My review of the Golden Globes

Wow. Did Steven Spielberg not tip well? Why else would the Hollywood Foreign Press (i.e. waiters at the Palm) deny him useless trophies for a movie that’s not just important, it has the Amblin logo. Imagine a contest where God Almighty loses to Ben Affleck. Blasphemy!

But that’s the Golden Globes, where anything can happen and usually does because there are only like sixteen people eligible to vote. If Rick Santorum can win the Louisiana primary, Don Cheadle can beat Louis C.K. for Best Actor in a TV Comedy.

Of course, how much credibility can an organization have when its spinster president calls out to Bradley Cooper from the stage, “Call me maybe!” Or when Best TV Comedy is presented by Jay Leno?

And yet, I am once again reviewing the Golden Globes even though taking them seriously is like taking TV wrestling seriously. Helping me this year is my lovely biting daughter, Annie and her warped writing partner, Jon. Let the snarks fly!

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were the best women hosts of the Golden Globes since Eydie Gorme. Their opening monologue had some great jokes, the best being Amy saying to ZERO DARK THIRTY director, Kathryn Bigelow “When it comes to torture I trust the lady who spent three years married to James Cameron.”

The no-bra look was in. Lots of real golden globes on display this year. Amy Poehler pulled it off. So did Katherine McPhee and Eva Longoria, but Jessica Chastain did not. She looked like gift-wrapping that had become loose.

This was a big night for Adele. As Jon noted, it was her first Golden Globe and the first song she ever wrote that wasn’t about a breakup.

Taylor Swift looked pissed that Adele won. But when you think that CMA awards and ACM awards are meaningful I guess you think Golden Globes are too.

That set looked like the lobby of the old Dunes Hotel in Vegas. All that was missing was Sammy Davis Jr. being told he had to leave.

Two of the Best Drama nominees – ARGO and DJANGO UNCHAINED – were funnier than any of the Best Comedy nominees.

Annie noted that the clips from LES MISERABLES just showed people running. But that makes sense. Other than Anne Hathaway they can’t show anybody singing.

The teleprompter malfunctioned while Salma Hayek and Paul Rudd were presenting. And they covered beautifully. Both just stood there frozen. You realize if it weren’t for writers, the whole three-hour show would be that? Most actors can only ad lib “me” or “journey.”

Case in point: In Kevin Costner’s acceptance speech he wanted to say how this ceremony helped “illuminate” movies that the public hasn’t seen and instead he said “eliminate.”

Wearing clothes is sometimes better than being nude. And I’m not just talking about Lena Dunham. For example: Kerry Washington looked so much sexier in that slinky gown than she did naked in a pit in DJANGO UNCHAINED.

On the other hand, J-Lo looked smashing in her dress made entirely of doilies stitched together by some Brownie troop.

Nicole Kidman must really be furious. Lena Dunham wins two awards for taking her clothes off while she pisses on a guy and doesn’t win even one.

Annie thought she bought her dress at Hot Topic.

Line of the night was Tina Fey after Lena’s somewhat patronizing acceptance speech. “I’m glad that we got you through middle school.”

And in the future, please put Lena at a table closer to the stage. Watching her clomp up the aisle was like seeing Bugsy Malone shot in the back trying to make it out to the street.

Even though it means nothing, I was glad ARGO won. Jon figured the pro-slavery DJANGO voters cancelled the anti-slavery LINCOLN voters.

Or Spielberg used a Group-on for his $55 lobster at the Palm and only tipped on the reduced amount.

MAD MEN wasn’t even nominated for Best TV Drama. That’s what they get for killing off the English guy.

Not only did NBC, the televising network, not win a single award, none of the four broadcast networks did.

There’s only one screenplay award. They don’t distinguish between original and adaptations. But as Jon said, “What do you want? They have Sofia Vergara and Maggie Smith in the same category.”

If the HFPA really wanted to make noise they would have let Mel Gibson be a presenter. I mean, there he was – in a room filled with alcohol and Jews.

I liked Anne Hathaway’s short hair. She looked like a young lucid Liza Minnelli.

There was no question she was going to win. As Annie said, “She had the ugly thing, the prostitute thing, the dirty thing, the chopped off hair thing, the lost weight thing, the can-sing thing, the crying thing, and the dying thing.” All Nicole Kidman had was the “urinating thing.”

Something I have in common with ARGO producer and speech-giver, Grant Heslov: We both acted together in an episode of THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES in 1990. And yet, he didn’t thank me.

No one missed Ricky Gervais.

They have a Best Foreign Film category. Considering who the voters are, shouldn’t any movie made in America be considered a foreign film?

Jennifer Lawrence (who looked gorgeous in her coral gown) had the two best acceptance speech lines: “I beat Meryl!” And to Harvey Weinstein: “Harvey, thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today.” I look forward to her Oscar speech.

If their titles were THE BEST EXOTIC MIAMI HOTEL and SALMON FISHING IN SEATTLE would either of those pictures get any nominations?

I can’t imagine there were many Republicans watching after forty-five minutes. First Julianne Moore wins for playing Sarah Palin and then Bill Clinton shows up.

Great line by Amy Poehler: “What a special guest. That was Hillary Clinton’s husband!”

Annie was hoping Clinton would co-present with Clint Eastwood.

And instead of introducing LINCOLN, Annie wanted him to present the award for Best Animated Film.

She also thought a good pairing would be Sofia Vergara and Salma Hayek. Dueling ‘Eye yie yies!”

Both Sofia and Salma looked spectacular, as did Megan Fox, Halle Berry, Lea Michele (now darker than Halle Berry), Jessica (is she still in the business?) Alba, Julia Roberts, and pretty much everyone other than Lucy Lui. What was with that print gown? Annie said, “Isn’t that bubby’s tablecloth?”

What was with that handlebar mustache Bill Murray was sporting? Now that’s played Franklin Roosevelt is he looking to do Teddy?

Typical Will Ferrell bit. Hilarious for the first thirty seconds, tedious for the next eleven minutes.

Aziz Ansari was bombed and DID bomb. Don’t drink and present.

Jodie Foster was also smashed. Her acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille award (given to any actor whose heard of Cecil B. DeMille) was eloquently incoherent.  But honest and touching.

Scariest moment of the night was watching Sylvester Stallone’s face melt.

Personally, I thought this was their most entertaining Golden Globes ceremony in years. Good luck to Seth MacFarlane trying to top Amy & Tina. Overheard at the valet stand as Steven Spielberg climbed into the limo with Tony Kushner: “Goddamnit, Tony! I told you. Lincoln should free the hostages, not the slaves!”

See ya at the Oscars!

photos via L.A. Times

Getting ready for the Golden Globes

Tonight is the whatever-annual Golden Globe Awards on NBC. I will be reviewing them along with my daughter, Annie and her writing partner, Jon.  The review will appear tomorrow morning.  To get you in the mood, here are a few highlights from past Golden Globe reviews. In compiling these I realized there were a lot of years I didn’t bother. The reasons being: I don’t give a shit, they were canceled, I was on the radio the night they aired, I forgot, I wasn’t nominated, Debra Messing was, I don’t get NBC on my cable provider, and CSPAN-2 aired a senate sub-committee fact-finding hearing on sorghum subsidies in the plain states.

But when I did bite the bullet, these were some of my observations:

Sir Laurence Olivier at one time won a Golden Globe which literally broke in his hand during his acceptance speech.

The big incentive for stars to attend the Golden Globes is that they do provide dinner. And they can thank the busboys for voting for them.

There's no need to thank them from the stage. What they really want is tips.

Paula Patton looked like the world’s yummiest yellow Peep.

The ceremony itself was held in the glittering Beverly Hilton Hotel Ballroom, site of the Temple Emmanuel Purim Ball.

Where else can you see Clint Eastwood and the Queer Eye guys considered peers?

More on the ceremony in a moment, but first a look back at NBC’s Red Carpet Arrival Show. First, it started without sound. Then it was hosted by the least talented person on the planet – Carson Daly. When interviewing Leo DiCaprio he had to look down at his card before asking the following question: “So how are you doin’?” Why is this lox on TV?

When Francis Conroy is not the most obscure actor to win an award you know you're in trouble.

Justin Bieber was the only presenter who was shorter than the statue.

Do seat fillers get to eat the meals of the people their substituting for?

Dustin Hoffman is starting to look like Bob Uecker.

Shows on host network NBC won exactly no Golden Globes.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY did so well I say it's time for a sequel.

The big highlight for me was HOMELAND’S Morena Baccarin. I’ve never seen a gown that was both backless and frontless. She has now starred in the TV series and dress named V.

Debra Messing came as Tin Tin.

Tilda Swinton came as David Bowie.

With big stars like Brad Pitt and Natalie Portman in the audience, why were they cutting to Piper Perabo for reaction shots?

Nice tribute to Morgan Freeman. He’s made 50 movies. In half of them Ashley Judd gets kidnapped.

70 year-old Jane Fonda looked spectacular. I love the new hip, Janie!

The ceremony took place one mile from my house. Albert Brooks should have known he wouldn’t win when his table was on our front lawn.

See you tomorrow with this year’s report. If the three of us don’t fall asleep.

My PLAYBILL -- aren't you impressed?

When the musical I co-wrote was produced I was asked to submit my bio for the program. The trouble is, if I list that I am primarily a TV writer it’s like putting a big target on my chest for New York theatre critics. So I thought I’d fudge, tailor it a tad for the Broadway theatre crowd. What do you think of this?

Ken is the adopted son of Stephen Sondheim. His godfather was Bob Fosse whom he met while walking Gwen Verdon’s dog. He spent his formative years building the sets for LES MISERABLES. A Peace Corps stint followed where for two years he introduced the Broadway musical to poverty stricken villages throughout Cambodia.

Ken returned to New York where he walked Carol Channing’s husband. He became somewhat of a play doctor, coming in uncredited to save A CHORUS LINE, PROOF, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE (originally titled: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH SHLOMO). WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?, AVENUE Q., AIN’T MISBEHAVIN’ (additional dialogue), GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS (talking Mamet out of the dance numbers), and THE ODD COUPLE (originally titled: TWO AND A HALF MEN).

An experimental work of his own played two nights in San Francisco and two nights in Detroit. It was called the 20012 WORLD SERIES.

He has never seen a television show, watched a movie, or read any book not written by John Simon or Frank Rich.

Voting on jokes

Some Friday Questions to send you into another weekend of football:

XJill leads off:

What do you think of this "the viewers pick the ending" gimmick Hawaii Five-0 has come up with? Isn't this super insulting to the creators and writers or since it's a CBS procedural and paint-by-numbers to some extent they don't mind as much??

It is just a silly gimmick and signals that the network is beginning to lose faith in the show. Essentially they’re asking the staff to write a video game.

Years ago my partner and I wrote a pilot and met with the studio to get their notes. There were probably four of them. At one point one questioned a joke. We said we liked the joke and thought it worked. She then said, “Okay, well let’s take a vote.” At that point I stopped her. “We don’t vote on jokes. We’re the writers, we decide what goes into the script.”

A writing staff should consider many alternatives when breaking a story. They should be trusted to then select the best path and the best ending for that path – not the best two endings.

Yes, it’s a gimmick and may result in a slight uptick in the ratings, but so what? Next week they’ll be right back down to where they were. And in the process they've compromised the integrity of the show. And I can’t believe I’m defending HAWAII 5-0.

From Thomas:

When you were working on MASH and Cheers what were the shows that the writers rooms were watching/felt in competition with in terms of quality?

TAXI, BARNEY MILLER, WKRP, and during the CHEERS years I’d have to say BUFFALO BILL, COSBY, BEST OF THE WEST, NEWHART, and of course SEINFELD.

Although I must be honest.  Usually when writers gather at the start of the day they talk more about the shows that sucked.

Joseph Scarbrough asks:

It seems like most TV series today have, like, umpteen different producers, executive producers, supervising producers, line producers (whatever those are), among other kinds of producers... and I'm just wondering, do TV shows really need THAT many producers? Can they really not get by with just a producer, executive producer, and an associate producer? Plus, during the main titles of most shows, you've got several "Producers", followed by a "Produced By" credit... what's the difference between "Producer" and "Produced By"?

Most of the producers are writers. The line producer is the one who is in charge of the production – hiring and overseeing the crew, supervising post production, arranging for sets, etc. It’s a crucial position and the good ones are gold. When you see a “Produced By” credit, that’s the line producer.

Do we need so many writers on each show? I’m going to say yes, absolutely (because I want as many writers as possible to be employed).

There are the rare writers like David E. Kelley, Aaron Sorkin, or Larry Gelbart who can pretty much write an entire season themselves. But among us mortals, we need the contributions of other writers.

Thirty years ago the staffs were considerably smaller. When CHEERS began the full-time staff was the Charles Brothers and me and my partner. On MASH we only had two other writers on staff. Today, you have to get to the writers room early to get a seat, there’s so many on staff.

But here’s the difference: Back then we used a lot more freelance writers. Freelance comedy writers could make a nice living – doing two episodes of this show, and three for that, etc. Now very few shows give out freelance assignments. And when they do they’re usually to writers’ assistants or friends of the showrunner. Some shows like BIG BANG THEORY room-write every script. No one goes off and “writes” a draft, much less a freelancer.

But again, larger staffs mean more writers working so I’m all for it. In fact, I think each show could probably use another three or four.

And finally, Hannah Neil wonders:

Are there any writers who became network executives that you know of?

There have been a few. Barbara Corday (pictured: right) at CBS was a terrific hour writer who co-created CAGNEY AND LACEY. Michael Zinberg is a writer/director who spent some time as an executive at NBC. Joyce Burditt was a novelist (THE CRACKER FACTORY) and toiled for NBC. I’m sure there are other examples.   But not all that many.  I should also mention that I enjoyed working with all three.

Generally, if you are doing well as a writer you’ll make more money than if you were a network executive. And if you’re a “suit” it means you have to wear a suit. I’m sure more writers would take network gigs if they could wear shorts.

Seriously though, they’re different skill sets. I don’t think most writers have the temperament to deal with all the corporate politics. Or maybe that’s just me.

What’s your question?

Hollywood is in turmoil!

Show business has faced crises before. Work stoppages due to labor strikes that halted production and crippled the TV and movie industries. Film piracy, the collapse of DVD’s, runaway costs, plunging ratings – and yet somehow Tinsel Town has risen above. But now comes their toughest challenge ever, the ultimate test.

The Lakers suck.

In a town of frontrunners, this unimagined turn of events, has left the Dream Factory reeling.  Even the Oscar nominations today can't assuage them (other than Spielberg).   For years the Los Angeles Lakers have been the town’s darlings. Championships were routine. Three-peat anyone? The team was loaded with stars from Kobe Bryant to Shaquille O’Neal. Now they still have Kobe along with Dwight Howard and Steve Nash. It’s an all-star cast.  They should be the OCEAN’S ELEVEN of the NBA.  Instead, they're VALENTINE'S DAY. 

Being seen is more important in Hollywood than being good, and Lakers games were the place to be seen. Jack was there every night. And soon Denzel, and Charlie Sheen, and Dustin Hoffman, and even Mike Tyson. Where stars go agents and executives follow. Pretty soon the Staples Center was Mondays at Mortons.  Forget that the real fans couldn't afford good seats. 

But now the Lakers are losing.  They have dropped five straight.  The audacity! The betrayal! The ingratitude!

And it’s worse. It seems there’s another team in Los Angeles. The Clippers. And they’re good. Very good. They’re now beating the Lakers.

Let’s reflect on that a moment. It’s like Univision beating NBC (which they have done repeatedly). SHOWTIME over HBO. SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE copping Best Picture over SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.

So the gut wrenching question: what does Hollywood do? Maintain their allegiance or Ann Curry them?

And if they do drop the Lakers, do they switch over to the Clippers? Hollywood does love a good David & Goliath story, but the Clippers have always been a national joke. It would be like the entertainment industry backing Sarah Palin as their political candidate.

The next few months will be crucial. The Lakers of course could rebound and the Clippers sputter. That’s what they’re hoping for. Because as much as they love David beating Goliath, remember when you’re talking Hollywood you’re talking about Time-Warner, Viacom, Universal-Comcast, the Disney corporation. They much prefer Goliath crushing David.

All the more reason for me to say – GO CLIPPERS!

R.I.P. Bill Mouzis

Among the people I wanted to be when I grew up was Bill Mouzis. You’ve probably never heard of him, but he was a hero of mine. He sat in a tiny windowless closet surrounded by archaic equipment and made magic. If ever there was an artist and alchemist in radio it was Bill Mouzis.

He was the production director for 93/KHJ Boss Radio back in the ‘60s. Today we have audio editing programs on our computers and can do multi-tracks, sound effects, equalizing, reverb, any number of tricks with just a click of a mouse. Back then it was a couple of old reel-to-reel tape recorders and a razor blade. Yet, Bill’s promos sounded better and more complex with antiquated facilities than any of today’s whiz-bang high tech digital productions.

One of the hallmarks of KHJ was their creative contests. And even more creative promos. A three-man team collaborated on them. Creative genius Ron Jacobs conceived and wrote the spots, Robert W. Morgan voiced them, and Bill Mouzis assembled them. He laid in music, effects, added drama and distinction to them. They were better than any Madison Avenue commercial.

And in 1968 he was given an added assignment. In addition to the :30 seconds promos he made (that took all day), he was asked to produce a radio special that would be 48 hours in length. Incredibly, under adverse working conditions, and an absurd deadline, Bill Mouzis put together the KHJ “History of Rock n’ Roll.” Imagine someone said to George Lucas, “Here’s a movie camera that was used in 1930, $500, and no sets. We want you to make STAR WARS in two weeks.” That was Bill’s challenge with the History of Rock n’ Roll. He organized thousands of hours of interviews, laid the narration over the music, and created special elements like music montages and time sweeps. I still don’t know how he did it.

He was also a wonderful, kind man. On several occasions he sat in a booth at Nicodell’s restaurant and patiently advised and encouraged a certain wide-eyed callow college geek.

Bill passed away this week. He was a decorated World War II veteran, a loving husband and father, concerned citizen (his Op-Ed pieces ran regularly in the LA Times), and dear friend for well over 40 years. He touched the lives over everyone he met. I will miss him greatly. Bill was 90, and yes, that’s a good long run, but I feel cheated that he didn’t reach the big 93.

DJANGO UNCHAINED: My review

There’s a famous story in Hollywood about a network executive telling a writer what they were looking for that season. He said, “We want to do HOGANS HEROES but with slaves.” As absurd as that is, Quentin Tarantino sort of did it. DJANGO UNCHAINED is really INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS with slaves.

It’s not as good as INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS (hard to construct a more pleasing ending than shooting then blowing up Hitler) but it’s still good Tarantino fun.

Tarantino loves making genre pictures and this time he tackled the spaghetti western. But of course with his own unique spin – so it’s really a spaghetti comedy gorefest western. Sounds like a lot to jam into one movie but when the running time is 2:45 you don’t have to do much jamming. I enjoyed DJANGO UNCHAINED but if I have one tiny quibble it’s that the film is WAY TOO FUCKING LONG. By a half hour or forty-five minutes. There’s a whole middle “bounty hunters at work” section that could be lifted in whole and no one other than Quentin fanboys would ever miss it. When thirty minutes can be replaced by one title that says: Six Months Later you know it’s not good storytelling.

But typical of Tarantino film are wonderful quirky performances. Christoph Waltz, who won an Oscar for his last QT movie, returns in another meaty role. He’s a German bounty hunter – a good guy in this one – but with a gift of gab and a goofy accent that is somewhere between Werner Klemperer and Slim Pickens.

Jamie Foxx as slave-turned-bounty hunter/action hero/munitions expert Django is fine although I can think of fifteen Will Smiths/Wesley Snipes/etc. who could have played it just as well.

Much more fun was Leo DiCaprio as the sleazy plantation owner. You could just tell that Leo was having a ball playing this dastardly character. He did everything but twiddle a mustache.

The true standout however, was Tarantino-regular Samuel L. Jackson as Leo’s house slave. The minute he comes on the screen you laugh – partly because of the role and partly because of the hilarious make up. They’ve got him looking like Uncle Remus and made him even blacker. Leave it to Tarantino though to have a completely fresh take on Uncle Tom. Sam's taking a lot of shit for it (Spike Lee thinks it’s offensive) but he doesn’t care. He knows a juicy role when he sees it.

Don Johnson appears briefly made up to look like Colonel Sanders. And in the most thankless role in the picture, poor Kerry Washington plays Django’s slave wife who he’s trying to reclaim. The sum total of her screen time is getting whipped, beaten, and thrown naked in a hole. Not what she expected I’m sure when she signed on as the love interest.

Also, if you look carefully, every western character actor still drinking sarsaparilla shows up in one scene or another. Bruce Dern is back!

Viewer beware: The “N” word is uttered more times than all the Richard Pryor stand up albums put together. And the violence does get graphic at times. This is not a film to see if you’re afraid of dogs.

But like most Tarantino movies, there’s almost a cartoon quality to it. And warning number two: He makes everyone from the South look like complete idiots. The hillbillies in JUSTIFIED are Mensa members compared to these cretins. Maybe the funniest scene in any movie this year is the KKK lynch party all bitching about their hoods.

If you view DJANGO UNCHAINED strictly as escapist entertainment and you like Quentin Tarantino you will probably dig this movie. You may even like DJANGO'S HEROES when it comes to television. 

Jimmy Kimmel takes on Jay & Dave

Best of luck to Jimmy Kimmel who tonight begins his show at 11:35 on ABC. Personally, I’ve always liked Kimmel’s show and found his relaxed style refreshing. To be honest, in the late night wars, the best hosts were on at 12:30. Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon (whose show has more actual entertainment value than any talk show on television), and Craig Ferguson (who’s extremely talented but a little too impressed with himself for my taste).

Kimmel becomes the second member of the “new guard” to try to crack through the established prime time late night scene. Conan was first and fizzled rather loudly. But I think Kimmel is more accessible than O'Brien. Conan’s tongue is permanently imbedded in his cheek and although I think he’s funny, he comes off more as a spoof of a talk show host rather than an actual talk show host. The audience seems to prefer a real person in that role. Conan is now on TBS where he has kind of disappeared. When was the last time you saw Conan that wasn’t a promo on the baseball playoffs? Team Coco fans may outraged by me for saying that, but the truth is his show has underperformed in the ratings.  Doing better than George Lopez is not exactly an achievement.

Still, the impulse to give him THE TONIGHT SHOW was a good one. Younger viewers don’t relate to Jay or Dave. And I don’t think any talk show host is being slighted when a network gives him twenty years on the air for an outrageous salary. Johnny Carson, still the Mozart of talk show hosts, knew when to bow out gracefully. Dave and (especially) Jay will go out kicking and screaming. But make no mistake. They will go out.

Jay has always catered to the lowest common denominator. But for me, Dave has become a real disappointment. Especially considering how phenomenal he used to be. When Dave started he was the hardest working man in show business. He would constantly go out of the studio, do zany bits, and fill his show with goofy characters and features. Granted, a lot of the credit for this inspired lunacy should go to his head writer Merril Markoe, but Dave was game. And his ability to ad lib was crackerjack.

Look at him today. He’s this cranky old guy who plants himself at his desk, rambles on about nothing, clings to old chestnuts like the Top 10, and is so disinterested in the guests he interviews that you can almost see him glancing at travel brochures while they speak. I’ve said this before but audiences respond to comics who have the attitude You and Me vs. the World. But Dave has evolved into Me vs. You.

It’s time for new blood. New schticks. New band leaders. I think Jimmy Kimmel will be a breath of fresh air. And I hope his success will hasten the arrival of other young hosts.

One other point: late night ratings in general are way down from twenty years ago. More competition, more options (THE DAILY SHOW, COLBERT REPORT, MASH reruns), and let’s face it – Generation Any-letter doesn’t have the same viewing habits as their parents. Everyone’s fighting over a much smaller pie now. Good ratings today would get you canceled in the glory years.

So Jimmy, my best wishes for a good long run. And in twenty years people will be writing that you’re old and stale. But so the fuck what?

If I wrote DOWNTON ABBEY

DOWNTON ABBEY had become a sleeper hit. Who knew this Edwardian ITV costume drama would attract such a following across the pond? Season 3 began here in the states last night. From what I understand the UK has already seen it. So that no spoilers alerts are necessary, and for those who have never seen the show, I’d like to do a scene that I would have liked to have seen in season one.

If you watch Downton Abbey you can just skim the next paragraph.  

To get you up to speed: Early 20th Century. Downton Abbey is Hearst’s Castle but in England owned by this one family. The series focuses on the five family members and eight or nine of their thirty servants. The family is concerned because a distant cousin (Matthew) is due to inherit the whole schemer (it’s a long story why). The family looks down on Matthew. He’s not an aristocrat. He actually works for a living. He’s a lawyer. To them that's like Joe the Plumber inheriting the Trump Tower. But Matthew proposes to the oldest daughter (Mary). The family stands to keep the estate if this marriage takes place. But due to complications not worth spelling out, Mary is hesitant. She asks for the summer to think about it. And when Matthew finally confronts her in the fall she is still on the fence. That’s where my scene would begin.  (By the way, I've become quite fond of Mary.)

EXT. GARDEN -- DAY

MATTHEW: So Lady Mary, the absolute love of my life, the angel that makes life itself worth living -- have you made your decision? Will you make me the happiest man on earth?

MARY: I’m afraid I have not. Not yet. If you would be so good as to grant me another month, I will surely tell you then.

MATTHEW: Another month? You had the entire summer, my precious.

MARY: Yes, but I was pre-occupied with so many activities.

MATTHEW: What activities?

MARY: Dear sir, are you questioning my integrity?

MATTHEW: No. Seriously. I want to know what you do all day. You don’t work. You don’t cook. All of your meals are prepared. Have you ever once made a bed? You don’t even dress yourself. What do you do?

MARY: Well… I ride.

MATTHEW: You ride. Once every few months for three or four hours you ride. The one activity the entire family participates in is killing innocent animals. Bully! What about the rest of the time?

MARY: I sit on benches in the garden a lot.

MATTHEW: Wow! I hope you take the weekends off.

MARY: Are you mocking me, good sir?

MATTHEW: Do you have a friend? Do you ever sneak off and sit with her on her bench?

MARY: I don’t need friends. I have two sisters. Oh wait. That’s something else I do. I scheme against them. Yes, that takes up time. And for your information, the servants are my friends.

MATTHEW: They’re paid to be your friends.

MARY: Some are nice to me on their days off.

MATTHEW: Can you even name the servants?

MARY: I can name about eight of them. The others don’t speak – they’re more in the background -- so I don’t know. The cook is… Mrs. somebody. Begins with a P.

MATTHEW: Yes, and about that – don’t you ever get tired of big fancy meals? Aren’t there nights when you want to say, can we just order a pizza? Or here’s a crazy thought – Sloppy Joes?

MARY: What pray tell is a Sloppy Joe?

MATTHEW: And why aren’t all of you girls 300 pounds? I’ve never seen you exercise.

MARY: We have servants who exercise for us.

MATTHEW: What if you don’t like stuffed pheasant and that’s what they’re serving? Are you allowed to ask for a tongue sandwich?

MARY: Of course. What’s tongue?  Where do you eat?

MATTHEW: Do the servants always have to preside over every meal? Can the cook ever say, “Hey, we got a smorgy tonight! Grab a plate and help yourselves!

MARY: What’s a smorgy? Matthew, you’re beginning to scare me.

MATTHEW: Speaking of the servants, I’ve seen their quarters. They’re tiny and two to a room. This house is bigger than Luxemburg. There must be a hundred rooms. You can’t toss six or seven guest rooms their way? There are five people who live in this fortress. Unless you’re having the entire population of Ireland over for the weekend, you’re not going to run out of room.

MARY:  What is a "weekend?"

MATTHEW:  Dear God!

MARY: We’d be happy to give the servants bigger quarters but they spend so little time in them. We work them twenty hours a day.

MATTHEW: How considerate of you.

MARY: They have to polish all the bannisters and wash the paintings. 

MATTHEW: Uh huh. Well, let me ask you, my spoiled goddess – how do you heat this place in the winter?

MARY: What?

MATTHEW: It’s a train station with chandeliers. How do you heat it? I see maybe three fireplaces.

MARY: I don’t know. It always seems to be summer.

MATTHEW: And you must have thirty acres here.  Who mows the lawn?   You have four footmen to dish out soup and not a single gardener.  

MARY:  I'm sure we have them.   They must mow at night. 

MATTHEW:  Well, dear lady of entitlement, I'm afraid I must take my leave. I’m due in court in an hour. I’m guessing whatever school you went to didn’t have a Career Day.

MARY:  We had tutors.  Mrs. Doubtfire taught me the essentials -- posturing, dramatic exits, and celibacy.

MATTHEW:  What did you take for shop class? (beat)  Well, I'm off.

MARY: Matthew, wait. I’ve made my decision. I do want to marry you.

MATTHEW: Yes, well, now that I know a little bit more about you and your life I need some more time.

MARY: What? How much time?

MATTHEW: Can I get back to you in thirty years?   Or when you put away your own shoes -- whichever comes first. 

MARY: Oh my God! You’re rescinding your proposal?

MATTHEW: I’m terribly sorry but yes. I’m running screaming as we common people say. I’m afraid I require someone a little more… interesting.

MARY: Ha! In this town? You’ll never find one. I’m still the best you can do.

MATTHEW: Oh, I’ll find a girl more interesting.

MARY: Really? Where?

MATTHEW: The Jewish mixer! Good day, m’lady.

MATTHEW runs screaming. On MARY’S reaction, we:

FADE OUT.

Tips for winter travelers

Traveling is a nightmare anyway, but during the winter it gets even worse. But fear not, blog faithful. Here are some suggestions for winter air travel:

Check the weather forecast. If it’s not 72 degrees and clear EVERYWHERE in the United States, reschedule.

Do not call the airline for a weather update. You’ll learn it’s cool and overcast in New Delhi.

Allow two hours before the flight, ten hours for the tarmac, two hours for the unscheduled fuel stop, and two hours to retrieve your luggage. And if you’re flying from LA to San Francisco, 45 minutes for the flight itself.

If you print your ticket on one of those self-help stations realize that the chances of it working are the same as five cherries coming up on a slot machine.

Best to print your ticket at home the night before along with the flight schedules of every other airline going to your destination, airport shuttle schedules, Amtrak schedules, and the 1-800 numbers for Ramada, Holiday Inn, Hilton, Marriott, Quality Inn, Best Western, and the YMCA.

Never turn in your rental car until it’s the final boarding call on your flight.

Never fly to, from, or around Chicago.

Always use skycaps. And if you choose to ever see your luggage again, tip.

Remember: “the white zones are for assholes in SUV’s only”.

You are allowed several little three-ounce bottles of something but not one three-and-a-half-ounce bottle of the same thing.

You might want to put that Astroglide into a nondescript little bottle.

Don't book connecting flights in the winter, even in Hawaii.

Don't buy furniture off the Sky Mall.

Don’t have children if you plan on flying anytime in the next fifteen years. Even if it’s one trip.

If they announce they’re overbooked and are looking for volunteers to take a later plane for free trips take it. The flight is going to be cancelled anyway. And you’ll have a jump at getting reservations at the airport Hilton.

Have your laptop, ipod, cellphone, iphone, Gameboy, Blackberry, camcorder, transistor radio, electric razor, hand held fan, and pacemaker fully charged. Ten hours on the tarmac is a long time.

Upgrade.

Before you get on the flight take Airbourne, water, Xanex, Oscillococcinum, Clariton, Ambien, and tequila.

Fake a limp so you can pre-board and guarantee there will be room in the overhead compartments for your stuff.

Bring your own DVD’s, music selection, food, blankets, pillows, reading light, water, magazines, newspapers, coffee, toilet paper. And just to be on the safe side, your own oxygen masks and floatation devices.

But it’s not a good time to catch up on the first season of LOST.

Play the drinking game. Take a swig every time you hear “we apologize for the inconvenience”. Not recommended for those unwilling to get completely shitfaced.

Drinking game #2: “We thank you for your patience.”

Don’t kid yourself. EVERYONE is flying “stand by”.

The scary part used to be the landing. Now it’s pushing off from the gate.

Beware of free WIFI hotspots in airport terminals. Hackers use these to break into your computer. Not a joke.

It’s quieter and smoother in the front of the plane. And screw what they say, if you’re in Coach and you want to use the bathroom go to the ones in First Class.

And finally, always remember: it’s NEVER the airlines' fault. It’s the weather, air traffic controllers, mechanical problems, baggage handler strike, FAA rules, homeland security, airport restrictions, lawmakers, the billy goat curse, lunar eclipses, and most of all -- the media.

Cliff Clavin explains Yorkshire Pudding

Bonus Friday question: Dana Gabbard asks:

Maybe you could give us a peek at the legal process a script goes through. I know from reading the Making of Star Trek that someone researches whether a character's name is too similiar to an actual person who has the same profession as the character, etc.

There are a couple of research firm that comb through scripts to identify possible legal problems and double-check facts. You mention Hitler and they’ll say, “Former German dictator”, stuff like that.

One time on CHEERS we had a run where Cliff explained the derivation of Yorkshire pudding. The research person called me (since I co-wrote the episode) asking where I got that information. She had been researching it for two days and couldn’t confirm our claim. I said a waitress at Lawry’s Prime Rib restaurant told me. The researcher was apoplectic. “You can’t go with historical information based on hearsay from a waitress!” I reminded her it was Cliff telling the story. Who gives a shit if he’s right? She hung up satisfied.

My other research firm story is not so amusing. When my partner, David Isaacs and I were creating the MARY show for Mary Tyler Moore in 1985 we set the series in a Chicago newspaper. We gave the research firm a list of about twenty newspaper names. They came back with five or six that had cleared. We selected the Chicago Post. We filmed the pilot and then David went to Chicago to supervise the filming of our opening credit (yes, we even had opening credits back then). We had posters on the side of buses showing Mary.

At 9:00 the next morning I get a call from a gentleman who said he just saw a bus go by and was very concerned. He was the editor of the Chicago Post. I picked my jaw off the floor and said I’d have to get back to him. I then called Chicago information and sure enough there was the Chicago Post. The research firm had fucked up BIG TIME! MTM contacted him and was willing to arrange a settlement for use of the name.

Fortunately, the words Chicago Post were nowhere in the newsroom set. But the Post editor figured we’d have to reshoot the whole pilot at a cost of several million so he really had us over a barrel. He asked for a fortune. MTM countered with a very fair offer. He said they were bluffing. They gave him a deadline. He didn’t bite. We became the CHICAGO EAGLE. It cost a few hundred dollars to loop Eagle for Post in dialogue and a few thousand to reshoot the bus shots in Chicago. Far less than it would have cost had we settled. FAR less. But can you imagine the hassle? All because the research firm (who we fired, you’d be surprised to learn) didn’t employ as one of their resources the damn phone book.

Follow up questions from yesterday's post

Yesterday’s post on what spec to write has generated a lot of Friday Questions. So let me address them today. 

First off, several people asked why I omitted NEW GIRL? Just an oversight. If you want to write one of those Fox-style shows I’d say it’s your best bet. Someone asked about writing a LOUIE. I wouldn’t. It’s soooo specific to Louis C.K.’s voice. I don’t believe anyone other than Louie can write one.

Okay. Your questions:

Andrew starts us off:

Do you think that something like Girls, where the characters tend to go through development more over the course of a season than in something like Modern Family or Big Bang Theory runs the risk of being dated very quickly? Is this the same with any show that has a lot of plot development? If you write a spec Girls script now, will it seem very dated 4 weeks into the season?

Yes. It’s harder to write a show where the characters evolve quickly because it’s like you’re shooting a moving target. And chances are you miss.

On the other hand, your show doesn’t have to be up to date up to the minute. Producers understand. If you wrote a MODERN FAMILY before Haley graduated high school, that’s still in an acceptable window. I wouldn’t, however, shop around a spec TWO AND A HALF MEN with Charlie Sheen still in it. It’s been two years and you've had more than enough time to size up the changes.  

Shows that are serialized are generally not good candidates for specs – comedies or dramas. Unless their format allows for stand-alone stories in addition to the serialized threads. An example would be THE GOOD WIFE. You could concentrate on an interesting legal case. Whether Alicia goes back to Peter or Will is not something you need to address.

Al has a couple of questions:

What do you think about writing specs for shows that are heavily "improv" type shows? I was trying to strategize what my next spec would be and happened upon an idea for "The League".

The problem with specs for shows that utilize a lot of improvisation (like THE LEAGUE or CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM) is that it’s hard to really capture the show’s voice. Your script will most likely feel “written” and thus "off."

But...

There is no other show currently on the air that has the sensibility of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. So if that’s your sense of humor, take a shot at it.

Remember, you don’t have to show every spec you write. If you try an episode of THE LEAGUE and don’t feel it worked, junk it.  All it cost you was time and not even paper these days.

Also, how effective is it to write a spec for a show not on a major network? There are a lot of quality shows on cable, but I'm worried producers may not be familiar enough with the show to warrant a read.

It’s perfectly acceptable to write a cable show. Depending on the show, producers might be more familiar with a cable show than a network show. Trust me, more producers know SHAMELESS than BEN AND KATE.

From Stephanie:

Do the same guidelines apply if someone wants to write for a kids' show? "Good Luck, Charlie" spec -- bad idea?

A reader claimed that Nickelodeon is not interested in reading these shows designed for tweenagers. I myself, don’t know. But if that’s the genre you feel would show you off the best then go for it. There are quite a number of Disney kidcoms so there’s clearly a market and demand. And like I keep saying, there are some terrific jokes on some of those shows – especially GOOD LUCK CHARLIE. Don’t just dismiss this form.

And finally, Johnny Walker wonders:

If YOU were going to write a spec right now, which show would you write it for?

MODERN FAMILY or PARKS AND REC. But they’re more my sensibility and I watch those shows regularly so I know them the best.  Doesn't mean you should.  

Best of luck, everyone!

What comedy spec to write in 2013?

Here’s a question I get (and am happy to answer) every year.

Beardly Mustachington asks:

Will you again grace us with your comedy spec recommendations for 2013? Program deadlines are fast approaching and I'm struggling between a few choice shows. I value your insight, as I suspect many readers do. Thanks!

I always preface this by saying (a) this is just one person’s opinion, and (b) the most important factor is what show do you feel best shows off your strengths?

If you are great at jokes write shows with lots of jokes like BIG BANG THEORY. If you’re more of an irony fan, go for something like PARKS AND RECREATION. Is your sense of humor primarily dark? Go for a SHAMELESS. Wry and caustic? CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM.

What are producers and agents looking for? Ask ten and you’ll get ten different answers. For existing series I would say show that you can really write their characters and their rhythms. And make the script is FUNNY. Everything else can be taught.  But a writer is either funny or he's not. 

There is one thing all producers/networks/readers all agree on – make sure your script is in the correct format and there are no spelling errors.  A sloppy presentation will surely result in a rejection. You can usually find script formats for specific shows on the internet. Or see if the show will send you a script. It’s worth the effort to do it right.

Okay, so which show should you do?

If there is one rule I would say don’t do a spec for a show that is at the end of its run. Don’t write an OFFICE. Don’t write a 30 ROCK. Or a TWO AND A HALF MEN. They’ll be obsolete by the time you’re done. HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER is coming back for one more season but still, you’ll have a very short shelf life with a HIMYM. Ditto RULES OF ENGAGEMENT.

Probably MODERN FAMILY is the spec de jour. There are big pluses and minuses to MODERN FAMILY. Plus: it’s very character-based and funny. It wins Emmys every year. The standards are high. Minus: It is also a trap. The stories on MODERN FAMILY tend to be very intricate and clever. If you can pull it off your script will really stand out, but if your storytelling falls short it will sink you.

The other popular spec is BIG BANG THEORY. The stories are thin at best, but the jokes are solid and plentiful. If you attempt a BBT load it up with jokes. Then go back and add fifteen more.

2 BROKE GIRLS is broad and crass. But it’s popular. The trap here is that a lot of the jokes on the show are obvious and easy (when stuck for any punch line they just have a character say vagina). But that’s not to say you can’t write better, funnier jokes than they do. Now the 2 BROKE GIRLS producers will think their vagina jokes are the most hilarious lines on television. But trust me, producers of other shows don’t hold those jokes in such high esteem.

PARKS AND RECREATION is smart, funny, and places a premium on character development. Don’t make the mistake of just making them all cartoons. They’re exaggerated but still straddle the line of reality.

If mainstream is your wheelhouse then consider a LAST MAN STANDING,THE MIDDLE, MIKE & MOLLY, and maybe GO ON. And by the way, don’t feel defensive about wanting to write mainstream. Just because a show isn’t edgy doesn’t mean it’s bad. In fact, you may enjoy a longer career if you write mainstream. There will always be more need for writers who can write all age groups and not just twentysomethings.

That said, a lot of young writers do want to establish themselves as cool. HAPPY ENDINGS is too cool for school. But there’s a trap with that show. They rely a lot on catch phrases for their humor. First off, they’re easy un-earned laughs, and secondly, if the reader is not totally into that show a lot of your jokes will just read like straight lines.

There are the Fox comedies, but again – beware. You want to write a show that’s fresh and on the upswing. But despite its pick up for a full season, THE MINDY PROJECT is not a hit show. Same with NBC’s NEW NORMAL. Their networks are saying all the right things but there’s no guarantee either will be back. Same with WHITNEY, THE B IN APT 23, and COMMUNITY.

UP ALL NIGHT is going through a transformation from single to multi camera. Until they figure out what they want and what their show is, I’d give it a wide berth. And chances are these changes are just a Hail Mary and the show is gone after this year.

If you want to write a spec for a show a little more off-center then I would think about SHAMELESS and RAISING HOPE.

And then there’s GIRLS. Write a great GIRLS and it could be a home run. But if it’s not great you’re dead. And my guess is most of the GIRLS specs miss the mark. They're very exact and hard to write.  Another thing about GIRLS – realize that there are a number of producers who actively dislike the show. You’re toast there. But you could argue that if GIRLS is your sensibility and a producer doesn’t like it then he’s not the producer for you. Still, if you’re going to write a GIRLS I suggest you also have another spec in the drawer. I don’t want to see you rejected even before the producer opens your script.

So there you have it. And as always, things change. If I do this post again in six months all the recommendations might be completely different. Again, write the show you write best regardless of what I or anybody else says.

Also, remember, today you also need a piece of original material. But that’s another conversation.

Best of luck with your specs. Someone has to make it. Why not YOU?

My review of LES MISERABLES

If you loved the stage musical, if you’re a devoted fan, if you can tell the difference between all the songs then you will probably love the movie version of LES MISERABLES. If you’re not a fan – like me – you may find the film an ordeal. It’s 2 1/2 hours but to me it felt like 5. And some songs from the musical were cut!! Holy shit! I could still be sitting in that theater.

In fairness, when it was over a lot of people applauded. It was impeccably made. The “epic” part was all there. Along with enough Hollywood CGI to qualify the film for the STAR TREK franchise. But to me that mega-production was a problem. I saw the stage version once years ago. The thing I marveled at was how they managed to stage such a huge production within the limits of theater. The sets were on a rotating stage, cast members played three or four parts – the technical aspects of the show were incredible. The production required ingenuity and a thousand individual aspects that had to go off like clockwork. I can’t imagine how they did it. Stage productions I’ve been involved with they can’t make a phone ring on cue.

But there are no limitations in a movie. You can just throw money and computers at it. So everything was excessive. As the old adage goes: LES is more.

Another problem for me: Russell Crowe can’t sing. Every time he had a number I felt like I was watching the open auditions of AMERICAN IDOL. And believe me, even Paula wouldn’t have sent him on to Hollywood. What made it worse was that everyone else could sing. Especially Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway. For all the scope of the movie, my favorite scene by a mile was Anne singing her big number, “I Dreamed a Dream.” It was one take, one uninterrupted shot and she sang it live. If Jennifer Hudson won an Oscar for her one big show stopper song, Anne should come away with Best Supporting Actresses statuette for that scene alone.

But getting back to Russell Crowe – seriously, what the fuck was he thinking? Why did he take this role? Didn’t anyone ever tell him he couldn’t sing? I guess not. Maybe they were all afraid he’d clock them with a phone.

The direction by Tom Hooper was completely over-the-top. The only thing he left out was subtlety. Here again, the movie was very manipulative but I don’t know if that’s Hooper’s fault or the original musical. Or maybe that Victor Hugo fella. But I missed the light touch of Oliver Stone.

Yes, the actors made great sacrifices for their art. Anne Hathaway lost 25 pounds (and won’t reveal how because she says it was life threatening) and Hugh Jackman lost 30. Hugh also stayed awake for a day and a half without eating so he could look right for a particular scene. That’s either admirable or insane depending on your viewpoint. But you must applaud their commitment to the project and desperate need to win an Oscar.

In conclusion, LES MISERABLES is a very polarizing film. I suspect you will either love it or pray for a guillotine. As for me -- well, this was my capsulated review for Facebook and Twitter:

"Oh good they shot the kid, we can go home now...WHAT?! 45 more minutes?"

My New Year's Resolutions

                 Happy New Year!

Here are my New Year’s resolutions:

Finally watch THE WIRE.

Get ALMOST PERFECT on Netflix or Hulu.

Go to the gym at least twice a week. (My gym is usually packed in January and by March it’s me and two other guys.)

Stay off the 405 freeway when it’s crowded (so only take it between 2-4 AM).

Visit my friend in Walla Walla.

Finish my novel.

Meet Claire Danes.

Learn to do an accent in my improv class.

See a Broadway show I wish I had written.

Watch and listen to as much Vin Scully as I possibly can.

Finish reading the Elizabeth Taylor book. (She’s slept with so many guys already. No wonder one of her nicknames was ‘the British Open’.)

Learn what half the features on my car are.

Continue to support the WGA’s Foundation.

Catch up on DOWNTON ABBEY before the new season begins.

Champion strict gun control.

Get a humor piece in the NEW YORKER.

Get a cartoon in the NEW YORKER.

Avoid the incredibly tasty fried chicken wings at the Hamburger Hamlet.

Keep Tetris playing down to three hours a day.

Answer more Friday Questions (which I'll be able to do if I keep the previous resolution).

Clean my desk (a perennial resolution but this year for sure!)

Keep an open mind when I watch Seth McFarlane host the Oscars (although that might be asking the impossible).

And finally, solve the Natalie Wood case.

Let's see how many I keep.  What are your resolutions?

May 2013 be for you what 2012 was for...

Adele, Jade Jones, Ben Affleck, Usain Bolt, Lena Dunham, the San Francisco Giants, the New York Giants, Claire Danes, Barack Obama, Miguel Cabrera, Mike Nicholls, Michael Phelps, Jermaine Paul, Aaron Paul, E.L. James, Octavia Spencer, Bon Iver, RANGO, Judy Kaye, Alabama Crimson Tide, THE ARTIST, Meryl Streep, Jon Cryer, Jon Stewart, Mike Trout, Umami burgers, MODERN FAMILY, Dario Franchitti , Taylor Swift, vampires, Julianne Moore,

Jean Dujardin, James Bond, Jennifer Lawrence, ONCE, One Direction, Damian Lewis, LeBron James, Raylan Givens, Lady Antebellum, Lady Gaga, Stephen Amell, Audra McDonald, Frank Ocean, R.A. Dickey, Phillip Phillips, Missy Franklin, Michel Hazanavicius, Big Bird, Andrew Rannells, Christian Bale, Christian Borle, Kung Fu Panda, the Kentucky Wildcats, SHERLOCK, the Foo Fighters, Louis C.K., Cassadee Pope, Nathan Adrian, Seth McFarlane, Felix Hernandez, Melissa Rycroft , the Miami Heat, Maggie Smith, Julie Bowen, Allyson Felix, CLYBOURNE PARK, Jay-Z and Kanye West, Carly Rae Jepsen, Bob Costas, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, the other Ken Levine, and me for having great readers like you.

LA is a great town when there's nobody here

The best week of the year in Los Angeles is always this one, the final seven days of the year. More property taxes and obligations are on tap for me in January, but here in the waning days of December I can bask in the glory of the city that Zorro once called home.

First of all, the town is practically empty. Most people from the industry are gone, terrorizing the help in Hawaii and Aspen. There’s very little traffic. You can actually make the fifteen minute drive between Brentwood and LAX on the 405 Freeway in only forty minutes. It’s like you’re flying! Hard to get into restaurants? Not this week. Spago will even make reservations for people they don’t know. And at 7:00 not 10:30. (Unfortunately, their chefs are probably in Aspen and Hawaii.)

Los Angeles is so deserted I heard of a friend who found a parking place at the Grove shopping mall. But that’s still just a rumor.

For industry guild folks there are free movies. In the hopes of snaring nominations from any organization that gives out awards (even the WGA), studios let eligible voters and guests attend contending movies gratis. It’s also their way of giving back to the community. However, the nanosecond the nominations are announced this lovely gesture ends instantly. And they go back to the business at hand – busting the unions.

Most of the city’s attention this week is on the upcoming Rose Parade and Bowl. If you have six friends over to your apartment to play poker, the Rose Queen and her court will come and speak to your group.

The Rose Bowl is the "Granddaddy of Bowl Games" and this week.  It's the 99th edition and fourth being sponsored.  So this year we must refer to it as the "Rose Bowl Game Presented by VIZIO". How fucked is that?  The combatants are Wisconsin vs. Stanford. And again we have to suffer through Brent Musburger doing the play-by-play.  Keith Jackson, please come back!!!

Highlight of the Rose Bowl festivities is the Lawry’s Beef Bowl. Lawry’s is the greatest prime rib restaurant in the world (a more popular attraction to Japanese tourists than Disneyland). Every year they invite each team and feed them as much prime rib as they can eat. Usually the winning team tops out at around 630 pounds of beef. During the Rose Bowl, you’ll notice half the players sleeping the bench. That’s why.

This will be the first Rocking New Years Eve without Dick Clark.  Which means another three minutes of air time for Ryan Seacrest -- who really needs it. 

The Rose Parade is Tuesday morning. Today some idiots will start staking out spots along the parade route. Every local channel will broadcast the parade. KTLA gets a 50 share, everyone else gets a 2. Why these other stations still bother is beyond me. KTLA coverage begins at like 3:00 a.m. Five hours of watching people paste flowers on floats and the idiots from today freezing. KTLA will begin replaying the parade immediately upon its conclusion. Then they replay it again. And again. Sometime around January 15th they return to regular programming.

Bob Eubanks has been hosting the parade since the floats were powered by horses. For many of those years his co-host was Stephanie Edwards, a popular local personality who was mostly known for being the carny for Lucky Markets. She was replaced in the booth a few years ago by local KTLA morning news anchor, Michaela Pereira. This caused quite a stir. Most people felt that Michaela was horrible and resented her in that Deborah Norville/TODAY SHOW way for squeezing out our beloved Stephanie. (Fans would show their support for Steph by shopping at Lucky but Lucky no longer exists.) Now Stephanie is back. Although she will have to go by "Stephanie Edwards Presented by VIZIO".

Then on New Year’s evening all the locals will go out to dinner, have to wait 45 minutes for a table since the Wisconsin rooters got there first, and things will return to normal.

So for my fellow Angelinos – enjoy it while you can!

Stuff they don't buy on SHARK TANK

SHARK TANK has become a guilty pleasure.  Enterprising people trying to interest billionaires into investing in their new miracle products or inventions.  Most are ridiculous.  You think -- they can't be serious.  Who would buy this crap?  But then I get on an airplane and open the SKY MALL magazine.  That's who buys it.  And the prices are goofier than the items.   Here are some of the chotzkes in my most recent Sky Mall.

Vuzix iWear – Glasses that are supposed to simulate the big screen experience. $249. More if you want the iMax experience.

Gravity Defyer Shoes. Somewhat self-explanatory. $200. Or, for $4 you could tape Slinkys to your current footwear.

HairMax LaserComb – it’s a comb, it’s a laser. It’s the miracle answer to hair loss. Only $449! Perfect for that cue ball who spends thousands on a toupee that looks like a toilet seat.

X5 Hair Laser – See LaserComb but substitute metal ice pack. $299.

A Portable Alarm Clock for your iPhone. Uh, doesn’t the iPhone already have an alarm clock? $99.95.

Computer Speakers for your iPhone. Not to be confused with any speakers that are the same size and use the same plugs. $149.99.

Retractable Banner Pens – Okay, this you could really need. A thousand for only $950.

Hand Therapy Bars -- $59.

Water trappers -- $169. And they’re fade resistant!

Exclusive Microfibres Trellis Mat to protect high-traffic areas. Here’s the good news: it’s low profile so it will never obstruct your door. $149.

Ingeniously engineered EZ Bed that features an extra-plush mattress, a highly supportive frame, and new dual comfort zones. $299. Who buys a bed from a catalog? "I dunno, it sure seemed firmer in the picture."

Wolfgang Puck-designed toaster – otherwise known as a “toaster”. $99.50.

Cinema style Popcorn Maker – Who doesn’t crave seven tubs of popcorn while watching the National Geographic Channel? $199.

Electric Vortex Solo Heater – Nothing heats a room better than Vortex power. $169.

All-in-one Recycling System – patent pending. Perfect for the person who has compacted and non-compacted items. The idea Christmas gift! $299.

Personal Breathalyzer -- $199. Because expensive gadgets know when to say when.

Feature-laden solar emergency radio – Ideal for those sunny day emergencies. $80.

A Bill Sorter – for only 199 of them.

The Custom Keeper -- 25 cubic feet of storage -- A far better name than laundry hamper. $199. Pretty much everything is $199.

The world’s largest write-on map mural – Only $149. The house with cathedral ceilings at $2,000,000 is not included. But what a mural!

Voice activated R2-D2 – “makes any home feel like it has been transported to a galaxy far far away”. The ad goes on to say it features “distinctive happy and sad sounds faithfully mimicking the real thing… right down to his occasional bad mood." If you buy this (at only $169.95) you are too nerdy to live.

The Electric Tint Changing Ski Goggles – No changing goggles while hurtling down the diamond course. $249.95.

The Upside-Down Tomato Garden – $79.95.

The Hand Crank Two Way Radio – Think of all the money you’ll save on two dollar batteries! Only $99.95.

The only Digital Camera Swim Mask – And it’s waterproof! $99.95.

The Sleep Regulating Sun Lamp – It produces no harmful UV radiation so that’s a plus. $249.95

Adjustable Sheepskin Slippers – You wake up in the morning, it’s 20 degrees in the house, you want your feet to be comfy as you putter around the kitchen. $49.95.

The Motion Sickness Relief Wrist Band – It keeps time and reduces nausea! $139.95.

The Finger Drum Mousepad -- $39.95.


The Mind Spa – This comes with a Catwoman type mask and a control unit that combines soothing sounds and calming lights. $349. From SuckerBornEveryMinute Industries.

The Carbon Fiber Heated Vest --$149.95

The Continuously Freshening Feline Drinking Fountain – What cat would be caught dead drinking out of a bowl these days? $69.95. For an extra ten dollars they should throw in a cat.

The Million Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer – It uses “proven germicidal UV technology ". And it sanitizes a toothbrush in only seven minutes! $29.95.

The Foldaway Lateral Stepper – $99.95. Or you could just step from side to side yourself for free.

And finally…

The Children’s ATM Bank – No more breaking into piggy banks, kids! Get a debit card and go to town! $39.95.

The road to Hana

Here are some great photos on the road to Hana and other assorted Maui locales taken by my son Matt.  He has the kind of camera that's just a camera and you can't make phone calls on it.  I didn't know they still made those.  Anyway, take a look.  And check out his website for more and even better photos.