Word is: great script and Oscar snatching performance by Rene Zellweger.
And finally, the picture we’ve all been waiting for…
FEAST – The Project Greenlight movie buried longer than King Tut. Monster movie set in a bar. Debut director John Gulager’s unintentional tribute to Ed Wood.
See ya at the movies! Or at least the mailbox swapping Netflix.
THE FLOCK – Richard Gere as an agent in charge of monitoring sex offenders. LAW & ORDER: SVU with a hammy over-praised movie star. At least he doesn’t dance.
NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 3-D – If successful expect NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD 2-3-D.
DREAMGIRLS – movie version of stage musical about a Supremes type singing group. AMERICAN IDOL should-have-been-winner, Jennifer Hudson plays Diana Ross type character. To research for the role Jennifer slept with Barry Gordy, Smokey Robinson, all of the Temptations, Miracles, and all the other Supremes’ boyfriends.
LASSIE – Peter O’Toole in the title role.
VENUS – Peter O’Toole in the title role.
PUSH CART MAN – Street vendor in New York City. How did this blockbuster not come out in the summer?
APOCALYPTO – Mel Gibson written & directed movie moved from summer release to now to coincide with his Jew hating comments. I won’t see this movie or ever speak again to anyone who does.
ERAGON – love story between a teenage boy and female dragon. I assume there are special effects. It’s SPLASH except she can light BBQ’s.
THE PAINTED VEIL – Naomi Watt’s trades in King Kong for another monster, Edward Norton.
ROCKY BALBOA – Guess they ran out of numerals.
PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS – Will Smith and real life son in bonding movie hopefully not about preparing for the national Spelling Bee.
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM – Ben Stiller plays a security guard at the New York Natural History Museum. Co-stars Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, and Bill Cobbs as dinosaurs that come to life when the museum closes.
THE NATIVITY STORY – No logline provided so I have no idea what it’s about.
MISS POTTER – Hoping to lure Harry Potter fans who don’t pay much attention. It’s the story of Peter Rabbit author, Beatrix Potter. Word is: great script and Oscar snatching performance by Rene Zellweger.
And finally, the picture we’ve all been waiting for…
FEAST – The Project Greenlight movie buried longer than King Tut. Monster movie set in a bar. Debut director John Gulager’s unintentional tribute to Ed Wood.
See ya at the movies! Or at least the mailbox swapping Netflix.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Fall Movie Preview Part Two
More Fall Movies and what to expect.
HOLLYWOODLAND – Did TV’s Superman, George Reeves kill himself or was he murdered in 1959? That’s one of the mysteries. But the bigger mystery is who in his right mind cast Ben Affleck to play Superman? Should be a riot.
A GOOD YEAR – A Russell Crowe comedy (isn’t that an oxymoron?). Re-teaming with Ridley Scott. Length issues forced them to cut all the jokes in GLADIATOR. Now they get the chance to strut out their funny boots. Crowe says doing a comedy puts him in a better mood. Hotel employees will be relieved.
THE GOOD GERMAN – George Clooney, bad guys in the 40’s.
THE GOOD SHEPHERD – Matt Damon, bad guys in the 40’s.
DEJA VU – Tagline should be “Been there, Done that.”
FLUSHED AWAY – Yet ANOTHER cartoon. This one is about a mouse flushed down the toilet. Will take you back to all your goldfish funerals as a kid.
THE RETURN – Aptly named film starring Sarah Michelle Geller. The “return” to television beckons.
I must pause for a moment. Ben Affleck as Superman????
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – Christopher Guest and the Guffman Gang in a comedy about Hollywood. I know I’ll be laughing even as I tighten the noose around my neck.
COME EARLY MORNING – Stars Ashley Judd so it must be a kidnapping movie. I bet she does that annoying silent crying thing, like she’s choking on a grape.
CASINO ROYALE – Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. It’ll be hard enough living up to Sean Connery but in this remake of the late 60’s CASINO ROYALE he’ll have to make us forget about Woody Allen as 007. The conceit here is that this new version is really the “first” James Bond movie. We’re supposed to believe the previous twenty others never existed. I know the one with Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist didn’t.
THE DEPARTED – Martin Scorsese’s return to MEAN STREETS genre. I will RUN to see this movie. It’s Martin’s third film with Leo. DeNiro is getting jealous.
FLICKA – Why?
CHARLOTTE’S WEB – Again?
F_ _ _ -- A documentary about the “word”. Contains profanity.
BUG – A paranoid veteran holes up in a hotel room with Ashley Judd. I’m guessing she’s there against her will.
VOLVER – Penelope Cruz in her most difficult acting role. She has to get bad news AND cry.
The conclusion tomorrow. And next Monday, my Emmy review.
HOLLYWOODLAND – Did TV’s Superman, George Reeves kill himself or was he murdered in 1959? That’s one of the mysteries. But the bigger mystery is who in his right mind cast Ben Affleck to play Superman? Should be a riot.
A GOOD YEAR – A Russell Crowe comedy (isn’t that an oxymoron?). Re-teaming with Ridley Scott. Length issues forced them to cut all the jokes in GLADIATOR. Now they get the chance to strut out their funny boots. Crowe says doing a comedy puts him in a better mood. Hotel employees will be relieved.
THE GOOD GERMAN – George Clooney, bad guys in the 40’s.
THE GOOD SHEPHERD – Matt Damon, bad guys in the 40’s.
DEJA VU – Tagline should be “Been there, Done that.”
FLUSHED AWAY – Yet ANOTHER cartoon. This one is about a mouse flushed down the toilet. Will take you back to all your goldfish funerals as a kid.
THE RETURN – Aptly named film starring Sarah Michelle Geller. The “return” to television beckons.
I must pause for a moment. Ben Affleck as Superman????
FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION – Christopher Guest and the Guffman Gang in a comedy about Hollywood. I know I’ll be laughing even as I tighten the noose around my neck.
COME EARLY MORNING – Stars Ashley Judd so it must be a kidnapping movie. I bet she does that annoying silent crying thing, like she’s choking on a grape.
CASINO ROYALE – Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. It’ll be hard enough living up to Sean Connery but in this remake of the late 60’s CASINO ROYALE he’ll have to make us forget about Woody Allen as 007. The conceit here is that this new version is really the “first” James Bond movie. We’re supposed to believe the previous twenty others never existed. I know the one with Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist didn’t.
THE DEPARTED – Martin Scorsese’s return to MEAN STREETS genre. I will RUN to see this movie. It’s Martin’s third film with Leo. DeNiro is getting jealous.
FLICKA – Why?
CHARLOTTE’S WEB – Again?
F_ _ _ -- A documentary about the “word”. Contains profanity.
BUG – A paranoid veteran holes up in a hotel room with Ashley Judd. I’m guessing she’s there against her will.
VOLVER – Penelope Cruz in her most difficult acting role. She has to get bad news AND cry.
The conclusion tomorrow. And next Monday, my Emmy review.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Fall Movie Preview Part One
Time for my annual (well, first annual) Fall Movie Preview. After the mindless summer fare it’s good to have some intelligent movies to look forward to.
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH – two morons try to be Costco employee of the month to seduce a hot girl into bed. Before you say no girl is that stupid, just know they’ve cast Jessica Simpson.
IDIOCRACY – Mike Judge’s OFFICE SPACE follow-up. America has dumbed down to where the smartest person in the country is an idiot. Shot in current times.
JACKASS NUMBER TWO – So many unanswered questions in JACKASS NUMBER ONE.
ARTE LANGE’S BEER LEAGUE – The perfect date movie.
FAST FOOD NATION – For those sophisticated moviegoers who couldn’t get enough of CLERKS 2.
HISTORY BOYS – Tony award winning Alan Bennett play. Original cast and superb writing. Will probably get slaughtered by ARTE LANGE’S BEER LEAGUE.
LUCKY YOU – Poker movie starring Eric Bana who did his own stunts.
THE GUARDIAN – Coast Guard Reserve swimmers. And you couldn’t sell your ‘lifeguards at Grossingers’ spec.
MARIE ANTOINETTE – Sofia Coppola’s costume epic. The wigs alone cost more than LOST IN TRANSLATION. Stars Kirsten Dunst as the ultimate East Hamptons role model. Her last words were “Let them eat cake!” They should have been, “Spiderman! Help!!”
SAW III – Jigsaw goes after totem poles.
ALL THE KING’S MEN – Sean Penn movie. Expect angst, crying, meltdowns. Still hasn’t recovered from marriage to Madonna.
MAN OF THE YEAR – (not to be confused with EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH) Comedy starring Robin Williams (yawn). Also Lewis Black. I’m there opening day.
SHORTBUS – Actors engage in real sex. I’ll skip MAN OF THE YEAR to see this first.
SANTA CLAUSE 3: This time he fights Rocky Balboa.
OPEN SEASON – cartoon, celebrity voices. Next?
EVERYONE’S HERO – cartoon, celebrity voices. Next? Wait. It’s about baseball? See it.
BREAKING AND ENTERING – Can Jude Law kill another movie?
THE HOLIDAY – Can Jude Law kill another movie?
FLAGS OF OUR FATHER – Clint Eastwood’s Iwo Jima film. He didn’t want to hire any actors over 26. Was then talked out of playing one of the roles himself.
Part Two tomorrow.
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH – two morons try to be Costco employee of the month to seduce a hot girl into bed. Before you say no girl is that stupid, just know they’ve cast Jessica Simpson.
IDIOCRACY – Mike Judge’s OFFICE SPACE follow-up. America has dumbed down to where the smartest person in the country is an idiot. Shot in current times.
JACKASS NUMBER TWO – So many unanswered questions in JACKASS NUMBER ONE.
ARTE LANGE’S BEER LEAGUE – The perfect date movie.
FAST FOOD NATION – For those sophisticated moviegoers who couldn’t get enough of CLERKS 2.
HISTORY BOYS – Tony award winning Alan Bennett play. Original cast and superb writing. Will probably get slaughtered by ARTE LANGE’S BEER LEAGUE.
LUCKY YOU – Poker movie starring Eric Bana who did his own stunts.
THE GUARDIAN – Coast Guard Reserve swimmers. And you couldn’t sell your ‘lifeguards at Grossingers’ spec.
MARIE ANTOINETTE – Sofia Coppola’s costume epic. The wigs alone cost more than LOST IN TRANSLATION. Stars Kirsten Dunst as the ultimate East Hamptons role model. Her last words were “Let them eat cake!” They should have been, “Spiderman! Help!!”
SAW III – Jigsaw goes after totem poles.
ALL THE KING’S MEN – Sean Penn movie. Expect angst, crying, meltdowns. Still hasn’t recovered from marriage to Madonna.
MAN OF THE YEAR – (not to be confused with EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH) Comedy starring Robin Williams (yawn). Also Lewis Black. I’m there opening day.
SHORTBUS – Actors engage in real sex. I’ll skip MAN OF THE YEAR to see this first.
SANTA CLAUSE 3: This time he fights Rocky Balboa.
OPEN SEASON – cartoon, celebrity voices. Next?
EVERYONE’S HERO – cartoon, celebrity voices. Next? Wait. It’s about baseball? See it.
BREAKING AND ENTERING – Can Jude Law kill another movie?
THE HOLIDAY – Can Jude Law kill another movie?
FLAGS OF OUR FATHER – Clint Eastwood’s Iwo Jima film. He didn’t want to hire any actors over 26. Was then talked out of playing one of the roles himself.
Part Two tomorrow.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Spec Etiquette
I’ve had several people ask me what NOT to do when trying to get someone to read their spec. It’s a case by case basis of course but I’ll just share some of my own personal experiences or things I have witnessed.
I’ve had people give me spec scripts at high school reunions. Not a good idea unless it’s from the person you always had a crush on and they haven’t gained 300 pounds.
A well known comedy director was in temple during High Holiday services one year when a fellow congregant reached inside his tallis and pulled out a spec script. Not kosher.
When I was announcing for the Orioles I once got thrown out of Bobby Valentine’s office for asking tough questions. He was then the manager of the Texas Rangers. Fifteen minutes later I was summoned back, obviously to receive an apology. No. He had heard I was a writer and pitched me a movie. Try not to be an asshole first.
And then there was the time I was in a funeral home with my father making final arrangements for my grandmother who had just passed away. At one point the mortician asked what I did. When my father said I was a writer the ghoul launched into a twenty minute movie pitch. If my dad wasn’t there no one would believe that story. But it’s true. Pick your spots.
What you need to do is first introduce yourself and try to establish a relationship. How intimate is up to you. But here’s my favorite story. Years ago I and another writer, Larry, were asked to speak at a UCLA extension class. I was a story editor on MASH at the time and he was story editor of RHODA. As we stood in front of the class lecturing, a friend overhead one young woman saying to another: “I think I’ll fuck Larry. I’d rather do a RHODA”.
I’ve had people give me spec scripts at high school reunions. Not a good idea unless it’s from the person you always had a crush on and they haven’t gained 300 pounds.
A well known comedy director was in temple during High Holiday services one year when a fellow congregant reached inside his tallis and pulled out a spec script. Not kosher.
When I was announcing for the Orioles I once got thrown out of Bobby Valentine’s office for asking tough questions. He was then the manager of the Texas Rangers. Fifteen minutes later I was summoned back, obviously to receive an apology. No. He had heard I was a writer and pitched me a movie. Try not to be an asshole first.
And then there was the time I was in a funeral home with my father making final arrangements for my grandmother who had just passed away. At one point the mortician asked what I did. When my father said I was a writer the ghoul launched into a twenty minute movie pitch. If my dad wasn’t there no one would believe that story. But it’s true. Pick your spots.
What you need to do is first introduce yourself and try to establish a relationship. How intimate is up to you. But here’s my favorite story. Years ago I and another writer, Larry, were asked to speak at a UCLA extension class. I was a story editor on MASH at the time and he was story editor of RHODA. As we stood in front of the class lecturing, a friend overhead one young woman saying to another: “I think I’ll fuck Larry. I’d rather do a RHODA”.
Friday, August 18, 2006
Why radio sucks
For 26 years KZLA has been the Country Music station of Los Angeles. It has the largest audience of any country station in America. So you would think it was a success.
Yesterday, Emmis Broadcasting (who owns KZLA) changed formats to “Movin’ 93.9” playing something called rhythmic Hot AC (Gwen Stefani, Prince, all your rhythmic favorites, whatever they are.). And as an added bonus, they’ve hired Rick Dees to do mornings.
So why the change? Val Maki, the GM and Emmis executive said their research indicated there was a need for this made-up format.
And then gave the following quote, which in one sentence nails the reason why radio and television broadcasting is in such deplorable shape these days –
“We work for our advertisers. Through our research and other research we know there was a large phantom cume that never got measured in Arbitron, as good as Arbitron is.”
“WE WORK FOR OUR ADVERTISERS”.
Oh really? No, you don’t.
YOU WORK FOR THE PUBLIC!!!!!!
You have a license to broadcast in the PUBLIC’S interest, not the advertisers. That is a completely unconscionable and revealing statement.
I never listened to KZLA. I don’t have any friends who work there. Country music is not my thing. But for the loyal fans who were totally abandoned after a quarter of a century of support (shades of what CBS did to CBS-FM last year) I say don’t just write angry letters that won’t be read.
CHALLENGE THE LICENSE.
Use Ms. Maki’s quote. A broadcast license is a privilege. If the mandate of Emmis Broadcasting is to serve the advertisers and not you, they do not deserve to broadcast on the public airwaves.
And excuse me, you can hear Gwen Stefani on fifteen other LA radio stations.
Yesterday, Emmis Broadcasting (who owns KZLA) changed formats to “Movin’ 93.9” playing something called rhythmic Hot AC (Gwen Stefani, Prince, all your rhythmic favorites, whatever they are.). And as an added bonus, they’ve hired Rick Dees to do mornings.
So why the change? Val Maki, the GM and Emmis executive said their research indicated there was a need for this made-up format.
And then gave the following quote, which in one sentence nails the reason why radio and television broadcasting is in such deplorable shape these days –
“We work for our advertisers. Through our research and other research we know there was a large phantom cume that never got measured in Arbitron, as good as Arbitron is.”
“WE WORK FOR OUR ADVERTISERS”.
Oh really? No, you don’t.
YOU WORK FOR THE PUBLIC!!!!!!
You have a license to broadcast in the PUBLIC’S interest, not the advertisers. That is a completely unconscionable and revealing statement.
I never listened to KZLA. I don’t have any friends who work there. Country music is not my thing. But for the loyal fans who were totally abandoned after a quarter of a century of support (shades of what CBS did to CBS-FM last year) I say don’t just write angry letters that won’t be read.
CHALLENGE THE LICENSE.
Use Ms. Maki’s quote. A broadcast license is a privilege. If the mandate of Emmis Broadcasting is to serve the advertisers and not you, they do not deserve to broadcast on the public airwaves.
And excuse me, you can hear Gwen Stefani on fifteen other LA radio stations.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Comedy writing 101
I was talking to a writer friend (one of those “old school” comedy writers – has won Emmys and numerous awards and now can’t get his agent on the phone) and exploring the idea of maybe teaching a class on sitcom writing. (dispensing the kind of crap I do in this blog.) He then wondered whether the principles and lessons of comedy writing we learned were even relevant today given what the networks are looking for in their sitcoms? I know when I was taking extension classes at UCLA the teachers seemed very out-of-date. Don’t teach me how to write the perfect FLYING NUN. Would I seem like one of those guys by showing how we broke stories on CHEERS?
I’ve been mulling it over for weeks and have finally come to a conclusion: fuck it! Good story telling and writing craft are always worth learning, even if some of the principles are not in vogue at the moment. Who knows? If Howie Mandell can come back so can quality sitcoms. I will be looking into where and when I could teach a class. So far the Wally Thor Truckmaster School is the only institution to express some interest.
In the meantime, get ahold of TAXI DVD’s. And CHEERS, FRASIER, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, THE HONEYMOONERS and BILKO.
Watch how the comedy comes out of the characters. Notice how relatable most of the situations are even though these shows range in age from ten to forty years old. For the most part they’re about characters forced to make timeless basic human decisions but with a comic spin.
Study the structure. Forget style. How do they set up their dilemmas? How do they build to act breaks? How do they resolve their stories? Are there surprises? If so, how are they set up? How do the casts intermingle? Look at the ensemble players. What is each member’s specific role?
I’ll let you know if I do teach a class. Check the Wally Thor catalogue. But if you study TAXI you’ll know most of what I’m going to say and not have to listen to my insufferable “when I was a young freelancer” stories.
I’ve been mulling it over for weeks and have finally come to a conclusion: fuck it! Good story telling and writing craft are always worth learning, even if some of the principles are not in vogue at the moment. Who knows? If Howie Mandell can come back so can quality sitcoms. I will be looking into where and when I could teach a class. So far the Wally Thor Truckmaster School is the only institution to express some interest.
In the meantime, get ahold of TAXI DVD’s. And CHEERS, FRASIER, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, THE HONEYMOONERS and BILKO.
Watch how the comedy comes out of the characters. Notice how relatable most of the situations are even though these shows range in age from ten to forty years old. For the most part they’re about characters forced to make timeless basic human decisions but with a comic spin.
Study the structure. Forget style. How do they set up their dilemmas? How do they build to act breaks? How do they resolve their stories? Are there surprises? If so, how are they set up? How do the casts intermingle? Look at the ensemble players. What is each member’s specific role?
I’ll let you know if I do teach a class. Check the Wally Thor catalogue. But if you study TAXI you’ll know most of what I’m going to say and not have to listen to my insufferable “when I was a young freelancer” stories.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Stupid characters
Wow, you guys love CHEERS topics. Here’s another one before moving on to something else.
Got into a discussion recently on the value of “stupid” characters on TV. And by that I mean in sitcoms, not our President. My contention was these characters worked because they had their own internal logic, usually taking things too literally. Think Gracie Allen, the Coach & Woody, Reverend Jim, etc. (In the case of our President the internal logic is “But if I go to New Orleans to inspect the flood damage I’ll miss the Padres game”.)
“Stupid” characters also provide a great way to impart exposition to the audience. When Sam explains what’s going on to the Coach he’s also explaining it to the viewers.
So the trick is to find that line that is dumb but you understand why the character would arrive at it. Sometimes it’s a fine line. In the case of the Coach on CHEERS we had a contest in a writers room to see who could pitch the dumbest Coach joke. One day we were faced with the following set-up: Sam is in his office. The Coach comes in to say he’s got a call. Jerry Belson is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. He pitched this:
COACH: Sam, there’s a little black man in the bar who wants to speak to you.
SAM: No Coach, that’s the phone.
WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I’d like to offer this:
RUMSFELD: Mr. President, there’s a little black man outside on the desk who wants to speak to you.
BUSH: Send him in.
Got into a discussion recently on the value of “stupid” characters on TV. And by that I mean in sitcoms, not our President. My contention was these characters worked because they had their own internal logic, usually taking things too literally. Think Gracie Allen, the Coach & Woody, Reverend Jim, etc. (In the case of our President the internal logic is “But if I go to New Orleans to inspect the flood damage I’ll miss the Padres game”.)
“Stupid” characters also provide a great way to impart exposition to the audience. When Sam explains what’s going on to the Coach he’s also explaining it to the viewers.
So the trick is to find that line that is dumb but you understand why the character would arrive at it. Sometimes it’s a fine line. In the case of the Coach on CHEERS we had a contest in a writers room to see who could pitch the dumbest Coach joke. One day we were faced with the following set-up: Sam is in his office. The Coach comes in to say he’s got a call. Jerry Belson is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. He pitched this:
COACH: Sam, there’s a little black man in the bar who wants to speak to you.
SAM: No Coach, that’s the phone.
WINNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I’d like to offer this:
RUMSFELD: Mr. President, there’s a little black man outside on the desk who wants to speak to you.
BUSH: Send him in.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Two CHEERS for Kevin McHale
A number of people commented on yesterday’s post mentioning Kevin McHale’s two appearances on CHEERS.
As a rule of thumb, when you stunt cast with non-actors, especially sports stars, it’s best to give them the minimal to do and say. And by that I mean, have them enter, stand there, and leave.
A real exception was Kevin McHale.
McHale, who was then the Boston Celtics’ Hall-of-Fame sixth man, was hired for one brief scene in one episode. But he proved to be so good, so natural, and even (shockingly) so funny that we increased his part and then brought him back for a second episode. If this GM of the Timberwolves thing doesn’t work out Kevin could always star in the next STILL STANDING.
The only other time we did that with a celebrity was Alex Trebeck. Remember the Cliff-on-JEAPORDY episode? Alex was only slated to be in the actual JEAPORDY scene, but he was so funny we brought him into the bar as well. And if he screwed up we could always sound a buzzer.
One trivia note re Kevin McHale: In the Boston Gardens bolts episode (written by David Isaacs and me) there’s a brief scene where he’s in bed with his wife. We used his actual wife. And she was funny too! Not Alex Trebeck funny but still.
On the other hand…
The first season we used former pitcher Luis Tiant for a beer commercial scene. It took 100 takes. And we still settled.
And then there’s the Wade Boggs affair (literally). It was the very end of season six. NBC ordered an additional show. We put together a story called BAR WARS where CHEERS got into a practical joke war with Gary’s Olde Town Tavern. We thought it would be funny for a real Boston sports star to enter CHEERS but the gang think it’s an imposter, pants him, and chase him out of the bar.
The first name we came up with was Red Sox All-Star, Wade Boggs. Trouble was, it was March and he was in Spring Training in Winter Haven, Florida. We inquired anyway, and to our amazement, he agreed to do it. He even got the Red Sox to give him three days off. We thought, wow, CHEERS must really be influential now.
A few years later we learned the truth. An article by Margot Adams in PLAYBOY revealed that she was having an affair with Boggs and the real reason he was so hot to do our show was that he got a free trip to LA to see Margot. So much for our show’s massive influence.
Years later I was broadcasting for the Orioles and Mariners and encountered Boggs in the clubhouse. He wouldn’t talk to me. Yeah, like it was my fault.
Kevin McHale still takes my calls.
As a rule of thumb, when you stunt cast with non-actors, especially sports stars, it’s best to give them the minimal to do and say. And by that I mean, have them enter, stand there, and leave.
A real exception was Kevin McHale.
McHale, who was then the Boston Celtics’ Hall-of-Fame sixth man, was hired for one brief scene in one episode. But he proved to be so good, so natural, and even (shockingly) so funny that we increased his part and then brought him back for a second episode. If this GM of the Timberwolves thing doesn’t work out Kevin could always star in the next STILL STANDING.
The only other time we did that with a celebrity was Alex Trebeck. Remember the Cliff-on-JEAPORDY episode? Alex was only slated to be in the actual JEAPORDY scene, but he was so funny we brought him into the bar as well. And if he screwed up we could always sound a buzzer.
One trivia note re Kevin McHale: In the Boston Gardens bolts episode (written by David Isaacs and me) there’s a brief scene where he’s in bed with his wife. We used his actual wife. And she was funny too! Not Alex Trebeck funny but still.
On the other hand…
The first season we used former pitcher Luis Tiant for a beer commercial scene. It took 100 takes. And we still settled.
And then there’s the Wade Boggs affair (literally). It was the very end of season six. NBC ordered an additional show. We put together a story called BAR WARS where CHEERS got into a practical joke war with Gary’s Olde Town Tavern. We thought it would be funny for a real Boston sports star to enter CHEERS but the gang think it’s an imposter, pants him, and chase him out of the bar.
The first name we came up with was Red Sox All-Star, Wade Boggs. Trouble was, it was March and he was in Spring Training in Winter Haven, Florida. We inquired anyway, and to our amazement, he agreed to do it. He even got the Red Sox to give him three days off. We thought, wow, CHEERS must really be influential now.
A few years later we learned the truth. An article by Margot Adams in PLAYBOY revealed that she was having an affair with Boggs and the real reason he was so hot to do our show was that he got a free trip to LA to see Margot. So much for our show’s massive influence.
Years later I was broadcasting for the Orioles and Mariners and encountered Boggs in the clubhouse. He wouldn’t talk to me. Yeah, like it was my fault.
Kevin McHale still takes my calls.
Who stole Rebecca's earrings?
I’m kinda in a CHEERS mood.
As a writer you like to think that when you write a role it so specific that only a certain number of people could play it. Well, that’s not always the case.
In the first year of CHEERS we had a role in an episode for a mysterious character who comes into the bar posing as a spy. We first offered the role to Richard Burton. Unbelievably, he passed. Then it was offered to Jack Elam (the guy with the lazy eye who played the villain in a thousand western). Elam passed and we ended up with Ellis Rabb, a very flamboyant theatrical actor who built his career on playing fops. (I think if he had passed our next choice was Billy Barty)
Several seasons later we wrote an episode where Sam brings Larry Bird back to the bar and it appears that he steals Rebecca’s hundred thousand dollar earrings. When Bird decided to pass we went to the next logical choice, Admiral William J. Crowe Jr., the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Side trip: He turned out to be a great guy. And yes, he was always trailed by an aide with a box handcuffed to his wrist – putting the Admiral in direct satellite communication with the President, day or night. Every twenty minutes this aide had to unlock the box and place a test call. I badgered him into letting me watch this once. He opened the box. I was expecting this real high tech Star Wars equipment. It looked like used Radio Shack shit, with a black phone worthy of Maxwell Smart.
Admiral Crowe did every joke we wrote for him…except one, presented here for the first time.
He’s sitting at the bar with Norm and Cliff. Norm says, “So you got the black box, huh?” Admiral: “That’s right.” Cliff: “And you can make one call and nuclear missiles are in the air on their way to Russia?” Admiral: “Yes, sir.” Norm then slaps a bill on the counter and says, “Fifty bucks says you can’t.”
I’m only sorry Larry Bird didn’t take the role. I’m sure he would have said it.
As a writer you like to think that when you write a role it so specific that only a certain number of people could play it. Well, that’s not always the case.
In the first year of CHEERS we had a role in an episode for a mysterious character who comes into the bar posing as a spy. We first offered the role to Richard Burton. Unbelievably, he passed. Then it was offered to Jack Elam (the guy with the lazy eye who played the villain in a thousand western). Elam passed and we ended up with Ellis Rabb, a very flamboyant theatrical actor who built his career on playing fops. (I think if he had passed our next choice was Billy Barty)
Several seasons later we wrote an episode where Sam brings Larry Bird back to the bar and it appears that he steals Rebecca’s hundred thousand dollar earrings. When Bird decided to pass we went to the next logical choice, Admiral William J. Crowe Jr., the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Side trip: He turned out to be a great guy. And yes, he was always trailed by an aide with a box handcuffed to his wrist – putting the Admiral in direct satellite communication with the President, day or night. Every twenty minutes this aide had to unlock the box and place a test call. I badgered him into letting me watch this once. He opened the box. I was expecting this real high tech Star Wars equipment. It looked like used Radio Shack shit, with a black phone worthy of Maxwell Smart.
Admiral Crowe did every joke we wrote for him…except one, presented here for the first time.
He’s sitting at the bar with Norm and Cliff. Norm says, “So you got the black box, huh?” Admiral: “That’s right.” Cliff: “And you can make one call and nuclear missiles are in the air on their way to Russia?” Admiral: “Yes, sir.” Norm then slaps a bill on the counter and says, “Fifty bucks says you can’t.”
I’m only sorry Larry Bird didn’t take the role. I’m sure he would have said it.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Another opening, my first show
We opened! THE 60’s PROJECT premiered Thursday night at the Goodspeed Theatre in Chester, Ct. (otherwise known as the Broadway of the Nutmeg State). It went fantastic considering we had no dress rehearsal, barely had time to do the tech, there were still glitches in the visual effects, scenes were still being lit on the fly, and our drummer was rushed to the hospital with slipped disc (get better soon, Ron!) requiring a replacement to come in last minute and perform the score cold. In other words – a typical opening! My eternal gratitude to director Richard Maltby Jr. and our fantastic cast for somehow getting this monster up.
Much to everyone’s delight (and relief) the show played great. The only problem – length. We took out twenty minutes and the next night it went through the roof. Yes, it was hard to cut stuff we loved but far more excruciating was having to tell the cast that their scenes or moments or songs were cut. Especially when the cuts were no fault of theirs. It was all about story – eliminating the redundancies, sharpening the focus, quickening the pace, taking out my jokes that proved to be clams.
It’s amazing what a great addition elimination can be. But tell that to the kids who sang and danced their hearts out on a number that you just killed.
In television of course, we’re faced with this problem every week. Networks tell us how long our shows can be and we can’t deliver one second over. But at least in TV you can save lifted material and use it later. On CHEERS we had what we called our “SOS” file – “some other show”. We loved those bar talk runs but if shows ran long they were always the first to go since they were always off story. There’s one I remember that David Isaacs and I wrote where the topic was “what’s the smartest barnyard animal?” That run was in and out of literally seven episodes. We wrote it early in the first season. It finally aired late in the second. During table readings the cast would get to it, stop, and say “Oh no. THIS again?” We’d say “Please perform the rest of the show faster so we could finally get this goddamn thing in.”
I had much more to say about making cuts (or “killing your babies” as the delightful phrase goes) but took my own advice and cut it.
If you find yourself near Chester, Connecticut anytime before September 3rd, come see our show, THE 60’s PROJECT. And if you have an 11:00 train you’ll be able to make it now.
Call today for best seats! 860-873-8668. www.goodspeed.org. And tell ‘em Shameless Kenny sent ya.
Much to everyone’s delight (and relief) the show played great. The only problem – length. We took out twenty minutes and the next night it went through the roof. Yes, it was hard to cut stuff we loved but far more excruciating was having to tell the cast that their scenes or moments or songs were cut. Especially when the cuts were no fault of theirs. It was all about story – eliminating the redundancies, sharpening the focus, quickening the pace, taking out my jokes that proved to be clams.
It’s amazing what a great addition elimination can be. But tell that to the kids who sang and danced their hearts out on a number that you just killed.
In television of course, we’re faced with this problem every week. Networks tell us how long our shows can be and we can’t deliver one second over. But at least in TV you can save lifted material and use it later. On CHEERS we had what we called our “SOS” file – “some other show”. We loved those bar talk runs but if shows ran long they were always the first to go since they were always off story. There’s one I remember that David Isaacs and I wrote where the topic was “what’s the smartest barnyard animal?” That run was in and out of literally seven episodes. We wrote it early in the first season. It finally aired late in the second. During table readings the cast would get to it, stop, and say “Oh no. THIS again?” We’d say “Please perform the rest of the show faster so we could finally get this goddamn thing in.”
I had much more to say about making cuts (or “killing your babies” as the delightful phrase goes) but took my own advice and cut it.
If you find yourself near Chester, Connecticut anytime before September 3rd, come see our show, THE 60’s PROJECT. And if you have an 11:00 train you’ll be able to make it now.
Call today for best seats! 860-873-8668. www.goodspeed.org. And tell ‘em Shameless Kenny sent ya.
Chicago 2003
Since airport security has now made it impossible for anyone to travel unless absolutely necessary, the next best substitute is reading about the destinations you might want to have gone to. So as a totally self serving public service, here is one of my travelogues from 2003. Any publishers out there that want to compile them for a book, I’m interested. (told you it was self serving)
********
Back from one of my favorite places – Chicago. It’s truly glorious the three months there's no wind chill factor.
Debby and I went back to collect Annie who had been at Northwestern University for a five week intensive theatre program for high school kids. 135 "Cherubs" took classes in theatre. Annie's performed in "the Trial of Lizzie Borden" (O.J. with an axe). Happy to report she was fabulous. Note to all high school acting teachers: NEVER let teenage boys play "old men". Not only is it an exercise in bad make up it is always embarrassing. The Little Rascals wearing grown up clothes. Play it safe. Do "Grease".
Thank God Annie didn't tell the other Cherubs what I do for a living otherwise I would be coming home with 134 head shots.
Our flight to Chicago was delayed an hour and half because a latch wasn't fastened correctly. Airline mechanics have the perfect job. Union benefits AND they get to keep 200 people waiting. Have you been on American Airlines lately? No more do they serve meals in coach. They now employ "Bistro Service", which means paper sacks containing stale sandwiches, raisins, and chips. I found myself longing for those disgusting omelets. Next year "Intermezzo Service" when they just throw you cans of C-Rations.
We stayed at the Doubletree Suites (Holiday Inn with cookies). They have the following sign hanging on the towels in the bathroom
WHEN YOU CARE, IT SHOWS
"Dear Guest,
Everyday millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that have only been used once. YOU MAKE THE CHOICE:
A towel on the rack means "I will use again".
A towel on the floor means "Please replace"
Thank you for helping us conserve the Earth's vital resources. “
How many housekeeping people were they able to lay off as a result? How many trees were cut down to make those little signs?
I'm just glad that little sign wasn't on the toilet paper.
In the honor bar Sparkling Water cost $2.75. At that price they'll never run out of it. They care and it shows.
Dinner Thursday night at Hugo's Frogbar (which is Gibson's sister restaurant). Nothing like a Chicago steak. Best animal fat in America. Rush Street is quite the scene on a warm summer night. Packed with people drinking. Since valet parking is $9.00 I suspect none of them had cars so they all got home safely. The care continues to show.
Anytime you turn on Channel 7 Oprah is on.
The big thing in Chicago these days is "Caramel Crisp". This is caramel covered popcorn and the shop that sells it on Michigan Avenue has LINES. Considering the beef, deep dish pizza, pancakes, White Castle sliders, etc. that Chicagoians devour this must be considered eating light.
The other big craze is American Girl Dolls. These are well made expensive dolls that kids can get to look like themselves. There is a big American Girl Doll store with lines almost as large as for the gummy popcorn. There's something a tad Stepford about seeing all these little girls clutching dolls that bear their own likeness. Of course I'd kill to have a Ken Levine action figure so who am I to talk?
There is no greater place in the world to watch a baseball game than Wrigley Field. Nowhere even close. We went Friday afternoon. Cubs vs. Arizona (that classic rivalry). The game started at 2:20. By 3:20 they were beginning the fifth inning. The game ended at 10:05 (but more on that later). Picked up a Harry Caray bobblehead doll. Debby got a George W. Bush bobblehead. It will go great with our one for Alf. Outside of Wrigley Field they have a statue for Harry Caray, their longtime announcer. On Michigan Ave. they have a statue for another sportscaster, Jack Brickhouse. You have to love a town that erects statues for baseball announcers. Here in LA. the best they can do for Vin Scully is a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which is lovely until you realize there's also one for Bugs Bunny, Trigger, and Charlie Tuna.
Across the street from Wrigley is a stand that offers "Sunglasses and Tattoos".
Everyone sitting around us was plastered. We got a foul ball in our section that went off six hands before landing in the lap of the old lady wearing an Osbourne's T-shirt. Don't drink and catch.
At 4:15 the rains came delaying the game. Debby and I had to leave anyway, agreeing to meet Annie for dinner in Evanston at 5. It rained hard for three hours. I just kept wondering how many towels you could wash as a result. The Cubs and Diamondbacks resumed playing and would continue through 14 innings. We bar hopped along Rush watching the game cursing the futile Cubs like everyone else.
Chicago loves its Cubs but it's a tough love. Fans wear jerseys that say "Cork" in the Cubs logo. In Sunday's Tribune Mike Rosenbloom wrote:
Bob Hope's death at 100 leaves one fewer person who was alive the last time the Cubs won the World Series.
The Cubbies finally won in the 14th. Time of game: 7 hours, 40 minutes. A day/night single header. A thousand people were left in the stands. Every one needed a designated driver.
I saw the apartment building they used for the Bob Newhart Show. Bet I was the only person in fifteen years to recognize it.
Chicago in the summer is the home of the "Oblivious Tourist". Revolving doors completely befuddles them. Walking without just stopping in the middle of a crowded sidewalk? Big problem.
The Oblivious Tourist in the next room is now showering with the same towel for four days. The Oblivious Tourist in the room across the hall cares even more. He hasn't showered for four days.
There is a Pancake House for every three Chicagoians.
Gino's Pizza and Shaw's Crab House were delicious and fattening as ever. But the best meal we had was at Roys. Score one for Hawaii.
Every restaurant on Rush Street was packed on Friday and Saturday night....except the Lo Ca Locale. Tumbleweeds were rolling through that place.
In honor of the upcoming Elvis festival the WGN morning weather idiot AND the anchor, donned Elvis costumes. The anchor actually read a few news stories wearing that get up. What does it say about their journalistic integrity when the most credible member of their news team was Oscar red carpet booklicker, Sam Rubin live from LA?
Sunday afternoon produced the worst local flooding in 45 years. You could even wash bed sheets everyday with that much water. People were diving into theatres to get out of the rain...except for those theatres showing "Gigli". It was still preferable to be pelted with hail.
Coming home Annie was detained by airport security at O'Hare because of her teddy bear. They then searched through her backpack and let her go through, even with a pair of scissors. Huh???
The Oblivious Tourist was unclear that when he had to put his shoes in the plastic basket to go through the X-ray machine he had to take them off first.
Time to unpack and not wash any of our dirty clothes. Because of course, we care.
********
Back from one of my favorite places – Chicago. It’s truly glorious the three months there's no wind chill factor.
Debby and I went back to collect Annie who had been at Northwestern University for a five week intensive theatre program for high school kids. 135 "Cherubs" took classes in theatre. Annie's performed in "the Trial of Lizzie Borden" (O.J. with an axe). Happy to report she was fabulous. Note to all high school acting teachers: NEVER let teenage boys play "old men". Not only is it an exercise in bad make up it is always embarrassing. The Little Rascals wearing grown up clothes. Play it safe. Do "Grease".
Thank God Annie didn't tell the other Cherubs what I do for a living otherwise I would be coming home with 134 head shots.
Our flight to Chicago was delayed an hour and half because a latch wasn't fastened correctly. Airline mechanics have the perfect job. Union benefits AND they get to keep 200 people waiting. Have you been on American Airlines lately? No more do they serve meals in coach. They now employ "Bistro Service", which means paper sacks containing stale sandwiches, raisins, and chips. I found myself longing for those disgusting omelets. Next year "Intermezzo Service" when they just throw you cans of C-Rations.
We stayed at the Doubletree Suites (Holiday Inn with cookies). They have the following sign hanging on the towels in the bathroom
WHEN YOU CARE, IT SHOWS
"Dear Guest,
Everyday millions of gallons of water are used to wash towels that have only been used once. YOU MAKE THE CHOICE:
A towel on the rack means "I will use again".
A towel on the floor means "Please replace"
Thank you for helping us conserve the Earth's vital resources. “
How many housekeeping people were they able to lay off as a result? How many trees were cut down to make those little signs?
I'm just glad that little sign wasn't on the toilet paper.
In the honor bar Sparkling Water cost $2.75. At that price they'll never run out of it. They care and it shows.
Dinner Thursday night at Hugo's Frogbar (which is Gibson's sister restaurant). Nothing like a Chicago steak. Best animal fat in America. Rush Street is quite the scene on a warm summer night. Packed with people drinking. Since valet parking is $9.00 I suspect none of them had cars so they all got home safely. The care continues to show.
Anytime you turn on Channel 7 Oprah is on.
The big thing in Chicago these days is "Caramel Crisp". This is caramel covered popcorn and the shop that sells it on Michigan Avenue has LINES. Considering the beef, deep dish pizza, pancakes, White Castle sliders, etc. that Chicagoians devour this must be considered eating light.
The other big craze is American Girl Dolls. These are well made expensive dolls that kids can get to look like themselves. There is a big American Girl Doll store with lines almost as large as for the gummy popcorn. There's something a tad Stepford about seeing all these little girls clutching dolls that bear their own likeness. Of course I'd kill to have a Ken Levine action figure so who am I to talk?
There is no greater place in the world to watch a baseball game than Wrigley Field. Nowhere even close. We went Friday afternoon. Cubs vs. Arizona (that classic rivalry). The game started at 2:20. By 3:20 they were beginning the fifth inning. The game ended at 10:05 (but more on that later). Picked up a Harry Caray bobblehead doll. Debby got a George W. Bush bobblehead. It will go great with our one for Alf. Outside of Wrigley Field they have a statue for Harry Caray, their longtime announcer. On Michigan Ave. they have a statue for another sportscaster, Jack Brickhouse. You have to love a town that erects statues for baseball announcers. Here in LA. the best they can do for Vin Scully is a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, which is lovely until you realize there's also one for Bugs Bunny, Trigger, and Charlie Tuna.
Across the street from Wrigley is a stand that offers "Sunglasses and Tattoos".
Everyone sitting around us was plastered. We got a foul ball in our section that went off six hands before landing in the lap of the old lady wearing an Osbourne's T-shirt. Don't drink and catch.
At 4:15 the rains came delaying the game. Debby and I had to leave anyway, agreeing to meet Annie for dinner in Evanston at 5. It rained hard for three hours. I just kept wondering how many towels you could wash as a result. The Cubs and Diamondbacks resumed playing and would continue through 14 innings. We bar hopped along Rush watching the game cursing the futile Cubs like everyone else.
Chicago loves its Cubs but it's a tough love. Fans wear jerseys that say "Cork" in the Cubs logo. In Sunday's Tribune Mike Rosenbloom wrote:
Bob Hope's death at 100 leaves one fewer person who was alive the last time the Cubs won the World Series.
The Cubbies finally won in the 14th. Time of game: 7 hours, 40 minutes. A day/night single header. A thousand people were left in the stands. Every one needed a designated driver.
I saw the apartment building they used for the Bob Newhart Show. Bet I was the only person in fifteen years to recognize it.
Chicago in the summer is the home of the "Oblivious Tourist". Revolving doors completely befuddles them. Walking without just stopping in the middle of a crowded sidewalk? Big problem.
The Oblivious Tourist in the next room is now showering with the same towel for four days. The Oblivious Tourist in the room across the hall cares even more. He hasn't showered for four days.
There is a Pancake House for every three Chicagoians.
Gino's Pizza and Shaw's Crab House were delicious and fattening as ever. But the best meal we had was at Roys. Score one for Hawaii.
Every restaurant on Rush Street was packed on Friday and Saturday night....except the Lo Ca Locale. Tumbleweeds were rolling through that place.
In honor of the upcoming Elvis festival the WGN morning weather idiot AND the anchor, donned Elvis costumes. The anchor actually read a few news stories wearing that get up. What does it say about their journalistic integrity when the most credible member of their news team was Oscar red carpet booklicker, Sam Rubin live from LA?
Sunday afternoon produced the worst local flooding in 45 years. You could even wash bed sheets everyday with that much water. People were diving into theatres to get out of the rain...except for those theatres showing "Gigli". It was still preferable to be pelted with hail.
Coming home Annie was detained by airport security at O'Hare because of her teddy bear. They then searched through her backpack and let her go through, even with a pair of scissors. Huh???
The Oblivious Tourist was unclear that when he had to put his shoes in the plastic basket to go through the X-ray machine he had to take them off first.
Time to unpack and not wash any of our dirty clothes. Because of course, we care.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Do not try this at home
In case you missed it the first time around:
I have read some bad specs in my time and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.
Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.
Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.
And just because people tell you you look like Debra Messing doesn’t mean you should write a WILL & GRACE entitled “Grace’s Sister”. If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.
Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.
Don’t invent a format.
Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!
Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:
EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY
Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.
Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Peter Jackson or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.
Similarly, avoid dream sequences. The GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW is not looking for the next Fellini.
Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.
Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Ray Barone is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.
I was going to recommend you don’t do like one aspiring writer and make a joke in a CHEERS about Diane’s pussy because it’s crude, offensive, and inappropriate, but I saw the same joke two weeks ago on STACKED.
Still, I’d like to think there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.
Don’t marry off any of the main characters.
Don’t kill off any of the main characters.
Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.
Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.
The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.
Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.
And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.
Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.
I have read some bad specs in my time and now offer some suggestions of what not to do based on actual scripts I have read…or at least attempted to read.
Don’t view the show from the perspective of a fly. I once read a WINGS spec as seen by a buzzing fly. I offer this as the first example because I know so many young writers fall into this same trap.
Don’t put yourself into the show and make yourself the lead character. I once read a CHEERS where Alan had more lines than Sam & Diane combined. Alan? Who’s Alan? Alan was one of the extras. And so he remained.
And just because people tell you you look like Debra Messing doesn’t mean you should write a WILL & GRACE entitled “Grace’s Sister”. If I get a script with a photo attached I know I’m in trouble.
Don’t hand write your script, no matter how good your penmanship. Send your spec in a UCLA blue book and you’ll get an F.
Don’t invent a format.
Know the characters. I read a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW where Mary wondered what to get her husband for his birthday. Her “husband”???!
Keep in mind the production parameters. A MASH I once read featured this:
EXT. YANKEE STADIUM – DAY
Hawkeye is on the mound during the World Series. 60,000 people cheer.
Huh????? Ask yourself the following question: Can anybody other than Peter Jackson or James Cameron make this? And if the answer is no, especially for a multi-camera show that takes place in a living room, then don’t do it.
Similarly, avoid dream sequences. The GEORGE LOPEZ SHOW is not looking for the next Fellini.
Don’t hinge your show on stunt casting. I read a BECKER where former President Jimmy Carter came in for a check-up and offered dating advice. Yeah, President Carter gets his physicals in the Bronx. And yeah, President Carter is always available to guest on a sitcom and advise a character to say whatever is necessary to get laid.
Don’t change the characters’ reality to fit your story. Ray Barone is not Jewish. THAT’S why he can’t have a bar mitzvah.
I was going to recommend you don’t do like one aspiring writer and make a joke in a CHEERS about Diane’s pussy because it’s crude, offensive, and inappropriate, but I saw the same joke two weeks ago on STACKED.
Still, I’d like to think there is some line of decorum and taste left. I once read a NEWSRADIO where the story was the Dave Foley character comes into his office in the morning and discovers a semen stain on his couch. Then the episode went downhill.
Don’t marry off any of the main characters.
Don’t kill off any of the main characters.
Don’t go the first ten pages before doing a joke. This even applies to many drama specs.
Don’t do the “supersize” hour episode.
The last sentence in your script should not be “To Be Continued”.
Don’t include a cover letter telling the producer that you sent him a copy of the script months ago and that he was shirking his responsibility by not reading it. Our agent did this once and trust me, David Lloyd was not amused.
And finally, avoid this ploy: I once received a spec MASH with a note that read “This script was written by my brother. On his way to the post office to mail it he was hit by a car and killed. I’m sure he would have wanted you to read it anyway. P.S. If you want any changes I can make them.” He received a touching rejection sympathy card.
Just remember this, when producers read your script they want to like it. They want to discover the next Larry Gelbart. It only helps them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot by doing something stupid like relying on Jimmy Carter to get your laughs.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
It's nice to be the next Preston Sturgess
This is a typical story. In the mid 80’s my partner and I had a pretty good movie career going along with our TV work. (I think this was that honeymoon period between the time VOLUNTEERS was made and actually released…because that window was pretty short as I recall.) Disney wanted to meet us.
We trooped down to Burbank, appropriately entered the Dopey Building and met with this very nice energetic young executive. If we had any movie ideas he wanted us to bring them to Disney first. Because of our work on CHEERS we were the perfect writers for them. They were looking to do sophisticated romantic comedies with with and heart, and smart crackling dialogue. Very few people could do that but we could and that’s what they wanted. We were obviously very flattered and said when we came up with something we would call them. He then said, “Listen, while you’re here, we do have one project that’s open, and we think you guys would be perfect for it. EARNEST GOES TO JAIL.”
We graciously passed. We could write sophisticated comedy but we weren’t Noel Coward.
We trooped down to Burbank, appropriately entered the Dopey Building and met with this very nice energetic young executive. If we had any movie ideas he wanted us to bring them to Disney first. Because of our work on CHEERS we were the perfect writers for them. They were looking to do sophisticated romantic comedies with with and heart, and smart crackling dialogue. Very few people could do that but we could and that’s what they wanted. We were obviously very flattered and said when we came up with something we would call them. He then said, “Listen, while you’re here, we do have one project that’s open, and we think you guys would be perfect for it. EARNEST GOES TO JAIL.”
We graciously passed. We could write sophisticated comedy but we weren’t Noel Coward.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Rewrite night survival guide
Shows are getting back into production, meaning writing staffs are once again burning the midnight oil. Some tips from a grizzled veteran:
Take-out pasta does not travel well.
Avoid chocolate covered coffee beans. Someone once brought in a box of them to the rewrite room. Two hours later seven writers were bouncing off the ceiling, pitching nonsense, pitching the Pledge of Allegiance, one guy was pitching his Haftarah.
Bananas at midnight are a good idea. The contain potassium which will help keep you up and alert.
Cheese Doodles will not.
Take a break, get out of the office, and walk around the lot. You may think it’s adding fifteen minutes to your night but considering it will clear your head, you might catch your second wind and finish sooner.
Don’t spend an hour on one joke. Always remember the big picture. Table the thorny joke until the end. First and foremost is getting the story right. Tomorrow you can fix jokes.
Beware of show runners who are recently divorced. They have nothing to go home to and thus would much prefer to hang out all night with you.
Limit cast trashing to a half hour.
If there are one or two scenes that need major work or rewriting, do those first. You don’t want to get to 1:00 AM and THEN have to start tackling the hard stuff.
If you order BBQ food for dinner you are assured a long rewrite.
If you feel the need to pop something sweet in your mouth, don’t make it an M & M, make it a Tums.
Don’t breast feed in the room unless you plan to share with everyone.
Limit other show trashing to a half hour.
Drink lots and lots of water.
If you’re at page 30 and someone says “Can we go back to page 22?” KILL this person.
Don’t stop to watch the last two minutes of the Lakers game. That’s forty minutes. And probably overtime.
And if you stop to watch the end of the Mighty Ducks game – well, you just don’t want to be there.
Red Bull is not your friend. You may think it is until you see tomorrow’s runthrough.
Don’t get hung up on tiny details. If it needs to be googled or checked for spelling or added to a scene in act one, leave it to the people staying late to proof. We call that “Proofer’s Challenge”.
Limit discussion on how rich Chuck Lorre is to fifteen minutes. No, twenty.
Late at night when you’re punchy, you may write what you think is a hilarious run. Go back in proofing and cut it in half. The guys on the BOB NEWHART SHOW did not do this and I can pretty much tell you by watching the show just what time certain bits were written. Keep the best five jokes, discard the other seven.
Cellphones off until breaks.
Once you hit 1:00 AM it’s not a bad idea to call it a night, send the cast whatever you have, come back in the morning, finish, send them the remaining pages and have a later runthrough if necessary. The amount of work leftover will be addressed faster and sharper when you’re not all fried.
And finally, if you’re there for one night in a consultant role, the phrase you need to remember and say frequently is “See it another day.”
Take-out pasta does not travel well.
Avoid chocolate covered coffee beans. Someone once brought in a box of them to the rewrite room. Two hours later seven writers were bouncing off the ceiling, pitching nonsense, pitching the Pledge of Allegiance, one guy was pitching his Haftarah.
Bananas at midnight are a good idea. The contain potassium which will help keep you up and alert.
Cheese Doodles will not.
Take a break, get out of the office, and walk around the lot. You may think it’s adding fifteen minutes to your night but considering it will clear your head, you might catch your second wind and finish sooner.
Don’t spend an hour on one joke. Always remember the big picture. Table the thorny joke until the end. First and foremost is getting the story right. Tomorrow you can fix jokes.
Beware of show runners who are recently divorced. They have nothing to go home to and thus would much prefer to hang out all night with you.
Limit cast trashing to a half hour.
If there are one or two scenes that need major work or rewriting, do those first. You don’t want to get to 1:00 AM and THEN have to start tackling the hard stuff.
If you order BBQ food for dinner you are assured a long rewrite.
If you feel the need to pop something sweet in your mouth, don’t make it an M & M, make it a Tums.
Don’t breast feed in the room unless you plan to share with everyone.
Limit other show trashing to a half hour.
Drink lots and lots of water.
If you’re at page 30 and someone says “Can we go back to page 22?” KILL this person.
Don’t stop to watch the last two minutes of the Lakers game. That’s forty minutes. And probably overtime.
And if you stop to watch the end of the Mighty Ducks game – well, you just don’t want to be there.
Red Bull is not your friend. You may think it is until you see tomorrow’s runthrough.
Don’t get hung up on tiny details. If it needs to be googled or checked for spelling or added to a scene in act one, leave it to the people staying late to proof. We call that “Proofer’s Challenge”.
Limit discussion on how rich Chuck Lorre is to fifteen minutes. No, twenty.
Late at night when you’re punchy, you may write what you think is a hilarious run. Go back in proofing and cut it in half. The guys on the BOB NEWHART SHOW did not do this and I can pretty much tell you by watching the show just what time certain bits were written. Keep the best five jokes, discard the other seven.
Cellphones off until breaks.
Once you hit 1:00 AM it’s not a bad idea to call it a night, send the cast whatever you have, come back in the morning, finish, send them the remaining pages and have a later runthrough if necessary. The amount of work leftover will be addressed faster and sharper when you’re not all fried.
And finally, if you’re there for one night in a consultant role, the phrase you need to remember and say frequently is “See it another day.”
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
the night the Warm-up guy got ugly
With Tuesday being election day, I am reminded of the election episode my partner, David and I wrote for the TONY RANDALL SHOW.
I’ll pause for a moment while you say “what the hell was the TONY RANDALL SHOW?" It was an MTM series in the late 70’s starring the late Tony Randall as a judge in Philadelphia. It’ll probably never be shown again but it was a damn funny show.
In this particular episode, Tony’s character runs for Superior Court Judge, his opponent dies during the election but too late for his name to be removed from the ballot. Lo and behold, he wins. Tony was beaten by a dead man. The show played great all week with hardly any changes. We were expecting great things.
And then on show night, in front of the audience – death, nothing, tumbleweeds, crickets.
Needless to say, we were stymied.
One of the executive producers was doing the warm-up, and was so mad he turned on the audience. (It didn’t help that the entire staff was drinking frozen margaritas in the prop room between scenes).
He started saying things like, “Hey, I think your hearse is waiting”, “Hey, wasn’t that moderately amusing?”, and the tag was Tony entering his office which was now completely empty (his furniture moved in anticipation of the certain victory) to which the warm-up man shouted at the audience, “Get it?! What’s different about that room? Anybody?”
It was only after the crowd filed out that we learned the truth. The entire audience was Hispanic, bussed in, and spoke no English.
Remember all the bad things I said about the laugh track? We sure used it that week.
I’ll pause for a moment while you say “what the hell was the TONY RANDALL SHOW?" It was an MTM series in the late 70’s starring the late Tony Randall as a judge in Philadelphia. It’ll probably never be shown again but it was a damn funny show.
In this particular episode, Tony’s character runs for Superior Court Judge, his opponent dies during the election but too late for his name to be removed from the ballot. Lo and behold, he wins. Tony was beaten by a dead man. The show played great all week with hardly any changes. We were expecting great things.
And then on show night, in front of the audience – death, nothing, tumbleweeds, crickets.
Needless to say, we were stymied.
One of the executive producers was doing the warm-up, and was so mad he turned on the audience. (It didn’t help that the entire staff was drinking frozen margaritas in the prop room between scenes).
He started saying things like, “Hey, I think your hearse is waiting”, “Hey, wasn’t that moderately amusing?”, and the tag was Tony entering his office which was now completely empty (his furniture moved in anticipation of the certain victory) to which the warm-up man shouted at the audience, “Get it?! What’s different about that room? Anybody?”
It was only after the crowd filed out that we learned the truth. The entire audience was Hispanic, bussed in, and spoke no English.
Remember all the bad things I said about the laugh track? We sure used it that week.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Another typical Hollywood story
I was doing ALMOST PERFECT, the CBS mid 90’s sitcom that starred Nancy Travis. In the show, Nancy’s character had a cat, “Charlie”. We used him in about five episodes. Then I get a call from the cat’s owner/trainer/agent. He tells me that Charlie has been offered the lead in the remake of THAT DARN CAT but I was not to fret. Charlie really liked working on the show and with us. So he’ll stay with our show if we would up his fee and guarantee him all episodes produced. Naturally I was touched by Charlie’s loyalty.
I said as much as we too loved working with Charlie and greatly admired his many talents, I would hate to stand in the way of his feature career so I passed on his offer.
Unbelievably, we somehow managed to find another gray cat that could sit in a chair.
But here’s the thing…
A year later ALMOST PERFECT gets cancelled. I’m driving home, feeling really bummed out and I gaze up at a billboard touting a certain movie. My entire cast is out of work and there’s Charlie, the fucking cat, starring in a major motion picture, staring down on me, his Cheshire-like face plastered on a HUGE billboard on the Sunset Strip.
I lost track of Charlie after that. To my knowledge he didn’t catch on in films. That business can be so cruel. He probably returned to television and if there’s any justice he’s doing ARSENIC & OLD LACE in dinner theatre somewhere in Iowa tonight.
The moral: Use a litter box because you never know who you’re going to meet on the way down.
I said as much as we too loved working with Charlie and greatly admired his many talents, I would hate to stand in the way of his feature career so I passed on his offer.
Unbelievably, we somehow managed to find another gray cat that could sit in a chair.
But here’s the thing…
A year later ALMOST PERFECT gets cancelled. I’m driving home, feeling really bummed out and I gaze up at a billboard touting a certain movie. My entire cast is out of work and there’s Charlie, the fucking cat, starring in a major motion picture, staring down on me, his Cheshire-like face plastered on a HUGE billboard on the Sunset Strip.
I lost track of Charlie after that. To my knowledge he didn’t catch on in films. That business can be so cruel. He probably returned to television and if there’s any justice he’s doing ARSENIC & OLD LACE in dinner theatre somewhere in Iowa tonight.
The moral: Use a litter box because you never know who you’re going to meet on the way down.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Unsolicited material
First off, the runthrough went great. The cast was sensational, and the show is less than four hours. More work to be done but at least I didn’t have to get out of town under the cover of darkness.
Now to the real post:
A question from reader Jeff about unsolicited material, in this case pilot ideas with outlines. He asks:
“How would I, without connections in the television industry, go about pitching these ideas to networks and cable? “
*********
First thing you should do is document on paper every facet of your idea. The more detailed the better. Then register everything with the WGA. Go to their website (listed in my links section) for instructions how. I’m not saying that people in Hollywood would rip off your idea, I’m saying they’d steal your girlfriend too.
Jeff, on the major network side, unsolicited material is a very tough sell. They rarely if ever consider it. However, with NBC snooping around internet TV sites, they may be relaxing that policy. And if one does it, the others will. But assuming at the end of the day networks say they want to look outside the box but then buy the box, more important to them than ideas are the people who will execute them. Usually writers have to be on network shows for a few years before invited to pitch pilot ideas.
That means you may have to team up with an approved writer or producer. And in all likelihood they will try to give you a buy out – a one time payoff, then tell you to go away, with no further involvement or credit. Is that okay with you? (It probably depends on how much of a payoff?)
Finding producers or show runners who will want to be attached to your project is another whole bailiwick. Connections, luck, legwork, luck, perseverance, luck.
But here’s the good news: Cable and the internet. The old rules don’t apply. No rules apply. There are so many specialized cable networks and internet services these days that they don’t have enough product to fill their schedule. (Proof of this is that there are FACTS OF LIFE marathons.) You probably won’t get rich. And your show budget may not be as high as a dinner for two at Appleby’s, but at least you’d make a sale. And from there, who knows? You could be sitting on the next DATE MY MOM.
How you get to the people in charge of programming these networks? See: how to find producers and show runners.
Jeff, if you had asked me this question five years ago I would have said you had no shot. But in today’s Chicken Little marketplace this may be the perfect time to beat the odds, sell an unsolicited pilot, and maybe even be allowed to stay with it. Best of luck. And I’ll be watching ANIMAL PLANET looking for your name.
Now to the real post:
A question from reader Jeff about unsolicited material, in this case pilot ideas with outlines. He asks:
“How would I, without connections in the television industry, go about pitching these ideas to networks and cable? “
*********
First thing you should do is document on paper every facet of your idea. The more detailed the better. Then register everything with the WGA. Go to their website (listed in my links section) for instructions how. I’m not saying that people in Hollywood would rip off your idea, I’m saying they’d steal your girlfriend too.
Jeff, on the major network side, unsolicited material is a very tough sell. They rarely if ever consider it. However, with NBC snooping around internet TV sites, they may be relaxing that policy. And if one does it, the others will. But assuming at the end of the day networks say they want to look outside the box but then buy the box, more important to them than ideas are the people who will execute them. Usually writers have to be on network shows for a few years before invited to pitch pilot ideas.
That means you may have to team up with an approved writer or producer. And in all likelihood they will try to give you a buy out – a one time payoff, then tell you to go away, with no further involvement or credit. Is that okay with you? (It probably depends on how much of a payoff?)
Finding producers or show runners who will want to be attached to your project is another whole bailiwick. Connections, luck, legwork, luck, perseverance, luck.
But here’s the good news: Cable and the internet. The old rules don’t apply. No rules apply. There are so many specialized cable networks and internet services these days that they don’t have enough product to fill their schedule. (Proof of this is that there are FACTS OF LIFE marathons.) You probably won’t get rich. And your show budget may not be as high as a dinner for two at Appleby’s, but at least you’d make a sale. And from there, who knows? You could be sitting on the next DATE MY MOM.
How you get to the people in charge of programming these networks? See: how to find producers and show runners.
Jeff, if you had asked me this question five years ago I would have said you had no shot. But in today’s Chicken Little marketplace this may be the perfect time to beat the odds, sell an unsolicited pilot, and maybe even be allowed to stay with it. Best of luck. And I’ll be watching ANIMAL PLANET looking for your name.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Stand-in theatre
Progress report on the musical I’m co-writing, the 60’s PROJECT, due to open at the Goodspeed Theatre in fabulous Chester, Ct. on Thursday night. So far, so good. Today we have our first complete runthrough. It should give us a great indication of where we are. Especially since it’ll be in a rehearsal hall, without the band, lighting, costumes, visuals, and two of the actors are out sick.
It reminds me of the last few years working on CHEERS. By that time, practically every cast member had other things to do – projects, movies, golf tournaments, guesting on other shows, pedicures, buying real estate, speaking to acting classes on the value of rehearsal, etc. So it was not uncommon to go down to the stage for a runthrough and find it was Ted Danson, the script supervisor, First AD, Second AD, prop guy, and George Wendt. We’d come back to the office for the rewrite and say “How the fuck do we know what worked or didn’t?”
My favorite moment was when one of the cast members showed up the next day after missing a runthrough, saw that a favorite line had been cut, and screamed at the crew member stand-in for killing the joke.
The sad thing is that often times that crew member delivered lines better than the actor.
Wish us luck on the runthrough.
It reminds me of the last few years working on CHEERS. By that time, practically every cast member had other things to do – projects, movies, golf tournaments, guesting on other shows, pedicures, buying real estate, speaking to acting classes on the value of rehearsal, etc. So it was not uncommon to go down to the stage for a runthrough and find it was Ted Danson, the script supervisor, First AD, Second AD, prop guy, and George Wendt. We’d come back to the office for the rewrite and say “How the fuck do we know what worked or didn’t?”
My favorite moment was when one of the cast members showed up the next day after missing a runthrough, saw that a favorite line had been cut, and screamed at the crew member stand-in for killing the joke.
The sad thing is that often times that crew member delivered lines better than the actor.
Wish us luck on the runthrough.
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