Our casting nightmare Part III

More on our snake-bitten CHARACTERS pilot for NBC in 1979.

Okay, we cast the girl. Maggie Roswell. But now we needed the guy who would be her comedy partner. Details of the pilot premise here.

As with the girl, we saw a bunch of guys – some incredibly talented – and Matriarch nixed them all. After she shit all over the screen tests she gave us the name of the couple she wanted. The actress was Ms. Broadway and the guy was an emerging LA actor. Did we like them? Her for sure. Him, it was hard to tell from his reel. But at that point we would have taken Trigger if he weren’t stuffed.

We fly Ms. Broadway out to LA, spend a delightful day trying to cajole her into doing our pilot. She was leaning against it but said she’d mull it over. Back to NY she flew to star in her Broadway play the next night.

We inquired about the guy. His agent said he wasn’t interested. He had just had a bad experience with a pilot and didn’t want to do a series at the moment.

We reported this back to Matriarch who screamed at us again. “You’re producers! Convince him! He’s the only one I’ll approve!” and again she slammed down the phone.

So we call the agent again and arrange a dinner with the actor. For four hours we reassure him that this pilot experience would not be like his previous one, that we are straight-shooter and he can trust us. Eventually, he gives in and says he’d do it – but only because we seemed to have the integrity the other producers lacked.

The next day business affairs and his agent begin negotiating the deal.

Meanwhile… Ms. Broadway is still on the fence. One of her concerns was who would her co-star be? Matriarch messengers over a tape of the actor. Ms. Broadway doesn’t like him.

So right in the middle of negotiations NBC pulls their approval and the deal is dead. To this day I am mortified. You live and learn. Today if that happened I call Matriarch and tell her she can take the pilot and shove it right up her ass. Either the actor is approved or we walk.

But then we were young and green. And stupid. A day later Ms. Broadway decides to pass.

So now we have neither.

Matriarch’s next choice is Jeff Altman. Nice guy, talented, but not right for this role. We pass. She slams down the phone again. Altman then gets cast in another NBC pilot that becomes PINK LADY AND JEFF. That show gets picked up instead of ours. A girl singing group from Japan (unknown to American audiences) that spoke broken English singing bad cover versions of Donny Osmond songs and doing comedy skits with Jeff Altman. It was a super train wreck (as opposed to SUPERTRAIN wreck, which was also picked up).

Finally, we catch a break. Philip Charles MacKenzie (pictured: above) walks into our office. He’s PERFECT. So perfect that even Matriarch has to approve him.

Does he look familiar CHEERS fans? Yep, he played the fiance in the Coach's daughter. Originally another actor played that role but didn't work out. I suggested Philip. He came in with only one day to rehearse and just nailed it. Philip is now a very successful director.

Two more roles to go. Stay tuned for more chapters.

By the way, three years after this pilot David and I sign on to produce the first season of CHEERS. At the first table reading NBC President Brandon Tartikoff takes us aside and says, “You know, you guys were right about Andrea Martin.”

We almost kissed him.

RABBI SCHLOMO RABINOWITZ: CRIME FIGHTER

People ask why don’t I branch out into hour television. I tell them I’m certainly open to the prospect but need just the right vehicle. And finally I’ve found it. Don’t steal this now. I’ll be pitching the major networks and NBC when I get home from Hawaii.

It’s a police drama inspired from an article I read recently in the New York Times. Apparently the police department in Helena, Montana, in an attempt to acquire a bomb sniffing dog discovered that instead of resorting to the huge cost of training one, they could just buy an Israeli bomb sniffing dog. They have a surplus over there (I mention it just in case you haven’t done your Christmas shopping). So a dog was shipped out to Helena, but they discovered one problem. It had been trained in Hebrew. It only answered to Hebrew commands. And even phonetically, Montana’s Finest had trouble getting across their wishes. Not many folks in Tel Aviv speak Hebrew with a drawl.

So they enlisted the help of one of the three rabbis in the town (who also happens to be Orthodox and dresses in traditional 18th Century clothing). He’s now their canine translator and has also been put on retainer.

And that’s my show, dear readers. RABBI SCHLOMO RABINOWITZ: CRIME FIGHTER. It’s like NUMB3RS but with a Hasidic Jew. Every week he’ll walk the mean streets of Helena with his trusty bomb sniffing dog, Farfel. Hopefully there won’t be any crimes on Friday night or Saturday because that’s the Sabbath. But all other times, he is an in-your-face, take-no-prisoners, bad-ass dude.

Gotta go. I need to prepare my pitch and check Alan Arkin’s availability.

RABBI SCHLOMO RABINOWITZ: CRIME FIGHTER – Fridays at 10 (no wait, it can’t be on Friday night) Thursdays at 10 on CBS.

The Hour of Not Quite Rain

Here's another excerpt from my book about growing up in the 60s. It's 1967, the summer of love in Los Angeles.

In the spirit of freedom and “do your own thing” KHJ radio devised an ingenious contest. Listeners were invited to send in original song lyrics and the winning entry would be put to music and appear on the next Buffalo Springfield album. Every hour the Bossjocks read another finalist. Ohmygod, they were terrible! Sophomoric, overwrought, just loaded with pungent imagery that made zero sense. The jocks would read them very straight over sappy music. I would roar with laughter every hour. But what do you expect? These were 13-year-olds composing this stuff. And many followed the current trend of trying to simulate the free association of a drug trip, which I suppose gave them license to abandon coherent thoughts and poetry in favor of Mad Libs.

Micki Callen was the winner with her haunting if not mystifying ballad, “The Hour of Not Quite Rain”.

In the hour of not quite rain
When the fog was fingertip high
The moon hung suspended
In a singular sky

Deeply and beyond seeing
Not wishing to intrude
Bathed in its own reflection
The water mirrored the moon

The tumbling birds have now sobered
From the leaves of their nursery
Like shadowy, quiet children
Watching sleepily

What???

She beat out 15,000 entries. Micki, if you're out there, I'd love to hear your story on this.

Anyway, here it is. Take some acid and click play.

The casting nightmare continues

Welcome back to hell. Yesterday I explained how we wanted Andrea Martin for the lead in our 1979 NBC pilot CHARACTERS and the network casting VP, "Matriarch" wanted Toni Tennille.

The pilot was greenlit in February, scheduled to film in April, and be in consideration for NBC’s fall line-up. But these casting impasses forced us to push back to October. The rippling effect of problems that caused will be the subject of another grisly chapter.

For these screen tests we had to hire a full crew, build make-shift sets, and have a DGA director direct it. The budget for our little show was hemorrhaging. The director we had hired for the pilot was busy directing something else the day of the test so we had to hire a different director, someone we had never met. He proved to be a charming guy and did a terrific job.

We wrote a new scene for the test. We didn’t want Matriarch to hate everybody just because she’s already not laughed at the scene thirty times.

We assembled twelve actors, put them in six teams and filmed the screen tests. It took all day.

Ultimately, this was a pointless exercise because Matriarch hated everybody. Andrea had no shot. A couple others were discarded because they looked too “ethnic” (read: Jewish).

Now what?

There was a Broadway actress Matriarch liked. We should get her. We saw her tape and liked her too. But she was the toast of Broadway and didn’t want to do a series. I don't blame her. That wasted a month.

Time was running out. We had seen practically everybody.

Begrudgingly, Matriarch said we could test the girl she hated the least and one that we wanted. We would meet at NBC at 4:00 Thursday in a rehearsal hall; each actress would audition and one of the two would be chosen.

The morning of the tests we get a call from Matriarch’s assistant. There will be another final candidate – this actress from New York. We had seen her in New York and hated her. But she was a friend of Woody Allen’s and had him call Matriarch on her behalf. Matriarch was all excited that Woody Allen called her personally so she agreed to fly her out from New York.

We were furious. There was no way we were going to do the show with this lox. She was TERRIBLE. But we had to at least go through the motions.

At 2:00 we get another call from Matriarch’s assistant. Matriarch will only be available for fifteen minutes so can only see two candidates, not three. Guess which one got bumped? Yep. Our candidate.

We go to NBC. Woody Allen’s actress reads first and is appallingly bad. Even Matriarch is stunned. Candidate number two, Maggie Roswell reads and does a lovely job. And following Woody’s trainwreck she was absolutely Lucy.

Since Maggie (pictured above) was one of the six we had approved we were thrilled to have her. (She even looked a little like our prototype -- Gilda Radner.) And she rewarded us by doing a great job on the pilot. Maggie later went on to do character voices for THE SIMPSONS for quite a few years.

And that's just one part. There were three others.

Stay tuned for more horror stories on the snake-bitten project called CHARACTERS.

Andrea Martin and Toni Tennille vie for the same role

This is sort of a follow-up to a post from last week when I mentioned that we wanted to cast Andrea Martin in a pilot and the network nixed it. They wanted Toni Tennille instead. This will be the first in a series of stories about this ill-fated project that I will sprinkle in over the next few weeks. I can’t write them all at once. I’ll have Viet Nam flashbacks.

Today I’ll just focus on casting.

The year was 1979. The project was called CHARACTERS. And the network was NBC (back when they were a network).

The premise was simple (at least initially). I had read a book called SOMETHING WONDERFUL RIGHT AWAY about the formation of the improv group SECOND CITY. From their original members came Mike Nichols & Elaine May. When the two of them did scenes together it was magic. Eventually they became a very successful comedy team for a number of years. My partner David and I thought a good idea for a series would be a contemporary Nichols & May – two young members of an improv troupe who team up. Since we believe that all good shows need a definite theme, ours was “can two people who are attracted to each other work together strictly as friends?” This was years before WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, by the way.

We pitched it to NBC. They liked it but wondered, what if she has a boyfriend? Then it could be kind of a triangle relationship. This was a little different than what we planned but okay. We were young and just wanted a sale. Here’s what we found out later: One of the big development honchos had just read SEMI-TOUGH, which had a triangle relationship in it. So the word went out – we want a SEMI-TOUGH. That’s how a football themed piece became an improv group piece.

We wrote the script and got the greenlight to make it. Now came casting. David and I had never done casting before. On MASH, executive producer Burt Metcalfe (himself a former actor and casting director) handled all of that. We had enough to worry about with what dress looked best on Klinger?

We met with head of casting for NBC – let’s just call her “Matriarch”. I think her first casting assignment was RICHARD III for Shakespeare. We told her our prototypes were Dan Aykroyd and Gilda Radner. From day one she hated us; I don’t know why. Maybe because we were then very young and inexperienced, maybe she just hated the project; I never found out. But she was not an ally.

We hired our MASH casting director, read a bunch of people, found ones we thought were good, and ran their names by Matriarch. She hated all of them. Unilaterally. The last thing she said to us was “Keep looking!” and slammed down the phone.

We decided to try our luck in New York, maybe find some new faces. In two days we read every actor and waiter in Manhattan.

Side note: Neither David nor I are big soap opera fans. These big soap opera stars would come in to read for us and just stand in the doorway as if to say, “Yep. That’s right. It’s me. In person.” We didn’t know who the fuck they were. This did not sit well with them.

Anyway, we found more worthy candidates and put them on tape, using just a black-and-white camcorder in the office. Nothing fancy. No real screen test.

The actress we were highest on was Andrea Martin. She came out of the Toronto chapter of SECOND CITY and currently was in SCTV (that brilliant sketch comedy show -- now available on DVD). We brought the tape back to Burbank and Matriarch just hated her. Loathed her. Wanted her killed. Matriarch also crushed us for bringing her black-and-white screen tests.

Finally, we asked who she saw in the role and she said Toni Tennille. After picking ourselves off the floor, we took NBC prez Brandon Tartikoff aside and said this is ridiculous. She's a marvelous singer but if we were doing a biopic on the Captain & Tennille there are still probably better actresses to play Toni than Toni Tennille. He agreed that was an odd choice.

We left it like this: we could fly some people out here and do real screen tests and then make our final decision.

Part two tomorrow: the screen tests and ultimate resolution.

What to get the person who has everything and is weird?

Here are a couple of fabulous Christmas gift ideas.

Tired of having to buy those $.49 rolls of toilet paper? Now for only $800 you can get a new state-of-the-art computerized toilet seat. With the push of a button on your handy remote, your caboose will get washed and dried while you remain seated in luxury on your heated toilet seat.

I’m not kidding.

It’s perfect for really lazy people or Captain Hook.

Developed in Japan (where else?), presenting the SWASH 800. And here’s my favorite feature: re the spray that shoots up to clean you, there’s a single “For Him” button that says “back” and “For Her” there are two buttons, one for “back” and the other for “front”. The dryer feature works for all.

Soon there will be a model for writers with a button labeled “agent”. Push that and smoke will come up your ass.

And for all you LOST IN SPACE fans, you can now purchase your own full size robot. The third season version (which we ALL know was the best!).

Here are some of the features it comes with:

Acrylic bubble based on the existing original.
- Laser cut steel brain with polished stainless steel top cover and crown.
- CNC machined light rod ends brain cup and neck bracket.
- Accurate acrylic collar & vents, hand formed based on the original jigs used.
- Torso based on the original stone molds.
- Welded steel torso hooks.
- Laser cut aluminum bezel with engraved acrylic chest buttons.
- Machined & clear anodized aluminum microphone with stainless steel screen.
- Actual Dialight sockets and Lens (not reproductions!)
- Hundreds of individual parts fabricated from Fiberglass, acrylic, aluminum, steel, etc.
- All metal tread sections, knee plates and hinges.
- Real rubber tread belts, knee bellows, leg bellows, arms & neck bellows.
- 32 machined aluminum wheels with v-groove.

And wait! There's MORE! Dick Tufeld, the original voice of the robot has recorded 500 tracks.

Again, this is not a joke. This item is really for sale. Here's the link.

And for how much you ask? A pittance! A mere $24,500. That’s right. Just $24,500. Why, it’s like they’re GIVING THEM AWAY.

The only thing is, check the small print. No single guy who purchases one of these authentic LOST IN SPACE full sized robots will ever get laid again.

“Danger, Norbert Schleppleman!”

Great Vin Scully calls

Vin Scully will be back in the booth calling Dodger baseball for the 61st season.

Thanks to Rob Adams here are some classic Vin Scully calls.

My favorite Dharma

There always seems to be a raging debate whenever I bring up Jenna Elfman. As you know, I'm a fan. Here's an example of why; an episode I directed her in. I think she's very funny, regardless of what whacko religion she believes in.

Of the DHARMA & GREGS I directed (helmed, megged), this is my favorite. A truly novel idea for a story. It was also fun going to San Francisco and filming the crowd scene. I had scaffolding and a hundred extras and sixty-two guys on walkie-talkies. Now THAT'S what I call directing!

Were there subplots on MASH you didn't know about?

Aloha from Hawaii. Taking a break from surfing those 100 foot waves to answer a Friday question or three.

From Charlotte:

I've been hearing this as a rumor for decades, that there was a C storyline written into every episode of M*A*S*H specifically so that it could be cleanly cut out to shorten the episodes for syndication without affecting the A and B storylines. People have been telling me my whole life, big a M*A*S*H fan as I am, that there are actually whole, complete storylines I've never seen because I've only ever watched the show in reruns. Is this true, Ken?

No. The shows were edited (a nice word for "hacked") for syndication but there were never pre-designed storylines for them to lift. So instead they just cut and trimmed whatever they wanted, sometimes leaving stories incomprehensible. If you're a MASH fan I suggest you watch the DVD's for the original versions. And a great new book is just out called "TV's MASH: THE ULTIMATE GUIDE BOOK" by Ed Solomonson & Mark O'Neill. It is 818 pages and has more stuff in there about MASH than anyone would ever want to know.

Mary Stella asks:

During last week's three hour commercial for Macy's and NBC, aka the parade, Al Roker interviewed several stars of NBC shows. One guy from a sitcom was markedly unfunny, even though he tried to be. When casting for a sitcom, do you try to find actors who are also naturally funny off-script or do you just need ones who can act with the comic timing, etc.?

Not all producers look for the same things but when I cast, first and foremost, I look for FUNNY people. Some people just have a natural gift or they have a funny look or voice or gait. The OFFICE and MODERN FAMILY are two perfectly cast shows in my estimation. Just looking at the cast photos you smile.

And I go for funny over good-looking. It’s amazing how much more attractive someone becomes if they can make you laugh. A great comparison of funny vs. attractiveness is the British and American versions of COUPLING. The U.K. cast is a little quirky, weird, goofy and brilliant. The U.S. cast was a J. Crew ad.

I don’t care if my cast members are good guests on talk shows. We’ll write them funny things to say. And if they want to go on THE VIEW, well, they can’t say I didn’t warn them.

blogward asks:

Today I will be attending a preliminary audition for Britain's Got Talent (my son signed me up). Do you have any suggestions for how to make the best impression on the 3rd AD who I will be trying to impress?

Wear a schlumpy house dress and sing “I Dreamed a Dream”. If that doesn’t work, sleep with somebody. Good luck. If you make it through let us know. I’d like to become the official blog of BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT.

From Rick Whelan

Whatever happened to your planned movie about the Brill building geniuses (like Ellie Greenwich)who wrote most of the rock 'n roll songs of the early 60s? I'd love to see their story told!

It wasn’t a movie. It was a planned musical. There had been several movies in development on the Brill Building but they never got off the ground. There was a 1996 film called GRACE OF MY HEART starring Illeana Douglas as sort of a Carole King character but that movie strayed from reality to the point where it could have been a western.

Having now co-written the book for a produced musical I see how incredibly hard it is to get one of these things mounted. Especially if you don’t have investors going in. Imagine writing a spec screenplay that would cost as much as AVATAR to produce. Good luck selling it. That’s how it is with a spec musical.

I’d still like to do the project one day. I have a rough outline and know just where the story is going. If someone out there has a few millions and is looking to be a Broadway producer, give me a call.

Okay, the Banzai Pipeline seems gnarly enough to surf. Gotta go. Leave your questions in the comments section. Mahalo.

Filming in Hawaii

Off to Hawaii where so many great television shows have been filmed. It’s not just BIG WAVE DAVE’S. There have been others. Speaking of “others”, LOST films there. They’re probably close to concluding the series. If I see a giant blinding light and suddenly I’m in 1945 I’ll know why.

But you forget how many great shows were filmed in America’s 50th state. I’m pretty sure HAWAII FIVE-O. And from the 50s, HAWAIIAN EYE.

But that’s just the tip of the tropical iceberg.

These other great shows went before the cameras in Hawaii:

AVERAGE JOE: HAWAII
THE NEW GIDGET
SURF GIRLS
BAYWATCH HAWAIIAN WEDDING
MOOLAH BEACH
BRITNEY IN HAWAII
JOHNNY TSUNAMI
TOO RICH: THE SECRET LIFE OF DORIS DUKES
CROWFOOT
LEGEND OF THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES
LAVA AND LIFE
TRENCHCOAT IN PARADISE
TARZAN IN MANHATTAN
ISLANDS OF THE FIRE GODDESS
THE WALLY AMOS HAPPINESS HOUR
WAR AND REMEMBRANCE
YUKI SAITO SPECIAL
MAUI JAIL BREAK
Oh yeah, and something called MAGNUM P.I.

When we did BIG WAVE DAVE’S in 1993 we did it as a multi-camera show on the Paramount lot. But the plan was, should the show become a big hit we would actually film it in Hawaii. I remember we had some preliminary discussions about what it would cost, converting a sound stage, building bleachers and sound and video booths, how many camera crews we would have to import, etc.

And then we realized, this is stupid! We’d still be inside, shooting on a dark sound stage. Who moves their entire production to Hawaii just to be filming indoors in a giant barn with no windows?

That would have been a colossal waste of money. Fortunately, CBS was looking out for us and cancelled the show before we could make such a faux pas. Thanks again, guys.

So now the Levine clan is off once again to Maui, where I can honestly say it is just as beautiful in real life as it is in HD.

Aloha.

The Tiger Woods Car Crash -- Taiwanese re-enactment.

There's Tiger's story and TMZ's story. You decide.

This is from a Taiwanese news show. It's pretty damn definitive if you ask me.

Stars I claim to have discovered even though I really didn't

Anyone who has been producing TV series for any length of time will have similar stories. They can look back at actors they worked with or hired that since became big names. Here are some of mine.

Shelley Long – played a nurse once in MASH when I was there. I don’t remember much except she looked very cute in army fatigues.

Rita Wilson – same thing. Also cute in army fatigues. Worked with her again when she starred in VOLUNTEERS. Amazingly, she remembered me. I looked awful in army fatigues.

Katey Segal – From one of Bette Midler’s Harlettes to a series regular on the MARY SHOW. We knew from day one that she’d become a star. And that’s without even hearing her sing.

Leah Remini – She played one of Carla’s many daughters on CHEERS. One of my favorite episodes (written by me and David) was “Loathe & Marriage” from the final season where Leah’s character gets married. I also directed her in FIRED UP. She was funny before she was even old enough to drive.

Tim Busfield – He’ll probably cringe but one of his first acting jobs was playing a patient on AfterMASH. Yes, it was, Tim, don't deny it.

James Cromwell – Okay, he wasn’t an unknown when I worked with him but he wasn’t on anyone’s A-List either. He was pretty much a character actor who bounced around. I knew him as Jamie then. We used him on an episode of MASH as a real goofball. Couldn’t quite tell from that role that he’d go on to be nominated for an Oscar. By the way, did you know he was in both BABE and THE BABE?

David Letterman – did a cameo on an OPEN ALL NIGHT we were involved with.

Maggie Lawson – You love her on PSYCH. I’ve loved her since writing and directing IT’S ALL RELATIVE.

David Ogden Stiers – Before he became Charles Winchester on MASH he was talk-show host Robert W. Cleaver on a TONY RANDALL SHOW David and I wrote. That was the episode that got huge laughs during rehearsal but silence during the filming. Later we learned that the bussed in audience spoke no English.

Annette O’Toole – had a small role on a TONY RANDALL SHOW. Tony didn’t like her at first. By show night he was pleading with us to bring her back. The English speaking audience loved her too although I must say she was beautiful in any language.

Lisa Kudrow – Did an episode of CHEERS. Very funny even in a small role. I was not surprised. She went to Taft High in Woodland Hills.

Sanaa Lathan – Directed her in LATELINE. I must’ve given her great notes on that three-page scene because she went on to become a movie queen. I went on to write a blog.

Willie Garson – Directed him in the stellar ASK HARRIET. When that show got cancelled he was free to take another assignment – SEX IN THE CITY. He’s now a regular on WHITE COLLAR.

Julie Benz – Another ASK HARRIET alum I directed. Currently she’s married to DEXTER. You can certainly understand the attraction considering she was also in SAW V.

Robert Pastorelli – Later to be a stalwart of MURPHY BROWN, but his greatest role was for us on the MARY show. He played sandwich guy, Mr. Yummy.

Jenna Elfmann – first cast in an ALMOST PERFECT as a whack-job secretary. She had no experience at the time and we knew it was a risk but there was something just so damn special about her. She killed in front of the audience. If ever there was someone I knew was going to make it besides Katey Segal it was Jenna.

And before I slap myself on the back too much for being such a great judge of talent, here are a few of the people I didn’t cast who once came in to read:

Martin Short, Kathy Bates, William H. Macy, Jane Lynch, Tea Leoni, Don Johnson, and Andrea Martin (although that was the network’s fault; we wanted her. They wanted Toni Tennille. Don't ask.),

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS meets MAD MEN

A holiday tradition is A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS and we pretty much have a Mad Man to thank for it. John Allen was a Don Draper at McCann-Erickson in the mid 60s. On behalf of Coca-Cola he was lobbying for Charlie Brown. It would be the first animated adaptation of Charles M. Schultz’s classic PEANUTS comic strip. But Allen had to really twist arms because in typical fashion, CBS hated it.

They thought the animation was awful, the story too thin and depressing, the jazz score inappropriate for kids, and of course wanted a laugh-track. I'm surprised they didn't require a laugh-track on THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

And CBS was especially opposed to Linus reciting the story of the birth of Christ from the Bible. What the hell is that doing in a Christmas Special?

Oh, and they didn’t like that children were doing the voices of the…uh, children. In other words, all the things that made it distinctive; all the things that made it great. One high-ranking CBS program executive/visionary said it was a “piece of shit”.

And CBS had a lot riding on this. It was going to pre-empt THE MUNSTERS and follow GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. The quality had to be top notch to join that pantheon of excellence.

But John Allen pushed and pushed and finally persuaded the reluctant program chief to air the special. A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS premiered 44 years ago this month.

And got a 50 share.

It won an Emmy and a Peabody and became an instant holiday classic. I guess children doing the voices of children did not result in a viewer revolt.

CBS began running the special every year (taking credit for it of course). And it achieved the almost unheard of feat of getting higher ratings year after year. By 1969 it was scoring a 53 share.

CBS continued to air the special until 2000. ABC then took over. It was supposed to air again Tuesday night -- digitally remastered -- but is being pre-empted by the President's speech. It will play later this month. CBS meanwhile, will still air its holiday special this evening -- THE VICTORIA SECRETS FASHION SHOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY CHARLIE BROWN.

And thanks to John Allen.

Does THUNDERBALL still hold up?

You know it’s the holiday season when there are James Bond marathons on every cable network except Oxygen. Caught one I hadn’t seen in years – THUNDERBALL from 1965. I saw it originally at Grauman’s Chinese Theater on the big BIG screen. I remember loving it at the time. From the stirring THUNDERBALL theme sung by Tom Jones I was hooked. So I wondered, did it hold up after all these years?

Well, the theme song sure does. And there’s no question that Sean Connery was the best Bond. There is just a level of insouciance in Connery’s Bond that none of his successors had – even light-comedy master Roger Moore never had that twinkle. Connery’s Bond enjoyed the gig, and why not? He sure got laid more than the later Bonds. Too bad it was in the 60s though and most of these women had helmet hair and raccoon make-up.

Note to PLAYBOY magazine: NEVER do another layout showing Bond girls as they are today. No one wants to see Octapussy as octogenarian.

The dialogue, which seemed so sparkling at the time, now comes off as cringeworthy.

Bond Girl: What sharp eyes you’ve got.
Bond: Wait til’ you get to my teeth.

Yikes! Since when did Bob Hope become a British Secret Agent?

And the sensibility was soooo sexist. Women were objects, easy, submissive, disposable, or evil. In the world of James Bond, Gloria Steinem is as much a super villain as Ernst Blowfeld.

The chief baddie in THUNDERBALL is Emilio Largo (these guys never have names like Mike or Skip) and you know he’s evil because he has a black patch over one eye. In typical Bond fashion, when he’s not trying to kill 007 he’s inviting him to lunch (women always refer to him as “James”, super villains call him “Mr. Bond”, M always uses “007”, and U.S. military officers call him “Jimbo”.). When I say they try to kill Bond, that of course means through some elaborate contraption only Wile E. Coyote would purchase instead of just taking out a gun and shooting his sorry ass.

As a kid I never let plot holes get in the way of a good James Bond yarn. I remember first seeing THUNDERBALL and having no idea what the hell was going on? Now someone is trying to kill him in his hotel room, now he’s taking pictures of a boat and dodging hand grenades, now he’s in a car chase and the evil Spectre woman blows up the car that’s trying to off him, now he eludes four gunmen during a big Junkanoo celebration and the next morning just strolls through town unnoticed, now he’s in a tuxedo, now he’s in an underwater battle, now he’s shot and the next day he’s completely healed. What the fuck??!!

A plane on a routine training mission has two atomic bombs on board and takes off from a NATO base conveniently located right next door to the health spa where James just happens to be staying at the time. The plane is hijacked and lands in the shallow water outside of Nassau. It can land in water without giant pieces splintering off? Really? There’s no radar to track this? And no one in Nassau sees or hears a fighter plane land in the ocean just off the coast? Now scuba divers move the bombs. On the side of one hydrogen bomb it says (and this is absolutely true, you can see for yourself) “handle like eggs”.

But I didn’t care.

Other minor story points didn’t bother me either like how do super villains amass large armies and trained scuba divers? How clueless are the British Intelligence and CIA that they have no knowledge of 200 henchmen being recruited? And where do all these people sleep? How do secret compounds with launch facilities large enough accommodate Gemini rockets get built incognito? If Spectre is a secret society why do their agents wear rings that have its logo?

These issues didn’t concern me then and they still don’t. In later movies he goes to the moon and shit and that crossed a line but a yacht carrying one of the atomic bombs crashes into the shore and explodes and doesn’t set off a nuclear explosion that wipes out three million people – sure, why quibble?

THUNDERBALL did hold up in the sense that it was still fun to watch and now because of all the cheese there were way more laughs then when I first saw it in 1965.

And now for an unexpected treat. I went to YouTube to see if it had the opening titles so I could play Tom Jones’ theme for you. And I discovered this – an alternate theme, written and performed by Johnny Cash. I guess no one told the Man in Black that THUNDERBALL wasn’t a Western. You won’t believe this.

First -- Tom Jones


And now put on your spurs. Johnny Cash.

Speed Dating for Writers

A question I’m always asked is “how do you find a writing partner?”. I met mine in the army but I sure don’t recommend that method. The WGA has come up with a nifty idea. Speed Dating. Just like the social version with the same success rate of getting laid. Every so often the Guild sponsors evenings for writers looking for that perfect scribe mate. I’ve never been to one of course, but I imagine you hear some pretty wacky responses. As a public service, so you don’t make these gaffes, here are few of the responses I would not want to hear. (I'm sure you can think of some more yourself.)

Dennis Miller is funny now. He never used to be but he is now.

We can work at my place. I live in Bakersfield.

Hey, hey, don’t touch my Naomi Watts photos! They’re not bothering you.

I can work anywhere any time. In fact, if you’ve got a couch I could crash on, that would be sweet.

If I could go back and work on any classic sitcom from the past, it would have to be MAMA’S FAMILY.

You would be…let’s see…my eighth partner.

I’m really good at editing. You pitch me ten ideas and I can tell you which is the good one.

It's nothing personal. I don't look anyone in the eye.

Do graphic comics count as books I’ve read?

Look, if you didn’t go to an Ivy school I don’t even know why we’re talking.

Everyone who’s read my script thought it wasn’t funny. That’s why I need a partner.

I do my best work between 2 and 4 A.M.

First things first -- who gets top billing?

Let’s work at my place. That way I can watch my twins. They just started walking!

You don’t remember? You slept with me at the Sundance retreat and never called me back, you shit!

I have a spec ELLEN I could show you.

This rubber band? Whenever I start feeling this building smoldering rage my shrink says play with this rubber band. Does it bother you?

There’s a British version of THE OFFICE?

You have beautiful hair. Can I touch it?

Do you have a cigarette?

How long have I fucking been writing? Fuck knows. But I guess it was, fuck, I dunno, some fucking time around the end of last fucking year or some shit.

The only thing is… I don’t drive.

I took Robert McKee’s class twice. So I kind of see myself as an expert on story.

Would you take my hands and join me in a prayer?

Okay, well…if you’re here and I’m here it’s pretty clear our partnership isn’t working.

My Thanksgiving Tradition... and tribute to Soupy Sales

This is believe it or not, a Levine Thanksgiving tradition. It began one year when we had too many desserts and I made the mistake of asking my wife what she wanted to do with the cream pie.

Soupy, this one's for you.

If you haven't read my left-overs, please check them out before they spoil. Thanks.

Holiday weekend left-overs

Our family table on Thanksgiving night…
Did anyone notice the Sears commercial on MODERN FAMILY this week? An African-American couple is standing before a store clerk and asking, “Is it Black Friday yet?” Between that and Fizbo the Clown on MF I had my two biggest laughs of the month.

Don't know about your town but here in mellow LA we had full-out brawls at two Wal Marts among shoppers on Black Friday.

HuffPost headline: “Mackenzie Phillips Uninvited From Family Thanksgiving” It’s that old “Your dad didn’t really sleep with you” argument that is so prevalent among families.

I know it’s tradition for the Detroit Lions to play on Thanksgiving but Jesus, they’re atrocious. Start a new tradition and have anyone else play?

The Lions’ old stadium, the Pontiac Dome, sold recently for $580,000. In L.A. you can’t buy a one-bedroom condo in Pacoima for that.

Remember when Al Roker used to interview the big NBC stars before the Macy’s Parade? This year he was hob knobbing with the winner of WORLD’S BIGGEST LOSER.

NBC wouldn’t let the cast of GLEE perform at the parade because they were “competition” and yet they showed the SpongeBob Square Pants balloon even though SpongeBob actually beat Jay Leno in the ratings one night last week.

How come Bullwinkle’s no longer in the parade?

I’ve received screeners of A SERIOUS MAN and 500 DAYS OF SUMMER. Both are GREAT movies that I’m sure I’ll vote for! And I’m not just saying that because I got screeners (hint hint studios).

Another thing to be thankful for: Earl Pomerantz's team of twenty cardiologists have cleared him for resuming his blog. New posts begin Monday. Welcome back, Earl!

How the mighty have fallen: The big UCLA-USC game is not even nationally televised.

OLD DOGS must be great!! Their newspaper ad quotes "CBS Dallas" liking it.

Typical Wednesday night scene: Mom in the kitchen preparing for Thanksgiving. Dad/hubby enters and asks what’s for dinner tonight? Mom: “Are you fucking kidding me? We’re going out!” The Cheesecake Factory probably had a two-hour wait.

My dad just got back from a Princess cruise to Hawaii. There was some excitement on route. A fishing boat was stranded and they were the closest ship. So they veered off course and rescued the two fishermen and two dogs. The next morning the gift shop was selling pictures of the rescue.

I wish I had known about MacKenzie Phillips. She could have had Thanksgiving dinner with us. Our family argument was over what was the best season of ONE DAY AT A TIME?

Hope you’re having a great Thanksgiving weekend.

Has anyone ever REALLY hated one of our scripts?

It’s Friday Question day – something to read on your cellphone while you stand in line at 5 A.M. waiting for Sears to open.

From Ref:

The cast of "The Office" consists in large part of many of the show's writers. Is this kind of doubling common? What would the chemistry be like between the writer/actors and those who just get paid to act?

It seems rather uncommon for sitcoms. On sketch shows like SNL writers often double as on-camera talent, a la Tina Fey and Senator Al Franken. If writers have supporting roles I don’t imagine there’s much resentment from the cast. It’s not like they’re taking big jobs away from working actors.

I actually think it improves the chemistry because writers learn first-hand just how difficult it is to be a good actor.

Doug DeRoo wonders:

"have either of you guys (me and my partner, David Isaacs) ever had an exec say, "this totally blows...get outta my office!" I seriously doubt it!!"

Uh, yeah... it happened. In a BIG way. When we had a development deal with Lorimar we once wrote a pilot for HBO back in their embryonic days. Our mandate was to write something very different from a traditional network sitcom, which we did. Lee Rich, the President of Lorimar hated it, called us into his office, and ripped us a new one. He hated it so much he wanted to get out of the development deal. But he didn’t hate it enough to pay us off the remainder of that deal so two days later we were his “boys” again.

By the way, it was a good pilot. We’ve written MUCH worse shit.

Quisp or Quake asks:

I loved Stephen Bach's Final Cut (about the making of Heaven's Gate); Lillian Ross's "Picture" and "The Devil's Candy," ("Bonfire of the Vanities."). Do you have any behind the scenes favorites?

Yes. INDECENT EXPOSURE by David McClintick. It’s the David Begelman story. Begelman was the President of Columbia pictures in the 70s and was forging checks as Cliff Robertson. It’s insane. We then did a rewrite on a project for him in the mid 80s and he wanted to pay us in television sets.

And finally, from Ed O.:

When a sitcom has an opening that is an isolated joke not always related to the main story, are these written separately at all? For example, on CHEERS, did you guys ever just sit around for an afternoon and write Norm jokes for when he walked in the bar? And then keep a notebook with 50 Norm jokes in it, and just pick one when you needed it?

That’s EXACTLY what we did. When there was time to kill we’d either sit around and try to bang out some teasers (that’s what we called those opening bits) or send off story editors to do that. Same with Norm entrances. But that was just to have things in the bank. When you got a script assignment on CHEERS you were required to write your own teaser.

Since teasers were independent of the stories that followed we also shuffled teasers from show to show to fit time needs. I remember once watching a show David and I had written and it opened with a teaser I had never seen before. It was kind of odd to be watching something for the first time that had my name attached as author.

What’s your question, besides what’s the warranty on that new Kenmore washing machine that’s on sale today only?

My Thanksgiving tradition: THE HONEYMOONERS

We all have our own cherished Thanksgiving traditions. Enjoying Grandma’s famous stuffing recipe (which oddly tastes a lot like Stove Top), the game of touch football on the lawn (they still talk about the year Uncle Ed’s stitches came loose), weird cousin Marla’s holiday decorations (festive paper turkeys with hatchets), everyone bringing their favorite dish, renewing the argument over whether cousin Marla should be hospitalized, etc. My fondest tradition was watching THE HOONEYMOONERS marathon on one of the local LA channels. The last few years it’s been discontinued but thanks to DVD’s, I now own all 39 classic episodes and can gleefully watch them again for the nine millionth time.

Produced in 1955 for one season only, THE HONEYMOONERS remains my favorite all-time sitcom. I don’t think there’s ever been a more inspired cast than Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, and Audrey Meadows. And Joyce Randolph was okay too.

I wonder what people in their 20’s would think of the show. Would it seem too retro? Would the black-and-white cause a disconnect? Would the comedy still hold up? I’d like to think it would. I’d like to think any generation would marvel at Art Carney demonstrating a golf swing, or Jackie Gleason learning to mambo.

If you’ve never seen THE HONEYMOONERS, or haven’t in a long time, I invite you to get the DVD collection and have your own Thanksgiving marathon. But JUST the classic 39 episodes. The collected sketches from Gleason’s variety show or the “lost episodes” don’t hold up. But those 39, for my money, are sitcom perfection. I’d be interested to hear what you think.

Some of my favorite episodes are:

The Golfer
Better Living Through TV
Oh, my Aching Back
The $99,000 Answer
Young at Heart
Unconventional Behavior
Hello, Mom

I bet as you read this I’m watching one of them right now.

Happy Thanksgiving!!