Explaining today's Oscar snubs

The Academy Award nominations are out. Lots of expected nods, but also a few snubs. Here is my uneducated, based-on-nothing guess as to why certain films and artists were not invited to the big dance.

Steven Spielberg -- directing – BRIDGE OF SPIES was not that great. Yes, it was gorgeously shot, but when you could lift the entire first hour of a movie, that's not great storytelling. It did get a Best Picture nomination but that’s not good enough for Steven.

Quentin Tarantino – Two reasons: Disappointing film. And two, they’re tired of the act. Quentin has been sent to Oscar ghetto.

David O. Russell – See “Quentin Tarantino.”

STAR WARS – Honestly? No screeners. And not prestigious enough for voters, although the whole idea of expanding the number of Best Picture nominees was to include films people actually went to see. STAR WARS is a mega hit and its inclusion would boost TV ratings way up, but there’s only room for one space movie so it’s a no-go.

Ridley Scott – NO explanation for that snub. I suppose the Academy figured, “Aw he’s young. He’ll be making lots more pictures.”

Will Smith – What was with that accent? 

Steve Carell – Not a serious enough actor yet for the Academy. He needs to get mauled by a bear.

Aaron Sorkin – I think he should not only be nominated but win. Yet, there was not a lot of love for this film. Perhaps the Academy felt he’s been doing too much self-promotion, I dunno. He made a good film, he busted his ass to sell it, but voters just weren’t feeling it. Instead, CAROL – a moody snoozefest where nothing happens – gets in. Dare I say the Golden Globes got it right?

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON – Uh... diversity is not the Academy’s strong suit.

JANE FONDA – Voters were worried she’d use her acceptance speech to tell us why we need to get out of Viet Nam.

More snubs but I have to be somewhere.

In any event, congratulations to the nominees. Most of you are more than deserving. I will be reviewing the Oscars again this year. And now back to today’s original post.

What shows do you no longer watch?

Here in the colonies, DOWNTON ABBEY is back for its final season. Across the pond it has already aired. I used to be a huge DOWNTON ABBEY fan. Absolutely adored the first year. Year two was not as good. The World War I stuff was interesting but only to a point. Year three contained some turns I really hated (notably the death of several characters --- in one case ridiculously so). And the storytelling bothered me. The family loses all its money but miraculously a character discovers he has a long-long relative who dies and leaves him a fortune. Come on!!!  For writers, this is a cardinal sin – characters need to work through their problems not conveniently get bailed out.

I began watching season four but after two episodes I was done. So I won’t be watching this final year. I don’t care what happens to Lady Mary or Anna or Mr. Carson or whether the estate is sold to Ringo Starr or whatever.

This is not the first series I once loved and eventually abandoned. Season one of TRUE DETECTIVE was fantastic. Twelve minutes of season two was all I could stand. ORPHAN BLACK went from my favorite show to utterly insane in two-and-a-half years. And I know they have their fans (and if you’re one of them, God bless you) but goodbye to RAY DONOVAN and THE AFFAIR. I loved THE AMERICANS when it first came on, but it became Boris & Natasha in suburbia. Friends have said that it’s gotten better but with serialized shows it’s hard to jump back in. I’ll live without THE AMERICANS.

Sometimes a show goes off the rails storytelling-wise and other times a sameness just creeps in that after awhile gets to be too much. MODERN FAMILY and BIG BANG THEORY are two very well-crafted shows, but they’ve lost that freshness their early seasons contained. At least for me.

Meanwhile, some series like JUSTIFIED, THE SOPRANOS, BREAKING BAD, HOUSE OF CARDS, THE GOOD WIFE, and MAD MEN (although I had to slog through the last few seasons – figure it out already, Don) still held (or hold) my interest.

But I pose the question to you – what shows are you now no longer watching? And why’d you hop off that train? I’m sure for every show someone lists there will be three who say that’s their favorite. And that’s the fun of today.  So lemme hear from you (and I continue to moderate the comments to civility will reign), which show are to you what DOWNTON ABBEY is to me? Thanks.

You CAN go home again

First let me say my heart goes out to the people of St. Louis. You have a great sports town. It’s heartbreaking when a team you love leaves you. Especially when it happens twice. I hope you get another team to take its place. That said…

YAY! The LOS ANGELES Rams are coming home!

Finally, after 21 years I can give a shit about the NFL again. The LOS ANGELES Rams were my boyhood team.  And once they left -- meh. 

I tried still rooting for them and I was thrilled that they won a Super Bowl (something they never did in Los Angeles). But that’s like still wishing your ex-girlfriend well after she married someone else when you know you'd rather run them both over with your car. My son is a big Patriots fan so I sort of rooted for them. But that’s a little like watching STAR WARS and rooting for the storm troopers. My buddy Dan Hoard is the radio voice of the Bengals so I kind of followed them. But after that last playoff game with Pittsburgh it’s like deciding whether to root for the Crips or the Bloods. Another announcing buddy is Josh Lewin of the Chargers but to say they’re an “LA team” is like saying Lady Gaga is an award-winning actress. I’m a part owner of the Green Bay Packers. Well… me about 10,000 other people who paid a couple hundred bucks for the share. And after my time in Seattle, I still wish the Seahawks well and make sure I catch every one of their games when they’re in the Super Bowl.

So in short, I kinda sorta root for every team in the NFL other than the Dallas Cowboys. But by rooting for all, I really root for none.

And now finally, I have MY team back.

They were the team I grew up with. And most of the time they were bad. But I didn’t care. I’d go with my father to the Coliseum, sit on those hard benches, pray I wouldn’t have to use one of those disgusting bathrooms or get a splinter, and see my heroes -- Jon Arnett, Les Richter, Ollie Matson, Roman Gabriel, and other unforgettable players I can’t recall at the moment.

And just as cool was seeing the opposition -- Johnny Unitas, Y.A. Tittle (Or, as Ed Sullivan once called him on national TV, “Ya Tittle.”), Jim Brown, Fran Tarkenton, Sonny Jurgenson, etc.

Eventually, in the ‘60s the Rams got good. They had the Fearsome Foursome – Rosie Grier (a mean son of a bitch who knitted), Lamar Lundy, Deacon Jones, Merlin Olsen along with Fred Dryer (like all former players when they retire, Merlin and Fred starred in TV dramas) and other equally fearsome fellows. It seemed like every year they’d win their division, go into Minnesota or Washington where it was 10 degrees and get blown out. And I’d be bummed (not like Viking fans after last Sunday but still). Over the last 21 years I can honestly say I have not broken a single lamp. And that’s just wrong for a real sports fan.

The Rams were also blessed with great announcers. First, Bob Kelley, then Dick Enberg, Dave Niehaus, and Bob Starr. In 1969 when I was an intern at KMPC radio (home of the Rams) I got to be the gofer for Rams home games. I would keep track of scores around the league, and then in the fourth quarter Dick would tell me who he wanted for his postgame guest, and I would trundle down to the field and grab him after the game. So I got to stand on the Rams bench for maybe the last minute and a half of games. (That was fun. After the gun sounded I was almost trampled weekly as the team thundered into the locker room. That was not fun.)

Having the Rams come back is like having a little of my youth return. Just the fact that I’m excited again about pro football is an emotion I haven’t had since, well… since I did have my youth. So many memories. Like the time Don Drysdale was the analyst with Dick Enberg (yes, THAT Don Drysdale) and quarterback Pat Haden got crushed. He lay on the ground motionless for several minutes as Enberg described the scene. Finally Don chimed in, “Dick, I gotta believe it’s nothing worse than a serious head injury.”

God, it’ll be good to have my Los Angeles Rams back.  Now, if only we can talk Dick Enberg out of retirement... Or Fred Dryer...

Open letter the Hollywood Foreign Press Association

We have a saying in the writers room – “Never sacrifice a character for a joke.” If you have one of your main characters say something incredibly dumb or homophobic or borderline racist – even though you know it will get a huge laugh – you are forever establishing that character as stupid, intolerant, etc. It’s not worth it. Good writers protect their characters.

My issue with you, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association is that you are sacrificing your biggest asset for the sake of a rating point.

Award shows are supposed to be elegant. They’re supposed to be glamorous. Or at least present the pretense of glamour. Attending your award ceremony is supposed to be a big deal. The message that glamour and sophistication sends is that your award show bears a certain degree of importance. And credibility. And respect.    Now we all know that that is bullshit and people really tune in to see celebrities wear horrible dresses and stumble over the teleprompter.   But at least the format needs to appear significant. 

Ideally, for the home audience there’s a level of suspense. They care who wins. And when they see that not only do the nominees not care, but the host – who YOU select – tells the audience the awards are worthless you are tarnishing your already damaged brand.

You let your host shit all over you. And that’s just for starters.

You destroy the legitimacy of your organization by letting people buy your awards.  You still haven't lived down Pia Zadora.  And the thanks you get is they humiliate you in public. You give Denzel Washington a lifetime achievement award and he admits during his horrible acceptance speech that he essentially bought the first Golden Globe he ever won. You’re not mortified by that?   Or the mere fact that he had no speech and must've known for weeks or months that you were giving him this honor?   He didn't think enough of you to prepare something? 

A major pop singer is hired on a television show as a publicity stunt and you give her an award for acting? This doesn’t strike you as pandering for ratings? Last year Will Ferrell did a TV special where he played all nine positions in spring training games. You don’t see Major League Baseball naming him the Most Valuable Player of the Year.

Winners are telling you to fuck off during their acceptance speeches when the “wrap it up” music begins.

It doesn’t stick in your craw that you’re throwing this lavish party for an industry that has little regard for you? If anything, they’re using you. They’re using you to help generate buzz for the Oscars (the only movie award that does still mean anything to Hollywood), help promote their TV shows, get national exposure, and enjoy a lot of champagne and swag on your dime. And for that disrespect you’re HONORING them.

Do you think for one minute the Motion Picture Academy will invite Mel Gibson to be a presenter this year?

I love seeing self-important Hollywood assholes skewered as much as the next guy. And if this were a Friar’s Club Roast I’d beg Ricky Gervais to be the host. But it’s not. It’s your organization’s shining moment.

Now you could point to the small uptick in ratings and say you're doing the right thing and people think this is all a big joke anyway so who cares how you look?   If anything, you're good sports.   You're the nerd in high school who does the cute girl's homework while she sleeps with someone else, but hey, you get to sit next to her in Geometry. 

Or you could make efforts to re-claim a semblance of respectability by re-thinking your approach. Do you consider your awards important? Okay... not important, no one actually thinks that, but let's say "worth something?"   Harder to get than a People's Choice Award. 

There is a line that can be drawn. You can needle without being offensive. You can poke holes in pretense while still maintaining dignity. Tina Fey & Amy Poehler proved that three years running. You can cut off some winner who tells you to go fuck yourself when he wants to continue a long pointless speech. It’s YOUR show. (That will put an end to that practice and trust me, your home audience will be saying “thank you!”).  Don't give THE MARTIAN the award for Best Comedy over TRAINWRECK and SPY -- two ACTUAL COMEDIES.   And don't nominate people for their sheer publicity value. Or let your host set a beer on the podium.

Actors will still make whopper faux pas.  Some will still dress like Carmen Miranda.   Every acceptance speech will have the following words:  "Journey" "Artist" and "You can go to bed now."  All that entertainment value will be there.   We'll be talking about the fuck ups the next morning.  That's all there.  But if all of that is framed in the semblance of dignity, I think the show will carry more weight.  Or at least some weight.   Your ratings are not going to go down if people don't think your organization and awards are a big goof.    And who knows?  You might even get some legitimate respect in the industry.   You're right.  I'm pushing it.  But they might take ten minutes to prepare a speech when you honor them for lifetime achievement. 

The Golden Globes: My snarky (because they were terrible) review

All you need to know about how utterly absurd the Golden Globes are is that Lady Gaga won one for acting.

And all you need to know about how elegant the Golden Globes are is that Ricky Gervais hosted.

In case you missed it, and 90% of you did, it was a tasteless self-congratulatory charade where 57 waiters (who are the prestigious members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association) hand out meaningless awards to drunk celebrities. It’s the senior prom you were never invited to where they made fun of you during picture taking.

Golden Globes can be bought. (Denzel even admitted that while accepting their Lifetime Achievement Award.) Golden Globes usually go to anyone with a foreign name or accent. Winners included: Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, Gail Garcia Bernal, and Ennio Morricone (who beat out Alexandre Desplat, Ryuichi Sakamoto, and Alva Noto). Seriously, more people vote at the Krispy Kreme shareholders meeting.

Winner Brie Larson said in her acceptance speech that she spent time “getting to know” members of the Hollywood Foreign Press. I guess that means she dines frequently at Toscana. (Although, in her case, she deserved the award even if she didn’t over-tip.)

At least for the last three years they had the charming and hilarious Tina & Amy hosting. This year they essentially went back to “Opie & Anthony.” They hired the one man whose contempt for you is only exceeded by his love for himself; and they hired him for the fourth time. The act wore thin ten minutes into the first time.

Toxic funnyboots Gervais began the evening with a beer on the podium and did a Sean Penn joke within the first five seconds. The next easy target was Caitlin Jenner, then of course Donald Trump (his Bill Cosby jab would come later in the evening). What, no time for Isis? These clams were followed by delightful handjob jokes, testicle jokes, and finally – how he uses a Golden Globe to shove up his ass.  Class-eeee.   This is the glamorous affair that people spend three days to dress up for? Women wear $100,000 gowns to listen to scrotum jokes?

Since this was an NBC broadcast Matt Lauer once again got stuck hosting the Red Carpet show. He could not have looked more uncomfortable. This is the equivalent of working at McDonalds and being assigned to clean the grease trap.

The first Bill Cosby joke was actually delivered by Andy Samberg. Somehow he tied it into Rob Lowe, and they cut to Lowe who was absolutely appalled. His horrified expression was the biggest laugh of the night.

The only time I laughed at something I was supposed to was when presenters Eva Longoria and America Ferrera messed up each other’s names (The Foreign Press mixed up Ferrera with Gina Rodriquez at the nominations announcement).

Of course anything really funny was bleeped out, and that happened at least thirty times. Again, you folks who pay to see these movies and TV shows – you’re not invited.

The categories themselves are a confusing mess. “Best Actress in a Mini-series, comedy, long-form musical, or Lyrica commercial.”

What year did Jim Carrey and Will Farrell stop being funny? 2006? 1993?

Mel fucking Gibson made an appearance. I’m only sorry he wasn’t the presenter when the Holocaust movie won.

The big standing ovations were for Denzel Washington and Sylvester Stallone. Sly had so much Botox that when his mouth moved he looked like Clutch Cargo.

Lady Gaga became Norma Desmond during her acceptance speech. “You help me explore my creativity in ways I never could.” Standing in a room with Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet, Helen Mirren, Viola Davis, Brie Larson, and Jane Fonda, Lady Gaga really believes she’s a great actress. At least she wasn’t wearing meat.

THE MARTIAN won for best comedy. Yeah, it was way funnier than TRAINWRECK or SPY. For drama, THE REVENANT was the big winner. Leo won for Best Actor and I guarantee if the bear that mauled him in the film had a name like Alexandre Desplat, the bear would have won Best Supporting Actor.

Terrence Howard and Taraji P. Henson gave an award to MOZART IN THE JUNGLE and neither knew how to pronounce “Mozart.”

Winners had to wind their way through the banquet hall to get to the stage. That way they could personally thank the Hollywood Foreign Press as they were busing the tables. Best moment was actress extraordinaire, Lady Gaga brushing by Leo DiCaprio and seeing him smirk and roll his eyes.

How smashed was Denzel during his acceptance speech? It’s like he was re-enacting the last half hour of FLIGHT.

And Rachel Bloom must’ve been drinking rum and Jolt cola. She was the Tasmanian Devil wrapped in a shower curtain.

In the Best Animated Film category weren’t you hoping the announcer would say, “Accepting the award for INSIDE OUT is Anger.”

Do you think Lily Tomlin was upset when Jane Fonda lost?

Do you think Jane Fonda was upset when Lily Tomlin lost – twice?

The set looked like Elvis’ indoor firing range.

Jeffrey Tambor lost. Transgenders are out. They’re “so last year.” This year it’s “be kind to indigenous tribes.” Next year: “Protect the Ewoks.”

They should start the cutoff music the minute the winner is announced.

Best golden globes of the night: NBC’s Jaimie Alexander.

Why do they have a Best Foreign Film category? This is the Foreign Press. Aren’t all American movies foreign?

Is there a more frightening sentence in the English language than, “Accepting the award: Quentin Tarantino.”

Jennifer Lawrence came as Charlize Theron.

Congratulations to all the winners. For those who won for obscure shows (anything on streaming platforms, niche cable outlets, and NBC) I hope your Golden Globe will give you more visibility. I’m sure a lot of people are saying, “I guess I should see THE REVENANT. What’s it about?” And then when they find out they’ll say, “Oh. Pass.”

Next year if Ricky Gervais is hosting I’m not even going to bother. Or if Kellie Pickler beats out Cate Blanchett for Best Actress in a Drama.

Comedy 101: How we break a story

Yesterday I posted an episode of ALMOST PERFECT. As (hopefully) a fun experiment, I thought today I would break down the thought process that went into it. This might be helpful to young writers learning how to construct stories and for non-writers it might be fun or a giant snooze. I’ll try to be funnier tomorrow. This episode was written by me, my partner David Isaacs, and co-creator Robin Schiff. Stan Daniels did a terrific job directing it.

If you haven’t watched it yet, you can see it here.

The core of the series was the relationship between Kim (Nancy Travis) and Mike (Kevin Kilner). She had a high-powered job as head writer of a TV cop show. He was a DA. Watching Kim juggle her career and relationship was our money.

Perfect characters are no fun so we wanted to give Kim some flaws. She was good at her job but she was also a little narcissistic and bossy. So we wanted to do an episode where she went out of her way to do something for Mike and it was something very hard for her to do. We came up with cooking. She tries to make Mike’s favorite meal.

You might be thinking, gee that sounds like a simple story. You’re right. But that’s okay if it’s really about something. This wasn’t just watching Lucy fucking up a chicken, this was about an insecure person desperately trying to prove her worth in a relationship. And along the way there was fun to be had.

Two problems: One – we had to find a B story to involve the other characters since the cooking story was primarily just Mike & Kim at Kim’s house. And this all had to take place over one night. Ideally, we could use the B story to cover the passage of time while the chicken was cooking.

Earlier in the season our line producer Larina Adamson had uncovered some stock footage of a building blowing up. We could recreate the building, dress up a structure on the New York street and make it appear that we’re blowing it up. We thought that might serve us at some point and this was the point.

It’s always good to have conflict or rivalries between characters. One of the dynamics we set up between Kim and co-worker Gary (the brilliant Chip Zien) was that Gary resented Kim for getting the job he felt he deserved. To Gary, she got it because she’s a woman. He was the voice of anti-feminism, which was a nice balance to Kim’s pro-feminism stance.

Anyway, we thought what if Kim puts him in charge that night while she goes home and cooks? And on their cop show they have to blow up a building. He winds up supervising and accidentally gives the cue blowing up the building while the cameras are off. The actual brainchild for that story came from Mike Teverbaugh, who along with his wife Linda were INVALUABLE members of our staff. 

So we began plotting out the episode.

The objective of the first scene was to establish Mike’s appreciation of certain qualities Kim doesn’t possess. How about if they bump into an old flame? That would freak Kim out. But where do they meet? We decided it might be fun outside a movie theater. We establish that Kim loves gory horror movies and thinks romcoms are lame. Right away we see she’s not your usual moviegoer.

Mike’s old girlfriend passes by. We wished to avoid introductions, boring dialogue, etc. So we had Kim get a call while Mike was chatting with his old flame. This call achieved a second purpose. We set up there’s a big stunt to come and Kim is clearly in charge of all decisions.

Mike returns and Kim learns this girl had a high-powered job (like hers) but gave it up to raise her children. She’s very nurturing and a great cook – qualities that Kim lacks.

Scene two: That night. They’re in bed. Kim can’t sleep. Decides to cook his favorite meal. Ends the scene by saying, “Hunh, I must really like you.” For Kim making fried chicken is a big deal.

And this is important: your characters must really WANT something. The tougher the task and the more they want it, the better your story will be. Even if that desire is seemingly trivial.  For Kim this dinner isn’t just for pride. She believes in some warped sense her relationship depends on it.

Now we go to the office and set up for the audience what this stunt is and why it’s a big deal. Kim is dealing with the director and special effects guy. Again, she’s comfortably in charge. We also wanted the guys to razz Kim for trying to cook. This lets the audience know that this relatively simple task is Herculean for her.

Kim wouldn’t reveal her plans to them because she knows they would give her shit. That’s why Rob enters with the fax. At the end of the scene Kim puts Gary in charge for the night. He collapses on the ground. We wanted a funny reaction to her gesture. Gary mocks her, like she’s doing him such a favor when in fact he’s more qualified (in his mind) than she is.

Off to the kitchen. Kim struggling. But what attitude to take? Anxious and apprehensive seemed familiar. So went against that. Made her manic – masking her fears by getting a little silly. We also wanted to showcase Nancy’s comedic skills. Yeah, it’s a little slapstick but she’s very cute pulling this off. And we get a big joke when Mike enters and sees what she’s doing.

Back to the office. The director enters and says that due to impending rain they either have to do the stunt tonight or tomorrow as planned but hope for the best. Gary in charge now has a big decision. Tough decisions help drive stories. Gary opts to blow up the building that night.  His co-workers think he's making a big mistake.    Look, the audience KNOWS there's going to be some fuck up.  They just don't know what.  Hopefully you can exceed their expectations. 

We return to the kitchen. The chicken is done and looks great. They go to the dining room. This was fun for us because we had never used the dining room before. It gave the show a new look. Unfortunately, it was hard for the audience to see the dining room because it was way up in the set.  We had monitors but we knew we would not get the same response had the dining room been in full view.  Sometimes you have to make that choice -- studio audience or home audience?  We opted for the latter in this case.   Sometimes we forget that the show we're making is for the millions of viewers, not the two hundred people in the bleachers.

Back to the story:  The chicken is terrible and so are the mashed potatoes. More decisions: Does Kim give up or start again? Does Mike tell her to stop or let her go, knowing full well she can’t cook worth a shit? What these characters decide informs us of who they are. Kim will try again; Mike will support her.

Next up we go to the New York street. We have fun with Gary trying to be the big shot and the other two writers amused by it. Everyone in every scene has to have an attitude. Otherwise you’re just writing one-liners that feel very unreal and forced. I think we devised a pretty clever way for Gary to accidentally give the signal to blow up the building.  If a building exploding on a multi-camera sitcom isn't an act break, I don't know what is. 

Come back and see the rubble. Instead of making Gary suddenly panicky and fall apart we thought it would be more fun to see him trying to maintain control. Again, a character has to make a big choice. Meltdown or salvage the situation somehow? Sheer damage control mode seemed more ripe for comic possibilities.

Back to Kim’s house. We return to the kitchen.  Having had one scene in the dining room we didn't want to push our luck.  And when we get to the important stuff we want to do it within easy view of the audience.  Kim's next batch is black. We wanted to avoid seeing any more of her cooking. We've already been to that well. Kim calls Mike’s mother, which has to be a tough and humiliating call to make. Yet she does it because this means so much to her.  Plus it helps set up a future episode where Mikes' mom thinks Kim is a dingbat.

Back to the set to watch Gary’s solution. It sucks. Should he call Kim? He still resists and tries coming up with alternate solutions.

Back to the kitchen. Mike finally puts a stop to this. We have a nice scene where they really delve into their relationship and what the future might hold. Choice on our part: there are not a lot of jokes. The discussion feels real and relatable to a lot of people so we just let it play out naturally. Finally Gary calls.

Last scene – back to the set. Kim and Gary. We see that even in a crisis she’s cool and in control. She comes up with a solution on the spot, which is a talent every bit as remarkable as cooking fried chicken – and instead of taking Gary’s head off she comforts him. Would a man in that position be as compassionate? Gary is grateful and gains a little more respect for Kim.  

David, Robin, and I wrote this over a weekend after plotting it out with the staff for several days. The writing went quickly because we knew what each scene was about and why it was there. We had comic situations and attitudes already built in. I also had one of my wife’s cookbooks since none of us knew how to make fried chicken either. “Colonial pine stain” comes right from that recipe.

One final note: The power of suggestion – after writing the first few cooking scenes we broke for lunch and had to go to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles for fried chicken.

And now that I write this, I’m getting in the car and heading right back to Roscoe’s.

Comedy 101 is back in session

Here's a fun weekend comedy lesson for aspiring writers.  Haven't done this in six years, but what the hell?  Today I'm going to show an episode of ALMOST PERFECT (the series I co-created with David Isaacs and Robin Schiff), and tomorrow I will break down the thought process that went into breaking the story.  You'll see behind the curtain.

As a refresher course for the two, maybe three people in the world who aren't familiar with ALMOST PERFECT --  It ran on CBS for two seasons (1995, 1996) and starred Nancy Travis, Kevin Kilner, Chip Zien, David Clennon, and Matthew Letscher.  Nancy plays Kim Cooper.  She's the showrunner of a gritty cop show.   She's also in the early stages of a relationship with Mike (Kevin Kilner).  The central theme of the series is juggling Kim's professional and personal relationships.  That's explored in this episode as she leaves Gary (Chip) in charge while she tries to impress her new boyfriend.

Watch the episode (today's homework) and come back tomorrow to see how and why we told the story just this way.

Friday Questions

Well, here we go. First FQ’s of 2016. I’m sure one of your resolutions this year was to ask a Friday Question. Go for it.

GS in SF kicks off 2016:

Last night Encore Black aired your episode of the Jeffersons, "Moving on Down."

My first question is do you get some sort of notice (perhaps via app or stork) that your show will be airing on a given channel and date? And if not, perhaps someone can create an app for the WGA or DGA? Or would that allow the talent to keep track of their royalties too closely?

Also, it was interesting to watch a Jeffersons episode from 1975. I started watching the Jeffersons but only toward the end of its run. The show you wrote was actually allowed to breathe, George was actually allowed to be mopey for more than 2 seconds. Was that always the case for the early years and only later did the show become a bit more about quick set ups and jokes every few seconds? "Moving on Down" seems like it could have been an episode of Frasier with just a few tweaks.

To answer the first part of your question: No, no one ever gives us a heads-up on when our shows are scheduled to air, never. Supposedly the Guilds have computer programs that scan TV listings and keep track of when shows broadcast, but I don’t trust them. Contractually, the companies that own the shows are supposed to declare this info, but who are we kidding? That's a joke.  I guarantee you every writer who is owed residuals has been cheated, probably for shocking amounts.

And don’t get me started on residuals from streaming services like NETFLIX. We went out on strike for months for a piece of the pie. How many times has a CHEERS or MASH or FRASIER or SIMPSONS of ours been streamed? And if I’ve seen any royalties at all, it’s been pennies.

In terms of that JEFFERSONS episode, it was made under an old WGA Agreement where residuals were only issued for the first ten airings. So I haven’t seen any pesos for that show in years.

Our episode came very early in the series’ run and had a different writing staff than its later years. During our tenure a lot of ALL IN THE FAMILY scribes were in charge. Don Nicholl, Bernie West, Mickey Ross, Gordon Mitchell and Lloyd Turner. You mentioned that our episode felt somewhat FRASIER-like as opposed to later years. Well, ironically, the show runners those later seasons were Peter Casey & David Lee who later co-created FRASIER.

Chris has a question after watching an episode of ALMOST PERFECT:

Kim Cooper (Nancy Travis) is watching Cheers when Mike Ryan calls her. In the Almost Perfect universe, the writer Ken Levine who works on Cheers and is probably credited as a producer on the screen is the same guy who's now running their lives?

That’s as meta as we got. We like doing (very) small inside jokes. Anytime in ALMOST PERFECT Kim was watching TV she was watching CHEERS. We did that probably six times through the course of the series.

In another of our shows, BIG WAVE DAVE’S, Adam Arkin’s character is on a plane reading my book, “It’s Gone!... No, Wait a Minute.”

On BECKER, we have the Linda character listening to B100 (a station I once worked for).

And on the SIMPSONS we peppered the “Dancin’ Homer” episode with people I knew from my minor league baseball days.

One of my favorite moments from BRIDGE OF SPIES (which I didn’t write) was that a Berlin movie house was showing ONE TWO THREE, the Billy Wilder movie set in Berlin.

These are just little rewards and homages for people who either know us or pay way too close attention.

Peter queries:

This one's a bit of a geeky question but I'd like to know where you stand on comedy movies being filmed in the 2.35:1 aspect ratio. I've noticed more and more comedies in that format. I've always associated 2.35:1 with epics and action adventures. The scope look just seems odd for a comedy but I recently saw Sisters, Love the Coopers, The Night Before and they were all in that aspect ratio. In the same way that comedies should never really be longer than 100 minutes (another unofficial rule that Sisters breaks, clocking in at 2hrs, which though a funny movie is way too long), I think comedies should generally be 1.85:1.

There’s a bit of a dichotomy here. In general comedy is intimate. You want the audience to focus on something specific. That’s harder to do where there is great scope.

On the other hand, you don’t want to get too close. Have you ever noticed on most sitcoms that close ups are somewhat loose? Tight close ups are jarring. It’s as if someone is invading your space.

But my final word is that if the 2.35:1 aspect ratio is becoming the standard then comedies should probably follow suit. I guess it depends on how you are watching. If you’re viewing a Tina Fey movie on an iPhone then why give up part of the screen?

As for the length, YES.  Most current comedies are way too long.  Another of the Judd Apatow legacies.  

And finally, from Steve:

If you could get one of the writing rooms you've worked on before together again to do a new show, which would it be? Not going back in time, but the same group of writers as they have matured and grown in the years since.

That’s an interesting question and a little tough to answer because some of the writers who were in these rooms who I would use are no longer with us. Give me Larry Gelbart and that’s all the staff I would need.

But if I had to assemble a room from among those still making the world laugh, I would take the CHEERS room. Starting with Glen & Les Charles and adding Earl Pomerantz, Peter Casey & David Lee, Heide Perlman, Bob Ellison, Bill & Cheri Steinkellner, and Phoef Sutton. That would be like reuniting the ’27 Yankees. And those were just the upper tier writers. The CHEERS staff writers down through the years were All-Stars in their own right.

Leave your FQ in the comments section. Thanks, and may I be the last to wish you a Happy New Year.

Congrats to Ken Griffey Jr.

I’m thrilled that Ken Griffey Jr. has been (almost unanimously) elected to join baseball’s Hall of Fame. It was my honor to call his exploits in the early ‘90s when he was really in his prime.

He was an exceptional ballplayer (duh!), had an infectious presence, was terrific with kids (he’s still friends with my son, Matt), and the only flaw I can think of is he was terrible at giving hot foots. Jesus, he set my shoe on fire.

As a practical joker he needed work. But otherwise, he was great fun to be around and easily the most electric ballplayer I ever covered. So many impossible catches and Ruthian line drive home runs that would still be airborne if it weren’t for the Kingdome roof. Thanks to Junior (we always called him “Junior”) I got my voice on ESPN every other night calling one of his highlights.

During my era broadcasting for the Seattle Mariners we had a warm relationship built on mutual respect and merciless teasing. On radio broadcasts I used to relieve Dave Niehaus and do the play-by-play for the third, sixth, and seventh innings. Early in my first season I noted that the Mariners never scored in the third. I began calling it the “Third inning of death” on the air. One day during batting practice Junior gave me shit about that. I said, “Then score some runs and I won’t say it.” He vowed they would score six runs in the third inning that night, but if they did, I had to shave my head. I of course agreed but got Ken to record on-air promos for it.

That night, wouldn’t you know, the M’s got the first two men on. Junior stuck his head out of the dugout, pointed to me, and mimed shaving someone’s head. The next batter struck out, followed by a guy hitting into a double-play. No runs. He ran out to his position shaking his fist at me. But with a huge smile on his face.  And it made for great radio for the listeners. 

He was always available for an interview if I needed him. He signed baseballs for every kid who asked. He made himself available to mentor young players. He would always pay for lunch if we went out. When my partner Dave Niehaus passed away five years ago, Junior flew across the country to attend his memorial service. More than just one of the greatest baseball players of any era, Ken Griffey Jr. is a total mensch. And like I said, I couldn’t be more delighted with his selection to the Hall of Fame. Just keep him away from matches.

Great cartoon in this week's New Yorker

"What about the writers?  Nobody ever blames the writers!"

From cartoonist David Sipress

TRUTH: the one movie CBS doesn't want you to see

I love movies where reporters uncover conspiracies and expose the evildoers to the world. ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN with Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman was maybe the best. And that’s what the movie TRUTH wants to be.

But here’s the thing:

The big cover-up they’re trying to uncover is kind of a yawn.

When they announced it to the world, most people just shrugged or were watching THAT ‘70s SHOW.

They got the story right. It was just the evidence that wasn’t completely accurate. 

SPOTLIGHT is a way better movie.  

And Robert Redford has gotten old.

60 MINUTES aired a story questioning President Bush’s military service record. In their haste to get it on the air CBS did not do as much due diligence as they usually diligently do. So the CBS producer and Dan Rather were crucified on technicalities. The film “suggests” that CBS’ parent conglomerate Viacom did not want to ruffle any Republican feathers and so ultimately everyone associated with this flawed report got handed their heads, including Rather. No spoiler alert needed – this too is true. Most people know that Dan Rather took himself off the Evening News shortly after this brouhaha.

But nobody died due to this report. No lives were ruined as a result of shoddy reporting. The course of history wasn’t changed. Elections weren’t skewed. Enron wasn't saved.  There were no presidential stains on dresses.  THAT ‘70s SHOW didn’t suffer a ratings loss. (And Topher Grace was one of the investigators.)

So why did we need over two hours to tell this story? Take a hint: 60 MINUTES. I kept thinking, at least if Aaron Sorkin had written it there would be some zip to the dialogue.  I would pay to see a fast-talking pithy Dan Rather. 

The only real fun of this movie was watching Cate Blanchett. She absolutely lights up the screen. Move over Meryl Streep. There’s a new sheriff in town and she’s Australian (although you’d never know it from her accent in this film). Redford played Dan Rather. He was willing to don the suspenders but not wear his hair short. There are some things more important than accuracy like Redford’s tousled locks.

SIDE NOTE: Blanchett’s next role will be as Lucille Ball. I hope they get Redford to play Desi. Just dye the hair.

CBS has refused to air ads for TRUTH. They don’t want to be embarrassed. And yet they air 2 BROKE GIRLS. They also replaced respected veteran journalist Dan Rather with Katie Couric. I'm just sayin'. 

Meanwhile, NBC News and ABC News have also made blunders – projected the wrong candidates winning, getting facts wrong, prematurely announcing someone's death, and then there’s Peter Pan's father, Brian Williams. CNN is no better and it wouldn’t surprise me if Fox News doesn’t even employ a fact-checker. For all these heads to roll over this story seems a better story than the one the movie told. And Cate Blanchett is such a versatile actress I bet she could play Julie Chen if needed.

Advice to the networks that they will never take

A recent article in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY (yes, I read ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, what of it?) by Lynette Rice claimed that the major networks are crying that they can’t get the best talent anymore. A-List writers, producers, directors, and actors would much prefer to take their projects to Netflix, Amazon, A&E, HBO – just about anybody other than CBS, ABC, NBC, and Fox.

Especially now that these other platforms and services pay what networks are offering, top talent, who once brought networks projects first, now bring them to networks last. And this couldn’t come at a worse time for networks since their ratings continue to hemorrhage. Now more than ever, they need HITS. Instead, they’re pitching ideas that were rejected by Nick at Nite and cable channels no one can get.

This goes along with yesterday’s post about how the networks once ruled the world. But as Bob Dylan said (back when Bob Denver's GILLIGAN’S ISLAND drew an audience of 30,000,000): “For the loser now will later to win.”  Providers on channel 458 now rule. 

Can networks do anything to reverse this insidious trend? Can they once again attract the best writers and producers? Absolutely. And they can do it overnight. And it won’t cost them an extra penny. It’s not like the answer is to outbid everybody. Nope. They can even save money.

Sounds awesome, doesn’t it? A way to reclaim dominance without increasing budgets. A total win/win, right?

Except for one thing: they won’t do it.

Here’s the solution in case they're interested in just hearing it: Stop interfering. Period. Simple. Stop being so ham-fisted. Stop requiring approval for every tiny step. Stop dictating casting. Stop noting writers to death.

Give creative people credit that they know what they’re doing. Take chances. Let them have some leeway. Let them hire their staffs. Build projects based on passion and vision and not research and fear.

Trust me, A-Listers will be back faster than you can say Brandon Tartikoff.

But like I said, it’s never going to happen. I'm spouting crazy talk. Spewing fairy tales.   Networks will not give up that control… even as their ratings continue to sink and their creative jewels are SUPERGIRL, WICKED CITY, and HAWAII 5-0.

And so when they cry in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY it’s a little hard to have much sympathy for them. The young talented people the networks are hoping to find don’t get into the business aspiring to write for 2 BROKE GIRLS. They want to create things that are special, that they can be proud of, and YOU could be proud of. Instead, you’ll be cursing that they went to AMAZON instead.

Once upon a time...

...there were three major networks. CBS, NBC, and ABC. Each city had between three and seven TV channels. The three networks and, independents everywhere else.

All the big shows were on one of the three networks.

The independent channels had local newscasts with limited resources, old movies, syndicated series originally aired on the networks, maybe some local sports team coverage, and sporadic original programming, which usually meant kids shows and dance party shows.

For real news you went to the networks. They had the foreign bureaus, the footage, the anchors you revered and trusted. If a major news story broke they broke into normal programming. Yes, commercial revenue was lost, but these were the NETWORKS. Their chief responsibility was to inform the public – accurately and objectively.

For major sporting events you went to the networks. The World Series, All-Star Game, NFL games, major college bowls.  You knew where to turn.

The Fall TV season debut was a major event. You waited all summer, salivating over the promos for the new fare. Then there was the Mid-Season, right after the first of the year. You studied those promos to know exactly what time slots these new shows would occupy.

Families had actual allegiances to these networks. You were a “CBS family” or an “NBC family.” If you were a “CBS family” you watched the CBS Evening News, you checked the TV Guide to see what CBS had on that night before seeing what the competition offered. And if all things were equal you stuck with your network. Many nights you wouldn’t change the channel once.

There were some original syndicated series that the independent stations ran, but by and large, they were second-class fodder. There was a HUGE difference status-wise between network shows and indie shows.

There was also a difference in reception. The networks had the stations with the three strongest signals. They were always on the VHF dial (2-13). In some markets the independents were on the UHF dial so would appear on channel 34 or 61. Lots of people couldn’t access UHF signals very well. So the network picture was strong and clear, and the indies sometimes were snowy or had ghosts.

A new show on ABC, NBC, or ABC got your attention. You would be watching along with thirty million people. NBC even sent out collectible yearbooks heralding “NBC WEEK” (their Fall rollout week). I sent away for it every year. Me and millions of other nerds.

Compare that to today.

There is no difference in signal strength or content between channel 2 and channel 789. The three big networks have been reduced to just three channels. But for viewers who grew up with cable, it is a completely equal playing field. ABC, TBS, Spike, ION, TCM, AMC, CBS, FS1, NBC, MSNBC, CNBC – to Millennials it’s all the same. A show on A&E has the same stature as one on ABC. In fact, it’s almost a detriment to be on one of the networks. Yes, they still have more reach, but popular perception is that the more interesting, nuanced, and mature programming can be found on any channel beyond 13. The Emmys certainly bear that out.

Foreign language shows now beat NBC shows. Personally, I love the variety, but still… this is like watching Willie Mays at the end of his career, overweight, in a Mets uniform, dropping fly balls he used to put in his hip pocket.

“Where have you gone, NBC?”

“Say it ain’t so, ABC?”

“CBS, we hardly knew ya.” 

TOMORROW: ADVICE TO THE NETWORKS THAT THEY WON'T TAKE

And so ends another holiday season

Well, this is it. Everyone is coming back home. The holidays are over. So are the best two weeks of the year to be in Los Angeles.  It's been great. No traffic. You could get into restaurants. Asshole Porsches weren’t cutting you off. Parking spaces were available. Even on the street.  There were no lines at In n’ Out. And lines at Trader Joe’s were shorter.

As a kid, I always dreaded this day. It meant school tomorrow. No more vacation (even if “vacation” meant working twelve hours a day for the Christmas rush).

Once I became a writer it seemed like every year we had some script or pilot to write during the holiday break. Of course, some of those we volunteered for. We knew that every CHEERS or MASH or FRASIER we wrote would pay off in residuals for years to come. And don’t tell anybody, but the best part of those staff jobs was me and my partner getting together, turning off the phones, and writing drafts. In a way, it was a vacation.

On the other hand, I can imagine there are a lot of people who are thrilled that this day has come. They’re usually the ones who had to spend a week or so with “family.” I’m sorry, but you get any ten relatives in a house for four days and someone will be calling 911. Day one is always great. Day two is when the little annoyances you forgot about reemerge. Day three everyone is struggling to hold their tongues and be on their best behavior. But then Day four someone mentions the “family slight of 1973” and all hell breaks out. God, I’m getting nostalgic just thinking about it.

Traveling today is a bitch. Everyone just wants to get home FAST. But there are places like O’Hare Airport that consider it their holy mission to prevent anyone from getting anywhere on time. Try to take it all in stride. Remember, you’re racing back to return to work or school. And Donald Trump is running for President.

I hope you had a great holiday season -- got all the presents you asked Santa for, didn’t gain too much weight from the eggnog (although, Jesus… it’s eggnog. What do you expect?), are still on speaking terms with your cherished family, didn't break a leg skiing, posted every meal you had on Facebook, saw STAR WARS and SON OF SAUL, watched fifteen meaningless college bowl games, and have the strength to take down the tree and all the decorations.

Starting tomorrow 2016 begins in earnest. I bet NOW you could use a vacation.

First New Year's resolution: I'm done with trolls

I guess my blog is getting really popular.  I seemed to have attracted a fair number of trolls.  Lucky me.   My policy has always been to just delete them and move on.   It only takes a couple of clicks; I'm sure much less time than it takes the trolls to post them.   But it's a nuisance.   And I'm tired of it.

Usually they just write obscene or hateful things about me -- like my feelings are going to be hurt because of what some moron says.   Occasionally they go after you and I have every faith that you're smart enough not to take any of it personally.   It doesn't take a genius to realize these are sad pathetic souls. 

But when they start writing hateful stupid things about Wayne Rogers it's time to draw the line.  So for the present I am instituting a new comments policy.  I will be moderating all comments before publishing them.  I'm done with the trolls. 

I still want to strongly encourage everybody to comment.  I check the blog quite frequently throughout the day so there will be a very brief lag time between when you comment and when it appears.  This will also eliminate spam.

One of the joys of doing this blog is receiving your feedback.   Often the comments are better than the posts.   Just yesterday I laughed out loud at one.  By reader Michael commenting on Bob Eubanks & Stephanie Edwards retiring from hosting the Rose Parade.   Michael posted:

Ken's favorite Rose Parade commentators, Bob Eubanks and Stephanie Edwards, are retiring after this year, saying they want to concentrate on other things. And I'm thinking, you work one day a year!

I can't tell you guys how many times I've read one of your comments and thought, "Damn!  I wish I had written that!"  

So thank you and please keep the cyber cards & letters coming in.

This will mean a little extra work and monitoring for me and patience from you, but I think under the circumstances it's worth it.  I fully encourage free expression (even criticism and opposing views) but I don't want my readers to be subjected to disrespectful obscene content meant only to antagonize and annoy.   Who needs that shit?

So again, thanks for your understanding.  I hope to hear from you soon.  Unless you're an asshole.

R.I.P. Wayne Rogers

Sad to hear of the passing of Wayne Rogers – Trapper John from TV’s MASH. He was 82.

I really didn’t know Wayne very well. He left the series after the third season and I didn’t join until the fifth. But I saw him at a number of MASH events and retrospectives, and of course the producers and cast talked about him a lot. The sense I got from my limited contact and scuttlebutt was that he was a terrific guy.

Wayne was actually hired before Alan Alda. And he originally auditioned for the Hawkeye role but opted for Trapper because he felt the Hawkeye character was too cynical. As the series unfolded and Alan emerged as more of a fan favorite Wayne became frustrated. He eventually left after season three to pursue more starring roles. But he fulfilled his contract. And at no time did his dissatisfaction affect his work or behavior on the set. He was the consummate gentleman and professional. And like I said, he frequently participated in MASH tribute events. He remained forever part of the MASH family. Rogers once said if he had realized the show was going to run for eleven seasons he might have "kept my mouth shut and stayed put".

He and Alan remained close friends. This is what Alan tweeted this morning:

He was smart, funny, curious and dedicated. We made a pact to give MASH all we had and it bonded us. I loved Wayne. I'll miss him very much.

What many people don’t know about Wayne is that he was also a brilliant financial planner. He made a fortune in business investments for himself and others. There is life after acting.

I’m sorry I didn’t get to know him better. I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to write for him. I’m sorry I didn’t get in on some of his real estate deals. But I always had a fondness for Wayne Rogers. How nice that through MASH, people will be appreciating him for decades to come.

Happy New Year!

May 2016 be for you what 2015 was for the Kansas City Royals, J.K. Simmons, BIRDMAN, Jennifer Lawrence, Adele, Aretha, Amy Schumer, VEEP, James Bond, Matt Harvey, Jeffrey Tambor, Sam Smith, the New England Patriots, Allison Janney, Dallas Keuchel, Chris Pratt, Taraji P. Henson, Steph Curry, Eddie Redmayne, LeBron, Aziz Ansari, Viola Davis, Joe Maddon, GAME OF THRONES, Nicki Minaj, Salvador Perez, NCIS-Wherever, Beck, the Golden State Warriors, Jon Stewart, Duke, Bindi Irwin, Megyn Kelly, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Frances McDormand, THE BIG BANG THEORY, Josh Donaldson, Shonda Rhimes, Aaron Rodgers, Taylor Swift, Hans Solo, Lester Holt, Kris Bryant, Nick Fradiani, STAR WARS, Apple Watch, Chicago Blackhawks, Julianne Moore, Jake Arrieta, Patricia Arquette, Peter Dinklage, Jill Soloway, Jon Hamm (finally), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (as always), Ohio State, James Burrows, Carey Price, Sawyer Fredericks, Willie Nelson, INSIDE OUT, Bryce Harper, Vin Diesel, naked tattooed girls stuffed in duffel bags, and me for having loyal readers like you.

Checking New Years Resolutions

We all make New Year’s Resolutions. But do we ever look back and see how many we kept? Here’s a look at mine from this January 1. How’d you do on yours?

Host movies on TCM – I did that in January.

Finally watch THE WIRE – No, but I did finally watch BREAKING BAD.

Get ALMOST PERFECT on Netflix or Hulu – No, and I tried. Tracked down the person who could make that happen and was told there’s no interest. The fight continues.

Go to the gym at least twice a week. (My gym is usually packed in January and by March it’s me and two other guys.) -- Did that and continue to.

Stay off the 405 freeway when it’s crowded (so only take it between 2-4 AM) – For the most part I did that. I’ll wave to you from Beverly Glen.

Visit my friend in Walla Walla – No, but he moved to Portland. So actually I have less of an excuse.

Get more productions of A OR B? -- Done. It’ll be produced at the Village Theatre in Hatboro, Penn the first three weekends in April.

Meet Claire Danes – Unfortunately, no. Of course I wasn’t in Berlin or Jordan or wherever the hell she was this year.

Learn to do an accent in my improv class -- Nyet.

Direct more episodes that my daughter and her partner write – Did that.

See a Broadway show I wish I had written – Yeah, I saw KING AND I.  I actually wish I wrote the music.

Go somewhere in the world I've never been – China, Hong Kong, Taiwan, Korea, Japan, and Pala, California.

Recover from the jet lag – I still need another month.

Watch and listen to as much Vin Scully as I possibly can – That I did and will do even more this year, savoring every precious moment.

Finish writing my new play – Did that. First reading next month.

Learn what half the features on my car are – Yes, but I still don’t know how to put it into reverse.

Not piss off the North Koreans – I stayed away from the DMZ during my visit so yes.

Continue to support the WGA’s Foundation – Yep.

Give DOWNTON ABBEY one final chance – Nope.

Champion strict gun control – Yes, not that it helped. The madness continues.

Get a humor piece in the NEW YORKER – Nope, but I didn’t submit anything.

Get a cartoon in the NEW YORKER – Nope, but I didn’t submit anything. Still I blame them.

Avoid the incredibly tasty fried chicken wings at the Hamburger Hamlet (now that it has reopened) – No, I fell off the wagon.

Keep Tetris playing down to three hours a day – It’s down to four so I’m making progress.

Answer more Friday Questions (which I'll be able to do if I keep the previous resolution) – I sprinkled in some extra days and will do more of that this year. So keep those FQ’s coming in.

Clean my desk (a perennial resolution but this year for sure!) – Sort of. I found a sandwich from 2006.

And finally, solve the Natalie Wood case – Not yet but RJ, I’m on to you.

Happy New Year's.  Drive safely tonight.

New York's latest outrageous rip off. For everyone who's ever been robbed in Times Square

No one takes advantage of people like New York. I was there one 4th of July and went into the city to see the fireworks show. I noticed that parking lots that normally charge $20 charged $100. That’s neighborly.

And this New Years Eve the money grubbers are at it again. Some of the crappy chain restaurants in Times Square are hiking up prices ridiculously to take advantage of the crowds. The Olive Garden – is there a more mediocre Italian restaurant than the fucking Olive Garden? – is charging $400 for dinner tomorrow night.  That's right.  And that doesn't include the Goddamn breadsticks. Yeah, the Olive Garden is “family” – the Corleone family.

Oh, and to see the ball drop from the Olive Garden, you get an obstructed view.  What do you want for only $400?

Meanwhile, the fine folks at Bubba Gump Shrimp (fine dining at amusement parks and boardwalk piers) wants $800 a person. This brings new meaning to the word chutzpah. Even Forrest Gump is not stupid enough to pay $800 for frozen shrimp drenched in ketchup.

Do you have a Ruby Tuesday’s in your town? They’re Applebee-wannabes. They’re where you go when Bennigan’s is shut down by health inspectors. I don’t think the phrase, “Hey, let’s go to Ruby Tuesday’s” has ever been uttered unless it follows, “Everything is closed, where do we go?” Ruby Tuesday’s in Times Square wants a paltry $350 tomorrow night. But wait. You’ll have to sit for this one. Ruby Tuesday’s, right? Wilted salad bars and fish sticks? You can reserve a spot at the “Couples’ VIP Table” for $1699. This is like the Menendez Brothers killing their parents and asking the court for leniency because they’re orphans.

Or…

You could go to the Counter for $450. But that doesn’t include hamburgers. The Counter IS a hamburger joint. The $450 entitles you to mini-burgers and fries. Jon Favreau is a part-owner I understand. If so, shame on you Jon.

The “Couples VIP” deal at Buca di Beppo (which is the Italian equivalent of the Hungry Heifer) wants $500 but does include all the Franco-American-quality pasta you can stand.

This is of course completely OUTRAGEOUS. The French Revolution was started for less. For those prices, Donald Trump should stop by every table and thank his supporters. I wonder how many of these customers will spend an extra $20,000 and buy the Brooklyn Bridge.

It’s as if Bernie Madoff recorded a cover of “New York State of Mind.”

I’m just glad Dick Clark doesn’t have to see this.

THE HATEFUL EIGHT: My review

This is sort of movie review week since so many people are seeing movies this week.   Today: THE HATEFUL EIGHT.  This will be the only review of a Quentin Tarantino film that ever begins with a Neil Simon reference.

After Simon’s first few plays all were smash hits he wrote THE STAR SPANGLED GIRL. It closed in eight months. Walter Kerr, the NY Times critic wrote this about the show: "Neil Simon, your friendly neighborhood gagman, hasn't had an idea for a play this season, but he's gone ahead and written one anyway."

That’s how I felt about THE HATEFUL EIGHT. And I’m a big fan of Quentin Tarantino (as a filmmaker, not a social commentator). His latest effort had all the signature Tarantino touches – the florid, sometimes hilarious dialogue, over-the-top violence, Samuel L. Jackson, beauty shots, gore, non-linear sequencing, his reliable psycho players, and tense moments, but in the end the story gun was filled with blanks.  It all amounts to a big nothing. 

And it takes almost three hours to tell this shaggy (mangy) dog story. Do directors ever cut anything anymore? This isn’t LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. This is eight galdarned polecats mind-fucking with each other in a claustrophobic Western. An hour-and-a-half would be plenty. This would be a much better movie if it were THE HATEFUL FIVE. We get it!

I kept thinking while watching – the screenplay of THIS leaking out to the world is what drove Tarantino to near madness? THIS was the masterpiece he threatened to abort? I just wish whoever got a hold of it had made some trims.

As always though, the cast was fun. Sam Jackson, wearing his DJANGO make up, delivers Quentin-speak to perfection. Jennifer Jason-Leigh is another one of those actors who can play anything. And Walton Goggins was Boyd Crowder again, so no complaints there. Tim Roth, Kurt Russell, Bruce Dern, Michael Masden – you know what you’re going to get with those sidewinders.

This was a much talkier movie than usual from Mr. T. To tell the truth, it might work better as a play if you could figure how to blow peoples’ heads off in a live theater.

If you’re a casual Tarantino fan this has NETFLIX written all over it. If you’re a major Tarantino fan or gonzo cinebuff I’m curious as to whether you felt he delivered the goods on this one.

For the next one, my recommendation: Concentrate more on making a good movie rather than a cool movie.

Neil Simon followed up THE STAR SPANGLED GIRL with PLAZA SUITE.

PROGRAMMING NOTE:  GREAT BIG RADIO is doing a week-long salute to the music and events of 1976.  Check 'em out here or on iTunes.  At 5:00 PST/8:00 EST I will be on with Howard Hoffman introducing an aircheck of me as Beaver Cleaver on B100 San Diego, recorded in 1976.   You'll see why I was always fired and am no longer in radio.