Sitcom Room 5

SITCOM ROOM 5 was held this weekend at that shrine of comedy, the Los Angeles Airport Hilton. For two days twenty attendees experienced what it’s like to be on staff of a sitcom...while mingling with 1500 Anime conventioneers in costume.  (My report and pictures of that event manana.) None left saying they’d rather hide in Death Valley than ever do this again, so I considered it a big success!   And the Sitcom Room students seemed satisfied too.  

Among the things they learned were:

The two “Reds” that all writers require are Red Vines and Red Bull.

There’s always a way to solve story structure. There is no way out of the parking structure.

Jane Espenson explained how new writers can use the new media to get discovered.

Ken Levine, Dan O'Shannon, Jane Espenson, David Isaacs

Air conditioning is a good thing.

The pros and cons of gangbanging.

Servicing actors (not to be confused with gangbanging).

Dan O'Shannon (Executive Producer of MODERN FAMILY) listed the four things a writer needs to become successful.

Jokes are easy. Stories are hard.

Norm stories on CHEERS were particularly hard.

David Isaacs shared the secret of what makes a good pilot.  


Savers.



The difference between men and women (besides that).

When you’re finished eating the take-out Chinese food throw everything out. Immediately!

What shows to write for your spec. 

What shows not to write for your spec. (hint: I hope you’re not too far along on that HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN.)

There's only so many things you can store in the front of your pants.

Runthrough etiquette.

The Volkswagen test.


How to handle network notes.


The FRIENDS lawsuit.


The smart way to write a dumb character.

Why a comedy writer should never wear a toupee or Hawaiian shirt (not that anyone should).

Ways to fix troubled scenes.

How to run a room.

How to get a laugh without a joke.

Common mistakes in spec scripts.


Tips on how to get an agent.


What's funny at 5:30 in the morning.

You don’t have to be the funniest person in the writing room to be the most valuable.


The laugh that took fifteen years to understand.


Should you send a spec of a show to that show?

Nothing goes better with Oreo Double-stuffs than beer.

The rule of threes.

The best book for learning how to be funny is Improv Comedy by Andy Goldberg.

… and finally -- 5-Hour Energy works!!! (Oh wait, it’s me who learned that.)


Thanks to Dan O’Day, David Isaacs, Jane Espenson, Dan O'Shannon, Andy Goldberg, Kimberly Wallis, Jeremy Licht, Annie Abrams, Annie Levine, Cliff Levine, Jonathan Emerson, the security manager who let me out of the parking structure, and especially the attendees for making Sitcom Room 5 such a great experience.



Get on our mailing list for next time.

A few of those attendees may comment. I'm holding my breath.  

Bad teenage advice

Hello from the Sitcom Room. Great students. Great scenes. The All-Star writing panel follows at 3. Reports later in the week from those who survived the experience.

My Sitcom Room partner, Dan O'Day recently went on a video rant calling out a '60s artist whose hits espoused maybe the worst romantic advice any young man could receive.  This is why Dan has been in therapy twice a day for forty years. 

Video you gotta see: Hawkeye Pierce as serial killer

From Daniel Geraghty. Great stuff. But there go all our Peabody and Humanitas awards.

How do you write alone?

Hello from the LAX Hilton where The SITCOM ROOM is underway. Twenty attendees are divided into four “writing teams” and are learning first-hand what a writers’ room is really like. Hopefully, they’ll gain more knowledge than weight.  And not be too distracted by the Anime convention that is also going on this weekend at our hotel.   Fortunately, I'm dressed like Speed Racer.

But back on topic:  at least they’ll have each other. Writing alone is a lonely enterprise and having that social interaction can make the process a lot more fun and (if you have the right group) expedient.

But what if you have to write alone? How do you develop the discipline to face the tyranny of the blank screen?

This is a task made even more difficult these days because we have the internet and worse, Angry Birds at our fingertips.

There’s no right answer; just various methods and tricks others have used. You have to find the one that’s right for you. But here are a few options:

Pick a specific time of day and force yourself to sit down and work at that time. Could be early morning or the middle of the day while the kids are at school. I’m a night person. I will tend to write late at night when the house is quiet and there’s nothing on TV but infomercials and GOLDEN GIRLS reruns. Many like to get up early, get their writing out of the way and be done for the day.

Pick a specific amount of time. An hour, several hours. Writer/goddess, Jane Espenson goes on half-hour or hour “writing sprints” where she clears the deck and works non-stop during those periods. 

Some people need goals. They have to write a certain number of pages or scenes before they step away. If they finish that script by Tuesday they'll treat themselves to a Thai massage at that new parlor next to the bail bonds place.

Finding comfortable conditions is key for some writers. Are you a “must be isolated with no noise whatsoever” kind of a person? Or are you a “must be in public where there’s activity and energy all around” kind of guy?   Proust used to write in bed.  If Shakespeare were still alive I'm sure he'd be a Starbucks man. 

Does music provide some inspiration? A noted poet friend of mine has Jackie Wilson records blaring while she writes poetry. They all end up reading like “Lonely Teardrops” but still.

One method I don’t recommend but writers have been using it for centuries is getting completely shit-faced before writing.  Get your supplies at Staples, not BevMo. 

Another method that works for some (but not for me) is waiting until the last minute and then just blasting forward. They need that self-imposed pressure and prelude to their next heart attack.

Look, writing is hard. If it wasn’t then Kim Kardashian would be doing it (especially if she could do it in bed). But if you find the right way to work (for you), it can make the process far more manageable. Personally, I’m not the best person to ask. I checked my email twice while writing this post.

But how do you work and why?  If we can't all write together, we can at least tell each other how we do write.  

Back to the SITCOM ROOM.

Oceans 11-11-11

Today is 11-11-11.  There's got to be a revival movie house somewhere playing OCEANS 11 and its two sequels today.  I can't imagine sitting through them all in one sitting but still. 

Meanwhile, I'm getting ready for the SITCOM ROOM seminar that begins tomorrow in Los Angeles. Got a few surprises in store for this year’s group.  Heh heh heh (that's me doing a “diabolical cackle”)

Here are this week's Friday Questions.  I thought of doing 11 of them, but then I thought -- that's nuts!

Stephen is up first:

How do you shoot those transition shots in a series? For example, Ally McBeal must have featured dozens of aerial shots of Boston in between scenes over the course of its run. Does a cameraman get sent to the city/location in question and just film a pre-set list of footage?

Two ways. Most of the time you send a second-unit crew out to the location to shoot a ton of establishing shots. Day, night, different times of year, weather conditions, different angles, push-ins, pans, etc.

The second (cheaper) way is to just buy footage from studio libraries.

We once had a pilot set in Chicago and bought footage from MTM for THE BOB NEWHART SHOW (it was set in Chicago). In the corner of one shot we used, just for a split second, you could see Newhart.   We figured that was good luck. We were wrong. The pilot was never picked up. Thanks a lot, Bob!

From Weston:

There has to be some amazing moments on the set of M*A*S*H*. Life Hawkeye and Maragret on the front lines when they end up kissing. What is your favorite?

The first shot on the first day of the first episode we wrote (“Out of Sight/Out of Mind”). Watching Alan Alda and Harry Morgan actually perform a scene that we wrote was practically surreal. I had to keep pinching myself. I just couldn’t believe it.

You never forget your first. 

DyHrdMET asks:

I saw your name listed in the credits to an episode of M*A*S*H as "Teleplay by KEN LEVINE & DAVID ISAACS". What does that actually mean - how did you contribute to this episode? If it helps, it was the episode "Post Op" where the 4077th has a shortage of blood and a lot of casualties.

We wrote the script but in that case, Gene Reynolds & Jay Folb came up with the story, not us. We were just handed the outline. That particular episode came at the very end of the season when lead-time was non-existent. We were brought in and asked to quickly write the script. That’s one of the MASH episodes I’m most proud of, because we did write it in only a few days, and they used probably 95% of our draft.

Oh, if only they were all that easy... 

Phillip B has a question based on my recent post about agents:

Is 10% still the show business standard? Does that commission run forever on residuals? And who else gets a piece?

Yes. It’s mandated in the contract agents sign with the WGA. But agents receive no commission on residuals.

Where agents really make their fortune is on “package deals”. If their client creates a show the agency makes a “package deal”. They lobby hard for the show to get picked up and negotiate on its behalf. For that they receive a percentage of ownership. If the show goes on to be a mega hit like FRIENDS or SEINFELD then CA-CHING!

But if the agent has a package deal on the show then they can’t double-dip. In other words, they can’t also take a commission from clients of that agency who work on that show. It’s a good deal for writers of that agency. If they’re on an agency package show they pay no commission. That’s like getting a 10% bonus.

And finally, from Ed Dempsey:

Here' s a Friday question about a Cheers episode from season 1 that I came across on Netflix. The episode is"Friends, Romans, Accountants". At the end of the episode Norm's co-workers, delighted that he actually stood up to his boss, carry him out of the bar on the shoulders. As he's being carried off, it looks like he mouths "WTF". Did you and David write this into the script or did this truly catch George Wendt off guard?

I think he says “What the hell?” We never did get the ending we wrote. In our script as Norm is hoisted on everyone’s shoulders and is carried out the door the toga gets caught on something and flies off. But we could never make that gag physically work. Too bad. Would have been a hell of an ending.

What’s your question? Hope 11-11-11 is a lucky day for you.  If not, there's always 12-12-12.

A writer's pet peeve

WARNING: This is one of my cranky rants about nothing but I'm compelled to complain about anyway.  (Andy Rooney lives.)

It drives me nuts when I’m at a concert and in the middle of a song the performer breaks the mood to introduce somebody or do a joke. The songwriters worked hard to craft a song that had a certain story or evoked a certain emotion, and the singer destroys it by blurting out “my new CD is in the lobby!” or "on piano -- the King Kong of the Keyboards -- Mr. Lester Spork!"

A prime offender of this was Sinatra during the ring-a-ding Rat Pack era. No one was ever better at interpreting songs than Frank Sinatra.  Yet put him on stage with a drink in his hand and he suddenly became the Kingfish. He’d respectfully credit the songwriter then in the middle of “Eb Tide” break into an Amos & Andy voice and slander Sammy Davis.

Sure you should introduce your band and backup singers and fog machine operator but not in the middle of “Unchained Melody.”  Lyrics are not just words you sing between racial slurs. 

What if actors followed this practice during plays.

WHO’S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF

George: You can sit around with the gin running out of your mouth; you can humiliate me; you can tear me to pieces all night, that's perfectly okay, that's all right.

Martha: You can stand it!

George: I cannot stand it!

Martha: You can stand it, you married me for it! Ladies and gentlemen, Buster Ignatz, our Art Director!

HAMLET

Hamlet: In the most high and palmy state of Rome,

A little ere the mightiest Julius fell,

The graves stood tenantless, and the sheeted dead

How about these costumes? Ladies and gentlemen, Ruth Schmegegy and the gals from the shop!

Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets.

The television equivalent is Pop-Up videos. As an “experiment” they employed them one time during an episode of ABC’s SABRINA THE TEEN WITCH.

Sabrina: Aunt Hilda, I’ve done all I can do, period.

BLIP: Melissa Joan Hart’s first period came six days after her 13th birthday.

And it extends even beyond TV. This is a true story.  I was at a bachelor party for a member of CHEERS.

Two women strippers were engaging in some very fine girl-on-girl action when one turned to us and said, “So you guys write CHEERS? How does that work? Does one person write the whole script or do you each take characters…?”  Needless to say, all the flags were lowered to half-mast.

Anyway, you get the idea. Just sing the song. Or suckle her breasts. Again, it’s a matter of respect for the writers.  Thank you.

Tick...tick..tick..tick...

How we did that cool stunt on CHEERS

Here’s a question I get asked so often I thought it warranted its own post.  Anthony Strand asked it most recently.

How did they achieve Sam's slide-a-beer-around-the-corner trick? Was there a track, or was that something Ted Danson could actually do? Or was it some third things?

This is referring to the “Endless Slumper” episode of CHEERS from season one, written by Sam Simon and directed by James Burrow. I’ve included the video of the show.  Well worth watching the whole thing.

Anyway, here’s how Jimmy and his crack crew did it:

A thin clear plastic filament was attached from the corner of the bar to the handle of the mug. Ted slid the mug. As it reached the elbow the filament tugged at the handle and swung it around the counter. Needless to say, the studio audience went nuts.  Physics -- a comedy writer's best friend.

Hollywood Agent Musical Chairs

I had a problem with JERRY MAGUIRE. You’re probably saying, “You bring this up now? The movie’s fifteen years old. What’s next? Your rant on Walkmans?” I will tie it in to a current event. You’ll see.

I’m not the only guy who had issues with JERRY MAGUIRE. A lot of men I know went in thinking they were going to a sports movie only to discover it was a thinly disguised chick flick. In the words of one disenchanted friend: “You lost me at hello.”

I had no problems with that. In fact, I thought the central love story was the best part of the movie. Okay, the line “You complete me” makes me want to gag but by and large, the film is filled with great lines, astute observations, and wonderful moments. I haven’t seen it in a while so I hope the love story part still holds up. The film was made before Tom Cruise became such a clown over Katie Holmes. I imagine you can still watch JERRY MA (my cool nickname) and separate his real life romance from the far superior one on the screen.

No, my quarrel was this: the entire movie spun around a completely bogus premise. Since most people don’t know the world Jerry Maguire lives in, they weren’t bothered by the big conceit. But I couldn’t get past it.

My agent recently switched agencies. (Toldja it will tie in.)  He went from one biggie to another. My partner and I followed him. This has happened several times during the course of our career. And each time we were left with a choice – stay at the current agency or go with the agent to his new home. Usually, if you’ve established some relationship with the agent you choose to stay with him. It’s not so much the agency as the person you’ve entrusted to handle your career.

Sometimes the old agency will make a big play to keep you. They’ll take you to lunch and do a full court press – all the resources they have, the connections, their enthusiasm, the plans for you, etc.

Note: If they take you to breakfast instead of lunch just go to the new place. Breakfast means the agency doesn’t give a shit if you stay or go. Lunch means interest, which can be gauged by where they take you. Spago = they need to keep you. El Torito = they’d like to keep you.

But often times if you stay at your existing tencentery (an even cooler nickname, although one I didn't make up) you’re just reassigned to another agent and ultimately you feel inherited. The new agent doesn’t really know you and sometimes you get the vibe that what you call a career he calls an additional workload dumped in his lap.

So back to JERRY MA. He’s a big sports agent at a major firm. He does something that gets himself fired. In the movie he’s ruined, loses all his clients, has to completely start over. That’s great for story purposes – the harder you can make things for your protagonist the better -- but in truth, he’s not ruined. He just goes to another agency and takes most of his clients with him. Those other agencies would be taking him to Spago for lunch. Hell, they’d take him to Mr. Chow's.

So the whole rest of the movie seemed fake to me.  But again, that's because I'm closer to the subject matter.    On the other hand, one of my favorite movies is THE VERDICT, starring Paul Newman, written by David Mamet and Barry Reed.   I love that flick!  Bought every second of it. But lawyer friends of mine loathe it.  To them it's completely laughable from start to finish.  I don't care.  And if you love JERRY MA, you're probably saying, "I don't care either, and stop calling it JERRY MA!"   And that's fine, but as a writer you always run a big risk when you take major creative license.  Both of these movies were executed so well.  Cameron Crowe is one of my favorite filmmakers (my quibbles with this film notwithstanding), and THE VERDICT also had the advantage of being directed by Sidney Lumet.   But you plot at your own peril.

I always feel cheated by JERRY MAGUIRE.   Everyone else loves it (or at least every woman).  I wanted to love it.  But what can I say?   “You lost me at goodbye”.

What's currently going on in the world of network television

Here we are in November, the new season is in full swing, and the development season for next year has begun. So here’s what’s going on right this very minute:

New shows have gotten their pick-ups for the back nine. Showrunners find that even though the workload increases, the job becomes easier because the network that touted their show as the next great thing now has a modicum of faith in it.

Every new series picked up will be promoted on air as either “the Number One New Comedy” or “the Number One New Drama” of the season.  Half will be canceled by season's end.

Producers of long running shows that changed time slots and are not faring as well are doing everything short of sending in goon squads to get their old time periods back.

Actors on first year shows are going to New York on hiatus to promote their shows. Actors on second year shows are booking flights to Hawaii and Aspen.

Networks are lobbying hard for stunt casting. Yes, your cast is wonderful, but is there any chance you could get the T-Mobile girl to guest one week?

The Kim Kardashian jokes have not stopped. Nor will they until December or when she remarries, whichever comes first.

The reality shows that will premiere next month are staging runthroughs. Cue the lasers and fog machines.

Writing staffs are counting the days until Thanksgiving and their first real break. Since production began in the summer they’ve been jamming non-stop. Now they’re saying, “If we can just get to Thanksgiving.” Then they’ll be saying, “If we can just get to Christmas.” And finally, “If we can just get to the medicine cabinet.”

At least three shows in production are imploding and will be shut down “temporarily”.

Producers of midseason shows are being told to step up production. Instead of premiering in January they might need to go on the air tomorrow.

Network development executives are looking at their slates after a wild and frenzied buying season and saying, “What the fuck did we do?”

Many of these pilot scripts have been assigned to actors and feature writers who have never written a TV pilot and are discovering, “Hey, this is hard!” This realization comes on page 3.

Development executives are scrambling to find projects with fairy tale characters.

Hang in there all! Thanksgiving is right around the corner!

America's Sweetheart Slasher

While we’re still… sorta, kinda… on the subjects of slasher movies and birthdays, to most of you Betsy Palmer is best known for being Jason’s mother in FRIDAY the 13th. She’s maybe the world’s most famous Hockey Mom.

But to us baby boomers Ms. Palmer is forever etched in our minds as a celebrity panelist on the I’VE GOT A SECRET game show from the 50s and 60s. And she was also playing Peter Pan in any dinner theater that could afford the flying apparatus.

So how does this cheery, chirpy pixie with a trademark smile and sixty teeth go from live game shows to blood splatter fests?

She needed to buy a car.

"What a piece of junk!” she said of the movie (not the car) in an early interview. “Nobody is ever going to see this piece of crap."

Any teenager who ever pissed in his (or her) pants knows that’s not true.

Betsy eventually embraced the franchise. And why not? No one ever became a cult figure asking contestants if their secret had anything to do with trampolines?

Betsy just turned 85. Happy Birthday. Your son is carving you a gift even as we speak.

My thoughts on Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney was our national curmudgeon. Every week on 60 MINUTES he would grouse about traffic or women’s hats or other people who grouse about women’s hats. In beautifully written detail he would call out paperclips or hypocrisy. I always loved Andy Rooney. He was a man of my own annoyed heart.

There’s an art to being a curmudgeon. It’s not enough to just complain about things, you have to be entertaining while doing it. Otherwise you’re just a crank or running for office. A good curmudgeon can say the things we wish we could say if we weren’t worried about losing our jobs or friends.

Andy Rooney was the best. You could watch him every week for 30 years and rarely say to the screen, “Oh shut up!” I’m sure Andy would consider that the ultimate compliment.

He was also one of the last curmudgeons. Yes, we still have Lewis Black, Fran Lieborwitz (when she's not just freeloading in the Hamptons), and a few other notable malcontents, but it’s not like the old days. Back in the ‘40s to the ‘60s, when Andy Rooney was just middle aged, the airwaves and publications were filled with these golden arch voices. George S. Kaufman, Oscar Levant, Henry Morgan, Fred Allen, and Dorothy Parker were just a few.  (The ones I missed would probably say, "Typical!")  They would showcase their razor-sharp wits on game show panels, radio shows, talk shows, newspaper columns, and celebrity funerals.  It was certainly their heyday.  There were way more forums and way fewer anti-depressant drugs.

But through all the eras, all the changing times, there was Andy Rooney – a beacon of bitching. I will miss him. I hope that whenever there’s a moment of silence for him on TV we see the little stopwatch in the corner.

And I for one intend to keep the flame alive, for if nothing else, the blogosphere is merely our generation’s answer to the second seat on the WHAT’S MY LINE? panel.

A shameless attempt to get you to buy my book

The holidays are coming up and you know what that means: time to plug my book again. It’s been weeks! WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED is that one stocking stuffer you have to have – even the ebook version. The Kindle/Nook/iPad/Sony Reader version is still only $2.99. Go here for all formats. Go right here for Kindle.  It's currently the number one travel book in Tennessee!

WTHAM? TIHS is a collection of humorous travelogues culled from ten years of curmudgeonly sojourns. What follows today are brief excerpts from several of the entries designed to make you want to order and read more.  Number ONE in Tennessee, people!   Laugh and enjoy. 

BIG SUR October 2007

Twice a year my wife has to go up to Berkeley for an academic conference, so we took the opportunity to have a romantic night in Big Sur, visit our son in Silicon Valley, and have a leisurely weekend getting lost thanks to the Avis GPS system.

Rented my first Prius at the San Jose airport. For an extra $10 a day you can get one with Oregon plates so you’ll really look like you’re going green. It would’ve been nice if Avis had included an owner’s manual. Questions I never solved: why did the little exclamation point warning light come on? What does it mean? And how do you get the car out of reverse?

Big Sur is absolutely breathtaking. And the drive to it on winding single-lane California Highway 1 offers spectacular views if you can just get by the traffic, gusty winds, septic tank trucks, construction, vertigo, panic attacks, drizzles, car sickness, and bikers.

Since the area is so stunningly gorgeous they take their New Age star gazing, crystals, plain-aired painting, scented candles, and Yanni very seriously. That’ll change when Walmart moves in.

Stayed at the Ventana Inn & Spa, which is my idea of “roughing it.” A plasma TV and wireless internet is a must for this hearty outdoorsman. Sure the fireplace wood was pre-chopped, treated, and in a convenient burlap bag, but I had to light it. Well…actually my wife lit it.

Did not sign up for the mushroom hunting expedition, which reminds me, lots of old hippies still make Big Sur their cave. They can all show you Bobby Darin’s former trailer and where Jack Kerouac – all hopped-up on espresso – wrote his greatest novel (until it was explained to him that someone else had already written Little Women).

The drive back up to the Bay Area was equally treacherous/lovely.

Swung by storied Pebble Beach golf course in Monterey. I could almost hear the ghost of Bing Crosby saying to his caddy, “Hey, hand me a five iron, willya? Think I’ll beat Gary senseless with it.”

Drove past Santa Cruz. Lovely woodsy area. In California anytime you have a region with more than one hundred trees it is required by law that there be a Santa Claus Lane.

There is not one Coffee Bean in the entire South Bay. However, Matt says there is one in Shanghai.

Unfortunately, I was one week too late for the Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco. The Folsom Street Fair is a celebration of leather culture and sexual fetishism. There were the usual couples leading each other down the street with dog collars and leashes, public floggings, men in thong underwear playing Twister, women dressed in teeny silver dresses shaped like martini glasses and bra cups decorated like green olives, and for the shoppers, stalls selling such must-have items as baseball caps reading “Master” or “Slave,” silk ropes for being tied up, and a book entitled Dungeon Emergencies and Supplies.

It was a hectic but fun four days. And to answer your next question: 40.3 mpg. But I understand you get even better mileage if you’re in drive.



MAUI February 2009

Spent most of our time at the Grand Wailea. This is a true luxury resort but HUGE. It should be called the MGM Grand Wailea. Picture a combination of the Bellagio and Disney’s Blizzard Beach Water Slide Park. Lagoons, spas, thirty million dollars in sculptures that no one notices and are primarily used as jungle gyms by kids, its own chapel (tan with Jesus), and exclusive shops with prices so staggeringly high that even rappers don’t buy their jewelry.

Another exclusive feature is their Grand Spa where a massage is just part of the package. Unfortunately the other part is not a "happy ending". It's an absurd beginning. You're invited to go through a series of kelp baths, loofah sponge baths (administered by a guy named Thor), sea salt exfoliation treatment, and a Japanese Furo bath. You're then offered a selection of massages. My favorite: they pour hot oil on your forehead. All this for only five times what a normal massage would cost (with a happy ending). Plus, there is a handout on "spa etiquette". Among the entries: "ladies on their menstrual cycle are asked not to utilize the Terme.” That’s actually good advice for anywhere.

The hotel’s thatched hut tropical lagoon restaurant is actually named Humuhumunukunukuapua's. Annie says when she goes on Survivor that's going to be her tribe's name.

You can’t walk ten feet in any direction without some jogger calling out “on your left!”

Every time I return to Hawaii I am more convinced it’s the most spectacular place on earth.

Imagine the beauty of Lost without the polar bears, mysterious smoke monsters, the “Others,” abductions, explosions, killer force fields, flying spears, illegal medical experiments, and that annoying couple they buried alive.

Do you like great pizza? Then go to Hawaii. Matteo’s on Maui. The reverse is not true. You can’t go to Italy for scrumptious poi.

You can’t help but reflect on December 7th, especially if you’re in Hawaii. When our kids were little we took them on the U.S.S. Arizona tour. Annie pretty much summed it up. “You look down, you feel sad, you go.” I would only add: “You remember”.

I know this is an awkward transition but you MUST try Sansei in Kihei for the greatest sushi this side of our former enemies.

During one of the many beautiful weddings at the Grand Wailea’s too-cute-for-words chapel, the gorgeous bride walked down the aisle, heard the organ music, the applause from her beloved friends and family, and a guy yelling “on your left!”

This is not a big selling point to me: Alex Air –the only DOORS OFF helicopter tour company on Maui.

Did not see the sunrise at Haleakala. But did get a report from someone who did. A bus picks you up 2:30 in the morning. You drive an hour and a half to the top of this massive shield volcano. By top I mean 10,023 feet. You get out in your shorts, flip flops, and aloha shirt -- it’s pitch black, and 22 degrees (literally). When the sun comes up (two hours later) it will rise to 37. Finally the dawn. It’s breathtaking, awesome, and your teeth are chattering like castanets. You don’t want to even think about the possibility that there’s a YouTube video of this. You get on the bus and either go home or into shock.

For more fun you can bike down the outside of the volcano… like a rocket on a two-lane winding road that hugs a cliff that’s steeper than those in Road Runner cartoons. Bikers must also negotiate tour buses, vans, and tourists in unfamiliar rental cars. In 2007 there were three biker fatalities. Bike tours (when they’re not suspended) are $100 - $150 dollars. Bring a parachute.

Makawao is another quaint attraction. Up country, it’s a little cowboy town, specializing in glass blowing – just like Wyatt Earp and Billy the Kid used to do. I kept looking for the jail and saloon but alas they’ve given way to art galleries and a market that makes fresh donuts. But get there early. They go fast. There’s usually a shoot-out in the town square for the last cruller.

There’s no longer a sheriff, but Makawao does have two hypnotherapists and a certified colon specialist.

Every restaurant in Hawaii serves ribs. Even the vegan ones. I bet that colon specialist does a bang-up business.

I wonder how many vacationers think “wi-fi” is a Hawaiian word.

Every lounge singer on Maui thinks she’s Norah Jones. I miss the days when they all thought they were Joni Mitchell.

Attention criminals! Stay out of the Foodland shopping center! Right between the Rainbow Attic and Aroma’s Italian restaurant is the Kehei police department. My guess is all three close at 10.

Maui onions cost more on Maui than in Los Angeles.

On the other hand, you get some pretty good deals on wine at Longs Drugs.



PHILADELPHIA  October 2009

Philadelphia is the home of Rocky Balboa, Dick Clark, Gogi Grant, Danny Bonaduce (actor, alcoholic), Broderick Crawford (actor, alcoholic), Eddie Fisher (singer, homewrecker), World B. Free, Lola Falana, Betsy Ross, Suzy Kobler, George Jefferson, John Coltrane, Pink, Teller, Fabian, Chaka Fattah, Chubby Checker (who absurdly believes there should be a statue of himself at the Rock n’ Roll Hall-of-Fame), Mohini Bhardwaj (no description necessary), funnymen Larry Fine, W.C. Fields, and Richard Gere, two of the most admired women in the world – Grace Kelly and Tina Fey, G Love and Special Sauce, and of course Henry “Box” Brown, an abolitionist who escaped slavery by literally mailing himself to Philadelphia from Richmond, Virginia. (Book rate yet!)

Philadelphia is also one of Hollywood’s favorite locations. It’s been the setting for Mannequin, Rocky, and The Sixth Sense. The Philadelphia Story however, was filmed in Hollywood.

Meant to get out to the Mutter Museum, founded originally to educate doctors of the 19th Century and current HMO’s. Big attractions include conjoined twins and a catalog of foreign objects removed from bodies. Bring the kids!

The first few nights a Nor’easter blew through town and it was colder than a witch's mooseknuckle. But then the sun came out and temperatures rose from 30 to 70 degrees. It’s not always sunny in Philadelphia, but when it is. it’s glorious!

I love that the area has regional delicacies – hoagies, soft pretzels, Goldenberg’s peanut chews, Tastykakes, and the most famous of all: Philly Cheese Steaks -- thinly sliced slippery gristle and melted cheese whiz on a long roll, yet somehow it tastes great. But only in Philadelphia. Everywhere else it’s a grease trap on a bun. There is much debate over who serves the best cheese steak, but many locals contend it’s Jim’s.

And then there’s Scrapple. This is a mush of all the pork parts not used elsewhere. Considering what they use in hot dogs, that pretty much leaves the sphincter, doesn’t it?

See the Liberty Bell. Yes, it’s a real touristy thing to do, but it’s worth it.

This is the birthplace of two major revolutions – the American and shopping. It is in nearby Westchester that QVC is located, which is why I thought I saw Marie Osmond at baggage claim waiting at the carousel for 42,000 dolls to come down the chute.

For some reason taxis, and even buses, have the right-of-way over ambulances in the inner City of Brotherly Love.

The Phillies had a great slogan last year: “Why Can’t Us?”

People say L.A. is weird, but in Sunday night’s Phillies/Dodger playoff game the Phightins’ former catcher, Darren Daulton, threw out the first pitch. He currently talks to lizards, preaches unconventional theories regarding human existence, and time travels. Even Lauren Conrad from The Hills doesn’t do that.

The single greatest moment of CHEERS

Ready for some Friday Questions?

Nicole starts us off:

I was wondering what the atmosphere was like on the nights when some of the “momentous” episodes of sitcom history where filmed, for example the episode where Sam and Diane got together at the end of season 1 of Cheers, or when Niles and Daphne finally admitted their feelings to each other in season 8 of Frasier?

I wasn’t with FRASIER that season so I can't speak to that night. I’ve actually been witness to two “momentous” episodes – the CHEERS episode you referenced and my partner and I just happened to be in the audience for the “Chuckles Bites the Dust” classic episode of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. Talk about luck. That’s like being in the stands for a perfect game.

On CHEERS we had built to that ending all season. It came at the end of a two-parter, both parts being filmed that same night. The script was written by Glen & Les Charles and as I recall, that last scene between Sam and Diane that culminated in their first big kiss was word-for-word from their first draft. I don’t think a comma was changed during the week, that’s how well it worked. Credit also to director James Burrow for staging it perfectly.

When we finally filmed that scene and Ted and Shelley threw themselves into each other’s arms the audience absolutely exploded. It’s the loudest longest reaction I’ve ever seen. I remember turning to my partner and saying, “We’ve peaked. I can’t imagine anything else we could possibly do with these characters that would evoke that much of a reaction. Certainly not sleeping together.”

The Charles Brothers kept that relationship going for four more years and there were some fabulous episodes but I still maintain I was right.

As for “Chuckles”, all I can say is that from the very first scene there was a sense that we were being treated to something special. Maybe it was the subject matter or the great jokes, but we all just knew it and there was a real electricity in the air.

David Lloyd, who wrote the episode, also did the warm-up. Director Joan Darling, seemed to be everywhere, buzzing around the floor.

That final scene where Mary is asked to laugh and finally cries was amazing. To this day I am in awe of Mary’s artistry in performing that scene.

I’ve talked about this before, but after the scene was shot the director wanted a second take. And Mary nailed it again.

So it was like being in the stands to watch two perfect games.

At the time we had just gotten our first script assignment (THE JEFFERSONS) and as we walked back to the car we didn’t know whether to be incredibly inspired or terribly deflated. I mean, how the hell were we ever going to write something that even approached being that good? I still say that but I can live with myself better now.

From scottmc:

Is there a time limit between the 'straight line' and the 'punch line'? Must the joke/payoff come within a prescribed time after the set-up?

The audience has to be able to make the connection between the set-up and the joke. If the interval is too long you run the risk that the audience forgets the set-up.

There are two factors to consider – the interval and the weight you give the set-up. If you make a big deal about the set-up – let’s say it’s a real plot point – then you can let some time elapse before detonating the punch line. Those are frequently called “call backs”. And sometimes that lag time makes the payoff more surprising and funnier.

But if the set-up is just something slipped into the dialogue then it’s best to get to the joke fast. And it’s always best to err on the side of getting to the payoff sooner.

When jokes don’t work it’s often times the set-ups that are the culprit, not the punch lines. We’ll often say we need “to hang a lantern” on that set-up to make sure the audience receives the information we need them to receive.

Carol asks:

I just finished a run of Merry Wives of Windsor. One of the actresses never, ever, ever said the lines the way they were written, which is annoying in general, and in my opinion, unpardonable in Shakespeare. My question is, as a not-dead writer who is usually around to hear your words said out loud, what do you do if there's an actor who thinks as long as they get the 'gist' of the lines, it's okay. Does that come up at all in television? If it does, do you as the writer have the right/opportunity to tell them to knock it off?

Yes, well, being alive is certainly preferable. On multi-camera shows shot in front of studio audiences actors really can’t paraphrase because cameras often move on line cues. So if the line cue is “I’ll have a Bourbon” and the actor says, “Just pour me a drink” the cameras miss their next mark.

Also, since we have the luxury of reshooting, if an actor paraphrases a line we can do it again until he says the line correctly.

Actors on multi-camera shows develop excellent memorization skills and by show night they’re usually all letter-perfect. I marvel at how Jim Parsons can rattle off all that science mumbo-jumbo on BIG BANG THEORY. (Of course, how do I know he’s saying it right?)

And finally, from Rob:

What was your favorite Klinger Section-8 scheme, and did Jamie Farr come up with any of those?

I don’t remember Jamie coming up with any of them, which isn't to say that he didn't.

My favorite was when he pretended to be an aluminum siding salesman. My dad had been an aluminum siding salesman once and we used his spiel. I think by season 7 we had gone through 20th Century Fox’s entire women’s wardrobe department.

What’s your question?  Thanks.

This Could Only Happen on Live Radio

More war stories from my checkered radio career.

In the early ‘70s, while still a student at UCLA, I was an engineer at KABC/KLOS radio. Primarily, I worked for KLOS. Due to union contracts, the announcers could only turn on and off their microphones. Engineers (or “board ops”) did everything else – played all the commercials, records, or on KABC’s talk format – put the callers on and off the air.

So for eight hours a day I sat in a control room playing records and commercials (on cartridges) and adjusting levels while the disc jockey and talk show hosts sat across the glass in studios equipped with a microphone.

The format for KLOS was A.O.R. That’s a radio industry term for “Album Oriented Rock”. This was the FM alternative to high-energy Top 40 stations. Instead of screaming DJ’s geared towards teenagers, AOR stations employed laid back hippies designed to attract that young college student who had discerning taste in music and was stoned 99% of the time.

Both KABC and KLOS, owned then by the American Broadcasting Company when it was a real company, shared the same facility on La Cienaga just on the border of the part of town you never wanted your car to break down in. KABC and KLOS were odd bedfellows to be sure.

KABC was the top rated talk station in town. Commentators in shirts and ties would defend Richard Nixon all day. On the other side of the building, it was Woodstock after the rain. Jocks dressed like the Grateful Dead but with worse hygiene would flitter from the studios to the offices leaving a thick trail of illegal smoke behind them.

The staffs of the two stations were separate except for the engineers. It was not uncommon for me to go from playing Jethro Tull records to presiding over a talk show advocating all hippies be fired off into space. Then back for “Layla” by Derek & the Dominos (a song that is approaching a coveted milestone: It has been overplayed to death for forty years come this December).

But it was the best of America – a true melting pot: the counter-culture and narcs working side by side. Paul Harvey and Mott the Hoople coming out of the same building.

I loved my time at KLOS. Worked with some great D.J.’s like Jim Ladd (who was there until just week before being unceremoniously dumped), J.J. Jackson (one of the first V.J.s), Damian, Shauna, and the late Jim Patton. They somehow managed to create a vibe that was ultra-cool even though they were practically broadcasting from an army recruiting center.

The fun of AOR radio is making the segues from one record to another and that was my job. If you ever have a bar mitzvah and need a DJ to segue “From the Beginning” by Emerson, Lake, & Palmer to “the Needle and the Damage Done” by Neil Young give me a call. The KLOS jocks would tell me which three album cuts to play in a row and they would then just chill for ten to fifteen minutes. Some got high and others hustled the phones trying to get laid.

One of the jocks was notorious for the latter. I always had to get on the intercom and tell him the last record was ending. And one time, remind him he had a live commercial to read.

(One of the revival theaters in town was doing a salute to old Popeye cartoons in tribute to the director of those cartoons who had just passed away)

So the song ends, I tell the jock he’s got a live spot, he scrambles for the headphones, turns on the mic, back announces the songs and thumbs through the copy book looking for the right commercial, all the while vamping. This is what he said:

“Rock n’ Stereo 95 and a half, KLOS. That was Cream with “Sunshine of Your Life” followed by “Suite Judy Blue Eyes” by Crosby, Stills, & Nash and finally “Layla” by Derek & the Dominos. It’s ten minutes to 8 on a Tuesday night, got some great album cuts coming up in the next set,  and here’s something you’ll all be happy to know… (he finds the commercial and begins reading)… Max Fleisher, the creator of Popeye died"

Well, that was it. I was on the floor. Seeing this, the jock also broke up and KLOS listeners were then treated to two minutes of truly tasteless laughter.  Finally, he signaled me to just start playing records.

So I did. “Funeral for a Friend” followed by “Sail on Sailor”.

What can I say?  I yam what I yam.

The best part about being Rob Petrie

I wanted to become a comedy writer because of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.  I wanted to be Rob Petrie when I grew up.  The idea of being in a great marriage with a son and writing television comedy seemed like the dream life. When my partner, David Isaacs and I were starting out, writing spec scripts, we would watch reruns of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW every afternoon for inspiration. We became such aficionados that we would try to guess who wrote each episode. Unlike today, the writing credits were at the end.

Our favorites -- and the easiest to identify -- were always the ones written by the team of Garry Marshall & Jerry Belson. They were just a little more off-beat, a tad sharper and funnier. Our goal was to become the next Marshall & Belson – to have people think that our scripts were just a slight cut above all the rest.

I can’t say for sure that we accomplished that goal, but I did become a comedy writer. And I did get to work with the great Jerry Belson. I was writing and producing CHEERS and he was consulting. And then, 29 years ago today, my son Matthew was born and I realized, “Ohmygod, I am living THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.” The only difference is this: on the show, their kid is just a side character. In my real life, kids are the whole world. Awards and credits on the various “Alan Brady Shows” I’ve worked on pale in comparison to raising two spectacular kids.

Jerry Belson sent Matt a baby gift along with the following touching note:

Dear, Matthew,

Always remember I was funnier than your father.

He was, but then so were most of the writers on THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.

Happy Birthday, Matt. Thanks for being my “Richie” but not nearly as dopey. I love you.

There’s a great new book out called THE OFFICIAL DICK VAN DYKE SHOW BOOK by Vince Waldron. I’m guessing it’s about the show.

In my recent poll of your all-time favorite sitcoms, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW was number one. What makes that all the more remarkable is…

It’s fifty years old.

It’s in black-and-white.

Rob’s job no longer exists. There are no primetime variety shows starring nightclub comics.  Are there even nightclub comics?

Not everyone in the cast was twentysomething and hot.

Writers had to bang out 39 episodes a year. At the most today shows produce 25.

The mores were so different back then. For standards & practice purposes, Rob & Laura (a married couple) slept in separate beds.

So why does THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW still resonate today? Because Carl Reiner created a show about real people, facing relatable problems, and behavior that is as true today as it was back in 1961. The comedy comes out of the characters, astute observation, and human nature not high-concept ideas or stylized formats. It seems like such a no-brainer but you’d be surprised. When the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW premiered it was considered positively ground-breaking. People acting like people was ground-breaking? Yep, when you consider this was the comedy era of talking animals, flying nuns, witches, bimbo robots, genies, Munsters, affluent Hillbillies, and favorite Martians.

It’s scary how fast time flies. I still can’t believe it – not that the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW is fifty. It’s timeless. How can my son be 29??? In any event, Carl Reiner and I are two proud parents. Although  how can Carl Reiner be 89???

the unknown star of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW

Most primetime scripted series today have “pod” producers attached. These are non-writing producers who are usually former executives who received producer deals after their executive services were no longer, uh… required. Golden parachutes is another way to describe it. But they have now so ingrained themselves into the system (since current executives would rather communicate with them than writers) that writer/producers are practically forced to partner up with them if they hope to get a project off the ground. The truth is most writer/producers don’t need a non-writing producer. Especially if the writer is already an experienced showrunner. The poor writer is forced to give up part of his ownership to someone who basically has no real creative function. Sounds kind of like paying someone for “protection”, doesn’t it?

I suppose if the pod producer came to the writer with a piece of talent attached or a commitment he's laying off then I could see the value. He’s bringing something tangible to the project. But all too often these pod producers bring nothing. They give you notes you don’t need, provide yet another layer of bureaucracy, and for the privilege, they take a piece of your backend profits.

So it might surprise you to learn that I believe the success of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW – arguably one of the greatest sitcoms in history – was directly as a result of a pod producer. Everybody knows that Carl Reiner was the brilliant creative force behind that show. But how many people outside of the television industry know the major contribution of Sheldon Leonard?

Sure, the name looks familiar. You’ve seen it on the credits. And a few of you may even remember him as an actor. But without Sheldon Leonard there would be no DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, and even if there were, there would be no DICK VAN DYKE SHOW after the first season.

So what all did he do? Just this:

Carl Reiner created the series and did the original pilot with himself starring as Rob Petrie. The pilot tanked, primarily because Reiner was not right for the role. Leonard convinced Reiner to re-cast the lead.  How'd you like to be the one making that suggestion to an actor?

Leonard convinced Reiner to do the show in front of an audience.

Leonard showed Reiner how a multi-camera format worked.

Leonard suggested Dick Van Dyke for the lead.

Leonard suggested Rose Marie for Sally.

Sponsors held sway over network shows back then. Leonard arranged for mighty Proctor & Gamble to sponsor THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.

When the series struggled out of the gate, Leonard lobbied hard for a time slot change, which the show got.

After the first season, the show was all but canceled. Leonard took the unheard of step of flying to Cincinnati and convincing Proctor & Gamble to stay aboard.

When P&G decided to only sponsor half the show, Leonard then went to Lorillard Tobacco and got them to commit to the other half. All of this within a matter of days.

And when the CBS president still wouldn’t renew the show (based on a personal grudge), Leonard got P&G to threaten to pull their business off the CBS daytime schedule unless they found a place for THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. It was the Hail Marys of Hail Marys.

And along the way he offered great creative input, shielded Reiner from network bullshit, and gave Reiner the resources he needed to produce his classic show.

Now THERE’S a pod producer.

I got the chance to meet him once.  He guested on an episode of CHEERS.  It was a true honor.

And one final note:  Don't know if they did this on purpose or not but the two main characters on THE BIG BANG THEORY are named Sheldon & Leonard. 

If you’re interested in THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, there’s a great book out called THE OFFICIAL DICK VAN SHOW BOOK by Vince Waldron. It goes into wonderful detail on the show, all the behind-the-scenes dirt, creative decisions, people involved. And it’s a fun read. No slogging involved. More tomorrow on THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW and a very special birthday greeting. 

Trick or Tweets

For those of you who don’t follow me yet on Twitter, I got on a tweet jag this morning. Here are my latest Halloween tweets.

When I worked at MTM everyone who wasn't a girl dressed as Mary Tyler Moore for Halloween.

2 worlds collide on ONCE UPON A TIME as Storybrooke citizens dress as fairy tale characters for Halloween. "Hey, this costume really fits."

Kids! Don't go to Frank McCourt's house. He's selling trick or treat candy.

For Halloween Lady Gaga is dressing as mousy Italian girl from New York.

Kim Kardashian files for divorce. This is why her weddings need to be televised LIVE.

Okay, this one's gonna stick -- Kim Kardashian & Hugh Hefner.

This year for Halloween I'm going as the Ken Levine who created BioShock.