Tuesday, January 19, 2021

This explodes like Gwyneth Paltrow's V-jay

WARNING:  Today's post is a tad raunchy and insensitive.  But I couldn't resist.  Sometimes a news story will come along that a comedy writer can not resist addressing.

Okay, this sounds like a joke but it’s a real thing.  Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP company sells a candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina.”  

And they say actors have huge egos and are too self-absorbed.  

I mean, the hubris of that — to put out such a product and think that enough people will want to buy it to make it profitable.  

"Thank you so much for starring in my play.  Here’s a little token of my appreciation.”

Oh, and by the way, they’re $75.  

Anyway, Gwy’s v-jay is in the news because a woman in North London bought one, lit it, and it exploded into a big fireball.  They were able to contain it, but Ms. Paltrow’s vagina almost burned down her house.   What a fun lawsuit that would’ve been.  

Here’s the story.  See?  I’m not making this up.

Despite the ridiculous price, I’m thinking of buying one just so I could call customer service and complain. 

I would say, “Excuse me, but this doesn’t smell like Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.  Certainly not the way I remembered it.  Maybe I just got a bad one.  Could you send me a replacement?  No?  Then I want my money back.  I’m sure Ms. Paltrow would not like to see a bad review in Yelp… or Rotten Tomatoes.”   I’m considering it.  Of course, you’re welcome to do it yourself.  

As absurd as a product called “This Smells Like My Vagina” is, at least it’s Gwyneth Paltrow putting it out and not Ivanka.   


Troy McClure said...

Ivanka's would have to be called "This Smells Like Eva Braun."

Today's the last full day of the fascist piece of shit in office. He's apparently going to issue over 100 pardons. No one should be surprised if by the end of the day he's pardoned some serial killers, rapists, white supremacist terrorists, and Ghislaine Maxwell.

P.S. My gratitude to the Pentagon for refusing to give Trumpuke a military style farewell parade that he wanted. I hope it hurt his fragile ego and made him furious.

VincentS said...

So much for Qwyneth's reputation as a class act.

Mibbitmaker said...

In respect for a fellow practitioner of the con game, maybe he'll pardon Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina.

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

Kosmo13 said...

Did she also issue a candle that smells like Blythe Danner's, intended for geriatric consumers?

Brian said...

"Teacher says, "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.'"

What on Earth could this explosion mean?

Rashad Khan said...

Thank you so much. I am so posting this story to my FB news feed.

StoicJim said...

This product is a hot mess.

Steve Bailey said...

As long as we're in bad-taste mode today, I remember a joke where Eve walked into the river to wash herself, and God reprimanded her, "Are you crazy? Now all of the fish are going to smell like that!"

thomas tucker said...

OMG, that last line is perfect! Thank you. And, thank you for helping me know what to get for stocking stuffers next Christmas.

Cheryl Marks said...

No, Gwyneth would package a bag of dust to sell to us geriatric types and call it "This Smells Like My Mother's Vagina"

Guaranteed to provide 52 potent sniffs. Your mileage may vary.

Michael said...

But Gwyneth sure could play Ivanka on SNL or in a movie. The question is whether she'd realize it's satire.

Troy McClure said...

Loving the tweets that say today is finally the day Trump will disclose his tax returns, release a healthcare plan, pass an infrastructure bill, make Mexico pay for the wall, disarm North Korea, and expose the deep state.

Luckily for him, his dumb as fuck, mouth breathing, cousin marrying supporters believe he's already done all of that.

blinky said...

It is so easy to make fun of Gwyneth Paltrow, but a couple years ago she was on Stephen Colbert and she did a whole satire bit about her web site. Seemed like a really good sport about it. So I laugh at her web site but I actually like her. I mean she is a lot nicer than Ellen DeGeneres.

Steve said...

The real tragedy here is that now future 'Essences Of Gwyneth' candles won't be released like:
This Smells Like My Ass, This Smells Like My Armpit After I Workout and This Smells Like My Big Toe After I Stepped On A Thumbtack And It Got Infected.

YEKIMI said...

Sounds to me like the candle had an orgasm.

Mike Bloodworth said...

I saw that news story and at first I thought it was a gag. The kind of thing you might see in The Onion or the old Weekly World News. But it was legit. And the reference to her vagina was really intended as tongue-in-cheek.

I also can't help but wonder if this was a defective product or an attempt to make a quick buck from Gwyneth. The article I read said nothing about a potential lawsuit.

As for "raunchy and insensitive," It gives a whole new meaning to the term "pussy fart."
Finally, despite the fact that Gwyneth has no earlobes, I would still "do" her. She's not fat and she has nice feet. Plus that way I could know for sure if her pudendum smells like a candle.


P.S. Speaking of vaginas, I just saw on the news that Los Angels is cracking down on illegal, underground strip clubs. Poor strippers. 😭😽

I'm Outraged! said...

blinky - That Colbert appearance was a PR job to negate the negative publicity from his accurate ridicule and permanently weaken it, and it worked brilliantly, she knew exactly what she was doing an he fell for it. Her being part of the sendup took away the segments credibility, and gullible Colbert sat there being charmed by her, and played like a fool.

Ted. said...

Honestly, Ken, I'd think you would be the first to get this: Gwyneth Paltrow is a humorist. Calling a candle "This Smells Like My V@gina" is intended to be funny. (It doesn't actually smell like a body part; it's just a regular scented candle -- that's the joke.)

I realize that her business of promoting earnestly high-intentioned (and high-priced) wellness products is hard to reconcile with not taking yourself seriously. But when you see Paltrow on talk shows, it's clear that what seems like pure celebrity ego is presented with a significant dose of self-satire.

Ere I Saw Elba said...

I'm not going to make any judgments on whether the candle smells like her vagina until I have an empirical point of comparison. Habeas corpus, man, habeas corpus.

Lemuel said...

Blythe Danner, call your daughter and tell her to come home and set a spell.

Roger said...

Am I going to need another vaccine?

Chester said...

I think Gwyneth wins the Last Laugh Award on this one.

She's not a bozo for marketing the satirically named candle. But the woman (and likely many others) who bought it come off looking like the real clowns.

Gwyneth is way too smart to be taking herself too seriously. The $75 price tag seems only to underscore the point.

O, and the publicity about the exploding candle will likely increase sales. A lot of people are just that dumb. Want proof? See the march on the Capitol!