Friday Questions

It’s the rolling craps edition of Friday Questions (7-11).

Covarr asks:

What is a laugh spread?

This applies primarily to sitcoms filmed in front of studio audiences. When a joke gets a laugh the actor with the next line holds so the laugh can play out. Otherwise the audience won’t hear his next line. You put all these pauses for laughs together and you get the laugh spread.

You’ll hopefully get two to four minutes additional minutes of laugh spread. That way you’ll have time to play with in editing to cut out things that didn’t work, trim some things to pick up the pace, etc.

On the BIG WAVE DAVE’S pilot, our laugh spread was ten minutes, which was fantastic until we tried to edit 32 minutes down to 22.

Eduardo Jencarelli has a credits question:

When multiple writers get credited on the same script, they usually get divided by usage of the "&" ampersand, but I've seen cases where the actual "and" word is used, and sometimes even both with three writers or more.

Ex: Written by Ken Levine & David Isaacs

Ex2: Written by Ken Levine and David Isaacs

Ex3: Teleplay by Jane Espenson and David Benioff & D B Weiss

Is there a criteria involved in separating multiple writers which requires using both cases? Is there a reason? Were they writing separate scripts that got joined together somehow?

In short, an & means the writers wrote it together. An “and” means two writers wrote it separately. Okay, what’s the difference? The WGA allows for only two writing entities (a team counts as one entity) on any teleplay or story credit (unless there’s a waiver). So let’s say David Isaacs and I and Jane Espenson wrote a script together. If the credit was

                                        Written by
                                       Ken Levine
                                              &
                                      David Isaacs
                                             And
                                     Jane Espenson

Then David and I would split half and Jane would get half herself. We had this problem on ALMOST PERFECT when there were three partners – me, David, and Robin Schiff. How would we all get paid equally? We had to get a waiver from the WGA, which they would only grant if the studio paid 150% for the script so we each made essentially half of a normal script assignment.

And in the case of “and,” this occurs when another writer is assigned to rewrite the first and changes enough to warrant credit according to WGA arbitration rules.

An interesting note: You would think a writing team (with names separated by an &) would automatically split their salary 50/50. But that’s not always the case. Again, you have to notify the Guild you’re doing this but you can divide the money any way you choose. Why wouldn’t a team split everything evenly? There’s a husband/wife team that splits their take 90/10. That way the husband makes enough to qualify for health insurance (which covers his wife) and the two share in the money anyway. Pretty clever, no?

From Donald:

I saw 22 Jump Street and laughed, as far as that goes. But a preponderance of the jokes were all pop-culture based; specific references to other movies, TV shows, actors, etc. What's your take on this? Is it lazy? Isn't there a concern that these will date the film?

In their case, I guess that's not a concern. I imagine they wanted to make as much money in its initial release as they could and so what if in ten years the movie is a relic?

Pop culture references are easy laughs but do date a project. At the moment it is a style that is in, and if the jokes are funny and the movie is enjoyable what the hell? 

But it can become a crutch and as a comedy writer, if you're big strength is pop culture jokes you’re going to have a fairly short career. References change and newer, younger writers will have a better handle on them than you, at which point you become merely a reference.  Plus, it is lazy writing. 

The best comedy writing, the most enduring comedy writing comes out of character. Reference real life, not the Kardashians.

And finally, Rod queries:

Have you ever directed a hald hour comedy that did not involve a studio audience and multi cameras? It seems to be popular right now, with Modern Family, The Middle, and The Goldbergs, to name 3. Thanks

Not an entire episode but single camera scenes in numerous show. For DHARAMA & GREG I did a whole crowd scene at Ghiradelli Square and a car chase. For other shows I’ve had blizzard scenes and chase scenes on Paramount’s New York street, horseback riding scenes at Griffith Park, a dog chase scene through the woods, and news crews stand-up reports on the streets of New York and the Paramount, 20th, and Radford streets of New York.

My next directing assignment will be in a couple of weeks. It’s another multi-cam show – an episode of INSTANT MOM written by Annie Levine & Jon Emerson. Please don’t add a skydiving scene.

What’s your question? Leave it the comments section. Thanks!

My take on today's Emmy nominations

This is the year that the Emmys officially went off the rails. There are too many shows on too many networks and delivery systems for the Academy to recognize those shows and artists who are truly deserving. And the categories have so blurred that shows got snubbed by other shows that didn’t even deserve to be in those categories.

It’s now just a joke.

The fact that Tatiana Maslany was not nominated for her extraordinary work in ORPHAN BLACK means the entire exercise is a complete and utter sham. She plays nine characters – all brilliant, all distinctive, intermingling with each other, and at times even impersonating each other – and yet she was ignored. Meanwhile, Michelle Dockery, who plays the stiff weepy Lady Mary on DOWNTON ABBEY did get a nod. So did Kerry Washington for SCANDAL, a show that’s good pop fun but hardly a legitimate drama. The Academy should be ashamed. Imagine the Oscars not nominating Brando for THE GODFATHER.

Actors who are series semi-regulars got nominated for best “guest” stars. Robert Morse, who has been on MAD MEN since the beginning is a “guest” star? Beau Bridges and Allison Janney who are series regulars on MASTERS OF SEX  also qualify for this category? So appearing in like 8 episodes of 10 constitutes “guest” star?

Among the many other deserving actors who got passed over this year were Andy Samberg, Liv Schreiber, Matthew Rhys, Kerri Russell, Tim Oliphant, Walton Goggins, and the list goes on.

And how many episodes is a series vs. a mini-series? THE GOOD WIFE got snubbed for Best Drama while MAD MEN and BREAKING BAD did not. THE GOOD WIFE made 22 episodes. MAD MEN made seven. BREAKING BAD made eight.

MAD MEN got a nom for Best Drama but not one writing nomination. In other words, it’s dead. So if it’s dead, why not give the nomination to a more deserving show like THE GOOD WIFE, WALKING DEAD, JUSTIFIED, THE AMERICANS? Or (considering this absurd Academy) 2 BROKE GIRLS?

TRUE DETECTIVES, an AMAZING show, only made seven episodes and the two stars will not be returning next year. That’s a “series” and not a mini-series. But AMERICAN HORROR STORY, that also did just a few episodes with a revolving cast is considered a mini-series. Again, the Oscar equivalent: Best Motion Picture – the nominees are THE GODFATHER and a four-minute Pixar cartoon.

Readers of this blog know I love ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK. But I’m sorry folks, it’s not a comedy. It’s a drama with comedic elements. Newcomer SILLICON VALLEY is a comedy. LOUIE, (that’s nominated) used to be a comedy. If by “comedy” you mean the show that’s really funny and makes people laugh the most – then BIG BANG THEORY or VEEP should win. But since it’s this Academy they’re probably both dead. Meanwhile, THE MIDDLE (which was funnier than MODERN FAMILY this year) and MOM were both no-shows.  I guess they made the mistake of going for jokes in a comedy and not brutal beatings. 

Similarly, Taylor Schilling as Piper in ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK is wonderful but it is not a comedic role. For her to even be nominated as best comedienne against Julia Louis-Drefus is her only real laugh this year. And also in that category is Lena Dunham playing the least funny woman on television. The gold standard for comedy should be Lucy not Sela Ward.

As I said, the problem is that the nominating process is now way too unwieldy. Too many shows, members not getting certain channels or delivery systems and not bothering to devote a gazillion hours to screeners, shows being selected on the basis of buzz, shows being selected because of familiarity (DOWNTON ABBEY sucked this year. It was great the first season or so, but now is a faint carbon of its brilliant self), and shows are entered in categories in which they don’t belong.

If the Academy doesn’t address this, if it doesn’t set strict guidelines for what constitutes series, mini-series, guest performances, genres, etc. the awards will become so meaningless and the public will so little care that they might as well disband the whole practice. Not only is this year’s Emmy nominations a sham, it cheapens the accomplishments of past winners and lessens the honor of recognition to those among the chosen this year who do deserve it.

I’ll be reviewing the Emmycast again this year. If you think the nomination were absurd, just wait until you learn the winners.

Here’s a complete list of the nominees.

Coming soon!

Or at least later this morning.   The Emmy nominations have been announced and since I had no plans to get up at 5:00 AM for the presentation, I will take my car to the shop as planned, and then later this morning will compose my thoughts on the nominations.   So if you're interested, check back later. 

Great movies you're not watching

Hi kids! This is Charlie Chaplin (THE Charlie Chaplin), writing from the great beyond. Thanks to Ken for letting me guest blog today.  I really love his blog except when he writes about baseball or Patty Heaton.  But I digress.   I realize a lot of you don’t know who I am (or was). I was a silent movie star. You may have seen my little tramp character. Ken has posted a photo. I was really funny back in those days. Lots of sight gags. Like I said, we had no sound. We couldn’t do sparkling dialog like in STAR WARS. I also introduced “pathos” (sadness) to comedy. For the five cents you’d pay to see one of my movies you expected more than just hilarity.

I wasn’t the only big comedy star back then (although I was sleeping with more women). Buster Keaton was a genius. Somehow he could make inanimate objects come alive. And many of his stunts were truly death defying. Again, people were paying a whole nickel. You had to really wow them.

Harold Lloyd was another funny chap (we didn’t use “dude” then). You may have seen the famous scene where he is hanging from a large clock on the side of a skyscraper? (Ken, please provide a photo of that too.) Amazing. And he only had strength in one hand. Most people don’t know that. So all of his stunts were really incredible.

Personally I think these guys were nuts to risk their lives for the sake of a laugh, but we had no WIPE OUT so they were providing a real service. I just saw Buster recently and he said if he had it to all over again, he would have just gone up for romantic leads.  In that case, lose the pork pie hat. 

Anyway, we also had Stan Laurel & Oliver Hardy – two very funny gentlemen who made the transition from silent to sound with relative ease. Stan was the comic genius – writing and directing all their pictures – but Ollie was maybe the funniest comic actor of our day. Even now, whenever I’m feeling a little low I just drop a few bricks on Ollie’s head and laugh and laugh. The guy kills me. And I’m dead.

Other funny folks came along. The Marx Brothers (although they were always a little to Jewish for my taste), W.C. Fields, Abbott & Costello, Carole Lombard (and Katherine Heigl calls herself a comedienne), and Cary Grant (Good luck, Buster, going up against that guy for romantic leads. You were better off being dragged by moving trains.).

So why am I here? To remind you that most of our movies are still available to see. In fact, with the internet, they’re even easier to access. If you’re interested at all in comedy you will be exposed to a whole new world. All the hilarious sight-gags you see in Judd Apatow/Seth Rogen/Tyler Perry movies – we all invented them a gazillion years ago. And we did our own stunts and baked our own pies.

But most young people don’t watch us anymore. And why is that? They’re just a click away. The reason is that all of our films are in black and white. First of all, lemme say it’s not like we had a choice. Don’t you think I would have used 3D and CGI and THX if I could? I would have crushed it on Blu-Ray. But black and white was all we had. And drugstores took forever to process the film. 

So what is so off-putting about b & w? Just because we’re not in color, we’re not worth watching? Jokes are only funny in pastels? Only old or dead people are in black and white movies? Comedy wasn’t invented until 2002? Seriously, what is it? All this amazing, inspiring, uproarious material and you kids have no interest because we’re all in gray. I’ve got news for you. Buster Keaton WAS gray.

I invite you to all to set aside your bias and discover the exciting wondrous illuminating world of black and white.  You'll thank me as if I tipped you to BREAKING BAD.  Black and white, my friends.   Black and white.   Sound – eh, that you can live without.

Thanks, Ken.

When great actors collabrate

It's always awesome.  Brando & Pacino.  Newman & McQueen.  And now this:   Wow!

The infamous "Leather Binder" incident

First of all, if you didn’t read yesterday’s post, that headline will mean nothing to you. Check out David Isaacs’ guest entry from Monday.

Okay. Now that you’re up to speed…

It is true I ripped a leather binder completely in half in one motion. This was one of those incidents you hear about where someone has a huge rush of adrenaline and lifts a Buick. This temporary strength came out of anger, and I’m usually not that angry a guy. Kvetchy – most certainly, but blue blind rage -- no.

Note:  I am not naming the actors involved.  My prerogative.   Nor will I deny or confirm the many conjectures I know are coming.    Sorry, I'm taking the high road. 

We were showrunners of this particular train wreck and were down on the stage for a runthrough. One of the cast members, a lovely person, innocently did something the star objected to. So the star stopped the runthrough and in front of everybody just tore this poor individual a new asshole. It was completely uncalled for and reprehensible.  The actor was completely mortified.  And again, he did nothing wrong.  You can imagine how uncomfortable this was to witness first hand.  An arctic breeze goes up my sphincter just thinking about it.   Had this happened today I would have stepped in and stopped it, even if it meant facing the wrath of the star myself. But I was younger and more inexperienced. (This is why you hire seasoned pros to run network television series.) 

So I just seethed. The star’s behavior had been horrible for quite some time, but ripping into a fellow cast member was, for me, the final straw.

When the runthrough was over we returned to the room. The star had given us these leather script binders for Christmas (as if that was on anyone's wish list to Santa –a stupid leather binder with the star’s name on it – I would have rather received a stocking of coal). And I don’t know what possessed me, but I grabbed that binder and just tore it in half. (It felt great, by the way.) At the time I was doing it I had no idea this was a feat of Herculean strength. I might as well have been ripping a sheet of construction paper. Even after I did it (and the writing staff was hiding behind chairs) it didn’t seem like any big deal.

My partner wisely decided that I should have the night off. Rewrites on that show routinely lasted until 3 or 4 in the morning. But clearly, I was not going to be of much help that night.

I should mention that a few weeks later a similar incident involving the star so outraged David that he flipped over our giant heavy wooden conference table. Scripts and pens and dishes of m & m’s all went flying. I sent him home that night.

I should also mention that in all the many years we’ve either been on staff or run shows, those are the only two incidents of meltdowns that we’ve ever had. But then again, we never worked for Roseanne.

Final thought: Ripping that binder is not something I’m particularly proud of (which is why I rarely bring it up). And even though it’s easy to get very emotionally attached to a project, creative issues should not be cause for losing your mind. But people treating other people terribly and getting away with it because they can – that’s what gets my adrenaline a’pumpin’.

And now for my next trick…

Guest blogger: David Isaacs

Never let it be said I don't provide equal time.   When a reader asked for David's comments regarding our writing partnership he graciously filed this: 

In answer to a question to Ken about writing partnerships, one reader, curious to hear from Silent Dave, asked if I could chime in on the subject. So here goes.

After reading Ken’s take on the subject I would second, as I more often than not do, his points on having a successful writing partnership. The freedom to trust one’s own voice, and yet hold respect for the other guy’s opinion are cornerstones of any good writing team. “My way or the highway” is an attitude that will sink a partnership very quickly.

I will occasionally pitch or joke or make a story point I feel saves the day… sometimes it does and I’m the hero for that moment. However, it can happen that my brilliance is a met by my writing partner “with the jaundiced eye of rabbinical scholar”. In other words, he has a problem with it. That can be a sobering moment, cause when I said it I didn’t expect a lukewarm reaction. So now I have to defend it, not to mention that I’m a little resentful that it’s about to be picked apart by the ungrateful bastard. Still, I started writing with this obsessive prick because he was about the funniest person I’d met to that point in my life and if he doesn’t find my line amusing or my story fix cogent, there could be something about it I’m missing. So, for the sake of the script itself, maybe I should hear what the jealous SOB has to say. Now I may not ultimately agree, but once again, for the sake of the script, which is everything, it might be better to try another alternative. One we can both agree on. Some would say that is compromising, and I wouldn’t disagree on principle, but strangely, for us anyway, putting our heads together almost always results in a better line or story fix.

You usually team up because you both figure two heads are better than one. So why abandon that when things get tough?

Work with another person as long as Ken and I have and you are bound to run into problems and life situations that test your partnership. We’ve had some -- a few shouting matches along the way, and some chairs and tables have been turned over. Things got so tense once that I saw Ken, who no one is ever going to mistake for The Rock”, rip a LEATHER script binder in half in one motion. That was one scary, superhuman feat. I thought at the time, if he could do that to a cow skin he could crush my head like a grape. Luckily he was angrier at the actor than me.

Through it all though, we never took things personally for very long, and that, I think was the key. We both always recognized the value of the other guy to the bigger picture of turning out good work.

I wish you could have seen Levine tear that binder. It was fucking mythological.

Thanks, David.  Note to other writing teams:  rip a leather binder in half.  You'll get your way a lot more often after that. 

From the "Chutzpah Hall of Fame"

Here's another baseball post for people who don't like baseball. It's about one of the most outrageous characters I've ever met.

This goes back to my minor league days. For the three years I broadcast in the minors for Syracuse and Tidewater. You meet a lot of colorful individuals on that circuit but none even close to the announcer for Louisville (who was replaced by a guy named Joe Buck). This guy, we’ll call him “Louie” had a big booming voice and a style that only can be described as carnival barker. Having crossed into middle age, Louie was still a big skirt chaser, although in those days he generally wound up getting girls in big skirts.

One day Louisville is in Des Moines. He meets some woman at the hotel and they arrange to rendezvous in the lobby at 11 PM after that night’s game.

Unfortunately, the game drags on.

The visiting broadcast booth is right next to the main area of the press box with an open window between the two. Reporters can easily hear the visiting broadcasters.

It’s 10:40. Going into the 8th. The game has at least a half hour to go, then there’s wrapping up the broadcast, shutting down the equipment, and getting back to the hotel. No way will Louie make his 11:00 tryst.

As the two teams are changing sides and the pitcher is making his warm up tosses, the reporters start to hear play-by-play coming from Louie’s booth.

“Bottom of the 8th, Jones up, swings at the first pitch. Fly ball to right. Krellman makes the catch. One out. Next up is Smith. He swings at the first pitch and hits a grounder the first. Two quick outs…” etc.

Louis begins MAKING UP the play-by-play. Sure enough, “his” game is over in ten speedy minutes and he’s out the door. Louie belongs in the “Chutzpah Hall of Fame” for that one stunt alone.

But there were many others. Among them: getting thrown out of a game by an umpire for ragging on him from the press box, getting thrown out of an NBA game and costing his team a technical foul when he did same thing during his brief tenure as the San Antonio Spurs announcer, getting fired from the Minnesota Twins for illegally promoting a drag strip nightly on the broadcast he had ties with, getting canned from a Cleveland sportstalk station for accusing a team of “Jewing down” a player’s agent, and last I heard he was doing TV weather in a small Midwestern town and was arrested for fondling some woman’s breast in a carwash.

As a writer, if you were to put Louie in a script your producer would throw it right back in your face saying he was waaaaay too implausible. And he’d be right…except in minor league baseball. Guys like Louie made all the nine hour bus rides, make up doubleheaders, and dinners at Shoneys worth it.

How to get back at network censors

Battles between show runners and network Standards & Practices (i.e. Censors – despite what their business cards say) are common. Personally, I never had a major run-in with them. They have been annoying and at times infuriating, but that’s just part of the process. Most of the time you can work things out. They tend to be reasonable.

But we had an incident in the mid 80s when we were doing MARY (the Mary Tyler Moore comeback vehicle) that at least gave us a chance to get back at them… in some small, admittedly immature, but mirth provoking way.

Our S&P person was a middle-aged spinster. Picture: Aunt Bea from THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. In one episode we had Mary innocently say “yin yang” in a speech. "Aunt Bea" called and said we’d have to lose that. Why? She said it was a euphemism for penis. Well first off, I had never heard it used in that context and secondly, we weren’t using it in a suggestive manner. “Yin yang” is the Chinese symbol for opposites. Plus, Mary Tyler Moore was saying it. We were not going to have America's sweetheart do a dick joke.

Still Aunt Bea was adamant. She had a list of euphemisms for penis and none of those words were allowed.

She had a list? An actual list?

I got an idea. I said to her it would be very helpful to hear the list so we’d know in the future what words to avoid. Would she please read them aloud to me?

I then put her on speaker phone so the entire writing staff could hear as Aunt Bea went down the list. Just imagine your dear sweet grandmother saying, “willy. wang, dong, baloney pony, Captain Winkie”.

We were dying.

She was clearly uncomfortable too. But when she finished I asked if there was a list for breasts. As a matter-of-fact there was. I had her recite that list to the gang. “Hooters, kazonkas, sweater meat”.

She reeeeally wanted to hang up after that list. But there was yet another list we really needed to hear. “What about vagina?” I asked.

She took a deep breath. And then from “cha-cha” to “hoo-hoo” with every “man in the boat” in between, she rattled off the terms. Dropping the “C-bomb” and a few that were so ugly that I could only picture Andrew Dice Clay saying them.

I thanked her, she hung up, and we howled for twenty minutes.

We got very few S&P notes after that. And to be fair, we always tried to take the high road on that show anyway. We weren’t looking to slip in dick jokes. .

Here’s how far television has come: For a full list of those CBS euphemisms for “penis” watch any three episodes of TWO AND A HALF MEN.  And for "vagina" watch any ten minutes of any episode of TWO BROKE GIRLS. 

I always miss Dave Niehaus on July 4th

Dave Niehaus, the longtime Seattle Mariners' broadcaster who passed away a few years ago had many traditions.  One was to wear a hideous red,white, and blue sportsjacket every July 4th.  One year, when I was his partner, we were in Detroit for Independence Day.  We split duties on radio and TV that day and of course Dave wore the jacket for the opening.   I asked if I could wear it when I came on TV.  He said sure, I appeared on camera in it and could not have looked more ridiculous.  Wouldn't you know, they picked it up on ESPN and it led off every edition of Sportsnight that evening.   For weeks I took shit from the players. 

But God bless, Dave.  He loved his country, team, and family.  And I miss him everyday.  

I don't have a shot of him in the notorious jacket, but that was the shirt he wore with it.  Also in the picture is Kevin Cremin, our producer-engineer (who is still there today). 

Enjoy the fireworks tonight.

4th of July memories

Since the 4th of July is a day to celebrate Americana and (in my case) a chance to sell some books for your summer reading, here are two brief excerpts from THE ME GENERATION… BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE ‘60s), my humorous/nostalgic/Pulitzer Prize ignored memoir of growing up during the California myth. You can get the Kindle version here. The paperback here. And the audio version (voiced by yours truly) here. It’s the perfect way to support this blog and relive happier times in this great country.

July 4, 1964

Fortunately, we were back home from Hemet in time for Independence Day. They still had 4th of July parades in Woodland Hills. Not exactly lavish affairs -- a few Jaycee Booster Clubs, school marching bands (playing nothing but “Stars & Stripes Forever” and “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini”), anyone who owned a horse, ice cream trucks, local dignitaries (“Hey, there’s Mr. Neider from Neider’s Auto Body!”), some elementary school classes, local politicians (“We have a councilman?”), and majorettes from as far away as Reseda. The twirling batons proved to be more dangerous to crowds than today’s maple bats.

But for me the REAL reason to stake out my spot on Ventura Blvd at Shoup Avenue was that the grand marshal was always Buster Keaton. Buster was probably 150 by then but still, there he was. Mostly forgotten today but Buster Keaton was a comic genius in the era of silent films and early talkies. His flair for physical comedy was so inspired that even today I don’t think there’s a single comic who can remotely touch him. If I couldn’t still see George Washington in person at least there was Buster Keaton.

I miss those parades. If you still have one where you live, go. Wave a flag. Cheer. Just duck when the baton twirlers go by.

July 4, 1967

We got a dog that summer. A poodle-terrier. My mother named her.

Babette.

That name would not have been my choice. I don’t remember why we got a dog. We never had a pet before. But I was thrilled. And Babs turned out to be a fabulous dog and companion. If someone in the house were sick, she’d sit all day at the end of his bed. I worried that our family, unaccustomed to caring for pets might not take the best care of her – and my early fears were justified.

Our house was only two blocks from the Woodland Hills Park. On the 4th of July, they would shoot off fireworks. We always invited a few people over for a barbeque and fireworks show, comfortably viewed from our backyard. A neighbor was lying on a chaise lounge. He set his martini down on the ground. Babette approached and lapped up the entire contents in mere seconds. Ten minutes later she staggered out onto the lawn and passed out for twenty-four hours. We have a dog for one month and get her completely shit-faced. Nice.

Have a safe and sane 4th of July.

The writing process on MAD MEN

Actually, I'm doing Friday Questions on Thursday this week since tomorrow is the 4th of July and most people have other things to do.   The first FQ is answered with the assistance of Matthew Weiner.

It comes from Ted:

I love Mad Men, and I've always thought that, like The Sopranos, the sharp writing comes from a staff in a room. But Matthew Weiner does a lot of publicity for the show, and he doesn't seem to mind if you think he creates every word, character, and storyline. So what's the truth? Is Mad Men room-written or not?

No. Matt comes up with the general arc and direction of the season. The staff works together with him on breaking stories and then write individual scripts. Matt then takes his pass at every draft. That’s not to say that a lot of the original writer’s draft doesn’t make the final cut but everything passes through Matt first. And that's in addition to the scripts he writes by himself. Hey, he’s the real deal, folks.

To confirm all this I double-checked with Matt, who added this:

I have had a lot of writers come through the show. And the story process in that room is very collaborative and essential. I do not and more importantly can not do it by myself.

Thanks, Matt. Also worth noting, whenever he’s interviewed he always makes a point to mention and thank his staff and crafts people and it’s very often not published.

Jose asks:

How would an actor find out that they're fired from a show for bad behavior? From who and how would they get the news?


Like if it was a young actor on a cable show who didn't take his job seriously and they just had a supporting role that could easily be written out of the show without them appearing again.

Uh..Jose, are you by chance on a cable show and feeling a little insecure??

When actors are fired it should be the showrunner who tells them but often times that thankless task gets pawned off to the agent or manager.

Most times it’s not because of bad behavior per se. Actors are often fired for reasons that are not their fault. They tested poorly. The network has someone they like better. Or the network has a deal with an actor and needs to stick him somewhere.

A few years ago a showrunner was ordered by the network to replace an actress with another of their choosing.  The new actress was terrible.   After several of her episodes aired the showrunner walked into a gym and there was the actress he fired on the treadmill.  She sees him and calls out across the entire gym, "Yeah, BIG improvement!"  

Shows also get rewritten and parts are dropped.

So in most cases, it’s like being the victim of a sniper. You never hear the bullet coming.

But there are also times when the actor knows he’s not cutting it. Getting fired is usually painful but it can also be a relief.

As for bad behavior, we really need to define just what that is. Some actors have a maddening process that drives everyone around them nuts. Is that bad behavior or bad work habits? If the performance is ultimately great it’s just the process; if it’s not you shoot him week four.

The only incident of real bad behavior I encountered was a guest actor who made a totally inappropriate sexual advance on an actress. When I found out about it later in the day I walked right down to the stage and fired him on the spot.

So be careful Jose. Work real hard, take your job seriously, and no hanky-panky with series regulars.

Here’s a question that all America wants answered. It’s from Ian:

How does Phoef Sutton pronounce her first name? I suspect it's something like "fuff," but I'm dying to know for sure.

It’s pronounced “Feef”, just like it’s spelled.   And as you can see, Phoef is a guy. 

Warren Z. wonders: 

If you were to write for a show like Modern Family, where every episode is based around a theme (sometimes loosely, sometimes not so much), would you start by determining the theme, and then work out each of the storylines from there? Or would you figure out the plots first and tweak them, if you need to, to fit a particular theme?

Theme FIRST. Always. It’s the spine. This also applies when creating a series, movie, play, novel – any dramatic enterprise. The best stories are ABOUT something.

To not have the theme first is like an artist painting something at random and then deciding what it looks like.

What's your Friday Question and what day would you like me to answer it on?  

How to improve the World Cup

The World Cup is in full swing and has become an international sensation.  But that's not enough.

Here in America (i.e. the center of the universe) we have been a little slower to the dance than other nations. This is because we didn’t invent it (although maybe in the Book of Mormon we did). And yet, we’re trying to get aboard. There’s a professional domestic league and some teams are doing quite well. In Seattle the Sounders are outdrawing the Mariners. And U.S. children have embraced soccer.  Since they’re not allowed to use their hands they can text during games.

But the World Cup has begun to catch on here.

Sorta.

It’s on all the time and GAME OF THRONES is over. But it’s not the huge juggernaut that it is in other countries. And as we all know, for anything in the world to matter, the United States must be suitably excited. So here are some of my minor suggestions for how we could better involve the most important nation in the history of the planet:

First: ESPN – hire a host who has an eye problem. We appreciate sporting events way more if we can be distracted from them. Guys are just kicking a ball around. Zzzzzzz. But whether the host will be able to go on camera – THAT’S drama. And if he doesn’t, who goes on instead? Talk about watercooler gold. Will the substitute host be a man or woman? Or better yet, will they switch off? Who will score better ratings? Now you’ve really raised the stakes.

And then, for the finals, have Tina Fey and Amy Poehler anchor coverage.

Never schedule a match between two neutral countries. The matches must always be between countries we love and countries we hate. I realize this is difficult because we now like so few countries but there’s always Canada and nations that offer great vacation packages.

Involve Ryan Seacrest. Suddenly the World Cup becomes important.

We don’t have to watch the whole game. Cut away during the slow parts (i.e. 99% of it). Produce five-minute heartwarming profiles on players who have overcome adversity. We root for individuals. So give us a goalie with one testicle and we’re yours.

Invite stars from our various primetime shows and cutaway to them incessantly during the game. There are crowd reactions aplenty as it is, but they’re just rabid fans wearing the bright colors of their country. Who gives a shit? But is Kaley Cuoco having a good time? That’s the stuff that draws us in.

We Americans don’t love low scoring games. Extend the goals another thirty feet. If a team is losing by 6 goals with 2 minutes left but still has an excellent chance to win then we won’t switch over to SAY YES TO THE DRESS.

Cut the game time down from 90 minutes to 9. They kick the ball back and forth. We get it. In fact, why not just skip right to the shootout? That’s when things start happening.

And finally, you must let us win. I know it tarnishes the integrity of the competition somewhat , and you other countries could argue that winning means nothing if you don’t earn it, but we don’t care. We just need to win. Even though Team USA lost in an earlier round you still found a loophole to advance them. You need to do that again now that they lost to Belgium. The U.S. needs to triumph over some countries (or at least appear so). If we can win the World Cup that means we can have a victory parade and citizens won’t shoot each other for a couple of hours.

Yes, we know the World Cup is getting massive ratings around the globe, and that’s all fine and dandy, but what good is being in the finals if you can’t get endorsement deals from Nike and Odor Eaters? Why play in a championship game if Bruno Mars doesn’t do your halftime show? Yes, you may have to throw the final game, but we’ll take care of you.  It’s so hot in Brazil. Wouldn’t you rather spend summers in Seattle? There are commercials, guest appearances on ELLEN and a roster spot on the Sounders for all of you.

And as for the nations themselves, if the US is watching, you can charge ridiculous TV rights, enough to balance the budget of every country participating. And all you have to do is throw the games, change your format, and cater only to us. I’d say it’s a win/win. Tell Ryan Seacrest to pack for Brazil. Otherwise, it's back to ELLEN in the daytime and WHEEL OF FORTUNE at night for all us yankees.  Let us know who really won.

Writing alone or with a partner?

The process of writing has come up a lot these last days.  Of course it's hard to find appropriate visuals to go along with that.  So, as longtime readers of this blog know, I resort to Natalie Wood.  She looks cute in short hair, doesn't she?   Anyway, here’s a Friday Question that became an entire post. It’s from RyderDA after last week's announcement that my play is being produced by the Falcon Theatre:

Your new play "A OR B?" is by you and not the longstanding team of Levine & Isaacs. In a successful partnership, how do you know when to "go it alone" and when to take a project on as a team?

I can only speak for my partnership, of course, but here’s how we worked it out:

When we write scripts together we always do it head-to-head. Done it since our first spec and we continue to work that way today.

But early in our career, when we got on staff on THE TONY RANDALL SHOW and MASH and started getting numerous script assignments, we decided that once each year we would work differently. I would write one act alone and he would write the other. We’d then combine them and do a polish together before turning it in. The point of this exercise was to give both of us confidence that we could write by ourselves. All these years we’ve worked together, we’re partners out of choice not dependency.

We’ve also believed that partners need to give each other room. Over the years one or both of you might want to pursue other interests. One cockamamie writer I know wanted to become a baseball announcer. I don’t think he would have done that had the other partner not felt secure that he could take on assignments on his own while the goofy one was in Syracuse waiting out rain delays.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both writing alone and with a partner.

For me, it’s way more fun and more social writing with someone else. First of all, the burden is not all on you. The key is finding someone you trust, of course, but it takes a lot of pressure off when your partner can come up with the big jokes or story fixes. And if your car is in the shop, you always have a ride.

The downside is that everything has to be talked out and agreed to beforehand. When I write by myself I like the freedom of just trying something – writing a run without having any particular conviction. Just riffing. Often times I’ll end up discarding it. But I enjoy the luxury of just being able to try something without having to justify it. And along the way, some good things will result, things that might surprise even you. I’m writing more from an instinctual and subconscious level. There’s a lot more trial and error. For example: in writing my play I keep a separate file of scenes and dialogue I’ve discarded. The play is about 90 pages. The reject file is 50 pages (and counting). So with the added experimentation comes a lot of Sunday strolls down dead-end streets and over cliffs.

There’s also the danger of losing your objectivity. This is another area where a partner really helps. When I write something on my own I always give it to a few writers I really trust to get their input. When David and I write a script together, if we’re both happy we’re confident enough to turn it in.

To return to your original question (finally), how do you know when to do a project alone or with your partner – I think it depends on a number of factors.

Is this subject matter you’re both passionate about, or does one partner have a real feel for the subject matter while the other couldn’t care less the meat packers union in the mid 1930’s.

Do you feel confident tackling this project without the help of your partner?

Is the story something deeply personal to you?

There are times you have to be pragmatic. You may not make a sale on a project unless both partners are involved. If you’re a team you’re a known entity.

Availability: Are both partners in town, or is one across the country about to call that night’s Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs game?

Do you need to get the script in quick? Two can write faster than one.

Is your partner driving you crazy and you just need a break before you kill him?

Do you think your car is going to need a lot of time in the shop? In other words, do you drive a Jaguar?

I’ll end with this: David and I recently wrote a pilot script we had sold to a cable network. David is currently a fulltime professor at USC, has a number of outside TV projects; I have my play, books, blog, directing, radio projects. We hadn’t written a script together in well over a year. And yet, when we began it was like we had just finished our last script the day before. The pace and shorthand we have developed with each other fell right back into place. We had a great time writing the script. No matter how many other projects I have, there’s no way I’m giving up that process. That’s the fun part.

Scenes I'd like to see

Cellphones are a writers’ best friend and worst enemy. Now it’s so much easier for characters to contact other characters. If you want someone to know something you can convey it wherever he is. That’s the good news. The bad news is that people talking to each other on the phone is static and not very interesting to watch. And thanks to cellphones we do it more now than ever. In fact, it’s worse. People now communicate via texting. That’s really dynamic to watch – two people in different locations tapping phones with their thumbs.

So it only stands to reason that show producers take a little creative license to find ways of getting people to confront each other in person and not just on their devices. And let me say that I too have been guilty of this. On several occasions on CHEERS we would have somebody come from the airport directly to the bar to see Frasier or Diane or whoever. They wouldn’t check into the hotel first, then call the bar to make sure the person is even there before grabbing a cab and barreling across a town they don't know?

So I’m hyper aware of the convention. Nowhere is it used more often and more glaring than on SUITS. Now I love SUITS. It’s one of my favorite shows. And one of the many things I like about it is how sleek and cool the show looks. And they understand that face-to-face confrontations are way more compelling than phone spats. But in a world where people lock themselves in their office and talk to everyone by phone (including their assistants only five feet away), how do you get characters together? SUITS does it in a variety of ways and these are the scenes if they were to be played for real. If you’re not familiar with the show, Harvey (played brilliantly by Gabriel Macht) is a super-slick cocky lawyer and Mike (Patrick J. Adams) is his genius protégé. This season they are working at different firms and at odds with each other. These are typical conceits the series does:

EXT. STREET – MANHATTAN – DAY

In the heart of the skyscraper business district. Harvey gets out of a towncar. He crosses to the building where Mike intercepts him.

MIKE: Got a minute?

HARVEY: What are you doing here?

MIKE: We need to talk.

HARVEY: You couldn’t phone me?

MIKE: I wanted to do it face-to-face.

HARVEY: You couldn’t make an appointment?

MIKE: I wanted to do it now.

HARVEY: How long have you been waiting?

MIKE: 45 minutes.

HARVEY: You don’t have better things to do with your time?

MIKE: I do but I wanted to get this out of the way.

HARVEY: What did you do for the last 45 minutes?

MIKE: I just stood here, sent a few texts.

HARVEY: Building security didn’t find it odd that some guy was just loitering outside the building?

MIKE: Well, I got a cup of coffee from the corner.

HARVEY: So you left your post?

MIKE: Well, yeah, for maybe two minutes.

HARVEY: What would have happened if I just arrived during those two-minutes? Would you have stood out here all day?

MIKE:  I would’ve just waited and caught you when you left.

HARVEY: So you’d stand out here for another ten hours? Boy, your clients sure get their money’s worth when they’re billed by you.

MIKE: Will you let me talk?

HARVEY: What if I said, “I’m busy. I really can’t now. Call me.”

MIKE: Harvey!! Jesus!

HARVEY: Alright. Fine. What is it?

MIKE: My client is going forward with the lawsuit.

HARVEY: (AFTER A BEAT) That’s it?

MIKE: Pretty much. So I’ll see you in court.

HARVEY: You couldn’t text that? (TAPPING HIS PHONE) “My client is going forward with the lawsuit.” Yep. It can be done.

MIKE: I wanted to see the look on your face.

HARVEY: They also have this thing called “Face Time” now.

MIKE: Okay. I left my wallet at home and the office is 25 blocks away. Could I borrow a few bucks or your Metro card?

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. MIKE’S OFFICE – NIGHT

The skyline of the city is behind him as he works at his desk late into the night. He’s the only one on the floor. Harvey taps on the door.

HARVEY: Got a minute?

MIKE: What are you doing here?

HARVEY: I need to talk to you.

MIKE: How did you know I was here?

HARVEY: I waited outside the building for three hours and you never came out.

MIKE: How’s you get past building security?

HARVEY: The guard was drunk and asleep.

MIKE: Okay. That I buy.

HARVEY: So here’s the deal…

MIKE; How’d you get in the elevator? There’s a key after business hours.

HARVEY: I waited until someone else who had a key came along and shared the elevator with him.

MIKE: How long did you wait for him?

HARVEY: Another hour.

MIKE: The guard never woke up?

HARVEY: He could be dead. I didn’t check.

MIKE: The firm is locked. How’d you get in?

HARVEY: I promised the cleaning lady a car.

MIKE: Why didn’t you just call?

HARVEY: It was after 9. I didn’t want to be rude.

MIKE: So what do you want?

HARVEY: Nah, It can wait until tomorrow.

MIKE: No. You’re here already. What is it?

HARVEY: My client won’t be bullied.

MIKE: (AFTER A BEAT) And…?

HARVEY: That’s it. My client won’t be bullied.

There’s a knock at the door. It’s Alicia Florrick.

ALICIA: Mike Ross?

MIKE: Yes. Who are you?

ALICIA: Alicia Florrick. I just flew in from Chicago and thought I’d come to this empty office building at midnight to see if you were here.

MIKE: I am. So what do you need?

ALICIA: Do you know how to get to the Wellington Hotel?

FADE OUT.

Our spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW

Yesterday I discussed the process David Isaacs and I employed to come up with the story for our MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW spec.  Too bad I didn't have the dream that I shared last week.  That was better than what we did come up with.  But in those days I was too busy dreaming about unattainable women.   This is the story what we arrived at:

In the first scene we’re in the WJM newsroom. We establish that Murray is unhappy and unappreciated. Things get worse when Lou comes out of his office and chews Murray out for something. Things escalate. An uncomfortable Mary is in the middle trying to be the peacemaker. Laughs ensue. Murray mentions that a rival channel has an opening and Lou tells him fine, go for it.

Murray comes in the next day and hands in his resignation. He got the job. Mary is sad to see him go. Murray takes the opportunity to let Ted have it.

A few days later. Lou is interviewing candidates for Murray’s job. Fun with goofy applicants. Mary meanwhile, is trying to do her job and Murray’s job and is frazzled. We give Mary a chance to really show off her physical comedy chops.

We go to Mary’s apartment that night. Murray enters. We learn he’s miserable in the new job. Act break.

Act Two: Continuous. Mary’s apartment. Murray wants his old job back but felt he burned his brdge with Lou. Asks Mary to talk to Lou for him. Mary is uncomfortable being in that position but agrees to accompany Murray.

Next day. Lou is in his office. A sheepish Murray enters the newsroom. Mary knocks on Lou’s door. He says come in and they enter to find both Lou and Ted. So now Murray has to try get his job back in front of Ted to make things even more humiliating. Murray is tongue-tied and Mary winds up doing most of the talking. It results in negotiations and Mary becomes a tough bargainer on behalf of Murray. He keeps wanting to say I’ll take it but she says no, hold out. It’s ultimately resolved and everybody’s happy. Some tag I now forget and that’s it.

It felt like a good story for them. It centered on their characters and put Mary in the middle. We tried to construct it so that the jokes could come out of the characters and the tough situations we put them in.

A couple of months later we saw that they did a similar story. Murray was unhappy and decided to leave. But here’s what they did different: Instead of going to a rival station, Murray went to work for Sue Ann. There’s a scene where Mary and Lou go down to Sue Ann’s set and see first-hand that this new job is sheer hilarity hell. (Great moment where Lou punches out a puppet.) Mary then helps Murray get his newswriting job back and the story again resembled ours.

But we learned a great lesson. They took the same premise and did it better. They SHOWED Murray in the nightmarish new job. We just had him talk about it. Always better to see rather than to have off-camera exposition.

No wonder a different writer's name is on the screen instead of ours. 

Our UCLA experimental school writing teacher Crazy Ron had a MARY TYLER MOORE night. Four of us had MTM specs and he read them all aloud. Two were God awful, ours and one other were very well received. We asked the girl who wrote the other good one how long it took her to write it. Two years. Okay, she was no competition.

So armed with a script that had been well-received (by fifteen writing students) we set out to conquer Hollywood. Stay tuned for future installments.

Writing our first real script

Here’s another chapter on how David Isaacs and I began our ersatz career. In the last installment I explained how we wrote a pilot together despite neither of us having the faintest idea how to do that. You can read that post here. To the surprise of no one (even us) the pilot didn’t sell.

But it did attract the attention of an agent at a very small firm. Okay, it was just her and a telephone. And okay, it attracted her attention because David knew her daughter. But she agreed to take us on and claimed she knew people in the business. We didn’t bother asking who. It’s not like we had any other options.

We decided to take a writing class at UCLA extension. Wait, it was the UCLA experimental school, which is probably one step down from extension. Our teacher was a real character. We’ll call him Ron. He claimed he had written for BARNEY MILLER and quite a few variety shows. He was particularly proud of his comedic contribution to CHER. Those were the days before imdb. Years later when we did check all the BARNEY MILLER credits and his name wasn’t listed he said he ghost wrote the episodes. Uh huh. The thing is – if you’re going to lie, why lie and say you wrote for Cher?

Anyway, he really made his living playing in a high-stakes weekly celebrity poker game.

But his class was very valuable. We learned we had to write spec scripts from existing shows. David and I were both huge fans of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW so that’s the one we decided to write.

Ron wasn’t big on really “teaching”. If you had a spec script he would read it aloud and then we’d all critique it, which was valuable… but only up to a point.

THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW was on CBS Saturday nights at 9. Believe it or not, Saturday night used to be a big night for television. Now it’s a dumping ground for reruns or burning off UGLY BETTY episodes.

Since David and I basically had no social life we got together every Saturday night, held a small microphone up to the TV and recorded on a Radio Shack cassette recorder that night’s episode of MTM. We’d then replay it several times, analyze it as best we could, and write a detailed outline. We did that maybe eight weeks in a row. And eventually patterns emerged. We figured out how they approached a story, how many scenes, the types of stories, the tone, etc.

We came up with a story of our own and were ready to write. Tomorrow: that story.

Friday Questions

It’s Friday Question Day. I’m thinking of starting a restaurant -- TGIFridayQD. What do you think?

Dana Gabbard gets us started:

What should a newcomer look for in an agent? And what should raise alarm bells to avoid one?

I’ll answer the second part first. It’s hard for new writers to be choosy. Getting any agent is not easy. But if the agent wants money from you up front, if the agent wants you to take off your clothes, if the agent says he has an in on THE MUNSTERS, if his mailing address is Chino prison, or he’s not a WGA signatory I would avoid him.

Assuming you’re in the lucky position that more than one agent wants to represent you, see which one seems more eager, more willing to work for you. See which agent is more connected in the business, has the most contacts. See how many other clients he has. How much time will he have for you?

Get out your bullshit detector. Try to determine which agent is being more honest. Are his promises realistic? “I can get you in a room with the story editor of MODERN FAMILY” is realistic. “I can get you in a room with Spielberg” is not.

From David (not Isaacs):

Do you have a favorite Cheers season as a whole? One you think is the strongest from the first to last episode?

The first season. I would put the first season of CHEERS up against the best season of any sitcom. It’s rare that a first season would be the best. Usually a sitcom needs a season or two to really find its groove. But CHEERS had such great texture, sexual chemistry, and inspired writing by the Charles Brothers that it came out of the gate blazing.

Also, Shelley was amazing that season.

I remember being on the stage the night we shot the season finale – the episode where Sam & Diane finally kiss. The audience went absolutely insane. I turned to my partner David and said, “We’ve peaked. There’s nothing we can ever do with these characters that will elicit that kind of reaction again.”

I was right.

Some of the funniest and best individual episodes of the series took place in subsequent seasons but on the whole, nothing compared with year one. And of course, our ratings were never worse than they were year one.

Ironically, another show that I thought had its best season right at the very beginning of its long run was FRASIER.

Dawn Marie wants to know:

Have you ever done any DVD commentary tracks for any of your shows? And of course, if so which ones so I can rent them? Also, do you ever listen to DVD commentaries? What do you think of them, in general (given that the quality does vary)?

Yes, David and I did commentary tracks on our two SIMPSONS episodes – “Dancin’ Homer” and “Saturdays of Thunder”. Both are rent or buyable.

I listen to DVD commentaries sometimes but rarely find them insightful. Usually they’re just directors pointing out exactly what you’re seeing. “There I thought he should duck behind that car.” Wow! Who needs film school? Actor tracks tend to be the worst. They just joke around with each other, offering nothing, and you making you feel excluded.

You guys tell me, what are some great director commentary tracks?

And finally, two questions from Timothy:

First, whats the deal with the unseen announcer on MASH? Why wasn't it a regular character (like Radar or Klinger)? They even had those characters doing announcements from time to time.

The concept was taken from the movie. I think it just added to the strangeness of the place. I liked it actually.

My second question goes along with your failures theater. I recently stumbled across "The Fighting Nightingales", but could only find some archived reviews from obscure websites that told very little. Do you know anything more about it?

It was CBS and 20th’s attempt to do a female MASH. Sort of the like THE GIRL FROM UNCLE but with the Korean War. The Fighting Nightingales were MASH nurses. It starred large-breasted Adrienne Barbeau. Don’t remember her name on the show but if Alan Alda was “Hawkeye” she could have been “Twin Peaks”.

The pilot aired once and was a casualty of television war.

What’s your question?

My big announcement of the year!

I'm thrilled to announce that my new play, A OR B? will be part of the 2014-2015 subscription series of the Falcon Theatre in Burbank.  Owned by Garry Marshall, this is one of the nicest and most respected theatres in Southern California.   The whole season looks great actually.   

And here's the blurb about my play:

I have to say, this is a big step up for me as a playwright.  My first production was in a war zone in LA on the second floor above a pizza parlor.    My friends wanted to see it but all turned back at La Brea. 

My second production was over a bowling alley (I kid you not).  Nothing is more ideal for comedy than crashing pins all night.  Plus, there was a Jerry's Deli attached.  Going to the war zone production was far safer than a post-theatre snack at Jerry's. 

As the ad says, A OR B? is a romantic comedy exploring both personal and professional relationships from many angles.   If I did my job right, it's both funny and a heartbreaking -- y'know, like love REALLY is. 

For ticket information and more details, here's where you go.    And to be put on the Falcon email list, where you get all kinds of great scoops, you sign up here. 

We start rehearsals in the fall and I'll keep you up to date on the process and progress.  But most of all, I'd love for you to come see the play.   Who knows?  Someday I may be at the Tony's and some snarky blogger will take gratuitous shots at me.   The theater is about dreaming. 

At some point you've got to be a WRITER

A writer is hired to write a comedy pilot. He is paid a lot of money. More than a regular script. But pilots are much tougher. You have to establish the premise, introduce the characters, set the comic tone, lay in a good story, give an indication of where the series might be going, seamlessly work in all the network and studio notes, and be hilariously funny – all in 22 minutes. It’s not for the faint of heart. But like I said, pilot writers are well compensated.

And if their pilot gets on the air and becomes a hit they see weekly “created by” royalties and often own a piece of the show in syndication.

Now let’s say the pilot script has been greenlit. And it’s a multi-camera sitcom. Here’s the typical process for that genre: The script is rehearsed every day followed by a runthrough. The showrunner and his staff go back to the room and do the necessary rewriting, often staying late into the night because a new script must be on the stage the next morning at 9:00. And you think Jack Bauer faces pressure. But there is a staff. The showrunner doesn’t have to do it himself.

Same is true for a pilot, except the stakes are way higher and there is no staff. It’s just the guy who wrote the pilot. Understandably, he could use some help at this point. Back in the fabulous ‘80s there was money budgeted for other writers to come in and help out. I think I lived for two years on failed Cheech Marin pilots alone.

Studios stopped paying consultants. So the pilot writer would ask his writer friends to help out as a favor. Instead of big paydays we would get lovely gifts. For years this system has been in place. I’ve helped out on many a pilot and when I’ve had a pilot myself I’ve been able to call in one helluva cavalry. I’m still more than happy to come in and pitch deep into the night if a friend has a pilot on the stage.

But a new trend has emerged. Pilot writers have begun to ask friends to come in and help punch up the script before it goes to the studio and network. To me, this is taking advantage. It’s one thing to help out during actual production when it’s crunch time, but the pilot writer is being paid a bundle and I’m supposed to help write the script for an iPad Mini? And not even the model that gets 3G?

On the one hand, it puts me in an awkward position. I don’t want to be an asshole and say no, but at the same time I resent being put in that position. I’ve said yes once or twice in the past. From now on it’s no.

Also, isn’t this practice somewhat unethical? If I’m a network and I receive a script with your name on it, it’s fair to assume this represents your work. My decision as to whether to make the pilot could be based on my faith that you can deliver scripts of this caliber every week should I pick up your show. But if all the best jokes and nice moments and inventive story turns were written by a ghost staff, I’m basing my decision on false pretenses.

And lastly, where’s the original writer’s pride of authorship? If you don’t believe in your work and stand by your work, why are you taking the money?

One writer friend was asked to help out on a first draft and arrived to find ten other people also sitting there. The pilot writer then tried to send groups of them off into separate rooms to rewrite the scenes. Unconscionable! My friend balked, as well he should.

There is such an overlay of fear in the business these days. It governs almost every decision. A pilot going into production used to begin with a table read where the cast sat around a table and read the script aloud. Now studios are so afraid of the network’s reaction that they have pre-table reads. And pre-pre table reads. Similarly, networks must approve everything, from the wardrobe to set dressing to actors who have only one line. Experienced showrunners can’t be trusted to pick out a lamp.

And this paralyzing fear has now filtered down to writers… and some studios that encourage this practice of assembling back up writers. I’m sure they reason that other pilots are doing it so they need to do it as well to compete. To that I say ‘so what?’ I can’t control the competition. I have no idea what sweetheart deals have been made or which projects will get priority based on relationships. All I can do is turn out the best script I possibly can. It may not go but at least I can sleep at night.

James L. Brooks has a great line. “At some point you’ve got to become a WRITER.”   The first draft is the only time the writer truly has command over his project.  Don't give that up.  Own it.   Or give me $50,000 for the day and I'll be the writer.