Nicole Kidman: Boxoffice death

At what point does Hollywood stop giving Nicole Kidman starring roles in movies and instead ask her to do a pilot for the Oxygen Channel? Is it all the bad plastic surgery? Lousy career advice? A complete inability to judge a script? Marriage?

Whatever it is, America has voted and they do not want to see Nicole Kidman.

Her current release, THE GOLDEN COMPASS figures to be one of the biggest bombs of the year (It’s not just Catholics. NO ONE is going to see this movie.). And it comes on the heels of MARGOT AT THE WEDDING (described by a friend as having glass in your eye for two hours), THE INVASION (taking Daniel Craig down with her), BIRTH (where she takes a bath with a ten year old), FUR (where she has to shave Big Foot), and who can forget one of the unfunniest comedies ever made, BEWITCHED?

Is she just self destructive? Did they stretch the skin too tight and it’s affecting her brain? I don’t get it. She used to be good. I saw her in person eleven years ago and thought she was the most naturally beautiful woman on the planet. She got Oscar nominations.

I’ll bet nine out of ten of you reading this are saying the same thing: It all started when she had to pretend to enjoy having sex with Tom Cruise in EYES WIDE SHUT. I would have to agree.

Get out now Katie while you can!!

Yee Haw!!!

Here's the new ride at the Texas State Fair. Okay, we have some goofy things going on in California but we don't have THIS.

Warning: expletives not deleted.

Would you put MASH on your resume?

I’m always so heartened that my MASH posts are so well received.

A few years ago 60 MINUTES did a segment on writers facing ageism (ironic since the 60 MINUTES correspondents range in age from 65-211). One industry idiot suggested that if a writer had a MASH credit he should leave it off his resume because it made him appear too old. To me that’s insane. I could not be more proud of my association with MASH and the day I take it off my resume is the day I start selling Marie Osmond dolls on QVC. (But for the record, I was 9 when I started on that show).

How many television series have books and scholarly papers written about them? Although I must admit, I’ve read these and they’re a joke. They talk about the brilliant symbolism, our deeper philosophical and empirical meanings, the clever use of the Anti-Christ, affectionate homage’s to classic literature – none of that is true. We were just looking to come up with a joke so we could go to lunch or a story beat for Radar so he’d leave us alone.

But we knew this: we had the best job in Hollywood, worked with the finest people, and it’s nice to know that 30 years later the shows are still being seen and a whole new generation is discovering them.

My guess is a lot of today’s shows will also be around in 30 years. We may be watching them on chips implanted in our heads but they’ll be there. And the writers of those shows deserve the same security and compensation that we MASH writers have enjoyed.

Keep up the fight. It’s worth it.

Another thing I’ll never take off my resume: I’m a union man.




Thanks to Tom Straw and Alexis Fancher for the strike photos.

A note to commenters

You are welcome to offer any viewpoint, even one opposing mine. But I have one rule. You must leave your name. There have been some pro-AMPTP comments, all by anonymous commenters. From now on I will delete them all.

I understand there are PR people from the AMPTP side trying to counter the negative press they've been given. One tactic is to offer comments on blogs.

So like I said, you want to argue on their behalf, fine. You can write two pages. But leave a legitimate name. Otherwise, you're gone.

I think that's fair. Even if it's not, it's my blog. But I still feel it's fair.

Thanks.

Black & blue Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Hollywood and you know what that means – plastic surgery season!

Yes, it’s the time of year when stars or anyone over 28 can sneak off for a couple of weeks and get that face lift, tummy tuck, botox treatment, and boob job they’ve needed since October. Instead of Aspen or Hawaii they can spend the holidays locked away looking like raccoons or Rocky Balboa after a fight.

They need to be ready because in January the awards season begins!! A standard rule of thumb: an actress’ skin must be pulled tighter than the red carpet. What they don’t understand is that viewers don’t say, “Wow, she looks amazing!”, they say, “Wow, she looks like Barry Manilow.” Not that the interviewers are any better. One day Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest will look as one.

Lip enhancements are big these days. Here’s Meg Ryan (compliments of Radaronline.com) from 2001. AMERICAN PSYCHO producer Clifford Streit said it looked like she installed a vagina on her face. Later, they actually did that operation on an episode NIP/TUCK. Meg would be so thrilled to know she's a trend setter.

There is a high rise hotel adjacent to Beverly Hills that reserves two floors exclusively for celebrities hiding out while recovering from their transformation to the Joker. Can you imagine how many poor room service guys are traumatized for life? “Here’s your club sandwich Ms Bullock…AAAAA!!!”

It’s not just women of course who go in for these procedures. Compliments of Awfulplasticsurgery.com, here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. And have you noticed that every local news anchor is starting to look like Jack Lord, including the women?

One celebrity who doesn’t buy into this nonsense is BOSTON LEGAL’S Julie Bowen (pictured right). And despite being somewhat flat-chested, she’s found you don’t need a boob job to be provocative while at an awards ceremony.

But the astounding thing is that it’s not just stars who flock to the knife and suction hoses. In L.A. a large number of elective surgery patients are…are you ready?…real estate agents.

That’s right. You’ve got to look young and glamorous if you possibly hope to move that tear-down in Mar Vista. Why is the housing market in Los Angeles so screwed up? Because there are now 5,000 Liza Minellis running around with real estate licenses! No wonder everyone makes fun of us!

In the rest of the world Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?” But here in the land of perpetual beauty, endless award shows, and a tight housing market Santa asks, “What don’t you like about yourself?”

St. Nick Counter

Twas the night before Christmas…

Nick Counter (pictured: right) settles in a nice night’s sleep after six months of telling writers there’s no money or future in the internet. Suddenly, he hears a voice. He opens his eyes and sees the image of Harry Cohn. Harry explains that he’s now paying for a lifetime of greed and treating writers worse than his pets. He’s forced to walk the earth for eternity in chains and watch every Rob Schneider movie that plays anywhere in the world. This could be Nick’s fate if he doesn’t share future delivery systems.

Cohn also tells him he’ll be visited by three spirits – the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. And he can’t postpone seeing them until after he’s had a chance to caucus with studio presidents and Gavin Pallone. Harry must leave. Some stoners in Peoria are about to watch DUECE BIGELOW II.

Nick tries to go back to sleep. But the first ghost arrives. They revisit Nick’s childhood. Back to the time in the third grade when a kid talked him out of his lunch money and he vowed to take it out on writers for the rest of his life.

Then the ghost of Christmas present swings by and takes him to the home of poor Bobby Cratchit, living modestly in an apartment in Pacoima with his family of six. They’re eating a Christmas dinner of Turkey Helper but they’re happy. Bobby is hopeful that the one episode of LOST he wrote will bring in enough money through streaming and downloads to pay for his son Timmy’s private education. Tim is tiny it seems and the gangs at the public school beat the shit out of him repeatedly.

Finally, the ghost of Christmas Future makes its appearance. He shows Nick his own funeral, which is picketed.

Nick wakes up in a cold sweat. He realizes it’s not too late. He can still repent. With love and charity in his heart, Nick calls the WGA negotiating committee and says, “Okay, I’ll give you an extra eighteen cents for each internet airing after the first six weeks but that includes all foreign royalties and precludes any contributions to the health and welfare fund.”

"Many laughed to see this alteration in him, but he let them laugh and little heeded them. His own heart laughed and that was quite enough for him. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well if any man alive possessed the knowledge.

God Bless us every one."

Your mid-week strike report

I understand on Monday at Sony hot girls were giving out free samples of tequila in little bottles shaped like, well…butt plugs. Judging by the shape of the bottles everyone assumed it was a gift from one of the major agencies. But apparently it was not. Thanks to Barry Wernick for the photo. Taken moments before he finished the bottle.

So on Tuesday I switched over from 20th to Sony. Alas no tequila. But more shade! There's a different vibe at Sony. At 20th it's primarily a large group marching out front in a circle. At Sony there are little pockets of picketers at each of the entrances. And the groups have settled in and have become little families. Years from now the members will hear horn honks and get nostalgic.

Wednesday I'm hitting CBS Radford. I wonder if Gary Sinese is still making homemade cookies.

Members of the negotiating committee have been going to the various picketing sites updating us on the situation and answering questions. John Bowman filled us in at 20th on Monday. It’s pretty clear the AMPTP is made up of Bond villains, Gordon Gecko, J. R. Ewing, Mr. Spacely of the JETSONS, and Henry F. Potter from IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE.

Looking for that perfect Christmas or Hanukah gift? How about a WGA strike T-shirt or plastic bracelet? She’ll LOVE you for it! He’ll be blown away. Get your Writers Strike Swag here.

You can tell the screenwriters from the TV writers on the picket line. TV writers all know each other, say hello, march in little groups. Screenwriters are used to being alone. You see them walking by themselves, scanning the line, desperately looking for someone they recognize… who hasn’t rewritten them.

Wednesday writers are invited to attend a Teamster Rally Against Cross Border Trucking at the Otay Mesa border crossing in San Diego. If you think Teamsters are fierce looking, you should see the staff from UGLY BETTY (pictured: left).

It’s also Diversity Picketing Day at Paramount on Melrose. You don’t have to be diverse to attend but if you could, that would be nice.

Why won’t the AMPTP accept a deal where we would share internet earnings, even small earnings, based on a percentage formula? Because that would mean they’d have to open their books. We might learn that the SIMPSONS has not been a huge loss leader all these years.

I didn't know this: If the wood post sticks out above the sign on a placard it is considered a legal weapon.

I’d say boycott the Carson Daly show but really, who the hell watches it anyway?

80% of what you hear about the strike in the media and blogs is incorrect, although I’m not sure that’s the right number.

Fox is counting on AMERICAN IDOL to get huge ratings again in January. But with Jordin Sparks being the first American Idol to have her debut album tank maybe this will be the year AI starts to show its age. And Paula can follow Kellie Pickler on ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

Nick Counter, the lead negotiator for the AMPTP, is doing his best to not only screw us but also his own daughter and son-in-law. They’re both members of the WGA.

The story of POV

Thanks for your interest in POV. It's a story I've told before but always love telling again.

My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote 19 episodes of MASH. I’m often asked which is my favorite and the answer is easy. POINT OF VIEW. It was from the 7th season when we were the show’s head writers.

The episode was our idea. We wanted to simulate the experience of being in a MASH unit as seen through the eyes of a wounded soldier. The viewer would be the soldier. We would see him get hit, transported by chopper, rushed to OR, recuperating in Post Op, mingling with the doctors and nurses, etc. The actors would talk directly into the camera.

We pitched the idea to our producer, Burt Metcalfe, telling him it would either be the best show of the season or a colossal embarrassment. But we wanted to shake things up. Larry Gelbart had so brilliantly done that a few years before with “The Interview”. We wanted our opportunity to tell a story a different way. To Burt’s credit, he gave us the okay. And this was back in the day when the creative staff of a series decided the show’s stories and direction, not the studio or network. (Allow me a moment of wistful reflection)

First off, though, we needed a story. On the surface it was simple. A soldier is injured, treated and saved by those lovable wacky medicos at the 4077th. But what’s his injury? Where’s the suspense? And more importantly, how does he connect with our central characters?

We heard of a 1947 movie that used this first-person device called LADY IN THE LAKE. It was a Raymond Chandler mystery with Robert Montgomery as detective Philip Marlowe. Or, more accurately, Robert Montgomery’s voice. So we screened the movie. Holy shit! What we found was that when someone talked to Marlowe it was fine, but when Marlowe spoke the other actors had nothing to do but stare uncomfortably into the camera and try to react (this was not Jayne Meadow’s best work). It was sooooo dicey. Not to mention static, boring, and…well, downright creepy.

It seemed to us the key to making this device work was not having the soldier talk. And that sparked our story. What if the patient is hit in the throat? He can’t speak. He must undergo a series of tricky operations (the suspense) until finally he is able to utter only two words –

“Thank…you”.

Now the story laid out pretty easily. We created a B story where Potter forgets his anniversary and the patient informs Hawkeye which leads to the resolution. That way the soldier is directly involved in the story. One of the show’s highlights for me was how masterful Harry Morgan played the scene in which he confided in the young soldier. Not a dry seat in the house!

We wanted to really utilize the visual, give the viewer a different perspective whenever possible. What did it look like actually being in the chopper, gazing down at the camp, being on a stretcher during the insanity of triage, being wheeled into OR?

So much credit for the success of the episode goes to director, Charles Dubin. And remember, he had only three days to film this, not three weeks…or months. And this was 1978, before steady cams. I think D. W. Griffith used this camera to shoot BIRTH OF A NATION. It couldn’t have been heavier or more unwieldy.

The cast was marvelous, really rising to the occasion. It’s hard enough to relate to fellow actors, but to play highly emotional scenes looking directly into a camera has to be nearly impossible. Additionally, scenes all had to play out in one take. We couldn’t cut back and forth between characters and angles and takes. To this day I marvel at their skill.

Trivia note: We gave the patient the name Bobby Rich. Bobby is one of my dearest friends, currently hosting a morning radio show in Tucson.

When the show was completed we watched the finished product in a screening room. I was horrified. There was Radar’s giant head filling this huge screen, addressing all of us tiny ants in the theater. AAAAAAGH!!! As I sat in the dark, contemplating my next career, I wondered how I could reconcile the fact that I personally had destroyed MASH. How’s THAT going to look on my resume?

The show aired on a Monday night during November sweeps. I almost didn’t watch it. When it began I cringed. A few moments into it Radar appeared. And a strange thing happened. The show suddenly worked.

Seeing Radar’s head on a TV screen, the comparable size of most human beings (Only Barry Bonds has a head the size of Radar’s on the silver screen.) the audience was able to buy the conceit. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. By the act break I canceled my 11 PM flight to Antarctica.

I look back at that show today with great pride. We were allowed to take risks. Encouraged to take risks. And even if the show had been the “GLEN OR GLENDA of television” that it appeared to be that dark day in the screening room, I would still be proud to be a part of it. To the cast and crew and everyone involved in POINT OF VIEW, all I can say is –

“Thank you”.

POV (MASH) -- script and scene

I thought this would be fun. This is the first scene from our MASH episode "Point of View" followed by a YouTube video of the scene so you can compare it with the script.

Next post: the story behind POV.

*******
(NOTE: THIS ENTIRE EPISODE IS SUBJECTIVE CAMERA, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF PRIVATE BOBBY RICH.)

FADE IN

UNDER TITLES WE SEE:

EXT. KOREAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY

PRIVATE BOBBY RICH is on patrol with his platoon. There are several Soldiers spread out in front of him. They are all walking very cautiously, on the lookout for trouble. Rich LOOKS FROM SIDE TO SIDE as he walks. (END TITLES). Up ahead, a SERGEANT turns to the Men.

SERGEANT
Spread out. Spread out. Ferguson, Rich – don’t sit on top of each other.

PRIVATE FERGUSON turns to Rich.

FERGUSON
If we were all in a phone booth he’d still tell us to spread out.

RICH
(o.s.) Take a couple of giant steps, Fergy.

Ferguson moves further ahead of Rich. The patrol continues until the shrill SOUND of incoming mortars is HEARD.

SERGEANT
Incoming! Hit the dirt!

An EXPLOSION up ahead. The line starts to scatter, people hitting the ground. Before Rich can find cover there’s another EXPLOSION to his left. Suddenly the ground is yanked out from under him, and he’s LYING ON his side, dazed and wounded. Another EXPLOSION goes off up ahead. (Intermittent EXPLOSIONS continue throughout course of SCENE.) SCREAMING and CONFUSION is HEARD as other Soldiers scramble for better cover. Rich is lying helpless when another SOLDIER crawls up to him and looks him over.

SOLDIER
Rick, Rich, you okay?

The Soldier TURNS Rich OVER ON his back to face him. He looks at Rich’s wound which is in the vicinity of his throat.

SOLDIER
(grimacing at Rich’s wound) Oh, God! (calling out) Medic! Medic!

Rich tries to say something. All he can manage is a low wheezing. The Soldier squeezes Rich’s hand.

SOLDIER
Don’t talk, Rich. You’re hit there. (calling out) Medic! Dammit, Medic! Easy, Rich, easy.

An EXPLOSION goes off nearby. The Soldier covers Rich with his body. MEDIC NUMBER ONE runs up to them.

SOLDIER
Where you been?

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
What’ve we got?

SOLDIER
He took some stuff in his neck. He’s bleeding.

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Soldier) Okay, take it easy. (calling out) Litter! (to Rich) You’re gonna be all right, fella. We’ll get you out.

Medic Number One opens Rich’s first-aid pack, removes the pressure bandage, and starts to apply it to Rich’s throat. Rich TURNS his head AWAY.

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Don’t fight me. I’m here to help you.

Rich TURNS his head BACK and SEES Medic Number One apply the pressure bandage to his throat. LITTER BEARER arrives. The litter is placed alongside him on the ground.

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Let’s get him on. I’ll hold his head…okay move.

Rich feels himself being lifted, and put on the litter.

MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Rich) Things’ll bounce a bit so hold on…Good luck, fella. (to Soldier and Litter Bearer) Go!

Rich is LIFTED and carried off. The litter BOUNCES ALONG. As the sights and sounds of the battle pass by, Rich BLACKS OUT.

Let's give 'em something to talk about

I’ll be filling in again Sunday night on KABC Talkradio 790 at 9 pm to co-host their sportstalk show. At least I’ll have stuff to talk about. Pro and college football and basketball, the bullshit BCS rankings, the baseball winter meetings, hockey (well… maybe not hockey.) But it’s sure different from my hosting the KMPC Sports Final in 1981.

KMPC here in LA was a talk station then. They came up with the idea of doing a two-hour nightly sports news and highlight show (a la ESPN Sportscenter). I was asked to be the sole host. Since the writers happened to be out on strike then too I eagerly accepted. It’s not easy to support a family on JOE & SONS residuals.

Unfortunately, two days into the job the Players Union went on strike shutting down Major League Baseball. It was early summer. Other than baseball at that time of year there was NOTHING. I had two full hours of NOTHING. Couldn’t take phone calls. Couldn’t do interviews. I would have killed for hockey news.

I had to resort to reporting minor league baseball results. The Salt Lake City Gulls were the Angels’ Triple-A farm team and since we were the Angels’ flagship station, we became your official Salt Lake City Gulls station (not that any other stations were competing for that title). I was doing pitching-matchups between Salt Lake City and Tacoma on a 50,000 watt major Los Angeles radio station. And repeating it seventeen times!

I was also giving Australian Rules Football results, summer pro-league pick up basketball game results, green conditions on local golf courses, and paddle tennis tournament updates from the Jonathon Club. The Dallas Cowboys began training camp in nearby Thousand Oaks. I reported on wind sprint drills.

After a couple of months of this the baseball strike was settled, and the NFL began its preseason. Finally I had something to talk about!

Then the station decided to promptly drop the format and let me go.

But if I get hung up tonight I know that Australian Rules Football player Adam Ramanauskas is slated to be the guest coach at a talent camp in South Africa. I can do twenty minutes on that EASY.

Kellie Pickler -- Registered Voter

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY just announced their "50 smartest people in Hollywood". Just missing out, coming in at #51 was Kellie Pickler.

Making chicken salad out of the new AMPTP proposal

The Writers Guild negotiating committee is taking the weekend to study the new proposal by the AMPTP. But don’t get your hopes up. Upon examination their proposal is really a big rollback. By the time this thing is settled Carson Daly will be stealing Double Bubble comics for his lame jokes.

Most writers I know are very disappointed. One or two are silently relieved, thinking, “Oh shit! If this thing is over soon then I’m going to have to actually write that pilot/episode/screenplay.”

The trick is not to get too disgusted. And yet it’s hard to find a positive spin for all of this. But in the interest of keeping moral up I have found maybe the only good things to come out of the strike so far. I know it’s a small list. If you have more, please tell me. I’m having a hard time believing the ones I have.

Anyway, they are…

The rest of the world has discovered that Nikki Finke’s website is the place to go for information.

YouTube videos have gotten much funnier now that David Letterman writers have joined the junior high nerds from Lancaster, Pennsylvania who normally contribute these comedy classics.

It hasn’t snowed.

Many writers are getting cardiovascular exercise for the first time since 1988.

I got mentioned in Rolling Stones magazine (but I haven't seen it yet so I'm not certain it's a good thing).

There was a rally to salute the veteran writers although I could have lived without the phrase "meet the writers from YESTERYEAR." It makes it sound like we're all the Lone Ranger.

We get to relive the 60s without being teargassed.

Agents for once have a legitimate excuse for not talking to their clients.

Other people may start to hate Carson Daly as much as I do.

SAG has really stood by us. Now I admire as well as lust after some of its members.

Jesse Jackson has moved on.

Bob's Big Boy gives a discount to striking writers.

And the biggest benefit – finally a new version of AMERICAN GLADIATORS!

Erin or Bonnie???

A raging controversy erupted last week in the comments section. Who was hotter – Bailey (Jan Smithers) or Jennifer (Loni Anderson) on WKRP? Commenter Mike Barer expanded the debate, adding a few more names. I can spot a blog topic when I see one! So to divide this country of ours even further, who do you think was hotter…?

Ginger or Marianne (GILLIGAN’S ISLAND)?

Kate Jackson or Farah Fawcett or Jackie Smith (CHARLIE’S ANGELS)?

Farah Fawcett or Cheryl Ladd (also CHARLIE’S ANGELS)?

Dick York or Dick Sargent (BEWITCHED)?

Diane or Rebecca ( CHEERS)?

Marcia Brady or Laurie Partridge?

Betty (ARCHIE) or Betty (FLINTSTONES)?

Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert?

Patty or Cathy (PATTY DUKE SHOW)?

Christian or Sean (NIP/TUCK)?

Cutthroat Bitch or 13 (HOUSE)?

Erin Andrews or Bonnie Bernstein (ESPN -- pictured above)?

Daniel Craig or Sean Connery?

Lindsay Wagner or Michelle Ryan (BIONIC WOMAN)?

Melissa Stark (NBC news) or Kiran Chetry (CNN)?

Suzanne Pleshette or Mary Frann as Bob Newhart’s wife?

Tom Brady (PATRIOTS) or Peyton Manning (COLTS)?

Susan or Lynette or Bree or Gabrielle or Edie (DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES)?

Kristen or Summer or Julie or Marissa on THE OC?

Napoleon Solo or Illya Kuryakin (THE MAN FROM UNCLE)?

Bea Arthur or Betty White on GOLDEN GIRLS?

Ariel or Princess Jasmine?

Dylan or Kelly on BEVERLY HILLS 90210?

And finally….

Marcus Carl Franklin or Ben Whishaw or Heath Ledger or Christian Bale or Richard Gere or Cate Blanchett as Bob Dylan in I’M NOT HERE?

And now a word from our 250 sponsors

I know this sounds like one of my parodies but it’s legit. There’s a new TV show that is sixty minutes of nothing but commercials. It premiered on the ION network (whatever the hell that is) last Monday night. Firebrand, the production company making this show believes that kids LOVE commercials but they just don’t like them as interruptions in shows. So the solution: an hour straight of them.

Hey, it still has to be better than watching VIVA LAUGHLIN or DR. PHIL.

The idea is to make it seem like an MTV show. They even have CJ’s who will introduce the spots. Now this may seem like a revolutionary idea but it really isn’t.

A version of this was done in Los Angeles way back in the 50s. Lloyd Thaxton (a TV pioneer who rivaled Ernie Kovacs in inspired lunacy) got stuck with roughly the same assignment. Lloyd was kind enough to share the complete story. (I also invite you to check out his blog. It’s better than a Way-back machine.)
In 1959, KCOP started a drawing-for-prizes contest for small businesses, i.e., dry cleaners, gas stations, mom and pop grocery stores, etc. The merchants would pay to have a box put in their place of business and KCOP would promote the contest. For this fee merchants were also promised a 15-second commercial on KCOP.

It would be a voice-over slides commercial plugging their establishment. Lots of businesses signed up. As staff announcer, KCOP came to me to develop a show around this contest. In order to squeeze all the commercials in a one-hour a day show, each two-minutes break would have to have at least eight 15-seconds spots.

To make this happen, they had to interrupt the one-hour program for commercials every three minutes. Are you still with me?

Because a recording usually averaged about three minutes, we decided to do a TV DJ show called "Lloyd Thaxton's Record Shop." The problem, besides reading all of those commercials another problem, was what to do during the three minutes of SHOW TIME when the record was playing. That is when I came up with all those gimmicks of making the music visual (the beginning of music videos?), i.e., lip-synching, piano synching, finger people, animated album covers. Anything I could come up with to fill the three minutes between commercials.

I had guests on the show like Jerry Lewis and Stan Freberg but you couldn't interrupt an interview every three minutes. So, I would bunch up the commercials and sometimes their would be 16 spots all in a row (four minutes of commercials. It was all live. No breaks for the host. I loved it.

Who would watch such a stupid show? A guy reading boring commercials over boring slides every three minutes and then lip-syncing a record in-between. KCOP figured no one was watching at 11 AM, so they didn't really care. But I cared.

Surprise, surprise, the show slowly started getting an audience. It grew and grew. It was a nutty show, but guest artists not only enjoyed being on the show they were getting great exposure for what they were plugging (their albums, films, and single records). After three years, I added teen-agers to the mix, threw out all those commercials and the show became, "The Lloyd Thaxton Show." The rest, as they say, is TV history.

I wish I had tapes of Lloyd Thaxton's Record Shop. There was no tape then. Three years, five days a week, 52 weeks a year LIVE and all on one camera. We would go from a serious interview to my putting my lips through an album cover and syncing a song from my guest's new album. And then I would open my three-ring binder and start reading the commercials. I'm still asking, "who would watch a show like this?"

Uh...me.

ENCHANTED

Amy Adams deserves an Oscar for her work in ENCHANTED. I realize that’s a bigger fairy tale than an animated princess coming to life but her comic performance was so inspired that I’d vote for her over all the heart wrenching showy Kidman/Densch/Streep angstfests that will undoubtedly get nominated instead. This is the same Amy Adams who was nominated for an Academy Award for JUNEBUG and was fired off that brilliant CBS show, DR. VEGAS.

ENCHANTED follows an often-used formula – extreme fish out of water lands in New York. Other examples are SPLASH, ELF, and MIDNIGHT COWBOY.

But ENCHANTED turns out to be a really fun movie. I say that with a certain amount of surprise since this is the type of film I usually run from. And there are not too many guys who are going to say to their buddies, “Hey dudes, let’s go see ENCHANTED tonight.” But the movie is smart, funny, and a great send-up of all those classic Disney animated features that were so precious you wanted to buy a gun. And guys secretly want to bang the Little Mermaid so Amy Adams will certainly hold their interest.

The key to ENCHANTED is that everybody plays it straight, led by Amy. This is not a sketch. There’s no winking at the camera. Amy totally commits to this princess and that’s what makes her hilarious… and even believable. It’s the most fully realized two-dimensional character I’ve ever seen. And she can sing and dance!

Patrick Dempsey was handsome and likable and hopes his feature career takes off like Tom Hanks’ did with SPLASH.

James Marsden, Susan Sarandon, and the chipmunk also did yeoman work.

Screenwriter Bill Kelly didn’t miss a trick. There’s not a Disney cliché that isn’t spoofed other than killing Bambi’s mother (Oh. Sorry. SPOILER ALERT). It’s as if he’s saying, “Hey, you weren’t the only one who cringed at all this crap.” And the songs by Alan Menken & Stephen Schwartz are dead-on parodies of those horrible songs originally written by, well… Menken & Schwartz.

My favorite credit: Hag make-up effects: Rick Baker.

Disney will make a for-toon on this movie. Forget the boxoffice. There won’t be a thirteen-year-old girl in America who won’t own the DVD. And then there’s the inevitable TV series, Broadway production, and ice show. So Bob Iger will live happily ever after.

Meanwhile, ENCHANTED will transform Amy Adams into Hollywood Royalty. And even if she doesn't win an Oscar she's a shoo-in to cop a Golden Globe. But that's like saying she's not marrying the handsome prince but his valet instead.

Report from the front

First off, thanks to everybody for your nice comments on yesterday’s post. And great idea assembling a “Best of My Blog” collection for my second unsold book. It would have been a bigger hit than the first one if it had been published.

Back on the picket lines at 20th Century Fox. Another good turnout.

Everyone is walking much slower this week. Thanksgiving hit this union hard.

The toughest part at 20th is not the physical aspect of trudging miles in an endless circle. It’s having to look at that huge billboard for MR. MAGORIAN’S WONDER EMPORIUM. The movie’s a bomb! Take it down!

There’s an upbeat attitude now that formal talks have resumed. And rumors abound that we’re close to a settlement. Of course, there are also rumors that we’ll be on strike until June, and Ellen DeGeneres is going to have Michael Vick as a guest on her show.

I once asked my agent if a certain rumor was true and he said, “All rumors are true…eventually.”

One writer on line said to me, “Didn’t you quit the business and move?” Uh…no. But now I’m worried abut that “all rumors are true” theory.

At least it wasn’t my agent who asked me that question.

We hold up signs beckoning motorists to honk and when they do we’re the ones suffering the brunt of the loud harsh horn blasts. Inside the studio no one can hear them. Explain to me why this is a good idea?

We walk past this fountain, which is really torture because the nearest bathroom is at the Rancho Park golf course a half mile away. I usually finish my shift hopping on one foot.

A friend asked if I was going to be picketing NBC. I said no, I can't even get a meeting outside NBC.

Lots of talk on the line about what the Yankees are going to do during the winter. I suspect in the New York marches no one is speculating on the Dodgers next move.

Where are the agencies with snacks and drinks now that the camera crews are gone?

Didn’t see any stars out there either.

A food drive is taking place at all picketing locations. Food will be going to SOVA, a division of Jewish Family Services. SOVA serves the entire community – all races, religions, whatever. So the agencies weren’t there with snacks the one day they really would do some good.

Sell it, Sally.

UNION!!!

Two years ago today...

...I first began this blog.

When I decided to start one my daughter Annie was horrified. “Oh no! Another ‘I got up late this morning and brushed my teeth and flossed and then made myself some cereal” boring record of someone’s life.” I assured her I would never do that in this blog. Just her voicemail.

I would write penetrating, witty, sparkling articles on anything that interested me. Maybe offer some writing advice, tell a few war stories, review a movie or two, share some of the funny emails I had sent to friends in the past. And every so often I would succeed beautifully!

A fellow blogger suggested that to build an audience I should post at least three times a week. I figured, “Well why not everyday?” Compiling stories from a 30+ year career, and all that I’ve learned about the craft of writing, I should easily be able to post once a day…for two months.

The original objective was to increase my visibility in the hopes of getting a collection of humorous travelogues I emailed to friends published as a book. I had previously shown them to one editor who said “Very funny but no one knows who the fuck you are.” So I started a blog. So far that plan has been a giant bust. I can’t even get a book agent at the agency that represents me.

But my objective has changed. This blog has taken on a life of its own. Connecting with all of you – from all over the world (I still can’t understand why someone in Kuwait would give a shit about what I think of the Bionic Woman) has been an unexpected total joy. And then there’s the neat blog swag I’ve received. Some books, DVD’s, a few things I won’t specify because I plan on re-gifting them this holiday season, and the folks at Astroglide were so tickled I made a joke about their fine product they sent me an Astroglide mug. I’m keeping that. (Yeah, like I could give it to a woman.)

And amazingly, the two months have now turned into two years and I still haven’t run out of things to talk about. Between the strike, porn star karaoke, AMERICAN IDOL, award shows, THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB, baseball, tips on writing specs, Debra Messing, golden memories of AfterMASH, worst song competitions, shamelessly hyping my seminars and play readings, travel tips, channel surfing, lost scripts of CHEERS, Katie Couric, and miscellaneous opinions on anything (whether I’m informed or not) I’ve been able to keep posting on a daily basis. (It’s also very helpful that you suggest topics and questions for me.)

Some goals for this year: To meet more of you in person. To have a few of you break into the business and thank me when you win an Emmy. To get a whole set of Astroglide mugs.

Thanks to everybody for finding and sticking with this blog. Tell your friends… especially if your friends are book editors.

Onwards and sidewards.

Ken

p.s.

I know nobody reads the archives but if you’re curious, here was the very first post.

Levine's Laws

When I was broadcasting for the Mariners I came up with "Levine's Law". It is:

The lead-off walk will always come around to score, unless it doesn't.

So far I have never been proven wrong. These are the kinds of pearls I will be bringing to KABC radio in Los Angeles when I co-host a sportstalk show this Sunday night. (And yes, they stream. Here's their website.)

But just for you, my cherished blog audience, I share my other irrefutable laws.

******

Parking toll attendants at LAX are the slowest and dimmest people on the planet. They make postal clerk look like an Indy 500 pit crew. And the dimmest of the dim are working this weekend during the Thanksgiving rush.

There are more New York cab drivers who speak English than all the night nurses in all metropolitan hospitals combined.

There is not one mohel who doesn’t think he’s a comedian. There is not one mohel who is right.

The AMPTP will never give writers anything they're not absolutely forced to.

No pregnant woman looks good in a bikini.

If a waiter doesn’t write down your order he will get it wrong.

If you’re telling a joke in a restaurant the waiter will arrive and interrupt the minute you get to the punch line.

The driver in front of you is an idiot.

There will always be one young couple that brings a baby to a slasher movie.

A hostess in an empty restaurant will always lead you to the worst table.

If a restaurant patron has a walker or cane he will always be seated at the farthest table from the entrance.

In every article that mentions you, no matter how complimentary the article, there will always be one thing said or misquoted that will prevent you from Xeroxing and sending it to your family.

The heavier and more cumbersome your carry-on luggage, the farther your gate will be from the terminal.

When a hostess tells you it’ll only be five more minutes, they just have to clear off some tables – it’ll be twenty.

The minute you begin eating on an airplane, turbulence will begin.

When a couple from the mainland gets married in Hawaii the marriage is doomed. It's okay to honeymoon there, just not have the ceremony. Trust me, you have a much better change of survival if you tie the knot in an Elvis chapel.

Nine out of ten tourists at Disneyland are overweight. Ten out of ten if they stay two days.

The screw up because the hospital forgot to bill the correct insurer will never ever ever be resolved.

Women will always claim the number one thing they’re looking for in a man is a sense of humor and then pick the best looking guy.

On my sportstalk show, the first caller will have a question about something I know absolutely nothing about.

The story behind the CHEERS theme

Got a request for the full-length version of the CHEERS theme. There’s a great story behind it.

1981. Songwriter Gary Portnoy had just been fired as a staff writer from a major music publisher. His friend Judy Hart Angelo happened to meet a Broadway producer at dinner one night who needed a score written for a new musical he was producing. They decided to team up. Gary had never written for the theater, Judy had never written a song.

Somehow a tape of one of their demo songs found its way to Hollywood and the Charles Brothers. They thought it would be perfect for the theme of the new show they were developing, CHEERS.

But that’s not the song you know.

When the Broadway producer found out one of his songs was to be a TV theme he had a fit and legally blocked Paramount from using it. Crushed, Gary and Judy wrote new songs for CHEERS. But none of them connected the way the old one did.

Finally, after four or five rejected tunes they submitted “Where Everybody Knows Your Name” and that one struck a chord.

But even that’s not the song you know.

The original opening lyrics were changed to give it a more universal appeal. These are those original opening lines:

Singing the blues when the Red Sox lose
It’s a crisis in your life
On the run ‘cause all your girlfriends
Want to be your wife
And the laundry ticket’s in the wash

Once the song was written and approved there came the issue of who was going to sing it? Gary had sung the demo. There were those who wanted a big name and others who liked Gary’s rendition. With less than a month to go before the premiere it was decided that Gary would sing it and the arrangement would be simple just like the demo. Surprisingly, the Charles Brothers did not attend the recording session. We were all in the room writing one day when Glen Charles casually mentioned that they were doing the theme on one of the scoring stages. But their faith in Gary was rewarded.

The Portnoy-Angelo theme for CHEERS is one of the most memorable in TV history. Several weeks after the premiere Gary went back into the studio to record a full-length version of the song that actually made the pop charts.

Here’s that expanded version. To my knowledge it only aired on the show once, during the 200th episode.

Click To Play

WKRP in Cincinnati

First off: Please tell me you weren't one of those people who got up at 4 a.m. to attend the Mervyn's sale.

Now for today's post.

WKRP in Cincinnati was a moderate hit when it originally aired on CBS and for some reason became a huge hit when it went into syndication. It was created by Hugh Wilson who went on to direct POLICE ACADEMY and FIRST WIVES CLUB. We worked together on THE TONY RANDALL SHOW. I went on to direct ENCORE ENCORE.

I also knew Jan Smithers. We went to high school together although she was ahead of me. But I think I once drooled on her. In 1966 NEWSWEEK did a big feature article on "the teenagers" and Jan was on the cover (looking spectacular of course). Talk about a big celeb on campus. She was the star of Taft High. And at the time we had future Houston Astro Larry Dierker and a member of the Electric Prunes. There are rumors she's having some hard times. I know you join me in wishing her the best.

Now, as promised...

WKRP had a great theme song (back in the days when shows even had theme songs). Sung by Steve Carlisle, here is the hard-to-find full length version.

Click To Play