Weekend Post

This is an annual post.  "The Lost CHEERS" scene.  Season one of CHEERS and my partner David Isaacs and I were asked to write a scene to be aired during the pre-game of the 1983 Super Bowl (carried that year on NBC).  We wrote it, they filmed it, and it aired right before the game.  80,000,000 people saw it.  Nothing I've ever written has been seen by that many people at one time.   

The scene was never re-run and never showed up in any DVD package.  I did not have a copy and I thought it was lost forever.  But the late sportswriter, Joe Resnick, had recorded every Super Bowl.  I asked if I could see that one.  Sure enough the scene was aired close enough to kick-off that it was included in his tape.  I managed to digitize it, and every Super Bowl weekend I feature it.  

So enjoy.  Monday I'll have my review on this year's Super Bowl.

Friday Questions

Leaping into February with Friday Questions.  

Max has a few MASH questions.

Did the sets at the Malibu site have INTERIORS that were used in filming, or were all interior shots in the swamp, mess tent, etc, filmed on the soundstage?

All of the interiors were shot on Stage 9 at 20th Century Fox.   We only shot the exterior scenes we couldn’t film on the stage.  At the most, only a third of an episode was shot at “the ranch” (our Malibu location).  

We also couldn't get a helicopter into the stage.  We weren't MISS SAIGON. 

I’m sure I mentioned this, but of the four years I was associated with the show I went out to the ranch a grand total of once.  Too much writing to do back at the studio.   Although, when I was out there it was a 1000 degrees so I didn't feel all that deprived.  

On the DVDs, all of the episodes have titles, but the titles don't appear anywhere on the actual films in either the opening or closing credits. (This is the case with other shows as well.) Why didn't the episode titles appear in the, uhhh, titles? (If I recall correctly, they WERE used in TV listings back then…)

The decision not to put the titles on the screen was made by Gene Reynolds and Larry Gelbart at the start of the series run.  It’s a decision I agreed with.  Sometimes the title can give away surprises in the episodes.  

Of course when we came up with the titles we had no idea the series would someday be available to buy or rent, or that info on each episode would be available on your various screens.  

I'm learning French, so with a few episodes, I've switched the language track to French and put on English captions. Even with the little French I understand, I can tell that the dialogue is NOT a straight translation. Do you have any sense how "close" it was to the original? Did translators work at all with the writers or producers in creating foreign language versions of the show or were they pretty much on their own?

Once we turned over the finished episode to CBS for original airing we had absolutely nothing to do with it.   No say on translations, no say on closed captions, and no say on further editing for syndication.  It’s the hack-job editing that always stuck in my craw and why I was so happy that the full episodes are now available on various platforms.   Suddenly the stories make sense again!

And finally, Brian asks:

You and/or David Isaacs have run many shows. Which writers adapted to your voice the quickest?

Not that these names are household words, but I would have to say Robin Schiff, Mike & Linda Teverbaugh, Ken Estin, Tom Straw, Dan Staley & Rob Long, and Larry Balmagia.  

Unfortunately, that ability does none of them any good today.  

What’s your Friday Question? 

EP210: Comedy Writing Legend, Jim Vallely & the Golden Girls

Jim Vallely is one of the funniest people in Hollywood.  He was a big part of The Golden Girls, Two and a Half Men, and Arrested Development.  This week we focus on his unique career path, tips for writers, and life on The Golden Girls.  Next week: Arrested Development.

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"Alts"

Here’s a Friday Question that became an entire post.  

It’s from Douglas Trapasso:

Did a lot of writing/rewriting of Cheers happen directly on set? 

No.  Very very little.  Maybe a new joke or two, if that.  Most weeks, nothing. But that’s a creative choice.  We worked hard all week to get the show ready to film.  We would definitely make changes after the dress rehearsal, but once the cameras rolled and the audience was in place we trusted the material.  

Other shows like FRIENDS and WILL & GRACE did a lot of changing on the stage.  They also had prepared alternative jokes (called “alts”) ready to go.   You can’t argue success so their way was as good as ours.

But we felt that too many changes burned out the actors.  It’s enough that the actors had to memorize the script, perform the script at top efficiency, hit all kinds of marks and accommodate technical demands, without also being thrown thirty new one liners a show at the last second.  

And it really threw guest actors.  Actors not used to performing in front of a studio audience sometimes found the process difficult and maddening.  Throwing them new jokes on the fly only succeeded in rattling them more.  

I won't mention his name, but one time on FRASIER we had a pretty big movie star do a quick two page scene.  In movies he generally plays very cocky and in command.  He was terrified.  It took forever to film that two page scene.  Now imagine if we had also tossed him new lines. 

We also felt that series regulars would become very lax in memorizing the script if they knew it was going to constantly change on filming night.   (Although, on CHEERS, by the last few season they became very lax anyway.)  

There’s also audience management.  Stopping after every take for the writers to huddle for ten minutes takes its toll on the audience.  The novelty of being at a TV taping rubs off very quickly.  

So if you don’t move things along they just check out.  When that happens they don't laugh as much, they don’t follow the story, they just want to go home.   

And they figure out very quickly what you’re doing.  So they begin to laugh hard at any new joke just so the show can move along.  As a result, you don’t even get a true reading as to whether the new joke worked.  

FRIENDS took so long they had two audiences.  One at 4:00.  They got burned out and a second audience came in at 8:00 or 9:00.  But that’s FRIENDS, an insanely beloved show.  Good luck had they tried that on 2 BROKE GIRLS.  

So for those reasons, we chose to rewrite very little on the stage.  We wanted to send the message to the actors that we believed in the material we had given them. We committed and asked them to commit as well.  

Again, this is just a creative choice the Charles Brothers made initially at CHEERS and when my partner, David Isaacs and I were running a show, we made that choice as well.  If you were ever in the audience of one of our shows, you'd thank us.

Saturday Night Flatline

This is rather shocking.  Last Saturday night (January 30th), the four major broadcast networks COMBINED attracted an audience of only 8 million people in primetime.  That is a staggeringly low number.  

In the ‘70s CBS used to draw 30 million all by themselves (with shows like ALL IN THE FAMILY, MASH, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, and THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW).  GOLDEN GIRLS in the ‘80s was bringing in 20 million a week on NBC.  

The addition of cable and premium services took enough of a dent into network viewing during this century that networks gave up on Saturday night long ago.  They threw in the towel, programming reruns (from shows aired earlier in the week), cheap news magazines, and reality shows.  

And Fridays are heading in that direction.  Wrestling, reality shows, and more news magazines.  

Face it, networks are one step away from showing informercials on Friday and Saturday nights.  

Broadcast networks, as we’ve known them since the beginning of TV are dead.  

Here’s what I predict will happen:  Each of the major networks (with the exception of Fox) are currently owned by a mega- conglomerate.  They all own a streaming services.  Streaming is the future.  Comcast’s main focus will be on Peacock not NBC.  CBS and ABC are set to become respective bastard children too.   Their competition is Netflix, and Hulu, and Apple, and Amazon, and HBO Max, and whoever else I’m missing.  BRIDGERTON has been seen by 80 million on Netflix we’re told.  Four networks combined get a tenth of that.  

Stick a (tuning) fork in it.   

I think there will be a flip.  Original scripted programming now debuts on the major broadcast networks and then go to their streaming services.  Very soon it will be the other way around.  A new show will premiere on Disney + and then a week later appear on ABC. Broadcast networks will be for the residue, folks that don’t want to pay for additional platforms.   For the Time-Warners and Viacoms they will become an afterthought — a way to pick up some additional change, the way their radio divisions and billboard divisions are.   How long until the Super Bowl is no longer on broadcast TV?    

Y’see, here’s why the conglomerates are so excited about streaming:  They can double dip.  Let’s say NBC has the Super Bowl.  On their broadcast network they collect the advertising revenue.  Should they go to Peacock they rake in the ad money AND you’re paying a subscription fee on top of that.   But wait!  There's more!  The Super Bowl will lure a lot more people to subscribe and THAT’S where the real money is.  

8 million people between CBS, NBC, ABC, and Fox for one night?  Hold a mirror up to the body to see if it’s still breathing.  

RIP Allan Burns

One of the comedy writers I absolutely revered passed away on Saturday.  Allan Burns was 85.  Among his many achievements, Allan was co-creator and co-showrunner of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.    He later went on to do LOU GRANT, get an Oscar nomination for A LITTLE ROMANCE, but before all that wrote Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons.  

He was also one of the nicest men on the planet.  

His writing was hilarious but always rooted in humanity. As funny as THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW was, to me the key was that you always cared — cared about the characters, cared about their problems — and much of that came from Allan.  The laughs were relatable, universal, and never mean spirited.  

When David Isaacs and I were doing that later show for Mary Tyler Moore, Allan was an invaluable resource; gracious with his time and advice.  

I’d go to lunch with him from time to time and never could believe he was treating me as a peer.  This was comedy royalty.  When David and I were starting out, we wrote spec episodes of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and RHODA.  Allan and his partner Jim Brooks were our idols.  Their shows were the gold standard.  We studied them.  Frankly, I was more impressed meeting Allan Burns than Mary Tyler Moore.  

In a town that runs on schadenfreude, Allan always wanted you to do well.  He derived genuine pleasure out of others success.  He welcomed your ideas, your contributions and was the first to laugh at your jokes.  In a rough and tumble industry Allan was gentle.  Decisive and always striving for excellence but kind and respectful of your feelings.  You did your best work for Allan because you wanted to.  

Allan Burns inspired me to become a TV comedy writer.  I owe so much to him.    And he wouldn’t even let me pay for lunch.  But that’s Allan.  He will be forever missed. From now on when you see Mary throw her hat in the air and it freezes, don't watch the hat, read the names on the screen.  

Weekend Post

As a playwright, one of the only advantages of this pandemic is that I'm able to get actors to be in Zoom readings who ordinarily would be way too busy.  Such was this case this week when I had a reading of my baseball comedy, GOING GOING GONE.  George Wendt stars along with some Broadway heavy-hitters.  I put it up on YouTube for all to see.   With pitchers and catchers reporting in just a few weeks, come get your baseball and comedy fix.  (Although you don't have to know or even like baseball to enjoy it.)

Play ball!  And thanks again to my amazing cast -- George Wendt, Kate Loprest, Jawan Jackson, Kevin Pollack, Jason Benetti, and Jim Aud.  

Friday Questions

Last Friday Questions for this rather uneventful month.  What’s yours?

Blair starts us off.

Was Martin’s chair designed and created for “Frasier” or was it an actual historic piece of furniture?

No, I think it was just an old junky chair that I suspect came out of the prop department.   The producers probably had several to choose from and just selected that one.  

The idea was for the chair to really look out of place in Frasier’s chic apartment.  Our motto: find ways to make Frasier frustrated. Kelsey plays frustration and angry so funny. 

I believe in time a second identical chair was purchased or made just as a back up should anything happen to it.  

I used to kid John Mahoney “Do you have your blocking down this week?”

From Paul W:

When you did Dancin' Homer, did you know that you wanted Baby Elephant Walk for the music or do you have to give different option in case there are licensing problems?

Yes.  We wanted that song specifically.  The studio had to pay for the rights, which was very nice.  And unusual.

Most studios have a music catalog of songs they own.  And most producers are asked to only use those tunes.  That’s why on Paramount shows you’ll hear “Moonlight in Vermont” on every show.  

Scotty B wonders:

I've seen you mention in a number of your posts about those TV actors who seem to always be *everywhere*. I grew up in the 1960s-70s, and I remember several child actors who seemed to be *everywhere* all the time, too -- often in character roles on Starsky & Hutch or Emergency. Lisa Gerritsen and Michael Link are two that I remember well. Who are some of those child actors that you remember?  

I’m afraid my answer will be shorter than your question.

Moosie Drier, Billy Mumy, Rusty Hamer, Angela Cartwright, Ann Jillian, Moochie, Annette, Eddie Hodges — to name but a few.  

And finally, from  Philly Cinephile:

Have you ever had to change the name of a character because of clearance issues?

Yes, and the extreme example was when were doing MARY, the 1985-86 Mary Tyler Moore comeback vehicle.  We were in the week of production for the pilot and legal research wouldn’t let us use James Farentino’s character name, which I think was Frank DeSantis.  

An added problem was that we had a frosted door to his office with his name beautifully painted on the front window.  Every day there was a new script and new name.  Finally, on the fourth day they let us keep the name, Frank DeMarco, which was good because we were running out of doors.  
 

EP209: My worst reviews

Every writer gets bad reviews. Sometimes really bad reviews. These are Ken’s worst. Listen and feel better about yourself.

New Podcasts Here.

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Table Readings

Here’s a Friday Question that became an entire post.

It’s from Marka.

I've wondered about table reads and how much you can trust them. Especially when you're directing and aren't familiar with the cast.

I assume there are folks who laugh at things that aren't funny because they want it to be funny, or want to be supportive. Others might be grumpy, hung over, or whatever and don't laugh at funny things because of that. Other casts must have honest and accurate reactions.

How accurate are table reads as a means of judging a script? Are these pitfalls things that happen? What other things are you looking out for with them, other than listening to them read the script?

Believe me, it’s not an exact science.  All of the factors you mentioned do come into play.  

But generally you can get a sense of whether the script works or not.   If it doesn’t it becomes glaringly apparent at a table read.  

If the table read goes well that still doesn’t guarantee the show won’t go south during the week.  But it’s a decent indication.  

If you have physical comedy or humor that depends on sight gags or costumes, none of that will be realized in the table read.  So you have to factor that in.  

Also, some actors are just bad at table reads.  If you know that going in you at least don’t get scared, but it’s hard to judge when the actor stumbles through the script or reads it flat.   Or, in the case of some stars, eat through the table reading.  

Laughs can be deceiving.  Sometimes a line will get a big laugh at the table reading then nothing during the week.  Your inclination is to keep the line since you heard it work.  But when lines are delivered on their feet the dynamics sometimes change.  I’ve learned not to completely trust stage reading laughs.  If a line dies on the stage, despite its reaction at the table read, I replace it.

What I look for mostly during the table read is whether the story works.  Does it track?  Are the attitudes right?  Are steps missing or rushed or repetitive?  I’m also keeping track of the actors.  Does a character drop out of the story?  Is he in a big scene with only three lines?  If there’s an argument, do both sides get to make decent points?   Are there too many zingers?  Do dialogue scenes seem forced?    Does someone come off unintentionally hateful or stupid?  

But like I said, it’s a very inaccurate yardstick.  There have been times when a show had a compressed production schedule.  So we had the table reading in the morning, the cast then got the script on its feet and we went back for a run-through that afternoon.  During their rehearsal time we would get a jump on the rewrite for tomorrow’s script, but when we saw the run-through, occasionally there were lines we were prepared to cut that worked.   So the takeaway there was fix the story but give jokes a chance to work on stage.  

I will say this:  table readings for pilots have gotten out of hand.  There are so many executives and industry people that arrive for the table read that instead of the cast sitting around a conference table, they’re all on a dais facing out to the audience.   How the hell are they supposed to relate to one another?   Zoom calls are more intimate.  

Stage play rehearsals often have “table work” days planned in.  More than just reading the script the actors and director will spend a few days really analyzing the text.  But in TV there’s no time.  So it’s a tool — often useful — but sometimes misleading.  

Hey, why should any part of the process be easy? 

WANDAVISION -- My review

DISCLAIMER: I know I’m not the target audience.

DISCLAIMER 2: I am not fully briefed on the Marvel Comics Universe.

DISCLAIMER 3:  I will probably get more hate comments than a anti-Trump post.

And that brings me to WANDAVISION. 

I watched the first two episodes of WANDAVISION on Disney +.  I can honestly say, “What the fuck is it supposed to be?”  

The first episode is Wanda & Vision (two aliens? creatures from an alternate universe? A fever dream?  What????) move into a 1950’s black and white sitcom.  

Why?

They’re clearly poking fun at the genre, but here’s the thing:  for an audience to get the joke they have to understand the reference.  I assume this show is designed for Millennials.  How many Millennials know the tropes of bad 1950’s sitcoms to appreciate what’s going on?   And it’s done in a very smug manner.  Non-comedy writers trying to write comedy.  So they load the show with lame jokes and assume the fun is the hip audience laughing at just how lame the jokes are.   Granted the actual 1950’s sitcoms were lame, but they were earnest.  This is just cynical and condescending.   They say it's a loving homage to THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.  As someone who reveres THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, I thought the tone was very snarky. 

Would it have been so terrible to try to write a show in that genre that was genuinely funny?  Instead, it’s just a big long sketch that’s a one-joke premise.  

Writing didn’t seem important but the production values were.  BEWITCHED-type animated opening titles, lots of special effects — dishes flying,  a character walking through walls, etc.  But all the characters are one-dimensional and you just don’t care about them.  Why should you?  The story is a standard trope, the characters are cardboard thin, it’s not funny, and there’s nothing emotional to hang onto.  

Episode two also starts in black-and-white, also is spoofing a genre only AARP members get, but from time to time flashes of color appear.   I’m guessing this takes the story in another direction, and for all I know that new direction is great.  But why did we have to see essentially an hour of the bad ‘50s sitcom?   As of this writing, only two episodes have dropped.  Maybe a third has come along.  I haven’t gotten to it yet. (So is that DISCLAIMER 4?) 

Again, aficionados of the Marvel Universe might find this completely understandable.  Maybe if you know the legend of WANDAVISION it all makes sense and is necessary for telling the whole story.  

But for Joe Lunchpail like me, it was confusing, not entertaining, and the cheesy plots, mugging, and one-liners made for an unpleasant hour of television.   

Prove to me you can write a good retro sitcom before you trash it.    And you better tell me why I’m watching this by the end of Episode 3 or it’ll be WANDA-WATCH-SOMETHING ELSE.

The Bernie Meme and how it applies to comedy writing

It's always a concern in a comedy writing room -- A joke or a bit or sight gag gets a huge laugh.  So to get the most out of it you bring it back, maybe in a slightly different form.  And that gets a big laugh too.  

So you repeat the process.  

Until you run the joke into the ground.  

Comedy writers have to be vigilant because it's a lot easier to go with the 57th variation of the same joke rather then come up with a brand new one.   My position:  stop it before it even becomes a question of whether the joke has been driven into the ground.  

I bring this up because of the recent Bernie Sanders Meme.  By now we've all seen the shot of him at the Inauguration. 

Later that day a few photoshop posts appeared on social media inserting him into various scenes.   And they were very funny.  I really laughed at the first seven or ten.  And I get that it represented a relief and joy after four years of sheer hell. 

But by the weekend half the posts on my Facebook news feed were Bernie and his mittens. -- inserted into family photos, movie one-sheets, famous paintings, historic scenes, rock concerts, the moon, etc.  

So tell me, do you still find them funny?  They stopped for me.  

Be careful in your writing.  Don't milk every joke for the last drop of comedy.  Don't use the same catchphrase five times in one script.   

When I see that in spec scripts I immediately say, "Lazy writer."  

"Callbacks" are a useful and handy tool.  Trying to get out of the scene?  Think back to one of the things that happened in the scene and make reference to it in the final joke.   

But beware!  Too many callbacks and you suck the life right out of them.  A good example is the Reverend Jim TAXI scene I posted over the weekend.  There is a repetition on "What does the yellow light mean?"  When they were filming, Chris Lloyd (who plays Reverend Jim) got so many laughs he just kept repeating it and repeating it.  But the producers wisely knew that there was a cut off point -- from when it was funny to when you wanted to kill everybody on the screen.

I'll be interested to see just how long this Bernie-mitten/"Where's Waldo?" phenomenon continues to dominate Facebook.  Hopefully, by the middle of June some people will be screaming, "OKAY! WE GET IT!"  

It's a comedy trap.  Don't fall in. 

Weekend Post

 A number of you commented yesterday that you thought the Reverend Jim Driving Test scene from TAXI was one of the all-time classics.  I totally agree.  However, eleven years ago I posted it and was surprised to find a lot of readers didn't find it funny.  Surprised isn't the right word.  SHOCKED is.   I realize comedy sensibility changes over time and different generations find different things funny, but I thought (wrongly so) that this scene would make anybody laugh.  

 See for yourself.  Here it is.  Written by Glen & Les Charles and directed by James Burrows.  

UPDATE: Because a number of commenters have complained about the laugh track -- the laughs are REAL.  You're hearing the actual audience laughter.  Along the way you also hear scattered applause -- that's a dead giveaway.  There's no scattered applause in laugh tracks.  And you don't get scattered applause unless the audience is really delighted and laughing.  I will grant you that most multi-cams not only use a laugh track but use it way too much and too loud.  But please accept the fact that 200 strangers in the bleachers that night found this scene genuinely funny and laughed out loud.  

 

Friday Questions

Friday Questions, anyone?

Mark Harvey Levine (no relation but one of the funniest playwrights in the biz) starts us off:

Hey I just learned (I'm slow on the uptake) that Nick, the bartender in "It's A Wonderful Life" was played by Sheldon Leonard, the famous producer of sitcoms. I did know that the two main male characters in "The Big Bang Theory" are named after him. And I just found out that his last acting job was a role on "Cheers". What was it like working with him as an actor? Did he threaten to throw you pixies out, t'roo the door or out the window?

Sheldon was lovely.  One of the few guest actors who never threatened me.

The sad thing is that most people on the set had no idea of his amazing iconic background.  I talked to him a little bit, primarily thanking him for THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.  It was his company that produced it and his foresight to tell Carl Reiner the show would be much better if Dick Van Dyke starred instead of Reiner himself (as he did in the original pilot).   Credit also to Reiner for putting ego aside and going along with that suggestion.  

Darlene asks:

I saw a promo on TV that Tim Allen's Home Improvement character would be appearing on Last Man Standing this season as a crossover (both played by Tim Allen of course). Question: When that happens, does Matt Williams or anyone from the original series get credit or money? Related, if you write an episode of a sitcom and a character becomes a break out star, are you entitled to any of the credit or money or does that all go to the show? Do writers ever wonder if they're ever creating the next Mork from Ork?

Good question.  I don’t have a definitive answer, but my guess would be yes, Williams would be entitled to some compensation.  

There is a provision in the WGA contract that allows for writers to get a royalty if they create a character that goes on to reoccur or become regulars of a series.  No on-screen credit but $$$. David Isaacs and I got creator royalties on Eddie LeBec (which is why weren’t too thrilled when we had to kill him).   The money isn’t huge, but it’s sure better than nothing.  

Along those lines, Brian wants to know:  

From what I understand, Reverend Jim Ignatowski was supposed to make one appearance as the officiator of Latka Gravas' paper marriage, but Christopher Lloyd's portrayal was so good, he was brought back.

Is it easier to get "one-shot" sitcom characters to join the regular cast? Is there less red tape and network approval to go through?

Usually what happens is if a character really scores he’ll be brought back once or twice to see if indeed they have lightning in a bottle.   Usually there’s little network resistance because the actor has already proven he’s an asset to the series.  

Beyond that, it’s all negotiation.  Is the actor interested and available?  How much does he want?  

Adding cast members can be tricky because the other cast members might resent having to give up screen time to the new darling.    They have to be convinced that a high tide lifts all boats.  The new guy might bring in more viewers and raise the ratings.  Everyone benefits as a result.  But it can be a dance.  

And finally, from Bob Gassel:

During your time at M*A*S*H, did weather ever play havoc with shooting at the ranch? If so, did scenes ever get relocated from the ranch back to the studio?  

We shot mostly in the summer when it never rains so that was not a problem.  Heat was. In the early fall we might get some unexpected rain and I do recall a couple of scenes being rewritten to be filmed on the stage.  

More often than not though, we would rewrite to shoot on the stage because they ran out of time (and daylight).  

What’s your Friday Question? 

EP208: All Things WINGS Part 2

Ken talks to Rob Leszczak, who wrote “The Complete Guide to the TV Sitcom WINGS.”  More reminiscing, including a prank I pulled on NBC, and a story about Lana Clarkson & the late Phil Spector. 

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

We made it! THANK GOD!!!

This is the revival I've been waiting four years for.  The return of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.  

It's so nice to hear a president who sounds like a president.  We all took it granted, didn't we?  

We can once again go to bed at night knowing a deranged madman doesn't have the nuclear codes.  

We can wake up in the morning secure that someone is finally in charge.  The pandemic, the economy, the military -- they're in good hands.  

Science and facts and justice and truth and fairness and the Constitution are again valued.  Stupidity is not celebrated.  Hate is not encouraged.  Violence is not condoned. 

Tumultuous times are indeed ahead as Joe Biden is left to repair the immeasurable damage his vile loathsome predecessor left, but at least he'll be trying.  

I wish him and Kamala Harris the very best.  Thank you for restoring order and hope and humanity.  And allowing me to sleep for the first time since November 2016.  

Trump apparently left the traditional letter to the incoming president.  "Please pardon me.  PLEASE PLEASE!"

Enjoy the world's greatest palindrome:   1 20 2021

RIP Don Sutton

So sorry to hear of the passing of Hall of Famer, Don Sutton.  He was 75.  As a Dodger fan growing up I was always a big fan.  Koufax and Drysdale got all the attention, but Don Sutton holds many Dodger pitching records and quietly finished his career with over 300 wins.  With the way the game is played today I don’t think you’ll see many 300 game winners from now on.  

I'm sure that's what most articles will focus on.  But that’s just part of his career.  Don got into broadcasting after he hung up his cleats and became one of the best, most accomplished play-by-play men in the game.  Lots of former players become announcers but most become analysts.  They sit back and offer observations and insights when they occur.  That’s not an easy job as is evidenced by how many are terrible at it.   But play-by-play is a much tougher assignment.  You control the broadcast and have the added responsibility of describing the action and keeping the patter going.  Especially on radio.  I can think of maybe a dozen who mastered that art, and along with Bob Uecker I think Don Sutton was the best.  

He had a distinctive style, very relaxed and sooooo easy to listen to.  For years he’s called Atlanta Braves games with partner, Jim Powell and for my money they were in the top five of team broadcasts.  They had a great chemistry, Powell is superb, and they were fun and informative to listen to no matter the score, no matter who was winning.  

I have the MLB app and listen to a lot of out-of-town broadcasts when I drive around LA (back when I was driving around).  If there’s a Braves game on I usually go right to it and more importantly, stay with it.  And trust me, I could care less about the Braves.  

Don’s greatest gift as a broadcaster was his ability to really communicate one-to-one with his listeners.  When you were driving in your car he was talking directly to you.  It’s a skill surprisingly few announcers of any sport have mastered.  Don had it in spades.  

Off the air he was just as easy going and approachable, only a little more candid.  He had a sly sense of humor, told great stories, and was always generous in sharing information with other broadcasters (like me).   I always thought he should have been the successor to Vin Scully of the Dodgers.  Or, for that matter, the voice of the Angels.  He played for them as well.  

He will be missed.  Thanks for the wins, friendship, and keeping me company all those hours on crowded freeways. 

This explodes like Gwyneth Paltrow's V-jay

WARNING:  Today's post is a tad raunchy and insensitive.  But I couldn't resist.  Sometimes a news story will come along that a comedy writer can not resist addressing.

Okay, this sounds like a joke but it’s a real thing.  Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP company sells a candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina.”  

And they say actors have huge egos and are too self-absorbed.  

I mean, the hubris of that — to put out such a product and think that enough people will want to buy it to make it profitable.  

"Thank you so much for starring in my play.  Here’s a little token of my appreciation.”

Oh, and by the way, they’re $75.  

Anyway, Gwy’s v-jay is in the news because a woman in North London bought one, lit it, and it exploded into a big fireball.  They were able to contain it, but Ms. Paltrow’s vagina almost burned down her house.   What a fun lawsuit that would’ve been.  

Here’s the story.  See?  I’m not making this up.

Despite the ridiculous price, I’m thinking of buying one just so I could call customer service and complain. 

I would say, “Excuse me, but this doesn’t smell like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.  Certainly not the way I remembered it.  Maybe I just got a bad one.  Could you send me a replacement?  No?  Then I want my money back.  I’m sure Ms. Paltrow would not like to see a bad review in Yelp… or Rotten Tomatoes.”   I’m considering it.  Of course, you’re welcome to do it yourself.  

As absurd as a product called “This Smells Like My Vagina” is, at least it’s Gwyneth Paltrow putting it out and not Ivanka.   

Ted Leitner

My subject for today’s post is someone 99% have probably never heard of.  But he means a lot to me so he's worth a shout-out.

Ted Leitner is leaving the San Diego Padres radio booth after 41 years.  Proud to say I was his partner for three of those years. 

Ted is a San Diego institution.  He did TV sports for many years, has also called the Chargers (who still belong in San Diego), and San Diego State football and basketball. 

In a word, Ted is unique.  He’s opinionated, an excellent play caller, master storyteller, warm, bombastic, insightful, sarcastic, and very funny.  His play-by-play is unlike anyone I’ve ever heard and that’s probably what I love best about him.   Especially now, when personality is discouraged and announcers tend to be very generic.   In today’s social media world, generic means “safe” which means fewer complaints on Twitter and Facebook and blogs. 

But it also means less fun, fewer surprises, and no reason to still listen if your favorite team is behind by 7 runs in the 4th inning. 

When the team was playing well, Ted called them “My Padres.”  When they played horseshit they were “Your Padres.” 

Off the air he was a terrific guy.  Let me share this story.

In 1993 I was calling games for the Seattle Mariners.  During the offseason I got a call from Jerry Coleman (then the Padres number one announcer) asking if I’d speak at his charity banquet.  He put together a group of speakers from among Major League Baseball announcers every year.  I was happy to oblige. 

On the panel was the great Harry Kalas of the Phillies, Ralph Kiner of the Mets, Jerry, me, and Ted.    It was a good crowd.  My speech killed.  Ted then had to follow me.  His speech did not get the laughs it deserved. 

The next day as I was packing to leave I heard Ted on the radio with the morning hosts talking about the previous evening’s event.  He said he had bombed (not totally true) and learned never to follow a comedy writer.  I thought, well, shit, Ted Leitner now hates me. 

Flashforward a couple of years.  Jerry Coleman gets the assignment to do the CBS Radio game of the week every Saturday so the Padres need someone to fill in every weekend.  The president of the Padres was Larry Lucchino who had been the president of the Baltimore Orioles when I broadcast for them.  He was having dinner with Ted discussing who might fill that position.  Larry recommended me. 

What a perfect job that would be.  I could continue my writing career in Los Angeles and every weekend join the team and call baseball.  Best of both worlds. 

But…

Ted had to sign-off on it.  It would have been so easy for Ted to say, “Oh, THAT guy?  NO.”  Instead he said, “That’s a great idea!  Get him.”   Believe me, there are many many many others in the business who are insecure and would feel threatened.   Not Ted.    We always had fun together on the air, and I think we each made the other sound better.

Ted is still doing the Aztecs football and basketball, and he’ll be an ambassador for the Padres.  I hope he gets to enjoy the first summer in 41 years.  I wish him nothing but the best.  His successor, Jesse Agler, is a top flight young announcer and I wish him the best as well. 

But I’ll miss Ted on the air.  Now and forever they are “HIS Padres.”  

Weekend Post

 Welcome to a little respite from the news.  We all could use a half hour escape with a little comedy. 

I'm always saying that the bar has been way lowered when it comes to today's multi-cam sitcoms.   Here's another episode of ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis, this one from 1996.  We were always looking to stretch ourselves, find interesting new ways of telling stories, and taking advantage of the many talents our cast had to offer.  This is an episode from season 2.  It was not a "special" episode.  It was more a typical episode.  Nothing would please me more than to see today's sitcoms try things like this.  See what you think. 

NOTE: If you're seeing this on a phone scroll down to "view web version" to access the video.