Bonus questions

One of my resolutions every year is to answer more Friday Questions. So I’m going to sneak in a bonus day of them.  I'm really on top of this resolution -- it being February and all.

Charles H. Bryan starts us off:

Ken, for the holiday season and because it's free with Amazon Prime, I just downloaded the first season of The Twilight Zone. All 39 episodes. My Friday Question is: How the hell did they make 39 episodes of a show in one year? Doesn't that just seem insane by today's standards? Sure, one could argue that a lot of those shows back then weren't that good, but this is also the time of some classics (e.g., I LOVE LUCY - 35 eps its first season, PHIL SILVERS - avg 35 eps/4 seasons). This was well before the widespread industry-mandated use of cocaine. How did they do it? Just coffee? Really strong coffee?

And it’s worse. Writing staffs were very small back then. Usually no more than four and often fewer. I want to check myself into a hospital just thinking about it.  

The hard part of course, was coming up with stories. 22 is a bitch, much less 39. Call the ambulance.

The difference is -- especially on multi-camera shows -- they didn’t rewrite nearly as much as we did in later years. Starting in the ‘70s there was extensive rewriting that went on in multi-cam shows. After every day’s rehearsal the staff would go back and continue to tinker with the script. Not so when they were cranking out 39. After maybe a rewrite following the table reading, the script was pretty much locked.

When we made MASH, we produced 25 episodes in six months. Today, single-camera shows take eight or nine months to churn out that many. The key for us was preparation. We spent months in pre-production preparing scripts because we knew that once the actors arrived and cameras started rolling, things got insane.

Still, I can’t imagine having to come up with 39 stories a season. If you look back at THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW, truly a television classic, you’ll see that in the last season they pretty much redid a few episodes from the first season. Things got that bad.

You had to be incredibly prolific. But I think even Aaron Sorkin would have trouble cranking out 39 episodes a year. Seriously, I’m calling 911.

Kensi Blonde asks:

Would you be able to have such a flagrantly promiscuous character like Sam today? And I realize that pregnancy scares are hard to plumb for laughs, but how does he sleep with "four honeys" (just by season 1) and no one gets knocked up?? Ah, sitcom land...

He used protection. And we only had him sleep with women who were on the pill.

But to answer your question, not only could you still have promiscuous men on sitcoms today (Charlie Harper on TWO AND A HALF MEN slept with four honeys a show), you also could have promiscuous women. Amy Schumer has made a career out of playing that character. Not to mention the shenanigans that go on with the sluts in 2 BROKE GIRLS.

I’d also add CALIFORICATION, but the fact that he was a “writer” who got all that action, that was so completely absurd it doesn’t count.

From Liggie:

With the recent conversation on live TV, Ken, I'd like your thoughts on the format of Neil Patrick Harris' recent variety show, "Best Time Ever". When I first heard of him doing variety, I thought it would be a callback to the '70s shows like Carol Burnett, Flip Wilson, Donny & Marie: rotating guests, comedy sketches with recurring characters, musical numbers, a big-production finale. So I was intrigued that Harris eschewed most of that in favor of games with the studio audience (and home viewers), hidden camera events, celebrities surprising audience members, just one set-piece number per show, and a live format. Is this a good way to maintain the variety genre and leave the classic format in the past? (Just the format of "Best Time Ever"; as opinions on its actual quality are divided, let's save that discussion for another time.)

People don’t want variety. Not anymore. If they want game shows they find game shows. There are “Punked” hidden camera shows. You Tube provides thousands of production numbers from various TV, movie, and Broadway shows.

Audiences have no patience for sitting through something they don’t like knowing something they do might be around the corner. Being all things to all people is unfortunately serving no one.

THE BEST TIME EVER was cancelled by NBC. No new variety series are in development.

And finally, from Rashad Khan:

How do you (and Mr. Isaacs) find the "perfect" writers to join your writing staff? Is there an initial interview -- and if so, what sort of questions do you ask to determine whether he or she would be a good fit for you and your show?

Believe me, it’s an inexact science. We read material first. Then interview them. We don’t have specific questions. We’re really just trying to determine their personality, whether they’d be fun to be stuck in a room with for 90 hours a week, whether their sensibility jibes with ours, questions about their background, etc.

After that we might call a few writers who they worked for and get their assessment. And then, like I said, it’s a crapshoot. We’ve made some inspired choices down through the years and some horrible ones.

For young writers going on these interviews, I recommend you just be yourself. Try to relax as much as you can. Be enthusiastic but don’t try to sell yourself too hard. Just have fun with the meeting. Look, you’re either going to get the job or not. And often when you don’t it’s because of circumstances beyond your control. So don’t put any unnecessary pressure on yourself.

What’s your Friday Question? Maybe I’ll even answer it on a Friday. Thanks.

In appreciation of Bob & Ray

Readers of a certain age will not know who Bob & Ray are. That age may be 50 and below. But they’re names that everybody who loves comedy should know. They were brilliant.

Bob Elliott & Ray Goulding were a comedy team that worked primarily in radio but also did TV and a little Broadway.

Bob Elliott passed away last week. He was 92. For my younger readers, he was Chris Elliott’s father.

Bob & Ray were absolute masters of comic timing. They would deliver the most outrageously absurd material completely deadpan.

They would take turns being the straight man, they would conduct ridiculous interviews, do soap operas and movie parodies, and pitch goofy products. Among those fictional items: the Monongahela Metal Foundry (“Steel ingots cast with the housewife in mind”), Height Watchers International, and of course, Einbinder Flypaper (“The flypaper you’ve gradually grown to trust over the course of three generations”).

Their material could be very broad, but they always performed them deadly serious, which only made them funnier. And they could be incredibly subtle. One of Bob Elliott’s most famous characters was correspondent Wally Ballou. Whenever they would throw it to him to conduct an interview he always came in a split-second late. So he would announce himself as “..ally Ballou here.”

At this point I need to take a moment to also acknowledge that many of their inspired bits were written by Tom Koch. Gotta give credit to the writer.

I had the pleasure to work with Bob Elliott once. It was 1999 and I was directing an NBC sitcom in New York called LATELINE (starring now-senator, Al Franken). We used Bob to do his Wally Ballou character as a voice over. I got to spend the lunch break with him and then ushered him onto the stage to record his part. I announced to everybody that we had a very special guest in the studio, Bob from Bob & Ray. Most of the crew was young and had no idea who he was. He received a tepid smattering of applause at best. Bob turned to me and said, “Fifty years in show business and it was worth it all for this one moment.” Here’s a photo of me and Bob – this was during the Cosby sweater era. (I now hate him for that too.)

From the ‘50s through the ‘70s Bob & Ray were a mainstay on New York radio and on national radio. During the early days of television they also had a network TV show. And they were spokesmen for several national products. Over the years they appeared on many TV variety shows from ED SULLIVAN to SNL, and even had a Broadway run performing their understated silliness to SRO crowds.

What’s amazing is that even though some of their bits are fifty and sixty years old, they still hold up.

Thanks to the internet, I don’t have to describe their bits. I can let you hear for yourself. Here are just a few of the classic routines from Bob & Ray. As many of you know, I’m a radio freak. And I just revere these gentlemen.

If you would like to read more about Bob & Ray, there is a sensational biography of them called BOB & RAY, KEENER THAN MOST PERSONS by David Pollock.

Here now are some classic, BOB & RAY routines. Especially if you aren’t familiar with them or their brand of humor, I’d love to hear what you think after listening. Thanks.

How they shot GREASE LIVE

Last week I posted an extraordinary video – a dance number from GREASE LIVE along with the control room. You heard associate director, Carrie Havel call out the shots. The timing and precision was amazing. Even if you’ve seen it, I invite you to watch it again. It will make today’s post even more meaningful.

I was able to get in touch with Carrie and interview her about that experience. There are so many truly gifted artists who work behind-the-scenes and it’s great to be able to shine the spotlight on one. So here we go…

Me: So have you recovered from GREASE LIVE?

Carrie: (laughs) A lot of friends asked which island I was going to? Actually I had to get up early and fly to New York the next day. I’m working on COMEDY KNOCKOUT for TruTV out here.

Me: Considering what you do, I could see you becoming an air traffic controller just to unwind and relax. Let’s talk about you first and then the role of the director (Alex Rudzinski). It sounded like you had your shots pre-set in order. But instead of just calling them out, you called out beats, numbers of bars, etc. Why?

C: This is a style that’s popular in Great Britain.

Me: And lots of British variety/reality shows came across the pond like DANCING WITH THE STARS, AMERICAN IDOL, AMERICA'S GOT TALENT (obviously not with those titles), and with them their directors.  But still, why that style?

C: Dance numbers require such precision and counting out the beats allows us to get that precise.

Me: Gotcha.  Okay, so the first step of the process?

C: I break down the music into all the beats and bars. Each measure of music is a bar. Standard time is 4-4, 4 beats to a bar. For the most part the music in GREASE was pretty standard. Usually I count each beat, but when we hold for like five bars I just count the bars. People who are used to it just know the cadence and it makes sense.

Me: Who taught you how to do that?

C: Kate Moran, who had been an associate director in England came over here to do DANCING WITH THE STARS and taught me. It’s not a very commonplace skill.

Me: I’m sure I could learn it in a hundred years. But that’s only because I’ve been a director and have a head start. When I block multi-camera sitcoms we have a camera blocking day. Stand-ins walk through the blocking and stop move by move allowing me to assign camera angles and the operators to frame and adjust. You can’t do that with a complicated dance number. You can’t ask a dancer to hold in mid-air while we frame up.

C: No. We shot a wide master. The camera crew didn’t even come on until January 21st. (the show aired January 31st). Then Alex went through it with the choreographer and stage director. “Here’s where we should highlight… here’s where we should push in”…etc. In order to accommodate his vision sometimes they had to move a certain moment more downstage right, that sort of thing. Everything had to work for the dance as well as the camera.

Alex then made out a shot list and each camera was given his assignment. The cameraman jotted them down on a card. Each shot had a number, description of the camera move and number of beats and bars… like “two bars and one beat.”

We then had only three days of full rehearsal. There was no time to commit anything to memory because it kept changing. That’s why you’ll hear A and B or we’ll go from shot 9 to 11.

Me: So you’ll add shots and call them A and B and drop shots, keeping the rest of the shots numbers in tact (as we writers do in scripts during production).

C: Alex is tweaking all the time. We shoot every pass. He’ll then say, “add two beats on shot 11.” You can’t memorize. You just have to feel the music and read the script.

Me: Are you watching the monitors at all during the broadcast?

C: No. My head is buried in the script. If you look up you lose your place. However, I sometimes catch what’s going on out of the corner of my eye. During dialogue scenes I can look up.

Me: What happens if you get lost and lose your place? God forbid you sneeze.

C: You try to get back on track. Usually I cue off the lyrics. But for “Hand Jive” there are 2 ½ minutes with no lyrics. If I was lost I’d have no way of just getting back in. But the Technical Director is a fail safe. He transfers all the shots to a beat shot. He could pick it back up.

Me: What happens if there’s a screw up?

C: If we were to lose a camera or lose the signal, at that point Alex would make changes on the fly and I would just continue to count beats. In the final sequence of “We Go Together” the timing was never going to be precise because of driving in the golf cart. So Alex called it on the fly. I kept counting, he went off book, and eventually we met up and were back on book.

Me: Talk about the first time you ever did a show like this.

C: It was a taped show. Fortunately, it went well and gave me the confidence that I could do this.

Me: You prefer live?

C: Oh yes. Live multi-cam is the most exciting. There’s not that adrenaline with taped shows.

Me: How’d you break in?

C: Kate Moran was doing AMERICA’S GOT TALENT and DANCING WITH THE STARS. Once DANCING WITH THE STARS went to twice a year I filled in.

Me: Watching on the west coast, GREASE LIVE seemed pretty smooth. Any craziness behind-the-scenes?

C: The east coast lost sound for twenty seconds. Fortunately, I could hear the music in the control room and the actors on stage could hear the music so we just kept going. We switched to a backup for that act.

Me: I imagine there’s a backup for everything. You probably taped an entire rehearsal just in case a meteor fell on the soundstage during the broadcast.

C: Absolutely.

Me: You staged this on the Warner Brothers lot. How about the outside number? Did the rain throw you?

C: No. We prepared for the rain. We had full umbrella rehearsals. What we couldn’t prepare for was the wind. At times it was 35 mph. When the wind started slapping at the sides of the tent, they had to take the sides off. If the winds didn’t die down they were not allowing anyone to be under the tent. We were ready to go to our backup. But 20 minutes before, the winds died down and we got the go-ahead. We shot as originally planned.

Me: I’m on my fourth Xanex just listening to this. How did you have the forethought to record the control room during the broadcast?

C: I will tape the control room video. I also teach and that is a great tool. Alex said, “Oh, you have a nice social media moment.”

Me: Well, congratulations. Of all the live TV musicals of late, GREASE LIVE was actually “good.” People sinerely “liked” it. They weren’t watching to see a trainwreck like PETER PAN. Or maybe they were but were pleasantly surprised when it turned out to be fantastic. Good call not casting Christopher Walken as Danny Zuko.

C: Having a live audience was really key. All of the others were done on big soundstages in New York.

Me: Performers definitely feed off the energy of a live audience, and stage musicals were designed to be performed before an audience. But I think Fox chose the perfect musical and the perfect production team. Again, congratulations.

C: Thanks so much.

 Fox will re-air GREASE LIVE on Easter Sunday. And you can see it on the Fox app and probably eighteen streaming services. Thanks to Carrie Havel. Wish she had done the Super Bowl halftime show.

The Super Bowl and Super Bowl commercials

Super Bowl 50 is history. During the game I decided to live tweet. This is the kind of crap I write on Twitter. You’re welcome to follow me. Here are my most liked and re-tweeted tweets. Most are about the commercials because, well… the game pretty much sucked (unless you were a Broncos fan, and even then). Some of these will make no sense if you weren’t watching the game. In those cases please just assume they were amusing.

Trending: I hate Joe Buck -- even though he's not doing the game and the game hasn't even started.

If the Super Bowl were on Fox, Seth MacFarlane would be singing America the Beautiful.

Nantz: Temperature 76 BUT there are breezes. I hate Joe Buck.

A white guy singing the Jefferson's Theme? I'm boycotting the Oscars.

New drinking game: commercials with bears.

Must there be an animal in every commercial?

No commercial for CONCUSSION so far.

Finally! A talking razor!

Mortgage by phone -- see THE BIG SHORT at a theater near you.

Amy Schumer stole her material from Spuds McKenzie.

Best part of the super bowl -- pitchers and catchers report in about a week.

This is where you ask "what would Pete Carroll do?"

Is there ever NECESSARY roughness?

That's a hospital with all beautiful people. CODE BLACK. For when the Kardashians need an ER.

During half-time, which was billed as celebrating the old, now, and future.

Since the game is on CBS I'm surprised Julie Chen isn't part of the halftime panel.

It's not the Orange Bowl halftime show but it's getting there. They just need floats.

Love Bruno Mars. He can do anything. Sing in a gold suit. Sing in a black suit.

I'd let Bruno receive kickoffs. He can bust some moves.

There's the old. Music acts for the CBS audience.

They should re-show the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction.

Alec Baldwin is the next William Shatner.

LOVED the halftime show. I feel guilty I'm drinking a Coke.

More pie charts!

When Graham Gano missed a key field goal:

Hook 'em Gano.

So I'm eating Doritos, watching the commercial and thinking, "Am I eating dog food?"

Death Wish coffee and diarrhea medicine within two commercial breaks. Bring back the Bud Bowl.

El Nino just caused another turnover.

Two more commercials with cute animals. I hate Joe Buck.

Highlight of the third quarter: singing sheep.

The sheep sang better than the super bowl babies.

I'm more upset that this is the last year for THE GOOD WIFE than Peyton Manning.

My vote for MVP: that spastic colon character in the diarrhea commercial.

A thrilling finish could lift this super bowl all the way up to mediocre.

Hey, Carolina. According to Donald Trump, finishing second is as good as winning. So congratulations.

Maybe Jim Nantz's newborn son Jamison will become a sportscaster so people can tweet "I hate Jamison Nantz."

On to baseball! This was more fun than live tweeting DOWNTON ABBEY. Thanks for following!

I will be Super Bowl live tweeting

Since no one invited me to a Super Bowl party, I plan on just staying home and watching the game myself.  But what good is watching the Super Bowl if you can't make snarky comments?  So assuming my internet or cable doesn't crap out, I will be live tweeting throughout the game.  If you're not following me, now's your chance.   @KenLevine.  

The "lost" CHEERS scene

A yearly tradition...

For several years I've been talking about the "Lost" CHEERS scene. David and I wrote it for the 1983 Super Bowl Pre-game show to promote our fledgling series. They ran it just before game time and it was seen by 80,000,000 people. Nothing we've ever written before or since has been seen by that many eyeballs at one time. But the scene was never repeated. It never appeared on any DVD's. It just disappeared.

Until a couple of years ago.

Sportswriter supreme, Joe Resnick has taped every Super Bowl including that one. And since the scene aired so close to the game, it was on the tape. Thanks to friend of the blog, Howard Hoffman, he was able to digitize it and post it on YouTube.  Here's the text of the scene.

So here it is. The Super Bowl is next.

Writing advice you might not want to hear

Since I can't think of an appropriate photo...

I'm currently teaching a graduate seminar in pilot writing at UCLA.  My students will have to write a pilot for the course.   We're now at the outline stage.   So I thought it would be a good time to reprise a post I wrote four or five years ago answering a Friday Question on the subject.  It’s from Chad (even though he admits that that is not his real name).  

My question is about crafting and selling scripts. You mention that story credit goes to the person who submits the episode outline. I realize this is a necessary part of the process in getting each story told...but I'm not really an outline kind of writer. I jot down some relevant notes/lines/jokes and then head into the first draft, which is where the story really takes shape. Writing the entire story in advance always throws me off because I know that when I get in the groove, it's gonna shift directions easily. So the basic question is, is this practice frowned upon and if so what's your advice on how to amend it?

Chad (or whoever you are) – how can I say this nicely? If you want a career writing for television throw out that shit and become an “outline kind of writer”. Outlines are mandatory.

Let me walk you through the process.

First off, you only have a limited amount of time to tell your story. And you have to tell another story next week. And the week after, and the week after that. You have no time for seeing where the Muse might want to take you.

TV episodes are highly structured. As a showrunner, this is my method and thinking:

Working with the staff, we arrive at a notion we feel would make a good story. We then construct the beats – usually not in a linear way (first this happens, then this, then this, then that, the end). I want to know the act breaks first. I want to know the ending. I want to know where the fun of the story is. I want to know the characters' attitudes.  Then we work back from there and fill in the rest.

Then we revise. Is there a better act break? Is there a more inventive ending? Are we getting the most bang for our buck comedy-wise? Is the show too plot driven? Are all the characters well served? Does part of the story work but part still feel undercooked?

In the interest of efficiency and good story telling, I make sure all these questions are answered before someone goes off to write the draft.

Once we’re all happy with the story I ask the writer to give me an outline. Each show is different but I like detailed outlines. 8-12 pages, complete with a lot of suggested jokes.

I give the writer notes on the outline. Sometimes minor, sometimes throwing out whole sections or subplots. If the story changes significantly I request a new outline.

Once the outline has been approved then the writer goes off and does the first draft. Usually under time constraints. But he’s got the story all worked out, the block comedy scenes all in place, and a lot of good jokes.

When my partner and I set out to write an episode, even if we’re the showrunners, we take the time to write an outline for ourselves. We just don’t have the time to feel our way around blind alleys. We can’t count on finding “our groove”.

And now more than ever, outlines are mandatory. Because now stories have to be approved not only by showrunners but by the studio and network as well. I’m not saying that’s a good thing (in fact, it’s not) but hey, that’s the new reality.

I don’t know how Aaron Sorkin or David E. Kelley (pictured right) work. I know they’re very prolific and write scripts very quickly. I suspect they may not work off outlines as lengthy as ours but (a) they still work out the story in some detail first, and (b) they’ve been doing it for so long that they’ve developed internal mechanisms to guide any mid-course corrections. But that comes after years of experience and extraordinary God given talent.

Look, here’s the bottom line: constructing stories is the hardest part of the process. It’s much easier and more fun to just go off writing. So human nature would suggest that if you can skip the hard part why not do it?

Because that method is fraught with traps. It’s inefficient, it’s unreliable, and it’s not collaborative in an industry that is built on collaboration.

So my advice? Learn to outline, and more than that – accept the process. It’s here to stay. And you know what? It’s a bitch, but it works.

Friday Questions

I never stand down from answering Friday Questions, even on holidays. Today is Constitution Day in Mexico. Still, I’m here for you.

YEKIMI asks:

In the later seasons of M*A*S*H* it seems that Klinger just suddenly stopped wearing dresses in an attempt to get out of the Army. Was this because of a pushback by certain segments of society or did they just decide they had gone as far as they could with the joke? Or was Jamie Farr getting tired of this plot device?

This started season eight, the year David Isaacs and I left the show. By that time we had gone through every dress in the 20th Century Fox wardrobe department.

The feeling was that that bit had been done to death. I wasn’t part of that decision but I whole-hardheartedly supported it.

In season seven we were struggling with it and looked for alternate schemes to get Klinger out of the army. We had him dress as a businessman selling aluminum siding one week. We had him in furs during a heat wave another week. Clearly, we were reaching. How long can you keep whipping the same horse (meaning the bit, not Jamie)?

From Nick:

Under the new Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences rules regarding eligibility to vote - does this mean you are no longer eligible to vote Ken? I notice that according to IMDB you have two film credits from the 1980's and one from the 1990's. I don't mean this as a criticism - it just occurred to me that you might be one of the members caught by the change in the rules?

I was never “in” the Motion Picture Academy. You needed more credits than I had, you needed to be sponsored by a member. It was a very closed organization – and that was BEFORE they offered movie screeners.

It sounds like they’re changing the eligibility requirements to allow for more diversity. I don’t get involved. I just watch the Oscars and offer a snarky review.

Jeff :) wonders:

I've read on your blog several times that writers looking to break in to television writing need to submit two spec scripts, one of an existing show and one original. My question is about the original script. Are there any rules against adapting an existing piece of work? Is this frowned upon? Do you need the authors permission given that your script is more so a showcase of your writing talent as opposed to a legitimate script to be sold?

You absolutely need permission to adapt existing literary material. I believe there are some shows that allow for fan fiction, but play it safe. You’re playing with fire if you tinker with existing work without permission – not just from the author but whoever owns that literary property. It could be a studio, or a production company that’s optioned it. Tread very carefully, my friend.

Better that your original material be original from you. 

From Frank Beans:

How much does single vs. multi-camera production affect casting choices, if at all? I mean, are there different skill sets actors need to have to work in one format or the other more effectively, and do writers and producers take that into explicit consideration?

Theater-trained actors are obviously more comfortable doing multi-camera shows. And there are some actors who just don’t like performing in front of live audiences.

It depends on the actor and the role. Some actors are very interior. They talk softly; they emote through subtle expression changes. They tend not to thrive in multi-camera.

The only time I get nervous is if I have an actor who has never done multi-camera before. Some adjust better than others. But for the most part, there hasn’t been problems.

The truth is multi-camera sitcoms are the greatest gigs EVER for actors. They’re never on location. After every three weeks they get a week off. They never have 17 hour days. They never have to shoot all night. They hear their laughter and get applause. They’re off half the year, and they make a boatload of money. How sweet a deal is that?

Chris asks:

Curb Your Enthusiasm is, to my knowledge, the only series I know of which challenges another show's universe so explicitly. We watch Seinfeld, we assume it's a real universe, then Larry David comes along saying "that was actually a fictitious show, which I wrote, here's the reality, here's me and the real Jerry Seinfeld, not the character with the same name."

Have you ever seen THE BURNS & ALLEN SHOW? It hails from the very early days of television. That show not only had two universes, but they both existed within the same show. The characters went about their business as if they were in the real world. Series star, George Burns would go up to his office on occasion, break the fourth wall and talk to the audience, then – and this was the mind blower – turn on a television and watch everyone else as if they were in a sitcom that was airing but they didn’t know that. George would then go downstairs and interact with them. Freaky, no?

Everyone talks about trying to do sitcoms “out of the box” but the most original groundbreaking idea ever was done in 1950.

Here's an example. Just go to the 8:15 mark. Not only can George watch his show, he can watch other shows and interact with them. Check this out.

This is AMAZING! From GREASE LIVE

Carrie Havel was the Associate Director on GREASE LIVE.  This is what she posted on Facebook.  What you'll then see is the scene on the left and Carrie in the control room calling the shots on the right.  Remember, this is LIVE.  Truly incredible.

Here's what she posted.  Enjoy.

A lot of people have asked what it means to be the Associate Director on a show like Grease Live. Here's a peek behind the curtain. Every shot in the show was designed and scripted by our director Alex Rudzinski. My job was to execute that plan. You hear me calling shot numbers and camera moves carefully coordinated with the music. My head stays in the script and Alex, to my right, keeps an eye on cameras to adjust framing and pacing.

THE PEOPLE vs. O.J. SIMPSON: My verdict

What? What do you mean I have to wait until next week to see the second episode? What the hell? You mean I can’t just watch the whole series in one night?

How am I supposed to binge on one episode?

I guess I really liked the opening installment of THE PEOPLE VS. O.J. SIMPSON because I will be back next Tuesday to watch episode two.

The series benefits from terrific writers in Scott Alexander & Larry Karaszewski. They wrote ED WOOD, the Larry Flynt movie, BIG EYES, and the underrated Andy Kaufman story, MAN ON THE MOON (among others). They’re the A-list biopic guys, and trust me, those are not easy to do. Most biopics end up looking like cheesy Lifetime movies. For God sakes, Ozzie & Harriet got a TV biopic (and I’m sure many of you are saying, “Who are Ozzie & Harriet?”)

But Scott & Larry do exhaustive research and have a knack for presenting factual material in a compelling riveting way. And they find the madness and absurdities of their larger-than-life subjects which give their scripts a slightly surreal quality. Producer-director Ryan Murphy hired the perfect guys. There’s enough bizarre shit in this case to fill two mini-series and a Coen Brothers’ movie.

THE PEOPLE VS. O.J. SIMPSON has a cast of thousands (they weren’t kidding when they said the “people”). And casting is always key. I’ve only seen the premier (I still can’t get over not being able to see the whole thing at once – what are we, in the Stone Age?), but there appear to be some great performances.

Sterling K. Brown as Chris Darden is dead on. Courtney Vance kills as Johnnie Cochran, and it would be so easy to make that character a cartoon. I totally buy David Schwimmer as Robert Kardashian. And so far, Sarah Paulson, as Marcia Clark, steals the show. She’s the Meryl Streep of TV as far as I’m concerned.

On the other hand, Cuba Gooding Jr. as O.J. is a stretch for me. And I’ve read in pre-show hoopla that Ryan Murphy thought it was a major coup to get John Travolta to play Robert Shapiro but he is absolutely ridiculous. I haven’t seen such bad makeup since John Wayne played Genghis Khan in THE CONQUEROR. Every minute that Travolta is on the screen takes me out of the story. I keep wondering, is he wearing a rubber mask? Does the makeup person think he’s Arnold Schwarzenegger? Or Rocky Balboa?  Or someone from Fraggle Rock?

I love Travolta in the right thing (like PULP FICTION or GET SHORTY) but as Robert Shapiro? Puhhleeze. There are no Jews in this town who could play him? Yes, I know Travolta is a “name,” but get real – he was a name. I guarantee that any Millennial watching this mini-series who is not familiar with the OJ case will also have no clue who John Travolta is.

Oh well. At least Ryan Murphy didn’t get Lady Gaga to play Marcia Clark.

Those quibbles aside, THE PEOPLE VS. O.J. SIMPSON (Tuesday nights at 10 on FX) is off to a very promising start. When you can be completely engrossed in a ten-hour story in which you already know the ending, THAT’S filmmaking. Congratulations to all concerned.

Now if Robert Shapiro would just represent Steve Avery…

Back when TV was fun

Now that networks own most studios you have more corporate types running things, everyone answering to someone else even more corporate. But just as there used to be larger-than-life movie moguls back in the day, TV studios were once piloted by more colorful personalities.

They were blustery, opinionated, candid, and very savvy. Decisions were made on instinct not research. And they made quick decisions. You may not have liked their rulings, but I’ve always believed that the next best thing to a “Yes” is a quick “No.”

David Isaacs and I got to work with a few of these cigar chomping Foghorn Leghorns during our career. Maybe tops among them was Lee Rich. Rich had come from the MAD MEN world of NY advertising in the '50s and early '60s (he had a big hand in saving THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW from cancellation) and along with Merv Adelson (another interesting personality) had formed Lorimar Productions. We had a development deal with them for a couple of years. At the time Lorimar was riding high. They were the studio behind DALLAS and FALCON CREST.

Another thing about these small screen czars, they were great salesmen. And Lee was the best of the best. Whenever we went into a network to pitch a pilot we knew we were golden if Lee was in the meeting.

One of those meetings in particular stands out. We went to CBS to pitch a family show. Lee tagged along. He began the meeting by saying to the head of CBS programming, “In all my years, this is the best goddamn idea for a series I have ever heard. Ever!  And if you don’t buy it – right now, in the room – you are fucking idiots. You hear me? Fucking moron idiots! And if you don’t buy it, I’m calling NBC and we’ll have a sale by the end of the fucking day.”

Wow, we thought. Lee has never been this effusive before. We might just have a home run. So with that he turned it over to us, we pitched it, and CBS bought it on the spot.

As we were walking to the elevator Lee said, “Hey, you know what guys? You do have a pretty good idea there.”

That, ladies and gentleman, is a SALESMAN.

Who’s to say whether television was better back then? But it was sure a lot more fun.

Does Amy Schumer steal from other comedians?

If there is one cardinal rule that is broken all the time it is that comedians shouldn't steal material from other comedians.  Especially super successful ones.  I've had people steal my material.  I don't take kindly to it.  That's why whenever I review an awards show I always post it first thing the next morning before other reviews come in.  And for people on my email contact list, I send out my snarky review the minute it's done, shortly after midnight.

I don't want anyone saying I stole someone else's joke. 

Sometimes two people do come up with the same or similar joke.   Great minds think alike and all that shit.   On the other hand, I have taken radio people off my distribution list for stealing my reviews.  You know who you are.   Great minds don't think alike on ten straight jokes.

Personally, it used to drive me crazy when I was a disc jockey in the '70s.  Other jocks would tape my shows and use my material in their markets.  One time I tried to get a job in LA at a station and the program director accused me of stealing from one of his disc jockeys when in fact it was the other way around.   (That story has a happy ending and you can read about it here.)

But there's very little you can do about it, other than shame the guilty party.  

Now comes talk that Amy Schumer has lifted material from other comedians and writers.  This saddens me greatly.  I love Amy Schumer.   But the evidence is pretty damning.  Recently she went on Jim Norton's radio show on Sirius/XM to vehemently deny she ever knowingly stole any material.  But I found this video that compares Amy's bits with their originators.  Uh, quite a few coincidences.  See for yourself.

Part of the issue is that Amy is now the 800 pound gorilla.  And if a comic accuses her of stealing material that comic is viewed as just jealous.  That's been the case with comic Tammy Pescatelli.  She's the one who first cried foul.  And now she's getting blowback. 

I understand that Amy Schumer must generate a lot of material.  She has book deals, movies, her TV show, and concerts.  No matter how prolific you are that's a lot to ask.   But there's a solution --one where you never have to steal another joke.    You know what it is?

Hire writers.

If I wrote the next PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN movie

One of those PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN movies was on a cable channel yesterday afternoon.  For reasons I can't explain I watched it for five minutes.  Damn the NFL for not having playoffs this weekend!

The first one had charm but after that -- I don't know what the hell was going on.  Ten years ago I wrote a review of the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN movie out then and was completely baffled.  You can read that review here.  And now I see that they're making another PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN movie.  I think this is the 5th one.  Might be the 9th.  Anyway, here's what I imagine would be the scene if Disney had called me in to write it.

ME: After four movies and practically twelve hours, what pirate genre moment hasn’t been done?

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: The franchise is already getting extremely repetitious.

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: And what was once fresh is now just a series of clichés.

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME:  But you'll get terrible reviews.

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn't matter.

ME: No one can follow the story.

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: If this next installment is another prequel, hasn’t the audience already been told everything that’s going to happen?

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: And won’t the fans of the series feel cheated without Keira?

STUDO EXEC: It doesn’t matter.

ME: Well then, hell. What does matter?

STUDIO EXEC: We make $500 million and keep the lines long at Disneyland.  Nothing you've brought up will have any effect on that. 

ME:  Well, I'm an artist.  I have integrity.  I can't do this.

STUDIO EXEC:  Here's what I'd pay you.

(HE WRITES A NUMBER DOWN ON A SCRAP OF PAPER AND SHOWS IT TO ME.)

ME: I can have the screenplay for you in two weeks.

STUDIO EXEC:  There might be even more sequels involved.

ME:  It doesn't matter.

Help save internet radio.

Last Monday I ranted about music licensing companies charging small single-owner commercial free internet radio stations exorbitant new fees and how most of these hobby-only stations have been forced to close down.   There's a petition you can sign to try to overturn this unjust law and allow something this country used to have -- free enterprise.   Here's where you go.   Thanks.

Rare footage: Clint Eastwood getting the shit beaten out of him

Here's something you don't see every day -- someone beating the living crap out of Clint Eastwood. But James Garner, as the nattily dressed Maverick does just that. I imagine Clint said, "I don't care where you hit me, just don't touch the hair."

Friday Questions

Wrapping up the month with Friday Questions. What be yours?

David Goehner gets us started:

Can you or one of your "M*A*S*H" contacts find out if it was Wayne Rogers who does a P.A. voice-over at the military base in the 4th season opener where BJ Hunnicutt is introduced? I've long thought that this briefly-heard announcer sounded a lot like Wayne, and there have been a few speculations about this on some Internet sites in recent years. But can someone who was actually with the show give us the authentic details on this?

You are very astute. At the Kimpo airport the PA voice was indeed Wayne’s. Uncredited. Back at the 4077 we generally used Sal Viscuso. Todd Sussman also filled that role for a few years.

From Michael:

Can you discuss the process for casting single episode guest stars?

For example, how far in advance are they usually cast? Do they usually audition? If so, is an advance copy of the script for the audition used or an old script? Is the showrunner and/or network involved in the final casting decision for the larger roles?

Usually we’ll cast those parts the week before the show goes into production, but that varies with the circumstances.

There are times we’ll have someone in mind when we’re conceiving a story and will ask our Casting Director to check on his availability. Depending on the actor, we might even shuffle some scripts around to accommodate his availability. For example: If on MASH we wanted to use Colonel Flagg in an episode we would see when Edward Winter was available.

Sometimes, while writing a script, we will give the Casting Director a heads-up on what we’ll need, especially if it’s unusual. We’ll say for the first episode in the next cycle we’re going to need a Nordic lumberjack type who can speak Spanish.  We try to give them as much lead time as possible. 

Generally however, this is how it works: We’ll get with the Casting Director and describe the guest roles we have planned for next week. Shortly thereafter they’ll get a script. The Casting Director puts out the breakdown, puts together a list of people he/she thinks might be good, deals with agents, and generally audition anywhere from ten to thirty people for each role. They will then bring in who they believe to be the best five to read for us. We’ll either pick one or ask them to keep looking.

Now that last part of the process has changed. Today, you videotape those finalists and it’s the network that makes the ultimate decisions. Like they know better.

And it doesn’t stop there. Networks now select the actors who have one-line parts. If there’s a waiter who only says, “Ready to order?” the network doesn’t trust the showrunner to choose a decent actor. Only THEY can rule on that crucial decision. And they wonder why A-list talent has fled to Netflix.

Ricky wonders:

If you and David could go back to '95 and do ALMOST PERFECT again, is there anything you guys would do differently, knowing what you know now?

Yeah, take it to ABC or NBC instead of CBS. We were originally going to take it to ABC but they wanted to postpone our meeting for a month. So we took it to CBS and sold it in the room. The day after the pilot aired the president of ABC called saying he loved it and asked why we didn’t bring it to him. I thanked him and told him to check his datebook. I think if we were on ABC they would have been more behind the show. But that’s conjecture at best.

Otherwise, creatively -- no. I wouldn’t change a thing.

blinky asks:

Why do you think actors want to be directors not writers? Other than Alan Alda who did it all. Like Jerry Paris, Ron Howard and from Animal House James Widdoes and Stephen Furst. Is it like the arrow of time? It only goes one direction?

Actors are far more familiar with the process of directing than writing. They feel comfortable talking to other actors. I’m sure they’ve had many bad experiences with inept directors. Some probably see the handwriting on the wall vis a vis their acting future and figure this is a nice transition. And others just have a vision and yearn to be in the drivers’ seat.

But in fairness, there have been a lot of actors who pursue writing. Tracy Letts jumps to mind. Matt Damon & Ben Affleck won Oscars for writing GOOD WILL HUNTING (although William Goldman rewrote the crap out of it). Then there’s James Franco, Danny Strong, Jon Favreau, Emma Thompson, Sly Stallone, and Dan Futterman. On the comedy side, how about Carl Reiner, Rob Reiner, Elaine May, Steve Martin, Steve Carell, Jason Siegel, Seth Rogen, Ben Stiller, and Carrie Fisher?  And this is a partial list at best. 

And finally, from Bryan:

Okay, you're breaking a story and it's not clicking. Something about it just isn't working. How do you decide if what you've got is still salvageable or if you're better off just tossing it and starting fresh? Do you ever shelve ideas that aren't working and pull them out again later after you've figured out what the problem is?

Especially early in the process when we’re breaking stories, if we’re really struggling with it for a half hour or so we’ll often just move on. And yes, we do save the notions and sometimes we can retrieve them later. With some distance a solution may appear.

But often a story beat will lead to some other notion. It’s like driving a car through a maze. You hit a dead-end, you turn and go off in another direction. At the outset you need to allow yourself the freedom to consider any and all possibilities. A CHEERS story might start out Sam needing to go to the dentist and end up Norm buying a new car.

But if six or seven veteran professional writers can’t crack a story problem, the universe is telling them something.

From today's email inbox...

Marilu Henner and I are email buddies. I’ve filled in for her on several occasions on her national radio show. I don’t remember which dates, but I’m sure she does.

I received this email from her and have certain questions as to its legitimacy:

Good Morning,

I need your help..My family and i made a trip to out of the country due to an emergency unfortunately for us, we were robbed and i was hurt on our way back to the hotel. I need your help financially to sort out some bills here and get back home. I will refund you the money once i get back home.

Let me know if i can count on you.

Thanks so much!

Marilu

I was just about to send lots of money but then noticed that she wrote “Let me know if i can count on you.” Marilu always capitalizes her “I’s.” So suddenly the whole ruse became crystal clear. Marilu needs money and came up with this ridiculous scheme. Sometimes it takes a while, but nothing ever gets by me.

Huh? What? Her email was hacked? This is a common scam?  Hmmmm? Come to think of it, I did give $500 to Ted Danson for the same thing and he never thanked me.

If I wrote the CHEERS Jenny Craig commercial

Have you seen it? There's a new Jenny Craig ad recreating a scene from CHEERS. Kirstie looks fantastic, by the way. As does the replica of the bar. As a longtime CHEERS writer, a number of you have asked how I would have written the commercial. So I took a stab at it. My guess is they wouldn't use my version for fifty different reasons, but here it is -- following the commercial itself.


INT. BAR -- DAY

NORM AND CLIFF ARE IN THEIR USUAL SPOTS. REBECCA ENTERS LOOKING VERY HOT.

REBECCA: Look who’s back!

NORM: Diane, you’ve gained weight.

CLIFF: No, that’s Rebecca.

NORM: Oh. I can’t see that far anymore.

REBECCA: Fifty pounds down thanks to Jenny Craig.

CLIFF: Last time I saw a beauty like you, I was…

NORM: Stalking Olivia Munn.

CLIFF: Delivering her mail at 4 a.m.

REBECCA: My personal consultant Laura is just like you guys.

NORM: You have a diet consultant who looks like us?

REBECCA: Oh, and I love the yummy foods. I don’t have to count, track, or worry. And no empty calories.

NORM: I hate empty calories too. (holds out empty mug) That's why I go to Jenny Keg.

REBECCA RE-FILLS HIS MUG. 

REBECCA: A moment can change your whole life at Jenny Craig’s.

ANNOUNCER: Try us free for a month plus the cost of food. And get fifty dollars in food savings.

CLIFF: Y’know, it’s a little known fact that Jenny Craig was a hermaphrodite.

NORM: Shut up, Cliff.

A great writer you probably don't know

There are some TV comedy writers who are very well known. You’ve seen their names so many times on the screen that they begin to make an impression. Or they’ve been interviewed, have a big Twitter following, or worse -- shamelessly write a blog.

But then there are others, who have also had long illustrious careers, yet remain essentially anonymous.

Like this guy.

How’s this for a list of credits? ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT, THE BIG BANG THEORY, FRIENDS, FAMILY GUY, WILL & GRACE, KING OF QUEENS, NEWHART, HAPPY DAYS, LAVERNE & SHIRLEY, and MORK & MINDY. And an Emmy.

As an uncredited punch-up guy, he has contributed great jokes to many pilots (including ours). And for good measure, he created and ran two series, both of which received great reviews and cult followings.

How could you miss him, right?

Meet Richard Rosenstock. I bet starting today you’ll see his name every time you turn on the TV.

His two series are two of my all-time favorites. THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES for ABC (David Isaacs and I wrote an episode and even acted in it), and FLYING BLIND for Fox (the series that discovered Tea Leoni). Both shows were funny, smart, and decidedly Jewish (Excuse me – they had that “New York attitude”).

The public may not know him but fellow writers do. He’s Richie to all of us.

But he prefers to fly under the radar. He has no Facebook or Twitter page. There’s not a single Google image of him. Hopefully he won’t be kill me for this post, but there are some fantastic writers out there you should know and one of them is Richie Rosenstock.

Sitcom staff writing is a very collaborative effort. Often the name you see on the screen as the “writer” is not necessarily representative of who really wrote the script. Lots of other writers have their thumbprints on it. Folks like Richie are invaluable. It’s like a baseball team having a great closer.

So thanks for the laughs. And story fixes. Having Richie in the room for a rewrite means you go home at 11:00 instead of 2:00. For that alone he deserves the WGA Laurel Award.

The little guys get screwed again

As of January 1st, all internet radio stations must pay exorbitant license fees to music publishers. Most of these stations are one-person operations done as a labor of love. Few, if any, make money. In fact, most lose money. They pay for the equipment, upkeep, formatting software, music libraries, website, any publicity, and a service fee to the provider of the audio streams.

Most of these stations have niche programming. Obscure jazz, oldies, standards – genres that terrestrial radio have abandoned because their appeal isn’t mass market enough and/or the audience for these genres are too old and thus worthless.

At a time when three or four horribly run, close-to-bankrupt conglomerates own 90% of terrestrial radio and has turned it into a cesspool of commercials, automated voice tracks, syndicated programs, and infomercials – the only real variety were these internet radio stations. So guess who lobbied Congress to force these tiny operators to pay a fortune to play Shirelles records for their audience of maybe sixty people.

And this is the result: A vast majority of small internet stations have gone off the air or are going off the air. Live 365, that hosted many such operations went out of business overnight. One of my favorites, Greatbigradio.com had to shut down (although they're working on a way to hopefully return). 

Yes, you could make the argument that the artists deserve to be compensated for their music being played. And I’m a big union man. But two things to consider: If stations are throwing in the towel then these artists receive nothing. Do the math: 1000 stations paying $1000 or 75 stations paying $6000? Artist will lose money in this deal. iHeart radio will benefit.  A modest increase would have been acceptable, but these people are gonifs. 

Number two: For many of these artists, their songs are fading into the mist of time. These internet stations are the only place you can still hear a lot of this music. Silence them and artists’ contributions to popular culture disappear. Poof. They’re not remembered. They’re not celebrated. They’re not even a footnote.  It's like they never existed. 

Over the last few weeks radio stations everywhere have paid tribute to David Bowie. We marvel at the innovation and brilliance of his work. We’d like to think that in fifty or sixty years people will still be appreciating David Bowie. With commerce the way it is today David Bowie could well be sadly forgotten.  Don't we owe our artists more than just an extra $.50 royalty? 

So again, who benefits? Not the artists, certainly not the public, not free enterprise. The winners are the greedy music publishing firms, and the radio folks who have raped and destroyed their own industry.

I hope some small stations stick it out. Very soon now you’ll be able to access internet radio in your car as easily as you get FM and satellite. You’ll be able to set push buttons for your favorite internet stations. And when that day comes, there will be a much more level playing field. And terrestrial stations that corrupt companies like Cumulus paid millions for will be as valuable or less valuable than some station being run out of some kid’s bedroom. The next Howard Stern is going to be some geek in a basement. And when that happens, and it will, you are FUCKED terrestrial radio.

That day can’t come fast enough.

It happened to television; it will happen to radio.

Oh, and when a bedroom station has more listeners than KISS-FM (every city has a KISS-FM) then yes, they should pay the same royalties as KISS-FM.  But not when KISS-FM has tens of thousands of listeners and the bedroom station has fifty.  

Thank you to all the small internet radio stations that provided us variety, memories, and passion. I mourn your passing. Everyone talks about “The Day Music Died.” The phrase should be: “The Day Music Was Killed.”