Network Interference at its Most Insane

If you think network interference in pilots is a recent thing, think again. My partner, David and I sold a pilot to ABC in 1980. It was centered around the White House press corps. This seemed an interesting area to us – the notion of people working closely together who were close friends but also rivals. We imagined a plethora of stories of reporters roaming the White House corridors, making friends with White House gardeners and maids, trying to out-scoop each other. We could have romantic rivals, eccentric grizzled reporters, eager newbies, etc.

We could also create this world of the administration. WEST WING long before WEST WING.

And we could include political humor, something that was non-existent in sitcoms at the time.

So the show would be edgy, smart, satiric, very contemporary.

That was our pitch and that’s what ABC loved and bought.

We went off to do research. Thanks to a friend who was a White House correspondent, we got temporary press credentials to join the corps.

What we learned was this: the reporters had NO access to the corridors of the White House. They could NOT just roam the hallways. They all had to stay together as one pack in the pressroom. All day long they just sat. They all got the same presidential itineraries, all received the same briefings. If there was a photo op they were all herded as one into the Oval Office, behind ropes, then told to return to their pressroom. Interaction with the President had to be formally requested and granted. You couldn't just happen to be next to him at the urinals.

When the president traveled so did the corps., but as one group. They flew together, were bussed together, and basically did exactly what they did at the White House – sit around and kill time. Wow!!!

This was maybe the least dynamic character comedy premise EVER. But that part wasn’t ABC’s fault; it was ours for pitching this idea without knowing what the hell we were talking about.

Still, we figured we could save it. Create fascinating characters and watch them interact with each other.  Good series are ultimately about relationships anyway.

Originally, we planned to have two young reporters who had a love/hate relationship. We changed that and made the woman the press secretary and the guy a brash new reporter who just got the White House beat.  And they had once had a thing together that ended badly.  Now you had the fun of the reporter needing this person who he had previously dumped. And there was still a little spark for both of them. There was mileage in that. (Here’s how long ago this was: our prototype for the young guy in our pilot was David Letterman.)

So we had interesting characters and we still had the unique arena of national politics.

Here’s where ABC stepped in. We were not allowed to be specific regarding the president. We couldn’t say whether he was a Republican or Democrat. Well, this was sort of a problem. How could we give him a point of view? Sorry. No party affiliation.

We also couldn’t give the president a NAME. Not even a fictitious one. We couldn’t call him President Smith. They thought even a name was too political.

We weren’t allowed to debate issues. So what was anybody going to talk about?  Does anyone know a good barber?

Imagine a lawyer show where no one was allowed to mention the law. It was madness! ABC was concerned our show would be too controversial. President SMITH was too controversial?

Why the fuck did they buy this???

It gets worse.

Our pilot story revolved around one reporter getting to do a one-on-one interview with the president. Which reporter will it be? We decided to go with this story because, well… it’s the ONLY story this premise allowed for.

The last scene was our brash reporter interviewing the president. We artfully avoided issue questions. Note from ABC: We are not allowed to SHOW the president. We can hear him voice over, but actually seeing him is too specific.

But if you ever go to the White House you’ll notice that there photos of the president EVERYWHERE. Same for most government agencies but certainly in the building where he lives. We couldn’t use an identifiable actor’s picture of course, so my solution was a photo of my dad. My father looks very presidential. He has often been mistaken for Sam Wanamaker or Ted Baxter.  Nope. ABC wouldn’t allow it. No pictures, not even of a person no one in America knows.

We dutifully turned in the second draft -- which ultimately was 45 pages of absolutely nothing -- and to our great relief, it was STILL too incendiary. ABC passed. Shucks! Today we’d be able to say we once did a David Letterman failed pilot. Unless they said we couldn’t actually show the reporter, which in retrospect, was highly likely.

But ABC did say they loved working with us and implored us to bring our next idea to them first. Would it surprise you to learn we didn’t?

All of a sudden the notes you pilot writers got today from ABC don't sound too bad, do they?  Good luck to everyone currently in development.

Tomorrow:  A blog experiment.  A new feature.  

Lost in Translation

I was directing a show for ABC called BROTHERS KEEPER in the late 90s. During rehearsals sometimes tours would come in, sit in the bleachers for ten minutes, get incredibly bored, and leave.

On this particular day I was blocking a scene where Billy Ragsdale (who played the dad) was scolding his eight-year-old son (played by Justin Cooper) for something he had done (lost his homework, killed someone, I forget). Since Justin was required to spend so many hours a day in school we would rehearse with a fifty-year-old stand-in who let’s just say was only Justin’s height.

A group of Japanese tourists came in and sat down in the bleachers. None of them could speak English. What they saw was this:

Me, making a guy in his 30’s scold a middle-aged dwarf to such a degree that the dwarf breaks down crying and runs from the set.

They were appalled! Outraged! As one, they got up and marched out, glaring at me and calling me things that did not need any translation.

Needless to say I have not been invited to direct any Japanese sitcoms. And I don’t think Billy Ragsdale has had too many offers to appear over there either.

And from my friend Dave Hackel comes this experience. (Among his many credits, Dave was the creator of BECKER and longtime showrunner of WINGS.)

The show was in good shape. Laughs were there. Actors were on the money. But after each joke -- nothing. Then fifteen seconds later, a titter. The writers were thrown off. The actors were thrown off. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Then I turned around and saw the man signing our show to a large group of deaf people.
The amazing thing is that every writer who has worked on a multi-camera show seems to have at least one story like this. It's why we all have facial tics.

The late brilliant comedian Mitch Hedberg said it best: "Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

Rare Footage: Clint Eastwood getting the crap beaten out of him

Compliments of my Sitcom Room partner, Dan O'Day. Here's something you don't see every day -- someone beating the living shit out of Clint Eastwood. But James Garner, as the nattily dressed Maverick does just that. I imagine Clint said, "I don't care where you hit me, just don't touch the hair."

Friday Questions

Some Friday Questions coming attcha. What’s yours?

Anonymous starts us off. (Please leave a name. Thank you.)

I've always wondered about the scenes filmed to be part of a musical montage. Knowing the dialogue will never be heard, are the actors actually speaking scripted lines, or are they just improvising? Or are all the scenes shot with dialogue, and the scenes for the montage chosen later?

Sometimes scenes with dialogue will be compressed into a montage for time purposes, but if a montage was the original objective then no, specific dialogue is not written. Actors are asked to improvise or just move their lips (which in some cases is the same thing).

There’s a great Hollywood story (which of course may be apocryphal) about the filming of the movie HEAVEN CAN WAIT in the late ‘70s. It starred Warren Beatty and Julie Christie. Apparently he had a brief fling with her during filming which ended badly. They then had to do this scene where they walked together in one longshot. In the scene they’re starting to falling in love so the body language is romantic and intimate. You figure they’re cooing sweet nothings to each other. But no dialogue was to be heard – just walking arm-in-arm with music over.

So the cooing that you didn’t hear was Julie Christie ripping him a new asshole, MF’ing him up one side and down the other.

After one take Beatty said to co-director, Buck Henry that was enough. He wasn’t going to re-shoot it.


GM has a question, which relates the post I did earlier in the week about network presidents bemoaning the state of the industry.

Do the British have it right? Lots of 3, 6 and 13-episode seasons where the writers get their best out and then have nine months to think up new episodes. I'm really enjoying the shorter season series on a lot of cable networks more than the often padded attempts at 22 on the traditional networks.

That model doesn’t work over here. U.S. audiences are used to more than six episodes. (At one time series churned out 39 episodes every year.  I'm exhausted just writing that.)

As for the networks, it’s hard enough for them to get people to tune in to shows now, much less asking viewers to try something else every two months.

The truth is it’s hard to build a following when you only have a limited number of episodes. The audience sometimes needs time to find certain shows (they’ve heard good things, etc.). For someone to discover s show and then it’s gone two weeks later defeats the purpose.

Also, the real payoff for American sitcoms is syndication sales. And for that to be meaningful, they need at least 100 episodes. It would take an English hit comedy a dozen years or so to accumulate that.


Harkaway has a question about what happens after a U.S. broadcast network cancels a show that is still in production?

These days in the UK we sometimes see series with episodes that never aired before due to cancellation in the US. Those episodes may also be used on a DVD, or now, streaming.

How do you maintain morale then?

Once a show is canceled in the US production generally stops. If they’re in the middle of filming an episode they will usually complete production of that show, but then that’s it.

Morale is usually horrible. Either everyone is in tears or they can’t wait for the damn week to be over. I myself, have directed several last episodes of series and it’s an ordeal. Try staging a comedy when everyone is crying.

And finally, this from birdie:

Why would a show like THE ODD COUPLE that not do well in the ratings when on the air, do huge business in syndication? Where were all of those viewers during the original run?

That’s what the producers want to know. Some series benefit greatly from syndication and airing every day instead of just once a week. WINGS and BECKER are two other great examples. Maybe in primetime they were up against real popular shows so didn’t get the sampling they deserved. Or the network moved them so often no one even knew they were on.

All three of those shows deserved better recognition during their first-run years. I can’t tell you how many people come up to me and say how much they love BECKER. They discovered it only recently. And they’re floored when I tell them it was originally on CBS for five whole years.

So going back to an earlier question, if a series can’t make an impression with a hundred episodes, how do you expect one to do it in six?

My Worst Movie Meeting

Anyone who’s been in the business for more than eleven minutes has twelve stories of disastrous meetings. My partner, David and I have had more than our share. But our worst is worthy of an I LOVE LUCY episode.

This was a number of years ago. VOLUNTEERS and MANNEQUIN had been made. JEWEL OF THE NILE (which we rewrote – uncredited) was going into production. So for the moment we had a viable feature career.

Our agent arranged a general meeting with an executive from 20th Century Fox, Dylan Sellers. These are generally just meet and greet affairs. You want to be on their radar. It’s fairly hard to screw up these meetings. They just want to be sure you’re not too weird. So if you show up on time, are dressed nicely, and can carry on a breezy conversation for a half hour without revealing that you collect tonsils or God talks to you through hidden messages delivered by Mr. Rogers you’re pretty much in.   Often they have a project in mind and if you don't scare them they offer you the assignment. 

Our meeting was set for the end of the day, around 5:30. At the time, we had an office on the Paramount lot in Hollywood and drove across town to 20th. Traffic was bad (duh) and we just arrived on time. Punctuality is important with these meetings. It gives the studio executive an idea of how responsible you are. If you can’t show up on time for a meeting, how can they count on you to turn in the first draft when you promise?

David was driving. I opened the passenger’s door, climbed out of the car, and the seat of my pants ripped right up the butt crack. We’ll dispense with the fat jokes for now because I had a much bigger problem. How was I going to take a meeting with my underwear hanging out?

There was no time to postpone the meeting. I lived way too far to race home and change. We decided to just take our chances. I know. This is like right out of THREE’S COMPANY.

We walked into Mr. Sellers’ outer office with David right behind me. We tried to look nonchalant but I’m sure in some states we were close enough for sodomy charges. The assistant told us Mr. Sellers would only be a couple of minutes and take a seat. We sat on the couch. I tried to grab a copy of Variety that was on the coffee table and as I leaned in I heard the rip get a little longer. I froze immediately.

A few minutes later Mr. Sellers was ready to see us. Instead of just cutting across the room to the door to his office I sort of hugged the walls. The assistant looked at me funny. We entered his office and again I walked laterally along the wall, trying to appear natural.

Dylan Sellers came around from behind his desk, shook our hands, and invited us to take a seat on the couch. Which we did. It was an overstuffed couch, the kind you really disappear into.

He sat in a chair across from us and the meeting began. I sat there with a big smile plastered to my face. Fortunately, David did most of the talking. I just nodded like a bobblehead. I don’t think I heard a thing Mr. Sellers was saying. All I could think was, “How the fuck am I going to get out of this giant couch?”

At one point, the conversation turned to cars. Mr. Sellers was very proud of the new one he had just purchased. It was parked right outside and he invited us to come to the window to have a look.

Shit!

I struggled to my feet, felt a little more rip. Pretty soon the pants were going to just fall off. That would make a great impression. I casually hugged the walls, moving towards the window. David hopped in right behind me so that when Mr. Sellers was behind him he (hopefully) couldn’t see my now-officially fat ass.

It was back to the couch. Was he starting to sense something was weird? Most people turn and walk to a couch. They don’t backpedal.

More charming chit-chat for about fifteen minutes and that was it. Again, I had to hoist myself out of couchzilla. The ripping sound could have been mistaken for a fart but that’s hardly better. We shook hands, said goodbye, I hugged the wall all the way out the room then bolted.

Our agent followed up with him the next day. He said the meeting went well. He liked us but thought we were a little reserved. Worried that our sensibilities were a little too sophisticated for the project he had in mind. It was a very broad comedy. Lots of slapstick. Humiliating situations. That just didn’t seem like us.

Talk about taking one in the shorts.

Network Execs admit the system isn't working

Network chiefs gathered yesterday for the annual Hollywood Radio & Television Society luncheon. No, I was not invited. From what I hear there was the usual company line about how healthy and vibrant the TV industry is. I wonder if anyone from the CW was there. But there were a couple of points worth mentioning.

Remember last month I did a post about how this pilot season was getting out of control with all the insane bidding wars and feeding frenzy for so-called hot projects? Here’s that article. Well, the network heads acknowledged that, but basically put the blame on the increased media coverage. Nowadays, if even a pilot script is ordered it warrants a blurb on Nikki Finke’s site or a mention in one of the trades. In the past, that was a complete non-story. Networks commissioned scripts everyday. Imagine the Los Angeles Times running a headline story every time Cal Worthington Ford sold a used Taurus.

But in this age of instant information, script deals are now news – as is which mega mogul owns the most land (Liberty Media’s John Malone, if you care)?  One network executive said, “Every single thing that happens is now being reported, from a pitch to speculation on the terms of a deal, and that does absolutely impact the business.” while another network executive added, “I get the email about a media inquiry while the producer is still in the parking lot. That adds to the frenzy.”

Let me ask a question, and this is probably why I wasn’t invited – Don’t you get into bidding wars based on the ideas themselves? Why would you let the media play you?   So now you’re stuck with all these projects that you’ve given production commitments to and you’re saying you kind of got bamboozled into them? Just wait until January when all these scripts-with-steep-penalties-attached come in.  I have a feeling you’ll really be cursing Nikki Finke then.

Kevin Reilly of Fox (who I really like and that’s after he killed a pilot of ours while at NBC) took the floor and was the most outspoken. He admitted that the current model of developing shows is flawed at best. “We’ve programmed those things and they’re usually hideous” was how he put it.

He also lashed out at the antiquated methods ratings were still based on. “I’m not going to fight the windmill of Nielsen, but we do need to keep them honest,” he said. “The fact that we still have people filling out diaries in their living rooms is insane.”

He couldn’t be more right, although he has more to benefit from that outmoded system than anyone else. When the idiots who can’t read or spell fill out their diaries by just scrawling a big X I’m sure Simon Cowell’s show gets credit for another family.

Something else Reilly said which really makes sense: He was discussing the current cycle of network development (scripts assigned in the fall, 80 pilots all filmed in March and April, the fall schedule announced in May, and the top new shows premiere in September). “The fact that we are in lockstep and choreographed from the same dance backing up from the upfront is stupid, highly inefficient, wasteful and not good for anyone in this room,” Reilly said. “Penalties become irrelevant and things can’t be done well if there’s bottleneck. When you watch the vast pile of product at the end of the season, a big majority of it is embarrassing. Creative is difficult, but there are also a lot inefficiencies we can get rid of.”

I would have stood up and cheered (if I had been invited, which of course I wasn’t).

What he says makes perfect sense. But here’s the thing: who’s going to blink first? Which network is going to break that cycle? They all want the upfront money so they can go to their stockholders and boast about all the advertising dollars they’ve taken in months before their new shows even air. Which network is going to step back and give up their piece of that pie?

Whoever does might ultimately assemble the best shows and reap the dividends in spades.

But really, who are we kidding?

When we see by the bidding wars that the networks are so afraid to let each other get a tiny edge that they way overpay for projects written by screenwriters and actors with no TV pilot experience, good luck expecting any of them to make a move any bolder and forward-thinking than redeveloping BEWITCHED (which one of them is actually doing). 

To be continued:  at next year's luncheon.

My pitch for MONEYBALL

SPOILER ALERT:  I tell what really happened, not just what happened in the movie. 

I loved MONEYBALL, but not for the reasons you think. Yes, it’s a baseball movie and contained the usual crackling dialogue from Aaron Sorkin (Steve Zaillian is also credited but a lot of that snappy patter is way more WEST WING than SCHINDLER’S LIST), and Michael Bay didn’t direct it.

There are terrific performances (it’s always weird for me to see Hollywood movie stars playing people I actually know), a lovely tone, and thrilling play-by-play calls by the late Bill King (who I hope is inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame next year). But what I appreciated most was what a fantastic adaptation the movie was. Not the adaptation from the book, MONEYBALL by Michael Lewis (although props for making non-visual material come to life and be dramatic), the adaptation of real-life events to justify the story they wanted to tell. There are things they forgot to mention. There are events that never occurred. This is called “creative license” and if I were writing this screenplay I would have done the exact same things they did (although not as well).

All movies “based on a true story” take creative license. “Real life” doesn’t boil down neatly into two entertaining hours. But the audience usually isn’t aware of the details of the real story. I didn’t know any of the particulars of SOCIAL NETWORK – who was in what meeting, who was suing who for what, or how do you attach pictures to your status updates on Facebook?

But the 2002 Oakland A’s season is a matter of public record. We know how many games they won or lost. We know how long their winning streak was. We know they were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. We know Billy Beane didn’t take the job as General Manager of the Red Sox. Yet Sorkin and Zaillian managed to bend the tale so artfully that they were able to tell the story they wanted to tell and more impressively – hold our interest dramatically even though there is no real suspense. That’s screenwriting, kids!

Some examples:

The movie would have you believe the Oakland A's won all these games based solely on the Moneyball principles. Those principles were a key factor, but there were others that were conveniently omitted. Like the fact that the A’s had the best starting rotation in baseball that year. You win on pitching and Oakland had Tim Hudson, Mark Mulder, and Barry Zito. Zito won the Cy Young Award (best pitcher in the American League). I don’t think his name was mentioned once. That’s like if someone does a movie on the success of MAD MEN and never mentions Jon Hamm.

The A’s shortstop, Miguel Tejada won the Most Valuable Player award that season. He was mentioned in MONEYBALL but only in passing. So to return to the MAD MEN analogy – no Jon Hamm and just a fleeting reference to Elisabeth Moss.

But again, I would have done the same thing. And I don’t think those omissions made the movie any less legitimate. Why? Because it was Billy Beane who found those pitchers and other great players. So maybe “why they won” was skewed but the fact that “they did win” was true and he was responsible. It’s not like he’s the new General Manager who comes sweeping into town with all these revolutionary ideas and the team suddenly wins. All of the players on the field would have been signed by the previous GM. That movie would be completely bogus. This one wasn’t.

Trades are very much in the public eye. They’re debated among fans for years. I'm still pissed the Dodgers traded Sid Fernandez for Bob Bailor.  The movie suggests Beane was pissed that the manager, Art Howe was playing Carlos Pena instead of the player he wanted. So he got on the phone and in two minutes traded Pena. Uh, no. Actually Pena was part of a complex three team trade with the Tigers and Yankees and was actually just the “player to be named later” part of that deal. (That’s the trade that sent Jeff Weaver to New York, Yankee fans.) And it was in the middle of the season when the A’s were already winning.

In real life, Billy Beane so controlled his manager that he told him where to stand in the dugout during games. This is all in the book.

Still, none of that detracts from the film’s narrative. Pena was traded. Just not how they said. What an exciting ten minute sequence that would have been watching Billy Beane on the phone to the Yankees and Tigers, names being thrown out and rejected. Questions about everyone’s contracts. Health reports faxed back and forth. Oh, and the little matter of needing approval from Major League Baseball before any trade can become finalized. Yeah, that would have been riveting filmmaking.

So what’s MONEYBALL really about? The studio is saying it’s not really about baseball. Bullshit. It’s all about baseball (but you don't need to like baseball to enjoy this film). Others say it’s about the underdog and beating the system. It is, certainly on the surface. But for me this is a movie about the art of storytelling. And in that department, MONEYBALL wins the pennant. Or at least gets into the playoffs. And does better than the Oakland A's did.

What's it like to be on a show in trouble

Now that the fall season is beginning to settle in and we’re starting to get a sense of the winners and losers, here’s what it’s like behind-the-scenes if you’re on one of those shows in trouble.

This is from a showrunner’s perspective on a comedy. The actors have their own hell.

Back in May everything was lollipops and roses. Announcement parties in New York.. Congratulatory emails and texts from friends and bitterly jealous colleagues. Tickets to Broadway shows… and good ones. Not CHICAGO now starring the Progressive Insurance girl.

The summer is filled with interviews and pre-production. The cast arrives in early August and there’s that blessed seven week window when you make your first batch of shows under the radar. Sure there are the network and studio notes and there’s always at least one cast member who is high maintenance as he or she tries to lock into their character, but for the most part it’s a pleasant experience.

You will know if your show is in trouble before the actors. You’ll discover that it’s harder to break stories than it should be. The flaws in the premise will become apparent. I co-wrote an episode of a new show once and it took two full days working with the producers to come up with a notion. This was for episode three. That show was dead in the water.

Once you see footage you also start to learn the weaknesses of your cast. This can be particularly alarming if the weak links were all people the network foisted upon you.

Still, everything is relatively calm.

Then the reviews come out. If they’re bad, or even mixed, get prepared to go down to the stage and talk your cast off the ledge. And watch. One bad review. Just one. And suddenly the actors stop trusting you.

Now they start questioning things. Every thing. You’re somewhat under siege.

And what will be particularly galling is that you agree with a lot of the criticism in the reviews. You only went in that direction or hired that lox because you were forced to. And yet, you can’t say that. You take the bullet. That’s part of the job. Suck it up.

Then the show premieres. And tanks. Now the actors go nuts. After all, it’s their faces up there. They consider bad ratings a personal rejection – by thirty million people. You can understand their distress. And if your show features a big-name star, you’re really in the eighth ring of Hell. You go down to the stage and do your best to reassure them. Good luck.

Now you get “the calls”. Calls from the actors wanting to come to the office to talk about their characters. Calls from the managers and agents for the actors claiming you’re not servicing their clients.  At least one cast member will cry in your office.  Hope it's an actress.

The network and studio descend upon you like locusts. If you thought you got notes before, just wait. Now it’s a constant barrage of mandatory suggestions. Everything is questioned. Hair color. Props. Fire this actor. Throw out this story arc. Forget of course that they approved every cast member and they approved every story notion, and outline, and shooting script. But it’s up to you to FIX IT!!

At this point forget about ever seeing your family. You’re working fifteen hour days, seven days a week. Scripts are thrown out. There’s a level of tension on the stage you can cut with a knife. You go down for a runthrough and the cast looks at you like you just killed their puppy. Everything is second-guessed.

The show’s ratings for week two or three are not much better. There’s a lot of rationalizing. We were hurt by the baseball playoffs. We have a bad time slot. We didn’t get enough promos. They didn’t air us in Salt Lake City. We’ll come way up after the DVR viewers are counted. We’re up .02 in women 25-34. We held 62% of our lead-in and even though that’s not great, the show that was on last year kept only 59%. We tested so well.

But in your heart you know.

So now you’re killing yourself, no one’s happy, and in all likelihood you know that the episode you’re currently working so hard on will never see the flickering light of television. All the while, the star is calling you at home, one of your best writers quits, you’ve put on ten pounds, and you come down with pneumonia. Couldn’t possibly be stress related. You don’t dare go on line because you know in chat rooms and blogs your show is just getting crushed.

Finally, you get that call from the network putting you out of your misery. You say all the right things, “Aw, shucks. We really thought we had turned the corner creatively. This is really devastating.” But you hang up the phone and cheer. A two-ton weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And just like that it’s over. You’re free. The phones stop.  It’s quiet.  Blessed quiet.

Yes, you’re disappointed, have feelings of guilt and remorse, but that’s what scotch is for. And you’ll be able to start drinking that scotch in the afternoon! Because you’re free!

And those writers who texted congratulation when your show got picked up, will text you congratulations again.

No, it's not winning an award.  But it is the next best thing.

The Romantic Comedy I Always Wanted to Write

This is my idea for a romantic comedy screenplay.  It's registered so don't steal it...

You know the old third act convention -- GIRL goes off to the airport to fly away for good, to marry Ralph Bellamy and ruin her life. GUY realizes he loves GIRL and rushes to the airport. Start the clock! He’s driving like a madman. She’s leisurely strolling to her gate. In the time it takes her to walk twenty yards he drives twenty miles but that’s okay, he’s on “Jack Bauer” time. He parks right in front of the terminal. Races in. She’s at the ticket counter with two people in front of her. He’s leaping over people like OJ. Just as she’s about to enter the jetway he arrives. They embrace, declare their undying love. The end.

My movie would start with GUY realizing he loves GIRL and heading off to the airport. She’s looking at the TV monitors trying to figure out which of the many concourses her gate is at.

He is stuck in terrible traffic.

She is wondering where the fuck is K-26 and how come the direction arrows say concourses A,C,G are one way, B,K, H, D another, E still a third and why there’s no F?

He’s now approaching the airport. There’s construction blocking two lanes. This is the weekend they’ve decided to repave the main thoroughfare. And just for fun, they’re backing in a cement mixer so all traffic is held.

GIRL’S flight has been delayed. It says only 15 minutes but how can that be when the plane isn’t even there yet? Could the major airline be lying???

GUY’S car is inspected after waiting at a checkpoint. The Hummer before him with a gun rack got waved right through. He’s asked to open his Kia trunk.

GIRL realizes if she wants to eat anything on the long fight she needs to buy it. So she gets in long line at the CHILI’S TOO take out stand.

He can’t leave his car unoccupied at the terminal. Only people allowed to get really close to the terminal in these terrorist prevention times are cab drivers, none of whom have first names shorter than 38 letters. GUY has to find a space in one of the parking structures. There are none.

The woman in line ahead of GIRL is asking questions about the chicken pesto wrap? Is it white meat? When was it made? The girl at the counter doesn’t speak English.

GUY parks in a handi-cap zone. Fuck it. He races for the terminal. The parking structure elevator is out of order.

GIRL begins her two mile trek to her gate.

GUY can’t get past security unless he has a ticket. He races to the ticket counter.

Oops. Gates K20-26 are in a different concourse than gates K1-25.

To avoid the long line, GUY goes to First Class desk. There are still three people ahead of him. No biggie except there is only one agent serving First Class passengers. The other line moves faster.

GIRL wanders through the maze of concourses.

GUY reaches the ticket agent. Is given flack for being in the first class line. He’ll buy a first class ticket for GIRL’S flight. Sorry. Sold out. There are no more seats on any flight to her destination. He’ll buy a ticket for ANY flight going anywhere. There’s room on the Tokyo red eye. He’ll take it. First Class only. Shit! He waits as she gets approval for his card. It’s denied. He gives her another card.

GIRL reaches her gate. Flight still delayed. Why? One rep says bad weather. Another says equipment problems. Could the major airline be lying???

Now that GUY has spent his grandmother’s inheritance on a flight he doesn’t intend to take he races to security. Another long line. People are practically stripping down to their underwear.

GIRL’S flight finally arrives. They have trouble getting the jetway to the plane. It’ll only be another few minutes. Scheduled time for her flight was ten minutes ago although the airline maintains that time still stands.

Because he’s flying one-way he’s singled out for extensive examination. He has no luggage, which is mighty suspicious. He could be hiding something. What, he wonders, if he has nothing to hide it in?

GIRL stands in long line at ticket counter.

GUY’S car is towed.

GUY is asked a series of questions. The thought here is that terrorists who would think nothing of blowing up a jumbo jet with 200 people aboard would not tell a fib to a TSA agent.

GIRL reaches the ticket agent and learns her seat is double-booked. This is the new airline policy. They fear that businessmen who book reservations cancel thereby leaving empty seats. So the policy is to double book. The solution is not just put people on stand-by for the few vacant seats. No, it’s to inconvenience those people who did dutifully make their reservations and give the airline their money way ahead of time.

Now GUY is trying to figure out where Gate K-26 is.

GIRL and the other passenger assigned to her seat play game of chicken over who will agree to take a later flight. They’re offered a voucher for a free trip anywhere in the US. GIRL knows that there are only a certain number of seats allotted for these vouchers and they’re always full. So the voucher is essentially worthless.

GUY races to her gate.

GIRL is about to step into the jetway.

GUY reaches her gate. He calls to her. She spots him. Tears in her eyes, she almost swoons when she sees him. An alert siren sounds. The terminal is being evacuated. Bomb scare. Mass confusion as everyone tries to leave. Closing music swells as they embrace and are trampled. The end.

Hopefully it’s not too sentimental. But I’m sure Nora Ephron will find just the right balance. Watch for my movie coming to a theatre near you…or maybe as part of some major airline’s in flight entertainment.

ANTICIPATED LOGIC PROBLEMS: Why don't they have cellphones and just call each other or why doesn't GUY follow her later? GUY ran out of the house so fast he forgot his cellphone. Ralph Bellamy had justice of the peace waiting with him at GIRL'S destination to perform the ceremony at the baggage carousel. All these and any logic problems will be deftly explained in the script by one of the many writers the studio gets to rewrite me...and then each other.

Fly carefully!

My favorite sitcoms

Thanks again for listing your favorite sitcoms. Here are my top eleven (okay, I couldn’t narrow it down to ten) – in no particular order. For a series to be truly great in my eyes it has to hold up. The comedy has to be identifiable even if it’s fifty years old. This occurs when the characters and situations they face are timeless.

Not included are any of the series I was associated with. The point here is to single out shows that inspired me, not toot my own horn.

THE HONEYMOONERS – One crummy set, four characters, and sheer magic. A reader mentioned the word “rewatchability” I’ve seen the classic 39 episodes at least 39 times each.. The performances kill me. I marvel every time I see Jackie Gleason & Art Carney. All they have to do is just stand there and I’m laughing. And has there ever been a funnier TV wife than the sublime Audrey Meadows? Especially considering the sensibilities of 1955. TV wives were either ditz brains, or thunderously boring. Audrey was smart, acerbic, and clearly in charge. I fawn over THE HONEYMOONERS in more detail in this former post.

THE PHIL SILVER SHOW – Also from the '50s. Also known as the BILKO SHOW. This was the perfect marriage of the consummate comedian and greatest sitcom writer of his era. Phil Silvers as the lovable larcenous Sgt. Bilko was a comic classic and no one could write inspired dialogue and devise ingenious plotlines like Nat Hiken. Other writers included Neil Simon.

THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW – Created by Allan Burns & James L. Brooks. The gold standard for multi-camera ensemble shows. The reason I became a TV writer. And the forerunner for other greats like TAXI, CHEERS, and FRASIER.

THE BOB NEWHART SHOW – You’ll see I have favorite comedy writers and their work pops up in several places. Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses bring a refreshing irreverence and subtle lunacy (if there is such a thing) to everything they write. THE BOB NEWHART SHOW under their hand was sillier than THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW but often funnier.

BUFFALO BILL – Patchett & Tarses again. This short-lived '80s series starring Dabney Coleman was truly original. The lead character was a raging asshole. Not “irascible but with a heart of gold”, no, Bill Bittinger was a first class prick. And so much fun to watch. I’m sure he tested through the floor but lying, conniving, cowardly, cheap, lascivious, vain characters are comic gold.

THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW -- Your clear favorite as well.  A smart, urban, funny ensemble multi-camera comedy in the day of BEVERLY HILLBILLIES, F TROOP, GOMER PYLE, and THE MUNSTERS. It was the sitcom oasis of the '60s. Created by Carl Reiner, originally for himself to play. He had the good sense to check his ego at the door and recast Dick Van Dyke. And he had the further good sense to surround himself with the elite of the writing community – Jerry Belson, Garry Marshall, Bill Persky, and Sam Denoff. This is another show with great “rewatchability”. And what kid in the '60s didn’t fall in love with Laura Petrie?

TAXI – James Brooks and staff sharpened, deepened, and further perfected the genre they launched with THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. Certainly darker in tone than MTM but more scathingly funny. And for my money the best storytelling ever. It’s the one series I always recommend to sitcom writer wannabes interested in learning the form. Chekhov in a garage.

TOPPER – No one mentioned this one. Of course it’s from a million years ago (the '50s). But Anne Jeffries and Robert Sterling as the insouciant young ghosts haunting doddering old Leo G. Carroll are a stitch. And the real star of the show is Neil, their ghost St. Bernard dog who’s a raging alcoholic. One of TOPPER’S writers was Stephen Sondheim. He might have had a bright future if he had stuck to comedy writing.

THE PRACTICE – No, not the David Kelley lawyer show. This was a mid '70s comedy starring Danny Thomas as a cranky family doctor in New York. BECKER with a big nose. What distinguished this show was the writing. It was created by Steve Gordon who went on to write and direct ARTHUR. Here’s more background on Steve. Anyone who has seen ARTHUR knows that Gordon was an absolute master in comic dialogue. THE PRACTICE crackled. It only lasted one season and has disappeared into the ether. I would give anything to see those episodes again. Or even get my hands on those scripts. Confession: I did work on this show but only to write one freelance episode.

FAWLTY TOWERS – brilliant farce. As someone who has had to construct and write farces myself, I’m in complete awe of every single episode. And what can you say about John Cleese other than genius? American versions of this have been terrible. You can't replace John Cleese with Bea Arthur.

COUPLING (UK version) -- FRIENDS for grown ups. Steven Moffat has created vivid colorful characters and devilishly has found ways to connect them in any number of combination's. The storytelling is superb, the cast is perfect (and unlike the misguided NBC remake where they insisted on casting people even hotter than CHARLIE'S ANGELS – the British cast is funny and even goofy looking for the most part), and it’s the one romantic comedy that delivers on both fronts.

So there they are. There are lots of others I admire. Maybe in a future post I'll list my honorable mentions. Hint: None of them have chimps in them.

A few things worth noting

In case you hadn't heard -- FREE AGENTS has been canceled.  Kathryn Hahn is terrific and I hope finds a better vehicle.  For Hank Azaria, this has been a bad week.  First FREE AGENTS and now it looks like THE SIMPSONS is finally coming to an end after only 23 seasons.  Hank provided many of the voices.

On Monday I do a whole blog post on what it's like to be on a show that is in trouble.  Not for the faint of heart.  

A more fun comedy to watch is HUSBANDS, a web series written by Jane Espenson and directed by Jeff Greenstein.   Check out episodes here.

A reader alerted me to this imdb page.  CHEERS is being remade in Spanish.  It premiered last month.  There's something great about getting a writing credit for a script that's in a language I can't speak. 

Congratulations to Jenny Johnson and the other winners of the first (and maybe only) annual National Lampoon Twitter Awards.  

Tomorrow I list my all-time favorite sitcoms.

Replacing Series Stars

Here are this week’s Friday questions.  Later today, some random suggestions and observations.  So come back.

Kaan gets us started.

What do you think about replacements in comedies? I literally hate that. And it doesn't matter if the "new guy" is better, I would never give him a chance.


I think comedies are more personal than Drama series. If you like a comedy and connect with it, its very very hard to tolerate any changes in the cast.


I immediately stopped watching Becker when Reggie was replaced by Chris (Terry by Nancy) and I have stopped watching Two and Half Men when Charlie got replaced by Waldon (Sheen by Kutcher)


So my question is: Are the writers and producers aware of this? Do they know how delicate this is? Or is this just my personal view?

As always, it depends on the show and just who you are losing. But often times as a producer I welcome cast changes. It shakes things up, changes the chemistry and relationships. Keeps the show fresh.  To me the key is not to replace a character with someone essentially playing the same character.

I think a perfect example of that was on MASH replacing Frank Burns with Charles Winchester. Frank was hilarious but also such an idiot. We all thought it would be interesting to give Hawkeye and B.J. a worthy adversary as opposed to just a straw man.

I think Ted Danson will reinvigorate CSI. And given time, I think Ashton will settle in nicely on TWO AND HALF MEN.

But of course you do run the risk that the replacement will suck and take the show down with him. And if you watch reruns on cable or Netflix and one of the new guy’s episodes come on you get that same disappointment you had as a kid when a THREE STOOGES short would come on and you’d see it was a Shemp episode.

From Brian Phillips:

Here is a Friday question: Sometimes, when a show is redone it turns out worse, i.e. "Hawaii Five-O", "Coupling" and sometimes it is generally agreed it is as much fun or better, such as "Doctor Who".


Are there any shows that you have been involved with that you would definitely bring back and others that you wouldn't?

I would love to revive ALMOST PERFECT and BIG WAVE DAVE’S. THE MARY SHOW and AfterMASH may rest in peace.

By the way, I saw a promo for the new Tim Allen sitcom where Nancy Travis plays his wife. He looks old enough to be playing her father.

Roger Owen Green wonders:

What words or phrases do you find yourself having to remove from the second drafts of your scripts because you tend to use them too often in the first versions? It might vary from show to show, I realize.

In dialogue, starting sentences with “Well,…” and having characters incessantly call other characters by name. People don’t do that in real life. “Thanks for passing the chips, Frasier”. “No problem, Niles.” This is a trick used to orient the audience to characters, but once they clearly know who everyone is it’s silly to continue the practice. And yet, it’s an easy trap I sometimes fall into.

My partner, David hates when a character reacts by saying, “What?” I, however, like that device. So we often have to bargain. “I’ll give you two ‘whats’ if you give me one ‘well”.”

And finally, aspiring writer, Ben has a question about spec scripts.

How do you know when your spec is out of date? I'm not talking about when to finally chuck that Golden Girls sample...I've got a Parks and Rec that was current as of the end of last season, but due to a few developments with the characters so far this year, could be seen as outdated. Do I need to rewrite before next staffing season, or are showrunners forgiving as long as your sample demonstrates you can write in the show's voice?

Most showrunners are forgiving. If you have to change your script based on what actually happens on the show you’ll be rewriting your spec every week. Example: PARKS & RECREATION – Is Leslie going out with Ben? Is she not? That changes from week to week. You’d go nuts trying to nail down that relationship.

But if there are major changes – like Ashton Kutcher replacing Charlie Sheen – to where the whole axis of the series shifts, then yes, you might want to update.

BONUS HINT to those planning specs: You might not want to write that FREE AGENTS.

As always, best of luck.

What’s your question?

Pictures from just outside Apple

My son, Matt is an engineer at Apple in Cupertino.  Took these photos Thursday from outside the Apple complex. The last one is my favorite -- everyone else taking pictures.

In Steve Jobs' own words

This 1997 commercial for Apple never aired. It was re-voiced by Richard Dreyfuss. But this original version was voiced by Steve Jobs himself. I can't think of a better tribute. But then, leave it to Steve -- to find the best possible way to do something.  Rest in Peace... and thank you for everything... including changing the world.

Review: PAN AM

There’s an old adage in show business that actors hate to work with children or dogs because they steal the scene. In PAN AM it’s plates.

I don’t know about you but when I watched the pilot of PAN AM and they were in the air I was completely distracted by the fact that all the food was served on real plates. And the passengers appeared to have legroom. In fact, one family seemed to have their own little private section. Really? Wow. The story line had something to do with one of the stewardesses banging the guy’s husband but I was too entranced that the kid had what appeared to be his own little coffee table to draw on.

That’s the Faustian contract you sign when you try to ride MAD MEN’S coattails. Your hook is the era, the nostalgia. MAD MEN did it in reverse. Matt Weiner focused on the characters and used the time period because it best fit the story he was trying to tell. There are, from time to time, scenes of Don Draper in planes and you never wonder whether his in-flight meals will be served on china. But with PAN AM, that’s all I could concentrate on.

There was a scene where two sister stewardesses were trying to work out some deep dish issue. They were on a little couch. They had little couches? I know there were lounges in early versions of 747’s but didn’t think they had them on those planes. Where in the cabin were they located? Why weren't passengers on them?

Another stewardess was preparing to slip some covert item in a passenger’s briefcase. She must be some spy. But she was in the galley and there appeared to be a full wet bar set up. Cool! Is that the way they poured drinks those days? Was this before those tiny bottles? I have no idea what she was trying to achieve vis a vis the espionage, but how much training did Pan Am stews have bartending?

There’s a flashback to Cuba during the Bay of Pigs Invasion where refugees are loaded onto the plane. The story line I think involves one of the stewardesses almost missing the flight and the pilot proposing. I forget whether she accepted or not. What I wanted to know was whether the refugees also got meals and were the meals the same quality and on the same plates? And were the refugees allowed to call ahead to book special meals like kosher or vegetarian?

So my big problem with PAN AM is this: what happens in week four when there’s nothing novel anymore about letting passengers visit the cockpit or seeing people actually dress up to take a flight? Are the characters strong enough? Are the stories compelling enough? Will the themes resonate? I dunno. Based on the pilot the plates win.

Results on Your Favorite Sitcom of All-Time

Thanks to the over 350 of you who shared your favorite sitcoms. Also, thanks to those who did mention shows I was associated with (even though you didn’t have to). It’s a great feeling to know something I did years ago is still being enjoyed today. And now if I ever write something that’s really a piece of shit I can always say, “Hey, at least I once wrote for CHEERS.”

I agree with most of your choices… although in a few cases I thought, “Are you kidding me??!” I won’t say which shows because I don’t want to embarrass the commenters. But holy shit! I’d put AfterMASH up against some of those clams.

Most of your choices were as I had imagined. But there were some surprises. The big one was THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. I think if I took a poll of all your entries, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW would finish first. Above SEINFELD, MASH, MTM, CHEERS, FRASIER, GOLDEN GIRLS, FRIENDS, even WHITNEY. Remarkable to think that a fifty-year-old sitcom would garner such respect today. Hey, it’s pretty remarkable that any fifty-year-old comedy is still remembered today. If you’re not familiar with THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, check out TV LAND or Hulu or come by my place. I watch it a lot. One commenter said it captured the Kennedy Era and I had never thought about that but I think he’s right. Rob Petrie looked a little like John Kennedy and Laura sure looked like Jackie. The young upscale couple raising a small child – it does sort of fit. Good observation. 

Lots of love for another old chestnut, THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. One commenter said that no other sitcom has ever created a world better than THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW and that’s true. Even Jews wanted to move to Mayberry.

Although classics like THE HONEYMOONERS, and THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW were acknowledged, the fact that they’re no longer shown regularly and they’re almost sixty-years-old makes it understandable that today they were getting the same number of votes as SABRINA THE TEEN WITCH.

Certain shows that were always considered second-class citizens in their day got lots of votes here. THE ODD COUPLE, WKRP IN CINCINNATI, both BOB NEWHART SHOWS, NIGHT COURT, MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, BUFFALO BILL, WINGS, BECKER, and NEWSRADIO are remembered more fondly now than when they were on.  And I had no idea SOAP was such a hit in Sweden! 

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT fans remain loyal and fervent. An ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT feature film and ten new TV episodes are in the works you’ll be happy to learn. Sorry I can’t say the same about PUNKY BREWSTER or WEBSTER. Alas, there are no major plans to turn those classics into major Hollywood movies.

MURPHY BROWN received very few votes, despite its series creator, Diane English saying the year it won an Emmy that it was the greatest situation comedy of all-time. Uh, maybe not… but points for humility. ROSEANNE also got merely a smattering of votes. That should result in a crazed tirade in her blog.

Some of you were very specific, breaking down series into seasons. I agree with all those who said the best years of MASH were the Larry Gelbart years. They were the best by light years. And there's a decided preference to the Diane years of CHEERS over Rebecca's. Each era had its pluses, but I do think the first season of CHEERS was extraordinary.

For those who listed animated shows, I found it interesting that practically everyone mentioned THE SIMPSONS while practically no one mentioned FAMILY GUY.  

Some of your choices were from out in left field. DOCTOR DOCTOR, ACTION!, FRANK’S PLACE, TEDDY Z., PARKER LEWIS CAN'T LOSE, SLAP MAXWELL. One person added GOODTIME HARRY – a lost gem created by the great Steve Gordon (who wrote the movie ARTHUR).

And other big shows sort of fell between the cracks. COSBY, TAXI, FAMILY TIES, LARRY SANDERS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND got a few mentions but not as many as I would have thought.

In the gone-but-not-forgotten category:  BETTER OFF TED, NEW CHRISTINE, and even a couple of votes for ALMOST PERFECT.  Thank you.  

It’s amazing how many truly exceptional sitcoms come from the UK and other foreign shores. THE OFFICE certainly, but also FAWLTY TOWERS, BLACK ADDER, FATHER TED, YES MINISTER, ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS, COUPLING and at least five others. A few foreign sitcoms you mentioned I will be trying to track down. CORNER GAS, RED DWARF, and SPACED top the list.

Best sitcom title ever:  DROP THE DEAD DONKEY (from the UK). 

Saturday I list my top ten, which includes one that only a couple people mentioned and another that none of you brought up, and still a third that you probably never heard of. Thanks again to everyone for participating.  You'll know I've been doing this blog too long when I ask "What's your favorite PBS Pledge Break of All-Time?"

Review: THE X-FACTOR

The X-FACTOR is just AMERICAN IDOL with Pepsi glasses. Who is Simon Cowell kidding when he says it’s “completely different” from IDOL? Since he’s on it reunited with dingbat Paula Abdul it’s actually MORE like IDOL than IDOL is now. But to say that more categories and a studio audience for initial rounds makes the show different is like saying Carl’s Jr.’s is different from Hardees’.   Same greasy burger; different bag.

It’s the same format. And we’re fast approaching the expiration date.

If there is one true difference it’s that Simon Cowell is no longer just a participant. He’s clearly in complete charge now. So any bickering with the other judges is all total bullshit. He hired them. So any annoyance over Paula, that’s purely for show. At least when Paula says insipid or stupid things we know she’s being genuine. That’s the real her. But make no mistake, there by the grace of Simon go they.

How much will Simon’s influence continue to steer the show as it progresses? Is Simon just a judge or is he the Vince McMahon of singing competition series?

As for the other judges. L.A. Reid is Randy Jackson if Randy’s mom had taught him how to dress and he didn’t drop out of school after the third grade. He adds some class and intelligence. And that’s all swell but I’m looking for judges who have unique or entertaining perspectives.

Like Ben Folds on THE SING-OFF. This guy is great. And instead, the X-FACTOR took another judge from that show, Nicole Scherzinger. That’s like the old joke about the network executive watching MORK & MINDY and saying, “Get me the girl!” Nicole has J-Lo looks and is a great singer herself, but she offers exactly… nothing.

She replaces Cheryl Cole, who we Americans were told we couldn’t understand her accent. I understood her just fine. It’s not like she was Dick Van Dyke in MARY POPPINS. I still have no idea what that absurd accent was.

Apparently Ms. Cole is a big celebrity in the U.K. In the limited time I saw her on X-FACTOR all I could glean was (a) she’s pretty, and (b) she’s pretty.   Firing her for Nicole was a lateral move at best.

To me the fun of the show is when they discover some unlikely talent. The whole Susan Boyle phenomenon. Last week they had some schlubby Zach Galifianakis guy who blew everyone away with an amazing rendition of “At Last”. That was thrilling.  Fill the hour (or two... or seven) with those performers. You’ve got 100,000 to choose from. I’m tired of the freaks and imbeciles who prance around in ridiculous costumes and sing worse than Roseanne. Yes, I know, they’re only there so Simon can humiliate them on national television but seriously, that act is starting to seem older than Gallagher's.

In general, THE X-FACTOR just a retread with louder bumper music, a larger thunderdome set, and splashier graphics. Hardees’ with a disco ball.

This franchise has been a mega hit in many countries. So it’s only right that Mr. Cowell would assume it will be a smash in the U.S. I think he’s wrong. I think it will do okay. Not spectacular. Not breakout. Just okay. It doesn’t have that spark, that sense of freshness, newness, that… how do I put this succinctly into words?  It doesn’t have that “X” factor.

Last day to vote on your favorite sitcom of all-time.   Your results and my thoughts tomorrow.  Thanks for playing.  

Why HAWAII 5-0 is a big f*ucking mess

HAWAII 5-0 is a great example of a show that even in year two has no idea what it wants to do. Most new shows tinker in the early going as they try to find their groove, but when they still are making big changes in the second season that’s a sure sign they’re flailing creatively.

Every time I watch HAWAII 5-0 I always make a vow that that’s it. I’m done with this stupid show. But for some reason I end up watching it again. And making the same vow. It’s the same principle as eating at Wendy’s.

The original version in the ‘60s was very clear. Jack Lord played the head of a special police investigation unit. He generally wore a suit. His team did most of the difficult stunts (like walking quickly) and they always got the bad guys. Throw in a great theme song, beauty shots of Hawaii, and you had rating rainbows for twelve years.

The new version had to be spiffed-up. Steve McGarrett (now played by Alex O’Loughlin) became a super human action hero. Jack Bauer goes Hawaiian. I’m guessing the more the writers gave him scenes to “act” the more they decided to give him scenes to shoot people.

Scott Caan was chosen as his partner. He’s likable, quirky, but the sense I get is he’s kind of a klutz. Good for banter, bad for cliff diving. So the decision was made to give him a heart tugging personal life. He’s crazy about his daughter but rarely gets to see her. He’s divorced but still loves his ex-wife. What the writers soon discovered was – no one gave a shit. Who wants to cut away from a drug bust to see Scott Caan taking his daughter for shave ice? So after the obligatory daughter-was-kidnapped story, they moved off of that. They still don’t know what to do with Scott Caan.

For a while they tried to establish that Alex had a former flame who still worked for the Navy and would provide needed info and the occasional romp in the sack. Three weeks of this and it was an early discharge.

Daniel Dae Kim (Jin from LOST) as a former Hawaii PD officer that was drummed out of the force for supposedly being dirty (but of course he wasn’t… he was just protecting his family in a convoluted subplot that captivated a grand total of no one). And Grace Park. What law enforcement team doesn’t need someone whose specialty is surfing?

Her role has been reduced to Googling potential perps, taking discreet surveillance photos with a camera the size of a howitzer, and looking smoking hot in a bikini. Every so often she gets to kick someone in the mouth.

They tried to give Alex a backstory. His father was a cop who was killed under mysterious circumstances, leaving Alex a toolbox with clues. From time-to-time they deal with that. Other times it’s ignored. A sister was introduced into the mix. After several episodes she didn’t work out and was gone.

Jean Smart was the governor. It’s hard to make Jean Smart not interesting but they somehow managed to do so. Bang! She was shot and gone the end of last season.

Larisa Oleynik was introduced late last year as a former CIA analyst who winds up doing the same stuff for the team that Grace does.  Big surprise.  That didn’t work. She’s mousey so she can’t be used during action scenes. My guess – they thought she could become a love interest for Alex. But there’s no chemistry. She’s now gone.

And in her place – a super hot blonde bombshell, Lauren German. If that doesn’t light a fire under Alex’s loins then it's time for Ricky Martin.  Lauren's a former Homeland Security agent assigned to the team against his wishes. So expect three weeks of mandatory bickering before the beleaguered writers realize that doesn’t work either. Good luck writing those scenes where we see Alex’s “sensitive” side. That’ll be one more story arc for the “dear God, never again!” file.

And still the new characters keep on coming. Terry O’Quinn (also a LOST alum) as a… I can’t even keep track. Alex’s mentor, John Locke, I dunno. And Tom Sizemore (in between his own jail stints) as an Internal Affairs hard-ass.

But wait! There’s more!

I suppose the writers felt they needed some comic relief. That way the tone could be action-thriller-romance-relationship-comedy. So joining the crew is Masi Oka as a goofy nerd coroner, and Taylor Wiley as big fat Hawaiian street informant, baby sitter for Scott’s daughter, scam artist, and shave ice stand proprietor. By this point you should be screaming, “Jesus! This is just a clusterfuck!” And you would be right.

But wait! There’s still more!

Arch villain Wo Fat pops in and out. Scott Caan’s ex-wife pops in and out. There’s a story arc involving Grace being investigated for grand theft. Lirisa may be a mole, or she may be a double-agent. The new governor has it in for Alex’s team. Alex suspects his late father may be a bad guy. There’s still the toolbox with clues. The HPD still hates Daniel Dae. And just what’s in that mysterious “hatch”.

The bottom line is this: If you don’t know what you’re writing you’re in trouble. Maybe one of these mid-course corrections will work and the show will click. The ratings are still okay but the theme song and beauty shots can only take you so far. One of these weeks I’m going to keep my vow. Better introduce Charlie Sheen before it’s too late.

Please still vote on your favorite sitcom of all-time.  Your results and my thoughts on Wednesday.  Thanks.

What's Your All-Time Favorite Sitcom?

Okay, this is one of those fun survey things I like to do from time to time. I did this originally about three years ago -- asked you readers “What’s your favorite all-time sitcom?” Got a wide range of answers. Some very unexpected. So now I thought I’d open it up again. 

I’ll be interested to see if most of your favorites are recent, vintage, multi or single camera.

One rule: Do not feel compelled (not that you would) to name shows I’ve worked on. You don’t get extra credit for listing JOE & SONS.

I imagine we’ll have some foreign sitcoms listed too. That’s great. Some will be from shows I’ve never heard of and I will make a concerted effort to find and watch them. I did that a couple of years ago when someone recommended the British version of COUPLING and it is now in my top 5.

For us Americans, I’m sure there are some undiscovered gems out there. And for people in Europe, if you’ve never seen MAMA’S FAMILY are you in for a treat!

I'll tell you mine in a future post.  But for today -- what’s YOUR favorite sitcom?

The Honeymooners

Not Ralph and Alice Kramden -- Matt Levine and Kim Shultz.  My son and his new bride honeymooned last month in Greece and England.  Since a Levine family tradition is filing humorous travelogues, Matt checks in with this one from their trip. 

Getting to Greece was a bit of an adventure. We flew through Heathrow where you need to go through a security checkpoint between your flights. Apparently nobody in Europe has ever seen a metal detector before. They tried walking through with every metal thing you could imagine: belts, steel toed boots, cell phones, etc. Kim and I breezed through thanks to our years of training from the TSA (George Clooney would be so proud). Never before in my life have I wanted to turn to a bunch of Europeans and scream "This is how we do it in America, bitch".

Apparently in Greece you're supposed to sway as you drive. Or maybe that was just our drunk cabbie.

People made fun of me for getting a second major in math. It all paid off when I could sound out all the signs in Greece. Although I had this bad habit of rearranging the signs to try to solve for alpha.

There are two US TV sitcoms constantly playing on Greek TV: Two and a Half Men and The Nanny. The city that's famous for inventing theater watches The Nanny. I could hear Dionysus petitioning Zeus to destroy Athens.

The new (2009) Acropolis Museum is fantastic. It has a ton of artifacts from the Acropolis and it's built on top of ruins you can see through the glass floor. Still, none of that compares to the fact that it's air conditioned. The Acropolis itself...well...don't go in the middle of the day. You and thousands of your closest friends can squeeze into the same tiny walkways while trying to snap the same photos. That said, go at the end of the day when you can relax in the shadow of the Parthenon as the sun sets and it's spectacular.

A lot of amazing technology is still lost from ancient greek times. Thanks to Dean Camen, you can now take a Seguway tour around the Acropolis and look like douchebags in the process. It's the best way to experience the Parthenon just like Socrates, Euclid and every other famous Greek person did 2500 years ago.

You can buy little porcelain busts of Greek gods. I was ecstatic to learn that they also had one of Υωκιλισ: The Greek god of Walks.

Kim insisted we take a day trip to Delphi, which would have been great if we didn't have the worst tour guide. Imagine the tour guide from Dave: "we're walking we're walking and we're stopping so I can take a call on my cell phone." The drive there takes about three hours, as you pass through a lot of cute Greek mountain towns and see constant ruins of little houses. Once you're up in Delphi it's spectacular. You're 4000 feet in the mountains with panoramic views. The ruins are in good shape, and you're actually allowed to walk through some of them. And at the very top is the ancient stadium where they used to have Olympic style competitions. We all deserved medals just for making the hike.

The Ancient Greeks believed that Delphi was the center of the universe and placed a large stone nipple there to prove it. The story goes that Zeus released two birds, one at either end of the universe, and they
met in Delphi. An ancient Greek high schooler also proved this to be true on his 10th grade final exam: "If one bird departs the end of the universe at 5 kph and another bird departs the opposite end of the
universe at 7 kph, where will they meet?"

After a few crazy days in Athens it was time to head to the islands. We hit up Santorini first, which is absolutely gorgeous. All the houses are painted white and blue and built into the sides of the cliffs, giving it a completely unique and wheelchair accessible look. It's like the opposite of Irvine. Whoever is doing the next Bourne or Bond movie should look here, you can jump from rooftop to rooftop
without a stunt man.

Brangelina own a house on Santorini and were vacationing there. They didn't send us a bottle of champagne.

Our hotel was built on the side of a cliff and our room had a beautiful view of the active volcano that sits in the middle of the crescent-shaped Santorini. Don't worry, it only steams and causes earthquakes a few times a month.

We took a cruise around the island to the volcano. It was a perfect cruise, we snorkeled in clear blue water, hung out in the lukewarm springs and had dinner by the volcano. Oh yeah, and my wedding band
fell to the bottom of the Mediterranean.

The only criticism I have of Santorini is that we, combined with three other American couples from the cruise, couldn't find a bar showing the NFL on Sunday. In Kim's eyes this is an offense punishable by volcano eruption.

We managed to escape Santroini before the volcano went off for Crete. Crete is HUGE. Most of the Greek islands are cute and tiny. Crete is the only one that could actually function as it's own country.

Our hotel, the Elounda Aquila, was the cheapest five-star resort I've ever seen. (How cheap are they, Matt?) Well, I'm glad you asked.
- They include a coffee machine in your room, but charge you for the coffee
- They charge you for tap water with dinner
- Their "half-board" is really just a discount at their restaurant
- And, for the coup de gras, they have serial numbers on their little
shampoo bottles. Instead of replacing them, they just take your
half-used ones from the shower and put them back in the toiletries
basket.

But don't worry, they make up for it with awesome service. Like the fact that you have to dry and reuse your beach towel. Or that when we asked the concierge for a restaurant recommendation we were told
"they're all the same." But they do have a nice pool and a lovely fake beach.


We rented a car in Crete, which was a bit of an adventure. I think Kim was in a constant state of fear. I loved it. You can pass slow people at will, even on a one lane road. I wish we could drive that way in
the Bay Area.

We chose Crete not only for the resort stuff, but also because they've got some decent history there. We saw three palaces: Konossos, Malia and Lato. Palace might be a strong word. We saw three piles of  rocks.

To be fair, the Palace of Knossos is actually quite impressive. It's believed to be home to the Minotaur and back in 1500 BC, it was three stories tall and had hot and cold running water. If they had WiFi we
might have asked to check in there instead of the Aquila. The Minotaur had to be a better host than the staff at the Aquila.

There was a Russian guy wearing a "Top Gun" hat. Has he seen the movie?

We did do some resort-y stuff as well, such as visiting a little island off right near Elounda. The island turned out to be a former Venetian leper colony! Do we know how to have a good time or what?

On the way home, we made a quick stop London just long enough to learn how much better the Underground is than any US subway system. The Brits aren't often the most exciting people in the world, but I never knew they would be so dull as to allow their game shows to end in a tie. What's next? Watching 90 minute sporting matches where nobody scores and they just call the game?

It was a fantastic honeymoon. We loved every minute except dealing with the morons at the Elounda Aquila. For the first time in a very long time it was disappointing to hear the US Customs agent say
"welcome home."