How to go insane in one day

I don’t find the casting process fun. It’s tiring, you hear your words trampled fifty different ways, and you’re well aware that these are most crucial decisions you will ever make on your project. Scripts can be fixed, scenes can be reshot, but if you have the wrong actors you’re dead. So there is a tremendous amount of pressure – not just for the actors but for the producers as well.

In fairness, sometimes it can be fun. There is that glorious moment when an actor just nails it. Or even better, brings something to the role that you didn’t expect. Those are magic. Also, casting smoking hot babes is not a bad way to kill an afternoon either. All these spectacular women who normally, if you were on fire, wouldn’t piss on you to put it out, now are yearning for your approval. That helps ease the pain of high school.

But most of the time casting is a drag. And the very worst is having to cast children. Most are so overly precocious and overly-rehearsed by their overbearing stage mothers that you want to scream “Quick! Run to a park! Go play with your friends. Pick up a baseball or Barbie before it’s too late!”

It’s never easy rejecting anybody, but for me it’s excruciating having to reject a child. And casting is 99% rejection. I don’t want to be the one to dash some 9 year-old’s dream.

That is why a cold shiver went right up my spine when I read recently that on Broadway there will be a new revival of ANNIE and the producers held an open audition. I can’t even imagine. Thousands of little girls all belting out “Tomorrow”. This should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

I give the producers enormous credit. They’re not willing to settle. You would think that out of several thousand adorable cherubs there would be at least one perfect “Annie”. And maybe there is, but these producers are not leaving any stones unturned. In addition to the open auditions, hopefuls are invited to submit videos. I’m sure they were inundated with tens of thousands of entries. To me, reviewing these videos makes waterboarding seem like a Whammo Slip N’ Slide. I applaud the producers’ dedication. And stamina.

But I’m sure it will be worth it. That special “Annie” is out there. Although, maybe several girls were very impressive.  Oh no.  Does that mean call-backs?

AAAAAAAA!!!!

9/11 and David & Lynn Angell

I re-post this every year on this date.
9/11 affected us all, profoundly and in many cases personally. Two of my dear friends were on flight 11. David and Lynn Angell. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought of them, missed them, and not felt grateful that they were in my life.

David and I worked together on CHEERS, WINGS, and FRASIER (the latter two he co-created). We used to call him the “dean”. In his quiet way he was the one we always looked to for final approval of a line or a story direction. He brought a warmth and humanity to his writing that hopefully rubbed off on the rest of us “schickmeisters”. And he could be funny – sneaky funny. During long rewrite sessions he tended to be quiet. Maybe two or three times a night he’d pitch a joke – but they were always the funniest jokes of the script.

For those of you hoping to become comedy writers yourselves, let David Angell be your inspiration. Before breaking in he worked in the U.S. Army, the Pentagon, an insurance firm, an engineering company, and then when he finally moved out to L.A. he did “virtually every temp job known to man” for five years. Sometimes even the greatest talents take awhile to be recognized.

I first met David the first season of CHEERS. He came in to pitch some stories. He had been recommended after writing a good NEWHART episode. This shy quiet man who looked more like a quantum physics professor than a comedy writer, slinked into the room, mumbled through his story pitches, and we all thought, “is this the right guy? He sure doesn’t seem funny.” Still, he was given an assignment (“Pick a con…any con”) and when the script came back everyone was just blown away. He was quickly given a second assignment (“Someone single, someone blue”) and that draft came back even better. I think the first order of business for the next season was to hire David Angell on staff.

After 9/11, David’s partners Peter Casey & David Lee called me and my partner into their office. There was a FRASIER script David Angell was about to write. (It was the one where Lilith’s brother arrived in a wheelchair and became an evangelist. Michael Keaton played the part.) Peter & David asked if we would write it and for me that was a greater honor than even winning an Emmy.

David’s wife, Lynn, was also an inspiration. She devoted her life to helping others – tirelessly working on creating a children’s library and a center that serves abused children.

My heart goes out to their families. To all of the families.

I still can’t wrap my mind around it.

So tragic, so senseless, and even ten years later, so inconceivable.

The pros and cons of gangbanging and other topics

For the first time in two years I'm going to conduct another SITCOM ROOM seminar.  It'll be the weekend of November 12-13 at the LAX Hilton.  Later next week I'll open registration.  Stay tuned.  Space is limited.  To whip you into a veritable frenzy, here is a re-post from a few years ago. 
SITCOM ROOM 3 was held this weekend at that shrine of comedy, the Los Angeles Airport Hilton. For two days twenty attendees experienced what it’s like to be on staff of a sitcom. And none left saying they’d rather sell appliances at Sears than ever do that shit again, so I considered it a big success!

Among the things they learned were:

The two “Reds” that all writers require are Red Vines and Red Bull.

There’s always a way to solve story structure. There is no way out of the parking structure.

Danielle Sanchez, Co-Exec of MY NAME IS EARL explained what they’re looking for in a spec.

Air conditioning is a good thing.

The pros and cons of gangbanging.

Servicing actors (not to be confused with gangbanging).

If you don’t have a white board to write down your story beats, you can always use full-length mirrors. Sure anyone who enters the room will think it’s Hannibal Lector’s shopping list but still it gets the job done.

Jokes are easy. Stories are hard.

Norm stories on CHEERS were particularly hard.

Lloyd Garver shared tales of working with the great Bob Newhart.

When you’re finished eating the take-out Chinese food throw everything out. Immediately!

What shows to write for your spec. What shows not to write for your spec. (hint: I hope you’re not too far along on that DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.)

Not all Hitler jokes work.

Runthrough etiquette.

The Volkswagen test.

The magazine trick.

Why a comedy writer should never wear a toupee or Hawaiian shirt (not that anyone should).

Ways to fix troubled scenes.

How to run a room.

How to get a laugh without a joke.

David Isaacs gave an inside look at how MAD MEN works.

You don’t have to be the funniest person in the writing room to be the most valuable.

Phoef Sutton of CHEERS and BOSTON LEGAL explained how the worst idea ever can become the best idea.

Nothing goes better with Oreo Double-stuffs than beer.

The rule of threes.

The best book for learning how to be funny is Improv Comedy by Andy Goldberg.

… and finally -- 5-Hour Energy works!!! (Oh wait, it’s me who learned that.)

Thanks to Dan O’Day, David Isaacs, Phoef Sutton, Danielle Sanchez, Lloyd Garver, Andy Goldberg, Mark Chaet, Barbara Howard, Mehera Blum, the German guy from the hotel, and especially the attendees for making Sitcom Room 3 such a great experience.

Should Network Executives Be Held Accountable For Ruining Pilots?

Here’s some Friday questions that may ruffle some feathers. What would you like to know?

Kevin Rubio starts us off with a question about pilots, and more specifically when pilots don’t get picked up because of network meddling:

Should the executive be culpable?" "Should names be named?"

Absolutely but it will never happen.

Still, it’s only right that they be held accountable because they sure take credit for pilots that become hits. There’s one former executive who always took credit for developing FRASIER. Here was this person’s contribution: During the network runthrough they insisted the producers get rid of the Martin character. They didn’t need the father. He was a downer. Lose him. To the producers’ credit of course they refused. But the executive has the gall to take credit for FRASIER’S development.

Like I said, though, they’ll never step forward and take any blame. They’ve got to cover their own ass. When the head of the network is railing at the staff for how shitty the pilots are (and this happens every year) I guarantee you none of the executives are going to say, “You know, that one was my bad. I told them to make the rapist likeable.” More likely: “This writer is just not very good. We really should think about not using him next pilot season.”   Trust me, that happens.  

That said, not every network note is a bad one. And sometimes they can be helpful. I will happily say publicly that Tim Stack at CBS was a huge help on our BIG WAVE DAVE’S pilot and the show would not nearly have been as good without his input. So credit where credit is due.


From Stephen:

Do writers submit their scripts to the Emmy voters when they are nominated? I always assumed that the voters based their decision on the script (for technique/form) AND the actual episode (for execution).

No. Emmys are judged by the final product. A blue ribbon committee watches the nominated episodes. The WGA Awards however, are based exclusively on scripts submitted by the writers. And in some cases, the draft submitted might differ from what eventually became the final episode.

Nic Schweitzer asks:

How do you feel, both personally and as a writer, about almost all the shows that NBC just put on a few months ago getting canceled?


Also, is there any chance Sorkin will appear again? Thanks!

Aaron Sorkin has a new series coming soon on HBO. Can’t wait!

As for the first part of your question, NBC (like all the others major networks) has used the summer as a dumping ground for scripted shows they just wanted to burn off and a time to introduce reality shows. So I wasn’t surprised that they were cancelled. To be honest, I didn’t see most of them. Watched THE VOICE, which I’m sure I would have liked better had Carson Daly not been involved, and never bothered with THE MARRIAGE REF and nonsense like that.

And finally, from MikeN:

What was your reaction when Conan hosted the Emmys and drew a tiny circle and said 'Black people who watch Frasier'?

It made me laugh. But funnier was this -- “Black Frasier”, the skit on 30 ROCK.

One of NBC's great blunders

It pays to check these things.

With much fanfare, on January 1,1976 NBC unveiled it’s new on-air logo – a big stylized N. They paid a million dollars to design this thing. That's right.  $1,000,0000.  The network was probably hoping to do the whole three letters but couldn't afford it.  Anyway...

I remember seeing it for the first time on the Rose Bowl game and thinking, “Huh?” In the ‘60s their main signature was the peacock and they would precede each program shown in color with this.

I know you had to be there, but when that would come on and the music started to crescendo it was thrilling every time. At least to me. 

And now there was a big blocky N.

NBC wasted no time in plastering that logo everywhere. ID’s, closing ID’s, mike flags, sportscasters’ blazers. I’m surprised they didn’t make Jane Pauley wear two N logo tassels on her breasts.

A month later, once this logo had now been firmly established, NBC got a call from the Nebraska ETV Network, the State’s chain of PBS stations. It seems they had the EXACT SAME LOGO. The only thing different was the colors. And I bet they paid some skeesix fifty bucks to design it.

Oops.

NBC was sued for trademark infringement. They wound up settling out of court. NBC gave the Nebraska folks new equipment and a mobile color unit, valued at over $800,000 and shelled out $55,000 to cover the cost of designing and implementing a new logo for Nebraska ETV.

We had a similar situation on the Mary Tyler Moore show we created in 1985. Mary's character got a job at a tabloid newspaper in Chicago. The name we wanted and was cleared by our research company was Chicago Post.

We went back to Chicago to film the opening titles. Several shots featured Mary’s picture on bus ads heralding her as a proud staff member of the Chicago Post.

I stayed back in Los Angeles during the filming and got a call from a gentleman who saw the bus ads. He identified himself as the editor of the Chicago Post. After falling on the floor, I said someone from MTM would get back to him. Then I hung up and called information and asked for the number of the Chicago Post. The operator gave it to me in a second. How the fuck did our crack research firm not flag this?  A daily newspaper in Chicago!

MTM offered a settlement, which was incredibly generous, but the paper held out for millions. They figured we had shot the pilot and would have to reshoot at a cost well into the millions. Well, the truth is, we had shot the pilot but the words Chicago Post were not visible in the newsroom. Fixing this problem was as simple as substituting the word “Eagle” in the mouths of those actors who originally said “Post” along with redoing a couple of shots for the opening titles. MTM gave them a deadline and said the offer was off the table if not accepted by the end of the business day. The Post figured we were bluffing and let the deadline go by. We made the easy changes and for their greed, they got nothing.

As in a great big N.

On the passing of Charles Dubin

So sorry to hear that Charles Dubin has died. He was 92. Charles directed 44 episodes of MASH, including many that my partner David Isaacs and I wrote. Charles directed our POINT OF VIEW episode. We get a lot of kudos for that but truthfully the real praise goes to Charles and his expert direction. Remember also that this was in the days before hand-held cameras. Charles had to be inventive technically as well as visually. And what many people overlook is that the performances were so good. That too was all Charlie. Film actors are trained to never look at the camera. Now suddenly they had to stare straight into it. That can be very self- conscious. Through Charlie’s guidance and loving support he coaxed wonderfully subtle performances from every member of the cast. He got every bit of emotion out of the episode. Like I said, he made that show.

Charles was the consummate gentleman. Always soft-spoken and unflappable. You hear of actors claiming someone is an “actor’s director” or writers saying someone is a “writer’s director”. Charles Dubin was one of the few who was truly both.

You’ll probably be reading tributes over the next few days. Believe me, they’ll all be genuine.

His credits go way back to the ‘50s. Although it’s a name you might not know, Charles Dubin has had as large an imprint on the television industry as anyone who ever worked in it.

And he was such a gentleman!

The last time I saw Charles was in November. We were both panelists at a MASH seminar. Even in his 90’s he was sharp and funny and I remember thinking, “what an absolute treasure”.  I kept hoping he would get all the questions because I so loved hearing his answers. 

Charles Dubin was a “mensch’s director”. May his work be seen for another 92 years.

I love The Book of Mormon... and New York!

Here's my most recent travelogue. For many more of these please check out my book, WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED. E-book version is only $2.99. That's less than a penny a laugh, which in this economy, is pretty damn good. Order yours here.  And often.  Thanks!

Flew to New York on Virgin American, which is really just Jet Blue with mood lighting.  There with the family for the east coast wedding reception for my son Matt and his new bride, Kim.  We have a lot of NY relatives who couldn't get out to California for the actual event.   If you're even remotely related to us and couldn't get to this one either, just drop me a note.  We'll be by to throw one in your town, too. 

Stayed at the Affinia-Dumont (hey, we went price shopping).  It's at 3rd & 34th in the very heart of foot spa and Brazilian wax salon district.  Arrived to find twenty mattresses piled in front on the street.  Never a good sign.   The Affinia's recent claim-to-fame is that it didn't blow down during Hurricane Irene. 

Next door is a Spy Store.  I'm sure there are hidden cameras in the shower.

The city was re-paving sections of the sidewalks around our hotel so there was yellow police tape everywhere.  It was like walking through the opening scene of every CASTLE episode.   

THE BOOK OF MORMON is the funniest and most brilliant Broadway musical I've ever seen.  Although to be fair, I haven’t seen SPIDERMAN or CARRIE: THE MUSICAL. 

But Trey Parker & Matt Stone and Robert Lopez have created a masterpiece!  And the cast headed by Andrew Rannells & Josh Gad is phenomenal!  They're all going to burn in hell for eternity, but so what?  I was amused for two hours. 

Went backstage after the show.  Andrew starred in the musical I co-wrote a few years ago.   Our show was Off-Broadway though (Connecticut).  Talk about an added bonus -- Randy Newman was also backstage.  Got to talk to Randy Newman.  I rarely get star struck but Randy Newman -- he's like the John Lennon of Jews.

Topped off the night with a late snack at Ellen's Stardust Diner where all the waiters and waitresses take turns singing Broadway tunes -- usually right when your order is up.  But it's great fun, they all can really sing, and I so look forward to the day they add some songs from THE BOOK OF MORMON, notably "Fuck you, God".  The tourists will just love it!

Did not get to the Upper West Side this trip.  Now that H&H Bagels is gone, what's the point?

The weather on Friday was glorious.  Must've walked ten miles.   Okay... Two. Explain this to me.  On the corner of 3rd & 49th there were two five-foot canisters of nitrogen, just standing there.  Why? I bet within six minutes someone made off with them.

A neon sign in front of the neighborhood Dunkin' Donuts says, "We are kosher!" which I suppose is a nicer way of saying "We don't use lard!"

The NY Post has one of my favorite movie critics, Kyle Smith.  His Friday review began like this:  "Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and Jason Sudeikis are three good reasons to stay very clear of A Good Old Fashioned Orgy".   Don’t think they’ll be using that on the poster.

The "hard hat Sinatra" has left the now-completed building.  A construction worker on the Upper East Side used to bellow Sinatra tunes during lunch.  Jackhammers and Teamsters whistling at passing women provided his Basie-like accompaniment.  Again, to hear music and possibly witness a horrible accident, why pay good money for SPIDERMAN when you can see this guy for free?  

Has there ever been a NY theater column in the last fifty years that didn't mention Stephen Sondheim at least once?

Took the 4 Train out to Yankee Stadium.   Wow!   It opened in 2009 and, unbelievably, it still looks new!  Much as I loved the original I have to say this updated version is the oyster's ice skates.  Everything is first class from the wide concourses and tributes to the team's rich history to carved turkey sandwiches.   There's also an impressive museum filled with cool memorabilia.  I was hoping to see a napkin from the strip joint in Texas where Billy Martin got the shit beaten out of him but had to settle for several Babe Ruth bats.   The restroom fixture ratio is one for every 60 fans, but the team merchandise store ratio is one for every 6 fans.  

Sorry we didn't go to the Yankee game on Monday.  Missed their big promotion -- (I kid you not). Hand Sanitizer Key Chain Day. 

The Learning Annex is alive and well in Manhattan!  Among the courses for the upcoming session:  "How to Shoot Erotic Photography", "Contact Your Angels", "How to Talk to Your Angels" (I suppose  "Contact Your Angels" is a pre-requisite unless you have a note from your angel), and "Living in Buddha Standard Time".  Even though classes begin at $.99 I still think you're being ripped off...except for that erotic photography course (although you do have to provide your own fruit). 

The wedding reception went off very well.   Lots of relatives discussing hurricane damage, how nice everyone looks, and tumors.  Getting a cab home from Broadway & 39th proved problematic.  You'd think a bride, in full wedding dress, standing out in the street, hailing a taxi would attract some attention.  This can be a tough town.

There will be a Labor Day parade on September 10th celebrating the end of summer and inability to read a calendar.  Guess they didn't want it to conflict with Hand Sanitizer Key Chain Day. 

Cowabunga!  There was a surfing championship at Long Beach, NY.  Gidget goes Gotham!  And the U.S. Open tennis tournament at Forrest Hills.  And yet together they couldn't fill the void left by the absence of Jerry Lewis. 

Flew home Monday night on Jet Blue, which is really just Virgin American with Sirius/XM.   On the ride to the airport I thought I saw a street vendor selling jewelry, twenty mattresses, and two nitrogen canisters.   All in all a lovely trip.  The wedding reception was a big hit.  Just wish I had known about Dunkin' Donuts being kosher beforehand.  I could have saved a fortune!

I'm conducting a free Teleseminar

On Tuesday September 13th, I will be conducting a FREE teleseminar answering your questions on sitcom writing.  Again, it's free.  And it will also be available if you can't hear it live.  All you have to do is register.  No salesmen will call.  You will not be receiving any brochure to buy land in areas recently hit by Irene.  


Just go here.   I'll talk to ya on the 13th.

My thoughts on the pilot season so far (one month into it)

I’ll be very interested to see how this pilot season shakes out. So far it’s been very different from other pilot seasons.

It used to be, writers the networks liked would come in and pitch ideas. The nets would buy seemingly the best ones over a four month period. Scripts would come in, presumably the best ones would get chosen for production, and the best pilots got on the air. That system has been bastardized by networks now owning studios and selecting mostly their own product over outside ideas, a sprinkling of commitments (usually to producers who already have a hit show on that network), and there are non-writing pod producers making sales because of close relationships to network executives. But still, the framework of writers selling ideas remains the basic template.

Not this year though. This season (at least from what I hear and read), there are way more package deals going in – generally involving a hot feature director or screenwriter or piece of talent. And there is a lot more bidding for projects among the networks. Bidding wars always up the ante and in this case networks have been obliged to give production commitments and/or agree to large penalties if the projects don’t make it to series. Now the penalties are often fool’s gold. Networks back out of them routinely. They roll over a commitment or find some other compensation, and writers and studios rarely hold their feet to the fire because they want to be in business with the network in the future.

But the production commitments, those are huge. Why? Because the networks only make a finite number of pilots and that number has been dwindling for years. So if a network say is only going to make ten dramas and four of them are already spoken for, the odds of you getting your pilot greenlit based just on a script are greatly reduced.

And probably one of those four projects turns in a script that is a piece of shit. Feature people generally think TV is a breeze only to discover the hard way that constructing and writing a good television pilot is a holy bitch.

Here’s what I don’t understand: great pilots are rare. No one really knows what they want. Everyone is shooting at moving targets. Budgets are shrinking and as I said, networks are now making fewer pilots. So against that landscape, why limit your options even further? Why handcuff yourself with commitments? How many times have we seen crazed bidding wars for Sundance Festival can’t-miss winning movies that ultimately bombed at the boxoffice. And those were finished products. These are just ideas, with elements attached.

I’ve read some of the comedy premises for these 2012 projects that are so hot and they’re ideas like a journalist gets laid off and winds up working in a mall or a recently divorced parent tries to adjust to being single again. Wow! The execution better be through the roof because we've seen 45,000 variations of those two premises (in the last three years alone). 

Yes, there is an argument to be made for locking up the best talent available (or what you perceive as the best talent available) and some of these deals could work out great. But I worry that there are too many of them, too many put pilots, and networks might find themselves behind the eight ball. A writer comes up with a brilliant fresh idea but the network has spent its allotted budget. A writer writes a dynamite script but the last production slot has to go to a commitment, even though it’s not as good. So at the end of the day, if the commitment pilot is a train wreck, you have to also ask yourself – how many other potentially good pilots did you have to pass on to make this mess?

All I’m saying to the networks is this: save some room. The development season is only a month old. Don’t be in such a rush to fill your slate.

And writers – get busy on your specs. Because when those high profile projects of today turn in their scripts in January, there is going to be a lot of penalty renegotiating and put pilot postponements. The winner of the next bidding war frenzy could be you.

Later today I will have an announcement about a free teleseminar I will be conducting about sitcom writing.  Check back later for the details.  

Happy Labor Day

Seems like only yesterday the Labor Day holiday songs started flooding the radio. As I sit here on this low cyber-traffic weekend I’m reminded of how, as a kid, September was always a big month. So much to look forward to.

As hard as it is to believe, when the networks unveiled their fall shows it was a BIG DEAL. A real big deal. Remember “NBC WEEK”? When they rolled out their new fare they also offered full-color glossy yearbooks you could send away for. I must’ve had six. Now it’s “NBC WEAK.” CBS had a half hour “preview show” in which they would show snippets of their new shows. It got the highest rating of the week. During the summer you would watch daytime game shows just to see the promos. ABC usually got the jump on the other networks by premiering their new lineup first. THE JETSONS was water cooler stuff.

And to coincide with the new season, US automakers unveiled their new models for the year. All summer they would tease you by showing the cars hidden under large sheets. Major speculation over whether the Chevy Impala’s fins could get any larger. They were already the size of A-frame houses. And what was this new car Ford was introducing called the Mustang?

So what do I have to look forward to this September? The WNBA finals, a new iPod, Adida Techfit Compression football uniforms, and NEXT September -
- the Katie Couric talk show!!  I'm counting the hours.

MANNEQUIN 2: Exclusive Background Info!!!

In light of my discussion on living with writing boxoffice flops, a few of you have asked for more details on our MANNEQUIN 2 triumph.  Here's a repost from a few years on just that prickly subject.
It's become a cult classic! Rarely does a decade go by without someone asking me about MANNEQUIN 2. So for all you MAN2 fans (that's what it's known as in film schools -- many graduate programs have courses devoted to it) here's how me and David Isaacs came to have our names on this cinematic classic.

We did an extensive rewrite on MANNEQUIN 1, working for a couple of swell guys – Bruce McNall (former owner of the LA KINGS who later was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison) and David Begelman (who as President of Columbia Pictures was caught forging bogus expense checks as Cliff Robertson).

They wanted to pay us in TV’s but our agent insisted on money. (What’s 10% of a television, the speakers?) We did the rewrite in two weeks, actually had fun with it, and did receive our payment in US currency. (It was on this rewrite that we instituted the “24 second logic clock”. We were not going to get bogged down discussing whether a mannequin would do this or that. 24 seconds of debate, we picked a course of action and just went with it.)

MANNEQUIN was a huge hit, enough to warrant MANNEQUIN 2. Again we got the call to rewrite it. “For luck” as Begelman said. We said fine but we’d like more “lucky bucks”. This time they were willing to throw in a VCR and camcorder but again we insisted on money.

This script was even worse than the first but did our best. We turned it in, ran immediately to the bank to cash our checks, and then forgot about it. Months later we received the shooting script (further revised from ours) and the proposed credits. To our horror the script was worse and the studio was giving us shared credit.

We called our agent. Did we even WANT credit on this stinkburger? Yes, he said, because we would then be entitled to royalties. Okay then.

Anytime there is more than the original writer listed on the proposed credits the matter automatically goes to a WGA arbitration. I’ve been involved on both sides of this aisle – petitioning and arbitrating. Each writer drafts a statement pleading his case. These are always long, impassioned, pleas – how the idea came from their own lives and suffering and if they lost it would be a miscarriage of justice on the scale of OJ. We certainly in good conscience couldn’t write something like that. So what we wrote instead was:

To Whom It May Concern:

According to the bylaws set forth by the WGA credits manual we believe the credit should stand as proposed. Thank you.

That’s it.

We WON.

When the movie finally was released (escaped) I was announcing for the Orioles. We were in Detroit. I went to see it on opening night. Big multiplex theatre. There were six people in the audience…counting me.

The movie went on to make nothing. McNall went to the federal pen. Begelman eventually killed himself. The film aired on a major network and has been showing for years on cable channels. Our agent was right. There were royalties we were entitled to.

We never saw a penny.

We should’ve taken the TV. At least we could sell it on ebay.

How to write a love song

Compliments of the always brilliant, Axis of Awesome.



And I posted this early last year, but in case you missed it -- here's their greatest hit (which is every other hit in rock n' roll).

Inside TV questions

Hello from New York. Is there anything better than Labor Day weekend in Gotham? Here are this week’s Friday Questions and answers.

DyHrdMET gets us started:

I was watching a rerun of CHEERS on TV the other day and it was an episode with what I guess you'd call a "recurring character" - not a series regular, but someone with many appearances over the 11 year run of the show (it was Ma Clavin returning to Boston for a visit and Cliff not letting her stay with him).

How do you write and produce those episodes with regards to the actor/actress guest starring? Do the writers pitch the idea and write it and hope the producers can get the necessary guest star(s) that week to tape the show? Or does it get written and put in the drawer until the guest star has an opening in their schedule? Or does the guest star come knocking on the door of the show's offices looking for work and the writers room has to create a storyline on the spot?

Usually someone in the writers room will spark to a story idea that involves that character. We’ll have the casting director immediately call that actor’s agent and check on his availability. Assuming he’s still interested in playing that character we’ll get an idea of when he’s free. Sometimes there may be a small window if say he’s committed to a play in New York or on location filming a movie. If we know he’s available for three weeks in October we’ll try to plan accordingly. If his schedule is open we tell the agent to keep in touch. You’d be surprised how fast open schedules close up.

Another option is re-casting if you have your heart set on doing a show with that character but the actor is not available. This doesn’t happen often but I can give one example of it. From CHEERS. For the part of Gary, Sam's bar rival, Joel Polis played him originally. But when we needed a Bar Wars episode that was locked into a specific date and Joel wasn’t available, Robert Desiderio was hired. From there we bounced back and forth between the two depending on availability.


From Chris:

On YES, DEAR the first aired episode was written by Greg Garcia and Alan Kirschenbaum, the show's creators, so it seemed pretty obvious it was the pilot, but its production code was 109, the second episode had the 101 production code and it was written by two other writers.

How do production codes get assigned and how does that work?

Quite often pilots have different production numbers. It’s grouped with other pilots that studio is producing that season. Once it goes to series and has its own license fee it gets assigned a different sequence of numbers. You may the only person in the world who made note of YES DEAR production code discrepancies.

From another Chris -- Chris G:

What was at the top of the stairs that led into Cheers? Did the stairs ever present any issues in terms of blocking, timing, actors spraining ankles, etc.?

You mean the stairs that led up to Melville’s? Nothing. A wooden platform and another staircase that dropped you off backstage. To my knowledge there were no mishaps. We did have an episode where the Coach falls down the stairs but we used a stunt person to do the tumble.


Jim S asks:

How did Grant Tinker pick shows? It seems that he took NBC from last to first in about 10 minutes, supporting shows that were excellent, but no popular right off the bat, shows such as Hill Street Blues, Cheers, and picked winners that changed the course of TV. Sitcoms were considered dead when Cosby hit the air.

Was it he had faith in his judgment? Or did he know how test better?

Grant did have faith in his judgment, stood by his decisions even when ratings weren’t initially favorable, and he surrounded himself with the best creative people in the business – the best writers and producers, and the best network president in Brandon Tartikoff.

And the big key is that Grant left you alone. He created a nurturing atmosphere where people could do their best. The result? The work was more inspired and the best people wanted to bring their projects to NBC because of the environment.

It’s a formula that worked for him at MTM and worked again at NBC. And remember, when he took over NBC it was a mess. Within a few years it was back to being number one along with cleaning up at the Emmys.

I know what you’re saying: Then why don’t network presidents follow that formula today?

Why indeed.

What’s your Friday question (besides the one above – for which there is no good answer)?

DANCING WITH THE PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR STARS Announces New Line-up!

ABC has announced it’s new set of celebrities for the 13th season of DANCING WITH THE STARS and to say it’s a joke is an understatement. These are stars??? Really???


Nancy Grace – cable news attention whore.


David Arquette – biggest claim to fame was being dumped by Courtney Cox.

Ron Artest – Unstable L.A. Laker who is changing his name to “Metta World Peace”.

Chaz Bono – Son and former daughter of Sonny & Cher. Last seen on CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

Elizabetta Canalis – star qualification: George Clooney’s dumped girlfriend.

Rob Kardashian – Of all the many Kardashians they could have picked, Rob??? That’s like picking Gummo Marx.

Kristin Cavallari – You’ve hated her in LAGUNA BEACH, THE HILLS, and THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY. Bimbo idiot.

Carson Kressly – from QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY, that big hit cable show… in 2003.


Ricki Lake – Been up and down more than her weight.


J.R. Martinez – Soap opera person.

Hope Solo – Soccer player who posed nude for ESPN The Magazine. Not even Playboy. ESPN.

What a sad collection of losers, nobodies, and hanger-ons. This show is a haven for D-list celebrities to try to resurrect their flimsy careers. The desperation is palpable.

Who’s left for season 14? Octomom, the Unibomber, Suri Cruise, Michael Vick, Lorena Bobbit, Joanne Worley, Barry Bonds’ trainer, Brian Dunkleman, the greeter at the Palm, Jamie McCourt, Claudine Longet, and Spongebob Square Pants?

What’s amazing to me is this: the so-called stars from Season 13 are not much different from the nimrods in previous seasons. Tucker Carlson, Jerry Springer, Wayne Newton, Josie Maran, Holly Madison, Ty Murray, Tom DeLay, Louie Vito, Kate Gosselin, David Hasselhoff, Audrina Patridge, and Bristol Palin, for godsakes, who tromped around like a transformer and actually finished third.

At one time on CBS there was a show called CIRCUS OF THE STARS. Now you can imagine how tacky that was. And yet, the stars included Lucille Ball, Burt Lancaster, Janet Leigh, Lana Turner (did I mention this was CIRCUS OF THE STARS?), James Earl Jones, Whoopi Goldberg, Angela Lansbury, Vincent Price, Lyn Redgrave, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Rock Hudson, Glenn Ford, and Debbie Reynolds. There’s no way that Chaz Bono or Kristin Cavallari makes that roster. On the other hand, I would PAY to see Nancy Grace in a lion’s cage.

The point is: the bar has been lowered – to where it’s now on the ground. At what point do we say enough?  Rob Kardashian is considered a star?  Do the Menendez Brothers have to be co-champions before we decide that DANCING WITH THE STARS has run its course? My guess is yes.

Personally, I have a rule. I will watch no show featuring “stars” where I’m a bigger name than any of them.

I'm holding another Sitcom Room Seminar

After a two year's hiatus I'm holding another Sitcom Room weekend seminar.  It will be the weekend of November 12-13, 2011 at the elegant LAX Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles.

Anyone who's been a professional sitcom writer knows that the most fun part of the job is being locked in a room with incredibly funny people.  Yes, at times you want to tear your hair out, but even then -- imagine going to work and laughing for ten hours every day.

And more and more sitcoms are being room-written these days.  Shows like BIG BANG THEORY don't assign scripts to individual writers.  The entire staff sits around a table and cobbles the draft together.  The more training you have in this unique way of writing, the more marketable you become.

And this is the only seminar/workshop that teaches you those skills.

THE SITCOM ROOM is a two day EXTENSIVE workshop that simulates just what it's like to be on a sitcom writing staff.   You'll be broken up into groups of "writing rooms", actual working Hollywood actors will perform a scene, and then (after an extensive briefing and many insider tips) you'll go back to the room and rewrite the crap out of it.   The next day the actors return and perform YOUR scene.

It's a great learning experience, a great bonding experience, a great glimpse into the real workings of television.   But be forewarned -- this is only for people who enjoy laughing.

For details, just go here.   Registration is limited to only 20 attendees.  Each person gets personal attention.  Soon I will announce when registration is open.  But if you're on the email alert, you will get the word before I post it in the blog.

Once again.  Here's where you go to learn more.  I've already had one graduate land a staff job on a network show.  Whether you're interested in becoming a sitcom writer or just want a "fantasy camp" experience to see what it's like working on a TV show, the SITCOM ROOM is for you.

UPDATE:

Here's an article that T.V. critic Alan Sepinwall wrote for the N.J. Star-Ledger about the first Sitcom Room.  You'll notice a lot of the article is devoted to whether the sitcom is dead?  I think we can agree, now five years later, that the sitcom is back and only getting stronger, which is good news for me.  I sure didn't want to start the PROCEDURAL DRAMA ROOM. 

Tweets worth Re-Tweeting

I was going to post this yesterday as a birthday toast, but then Annie built the Ikea cabinet and I had to go with that instead.  So here it is today -- a few of her Tweets. Tomorrow, the story of how she solves crimes (no, just kidding).

How long do you think it will be before Victoria Secret starts marketing itself as "The Halloween Costume Superstore"?

Apparently my twitter account was hacked into. I don't have a way for anyone to make money. If I did, I'd be doing that rather than tweeting

National Geographic recreated the floating house from UP! Next step: An adorable robot that cleans up waste and loves Hello Dolly!

It's National Grammar Day! I think I'll celebrate by putting a preposition at the end of every sentence it's in.

Charlie Sheen wants another Major League movie? The way things are going with him & Willie Mays Hayes it better be a Prison Baseball League

What is everyone so bitter about Valentine's Day? It's a national excuse to eat chocolate. And I plan to celebrate for weeks and weeks.

I love MOMA, but out of curiosity at what point is something made in 1880 no longer considered "modern"?

What would be the difference between a TRUE BLOOD spec and creepy fan fiction? Because I bet it would be pretty minimal at this point...

After watching the trailer for the new "Arthur," I find it incredibly ironic that a lot of the movie is about wasting money.

Once again Santa didn't bring me anything. I even baked him cookies. Sure they were in the shape of menorahs, but that still counts...

I'm semi-relieved that most of these new shows are terrible; I didn't have the time for any more serious TV commitments.

Why do I still watch True Blood? Did Sookie just check Bill's pulse? Why would a vampire have a pulse?

I still love Blossom. Even if she can't dress herself.

@ dodger stadium for "viva Los dodgers" and "Jewish Community Day." always a winning combination.

Is it just me or do Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester look super similar? PS. Please don't judge my taste in TV shows entirely on this tweet.

I got a ticket for parking on my own street. It was definitely because my car isn't nearly as nice as everyone elses. Automotive profiling?

Hey INCEPTION, thanks for these crazy meta dreams.

The new Health Care Bill will impose a 10% tax on Tanning Salon Customers? My heart bleeds for the cast of Jersey Shore.

Gym. Tan. Laundry. (minus Gym and Tan)

"Look they have a trivia night. You should go; you're trivial." -My Mother

Handy Annie

I am not what you’d call “handy”. When I was in the 5th grade I took part in a citywide model boat competition. For weeks I built my wooden sailboat – sawing and sanding and hammering and varnishing. It looked awful. Lopsided, nails every which way, jagged instead of rounded curves. If they gave the same exercise to monkeys they could build better boats.

I took my funky vessel to Rancho Park for the competition. There must’ve been over 300 kids who participated in these boat races. Much to my embarrassment, the next day the Herald Examiner published the results. Out of 300+ entries I finished second to dead last. I beat one other boat and a third sunk.

Shop classes in Junior High were a disaster. My sugar scooper looked like an IUD insertion device. I can’t build things.

I always used to joke that if I ever killed someone and there was an All-Points-Bulletin out on me and I was looking for somewhere to hide, somewhere where I know no one would ever think to look for me – I would hide out at an Ikea.

So it was with much trepidation that I agreed to help my daughter construct some furniture she purchased recently at Ikea’s. Annie just moved into a new apartment and bought a desk, night table, and dresser. The night before I tried to talk myself into this. Hey, it’s not rocket science. You’re a grown adult. How hard can it be to read a set of instructions and just follow them? The instructions can’t be that complicated otherwise no one would buy the items. And hey, my boat didn’t sink. It just kept going in circles but didn’t sink. I could do this thing.

On Friday morning I arrived at her place, pumped. This was going to be my chance to prove that I wasn’t totally helpless.

First up was the desk, least complicated of the three.  I took the pieces out of the box. So far, so good. There was a set of instructions that looked very doable and weren't in Japanese. Every step was carefully explained. Also included was a little sealed plastic bag filled with the screws and pegs needed to do the job. Right away I was in trouble. There were no instructions on how to open the little plastic bag. I had to improvise and use the scissors. What if I didn’t have scissors, Ikea? Then what?

Step two (step one being the baggie) was to attach four long double-sided screws into the corners of the desktop. They didn’t fit. And since they were double-sided, you couldn’t use a screwdriver to twist them into the wood tabletop. And trying to twist them without a tool just ripped up your hands. Ten minutes of that and we said, “Okay, that’s enough of that.” We put the desk aside and moved onto the nightstand.

So I'm helpless?  So what?  I have other talents.  I can live with that.  I have before.

Having successfully rationalized my uselessness, we proceeded to the nightstand. 

The finished product would look like this: A little square with two sliding drawers. The dresser was larger with many drawers. To me that was like building the bridge on the River Kwai. Not a chance. So we set out to conquer the nightstand, although if we didn’t get past step two in the more simple designed desk, what chance would we have with this bad boy?

The nightstand came in a bigger box with all kinds of pieces and a much bigger bag of screws, nails, pegs, plastic doo-hickeys, and round gym-gicks. We emptied the contents onto the floor, I got one look at them and said, “Let's go see a movie.” But Annie, God bless her, said, “No. We can do this one.”

And she was right.

Except – that by “we” she meant “she” could do it.

You’d think raising a daughter you’d know her strengths and weaknesses. I had no idea. Annie laid out that instruction booklet and just dove in.  I stayed off to the side silently saying, "Who is this child?"  I watched in awe as my little princess built this pesky cabinet with the ease and assurance of a highly-trained contractor who charges two hundred an hour and then never shows. I was relegated to inserting wooden pegs and handing her the appropriate tool, and on more than one occasion was told, “No, not that screwdriver, daddy, the other one.” There are different screwdrivers it seems.

Within no time she had this nightstand built. The drawers fit! They were on rollers and when you pulled them out, they actually rolled! Now I know what it must be like to see your child win an Olympic event.

(Forget genetics.  I have two kids.  One can build furniture, the other is an engineer. If they didn't look like me I'd be getting tests right now.)

We were going to tackle the dresser but it was lunchtime (11:25 is lunchtime, right?). She had things to do in the afternoon and couldn’t get to the dresser till later. I was a little disappointed. It was fun watching her work.

Experiences like these are great for daddy-daughter bonding, although usually it’s the dad who builds doll houses or constructs cabinets for the kitchen. It’s not the daughter who does the work while dad inserts eight wooden pegs. But we’re a strange little family anyway.

The thing is – like I said – I never knew. My daughter surprises and delights me everyday with new things she can do, or new funny things that she says. I may not be a handy man but I’m a lucky man.

Today is Annie’s birthday. Have a happy and joyous one. I love you, sweetheart. Sorry to say I can’t bake a cake. But I know you can.

Tomorrow: a look at some of those funny things.

One of those truly uncomfortable moments in life

From time to time, folks in show business try to use contacts to get house seats for various plays and musicals. Some participants of a production – like playwright, director, actors – are entitled to a certain number of house seats for each performance and often they don’t use them. So through agents, casting directors, friends, or on those rare occasions, actually knowing the participants yourself, you can sometimes score their house seats.

A number of years ago at the Huntington Hartford Theatre in Los Angeles there was a new play by Herb Gardner starring Judd Hirsch that my wife and I wanted to see. In this case, I did not know anyone. I had met Judd on a couple of occasions when I was on CHEERS and he was still doing TAXI on the same lot. But those were only momentary “Nice to meet you” encounters. Still, through the casting director of the show I was working on at the time I got Judd's house seats.

We go to the theatre, they’re great seats, and about ten minutes before the performance Judd’s assistant approaches and says Judd would like us to come back to his dressing room after the show. Okay. That’s a little strange. Often as a courtesy, you will go backstage to thank the person for the seats or just leave him a note acknowledging your gratitude. It’s a little odd to be summoned.

All through the play I’m wondering – what does he want? Does he have an idea for a show he wants to pitch? Is he just a big fan of my shows? Does he want to go out with my wife?

After the show the assistant reappears and escorts us backstage to Judd’s dressing room. And here’s where it gets weird.

We walk in and immediately, by the look on his face, it’s clear he doesn’t know me from Adam. He must’ve thought I was somebody else -- someone that he did know. But of course he doesn’t want to be rude so he pretends that he does know us. At which point we don't want to embarrass him by saying he doesn't know us so we pretend that we know him as well.

So now the three of us engage in the most excruciatingly awkward conversation ever. I don’t recall what we talked about. I just remember a whole lot of pauses. All the while I kept hoping the assistant would pop her head in and say there were other well-wishers or the theatre was fire. Nothing. There was no escape.

After what seems like an hour (it was probably ten minutes) we go to the babysitter card and gracefully make our exit.  Moments later our car screams out of the parking lot. 

The next day the casting director who arranged for the tickets said Judd called her and asked, “Who the hell was that?” Then, when she told him, he said, “Oh. Glad he stopped by.”

The next time I’m just buying tickets.